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El puño de la muerte (1982)
Santo in the 80s!
Somehow I managed to miss this Mexican Santo flick until just recently. I guess that's not hard to do since he has something like 52 films he starred in. This one is towards the top of the heap though. Coming later in his career you can tell he's becoming a bit old by '82 but that doesn't stop our masked hero from getting in the ring and jumping around like a younger nut. This film might be the weirdest Santo movie I've seen. It involves a jungle cult that's headed by two identical twin sisters with massive bosoms(these are both played by the same actress, Grace Renat, tahnks to a charmingly crappy split-screen effect) that use an illuminated meteorite to see the future. One sister is unfortunately evil(we know this because she wears the black outfit) and with her accomplice, pro-wrestler Tinieblas(who I'm pretty sure plays a good guy in earlier lucha-libre films) they form their own bad-guy cult that worships a C3PO Halloween mask. There's also kung fu vs. wrasslin' and a jungle gal and her wolf(really just a big dog) brother that never do anything all that wild but the thought was nice. The highlight is Santo throing a guy into a rotating plane's propeller that neatly slices him into 2 halves. Good trash cinema!
Manbeast! Myth or Monster? (1978)
A long episode of IN SEARCH OF...
Bigfoot, along with UFO's, The Bermuda Triangle and The Loch Ness Monster were super popular subjects throughout the 1970's. There were tons of movies, books and TV shows dedicated to these and other stupid, easily-explainable mysteries but I suppose those were different times when people wanted to believe in the existence of scary monsters and magical beings like Evel Kneivel for example. This made for TV documentary about Bigfoot (here called the Manbeast!) is basically just an overlong version of the 70's TV show IN SEARCH OF... without the Leonard Nimoy narration(this one is narrated by professional animal and monster hunter Peter Byrne). In fact this thing was based on a book titled IN SEARCH OF MYTHS AND MONSTERS so there ya go. Directed by Nicholas Webster, who is best known for the holiday gem SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS, all the actual "encounters' with the Manbeast are recreated here with people in cheesy costumes(by Rob Bottin who would go on to do the much superior FX work on THE THING among other big films) and told in such an earnest way that makes everything seem so silly. Check it out if you dig 70's TV or just Bigfootsploitation in general covered in lots of unintentional cheese.
Girl in a Basket (1975)
for Rene Bond fans only
A porno flick that starts out with a girl being kidnapped then raped in all inputs and even tortured with pliers isn't the kind of movie you would think would have a happy ending. Amazingly enough this one kinda does. There's a tease of a castration but sadly only a tease. Woulda made the movie a lot more exciting but probably not for the perverts in the audiences back then. Only in 1970's porn would rapist fantasies like this exist. It sure was a different time. It's worth seeing this oddity just for the sickness aspect of it but it does get pretty boring after awhile. The movie's only a little over an hour long but it's all basically one scene of three people screwing. Rene Bond looks good throughout her "ordeal".
Thunder Ninja Kids: Wonderful Mission (1990)
the burter?
Could have been filmed in 1990 or 1980 or even 1970. There's no relation to anything from any of those decades visible to me. The dubbing is wonderfully absurd. Everyone calls the buddha "the booder" or something like that?? Basically, it's just a really crappy kung fu flick with some ninjas thrown in here and there. The other THUNDER NINJA KIDS movie I've seen, THE HUNT FOR THE DEVIL BOXER, at least has some horror elements thrown into it with those hopping vampires and all that silliness. This one doesn't even have that to amuse you. Joseph Lai produces, Godfrey Ho directs under the name Charles Lee. The kings of splicing movies together and ending up with a mess. 2 names you never hear involved in anything good. Great movie to put on if you need to take a nap.
My Brothers Wife (1966)
typical Doris Wishman nudie-cutie
This is the story of a sleaze-bag named Frankie who screws over his brother Bob by humping and conniving Bob's young wife Mary. A fairly simple film in the Doris Wishman catalog. Available on a great double bill from Something Weird video and obviously shot in the same apartment as INDECENT DESIRES. This nudie-quickie is actually pretty engaging and moves along well. There are some crazy editing choices though with weird cuts to inanimate objects abounding. I do feel like the final reel is missing from this print though as we're led up to a big final conflict between the two main men protagonists and the the film just ends with this weird scene of Frankie seemingly waking up from a dream and regretting his shitty decisions in life. I don't think it was supposed to be a dream though. Perhaps Bob kicked his ass. Maybe someday there will be a super-duper special edition that clears up what the hell happened but I kinda doubt it.
Girl in Trouble (1963)
Mona rocks!
The story of the world's most naive blond. Stupid Judy runs away from home to the big city of New Orleans. A sleazy guy gives her a ride and then attempts to rape her. She almost kills him by bonking him in the head with a big rock. From there she steals the car and proceeds with no real plan except getting away from her shitty hometown. This doesn't go very well for Judy. She runs into a lot of creepy guys along the way. Finally she meets Mona, the sorta motherly figure who seems to be quite the party gal as well. Mona isn't a very good influence on Judy. She gets her a crappy job where Judy ends up getting raped, then as some sort of strange therapy gets her another job being an old-timey stripper and ultimately gives her some pills which she promptly O.D.'s on. The movie really should have been all about Mona. She was a hoot and I felt like she would be lots more fun to hang out with. All in all I found the movie O.K. even though it dragged big time in many spots. You get a little nudity and minimal blood.
Good Time with a Bad Girl (1967)
pretty dull
"Groovy". Prolific crap-movie director Barry Mahon directs this mind-bogglingly sleazy and dumb epic. It's sort of a shitty version of LOLITA with a middle-aged man having an affair with a 17 year old girl. Except later on in the movie we learn that he can't get it up. So I'm not sure how he had an affair. I mean did they just "smooch"? Well whatever. It starts off with an ass and some tits shaking for us all and then goes downhill pretty quickly. Probably the most boring nudie-cutie movie I've seen yet. Contains lots of stock footage of Las Vegas inserted and a main character who is a complete douche-bag square. I mean he has a chance to get wild in a bathroom with some 60's trollop and he turns that down, this young totally immoral thing is all over him and he apparently can't seal that deal. Just a typical 1960's square man! It took me 3 attempts before I could get through the whole thing and it's only an hour long! Can't recommend this unless you are really into watching vintage vibrators do their stuff.
Wolf Creek (2005)
Let's remake THE Texas CHAIN SAW MASSACRE badly again!
I think to make an effective movie where people are tortured the viewer would have to at least care a tiny bit about the characters. That was not achieved for me at all in this movie. The whole thing is most easily compared to THE Texas CHAINSAW MASSACRE but in no way as effective as that classic horror flick. It fits more easily into the HOSTEL school of movie-making where we don't really care who is killed since every character is so stupidly written and does exactly what real people wouldn't do. The "head-on-a-stick" comment is about the only thing I'm gonna remember about this whole thing. How many times can we watch a slasher-type movie where the killer is knocked out and laying there but no one thinks of finishing him off? Why doesn't the heroine try using a weapon while she's creeping around that garage? If you don't mind the stupidity of these actions maybe this movie is for you.
L'ossessa (1974)
Italian Exorcist ripper-offer
This is a barely watchable Italian version of THE EXORCIST, which came out just a year earlier. You got some weird scenes that at least kept me mildly interested. Sex scene with a woman getting whipped with roses and getting sliced-up by the thorns, possessed gal diddling herself and looking for some action from her dad(who gives her a nice hard smack in the mouth for her incestuous advances). There's even a puking scene like the EXORCIST but instead of pea-soup there's some nasty looking green milk product. It ends up with a silly-dick priest giving a half-assed exorcism which somehow works.For a better Italiano version of the Linda Blair classic I'd recommend THE ANTICHRIST from the same year. It ends up with a silly-dick priest giving a half-assed exorcism which somehow works.
Space Men (1960)
60's Space Crap
Antonio Margheriti's 60's outer-space saga is pretty typical of the Italian space stuff being done at the time.
Here's the plot with spoilers: OK, this reporter guy is constantly treated like crap throughout this whole movie. The only guy that's nice to him at all is this black dude with white hair and he calls him a leech all the time!(and I guess the chick who grows flowers is sorta nice to him to) So anyway there's a bunch of scenes of them floating around space(and I guess they have some special kind of suits that let them steer and swim around in whatever direction they want to go) then another spaceship crashes on Mars and we actually see some stock-footage shot of an explosion right next to a car(which I guess someone left parked on Mars?). Then another ship is on a runaway crash-course with the earth which they say is gonna wipe out all humanity somehow. I guess it had a lot of nukes on it? So the black dude gets killed trying to stop it then the reporter dude knocks out the captain guy with one wimpy-ass looking punch and saves the earth. Oh yeah and of course he gets the girl in the end(even though she was supposed to already be with the captain guy in the beginning, I guess the punch really turned her on).
The cheap-ass 25 cent DVD I have of this doesn't exactly lead to optimal viewing conditions. I think it's supposed to be in color but I really couldn't tell from the print I saw. It only took me 2 tries to be able to stay awake long enough to actually get to the end of this so I guess it's not the worst but don't spend more than a quarter on it.
Granny (1999)
Crappy crapola!!
Truly awful nonsensical garbage. This movie does everything wrong except make the running time under an hour. The gore FX defy gravity & logic. There are no scares. The acting is abysmal, with everyone appearing to be reading their lines. There's a surprise ending that's just silly where we find out that things we saw happen didn't even happen. Boy do I hate cop out endings! They pad this thing out with long drawn-out shots of people doing nothing interesting(like putting on make-up or talking for what seems like forever). They have to pad out a movie that's under an hour long? Ridiculous. The story itself is pretty freakin' thin. I mean it's just a variation of the movie APRIL FOOL'S DAY, if I remember that movie correctly, and that film wasn't all that great either. The only good thing I can say is it seems to have been shot well. Too bad nothing happens that's very exciting.
Off the Beaten Path (2004)
BLAIR WITCH/EVIL DEAD rip-off on an even lower budget.
As a total and complete hater of pretty much everything shot-on-video, I'm probably a pretty biased reviewer for this type of production. But in saying that I must say that for an amateurish shot-on-video rip-off of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT this isn't as awful as it could be. They do a pretty decent job of building some kind of suspense and sense of fear. The F/X are what you would expect of a no-budget backyard horror flick. We even get about halfway through when people start dying and end up in an EVIL DEAD homage. Although I wouldn't recommend this to everyone I'll say it's at least watchable, which is more than can be said for most shot-on-video crap. And they keep the running time down to about an hour which is a good thing.
Return of the Living Dead III (1993)
A crappy sequel, What a surprise.
It's amazing to see how many good reviews this movie has on here. I would rate this down near the bottom of the barrel as far as zombie movies go and nowhere near a good "horror" film in any way. The gore FX are done well for the most part but the story is ridiculous and makes me cringe just thinking about it. Trying to stick a love story into a zombie flick could have been done well but it isn't here. The acting is awful in every scene especially the "Riverman" character(who yells all his lines to show he's crazy I guess?) and the ridiculous Latino stereo-types(who of course have to rob a liquor-store to stay in character). The movie starts off with a pretty good scene in the military base with the idea taken from DAY OF THE DEAD to use zombies as combatants in warfare. But from there on it's just one awful, dumb scene after the next.
Killing Birds (1988)
Zombie Crap Italo Style
A couple of gory scenes are all that one can recommend from this bottom of the list Euro-zombie crapfest. First rule of spaghetti zombie movies should be that you have to include more than 1 or 2 zombies that only appear intermittently. Second rule is the story doesn't really matter cram your movie full of action and gore and everyone who likes these kind of movies will be happy. This movie tries to tell a very muddled story about this Vietnam vet getting revenge on his wife for screwing around and somehow turning her and the rest of his family all into zombies with the help of a bunch of birds who for some reason pluck the crazy vets eyes out or something like that. The problem is, as you can tell by that description, is that nothing really makes any sense and the more they try to tell a story the more stupid it becomes. Rule number 3 if your gonna make a stupid movie go for it. Go balls out and make it as dumb as you can. Then at least we can all get a few good laughs. The worst thing about this movie is of course the fact that it's a challenge to stay awake through most of the boring talky senseless parts which make up the majority of the movie. If you just want some gore watch the first few minutes for the murders then fast forward about 60-70 minutes until a couple of zombies show up and some dumb Italians in ugly 80's clothes get killed in ridiculous ways.
Santo en el museo de cera (1963)
Viva Santo!
As a fan of mexi-lucha cinema I found this flick fun and amusing if in the right state of mind. Getting to this state may require a bit of alcohol and/or at least a sense of humor which obviously is lacking in most "serious" movie-viewing jackoffs. But for those looking for a good example of Santo's 1960's exploits this movie works as well as any. I'll take this over most Hollywood "action" sh**fests anyday. As for the plot it's about Santo's quest to rid Mexico of anti-social Hitleresque types that want to spread murder and chaos throughout the world. This particular baddie is a survivor of the concentration camps of World War II who wants nothing more than to spread pain & terror to make every one else feel as bad as he does I guess, a noble cause to be sure, but Santo disagrees. There's monsters(real & wax), wacky henchmen(one that looks like Vincent Price strangely enough and the other that looks like "Batboy") and many scenes of old-school pro-wrassling. If you dig this movie look for Santo's 70's adventures for more colorful monster-bashing goodness.