S1rr34l
Joined Aug 2016
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Ratings4.8K
S1rr34l's rating
Reviews982
S1rr34l's rating
Rating Breakdown:
Story - 1.25 :: Direction - 1.25 :: Pacing - 1.25 :: Performances - 1.00 :: Entertainment - 1.00 :::: TOTAL - 5.75/10.
I approached Hell House LLC and its sequels with the same enthusiasm one might have for a surprise root canal. I loathe "found footage" horror-the jittery camerawork, the amateur theatrics, the sheer lack of coherent storytelling. And yet, against all odds, this trilogy did not make me want to hurl my television out of a window. In fact, it was... good. At times, even gripping.
The films follow the sinister happenings at the Abaddon Hotel, a dilapidated death trap masquerading as a Halloween attraction. It is the sort of place where the walls practically drip with malevolence, and yet people keep walking in like it is a particularly aggressive episode of Ghost Adventures. Bad decisions are made. Things go south. Clown mannequins move when no one is looking. You know the drill.
Writer-director Stephen Cognetti manages what so many in the found-footage realm fail to do-he tells a cohesive, evolving story. Across three films, the mythology deepens, the mystery expands, and the scares, while not revolutionary, remain effective. The incorporation of urban legend, occultism, and local history grounds the supernatural horror in an eerie kind of realism. And while the cinematography still indulges in some obligatory nausea-inducing shaky cam, it is tempered by eerie silences, clever cutaways, and shadows that practically breathe.
The performances range from serviceable to impressive. The first film has a raw, almost documentary-like quality, but by the second, Jillian Geurts steps in to elevate the material with a brooding, commanding presence. The third installment stumbles slightly, with Gabriel Chytry's "mysterious" performance landing somewhere between enigmatic and just plain weird.
The real stars, however, are those infuriatingly creepy clown mannequins. They do nothing, yet they steal every scene. If stillness could win an Oscar, these things would be household names.
In the end, Hell House LLC succeeds where so many found-footage films fail. It is well-paced, well-structured, and actually respects its audience. My advice? Watch all three in one sitting. Just, for the love of all things holy, keep an eye on those clowns.
I approached Hell House LLC and its sequels with the same enthusiasm one might have for a surprise root canal. I loathe "found footage" horror-the jittery camerawork, the amateur theatrics, the sheer lack of coherent storytelling. And yet, against all odds, this trilogy did not make me want to hurl my television out of a window. In fact, it was... good. At times, even gripping.
The films follow the sinister happenings at the Abaddon Hotel, a dilapidated death trap masquerading as a Halloween attraction. It is the sort of place where the walls practically drip with malevolence, and yet people keep walking in like it is a particularly aggressive episode of Ghost Adventures. Bad decisions are made. Things go south. Clown mannequins move when no one is looking. You know the drill.
Writer-director Stephen Cognetti manages what so many in the found-footage realm fail to do-he tells a cohesive, evolving story. Across three films, the mythology deepens, the mystery expands, and the scares, while not revolutionary, remain effective. The incorporation of urban legend, occultism, and local history grounds the supernatural horror in an eerie kind of realism. And while the cinematography still indulges in some obligatory nausea-inducing shaky cam, it is tempered by eerie silences, clever cutaways, and shadows that practically breathe.
The performances range from serviceable to impressive. The first film has a raw, almost documentary-like quality, but by the second, Jillian Geurts steps in to elevate the material with a brooding, commanding presence. The third installment stumbles slightly, with Gabriel Chytry's "mysterious" performance landing somewhere between enigmatic and just plain weird.
The real stars, however, are those infuriatingly creepy clown mannequins. They do nothing, yet they steal every scene. If stillness could win an Oscar, these things would be household names.
In the end, Hell House LLC succeeds where so many found-footage films fail. It is well-paced, well-structured, and actually respects its audience. My advice? Watch all three in one sitting. Just, for the love of all things holy, keep an eye on those clowns.
Rating Breakdown:
Story - 0.25 :: Direction - 1.25 :: Pacing - 1.25 :: Performances - 0.75 :: Entertainment - 0.5 :::: TOTAL - 4/10
Why did I watch Die Hart 2: Die Harter (2024) when I already hated the first one? Perhaps hope. Perhaps foolishness. But let me save you the trouble: if you're not a fan of Kevin Hart's comedic style, this film will not change your mind. In fact, it'll probably confirm that he's the worst thing to happen to cinema since... well, since Die Hart itself.
The plot is a tired rehash: Hart's action star wants to do his own stunts, fires his stunt double, and naturally, the stunt double seeks revenge. There's potential here, but the script by Tripper Clancy, Derek Kolstad, and Christopher Amick fails to deliver, leaving us with a mix of unfunny jokes, predictable beats, and way too much Kevin Hart. Yes, that's right, Hart's stunt double is also Kevin Hart. It's like getting two servings of the same dish you hate, only less filling and more irritating.
Then there's John Cena, who's trying desperately to be the next Rock but ends up as a campy, one-note character who's as entertaining as a soggy dishcloth. The only real highlight here is Nathalie Emmanuel, who somehow manages to shine in a role that doesn't deserve her.
Despite some solid action sequences thanks to director Eric Appel, this movie is a slog, with Hart's shrill antics sucking the air out of every scene. If you're looking for a fun time, skip this mess and go watch Die Hard 2, at least that's a laugh-riot in comparison.
Why did I watch Die Hart 2: Die Harter (2024) when I already hated the first one? Perhaps hope. Perhaps foolishness. But let me save you the trouble: if you're not a fan of Kevin Hart's comedic style, this film will not change your mind. In fact, it'll probably confirm that he's the worst thing to happen to cinema since... well, since Die Hart itself.
The plot is a tired rehash: Hart's action star wants to do his own stunts, fires his stunt double, and naturally, the stunt double seeks revenge. There's potential here, but the script by Tripper Clancy, Derek Kolstad, and Christopher Amick fails to deliver, leaving us with a mix of unfunny jokes, predictable beats, and way too much Kevin Hart. Yes, that's right, Hart's stunt double is also Kevin Hart. It's like getting two servings of the same dish you hate, only less filling and more irritating.
Then there's John Cena, who's trying desperately to be the next Rock but ends up as a campy, one-note character who's as entertaining as a soggy dishcloth. The only real highlight here is Nathalie Emmanuel, who somehow manages to shine in a role that doesn't deserve her.
Despite some solid action sequences thanks to director Eric Appel, this movie is a slog, with Hart's shrill antics sucking the air out of every scene. If you're looking for a fun time, skip this mess and go watch Die Hard 2, at least that's a laugh-riot in comparison.
Rating Breakdown:
Story - 1.25 :: Direction - 1.50 :: Pacing - 1.25 :: Performances - 1.25 :: Entertainment - 1.25 :::: TOTAL - 6.5/10
Horror fans, if The Church (1989) isn't on your watchlist, fix that immediately. This gothic Italian nightmare delivers everything you could want; creeping atmosphere, religious horror, and the kind of glorious, logic-defying insanity that only Italian cinema can provide.
The story is simple yet deliciously dark: a medieval massacre sees a group of so-called heretics buried en masse, only for the church to be built directly on top of their cursed remains. Centuries later, their evil stirs, and, shockingly, things start to go very, very wrong.
With a screenplay by Dario Argento, Franco Ferrini, and Michele Soavi, this film is packed with ideas-so many, in fact, that if Peter Jackson had made it, it'd be a trilogy. But here, it all flows beautifully. It's a horror film that effortlessly weaves mystery, demonic possession, and religious terror into a seamless nightmare.
Michele Soavi, mentored by Argento, proves herself a talent in her own right. While she retains Argento's sense of style, she forgoes the vibrant neon colour palette in favour of natural lighting and creeping shadows, creating a more subdued but no less unsettling atmosphere. The pacing is spot-on, not too fast, not too slow, just a perfect, slow-burn descent into terror.
Performance-wise, everyone is fully committed, and that makes all the difference. Unlike the ironic detachment of modern horror, this cast believes in the horror, making even the most over-the-top moments feel genuinely chilling.
Ultimately, The Church is an essential horror experience. Whether you're a seasoned fan or a newcomer, this is the kind of film that reminds you why horror is such a thrilling, visceral genre. Forget the generic slasher reboots, this is what real horror looks like.
Horror fans, if The Church (1989) isn't on your watchlist, fix that immediately. This gothic Italian nightmare delivers everything you could want; creeping atmosphere, religious horror, and the kind of glorious, logic-defying insanity that only Italian cinema can provide.
The story is simple yet deliciously dark: a medieval massacre sees a group of so-called heretics buried en masse, only for the church to be built directly on top of their cursed remains. Centuries later, their evil stirs, and, shockingly, things start to go very, very wrong.
With a screenplay by Dario Argento, Franco Ferrini, and Michele Soavi, this film is packed with ideas-so many, in fact, that if Peter Jackson had made it, it'd be a trilogy. But here, it all flows beautifully. It's a horror film that effortlessly weaves mystery, demonic possession, and religious terror into a seamless nightmare.
Michele Soavi, mentored by Argento, proves herself a talent in her own right. While she retains Argento's sense of style, she forgoes the vibrant neon colour palette in favour of natural lighting and creeping shadows, creating a more subdued but no less unsettling atmosphere. The pacing is spot-on, not too fast, not too slow, just a perfect, slow-burn descent into terror.
Performance-wise, everyone is fully committed, and that makes all the difference. Unlike the ironic detachment of modern horror, this cast believes in the horror, making even the most over-the-top moments feel genuinely chilling.
Ultimately, The Church is an essential horror experience. Whether you're a seasoned fan or a newcomer, this is the kind of film that reminds you why horror is such a thrilling, visceral genre. Forget the generic slasher reboots, this is what real horror looks like.