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Smile 2 (2024)

Interesting moments but meh at its core.

• This movie is way too long. 2hrs, should be a tight 100.

• The entity manifests any way it wants and does whatever. You gotta establish rules in the world you create. The "it was just a hallucination" type stuff gets old fast.

• Naomi Scott does a fantastic job. She's got a great terrified look to her. She could be a solid Scream Queen.

• Leaves a lot unexplained just like the first movie. Mr. Exposition comes out of nowhere and disappears? How elaborate are all the "smile fantasies" where she goes to one place and wakes up in another? Rules limit your story can do but they also allow the audience to play along easier.

• The most egregious offense that contributed to my 5* rating: They had the audacity to build up to this big ending and you don't even get to see the kill?! What kind of cinematic blue balls is that?!

The VVitch: A New-England Folktale (2015)

Can't reach the pedestal the fans put it on.

I waited too long time to watch this. After so many touting how good it was I finally gave it a shot. It suffers from the equivalent of the Family Guy hurt knee joke that goes way too long only the uncomfortable length isn't a punchline. Far too many scenes just drag like it's trying to pad out the run time. Some will call it "being impatient" or some other "you just don't understand art" cast-aside argument.

I love movies that take time to breathe and take their time but holy cow this rubbed my patience raw. Far too many movies have lengthy LENGTHY staring then cuts to looking at nothing.....just learn how to trim movie bloat.

Another problem is that I found the sound design to be unfinished. There's way too many moments when I wondering if I accidentally muted the tv. Doesn't need dialog, doesn't need a constant swelling score. There's long moments when I should hear breathing or footsteps or some audio sensory.

A good note is that the story is simple and interesting but more for a top notch 30-40 minute anthology story.

Alien: Romulus (2024)

What's good is good. What's bad is......Oy, it's bad.

I'll try not to spoil anything.

Huge fan of the Alien franchise and also of Alvarez. I thought 2013's Evil Dead was a vile masterpiece in almost all of the right ways.

This movie does plenty of things right. I like the atmosphere and the plot. Certain moments are fantastic and interesting and tense. To speak of what I liked would mean spoilers so...

It also does a few things terribly wrong. Many callbacks felt like something a fan would yell from the audience; not actual dialog. They seemed forced by "The Mouse" so people could give their friend winking elbows. One actor's Brit-ish sounded like he was trying to talk with a mouthful of water; couldn't understand him. One turn towards the end was so foolish and poorly realized that it almost ruined what I liked about the whole film.

The 1% Club: Reverse Psychology'd Myself (2024)

Fun show, questions are questionable.

I love trivia. I love puzzles. I like this concept as a game show. My review will always be about lousy questions. This is the 2nd time I've seen contestants fall to a poorly-worded final question. No spoilers but you think you're looking for the same word in all the examples. It just feels like the equivalent of a mobile game pay-to-play cap. The show didn't really wanna see winners so they made the final so convoluted that it would be impossible to figure out; especially with a time limit. I'm a trivia host so I understand the difference between people not understanding the question and making a question difficult to interpret. The latter feels like a cheating and it annoys me. You can tell the guy felt the same way.

The 1% Club: Episode #1.1 (2022)

I'm a sucker for trivia game shows

Trivia questions combined with brain teasers and minimal sob story crowd work: awesome. I really hate anything that tries to manufacture human elements. Also Patton is a good host and the questions move which I really like.

My biggest complaint was with the final 1% question. I'm a stickler for technicalities and this one needed to be more specific. If you give clues about a hypothetical password and never state the password is an actual word, then you've messed up. The answer was an actual word and the clues told plenty of details except for letting the players know the password was an actual word. Passwords use nonsense letter combinations all the time.

This is a fun game show. As a trivia host I've learned the hard way that you must be specific and the final question dropped the ball imo.

Civil War (2024)

Too middle of the ground to say anything, too small to show anything

In The Simpsons (S09E17) Someone dislikes a jazz player and Lisa tell them that "they have to listen to the notes she's NOT playing." That's what this movie felt like; all the interesting topics went unsaid. There was too much context missing which made it too vague to be interesting. No real explanation about the cause or the state of the country. The whole things felt like it tackled a premise that couldn't possibly be covered properly with an A24 budget and the story suffered. To be fair, saying something probably would've just pissed off one group or another.

Some interesting moments that would've been better left for a 45 minute episode. Acting was really good though and did a great job with what they were given. My gripe is all about the lack of story. You'd think this would answer the question "What if?" but it just leaves you a dozen "Whys?"

Larry Crowne (2011)

Are a bunch of scenes missing or what?

There is so much in this movie that felt like it just happens. There's no if/therefore and nothing feels earned. A good plot, especially in a romantic comedy, needs a problem. Everything in this movie either feels like its gonna become something and never does or its some form of "uh oh this is gonna be something-oops nope its solved". It all just happens without any natural flow.

SPOILERS

There's no real explanation of Julia Roberts personality change. Her husband could've been a bigger problem but its not. No explanation for Tom Hanks becoming this "cool old guy" with the college students. There's no reason for anyone to have bettered themselves in Robert's class.

This whole movie happens and I'm wondering every 15 minutes whether or not there's like 10 minutes of deleted scenes explaining why things are happening. Nothing feels earned.

Wagons East! (1994)

Misses almost every opportunity to be good

Sometimes you watch a movie that has potential to be a fun little movie for everyone but Wagon East misses the mark so often it almost feels intentional. There's too many characters for one-off, tired jokes that it can't allow for any real characters and not being able to give comedians like John Candy and Richard Lewis room to do their thing is a crime. The concept is pretty funny: "what if a group of settlers are sick of the West and wanna move back". The antagonists are poorly defined. A C plot of the Donner party that goes nowhere; missed opportunity. You could've cut half of this cast and it wouldn't have mattered. It pulled a couple chuckles out of me but this could've been so much better.

Champions (2023)

One of the best special needs comedies I've ever seen.

My title sounds a little bad but its hard to clarify a title IN the title. This was a charmingly simple comedy that has actual autistic and special needs actors in it and they're fantastically funny. You never feel like you're making fun of them or their disabilities. They're just funny with what they do as who they are. So great to have a movie that allows them to be who they are and still act. Nothing ground-breaking but just a solid comedy that deserves a solid 7*. The movies could have focused on some dumb lesson like "he learns that they're people too" or nor does it set unrealistic expectations for them to achieve. This story is better than that. It feels more like that Keanu movie Hardball but with autistic kids. Solid watch.

AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem (2007)

A bunch of "really bad" vs "really good" lands this in the middle.

The whole time watching this felt like "Violence is good VS I can't see anything". A lot of this does what the first AVP failed miserably at. It's unapologetically violent but I can barely see the gore. The effects are alright (some terrible tho...ahem, blue goo) but there was no money left for lighting. Maybe it was intentionally made this way to hide all the "strings n corners" but it's just plain unacceptable to use dark and murky in order to hide imperfections. You may not notice it but your brain does. The acting doesn't win any awards but with an Alien vs Predator movie, it doesn't have to. Overall, this movie is better than the first one and the failures of the first one cursed this into not having the budget or the cast it could've had.

You Got Served (2004)

Should've been called "Montage: The Movie"

Possibly one of the most shameful representations of a generational fad ever. There's so much nonsense montages and b-roll to chew up the runtime. However, like looking at a pair of emo chain pants you used to wear, there's an awkward nostalgia flavor to this which keeps it from getting 1 star. I suppose "getting served" routines were big enough for that infamous South Park episode but geez Louise. There's something even worse than the dialog and the threads and that's the horrible self-indulgent Lil Kim cameo. I can't stand movies with celebs that are there just to fawn over them. Nah, just kidding.....the worst part is actually the bleached spiky hair that one guy has.

8-Bit Christmas (2021)

So close to being something really good.

The major theme has to do with the kid's father and his friends. Unfortunately, this movie suffers from having so little set up to pay off those themes. It's about trying to get an NES. There's like only one scene where the friends are actually working together. There's also very little set up with the father to make how it ends work. There's a lot of potential to make the ending emotional and heart-warming but after reaching the end you wish it tried harder to make the payoff more impactful than it was.

It's a shame because this could've been a new generation's Christmas Story (sounds sacrilegious, I know) but they just didn't go hard enough.

Hocus Pocus 2 (2022)

Such a lack of whimsy and other problems too.

Everyone likes bullet points so here we go:

• Probably the worst is that the whole movie felt like it moved from set to set. There were no real large places or chases. It was like "here's the house set" and now "here's the woods set" then they entered "the Walgreens set."

• The ending twist is awful. Just let a villain be evil, Disney.

• How does a the corpse make up for Billy look worse 30 years later?

• Boring! So much of the movie is static shot of standing around talking.

• How do they not focus even a bit on the first movie? This could've happened without the first one ever happening. Most of the first movie was ignored but when it was referenced that had little to do with the plot.

• The witches were fine but Sarah Jessica Parker looked like a clown.

• I wonder when Disney will realize people are sick of that record scratch, stuttering, "that was awkward" humor. It's so played out and poorly done.

Halloween Ends (2022)

Something else with a poor Halloween paint job.

There are so many characters that say and do things like they weren't in the previous ones. Why is everyone jumping on Laurie Strode like the last two movies were her fault? Even her granddaughter blames her for some reason in this. Its like they didn't have anything so they just threw a bunch of crap together that doesn't fit but pads the runtime. Then there's the main story, which feels like a whole other movie. Halloween 6 is considered the worst because they tried to give a reason why Michael was an unstoppable evil. In this there's different but equally dumb things. I'm sorry but Michael's "evil" is transferring into this new kid? Whatever. The ONLY supernatural thing in the Halloween world is how Myers can't die. The only reason it got more than 1 star was because we get at least 10 minutes of Laurie vs Michael. Maybe it's called Halloween Ends because nothing else about this felt like a Halloween movie.

Fairfax (2021)

Tried too hard to be fresh.

I'll give this show credit: a lot of thing feel culturally relevant, like the kind of things that are trending. It's easy to see how the show prides itself in using satire to make fun of fresh cultural trends. Meanwhile, so much it still insists on plastering every episode with obnoxiously woke dialog. You know what I mean: someone makes some preachy comment under their breath. Stuff like "HOLY AOC"..... it's intolerable. There's a lot of "dialog with a woke comment" with an air of (secretly everyone should talk like this) that needs to just stop. There's a few chuckles peppered throughout the series but for the most part, but the truth is that everyone would hate a person who talks like characters in this show do.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

A "meh" slasher movie made worse sticking the TCM label on it.

Did r/whitepeopletwitter write this movie? I get that every TCM movie has to set people up and give them something to say before the chaos happens, but my eyes hurt from rolling too much. Completely unlikable characters, unbelievably shoehorned dialog you'd find in a blue senator's twitter feed. Once the havoc starts it's all just a screaming, bloody mess in an ok way.

The bottom line: another forgettable Netflix movie that checks all the wrong boxes.

Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021)

Bafflingly bad. Bullet point reasons why:

* I'm a huge fan of the games since they came out.

• Didn't respect the source material
• Feels like it's trying to follow the games but takes so many weird liberties
• Acting is somehow worse than the voice acting in the original RE game
• Far too many "I don't know what a zombie is" moments
• Mixing RE1 and RE2 leaves room for neither to be done right
• Leon Kennedy is an awesome character. In this movie he's written as a complete loser.

Anna and the Apocalypse (2017)

Interesting concepts, none of which done very well.

There's potential here. Unfortunately it comes up short on a lot of things. It lacks variety in the musical numbers, two of which felt almost interchangeable lyrically. The characters were rather forgettable, lacking depth and purpose to drive the story. My guess would be funding constraints are why the set designs were so bland. It's all just color to brighten up indistinguishable locations. There were some laughs and satisfying gore moments so that's a solid plus. Overall, I wanna like this movie because I like seeing musical, comedy and horror mingle but it just didn't go far enough with proper character development, goals, set design, dialog, stunt work and in some cases acting.

Running with Beto (2019)

Loser doc about a loser candidate

Beto lost the Pres nomination, he lost against Cruz. Bologna, self-serving dribble to stroke his loser ego.

Midsommar (2019)

Boring and bloated

Coulda been an easy 100 min runtime. It's basically Wicker Man. I just really didn't enjoy this at all. Not too fond of Hereditary either so it could be that I'm just not a fan of the Director's style.

Mr. Nanny (1993)

Much funnier than you think

This movie is perfectly stupid. However, there's so much ridiculous stuff that must've been intentional. Go into this movie knowing the movie knows what it's doing is stupid and that's what makes it funnier than it should be. Is Hogan a terrible actor? Of course. But Sherman Hemsley and David Johansen are great. I went into this expecting it to be laughably horrible but it turned out to be exactly that with a few moments that are hilarious.

Harley Quinn (2019)

Gets old quick...

I gave it a 5* because its a right down the middle split between being entertaining and obnoxious, more specifically half of the show's moments are comically, violently entertaining and the others are eye-rolling, one-note stupidity. Like someone without a tv can't go 2 minutes without telling you they don't have one, there's an ever-present, progressive tone that overstayed it's welcome before it even arrived in the first episode. There's a lot of storytelling to do in this show and every episode wastes so much time with quips (a lot from Ivy) that the writers probably think you enjoy but it really just comes off as insufferable conceit. It reminds me of how there's always someone who has to comment on what Kevin Spacey did while you're discussing the movie Baby Driver. This kind of stuff sucks the fun out the show for me but if you like this kind of sanctimonious "claughter", then this show is perfect for you and I hope you enjoy it.

Joker (2019)

Ain't even close to the rating it has.

I'm going to just briefly touch on three things: The movie, how it relates to DC and how its IMDB score has nothing to do with the quality of the movie.

The movie was somewhat entertaining. It took a little too long building up his personality. Frankly it got boring during the first half. There's nothing that I would say is "dangerous". Anyone stupid enough to use this film as their motivation for some criminal act has no one to blame but themselves. Joaquin Phoenix is possibly one of the best and versatile actors still currently in his prime. His skills are the highlight of this entire movie and I honestly think without him, nothing would work here.

I think its pointless how this is even associated with DC comics. It could've been just as good if it were not tied to the comic. Actually it would've been better because I have no interest in a deep character study drama being tied with Batman. If this movie does continue on (which you know its gonna be milked dry) all of the timelines and ages are all screwed up. I always liked not really knowing The Joker's backstory. I also hated the idea that society created the Joker; like all of us should feel partially responsible. Much better movie if you get rid of its ties to the DC cinematic universe.

Lastly, the score this has (currently 8.8/10) is 100% fabrication and backlash from the Rotten Tomatoes scoring. Back when this first came out, the fans gave it a high rating while the critics went super low. I believe that the IMDB rating for The Joker is fake. I mean come on, 8.8?! This puts it in the top 10 just behind 12 Angry Men and beats out classics like Lord of the Rings, Fight Club, Empire Strikes Back and Terminator 2......please, there's no way this movie is even close to being that good.

Bottom line: Its an ok movie with some slow burn (sometimes too slow) and its link to the source material holds it back because it doesn't need it to be as good as it is. Mediocre at best.

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019)

High potential with a serious lack of followthrough.

When I first heard of this movie I thought it was going to be some sort of anthology in the ways of Trick R Treat or Creepshow. In some ways it still is with an overall plot that somewhat ties each story together. As my review title suggests, there is plenty of setup for some interesting creepy short films; so much potential for a solid scene and the tension is building. However its about that time that you realize this movie is PG-13 so there's a formula for movies that want to do things but are hampered by their rating.

This goes for any movie: if you set something up well, there'd better be a solid payoff. Not the case with this film and that's why it gets a 6 out of 10. If they should've been willing to go hard R and do some gruesome things. I wanted to love this movie but it just seemed to let me down with everything that got me excited. Shame, Shame.

The Fast and the Furious (2001)

The dialogue, styles and culture holds it back.

As the title suggests, the dialogue, styles and culture represents such a cringy and obnoxious time in American society. The whole Pimp my Ride sales pitch throughout this movie is just as dated as it is annoying. I'm glad the series evolved because this got old before before the first race.