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S. Darko (2009)
A great movie that will have you watching it over and over and..what?
What? Oh S Darko? I thought you said Donnie Darko. Oh...well that changes things. Um... Let me take all of that back then.
OK on a serious note there are a lot of posts on here that will say that they A.) Were huge fans of Donnie Darko B.) Thought the girls were hot and scantily clad C.) Thought the effects were not so special d.) Thought this was kind of rehashed
I agree with all of these statements. I also tried looking at it like it wasn't involved with the first movie at all and you end up with a no so brilliant, watered down less than mediocre movie. The problem is this is a Donnie Darko movie. You have fans who have watched the original over and over, read countless summaries of not only the movie but the "mechanics" of how that universe worked and then came to your own conclusions. You have fans that (myself included) donned (no pun intended) the skeleton costume and grey hoodie for Halloween. When you try to add to a cult phenomenon like Donnie Darko, unless you do your homework, you are going to fall flat.
To me this movie felt like someone watched Donnie a few times, wrote down some key elements from the movie in a notebook and then tried to incorporate it into a new movie.
As a huge fan of the original I can't find myself "hating it" in the same way that I can't hate the Star Wars prequels, so I gave it a 3 out of 10. I don't want to betray it even though it betrays the original and its fans. It was by no means one of the worst movies I have ever seen, but it is a let down of a sequel. I also gave it a 3 because I understand what this movie was trying to do (involving others in the timeline plot to change destinies) but I don't think it was done well. You still have some of the mechanics involved in the first, although altered. Even the characters are somewhat the same (the sexual deviant priest vs the sexual deviant motivational speaker, etc)
Even some of the lines used are to try to get a reaction from original fans. It just comes off as a bad rip off.
When you were done watching the original, you felt as though you wanted to watch it again and learn more. You felt a sense of witnessing something special.
The Human Quality (2000)
Now's the time my sprockets when we dance!
INVASION of the MIMES would have been a better title for this little backwoods romp. I am a huge supporter of low/no budget films and picked this up at a convention for only $5 new. It wasn't the worst film I have ever seen, but it does not rank highly either. We start off with the clichéd gang of thugs attack cop husband and wife, leaving the man badly beaten and the wife raped and killed. Except that instead of becoming a revenge flick we fast forward a year later and find that he is now a "loner" cop who seems to be mad at the world and wants no one near him. His assigned task is to take a prisoner to another jail. Throw in a few other rather odd story lines such as a guy camping with his older woman lover and his unapproving sister (kinda creepy in itself) and a girl lost driving around, and we have ourselves some human fodder for an alien attack! The hunt begins when all of the mentioned humans are surrounded by woods and a UFO crashes nearby. The first thing you do when the "flesh hunters" appear is laugh out loud. Seriously. They look less like flesh hunting aliens and more like mimes played by some rejected members from the cast of CATS. They slink around in black dance tights causing havoc for the humans in the film, but laughter and disbelief for us the viewer. Their claim to fame is their post production added orange blur like faces that now makes it look like you are watching mimes from CATS if they appeared on COPS. The movie takes an even funnier turn when not only do you get to see these aliens without the "fresh taste of orange" but when a group of inbred mountain folk join the hunt to rid the world of this alien menace. **** Spoiler**** The inbred mountain folk turn on the victims and reveal themselves to be another alien race. They look like humans, act like humans, eat humans, die as easily as humans
.so in other words they are just like regular earthling inbred mountain folks. They have no special alien qualities after all. A cardboard cast, bad writing and some obligatory nudity makes its B movie status complete. Save your money and watch CATS or even RENT, it'll be much scarier.
Deep Freeze (2001)
Trilobytes? Emphasis on "Bites!" **Minor Spoilers**
Isolated frozen base camp. Something going strange? Sound familiar? Take The Thing and sub a dog sized, killer trilobyte in place of the alien entity and you still have not come close to Carpenter's classic. The acting is bad but I do admit I have seen worse. The only thing this movie is better than is those made at home videotaped movies where the sets are someone's bedroom made to look like a lab or they spend the entire film in the woods near their house. At least this is on film and the sets look halfway decent. Not huge budget, but like I said, it isn't someone's basement they are trying to tell you is a laboratory. Every time the bug attacks someone the movie has quick cut flashbacks. I suppose this is supposed to represent someone's life flashing before their eyes before they die, but the problem is since we have only seen these people for a few minutes, that is all the flash back to. Here he is arriving, here he is eating, here he is entering this room, boom he's dead. What makes it funnier is that one of the guy's flashbacks was edited wrong (the helicopter pilot) so one of the flash parts in the sequence isn't even his but a character that has not yet died. So you know ahead of time who is going to die and where haha There are 2 characters that go back and forth from being interested in each other to being against each other (oil driller vs environmentalist) that really doesn't make much sense at all. Time also has no meaning in this film as the copter pilot towards the beginning states he is going to go secure the chopper at the heliport after they arrive and it seems like a few days go by and they still refer to him as securing the chopper. ???? So throw away any common sense and timing issues and you might somewhat enjoy this flick. I doubt it though.
Razorteeth (2005)
Are the fish biting? Yes and so is this movie!
Have a good laugh on the Polonia Brothers. As is all of their films, this is a micro budgeted stink fest. This is probably the best I have seen from them though. I admit there is a guilty pleasure for me to watch these films made in PA by these brothers as it makes me feel like anyone can make a movie for $12. Compared to their other flicks, this one is a treat. If you can stand watching really really really bad movies and laugh at them, u might enjoy this. If you like their other stuff this one will look a lot better than most of their movies. No puppets and the fish look pretty decent. Of course it is full of bad acting and plot holes, but hey-it's the Polonia Brothers! Oh and of course there is a casio synth soundtrack so as not to disappoint.
Destruction Kings (2005)
Best of the Worst from LBP
I have a few LBP movies and most of them suck. I mean really suck. Like the only thing funny about them would be if you were in them and had a bunch of inside jokes you guys get to yourselves sucks. But this is actually the best of what LBP has to offer. Which isn't good by any means, but it is better than some other crap they put out. Horrible acting and actors you would have a better time beating the crap outta than watching their "movie". I can say that Bonejack and Teen Ape can kind of grow on you so beware! It's a hate thing that can blur into curiosity I guess. I warned you. Ariauna is indeed just going through the motions in this one. Clearly she was bored and needed a bit of extra $. This, like most LBP stuff really only becomes fun to watch if you are friends with Chris. What's odd is that there is a Debbie Rochon tribute on here and she isn't in this flick???? Oh well. If you liked anything by LBP-this one is the goldmine for ya, if not--better stay away from this one.
Preylien: Alien Predators (2004)
Master of Puppets
Another infamous Polonia Brothers pic. If you've never seen one of their movies, here's the scoop. Most are filmed on a shoestring budget, in the PA woods and surrounding areas, low budget effects, low budget sets, the same actors, the same footage, bad scripts and puppets. Yes. Puppets instead of actual "monsters". They film close ups of puppets as to appear to be large monsters (not perspective shots-but just close ups). The acting is horrible and if you actually pay attention each movie has plot holes large enough to drive a convoy of tractor trailers through. But all in all, these movies are fun to watch if you know what you are getting into. The more you see of them the more you enjoy watching them. There is worse out there trust me. As far as this flick goes, a guy in a vest chases a monster (in a vest) and flies around in his bedroom--oops i mean spaceship. The ship crashes and some monsters escape from the shed---oops i mean spaceship. Hijinks galore. You may recognize some of the same footage used in this movie as in another Poonia classic Night Thirst. Only watch this if you are a hardcore small time indy film fan, otherwise you are wasting your time.
Biohazardous (2001)
Not too bad but could have been better
For an indy film this is probably a bit better than a 3 out of 10, but in general it only gets a 3. The effects aren't horrible and at least they have some adults playing adult roles rather than all kids as a lot of indy low budget horror films do. The acting is very wooden, but at least they had a better "display" than some films in the shoestring budget category. It's filmed a lot inside a building rather than a friend's basement. The plot as a whole isn't the worst. It's a Resident Evil rip off about an evil corporation invading a small town and an outbreak makes people into zombies. I would have liked to have seen some sort of creatures rather than the big baddie just be another "super" zombie. I try not to write spoilers but this review has one so be warned!! SPOILER ALERT!!! Not only do some of the cast just seem to shrug past the zombies (the same ones are recycled over and over but at least they have more then 5 people playing them). But one of the plot twists really doesn't fly with me. The deputy who goes inside turns out to be on the evil corporations payroll. He kills one of the other employees in cold blood and then meets with the head bad guy in an office talking about cleaning up the mess. The deputy has just shown us that he is a real bad person too and talks like he can clean it up (meaning kill all the surviving witnesses) no problem. But then 2 seconds later, he is helping them out. There was no real "change of heart" emotion or anything to make me feel that this bad guy went from killing an innocent guy just minutes ago and then talking about taking everyone out no problem to being their savior. There was no incident or anything to make me buy into this. Worth watching if you are a fan of low budget flicks, otherwise you will not enjoy this.
BloodRayne (2005)
B Movie with Bigger Budget= Bloody Boredom
I gave this a 2 because trust me there is worse out there, but this is basically a bigger budgeted B movie gorefest. How many ways can we slice a human up and spill blood? Well this film tried to find out. The acting is absolutely horrible no matter who is in the scene and no one can carry a line to save their lives in this flick. I think some knew this was crap they were making so they didn't even bother to try, they just showed up for their scenes. The action isn't even good, it just tried to be what it is not. Rayne moves like she's wooden and I have seen movements that are more fluid in a Muppets movie. Some of the scenes are straight video game style and I was just waiting to see a high score pop up on the top right of the screen. Not the worst video game movie or flick out there (that honor I give to House of the Dead) but really not worth seeing.
Quest for the Egg Salad (2002)
If you must
I will say that this movie is probably the best one that has either Teen Ape or Bonejack in it. But before you go ahead and get your hopes up, let me tell you that every other movie they have out (under Low Budget Pictures) is horrible. The absolute worst. So with that in mind let's review this little romp in the woods. Chris Seaver has no talent, so keep that in mind. This film manages to be halfway funny because I have seen it last compared to his other films, which like I said before were horrible, unwatchable and just a bunch of friends getting together with no plot and making inside jokes to each other. The Goblin King is a recycled Filthy Mcnasty that actually works in this movie. Teen Ape is taken away from being one of 3 on screen due to other players, so that helps keep the crap level down. And Chris Seaver plays a dual role so Bonejack is kept at a minimum too. Leaving the rest of the flick to be not so bad. Not great or even good, but not so bad. A little more thought could have went into "sets", at one point the goblin king is on his thrown in which looks like someone's basement (I believe it is a barn though). C'mon guys, at least hide the buckets and crap! And at one point in the woods filming you can see a jogger in the background quite clearly without zooming in. The rest of the cast does a moderate job and the 2 elf girls provide some brief eye candy (they are cute girls). So if you MUST see something from Splatter or Low Budget Pictures, make this the ONE you see. You'll thank me. 1.5 out of 10
Splatter Rampage Wrestling (2003)
Don't Try This At Home. In Fact Don't Watch This At Home!
Whoever wrote the "nice" post about this must have been a friend of these guys. This is bad even for backyard wrestling. In fact this isn't even backyard wrestling really, it's a few guys hitting each other on a trampoline. Each guys is about 45 lbs wet and there is not one ounce of entertainment value in this. It is just a few bored kids that even give yard tards a bad name, if that is possible. If you want to see some entertaining backyard wrestling, pick up Backyard Wrestling A Pleasure for Pain. It stars the 2 biggest names in BYW, MDogg20 and Josh Prohibition. These guys are good. They have actually went since yarding it and gotten professionally trained as "real" pro wrestlers. They went legit and have gotten better. I recommend checking out those 2 guys. MDogg is insane and off the hook. So don't waste your time or your cash on this crappy DVD, there are "better" back yard videos out there.
Marty Jenkins and the Vampire Bitches (2006)
Good Stuff
I had a hard time voting on this movie for a few reasons. If I were to put it up against all movies and rated it that way, well it isn't the greatest movie ever made or anything close to that. But it still is a very enjoyable little romp, so I gave it a 6. If I were to rate this against very small budgeted indy films, it would get a higher rating. I have seen a TON of super low budget indy flicks and most I feel as though I just wasted $10 and some of my time as well as drained me emotionally leaving me a loser in all of those categories. But this one is pretty smart and entertaining. Marty Jenkins is a "lovable" character that you actually root for. The comedy is actually funny, the scenes are well done and there is a decent plot to push it through the gates as a winner. The girls are attractive (even the one that is a bit chubbier than some people's tastes is still a very cute girl) so it doesn't disappoint in that department. And everyone plays their roles very well. Do yourself a favor and even if you aren't into no budget flicks, pick this one up for a view. Let it get started and soon you will find yourself rooting for the poor guy (Marty). Maybe you'll rush out for a sweater vest? Nah. But you'll probably have a good time watching it.
Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape! (2004)
Wish I had that portion of my life back
Although this is "better" than the first Mulva (which doesn't say much anyways, I would rather watch paint dry) it still sucks. Do yourself a favor and avoid anything from these Low Budget Pictures guys. I was suckered into buying a few dvds to support some indy filmmakers and boy did I regret it. Some haven't even been officially "released" yet (not bootlegs-bought from the filmmakers themselves) and I can't even list how bad they all are. Avoid anything with Teen Ape or Bonejack in them as they do pop up in other small indy films that they are friends with. If you are friends of these guys, chances are you were in their movies and had fun making them. But for those that had to watch them? No way. Bad video, bad audio, bad acting, bad plot...etc etc. These aren't even funny. I gave this one a 2 only because Debbie Rochon is in it and that is about it. Maybe it doesn't even deserve the 2. About a 1 1/16th star to show it was slightly better than the first (which I wish I could have rated in the negatives). If you want a decent no budget film, go pick up something from LBP's "friends" over at Freak Productions like Marty Jenkins or even Raising the Stakes. Those are actually decent.
Raising the Stakes (2005)
Good stuff
I gave this a 6 out of 10 comparing it to all movies ever made. If I were looking at it strictly as an indy production I would boost that number up. It's a quite entertaining flick made by some young guys that puts some other low budget pictures to shame. The comedy is there and the plot is decent enough for what the movie is. The acting seems "real" enough for the age group without coming across as just plain bad acting as some low budget pictures do. Even the somewhat annoying "sidekick" with his South Park Cartman imitations and other pop culture referenced imitations doesn't bring the movie down. Everyone on this did a good job and the kids are young so that gives them bonus points. They did a better job at indy film-making than some "adults". Give this one a view and you won't regret it.
An American Haunting (2005)
Scarier than Toy Story...maybe...maybe not.
The above post summed this up pretty well. This isn't a scary movie (as the trailers might indicate) but a startle one. And a poor one at that I might add. Anyone can make a film be dark and silent and you just anticipate when you are gonna get the "boo" the loud noise or whatever else cheap tactic to startle you. Each time you knew the loud noise, quick cut was coming and it was just startling, not scary at all. Tons of plot holes that I won't list (for spoiler reasons) but I am sure if you read some of the posts on here you will find them out. I liked the basic concept and idea of what the film was supposed to be about and I have seen a lot worse (I watch a ton of B movies, small indy and no budget garbage flicks and am a huge MST3K fan so I know bad movies)so I gave this a 4 out of 10. I didn't hate the film, but would never watch it again and did not really enjoy it. Truth be told that on opening night, I too found myself surrounded by 14 yr old girls with their cell phones in hand texting their no doubtingly current courtships. This film did not keep anyone's attention really and I saw some leave halfway. I won't post a spoiler but be ready to find a huge plot hole near the end as well as say "You're kidding me right? That's really the ending and explanation they are giving us?" if you watch this. Wait for cable or something if you have to see it or rent it if you must, but don't waste the time, money or energy of seeing this one at the theater.
Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! (2000)
The WORST "movie" ever made!!
I have seen A LOT of bad movies. I watch them on a regular basis and even some of the really bad ones, I can get through-ones that Mystery Sceince Theater 3000 wouldn't even touch. This is bar none the worst "movie" ever made. I use the term movie loosely in this case because it is more like a group of friends that got together and made a video, but sure enough it has some Troma in it. Even if you like the mindless Troma stuff, this one will make you wince in pain. It IS that bad!! The cover has Lilith Stabs on it (a hot goth/punk type girl of Bad Movie Police fame) in a little outfit with a huge gun. Very misleading. She is NOT in the movie and there are no gun toting babes gunning down zombies. Instead you get to watch an ugly chick with a chocolate stained face annoy the hell out of you with over eccentric bad acting and lisp. The imitation Cosby/Don King character-Bonejack-is something you would laugh at if it were your friend, otherwise it is just lame. The filmmakers felt free to make plenty of inside jokes (the reappearing ice cream poster in tons of shots) without letting the audience in on their little jokes. If this can truly be called a movie versus just a video that some idiots threw together, then yes. This is THE worst movie I have ever seen. It even beats out the Tempe classics such as Humanoids from Atlantis and Robot Ninja. At least with James L Edwards you know what you are getting into. I wonder how many suckers fell for the false advertising on the box cover. Well live and learn the old "You can't judge a book by its cover". Well Mulva didn't kick any zombie ass-but this movie sure kicked mine.