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Wanda to kyozô (2005)
Most games will leave you feeling like a victim. But Shadows leaves you guilty.
Shadows of the Colossus is one of the most depressing video games of all time.
You play as Wander. A boy on with a horse who has to resurrect his girlfriend. The only way to do so is by killing giant colossi.
The gameplay is very simple mostly but very challenging so much so that it could be put in an arcade.
Go across the baron lands on a steed with a blade guiding a light wherever the creatures are. Once the player finds a colossus it's time to start stabbing. Wander will climb on the back of colossi as he tries to stab their weak spot trying not to die or fall off. This can be thrilling but the learning curve is steep.
When you climb on their head you must stab their symbol until they die.
When one beast dies sad music plays as the majestic creature falls slowly to the ground as dust in the air build up. The music plays soon after. This is a rare feet in gaming to make players feel bad for what they've done. Sometimes theirs frustrating platforming.
Now before I get into the details. There are several ports of SOTC. The PS2 version, it walks at a 23 frames per second for the graphics are far too ambitious for a PS2 game but this is the most atmospheric one. The HD remaster on PS3 is still atmospheric and runs at a smooth consistent 60 fps but it needs an update and it runs so poorly and you will have lots of trouble grabbing on a monster.
The PS4 version is touted as beloved but the atmosphere isn't there. Sure the environments are perfect but the PS2 like animations and rigging is something that can't be gone. Such as the the weird limbs and faces that Wander has.
Smile 2 (2024)
Obviously a big budget horror movie
Smile 2 was in theatres. I payed 5 dollars on 5 dollar movie Tuesdays at regal and spent over. I spent too much money on a popcorn bucket that I didn't eat and too much on powdery twizzlers. Never do that.
Anyway, Smile 2 came out and I don't think it's good as the first one and here is why.
Flick starts out with a drug scene and a guy gets a smile.
WE have this pop diva at the height of her career coming back from a near fatal car accident she will have flashbacks of and lead to her scar. And because of this scar our Diva has to take medication though she has been denied due to cocaine use so she scores some from a drug dealer. The drug dealer is a huge nerd and I like it. He's very quirky and owns a katana and a GameCube. He's the thing that bothers me the most about this movie. He doesn't kill himself with the Katana. Just pancakes his face with a weight. Also, this movie just overkills it with the jump scares. Here we could have the weirdest thing ever seen in an ominous neon lit bedroom but instead we just get a jump scare of the drug guy popping out.
However the way some of these scares is just brutal. Like nothing is more horrifying than performing in a red lit area thinking you're cool and some guy gives you the death stare smile wearing sunglasses. Or using your own trauma to make fun of you.
Here's another dumb thing about this movie. There is this guy who promises to cure her of this curse but just leaves for more than 10 minutes leaving her in a freezer. The Smiler attacks her and possesses her.
Or having a croud of stockers invade your apartment giving you the death stair smile pretend to be a spider.
There are some stellar plot twists involving the friend she cut off.
Another thing I don't understand is the ending which is a good of a guess as yours. Just watch it and you'll fail to understand how it ties into anything. But then again you're smarter than I am.
I expected the Smile to be a saga but that's just not gonna happen. I mean just watch the last smile.
I'm not knocking Smile 2 but I am telling you it is just a dark jump scare movie. I don't have a problem with dark jump scare flicks but this is well this is silly.
Doom 3: BFG Edition (2012)
A- for AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Doom 3 came out one time in the best year ever.
Doom 3 wanted to make the Doom franchise more horror focus and that's ok but what I can't stand is the execution.
Doom 3 is a first person shooter survival horror game and there is nothing wrong with that however Doom 3's base game is a something else. It starts off with this sort of set piece driven walking segments which is so impressive by today's standards. Doom man is on this dark corridor planet filled with scientists trying to go back to Hell or something. Eventually the demons show up on this game. Then you pick up some guns and ammo and shoot away. The levels all feel the same though. I see they where trying to be like Half-Life but ended up with just any other game of the time because there is little exploration here. But you do pick up audio logs and stuff. Tons of smart AI.
The graphics are amazing for 2004. This is the best graphics of 2004. Objectively speaking. Some people may think they are too dark or dated or even shiny as they contrast with the previous Doom games immensely. But I digress. Gone are the days of pixelated sprites and walls with no bottom parts. Doom 3 was a peek into the future. The bump maps, the lighting, the art style, the animation. What every game would look like or so we thought. Every game compared to it looked like a Playstation 1 game and Doom 3 was their CG cutscenes. They look a little blocky today as they did back then but Doom 3 is unmistakably and Xbox 360 game.
As for the expansions they do better than the base game of Doom 3. There is better pacing and level designs and better lighting.
I think Doom 3's base game peaks and valleys on every level. Be it the graphics, storytelling or gameplay. Be it the third person cutscenes, the minimalist horror tunes, the blocky models, or even the jump scares and flat level design. But it's a solid horror experience.
The Substance (2024)
Give me therapy.
The substance is such a good horror movie with such great messages.
I just want to say the cinemography in this film is so on point. There are so many things that
Elizabeth is an actress who got retired by a bunch of scumbag producers for not being hot or young anymore despite being 50 years of age.
So she opts for plastic surgery but instead gets recommended a black market drug by a suspiciously young looking 19 year old collagen shot nurse. Dubbed 'the substance' She buys it off the black market despite disbelief and use. There are so many Cinderella rules to this potion. To preserving a clone. Elizabeth makes a clone called Sue but it's her because they swap consciousness. Sue is hot as she was in the 80's .
Anyway, there's a plot with rapid aging where Elizabeth becomes so old she becomes a 130 year old hag with a scoliosis and osteoporosis . Eventually it only becomes Sue and Sue wants to make another clone but she can't because she'll become a copy of a copy.
This copy leads to ElliSue and it's a monster that is worse than your most dreadful nightmares. Elisue, can only be described as a humanoid blob, Snoke if he got a stroke, Sloth gone sexual, No charm Quasimodo. Elisue, is what happens when you dig yourself so deep you cannot go back. It has a collection of Genetelia, a tumourous human head, with a slight of hair, ligaments sticking out of the mid section of the torso, placenta dragging from what can be described as an ambilocal cord and the only thing that is desired of her is the face that is on the back of Elisue's head. And it only gets worse from there.
There is gore and metal. The practical effects are so good.
I learned so much from this movie. No matter how bad things are they could always be worse. Never dig yourself deeper. Be grateful
Oh please watch the Substance. Because if you do you will no longer be jealous. Any slight of envy you had can be removed from this movie if you are a pretty person because true beauty comes from the inside.
I'm hoping we get sequels but they don't become clones of clones.
Hubie Halloween (2020)
Good job Adam Sandler, you did it.
Adam Sandler was told to make the worst movie of all time if he lost an award for Uncut Gems so he did.
Hubie Halloween is so meanspirited, outdated, and can't even hold my attention.
Hubie is an undiagnosed manchild who everyone just bullies for no reason other than he may have willfull stupidity and he talks like a baby.
One October night there was a werewolf attack that turned one of the mailmen into a lycan creature. No Hubie is on the case but no one believes him. So they throw electronics at him.
Hubie even gets bullied by kids. This rapid fire mean-spiritedness is so unwarranted.
There are several Sandler tropes here.
It's just painful and boring to watch. Thank you Adam, you outdid yourself.
Heroes of Cosplay (2013)
The worlds cringiest TV show
Heroes of Cosplay was a tv show that made me feel ashamed to be a nerd.
I have to say about this show is the realism. The toxicity behind the scenes of these cons is uncut. Starting off with getting in or at all to a con. Entering a comic con parking is a nightmare. One would have to pay exuberant amounts of money just to get into these things and valet for parking.
Next is getting cosplay to go through. There are serious winners and sore losers at these things. Sometimes people will dress up as Raiden from MGR with his robotic visor down to his outfit and his sword and hair. On the other hand I kid you not, someone would probably dress up as some mediocre superhero that wouldn't look out of place in Concord. The outbursts and breakdown these nerds have is so funny yet so sad at the same time. It's weird. There will be endless mishaps.
Feminists going crazy. Social rejects just fighting each other.
But really, no one needed to record this cringe. It's so sad to watch. I guess what they say is true. Social media only shows the highlights.
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice (2024)
Fun service
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is an ok mess of a movie.
I had fun with it but it's a complete mess. When you see a sequel rebooted after nearly 40 or 30 years it's gonna be messed up.
The fun part comes from it's action, comedy, special effects. It's all there. There is so much practical effects and stop motion.
Lydia becomes TV star who has her own show about talking to the dead but see's Beetlejuice everywhere she goes because she's probably a schizo or something. The movie never explains the visions she has but we all know that she is not crazy she can literally see dead people. Everyone has seen the movie.
Betelgeuse wife and killer has come back. She was hacked into part and is going to suck away everyone's soul and go back with Beetlejuice. She doesn't really explain her motivation or do anything. She just goes around sucking off guys of their spirits into her body. She does nothing or say nothing.
There are characters that don't make any sense. We have this evil boy who killed his parents and drank beer ending up dying. He turned out to be a ghost and took Astrid Deetz to the after life. He is killed off swiftly and abruptly. He has almost nothing to do with the plot.
Lidia has a daughter who is played by Wednesday Adams or something and she's a moody girl who resents her mom's career cause all the girls at school thinks she's totally weird and lame.
Anyway, this movie tackles nothing new really. Just fan service and the movie is probably 2 hours. Beetlejuice just sings 'MacCarther park' for some reason. It's not as wacky or random as saying Daylight come and me wanna go home. This is just the third act reinactment of that.
The humor is just mean spirited. The grandma dies because she gets bitten by asps. It's ok though. She was rich anyway and rich=bad.
But watch it for fun anyway. I think I think you may like it. But stick with the Beetlejuice TAS.
A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)
Declawed.
There is nothing good about Nightmare on Elmstreet 2 cause I could hardly remember a single thing about it.
The main protags are boys in it who have an intense affinity for each other because they are actually gay and that's ok but people in the 80's didn't think so thus they cut it out of the plot and never told a single soul 'til later. You're a B movie Nightmare on Elm street, not an Indie movie. Don't get too ahead of the game.
Anyway. Nightmare on Elmstreet 2 is a bad horror movie. All I remember is that Freddy turns into a bus and kills kids in the beginning. Nothing else remarkable happens.
Though I'm certain there are some cheap practical effects that will dazzle or terrify.
The Good Dinosaur (2015)
Certainly not Pixar's best movie
The Good Dinosaur came out in 2015 and isn't a good movie really. I don't think anyone will have fun with this movie.
Here we have Arlo, an ugly dinosaur rendered in a beautiful CG landscape. He loses his family and must go on his own. He then comes to the Aid of Spot. A dumb ugly little cave boy who cannot speak. Arlo treats spot like a little dog.
There are many funny elements in the good dinosaur but overall it's a bad movie.
There are no real stakes. Just return a child back to it's family then go home. Spot is boring and stupid. He may seem funny but he isn't fun.
Pixar doesn't need to be Disney to be emotional. They just need to be good.
This is the worst Pixar movie honestly.
The Emoji Movie (2017)
Meh
I rewatched the emoji movie and saw a world where emojis can live together in peace and harmony but can only be one not. I saw as the colorful CGI tantalized my eyes.
The movie is about a kid who has a smartphone and he goes on it too much with all the other schoolies. He wants to rizz up a baddy but can't because he's an L rizz student. (t's so funny this movie he'd be 20 now). So what does he do? The boy gets his phone updated to have a new keyboard full new emojis. This is the stake in the movie because this mean total emoji death if he does so. Meh is seen as a fluke because he's multifaceted in his emotions.
20 minutes in I realized something. There are inanimate objects that can emote but not emojis themselves. This doesn't make a lick of sense. But it's ok though because humans cannot see the emotions of those random object/animal emojis but shouldn't these? But why is it bad for emojis to express more than one emotion? This do not make sense big boy.
Well I think very little kids will like it except they won't. I'm friends with a person who literally has holes in their brain and he doesn't like it. He likes bad movies like the Good Dinosaur. It's not that bad though. Just sort of another movie.
Now I feel like a loser for even talking about this movie. Thanks a lot, Emoji movie!
System Shock (2023)
Does this remake give Bioshock a run for it's money?
I played the System Shock remake last year and it's impressive. Too bad I forgot about it.
Same great gameplay but there are caveats. For one, players cannot mantle on furniture or anything like in the first one. I hope they updated this game because I experienced glitches out of the wazoo. There was one time I got stuck in a room and couldn't leave the stupid cyborg regeneration chamber. But still players can listen to audio logs, become scared, shoot, lean, hack, solve puzzles, go through cyberspace. Citadel station is so open and huge it's easy to get lost!
There are so many weapons and fauxs to choose from. But rush not, our player character will lose wind quickly.
The graphics where a big step up. They aren't overly pixelated. They are still pixelated but you see you have a full 3D world with fully 3D graphics and enemies. Very shiny and high poly full of special effects but I feel like any realism was lost in this remake. In the original it felt more grounded because was is our play character flipping off people and stuff? What's with all these sassy animations? I miss feeling like a Rescue ranger.
The music in this game is gone. There is none more of it. Just vague atmosphere. That's nice but I miss the campy music.
Anyway, you still get the same fun video game from 30 years ago. Oh Jeez.
Bayonetta (2009)
There are no Bayonets but I'm not taking it back
Bayonetta was one of the best hack and slash games of all time. It's so wacky and random and yet so elegant and stylish. 15 year old me thought this game was amazing and you can see why.
STORY
Bayonetta is about a witch who has awaked after 1000 years. She has pissed off a bunch of Angels and Demons. Now she must get back at an Lumen sage for all this nonsense including a long lost daughter of Bayonetta.
Bayonetta brings such great call backs to religious and mythical theology such as Christian and Pagan religions which makes it super overwhelming to me.
One thing that is annoying about Bayonetta is how many pointless anime flashbacks it can go through. I get so tired of watching them that I skip them. Which I can.
GAMEPLAY
Bayonetta has great pace. It is a straight up action game. You will never feel exhausted by it's combat which though simplistic and makes you think it's advanced is great nor will you feel exhausted by backtracking and exploration. You can collect many things like health loli pops, new weapons and more.
Collect rings halos and buy stuff such as combos and new weapons
There are special driving stages where you ride cars, missiles, motorbikes and more.
Bayonetta can transform in to large cats or birds.
She can stop time using witch power.
Walk on walls like in Super Mario Galaxy.
Bayonetta can even do climaxes (no pun intended) where she performs a finishing move on an opponent.
Bayonetta has guns on her shoes but can only be used for stunning enemies or mega blast moves.
There are platforming segments that aren't too jarring.
She can even summon all the hair that makes her suit (i'm not even joking) and kill monsters with it.
Pick up lore you will never ever read.
Even in loading times you can practice combos.
Gain trophies based on your performance. Gaining platinum or gold trophy is super hard because players must search for Alfheims that seem like secrets. Don't even think about getting injured or using health pops because that's cheating according to the games system's. But do collect health and magi items like butter flies and green stuff. Every fight must be treated with such diligence. Don't get damaged and do kill.
One thing I find jarring about Bayonetta is the outdated video game concepts Shinji Mikami still puts in his games such as invisible walls, floaty controls, and battle barriers. Seriously. Why not just program better AI?
GRAPHICS
People who hate the PS3 version of the Bayonetta are just mean. It runs fine on it's own besides in cutscenes. The PS3 version of Bayonetta still holds up to this day! Be it that Bayonetta is incredibly hot and that the environments are incredibly round and shiny. The whole aesthetic gives a realistic Resident Evil Devil May Cry like appearance. There are many post processing effects and cool monster designs.
Bayonetta herself is well animated. It truly is an AAA experience.
SOUND
The sound of Bayonetta is phenomenal. The music is so good, prepare your ears for house reneditions of Fly me to the moon by Frank Sinatra.
Call backs to such Sega classic as Outrun, Afterburner, and Space Harrier!
Bayonetta is full of wit and humor. Her voice actor is great.
OVERALL
Bayonetta is a fun video game I never got tired of. Try it today!
The Life & Times of Tim (2008)
Very dry, best cartoon ever
HBO decided to drop this gem in 2008 and 2012 then never pick it up again.
Tim is a boring manchild who live in New York city as a businessman. All he does is disappoint.
Tim does will do anything that is right as long as other people tell him to do it. Like his assertive boss or a sinful preacher. Tim is socially awkward and his girlfriend hates him for it. He hangs out with Stu his best friend.
Every time Tim tries to do something nice it backfires entirely. Literally nothing through out the series has Tim going through a redemption arc. He just causes pain and sadness where ever he goes.
The style is crude, but I love it. None of the characters actually walk. The animation is cheaper than South Park or Clutch Cargo. It is such a rare occurrence when that happens.
The life and Times of time is absolutely mean spirited.
Watch it now on HBO Max or Paramount plus.
Alone in the Dark (2024)
Alone in the disapointment. Wooohh
Once upon a time there was a video game that invented a terrifying genre but got worse as the series went on. One day THQ resurrected themselves in Norway and decided to resurrect a video dead gaming franchise called Alone in the Dark.
They tried remaking Alone in the Dark but the only thing on their mind was copying Resident Evil 4 and the Last of Us Wooooh! Which made a fun romp but was nothing like Alone in the Dark original.
The art style is good but the character designs are uncanny! WoooohH! Except Miss Hartwood is so hot. (The lust of 100 demons humiliate you for a cartoon chick.)
This game has nothing to do with the original besides there is a frog in the intro. There are more outside zones like Bourbon Street for whatever.
The monsters are the least terrifying thing in this game. None of them have supernatural behaviors and the combat doesn't elicit that because Melee in the original was so important. So crucial. The enemies are just zombies but with Eldritch horror monster characters. Nothing weird or terrifying.
You know, It's ok to deviate from the original but Alone in the Dark 2024 isn't it. It doesn't know what it wants to be. I wanted a 1:1 remake made in Unity but we can't all get what we want so we have Alone in the Dark 2024.
If you want a generic horror game. Go buy it on sale. But if you wanna remake of Alone in the Dark from 1992? Summon Cthulhu cause you ain't gonna get it here.
Die Hard Trilogy (1996)
Yippe Kayay A hidden PS1 gem
Die hard trilogy is a PS1 game I couldn't stop playing back in the day. This is what happens when you make a game based on a movie decades after the movie released.
Die hard Trilogy is a multi-genre game spanning the entire Die hard trilogy starring Bruce Willis as John McClane.
A third person shooter, a light gun game, and a driving game.
Die Hard 1 is the most addicting and fun. Play as John McClane who will save Nakatomi Plaza from terrorist scum and rescue captives. Kill endless troves of enemies and move on to the next floor to get to the rooftops. Discover a variety of weapons. Hide behind cover an and roll dodge to pop one in a stupid enemies head.
Die Hard 2 is light gun game like Time Crisis if one is familiar. Aim your gun at baddies at Dulles Airport and save hostages from terrorists. Shoot health and ammo. This game is too hard but enjoyable. The framerates are bad but the atmosphere is sad enough to keep you going.
Die Hard 3 is a driving game in the styles of Crazy Taxi but this time you steal a taxi or a cop car. Crash into a bomb and prevent it from detonating the Bronx. This one isn't so fun because it has monotonous levels and is full of traffic but it feels like GTA so it's cool. In fact this whole game has that GTA vibe.
The sound effects in this game, are so funny and memorable. "Die Yanky! " "Take this Yankey!" "Ooh!" ARGH!" AHHHH!!!" "OWW!" "GET HIM!" "TAKE THIS!" "HOHOHO! I GOT ME A MACHINE GUN!" "Happy trails!" "Sorry Pal" "NYPD!" "Ow!" "And isn't." "Best Christmas bonus I ever got.
The Graphics are pretty bad nowadays. If it looked bad on PS1 it will probably look worse on Saturn. The lack of shading, the lack of lighting effects, the heavily pixelated special effects and the characters who are just basically a collection of well animated sprites with different angles is going to be hard for modern gamers to stomach. Especially in the more intensive levels such as. But the destructible physics save it all.
Overall, Die hard trilogy is arcade goodness that brings back bloody glorious memories.
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (2008)
Most epic game of all time!
Metal Gear Solid 4 is the most epic game of all time and here's why.
STORY
War has changed. After 100 years of conspiracy's Revolver Ocelot has finally done it. He has taken over the world. Or has something taken over him? Revolver has taken over the military industrial complex. Now he has taken over the globe with the Supercomputer GW and the Beauty and the Beast Squadron. Civilizations crumble as he takes over PMC. No one can rebel and fight back except for one grizzled veteran "I'm no hero." Old Snake. Snake is 45 years old now but he doesn't look it. He in fact looks 75. Snake is grey and still age hasn't slowed him down one bit. Do to the nanomanchines. Everything is do to the nanomachines. Yet even do to this plot armor Metal Gear Solid 4 still stands as one of the most deepest complex games ever. Now Snake must take on a robot army and PMCs with the help of the new Foxhound lead by Meryl Silverburgh and Johnny Akiba from previous games with the help of Hal Emmerich. Travel all across the globe from Middle East, South America, Eastern Europe, all the way back to Shadow Moses.
In the beginning you are greeted with wacky commercials that have to do with the lore of Metal Gear Solid. All are creepy and weird and funny at the same time but oddly enough are all done in live action. Then your journey begginith.
GAMEPLAY
The gameplay in Metal Gear Solid 4 is amazing. It's on heights you'd never see a Metal Gear game before prior. So basically you get a good 360 degree camera.
The main focus of the game is stealth however you can use guns on each mission its your choice but I prefer stealth. You have tons of weapons to chose from.
The interface is pretty good to. I love it.
Snake is also equipped later with cute little robot known as the Metal Gear Mk II. It can turn invisible and knock on walls even electrocute random soldiers.
Snake can sneak in drums of oil, cardboard boxes, wear a octocamo suit that can change to any color needed, and more.
You can use CQC.
You can use the solid eye to see things you need to see or want and I love it.
Hide and build stamina.
Snake can get Drebin points and buy weapons and items and unlock guns.
These levels are detailed and the enemy AI is very smart. They can see you from long distances and climb up ladders if they need to.
There are many fun vehicle stages where you can be with your mom on a motorcycle and fight off tanks and hummers. Fight on a truck against armies of PMC.
Snake can sneak or fight against giant tank robots with sexy legs, militias, PMCs, and more. Eventually against bosses of the B&B unit. A league of sexy super soldiers who symbolize the horrors of war and are nods .
However for all this gameplay you must sit through countless cut scenes and there are 7 hours worth of them. And snake is doing a lot of stuff in them. But I love them and see this as a plus as they are very cool and interesting.
Metal Gear Solid 4 is so elaborate it would take me hours to explain it all to you and its not even a sandbox game.
There is no multiplayer anymore because of this eh. But even it was there it wouldn't, not in 2020 that's for sure. However I wish I still played it.
Overall Metal Gear Solid 4 is really up there and I love it.
GRAPHICS
Metal Gear Solid 4 has very nice graphics for the most part. I love Yoji Shinkawa's art style and how it makes everything look gritty, dark, mechanical, and angular. Amazing character designs and mechs. The lighting effects are good, there are nice shiney surfaces, and everyone seems to have a bump map especially Solid Snake since he's so damn old and wrinkly.
Sparks fly and explosions hit. Blood splatters and all the particle effects are nice.
The cut-scene animation is fine to. Many of the first environments have low resolution worlds as they lack texture detail and look rather dull sometimes with nasty jaggies. But some areas like Eastern Europe hold up very well!
The frame rate seems to take a hit as things slow down when stuff heats up. This was common back then don't get me wrong. This was already 2 year old hardware.
Seeing MGS evolve from 8bit sprites into 7th gen HD polygon worlds that look like movies is overwhelming and puzzling how they got this far.
But overall Metal Gear Solid 4 is a very fine looking video game and still holds up somewhat to day.
SOUND
The sound for Metal Gear Solid is just wonderful. I love David Hayter's voice. It's so grizzled and old . I love this games music and it's atmospheric it touches the heart.
And a reminder. Metal Gear Solid is yet again very reliant on sound so if you hit a wall the soldiers will hear it as well as the rebels to.
PS. You can also listen to JPop on an iPod if the battlefield is too overwhelming.
OVERALL
Metal Gear Solid 4 has a lot of fan service and goods. It's an excellent stealth game if you look past the hours of cut scenes. Many novelties in this game. You can see how much creativity that Hideo Kojima gets. How many yes men are in his life.
Crysis (2007)
So real it hurts
2007 was a crazy year for video games. We had Marios, Uncharteds, Call of Dutys. Halos, Assassin's Creeds, Zeldas, Metroids, and all sorts of games coming out. All of them where unique video games. Innovating despite the fact that they would become outdated by sequels in years to come. But one game really stood out. And I mean stood out a lot, but not too much. Crysis. A game from the people who introduced you to Far Cry created a game that would push expectations. But can it live up to FC? Or will it divulge it all?
Let's hop into it shall we?
STORY
Crysis's story is fairly simple but not effective enough. So basically you're part of an elite military group. Your name is Nomad. Scientists are stolen by the evil nasty north Korean commie scumbags and it's your duty and Raptor team's to rescue them from the evil clutches. All while traversing locations in a Jungle. Which is too cliche to be quite fair considering we all ready tread these grounds in Far Cry. But what does that entail? Plot twists, apparently there's an alien conspiracy. Sadly the Aliens aren't sentient enough to make the game interesting, they are just evil and dumb and have less motivations than Half-Life bad guys. So apperently the evil NKers want to harness the power of the alien supersuits to take over the world. All that backfires. The aliens attempt to kill everyone. See for yourself.
The characters aren't very deep. You have a token black guy , a funny british man, and yourself who is no Duke Nukem. Overall, Crysis has a nice summer blockbuster story. But it's as meaningless as possible.
All the story is pretty short but satisfying.
GRAPHICS
One word. Mind blowing. These graphics back in their day are the best you could see on computers. No computer at the time could run it. Everything is realistic and beautiful like 90% of the time. The graphics are just amazing. Where do I even begin? Ok the lighting, like it's the most beautiful thing about Crysis. Light bounces off the ground and inside even the tiniest cracks of bump map texture light bounces everywhere with paralax occlusion mapping giving tiny rocks a 3D illusion. Light beams peterdown.
Grass and foliage though low res at times incredibly interactive and beautiful. They bounce around and sway in the trees. You shoot the trees and they fall apart and fall to the ground. It's also beautiful. The terrain is beautiful to.
Realistic volumetric explosions combust with sparks as well as other particle effects.
Corridors are fairly minimalist. The polygon count isn't perfect. You'll often see things that are blocky. Compared to seeing something like ME or Quake 4. But Crysis takes advantage of this through it's amazing jagged sci-fi Art Style. The guns look sound and great.
The water is realistic to. Looks very beautiful but lets all be honest. Wave Race 64 mastered this plugin.
The animations are really fluid to. Characters waists and legs move and turn.
The large draw distances are something to savor.
Overall, Crysis's graphics stand the test of time as hard as possible. It looks well better than most games today! It could easily sit play on PS4 or Xbox one X. You can get the best out of C1 by overclocking your PC.
Oh and another thing Crysis still looks darling on all low. You can probably download it on PSN or XBLA if you're a peasent. Haha!
GAMEPLAY
Crysis is a lot more original than most games in that it doesn't heavily streamline itself to become accessible to sell high sales. No Crysis is truely one of a kind. Though it is a more streamlined version of Far Cry it does away with a lot of AAA cliches. None that I can think on top of my head but it's really refreshing to play this type of game.
In essence Crysis is a first person stealth shooter and rightfully so. Crysis has an open world level design that isn't so tightly scripted. You can can either go guns a blazing or sneak around unnoticed assassinating other people. Go around and shooting KPA soldiers or use your nanosuit to throw them killing them as they flop around with ragdoll effects. You can swim around your enemies, drive boats, automobiles, and more.
The weapons are satisfying.
The nanosuit has powers to
Run super fast
Turn invisible
Super Strength
The AI can be either really aware or really dumb at times. It feels like they tried to make them like real life military. As if the KPA had no awareness.
The aliens are much smarter though but they are really simple.
You can throw things, you can do anything!
There are also no third person cutscenes so immersion over cinema is enforced.
Overall Crysis is huge fun I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
SOUND
Crysis has some really good tunes. You can listen to, lots of realistic sound effects.
The dialogue sounds quite cheesy at times.
CONCLUSION
Crysis is a fun game, its a PC pusher and looks great to this day. It's a shame it was underrated. So if you like FPS, open options Crysis is for you. If you don't like generic stories whatever it's still good you can over look that.
Dead Space 3 (2013)
Dud Space 3 is more like it
Dead Space franchise goes out with a whimper and not a bang. Before we had this series of beautiful immersive beyond belief third person shooter survival horror games and what do we get? This.
Dead Space 3 is about Isaac and the alien cult markers are back now his schizophrenic brain must stop the evil aliens and save the girl!!
Dead Space 3 doesn't need to be scary. But it wouldn't hurt to be scary.
The gameplay in Dead Space 3 on paper sounds nice with realistic guns but in practice is really dull and generic. Fending off aliens one by one with guns and is full of dumb set pieces. There is bad pacing all about.
Unlocking items in Dead Space 3 is a chore because after you beat the entire game there are certain unlockables that you have to unlock like 256 colors mode by playing on nightmare. Just download Reshade if you're on PC.
Of all the AAA games in 2013 Dead Space seems to be the least remarkable because it's graphics are covered in frost but demonstrate nothing noteworthy except maybe for a strong art direction.
Overall Dead Space 3 loses wind within 2 hours of it's run time. Just play it to get it over with.
Smiling Friends (2020)
Made me smile
Smiling friends is an absurdist animation. This show gets me every time. Smiling friends is super funny.
Smiling friends is set in a weird, wacky random version of America full of humanoid creatures with nonsense names like Pim and Blip. Everything has a made up name. Charlie and Pim are the main cast that go around trying to make everyone smile. Charlie is a normal guy who is bi and Pim likes to yell random stuff loudly.
Smiling friends has a sureal pulp aethsetic remenisent of 90's cartoons with flat gritty backgrounds and bright colors. Characters that are just literally smiling faces.
This show is made by a zillenial terminally online and it shows in the writing. Sometimes they say based, cringe, or Gwimbly. Gwimbly being a reference to the 4chan Smash meme Scrimblo Bimblo the Adorable Scrunko, video game characters that are so small and cute made for kiddy platformers. I don't play Gwimbly however. I play Troglor because I'm manly. Anyway they also make fun of Brazil like Brazilians do and so do Zoomer millenials.
Loose omages to LOTR.
The way Smiling friends is Voiced is like the same awkward tone of every Adult Swim show ever produced.
The way it is written is almost like a TV14 version of Regular show where they even have a big headed boss character who is like Pops. Smiling friends is such an enjoy able show.
BioShock (2007)
Addicting Unique underwater adventure
In 2007 tons of aforementioned games where coming out. Bioshock was one of the big Kahoonas. It had promised it all. Amazing 3D graphics, open levels, RPG elements, original setting, survival horror elements, a spiritual successor to System Shock 2 but does it still hold up?
STORY
The story is quite unique in Bioshock. You Jack have crash landed in the Atlantic Ocean. You find yourself at a light house. Out of all the one and a million chances in the whole entire world you are sent into an underwater elevator and are transported to a Underwater Utopia. But then you realize it's a dystopia. It's terrifying. These people had too much freedom and now are experimenting on each other and little girls. Men are becoming Big daddy's? How sinister? It's your job to join a rebellion and defeat Fontain and save the city from it's own altruist suicide.
The story telling is much interviewed into the gameplay like System Shock as you listen to audio logs and see various clues and clever gimmicks that got old like blood writing on the walls saying "I'm suffering!" or "I like peanut butter.~" It's quite effective but I get tired of the insane sounding audio logs. It worked in System Shock but stop copying the formula. Maybe hmm. READ? But reading things here ain't fun either.
Bioshock much not unlike Metal Gear Solid is concepted by a psuedo-intellectual 15 year old who just picked up Ayn Raynd and asked himself "Who is John Galt?" but then said to himself "Hmmm. This is garbage!" and moved on and bragged about his beliefs to everyone whilst tipping his fedora.
You get nice little scripted events to. Do you guys still love it when a play happens before you and they talk to you like a dog?
All in all the story is a feels trip and gets scary and will make you jerk a tear at the ending if you are a good boy.
GAMEPLAY
The FPS RPG genre was always a troublesome thing to balance. You are either too FPS or too RPG. Some have nailed it while others completely missed the mark. Bioshock seems to have hit the mark and missed it by 3 meters.
What I love about Bioshock is it's ambition.
You have tons of guns and slots to put them in. Each of them as strong as the last. Except for the wrench which is there to be brutal and doesn't feel like it only looks.
There are tons of places to explore. But they all feel pretty much the same.
The RPG elements are simple but effective.
-Buy things
-Get super powers with injections
-Solve said puzzles with powers
-Levation psych.
-Upgrade weapons
-Shoot bees out of the palms
-Hack security cams
-Sneak
-Different AI abilities
All of this made Bioshock completely next gen
The pacing of Bioshock is completely ruined by it's vitachambers. Good thing you can turn them off. But they make the game generally pointless and unbalanced. Everything feels incredibly slow.
Bioshock feels repetitive in a way .The objectives are strange and I know that has a point but they boil down to easter egg hunts and not in the fun pop culture reference way. I mean they make the game a complete bore. Search for dead corpses and photograph them for a pompous artist? Whats the point in that? Just give me something logical like I don't know.. repairing a machine?
I must say that Bioshock has the most unique enemies ever.
The story of Bioshock is comepletely non-linear which makes the Shock franchise a complete candidate for making everything about itself a good blend of what makes a game great. You can either be Jesus or Satan. Jesus saves the world, grows old and dies happily. Satan unleashes it's Rapture on to the world. These are black and white however so it makes it feel shallow unless you are ok with that? This is caused by you deciding to kill little girls or saving them.
The over all world feels dead. Not like a working vessel. Just assume someone is still making this place work full insane druggies.
GRAPHICS
The graphics in Bioshock are amazing. Rob Waters has outdone himself. They have aged amazingly well with these incredibly colorful graphics and amazing Art Deco design, bump mapped worlds, nifty 50's posters, detailed enemies and monsters, satisfying particle effects, pretty lighting effects, particle effects, and look great on every console. Though it can be low res at times I can only partially blame that being Unreal Engine 2.5 is not the best candidate for details like the camera POV being too zoomed out or character NPC animations being too stiff and lifeless with Fresnell it's unnecessary also the interface isn't very aesthetic really. . This is what I hated about Red Steel and that's a Wii game. Overall Bioshock has a loving presentation that can only be found in 90's CGI cartoons. Though things tend to have too much visual congruity at times it's still nice.
SOUND
Bioshock is also relies on it's sound a lot. One thing I do love about Bioshock's sound is that it's very atmospheric. So atmospheric that there is no real music. Just some swing playing on Jukebox's. Bioshock feels boring in that regard. There is no actual music about besides POV cutscenes. But the voice acting and sound effects are effecive.
OVERALL
Bioshock is very interesting piece of gaming but doesn't know how to pace itself like System Shock, Deus Ex, or Ultima Underworld. I feel though it's worth a play through and you might like it.
Might as well play STALKER just to be safe comrade.
Ghostbusters (1984)
Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters is the quintessential 80's film. Ghostbusters is an infitnely fun movie for all.
The Ghosts have invaded New York and it takes a team of 4 ghost trappers to stop them all. Even worse, Zool is leading the spirit world to the real world.
Ghostbusters is insanely fun and has good character development.
A nerdy non nonsense scientist known as Egon. Bill Murray plays a charismatic Ghostbuster who is leader. Dan Ankoroyd who plays Ray stants. Winston Zeddemore played by Ernie Hudson who's not as smart but has heart.
Dana Barlet as supporting cast.
Slimer, a green slimey Ghost who's brain is damaged by a bullet all must but eat.
So many good characters.
The setting in Ghostbusters is iconic. The Ghostbusters ride a hearst everywhere, wearing jumpsuits, living in an abandoned firehouse, having powerpacks and slammers to zap and control ghosts.
There are many scary moments despite it being an ironic comedy about ghosts.
Tons of fun practical effects.
The theme song to Ghostbusters is iconic.
Why are you even reading this review? Just watch the dang movie!
BUSTIN' MAKES ME FEEL GOOD!
Conker's Bad Fur Day (2001)
An interactive Ralph Bakshi movie
Conker breaks all the rules in Conker's bad fur day. It's one of the best N64 games of all time.
Conker is a little squirrel who must stop the Panther King before he takes over the world. Conker must find his way home and meet up with Barry. But this isn't just a kiddy game. CBFD is a raunchy adult game with ironic colorful cartoon graphics.
GAMEPLAY
Conker unlike other 3D platformers at the time doesn't rely on collect-a-thons but rather solving riddles and puzzles. This gives SO MUCH to the narrative. Conker will go up to NPC's and perform favors in return for anthropomorphic money. Hijinks will ensue. This being said combat boils down to context rather than attack. This may not be fun as say Banjo but it moves quite a long well.
Conker will fly with his tail to elevate to platforms. Each level will be a reference to a movie. From Matrix, Private Ryan to Clockwork Orange. This game has it all.
Conker gains health and life by tails and chocolate.
Cutscenes cannot be skipped. This is makes some levels unnerving.
GRAPHICS
The Graphics of Conker's Bad Fur Day are insane. The best graphics the console has to offer. Every drop of power the 64 has is spent on this game. The art is cute but is bloody, sexual, and violent.
Every polygon is spent on Conker and every character.
You will see baked lighting textures. They are super sharp and superior.
The animation helps make the Conker come to life. Everything has amazing kinetic animation that gives the game an almost timeless appeal. Visuals that wouldn't look out of place 2001 PS2 game. As a result the resolution and frame rate suffer.
If CBFD was any proof of what George Wood claimed that the N64 could produce Toy Story Quality graphics Conker would be it.
SOUND
The sound in Conker's Bad Fur Day is amazing. You will hear swearing, British voices, and the great mighty poo. This makes the game hilarious.
The music ironically cheerful to.
OVERALL
Conker's Bad fur day is really worth a buy.
Crash Bandicoot: Warped (1998)
The best in the series
Crash Bandicoot 3 Warped is my childhood. I walked into the Toys R Us and saw a collection of video games on display in a demo. Ridge Racer Type 4, Spyro 3, Metal Gear Solid, Crash Bandicoot 3. They where all GREAT games. Games that could not be touched by 7th gen hardware in terms of quality and concept.
STORY
After defeating the allied enemy of Neo Cortex, the doctor was at a lost cause until he found the Power Crystals. Now he has teamed up with the evil Uka Uka mask and a group of other jerks to rule over earth. Only Crash and Cocoa and the Wise Aku Aku can stop them.
GAMEPLAY
The Gameplay is the most evolved form of Crash Bandicoot. More moves, more pace, many levels. Crash 3 is so great! It's the same linear level design as before but still works.
It's so polished.
Did I mention you can ride a baby tiger or a jet ski? Cocoa is the best. The bosses are fun. Need I say more?
You can go on time trials and it's the best. Collect Gems. Underwater levels are actually fun
GRAPHICS
The graphics in Crash Bandicoot 3 are the finest in all of the PS1 library. All the textures are detailed and crisp and gritty. Every level has it's own theme and they all feel like they come straight out of a Disney movie of the same time. The characters are expressive as if they come out of the Loony Tunes short and the polygon count is really high. Enemies are varied. So much shiny.
SOUND
The music is fun. It really hits hard since it runs on the sound chip. The bass hits hard and isn't prerecorded garbage. WOAH and BLING fill this game. I love it.
OVERALL
Crash Bandicoot 3 is the best in the series. If you played the others play this. It's the best.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023)
Says a lot about our world
Guardians 3 looking back was an exploitative superhero space opera piece with lots of non-sense. But now, I see this movie as meaningful. But before that let's get to this.
The plot of Guardians 3 is about Rocket who gets totally injured and now the Guardians must look for a part that was connected to Rocket Raccoon's body and the only way to get it back is from his recreator High Evolution. A robot doctor who is given life and expirements on animals.
This movie is full of frequent scenes of animal creulty. When the Guardians aren't kicking but or talking about a relationship we don't care about there is Rocket's backstory of being molded into a cyborg beast along with his cyborg beast friends. This is a lot to take in since it's so dark and gritty.
Eventually High evolution finds out a more ethical way of making animals sentient and that's by Highly evolving them. Why didn't he think of that before?! It's in the name! Anyway, High Evolution and Rocket soon form a planet civilization that only Twitter Stan Furries could come up and it's an entire world of Humanoid animals living the most perfect life in the late 80's. Just like a show with ideal cartoon animals High evolution makes it real and it is rather uncanny. This says a lot about society even though his society isn't perfect. But Dr. H. E. Doesn't care about the planet.
Anway the movie is full of satisfying pay offs and moments that make you go 'woah' even though it's CG scifi fest.
Overall if you have 3 hours, watch Guardians of the Galaxy Part 3.
Shinseiki Evangelion (1995)
The first cartoon to ever get you out of the prison of the mind
NGE is an amazing mecha anime that talks about the most difficult time in human's life. Teen years.
In this show, we are shown the protagonist Shinji Ikari a pathetic boy who hates himself with daddy issues, a dead beat father Gendo Ikari who works for Nerve, A secret organization that is meant to stop giant second impact anomalies. With the help of some other detached/neurotic teenagers who must fight inside robots against Aliens in the sky.
In this show we are given plot twists that you'll never see coming.
The animation in NGE is top notch. It's full of realistic motion of the Eva unit mechas. Battling a bunch of Biblically accurate angels representing the end of time.
Shinji learns to grow and change as a person. He realizes the most cliche lesson in life, Be yourself. But why? Be yourself because in the end, nothing really matters. We are just put on this earth to satisfy no one. Eat, sleep, have sex, and die. Not just because you have to be cool in high school. But because we are just that way. And in the end, Shinji loves himself and others. That's my interpretation.
Now go buy a Misato body pillow and watch this show you weeb.