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Reviews
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)
The world's first completely silent chainsaw.
Many others have rightly pointed out the plethora of godawful nonsense attached to this incarnation of Leatherface: an apparently supernatural and immortal septuagenarian with a magical chainsaw that not only cuts through steel like butter, but needs not so much as a drop of gasoline after being in storage for 50 years, and which is effortlessly utilized to deflect point-blank shotgun blasts (a defense which is unnecessary, since Leatherface's invincible skin now soaks up bullets and blades like Dracula in full kevlar).
So, too, has attention been called to the mind-numbing idiocy displayed by the cringetastic lineup of irritating youngsters. Over and over again, when given a chance to either avoid their doom or at least put up a fighting chance against it, our insipid protagonists veer towards a helplessness that borders on the suicidal. (For example, when a murderous maniac barges onto a party bus, the unarmed revelers gently tap at the windows as they are cut down, instead of unlocking and opening them to climb out.)
However, one of the deepest insults to the viewer's intelligence is something I've yet to see addressed in other reviews: the recasting of Leatherface as a stealthy assassin. Throughout the franchise's admitted ups and downs, one constant in the killer has been his utter lack of subtlety. Leatherface is invariably portrayed as a lumbering giant of a man, stomping around in boots and wielding the most ear-splitting weapon known to horrordom. Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers, while also brawny, are quiet; Leatherface is not. His is an ignorant relentlessness, a pursuer who goes through any obstacle rather than over, under, or around.
In the 2022 installment, Leatherface's cat-like grace rivals that of a ninja executing an intricately-planned jewel heist. Adding whisper-quiet teleportation to the killer's already dubious list of remarkable superpowers was what truly made me give up on the film. As a captive girl finally seizes the long-overdue initiative to sneak downstairs and out of the house, Leatherface instantly appears on the landing without so much as a single footstep or creaky floorboard. When the same quarry is trapped under the house, the killer can instantly jam a chainsaw through the floor above her without warning--no tromping overhead as he hunts his prey, no telltale idling of the gas-powered engine as he approaches, just total silence one instant and then the weapon roaring through the boards at full power the next.
This ridiculous flaw is repeated throughout the movie: the timid victims hiding wherever they can, stifling the shallowest breath, can't hear the deathly silence of a bullet-riddled 350-pound psychopath with a growling chainsaw sneaking up on them. This phantom assassin simply materializes on the spot wherever there is a helpless victim to claim.
In a word, this movie is nonsense. Badly written, poorly acted, with no originality and no respect for the franchise that it apes, or for the intelligence of the viewer.
Evil Dead Rise (2023)
I think something's wrong with Mom
**Mom gets possessed by demon**
**Entire family and room full of neighbors standing there watching**
**Spine contorts to impossible shape**
"Mom? You okay?"
**Crab-walks up the side of a wall and onto the ceiling**
"Mom? Is everything alright, Mom?"
**Projectile-vomits twenty gallons of blood**
"Are you okay, Mom?"
**Speaks ancient language in hideous demonic voice, eyes rolling around in their sockets**
"Mom, it's me. What's wrong, Mom?"
**Grabs shard of broken glass, proceeds to dig it into arms and face**
"Mom, listen. I hope you're okay. You're starting to worry me."
**"I WILL MASSACRE ALL OF YOU AND FEAST ON YOUR GUTS. NO ONE WILL SURVIVE THE NIGHT. YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!"**
"Mom, are you feeling okay? It seems like something might be wrong."
**Bites through neighbor's jugular vein, cackles maniacally while covered in the arterial spray**
"Guys, I think something might be wrong with Mom. I don't know, she's acting weird. What should we do?"