kalbimassey

I NEVER knew that Bernard Lee wore dentures. In the event, he probably wished he hadn't, as the aforementioned choppers prove integral to his downfall, in this Brit noir, which, following an exciting start, steadily loses its bite.

Nader swindles a vulnerable widow out of the hefty value of her late husband's coin collection and pulls off a daring prison break, before discovering that in best buddy Bernard Lee there is little honour among thieves. The pair embark upon a mini competition, taking turns at bashing the other over the head. The winner, presumably, the one who induces the longer period of unconsciousness. Although Nader prevails, he's on the lam, with little money, finding a sole ally and soul mate in youthful Maggie Smith.

The once notorious gangster has become a 'wouldn't touch him with a barge pole character,' who literally has nowhere to go. That said; he's been to court, prison, an ice hockey game, a night club and South Wales. On balance, there are many who lead far less varied lives!

Hard to believe that a movie about jazz musicians and records, from the golden era of big bands and emergent hard bop could be so spineless, spiritless, redundant and resigned.

Virtuoso horn player and murder suspect, Alex Nicol decides to blow his own trumpet and search for the killer, while senior police officers potter about aimlessly asking a string of barbed questions in a brusque manner, when not intently preoccupied by more essential pen pushing activities, leaving Nicol to engage in a couple of clumsy fights and form a friendship with the dead girl's sister (Eleanor Summerfield).

It all revolves...as far as I can tell, around the contents of a mystery disc, which nobody is able to shed any light upon, until late in the day, when lab coated technician Jeremy Hawk provides some intuition. A slew of substandard acting and uninspired dialogue, finally leads to one of those ensemble pieces where all those under suspicion are put through the mill, until someone is ultimately called out. A bit like the boardroom sequence from 'The Apprentice'.

If you really wanna listen to a Mystery Disc, then check out Frank Zappa's platter of the same name, which offers a fascinating insight into the early recordings by The Mothers of Invention.

Okay, maybe he changed at Crewe, but the G. W. R. Loco at the outset of George Baker's journey, has been magically transformed into an L. M. S. Engine as he reaches the grimy northern town, which is his destination. 'Tween times credits roll against a carriage window, blackened by the night sky, while lights flash fleetingly in the background. One of the more memorable moments of a largely half-baked movie, the centre piece of which is a bodged heist, which need never had taken place, if someone had simply possessed the presence of mind to tell.....the truth! Remember that?

The overly imposing, frequently violent score appears to be an attempt to persuade us that the largely pedestrian on screen action is actually gripping and suspenseful. Alternatively, it serves as a distraction from Baker and Morgan's half-hearted stabs at a northern accent. Morgan in particular veers briefly towards Geordie and throws in a hint of Scottish, before re-grouping with an 'it's grand' rapidly followed by 'aw blast!'

The movie is thrown a lifeline courtesy of vivacious, voluptuous Diana Dors, who gives a sizzling performance leaving the two leading men entirely smitten. Without wanting to be hard on Baker and Morgan, the ensuing rivalry reduces them to drooling, blubbering, putty in her hands jellified wrecks and it is she who femme fatally (Has anyone turned femme fatale into an adverb before?)....femme fatally germinates the idea of a robbery.

It's certainly no 'Brighton Rock', but at least Dors' screen presence makes 'Tread Softly' worth a look.....No, make that a jaw dropping stare!