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The Substance (2024)
Miles of hallways + miles of creepy dudes smiles + Toxic Avenger wee= good time
The slog thru production cards is getting ridiculous. Seriously, we had to see Mobi or whoever multiple times before the movie even started. It's kind of amazing I ended up having such a positive mindset when this is how the movie started. It's not as bad as Late Night with the Devil, that was overwhelming self...umm...pleasing. Most of those idiots didn't do anything real anyway and most definitely won't care about them anymore after seeing so many. It's a horrible trend that really needs to be neutered. I miss old IFC films. It had a quick little animation and some catchy music, the after dark for the horror films was like a direct switch to my brain that let my body know we were about to see an amazing horror film. Less is more.
Take ones part serum from Reanimator, take one part Call On Me music video, take one part Sloth origin story (which I totally didn't see coming), sprinkle in a wicked witch from Disney, and add a handful of nudity and what do you have? A movie that is full of sounds to make you uncomfortable. Ooof. Seeing people rate it a 6 reminds me of every time I look at reviews to get an idea of how the movie was received. It's clear people haven't seen enough movies, they really just don't understand quality cinema.
I watch the Terrifier series for a fun time, I am not one to shy away from graphic. I will watch most anything, hence why I have thousands of movies owned and even more watched. I also watch MST3K and RiffTrax, so I know bad films. This movie was so far from average or bad. Any movie that can really reach out and make you squirm or just FEEL, is doing something right. Too much is sanitized, made for everyone, pleasing nobody style movies, are released anymore. It's exhausting when most new releases are just remakes or reboots done in an incredibly inferior way. I am a child of the 80's, I know low budget and I have seen what low budget can do with heart. This is NOT a low budget affair. This is...art. Pretentious as it can sound, it really is.
I always remember hearing "youth is wasted on the young" "enjoy it while you can, you grow up too fast" etc... We never listen because we can't know. We don't really have a frame of reference to what they could mean. We do go about our lives trying to enjoy them and as we get older time moves so much faster. Before you know it you have more behind you than you got in front of you.
This movie really tackles the existentialism that is life and our time here. I heard it was body horror, I heard it compared to Society, and I can see that. It is moist. Watching it for the first time I remember watching When Evil Lurks the first time. I had a real bad existential trip watching that, a little too many magical little friends were taken prior and waaaaaaaaay too many horror movies put me in a bad frame of mind, but I still remember the feeling of how something can just make you feel... dirty. It is one of those times you get a funny feeling, and I don't mean like climbing the rope in gym class funny.
It isn't graphic for the sake of it, at least not really. The stuff you see, the sounds you hear, all engineered to have maximum effect. I was already... feeling it two seconds into the movie and there are so many sound effects for a needle to be poking an egg. I guess it is a good litmus test to see how exactly the rest of the movie will make you feel. If you already feel the moistness that early, you are going to be feeling it heavy later. I loved it. I love a movie that makes you feel. Too many movies come out and you can watch it and take nothing away. It is just forgetful because there isn't heart or meaning behind it, making it just another soulless cash grab. Which is fitting seeing as how this movie shows the greed side of things.
I think I can say it now that I'm deeper in and it won't make me sound skeevy; GD Demi is wow. It feels like I've been seeing her movies since I was a child. Granted there were maybe more seen whilst I was a teenager... Could be why I always was curious what she was doing next. I still feel sad about how her and Bruno divorced. Anyway, holy moly she is gorgeous. It's also amazing how at the beginning she looks like she hasn't aged much since the movies of the 90's. I was in shock. I know she has always looked good, but even still, in this, she was truly a captivating beauty. But as the shots changes and mere minutes go by and you start to see more and more the effects of time. You can catch a wrinkle here or there, things were done to highlight age. It is amazing and incredibly subtle. Of course her acting is really powerful. It added so much weight to the movie and made it feel so real.
That is the movie really. A very real look at time and age, and the unfair double standards when you want to be famous and a woman. Dennis Quiad, to me, has always had this kind of... meh, quality about him. I haven't really ever thought he was that special. At least his brother was memorable for good reasons before it was clear how crazy he is. In this film tho, you can't help but feel like you need a shower every time you see Dennis. I feel the most squeamish part for me, was watching him eat lunch. I was trying to eat a coney dog and I lost my damn appetite. Once again, the sound effects were so on point. It is shot to really showcase that not only is he a sleazy guy, he's just overly gross. The super zoom of his nasty yellow teeth as he's smoking, or feeling like you're standing in front of him and he is taking a wee between your legs, I legit am about to go take a shower. Just all kinds of off putting, but I love the director for doing it. I really couldn't help but feel "off" the entire film.
I expected things to go a little longer than they did before the citing incident that always kicks off movies like this. Apparently this movie didn't want to waste time showing a gradual change. Nope. Things started to get less than good real fast. I swear, she couldn't even follow the rules a week! You can really feel the struggle between the two halves. Things of course crank to 11 as you near the climax. I don't get how people can hate the ending. I guess the tone shifts slightly, but really it shouldn't be a surprise that it was going that way when you see how the story is built and flowing. It goes from less existential battle, to this rather, monster movie finale. I for one LOVE the ending. I was laughing, much as I do when I see doing what Art does. It goes hard and gets super moist. There are a couple of great homage moments at the climax, between musical score choices and cinematography choices. Just absolutely fantastic.
First I have to say, we spent so much time going down these long hallways, I felt like a 757 could have landed in the space we traveled. There was like, miles of long corridor shots. Of course one of those corridors has The Shinning style color scheme and carpet. There are definitely real homages in this film. I loved the carpet and will always think about The Overlook when I see something like that; and I feel the director had to know that we would make that jump. I feel like that was the "Chekov's gun" moment. Chekov's carpet, as it were. There was going to be blood. You can't have that carpet and not have a Gallagher style squirt-fest. It did not disappoint, and I even love how near the end of the credits it talked about the people that got hosed down by fake blood. So awesome. Just like the final seconds of the film leading up to the last shot. I couldn't help but laugh because of the absurdity of it, and just how good it was. It was exactly the ending I expected, even if I didn't know how to put the pieces together early on.
When they say it is worth the praise, I whole heartedly agree. I feel like this movie made me way more uncomfortable than Art did weeks ago. I'm still sad about that movie feeling neutered compared to the others. This movie did not disappoint. Tho, I am now going to be stuck with the "Call on Me" music video playing in my head for a while. I also feel like that has to be on purpose, not that many would know the video anymore. I always loved the song and it took me some time before I finally saw it. Of course you can't help but laugh at the absolute absurdity of the music video, so I feel it all comes around together perfectly. It also showcases the rather predatory practices used to oggle women. Overly sexualized is the way they refer to it anymore I guess. I wouldn't say that, I think it was very tongue and cheek and another time when people weren't exactly looking to be offended all the time, but I also don't feel the need to be a creep leering at ladies, like you see men act in this film. I can't understand how dudes can be that clueless and push that hard, and yet I know that had to be pretty tame compared to what so many go thru so often. Lol, I end up feeling super second hand embarrassed seeing such idiotic, clueless behavior. Ew for creepy dudes.
Also, I feel like I have to point out, man the young version has such horrible taste in guys. All the dudes in this movie were chuds, man. Serious oof factor. It is an interesting effect now that I think about the moments in the film when you see the crusty dudes droolling all over themselves leering at women. The camera putting you in her point of view, I think, was a super powerful tool. It is not a good feeling to be looking at stuff like that. There was no chance I had any same sex feelings in me, this movie made it even more radicalized. Going to be waking up in cold sweats feeling those crusty old white guys leering. I really need that shower now.
El hoyo 2 (2024)
When your sequel ruins your original
So the first movie, wow. That was amazing. Then I saw the big Netflix sticker blasted on the box and of course the opening Netflix sound. When they push that hard to let you know it's theirs, it's going to be bad. Just facts.
So it's a sequel, yet they did that so you don't see the "big twist" where the old man shoes up? I guess we are supposed to surmise that every "generation" has their figure that people rally behind. Rules are there to help everyone, and that the ends justify the means... But why follow rules that want to hurt you just to make a point? Seems like a lose lose situation.
Then of course the movie has to copy exactly how the first one ended because it was an interesting ending. It's basically the same thing, except you have the implausibility machine 9000 to really make it absurd. So we are to understand that a group of, say 8 rubber people are wearing scuba gear, they move about in 0 g, not so much water, because main lady doesn't drown. But the gas is being pumped in to keep all the people asleep for moving.
How are 8 people going to spend 8 hours moving 333 levels of people in and pieces out? Also cleaning, fixing, replacing, plumbing etc... All these things they have to do and they have a short time to do it. But then suddenly the last person is a mid, supposedly picked from the playground.
Now, I feel the playground analogy is how when there are too many kids, not everyone gets a fair ride on the slide. Those that bully their way to the top obviously get to do what they want. That tracks with the world and logic proposed inside the series. It's all supposed to be allegorical, but is way too on the nose all the time.
But that was just a dream, but the kid still came out of nowhere then and just happened to be on the bottom floor again? And is the kids skin color indicative of why he was chosen and put in there not his class mates? It's like, how much are they trying to justify and sum up in their wrap up? So she goes to the bottom and we get answers about the sewer people that were there? Or how the VERY tenuous link between the two main characters... She put up some art, someone was a bad parent. Not really her fault, and why did the guy in the last movie basically live the life of a bachelor if they were something?
It was clearly all Netflix desperate for something to justify their ever increasing sub price. Funny how they pride themselves on these two films, and they are the exact type of garbage they are lambasting. Of course they are too dense to see, and probably don't even watch most anything on the service they work for.
The movie forgets about the food and suddenly people are riding up and down willy nilly. Like seriously. It's just the wild west anyone can do whatever, except keep scraps of food on the ground or in your pocket. Where were the cameras and who is watching each floor and being that attentive to catch even the smallest fragment of food.
There are holes the more you look, and the sequel just makes them big enough to drive a tour bus thru, and didn't give us anything new or interesting to think about. It really was a waste of time and makes the og worse just by existing.
La mesita del comedor (2022)
My dinner with Jesus
I laughed a lot while watching this. The absurdity and pure stones it takes to write something like this. I kept hearing about how messed up it was and I put the pieces together really quick. It also had me cheering for the culmination of everything hitting the crescendo.
All coffee tables go to heaven. Clumsy fathers not so much. I really wanna know why everyone wants to do the no pants dance with Jesus tho. Seriously, every interaction, be it man if woman, with the possible exception of his brother (I'm not totally certain, they could have some smoldering going on) everyone wants this guy. We see it in all the interactions after the 20 minute mark.
It's a shame the two main characters of the movie only make it 20 minutes before it all goes to pieces. You just sit there wondering, "how long can this dude keep this up?" He is not quitter. My dude hung in there until the last possible second.
I guess parents have this thing where they feel it's a super power to not be able to sit thru stuff like this. "You don't have a child so you don't know!"
I'm with Jesus tho when he breaks it down about his brother knocking up some 18 year old. You had sexy times. Do you want a trophy? Can I interest you in a table that looks like it was taken out of my nightclub in GTA Online?
Shrunken Heads (1994)
Wrap your mouth around my wizzo
Wow. Wow. I like messed up movies. I always seek out stuff that is dark and makes you go "wtf" frequently. I don't remember ever hearing about this movie in 94. I would have been 11. I know we had some dark and more mature themed things back then, and yet there was this movie.
I want to know how they convinced the parents of the kids it would be ok to do this movie. "So they are going to be kids in the 1950-90s. They will hang out reading comics while these thugs ripped from West Side Story commit your general hijinks. Then, we got this guy who is trying to channel a dead Brando, even tho he wasn't dead at the time. Oh, and this guy is really a woman. Now, the kids decide they aren't going to victims anymore so the cross dressing Great Value Brando tells the greasers to gun down the kids. Now, this whole movie looks like a straight to TV afterschool special, but starts dropping a surprising amount of F bombs, because we want this kids to appear real and genuine.
Next we are going to have this creepy old Haitian decide to cut the kids heads off and reanimate them.
Wait what's that? You're calling the police? This is really twisted and you wonder what I have hidden in my basement?"
Seriously. Then we have this guy pressuring a 16 year old girl for sex, and when that doesn't happen he wishes she gets run over. It is like a Tales from the crypt but made to be shown after Goosebumps week days at 4pm.
It is a baffling creation I'm happy to have randomly come across. It sure is bold, but very odd.
Dead by Dawn (2020)
What a joke
Incredibly wooden people that someone told they could act at some point. It really blows me away the amount of low budget films I watch, and the "actors" clearly never even did the drama department or musicals.
Everyone is just supposed to be able tired cliche archetype. Painfully boring.
Then there is this scene where the bad woman named "snacks" reminds everyone that she's evil because she sings some song with lyrics that say something about coming in someone. We next have a painful exposition bump where we see the suicidal dude let his daughter use a table leg and a bunch of nails to "make an axe." The rim away red head then talks about not having much family left and that her uncle is outside and apparently he had raped her. Then we cut to the couple of the "bad guys" dry bumping outside the cabin. The creepy uncle deadpans the camera and pulls sole juvenile hand gesture.
Nothing is inspired or original. There is no discernable talent in writing, acting or shooting of said movie.
The run away red head said,deadly seriously, "they aren't zombies,they are vampires."
This isn't even a terrible movie that's fun to watch. It is just terrible and everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves.
Cop Secret (2021)
Second Gayest Action Movie Ever
After Bad Boys 2.
This movie is fantastic. I grew up on all the old action films of the 80s. Buddy cop movies were always the rage. It feels like Die Hard 3 meets Bad Boys with a bit of Face Off and Sudden Death.
The camera shots used were clear indicators of the inspiration for the film. The story made me realize how much I miss 80s action films. Hot Fuzz was amazing, but that was a while ago now.
Many would always talk about the homoerotic undertones with those macho movies, this movie just took it and brought it forefront. Watching this was like watching an AIDS filled Bruce Willis partnered up with Chris Helmsworth. I say none of these things for offense or as a derogatory. This movie was made for the love of a tike past. The troupes were there, and it almost had a Deadpool-esque air of 4th wall.
This is a funny movie from when you want to turn off your brain and just have a good time. Sometimes it's nice to see the John Woo style over the top ballet to the action.
So it's Tango and Cash by way of a little less gay Michael Bay.
Matt's Chance (2013)
Day in the life of the boy from T2 grown up.
What to say about this movie. It's not done yet, but I definitely can empathize with John Conner on his feelings. My favorite part might when I saw the Green Goblin as a private dancer. This is the second time I've seen Dafoe in drag, but this time was a lot more horrifying to be honest.
Sure watching him suck face in Boondock Saints was very jarring, but seeing a 65 year old Lois Lane doing a show for the future of mankind, I now see why Skynet won. I don't think I'll be able to do anything adult related for a while. This is some stuff that will last a lifetime. Then again my mutant ability is to repress horrible memories. Need to go smoke a foot long joint to bury this.
This is as far as I am in the movie and I can't imagine needing to say more to sell this film to people. What a trip.
Fast X (2023)
I just graduated high school when the first F&F came out
I was there on one of my first dates. Life was amazing and I don't think I have ever been as happy. This series aged like my love life. That's to say everyone is faking it and nobody has any interest in being there.
The series has jumped the shark so much I legitimately feel like they have cloned Paul Walker and they are waiting to bring him back for the final film. I most assuredly didn't expect both Aquaman to team up in anything ever.
So we got Groot trying to beat the snot out of Aquaman, all the while the first Aquaman and Captain Marvel watch. Peacemaker is off dking around playing babysitter. Suddenly from out of left fueled Wonder Woman shows up to help shut the second Aquaman up.
That's just my take away. Aquaman thinks he's a Bond villain straight outta Gotham. The final song sounds like a knock off of one of Daniel Craig's opening themes.
The main take away we are supposed to have us to have faith. Faith in what? I can't even f$(+ing believe in science or physics. I can have faith these movies will get worse. There will be at least one bbq family meal and someone who was supposed to be dead comes back. Everyone looks like they are as tired of this ish as everyone else. Second Aquaman was the only one having a good time. He was literally the only part I enjoyed because I love Jason. I also love Alan a lot so the two Aquaman are what kept me watching to the end. I started writing this when Black Adam showed up to drop a sum beach and listen to the knock off Bond theme. I finished writing this and the credits aren't even over. Must be all the digital effects people, because this stuff looks like someone gave a 10 year old a bunch of blow and we have Marvel meets DC by way of Rocket League. Oof.
Berberian Sound Studio (2012)
How to tell if you'll like a movie or write an angry review
This is a movie that isn't just some run of the mill horror. It has depth that many wokt fiid appealing. You have to have gone thru some stuff in life and had some years in you to really appreciate films like this. It also helps if you are interested in the magic that is making movies.
The movie can be hard to sell to others. It is out there and I can see how sole could call it pretentious. It isn't. It is a really well thought out film that does things differently. That's why these smaller studio films really provide a dividing line for what some would consider horror.
You have the main guy living a pretty normal life. He gets hired to fill a horror movie. This right there is a no no because the director refuses to hear anyone call his film that. You know when a director says some stuff like that you don't need to listen to anything else they got to say.
This is about real life and real horror. Our dude gets hired by some big name director and it seems like an honor. It's a way to elevate yourself to a higher standing. But immediately you can tell things are not going to go well. The constant battle to get reimbursed for his flight to come out is the kind of thing many people have had to go thru. It's all "I don't care if you don't like my view, you're supposed to be a professional so do your job." Then shortly there after when it comes to being paid like a professional it's all "I thought you were doing this for the love of the project! Be a real artist!" This is the same tool belt that wants to pay you in experience.
So our dude goes from doing National Geographic style projects, to a pretty extreme sounding horror film. You don't see anything happen, but you get to see the old days style sound fx being done. You see someone trying to do their job while constantly being talked down to, dismissed, and just all around poorly treated. Once again many know these feelings.
The film inside this movie is about the evils of witches and how they took over people. Really it's just an alagory for how personal boundaries are so important, but many of us we're forced to just accept being treated bad to make others not feel poorly for being butt pipes. That's why I said people that are a bit older would appreciate it because this was our way of life for so long.
Being forced to endure horrible working conditions, not being paid properly but still trying to do what you are supposed to do. Don't rock the boat. Well that changes a person. That's what this movie is about.
Day of Disappearance (2022)
Asthmatic Austic Goes to Camp
So I say spoilers, but that's imply there was a story here to be ruined by sharing of details. Fear not, hopefully you won't decide to watch this and save yourself the strain of eye rolling.
So a rich kid spends the first half of the movie constantly stuffing his face with loud food. He's watched some superior films in his life and makes notes of them. It's too be that didn't rub off in anyway other than a few random quotes.
My dude is flying to Hawaii at the start. Apparently he is going to college there. I find the ability to suspend my disbelief broken upon this premise. I don't believe he even got a GED. "Story" structure would show adequate proof of my claim. The whole thing plays out like an advertisement to a channel you'd dare someone you hated to watch.
In order for these folks to work you got to have a protagonist you care for; at the very least you don't want him annoying. Welp that's not happening at all. My dude wears these blue light blocking glasses as his "glasses" so you know when he is him, later in the film. I have a pair l, so I recognized them when they are constantly showing a mirror image.
He makes a vlog for his granny in Arizona. I guess there are people out there that's watch stuff like that. If you or someone you love watch annoying streamers or anyone on YouTube then you know the type of character you would be dealing with. It's like a special needs school of the Internet in so far as a bunch of mentally retaded people threaten and spell incorrectly with impunity, all the while needing much more schooling to make it in the world.
Random crazy stuff happens, in so far as a shadow and some random noises happen. Maybe if people locked their damn doors they wouldn't have all kinds of whatnot. Apparently there are microscopic life forms buried in rocks that can appear in the form of the main monster from my childhood book "Where the Wild Things Are."
He's a kid who is years late going to college but randomly drops made coin ti randomly buy a new iPhone. This is on top of this giant house he's living at in Hawaii. Got lots of expensive Apple toys. So Apple and YouTube are basically paid sponsors for the content of this film. Which is to say morally and thematically empty.
You want found footage door right, this movie felt like 4 hours. I watched The Blackwell Ghost movies 1-5 and only stopped to sleep because it was 9am. There's people you want to see and make a compelling narrative. Then there are the mouth breathers who spend the second half of the movie sounding like they just ran 40 miles uphill both ways with cars strapped to his legs. This is his "scared" acting heavy, heavy, heavy breathing. I'm not in shape and yet I can go more than half a foot without sounding like my lungs are in danger of imploding.
It's bad, man.
Infinity Pool (2023)
Trippy is a good word for it
People sitting there calling this the worst movie ever, stop it. If thusbisnthr worst thing you've seen, you haven't watched anything. It's not the best either. It's not exactly new or trying boldly go where no movie has gone before.
I imagine it has to be really rough trying to make a name for yourself when you got a dad that is as prolific as our dude here. Sure he learned a lot from his dad, but he wants to do his own thing. Who doesn't want to be outside if someone's shadow?
I don't get people wanting everything handed to them. Movies, especially artistic pictures, the real art that is cinema, has something to say. The director and writer got their ideas, and yet we as viewers are bringing our own baggage in with us. That's why movies can be so subjective. Not everyone likes peanut butter with their chocolate.
When this film came out, I feel that we as the majority, are tired of the state of affairs. The entitled people with money that can get away with things just because they have the money to make it go away. Not really a way to stop people from doing something if there is no real penalty. The rich waste stupid amounts on privilege, and that means everything that goes with it.
This movie just shows us a natural progression of how our ego can be manipulated when we feel so starved for recognition. How easy of a target we all are if someone is paying attention and wants to take advantage of you. Everyone has something that can get to them, we are all weak in our own ways.
This movie looks at someone who is basically an outsider, a normal dude who married into money, and he can't help but wonder if he is a sell out or hack. Did he get to where he is because of who he knew? That is always the case. Then you have the rich folk at this resort. They are all dead inside, because you have to be to be rich. Taking advantage of people and treating them horrible would bother normal folk.
The rich are always looking for the next bug adventure. The next taboo thing they can get away with. That's what this movie is. Watching the rich just dragging their butt all over anyone and everyone because they can pay a small fine and go back to being horrible people.
Actions have consequences. The whole trip, it's pretty trippy. You can see how easily Ike can be corrupted. Just a little here, a little bit there. What is it like to taste and experience that kind of power? Surely it's what a god would feel like. Untouchable by normal man. It's all a mediation in excess and a story as old as time.
It's really not hard to gleen meaning from a picture. You just have to pay attention to what you saw, and think about it. Most don't want to think and want to be spoon fed something, then complain when everything is alike. Brain meats need to be used my dudes.
The Cellar (2022)
The pain of horror movies
You see the ratings and they are all split down the middle. People love or hate. All films are subjective, but horror seems to divide people the most. Watching a film and being annoyed by it does a good job making you want to rate it low.
The teenage daughter couldn't get get got soon enough. This is your litmus test. If you, for some reason, think nothing is wrong with how annoying and moody she is, well you go on and enjoy the film. Clearly going to be your kind of thing. If you're like me and really just am not having that, you're in for a bad time. I remember making jokes about how bad Elisa was in 24 as a teenager. Now she's the horrible mom, but at least she's likable. These kids needed parenting, clearly. The adults were too busy trying to market Internet personalities so the kids grew up to be little monsters. Frankly at this point I'm rooting for the devil to come take everyone away and I am only 31 min exactly in.
Seems math is the evil one here folks. Don't do it. Then there is the whole thing about Elisa'w family. It seemed like they were Americans that moved across the pond. Yet. There is this shadow of an accent behind 3/4 of the family members. Can you guess who didn't have a shadow? Frankly I'm feeling like this movie is just a spicier Hallmark movie. I also am a big fan of the running commentary as we literally count down the seconds of our life slipping away. I think that was the horror all along. Not even halfway thru the movie and I found the underlying existential issue. Wow. They fooled me good. Bravo, this film is brilliant!
38 minutes in and I'm jealous of all the sleeping I keep watching them all do. It's not fair. Also, math is still the bad guy. The painting of Matthew Lillard playing a scientist is amazing. He's standing there giving everyone the finger. The only positive I've seen in these 47 minutes.
Almost an hour in and the scariest thing to happen is stairs. Tremble as they sit there, slowly being panned over. The basement also reminds me of a TARDIS. Sometimes it's really small, other times it appears huge. Whatever the plot needs, it will service.
The math PhD (who looks like the 8th Doctor} guy got to be super smart in the way a marvel character gets their powers. Only now, math is the power, and it's evil. The dark side of the math. Use the force times mass... I hit my head a few times when I was kid and I went the opposite way of this guy. Thems the breaks.
1 hour in, I feel like I'm trapped in limbo. The math and signs in everything, it's all Ike giant meditation on the pointlessness of life. We try to find meaning anywhere we can. The stuff we see we think it means something or does it mean something because we think it should?
Help us old dad Brian, you're our only hope. The big reveal of the big bad, it was a fart that blew a door open. That was funny. Then we saw limbo is accessible via basement; and you spend enternity in a DMV queue.
I leave with, "you keep on knocking but you can't come in."
Meg 2: The Trench (2023)
Vacuums take note or Call of Duty Marine life Warfare
This movie jumped the shark at least 3 times. Then the shark jumped Statham. There was a point when Statham is saying shoot me; I honestly believe Jason wanted to be killed to get out of this pile of Jurassic Sharktopuss.
This movie could teach them anything or two about sucking. I mean, you take one of the scariest natural predators, show us the peak of it's existence, and somehow make it suck mire than Jaws 3 and 4. It's like the movie is a star collapsing in upon itself and taking the one bright Statham, with it.
Jaws had us scared of the water still in the late 90s. Shark week gets everyone excited. Ik trying to say, sharks are amazing and we known what they can do. But apparently nobody decided to teach the people who wrote this movie. I read the book the first movie was based on, way back in the early 2000 around the time it was written. I can't really remember much about it, and yet it was so much better than anything this movie attempts.
You have to feel bad for Jason. The man has had a pretty amazing career of solid folks to inspire fans to rewatch. I didn't realize he was dying, completely broke, and needed the money for a life saving operation. I hope he pulls thru.
There's a point when the call he has no problem making 4 times in the first movie, suddenly he won't do it for this guy who got shoe horned into the story because nobody with sense wanted to come back. We never hear about the brother in the last film. Suddenly he is this important expositional tool. Nobody learned anything from the last movie, and I'm fact, suffered serious brain trauma because they are considerably more dumb.
Monster mash movies doit have a history of solid story. Sure most the Jaws movies are forgotten. They are still more believable than this. The first movie had us able to suspend our disbelief to a way this prehistoric creature survived. Ok, I could buy it no problem.
They decided to make something that was impossible to believe at any point. Deep Blue Seas 2 and 3 sucked too, but this? This is like that, but big budget enough to go to theaters.
The whole point of a Meg wouod be shark earring stuff. Put us in the water with it and let's go. It's clearly from the HBO parent company because most the beginning of the movie when the shark action is happening, we can see as well as that amazing battle in Game if Thrones season 8. You know the battle. It was so amazing you guys, like you've never seen anything like it. Nobody has because why show in a movie.
The stupid rat dog and idiot lady make a surprise cameo. Like that was what anyone wanted. There is a moment where someone tells another grown adult that he needs to just imagine he is doing cosplay. If you are that much of a loser, there is no way you would be part of a team going down below the trench again. Apparently we got these COD Advanced Warfare exo frame suits that make it easy to go chill in the most mythical, secluded areas in history.
Yeah, it's cool we get the giant squid, because the 80s gave us that too. Hard to get excited about it tho, when everything is shake your head stupid. So the sharks you door get to see. There's this new creature from the beginning that is some dino hybrid that can go on land and water. Doesn't look anything like anything. The things remind me of the og Yoshi in the crapfest Mario movie from my childhood. I still believed that was more realistic than these small plot devices. We have 3 megs we barely get to see, but let's be scared of these water raptors.
All the conflict in the movie is human on human. Yes we know, humans suck. Given every opportunity to be horrible, they will be. So let's focus on that, even in the face of absolute impossible to believe situations. People die but you can't see how it even know who it is. It's ok, they weren't likeable anyway the crew is full of people you'd be fine seeing eaten. The only problem is we don't get to see it happen. Jason was apparently super angry he spent a movie fighting something he couldn't actually fight. Now he has to remind people he was in talks to be Bond before, but that ship is forgotten, and lost in the triangle. I like marital arts and love those movies. I don't want a shark movie to see Statham try to be 00 Green-peace.
My head hurts from eyes rolling.
Billions: Cold Storage (2022)
I gave you much credit
To preface, I watched seaisks 1-5 and didn't do other things. The cast was mostly just amazing. I liked Taylor for a min, but their betrayal of Bobby, I can't stand people who are disloyal. I know it's for the sake of story and such, but there is nothing serving the story.
Everyone is rude or die with Axe and suddenly an episode into season 6 he has them all on their back begging for scratches. You get this half arsed rich people are bad plot points that they just keep doubling down on. I'm the beginning is was interesting and unique. Easy to vote for Axe because he didn't do anything really wrong. You have the oetty official type that comes from all kinds of wealth and influence, then gets the mother of all Peter's North style plot erections. Chuck at least used to be interesting and when he was on the same side as Axe is should have been better and longer.
Nope. Showtime decided to keep taking their plot points from memes and rich people are bad and it's ok to break the law in an endless pursuit of injustice. Yes the rich suck, we get it. Of course there is the old adage about be careful hunting a monster lest ye become one yourself. Chuck is a shoddy cheap imitation of a character anymore.
So this last season was busy with interspecies erotica. It was not good. That's been said plenty. I thought they'd at least have a smart season finale. I figured the drives and everything were a setup to put Chuck away for good so Mike had a straight shot. I mean, that's the only reason to have him get away with such ludicrous things that made no sense, and yet cracks the code (obviously) in the last try. So Mike would. Have been out a whole 150 million. Cheap for a future to take the White House and move on with his plan. It was all going to be elaborate f u to Chuck. Maybe compromising photos from his old BDSM days, planted child stuff. I even figured he could have had them all sealed up with a pin but we're still empty.
Nope. He apparently flushed 3 billion to make a point that didn't matter. The writers aren't as smart as they think they are. Home boy is rolling 16 billion+ deep of just what they can show. That money doesn't mean anything. Sure there's the ego thing, but the real baller big brain move is only sacrificing what you need. The 150 million would have been sufficient and smart. Nope. Blows all that money and has a moment of weakness in front of cameras. Because that's the first government building he's been in and he doesn't understand how the world works. Nope. He has to appear weak caressing the wall like it was some Thailand ladyboy. The whole thing is utterly empty of any meaningful or worthwhile stories. Nothing memorable. Lame rinse and repeat of tired memes and overused references.
I've grown up watching movies and tv, listening to music, reading comics. I always loved being able to pick out a smart homage. A sly tip of the hat, as it were. The abuse of pop culture references and and non sequiturs has made it so I never want to references anything I've watched before, because I don't think the world needs more of that hack garbage out there. Showtime has always been the little fish of prison, when you look at the other names. There's a reason they have no real worthwhile claim to fame and they got to keep ripping from HBO.
The Innkeepers (2011)
On paper, it should be better
The style of TI is definitely one of homages. There areittle easter eggs hidden all over. You got the obvious Ghostbusters piano key jingling like how Peter was going thru Dana's apartment. You get that tight tracking shot. There is a garage/basement/cellar combo that had a Campbell wooden name plate with a double barrel sitting on a table in front of the old cellar doors, complete with chain. The shots brought you back to Evil Dead 2.
It's clear the man loves the movies I love. There were a couple real stomach gripping moments, but the over swell of the orchestra makes it more flinch inducing to get a sharp sting to help with the jump scare. It's a shame because those moments could have been so much creepier. The ghosts are legit creepy, I definitely felt a It Follows, for all of 30 seconds we see them in the movie.
That's my biggest gripe. I love establishing character, backstory, and setting; but this feels like an old person Sunday drive. When the snow burn burns itself out multiple times, it's a definite problem. He does some great work establishing moments that were just aching to be exploited to be better and scary. Instead we get lame humor deflating the mood, or the effective moment is a "blink and you'll miss it" event that just leaves you feeling cheated.
I've seen many of his films at this point and I know he gets a lot of praise for what he does. The nostalgia thing works for Kevin Smith, until it didn't. We've been thru all that before and it doesn't feel like he expands upon it. I got blue brains over here because it got me all excited and edged me forever then just left. I didn't use the more accurate name as I'm sure some pointless rule would have flagged it.
That's really the thesis statement for TI West. He is the king of blue brains. He'll get you whipped into a frenzy, but doesn't know how to keep you interested, or finish you off. Really don't get the whole denial thing. There are plenty of movies that don't spell out everything, yet they still live on as being an amazing film. He is like an Apple horror movie guy. People love him because people love him.
Tetsuo (1989)
This Japanese Iron Man origin is pretty flocking weird
I just want to use this movie as an example of why we should never use nuclear weapons against anyone ever again. WW2 really did some stuff they are still working out. Nukes man, not even once.
I feel the need for a shower and I'm not at the end yet. This is a film. That's really all I can think to say based on what I've seen. It's random, it's gooey, there is definitely high levels of moistness and giant drill doink.
If you ever wanted to really trip out, drop some acid and question life choices, this would be the best movie for it. I only got thc in me and I feel like I'm under qualified to be here.
"Suck me sewage pipe." That is definitely going into the rotation for the ways I tell people to tongue punch my chocolate cherry.
Eat Me (2018)
I'm a necrophiliac, but you want cheese puffs
This has to be said before all else; the entire movie when I was looking at Tommy, all I kept seeing was Dee from "It's Always Sunny." That made the whole movie kind of hit in a weird way. I think it really helped with the black humor that was sprinkled throughout tho.
So I'm seeing Sweet Dee and I think "The Gang Find Dee Dead." I laughed and watched as the movie starts out slow. The pacing and the structure of it... It starts with just her laying in bed forever. Spontaneously she gets up and starts grabbing dirty laundry and her suitcase. I thought, she can't be packing to do laundry, she must want she must want to take a trip without ever leaving home, and sleep in the suitcase. Sure enough ... That's when I knew there was going to be some real wtf stuff going on.
This isn't so much a horror film in the way Freddy, Jason or Michael; I feel the darkness and black humor does feel like it is up Art the clowns alley though. M Night used to be able to make good twists, and he could never have dreamt up half the surprises in store for the viewers. This movie will hit you where you least expect it, and I love it. Some of it hit close to home, some of it me made me glad I don't leave me doors unlocked, ever.
If you have your expectations set for it to not be some crazy horror setup, and more in the vein of an emotional rollercoaster, you'll have a memorable time. I defy people to not want to talk about it after watching.
Bloody Hell (2020)
Because they're Finnish
I wanted to watch a horror movie, and I don't know what grabbed me about this movie. I only looked at the box art and saw the rating. It was at a 6.6,and I believe if a horror/thriller on here gets at least a 5,it is going to be pretty good. Horror tends to really split people.
This is horror but the same way Evil Dead 2 is horror. It has some horror themes, but it also has such amazing humor. Black humor is just the best thing ever, and the delivery of lines in this film, just an absolute amazing time. I am glad I didn't know anything going in.
I saw lots of people comment how they didn't see things coming or it was shocking. I definitely agree with that because I didn't see many things coming. The story telling is a little unconventional, but I like when they do it right. That is opposed to a some directors lately that have been trying to do the whole disjointed thing because it's what all the cool directors are doing.
This is an incredibly unique and wild ride. It really was so much fun from start to Finnish.
Ghosted (2023)
When you're not even 10 seconds in
And there is shameless product placement for an iPhone, I think it can only go to show what you can expect. It has done little to change my opinion on how empty, soulless, and tone def apple is. It seems for the most part they only care about exporting empty cash grabs with zero thought to how actual people feel or what they want.
I've loved Chris Evans since the day Not Another Teen Movie came out. I even remember when a movie about someone trapped and only had one phone call and they randomly get him, so he has to help. That movie was a joke and yet I'd rather go and watch that again.
This is the one time I didn't look at the imdb rating or reviews. That is clearly my fault. I was an idiot. I saw Chris and I've enjoyed so many things I've seen him in, I thought this had to be at least a little interesting.
This is an empty movie. The action is the least believable thing I've seen in regards to action set pieces. 9/10 films that are released are just soulless, derivative remakes or sequels. I thought it was bad a decade ago, they've since taken to digging lower.
Chris channeling his inner Jerry Lewis just makes me sad. It seems the only way they can make "new" properties is to change out the main character of past films with a woman. That's not original, creative, or even worthwhile. Frankly it just goes to continue making a point about how Hollywood can't create interesting female characters. They steal stuff from male characters who already did it, and think they can just pivot it and it will work. So tone def. They don't care about actually creating worthwhile, memorable characters. Say what you will about all the action films of the 80s and 90s,at least they were memorable and interesting.
The music, who the hell decided on all that random garbage that didn't fit any of the scenes? They literally went to what they had rights to and plugged it in to whatever scene. No thought went into the fit. Nothing is organic.
I'm increasingly sad about how empty movies and shows are. Zero creativity, zero originality, zero lasting appeal. I literally own over 3000 digital films, hundreds of seasons of tv shows. There used to be an art to creating stories to entertain and endear. Now it's just a spreadsheet. What big names can they throw money at, so it appears likes they actually created something worth watching? Can't create anything new because they have to worry about their investment and not losing money. Funny, that's exactly what has proved useless forever. You have to take risks to get rewards. They want to play safe and continue to defecate the same stuff over and over.
Multiplicity - "You know what happens when you make a copy of a copy? It's not as sharp as the original." That is the movie and tv industry.
Sono otoko, kyôbô ni tsuki (1989)
The Walking Fist
I remember watching Clerks 2, and Randall talks about how the lord of the rings movies, and how it was a lot of walking. I guess that means Mr Bad Taste Jackson watched this movie for inspiration.
It's like the film equivalent of watching a marathon. I feel like we were sponsoring him for a walk-a-thon, the donations went to the people he maims once he catches up to them.
I can't really fault his detective style; if I spent hours walking around an island in dress shoes, the people I run into on the other end are gonna get whooped. This man does his cardio! To have that kind of energy for a good old fashion waffle stomp on someone's face, after you walk a 25 mile walk about, is just crazy. I feel like I got this week's steps done watching this.
I love the man, he can even make wandering interesting enough that I want to see what happens.
Moebiuseu (2013)
Coming of age tail
I think it is not only incredibly brave to make a film with no dialog, but to tell the story of a boy and his dad learning to live without mom; it is the most unique film I've seen since the laugh riot Serbian Film.
How far would you go to help your kid find a little happenis? Can you find it in your heart to forgive a family member who had hurt you in a fairly personal way? These are profound questions we must investigate for ourselves.
I also think it is safe to ask how close is too close, when it comes to family. It also helped me learn how I should structure my own interpersonal boundaries within relationships.
I think there is a lot for the whole family to talk about after this one. Take some Sunday afternoon time for bonding and reflection.
Dachra (2018)
The haunting theme played throughout really added to the atmosphere
I didn't know anything going in, and I'm not even sure I know anything coming out. To me it seemed like a unique take on Dracula. You got the beast that needs the blood of the young, you got this whole supernatural vibe and whatnot at times. You have the sister wives of the Redfield having bbqs all the time. Only instead of small lives of flies, he eats leftovers or whatever spare parts that can be scavanged.
You got the key figure in the looney bin that sets things in motion. Of course you got your standard protagonist twist. This isn't said to deminish the film. It was a fun fun, and had some moments that definitely felt creepy.
My early thoughts were "well this makes it official. Everywhere in the world has a crazy hillbilly population scaring folk. I was admittedly waiting for someone to make the threat of making someone squeal... It was creepy and off putting; but the weird camera style used to frame certain shots was a bit too much.
You have the exaggerated camera flip while the protagonist screams in realization. Then you got these shots of the old man and you are so close to. His face, I feel like I should have bought him dinner first. I get it's a stylistic thing, and I can make jokes now that I look back, but the telling of the story was still a pretty interesting ride.
Just because we've seen it all before, doesn't mean we can't still enjoy the journey with other characters. At least it isn't a blatant remake of something repackaged for the hundredth time, like we keep getting. Hollywood only wants safe bets, so we look elsewhere to find good stories. It is always interesting to see what new take on an idea someone can come up with.
Family Guy: Family Cat (2021)
Fright night!
The whole dog vs cat thing is amazing. I got a cat a couple of years ago. Was never really a cat person, my parents weren't fans and we had a dog. I swear the show has gotten so much better over the last handful of seasons. Don't often have those moments where a song gets played way to annoyingly much. The character transformation of Glenn is... Interesting. I miss the old Glenn, the cat side is somehow a fitting evolution, but not as funny as classic Q. Great to see Meg getting more time.
As soon as the cat turned in the radio I recognized the song. I was thinking there was no way they were going to do that. Seems most people forgot about Fright Night, and most younger folk who'd watch this would have a slim chance of knowing it. The dance and everything was so amazing. Great homage moment.
Family Guy: Trump Guy (2019)
Why are we so dang divided?!
This show once again does what it does best, it uses facts because they are far more disturbing than any joke they could have come up with. This is what they have always done. You can tell the people that rate it low have a very particular mindset. They will hate on all the episodes that shine a light on real things. It's easier to be intolerant and in denial when they somehow can do mental gymnastics and find their way to the high ground. The people rating it low are the ones who failed to see reality for four years. They think anyone who says otherwise is against them and part of the problem. They are the same ones who did treasonous acts because they didn't want to be the losers. People really put on blinders because it's easier to keep living in some faded memory that was never that great to start with.
This show does what it always does best, the only difference is now they've had to not pull punches. When reality is more absurd than situational comedy, you got to do something. We laugh so the rest of the world doesn't see us cry. Not too surprising the rest of the world doesn't have a high opinion of us when we always try to make ourselves seem like the hero. Our country has had a real way of letting the "winners" write the history books. We end up so poorly educated compared to the rest of the world, as our country clings to mediocrity. The show shows real things in such a way that most just don't want to see. I've opened my eyes some years ago, and it sucks, but it makes me appreciate seeing others who have witnessed the absurdity.
Bull (2021)
Every now and then you need a good revenge film
This one ticks all the boxes. Story told in the new normal for thriller /drama/horror/comedy... The story jumps around but it isn't a pain to endure. I know my parents didn't tend to like movies when they did that. Some people just want a good easy to follow film. I think it's easy to follow, and you definitely get to feel very strong emotions about people.
So your typical "GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!" type of movie. I think it is easy to get into the head space for these types of films having lost my family. At some point or another people question just how far they would go to do something. I like seeing the boundaries of imagination stretched. Simple revenge used to be just killing someone they loved. Now we go into a whole artistically abstract story of revenge. It's fun to color outside the lines. The kills are what you look for in this movie. Is it equal to the pain they measured out first. I don't think many of the deaths are that over the top. No human centipede style action. Simple guns, knives and fair rides.
Feeling the seething hate for certain characters, (most,) it felt pretty satisfactory when the karma was dealt. Some don't like the ending, but I thought it was pretty unique. Spawn was an early favorite hero of mine when it came out.