Yo daddy is so stupid that he got locked in a grocery store and starved!
😄 😄 😄
“What’s the difference between curtains and toilet paper?”
“I don’t know.”
“So it was you!”
😄 😄 😄
Guy outside: “911! 911!”
Guy inside: “What’s going on out there? Why are you yelling 911?”
Guy outside: “Emerge and see!”
😄 😄 😄
Know what’s ironic?
A computer asking me if I’m a robot.
😄 😄 😄
I have been working from home since March of last year.
I am an Uber driver.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?
Band aides.
😄 😄 😄
A teacher told her first grade class, “A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!”
A little girl gasped, “How about the married ones?”
😄 😄 😄
As a child, a lot of kids would shove things up their noses.
Did you use a bowling ball that they never got out again?
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My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.
😄 😄 😄
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game?
No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
😄 😄 😄
My colleagues took April Fools’ Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office, and they’re all still hiding from me.
😄 😄 😄
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes.
Or sew it seams.
😄 😄 😄
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he’ll bellowulf at you, then he’ll shakespeare.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Messi never get locked out of his house?
Because he always has a key-pass.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born.
😄 😄 😄
In 1973, my dad left to get ice cream and never came back.
Mom says he’s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cereal.”
“Cereal, who?”
“Cereal-ously ready for breakfast!”
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.
😄 😄 😄
Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman.
One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin.
Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he’d hide his treasure in the kingdom’s Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.
Months later, he finds that his pockets have run dry and desperately needs money for food.
Suddenly, he remembers the gold coin he hid and takes off towards the kingdom’s Northern wall in the blazing summer heat.
On his long run towards his hiding place, he passes the royal palace, where the king is relaxing idly on the balcony.
The king spots him and tells his guards, “This man should not be running in such heat. Fetch him for me, I want to learn of his purpose.”
The fisherman is brought before the king and explains what he is doing.
“No one should have to run in such heat. Here, take a gold coin and return home,” states the king.
The fisherman replies, “Thank you, but I would like to get the coin in the wall that I have earned, it means a lot to me.”
The king then offers two coins but gets the same response.
Perplexed at this man’s determination, he steadily raises his offer but to no avail.
Eventually, the king gets frustrated and cries out, “I will give you half my kingdom if you give up on this coin!”
The fisherman thinks for a minute and finally agrees.
The king, finally satisfied, leaves.
At the fisherman’s coronation ceremony days later, the king finally says, “It is time for you to receive half of this kingdom. What half of the kingdom do you desire?”
The fisherman replies, “The northern half.”
😄 😄 😄