By now, it’s nearly impossible to find an individual who hasn’t seen any of the Lord of the

Rings movies, read the books, or at the very least has some familiarity with the concept
and/or characters. However, what you may not know is that Middle Earth really does exist
and Frodo Baggins is a complete idiot.

We have no doubt that most of you will be eager to explore the secrets of Rivendale, the
charm of The Shire, and the glory of Gondor, but will you give no thought to Mordor? Yes,
that’s right! You too can visit the fiery splendor that is Mordor provided you’re capable of
walking without assistance over an extended period of time and great distance, under the
age of 70, not pregnant and/or suffering from any heart conditions! The consistent black
smoke of the region does prompt the Mordor Embassy to advise those with asthma and/or
small children to avoid the excursion, but it’s not prohibited. In addition, you should
journey to Mordor without following in the steps of Frodo since he clearly is the King of
Poor Decisions. Below, we have detailed all of the information you’ll need to know before
beginning your trip to Mordor.

1. A tour guide is strongly encouraged, especially if it’s your first time experiencing
what Middle Earth has to offer. However, before hiring a guide, please do your
research. Frodo allowed a deranged, schizophrenic, and mutated hobbit to assist him
in his journey and look how that ended up. Not only did that nut job try to kill him
by leading him into Shelob’s Lair, but he also bit Frodo’s finger off. What the hell
kind of tour guide does shit like that? If Frodo had only listened to reason (aka:
Samwise Gamgee), he would not have been in a predicament like that. A good rule of
thumb is that if your tour guide arrives and he/she is creepy, skulking, hardly
wearing any clothes, has big bug eyes, bad teeth, and mere wisps for hair, WALK
AWAY. He/she might be a very nice person, but the odds are good that he/she isn’t,
so why risk it?
2. While Mordor can be very exciting, like any other major city, it has its areas that
should be avoided. For example, Shelob’s Lair. In fact, unless you have an intense
spider fetish, that whole trail to the Lair through the High Pass of Cirith Ungol should
be avoided. For starters, the path takes you past Minas Morgul, the home of the
Witchking (Lord of the Nazgûl) and it’s completely terrifying. We’re trained
specialists and we want nothing to do with that place. Secondly, in order to reach
the Lair, you have to climb the face of a steep mountain using the Winding Stair, a
“staircase” that could not possibly have passed fire code (and needless to say, is not
handicapped-friendly). Is it worth it? Other locations that fall into this category are
Barad-dûr, the large black tower in the center of Mordor that houses the Eye of
Sauron, and the Dead Marshes. Barad-dûr should be self-explanatory (and if it isn’t,
you’re a moron and should not even be considering a highly intelligent trip such as
this), but we know what you’re going to say. The Dead Marshes sound super exciting
considering the history of the place, most notably, being a section of where the
Battle of Dagorlad took place (for those of you ignorant, the Battle of Daglorlad was
when the Last Alliance combated the forces of Mordor and during which Isildur cut
the Ring of Power from Sauron’s finger). Surely the marshes can’t be so bad? You just
want to take a few pictures to show the folks back at home. Trust us. This kind of
attitude is a mistake. It’s true that several battles were fought at or near this
location, making the Dead Marshes a site to be salivated over by history fanatics. The
problem lies in the fact that following the Battle of Dagorlad, no one bothered to
 clean up the carnage and as the marshland encroached upon parts of the battlefield
during the following years, the dead became engulfed by it, creating what is now
known as the Dead Marshes. You still may think that this sounds utterly fascinating
(ooooh, I’ve never seen a watery, swampy cemetery before!) and while we might
agree with you on that notion, we assure you that it’s not fascinating enough to risk
your life to see. It is said that those who become hypnotized by the dancing lights
beneath the water’s surface (Gollum referred to them as the “candles of corpses”)
and attempt to touch the bodies, drown in the water and join the dead. Not very
pleasant sounding, is it? When Gollum guided Frodo and Sam through the Dead
Marshes in the Two Towers, Frodo lollygagged (as he tended to do) and became
entranced by these lights and dead faces. Of course, because he is the King of Poor
Decisions, Frodo tried to touch one of the faces before Sam stopped him. Had he
succeeded, Frodo never would’ve made it to Mount Doom in order to destroy the
Ring of Power and we’d still have a Dark Lord running amuck. Do you see why this
might be a problem?
3. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you can’t see any of the battle location. The Dead
Marshes only encompass a small portion of the battlefield. The principle site of the
fighting was the Gorgoroth Plains. Now used as grounds for Orc revelry, it is currently
a grey wasteland. It may not be sexy, but it still holds immense historical value
without having to deal with the creepy dead lights and swampland.
4. Other sites of interest include the Black Gate, which is the main entrance to Mordor
and one of the region’s more recognizable attractions, and Mount Doom, the origin
of the Ring of Power and source of its destruction. Just a bit of advice though? Mount
Doom is a tad volatile and steamy; therefore you should be prepared with warm
weather clothing and ample amounts of SPF and able to run quickly and over long
distances at a moment’s notice.
We do hope that you enjoy your stay in Middle Earth and your visit to Mordor. Taking the
proper precautions will ensure that you’ll not only have an amazing experience, but that
you’ll survive it as well.