THE SPLEEN MONOLOGUES You are under pressure to follow trends which, the minute they
by Jessica Zafra Twistd VI become trends, are on their way to obsolescence. You are
required to eat food that is supposed to make you live longer,
I am often asked: What is your problem? Let me ask you the but which is so tasteless you wonder why people would want to
same question: What is your problem? live longer. You get tired of being called Fatty, so you follow
diets and exercise regimens to lose weight, when it is a fact of
When you look at the mirror you feel a deep, unquenchable life that you will gain all that weight back and more.
discontent because no matter what products or services you
buy, you will never, ever look the way TV commercials and You see stupidity, self-delusion, and arrogance everywhere you
magazines say you should. The cosmetics, fashion, health and turn.
fitness industries are sustained by your eternal dissatisfaction When people say "Be yourself," they mean you should be more
and the pernicious self-loathing that is called "self- like them. When they say "It's okay to be different," they neglect
improvement." to add, "But not too different."
You work for a person you do not respect, whose main And when you vent your anger, people shrug their shoulders
qualification is that he is related or somehow connected to the and say, "That's the way things are, there's nothing you can do
powers that be in your professional universe. You take orders about it."
from someone of lesser ability, who criticizes your work because
he knows that you know he doesnt deserve his position, and Between you and me, I'm the happy one.
dammit, just because he can. The promotion that should've
gone to you goes to someone whose ability to suck up to the
boss would shame the most powerful vacuum cleaner. You stay
in a job you hate, among people you can't stand, because you
have bills to pay and a lifestyle you have to maintain whether or
not you actually like it. All Because You Kissed Me Goodnight
You receive advice you don't want from people who say they by Sandy Rolstan
care about you and have your best interests at heart, but are
actually using you to delude themselves that their lives are I climbed up the door and opened the stairs,
wonderful. (They need you more than you need them, ever Said my pajamas and put on my prayers,
Then I turned off the bed and crawled into the light,
think of that? Without poor little you to give advice to, who
All because you kissed me goodnight!
would they be superior to?)
Next morning I woke up and scrambled my shoes,
You are considered a loser because you refuse to compromise Picked up my eggs and toasted the news,
your standards and settle for whoever is willing and available. I couldn’t tell my left from right,
You are called immature by people who jumped onto the first All because you kissed me goodnight!
warm body that happened along because they were afraid to be
alone. That evening at last I felt normal again,
So I picked up my mother and called the phone,
You are judged not on merits but on externals. Your clothes. I spoke to the puppy and threw Dad a bone,
Even at midnight the sun was still bright,
Your car. Your looks. Your possessions. Your address. Your
All because you kissed me goodnight!
friends, the people you claim to be your friends, the people you
think are your friends. The club you belong to. You are defined
by the furnishings in your house, the model of your car, the
version of your software, the size of your cellphone, the labels
of your clothes, the restaurants you dine in, the television
sitcoms you watch, the new spiritual philosophies you subscribe
to. "This is you," the salesperson says with a cloying smile,
holding up a product worth exactly one-fiftieth of its price, and
somewhere in the back of your mind you know that this is not
you, but you take out your credit card and bury yourself deeper
in debt because you can't afford not to buy what everyone else
is buying. Better to be in hock than to be different. There is
safety in numbers.
