THE BEAR A COMIC SKETCH IN ONE ACT 1888CHARACTERS Yeléna Ivénoyna Popéva, a widow with dimples and a large estate Grigéry Stepénovich Smirnoff, landowner, in his thirties Lulké, an elderly cervant ‘The action takes place in Popva's living room, Popéva's living room. Popéva, dressed completely in black, sits staring at a phosograph. Lukd, her old servant, tries to talk sense to her. LUKA: It’s just not right, missus. You're letting yourself fall to pieces ‘Cook and the maid have gone berry picking, every living thing is out enjoying the sunshine, even your cat, now, he’s out there try- ing to catch himself a bird, and here you sit, shut up in the house all day long, like some kind of nun. That’s'no fun, You listen to what I'm saying, now! Tes been a whole year since you left the house! PoPOVA: I shall never leave this house. Why should I? My life is over. He's dead and buried, and so am I, buried here within these four walls. We're both dead LuxA: T never heard the like! Your husband's dead. Well, God rest him, he’s not coming back. You mourned him good and proper; now it's time to move on. You can’t sit here wearing black and crying for the rest of your life. I lost my old wornan, too, a while back, T cried for 2 month, and that was that. No need to sit around for years singing hymns; she wasn't worth it. (Sighs) You haven't seen your neighbors in months, you don’t go out, and you tell us not to let anybody in. We're all living like spiders in the dark here, if you'll excuse the expression. My livery jacket's got moth holes, Fine, if there was nobody around worth seeing, but the whole county's crawling with eligible young men. There's a regiment in the next town, al those good-looking officers, melt in your mouth, most of them, and they have a dance every Friday night, and the band gives @ concert every afternoon. Oh, missus, take a look at yourself—you're still a juicy young thing, you're still beautiful, you can go out and enjoy life. But a beautiful face won't last forever, you know. You wait—ten years from now you're going to want to go swanning after those officers, and itll be too late. PoPOVA: (Firmly) T must ask you never to talk to me like this again! When my husband died, life lost all meaning for me. You know that. I may look like I'm alive, but I’m not. I swore I'd wear black and shut myself up here until the day I die, didn’t I? And I will He'll see how much I loved him... Oh, I know he treated me2 ‘Tate PLays oF ANTON CHEKHOV badly I don’t have to tell you about it. He was mean and... . and even unfaithful. But I intend to be faithful to the grave and show him what real love means. LUXKA: That's just a lot of talk. You'd do better to go out and take a walk, or have me hitch up Toby and go visit the neighbors. popova: Oh! (Burst into hysterical tears) LUKA: Missus! What is it? For God's sake, what's the matter? PoPOva: Toby! He used to love Toby so! He'd ride all over the neighborhood on him. What a horseman! Remember how grand he looked in the saddle? Oh, Toby, Toby! Go tell them he gets extra oats today LUKA: (Sighs) Don’t worry, I will (The doorbell rings. And Keeps ringing.) popova: (Exasperated) Now who's that? Go tell whoever it is 1 am not at home! To anyone! LUKA: Whatever you say, missus. (Goes out) POPOVA: (To the photograph) You sce what real love means, Nicky? My love will last as long as I do, right to my last heartbeat (Laughs, almost crying) And I hope you're ashamed of yourself! You sce what a good girl I am, what a faithful wife? I locked myself up here and will be faithful to you till the day I die, while you ... I hope you're ashamed, you little pig. You were mean to ‘me, you cheated on me, you left me alone for weeks at a time— (Enter Lacs he's upset) LLUKA: Missus, there's someone wants to see you. Says itcan’t wait rorova: Didn't you tell him that my husband is dead and that I see no one? LUKA: I did, but he doesn’t want to listen, says it's very important. Popova: And I said I sce no one! LUKA: That's what I told him, but he’s ... he’s kind of a wild man— he started shouting and pushed his way into the house. He’s in the dining room right now. Popova: All right, all right, tell him all right. Really! The nerve of some people! (Luke goes out.) Why must people be so difficult? Why can’t they just leave me alone? (Sighs) Oh, I may have to go join a nunnery after al (Thinks) T wonder what kind of nun I'd make. | THE Bean 3 (Enter Smirnoff, tailed by Luké.) td) You dingbat, stop trying to tal k me out of | 1 Ht Fp naa eee ne ote myself: Grigéry Stepdnovich Smirnoff, Field Artillery, retired. I own a place over in th Sc geil Ton m2 pac oe the next county. Sorry to disturb have to ask you, madam, to pz : Bae today to pay up. And I'm afraid I need the PorOva: Twelve hundred? Wha ‘money for? SMIRNOFF: I sold bi y fe im a couple of loads of oats POPOVA: (With a sigh, to Lukd) Now don't Laks Youmake sure Tatygeutiocer cee did my husband owe you the ct what I told you ‘gets his extra oats. ae (Luké goes ou.) (To Smirnoff) If my husband 1 aff If my husband owed you the money, Tl pay it, but you'll have to excuse oo don't hi ae ee ine today. My manager willbe back fom tava tie ge id. But today, I'm afraid, T Property! I'll lose my shirt! es Popova: You'll have your ‘money the day afi SMIRNOFF: And I've already said AMiNore: Tht mens yescee ee nen POPOVA: It means I can’t pay youl SMIRNOFF: I see. Is that your final word? reclose on my lay after tomorrow sid I cannot pay you today, said I can’t wait till the day after tomor.4 THE PLAYS OF ANTON CHEKHOV porova: 've made up my mind. SMIRNOFF: Thank you very much. I won't forget this. (Shrugs) Am I supposed to take all this lying down? On my way here, I met my accountant. “Why are you always so down in the dumps?” he asks me, Well, excuse me, he should know! I'm desperate for money! I got up at dawn yesterday and rode around to everyone I Know who owes me money, and not a one of them came across! 1 ran in more circles than a hunting dog, spent the night in some tpodforsaken fleabag hotel, and finally T get here, fifty miles fom hhome, expect to get paid, and what do I get? “A sad mood"! ‘What kind of mood do you think that puts me in’ porOva: I think I made myself perfectly clear: I'll pay you as soon as my manager gets back from town. suimorm Tearse to ace you, not your manager! What the hell ‘excuse my language—do I want with your manager? porova: My dear sir, I will not have such language in my house, nor ‘will [tolerate that tone of voice! I refuse to listen to any more of this! (Storms out) swinNOFF: I don't believe this! “It's seven months today my husband died, and P'm in a sad mood. ...” What's that got to do with me? Thave to make a mortgage payment! Fine, your husband's dead, your manager's gone to town, you're in a mood or whatever— Jehat do you expect me to do? Flap my wings and fly away from ny creditors? Run around banging my head into a brick wall? 1 {go see Grtizdeff, he’s not home. I go see Yarosévich, he hides. I go See Kuriteyn, we get into a fight; I damn near threw him out his ‘wn window. I go see Maztitov, he’s sick. And now this one has “y sad mood.” Nota one of them paid me! What a bunch of dead- beats! And it’s all because I'm such a soft touch, I'm a sucker for a hard-luck story! I'm too nice for my own good! Well, it’s time to get little tough. Nobody's going to fool around with me lik this, goddamn it! I'm not moving; I'm staying put until she pays up! Oh, boy, am I mad! Look at me—I'm quivering mad! Mad through and through, goddamn it! Mad enough to get nasty! (Shouts) Hey, you! (Enter Luké.) LUKA: What do you want? SwiRNOPF: A glass of water. Or better yet, a beer. (Luk goes out.) | | { i | What kind of loge i that? Here , Ae ee he's ready to hang himself, and she can't pay hin becouse cic me very mache “ino condion tal an ey." Tale about petticoat loge! ‘This is why T don’ tke son and hae aking ton. eae ight campeon powder keg than talk to a woman. Makes my skin crawl, the make me so mad! All I have to do is see one of those ror a start shonting for help. . de ae (Emer Lukt LUKA: (Brings Smirnoff a glass of wat q ws of water) The missus is sick; she says she can’t see anybody! ae SMIRNOFF: Get out of here! (Luke goes out.) She's sick and she can’t sec anybody! That's fine; she doesn’t have ia see me T'll just stay right here until I get my money, that’s all. She stays sick for a week, I stay here for a week. She's sick for a ress and your dimples don't impress me. I've seen plenty of dim- he horses! We're not leaving just yet! I'm staying right hece! Tel nitwit—you've got the trace horse tangled again! You just ' sit what @ mess. Hottest day of the year, nobody wants to i ae headache, I need a drink, that’s what I need. (Yells) Hey, youl (Enter Luké.) LUKA: What do you want? SMIRNOFF: A shot of vodka! (Liukd goes ous; Smirnoff falls into a chair and looks himself over.) eo T'm a mess. Dirt, mud on my boots, I need a shave, my hair fee combing, straw sticking out of my pockets. The lady must fv thought war october Ratu pi es Showing up ike this but wha the hell, notre hoe bill collector; nobody says I have to dress right. :6 “THE PLAYS OF ANTON CHEKHOV (Enter Lukd; he gives Smirnoff.a glass of vodka.) LUKA: You take too many liberties, you know that... ? SMIRNOFF: (Angry) What? LUKA: Oh, nothing. I just... Nothing. SMIRNOFF: Who do you think you're talking to? Just shut up, will ou? LURK side a he goes out) How're we going wo get rid of him SMIRNOF#! Oh, I'm mad! Tam so mad! Mad enough to blow up the world! Mad enough to get nasty! (Shouts) Hey, you! (Enter Pop6va.) porOva: (Not looking at him) My dear sir, I have lived so long in retirement I have grown unused to the human voice. T cannot stand shouting. I must earnestly beg you to respect my solitude. swIRNOFF: Pay me my money and I'll go. ‘ popOva: I have told you in no uncertain terms that I have no money here at the moment and you will have to wait until the day after tomorrow sunworF: And [also told you in no uncertain terms that I need the money today, not the day afer tomorrow. If you don’t pay me today, I might as well hang myself by the day after tomorrow. porova: But what can I do, since I don’t have the money? SMIRNOFF: You mean you're not going to pay me? Is that what you popova: Iean't! ; SMIRNOFF: In that ease, I stay right here until I get it. (Sits down) You're going to pay me the day after tomorrow? Fine. I'll be sit- ting right here! (Jumps up) Look, don't you believe I have a mort- gage payment due tomorrow? You think I'm joking? porova: asked you not to shout! You're not in a stable. SulaOFF: T didn’t ask you about a stable! What I asked you was, Don't you believe I have a mortgage payment duc tomorrow? pordva: You haven't the faintest idea of how to behave in a lady's suthsort do so know howto bchave ina lady's presencel porova: No, you do not! You are ill-mannered and vulgar! No gen- ‘tleman would speak like this in front of a lady! SMIRNOF: Oh, well, excuse me! Just how would he speak in front of a lady? In French? (With a nasty lisp) Madame, je vous prie .. . How ‘charmed I am to know that you reject to pay me my money! Ah, Tae BEAR pardon, I seem to be upsetting you! Lovely weather we're having! ‘And my, my, don’t you look lovely in black! (Makes a fuke Bow) Popova: You're being very stupid and not funny. SMIRNOFF: (Mocking) Stupid and not funny! I don't know how to behave in a lady's presence! Woman, I have seen more ladies in my time than you have seen sparrows in yours! I have fought three duels because of ladies I have walked out on twelve ladies, and nine ladies have walked out on me! So there! Oh, I used to be an idiot, got crushes on them, sweet-talked, cast my pearls before— Well ... Bow, click my heels, fall in love, suffer, sigh in the moonlight, freeze up, melt into puddles—I did it all. T could rattle on for hours about women’s rights: I spent half my life hanging around women, but not anymore! No, thank you very much! No more wool over my eyes! I've had it! Dark eyes, red lips, dimples in the checks, moonlight, sighs of passion—no, sir, I wouldn't give you two cents for any of it now. Present company excepted, of course, but all women are pretentious, affected, gossipy, hateful, liars to the marrow of their bones, vain, petty, merciless, they can’t think straight, and as for this part here (slaps his forchead) ... well—excuse my frankness—a sparrow has ten times more brains than any philosopher in skirts. Take a good look at anyone of these romantic creatures: petticoats and hot air, divine transports, the whole works; then take a look at her soul. Pure crocodile. (Grabs the back of a chair, the chair cracks and breaks) And the worst patt is, this crocodile thinks she has a monopoly on the tender emotion of lovel God- damn it, has any woman ever known how to love anything except her lapdog? She's in love, all she can do is snivel and whine. A man in love, now, he suffers and sacrifices, but a woman, her love shows up how? She swishes her skirt and gets a firm grip on your nose. You're a woman, unfortunately, but at least you know what I mean, what woman's nature is like. Tell ‘me honestly: have you ever seen a woman who was faithful and true? No, you haven't! The only honest and faithful women are old or ugly. ForOva: Excuse me, but would you mind telling me just who you think sath and tue? Men? — SMIRNOFF: Well, of course, men. PorGVA: Men! (A mean laugh) Men are faithful and true in love! Well, spread the good news! (Horly) How dare you say that? Men faithful and true? Let me tell you a thing or two! Of all the8 “Tue PLAYS oF ANTON CHERHOY 1 known, my dear departed husband with all my heart and ican loves I gave him T lived and and men I know or have evei was the best. I loved him passionately, Soul, the way only a young and sensitive girl iy youth, my happiness, my life, my money breathed for him, I worshiped him, he was my idol, and what do you think he did? ‘This best of all possible men betrayed Tne in the worst possible way: he cheated on me every chance he “After he died I found boxes and boxes of love letters in his ‘d leave me alone for weeks on in right in front of me, he got desk! And when he was alive he’ tend. And he flirted with other wome Geecived me, he spent all my money, he laughed at me when T objected, And despite everything, I loved him, and [ will be faithful to his memory. Even though he's dead, I am faithful and unshakable. I have buried myself within these four walls, where T shall mourn him forcves. I shall wear black unsil the day I die. sdRNOFF: (A sneering laugh) Black? Don't make ‘dumb do you think I am? I know exactly why that Mardi Gras outfit and why you've buried yours these walls! OF course! [e's all so romantic, so mysterious! You're waiting for some shavetail army lieutenant to come rid wr some sentimental schoolboy with a bad complexion, jour window and think: Ah! There dwells who loved her husband so much she T know all about your lite me laugh! How you ge around in elf within ing by, and he'll look up the mysterious Tamara, buried herself within four walls. games. popova: (Flares up) What? How dare you even suggest the kind! iRNOFF: You buried your nosel porova: How ‘SuIRNOFF: Don’t yell at me—I'm not your manager. pot a woman, and I'm used to calling a spade a spade. stop shouting. popova: I'm not shouting—you are! Wi leave me alone! swinNorF: Pay me my money and I'll gol porova: I will not give you any money! SMIRNOFF: You will toot popova: I will not! You won't get one red cent from mi goaway! anything of s yourself alive, but you didn't forget to powder dare you!!| How dare you speak to me like this! But I’m a man, And please ill you please go away and re! Now please _ “Tie Bean 9 Sutworr I donot have the pleasure of beng either your husband or Your anc so please stop making scenes for my benefit (Sis toro (Sorting with anger) You dare sit down? PorOvA: Will you please go! Sulexopr: Jase give me my money! (Aside) Oh, am T mad! Am 1 Tore: OF all the nerve T want nothin (Pause.) ig more co do with you! You're sil here? You have tlee ‘SMIRNOFF: No. = forova Nos Siisor. No, ForOVA Al ight! (Ring) (Enter Luké.) LUKA: (Goes over to Smirnoj lease i '. ‘SMIRNOFF: (Leaps to his feet) And ae armchair) Vm dying! I'm dying! I can't breathe! - 1a: Dasha! Where's Dasha? (Screams) Dasha! Pele ! Das (Rings ansicaly) a POPGVA: (Makes a fist and sot) Ye You vulgare! Monster! Yous medal Patt YO" bet PoPOvA:I said you were a bear! a rd her) And just who said you could insult me~ THE PLAYS OF ANTON CHEKHOV heroine, that gives you the right to insult me with impunity? Is that it? Oh, nol This is a matter for the field of honor! LUKA: Oh, my God! Ob, my God! Water! SMIRNOFF: Time to choose weapons! Popova: And just because you've got big fists and a bull neck, you think I’m afraid of you? You -.. you bear! SMIRNOFF: To the field of honor! Nobody insults me like that, not POPOVA: (Trying fo shoue him down) Beat! Bear! Beas! sM{RNOFF: It's about time we got rid of old prejudices about only men needing to defend themselves on the field of honor! If it's equality you want, then it's equality you get! I challenge you to a duel! popova: You want to fight a duel! Good! Let's fight! smiRNore: Right this minute! porova: Right this minute! My husband had a set of pistols; wait here, I'll go get them. (Starts out and immediately returns) God- damn you! You have no idea what a pleasure it will be for me to put a bullet through your thick head! (Goes ous) sairNOrr; I'l shoot her like a sitting duck! I'm not a schoolboy any. ‘more, I'm no sentimental puppy—I don't care if she isthe weaker LUKA: Oh, please, sir! (Falls to his knees) Please don't do this, please just leave, please. I'm an old man, my heart won't stand all the excitement! Please don’t shoot her! sMinNoFF: (Pays no attention to him) V'll shoot her—that's real equal: ity; that'll emancipate her! Equality of the sexes at last! But what a woman! (Imitates her) “Goddamn you! You have no idea what a pleasure it will be to put a bullet through your thick head!” Yes, ‘what a woman! She got all flushed; her eyes were flashing fire; she accepted my challenge without even thinking! By God, that’s the first time this has ever happened to mel LUKA: Oh, please, sir, please go! Just go away! sutfNoFR: Now, that’s a woman I understand! That's a real woman! She's not one of your sissies, nothing wishy-washy about her; she's all flint and firepower! I’m almost sorry to have to kill her! LUKA: (Cries) Please, sir, please, just go! Please! SMIRNOFF: I definitely like this woman! Definitely! So she has dim- ples—I still like her. I'm almost ready to tell her to forget about the money. And I'm not mad anymore. ... What an astonishing (Enter Pop6va; she carries a pair of dueling pistols.) t } THe Bean a Popova: Here're the pistols. But before please show me how to use the touched one before. TUKA: Oh, God have mercy on us alll P's and the coachman..... V hi (Goes ous) SMIRNOFF: (Looks over the are several different timer, now—that’s ag what you have here action, we have our duel, will you damn things? I've never even Boing to get the gardener Why did this have t happen tous os Pistols with a profesional eye) You see, there makes of weapon. You've gor your’ Mor cial dueling pistol, percussion action, But ma are Smith and Wesson revolvers, triple Nery With an extractor and central sights. Beautiful pices < cost at least ninety rubles the pair. Now look, you hold the pistol like this... (Aside) WI re ie (Aside) What amazing eyes she’s got! What POPOV: Like this? SUIRNOFE: That's it, chavs the way. Ni this id ay you take aim... Move your head bach Suet ou your arm thats he way. ena ti Fel th ele thing here and cha all ere to Ms peiaher and lca ety ai PoPOvA: Right. ... We shouldn't ‘shoot inc 7 SiiRNOM: All ight, let go ouside Cale Tae ee sie Boom: li ly T warn you, T intend to POPOVA: Oh, that’s the last straw! W1 SMIRNOFF: Because eae ee f your br shy! Sumer Bs Tes none of your business why t Are you getting scared? Is that it? Aha, that's i Won't get out of this so easily ea won't rest until I pues bull head I hate so! What's the matte SMIRNOFF: That's it, I’m a coward. POPOVA: You're lying! Why don’t you W SMIRNOFF: Because. because bees ForOVa: (Sorcaic laugh) Fe lke hae, (Points t0 the door) Just go. NORE: (Puts down the poli ilence, takes hi on slence, takes his has, and stars out the door he stops and turns, They look as each other in song 7 one ten ‘he goes hesitantly toward Popova) Listen abe {ala Is crazy mpl unl uss mine now ...how ean I patie? Well, the ee is, nothing like this ever happened to me before ‘ext you cock the piece, like iu ! Oh no, you ‘ome on, we're going outside! through that head of yours—that fer, are you a coward? ant to fight? because I like you. 's me! He dares to tell me he likes are you ago, but you you see, the fact (Shouss) Well, know‘Tus PLAYS oF ANTON CHEKHOV goddamn it, is it my fault I like you? (Grabs a chair behind his back; the chair cracks and breaks) Why do you have such fragile furniture! I like you! You understand? 1... I think I'm in love with you! porOva: Get away from me! I hate you! sMiRNOFF: God, what a woman! I've never seen anything like her in ‘my entire life! 'm done for! I’m caught in her mousetrap! porova: Get away from me, or I'll shoot! suiRNOFF, Go ahead, shoot! You don't know how happy that will make me, to die with your beautiful eyes upon me, die from a gun in your silky little hand. ... Oh, I’m out of my mind! Look, you'd better think this over fast and decide right away. Once I Teave here, we'll never see each other again. Make up your mind. I own, a lot of land, I'm from a good family, I've got an income of ten thousand a year... can put a bullet through a coin in the air at twenty paces. ... I've got the best horses you'll ever see... Will por6va: (Angry, she waves the pistol) Marry you? I intend to shoot you! On the field of honor! suinNor®: Pm out of my mind! I don't understand what's happen- ie POPOVA: On the field of honor! sMiaNorr: I'm out of my mind! I'm in love! I'm behaving like an idiot schoolboy! (Grabs her hand; she shrieks with pain) \ love you! (Falls to his knees) 1 love you, the way I've never loved anyone before! I walked out on twelve women, nine walked out on me, but I never loved one of them the way T do you! My mind has turned to jelly, my joints have turned to sugar, I'm on my knees like a dope, and I’m asking for your hand. ... Oh, the shame, the shame! Thaven’t been in love for six years, I swore I never would again, and all of a sudden I'm head over heels! I'm asking you to marry mel Yes or no? Will you? Yes or no? No? Fine! (Gets up and heads quickly toward the door) Popova: Wait a minute suixOFF: (Stops) Well? porova: Nothing, just gal_No, I mean, wait.... No, go away! Go away! I hate you! I mean, no, don’t gol Oh, you make me so mad! (Throws the pistol on the floor) My finger’s all swollen up from that damn thing! (Stes caring her handkerchief) Well, what are you waiting for? Just get out of here! sMIRNOFF: All right, then. Goodbye. Tae BEAR 3B FOROVA: Ye, yes, just go! (Sosams) Where are you going? W. pee are you going? Wait 2 minute... Oh, come on back, Oh, 'm so mad Stay aay from il Stay away from me! SulkNowe: (Cres to her) Youre mad? Pm mad fll in love like a schoolboy, got down on my knees, Ieven got goose bumps (Rough) love you! ‘That's all T needed, to alin love with youl Tomorrow I've got to pay the mortgage, start cutung hay, and gow you (Grubs her around the wast) YU never forgive myself Por6va: Get away from mel Get your hands off me! I --Thate you! T want to fight the d-d-duel! i (A long kiss. Enter Luké with a shovel, the gardener with « rake the coachman with a pitchfork some farmucsters with tcke) © LUKA: (Sees the couple kissing) Oh, my God. (Pause, POPOVA: (Shyly) Luks, go out to the stable and tell them Toby doesn't get extra oats anymore. CURTAIN.