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Pursuer Distancer Pattern

This document outlines the key differences between pursuer and distancer patterns in relationships. Pursuers tend to openly communicate issues, share feelings, and take responsibility, while distancers implicitly communicate, avoid sharing feelings, and withdraw from communication. The foundational needs for pursuers are secure attachment, while distancers need acceptance and approval. The document provides suggestions for what each type can do to improve relationships, such as pursuers softening their approach and distancers initiating more communication and together time.

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Euwern Wong
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2K views1 page

Pursuer Distancer Pattern

This document outlines the key differences between pursuer and distancer patterns in relationships. Pursuers tend to openly communicate issues, share feelings, and take responsibility, while distancers implicitly communicate, avoid sharing feelings, and withdraw from communication. The foundational needs for pursuers are secure attachment, while distancers need acceptance and approval. The document provides suggestions for what each type can do to improve relationships, such as pursuers softening their approach and distancers initiating more communication and together time.

Uploaded by

Euwern Wong
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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Pursuer – Distancer Patterns

Pursuer Distancer

Handles toxic issues by talking them over and Handles toxic issues by closing off, putting
over – this pours salt on the wound and it feelings away—anxiety always stays just
never heals. below the surface.

Makes criticism explicit (fully revealed or Criticism is implicit (capable of


being
expressed without vagueness, implication, or understood from something else though
ambiguity: leaving no question as to meaning unexpressed: IMPLIED)
or intent).

Forces communication Withdraws from communication

Personal boundaries are open: shares Personal boundaries are closed: shares
feelings easily, have easy access to the inner feelings with only a select few; and under
world; this also spills anxiety and upset to stress, even the few are shut out. When
anyone around. feelings do come out they pour out
uncontrollably.
Likes and expects relationship time; feels
refreshed and energized by people contact. Likes time alone or small group activity time;
feels drained by face-to-face contact
Likes to express emotions and thoughts
Avoids talking about emotions and thoughts;
Personal rhythm – high speed or dead stop often says ―I don’t know how I feel.‖

High energy, intense, impatient Personal Rhythm – deliberate

Takes on the lions share of responsibility in Cool, logical, steady, calm


relationship
Concerned with productivity over relationship
Feels like God – ―I know what’s wrong and quality
how to fix it.‖

Foundational Need:
Foundational Need:
Acceptance and approval
Safe and secure emotional attachment
(Connection)

What Pursuers Can Do: What Distancers Can Do:

 Soften Themselves (Back off, demand  Step into the relationship, turn toward
less, expect less) your partner.
 Refrain from critical comments  Initiate communication and contact
 Create verbal and emotional distance.  Plan activities and together time
Bringing others in to fill in the gap (friends,  Self disclose and share feelings
family, co-workers)  If you don’t know how you feel, work to
 Use your strong social skills to welcome, pull feelings out of the locked spaces
attract, invite, and allure. where you store them
 Pull your partner in with positives rather  Risk togetherness where you may be
than push away with negatives. criticized or hurt

Guerin, Fay, Burden & Kautto. (1987) The evaluation and treatment of marital conflict: a four stage approach. New York: Basic
Books, Inc.

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