SHORT PLAY
FESTIVAL 2017
WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY MANY, STARRING YOU!
Hello!
Thank you for auditioning (or considering auditioning) for the ETHS Short Play Festival.
Short play (as it is often called) is exactly what it sounds like — a festival of short plays. This
year’s festival consists of eight plays.
God, I Hope I Get It. Written and Directed by Graham Byrne
Produce! Written by Ben Ballmer & Jasper Davidoff, Directed by Jasper Davidoff
Time Flies. Written by David Ives, Directed by Sophie Civetta
Corybungus. Written by Stephen Bittrich, Directed by Claire Turvill
The Heart of the Fire. Written by Rich Orloff, Directed by Andy Soglin
Ferris Wheel. Written by Mary Miller, Directed by Joe Blanchard
La Mouche. Written by Stephen Bittrich, Directed by Gaby Godinez
Ohio Impromptu. Written by Samuel Beckett, Directed by Meredith Byrnes
This year, we have a mix of original work, comedies, dramas, and one musical that is all
of the above!
Because there are only eight plays this year, the festival will only be two nights:
Thursday, May 25th and Friday, May 26th
Rehearsals for your play will be at the discretion of your director—you may not have
rehearsal every day, but you should expect to be called at least twice a week. You and your cast
will rehearse your play with your director and perform for ONE NIGHT ONLY, either Thursday
or Friday.
How to audition in five easy steps:
1. Sign up for a slot at ethstheatre.com (it is not required to know the people in your
audition, but for your dialogue it would be a good idea to rehearse with your partner.)
2. Print/fill out the audition form and conflict sheet to bring to your audition.
3. Choose TWO pieces from this packet. Either a monologue and dialogue or two dialogues.
(It’s not required to be memorized, but it is recommended)
4. Practice your audition.
5. Prepare 30 seconds of a song. (Not required unless you’d like to be considered for the
musical short play.)
6. Show up and perform your piece!
7. We meant six steps. Oh, wait, now it's seven....
Because there are only eight plays this year, we will be casting fewer people than we
have in recent years. 16-24 people will be cast.
Thank you for reading this long introduction!
Thank you for auditioning!
~Your Short Play Festival 2017 Directors~
AUDITION FORM
Name:__________________________________ ID:______________
Email:__________________________________ Grade Level: 9 10 11 12
Phone Number: __________________________
Singing Ability: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
(Please God No) (Just Call Me Beyoncé)
Can you do an English accent?
Can you do a French accent? (Even if it’s over the top, that’s okay.)
Are you comfortable playing a character that is not human?
Scratch this Scratch-N-Sniff. What does it smell like? (Yes, you must write an answer.)
What is the best way to get in contact with you? (Circle One)
Email Text Facebook Call Carrier Pigeon
How comfortable are you doing an Irish Jig? (Not relevant for the audition, we just want to
know.)
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
(What is that?) (Just call me Michael Flatley!)
Tentative schedule: You will likely not be called every day.
Circle and detail all conflicts.
Monday, May 1st, 3-6
Tuesday, May 2nd, 4-6
Wednesday, May 3rd, 4-6
Thursday, May 4th, 4-6
Friday, May 5th, 4-6
Saturday, May 6th, 10-4
Monday, May 8th, 3-6
Tuesday, May 9th, 4-6
Wednesday, May 10th, 4-6
Thursday, May 11th, 4-6
Friday, May 12th, 4-6
Saturday, May 13th, 10-4
Monday, May 15th, 3-6
Tuesday, May 16th, 4-6
Wednesday, May 17th, 4-6
Thursday, May 18th, 4-6
Friday, May 19th, 4-6
Saturday, May 20th, 10-6 (TECH SATURDAY)
Monday, May 22nd, 3-6
Tuesday, May 23rd, 4-6
Wednesday, May 24th, 4-6
Thursday, May 25th, SHOW: Call at 6pm if your play is performing that day. (But you should
come even if you're not.)
Friday, May 26th, SHOW: Call at 6pm if your play is performing that day. (But you should come
even if you're not.
PLAY DESCRIPTIONS
Time Flies
You know what’s uncomfortable? First dates. They can be awkward and tense, but also exciting.
Well, imagine you are on a first date, and, through watching the discovery channel, you learn
that you will die at 7am the next morning. And so will your date. Oh and you’re a mayfly (that’s
a bug in case you were confused). Sound interesting? If yes, then you will LOVE Time Flies by
David Ives. It’s a hilarious play about May and Horace, two mayflies, on a first date
and...well...everything I just explained happens to them. They watch the Discovery Channel
(with a pretty sassy host) and learn that mayflies only live for 24 hours. What do they do? Well, I
guess you’ll have to audition to find out!
Corybungus
Do you like Monty Python? Then you’ll love Corybungus! Corybungus was written as an ode to
Monty Python’s “Bookshop”, but instead of absurd spellings of authors and titles, Corybungus is
about a lot of absurd words. Mr. Weiner goes into a bookshop in hopes of exchanging his
defective Oxford English Dictionary (O.E.D.) because he believes it is missing lots of important
words. The comedy comes when the Returns Man realizes none of the words Mr. Weiner is
saying are actual words! Forget the fact that he didn’t even buy the dictionary from this
bookshop, the man himself is just absurd. (At least Mr. Weiner will have an English accent.)
The Heart of Fire
The Heart of Fire is set in a high class bar in New York City. As the black sheep of the family,
Julie has always had problems when it came to dealing with her family. Julie has been estranged
from her mother for the past five years and now her mother wants to make amends because she’s
on her deathbed. When Paul, Julie’s brother, comes to the bar where Julie works and tries to
convince her to say goodbye before her mother passes. Over the course of the play, Paul tries
harder and harder to get Julie to say goodbye and traumatic parts of their childhood resurface.
La Mouche
Set in a French restaurant in New York City, a customer finds a fly swimming in his soup, and
calls upon his two over-the-top French waiters to help him, both of whom blow the whole
situation out of proportions, scaring the customer, and creating crazy scenarios.
Ferris Wheel
Two strangers (a man and a woman) climb onto the same ferris wheel chair (surprise) to escape
or try to fill holes in their lives. The ferris wheel breaks down and they are stuck with each other.
Dorie is chatty, afraid of heights, and has come as part of an annual ritual to try to conquer her
fear. John is a divorced traveling salesman who smokes, he used to ride ferris wheels when he
was a kid. The two talk, connect, find answers in each other, then go their separate ways.
Produce!
Every now and then, you get to a point in your life where you feel compelled to stop, look back
and think something like, “Just how exactly did I get here?” or “Why is the guy in front of me
buying so many zucchini?” Life can be funny like that. Produce!, an original short musical, asks
such questions by examining the circumstances in which two people end up facing each other,
kneeling on the floor of a grocery store pastry aisle, covered in sheet cake. The rapidly changing,
operatic style of the score suits a quick-paced absurdist storyline that leaves both the audience
and the cast with more questions than answers.
God I Hope I Get It
Subtextually, (Hi, Sam Bailey, Yes I did just talk about subtext in this paragraph) this play is
about three things: the college application process and the emotional toll it has on students, how
anxiety affects all of us in different ways, and the connections that people make in a stressful
situation.
Literally, this play is about high school students waiting outside auditions for a competitive
college theater program.
Also, there’s a ton of references to Shakespeare and A Chorus Line.
Ohio Impromptu
An absurdist, minimalist piece that, in most interpretations, involves isolation, despair, and a
slowly dying romantic relationship. Alone together in a dark room, the reader reads the last
pages of a long book to the listener, who happens to look exactly like the reader. Communicating
solely through the listener knocking on the table, the reader, through fractured, poetic blurbs,
tells, as it is commonly believed, the tale of the life of the listener (and possibly the reader?) up
to that very moment. The listener never speaks, and the listener’s lover appears three times,
veiled, throughout the scene.
MONOLOGUES
JULIE:
Is it because she loves me? Is it because she wants to connect with the real me? Does she want to
make amends before she dies? I don’t think so. I think she just wants everything to be nice and
tidy before she goes so she can die thinking that she was a good mother. Look, I know that she
never beat us, and we weren’t sexually abused abused and there was nothing in our childhood
that would make a good TV movie. There’s no traumatizing even I can point to self-righteously
and say “This is why I’m so mad!” But the woman, she, she— she didn’t like children and she
definitely didn’t like me.
PIERRE: (Pierre is a French waiter)
Oui, Monsieur? How is your soup? NO! A fly? Ooooo la, la, la, la! There he is! I see him! He is
looking at me! I am at a loss. Jacques! Jacques! His soup contains a fly. Monsieur, who is your
waiter? I will KILL him! He must die! I will tear him limb from limb! He will pay for this fly
with his life, oui? Today just a fly! Tomorrow a ball of hair, the next day a human head in his
soup! The line must be drawn! We will just simply kill your waiter, problem solved! May I offer
you a jar, Monsieur? I can poke petite holes in the lid for your fly! Jaques, get Monsieur another
soup, sans the fly!
ELLA: (Like, really nervous. Pauses throughout.)
I’m Ella. (Pause. Jackson says nothing) Okay. That’s fine. “Men of few words are the best men.”
Are you nervous? I’m kinda nervous. I mean, I’m like prepared. I’ve worked on it a lot. I just. I
don’t know. I’m nervous. It’s okay to be nervous right? You can still do well if you’re nervous.
Right? Yeah. It’s just. This is my top school and I really want to do well. What am I saying of
course I want to do well. Why would I want to do poorly. I don’t know. I’m sorry. It’s just
sometimes I like, ramble on when I’m nervous and I just go off on these tangents. Tangent.
Tan-gent. That word always made me think of Tangerines. Are you a mute or something? A
mute actor? Huh. That would be pretty cool, actually. You could do silent films. Like actual
silent films. That would be cool. Well. Cool Cool. Cool cool cool. I’m just gonna shut the fuck
up now.
MR. WEINER: (An Englishman)
I’ve got a defective Oxford English Dictionary. (*clears throat*) O.E.D.
You see, it’s missing words. All kinds of words. And I’d like to exchange it please.
What kinds of words is it missing, you ask? Well I couldn’t find “corybungus”. It isn’t in there -
look for yourself!
I mean there really is no point in having an O.E.D. if it’s missing important words!
You’ve think I’ve made this up? “Corybungus” is an important word! But I--I find it
embarrassing to say: Bum. Buttocks! Butt! Derrière! Posterior! Ass!
That’s “corybungus” okay? It’s a biggy.
READER: (Reading from a book)
So the sad tale a last time told they sat on as though turned to stone. Through the single window
dawn shed no light. From the street no sound of reawakening. Or was it buried in who knows
what thoughts they paid no heed? To light of day. To sound of reawakening. What thoughts who
knows. Thoughts, no, not thoughts. Profounds of mind. Buried in who knows what profounds of
mind. Of mindlessness. Whither no light can reach. No sound. So sat on as though turned to
stone. The sad tale a last time told.
Pause.
Nothing is left to tell.
GLENN: (on the phone)
Whaddaya mean another office party? We celebrated Christmas two months ago. Now we’re
celebrating Pulaski Day? That’s not even a real holiday! (listens) And I don’t even go inside the
office anymore! I just pick up the truck and… (listens) You want me to get the food? Fine. I’ll
get something freaking delicious. All the garbage people will love it. (listens) Yeah, well dzień
dobry to you too! (listens) It’s good day in Polish! (waits, exasperatedly) Because Pula -
(The other person has hung up. GLENN jerks the phone from their ear.)
Filthy imbeciles. You know what? (tremendously) I’ll get them a vegetable plate. (with menace)
No one likes vegetable plates.
DIALOGUES
First Dialogue
RETURNS MAN.
Yes sir, how may I help you?
MR. WEINER.
I've got a defective O-E-D.
RETURNS MAN.
I'm very sorry, sir. And what exactly is a defective O-E-D?
(MR. WEINER slams the O-E-D down on the counter)
Ah yes, the Oxford English Dictionary.
MR. WEINER.
It's missing words.
RETURNS MAN.
I see. Well, what kinds of words is it missing, exactly?
MR. WEINER.
All kinds of words.
RETURNS MAN.
Well. . . if I may ask, sir, what words did you find missing from your. . . O-E-D?
MR. WEINER.
I couldn't find "corybungus."
RETURNS MAN.
You don't say. "Corybungus"?
MR. WEINER.
It isn't in there. Look for yourself.
RETURNS MAN.
No, no, I believe you.
MR. WEINER.
You think I made it up?
RETURNS MAN.
I believe you! I just don't know the word.
MR. WEINER.
(Condescendingly)
Oh really? Well, I find it embarrassing to say.
RETURNS MAN.
Of course.
MR. WEINER.
(After a beat)
Bum.
RETURNS MAN.
Excuse me?
MR. WEINER.
Bum! Buttocks! Butt! Derriere! Posterior! Ass! OKAY? It’s a biggy
Second Dialogue
PIERRE.
Monsieur, would you like another soup?
JAQUES.
The soup is not the issue!
PIERRE.
Obviously.
JAQUES.
The issue is the fly!
PIERRE.
Exactement. The fly. The fly must die as well.
JAQUES.
Pierre! Are you insane? A poor defenseless creature… merely trying to keep warm… and you
suggest we end his existence?
PIERRE.
Pardon. I have missed the point.
JAQUES.
Obviously.
PIERRE.
(hitting himself)
Stupid! Stupid! Can you forgive me, Monsieur?
JAQUES.
The fly is innocent.
PIERRE.
Obviously. A babe in the…
JAQUES.
The fly has been duped. He is a pawn in this devilish plot!
PIERRE.
In the woods. Oui.
JAQUES.
Absurd.
PIERRE.
Yes, of course, but…
JAQUES.
I will… Kill YOU!
(The two get in a fight.)
Third Dialogue.
JACKSON.
What piece are you doing?
ELLA.
Shakespeare.
JACKSON.
That’s broad. All of Shakespeare. Every single play. Every sonnet. You’re doing all of them?
ELLA.
Lady M. Scottish play. “Was the hope drunk wherein” and so on.
JACKSON.
Ah. Makes sense.
ELLA.
Excuse me?
JACKSON.
It’s just. A lot of girls do that one.
ELLA.
It’s a good monologue.
JACKSON.
It is a good monologue. Just overdone. Even if you do if you do it perfectly they’ll have already
seen it a dozen times.
ELLA.
We’re the first people here.
JACKSON.
Okay well then they’ll see a dozen after you.
ELLA.
Okay.
JACKSON.
Also, this isn’t a technically theater. You can say Macbeth in here.
ELLA.
I never say it. On principle.
JACKSON.
Wow. Are your parents actors?
ELLA.
Yeah, what does-
JACKSON.
Thought so.
Fourth Dialogue.
JULIE.
You know what, I actually like working here.
PAUL.
Yeah, you never have to worry about the unruly customers… because there are no customers.
JULIE.
It’s 3:15. Come back in a few hours; this place will be packed.
PAUL.
Oh, I’m sure it will be chock-full of all those East Villagers who like to express their individuality
by looking like every other East Villager.
JULIE.
What I like best about this place is that I hardly ever run into anyone who looks like you.
PAUL.
Maybe I should pierce my nose.
JULIE.
There’s a fashion trend: a pierced nose on a stuffed shirt.
PAUL.
Give me a break, will you?
JULIE.
I gave you more breaks than I ever should. I told you a year ago that I never wanted to see you
again, unlike some people, I mean what I say.
PAUL.
Hey, I’ve spent two days looking for you. You think I want to be here?
JULIE.
Nobody forced you.
PAUL.
Mom asked me to find you.
JULIE.
You could have said no.
PAUL.
She begged me.
JULIE.
You could have said
PAUL.
She’s in the hospital.
JULIE.
I know.
PAUL.
She wants to see you.
JULIE.
Well, we can’t always get what we want.
Fifth Dialogue.
(If you choose this dialogue, please keep in mind that you are mayflies!)
MAY.
Oh Horace, I had such plans. I had such wonderful plans. I wanted to see Paris.
HORACE.
What’s Paris?
MAY.
I have no idea.
HORACE.
Maybe we’ll come back as caviar and find out. (They laugh a little at that.) I was just hoping to
live till Tuesday.
MAY.
What’s a Tuesday? (They laugh a little more at that.) The sun’s going to be up soon. I’m scared,
Horace. I’m so scared.
HORACE.
You know, May, we don’t have much time, and really, we hardly know each other--but I’m going
to say it. I think you’re swell. I think you’re divine. From your buggy eyes to the thick raspy hair
on your legs to the intoxicating scent of your secretions.
MAY.
Eeeuw.
HORACE.
Eeeuw? No. I say woof. And I say who cares if life is a swamp and we’re just a couple of small
bugs in a very small pond. I say live, May! I say --- darn it --- live!
MAY.
But how?
HORACE.
Well I don’t honestly know…
MAY.
We could fly to Paris!
HORACE.
Do we have time to fly to Paris?
MAY.
Carpe diem!
Sixth Dialogue
DORIE.
I’m sorry. I’m boring you.
JOHN.
You’re not boring me. It’s just…(He pats chest.) I’ve been smoking ever since I was twelve.
They’d give me a dollar for the collection plate at church and I’d fish out change—enough for a
pack. God got the bulk of it but He’s getting even now.
DORIE.
No, you are right. I do talk too much. I always have. Especially when I’m nervous… or scared.
Sometimes I get so wound up I can feel myself floating up over my body and I just want to slap
myself silly saying… “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.” (pause) Like now. I’m sorry.
JOHN
It’s OK.
DORIE.
No, you see my greatest flaw is… I just want people to like me. I’m about the only person I know
who thought Sally Field’s acceptance speech at the Academy Awards… “You like me! You like
me!!” … had real depth. I understand what she meant. But sometimes what we do has the exact
opposite results.
JOHN.
I like you.
DORIE.
How can you tell, you keep twitching and biting and picking…
JOHN.
… and listening. Sometimes when I listen to you I forget about smoking.
DORIE.
You’re teasing.
JOHN.
No. I do… like you… and… ah… I don’t even know your name.
DORIE.
My name is… Dorien. But people call me Dorie.
JOHN.
Pleased to meet you… Dorie. I’m John.
