wiles Ter ae tion btw pay lor a double mastectomy.” ue 0 tok uf concer, ME crn hy ald a ry woul you wah cameron oct on het adhe ies nie sd ae ‘hor hands vigorously, She moves hack to omer at elite Ballons on my chen at Hee Fae “Do tnow wy a tag coping he chant og ee cmt ‘en findg he om verry ace Mea ve Teoma te Bnd dae Coty ny iy wend ov by ae aa in it i am Sohn jaetuieciee nol acme ei my pa Seng ree. Ath somen they ee Se te Cape Town in hee yar of 2016 ‘se rb bor ths ways choco age on Onc ly vi: tot ig Capea dowwar m my Ss asin Sha ond nae ae ck aa hormone temo hungveto eee wes 2 sv mpettoo and sks me to move towards the che oe mecerenen we tris be tet aleatemloee ear ee Fovpeting My glinend ies bey 00d vi Arar: She aks a few paces bck to adja the ache TWENTY-SEVEN Blackout ‘when T eer ive hing 9 eines . og ag perfectly nestled on the machine's receiving ery re messing oven that UP ‘Gels ack to me and gently adjust the teabus, ensures eg “While showering one ay centred me suddenly anya ‘ay Landa, Ym going to begin with your right breas* ee can sc nas. Boot Rit Pingo nd 9 ht ave ac ano Wa on Dr Googe! Iam 204 ~ Thavenngtahursl Seon Ce A et owt a team 2 IPs ssmeohratieanterent noma cave dos cue apport te Via Ta sont ne Stine ll yaa done a dwn the day 8 ans ses keep your esd upright and lok stage shea Howie ine of coninaed miserine adh : caren S | els i nig at oh ot hye my heels ino the nest of my shoe and wait forthe presser 2 ed en athe mae cma. The pin he hs forewarned ie fen eee Ushes sie off the clinical gow". sa ‘wtonent feel my usually imp teabags amassing under the eqasneo am basing thi cm tm a tu Know, se only reason 1am avin i ng pe ha his amp wl he cancerous inthe ho 161 TTee tae es agree ea tee ta eae arabe es fad be 20 ae Sheed error Ca ina i ace Timanage to jasfy my drinking eten the ancestors respond very fa pane pi 1818 and Viceroy gifs In bere te boring iy yng herons he the devoted boytnend accompany, werel oe Khayelitsa, te Fos ike it the Hast ean do Tprcdtoload meas spose when she tly bas 0 ob Tham paying my pon des lesen thes round te same tne forge one fel slag at Donen a devout mai ‘Norah Ryket. When I coi in her about how ‘Quesnies ancestral work andthe roth emerge 38 2 Sg00 room, believing that Lam sbout ‘Eales yk ht intent ti When se Ease eked anes, im ig coal: e ‘cx sed nt mit the tetris oe oe ttm lento owing my ns Sota see ting pc, encourage Que wo go home oped oe vr pole Ach sie am ling mend se ton hs d)fanconal elton, One morn ‘ood Feiday, she drops a bombshell: she no longer wants to, oe Sook in a sof dking and ogy pen 16“To ene the tension, We g0 10am seston wih end, Ld whole lot more, Later that night we make our way home Encouraged by her spitual teaches, she mally has ¢ Siunnofl because "it lps with the lary of the deems se | nie sleeping”. The moods ei and I seep nighteap Bote she oes me. We rere o bed don't remember what happens nex. rwenell ‘When finally comer my snes, rele holding on of Flour ee ieee Hidden Things Pasay head and other pats of her body She Begins seam ura tell ith eleve she has inflicted the myer Sal Thave een beg ble thisvenon of eee hie of wines eter than Quen dhe ee one ny ising terror. oct The eens tut Quecnie’s grabbes now wt ve been han fan, My heads swiuming 19 rane to throw up. 6 aeLunda tbove . eens rin nana 2am wien im steno snl ci where lara ere car soa onan nea eect ae konthyaenuaseeet teaeions et cclecey ar dh 1290 heen emer harem oil ng Se ny pane tel ph dad pt kant hen won come Sa mel fy Sw ap ses ene Os a se cemcten ng il atc how Seip ailcteme cin co de ilouhe we onto by once han Tel page ease cs peemanpnemnateneinnier hat an tegen pnw oes ie fA fe USTs pho» al pens a aoe a em mares ene eh ne a Sheeler de sie a encemannetr be opal a nr yesh he nor Hao or ro rego whe ae pectin, Poona, 2 too awe ero de neem vo ar depo The the ys speak ee sa aks ad sence my Scant came sig me wha ran ce Te to Ke ing oe aa acl my sod mas ses oe ce ee ocd shu fr belts bs haa gy he dark eons ising onc il cer aude my ag tema te fea od acu info split aot at a ye hed bl wor of tae 8 a es aetna wonsener anime re and te on te ol ema 186 =Er eet anita ce a ih ering Soca eon the sheltered part of the cell: Hebel me pace nee tenth swe oter Nhosa inmates, and in Xhw oem ine inthe notorious two who he’ ao noneed ene ook a EF Aer supper nauseating mishmash of seg ae igh ate sched off and we rete ore a ethock, ‘ag son fl ae My gute Tate ec {DG mtn cee as on rma ine nt m7 bade eeping watch th his back pains the wal, ee he fan. bev pena nighe jae packed ory ee py excing a lawyer arves with bal ween tara hep ord come aga Me MY A Eee tad penne act geet athe “sng wth one of my estranged cousins. Ins ow sagen shih birthday. How did everything unica srs = et ng id= ss earahr Torben teeta vse tht could have beaten up another humm hen a iss of The Father kicking my head, The Mother staan hve eried in response to their brutal , sinter Die cnd teers eee bicmerternat ee nce lnsrto be TaN anol ieed haw ntiohor erento wscoshace a birthday with me, [tll her what hence wnt in on wa sgadgee eee cre through ny fal cll wth“Thenext morning, we o back tomy house, fined by ‘Minky, aa stare leaning up the mes. the spare bed ee atone +S mip Bose half led with a red ‘ick beads flowing on the suace. The oute ofthe caked cay substance and nearby isa packet led with Tooks like deed herbs “Tis all looks highly suspicious. 1 decide 1 eed ao ind Independent tadtional exper oF Sangoma who aight to shed some light on ob Beings The more ery vo ‘shat has happened, the more Lam convinced that there Sinner Rand inthe mids of ial E ‘ater we've cleaned up the mess and wiped down the Vo and I decie to Bnd 2 mediator to ry to resolve the temveen Queen ad me Belo it escalates possible jal hrraiced when Vo sas she willing 10 tn the dc Teaneatford lawyer mi nances rein terrible mes henge spreads fast and mutl friends recoil from ae Tram the beast who beat up his ielfriend ‘Vo and { deve tat i anyone can get through to Queenie her sangorma, so we take 3 tip ro Khayelsha t0 speak 0 Toman, who T have got 0 know over the pat few months, ft Tosening to ny story she pauses fr a Tong while before her verdict Her words chill me ro the bone. Lands, Lam not surprised by wha you are ellng mek ic was going to happen.” Tavern word ask eri she can help mediate a conve herween Queene and me. “do not have a problem aking 1 her and 1 know tha sl te tome, When al ofthis resolved, both of you wil hve Toate sure tha you do everything T require of you, otherase ‘on o both of you will end up dead Tam desperate; [el like beggar, prepared to do anyting, Right now Feel have no choice. “The sangoma calls Queenie and we all make dhe sp back ro parkland, accompanied by 2 group of eter sangomas she bot ‘reansed. am consumed by shame when I see che bruised and et eens tv oo have done soe And Je ep ea ce aii Speyer eld “lh bt ed limon son Sard wee nots ao roma po sts lens bate we hae eee eae 2 le ees because we hare hen teheving hiern ae scrcommring ov sora oe wings nd ‘yih code ero Sci cenit hat ou atom coe and Tack sts Tend up agrcing to whatever el for my a ifs deed that she ‘ethrown atime” 1 ll deve to on Today morning for my inital appearance aren CEE infor the prosecutor thar she eae er wh im the that she i withdrawing the sae Tm del stfu for this resoluon the charge aceite me tha remains unconvinced thar sil a serible act of violence, fe that! acted alone in this natenroene ey sonnae anos connects tee ite forme me are de ae es tinmip kon hares 8 BE ar io has sugested that someone may have spiked my dene vould explain the violence, P Ptked my drink, which 8 © anther human ‘which the int We are probed on a "AB0. One ofthe sn ei of oe {868 drop the charges on ck Queen up and di signed courtoom we epg onto ter weve ou wih slate ct Hoge luQueneminsinwithbetand at pronset es eet sels hackon heft. ofcourse, am willngee deo ‘odo ant espe and deeper nde from Kiwis da rl ed sonido Inlip ig 0 Klee Sead ct Quo the ane ou rolncaone 30a week on pr dake og ee mts shen tpn of ca ‘Grher than Tando, my famit a ley close fend Let ‘fom PE. manage ly has no clue as to what i going Nees ay best she ean tobe a pillar to show a brave fice a work cachnde tbee yan ill wih ea a the dea of anyone discovering wh sing om ny al ie Tse nto Chstin churches for most of my childhood, ener blcved in, nor wanted 0 explore, the diferent dy re tare, Although Queenie and have resolved our sues tan osu 2 persent get find ot har the content ery roe Seal up bot, now tucked safely away in cup Tannot make peace with whats happenedy and 1 spend teas sing and turing, wondering how 1 have goto ane ether dere could have Been more sinister elem fin. end eamsof iterate searching for an answes ally get hold ofan cldety lady inthe nearby se Doon ho agrees ro come to my house and help me figure hue happened few wosks ae pick her up eaty one Sat Tremaine As we enter the font Joos, she rows deathly ee tom room cocoon and although is chilly wi T anewe tn beads of seat forming om her forehead 1 Kept and herbs, Immediately she tls met “Town, She opens the ty bottle and carefully sis th She looks wpa. he shakes er head and, without tetks outside and paces up and down the back Mehunsto the house and sits down beside me on th vd delicately, she begs speak She ells me tha fs very heavy auras one plagued by darkness. ‘She pins tothe sny bore and declares it ei She sev, mst have Been instrcted 10 we i tel hings that have happened tha make che my ack stand on end, things she can't possibly Shoot There an urgency to her woke when shel fo break things off with Queenie immediately b ‘he not ere mabicios, she i carrying out the ‘of semeame ho She has ben drawn in too deep rox of dragng me down vet he. ask hee rot ere what 1 dl to Queenie on shat fat then ls me something that pumps reso throu tells me that a "body mamber wo" has engulfed sed thong = hat why Pane netted bythe fetta ned MB ks, She cxlans tht «shape dhe cenan tmpesing pricey et Yel dona atm ho sopra {oho Inv ed abot the ude ed ‘paths, bt La tse wate a hr fins oe happen? My world ont nom het eto fete notion of clon and spinal Me Dentro topcase sue ny home though a talon ery (a mba ton! et ad se valk Uae omer ae ae reat alll scons Hota ld md he Beg thn ances iteretion- my ey SS ote herrea ae Sands mio arin the otek: Throne epee esata ‘ied shes hey roumed ic enh nbecea ee ad she me that this role contin inthe fel Sea ‘ii tha should ry to enna mh en et 9 body on the invite ya ony that nly The lowing 90 gh Tine pre scimitar pc Wh ck le eae cing wl Quan ‘vnc nw Ta bet eb -yroging to keep the faith, bacehing to believe that 1am an oi “ee op fein i eer ing ay nemo wah cig ~ ‘consulting with my new spirit guide. oe lng Iake ie tcona tan Mae hl be sing Bl ope ner vam enue when Aan and Un pt sng Om the Std, fw dese tage ar cay dey pt pe deed *« vs My a pe a pe cemany ole the cramp one mLunds Mabenge and eating white samp and fresh bbrew intended to ring them closer mien edi creme ree tem te mt da there are constant hissing sounds throughout the night. At na Arb iecdly dees beigageogenn ond ee eae oleae fej aeinconscemcring rma hited by ough indy. My ray FY Tee: One dee me aboat the dagen ey round the same tr lescribing the “unscrpaloy, the Beauty of Flat sen mamer of lat surgzons fade by the che i chy pneu neve bt de m9 at ha Thm conse back 208. Fe ada personally present mycaserothe decision makers sate the event that they need further justification as ss esa king rnd mail poh Py Kv commment and pasion. He pend sam he phone whe and repo em cate send the apt he tal motivation, which cludes the ltrs serena, paste srgens, pacha and gaa wo ese an ah appa Hat Fn Pate rebut he cere mph how a. To ton fre, Hack down Bt Schr seated a senor potion atthe Unrest of en Cie and eqs that she sits witha Ie of se ptkctcrmprohe oceans Weleda aero nds of eingeach oe eal ino an mae cht neni oppo tebe ef Ay 201, subiten all mtaion hone and begin the ong wi A few weeks De 1 Rome adng that my fequst has Bren decline nha evel i a: ‘saeSmeg tm unde ate our month late. late October 2014, a “gener censignmentsrgeny i 8 ache exchion - thar evening | speak 10 Quen, who encourages me ct rote Academic Hopital ors dot el the {Eve another shot. Before dong son desperation | contac Ifo bey paste sagen. We hve walled ong pS me admaniraor telephonically and inform her tht wil ‘ete and Lam eta: Ll anyone and eveyone ne ‘Gb themueaton again and that my past surgeon, Key (ier at my easton nd hr ag ‘Adams wing make presenations on why 1 ace has taken leave to accompany mew hee mr wen ea «Shar crs under the Bed ia embarmene na She rectum wellbeing It 38 though gh bulb = omen Teaches on she knows Kevin She tells me he wil coma (te ald ght-bd mle ward tedaag oer Je gstemen willbe the pleasure of hang thet “rectly with orther questions. all. tiny streak of hope though the dark clouds. The phone cal begins a seis of ap nex ew rights. When Kevin acres ater she thar spark a vested serest in my case by the scheme’ Slike dinous dor with wo ras. Lam excncdtereet ey sees Tam eqused cons with a Ryaaecologe, he wi ‘oer Tam headed rove frhr iit he procedre | wil ned “New ea anda ova peferably ina no-invaive manne. oa insta “Reread a wl ever be, do.” shale al he required document, hoping wth ech cick “Ae shold te good too within the nex half houc® dhe sen bution, that fam ting close he goal post. ‘here hetre crew picks me up and wheel me o hea "Rong acon cold moi n June 2014, the wath sr ealealpeteed Unity taceyiamagenet ones comes toa end when | pen yea Der Landa the ad ‘eta tsi a moment tha wil go down in hore: Tea fa approwed your ex rata applcton for sural. ‘Eitaoen ansgender mann South Aca who bay cosootah based om gender alignment. ret pacal axl 0 fund gender-ealipnment peocedun e Teaw ary contin my excites. 1 eap fom my de at Seager Cline | can sop aioe aboot bow ae snk ad un ove Pris ce inform er ofthe slr #3 “fk you" tall the ther med thar Tae She has teen my mow tuted soppoter a work sine ikea prcgnc eo aes pcbour epee epseees save my Brees our fem wheced in, Queenie nape a couple of pce w te Si tesoa pps frou! kw you wee going gets done, Sy Solely the blade hI emp fat fer mie “The moment in id my ye om ou 8 your ed velvet Haze conta nother ak Aiton they ot seat, peg Inc shore was srething pric special about you." traskz resp | vhisps 0 onl persesksecind- asec Sens bah ont ears make ell to Queenie, who ‘Seer andthe univene to wl wth me coups canon We hive ben tying eknde ou rats te lene tha roped over Ester contin ° Tidgrounds andthe good news a macheded hope that helps us to shelve all she bad memories |uske up fom whar seems ke a fve-minute power nap and, ‘sha di, instinctively ease my hands rowards my ches 10 ‘soy ae stl here. They'e gone. I's Mat! A eecnery nurse yobs with beaming smile and asks me how I fel. Hock am ber ees “They're gone” momenae Texpenence ny frst real oy in months when 1 leer t all my doctor, with an argent ples or te fi Sonne date forthe emaval of my tedious taba i—_— ae oe srt hedges ein ae re a eee nian eee ace oo ° “Two weeks loc fatcheted and sling I stroll ino the UCT Prvate Academic Hospital fr my second procedure and make my thay tothe evepion area where [out the paper wook. The Trendiy recepoonst mak al tthe male ward to conf my ted number She deny foks concerned and ells me se eed to double check the actual procedure wth the relevant dot there seems to bea mistake om the spster, Mistake? She tne that | hive been asigaed gynaecological pra ‘ary thar impossible beause Fm a al. Hh her thr tet sn eco = that this is indeed she nok in for. She repeats ball —a soca laparoscope hysterectomy.” nner jrpucedore fam Booked under Dr Femi Olaoguns ce abenge pleas peak athe iter “ oe Seto che smal bathroom, a eh apres eee eer aren oe einen ”Lando bierge to ensure all vital ar inorder. The procedure io sa eed magne ofthe events ofthe pst ew weeks, Teannotemember thelist Hine ve bens happy ‘When I'm ally wheeled ino shear or my second toy monty the same crew a 4 frtipht prevouy|ei real regu. The paroncopc procedure which comple ns invasive and wil lave no vibe sar goes acording to plar Take up fe hour tec and, unlike my doable matey, which is still in the process of healing, there are no outward Ses of my operation. 1 arm asred that eveything ha gine tell and that I wl s00n be on my way home for tenet go Iny recovery: | had already stoped menstruating fe ens, ‘within a month or two of starting to take testosterone, Now [ Tin aboluely guaranteed that wil neve bled agin. Later at feuremely vlaerable when the nutes on day have SRLS Seay Sear an! tre me dow ie at ame imo sesemcoilam anaopate fy cance ohave my genital surgery. They, however, correctly refer tomes eta, Fan ule the world and elebrate i whatever way MeNtsbenge and eat me with such are and respect hat dae Jip Ornpotent, with unlimited power ~ godlike even totaly poe say esti them, 20d ough know that hey mig cr He throw myself fle toto party mode, diking rely aap char Lam ging throb hey chose wo se ad [pS ing msl that ths al abou tons my new ‘Sve me asthe ma rly am nd afd me that iy rT aart moving in cles I know ae not god fr ma, ‘Qoeane pele me o the following moran When ge home seo spend cops amounts living the high lif, pening am Sonne, am title. Ar the follow-pappoienen a we vremuming ete of seul expenive akeohol inns agente aller and amallact ake on ean ray sale ternysugie redone I ep bo obec about the fas Lond My dy has ben throng Mle-hangng sees uatnimy lve Ie ha taken. Although Ua ely gratfal for reek Teens safely and wan dhe wees im ik {tan telpm geting me on her medical id aed walking ths ‘tMoak The world smy ose But wllson does keer, rere kg wth ree, {have boson increasing uncomfortable ‘faring too doe tothe unc be Gano cr iclinonsbip. Isl feel she has lor of explaining to do tor ter amesaljourey, che one that 50 deeply Sted camp, and whether she el vested in becoming a toms What do know i that Iam lange in love with nen nthe el with the medi ai | fel obliged to ihr am allt aware hit, as much ab Tam celebating slo at Rome Tam ning eth sHIRTY When Love Turns to AshSo, 281 try 10 eseape the Fel problems hee telenlesly. Most weckends we return home in the cant 2 the ery ray ne seeof acs cof the morning and try not to engage in any diak walks halogue antl ng she was eying to convince he to return, he etalisey ‘no violent episodes ever erupt between us again. Whene ‘elling me eve a hn of tion or dvaticon with erin ok ante Mor, allow her to walle away. some distance herwcen us: my hands behind my back Somer anasbee words triggered something extremely painfal Siecutttesiccieae and feeling. ee pocorn alate ne ee is ae Tae (oe sen re 2 wth soe inl Ter ceuely as ei somthing exerting ens that 12m on he vr Ts too ve ne dak mie esp 8 Tock myself n the hous, drenched in my hatred for and down the house, ‘fore sober up the mare pace se mysel tht ths pli nothing but a gol dace who Mejor che past ro Year, placing ay be in danger by ad dangerous forces ofthe underworld nto reo I never knew existed before I met het. lam torn up "ered farther bythe year of crc fom my ehldhood ashes of The Mothee’s hateful sick. Selhatred ‘What fool ve been to belive that U could be Teup replaying events ofthe past year with Queenie and he Se ee tne ele ease he ee eee ees aes tral Hames. I survey the raging furnace of fabric and, "vent Hit my head towards the heaven, thanking The lov my predetermined fate. have proved her right am ol but I wl go down ich my head hel high. IsLunsetbenge notion, however, bor my rgeindce courage een ‘ely and anguish as Quoc waco wrehccd ik ot elaonshp~ ssh ht ey do me Tin Fede vamp reso fig {Queers he nest ring wth ono ch elon Sh has ot sen her empy cated srt blacked planned wih wh utile Sheba thr she wat sting or od with me and haa tom over ler bath ahs rs ayo “poor boy soc na womans body ed kas ely sae ee she fcr forme. When ink her har hay bd othe a aas wo be cl fen reer sala ea ‘hare oem The Moth’, aroun “Ted you hee hater isa nue” And with ati they oe Ter prog words cot me the ba, aw fed the che fy lone touch he ar ny a throbbing alge tack tsa wate esl pred Teal Len PE and inform rf what have dove “Mabenr, I think you ave ached avery low pan your ie, Yo nd otk Simeon o snk hb. Thre a vd a ooconsamty scm obeying fil with women hoe dea {oon theo ry istead of our Beno” Novem atin Cape Town, ater tha a, ese ac trom my long Ine Than ho ago df whats ‘Sppened he bg et ge he hen aves ai ine sa of pani “Cm hat appenel {Stone rg sf and ey the eve of the ps mo yess ping her 2 Blow ow aceran OF the aos TEC FRTisoeenanged el er Thave moray tanta wre tacQuenc lsuceednbaving eae odoin cgi Tand doc hol ack nd am in noe dahon ze, over the years [have tried to steer you away from hs melo fn our co women ued onthe a tenn nthe apg ass with OO tematin ox pet tne geting t0 keow and, #8 your fread, we ar est pick the pecs with you had aed ie < Sea bfoe commiting erst Twas the one whe «Gar therm thes place. 1 would ever have ellowed te relatonshp, especially given your extreme wed oy want Tan ows my we nig a sete be fc or Chena on of wou you need to cate that you have @ unique sou, oe ate pa socket hoe 0 ou pag i ring your fous hack you ad edscover the vison eee al for your i.” J came te eral cient mainte eevee Melee She lclee eine h i geen | ie pn Ue Scaling lan een Ee teant tak ent tones ae nite tv hehe ee Se interna ec oir wast am bs figlad Chin a Le ol cae Feat on eal a mek mrtg Ave oy my elmer Siar! iar ieaatiagh Ss Sheena ed op ee ee qa caer eared ae a ape vise | Gel te natasha on th nina ppg foo 1aaa land Maton cep ete Seaseiw olen co eae of misey onto Than ouch and become hea a a ‘whom she tends with great dal of ove and companion fa? Pavone spa ate Pipers cine oon oa ae Societe hnlogcrmae se Spe of my cans he ea a a thin enh daly Se coe Ser eae oer ad fnkd/ docu area Se mate na roo ee widen eae oo rae Soe co aiapel inc ae peleeioe oe Slintwoas cere RTY-ONE THE Operation Landa songs my grandmother —i particular the advice 10 “shy reel company” a8 diss “the devils workshop”. The A ep eartieeacnaeeoetongee ured wee eeena ange eh tel ts Sirti cn san (ata ip pollo eoc nee anc ee nth am ig el archaic but yOu Kaow Better than to mvs n doe urs to exist i, Stop being your own worse Pec in ee a that I fear that the pain will consume me. psi eo ed the re # ee dt hve bone ee eat hs le dy and ee eee ae ee Sn en thse cea fade way bck vo rnyel rumble cou The Aref Hapa si sania args oe Fling exis When Perera tary pemree 4 - caf eco) an whee ind myn clpewed by sins “ight vow aie icy ce sete tat only al achievement has Ben geting the oe ee py fo ny sree, bu tha ok news. Thee teen hich eal thebesteipnent ened Se a happiness” It reaches me dept my 0 Thain tine ce ca ron rads ‘rave en ising my whole - comple hap si Te pred and Seed he te yeas aay. Tany mal oy meen oa el turd a mg remain rood the shame of 1 ded once agin to tom t0 Une JS an bepn sie tan fv ch Scns 0 have Boe rd ukehowe comerasons ding which he enter ot i he ogsonerson ith Uc in which aoa Fa caack the reasons for my shattered ear, Thave never the Fragmented pices of myself together bt by bi In beeen Sclysock ne cant ih omens ad ne ase restora Beyond tel wo, ‘adoos co bolster my fragile slfonfidence- We work on seep ‘tiakinogh there has only been ane incident of such magnified carb the onslaught of resentment and come up with ways et my clans have ended on lssthan-ideal ers nour that Tae no ile moments hat wl ust me back in ura fr you fo gett know person before making he dak hole Lam working sorely to craw out of Lat eps to move i with them, mesa, and thar can take up ro Jhve developed an lost hiring obsession wit wanting to. fiers Uaele JS advice makes me eink long and hard. My thy same and nding posible reasons eo explain what happened ed shows that I sully move in with a lover within two (n thor fateful right when I atacked Queen The oe eso mecag them. ii ne i challenging ne co fad out more abou the dares of Thcumireonerations withy fend Lethe whois therefor the spine work but Uncle JS guides me wih his sage wick oy ag I ar through the loneliness that comes with ‘hellcton an heartbreak One Saturday morning, waking up encouraing mero make only posit choies “The spectrum o if comprised of lemens of good and Svan bas ey ean head from ny illo, wondering | ‘A porn randero chore whch to investi. ean never i hr nl mike through the sence of another weekend of Being ‘that you have gone through of tll rou 2 figment of Ue saves What oie noe from Leth “Ingiaton. There are certain shings we cannot quantify hua loses your ariel ie a woman wit child, pregnant {eum tthey occur the spt eal, which, 0, mad evi rust you will henceforth choose good, as nti eves in exe care from ei.” shew Me that will magically find sway inco the dying 7Lunde ee Yai be boragcin nloveand youll con re the world witb ane freedom: vs “Like ebay finding hr ft, om ll come to fotiag wn yon treed os fast sted as great asa gaunt sep fread When you aeake i the warmth of love's wns, tha strane farsaraty you wl fel wl se arm tat yo ltr cried whe yor lng ened You willbe born again lve and al be wounds of pas sors that once stained your ber wil liked aay ‘ur pa wll lange bee post of reference tobe ed sam excuse 0 hide yourself from ove. Youu come ro acknowledge every hor you bev ener lad yon fot om every fog yo have ve ised ad every teary have cr tasted as mtborg me ob ho bad euroy to feed Although shes not wren the poem specially formesherwerde ome a cacy te ght tne, when Tae eathe rck Boo ‘dewey pt of soul when he pas have ended has aly made open and ale en ply the vice nore epee tuloncel hive transnbed ont paper Then abr te word, and apping them rom hfe very pfu step Thave wali has ten prt of my yume find he lowe fel Tread of weing nel 2c a blaming the peopl who have hart mes now sc he huge amount of pin ad damage fe cad athe Ives of thers Teale how tavesaborased thy own progres, Row Tve neglected the advice of my doses ‘Tho warned me time and tme again not co indle resi vr Slchol I confone how great role alcohol has played i the realm of my rlanonships, howe have asd 0 nan be pu of sbandonment hpi 0 fila vid when hogs 6 ONE Inthe mates of the bart Tr ack tomy ested rend Google and earch: hoe eb theurge to dak when desing wth depession and ange 1 howe Aksholis, Anonymous (AA), an aneeational Me sonnel 2 ema thre m0 Wah Tam an kobe yo baa assistance from anyone, soar pe iets Sar desc pos rome ofthe tometer ve cting the Mlnerton Methods church net t00 sf ne and end my st meting towards thee es At walk tothe crc hal wth about diy i fe of in age and am rend of 20.7e an "Te only same having shame when you teow yu ned Bele” etn lay wees ead ites eo it nes 0 esate am ak erogont he st meeting ne Spyro asrhy tec themes as analcohobe are icaker ae abo people who have ot hei childen, ven ter homes to acobol. How wha begin 2 soa seein a mhumare, often driving the alehote othe wi) sce, Mast of the ‘confeons are about the need 10 Jena te iaiay to stay sober even for an howe a day. 1 he ming tor a even more uncer about whether (Solbcedapnow at am akohole or nt, What do know st kame Tal wet sek conte! from Uncle JS on this one, This soon |e doom my own 1 beg wesning myself tne a fd wae fl my days contin going 0 only to est what oud ie in store for me do not “ivan mc arid hy the courage oF these ‘nonin deos nin deta a on "ons Thigh neg ler hw to desi he ro laa has become my erutch, e ~vmumbsat eThave gine the nigh need wo get 9ied Lands Mabenge anylife back on rack and stop attending AA meetings johids aly o nwinds'a gasr of wine bere and thei and have long cre parted ways with my once trusted confidant, Smimoff 1818, But I have learned a Jot about seeing: myself clearly without the blinkers of blame and denial. And when I accept my part in my sown downfall, [experience an unexpected lightening of my soul 190neetings. I now, PHT Rate Loving Landa pene 20160 in a inspired fly inmers myelin sy the un to Landa: drawing up a plan to figure out the ite 2pm continue to dcater my mind ofall the cruel od hefl thoughts Ihave about myself, to unlearn everything ave been condicioned © believe. I know I have to empty my shat 1 ca fil it with porpose and seflove, and since relationships are the place where I struggle most, I take Uncle JS’s ie and decide C0 sTaY 02 from all romantic relationships, Jd work instead on finding healthier ways to bolster myself. met realise 00, that its not only alcohol P've been using ven mel comfort eating has aso been my fix. The craving, ie ave, for KFC, McDonald’, deep-fried snock and slap chips has me weighing a whopping 108 kilograms. I have truly kr myself go. Between drinking and over-eating, combined with the unmonitored testosterone injections, I resemble an inflated tulloon, So I swallow my pride, join the Century City Athletics hi.and am soon a regular at the Saturday-morning 10-kilometre rues across Cape Town. And the more Iran, the more I peel away tte layers of shame and unwanted body fat. When I’m out on the ‘oul te car beneath my feet, I connect with my mind as it drifts ‘»yordsundscovered and ind myself plotting out my new life. mind 191stg to morn andy Mertens ih a yn grr of i plu gy onl Ag rn edt 0 aly eo mts mn " ae eb tat Te saad jatar oP for fhe Ae nds of th county Whe vec wh amoing eon, Ore vy Cece £5200 aril ie resie “pad travel to Mthatha for 3 Son down to 88 hlograms. My ita ood pres nse po fh wl comet of sarees fue teu ei Shoe changes, € now becomes clad ae oe ofthe et that ny day fs wh Feel forth psteigheen months 28 asian! did Si pe Goreamens Health Department. 1 ptm my ties wth my ees fo Tl force ne dea RE tan ped the est wo months Ss the child who was hos wet abused he pesnt halen ht tpl ye mo fou age of ven, the 120 who 28 he wounds andthe new lf who 1 08 ‘rormatnc love for de self and cers For the Bis ere aah hve some, tapped in my on pe a Serie rinses some of my mein he serve f ec one ht to at see ur ncn rors Hh. 01 0 ith SAS You ee ca Sime rab re pce a ce opnag eng episerepntcinen a ec gne ME 8 ew sms of uP a : Sa aetna pega epee ed a ray anasto Mier advocacy space, and in September of 2016.1 x rare ant Nc Cent Sees cc sr Seo roe a ner oo gn anni} ere “instore se se mice tym ts tr ce tn ae wh pe rata te restctions oF 2 day job, tow immerse myself in Se arse hee om ren techy i ns an Mtb Nae ean ad Aan po yar of ene arr one ests wc he two omen of male nd do dace at tno epics a et ape ho een ep sore een he two or a gy Sri onl ofcloilism, with valent male ‘nro ce Shmnstive ptnarchal peacties. Lam particulaey impees : larly impressed ‘authors ~ Sobonfa Somé and Malidoma Patrice Son sins Foy who impire ie me 40 explore the intimate we piel gender and tel vnal African context. a eae the calendar ticks over to January 2017 1 am amazeda hcoe ngs iy eee oe a ere ee Vik toe A eS Maker ns ee area en a eee eee vs St ot mr te ce oe Mas go ncccnt anes Beers es RS inceerceic ny evans ees ne oneal Se anna ee ee eee ‘While my les Hoxoming in new directions, thee isthe ie allout wth some of ay ings in my imma fami, “By concentrating on mei Dem ease remove ysl rom the af obgions ence had. The ings Lonce was tained 0 seep accse mc of being slish, Buc ths me I manager keep wey oudaries and accep chat, jst ke me they ae ins of a ds an excered to rate an imbalance a hierarchy “Thong hire who came from the same womb T rearnas simmering my a motvannal videos tat all have common mesage im order t erly engage i and be of panto oer. must is fx up mysell Han no kong afford to put Landa second Timonth afer my Handel's Messiah singing debut Leen » recor coining that Uhave been selected forthe 2017 Mao Wrshngrom Fellowship. out of 64 000 applicans aro dhe Nocan continent. 1 wil be part ofa coningent of «showed ‘ator Nan leaders, ting of to the United Staves of Amen Tor at weeks berween June and Agus 2017. Fi a ee nderp sso mpc anh cing Oh on aa agen tectrntameterton 4 ee ripeness o ee ere ct ch onteaainel nat Beate ce cenpllleins seneat y asa fate jrrtglomieetertrns tele row bow dgticue his creme Fee ro belgie ppv inthe tard tance apis: ara sk Lonnie ov CD . _cmlparm arntiarapeenmntt jist hd tevevrbede ids brane ee ae eee peariapnn TTR Bec etree i seca pc her enc as ani oles eage do toe target equate te Steen ne cepedeuemeeare casuals hon saeeguentoat 2 iriendosecepeaniciadamacaeeaeds “Tie mein sence, knowing that iis time to once agin my nl arp back the ab fmm eg (sal Eno Til havea lng journey to travel : ivf the AA meetings have atended, trying to measure «cof ako U have diagnosed for mysele. Although hc have grossly abuse liguor and used i asa crue, "hs ely een evading isthe mammoth evil th : il hai anger. no the night, wonder whether {wll ever cross pathe i gan. have a deep desire to finda way to connect EEound purpose om this eat ; ge earn the US ewe 2017 1 oe ea ap ene 0 euch teem ofthe ae wsdor has pit IE 0 Ft an agents stat His Holmen wl il health, although dsappoweed, 1 ions hosted by the Mind fy, Ws hea aed ve 60 ce el Satan ge ene — ry evoking, PEPEYES, rerweaving the areas of at he sate lene cite xn pte 2 Pog om the work that do pee {el humbled robe of service and ca re of the sont compassionate word oe oe eect Cl sh bre we on “i rom he com te ea Tre ert hon fm oe tt ree Seth ty mnt ah sts hal smi No lace frie vr see we fm ume ‘llows while lapping up life-enhancing | tas been mapped o8t ong before 1 came into being, The lesson ews ded se hens whe Tn ae she ve: wha os wa eappoimmen fers ca tr nan a gs And ht ea F RAPES Ses Svs ed up 0 ist wy the moors otk ee ern academia, busines and pol Se her are free fed when wie Sepa aed he uu SSS realy and Human with His Ho ona ws ook Te At of Happiness oT tye ick up the pss of my 17ch of my ile aden hollow sion a bee whiting, de am epy ean | have existed inthe “reams” hide rei ase picket fences of suburbia where Iwas ane 19 ra fe my forprnt on earth was Hed to inerable fare nd the raps entended for dogs driven by pigs of Tesconiess, hangover Ie, no knowing hnamisof my bloga contro has outright eyed the Beau of have sala hmgee Ihave Lied 2 te understanding what the trol iki. a weld hat eeween the indoctnated conventions of wh spectrum ba es ‘rode ad sexuality ought ro Took Uke Ther i along the- modest duty set of any Ncambedlana, Matha tha aly fond msl eis within Aaah love recived there thar Ihave learned © embrace rary =o ace, change ae finally accep ysl for wh. reese: Ie thn the warm of my ealy childhood homes, rari erurned im 2001, whee I found the rool I needed vice msl tack ster, nd dicover he passions that at resonated witha my sou ander how, as spit, 1 made the decision hoe The Parems [landed up with. 1 reflect on thi of ‘Menptcable fost sapres and break re and 1 wonder if ‘Jon had speci itensons when heel placed me with them someties ‘ona sg re here dd vcr imaged I would he where ae ek red by the underlying pulse of ne anaret remy lie All hese elena se cies teacher Wendy Rossouw, who always macrenael Fiat by Semple aa En scone ck tm ow ater 1 spt Udi choose my hot on Tee meted msl ot ate incr pin andy own ty on neta oad Hi awn do beter ehup ape hs cer ala aes athe ac at am Alon hey Tn Ser a aml ey hope Bon dg ‘ecto ha La mark m progr and there a mes when aes on pt onc, Whence ae 0 wo ial 1am reminded of bow Blnkered and i see baci ar, Wives ten area eee tor tnd who I es my genial ae what af ‘ysl eh purpose Whatever hehe mae sti tera chose srl a by co eminem Tha alway een, ete tray greet non, tough al the pai, vel rite ii beng ies eneae te bey veel sth importance of identity and selflove, Whatever sense anime eng my Body have een ine ro make i en eth arto by some and cure rio by. a reat ask Ti eer oer oe alr ate Seacaal waneetece totes eeeestay ee ee Ege ele a et bose! —i een rougher than had imagined would forade onal the people and Spun that have flaber Melinds Ferguson and her publishing imprint rMber, Thank you for having. me a Bll and fr s eomeel into the birthing of Becoming Him. Lam fe workshops Itended at your home the le houts you ave gatful forthe writing ee nh and early mornings, and the end sae ee aca ds booklet onthe past coupe of months and ‘ny blessings, count you rie. Medi, especialy BY Ampere ha been a guiding compass a al mes, 3 whenctr I count "Thank you ro the team at Jaan reer Thank you for saving my Te Nena jana, the love of ry life, Thank yo for Yost seamlen pavencetvoughout the wring ofthis book. Yous earner wih te darkness at times and Kept reminding me focus onthe light. Thank you lover yam. “The lina cam a the Transgender Clinic at Groote Schaar Hopital the Tangle Proc and che Brothers who walked thi Fray with ne daring my eal days (Robert, Tebogo and Yo ‘Tank you forthe milestones you have helped me achieve “Phe frends 1 met aod got to know during my rime 3 Pot To Birgit ash pil Ya Mae) ay Fe creation lor low jena pee ep ie ‘et ents Tt - sal thank you tothe ce ssi hah yt the eh ee Wm wpe ord y dahon at a pe eee genre me ph we walked rgether. Thank you eo siteg eet citer ea a tne hore are 100 Many t0 mention, | especa ar Thoth ae te Wayne, Bronwyn and ant iit, Nolo Malthine and’ my dem, He Janda, Loys0 Manda, Onkgopese Moshi, Jou eal Maranon Ree om et far oar net rence 20nd frendshp. Sat ay one Led Mahombeaa (eth) and-Thand Tog the way YO dos an see rT yea bare oy ped ER Hin nye pec tk you eben si la Nang (oh oer ek ‘aoa Montshiv : si ie Tia CT) and Labybo Sthol and thei im matng ner me sd youn av he 2017 Mande Wshingoy obec of ct ly my ie Preeti! Pine amy. You vi Aes br race i be cools? far ore ‘ils pons Te Nemes fs who have be nee my wt A pei thank yout he ean, Noa, ae tlt thio, Tohanda, pba, Sof, Racy, isu Noni, Nviban, Mids Menge and’ Gnilog nud nt have any occ comunity to call my ov m td. To my grandee John. wed Olga Daren Ms Thank yo fo ing birth tome droog cee To wc John Senbie Danan, hi wit aed oldeLanda Mabenge shildeen, to aunt Paiswa Pumla Danana and her beautify) so, voy uncles Vive Songo Danana and Feza Danana and ny a Tiziwe Matori and Cikizwa Danana, Words could never aan sow gratefl Tam to have all of you as my home. “To my extended family, cousins and my half siblings Ling, Nezamela and Loyiso Jekubeni and their children. Thank you ‘To my brother Mncedi Mabenge. We made it my guy. [oye you. Finally, to the woman who cradled me in her arms when | was day old. To the one who crossed the Kei bridge with me when Iss two days old. To the mother who sacrificed her life and made sure that I mattered. To the heart that continues to resonate within the folds of my being, To my everything, To Nomha Vayelwa Danana, my Ma. Thank you for loving me so selflessly without expectation ‘Thank you for giving me the best years of my childhood and the best of you. I will always love you. 202