Alice in Wonderland – Pantooooo

Music Cue – Pre-Show Playlist

House Lights OFF

Stage Lights – White

Prologue (Front of Tabs)

TABS OPEN

(Mr Coup enters.)

Coup – Good afternoon/evening everybody. I said…good afternoon/evening everybody. Much better. My

(Mr Schadenfreude comes out of the trap door with his hands tied and mouth covered with gaffa tape.
Someone enters to try and push him back in.)

Coup – Nothing to see here ladies and gentlemen. (Offstage) Close the curtains.

TABS CLOSE

Coup – Anyway, moving on. Before the show starts, I need to give a few safety announcements. Firstly, the
emergency exits are here, here and here. Ooh, I feel just like an air hostess. Actually, I know a flight attendant
who recently passed away. I thought it was sudden. But actually, she was terminally ill. That’s the level guys.
We also ask that you turn off all mobile phones and that no photo or video recording is taken during the show,
this is for the safety of the performers. And the safety of your phones, some of them might break your
cameras. So just to be safe, turn them off and leave them in your bag for the duration of the show. The toilets
are at the back if you need them. Actually, the word toilet reminds me of the time I had a dyslexic estate agent
selling my house. People were peeing in my front yard for months. Finally, the show is about 2 and a half hours
including a 15 minute interval where you will be able to enter our charity raffle. There’s no joke for that one,
it’s just true. Now we’ve become known for adding a little bit of a twist to our shows. So, this year, I’ve decided
that we’re going to play a game of…PANTO BINGOOOOO! As you came in, you should have been given a 9
square bingo sheet and a pen. Your task is, during the show, whenever a number is said. If you’ve got it on
your sheet, then go ahead and tick it off. There’s no prizes for lines or diagonals, we are just looking for a full
house. And when you’ve ticked off all the numbers on the sheet, stand up and shout…PANTOOOOOO! Now,
you really need to make sure that you are listening carefully at all times for numbers, in fact, I’ve already said
3, oops there’s another, but if you’ve missed any of those, they are going to be repeated in the show. So, that’s
all from me for now, so sit back, relax. And enjoy the show!

(He exits.)

Music Cue – Overture (MP3)

Scene 1 – The Riverbank

TABS OPEN

Headset 1 ON – Alice

Headset 2 ON – Scarlett

Music Cue – When Will My Life Begin

Lighting Cue – Yellow

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(The tabs open to reveal Alice and Scarlett. Scarlett has a book in her hand. Alice has a phone.)

Alice:

7 AM, the usual morning line-up:

Start on the chores and sweep 'til the floor's all clean.

Polish and wax, do laundry, and mop and shine up.

Sweep again, and by then, it's like 7:15.

Scarlett:

That’s while I read a book or maybe two or three.

I'll add a few new paintings to my gallery.

I'll play guitar and knit, and cook and,

Both:

Basically,

Just wonder when will my life begin?

Then after lunch it's puzzles and darts, and baking.

Papier-mâché, a bit of ballet and chess.

Pottery and ventriloquy, candle making.

Then I'll stretch, maybe sketch.

Take a climb, sew a dress!

Scarlett:

And I'll re-read the books if I have time to spare.

I'll paint the walls some more, I'm sure there's room somewhere.

Alice:

And then I'll brush and brush, and brush and brush my hair.

Stuck in the same place I've always been.

Both:

And I'll keep wonderin' and wonderin', and wonderin', and wonderin'

When will my life begin?

Alice:

Every night when the stars appear.

I wonder if life is more fun up there.

What is it like out there where they glow?

Now that I'm older, I just want to go.

(Scarlett sits down and reads her book. Alice goes on her phone for a while before beginning her narration.)

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Lighting Cue – White

Alice – (To Audience) Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having
nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or
conversations in it. (To Scarlett) Scarlett, what is the use of a book without pictures or conversation?

Scarlett – Books are the only thing that I have to escape from my dull life.

Alice – I guess it is better than just sitting here.

(Alice’s Mum and Dad enter.)

Dad – Ah, Alice, Scarlett, just the people we were looking for.

Mum – We’ve just had the most amazing idea!

Dad – Okay, hear us out. Get ready for 2 little ducks, that’s 22 – because we’re going to the bingo!

Mum – How amazing does that sound?

Alice – (Sarcastically) Yeah, so amazing.

Scarlett – Is it alright if I just stay here and read?

Dad – I mean if you’re sure, but you’ll miss out on all the fun.

Alice – If she’s staying, can I stay with her?

Mum – Are you sure, Ally? You’re still only little. And I’ll buy you some sweets at the end if you come.

Alice – Mum, I’m 14. Stop treating me like a baby.

Dad – You’re such a teenager.

Scarlett – We’ll be fine. I’ll look after her.

Mum – Well, okay then. Alice, be good for your sister.

Alice – Don’t worry I will.

Scarlett – Now you two go and have some fun.

Dad – Alright, see you later guys.

Mum – Let’s go!

Both – (Rhythmically) Bingo, Bingo, Bingo. Bingo, Bingo, Bingo.

(They exit.)

Alice – Sooooooo…what now?

Scarlett – Why don’t you just give this book a go? You might enjoy it.

Alice – I highly doubt that. It’s going to be boring without pictures!

Scarlett – Well that’s why you have to use your imagination.

(Scarlett hands Alice the book.)

Scarlett – Here, take this.

Music Cue – Pure Imagination

Scarlett – Close your eyes. Make a wish. Count to three.

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 Scarlett:

Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure imagination.

Take a look, and you'll see, into your imagination.

We'll begin, with a spin, traveling in, the world of my creation.

What we'll see, will defy, explanation.

If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it.

Anything you want to, do it.

Want to change the world? There's nothing to it.

(During the instrumental, Scarlett hands Alice the book, she keeps pushing it away. Different characters pop
their faces onto the stage, one taps Alice on the shoulder, but she thinks it’s just Scarlett.)

Scarlett:

Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure imagination.

Take a look, and you'll see, into your imagination.

We'll begin, with a spin, traveling in, the world of my creation.

What we'll see, will defy, explanation.

Headset 2 OFF – Scarlett

(Scarlett exits. During the instrumental, different characters from throughout the show appear. We see the
Cheshire Cat, Mad Hatter, Duchess etc. The only characters we cannot see are the White Rabbit and Queen of
Hearts. They all greet Alice in character; give her a twirl or do short dance sequence with her. All are on stage,
Alice sat on steps when we get to singing.)

Ensemble:

If you want to view magic lands.

Close your eyes and you will see one.

Want to be a dreamer, be one.

Anytime you please and please save me one.

(They all exit. Alice is left alone onstage.)

Alice:

Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure imagination.

Being there, you'll be free, if you truly wish to be.

(White Rabbit enters).

Music Cue – A Town Called Malice (A Girl Called Alice)

Headset 2 ON – White Rabbit

Lighting Cue – Pink

TABS CLOSE

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 White Rabbit (Both):

Better stop dreaming of the quiet life, 'cos it's one we'll never know.

And you better keep up and listen, ‘cos there’s lots for me to show.

And...stop apologising for the things you've never done.

'Cos time is short, and life is cruel, but it’s only just begun.

For a girl called Alice.

There so much for me to show you, so I guess we’d better start.

But before that I must warn you watch out for the Queen of Hearts.

And I must welcome you here, you are now a VIP.

At just 14, there is so much more for you to see.

For a girl called Alice, yeah.

(Bah-bah-bah-bah-baba-bah.

Bah-bah-bah-bah-baba-bah, oh.

Bah-bah-bah-bah-baba-bah.

Bah-bah-bah-bah-baba-bah.)

Struggle after struggle, year after year.

But with me beside you, you have nothing left to fear.

Don’t worry Alice, uhuh-yeah!

A mad tea party, or a race by the sea.

Just try and avoid the chop.

To either eat bad soup or hit hedgehogs through hoops.

It's a big decision for a girl called Alice, uhuh-yeah.

TABS OPEN (Projection Cue)

I think that you might just be, the one I’ve been waiting for.

The place that you wanna be is just there right through that door.

There’s so much to explore, I could go on for hours and I probably will.

But your arrival’s amazing still.

It’s a girl called Alice, yeah-uhuh.

It’s a girl called Alice, yeah.

It’s a girl called Alice, uhuh-yeah.

White Rabbit – Right, you’re here, I knew that would be so, there’s no time to waste so come on, let’s go.

Alice – Sorry, wait a minute.

White Rabbit – There’s no time to wait, I’m already late, so just follow me, and all will be great.

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Alice – Who even are you?

White Rabbit – I am the one they call White Rabbit, I work for our gracious queen, but being late is my worst
habit, and when I am so – she gets quite mean. Wonderland’s Ruler, The Queen of Hearts, a name that many
do dread; she is powerful, scary and very good at darts, cross her and it’s OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

Alice – Right, okay, you’re clearly not normal. I’m going to go now – goodbye.

White Rabbit – But you’re the VIP at the Queen’s Garden Party, a celebration of fun and laughter that’s hearty.

Alice – Oh, you must be mistaken. I’m just a girl called Alice. I’m not a/ VIP.

White Rabbit – But now I have to go, but I will be back. I will be there help in any crisis or attack. You guys can
all help, if she’s ever in need – just say these 2 words – and that’s all, I plead. So, while in Wonderland, she
does inhabit. When she needs help, just shout out ‘White Rabbit’. Do you think we should try that? Okay we
shall see, just give it a try on the count, 1, 2, 3. Was that loud enough? I have to say no. Let’s try it again, give it
another go! So, so close, it was almost sublime, to make sure let’s do it, one more time!

Music Cue – One More Time (0:00-0:30 [FADE])

(Hi Viz Madness.)

White Rabbit – Here we go, the third is the charm. What will you shout if there is alarm? That’s perfect,
respect all my bros. I’ll see you all later, for now OFF I GO!

(White Rabbit exits. Alice walks back up towards the stage. Everything for the next scene has been pre-set.)

Headset 2 OFF – White Rabbit

Alice – How curious. It appears I’m in a place named Wonderland. How did I get so far away from the
riverbank? Wait, where’s Scarlett, I wasn’t meant to leave her sight. She’ll be really worried about me. I have
to get back to her before I get into any trouble. But I don’t know where I am.

(Alice goes to the door behind her.)

Alice – Maybe if I go through this door that she sang about. She did say it was too the place that I wanted to
go.

(She tries to open it, but it’s locked.)

Handheld ON – Voice

Alice – It’s locked! I need to find a key.

Voice – Eat me. Eat me.

Alice – How weird, it sounds like that’s coming from that cake.

(She picks up a tiny bite-size muffin.)

Alice – Well I am starving to be fair.

(Alice eats the muffin.)

Lighting Cue – Constant Change of Colours then Back to White

Sound Cue – Merrick Lowell Time Machine Sci-Fi sound FX

(Alice finds a giant cake in her hands and the door grows behind her.)

Alice – Woah, I seem to have shrunk. I must be the size of an ant right now.

(She spots a large key to her side.)

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Alice – A key! Maybe this is the one that opens the door. But how am I going to reach the lock, it’s all the way
up there.

Voice – Drink me. Drink me.

(She finds a giant water bottle [Buxton 2 litre job].)

Alice – Drink me? I mean that cake was rather dry. What do you think guys, should I drink it? (Depends on
answer) Alright then. OR I mean, I really am thirsty. Anyway, what’s the worst that could happen?

(Alice drinks the drink)

Handheld OFF – Voice

Lighting Cue – Constant Change of Colours then Back to White

Sound Cue – Merrick Lowell Time machine Sci-Fi sound FX

(Alice finds a tiny bottle [Radnor fizz size] in her hands and the door shrinks behind her. The key is also now
tiny.)

Alice – I mean it did reverse the effects but maybe too much. I’m massive, there no way I could fit through that
door. Maybe I should eat some more cake, but only a small amount this time?

(Alice eats a tiny crumb of cake.)

Lighting Cue – Constant Change of Colours then Back to White

Sound Cue – Merrick Lowell Time machine Sci-Fi sound FX

(The grows behind her back to normal size, regular stage sized key.)

Alice – Yes! Back to a normal size. Finally, I can get through the door.

(Alice attempts to open the door with the key, but it won’t turn.)

Alice – The key doesn’t even fit! I’m going to be stuck down this stupid rabbit hole forever.

(Alice slumps against the door and begins to sob.)

TABS CLOSE (Projection Cue)

Music Cue – Cry Me A River

Lighting Cue – Dark Blue

Headset 1 OFF – Alice

Scene 2 – The Beach

TABS OPEN

Fade Music

Lighting Cue – Cyan

(Carly Caucus [The Leader], Chris Caucus [The Cowardly One], Charlie Caucus [The Sassy One], Cameron Caucus
[The Smart One], and Dave [The Dumb One] are all warming up on stage – pointing at the body part as they
say it.)

Carly – Head, Shoulders, Knees, Toes, Eyes, Ears, Mouth, Nose.

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Chris – Chin, Cheeks, Arm, Thumb, Legs, Hips, Chest, Tum.

Charlie – Shin, Thigh, Elbow, Biceps, Ankle, Forehead, Neck, Triceps.

Cameron – Cranium, Trachea, Humerous, Tibia, Ulna, Radius, Quadriceps, Fibia.

Dave – Head, Shoulders, Knees, Back, Eyes, Ears, Mouth…

All – DAVE!

Dave – What?

(Alice enters, drying herself off with a towel.)

Chris – (Scared) Who are you?

Alice – Well I’m Alice.

Cameron – A girl called Alice?

Alice – Yes.

Charlie – And where did you come from?

Alice – Well I was born in Tansley.

Charlie – Yeah, yeah. Skip forward a bit.

Alice – Well I was trying to get through a door to go back home. But I couldn’t get through it, and I started
crying and crying and I sort of created a flood which led me here.

Chris – So that’s where all that water came from.

Alice – Yeah, sorry about that, who are all you guys by the way?

Carly – I’m Carly Caucus. I’m the Head of Wonderland’s Legal System.

Chris – I’m Chris Caucus. I’m a therapist.

Charlie – I’m Charlie Caucus. I’m the Owner of Beauty Salon, Wonderglam.

Cameron – I’m Cameron Caucus. I’m a professor at Wonderland Uni.

Dave – (Picking his nose) Uhhhhh, I’m Dave. I’m 37.

Carly – He’s not like the rest of us.

Alice – Caucus? What a bizarre name!

Carly – It’s the family name, from our great, great, great, great, great grandfather, Columbo Caucus – the
inventor of the Caucus Race.

Alice – What’s a Caucus Race?

Carly – Well in the Great Rowsley Flood…of 2019, all us creatures that like to sunbathe by the bank got/

Alice – Oh the bank! That’s where I came from.

Carly – I’m speaking. All us creatures got rather damp during the whole ordeal. So, good old Columbo taught
us of a game he would play during his expeditions where they would all have a running race against each other
to dry themselves off.

Alice – That’s sounds amazing!

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Cameron – How it works is that as we run, we create wind resistance, the more resistance we create, the more
draft current we create, which in turn dries us up quicker. It’s quite interesting, Alfred Wegener argues that/

Charlie – No one cares! That story may be dry, but it ain’t gonna dry us. I always win, I mean of course I do.
(Hair Flick)

Chris – I never win, I’d be too scared too.

Dave – Why are Scandinavians considered to be the best runners across the globe?

Alice – I don’t know.

Dave – Because they start near the Finnish Line. (Comical Laughter)

Charlie – Shut up!

Chris – Stop shouting, it’s scary.

(Everyone begins to bicker and talk over each other.)

Carly – Guys, guys, GUYS! Arguing isn’t going to dry you off, racing is.

Chris – Will you be joining us, Alice?

Cameron – Statistically speaking, you have a high chance of winning.

Charlie – Statistically speaking, no one asked.

Alice – I mean I can’t find the White Rabbit anywhere, so…why not?

Carly – Great stuff. Alright competitors, take your places on the starting line. Three laps of the island, winner
takes all.

Dave – I thought everyone won.

Charlie – Not anymore!

Song – Run Boy Run

Carly – (Between each bell toll) On your marks, get set, go!

All:

Run, boy, run! This world is not made for you.

Run, boy, run! They're trying to catch you.

Run, boy, run! Running is a victory.

Run, boy, run! Beauty lies behind the hills.

Run, boy, run! The sun will be guiding you.

Run, boy, run! They're dying to stop you.

Run, boy, run! This race is a prophecy.

Run, boy, run! Break out from society.

Tomorrow is another day, and you don't have to hide away.

You'll be a man, boy, but for now, it's time to run, it's time to run.

Run, boy, run! This ride is a journey to.

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 Run, boy, run! The secret inside of you.

Run, boy, run! This race is a prophecy.

Run, boy, run! And disappear in the trees.

Tomorrow is another day, and you don't have to hide away.

You'll be a man, boy, but for now, it's time to run, it's time to run.

Tomorrow is another day, and you don't have to hide away.

You'll be a man, boy, but for now, it's time to run, it's time to run.

(Alice has won the race [shown through choreography]. Everyone else is on the floor.)

Alice – I won, get in!

Charlie – Ugh, I hate you. (Sticks tongue out.)

Chris – Well done Alice.

Cameron – That is in fact, a new record time.

Alice – Wow, I didn’t know I could run that quickly.

Carly – Well anything is possible in Wonderland.

Dave – She needs a prize!

Carly – Oh yes, I’ll go and get one.

(Carly exits. The White Rabbit enters and runs down the Centre Aisle.)

Alice – Rabbit! Come back, I need to talk to you.

(Alice runs off after the White Rabbit. Carly re-enters with a basket of sweets.)

Carly – And here’s your prize, a sweet hamper! (Pause) Where did she go?

(Everyone points to where Alice went, Dave points elsewhere. Everyone looks at him.)

Dave – What?

Charlie – Great, now this prize is going to go to waste.

Chris – Can’t we save them for the next race?

Cameron – Weather patterns in the cumulus nimbi around here would suggest we aren’t going to do another
race any time soon.

Carly – Just typical, I put so much effort into organising these races and…

(Carly drivels off into a rant, everyone else begins to state their opinion.)

Dave – Wait!

All – What?

Dave – I can’t remember.

All – Oh Dave!

Dave – Wait, yes, I do, what if we gave these sweets to someone else?

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Carly – That’s not an awful idea.

Charlie – But who?

Dave – (To the audience) Do you guys want them? Well, there’s a rule in Wonderland. If you want something,
you have to work for it. All you have to do is when I ask ‘what do you want’ – you shout Sweeties. Let’s try,
what do you want? I said, what do you want? Come on, what do you want? That sounds good, let’s go for it.

Headset 2 ON – Dave

Music Cue – Pump It (Sweeties)

Dave:

Ha, ha, ha, Sweeties. Ha, ha, ha. What do you want?

All (Dave):

Sweeties (Louder) x4

Come get some Haribo. Or some wine gums, right.

Dave:

People wanna hate on us. People be envious.

Stop Music

Charlie – Stop, stop, stop. You’re nowhere near loud enough.

Carly – That’s not gonna get you any sweets, I think we should try again.

Cameron – I concur.

Dave – Let’s wheel it.

Music Cue – Pump It (Sweeties)

Dave:

Ha, ha, ha, Sweeties. Ha, ha, ha. What do you want?

All (Dave):

Sweeties (Louder) x4 Come get some Haribo. Or some wine gums, right.

Dave:

People wanna hate on us. People be envious. I know why they hate on us. 'Cause we’re so fabulous.

As the candy host, the host with the most. I’m about to throw this down and give you all bare glucose.

M and M’s we rockin’ it, marshmallows, they are so outrageous.

Just admit, you don’t care ‘bout being fit.

C-H-O-C, eat that choc. M-O-C, no you can’t mock. Us.

We lovin’ it. We love it so.

Throw them out. Throw them out. Throw them out.

What do you want?

All (Dave):

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 Sweeties (Louder) x6 And eat them, all. Eat them, all.

Come get some Haribo. Or some wine gums, right now.

Tic Tac’s and Fizzlers. It's sizzling right.

Dave:

Can you check this out right here?

Dude want some Jelly Babes. Dude need Jelly Babes.

Dude want the Starbursts. Cuz dude is all about the flavour.

How ‘bout you get some Moam. You need that right now-I-am.

All bout the bon-bons. Would you like to try some?

Yeah, sweets for free. That's what we do, that's who we be.

C-O-L-A B-O-T. T to the L to the L to the E and S.

Say your Grace, God Bless. Eat your Sweets, No Stress. Yeah, and I must confess that we are about to.

Throw them out. Throw them out. Throw them out.

What do you want?

All (Dave):

Sweeties (Louder) x6 And eat them, all. Eat them, all.

Come get some Haribo. Or some wine gums, right now.

Tic Tac’s and Fizzlers. It's sizzling right.

(They throw out the sweets.)

Fade Music (around 2:40)

Headset 2 OFF – Dave

Dave – Enjoy the hard earned sweets guys.

Charlie – But don’t make too much noise with them.

Chris – Or the Queen might hear you, and it will be…

All – Off with your heads!

(They all turn to leave.)

Carly – Wait! Before we go, shall we teach this lot the Wonderland Salute?

Cameron – That sounds like a great idea. First you make a W.

Charlie – Then an L.

Chris – Then you make hymn hands.

Dave – Then do a fish.

Carly – Let’s try that all again. Make a W, Make an L, Make Hymn Hands, and Do a Fish.

Dave – Great Job. Shall we do it…one more time?

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Music Cue – One More Time

(Hi Viz Madness. Cut off by Carly.)

Carly – No! Twice was enough.

Chris – Well done guys.

Cameron – Spiffing.

Charlie – Slayyyyyyy!

Carly – See you later everyone.

B/O Music – Pump It (from 2:43)

TABS CLOSE

Scene 3 – The Pagoda

Lighting Cue – Yellow

(Alice enters, looking lost.)

Alice – Rabbit, rabbit, where are you? Hello everyone, I’m looking for the White Rabbit, but can’t seem to find
him anywhere. What should I do? Call him? Can you remember what I need to call? Come White Rabbit? Okay,
let’s give it a go. 3,2,1. Come White Rabbit.

(The White Rabbit bounces in.)

White Rabbit – Hello all you awesome lot, Alice did I hear that you’re in a tight spot?

Alice – Well I don’t know Wonderland, just all the time I’m like ‘where am I?’ ‘Well, Lost’.

White Rabbit – I’ll find a solution at any cost, just let me put on my thinking cap. How do I stop you from
getting lost? Ooh, I’ve got it, you can use this map.

(The White Rabbit hands Alice a map.)

Alice – Why, thank you.

Rabbit – Now sorry but I must dash, the Queen of Hearts wants a soda. I suggest that maybe you go for a walk
to the Pagoda.

(The White Rabbit and Alice exit in different directions.)

TABS OPEN

(The tabs open to reveal Caterpillar on her toadstool, blowing bubbles.)

Caterpillar – What are you all looking at? Have you never seen a Caterpillar blowing bubbles before?

(Alice enters. Caterpillar does not make eye contact with Alice throughout.)

Caterpillar – Who are you?

Alice – Oh, well, I’m Alice.

Caterpillar – A girl called Alice.

Alice – Why do people always say that?

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Caterpillar – Well not to be rude, but we don’t get many like you in Wonderland.

Alice – Well, where I come from, Caterpillars don’t usually blow bubbles.

Caterpillar – Maybe that’s because where you come from people don’t have fun.

Alice – Well you’re a bit rude.

Caterpillar – Oh, diddums, do you want me to get my violin out for you?

Headset 1 ON – Alice

Headset 2 ON – Caterpillar

Music Cue – World’s Smallest Violin

Caterpillar:

My grandpa fought in World War II; he was such a noble dude.

I can't even finish school, missed my mom and left too soon.

His dad was a fireman, who fought fires so violent.

I think I bored my therapist, while playing him my violin.

Oh my Gosh, that's so insane.

Oh my Gosh, that's such a shame.

Next to them, my pain don't feel so grand.

But I can't help myself from feeling bad.

I kinda feel like two things can be sad.

The world’s smallest violin really needs an audience.

So, if I do not find somebody soon (That's right, that's right).

I'll blow up into smithereens and spew my tiny symphony.

Just let me play my violin for you, you, you, you.

Alice:

My grandpa fought in World War II; he was such a noble dude.

Man, I feel like such a fool, I got so much left to prove.

All my friends have vaping friends, they're so good at making friends.

I'm so scared of caving in, is that entertaining yet?

Caterpillar:

Oh my Gosh, that's so insane.

Oh my Gosh, that's such a shame.

Alice:

Next to them, my pain don't feel so grand.

But I can't help myself from feeling bad.

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 I kinda feel like two things can be sad.

Both:

The world’s smallest violin really needs an audience.

So, if I do not find somebody soon (That's right, that's right).

I'll blow up into smithereens and spew my tiny symphony.

Just let me play my violin for you, you, you, you.

Caterpillar:

Somewhere in the universe, somewhere someone's got it worse.

Wish that made it easier, wish I didn't feel the hurt.

The world’s smallest violin really needs an audience.

So, if I do not find somebody soon.

I'll blow up into smithereens. And spew my tiny symphony.

All up and down a city street. While tryna put my mind at ease.

Like finishing this melody. This feels like a necessity.

So, this could be the death of me. Or maybe just a better me.

Now come in with the timpanis. And take a shot of Hennessy.

I know I'm not there mentally. But you could be the remedy.

So let me play my violin for you.

Alice – How curious.

Caterpillar – You see, kid, it’s like this, no one really likes what’s normal. We look forward to things that are
different. New experiences, new people.

(Caterpillar turns their head towards Alice.)

Alice – Who? Me?

Caterpillar – You wonder why everyone’s obsessing over you in Wonderland. Well, there’s your answer.

Alice – What is the answer?

Caterpillar – I may seem real, yet I am not, once you're gone, I'm often forgot. Time here stretches and it
shrinks, it all depends on how you think. I may be good; I may be bad. I may be the same as one you've had.
What am I?

Alice – How am I supposed to know?

Caterpillar – That response is exactly why the answer is Wonderland.

Alice – What? But that makes no sense!

(Caterpillar blows bubbles in Alice’s face.)

Caterpillar – One day, we all become butterflies.

Alice – Well, you’re absolutely no help at all. Any other riddles?

15
Caterpillar - I have cities, but not houses. I have mountains, but no trees. I have coasts, but no sand. What am
I?

Alice – Erm, well…a map!

(Alice pulls out her map.)

Alice – What’s this? One of the locations seems to be glowing. The Duke’s Mansion. Guess that’s where I’m off
too next. Bye Caterpillar.

Caterpillar – May the odds be ever in your favour.

TABS CLOSE

Headset 1 OFF – Alice

Headset 2 OFF – Caterpillar

B/O Music – If I Knew You Were Coming (I’d have Baked a Cake)

Scene 4 – The Duchess’ Mansion

Lighting Cue – White

(The Duke pokes his head through the tabs.)

Duke – Ooh, hello everybody. Oh, come on we can do better than that, I said hello everybody.

(He comes through the curtains.)

Duke – I am Harry, the Duke of Wonderland. My sister, the Queen of Hearts, is the proud ruler of this nation.
Though I do wish I could have my chance to be the king… But at least she’s got good genes, what can I say,
from Levi’s #AD. Whoops, wrong show. Although I would like to make clear that I’d never ever dream of
leaving my place as a royal…just saying – no Megxit going on here, I’d need an American wife for that.
However, I have ambitions to become the most powerful person in all of Wonderland, I’m just waiting for my
plan to fall into place. And make sure that no one gets in my way. Now being royal means that I am fortunate
enough to have servants, except they are all useless. When I first hired my personal assistant (and cousin), the
Knave of Hearts, I asked her to call me a taxi and then she replies, ‘You’re a taxi, sir’. Then just yesterday I
asked her to go and water the plants. And she replies but it’s raining outside. And I’m like, just take an
umbrella then. Genuinely, she’s one of the dimmest people I have ever met. Then my chef insists all her food
needs an unholy amount of pepper added to it. Though I suppose she is a seasoned professional. To top all this
off, I’ve just had a baby. It’s sadder than that. I can see some parents in the audience know what I mean. He
was born rather large I must admit. And then the other week, I took him on the bus with me and the bus driver
said to me, ‘that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.’ I was furious, but still I gave my fare and took an aisle seat
near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to me sensed my agitation and asked me what was wrong. ’The
bus driver insulted me,’ I said. The man sympathized with me and said, ‘he shouldn't say things to insult
passengers, why not go back up there and give him a piece of your mind.’ I thought it was a good idea and said,
‘maybe I will’. Then he goes ‘here, let me hold your monkey.’ Total and Utter disrespect. But you’ll see why
when you meet him. In fact, they should all be ready now. Are you ready?

TABS OPEN

(The tabs open to reveal a kitchen set up. Cook and Knave salute. Baby is sat in a giant pram.)

Cook – I’m here sir.

Knave – As am I!

16
Baby – Goo-goo-ga-ga!

Duke – Cook! Knave! That is not how we salute in Wonderland.

Cook – Whoopsie sorry.

Knave – My bad.

Duke – Let’s try again and do it right this time. And you lot join in as well. Make a W, Make an L, Make Hymn
Hands, and Do a Fish. Much better.

(Alice enters, following her map.)

Duke – Who are you?

Alice – Well, I’m Alice.

Duke – A girl called Alice…

Alice – Apparently.

Cook – Nice to meet you, Ally Pally.

Knave – Yes greetings Alice Palace.

Baby – Waaaaaa! If you know what I mean.

Duke – Knave, take baby for a nap – he needs to rest up for the Queen’s Garden Party.

Alice – A garden party?

Duke – Yes, he’s going as a pig.

Alice – How curious.

Knave – This way.

(Baby and Knave exit. The baby is oinking.)

Cook – Your dinner is ready sir.

Duke – And will you be staying for food Alice?

Alice – May I?

Cook – The more, the merrier.

(Alice and Duke sit down at the table, Cook stands behind his station. Knave re-enters and walks over to the
table.)

Music Cue – If I Knew You Were Coming… (Quiet and Looped)

Knave – Right then, for today’s starter, you have a choice of soup.

Alice – Or what?

Knave – No soup.

Alice – Guess I’ll have soup then.

Duke – Same here.

Knave – Excellent choice.

(Knave walks over to Cook.)

17
Knave – Two soups please Cook.

Cook – On their way.

(Cook fills two bowls with soup from the pan and hands them to Knave.)

Cook – There you go.

Knave – I can’t carry two soups at once.

Cook – Why not? You’re a waiter, aren’t you?

Knave – Yes.

Cook – Then wait.

(Knave waits, Cook begins to clean and doesn’t notice him for a while but then sees he’s not moved.)

Cook – What are you standing there for?

Knave – I’m waiting.

Cook – What are you waiting for?

Knave – Waiting for you.

Cook – Why? I’m not going anywhere.

Knave – You told me to wait.

Cook – Exactly!

Knave – So, I’m waiting.

Cook – You’re not, you’re standing there.

Knave – Yes.

Cook – You don’t understand, do you?

Knave – Err…

Cook – You don’t wait over here; you wait over there.

Knave – Okay!

(Cook points over to the table. Knave goes and stands by the chairs that Alice and Duke are sat at.)

Cook – What you stopped there for?

Knave – I’m waiting here.

Cook – No you wait on the table.

(Knave sits on the table and waits.)

Cook – Now what are you doing?

Knave – I’m waiting on the table.

Cook – Silly girl, you wait on them.

(Knave sits down on Alice’s lap.)

Cook – Will you just let them have the soup?

18
Knave – Let them, have it?

Cook – Let them have it.

Knave – Okay.

(Knave puts Alice’s soup down in front of her. Distracted by her, Knave trips on the chair leg tipping the soup all
over Duke.)

Duke – You silly girl!

Knave – Sorry Dukie, I’ll just top it up for you sir, I won’t be long.

(Knave goes back to Cook and hands them the bowl.)

Knave – Can we have some more soup?

Cook – Ooh yes, this is going down well.

Knave – It’s going down somewhere.

(Cook refills the bowl of soup and hands it to Knave. She over cautiously delivers it back to the table and
successfully puts it down. She breathes a sigh of relief.)

Knave – I’ll just go and get some spoons.

Duke – Okay, well just hurry up with it will you?

(Knave goes back to get some spoons but as she leaves the table, she purposefully knocks the bowl of soup
onto Duke’s lap.)

Knave – (Sarcastically) Oh dear, has there been an accident? Oh, it’s all down your lap. Why not go and clean
yourself. And I’ll go and get you some more soup.

(Duke exits briefly to Stage Left. Knave goes back to Cook and hands them the bowl.)

Cook – More soup?

Knave – More soup.

Cook – It’s really going down well this.

Knave – Definitely.

Cook – Ooh dear.

Knave – What’s the matter?

Cook – We’ve ran out of soup.

Knave – Uhhhhh.

(Knave goes back to the table. Duke re-enters.)

Knave – We’ve appeared to have ran out of soup.

Duke – That’s absolutely unacceptable. I’m sorry about this Alice.

Alice – Don’t worry about it, we can just skip next to the main course. What is it?

Knave – Your main today is… super splendid sacred succulent sophisticated sublime sizzling sausages with
sensational sanative sage served slickly and stylishly on a super serene slate.

Alice – Can you repeat that for me?

19
Knave – (Faster) Super splendid sacred succulent sophisticated sublime sizzling sausages with sensational
sanative sage served slickly and stylishly on a super serene slate.

Duke – Sounds stupid…but it’ll do.

(Knave walks over to Cook.)

Knave – They’re ready for the mains.

Cook – What did they think of the super splendid sacred succulent sophisticated sublime sizzling sausages with
sensational sanative sage served slickly and stylishly on a super serene slate.

Knave – Well the Duke said. (Impersonating Duke) Sounds stupid.

Cook – Well he’ll be the one with egg on his face. (Pause and look at the audience) Go and give them some
plates.

(Knave takes plates back over to Duke and Alice, placing them on the table.)

Knave – And here, we go, plates for your main course.

Duke – Oh no!

Knave – What’s wrong Dukie?

Duke – You can’t put our main course on these plates.

Knave – Yes, I can, it’ll fit on there.

Duke - I’m sure it’ll fit but no.

Knave – What?

Duke – You can’t!

Knave – Why?

Duke – Because these plates/

Knave – Yes.

Duke – Are absolutely filthy.

Knave – Oh dear. You want it cleaning I suppose.

Duke – Yes, I do.

Knave – Right, I’ll just go and get it sorted for you sir.

Duke – Good.

(Knave walks back over to Cook.)

Duke – I’m so sorry about this Alice.

Alice – Don’t worry about it.

Cook – What’s that doing back?

Knave – (Impression of Duke) It’s absolutely filthy!

Cook – I’ve just cleaned it.

Knave – But can you clean it.

20
Cook – Can I clean it?

Knave – Because he’s getting annoyed.

Cook – Okay, I’ll clean it for you.

(Cook wipes it with a cloth and hands it back to Knave, who breathes on it and wipes it on her bum as she
walks back to the table.)

Knave – Lovely clean plate for you.

Duke – No!

Knave – No?

Duke – No!

Knave – No?

Duke – No!

Knave – Why sir?

Duke – Well I saw how you just cleaned that.

Knave – How was that?

Duke – It was terrible.

Knave – Was it?

Duke – Yes it was absolutely awful.

Knave – It was what?

Duke – Awful!

Knave – Why?

Duke – Well I didn’t like how you cleaned that.

Knave – How did I clean that sir?

Duke – Well you went/ (He breathes on the plate.)

Knave – I did what?

Duke – You went/ (He breathes on the plate again.)

Knave – Yes.

Duke – And then you went/ (He wipes the plate on his bum.)

Knave – Yes, it’s lovely and clean isn’t it Dukie?

Duke – It’s terrible hygiene.

Knave – Jean, Jean, where are ya? Sorry Jean’s not here today.

Duke – I can see that.

Knave – Oh.

Duke – Now, what you need to do.

21
Knave – Well can you explain it to me sir?

Duke – I can tell you and you can tell her.

Knave – Right who?

Duke – Her.

Knave – Right.

Duke – You need to tell her to clean this with proper cleaning equipment.

Knave – Proper cleaning equipment.

Duke – Yes.

Knave – I’ll try that sir thank you.

Duke – Good, sorry about all this Alice.

Alice – It’s fine, I’m just desperate to eat.

Knave – It’s back again. (As Duke) Excuse me, it needs to be cleaned with proper cleaning equipment.

Cook – I just cleaned it with equipment.

Knave – (As Duke) Will you tell her?

Cook – Her?

Knave – Yes her, he said.

Cook – Right. I’ll sort it.

(Cook squirts some cleaning equipment (foam) on the plate and marches over to Duke.)

Cook – Excuse me! You see this here. Yes?

Duke – Yes.

Cook – This is proper cleaning equipment, right?

Duke – Right.

Cook – On the plate, right? I can’t do any more can I?

Duke – Um, excuse me.

Cook – What?

Duke – Yes, you see the thing is, I want to be able to see my face in it.

(Knowing look to audience, Cook goes back and gets two large jam tarts.)

Cook – Pardon.

Duke – I want to see my face in it.

Knave – She wants to see her face in it.

Cook – Customers always right mate.

(Knave pushes the plate into his face. And passes the one tart to Knave.)

Cook – Now for dessert, I have made two lovely jam tarts.

22
(Duke stands up in anger and raises his arms, pushing the tarts into their faces.)

Duke – Right that’s it, you two over there now, just wait till I get my hands on you.

Cook – Quick run.

Knave – I’m outta here.

(They exit quickly, Duke turns to Alice.)

Fade Music Underscore

Duke – And you, get out too!

Alice – Pardon?

Duke – Get out of my HOUSE!

Alice – Sorry.

(Alice walks down the stairs downtrodden.)

TABS CLOSE

Music Cue – Home (Piano)

Headset 1 ON – Alice

Lighting Cue – Yellow

Alice – Well that went awfully. So much for this map being any help, I can’t get anywhere useful in this stupid
place.

(She throws the map through the tabs.)

Alice – I just wish I could be back by the bank, or at the bingo – ticking off dirty knee, 33. Things were just
simpler back at home, I miss Scarlett so much. She’s my big sister, I care about her. And Mum…and Dad, even if
they annoy me sometimes, I still love them. I still need them. I still miss them.

Alice:

Home, let me go home. Home is wherever I'm with you.

Home, let me go home. Home is wherever I'm with you.

La-la-la-la, take me home, sister, I’m coming home.

Fade Music

Headset 2 ON – Cheshire Cat

(The Cheshire Cat pops their head through the middle of the curtains.)

Cat – Did you lose something?

(Cheshire Cat looks right, an arm pops out holding the map.)

Alice – My map.

(She goes to get it, but the arm goes in and immediately another arm pops out to the left with an identical
map.)

Cat – It’s over here now.

23
Alice – How did it get over there so quickly?

(Alice moves to get it, but the arm disappears again, and the Cheshire Cat puts one hand through the middle
with the map.)

Cat – Looking for this?

Alice – How did you do that?

Cat – The more important question is – who are you?

Alice – My name is Alice.

Cat – A girl called Alice.

Alice – Everyone always says that.

Cat – Do they?

(The Cheshire Cat laughs.)

TABS OPEN

Alice – I’ve never seen a cat that smiles so much before.

Cat – That’s because I’m no ordinary cat, I’m a Cheshire Cat.

Alice – What’s that got to do with it.

Cat – What’s wrong with smiling and having a good time?

Alice – Because things aren’t always fun.

Cat – Why not?

(The Cheshire Cat laughs again.)

Alice – You’re Crazy!

Cat – Aren’t we all?

Music Cue – Crazy

Cheshire Cat:

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind.

There was something so pleasant about that place.

Even your emotions have an echo, in so much space, mmm.

And when you're out there without care, it makes you out of touch.

But it wasn't because I didn't know enough, I just knew too much, mm.

Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy?

Possibly!

And I hope that you are having the time of your life.

But think twice, that's my only advice, mm.

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?

24
 Ha, ha, ha, bless your soul, you really think you're in control?

Well, I think you're crazy, I think you're crazy, I think you're crazy.

Just like me.

Alice:

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on the limb.

And all I remember is thinking I wanna be like them, mm-hmm.

Ever since I was little, ever since I was little, it looked like fun.

And it's no coincidence I've come, so will I smile when I'm done?

Both:

Maybe I'm crazy, maybe you're crazy, maybe we're crazy.

Probably.

Alice – So, where am I meant to go now?

Cat – Where do you want to go?

Alice – Well ideally, this garden party I keep hearing about.

Cat – And how are you going to get there?

Alice – Well I guess I need to get an invite.

Cat – Who from?

Alice – I don’t know.

(Alice slumps down on the steps, Cat sits with her.)

TABS CLOSE

Cat – Could I suggest that maybe you get invited as someone’s plus one?

Alice – But who, would invite me?

Cat – What about the Mad Hatter?

(Mad Hatter laughs wildly from offstage.)

Alice – Who’s the Mad Hatter?

Cat – He’s a famous guy, throughout all of Wonderland. There’s nothing this man hasn’t tried. He even wrote a
book that was better than Prince Harry’s…though I suppose that’s not too hard. He also wears hats. But if
anyone can get you into the party to end all parties, it’s him.

Alice – And where do I find him?

Cat – Just follow the smell of chaos.

Headset 2 OFF – Cheshire Cat

Alice – What’s that supposed to mean?

(The Cheshire Cat says nothing and just smiles, exiting.)

Alice – Ugh! Well, that was no help. Now, where is that, Rabbit?

25
Headset 1 OFF – Alice

(Alice exits, looking at her map. The White Rabbit bounces across the front of the stage.)

Scene 5 – Mad Hatter’s Tea Party

TABS OPEN

Music Cue – Baggy Trousers

Headset 2 ON – Mad Hatter

Lighting Cue – Pink

(The stage is set up for a picnic. Mad Hatter is on stage already.)

Mad Hatter:

Naughty boys and nasty schools. Headmaster's breaking all the rules.

Having fun and playing fools. Smashing up the woodwork tools.

All the teachers in the pub. Passing round the ready rub.

Trying not to think of when. The lunchtime bell will ring again.

Oh, what fun we had, but did it really turn out bad?

All I learnt at school, was how to bend not break the rules.

Oh, what fun we had, but at the time it seemed so bad.

Trying different ways to make a difference to…

The headmaster's had enough today. All the kids have gone away.

Gone to fight with next door's school. Every term that is the rule.

(Hare and Dormouse enter.)

Sits alone and bends his cane. Same old backsides again.

All the small ones tell tall tales. Walking home and squashing snails.

All:

Oh, what fun we had, but did it really turn out bad?

All I learnt at school, was how to bend not break the rules.

Oh, what fun we had, but at the time it seemed so bad.

Trying different ways to make a difference to the days.

Lots of girls and lots of boys. Lots of smells and lots of noise.

Playing football in the park. Kicking pushbikes after dark.

Baggy trousers dirty shirt. Pulling hair and eating dirt.

Teacher comes to break it up. Back of the head with a plastic cup.

Oh, what fun we had, but did it really turn out bad?

26
 All I learnt at school, was how to bend not break the rules.

Oh, what fun we had, but at the time it seemed so bad.

Trying different ways to make a difference to the days.

Baggy trousers, baggy trousers, baggy trousers. X4

Headset 2 OFF – Mad Hatter

Mad Hatter – Good morning, good evening, good afternoon, good morrow to you, good heavens, good grief,
good riddance, good for you, good luck, good goodness, gutentag.

Hare – Hi.

Mad Hatter – I am the Mad Hatter. That is because I make hats….and I’m Mad!

Hare – I am the Mad March Hare, I’m like a rabbit, just not as good, and you certainly would complain to the
waiter if you found me in your soup.

Mad Hatter – Now where is that mouse?

(The dormouse is sat sleeping. They creep over to her.)

Both – Boo!

Dormouse – Ahh. What did you wake me up for?

Mad Hatter – Because we have visitors. (Indicates audience)

Dormouse – Oh hello, it’s nice too/meet you. (She yawns and falls back asleep mid-sentence)

Mad Hatter – No, no sleeping. It’s time for tea!

Hare – And for me.

Dormouse – I want some I plea.

Mad Hatter – Well obviously.

Hare – I agree.

Dormouse – And it’s all free.

Mad Hatter – Most generously.

Hare – BBC.

Dormouse – ITV.

Mad Hatter – And we’ve gone off topic.

(Alice enters, following the map and walks into the Mad Hatter.)

Mad Hatter – Who are you?

Alice – Alice.

Mad Hatter – Well it’s lovely to meet you, Alex.

Alice – Alice.

Mad Hatter – Alec.

Alice – Alice.

27
Mad Hatter – Andrew.

Alice – Alice.

Mad Hatter – (Sung) Alleluia.

Alice – Alice.

Mad Hatter – Alexander-Arnold.

Alice – No Alice!

Mad Hatter – Bless you.

Alice – How curious, you’re the first person who hasn’t said, ‘a girl called Alice’.

Mad Hatter – Who’s Alice?

Alice – Erm…me.

Mad Hatter – Ooh I’m sorry about that.

(The Mad Hatter shakes her hand, as if offering consolations.)

Alice – You’re mad!

Mad Hatter – Not just mad. Bonkers. Completely off my head. But I’ll tell you a secret, all the best people are.

Alice – How curious.

Mad Hatter – Now, will you be staying for tea?

Hare – Is it teatime?

Dormouse – (Yawning) More like bedtime.

Alice – Well, I didn’t get much to eat at the duke’s house after all the shenanigans, so why not?

Mad Hatter – Perfect. What would you like?

Alice – Well, what have you got?

Mad Hatter – Now that you mention it.

Headset 2 ON – Mad Hatter

Music Cue – 12 Days of Christmas (MP3)

All (Not Alice):

The ___ thing we’ve got at the Hatter’s Tea Party is/are…

Hatter:

(And) A cake topped with sprinkles and cream.

Dormouse:

Two little spoons.

Hare:

Three plastic cups.

Alice:

28
 Four party hats.

Hatter:

Five kitchen rolls.

Hare:

Six chocolate biscuits.

Alice:

Seven bits of tinsel.

Hare:

Eight pots and pans.

Dormouse:

Nine smelly socks.

Hatter:

Ten chunks of cheese.

Alice:

Eleven glowing glowsticks.

Dormouse and Hare:

Twelve litres of water.

Headset 2 OFF – Mad Hatter

Mad Hatter – Alice, you look slightly messy after all of that. Guys, give her a wash.

(Hare and Dormouse spray water at Alice.)

Alice – Thanks.

Mad Hatter – (To audience) What about you guys? Do you need a wash?

(Hare and Dormouse spray water at the audience.)

Dormouse – Perfect, now I think it’s time for a nap.

(Hare exits with the water guns. Dormouse snuggles down to sleep.)

Mad Hatter – So what can I do for you Alice?

Alice – Well I have been trying to find out how I can get an invite to the Queen’s Garden Party.

Mad Hatter – Well I have a spare ticket.

Alice – Can I, have it?

Mad Hatter – Sure.

(He reaches into one pocket, then the other, then starts feeling all the way over for it.)

Mad Hatter – Erm, I may have lost it.

Alice – Oh okay, don’t worry about it then.

29
Mad Hatter – No I made a deal with a friend, and I will come through for them. I will not rest until I find the
spare ticket. Hare.

Hare – (Jumping onto stage) Yes sir.

Mad Hatter – Dormouse.

Dormouse – (Waking up) I’m awake.

Mad Hatter – Alfred.

Alice – It’s Alice.

Mad Hatter – Whatever! Search everywhere, search high and search low, we will find this missing ticket. And if
we can’t find the first time, we will search again. And then again.

Hare – And then…One More Time!

Music Cue – One More Time

(Hi Viz Madness. They all exit, frantically searching. Duke enters waving a ticket in his hand.)

Duke – I think that this might be what they’re all looking for. I just happened to be passing and I overheard Mr
Hatter inviting Dear Little Alice to the Queen’s Garden Party and I thought to myself, no, we can’t be having
that. Imagine Alice, a lovely kind generous girl, going as the plus one for the Most Famous Man in all of
Wonderland; she’d get way too much attention. And that would take the attention away from me as I conduct
a plan to take over the throne and get rid of the Queen forever. And don’t think about warning your precious
little Alice about my plan, or I’ll have to get rid of her too.

(Duke exits evilly laughing, Alice enters downtrodden and sits on the steps.)

Headset 1 ON – Alice

Alice – We can’t find the missing ticket anywhere. What am I meant to do now? Is there anyone in
Wonderland that actually wants to help me? The White Rabbit? I mean I guess he can’t make things much
worse. But you guys will have to help me shout for him, I’m not in the mood. 3,2,1. I don’t think that was loud
enough. Let’s try again. 3,2,1. Still nothing. We’ll have to try once more and this time be super-duper loud.
3,2,1. (Silence) I guess he’s not coming.

Headset 2 ON – White Rabbit

(White Rabbit rushes on.)

Rabbit – I’m coming! Sorry for being so late. I was having computer issues.

Alice – Hard Drive?

Rabbit – No, the commute was fine. It was just my laptop.

Alice – Hey, how come you’re no longer rhyming?

Rabbit – I only rhyme when I’m late. And none of that matters if your upset. What’s up?

Alice – Everything keeps going wrong. Caterpillar was very rude to me, The Duchess seems kinda mean, The
Cheshire Cat won’t stop smiling and Mad Hatter lost his spare ticket to the party. I never fit in back at home
and now it seems I don’t fit in here either.

Rabbit – Well it’s a good job that I’m here. The way I see it, you are too hard on yourself, you never just let
yourself enjoy the moment. Instead, you’re worrying about the future and what’s going to happen next. You
are in Wonderland! The most amazing place ever. And as far as a tour guide is concerned, you could do a
worse job than me.

30
Music Cue – Welcome to Wonderland

Rabbit:

Welcome to Wonderland, we've got it all.

Potions and pastries that make you grow tall.

Forests and cottages, castles and cards that can talk.

Welcome to Wonderland, look where you’re at.

Maddest of hatters, the Cheshire Cat.

Magical cabins and lovely white rabbits with clocks.

Dancing through a dream. Underneath the stars. Laughing till the morning comes.

Everyone who leaves has a heavy heart. Oh, Wonderland, I love.

Welcome to Wonderland, I’ll be your guide.

Holding your hand under sapphire skies.

Let's go exploring or we could just go for a walk.

Welcome to Wonderland, where should we go?

There's the Queen’s party along down the road.

Make an appearance and maybe they’ll sing us a song.

Both:

Dancing through a dream. Underneath the stars. Laughing till the morning comes.

Everyone who leaves has a heavy heart. Oh, Wonderland, I love.

Nothing around here is quite as it seems. Not sure if anything is real or a dream.

And the only thing sure from the start. Is the song that's inside of your heart.

Don’t let it leave.

Alice:

If this was a dream, then at least I’ve got. Memories for when morning comes.

Both:

Everyone who leaves has a heavy heart. Oh, Wonderland, I love.

Music Cue – Home (Reprise)

Rabbit – Now I believe this is for you.

(Rabbit hands Alice an invite.)

Rabbit – One invite to the Queen’s Garden party.

(Alice embraces White Rabbit.)

Alice – Thank you, thank you so much. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

31
Rabbit – It’s just what I do, besides Wonderland is a better place with you in it, Alice. Now we better get going
or we’ll be late. Follow me, let’s go!

Headset 2 OFF – White Rabbit

(Alice hangs back and stares at the ticket.)

Alice – I finally did it! I got an invite to the Queen’s Party. I can’t wait.

Alice:

Home, let me go home. Home is wherever I’m with you.

Home, let me go home. Home is wherever I’m with you.

La-la-la-la, take me home, rabbit, I’m coming home.

TABS CLOSED

Headset 1 OFF – Alice

Lighting Cue – Blackout

Lighting Cue – House Lights ON

Sound Cue – Interval Playlist

(INTERVAL ACTIVITY – During the interval, we see Mr Schadenfreude walking around the audience to make
sure they’ve ticked off all the correct bingo numbers so far.)

32
Act 2
Scene 1 – The Palace Gardens

Music Cue – William Tell Overture (Remix)

Handheld ON – Voice

Voice – Ladies and Gentlemen, the interval is about to end, and the second half will begin in a few minutes.
Please return to your seats and make sure you have your Bingo Sheets with you as lots of numbers will be
called during the next section of the play, remember when you tick off all the numbers to shout,
PANTOOOOOOO!

(Wait a couple of minutes until about 1 minute to go on track.)

Lighting Cue – House Lights OFF

TABS OPEN

Headset 1 ON – Alice

Headset 2 ON – White Rabbit

Lighting Cue – White

Music Cue – Word Up

Rabbit:

W-O-R-D, we're coming up. K-k-keep it, keep it coming up.

So, do your dance, do your dance, do your dance quick.

Aw, come on, tell me, tell me what's the word. YOW!

Yo to all you lot, around the world. Got an awesome thing to show you.

So, tell all the boys and girls.

Tell your brother, your sister, and your mama, too.

Cause we're about to throw down, and you'll know just what to do.

Alice:

Wave your hands in the air, like you don't care.

Glide by the people, as they start to look and stare.

Both:

Do your dance, do your dance, do your dance quick.

Aw, come on, tell me, tell me what's the word?

All:

Word up, everybody say, when you hear the call, you've got to get it underway.

Word up, it's the code word, no matter where you say it, you'll know that you'll be heard.

Alice:

So, I’m here, in Wonderland, there's got to be a reason but who knows the reason why.

33
 But I’ll put on some shades and act real cool. And I don’t even care that I’m acting like a fool.

If there's music we can use it, we need to dance. There ain’t no time to worry so I’ll just take every chance.

Both:

Take the chance, take the chance, take the chance quick.

Aw, come on, tell me, tell me what's the word?

All (Rabbit):

Word up, everybody say, when you hear the call, you've got to get it underway.

Word up, it's the code word, no matter where you say it, you'll know that you'll be heard.

W-O-R-D UP, W-O-R-D UP, W-O-R-D UP (everybody say), W-O-R-D UP.

Rabbit:

W-O-R-D, we're coming up. K-k-keep it, keep it coming up.

So, do your dance, do your dance, do your dance quick.

Aw, come on, tell me, tell me what's the word.

All (Alice):

Word up (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

[Ad-Libs]

Word up, everybody say, when you hear the call, you've got to get it underway.

Word up, it's the code word, no matter where you say it, you'll know that you'll be heard.

Word up, everybody say, when you hear the call, you've got to get it underway.

Word up, it's the code word, no matter where you say it, you'll know that you'll be heard.

Headset 1 OFF – Alice

Headset 2 OFF – White Rabbit

Rabbit – Hello everyone! Is anyone still here? I said…Hello everyone! How was your interval? Great! Now I’ve
spent the interval organising and setting this up. The Queen’s Garden Party! Everyone’s here. First in line to
the throne, The Duke of Hearts.

Duke – Yes, hello.

Rabbit – And his cook.

Cook – Yo.

Rabbit – The only other heir to the throne, the Knave of Hearts.

Knave – Wait, I’m Royal?

Rabbit – The Cheshire Cat.

Cat – Greetings. (He laughs)

Rabbit – Not forgetting the Mad Hatter.

Hatter – (Flamboyantly) I am here!

34
Rabbit – And last but by no means least, our special guest, Alice.

Alice – Nice to see you all again.

(She curtsies.)

Alice – You said this is the Queen’s Garden Party, but where’s the queen?

Rabbit – I was just getting to that; will you all rise for the entrance of the queen and the playing of the national
anthem. I welcome, our gracious, beloved, kind, caring, wonderful/

Duke – Oh get on with it!

Rabbit – The Queen of Hearts.

Lighting Cue – Pink

Music Cue – Barbie Girl (0:00–0:43)

(The Queen of Hearts walks down the centre aisle of the audience, welcoming people as she does. Bubbles?)

Rabbit:

Come on barbie, let’s go party!

Queen of Hearts:

I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world, life in plastic, it's fantastic!

You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere, imagination, life is your creation.

Lighting Cue – Red

Queen – Coee!

Rabbit – We will now honour our Queen with the Wonderland Salute. Make a W, Make an L, Make Hymn
Hands, and Do a Fish. Over to you Queen.

Queen – Welcome one and all to the 64th Annual Royal Garden Party.

Mad Hatter – Hurrah!

Queen – Now, as always, we will be playing a game as a form of entertainment. Remind me who won last
year’s competition.

Cat – You did, ma’am. As you have done every year for all 19 years you’ve been Queen.

Duke – Of course she has.

Queen – What’s that supposed to mean brother?

Duke – Well obviously you always win because you’re so amazing.

Knave – I thought she always wins because we let her as she’s such a sore loser.

Queen – WHAT?

Duke – Nothing Queenie. (To Knave) Shut it you!

(Duchess hits Knave in the back of the head.)

Queen – Anyway, the prize for the winner of this year's game is…

Cook – A year’s worth of Jam Tarts made, by yours truly.

35
(He presents them towards the Queen.)

Queen – Very good. Now all that’s left is to announce this year’s game. Drumroll please. This year’s game will
be…croquet. Right, go get everything ready!

(She claps her hands, and everyone springs into action. Hatter, Cook and Cat go and get a hoop each. Hatter
and Cook also get a flamingo mallet. Knave goes and gets 2 hedgehog shaped balls. Duke goes to get a
microphone. Alice stands there, unsure what to do.)

Queen – Who are you?

Alice – Umm…Alice.

Queen – A girl called Alice! Finally, I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. I’ve not been this excited since
the... So, do you play?

Alice – Me? Oh no, I don’t play.

Queen – Why dear, everyone plays.

Alice – Ah, okay then.

(Everyone to be ready in position.)

Queen – Let’s play some croquet!

Music Cue – BBC Wimbledon Theme

Lighting Cue – Yellow

Headset 2 ON – White Rabbit

Handheld ON – Duke

Rabbit – Good afternoon, everyone and welcome back to the 64th Annual Royal Garden Party. We are now
onto the entertainment for this afternoon. I’m sure you all remember last years No Football, Just Penalties
game where England missed all 15 of their spot kicks – some things just never change. I’m the White Rabbit
and I’m joined for commentary by the Duke of Hearts, lovely to see you Dukie.

Duke – Pleasure to be here, I’ll try and be less annoying than Daniel Sturridge. Though he’s got serious moves
and a lovely singing voice.

Rabbit – Now let’s meet today’s players. First up is the Queen of Hearts, a serial winner, she just never misses.
A natural with both hands and feet, she’ll be hard to beat today.

Duke – But hoping to take her crown, not as Queen, just as Garden Party Games Champion.

Rabbit – Haha, as if someone could steal her throne.

Duke – Yeah, as if… Anyway, it’s Alice.

Rabbit – And our referee for today is the Knave of Hearts, she’ll be hoping for a nice clean game.

Duke – She’s clearly never met the Queen.

(They laugh.)

Knave – We’ll start with a coin toss. Queen to call.

Queen – Let’s hope it’s heads, because then you get to see this beautiful face.

Duke – It could be tails, and we wouldn’t notice the difference.

36
(Knave flips the coin, it lands tails.)

Knave – Heads it is, Queen to go first.

Alice – Wait a minute, it was tails.

Hatter – Give me a Q, give me a U, give me an E, give me another E, and another E…and another E? (Pause)
GOOOOOOOOOOO QUEEN!

(Alice has gone aside to Rabbit.)

Alice – How come Knave lied about the coin toss?

Rabbit – As lovely as the Queen is, she can be a very sore loser. It’s best just to go along with it.

Alice – Right okay.

(The Queen gets ready to take her first shot. [Do what the commentators say])

Rabbit – (Commentary Style) The Queen steps up to take her first shot. She adopts a wide stance. Her
hedgehog is placed down before her.

Alice – A hedgehog?

Duke – (Commentary) She gets ready to take her shot, holding onto her flamingo tight.

Alice – Flamingo?

Hatter – Shh Ally, you’re going to put her off.

Rabbit – (Commentary) She swings once, twice and strikes it perfectly.

(The Queen misses the ball by a country mile. Silence. She coughs. Cook runs and puts the hoop in where the
hedgehog has ended and then walks away “accidentally” kicking it through the hoop.)

Duke – (Commentary) And she gets it through, and the crowd goes wild.

Knave – (Blows Whistle) 15–0.

(The Mad Hatter holds up a sign that says cheer, then puts it down. Then he puts it back up again. Enjoying the
power, he keeps switching putting it up and down and up and down. Until, the Queen has enough.)

Queen – Stop it you!

(The Mad Hatter stops and goes and stands by his hoop.)

Rabbit – (Commentary) As she made the first shot, she gets a shot to go straight for the next hoop.

Duke – (Commentary) She steps up, goes for a little tap this time.

(The ball ends up extremely short. Silence. She coughs again. Cat runs and nods the ball through the hoop.)

Rabbit – (Commentary) She just never misses does she!

Duke – (Commentary) This is not luck; this is pure skill!

Knave – (Blows Whistle) 20–0.

Queen – (To Carly) Well celebrate then!

Cat – (Sarcastically) Hooray.

Queen – Get away from me, go on shoo!

37
(Carly exits.)

Rabbit – (Commentary) Here we go, this is the third and final hoop.

Duke – (Commentary) This is it! If she gets this, it’s going to make things very difficult for Alice.

Rabbit – (Commentary) She takes a deep breath. Silence around the ground. She swings and/

(The Queen hits the ball offstage.)

Music Cue – Crash

(Silence. The Mad Hatter laughs.)

Queen – GO FIND THAT BALL!

(The Mad Hatter scurries off.)

Duke – (Commentary) Well you can’t win them all.

Knave – Queen scores 42 points.

Alice – How does that logic work?

Knave – You don’t just score points for getting the ball through the hoop in this game. You also score points
based on flair, skill, difficulty and how much you look like (celebrity in news).

Alice – Ah okay.

Rabbit – (Commentary) Right, onto Alice now. She’ll have a tough job beating that.

Duke – (Commentary) Realistically she’s going to have to get the ball through all the hoops on the first hit. She
doesn’t strike me as someone who’s going to have much flair – so this will be all about skill.

(Alice prepares herself. The three hoops are lined up for ease.)

Rabbit – (Commentary) Alice takes a deep breath. You can tell how nervous she is.

Duke – (Commentary) Bless her. Composure is key.

Rabbit – (Commentary) She swings, she hits, she GETS ALL THREE!

Duke – (Commentary) The diminishing crowd goes wild.

Knave – 99–42!

Queen – WHAT?!?!

Knave – She got all three through in one go which you mustn’t four-get that’s eleven times 9, plus the 46 for
her sob story, but then that is taken away due to the fact she looks nothing like (same celebrity in the news).

Queen – No, I lost. I’m a failure. I’m even worse than (sportsperson who’s had a big loss this year). (She cries)

Alice – WAIT! I think I might have cheated.

Handheld OFF – Duchess

Headset 2 OFF – White Rabbit

(Cook gasps.)

Knave – How, I was watching you the whole time?

Cook – I think you maybe need to check VAR.

38
Music Cue – Dum Da Dum Dum Dahhh

Knave – Not VAR!

Music Cue – Dum Da Dum Dum Dahhh

Cook – Yes, VAR!

Music Cue – Dum Da Dum Dum Dahhh

Duke – Just hurry up and check it!

(Knave jumps down off the stage and stands in front of a “monitor”.)

Knave – Right let’s rewind to the moment before Alice took her shot.

Lighting Cue – White

Music Cue – Rewind

(Everyone moves backwards to their original positions.)

Knave – And pause.

Music Cue – Gameshow Background Tension

Knave – And play in slow motion.

(Everyone begins to re-enact the shot in super slow motion. There is no clear sign of cheating.)

Knave – There pause!

(Everyone freezes.)

Knave – Wait no, nothing there. Keep going.

(They keep going and Alice completes her shot. Everyone freezes.)

Knave – And that’s up to now.

Fade Music

Knave – There’s absolutely no sign of foul play there…but when was the last time VAR got a decision right?

(Knave blows his whistle, everyone snaps out of it.)

Lighting Cue – Yellow

(Knave does the VAR Check hand signal and points to the floor.)

Knave – Penalty.

Duke – There are no penalties in croquet.

Knave – Well I’ll just have to give a points deduction then.

Queen – (Something about Man City’s FFP.)

Alice – How many points do I lose?

Knave – Cheating is minus 58 points which leave you with a total score of 41 points, meaning the winner of
this year’s Garden Party Game on points…it’s the Queen of Hearts.

Queen – Get in, yes. Boom-shack-a-laka. Whoop, whoop. Wazzah! (Coughs) I mean hooray.

39
(Alice shakes the Queen of Hearts hand. Cook exits.)

Alice – Congratulations your majesty. A deserved victory.

Queen – Why thank you Alice, you put up a good fight.

Alice – There’s no one I’d rather lose too.

Rabbit – And now, presenting the prize for this year’s winner, it’s Cook and his amazing jam tarts.

(Applause. Silence)

Rabbit – It’s Cook and his Jam Tarts.

(Applause. Silence)

Rabbit – Cook!

(Cook enters sheepishly.)

Cook – Erm, I’m afraid ma’am, that someone has maybe, you know, kinda, sort of stolen them.

Queen – WHAT?

Cook – They’re gone.

Queen – Well they can’t have grown legs and wondered off on their own! Go and find them. And then find out
who did this. And then it’ll be OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

Cook – Yes ma’am.

(Cook rushes off.)

Queen – All of you, go!

(Everyone else exits, except Alice. The Queen looks sad.)

Alice – Are you okay Queenie?

Queen – Yes fine, it’s just Wonderland used to be such a wonderful place full of wonder. And I guess I just
wonder what’s happened to it, then my mind wanders, and I get thinking about this one der-matologist who I
had a summer romance with and I’m like, he could have been the one duh! I just feel like everything isn’t like it
used to be.

Alice – But isn’t change just a part of growing up?

Queen – I suppose.

Alice – And anyway, everyone I’ve met here has been lovely. You’re in charge of such a great place here.

Queen – Do you mean that?

Alice – I really do… Now, I’m going to go and find your Jam Tarts. Any idea who may have taken them?

Queen – I suggest you go and investigate the Tweedle Twins, they’re a dodgy duo who have harmful habits
and may know something all about the mysterious madness going on with my jam tarts.

Alice – Well, that’s where I’ll start my search. Detective Alice is on her way! See you later everyone.

(Alice exits.)

Queen – Hello everybody! Oh, come on we can do better than that, hello everybody! And now with just the
dads…one more time.

40
Music Cue – One More Time (0:00-0:30 [FADE])

(Hi Viz Madness.)

Queen – Hello gentlemen! Please hold caller. (She fans herself off) As you already know I am the Queen of
Hearts. Now you may wonder how I beat out the other suits to become Sole Ruler of Wonderland. Well, the
Queen of Spades kept digging herself holes, the King of Clubs is always out partying, and the Jack of Diamonds
would make a worse ruler than Jack the Ripper, so they were instantly ruled out. So, the crown came to me.
But I have to admit that I’ve been feeling rather lonely since I lost my husband. Oh no, he’s not dead. We just
went to Ikea to buy some furniture and I lost him in the bathroom department. Though I still bought my
chofheuuhebdkwoehfbwopeeeelffeiek sink – that’s really what it was called. I do understand that some of you
guys may think that I’m harsh because I like to chop lots of people’s heads off, but only when they really
deserve it and I do it really well so it’s worth it. Because like when telling jokes, the most important part of
chopping someone’s head off is…the execution. Any way as Queen of Wonderland it is my responsibility to
make sure that I know everyone who has crossed the border, so let’s see who we have here this evening.
(Reads a list of names) And I believe there is a congratulations in order for Edna who is 111 today, a big round
of applause for Edna. Oops, sorry, it says she’s ill. But I do believe we have some other birthdays today. (Read
birthdays.) Let’s sing happy birthday to ____. (Sing happy birthday). Wonderful, and if I mentioned you or not,
it is lovely to have you here. Now I’m off catch up on the latest episode of (TV show airing). See you later
darlings.

(She exits.)

TABS CLOSE

Scene 2 – The Maze

Lighting Cue – Green

(Alice enters looking at her map.)

Alice – Now my map says that I should find the Tweedle Twins somewhere around here.

(A baby is heard crying.)

Alice – I recognise that cry.

(She walks to the curtains.)

Alice – Hello, is anyone there?

Dee – (Offstage) No.

Dum – (Offstage) Go away.

Alice – Then how come you’re talking to me?

Dee – (Offstage) Erm, this is a recorded message.

Dum – (Offstage) Please leave a message after the beep.

Both – (One on each, offstage) Beep/Boop. [Argument about whether it should have been beep or boop].

(The baby cries again.)

Both – Shut it!

Alice – Okay, I’m leaving. Goodbye recorded message.

(Alice goes and hides to one side of the stage.)

41
TABS OPEN

Lighting Cue – Cyan

(It reveals Tweedle Dee and Dum and the Giant Baby.)

Dee – That was a close one.

Dum – She nearly found the baby.

Baby – (Babbles)

(The Tweedles stare blankly. Baby coughs.)

Baby – Sorry I was just asking, what am I even here for?

Dee – Well the Duke gave you to us.

Dum – Then we were meant to hide you.

Dee – Then Duke was going to pretend you had been kidnapped.

Dum – At which point we’d frame Alice.

Dee – Getting her in big trouble.

Dum – And then it would be…

Both – OFF WITH HER HEAD!

(Alice comes out from her hiding place.)

Alice – Aha! I knew you were up too something.

Both – Argh!

Dee – Where did you come from?

Alice – I was hiding down there the whole time.

Dum – You mean just there where we could have easily seen you.

Alice – Yeah but you didn’t.

Dee – Or did we?

Alice – No, you didn’t.

Dum – Or did we?

Alice – Did you?

Dee – We did.

Alice – You did?

Dum – We did?

Dee – Yes.

Dum – We did! And all this was just an elaborate ruse to get you out of hiding.

Alice – Was it?

Dee – No…but it would’ve been cool.

42
Dum – Please don’t tell on us Alice.

Alice – Give me one good reason not to.

Dee – We were tricked by the Duke.

Dum – He told us you were a danger to Wonderland.

Dee – And you were trying to steal the Queen’s throne.

Dum – So you had to be rid of.

Alice – And you believed that?

Dee – Well he did say I was his favourite.

Dum – No I’m his favourite.

Dee – Oh no you’re not.

Dum – Oh yes, I am.

Dee – Oh no you’re not.

Dum – Oh yes, I am.

Dee – Oh no you’re not.

Dum – Oh yes, I am.

Dee – Anything you can do, I can do better.

Headset 1 ON – Dee

Headset 2 ON – Dum

Music Cue – Anything You Can Do

Dee (Dum):

Anything you can do; I can do better. I can do anything better than you. (No, you can't.)

Yes, I can. (No, you can't.) Yes, I can. (No, you can't.) Yes, I can, yes, I can!

Dum (Dee):

Anything you can be I can be greater. Sooner or later, I'm greater than you. (No, you're not.)

Yes, I am. (No, you're not.) Yes, I am. (No, you're NOT!) Yes, I am. Yes, I am!

Dee (Dum):

I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge. (I can get a sparrow with a bow and arrow.)

I can live on bread and cheese. (And only on that?) Yes. (So can a rat!)

Dum (Dee):

Any note you can reach; I can go higher. I can sing anything higher than you. (No, you can't. [High])

Yes, I can. [Higher] (No, you can't. [Higher]) Yes, I can. [Higher] (No, you can't. [Higher])

Yes, I can. [Higher] (No, you can't. [Higher]) Yes, I CAN! [Highest]

1 BAR REST

43
 Dee (Dum):

Anything you can buy; I can buy cheaper. I can buy anything cheaper than you. (Fifty pence?)

Forty pence! (Thirty pence?) Twenty pence! (No, you can't!) Yes, I can, yes, I can!

Dum (Dee):

Anything you can say; I can say softer. I can say anything softer than you. (No, you can't. [Softly])

Yes, I can. [Softer] (No, you can't. [Softer]) Yes, I can. [Softer] (No, you can't. [Softer])

Yes, I can. [Softer] YES, I CAN! [Full volume]

Dee (Dum):

I can drink my liquor faster than a flicker. (I can drink it quicker and get even sicker!)

I can open any safe. (Without being caught?) Sure. (That's what I thought, you crook!)

Dum (Dee):

Any note you can hold; I can hold longer. I can hold any note longer than you. (No, you can't.)

Yes, I can. (No, you can't). Yes, I can. (No, you can't.) Yes, I can.

Yes, I C-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-N!

1 BAR BREAK

Dee (Dum):

Anything you can wear; I can wear better. In what you wear I'd look better than you. (In my coat?)

In your vest! (In my shoes?) In your hat! (No, you can't!) Yes, I can! Yes, I CAN!

Dum (Dee):

Anything you can say, I can say faster. I can say anything faster than you. (No, you can't. [Fast])

Yes, I can. [Faster] (No, you can't. [Faster]) Yes, I can. [Faster] (No you can’t. [Faster])

Yes, I can! Yes, I can! [Fastest]

Dee (Dum):

I can jump a hurdle. (I can wear a girdle.) I can knit a sweater. (I can fill it better!)

I can do most anything! (Can you bake a pie?) No. (Neither can I.)

Dum (Dee):

Any note you can sing; I can sing sweeter. I can sing anything sweeter than you. (No, you can't. [Sweetly])

Yes, I can. [Sweeter] (No, you can't. [Sweeter]) Yes, I can. [Sweeter] (No, you can't. [Sweeter])

Yes, I can. [Sweeter] (No, you can't. [Sweeter]) Yes, I can. [Sweeter] (No, you can't. [Sweeter])

Yes, I can. [Sweeter] (No, you can't. [Sweeter]) Yes, I can. [Sweeter] (No, you can't, can't, can't. [Sweeter])

Yes, I can, can, can. [Sugary] Yes, I can!/(No, you can't!)]

Headset 1 OFF – Dee

Headset 2 OFF – Dum

44
Alice – Enough! You’re just as bad as each other.

Baby – Preach it sister.

Alice – Now if I’m going to let you get away with trying to frame me, you will have to help me in return. I
promised the Queen of Hearts that I would find her Jam Tarts, and I think I know who it was that took them.

Dum – Who’s that then?

Alice – The Duke obviously.

Both – Ohhhhh!

Dee – Makes sense.

Dum – Yeah that figures.

Alice – So, to start I’ll find the Queen of Heart’s Jam Tarts, before confronting the Duke so smart, a route back
home I will then chart and from there I shall finally depart.

Dee – Ooh rhymey.

Baby – So where exactly are you going to go next?

Alice – That I don’t know.

Dum – The Gryphon!

Alice – Who?

Dee – The Gryphon is a magical creature, with all the knowledge in the universe.

Dum – They will know all the answers that you are seeking.

Alice – And where do I find them?

Both – (Pointing in opposite directions) That way. (Realising and switching) No that way. [They begin to bicker
about which way it is.]

(The Tweedles exit.)

Alice – Do you know?

Baby – I’m a literal baby, not a sat nav. Besides you literally have a magic map.

Alice – Good point.

Baby – Anyway, it’s time for my nap, so I’m gonna love ya and leave you.

(Baby exits, Alice exits a different way.)

Alice – Right Gryphon, here I come…

Music Cue – Evil Theme

Lighting Cue – Red

(The Duke enters eating a Jam Tart.)

Duke – Oh boo me all you like. That’s not going to stop me. Neither are those two imbeciles Tweedle Dum and
Dumberer. Perhaps plan A has failed, but there are 25 more letters of the alphabet to go, but I will only need
one more. Plan B cannot and will not fail! You see, The Gryphon isn’t the only magical being in Wonderland. So
am I. Knave!

45
(Knave enters.)

Knave – Yes sir.

Duke – I have a job for you.

Knave – You’re not going to make me cut your toenails again, are you?

Duke – That’s not until Tuesday Knavey.

Knave – But even your bunions have bunions.

Duke – Anyway, that’s Tuesday’s job.

Knave – So what do you want me to do?

Duke – I need you to isolate the Queen, which will be hard as she’s a social butterfly. And then when she’s
alone and vulnerable, I will be able to strike an attack. I will brain wash the queen, putting her under my spell
so she will believe whatever I say. Then she will blame Alice for stealing the jam tarts, and it will be off with her
head. I will then frame someone else for stealing the tarts. This will leave the Queen in disgrace as she is at
fault for the death of an innocent girl. Then she will have no choice but to step down. At which point I will step
in and give her a taste of her own medicine, with a little execution of my own. (Evil Laugh) And no one can stop
me.

Music Cue – Another One Bites the Dust

Duke:

Knave walks warily down the street, with the brim pulled way down low.

Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet, machine guns ready to go.

Are you ready? Hey, are you ready for this? Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?

Out of the doorway the bullets rip, to the sound of the beat, yeah.

Another one bites the dust; another one bites the dust.

And another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust, yeah.

Hey, I'm gonna get you too, another one bites the dust.

(Knave exits.)

How do you think I'm going to get along, without you, when you're gone.

You took me for everything that I had and kicked me out on my own.

Are you happy, are you satisfied? How long can you stand the heat?

Out of the doorway the bullets rip, to the sound of the beat – look out!

Another one bites the dust; another one bites the dust.

And another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust.

Hey, I'm gonna get you, too, another one bites the dust.

Lighting Cue – Blackout

Headset 1 OFF – Duke

Music Cue – Oh I Do Like to Be Beside the Seaside

46
Scene 3 – The Seaside

Lighting Cue – Yellow

TABS OPEN

Lighting Cue – Cyan

(Mock Turtle enters crying, followed by the gryphon in a strop.)

Gryphon – Seriously, you need to stop crying. (Famous Celeb) is not going to put you into a Mock Turtle Soup.

Mock Turtle – But how do you know that?

Gryphon – Because I know everything. If they can’t (something simple they failed), then they certainly can’t
cook.

Mock Turtle – You promise?

Gryphon – I promise.

Mock Turtle – (Sobbing again) But what if someone else wants to turn me into soup?

Gryphon – I’m not paid enough for this.

(Alice enters.)

Alice – Excuse me, does anyone know where I might find the Great Gryphon?

Gryphon – You are speaking to them right now.

Alice – It’s you! That’s amazing! I really need your help. So basically, someone stole the Queen of Heart’s Jam
Tarts and I think it’s the Duke/ but I have no proof and so….

Gryphon – Slow down girl. I’m kind of the middle of something.

Alice – But this is important.

Gryphon – I’m sure it seems that way to you at the moment, but everyone has problems. And I can’t be seen
dropping someone for someone else. If you think your problems are more important than anyone else’s then
you need to wake up. I’m afraid until I’ve sorted this one out, I can’t help you.

(Gryphon gestures towards Mock Turtle who is still crying. Alice walks and sits next to him.)

Alice – What’s up?

Gryphon – Kind of doing my job here.

Mock Turtle – I’m just not feeling good. I’m scared that someone is going to kill me to go into soup.

Alice – Well, I’m sure no one is going to kill you.

Gryphon – What’s the point of me even being here?

Mock Turtle – But even if they don’t, I’m still not going to achieve my dreams.

Alice – That’s not true, you’re the coolest Mock Turtle I’ve ever met.

Gryphon – And the only Mock Turtle you’ve ever met.

Alice – (to Gryphon) You’re not helping.

47
Gryphon – It’s fine, I’m only an all knowing entity. But I’m sure you don’t need me.

Alice – Sounds like someone’s got some issues of their own that they need to work out.

Gryphon – (Sitting) I just feel invisible sometimes. And I feel like I’m not Ken-ough.

Music Cue – I’m just Ken/Gryph-en

Gryph-en:

Doesn't seem to matter what I do, I'm always number two.

No one knows how hard I tried, oh-oh, I; I have feelings that I can't explain.

Driving me insane, all my life, been so polite. But I'll sleep alone tonight.

'Cause I’m Gryph-en, anywhere else, I’d be a ten.

Is it my destiny to live and die a life of blond fragility?

I'm Gryph-en! Where I see love, she sees a friend.

What will it take for her to see the man behind the tan and fight for me?

(Instrumental)

I wanna know what it's like to love, to be the real thing.

Is it a crime? Am I not hot when I'm in my feelings?

And is my moment finally here, or am I dreaming? I'm no dreamer.

(Instrumental)

All:

Can you feel the Ken-ergy? Feels so real, my Ken-ergy.

Can you feel the Ken-ergy? Feels so real, my Ken-ergy.

Gryph-en (Alice and Mock Turtle):

I’m Gryph-en, anywhere else, I’d be a ten.

Is it my destiny to live and die a life of blond fragility?

I'm Gryph-en! Where I see love, she sees a friend.

What will it take for her to see the man behind the tan and fight for me?

I'm Gryph-en (And their enough) And I'm great at doing stuff.

So, hey, check me out, yeah, I'm Gryph-en!

My Gryph-en (And so am I) Put that manly hand in mine.

So, hey, world, check me out, yeah, I'm Gryph-en!

Baby, I'm Gryph-en!

Gryphon – Like don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but there’s other things I’d rather do with my life.

Mock Turtle – Same here, in fact almost everyone in Wonderland have other places they’d rather be.

Alice – Everyone? Surely not.

48
Gryphon – Yep, everyone.

Alice – Even the queen?

Mock Turtle – Especially the queen.

Alice – Where would she rather be?

Music Cue – If I Were Not in Wonderland [MP3]

Lighting Cue – White

Gryphon – Now that you mention it.

Mock Turtle – Watch this.

Next Person:

If I were not in Wonderland, somewhere else I’d rather be.

If I were not in Wonderland, ______ I would be.

You’d hear me all day long singing out this song.

Queen of Hearts:

On a Road trip.

Seatbelts on, close the door, cruising down the roads.

Gryphon – And the Hatter hates making hats.

Mad Hatter:

At Wimbledon.

Grab the ball, bounce it twice, smash it over the net.

Alice – Oh it’s the white rabbit!

Rabbit – Sorry I’m late.

White Rabbit:

The gym.

Squat down, Lift weights, Jogging on the spot.

Gryphon – I seriously hate my job.

Gryphon:

The Lido.

Dive in, quick swim, dry me with a towel.

Mock Turtle – Ooh, it’s my turn.

Mock Turtle:

A Ballroom.

Knees bent, arms stretched, dancing on my toes.

Mock Turtle – What about you Alice?

49
Alice – Erm well…

Alice:

At Black Rocks.

Harness on, tie my shoes, climbing up the wall.

Mock Turtle – Why does the Cheshire cat always look so happy?

Cheshire Cat:

On the Beach.

Ice slush, by the sea, listen to the waves.

Alice – Wow, hello everyone. Are you okay Cheshire Cat?

Cat – Yeah, I’m fine, I just need a bit of a lie down.

(Cat collapses to the floor and exits at earliest convenience.)

Gryphon – You see Turtle, everyone has dreams different from the lives they’re living now. But that doesn’t
mean that they’re lives suck.

Mock Turtle – I guess so, I just wish I could be a real dancer.

Alice – Well why can’t you?

Mock Turtle – Erm hello, we’re on a beach.

Alice – You can dance anywhere!

Mock Turtle – There’s no judges.

Alice – Queenie, Hatter, Rabbit. You know anything about dance?

Queen – I know everything about everything.

Hatter – I’m like the Craig Revel Horwood of Wonderland.

Rabbit – And I know how many dancers it takes to change a lightbulb.

Gryphon – How many?

Rabbit – 5,6,7,8!

Mock Turtle – But there’s still no audience.

Alice – (Indicating audience) Then who are these guys?

Music Cue – Strictly Come Dancing Theme Tune

(Move to places.)

Alice – Good evening and welcome to Not Strictly Come Dancing. For copyright reasons.

Gryphon – We’re your hosts, Gryphon.

Alice – And Alice.

Gryphon – Let’s meet our judges.

(The judges are sat on a judging panel.)

50
Alice – He knows how to cha-cha-chatter, it’s the ha-ha-hatter.

(He salutes.)

Gryphon – She is always bouncing around, she’s a hip-hop dancer. It’s Rabbit.

(He waves.)

Alice – And she was here, right place, right time. What a coinci-dance. It’s our head judge, the Queen of
Hearts!

Gryphon – Now we have our judges, we need some contestants.

Alice – Now obviously we have the Mock Turtle, but we need some more dancers.

Gryphon – We’re looking for two kids and one adult from the audience.

(Go and find contestants.)

Music Cue – I Like to Move It (Quiet) [FADE when contestants on stage)

(Introduce them on microphone. Ask questions, make jokes.)

Gryphon – Give it up for our contestants everyone!

Alice – So, how this works is, each one of you will do a dance with the Mock Turtle to a famous song.

Gryphon – The judges will then give you a score out of 10.

Alice – The pair with the highest score will be our winners.

Gryphon – Does that make sense?

Alice – Brilliant. (One child) you are going to go first.

Handheld ON – Voiceover

Voiceover – Dancing the Cha-Cha Slide, it’s (Child) and Mock Turtle.

Music Cue – Cha Cha Slide (from 0:50, Fade at 1:30)

Gryphon – Great job, let’s hear what our judges made of that.

Hatter – That was fab-u-lous darling! 10!

Rabbit – Keep dancing like that and you’ll soon be a million-hare. 10!

Queen – That cha cha was a-a-mazing. 10!

Alice – A full house there for (child) and Mock Turtle.

Gryphon – (Other child), you are up next.

Voiceover – Dancing the Macarena, it’s (Child) and Mock Turtle.

Music Cue – Macarena (from 0:00, Fade at 0:28)

Alice – That was outstanding, let’s hear what the judges have to say.

Hatter – You slayed it darling! 10!

Rabbit – I’m so hoppy that you entered. 10!

Queen – Macaren-YAS! That was so slick. 10!

51
Gryphon – Seems like the judges loved that one as (child) and Mock Turtle scored 30/30.

Alice – Now finally it’s your turn (adult).

Voiceover – Dancing the Hand Jive, it’s (adult) and Mock Turtle.

Music Cue – Born to Hand Jive (0:49–2:10)

(Slow clap.)

Handheld OFF – Voiceover

Gryphon – Well that was certainly something…

Alice – Let’s see what the judges thought.

Hatter – That was a complete dance disaster darling! 4.

Rabbit – Some-bunny should’ve stopped you. 5.

Queen – That dance reminded me of a tree…because all I thought was leave. 1! And that’s being generous.

Gryphon – So that means our winners are…(children)

Alice – Congratulations, here are your prizes for doing so amazing.

(Sit them back down.)

Gryphon – Now, I am so sorry (adult) that does mean that you have lost Not Strictly Come Dancing.

Alice – You will unfortunately be leaving the competition.

Gryphon – But before you go you will be doing one last dance.

Alice – On your own. Take it away…one more time!

Music Cue – One More Time (Fade at 1:05)

(Hi Viz Madness. Someone gives the adult a hi viz jacket.)

Alice – Give it up for (adult) everyone!

(Sit them back down. Everyone returns to stage.)

Mock Turtle – Wow, that was amazing. (To different people) Did you see me? Did you see me? Did you see
me?

Gryphon – Yes, we all saw you.

Alice – How did that feel?

Mock Turtle – It was a dream come true.

Alice – See, dreams can come true.

Mock Turtle – So what now?

Rabbit – We go home, I guess.

Queen – Great let’s go.

Hatter – Wait which way is it?

Gryphon – I don’t know.

52
Mock Turtle – Alice, what does your map say?

Alice – Everything has gone faded, except one section in the middle. It says the deep dark wood.

Lighting Cue – Green

Hatter – I want my mummy!

Mock Turtle – I’m too pretty to die!

Rabbit – I’m panicking now!

Queen – Guys, guys, guys. It’s okay, we’re going to be alright.

Gryphon – Are you sure?

Queen – Of course, I’m sure.

Rabbit – Whenever I’m scared, I like to distract myself by singing a song.

Alice – What a good idea.

Gryphon – If you see anything scary come along will you let us know?

Mock Turtle – Will you? That’s good!

Alice – But what shall we sing?

Rabbit – Hmmm.

Queen – I’ve got an idea.

Music Cue – Ghostbusters (Fade when Ghost exits)

(A Ghost comes behind them and scares off the White Rabbit.)

All:

If there’s something strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters.

If there’s something weird and it don’t look good, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters.

Hatter – Wait, wait, wait! Where’s the White Rabbit? Do you guys know where he’s gone?

All – A what? A ghost? No. No. There wasn’t. There wasn’t. Wasn’t, wasn’t, wasn’t. Oh no there wasn’t. Was
there? Well, why didn’t you warn us? Well, we’ll have to do it again then, won’t we, whoopsie.

Music Cue – Ghostbusters (0:20, Fade when Ghost exits)

(A Ghost comes behind them and scares off Hatter.)

All:

If there’s something strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters.

If there’s something weird and it don’t look good, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters.

Mock Turtle – Wait, wait, wait! Where’s the Hatter? Do you guys know where he’s gone?

All – A what? A ghost? No. No. There wasn’t. There wasn’t. Wasn’t, wasn’t, wasn’t. Oh no there wasn’t. Was
there? Well, why didn’t you warn us? Well, we’ll have to do it again then, won’t we, whoopsie.

Music Cue – Ghostbusters (0:20, Fade when Ghost exits)

(A Ghost comes behind them and scares off Mock Turtle.)

53
 All:

If there’s something strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters.

If there’s something weird and it don’t look good, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters.

Gryphon – Wait, wait, wait! Where’s Mock Turtle? Do you guys know where she’s gone?

All – A what? A ghost? No. No. There wasn’t. There wasn’t. Wasn’t, wasn’t, wasn’t. Oh no there wasn’t. Was
there? Well, why didn’t you warn us? Well, we’ll have to do it again then, won’t we, whoopsie.

Headset 1 ON – Queen of Hearts

Headset 2 ON – Alice

Music Cue – Ghostbusters (0:20, Fade when Ghost exits)

(A Ghost comes behind them and scares off Gryphon.)

All:

If there’s something strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters.

If there’s something weird and it don’t look good, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters.

Alice – Wait, wait, wait! Where’s Gryphon? Do you guys know where they’ve gone?

Both – A what? A ghost? No. No. There wasn’t. There wasn’t. Wasn’t, wasn’t, wasn’t. Oh no there wasn’t. Was
there? Well, why didn’t you warn us? Well, we’ll have to do it again then, won’t we, whoopsie.

Music Cue – Ghostbusters (0:20, Fade when Ghost exits)

(A Ghost comes behind them and scares off Alice.)

Both:

If there’s something strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters.

If there’s something weird and it don’t look good, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters.

Headset 2 OFF – Alice

Queen – Wait, wait, wait! Where’s Alice? Do you guys know where she’s gone? A what? A ghost? No. No.
There wasn’t. There wasn’t. Wasn’t, wasn’t, wasn’t. Oh no there wasn’t. Was there? Well, why didn’t you warn
me? Well, I’ll have to do it again then, won’t I, whoops-I.

Music Cue – Ghostbusters (0:20, Fade when Ghost taps the Queen on the Shoulder.)

Queen:

If there’s something strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters.

If there’s something weird and it don’t look good, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters.

(Ghost taps the Queen on her shoulder. They slowly turn to each other. Silence. The Ghost screams and runs
off.)

Queen – How dare you! Come back here you rude ghost!

Headset 1 OFF – Queen of Hearts

(The Queen walks off towards the direction the ghost exited but is intercepted by the Duke and Knave.)

Duke – Not so fast.

54
(The Duke clicks and the Queen faints, caught by the Knave.)

Lighting Cue – Red

Music Cue – Ghostbuster Theme Epic Version

Duke – You are now fast asleep. Floating, drifting and dreaming. You are now completely under my spell.
Listen carefully to my voice, concentrate only on my voice. When you awake, you will whole heartedly believe
that Alice is the person who stole your Jam Tarts. She has been lying to everyone in Wonderland and has made
you look like a proper mug. You will not let her get away with this, if you do then it’ll ruin your reputation
forever. It has to be OFF WITH HER HEAD!

(The Duke clicks. The Queen wakes back up.)

Queen – It was Alice who stole my Jam Tarts!

Duke – Are you sure ma’am she seems like such a nice girl?

Queen – I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.

DUke – Apologies for even questioning you.

Queen – Knave, find Alice and arrest her.

Knave – Yes Ma’am.

(The Knave exits.)

Queen – Someone call Claudia Winkleman, we’ve got a traitor in our midst.

(The Queen exits. The Duke makes sure she’s gone.)

Duke – Yes, it’s me.

(Evil laugh.)

Lighting Cue – Blackout (on Beat Drop)

Music Cue – Run Ghostbusters, Stop at 1:35

Scene 4 – The Courtroom

Lighting Cue – Yellow

(Queen of Hearts is stood behind one dock, The Duke is stood next to her. A second dock is empty, the Mad
Hatter is stood by it. Centre stage is a judge’s box. The Cheshire Cat is stood like a security guard. Everyone else
is stood about watching as one of their characters, except Carly Caucus. The White Rabbit stands centre stage.
There is general chatter. Alice is dragged on by the Knave of Hearts and placed into the empty dock.)

Alice – Get off me and let me go, I haven’t done anything.

Knave – That’s for the judge to decide.

(The Knave goes and stands with the crowd.)

Hatter – Don’t worry Al, you’ve got me as your defence. How fun. Yay! (He giggles)

Alice – Ugh, brilliant.

(Everyone falls quiet.)

Rabbit – Please rise for her honour, the high judge of all of Wonderland, Judge Caucus.

55
(Everyone rises, Carly Caucus walks in as a judge.)

Judge – Please be seated. Rabbit, read the accusation.

(Rabbit opens up a scroll.)

Rabbit – The Cook so smart, he made some tarts, all on a summer’s day. The Queen of Hearts, she won those
tarts, in a game of croquet. Though when Miss Hearts, received those tarts, and much to her dismay. Alice
took part, in stealing those tarts, and took them quite away.

Judge – What?

Rabbit – Basically they think Alice did it, innit.

Judge – Oh okay. We shall start with the prosecution.

Duke – Thank you your honour. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I know some of you can’t even imagine how
someone could even consider committing such a heinous crime. And to be honest I don’t know how Alice
could have either.

Hatter – Objection.

Judge – On what grounds?

Hatter – Oh I don’t know, I just wanted to say it for fun. Hehe.

Judge – Overruled, please continue Duke.

Duke – Well I don’t think it really matters why she did it, we just need to prove she’s guilty. Would you like to
tell the jury your side of the story Queenie?

Queen – With pleasure.

Judge – Proceed.

Headset 1 ON – Queen of Hearts

Headset 2 ON – Alice

Music Cue – Don’t Lose Your Head

Queen of Hearts (Ensemble):

Grew up in a French court, Oui, Oui Bonjour, life was a chore, so. (She set sail.)

2022, came straight to the UK. All the British dude’s lame. (Epic fail! Ooh-ooh.)

I like to dance and sing. (Politics.) Ew, not my thing. (Ooh-ooh.)

But then I met the king, and soon my daddy said, "You should try and get ahead!"

Alice – Objection, relevance!

Judge – Overruled.

Queen of Hearts (Ensemble):

He wanted me, hah, obviously, kept messaging me like every day.

Wed by the seaside, I was the hot bride, but then he sadly passed away. (Boo-hoo.)

Alice (Ensemble):

Your story’s kinda dry. (Ooh-ooh.) Makes me wanna cry. (Ooh-ooh.)

56
 Bet he was a nice guy, but to get with you maybe, he’s a bit crazy. (Uh-oh, here we go.)

Queen of Hearts:

Who on earth is this?

Alice (Ensemble):

Someone with more sense than you, missus. (What?)

Get a life! (Don’t mess with the wife!) But what she’s gonna do?

Queen of Hearts:

Sorry, not sorry ’bout what I said. I'm just trying to have some fun.

Don't worry, don't worry. Don't lose your head. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

LOL, say 'Oh, well!', or go to hell! But you’ll be sorry for what you’ve said. OFF WITH HER HEAD!

Alice (Ensemble):

(Stop we beg! But the little one says,) "If you want me dead, make up your mind!"

Her or me, hun, you don’t wanna be some, manipulated dum dum, are you blind?

(Ooh-rude.) I’m just a winner. (Ooh-true.)

Queen of Hearts (Ensemble):

More like a sinner. (Ooh-who?)

Alice:

Why hasn’t it hit her? No one really likes you.

Queen of Hearts:

You’re so full of spite you.

Alice (Ensemble):

(Uh-oh.) Here we go. (Your comments going viral.)

I didn't really mean it, but rumours spiral. (Wow Al, way to make the country hate you!)

Queen of Hearts:

Wait till I get my hands on you!

Judge – Order!

Alice:

Sorry, not sorry ’bout what I said. I'm just trying to have some fun.

Don't worry, don't worry. Don't lose your head. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

LOL, say 'Oh, well!', or go to hell! I won’t be sorry for what I’ve said.

Queen of Hearts:

OFF WITH HER HEAD!

Duke – Seems open and shut to me.

57
 Rabbit:

Let me interject, but out of respect. I hate to interrupt, well generally.

But if Alice stole the tarts, where are they Queen of Hearts? I think you’ll find she’s holy.

Alice:

The rules were very mixed. The croquet match was a fix.

Ensemble:

Soon you’ll be executed.

Queen of Hearts:

Everybody chill, I don’t always kill.

Hatter – I want to say something now!

Queen of Hearts (Alice):

I went to try one, but then they were all gone! I think it was Alice. (No not me!)

Cuz if that's how it's gonna be, maybe I'll steal your fave things, you’ll see. Just to make you jell.

Give them back now or I’ll go mental, I’ll scream and shout. (Ugh so judgemental!)

You little thief! (Mate, just shut up! You’ll be the one feeling grief. When I am let off.)

Ensemble:

Uh-oh, here we go.

Queen of Hearts:

What was that you said?

Alice:

I didn’t steal your tarts hun.

Queen:

Off with her head!

Alice (Ensemble):

(No!) Wait do you think that she means it? (Seems it.)

What am I meant to do? (What is she meant to do?)

Like, what am I meant to do? (What is she meant to do?)

No, but what am I meant to do?

All:

Sorry, not sorry ’bout what I said. I'm just trying to have some fun.

Don't worry, don't worry. Don't lose your head. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

LOL, say 'Oh, well!', or go to hell!

Queen of Hearts:

58
 Just go to hell!

Alice (Ensemble):

I’m so sorry about what I said. (She’s so sorry about what she said.)

I’m so so sorry about what I said.

Queen of Hearts:

OFF WITH HER HEAD!

Headset 1 OFF – Queen of Hearts

Headset 2 OFF – Alice

Duke – The prosecution rests.

Judge – Over to the defence.

Hatter – Please call ‘The First Witness.’

All – The First Witness!

Hatter – Thank you. Look Alice, did you do it?

Alice – No!

Hatter – Then there you go. The defence rests.

Judge – Okay then.

Alice – What?

Hatter – Well what else am I meant to say?

Judge – Well if that’s all then I’m afraid I’ve reached a verdict. Alice the Court finds you…

Music Cue – Past Lines Montage (Pre-Recorded Vocals) [MP3]

Scarlett:

Book are the only thing I have to escape.

Voice:

Eat me. Drink me.

Carly:

Well, anything is possible in Wonderland.

Caterpillar:

What am I?

Baby:

Waaaaaa, if you know what I mean.

Alice:

You’re crazy!

Cheshire Cat:

59
 Aren’t we all.

Mad Hatter:

No no sleeping, it’s time for tea.

Not just mad, bonkers. Completely off my head. But I’ll tell you a secret, all the best people are.

Rabbit:

Wonderland is a better place with you in it Alice.

Queen:

OFF WITH HER HEAD!

Dee/Dum:

Where did you come from?

Gryphon:

If you think your problems are more important than anyone else’s then you need to wake up.

Mock Turtle:

I’m not going to achieve my dreams.

Rabbit:

But you’re the VIP!

Alice:

I’m just a girl called Alice.

All (Crossing Over):

A girl called Alice.

Alice – That’s it. Wait!

Judge – What?

Queen – What?

Duke – WHAT!

Alice – I’d like to call a surprise witness to the stand…the White Rabbit.

Duke – Objection, that’s just ludicrous. She’s the one on trial.

Judge – It’s unconventional, but this whole trial has been. I’ll allow it. Objection overruled.

Alice – So Rabbit, when I entered Wonderland, what was one of the first things you told me about who I was?

Rabbit – I told you that you’re the VIP.

Alice – Correct and you say Wonderland is a better place with me in it?

Rabbit – That’s true.

Alice – But I put it to you, that without me – the VIP – Wonderland wouldn’t be a place at all.

Rabbit – What do you mean?

60
Alice – I put it to you Queenie, that you will never chop off my head…because you can’t.

Queen – What?

Alice – Duke, do me a favour and answer this riddle. I may seem real, yet I am not, once you're gone, I'm often
forgot. Time here stretches and it shrinks, it all depends on how you think. I may be good, I may be bad, I may
be the same as one you've had. What am I?

Duke – A dream.

Alice – Exactly. All this. It’s just a dream. And all I need to do to end all this, is wake up.

Headset 2 ON – Alice

Music Cue – I’m Only Sleeping

Alice:

When I wake up early in the morning, lift my head, I'm still yawning.

When I'm in the middle of a dream, stay in bed, float up stream.

Please, don't wake me, no, don't shake me. Leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping.

Everybody seems to think I'm lazy, I don't mind, I think they're crazy.

Running everywhere at such a speed, till they find there's no need.

Please, don't spoil my day, I'm miles away. And after all, I'm only sleeping.

(Choreography begins. Sways.)

All:

Keeping an eye on the world going by my window, taking my time.

Lying there and staring at the ceiling, waiting for a sleepy feeling.

(People begin to disappear. Starting with the White Rabbit.)

Alice:

Please, don't spoil my day, I'm miles away, and after all, I'm only sleeping.

TABS CLOSE

Keeping an eye on the world going by my window, taking my time.

When I wake up early in the morning, lift my head, I'm still yawning.

When I'm in the middle of a dream, stay in bed, float up stream.

Please, don't wake me, no, don't shake me, leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping.

(Alice falls asleep. Scarlett comes through the tab and sits next to her. Alice begins to slowly wake up, book in
hand.)

Headset 1 ON – Scarlett

Scarlett – Wakey wakey, sleepy head.

Alice – Scarlett? I’m back.

(She hugs her tightly.)

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Scarlett – Woah, easy tiger. Slow down. You’ve been here the whole time.

Alice – Well yes, but also no.

Scarlett – (Laughing) You’re so weird. You did a good job though, you slept for about 90 minutes. That’s a long
nap.

Alice – Trust me, I need a lie down now.

Scarlett – Well that’s good because it’s time to go home. The rents will be back from Bingo by now.

Alice – That’s good. I’ve missed them.

Scarlett – Okay!

Alice – And you. I love you…sis!

Scarlett – Right back at you little one.

TABS OPEN

Music Cue – Pure Imagination (from 2:19 to End)

(Everyone is stood on the stage as one of their characters.)

Alice – I’ve got one question. Why do you have whiskers?

Scarlett – I don’t. It’s just your imagination.

(She winks to the audience knowingly.)

All:

If you want to view magic lands.

Close your eyes and you will see one.

Want to be a dreamer, be one.

Anytime you please and please save me one.

Scarlett:

Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure imagination.

Alice:

Being there, you'll be free, if you truly wish to be.

Lighting Cue – Blackout

TABS CLOSE

Headset 1 OFF – Scarlett

Headset 2 OFF – Alice

(Hold for applause.)

Music Cue – Wonderland (0:45, Fade on Entrance)

Song Sheet

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Lighting Cue – White

Headset 1 ON – White Rabbit

Headset 2 ON – Queen of Hearts

(The White Rabbit and Queen of Hearts enter.)

Rabbit – Hello everyone!

Queen – Did you enjoy the show?

Rabbit – Brilliant! We did notice however that no one has won the bingo yet.

Queen – Hands up if you only have one number left?

Rabbit – That looks like all of you – hint hint. Well, the show isn’t quite over yet.

Queen – Remember when you tick it off to shout, PANTO, nice and loud.

Rabbit – Now, while we’ve been finishing off Act 2, you guys have had an easy time just sitting there.

Queen – But that’s not how we run things here, everyone has to do their bit.

Rabbit – So we thought we’d all sing a song together.

Queen – Not just any song, but my absolute banger that I wrote all about my favourite past time, shopping.

Rabbit – You made it ages ago, didn’t you?

Queen – I did, but then a scruffy haired ginger stole my tune.

Rabbit – Prince Harry?

Queen – No Ed Sheeran.

Rabbit – Ohhh!

Queen – And his version was a big hit. You probably will recognise the tune. It’s really simple, it goes just like
this.

Music Cue – Shape of You (0:45-1:30 [FADE])

I only came in for shampoo. Now I’ve got eggs and chocolate too.

And some tissues for the flu. That’s the trouble with shopping.

And a list is just no use. Now I’m stocked up on Orange Juice.

Looking for items that are reduced. That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Looking for items that are reduced. What are we going to do?

Rabbit – It’s that simple. And the words should be coming up on the screen behind us.

Queen – There we are, perfect.

Rabbit – Shall we all give it a go together?

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Music Cue – Shape of You (0:45-1:30 [FADE])

I only came in for shampoo. Now I’ve got eggs and chocolate too.

And some tissues for the flu. That’s the trouble with shopping.

And a list is just no use. Now I’m stocked up on Orange Juice.

Looking for items that are reduced. That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Looking for items that are reduced. What are we going to do?

Queen – Great job guys.

Rabbit – Queenie, not to be rude, but I think my side was better than yours.

Queen – Oh no you weren’t.

Rabbit – Oh yes, we were.

Queen – Oh no you weren’t.

Rabbit – Oh yes, we were.

Queen – Oh no you weren’t.

Rabbit – Oh yes, we were.

Queen – Enough! There’s only one way to settle this. Alice!

(Alice enters.)

Handheld ON – Alice

Alice – Yes Queenie.

Queen – We need you to be a judge, for our sing off!

Rabbit – You need to be 100% fair and impartial.

Alice – Okay sounds good.

Queen – We’ll go first because I’m the Queen.

Rabbit – Go ahead, first the worst, second the best and all that.

Alice – Okay Queenie’s side, let’s see what you’ve got.

Music Cue – Shape of You (0:45-1:30 [FADE])

I only came in for shampoo. Now I’ve got eggs and chocolate too.

And some tissues for the flu. That’s the trouble with shopping.

And a list is just no use. Now I’m stocked up on Orange Juice.

Looking for items that are reduced. That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

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 Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Looking for items that are reduced. What are we going to do?

Queen – Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

Rabbit – Oh are you finished? Sorry you were just so dull, I fell asleep.

Queen – I’d like to see you do better.

Rabbit – Lucky for you, you’re about too.

Alice – Okay this side, it’s over to you.

Music Cue – Shape of You (0:45-1:30 [FADE])

I only came in for shampoo. Now I’ve got eggs and chocolate too.

And some tissues for the flu. That’s the trouble with shopping.

And a list is just no use. Now I’m stocked up on Orange Juice.

Looking for items that are reduced. That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Looking for items that are reduced. What are we going to do?

Rabbit – Get in there! We definitely won.

Queen – No we won!

(They begin to fight.)

Alice – Guys, guys, guys! Stop fighting. I can’t call it, both sides did amazingly. How about as it’s nearly
Christmas, we all do it, all together…one more time!

Music Cue – One More Time (0:00–0:30)

(Hi Viz Madness.)

Queen – I suppose we could.

Rabbit – If we must.

Alice – Good. Now shake hands. Go on, shake them.

(They reluctantly shake hands.)

Alice – There we go, everybody singing together this time. Let’s blow the roof off this place. Shouldn’t be hard.

Music Cue – Shape of You (0:45-1:30 [FADE])

I only came in for shampoo. Now I’ve got eggs and chocolate too.

And some tissues for the flu. That’s the trouble with shopping.

And a list is just no use. Now I’m stocked up on Orange Juice.

65
 Looking for items that are reduced. That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, Oh-No, That’s the trouble with shopping.

Looking for items that are reduced. What are we going to do?

Alice – Great job guys.

Rabbit – We’ve gotta go and get changed for the finale now.

Queen – Yeah, we don’t have long to do it.

Alice – Wait how many seconds do we have?

All – 34! Pantooooo!

Rabbit – Well done everyone.

(They exit.)

Headset 1 OFF – White Rabbit

Headset 2 OFF – Queen

Handheld OFF – Alice

Lighting Cue – Blackout

Finale

Music Cue – Am I Ready (MP3)

Lighting Cue – Pink

Design Cue – Hi Viz for Costumes, Confetti Drop

(After all bows and choreography finished.)

Handheld ON

(Post show announcements.)

Schadenfreude – Now give it up for the cast of Alice in Wonderland – Pantooooo…ONE MORE TIME!

Music Cue – One More Time

Music Cue – After Show Music

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