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THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF ALICE IN UNDERLAND

SCOTT M. KOLOD (ADAPTATION WRITER/DIRECTOR)
CHESHIRE CAT INTRO

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. As you can see, I am a cat. A Cheshire cat to be precise. I will be
acting as your MC this evening. Hashtag coolness , joy, and special powers! You see, I can travel from
the real world to Underland in the blink of an eye. And vice-versa , of course. So, I will be taking you on
a journey into the Continuing Adventures of Alice In Underland. You may think that you have seen this
before, but you haven’t. Oh no! This is STAR’s original production as adapted by Scott Kolod to
incorporate the original two books, the Disney animated movie, and the Junior script. And to top it all
off, we used some great ideas from the recent Johnny Depp movie. No… Johnny won’t be in this one,
but don’t worry, you won’t miss him. In order to make this show a success, you will play a big part.
When you hear something funny laugh hard, and the actors will feed off you , and, thanks to your
efforts, the show will be even better. Let’s practice. At the count of three, let’s pretend I just said the
funniest joke. 1…2…3… The same thing with clapping, hooting and hollering. At the count of three, let’s
pretend I just finished singing the best song you ever heard. 1…2…3….Feel free to clap and join in
anytime!

Ok and now the usual jazz: No flash photography. No recording of any kind. Turn off your phone, I-
Pads, computers,…kids, and whatever makes irritating noises.

As you can see by the sign on the door, our story begins right here at the STAR Repertory Theatre drama
camp, on the stage of the state-of-the-art Maxine Theater. The class is just returning from lunch.

ACT I

Scene One - Classroom

(Classroom setting with Dry- erase board depicting important facts about the Alice story/author.
Mathilda, then noisy kids, come into class.)

Miss Mathilda:
Settle down, settle down. Who can tell me where we left off?

(Alice One raises hand)

Gigi:
I know, Miss Mathilda!

Miss Mathilda:
Alright Gigi, why don’t you tell us?
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Alice One:
But Miss Mathilda, I raised my hand first. And after all, my name is Alice.

Miss Mathilda:
Now Alice, just because we are studying Alice in Wonderland, doesn’t mean that your name gets you
special privileges.

Alice One:
But, I raised my hand first!

Miss Mathilda:
Now Alice!
(Gigi sticks out her tongue and Alice who dejectedly crosses her arms)
Go ahead, Gigi.

Gigi:
We were studying Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. We had just finished learning a song about the
story that we are going to perform on Friday. And you were just about to pick a student to lead the class
in practicing it, and then the lunch bell rang.

Miss Mathilda:
Very good Gigi. Alright who would like to lead…?
(Cary’s hand shoots up before the question is finished)
Aright…Cary. Go ahead.

Alice One:
But, you didn’t even finish the question!
(Miss Mathilda gives her a look that shuts her up. Cary pushes the CD player button)

ALICE IN WONDERLAND (TRACK 2) (sung by student ensemble)

Alice in Wonderland. How do you get to Wonderland? Over the hill or Underland. Or just behind the tree.
Where can it be? Oh. Oh. Oh. Past the rainbow follow the brightest star. Your heart will lead you straight
to who you are. Alice in Wonderland. Where is the path to Wonderland? Over the hill or here or there?
I wonder where.

Miss Mathilda:

Very good class. Now, I want to tell you a little bit about the Jabberwok. A lot of people call him the
Jabberwocky, but when Lewis Carroll wrote about him, he was just called the Jabberwok.

The Jabberwok was not actually in Alice in Wonderland. He only appears in the sequel which is called
Through the Looking Glass. He is a fearsome dragon-type creature that can fly. He is the thing that
gives the Red Queen her power. The Red Queen has control over the Jabberwok. He destroys her
enemies for her, and holds the White Queen as prisoner in her castle.

Now turn to page 16 in your books. (pause) Who wants to read?

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Alice One:
(As loud as she can) I do!

Miss Mathilda:
Alice! What did I tell you about yelling out?

Alice One:
But you asked a question.

Miss Mathilda:
Go to the corner!

Alice One:
But…

Miss Mathilda:
Go!
(Alice goes to the corner)
Ryley. Please start reading at the top of page 16.

Ryley:
JABBERWOCKY POEM-(Excitedly recited by Ryley to audience and class)

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his Vorpal sword in hand:

Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,

The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
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One, two! One, two! And through and through

The Vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

Miss Mathilda:
Very good Ryley. OK, now who can tell me what all those words mean…? Ticki?
(Ticki pantomimes talking. Lights go down on class and up on Alice in the corner)

DODGSONLAND (TRACK 3 turn of at 32 )

Alice One:
I never get picked. I hate this camp. It’s not democratic! Why, It’s un-American!! I wish I was back at my
old camp. Oh, if only I could create my own world.

Cats and rabbits would reside in fancy little houses and be dressed in shoes and hats and trousers

All:
In a world of your (my) own

Ticki (continues):
…and so the egg explained that only the mouse had the eye that could be exchanged with the
Bandersnatch to get the key…

DODGSONLAND (TRACK 4)

Alice One:
Books are boring! I would rather live my life exploring, like Columbus on a voyage touring…

All:
…through a world of her (my) own.

Ticki (continues):
…to open the case to get the Sword of Vorpal which is the only thing that can kill the Jabberwocky…

Alice One:
No more trouble, for the greatest problem would be things a child could understand

All:
Maybe somehow, if the world could run on dreams and make believe and fun.
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Alice One:
Then I could be most anyone!

All:
Your world would be a Wonderland. Life could be a Wonderland (Life could be a Wonderland (echo))xx3

Just remember: Look out before you leap. It’s a world of wonders: the memories are yours to keep.
Alice in Wonderland. Where is the path to Wonderland? Over the hill or here or there? I wonder where?

Miss Mathilda:
Very good Ticki. Now, who would you children want to be, if you were a character in Alice in
Wonderland?

Tacky (should be off cast Hatter):

“The Mad Hatter”!

Ticki (should be off cast Cat)i:

“The Cheshire Cat”!!

Tocki (should be off cast Caterpillar):

“The Blue Caterpillar”

Melanie:
I’d like to be the White Queen!

Gigi:
But she’s locked up and has a dragon outside her castle.

(Underscoring music starts)

Melanie:
I can just picture her now, brushing her long hair in the window.

(Lights go down on class, and on up the White Queen castle. The White Queen is in the window of the
castle brushing her hair. The shadow of the Jabberwok passes a few times during her song.)

WHEN WILL LIFE BEGIN-THE WHITE QUEEN’S SONG) (TRACK 5) - (Sung by White Queen from Tangled-
about her life in the castle)

White Queen:
Look at the world so close and I’m halfway to it. Look at it all so big, do I even doubt? Look at me, here
at last I just have to do it. Should I? No. Here I go.

Fly away Mr. Bluebird. Shooo! You mustn’t come around here. The same Jabberwock that keeps me a
prisoner would be sure to hurt you. That’s it. Fly away! Fly away! Go land on someone’s shoulder.
Perhaps they will sing a song about you. Someday I shall be free just like you. (Jabberwock screeches)
Alice will come. I just know it. She will slay you. You nasty old Jabberwock. (Jabberwock screeches
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again) She’ll come with the sword of Vorpal and she will slay you. And I will take care of my sister and
shall be free to live my life the way I always dreamed it.

I’d smell the grass the dirt just like I dreamed they’d be. Just feel that summer breeze, the way it’s calling
me. And like the first time ever, completely free. I could go running, and racing, and dancing, and
chasing, and leaping, and bounding, or flying, or pounding, and splashing, and reeling and finally feeling.
That’s when my life begins.

(Lights switch from castle to Alice Two played by an off-cast Alice One).

Alice Two:
(To Alice One) Hey! Hey! Hey! Who are you? I mean… Who am I? I mean… (Looks closer) You’re me.
(Slowly) I am you. What am I doing down there? (Pats Alice One’s sleeping body) This is me!

WHITE RABBIT ENTRANCE (TRACK 6) (White Rabbit runs in from audience and ignores Alice and sings
I’m late. The class and Alice Two sing the back-up)

White Rabbit:
Oh dear!!

WHITE RABBIT ENTRACE (TRACK 7)

White Rabbit:
Oh dear!! Oh dear!!

I’M LATE! (TRACK 8) (Cheshire Cat first appears at Tic Toc Tic Toc during the song singing with White
Rabbit., and continues to appear here and there during the song)

Alice Two (Spoken with song underscoring):

Now come on, how cool is that! The White Rabbit! Now, what’s the right thing to say to a talking
rabbit? What’s up, doc? No, huh? Uhm, I mean… hi, my name is Alice…or do you already know that?

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say, “Hello” Goodbye!
I’m late! I’m late! I’m late! I’m late!

All: (Not Rabbit):

He’s overdue. He’s in a rabbit stew.

White Rabbit:
Can’t even say “Goodbye”…

All: (Not Rabbit):

Hello!
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White Rabbit:
I’m late! I’m late! I’m late! I run and then I hop, hop, hop. I wish that I could fly. There’s danger if I stop,
stop, stop. And here’s the reason why:

All: (Rabbit):
We know! You’re late. It’s clear. So why are you still here?

White Rabbit:
I’ll never make it now, I fear…

All: (Not Rabbit):

You’re late! You’re late! You’re late!

Alice:
But where are you running to?

White Rabbit:
Well, since you ask, I am supposed to invite the Duchess to the Queen’s chess…

All: (Not any Alice or Rabbit):

He’s got to go!

White Rabbit:
I think my watch is slow. I wound it up, but now it’s wound, it makes a funny ticking sound!

Cheshire Cat:
Tick , tock; Tick , tock ; Tick , tock. It’s rather like a clock.

White Rabbit:
And thanks to that I have to run, when I’d prefer to walk.

All: (Not any Rabbit):

He really hates to rush, rush, rush. It makes him awfully dizzy. But still it’s always mush, mush, mush.

White Rabbit:
It happens when you’re busy!

All: (Not Rabbit):

Busy! Busy! Busy!

White Rabbit:
Yes! Yes! And now as you can guess: No time to say “Hello”…

All: (Not Rabbit):

Goodbye! You’re late! You’re late! You’re late!

Alice:
Curiouser and curiouser! Hadn’t you better be going, then?
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White Rabbit:
I don’t believe I’ve explained myself quite fully.

All: (Not Rabbit):

You have! You have!

White Rabbit:
Please be quiet. Time is of the essence!

All: (Not Rabbit):

The time is really flying by; We must be having fun. But now there’s no denying…

White Rabbit:
Why, I haven’t yet begun.

All: (Not Rabbit):

Oh no!

White Rabbit:
I mustn’t stay. There must be no delay.

All: (Not Rabbit):

And now you must be on your way.

White Rabbit:
I’m late.

All: (Not Rabbit):

Now don’t forget to write; We know your schedule’s really tight.

White Rabbit:
I’m late.

All: (Not Rabbit):

Oh, look: it’s half past ten; He must be there and back again.

White Rabbit:
I’m late.

All: (Not Rabbit):

We know!

White Rabbit:
I’m late.

All: (Not Rabbit):

So go!
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White Rabbit:
I’m late.

All: (Not Rabbit):

Late! Late! Late! Late! Late! Late! Late! Late!

White Rabbit:
Wait!

All: (Not Rabbit):

What!

White Rabbit:
I’m late…

Well…

All: (Not Rabbit):

Late. YOU”RE LATE

White Rabbit:
Oh dear, I’m late, and only I can wake you up! Only I can wake you up!

Alice Two:
What do you mean, only you can wake me up?

White Rabbit:
But, I can’t wake you up because I’m late!
(Cheshire cat disappears at end of song. NOTE TO ALICE’S—IF WE CAN FLY AN ALICE UP, THE LINES
WILL BE SPLIT DIFFERENTLY. White Rabbit goes up to the hole. Alice Two says the following soliloquy as
she follows after the White Rabbit. )

Alice Two:
Where are you going? What do you mean “only you can wake me up”? Oh Mr. Rabbit, where did you
go? (Keep repeating such things until the Rabbit can appear on top of the mountain)

White Rabbit (From up on the platform):

I have a chess match to set up

(He only has to look like he is going in the hole. He does not have to go in the hole)

Alice Two:
A what? Wait for me.

White Rabbit:
Sorry, but I have to go down my hole. The Queen doesn’t like me to be late! She’ll cut off my head!!
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Alice Two:
Should I or shouldn’t I/ You know what they say: ”if you don’t explore, you’ll never discover.” But Miss
Mathilda always says, “Look before you leap.” …
(Again, Alice One, Two and Three may all be rearranged. Alice Two goes off-stage, and if there is a
harness, Alice Three comes out at top of hole pre-harnessed and hooked up. Class exits.)

Alice Two/Three:
Well, I’m looking before I’m leaping, and it looks pretty deep and dark, and I can’t see the bottom, and
maybe it goes all the way to the center of the earth, and I’ll be burnt to a crisp in the molten core like
the bad marshmallow we’ve heard so much about!
(pause)
Or not.
(pause)
Ok, I looked. Now it’s time to leap!
(pause)
No. I don’t think so.

Cheshire Cat (Who pops out behind her):

Oh, just go!!

Scene Two- Falling down the hole to Underland

(She is startled, and falls. After the initial scare, we see she is falling very, very slowly and starts the long
winch ride down. She takes down a jar from one of the shelves as she passes; it is labeled ‘ORANGE
MARMALADE’, but to her great disappointment it is empty. She manages to put it into one of the
cupboards as she falls past it.)

Alice Two/Three (from now on, script will say Three or just plain Alice):
Well! After such a fall as this, I’ll never worry about tumbling down the stairs again! How brave they’ll all
think I am at home! Why, I wouldn’t say anything about it, even if I fell off the top of the house! I
wonder how many miles I’ve fallen by this time? I must be getting somewhere near the center of the
earth. Let me see: that would be four thousand miles down, I think——yes, that’s about the right
distance—but then I wonder what Latitude or Longitude I’ve got to?

Book One (Face in book on shelf):

You silly girl. There’s no Latitude or Longitude. Only down.

Book Two:
Only down… And up.

Book One:
There’s no up for her! She can’t fall up!

Book Two:
If there’s down, there’s always up!
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Alice Three:
Excuse me. Did you books just talk?

Book One:
Of course we did!

Alice Three:
But books can’t talk!

Book Two:
We have words don’t we?

Alice Three:
Well, yes, but…

Book Two:
And talking involves words right?

Alice Three:
Yes, but I don’t talk to books.

Book One:
Then we won’t talk to you either!

Alice Three:
But, but…

Book Two:
Well I think…

Book One:
Sshhh, don’t talk to her.

Book Two:
Oh yeah, right.

Alice Three:
But won’t you at least tell me where I am going? (pause) Did a white rabbit come down here? (pause)
I wonder if I shall fall right through the earth! How funny it’ll seem to come out among the people that
walk with their heads downward! I shall have to ask them what the name of the country is, you know.
Please, Ma’am, is this New Zealand or Australia? And what an ignorant little girl they’ll think me for
asking! No, it’ll never do to ask: perhaps I shall see it written down somewhere…or up somewhere.

And where is that Cat? I wish he were down here with me! There are no mice in the air, I’m afraid, but
he might catch a bat, and that’s very like a mouse, you know. But do cats eat bats, I wonder? Do cats eat
bats? Do cats eat bats? Do bats eat cats?
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Scene Three-Doorway to Underland

(She lands behind a big mushroom where she can get unharnessed. An Alice walks to the bureau and
small door. Alice Little and Big are pre-set behind bureau. She is looking at the door).

Alice:
That must be where the White Rabbit went. I have to get in.

(She tugs on the Doorknob which yelps in pain)

Doorknob:
Yeeeoooowwww! Leggo of my schnazzola already!

Alice Three:
Oh, I’m sorry. I have to find the White Rabbit.

Doorknob:
Who taught you to go around pulling on people’s proboscises…essess…ss?

Alice Three:
You’re not a person; you’re a piece of housing material.

Doorknob:
Well, doorknobs have feelings too.

Alice Three:
I’m very sorry I pulled on your proboscis, but I have to find the White Rabbit to wake up.

Doorknob:
You’re far too big to enter Underland kid.

Alice Three:
Oh no, no! But I just have to get in, I just have to!

(Alice starts to cry.)

Doorknob:
Don’t cry, Kid. Please don’t cry. Maybe if you drank some of the magic potion, in that convenient,
floating nearby bottle, you might fit in.

(Cheshire Cat is on the second story and lowers a bottle in front of Alice on a string. It says “Drink Me!”)

Alice Three:
Remember, Alice: Look before you leap. I really don’t know what’s in this bottle, but it looks so pretty.
But it could be poison, or mayonnaise, or floor polish, or a frothy combination of all three! But I have to
find the White Rabbit. Oh well, if you don’t explore, you’ll never discover. Bottoms up!
(SMALLIFICATION –TRACK 9) (Alice drinks and turns into small Alice Little behind the bureau.)
Bottom’s up!
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Cheshire Cat:
With one gulp of that drink, she shrank to three feet tall!

Doorknob:
You mean three feet short.
(Cheshire Cat and Doorknob laugh. Cat disappears)

Alice Little:
Oh, look at me. I ‘m just the right size!

Doorknob:
I believe someone forgot the key waaaaaaay up there on that bureau.

(She cannot reach it)

Alice Little:
Now I’m too small to reach the key! Oh no, no, no…

Doorknob:
Please try to suppress your emotional outbursts. Have a cookie.

(With a cool reveal , Cheshire Cat brings out the cookie jar labeled “EAT ME!”)

Alice Little:
(Sniffling) Well, it does look delicious. But how do I know what’s in it? Don’t be silly Alice—
(BIGGAFICATION-TRACK 10) (Alice Little takes a bite.)
What harm can one cookie do?

(Alice Big gag is worked to crash into the ceiling. Alice Big grabs the key.)

Cheshire Cat:
She grew so big with just one tiny bite…she’s ENORMOUS!

(Cat disappears again)

Doorknob:
You’ve filled the entire room!

Alice Big:
Look at me now! I’m way, way too big!

Doorknob:
Sorry kid, you’ll never fit into Underland now. Try Pittsburgh.

Alice Big:
But, I need to see the White Rabbit to wake up! (To Doorknob) And where’d that cat go?
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Doorknob:
I dunno, she comes and goes.

Alice Big:
Well I need some more of that potion.

Doorknob:
It looks like there’s still some more in that bottle over there.

(She picks up the bottle)

Alice Big:
OK. Now, just a little…

(SMALLIFICATION- Repeat TRACK 9) (She turns back into Alice Little)

Alice Little:
Now I can fit through the door. Ok, Doorknob here I come. Get your proboscis ready.

Doorknob:
Please be gentle.

Scene Four-Underland Forest

(She inserts the key, opens the door and Underland has been revealed. Flowers looking like
cheerleader-flowers are stage left. The Duchess’s house is stage right.)

Alice Little:
Well, now let me turn me into me again.

(BIGGAFICATION –Repeat TRACK 10) (She nibbles at the cookie, and becomes Alice Main (Three)
again.)

Alice Main:
Up, down, big, small—this is crazy!!

Rose:
Up, down—

Lily:
Big, small—

Petunia, Daisy, Violet, Lily, Marygold:

This is craaaaaaaaazzzzyyyy! Eeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

(The flowers laugh with attitude)

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Alice Three:
Oh how pretty you all are!

Bud:
You’re pretty too!

Rose (snottily):
Quiet, Bud. We know we’re pretty! Right Daisy

Daisy:
You got that right! Rosey!

Marygold (like Arnold Schwarzenegger):

Dey call me “Da Pollenator”.

Violet:
Don’t listen to Marygold. Everybody loves us because we’re…

Flowers:
The Girls of the Golden Afternoon.

Alice Three:
The Golden Afternoon? What’s that?

Lily:
It’s the name of our very exclusive garden club, right Petunia?

Petunia:
Totally affirmative, Lily. If you want to be cool, you have to be one of us!

Rose:
No one gets in our club unless we say.

Bud:
Please! Can’t we let her in?

Violet:
We don’t let in just anyone.

THE GOLDEN AFTERNOON (TRACK 11)(Sung by the flowers- Lily and Violet sing their lines together and
Marygold sings with Daisy)

Marygold:
Yes , go back to Cal-ee-for-nia.

Flowers:
Rose and Violet got in last September, and Petunia made the cut in June. It’s not easy to become a
member of the “Golden Afternoon” Afternoon, afternoon, afternoon! For a Golden Afternoon never
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settles; Ev’ry day you have to preen and prune. If you want to keep your stem and petals in the Golden
Afternoon, afternoon, afternoon, afternoon!
Rose:
Oh we can’t let in just anyone;

Petunia:
We’re swarmed by wanna bees.

Lily:
All the weeds that we’ve excluded…

Daisy:
…are the weeds we love to tease!

Violet:
Thistle!

Rose:
Hedgerow!

Bud:
Poison Ivy!!!

Flowers:
Eeuuuuuuuu!! If you wanna be a bud in our bower, learn this secret song and stay in tune. Otherwise
you’re just a dried wall flower to the Golden after noon! Afternoon! Afternoon! Afternoon!

Alice Three:
Oh, I wish I could be just like you!

Lily:
Keep dreaming, crabgrass!

Bud:
But, I think she’s nice!

Petunia:
Bud, be quiet. She’s just a silly little uncool weed.

Alice Three:
I’m not a weed. I’m a little girl.

Rose:
Violet, she says she’s a little girl!

Flowers:
Eeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
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Violet:
Whatever!

Marygold:
Hasta La Vista baby!

Petunia:
You’re way too uncool to become a Girl of the Golden Afternoon.

Alice Three:
What did I ever do to you?

Rose:
You move around!

Alice Three:
I what?

Lily (pointing at her legs):

You move around…on those.

Alice Three:
My legs? You mean you don’t like me because I have legs? Seriously? Well…well, I could step on you!

Lily:
Beat it bipod, before you wind up as Bandersnatch stew!

Daisy:
I’ve seen that happen.

Violet:
I’ve seen that happen too.

Marygold:
Ya, Me too.

Rose:
D’uh. We’ve all seen that happen. It happened right over there!

Alice Three:
What’s a Bandersnatch?

Lily:
Are you still here?

Alice Three:
Yes. And what’s a Bandersnatch?
 18

(Flowers go back to talking to each other as if she isn’t there)

Petunia:
Oh it’s a giant fierce one-eyed tiger.

Bud:
It’s scaaaarrryyyyy!!!

Daisy:
They say a sleepy warrior mouse poked out its eye the last time an Alice was here.

Alice Three:
The last time? What do you mean?

Violet:
They never know what we mean!

Alice Three:
What do you mean by “they”?

Lily:
I don’t want to tell her!

Marygold:
Nein!!

Rose:
Girls, you remember what happened the last time we didn’t tell an Alice.

Daisy:
Yeah. That insecticide made me bust a lung.

Petunia:
But Daisey, you don’t have a lung.

Daisy:
Well, you know what I mean.

Rose:
Anyway, we gotta tell her so she’ll leave. You all know that. (Grumbles of agreement) (To Alice) So,
here’s the story. Alices have been coming here for years. There are lots and lots and lots of Alices…
especially in the awake world. But, there is only one Alice in Underland at a time. Every time a new Alice
comes, all Mamalia forget the last Alice.

Alice Three:
“Mamalia”? What’s that?
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Petunia:
Mamalia man. You know meat-bags, cats, dogs, bears, humans, the Jabberwocky…

Marygold:
Ya! But, za Jabberwocky never met ein Alice.

Rose:
Marygold! That’s enough.

Marygold:
But, Petunia brought up za Jabberwocky.

Rose (to Alice):

Any way, you have to go find the egg to get out of here.

Alice Three:
No. no. The White Rabbit can wake me up.

Violet:
Did he use that old “Only I can wake you up line”.

Alice Three:
Well, yes but…

Rose:
He’s nothing. He’s just a Herald to the Red Queen. He can’t actually wake you up.

Alice Three:
But, but…

Rose:
The sun is going down, and we can’t stay awake any longer....

Alice Three:
But I…

Bud:
G’night Alice.

Alice Three:
But…

Rose:
We really can’t stay aw… (They all pass out)

A-E-I-O-U (TRACK 13) (Sung by the Caterpillar as it enters):

Caterpillar:
A-E-I-O-U-… A-E-I-O-U-… A-E-I-O-U-… A-U-E-I-O-A-… A-U-E-I-O-A-… A-E-I-O-U-…
 20

(The blue Caterpillar smoking a hookah pipe slides up to Alice. The Caterpillar and Alice look at each
other for some time in silence: At last the Caterpillar takes the hookah out of its mouth, and begins
singing in a languid, sleepy voice).

Caterpillar:
Whoooooooo are youuuuuuuuu?

Alice Three:
(Coughing hookah smoke) I—I hardly know, sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up
this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.

Caterpillar:
What doooooo you mean by that? Explaaaaaaaaain yourself!

Alice Three:
I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, because I’m not myself, you see.

Caterpillar:
No, I don’t seeeeeeeeee.

Alice Three
I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly, for I can’t understand it myself to begin with; and being so many
different sizes in a day is very confusing.

Caterpillar:
Iiiiiiiiit isn’t.

Alice Three:
Well, perhaps you haven’t found it so yet, but when you have to turn into a chrysalis—you will someday,
you know—and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you’ll feel it a little strange, won’t you?

Caterpillar:
Not a bit.

Alice Three:
Well, perhaps your feelings may be different. All I know is, it would feel very strange to me.

Caterpillar:
You! Who are youuuuuu?

Alice Three:
I think, you ought to tell me who you are, first.

Caterpillar:
Whyyyyyyy?

Alice Three:
Well…well… I don’t know why.
 21

Caterpillar:
Now that’s the most sensible thing you’ve said.

Alice Three:
Well, I’m Alice.

Caterpillar:
Of course you are.
(He pauses to smoke the Hookah)
So you think you’re changed, do you?

Alice Three:
I’m afraid I am, sir. I can’t remember things as I used to—and I don’t keep the same size for ten minutes
together! And I was looking for a White Rabbit to wake me up, and now I need to find a talking egg.

Caterpillar:
A talking egg, huh?

Alice Three:
That’s what the flowers said.

Caterpillar:
I know where you can find a talking egg.

Alice Three:
Where? Where?

Caterpillar:
Behind the Red Queen’s Chess Board.

Alice Three:
What? Where? Huh?

(Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are heard off stage)

Tweedle Dum:
Contrariwise, if you were smarter than me, than you wouldn’t be you. You would be me…

Tweedle Dee:
How can I be you, if I’m me?

Caterpillar:
Oh no, not those two again!

Alice Three:
Whaaaaaaat two?
 22

Caterpillar:
Alice! Quick, give me a push in that direction. U-E-I-O-A; U-E-I-O-A; A-E-I-O-U

A-E-I-O-U Exit (TRACK 14)(Sung by the Caterpillar)

(Alice pushes and Caterpillar exits as Tweedles enter, bump in to Alice and they all fall down.)

Tweedle Dee:
Hey why don’t you look where you’re going?

Alice Three:
But, I wasn’t going anywhere.

Tweedle Dum:
Then you must have been going here.

Alice Three:
I’m sorry?

Tweedle Dum:
Oh, how do you do, Sorry! I’m Tweedle Dum.

Tweedle Dee:
And I’m Tweedle Dee. I’ve never met anyone named Sorry before.

(Alice and the Tweedles shake hands at the same time in a confusing, elaborate handshake).

Alice Three:
Oh, but I’m sorry, but I’m not “Sorry”. I’m sorry.

Tweedle Dee:
Oh, how do you do! I’m Tweedle Dee.

Tweedle Dum:
Contrariwise. I’m Tweedle Dee.

(Alice and the Tweedles shake hands again)

Tweedle Dee:
No. I’m Tweedle Dee. You’re Tweedle Dum.

Tweedle Dum:
Oh, am I? I’m sorry.

Tweedle Dee:
What a coincidence! So is she!
 23

Tweedle Dum (to Alice):

Are we related?

Alice Three:
I’m sorry?

Tweedle Dum:
Oh, how do you do! I’m Tweedle Dum.

Tweedle Dee:
Then I must be Tweedle Dee.

(Alice and the Tweedles shake hands again)

Alice Three:
Don’t you know who you are?

Tweedle Dum:
Well, there’s no need to attack us!

Tweedle Dee
Yes, we’ve only just met!

Alice Three:
I thought you knew each other, I’m sorry.

Tweedle Dum:
Oh, how do you do? I’m Tweedle Dum.

Tweedle Dee:
And I’m Tweedle Dee.

(Alice and the Tweedles shake hands again)

Alice Three:
And I’m out of here! Well it’s been lovely , but I have to find a talking egg behind a chess board, or a
White Rabbit.

(Alice tries to leave)

Tweedle Dum:
Meeting and running isn’t very polite.

HOW D’YE DO AND SHAKE HANDS (TRACK 15)(Sung by the Tweedles)

Tweedle Dee:
Don’t you have any couth?
 24

Tweedle Dum:
There’s a right way—

Tweedle Dee:
And a wrong way—

Tweedles:
To do things!

Tweedle Dum:
When first you meet a gentleman of caliber and class,

Tweedle Dee:
You don’t just meet and run my dear: That’s callous, course and crass!

Tweedles:
Society has set the rules by which we all must play.

Tweedle Dum:
So listen while we spell them out.

Tweedles:
And you’ll be distingay. Say: “How do you do?” and shake hands, shake hands, shake hands, “How do
you do?” and shake hands, State your name and bus’ness.

Alice:
Well, that’s just…

Tweedle Dum:
Ah, ah, ah…

Alice:
How do you do?

Tweedle Dee:
Excellent, excellent. And (Alice offers her hand)

Tweedles:
Perfect!
If manners could prevail…

Alice:
And you do not act like a pig…

Tweedles:
Snort, snort. The problems that the world presents might not seem quite so big.
 25

Alice:
A bow or curtsey (more or less) can brighten up the day, And if you know what fork to use…

Tweedles:
Then you are on your way!

All:
Say: “How do you do?” and shake hands, shake hands, shake hands, “How do you do?” and shake
hands; State your name and bus’ness. How do you do!!

(At the end of the song, the Queen’s footman, an arrogant fellow, barges through them)

Queen’s Footman:
Out of my way you insignificant swine!

(He swipes at them with a weapon and raps on the door of the Duchess’s house. Daughter opens the
door. Sneezing and crashing noises come from inside. Daughter exits and closes door behind her and
noise stops.)

(To the Duchess’s Daughter) From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to attend the Queen’s Chess
Match.

(He hands an oversized envelope to Daughter)

Duchess’s Daughter:
Lovely. Thank you.

(Footman clicks his heals and turns to go back)

Queen’s Footman:
Move! You pedestrians!

(He crashes into Tweedles and drops another invitation by the door. No one notices. Footman exits S/L;
Daughter sits down as Alice and Tweedles approach the door to the Duchess’s)

Duchess’s Daughter:
There’s no sort of use in knocking. And that’s for two reasons. First, because I’m on the same side of the
door as you are; secondly, because they’re making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.

Alice Three:
Please, then, how am I to get in?

Duchess’s Daughter:
There might be some sense in your knocking, if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were
inside, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know.

Alice Three:
But, how would I get in?
 26

Duchess’s Daughter:
By opening the door.
(Daughter gets up opens the door and throws the invitation inside. The noise stops for a moment, but
then continues)

I think I shall sit here all day. (sits down)

(A plate comes flying out almost hitting her)

Or not.

(She moves away from the house)

Alice Three:
But, I need that invitation to get to the Queen’s Chess Match to find the talking egg that will tell me how
to get out of here.

Duchess’s Daughter:
The Door’s open…

(Another plate comes flying out. She looks at the Tweedles uncertainly as Daughter exits)

Tweedle Dee:
I smell food!

Tweedle Dum:
Contrariwise, food smells us.

Alice Three:
Should we go in?

Tweedles:
You lead…we’ll eat!

Scene Five- House of Duchess

(They enter the house. Cook is cooking over a cauldron. Pepper jars are everywhere and she is pouring
more pepper in the stew. The Duchess is giving a bottle to what we think is a lovely baby, but it turns
out to be a pig. The Cheshire Cat lays on its back on the rug).

Alice Three:
Hello…

Duchess (yelling at the cook as she sneezes):

Too much pepper!

(The cook throws a glass at her, and puts more pepper in the stew. The baby makes a large
slurping/sneezing sound.)
 27

(Duchess rubs pig’s stomach. And says to the baby) Don’t be such a pig!

Alice Three:
Excuse me, is that your cat?

Duchess:
Well of course she’s my cat? (Suddenly unsure she says to the cook) She is my cat isn’t she? (The cook
nods) Of course she’s my cat. She’s a Cheshire Cat.

Alice Three (Sneezes and says to cook):

Perhaps there is too much pepper in there. Or in here (gesturing to the whole room).

(Duchess rubs pig’s stomach. Baby makes obnoxious snorting sound again)

Duchess:
You quit that now!

(And with that she gives the bottle to her child again, singing a sort of lullaby, and giving it a violent
shake at the end of every verse):

Speak roughly to your little boy,

And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases.’

Wow! Wow! Wow!

I speak severely to my boy,

I beat him when he sneezes;
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!

Wow! wow! wow!

(Hands baby bottle to Alice) Here! You may nurse it a bit, if you like! I must go to the Queen’s Chess
Match.

Alice Three:
But, I want to…

(The Duchess shoves the bottle to Alice and runs out. The Tweedles skirmish with the cook to get
something to eat as Alice gingerly approaches the baby. There is a surprise reveal here that the baby is
a piggy that scampers out of the house after the Duchess.)

Alice Three:
How am I going to get there now?
 28

Cheshire Cat:
That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.

Alice Three:
I suppose I need to get to the Queen’s Chess match. But right now, I don’t much care where—

Cheshire Cat
Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.

Alice Three:
—so long as I get somewhere.

Cheshire Cat:
Oh, you’re sure to do that…if you only walk long enough.

Alice Three:
What sort of people live about here?

Cheshire Cat:
In that direction, lives a Hatter: and in that direction, lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they’re
both mad. And usually they’re together.

Alice Three:
But I don’t want to go among mad people.

Cheshire Cat:
Oh, you can’t help that. We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.

Alice Three:
How do you know I’m mad?

Cheshire Cat:
You must be, or you wouldn’t have come here.

Alice Three:
And how do you know that you’re mad?

Cheshire Cat:
Well, to begin with, a dog’s not mad. You grant that?

Alice Three:
I suppose so.

Cheshire Cat:
Well, then, you see, a dog growls when it’s angry, and wags its tail when it’s pleased. Now I growl when
I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad.
 29

Alice Three:
I call it purring, not growling.

Cheshire Cat:
Call it what you like…Are you going to the Queen’s Chess Match today?

Alice Three:
I should like to very much, but I don’t have an invitation.

Cheshire Cat:
The Footman dropped an invitation outside.

Alice Three (runs to look out the door):

But, how do you know...

(When she looks back, the cat has disappeared. She looks back out the door and sees the invitation on
the ground)

Tweedles! There’s an invitation on ground.

(She runs out to it, and the Tweedles bumble their way after her. They get stuck in the door way.)

Tweedle Dee:
After you.

Tweedle Dum:
No. No. After you.

Tweedle Dee:
(In rapid succession)No. No. No. No. No. I insist. After you. (They both squeeze and fall through the
door)

Alice Three (with invitation in hand):

Which way to go? I’ve seen hatters before. The March Hare will be much more interesting, and perhaps,
as this is January, it won’t be raving mad.—at least not so mad as it was in March.

Scene Six-Mad Hatter’s Front Yard

THE UNBIRTHDAY SONG (TRACKS 16) Hatter, Hare, Daughter, Piggy and Mouse play musical chairs.
Alice joins on TRACK 17 and gets cheated out of winning at the end of TRACK 18)

Mad Hatter:
A very merry Unbirthday to you!

All:
To you! A very merry Unbirthday to you.
 30

Mad Hatter:
To you! It’s great to drink to someone and I guess that you will do.

All:
A very merry Unbirthday to you. Out (Piggy is out, but Alice joins)

THE UNBIRTHDAY SONG (TRACKS 16)

March Hare:
A very merry Unbirthday to you!

All:
To you! A very merry Unbirthday to you.

March Hare:
To you! It’s great to drink to someone and I guess that you will do.

All:
A very merry Unbirthday to you. Out! Out (Daughter is out)

THE UNBIRTHDAY SONG (TRACKS 16)

All:
A very merry Unbirthday to us! To us! A very merry Unbirthday to us! To us! If there are no objections
let it be unanimous: A very merry Unbirthday to us. Out! Out! (Mouse is distracted by Cheshire Cat and
is out)

THE UNBIRTHDAY SONG (TRACKS 16)

Alice:
A very merry Unbirthday to me.

All:
To who?

Alice:
To me

All:
Oh you. A very merry Unbirthday to you.

Alice:
Who me?

All:
Yes, you.
 31

Alice:
I see.

All:
Let’s all congratulate ourselves: another cup of tea! A very merry Unbirthday to we. Oui! Oui! Out. Out!
Out! (Hare is out)

Mad Hatter:
We ought to throw a party to a very special party..

Alice:
You mean?

Mouse:
Guess who?

March Hare:
I hate to be specific but this girl is terrific!

Alice:
You mean?

All:
We do! This damsel is so wonderful, let’s treat her royally. A very merry Unbirthday. A very merry
Unbirthday. A very, very merry Un. A very, very merry Unbirthday to you. To you. To you. To you. To
you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. Out! (Hare pushes Alice out of the chair so that
Hatter can win. Mouse goes to sleep. Tweedles eat.)

Alice Three:
Say, where I come from we play by the rules!

Mad Hatter:
Yes, but rules can be so…limiting.

March Hare:
It’s so much more fun to make up your own rules.

Alice Three:
But, if everyone makes up their own rules, how do you know if you’re playing the game right?

Mad Hatter:
Well, that’s part of the game, I guess. Or else I can make up the rules since it is my Unbirthday.

March Hare:
But it’s my Unbirthday too.

Tweedles:
Ours too!
 32

Caterpillar:
Miiiiiiine tooooo.

Alice Three:
Well this is getting us nowhere. And tell me, why does that cat keep appearing and disappearing?

Mouse (waking up):

Did someone say “cat”?

Caterpillar:
Caaaaat.

Mad Hatter:
No, no, no go back to sleep.

March Hare:
Don’t you have (whispers) cats where you come from?

Alice Three:
Well, yes. I have a cat named Dinah. But she can’t disappear!

Mouse (waking):
Cat, cat. Who said “cat”?

Mad Hatter:
No, no mouse, we said “bat”.

Mouse:
Oh that’s different! (As mouse falls off to sleep she says) Do bats eat cats? Twinkle, twinkle little bat.
How I wonder if you’ll eat a cat…

Alice Three:
My (whispers) cat Dinah can’t disappear.

Mad Hatter:
But, she can’t appear, if she doesn’t disappear.

Tweedle Dum:
Contrariwise, she can’t disappear if she doesn’t appear.

(Tweedle Dee hits Dum to shut up)

Mad Hatter:
Are you sure that your (whispers) cat can’t disappear?
 33

Alice Three:
I’m sure she can’t. Though I’m not really sure of anything anymore. I’m not even sure who I am. I
thought Wonderland…

All but Alice:

UNDERLAND!!! (Caterpillar late)

Alice Three(Walking DSC to audience):

I thought Underland would be everything I always dreamed about, but everyone wants to tell me what
to do, or wants me to be something or someone else!

Mad Hatter:
Somebody having a bad day…huhhh? (He tends to pouring tea)

March Hare (Walking to Alice):

Don’t worry, without bad days, you couldn’t have good days!

Alice Three:
I thought that the White Rabbit could help me find my way to the Chess match, but I can’t find him
anywhere.

March Hare:
You might ask the Hatter. He knows where everything is….Trouble is, he keeps it all under his hat.

Alice Three:
Excuse me, Mr. Hatter. Do you have a White Rabbit under your hat?

Mad Hatter:
I thought you never ask!

I’M LATE (Reprise) (TRACK 19)(Sung by White Rabbit)

(Hatter skims his hat into a wing, (he has another hat under that hat,) and the White Rabbit comes out
with hat singing I’m Late (Reprise)

White Rabbit:
I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date! No time to say “Goodbye” Hello!

All:
He’s late!

White Rabbit
I’m late.

All:
He’s late!
 34

White Rabbit
I’m late.

All:
You’re…

White Rabbit:
Oh my would you look at the time!

All:
Late!!

Mad Hatter:
Did you say you were late?

Alice Three:
Only 354 times. Not that anyone’s counting.

White Rabbit (showing his pocket watch):

See?

Mad Hatter:
Well now, your watch is slow, silly. Here let me fix it for you.

(Hatter grabs watch, and they all huddle over it like surgeons over a patient. Tweedle Dee makes the
sound of a heart monitor beeping)

Scalpel!

March Hare:
Scalpel!!

All but White Rabbit:

Scalpel!! (Caterpillar long and late each time)

Mad Hatter:
Forceps!

March Hare:
Forceps!!

All but W.R.:

Forceps!!

Mad Hatter:
Axel Grease!
 35

March Hare:
Axel Grease!!

All but W.R.:

Axel Grease!!

Mad Hatter:
Peanut butter!

White Rabbit:
Peanut butter !?!

March Hare:
Crunchy or smooth ?!

Mad Hatter:
Hurry, we’re losing him!!

White Rabbit:
Oh no no no!

Mad Hatter:
Bring me the liverwurst!

March Hare (gets liverwurst):

The liverwurst!!

All but W.R.:

The liverwurst!!

Cheshire Cat (pops in only for this one liner like Groucho Marx):
That is the woist liver I’ve ever seen!

Mad Hatter (like a mad scientist):

Live, live, I command you to liiive!!!!!!

(Tweedle Dee makes a flatline sound: the watch is dead)

Oooops. You might want to get a new watch.

White Rabbit:
Oh no, you broke it!

Mad Hatter:
I’m not so sure. (He takes out a hammer and smashes it) Now I’m sure. Wasn’t that fun? Let’s do it
again!!
 36

White Rabbit:
Oh nooooooo! Now I’ll never get there on time! (He runs away)

Alice Three:
Hey, wait, Mr. Rabbit, you forgot your watch! Oh now how will I find my way to the Chess Match?

Mad Hatter:
The chess match? I know how to get to the Chess Match.

March Hare:
But it’s no good. You have to have an invitation.

Alice Three:
I have an invitation. (She shows it and all OOH---AHHHH) So how do I get there?

Mad Hatter:
(He takes out a piece of paper from under his hat (he has another hat under that one) and reads from
it.)
Let’s see. You take three swashbuckling prances to the south, turn right at the lobster claw farm,
continue on for two miles, circle back for ten minutes, play a quick game of Go Fish with the Walrus and
the Carpenter, and roll right down the hill to the Royal Rose garden, which is just at the entrance of the
Chess Match.

Alice Three:
What? Let me see that. (She grabs the paper) But this says: “Don’t wake the mouse by saying CAT!”

Mouse (wakes up):

CAT! CAT! CAT!!! I’ll cut out his eye like I did to the Bandersnatch!!!(she runs off)

March Hare:
I better go get her before she adds to her eyeball collection. (He follows her off).

Alice Three:
I thought you said that the way to the Queen’s Chess Match was written on that paper?

Mad Hatter (to Tweedle Dee):

I didn’t say that. Did you say that?

Tweedle Dee (to Tweedle Dum):

I didn’t say that. Did you say that?

Tweedle Dum (to Alice):

I didn’t say that. Did you say that?

Alice Three:
Well, of course not.
 37

Mad Hatter:
Yes you did. Yes you did. You just said (In Alice’s voice): “ I thought you said that the way to the
Queen’s Chess Match was written on that paper!”

Alice Three:
But, I only said that after you…Oh never mind. Do you know how to get there or not?

Mad Hatter:
I just said that!

Alice Three:
Said what?

Mad Hatter:
How to get there. You take three swashbuckling prances to… You know what, if you buy me a cotton
candy when we get there, I’ll take you.

Alice Three:
It’s a deal!

(They start heading off)

Tweedle Dum:
What’s a Chess Match? (Tweedle Dee pushes him off after the others)

BLACKOUT (To avoid any more than a few seconds blackout time anywhere in this show, Unbirthday
Party actors immediately come out from side into aisles and travel around audience in this SCENE 6.5
Mouse runs through first--Caterpillar comes last)

Alice Three:
Everything is so different here from where I come from.

Daughter:
What’s it like where you come from?

Alice Three:
Well…for one thing, I don’t have this funny accent in my voice.

Mad Hatter (In exaggerated funny voice):

What funny voice?

Alice Three:
And I certainly do not dress like this…or have hair (a wig) like this.

Daughter:
It sounds dreadful
 38

Tweedle Dum:
Do they have food there?

Tweedle Dee (Pushing Tweedle Dum):

Dum! Of course they have food there.

March Hare:
Alice, what would you being doing there, if you were there now.

Alice Three:
Well, I would be in STAR Theatre Camp, and we would probably be singing songs. We’ve been working
on rounds.

Cheshire Cat:
I know a-round… it’s not a-square!

Mouse:
What are you doing here, Cat? (Cat passes obliviously, as Mouse glares) I know a round- it goes like this:

Beat, beat, beat your cat

Slowly ‘til it cries
Pluck an eye, and hold it high
Then see if it dies

Alice Three:
Mouse! That’s horrid. I won’t sing something like that. Let me teach you mine:

(Row Your Boat is sung in rounds. Alice sings the first round. Hare, Hatter and Mouse sing the second
round. Cat, Daughter, Caterpillar sing third round. Alice is joined by Tweedles in the Fourth round)

PAINTING THE ROSES RED (TRACK 20) (Need visual cue to know that stage is ready)(Cardsmen start
song with Flowers then Unbirthday party people join in)

Cardsmen, Footman and Rabbit:

Painting the roses red! We’re painting the roses red! We dare not stop or waste a drop so let the paint be
spread. We’re painting the roses red, We’re painting the roses red!
…
We’re painting the roses red

Flowers:
And many a tear we shed
Because we know

Bud:
They’ll cease to grow

White Rabbit:
in fact they’ll soon be dead. (Caterpillar echoes “be dead”)
 39

All:
And yet we go ahead
painting the roses red.

Flowers:
Painting roses, painting roses,

Cardsmen:
Painting roses, painting roses.

Alice and Mouse:

Painting the roses red, they’re painting the roses red. Oh pardon me but Mister Three why must you
paint them red?

Daughter:
Stop!!!!

Cardsmen:
At first we planted white ‘cause we thought that it was right
and we hadn’t even come upon this song

Tweedles:
But now you’re in a pickle,

Hatter:
For the royal mind is a fickle.

Flowers:
And it turned out that they were wrong.

Cardsmen:
The Queen she liked ‘em red and if she saw white instead, she’d raise a fuss and each of us would quickly
lose his head

Alice:
Oh my!

Cardsmen:
Since this is a thought we dread. We’re

Both Groups:
Painting the roses red.

Cardsmen:
Painting the roses, painting roses, painting roses.
 40

Flowers:
Painting the roses red, we’re painting the roses red. Don’t tell the Queen what you have seen or

Cardsmen:
Painting the roses red, we’re painting the roses red, red, red, or say or

Both groups:
say that’s what we said. We’re painting the roses red.

Hatter:
Not pink

Hare:
Not green

Alice:
Not aquamarine

Caterpillar:
Aquamarine…

Cardsmen:
We’re painting the roses,

Flowers:
Painting the roses,

All:
Painting the roses red!

Scene Seven-Grounds around the Red Queen’s

FANFARE (TRACK 21) (As soon as curtains open) (When the Queen appears Cat has an applause sign
and Queen bows and arm gestures during intro before she sings, she is up in the balcony with the King)

PAINTING THE ROSES RED REPRISE (TRACK 22) (As soon as trumpets silence in Fanfare)

Queen of Hearts:
Who’s been painting my roses red?

All:
Who’s been painting her roses red?

Queen of Hearts:
Who dares to taint with vulgar paint the royal flower bed?
For painting my roses red,
Someone will lose his head
 41

Footman:
Your majesty, please!
It’s all his fault (at rabbit)

White Rabbit:
Not mine your grace,
The Ace! The Ace!

Queen of Hearts:
You? It was you!

Ace:
Ho no, it was the Two!

Queen of Hearts:
The Deuce, you say?

Two:
Not me, the three…

Queen of Hearts:
That’s enough numerical stuff!!
Enough of your scarlets and crimson vermilions,
And rouges and cherries and reds!
Off with your heads!

All:
You’re going to lose your heads, You’re going to lose your heads for painting the roses red!

Queen of Hearts:
Where is the Duchess? We need to resume our Chess Match.

Queen’s Footman:
I delivered the invitation myself Madame.

Queen of Hearts:
Arrange the Board.

(People begin to take positions as Chess pieces. On the floor which is the chess board, will be two
queens (red and white), two kings (red and white), a red knight, a red pawn, and two white rooks. They
are set up in a particular setting which will allow for the play. There will be a picture of the Chess Board
with moveable pieces on the wall so that the White Rabbit can move them to show the audience what is
happening).

White Rabbit:
(Looking worried that the Duchess will be late) Your majesty, while we wait for the Duchess to show up,
perhaps we may have a song and dance
 42

Queen of Hearts:
A dance! Splendid! Mouse! Mouse! Where is that mouse?

(Mouse wakes up somewhere)

Mouse:
You bellowed oh wonderful one?

Queen of Hearts:
Yes. It’s a beautiful day. What was that song you sang before the last Chess Match about the beautiful
day?

Mouse (to the whole crowd and the audience):

Oh yes! Let’s get set to dance the Faterwaken. Now, I’m gonna share two magical, hyphenated little
words with you. Guaranteed to make even your very worst day (Use Queen accent for “worst day”)
absolutely fabulous! Ready! Repeat after me:

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—

All:
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—

Mouse:
Zip-a-dee-ay!

All:
Zip-a-dee-ay.

Mouse:
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—
Zip-a-dee-ay!

All:
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—
Zip-a-dee-ay.

Mouse:
That’s all there is to it. (To the sound booth) Hit it maestro.

ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH (TRACK 23) (Led by Mouse but ensemble sings)

Mouse:
This is just the kind of day you dream about:
When you open up your mouth, a song pops out!
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—
Zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh my what a wonderful day!
Plenty of sunshine heading my way,
 43

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—
Zip-a-dee-ay.

Bud:
But what does it mean?

Mouse:
I have no idea, but it sure makes you feel good when you say it!...Now you try!!

All:
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—
Zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh my what a wonderful day!
Plenty of sunshine heading my way,
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—
Zip-a-dee-ay.

Mouse:
Mr. Bluebird’s on my shoulder.

Hatter and Hare:

It’s the truth!

Mouse:
It’s actual!

All:
Everything is satisfactual.
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—
Zip-a-dee-ay
Wonderful feeling, wonderful day!

Mouse:
Now do you got it?

Bud:
I think so!

Mouse:
You think so? Girl you got to know!
Now say “zip”.

Bud:
Zip.

Mouse:
No, zip!
 44

Bud:
Zip.

Mouse:
C’mon, zip!

Bud:
Zip.

Mouse:
Yeah, zip!

All:
Zip.

Mouse:
That’s it!
I say zip, zip,

All:
Zip-a-dee-doo-

Mouse:
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah— day
I say zip, zip

All:
Zip-a-dee-dah

Mouse:
Now, that’s the doo dah way
Doo dah doo dah

All:
Doo dah doo dah

Mouse:
Doo dah doo dah

All:
Doo dah doo dah

Mouse:
Doo dah doo dah

All:
Doo dah doo dah
 45

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah— day

Oh, Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—
Zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh my what a wonderful day!
Plenty of sunshine heading my way,
Wonderful feeling, a wuh, a-wuh, a-wuh, a-wuh, a-wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh,
Wonderful day!
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—day
Zip

Queen of Hearts:
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Now let’s get to the Chess Match. Where is the Duchess?

Queen’s Footman:
She is still yet to arrive, you holiness.

Queen of Hearts:
Well someone’s head must be cut off for this! (roll rrrs) RRRRabbit!

White Rabbit:
B-b-b-b-b-b-ut.

Queen of Hearts:
Oh stop sniveling, and find me someone to take the Duchess’s place.

White Rabbit:
Who knows how to play chess?

(Alice tries to raise her hand, but Hatter stops her)

Mad Hatter:
You don’t want to play with her. It could be dangerous!

(Rabbit mistakes Hatter’s actions to Alice as if he is volunteering)

White Rabbit:
Hatter, is that you?

Mad Hatter:
Whaaaaaaaat?

White Rabbit:
Your worshipness. The Hatter of Mad would like to finish the game with you.

Queen of Hearts:
Splendid! Hatter, come up here. Arrange the board.
 46

Cheshire Cat:
And the crowd chattered!

All:
Chatter. Chatter. Chatter. (Until Hatter is up in the balcony)

(The pieces take their positions, while the rest of the crowd moves off to the sides to chatter and watch.)

Queen of Hearts (Gestures to silence crowd chatter):

You know Hatter, I have never been beaten. I can’t be beaten.

Mad Hatter:
Perhaps you should use a blender!

Queen of Hearts:
What!?

Mad Hatter:
Nothing, nothing.

Queen of Hearts:
You’ll be taking the Duchess’s place.

Mad Hatter (Looks at the pieces):

Well, she doesn’t look good.

Queen of Hearts:
She never looks good. (She laughs at her own bad joke, and everyone else starts faking laughing so they
do not get their heads chopped off).
And it is my turn.

Mad Hatter:
But…

Queen of Hearts:
Queen’s Knight to King’s bishop six.

(The Queen’s Footman, who is acting as the Queen’s knight, pulls out a sword, moves the spaces and
stabs the White Queen through the heart. Blood pours out as the person playing the White Queen lets
out a curdling yell. Crowd members carry off the dead White Queen piece)

You’ve lost your Queen, Hatter! What will you do now?

White Rabbit (to himself, but Alice and the audience hear):
Don’t do it Hatter. Don’t do it!

Mad Hatter:
 47

Well, I believe that I will move the White Queen’s rook to Queen’s Knight seven.

(The rook moves and mercifully kills the red pawn there).

And I believe that is check mate!

Queen of Hearts:
What! How! Take him to the dungeon and prepare him for head chopping!

Alice Three:
Wait!

Queen of Hearts:
What do we have here, hmmmmmmmm?

Alice Three:
I believe you mean “whom do we have here”.

Queen of Hearts:
What?

Alice Three:
No. Whom.

Cheshire Cat:
And there was much hubbub.

All:
Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub.

White Rabbit:
W-w-w-w-well, your wonderfulness. This is your next game contestant. But first the mouse must finish
his song. (White Rabbit kicks the Mouse awake)

Queen of Hearts:
Very well, but take him (gesturing to the Hatter) away.

(The guards take the Hatter away)

Alice Three:
But…

PLAYOFF OF ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH (TRACK 24) (Sung by Mouse and ensemble)

All:
Zip, zip, Zip-a-dee-doo
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah-day
 48

Cardsmen and flowers:

Doo dah, doo dah

All others:
Doo dah, doo dah

Cardsmen and flowers:

Doo dah, doo dah

All others:
Doo dah, doo dah

All:
Doo dah, dah!

INTERMISSION

ACT II

Scene One- Grounds around the Red Queen’s Castle

Alice Three (To White Rabbit):

Well, I don’t care. I’m not going to play Chess with her!

Queen of Hearts (Comes from S/L to sit on a throne on the main floor level):
What was that? Speak up. We speak the Queen’s English here, you nameless little whelp-p!

Alice Three:
I’m sorry, your Loudness. I mean you rudeness. I mean your Highness!

Queen of Hearts:
Now, what is your name, little girl?

Alice Three:
Um…

Queen of Hearts:
Um! I rather like that! From Umbridge no doubt.

Alice Three:
Actually…
Queen of Hearts:
 49

PIGGY!

Alice Three:
Excuse me?

Queen of Hearts:
PIGGY! Get me a piggy.

(Footman carries the piggy in, and places her belly up under the Queen’s feet).

I so need a warm pig belly for my aching feet after I win a Chess Match.

Alice Three:
But you didn’t wi…

(Tweedles put their hands over her mouth)

Tweedle Dee:
You better be quiet.

Tweedle Dum:
Or you’ll end up in jail waiting for your head to be cut off.

Queen of Hearts:
What!? No one cuts off a head but me. Off with his head!

(Guards take Tweedle Dum)

Tweedle Dee:
But your majesty, he was just trying to…

Queen of Hearts:
Didn’t they take you away?

Tweedle Dee:
No, that was…

Queen of Hearts:
Lock him up with the Hatter!

(Guards take Tweedle Dee away)

Now, where were we? Oh yes, I was speaking to Um.

Alice Three:
But, I’m not Um.

Queen of Hearts:
 50

You’ll be who I say you are and no one else, do you understand?

Alice Three:
Oh, nothing makes sense here!

Queen of Hearts:
And don’t you forget it. Now before you go back to Umbridge, you’ll have to beat me at Underland’s
favorite pastime.

Cheshire Cat:
And there was much rejoicing.

All:
Yea. (underwhelming)

Alice Three:
You mean chess?

Queen of Hearts:
No

Alice Three:
Croquet?

Queen of Hearts:
No! Simon Says!

Alice Three:
Simon Says?

(Cheshire Cat whispers in Alice’s ear)

Queen’s Footman:
Yes. Simon Says.

Alice Three:
Excuse me your royalness, but would you care to make a wager?

Queen of Hearts:
That sounds delectable! What did you have in mind?

Alice Three:
If I win, you let my friends go free.

Red Queen:
And if I win?

Alice Three (lying):

 51

Uhhhh…You get to keep my piggy.

Queen of Hearts:
This is your piggy?

Alice Three:
I got it from the Duchess.

Queen of Hearts (Comfortably digging her heals into the piggy):

It’s a bet!

White Rabbit:
All the Royal Court, on deck for the royal tournament of Simon Says! Because the Queen says so, that’s
why!

SIMON SAYS Part 1 (TRACKS 25 & 26 let the run by themselves) (Sung by Queen of Hearts and Alice)

Queen of Hearts:
Simon says, curtsey. Simon says bow. Simon says genuflect. Simon says meow. Simon says swim
upstream. Simon says think about what I’m saying. Simon says scream! Simon says grovel at my feet
like spineless dogs.

Now stand up! (All but Alice stand up) I didn’t say Simon says! Off with their heads!! I see you’ve played
this game before!

Alice:
Oh I love Simon Says.

Queen of Hearts:
But does Simon love you, I wonder? Simon says stand up. Time for the lightning round!

SIMON SAYS Part 2 (TRACKS 25 & 26 let the run by themselves) (Sung by Queen of Hearts and Alice)

Simon says hop on one leg. Simon says do jumping jacks. Simon says leap like a frog. Simon says melt
like wax. Simon says walk like a monster. Simon says scream with no sound. Simon says tap dance.
Simon says sit on the ground. Now stand up (Alice only raises her head) Simon says stand up. Simon
says hold one foot behind your back and wave your arms and sing at the top of your lungs.

Alice:
Painting the roses red, Painting the roses red…

Queen of Hearts:
Oh, I loathe that song! Stop singing, before my ears explode…

Alice:
We dare not stop or waste a drop
So let the paint be spread…
 52

Queen of Hearts:
Did you hear me? I said stop that singing!

Alice:
We’re painting the roses red! We’re painting the roses… We’re painting the roses… We’re painting the
roses… We’re painting the roses… We’re painting the roses… We’re painting the roses…

Queen of Hearts:
Royal Cardsmen, drag her away!!!!

Alice Three:
But you didn’t say Simon Says!!!

Cheshire Cat:
The crowd gasped!

All:
Gasp!

King:
I’m afraid the match goes to Um!

Queen of Hearts:
You may have won the match, but you’ve just lost your head! Guards, Off with her…

King:
Wait my little plumperbutter, why don’t we have a trial. Just this once. You know, shake things up a bit.

Queen of Hearts:
Well. All right, but make it fast. I want to see her head rolling around like a bowling ball.

(HIGH TRIBUNAL FANFARE -TRACK 27)

White Rabbit:
All assemble for the high tribunal of Um versus The Queen of Hearts!

King (like a seasoned trial lawyer):

The prisoner is charged with enticing plumperbuh… I mean… her majesty, the Queen of Hearts, into a
royal game of Simon Says, and thereby willfully and with Alice of forethought, didst put a bee in her
royal bonnet and cause our beloved Queen to lose her royal temper!

Alice Three:
Don’t be silly, I just beat her at her own game.

Queen of Hearts:
She beat me, do you hear, she confesses, she beat me, she beat me.

All:
 53

Awwwwwwwwwww.

Queen of Hearts:
Hurry, get to the good part where we cut off her head!!!

Alice Three:
But we haven’t heard any witnesses yet.

King:
First witness…

(1ST WITNESSES: THE TWEEDLES (TRACK 28)

Cheshire Cat:
You better make that plural.

(Cardsmen bring Tweedles out knotted in a handshake)

King:
Witnesses, please introduce yourselves to the court.

Tweedle Dum:
That’s a problem.

Tweedle Dee:
We can’t!

All:
Gasp.

King:
Why not?

Tweedle Dum:
We don’t know anymore!!!

All:
Gasp.

King:
I repeat, why not?

Tweedle Dee:
Well…uhhh…well…

Queen of Hearts:
 54

“Well”, that’s a deep and wet subject … but it doesn’t explain your confusion about who you are. Tell
us, or I’ll have your heads cut off right now.

Tweedle Dum:
That little girl confused us, and got us all tied up in a knot.

Queen of Hearts:
You see?! You see??!!?? She tied them up!

King:
And can you tell the court her name?

Tweedles:
Sorry!

King:
Just tell us her name.

Tweedles:
Sorry!!

King:
You are sorry! Oh, well never mind then.

(2ND WITNESS: GOLDEN AFTERNOON-TRACK 29)

White Rabbit:
Next witnesses! The Girls of the Golden Afternoon!

King:
Now, girls, did you observe any incredibly suspicious behavior on the part of the incredibly guilty party?

Rose:
Well, your honor, she wanted to become a member of our club!

All:
(Actually gasp.)

Queen of Hearts:
She didn’t!!!

Lily:
I know, right?

Petunia:
Icky. Ickyeeee!

Violet:
 55

She wanted to be just like us!

Marygold:
Yah!

Daisy:
She thought she was all that and a bag of petals!

King:
And what did you tell her?

Flowers:
Eeeeeuuuuuuuuuu!

Queen of Hearts:
Just as I thought!

Bud:
I told her I liked her.

(Rose puts her hand over Bud’s mouth)

White Rabbit:
Next witnesses: the Mad Hatter and the March Hare!

Cheshire Cat:
For those of you with a score card that’s Queen five, Um nothing!

(3rd WITNESS: THE MAD HATTER-TRACK 30)

(Hatter and Hare take stand)

Queen of Hearts:
OFF WITH YOUR…….hat.

(Hatter takes off hat revealing a smaller hat underneath)

King:
What have you to add to the already rock solid evidence against the soon-to-be-decapitated usurper?

Mad Hatter:
She wanted to play by the rules!

All:
Gasp! Rules, rules murmur, murmur—

Queen of Hearts:
This rebellion must be quelled!!!
 56

King:
And just where were you when this horrible crime was committed?

March Hare:
Well, we were having a tea party.

Mad Hatter:
You know, today is my Unbirthday.

King (to the Queen):

Why picklepie, today is your Unbirthday, too!

Queen of Hearts:
It is?

THE UNBIRTHDAY SONG (Reprise) (TRACK 31)(Sung by Hatter, Queen of Hearts, and King)

Hatter:
We ought to throw a party to a very special party…

Queen of Hearts:
You mean?

King:
Guess who?

Hatter:
I hate to be specific but her highness is terrific!

Queen of Hearts:
You mean?

King:
We do!

Queen, King and Hatter:

The Queen of Hearts is all the rage. Let’s treat her royally. A very, very, very, very, merry Unbirthday to:

Flowers:
Who?

Cardsmen:
What?

Townspeople:
Where?

Hare, Tweedles, Mouse, Daughter, Caterpillar (Behind)

 57

Why?

Queen, King and Hatter:

We!!

All (Pig out front):

Oui! Oui

Queen of Hearts:
Splendid, splendid. What a lovely, lovely song. Now off with her head! Take her away. And take the
Hare and the Hatter too. And take those two clumsy oafs. Off with all of their heads!!!

(Guards take all the friends away)

This has been such an ordeal! I must rest. (She starts to exit) and bring that piggy! (Footman brings
piggy) And Rabbit! You were supposed to find the Duchess! You’re late!!!

(White Rabbit goes out into the thick of the audience and talks to them during set change behind the
closed main):

White Rabbit:
Oh dear! Oh dear! I’m late.
Have you seen the Duchess?
How about you? The Queen will have my head if I do not find her!
Excuse me! Pardon Me! I’m late!
Surely you have seen the Duchess Sir…oops I mean Madame!

(Cheshire Cat is spotlighted up in White Queen’s castle window)

Cheshire Cat:
Look Rabbit, you need to chillax!

White Rabbit:
What?

Cheshire Cat:
You know be mellow. Like the caterpillar

(Caterpillar’s head appears in the window for a second to say:)

Caterpillar:
MEEELLLLOOOOWWWWW…

White Rabbit:
But, I can’t. I’m late.

Caterpillar o/s:
 58

Laaaaaaaaaate…

Cheshire Cat:
Did you know a rabbit’s heart beats 255 times a minute?

White Rabbit (grabbing his heart):

What?

Cheshire Cat:
Nothing. Look now rabbit, what are you so afraid of?

White Rabbit:
I do not want to be locked in jail waiting for my head to get chopped off.
Excuse me! Pardon me!
Have you seen the duchess?

Scene Two- Jail (Alice, Hare, Hatter, Tweedles and Mock Turtle Shell (we do not know what the thing is
until it reveals its head) are in the jail)

The UNMERRY BIRTHDAY SONG (Dirge) (We may do this a capella or TRACK 33)(Very slowly the music
begins as lights slowly raise in the jail to a dim- the song is sung slowly by Tweedles, March Hare and
Hatter as follows):

March Hare:
A very unmerry birthday.

Tweedles:
To us. To us,

March Hare:
A very unmerry birthday.

Tweedles:
To us. To us.

Mad Hatter:
We’re stuck here in a jail cell
Our necks to be cut like crust

March Hare:
A very unmerry birthday…

All (dejectedly):
To us.

(Piggy runs across as if being scared by the entering Cardsmen) Footman enters with multiple Cardsmen
with tailor’s tape measure)
Queen’s Footman:
 59

On your feet you Putrid Pile of Pus Puke!

March Hare:
What’s going on?

Queen’s Footman:
We’re measuring your scrawny necks for axe sizes.

(Cardsmen measure while Footman speaks)

Queen’s Footman:
We’ve run out of baskets to catch the heads. If we use too big of a blade, the head falls off and rolls
away, and we have a devil of a time catching it. If we use a slightly smaller blade, we can leave a some
of tendons attached, so the head doesn’t roll away. But, don’t worry; you’ll die just the same…well…
maybe a little slower. Heh. Heh. Heh!!!

(Footman and Cardsmen exit)

Alice Three:
How are we going to get out of here? What are we going to do!?

Cheshire Cat (appearing):

Well now Um, it looks as though you have gotten your friends into a little bit of trouble, I’d say.

Alice Three:
Cat! Help us get out of here!

Cheshire Cat:
Oh, I’m afraid I never interfere after tea-time. Bad practice you know…

(Cat disappears. Cook enters with stew and shakes pepper into the bowls. Tweedles sneeze as they
gorge on the stew.)

Alice Three:
Cook! Can you help us?

(Cook shakes pepper at Alice who sneezes as Cook exits. White Rabbit runs by)

Alice Three:
Rabbit I…

White Rabbit (looking at watch waves her off):

No time. I’m late. I’m late!

(White Rabbit exits)

Alice Three:
 60

Oh, I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault.

Mock Turtle (revealing his head):

Never say it’s your fault!

All:
Gasp

Alice Three:
A giant turtle!

Mock Turtle:
No. I’m not a turtle. I am a Mock Turtle.

Alice Three:
What does that mean?

Mock Turtle:
I was a human, just like you. My brother H.D. and I used to be the Red Queen’s chess board keepers.
We mowed the lawns and carved those squares in the grass.

Mad Hatter:
I was wondering how that was done!

March Hare:
Yes. Me too. It’s very beautiful!

Mock Turtle:
Thank you. Any way one day my brother and I accidently mowed over the Queen’s favorite rose. And
she saw us from her balcony.

(Lights up on Queen in Balcony)

She used her magic to throw spells on us.

Queen of Hearts (points to imaginary H.D.):

You! Turn back into the egg from which you whence came. And you! You shall become a turtle. No.
Not a turtle…a Mock Turtle.

(Light goes out on Queen)

Mock Turtle:
And she turned my brother into an egg, and me into a mock turtle. And then she locked us up.

Alice Three:
Is your brother in here?

Mock Turtle:
 61

No he is stuck on a wall behind the chess-board. The Queen thought it would be meaner if she kept us
apart.

Alice Three:
How long have you been in here?

Mock Turtle:
Almost three years.

Alice Three:
Almost three years?! Isn’t there any way out of here?

Mock Turtle:
Well, I’ve managed to loosen that brick there. But the hole is too small for my shell to fit through. I’m,
afraid it’s too small for any of you to fit through.

(He pushes open the brick. Alice has an idea)

Alice Three:
I can get through it!

(SMALLIFICATION-TRACK 35) (She pulls out the potion, takes a drink, and turns into Alice Little)

Alice Little:
I shall go out and speak to the Mock Turtle’s brother, and get help. Don’t worry.

(She exits through the hole)

Mad Hatter:
I’m worried. Are you worried?

March Hare:
I’m worried. Are you worried?

Tweedles:
We’re worried. Are you worried?

Mock Turtle:
Leave me alone.

Scene Three-Humpty Dumpty’s Wall

T’WAS BRILLIG (TRACK 36) (Sung by Humpty Dumpty sitting on the wall):

'Twas Brillig
And the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe
All mimsy were the borogoves
 62

And the mome raths outgrabe

'Twas Brillig
And the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe
All mimsy were the borogoves
And the mome raths outgrabe

If it was, it would be. If it were, it could be.

But, as it isn’t, it’s plain. Cuz as it is, it ain’t.

'Twas Brillig
And the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe
All mimsy were the borogoves
And the mome raths outgrabe

If it was, it would be. If it were, it could be.

But, as it isn’t, it’s plain. Cuz as it is, it ain’t….

(Alice Little spies on H.D. as he continues to hum she says):

Alice Little:
It is HUMPTY DUMPTY himself. It can’t be anybody else! I’m as certain of it, as if his name were written
all over his face. And how eggzactly like an egg he is!

Humpty Dumpty:
It’s very provoking, to be called an egg—very!

Alice Little:
I said you looked like an egg, Sir. And some eggs are very pretty, you know.

Humpty Dumpty:
Some people have no more sense than a baby!

Alice Little:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall:
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty in his place again.

That last line is much too long for the poetry.

Humpty Dumpty:
Don’t stand there chattering to yourself like that. Tell me your name and business.

Alice Little:
My name is Al---
 63

Humpty Dumpty:
It’s a stupid enough name! What does it mean?

Alice Little:
Must a name mean something?

Humpty Dumpty:
Of course it must. My name means the shape I am—and a good handsome shape it is, too. With
a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.

Alice Little:
Why do you sit out here all alone?

Humpty Dumpty:
Why, because there’s nobody with me! Did you think I didn’t know the answer to that? Ask another.

Alice Little:
Don’t you think you’d be safer down on the ground? That wall is so very narrow!

Humpty Dumpty:
What tremendously easy riddles you ask! Of course I don’t think so! Why, if ever I did fall off—which
there’s no chance of—but if I did—If I did fall…the king has promised me—with his very own mouth—to
—to—

Alice Little:
To send all his horses and all his men.

Humpty Dumpty:
Now I declare that’s too bad! You’ve been listening at doors—and behind trees—and down chimneys—
or you couldn’t have known it!

Alice Little:
I have not! It’s in a book.

Humpty Dumpty:
Ah, well! They may write such things in a book, Yes, all his horses and all his men. They’d pick me up
again in a minute, they would! However, this conversation is going on a little too fast: let’s go back to the
last remark.

Alice Little:
I’m afraid I can’t quite remember it.

Humpty Dumpty:
In that case we start fresh, and it’s my turn to choose a subject—So here’s a question for you. How old
did you say you were?

Alice Four:
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Thirteen and seven months.

Humpty Dumpty:
Wrong! You never said that!

Alice Four:
I thought you meant “How old are you”

Humpty Dumpty:
If I’d meant that, I’d have said it. You look a little small to be thirteen and seven months.

Alice Little (taking a cookie out of her apron):

Oh yes. Excuse me.

(BIGGAFICATION-TRACK 37) (She nibbles the cookie and turns back into Alice Three)

Humpty Dumpty:
Well, that’s more like it. Now you look a little more like you. Whoever you are. What did you say your
name was child?

Alice Three:
Alice.

Humpty Dumpty:
Alice.? Alice! Alice! Why didn’t you say so immediately?

Alice Three:
Well, I…

Humpty Dumpty:
But I thought that Alice was a boy’s name that’s why I kept saying “he”. Oh well never mind. That song
that I have been singing for years is for you. It is about how you get the Sword of Vorpal, slay the
Jabberwok, and set us all free!

(Recite) Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Alice Three:
But, what does that mean?

Well, there are plenty of hard words there. “Brillig” means four o’clock in the afternoon—the time when
you begin broiling things for dinner.

Alice Three:
And “slithy”?
 65

Humpty Dumpty:
Well, “slithy” means “lithe and slimy.” “Lithe” is the same as active.” You see it’s like a portmanteau—
there are two meanings packed up into one word.

Alice Three (not seeing it at all):

I see it now, and what are “toves”?

Humpty Dumpty:
Well, “toves are something like badgers—they’re something like lizards—and they’re something like
corkscrews.

Alice Three:
They must be very curious looking creatures.

Humpty Dumpty:
They are that. Also they make their nests under sun-dials—also they live on cheese.

Alice Three:
And what’s to “gyre” and to “gimble”?

Humpty Dumpty:
‘To “gyre” is to go round and round like a gyroscope. To “gimble” is
to make holes like a gimblet. You know what? This is getting us no-where. Forget about the actual
words. What it means is that you have to get the sword of Vorpal to slay the Jabberwock.

Alice Three:
But how do I get the Sword of Vorpal.

Humpty Dumpty:
According to the song, it is guarded by the fierce Bandersnatch, who has the key around his neck.

Alice Three:
Yes. I’ve heard of the Bandersnatch. He eats people. How can I get the key from him?

Humpty Dumpty:
I have been thinking on that one for a long time. They say that a sleepy mouse plucked the
Bandersnatch’s eye out and kept it for a souvenir. Perhaps you can get the eye from the mouse and
trade it to the Bandersnatch for the key.

Alice Three:
Yes. Yes. Yes! That is a great idea! I think I know the mouse. And I know just where to find him.

(Alice runs off)

Humpty Dumpty:
Youth!!!.....It’s wasted on the young!
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Scene Four- On the way to Hatter’s house

Alice Three:
Yes. Yes. Yes. I’ll find that warrior mouse and ask him for the eye of the Bandersnatch. I’m certain he
will give it to me. Then I’ll have him show me where to find the Bandersnatch so that I can trade him his
eye back for the key. Once I get the key, I’ll use it to open the box to get the sword of Vorpal. And with
the sword of Vorpal I will slay the Jabberwok. (She stops in her tracks) Sword of Vorpal! Slay the
Jabberwok! What am I thinking? I’m not going to do it.

VERY GOOD ADVICE( TRACK 38)(Sung by Alice and small ensemble)

It’s too dangerous. You know I give myself very good advice…why don’t I follow it?

I give myself very good advice,

But I very seldom follow it,
That explains the trouble that I'm always in,
Be patient, is very good advice,
But the waiting makes me curious,
And I'd love the change,
Should something strange begin,.

I’m sure that I know right from wrong,

And I have the best intentions
I should be such a merry soul, but then I jump

I give myself very good advice,

But I very seldom follow it,
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?

Well I went along my merry way,

And I never stopped to reason,
I should have known there'd be a price to pay,
Someday...someday,

I give myself very good advice,

But I very seldom follow it,
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
Will I ever learn to do the things I should

Scene Five- Mad Hatter’s Front Yard (Mouse is asleep on the table. Caterpillar is here. Alice enters)

Alice Three:
Mouse. Mouse. Wake up.

Caterpillar:
Ooh it’s Youuuuuu. What are Youuu up tooooo?

Alice Three:
 67

I’ve got to get an eye from him (her).

Caterpillar:
I am not sure(s)he will like that.

Alice Three:
Not his (hers)! Ohh. Mouse wake up! Mouse! (She has an idea)…CAT

Mouse (jumping up):

Where? Where?

Alice Three:
Nowhere. I just needed to wake you up. I need your help. Do you have the Bandersnatch eye?

Mouse:
I never showed it to you? I thought that I had shown it to everyone. Here it is right here.

(He pulls it out of a Fruit Bowl)

Actually, lately, I’ve been feeling kind of bad for taking it from him.

Alice Three:
How would you like to trade it back?

Mouse:
What do you mean?

Alice Three:
I need to trade the eye back to the Bandersnatch to get the key to open the box to get the sword of
Vorpal to kill the Jabberwock.

Mouse:
What are we waiting for? Let’s go.

(Mouse runs off)

Alice Three:
Good bye Caterpillar.

Caterpillar:
Who are youuuu?

(Mouse comes back on)

Mouse:
C’mon!

(Alice runs after him and exits)

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Scene Six-Lair of the Bandersnatch (Alice and Mouse creep up on the Bandersnatch. Scary sounds come
from a crevice where we barely see the Bandersnatch. He has one red light as an eye, and fur. A
beautiful illuminated box with a big padlock is nearby.)

AEIOU CAN BE USED FOR SET CHANGE

Alice Three:
Mr. Bandersnatch…sir?

Bandersnatch (Special monster effect on voice):

WHO CALLS MY NAME?

Alice Three:
I’m sorry Mr. Bandersnatch, sir. Please don’t eat me!

Bandersnatch:
EAT YOU! Just because I look this way, and sound this way, doesn’t mean I’m mean. People make up
bad stories about me that simply are not true.

Alice Three:
I am so sorry to have just believed those stories without talking to you first. I hate people who do that.

Mouse (coming into Bandersnatch’s view):

Yes. I’m sorry too.

Bandersnatch:
YOU!!!

Alice Three:
No. No. Calm down Mr. Bandersnatch. We’ve come to make a deal. I have your eye!

Bandersnatch:
My Eye!

Alice Three:
Yes, and we’d like to trade it to you for the key around your neck.

Bandersnatch:
Is this a trick or something?

Alice Three:
No. We brought it with us. Mouse show him the eye.

(Mouse shows eye)

Bandersnatch:
 69

Take the key, and give me the eye.

(Alice Three unties the key around his neck. As she backs away, Mouse rolls the eye into the crevice. A
second red-light eye lights up in the crevice.)

Alice Three:
Thank you Mr. Bandersnatch!

Bandersnatch:
No. Thank you.

(Bandersnatch disappears into the depths of the crevice They see the Vorpal chest.)

Mouse:
There it is. Open it!

(Alice opens the lock and retrieves the beautiful sword of Vorpal and gives it a few test lashes.)

Alice Three:
It’s very heavy.

Mouse:
It has to be to kill the Jabberwok.

Alice Three:
I’ll have to practice with it on the way there. Hurry, take me to the White Queen’s castle. We have no
time to lose. We’ve got to rescue the Hatter and his friends before they lose their heads.

Mouse:
Let’s go!

(They run off)

Scene Seven-The River (Alice and Mouse come to a river)

Mouse:
We need to go down that river.

Alice Three:
I am not a very good swimmer.

Mouse:
I can’t swim at all.

(Dodo bird flies in, and sea creatures pop their heads out of the water.)

Dodo Bird:
 70

Perhaps my friends and I can be of some assistance.

Sea creatures:
Yes. Yes. Please.

Alice Three:
Well, we need to get down that river to get to the White Queen’s castle, but I’m not a good swimmer,
and Mouse can’t swim at all.

Dodo Bird:
No problemo. Get in the water and my friends will swim you there.

OCEAN OF TEARS and THE CAUCUS RACE (TRACKS 40 &41) (Sung by Dodo Bird, Sea creatures and The
rest of the ensemble in the Caucus Race)

Dodo Bird:
I am the monarch of the sea,
the ruler of the Queens’ navy
I sail the ocean blue
And my saucy ship’s a beauty
I am a Dodo brave and true
And attentive

Stroke, you hard-shelled crustaceans! Stroke or I’ll boil some butter and eat you for brunch!

Alice:
Oh my, I’m all wet.

Mouse:
Here, I’ll blow you dry (Mouse blows)

Alice:
I don’t think it’s working.

Dodo Bird:
My dear young damsel, the only way to get yourself dry in Underland is to initiate an officially
sanctioned caucus Race.

Mouse:
I love a caucus race.

(Land creatures come out)

All:
Yay!

Dodo Bird:
 71

Everybody take your place

Before we start the caucus race.

All creatures:
With your wings and feet and fins,
Soon the race begins.

Donkey and elephant in the rain

Elect to race ‘til dry again.

Dodo Bird:
When you hear them sneeze and cough, they’re off!

All:
Achoo! A-cough!

Mouse:
They’re off?

All:
Achoo! A-cough!

Dodo Bird:
There off!

All:
Forward, backward, inward, outward, bottom to the top,
Makes no difference where you run,

Alice:
As long as you don’t stop.

All:
Never any finish line.

Alice:
You might wear out your shoes!

All:
But, when the race is over, no one ever seems to lose.

Dodo Bird:
Prizes!

Mouse:
Prizes?

All:
 72

Prizes, prizes, prizes!

Forward, backward, inward, outward, bottom to the top,

Never a beginning there can never be a stop,
To skipping, hopping, tripping, clopping fancy free and gay.
Started it tomorrow but we’ll finish yesterday.

Round and round and round we go until forevermore.

For once we were behind but now we find we are be…
Forward, backward, inward, outward, come and join the chase.
Nothing could be drier than a jolly caucus,

Alice, Dodo and Mouse:

Jolly caucus!

All:
Jolly caucus race!

Dodo Bird:
Well, you’re dry now. And the White Queen’s Castle is just over there. Be careful of the Jabberwock!

Alice Three:
That’s exactly who we’ve come to see.

Dodo Bird:
Well, whatever floats your boat! Good bye!

Ensemble:
Good bye etc.

Scene Eight-The White Queen’s Castle (White Queen is still in the window of the castle)

When Will My Life Begin? (Reprise )(A capella) (The White Queen sings a verse of the tangled song as
Alice and the Mouse approach. The White Queen notices them from her window.)

White Queen:
I shouldn’t ask for more
I have so many things, I should be thankful for
Yes I have everything,
Except I guess..a door!
Perhaps…

Who’s there?

(They come out in the open)

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A girl and a mouse! What are you doing here. Go away. Don’t you know that his place is patrolled by
the fearsome Jabberwock.

Alice Three:
That is why we are here, you highness. To slay the Jabberwock!

White Queen:
Are you Alice?

Alice Three:
Yes your majesty. And I have the Sword of Vorpal with me.

White Queen:
Thank the Gods. I never thought you’d come. He is usually over by that stream down there.

Alice Three:
Sssssshhh. I think I see him. Let’s go Mouse.

Mouse:
I’ll lead the way. I’ve been past him before.

White Queen:
Godspeed and good luck to you.

(Light goes out on White Queen’s window and Alice and Mouse exit. A paper cut-out of Alice with a
sword stabs a paper cut out of the Jabberwock in a shadow on the wall of the castle. Lots of nasty
Jabberwock screeches and “Take that and that” from Alice.)

BLACKOUT

Scene Nine- The Red Queen’s Grounds (Hatter is about to have his head chopped off. Alice, Mouse and
White Queen enter)

Queen of Hearts:
Off with his head!

White Queen:
Wait!! Your reign is over sister! My champion has slain the Jabberwock and freed me.

Red Queen:
Guards.

(White Queen’s friends battle with Red Queen’s Cardsmen, with Footman being killed by Mouse. White
Queen stops the carnage by yelling)

White Queen:
STOOOOOOPPPPPP!!!!!
 74

(Everyone stops)

Sister… I know how much you love games…

Red Queen:
Yes. What of it?

White Queen:
Can you still tap?

Red Queen:
Better than you any day!

White Queen:
I propose a “tap off”!

Red Queen:
DELIGHTFUL!!!!!!

(A “tap off occurs between White Queen and Red Queen and Red Queen loses. (May be a capella or
TRACK 43)

White Rabbit:
Now that the Jabberwock is dead, your magical power over us is gone, you better be gone, before we
chop off your head.

King:
C’mon dear. We’d better leave.

(She shakes off his arm)

Red Queen:
I’ll lead the way. Who does she think she is anyway.

(The Tweedles start to sing.)

Whooooo Are Youuuuu? (Track 44) (Alice talks while cast sings) (See book for singing lyrics)

Alice Three:
Well, I’m not a silly pair of Tweedles who get all bent out of shape and tied up in knots if you don’t know
the proper way to say hello!
And I’m certainly not a bunch of snooty flower girls who act like they’re better than everybody else…
And whose only ambition in life is to look pretty!
And I am not some party animal mad hatter…who likes to cheat at games…and break other people’s
things just because he thinks it’s funny.
I’m not a crazy white rabbit who never…has time to visit and play and get to know me…when all I
wanted was to be his friend
 75

And I am absolutely…

Alice Little:
Positively

Alice:
Categorically!

Alice Little and Alice:

Not a big old nasty Queen of Hearts…

Alice Little:
…Who bosses people around.

(Curtain closes. Only Blackout in the show as crowd jeers).

(BACK TO REALITY-TRACK 45) is played as scene change music again as we go back to the classroom)

Scene Ten- Classroom (Only Alice One, White Rabbit and Ms. Mathilda and class are here. Cats pop in
as written)

White Rabbit:
Wake up Alice! Alice Wake up!

Alice One:
What? Who?

White Rabbit:
No time to talk. I’m late.

(Rabbit runs off)

Cheshire Cat (in Box #1):

See ya later alligator (shuts lid).

Cheshire Cat (opens lid in Box#2)

After a while crocodile (shuts lid)

Alice One:
What? It can’t be. I slayed the Jabberwock.

(She opens box #1)

Nothing here.

(Class re-animates)
 76

Miss Mathilda:
Alice. Would you like lead our song?

Alice One:
Boy! Would I!
(Curtains open)

Alice In Wonderland (Finale) (TRACK 46) (Sung by All)

Alice in Wonderland. How do you get to Wonderland. Over the hill or Underland. Or just behind the tree.
Where can it be? Oh. Oh. Oh. Past the rainbow follow the brightest star. Your heart will lead you straight
to who you are. Alice in Wonderland. Where is the path to Wonderland? Over the hill or here or there?
I wonder where.

BOWS

Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah (BOWS)(TRACK 47) (MOUSE COMES OUT FIRST AND ONLY MOUSE SINGS GROUP 1
AS SHE SINGS TO THE ACTORS (GROUP 2)WHO ARE COMING OUT BOWING, AND MOUSE MOTIONS TO
THEM)

Curtain!

EXIT MUSIC-TRACK 48

The End