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ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 1

SCENE 1
A PORTRAIT

ohis z
~~

,$ g In the dark we hear heavy metal music. Perhaps a snippet of

"White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane. As the lights rise we find
EDITH LIDELL, Alice's sister, standing behind an easel. Sitting
before her on a stool and fidgeting is her model, ALICE
~ LIDDELL, her younger sister.
EDITH (as she is painting and as Alice is fidgeting): Alice! Be Still! Please! I'm
CAST OF CHARACTERS weary of telling you!
Roles which may be played by either gender are in italics. ALICE: I can't help it. I'm bored and I'm excited. How can you be both things at
the same time? I don't know, but there it is is. So sue me. (Pause) Why are
• Alice we having to do this outside?
• Edith
EDITH: Because mom wants a portrait of you in the garden.
• White Rabbit
• Door ALICE: I don't like being outside. It goes again my nature. There are bugs.
• Cheshire Cat ALICE starts to fidget again.
• Caterpillar EDITH: BE STILL!
• Madge or Moose (depending upon gender cast)
• Footman ALICE: But I'm BORED!
• Cook EDITH: The more you move around, the longer this will take! Please! Mom
• Duchess wants me to finish this for your birthday.
• Humpty Dumpty ALICE sits still. EDITH continues to paint...
% Flowers
o Lily
ALICE: The paint fumes stink. They make me dizzy. Lightheaded. Sleepy. (Beat)
So what did they get me?
o Violet
o Rose EDITH: Who?
o Daisy ALICE: Mom and dad- for my birthday? What did they get me? Besides this
o Amaryllis stupid portrait.
• Mad Hatter
EDITH: It's not stupid and I'm not telling.
• March Hare
• Dormouse ALICE: Please...?
• Club Soldier #1 EDITH: No.
• Club Soldier #2 ALICE: Will I like it?
• Queen of Hearts
EDITH: Yes. Sit still.
• King of Hearts
• Two Card ALICE: I hope it's a cat. Is it a cat?
• Five Card EDITH: I'm not telling.
• Seven Card ALICE: I like cats. Except the musical. Sarah Silman has a cat. She's in my
class. Sarah, that is. Not the cat. And when you tickle her belly, she smiles.
The cat, that is ... not Sara Silman. I've never tickled Sarah Silman's belly, but
I bet if I did, she'd smile. (Beat) Are you done yet?
EDITH (concentrating heavily): No. I need to finish the...
ALICE (as she jumps up and runs to the easel): You're finished? I wanna see...!
 it

2 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 3

ALICE's sudden jump startles EDITH and she "swipes" the ALICE (defiantly): I don't care. (Beat) Please don't tell Mom! (Beat) EDITH!
canvas with her brush.
ALICE sits for a moment. She glances around then checks
EDITH: ALICE!?! Now you've ruined it! over her shoulder to see if EDITH is gone. Once she is
ALICE (studying the canvas, which is unseen by the audience): That doesn't assured she is alone, she jumps off her stool and begins to
look anything like me... wander around. She spies a sketch book which she picks up
EDITH: It's abstract. and begins to flip through, passing judgment on each sketch.
Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Super boring. So boring it's boring.
ALICE: It's abnormal
EDITH: I'm not finished. She drops the sketch book. She continues to look around.
She spies a set of paint brushes which she picks up and
ALICE: My hands are too big. My feet are too small. Where's my head? studies. After a moment she gets an idea.
EDITH: You moved. Oh!
ALICE: Looks like it's been cut off. I don't think I look very pretty headless.
She then places the brushed in her mouth on either side so
Taking ALICE by the shoulders and leading her back to the they hang down resembling the tusks of a walrus.
stool: Look at me. I'm a walrus.
EDITH: If you do not sit down and be still, I am going to cut off your head for
She takes the brushes out of her mouth and spies EDITH's
real! I'm going to run inside and get some thinner to repair the damage you smock, which she puts on.
made me do. Sit here. Do not move. Do not breathe. Do not speak. Do not
touch anything. Understand? (Pretending to be Edith waving brushes)
"Look at me. I'm a famous artist. I know everything there is to know about
ALICE doesn't respond.
paint thinner, easels and... stuff. I can paint anything!"
Understand?
ALICE laughs at herself, falling to the floor.
ALICE doesn't respond.
Wow. These paints stink.
ALICE!?!
She glances around once again.
ALICE (through her clenched teeth): You told me not to speak.
Man. I'm bored.
EDITH: You are impossible. And very frustrating.
ALICE then lies on her back and, taking the paint brushes,
ALICE: And cute. Don't forget cute.
pretends to be painting the sky.
EDITH: They jury is still out on that one. (As she is painting)
ALICE: And a snappy dresser!
A little blue there. A splash of yellow here. A tinge of red in the corner there.
EDITH: I'll be back in a bit. DON'T MOVE YOU ART UNAPPRECIATIVE PEASANT! (She begins to get sleepy) A hint of burnt sienna along the edges. (Becoming
As EDITH takes off her smock. increasingly sleepy) An accent of robin's egg blue at the bottom.,
ALICE: Pheasant?!? Oh, that sounds yummy. Is that what we are having for ALICE drifts off to sleep as "White Rabbit" is reprised,
lunch? accompanied by a light change, fog, and the turn of a mirror
ball. Through the haze we see the rather disheveled WHITE
EDITH: NOT Pheasant! Peasant!
RABBIT run onstage, flying right into the easel. With
ALICE: That, too! Who do you think you are? Huh? A Duchess? A... a... something of a CRASH!, ALICE wakes a bit startled.
Countess?l? Stop running around here acting like you're some kinda queen WHITE RABBIT: Oh, shiver me whiskers and twirl my timbers! Oh, dear... oh,
EDITH: Alice, be quiet! dear... oh, dear! What a mess! What a stinkin' mess! What a stinkin', oogy-
googy mess! Oh, dear ... oh, dear ... oh, dear!
ALICE sticks her tongue out at EDITH.
ALICE: Who are you?
(Calmly)
WHITE RABBIT: Who are you?
I'm telling.
ALICE: Who am I?

i
 aedi ~ aeseves" ~

~ ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 5

WHITE RABBIT: Don't you know who you are?

SCENE 2
ALICE: Yes. I do. But who are you?
DOWN THE HOLE
WHITE RABBIT: Of course, I... (Catching himself as they are falling into a word
trap... ) Oh, stop that! ALICE loses her balance and "slides" down the hole, also
ending with a rough landing. Once the WHITE RABBIT sees
ALICE: I'm Alice. her coming down...
ALICE and the WHITE RABBIT stare at each other for a WHITE RABBIT (as they are scurrying off): I have got to get a lock for that
moment. thing... oh, dear... oh, dear.. oh, dear I'm late! Late, late, late, late, late!
WHITE RABBIT: I'm the White Rabbit.
As the WHITE RABBIT scurries off, the DOOR enters. ALICE
ALICE: Yeah. I gathered. A talking White Rabbit? sits in something of a heap at the base of the slide... or,
WHITE RABBIT: Apparently. (Beat) Well. Gotta run. whatever...
ALICE: Okay. That was odd. (She looks around) I wonder where I'm... (She
The WHITE RABBIT starts to scurry off.
suddenly realizes) Oh. Great. A hole. I'm in a hole. It's my birthday and I arr
ALICE: Wait! sitting in ... a... hole. (Beat) Yay me.
WHITE RABBIT: Oh. No. Can't. Sorry. Late. ALICE notices the DOOR.
The WHITE RABBIT starts to scurry off once again. ALICE Hello? What's this?
follows...
DOOR: "Knock. Knock."
ALICE: Where are you running off to? I want to talk. I've never had a
ALICE (confused): Uh... who's there ...?
conversation with a talking rabbit before!
DOOR: Orange
WHITE RABBIT: Can't stop at the moment to have tea, biscuits and a nice long
chat. Gotta run! ALICE: Orange?
ALICE: No ... but wait... I... DOOR: No. You say "orange who?"...
WHITE RABBIT: Stop following me! Oh, the queen is going to have my head! ALICE: What?
ALICE: What queen? I just want to... DOOR: Not "orange what"... who. "Orange who."
WHITE RABBIT (to Alice): "Cease and desist! Cease and desist! 911! 9111" ALICE: Huh?

ALICE continues to chase after the WHITE RABBIT. DOOR: Not "huh"... "who!" "Knock. Knock..."

ALICE: I just want to ask you a question ... or several ... ALICE: I don't...

NOTE: "They" is used as the WHITE RABBIT may be either DOOR: Say "Who's there!!"
gender. ALICE: Who's there.
WHITE RABBIT (flustered as they attempt to lose Alice): Oh, dear... oh, dear... DOOR: "Orange..."
oh, dear... what to do when being stalked? ALICE: Can you tell me...
Beat. The WHITE RABBIT spies the "hole in the ground," DOOR: Say "Orange who?l?"
which is a slide, or something alike... or whatever the
production team decides. ALICE: Orange who!

Oh! There you are! DOOR: Orange you glad you came a-knockin'?

They quickly slide down. ALICE, above, is confused as to The DOOR KNOB cracks up at their own joke.
where the WHITE RABBIT disappeared. I'm funny! Admit it... I am one funny door!
ALICE: Now where could that rabbit have... ALICE: I don't get it.
DOOR: It's a play on the word... "Orange"... (Beat) Get it?
ALICE: No.
6 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 7

DOOR: Wow. Really. ALICE (tiredly): "Who's there...?"

ALICE: I'm kinda lost. You see, I was running after this white rabbit, who, DOOR: Look behind you.
strange as it may seem, talks. Although not as strange as a talking door. And ALICE: "Look behind you, who?"
I fell down this hole. And it's my birthday. And ... I'm spilling my guts to a door.
DOOR: No. Look behind you.
DOOR: SOR-ING! Your story is boring. You should spice it up with hand
gestures and sequined leggings. (Beat) "Knock. Knock." ALICE: Oh! I thought you were telling me another knock-knock joke, and...

ALICE: Who's there ...? DOOR: We've moved on. Look behind you.
DOOR: Now you're getting it. "Doris." ALICE does so.

ALICE: "Doris who?" DOOR: See that bottle?

DOOR: "Doris is locked. That's why I had you knock! ALICE: Yes.

The DOOR, once again, laughs long and hard at their own DOOR: Drink it.
joke. ALICE: I don't think my mother would like it if I drank something from a strange
ALICE: Can you help me? bottle. It might make me sick.

DOOR: That depends. DOOR: 'Knock. Knock.'

ALICE: Upon what? ALICE: "Who's there?"

DOOR: If I want to or not. Look behind you. Well, how about that, I just helped. DOOR: "Yo momma."
ALICE: "Yo momma. who?'
ALICE looks behind herself.
Oops. Nice. My bad. Sorry. I meant above. Look above you. DOOR: "Yo momma called and said 'drink from the bottle."
ALICE: Oh? Really? I didn't hear a phone ring.
ALICE looks above her.
DOOR: It's on vibrate. Obey yo momma!
On the ledge there.
ALICE: Alrighty, then.
ALICE: What?
DOOR: There should be a key there. See it? ALICE takes the bottle and drinks from it. 'Funky music' rises
as ALICE begins to do a bit of a "hurkey-jerky" dance as the
ALICE: No... l... (She spies the key) Oh, there it isl contents of the bottle take their effect.
DOOR: Take it. Unlock me. I'd do it myself, but I don't have hands. Or arms. Or What is happening to me?
legs. Or a torso. So, my options are rather limited. Once you are through the
DOOR: You, my dear, are officially shrinking! So now you can go through my
door, find the Queen of Hearts and she will help you find your way home.
door!
Maybe.
ALICE (excitedly): Golly gee ding dang wizzedly do doodley pops! I've never met Music cross fades to "game show" music as the DOOR
a Queen before! 'grows."
DOOR: ...The key ... ? So come on down! You're the next contestant on "the size is right!" Step right
up!
ALICE grabs the key and runs to the door.
Once the DOOR is fully grown, ALICE "enters' and the Door
ALICE: Oh, yeah... disappears.
ALICE drops to her knees and begins to try the door. She then Good luck! Don't worry! Be happy! Don't let the door split ya, where...
realizes...
ALICE (cutting the Door off): THANK YOU. (Beat) I think.
Hey. Wait a minute. What a cotton-pickin'-midnight-at-the-oasis-put-your-
camel-to-bed-cotton-pickin' minute. I can't fit through that! You're too small!
If I can't fit through, then how am I supposed to get home?
DOOR: Not my problem. "Knock. Knock."
8 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 9

SCENE 3 ALICE: Oh! I love cats!

A TALKING CAT CHESHIRE CAT: Of course you do!

As the music of "Don't Worry, Be Happy' rises, ALICE wanders

ALICE: I'm hoping to get one for my birthday. That is, if I can ever find my way
home.
through, mystified as to where she is.
CHESHIRE CAT: Lost, are you?
ALICE: Now that's stinkin' weird. On one side of the door I am in a hallway, and
on the other side I'm in the jungle. ALICE: Yep. That's about the size of it.
Above we notice a sliver of a moon. CHESHIRE CAT: Do you have talking cats where you come from? I'm just
wondering because you don't seem particularly bothered by the fact I'm a cat
(As she continues to explore)
who can talk. Cat. Talking. Hello? You don't think that's a little "off the
Good thing the moon is so bright so I can see. Hate to fall down another beam," so to speak?
hole. Boy. Talk about ironic.
ALICE: I just had a deep and beautiful conversation with a door. Not to mention
The moon changes into a smiling mouth. that babbling rabbit. Nothing surprises me. (Beat) So what do you do here in
Why that looks just like a ... this ... where am I?
CHESHIRE CAT: Wonderland.
The mouth is actually the smile of the CHESHIRE CAT.
ALICE (simultaneously): ...mouth ALICE: Ah. Yeah. That makes sense. I was wondering where I am. I'm
wandering around in wonder in Wonderland. Wonderful.
CHESHIRE CAT (simultaneously): Hello...'?
CHESHIRE CAT: You're not in a very pleasant mood. You're very ill-tempered.
ALICE: Which I can now safely assume that's precisely what it is as it just
greeted me. ALICE: It's my birthday. I should be home counting my presents. Instead I am in
a hole... talking to a cat.
CHESHIRE CAT: There once was a cat, who possessed a great smile,
CHESHIRE CAT: There once was a girl named Alice,
And he talked to a little girl for a while.
Who was filled with nothing but malice.
For a bit of fun,
The cat tried to make nice,
He made fun of her bum,
And then he tired twice
Which he did with finesse, grace and style.
But the girl was too mean and callous.
ALICE: That's not a very nice limerick.
ALICE: Okay. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm just hungry. I had a Kit Kat for breakfast
CHESHIRE CAT: But it's a funny limerick. and it's wearing off.
ALICE: Uh. Not really. The CHESHIRE CAT screams in fear.
CHESHIRE CAT: I think so. And that's all that matters. CHESHIRE CAT: Aaaaahhhhhhhhh! You cannibal! You savage!
ALICE: You're very contrary. ALICE: What?
CHESHIRE CAT: Perhaps a bit. You know who's really contrary? CHESHIRE CAT: You monster! Eating Kitty Kats for breakfast! And you said you
ALICE: I can safely say I do not. liked cats.
CHESHIRE CAT: Mary. Do you know her? ALICE: Give me a break! I do! I do! I love cats.
ALICE: Nope. Still don't know her. CHESHIRE CAT: I'll just bet you do- on a bed of rice pilaf with a side of sweet
potatoes!
CHESHIRE CAT: Mary Mary quite contrary. You should see how her garder
grows. CHESHIRE CAT attempts to leave.
ALICE has absolutely no response to this. ALICE: No! Wait! Don't go! Please!
ALICE: I'm Alice. CHESHIRE CAT: I have no intention of staying around and being your next hors
d'oeuvre.
CHESHIRE CAT: And I am the ever smiling, ever beguiling Cheshire Cat.
10 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 11

ALI CE: W hat are you...? (She then realizes) Oh ... no... wait, wait, wait... I get it. CHESHIRE CAT: You're on a journey to find the queen,
No... I said I liked to eat Kit Kats.
Who has a reputation for being quite mean.
CHESHIRE CAT: I KNOW! I HEARD YOU! LOUD AND CLEAR, MISS BIG MOUTH!!! But first you get fed,
ALICE: In my world Kit Kats are candy. And don't lose your head,
CHESHIRE CAT: Oh, horror! Kitty Kats as candy! As we journey into the next scene.
ALICE: No... it's really candy. A chocolate wafer. They're good. Yummy! Meow.
The CHESHIRE CAT is cautious for a moment.
And the CHESHIRE CAT disappears. ALICE is left alone.
CHESHIRE CAT: I do like chocolate.
ALICE: Wait! Where are you going?!? You didn't tell me anything! Wait! (Beat,
ALICE: And wafers. Why does everything run away down here? (Beat) Man. I'm hungry.
CHESHIRE CAT: And I do like wafers.
ALICE: Then you'll stay?
CHESHIRE CAT: For a moment, and only for a moment. I am a very busy feline.
I have tons to do. There are hairballs still left to be coughed up.
ALICE: I'll make it quick. I am trying to find the Queen of Hearts.
CHESHIRE CAT: Why?
ALICE: To help me get back home.
CHESHIRE CAT: Why?
ALICE: So I can go to my birthday party.
CHESHIRE CAT: Why?
ALICE: So I can get presents.
CHESHIRE CAT: Why?
ALICE: So I can have more stuff.
CHESHIRE CAT: Why?
ALICE: Because I like stuff.
CHESHIRE CAT: Wh ...
ALICE: STOP THAT! (Beat) Do you know where the Queen of Hearts lives?
CHESHIRE CAT: In a castle, as all proper Queens do. But you don't want to
meet the Queen.
ALICE: I kinda do.
CHESHIRE CAT: No. You don't.
ALICE: Kinda think I do.
CHESHIRE CAT: You see, she doesn't like little girls. If I were you, I would avoid
the Queen of Hearts. Or as I like to call her, "The Mean of Hearts."
ALICE: But the door told me she was the only one who could help me. I've got
to find her. Will you help me?
12 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 13

SCENE 4 CATERPILLAR: Change is easy. You just gotta let it happen. Look at the change
THE CATERPILLAR CAFE I am going to experience. It won't be long and I'll be a beautiful butterfly
soaring amongst the clouds. High. Up there. Above. In the heavenly plane.
The music fades to the sounds of the forest. .. birds, etc., as
ALICE: Yes. It's called a chrysalis. You'll turn into a chrysalis and then into a
the CATERPILLAR enters, unseen, and ALICE wanders
butterfly.
through. The Caterpillar reclines in a bean bag chair dressed
in a tie-dye shirt, and sunglasses, blowing bubbles as they CATERPILLAR: How do you know that?
speak. ALICE: I learned it in school. I'm very smart. Where's the server? I'm hungry!
Suddenly MADGE or MOOSE, depending upon the gender CATERPILLAR: Peace, little one. Peace. Your aura is coming through a dirty
cast, enters dressed as a server in dirty apron, etc. They carry brown. Where's my smudge stick? (Beat) Tell me. Why do you stare?
a tray and look a bit frazzled.
ALICE: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. I've never met a caterpillar
MADGE/MOOSE (shouting to someone offstage): I NEED AN ADAM AND EVE before. I mean, a talking caterpillar... wearing tye-dye.
ON A RAFT AND WRECK 'EM! (They notice Alice) What'dya have?
CATERPILLAR: Then you've led a very sheltered and unfortunate life. But
ALICE: Excuse me? that's ... like... groovy.
MADGE/MOOSE: This ain't no library, lady. It's a diner. We have a motto here: MADGE/MOOSE enters.
"No eat. No seat." So either order it or move it.
MADGE/MOOSE (to someone offstage): I NEED A SHIMMY WITH A SHINGLE
MADGE/MOOSE notices something offstage. AND SHAKE IT!
Oh. More customers. ALICE (to Madge/Moose): Oh, excuse me, but may I order...
They hand ALICE a menu. MADGE/MOOSE (to Alice as they exit): Be right with you, honey.
Here's a menu. Look it over. Roast Beet is the Special. I'll be back. ALICE: Not before I starve to death.
MADGE/MOOSE hurries off, leaving a confused ALICE. CATERPILLAR: Come closer, sister. I have advice I wish to impart upon you.
ALICE: Where am I? ALICE moves a few steps closer.
CATERPILLAR: Greetings little one. As you journey though life, it is important to remember these things. One.
ALICE: What? Who said that? Keep your temper.
ALICE: And two ... ?
CATERPILLAR: I did. Welcome my cosmic sister and life sojourner, to the
Caterpillar Cafe. CATERPILLAR: That everything is beautiful. In its own way. Like the starry
ALICE: The Caterpillar Cafe? I'm confused. Just a moment ago I was talking summer night. Or a snow covered winter's day. Wouldn't you like to be a
to ... a ... cat. Pepper, too? (Beat) Where did you come from, little one?
CATERPILLAR: Hey. You look frazzled. Slow down. Lay back. Breathe. Get into ALICE: My house.
the groove. Go with the flow. Etcetera. CATERPILLAR: Right on. And where is your abode? Your yurt?
MADGE/MOOSE enters. As they cross the stage they yell... ALICE: Uh... well, I don't really know. Up there. I think. I fell down a hole, and...
MADGE/MOOSE: BURN ONE, TAKE IT THROUGH THE GARDEN AND PIN A ROSE CATERPILLAR: You don't know where your house is? You're not very smart, are
ON IT! (To Alice as they exit) Be right with ya. you, sister?

They exit. ALICE: I'm smart! Very smart! Smart enough to know what a chrysalis is!
CATERPILLAR: I'm a caterpillar. CATERPILLAR: Hey, hey, hey- lighten up! Heal. Don't get your Birkenstocks in
a twist.
ALICE: Yes. I know.
CATERPILLAR: How do you know that? MADGE/MOOSE enters.

ALICE: Because I'm smart. And things keep changing so quickly. MADGE/MOOSE: I do not mind tellin' you- no, I do NOT mind a-tellin' you my
dogs are a-barkin'!
ALICE: "A-barkin'?"
14 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 15

MADGE/MOOSE: That's right, a-barkin'. I have been rushed off my feet all day. MADGE/MOOSE and CATERPILLAR point in opposite
ALL DAY, I tell you! So, what can I get ya, honey? Chicken pot pie? It's good. directions.
Good stuff that Chicken Pot Pie. MADGE/MOOSE (simultaneously); That way.
ALICE: Oh. Yeah. Hey, that does sound good. I'll have the chicken pot pie. CATERPILLAR (simultaneously); That way.
MADGE/MOOSE: We're out. (Beat) How 'bout a tuna sandwich? It's good. Good ALICE (frustrated): You two are impossible! I'm outta here. Ciao.
stuff that tuna sandwich.
CATERPILLAR: Pleasant journeys and Godspeed.
ALICE: Okay. Tuna sounds good also, I guess.
MADGE/MOOSE: Come back on Tuesday. Blue Plate Special. Buck fifty. ANC
MADGE/MOOSE: We're out. (Beat) How 'bout a banana dipped in peanut FREE PIE! (Beat) Buy me something pretty!
butter? It's good. Good stuff that...
MADGE/MOOSE and CATERPILLAR exit.
ALICE (interrupting): How about you tell me what you've got and then I can
order ... ? ALICE (to herself): Let's see. I'll just go in... this direction. Because whatever
direction I go in, I am bound to come across something or someone.
MADGE/MOOSE: Oh, yeah. Smart thinkin'. Probably a yodeling Lay-Z-Boy recliner!
ALICE (to Caterpillar): See. I told you I was smart.
MADGE/MOOSE: I'll tell you what we've got, then you can order.
ALICE: Okay. What'cha got?
MADGE/MOOSE: Nothin'.
ALICE: Nothing?
MADGE/MOOSE: That's right. Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard is bare.
ALICE: What kind of cafe runs out of food?
CATERPILLAR: Not a very good one.
MADGE/MOOSE: Not a very good one.
CATERPILLAR: OR a really good one!
MADGE/MOOSE: OR a really good one!
ALICE: Well, this is just a pretty pink fine "how do you do?" I need to find the
Queen of Hearts, and I can't very well do that on an empty stomach. I mean
how would it look if I met the Queen of Hearts and I start to curtsey, as all
ladies should when they meet a Queen.. and BAM! I fell over at her feet,
dead faint from hunger!?!
CATERPILLAR: If you meet the Queen, you will be dead.
ALICE: Meaning?
MADGE/MOOSE: Ignore him.
ALICE: So, since you haven't any food- can you at least point me in the
direction of the castle of the Queen of Hearts?
MADGE/MOOSE and CATERPILLAR point in opposite
directions.
MADGE/MOOSE (simultaneously); That way.
CATERPILLAR (simultaneously); That way.
ALICE: Well-- which direction is it?
16 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 17

SCENE 5 FOOTMAN: For the Duchess. And invitation from the Queen to play croquet.
TOO MANY COOKS! ALICE (overhearing): The Queen?!?
ALICE once again begins to wander. Suddenly a cooking pot COOK: The Duchess is busy!
whizzes by her. The COOK snatches the invitation from the FOOTMAN.
ALICE: Hey! That almost hit me! (Referring to the printed invitation)
She no sooner says this than another cooking pot sails past This is environmentally irresponsible and a waste of paper. It's called
her. Eventbrite. Google it.
HEY! WHOEVER IT IS CHUCKING THESE POTS AT ME- CUT IT OUT! The COOK exits and the FOOTMAN crosses the stage and sits.
The FOOTMAN enters from the opposite side of the stage ALICE crosses down. From offstage we hear a cacophony of
carrying an oversized envelope. ALICE notices and crosses pots and pans.
down. The Footman ignores her, freezing in a stance. ALICE (to the Footman): Do you know the Duchess? I'd like to talk to her.
Excuse me ... uh... but I seem to be a wee bit lost, and I was wondering if ... FOOTMAN: Knocking will be a waste of time for two reasons. One: I would be
Suddenly the CHESHIRE CAT appears. unable to open the door for you, as we are on the same side of the door.
Two: They are making so much noise in there, they wouldn't hear you
CHESHIRE CAT: They won't talk to you. Not allowed. knocking. So forget it.
ALICE: There you are! Where did you disappear to? ALICE: Well, then I shall go in without knocking!
CHESHIRE CAT: Sorry. It was time for my... cat nap.
ALICE starts to cross as COOK, still with her large cooking pot
ALICE: What is that heavenly smell? and spoon, and the DUCHESS storm on stage which frightens
CHESHIRE CAT: It's coming from the house of the Duchess. She's got a great the FOOTMAN, who runs off. The Cook and Alice stand nose
cook. A crazy cook, yes- without a doubt... but the best in the land. to nose in silence.

ALICE: Duchess?!? Surely a Duchess knows a Queen. I could ask her where It smells heavenly, but there's too much pepper in that soup.
the castle is! COOK: No one asked your opinion. You sound just like my sister. Always
CHESHIRE CAT: Yeah. Sure. Do that. But I must warn you. If you do, it could be sticking her nose into other people's soup where it doesn't belong!
a cat-tastrophe! ALICE: I'm sure your sister is very nice and an excellent judge of soup.
Another cooking pot flies by ALICE and the CHESHIRE CAT. COOK: Isn't! She thinks she's a Queen because she works over at the
And that is my cue to skedaddle. Caterpillar Cafe.

ALICE: Hey! No! Wait! You dumped me last time! You can't run out on me ALICE: Oh! That reminds me. (Crossing to the Duchess) Excuse me, madam...
again but, I was wondering if you knew the Queen?

CHESHIRE CAT (effecting a "fading voice"): Watch me... DUCHESS: The Queen! Of course I know the Queen! The Queen and I are BFF's!
We are inseparable! We are constantly together except for the
ALICE: Why are you talking like that? moment because she's not here. But if she were here, she'd be here and if I
CHESHIRE CAT (effecting a "fading voice"): Because it's effective and it's cool... were there, I'd be there and we'd be BFF's. So there. (Beat) In fact I am
playing croquet with her this very day. Jealous?
The FOOTMAN springs back to life continuing their cross then
stops and then "knocks" on an imaginary door, making the ALICE: May I go? I do so need to speak with the Queen.
sounds of the "knocks" with their own foot stamping the DUCHESS: Hmmmm ... I don't know. Can you play croquet?
stage floor. After a moment the COOK enters disheveled,
ALICE: I have played croquet, on occasion. But, I'm not very good. I have
covered in flour and carrying a large cooking pot which they
difficulty with the execution.
are constantly stirring.
COOK (to the Footman); What do you want? DUCHESS: And speaking of execution, have you met the Queen's Executioner?
He's a hunk!
The FOOTMAN presents the oversized envelope to the COOK. ALICE: Why does the Queen need an Executioner?
18 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 19

DUCHESS: To execute things. like dance moves, and the sort. (Beat) I must get SCENE 6
ready to play croquet with the Queen.
ALL THE KING'S MEN
ALICE: May I go?
And as the music swells and the lights change, ALICE begins
DUCHESS: If you have any sense, you'll keep out of her way.
to wander the stage... again, continuing her journey. When
The DUCHESS, followed by the COOK, exits. The CHESHIRE the lights rise again, we find the FLOWERS and HUMPTY
CAT once again appears. DUMPTY, who sits above the FLOWERS. As the lights rise the
CHESHIRE CAT (sporting his "fading" voice): I'm back. I forgot my cat nip. Flowers are in the middle of a gale of laughter.
VIOLET: So, tell me, Rose- how was your date last night?
ALICE: Hey, you. I am going to the croquet game.
ROSE: It was swell, thanks!
CHESHIRE CAT: I suppose it's no use telling you not to...?
AMARYLLIS: Who was the guy?
ALICE: That's right. I need help from the Queen. (Beat) Well, time's a-wastin'
and I'm not gettin' any younger, as I'm a day older. Better get started. ROSE: Basil.
ALICE starts off in one direction, then stops. She starts off in AMARYLLIS: Basil?!? I thought you were goin' out with Oregano?
another direction, then stops. She turns to the CHESHIRE ROSE: Nah. I called it off. He got too fresh. Then he wouldn't quit callin'. He
CAT. was nothin' but a thorn in my side.
ALICE: Which way? LILY: I hear ya, sister!
CHESHIRE CAT: It doesn't matter. DAISY: So where'd this Basil take ya?
ALICE: Y'know, you are absolutely no help. ROSE: We went to that new night club, "The Garden." We sat in the first row.
CHESHIRE CAT (reverting to the "fading voice" once again): But I'm cute! Don't VIOLET: Y'know, I went out with Basil's brother, Dill, once. He was very sour. We
forget that I'm cute! didn't get along at all.
ALICE: The jury is still out on that one! You're leaving again, aren't you? LILY: I hear ya, sister!
CHESHIRE CAT (in a "fading voice"): Yes. How did you know? ROSE: Y'know, that big strapping tree in the One Hundred Acre Wood asked me
ALICE: I could hear it in your voice. Literally. Ciao! out!
CHESHIRE CAT (in a "fading voice"): Arrivederci! DAISY: Who?

ALICE studies her options for a moment unable to decide ROSE: Fir something. Douglas Fir, that's it.
which way to go. VIOLET: So. you gonna go?
ALICE (to herself): Y'know, if I had my smart phone with me, I could totally GPS ROSE: I might. It just might be time for me to go out on a limb.
this. POPPY: I went out with that Douglas Fir once. His bark is much worse than his
bite. He has severe commitment issues. He's terrified of putting down roots!
LILY: I hear ya, sister!
ROSE: Regardless, I think he's cute.
AMARYLLIS: Gee, you're so lucky, Rose. Y'get to go out with all kinds of dates.
ROSE: Whatd'ya talk, Amaryllis? Just last week you went out with that cute
Weepin' Willow. Whatever happened to him?
AMARYLLIS: He was such a cry baby. I couldn't stand 'im.
LILY: I hear ya, sister!
AMARYLLIS: What happened to your fella, Daisy?
DAISY: Y'know, I was datin' that Bonsai, but he was too short.
20 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 21

ALICE walks up. The lights rise on HUMPTY DUMPTY.

ALICE (to the Flowers): Excuse me. HUMPTY (sleepily); Wha...?
DAISY: Well, what do we have here? ALL OF THE FLOWERS: WAKE UP!
VIOLET: You're an odd lookin' flower. HUMPTY: I'm awake. I'm awake. I wasn't asleep. Just resting my eyes.
AMARYLLIS: Funniest lookin' petals I've ever seen. VIOLET: This funny lookin' flower here needs some help.
LILY: I hear ya, sister! ALICE: Oh, I'm not a flower. I'm a girl.
POPPY: And let's not even discuss those split ends. Right, Lily? (Beast) Lily? VIOLET (to Alice): Sorry. (To Humpty) This funny lookin' girl needs some help.
LILY: Oh. Sorry, I didn't hear ya. (To Alice) So, what's going' on, sugar? HUMPTY (to Alice): Hello ... how may I be of service?
ROSE: What's shakin', honey? ALICE says nothing.
ALICE: Nothing is shaking at the moment. Although on occasion I do shake my Why are you staring at me? Yes, I know I have a wait problem.
head. ALICE: Oh... no, sir. It's not because you're large.
AMARYLLIS: It's a term of expression, honey. Like "don't lose your head."
HUMPTY: I prefer "big boned." And I didn't say "weight" problem. I said "wait"
DAISY: Yeah, you aren't really gonna lose your head. Unless you meet the problem.
Queen. ALICE: You're an egg.
LILY: You hear that, sister? DAISY: He's a very sensitive egg.
ALICE: Everyone keeps saying that. AMARYLLIS: Cracks easily.
ROSE: So, what can we do for ya, sweetie? ROSE: He's just a shell of a man.
ALICE: I was wondering if you could help me...? HUMPTY (to the Flowers): You girls crack me up! (To Alice) I sit here on this wall
VIOLET: That depends upon the kind of help you need. watching.
ROSE: Like if you want us to drive you somewhere, then we can't help you ALICE: For?
'cause we don't have a car. HUMPTY: Poachers. And for something to happen.
AMARYLLIS: Or a driver's license. ALICE: What?
DAISY: Or feet. HUMPTY: I don't know. I have to wait and find out. And when it does happen
ROSE: Or arms. the King has promised to send all of his horses and all of his men. I'm so on
LILY: Or gas. edge. But I keep looking on the sunny side.

POPPY: I'd like to help, but I really don't want to. ALICE: I need help finding the Queen of Hearts. Y'see, today is my birthday
and ...
ALICE: I was actually wondering if you could point me in the direction of the
HUMPTY: Today is my un-birthday!
Queen of Hearts...?
DAISY: Oh, honey, you don't want to meet her. She'll pluck your petals! VIOLET: Mine, too!

ALICE: Oh, but I do. Everyone says I don't, but I do. I need her help to get home AMARYLLIS: And mine!
in time for my birthday party and if you don't help me I'll pick you. It's that DAISY: Same here.
simple. ROSE: Ditto.
The FLOWERS consider this for a moment. POPPY: Don't forget me!
ROSE: Since you put it that way, let's see what we can do. (Shouting above her, LILY: I hear ya, sister!
HEY!
ALICE: An un-birthday? What in the blue blazes jimmy crack corn is an un-
There is no reaction from above. birthday?
HEYi HUMPTY! WAKE UP! HUMPTY: It's a day that isn't your birthday. So I get an un-birthday present.
ua an ~

ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 23
22

VIOLET: So do I! SCENE 7
AMARYLLIS: Me, too! TEA PARTY
DAISY: Same here! Music rises as the lights change and the FLOWERS and
ROSE: Ditto! HUMPTY exit. Suddenly the MAD HATTER rushes on, throws
down a table and rushes off. ALICE is taken aback. After a
POPPY: Don't forget about me! moment of stillness the MARCH HARE and the DORMOUSE
LILY: I'm hungry. rush on with two chairs each and place them around the
ALICE: An un-birthday present? That's dumb. table and rush off. ALICE is alone, once again, and perplexed
Then suddenly the MAD HATTER, MARCH HARE and the
HUMPTY: Question. How many days are there in a year?
DORMOUSE rush on with tea things- a kettle, cups, saucers,
ALICE: 365. etc., which they throw on the table then rush to their chairs
HUMPTY: And how many birthdays have you? and sit perfectly still like statues.
MAD HATTER: One lump or two?
ALICE: One.
HUMPTY: And if you take away one from three hundred sixty-five... what MARCH HARE: Three!
remains? MAD HATTER: You can't have three.
ALICE: Three hundred sixty-four. MARCH HARE: Why not?
HUMPTY: That shows there are three hundred and sixty-four days when you MAD HATTER: Because I only offered two. One lump or two?
might get un-birthday presents. ALICE: Excuse me.
ALL OF THE FLOWERS (to Humpty): Happy un-birthday! MAD HATTER (to Alice): No room! No room!
HUMPTY (to the Flowers): Awww. How sweet. Same to you. ALICE: There's plenty of room.
There is silence. MARCH HARE: Have some chocolate?
(To Alice) ALICE (sitting at the table): I don't see any chocolate.
So. Are you planning on staying here for the rest of your life? MARCH HARE: There isn't any!
ALICE: Uh. No. I was hoping you'd point me in the direction of the Queen. ALICE: Then it wasn't very polite of you to offer.
HUMPTY: If I do, you'll be sorry. MAD HATTER: It wasn't very polite of you to sit when you weren't invited.
HUMPTY points in a direction... ALICE: I didn't know it was your party!
It's that way. MAD HATTER: You need a haircut! Or perhaps a side pony tail.
ALICE: Thank you. ALICE: You shouldn't make personal remarks. It's rude!
ALICE starts to leave. MAD HATTER: Look who's talking about being rude, Miss Uninvited! Why is a
DAISY: Be careful, honey. chicken like a pencil?

VIOLET: Don't take any wooden nickels! ALICE: A riddle? I hate riddles.

AMARYLLIS: Keep your feet on the ground ... MAD HATTER: My party. My rules. Why is a clock like a bottle of milk?

ROSE: Your nose to the grindstone! ALICE: What happened to the pencil and the chicken?

POPPY: Your eye on the prize, and above all. .. MAD HATTER: The chicken left. Pay attention! The Dormouse is asleep again.

FLOWERS & HUMPTY: WATCH YOUR HEAD!

MARCH HARE (to the Dormouse): WAKE UP!

LILY (to Alice): Buy me something pretty! DORMOUSE (sleepily): I did my best. I did. I was this close... this close!
ALICE: What is he/she talking about?
MAD HATTER: Have you guessed the riddle yet?
=
24 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
~

25

ALICE: I give up. What's the answer? MAD HATTER: ALL MOVE ONE PLACE OVER!
MAD HATTER: Don't know. They all move one place over. The MAD HATTER punches the
MARCH HARE: Me neither. DORMOUSE.

DORMOUSE (sleepily): ...this close... Dormouse! Tell us a story.

MAD HATTER (to Alice): Thought you might. DORMOUSE: "In a galaxy far, far away ••

ALICE: And I'd think you'd find something better to do with your time than MARCH HARE: Not that one!
wasting it asking riddles you don't know the answer to. DORMOUSE: "Once there were four children whose names were Peter, Susan,
MAD HATIER: If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk about wasting Edmund and Lucy ... "
it. It's him. MAD HATTER: Heard it!
MARCH HARE (to Alice): You've probably never even spoken to Time. ALICE: Oh! I like that one!
ALICE: I know how to beat time in music. MAD HATTER (to Alice): No one asked your opinion!
MAD HATTER: Time would never stand for a beating. We quarried, you know. DORMOUSE: "This is the saddest story I have ever heard..."
Time and I. I was at a concert given by the Queen of Hearts ...
MAD HATTER: Yes! Yes! That one!
ALICE: Oh! You know where she lives? Will you take me there?
MARCH HARE: Do tell! Do tell!
MAD HATTER: I'm not that mad! I was at a concert and I had to sing. Perhaps
MAD HATTER: ALL MOVE ONE PLACE OVER!
you know my song ... ?
Everyone moves one place over.
(Singing)
TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE BAT! ALICE (as she is moving): Not again...
HOW I WONDER WHERE YOU'RE AT! MARCH HARE (to the Dormouse): Continue, kind sir...
ALICE: That's not how it goes. DORMOUSE: This is the saddest story I have ever heard. And it is about... me.
MAD HATTER: UP ABOVE THE WORLD YOU FLY, ALICE: Oh. Poor little Dormouse!
LIKE A TEA-TRAY IN THE SKY. MAD HATTER (to Alice): It's rude to interrupt.
TWINKLE, TWINKLE ... ALICE: I'm sorry, but I ...
(Speaking) MAD HATTER (to Dormouse): Proceed.
So what do you think? ALICE: But you just interrupted me!
ALICE: You are so ready for American Idol. MARCH HARE (to Alice): RUDENESS!
DORMOUSE (singing sleepily): TWINKLE, TWINKLE...
MAD HATTER (to Dormouse): And then what happened next?
MAD HATTER: I hardly finished the first verse when the Queen shrieked, "He's
DORMOUSE: I was good, I tell you. The best! I had it in the bag, I tell you. In the
murdering the time!" And ever since then he won't do a thing I ask. It's bag! I was on my way! I was going to be rich!
always tea time now.
MAD HATTER & MARCH HARE: RICH!
DORMOUSE (sleepily): Before that it was "Peanut Butter Jelly Time"...
DORMOUSE: And famous!
ALICE: ls that why there are so many tea things out?
MAD HATTER & MARCH HARE: FAMOUS!
MAD HATTER: We've not time to wash the dishes.
DORMOUSE: Then HE had to show up!
MARCH HARE: We just keep moving around.
ALICE: Who is he?
MAD HATTER: As things get used up.
DORMOUSE: I just told you. HE!
ALICE: What happens when you come to the beginning again?
MAD HATTER & DORMOUSE (to Alice): Sssssshhhhhhhhh!
MARCH HARE: More tea?
ALICE: I haven't had any, so how can I take more?
 3»_
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26 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 27

DORMOUSE: Everyone loved me! The director! The producer! EVERYONE! QUEEN: I don't like your face. Come to the croquet ground. That's an order!
"You're the one that we want!" they said. "Oooo, 00000, 0000, honey!" Then, KING (to Alice): You do know how to play, don't you?
at that very moment, he walked in!
ALICE: A little.
ALICE: WHO?!?
KING: Perfect!
DORMOUSE: I was gonna be a star! Limosines, parties and premieres! But no.
It was not meant to be. Afterall, who wants a Dormouse when you can have QUEEN: Let the croquet game begin and afterwards we shall all eat my very,
Mickey Mouse? very, very, very. Very, very, very favorite post-croquet snack... cherry tarts!
They're my favorite!
The DORMOUSE begins to cry.
MADGE/MOOSE: Oh. Gotta run.
MAD HATTER (comforting): There, there, Dormouse. There, there. So what if
you missed your one shot at fame, fortune and immortality? MADGE/MOOSE quickly exits.

MARCH HARE: What has Mickey Mouse got that you haven't got besides fame, QUEEN: Where are they going? OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! Everyone follow me to
fortune and a career? the croquet ground!

MAD HATTER: I never understood why Mickey Mouse- a mouse, had a dog for Everyone begins to march out.
a pet. That simply seems wrong to me! EVERYONE MOVE DOWN ONE! KING (to the Queen): My dear little poopsie schnookie lumps. I do believe the
As they are moving... soldiers are out of step.

ALICE (wearily): Not again... QUEEN: OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

Two CLUB SOLDIERS enter. Everyone except ALICE and the CHESHIRE CAT march off.

SOLDIERS: THE QUEEN APPROACHETH! ALICE: She's awfully fond of chopping off people's heads, isn't she? It's a
wonder there's anyone left to play croquet.
MAD HATTER (to Alice): Hide before she sees you!
CHESHIRE CAT: Can you play croquet?
ALICE: But I want to meet her!
ALICE: I stink at it. The worst. I can play a mean Mario Brothers, though.
MAD HATTER: What are you... mad?
CHESHIER CAT: It's good you stink at croquet because the Queen will want to
QUEEN (from offstage): Off with their heads! win.
ALICE: Okay, suddenly all of those warnings are starting to make sense to me.
ALICE: And I want to get home in time for my birthday party and my presents,
The CHESHIRE CAT suddenly appears. which, after everything I've been through today, better be a cat. Wait- the
Queen didn't answer my question. I gotta run. I'll see you later. Maybe.
CHESHIRE CAT: I warned you ...
ALICE (to Cheshire Cat): Where have you been? ALICE looks around and notices the CHESHIRE CAT has, once
again, disappeared.
CHESHIRE CAT: Oh, just cattin' around.
Where'd you...? Gone, again. That cat totally freaks me out.
ALICE: About time you showed up! The Queen is coming and I can finally find
out how to get home!
The QUEEN enters followed by the KING, MADGE/MOOSE,
who carries a tray, and the DUCHESS. EVERYONE fearfully
bows low to the Queen and King. ALICE carefully executes a
curtsey.
I hate executing a curtsey on an empty stomach.
The QUEEN notices ALICE.
QUEEN: How did you get here?
ALICE: Honestly, I haven't the foggiest idea. Please, your majesty, can you help
me get home?
aaaa
28
I

ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

-
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ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
~

29
"

SCENE 8 The WHITE RABBIT passes by ALICE, not noticing her.

Throughout the following, MADGE/MOOSE is eating the tarts
PLAY CROQUET on the tray.
ALICE exits as the music rises and the lights dim. During the ALICE (to White Rabbit): Oh. Hello, again.
dim out and music, the scene changes to the croquet
grounds. As the lights rise we find the GARDNERS, the FIVE, WHITE RABBIT: Why yes. It is a lovely day.
TWO, and SEVEN of Spades, or any other suit and any other ALICE: Uh. Okay. Listen- I need for you to put in a good word for me with the
numerical card. They are painting the flowers red. Queen.
TWO: Watch it, Five! You're splashing paint all over me! WHITE RABBIT (confused): Uh. Do I know you?
FIVE: Sorry. Seven hit my elbow. ALICE: Uh. Yeah. Don't you remember...?
SEVEN: Do you always have to blame others? WHITE RABBIT: 'Fraid not.
FIVE: I wouldn't talk if I were you! I overheard the Queen say you deserved to ALICE: I'm from "up there"...
be beheaded! WHITE RABBIT: Not ringing a bell.
TWO: What for? ALICE: I chased you.
SEVEN: None of your business, Mister Nosey Noserton, Mayor of Nosey Town! WHITE RABBIT: I got nothin'.
FIVE: For talking to the Chershire Cat. The Queen doesn't like the way he grins ALICE: Tripped and fell down your rabbit hole... and...
at her. He has a gray tooth. (To Seven) You better play your cards right,
because if not, you'll get axed! WHITE RABBIT (suddenly remembering): Oh... my stalker! That's right! So, how
ya been?
SEVEN: That's stupid. I'm too pretty to be beheaded. I should be beknighted
QUEEN (to Alice): Where's the Duchess?
instead!
FIVE: You better be quiet and befinish your bework! ALICE: Oh. She's right behind you. Your. Majesty.
DUCHESS (to the Queen): Cheerio!
ALICE walks up.
QUEEN: OFF WITH HER... (She stops herself noticing the Gardners) Who are
ALICE: Why are you painting those roses?
these?
TWO: Because this ought to have been a red rose tree, but we put in a white
ALICE: Dunno.
one by mistake.
QUEEN (to the Gardners): GET UP!
FIVE: And if the Queen finds out. heads will roll! Literally. Heads are round so
they roll. Did you know that? The GARDNERS jump up and begin bowing to everyone.
ALICE: Please tell me these flowers don't talk. (To the Gardners)
TWO: Nope. Too young. What are you doing here?
ALICE: Thank goodness cause earlier I ran into some talking flowers and I TWO: May it please your majesty, we were trying to...
thought they would never shut up! They were like "blah, blah, blah"... QUEEN: I asked for red roses! RED ROSES! And because these aren't red, I'm
boyfriends this and boyfriend that and "honey" and "sweetie" and "where'd ya seeing red!
go?" and "yadda, yadda, yadda," and...
SEVEN (to the other Cards): Ah. Well. Problem solved.
The SOUDERS enter.
QUEEN (turning to the Soldiers): OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!
SOLDIERS: She approaches-eth!
KING: My little love muffin of joy and contentment, careful not to lose your
THE GARDNERS: The Queen approaches-eth! temper. You'll get indigestion and won't be able to enjoy your tarts.
The CARDS throw themselves flat on the ground. The QUEEN, QUEEN: Tarts! Oh, I do love me some tarts!
KING, DUCHESS, WHITE RABBIT and MADGE/MOOSE, who
KING: Yes, I know you do my precious coral blossom of beauty.
carries a tray, enter.
a u uesau
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30 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 31

QUEEN: I mean I love 'em. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yummy-yum! (To KING: But my ever lovely and captivating pickapoo bundle of joy juice, we neec
everyone) BATTER UP, BOYS! PLAY BALLI him for the game.
The CARDS and one SOLDIER assume various positions on QUEEN: Oh. Right. Pity. Remind me to have it done later.
the stage and bend over forward and/or backward, thus
The SOLDIER makes his arch again and the game continues
forming croquet wickets. The other Soldier exits offstage and
in wild confusion. Some players dance around waving their
quickly reenters carrying a balloon. balloons and sweeping with their brooms, others
ALICE (eyeing the balloon): You call that a croquet ball? approaching the same arch from the opposite direction. The
QUEEN (threateningly): Certainly! What would you call it? QUEEN backs into the DUCHESS.
DUCHESS: Excuse me, your majesty.
ALICE: A... croquet... ball. ..
QUEEN (to the White Rabbit): Fetch the mallets! QUEEN: OFF WITH HER HEAD!
WHITE RABBIT: Oh, dear.
The WHITE RABBIT quickly exits.
ALICE: Excuse me, your majesty, but.. The WHITE RABBIT exits.

QUEEN: Why should I excuse you? Did you burp? DUCHESS: What? Again?

ALICE: No, your majesty. You see, I have a special favor to ask of you. I really The DUCHESS exits quickly. Everyone resumes the game.
need to get home before five o'clock and it's half past four now, sO... ALICE notices MADGE/MOOSE who is eating the last tart off
the tray.
The WHITE RABBIT reenters carrying a broom for each player.
ALICE (to Madge/Moose): What are you eating?
WHITE RABBIT: Your mallets, your majesty.
MADGE/MOOSE (with a full mouth): Nothin'. I wasn't eating anything.
ALICE (noticing the brooms): Those aren't mallets! Those are...
MADGE/MOOSE burps and quickly exits.
QUEEN: WHAT?
QUEEN (to Alice): SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE so I CAN HIT MY BALL!
ALICE (meekly): Mallets ...
As the QUEEN bends over to hit her ball, the CHESHIRE CAT
QUEEN: You're not quite as stupid as you look.
appears once again.
KING (to the Queen): My little sweet nectar of poopsie doodley pop, I think
CHESHIRE CAT: Meow.
she's a rather nice child.
ALICE (to the Cheshire Cat): What are you doing here?
QUEEN (to the King): When did you start to think?
CHESHIRE CAT: How are you getting on?
KING: I think she's a rather stupid looking child.
ALICE: I'm not getting any help from the Queen. She's too busy with her stupid
QUEEN: PLAY! game.
The QUEEN crosses to the first arch, places her balloon down
The KING pauses his game.
and hits it through.
KING (to Alice): Who is that you're talking to?
I win!
The QUEEN pauses her game.
ALICE: But the game's just started.
QUEEN (to Alice): And who told you you could talk?
QUEEN: Then get on with it!
ALICE: Uh. This is a friend of mine. When he's not disappearing.
The PLAYERS hit their balloons in any direction, not waiting
for their turn. ALICE hits hers through an arch. Just as the QUEEN (to the Cheshire Cat as she extends her hand): You may kiss my hand.
QUEEN is about to hit hers through, the SOLDIER, who is CHESHIRE CAT: I'd rather not. Liverspots. Ew.
acting as a wicket, stands up and scratches his back.
QUEEN (enraged): OFF WITH HIS/HER HEAD!
SOLDIER: My back itches. Sorry.
ALICE: Gonna be kinda hard to cut off a head without a body being attached to
QUEEN: OFF WITH HIS/HER HEAD! it, don't you think?
 al

32 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 33

KING: Don't be inpertinent. SCENE 9

ALICE: If I knew what that word meant, I'm relatively certain I wouldn't be. THE DUCHESS
The WHITE RABBIT rushes in. There is a dramatic sting of music. ALICE jumps up and starts
WHITE RABBIT: Your majesty! Something terrible has happened! to run off as the CHESHIRE CAT exits. The DUCHESS enters
and collides with Alice.
QUEEN: OFF WITH HIS/HER ...
DUCHESS: Why are you in such a hurry?
WHITE RABBIT: Someone has stolen your tarts!
ALICE: I must get away from the Queen. She thinks I stole her tarts!
QUEEN: The tarts I just ordered?
DUCHESS: Then you'd better hide! The Queen is in a very bad mood.
KING: Her cherry tarts?
ALICE: Yeah. I heard when she said to you ... "OFF WITH HER HEAD!"
During the following outburst, ALICE hides.
DUCHESS: Oh. That. She says that every ten seconds.
QUEEN: No. NO ... NO! NO! NO! NO! NOT MY TARTS! MY LOVELY, PRECIOUS
TARTS! My... sweet... tarts ... That girl did it! I know it! (The Queen looks ALICE: Really?
around) Where is she? Where did she disappear to? AFTER HER! DUCHESS: Oh, yeah.
Everyone scurries offstage in pandemonium because THE ALICE: So it's just an idle threat? She doesn't really cut off people's heads...?
TARTS ARE MISSING! After a moment, ALICE crawls out of
DUCHESS: No. She does. Boy howdy does she ever. She cuts off those heads
her hiding place. like she's eating a bag of M&M's! One after the other. Man!
ALICE (to the Cheshire Cat): She thinks I stole them!
The WHITE RABBIT quickly enters followed by the SOLDIERS.
CHESHIRE CAT: Somebody's head is gonna roll of this!
WHITE RABBIT: The trial's beginning!
ALICE: Yeah! Mine! ALICE: Trial? What trial?
SOLDIER #1: Your trial!
SOLDIER #2: For stealing the Queen's tarts!
ALICE: But I didn't... (To the Duchess) Help me!
DUCHESS: I'd bake you a cherry tart with a file in it. but at this point it seems
pointless and not a little bit ironic. And I don't bake.
SOLDIER #1: Come along, miss!
SOLDIER #2: We can't keep the Queen waiting!
As the SOLDIERS attempt to grab ALICE, who is a bit too
quick for them...
ALICE: No! No, no, no, no, no! I didn't do it. (As she runs out) Where's that
stupid cat?
The SOLDIERS follow her in pursuit.
DUCHESS (calling after Alice): Toodles. (Beat) Sweet kid. (As she exits) Glad it's
not me.
 cz=

34 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 35

ALICE: I didn't! Oh, and now it's almost five o'clock and my party is starting and
SCENE 10 I'm not home! How can I get home again?
THE TRIAL
QUEEN: You can't!
The DUCHESS exits as the lights fade to black and the music
ALICE: Never? Never ever?
rises. Perhaps the music is "The People's Court" theme?
During the blackout the FULL CAST assembles onstage. The QUEEN: I mean you can't get information from me!
QUEEN and KING are center, presiding over the trial. The KING: We want information from you!
WHITE RABBIT addresses the audience.
ALICE: You won't tell me?
WHITE RABBIT: The case of the missing tarts! The plaintiff, our lovely and
QUEEN: That's right!
benevolent Queen. The defendant, a thieving little girl who pretends to be
ginger and spice and everything nice-- but is she? Let's tune in! KING: Sit down. It's time for the trail to begin.
QUEEN: Where is she? WHERE IS THAT LITTLE THIEF? ALICE (meekly): Yes, your majesty.

The DUCHESS runs in. KING: White Rabbit! Read the accusation!
DUCHESS: She ran away, your majesty! WHITE RABBIT (unrolling a large parchment): The Queen of Hearts,
she had some tarts,
QUEEN: Where did she run to?
KING: Perhaps she's running in circles, my darling little chickadee of amore. All on a summer day;

ALICE runs in. She quickly realizes where she is. But Alice came and stole those tarts.
And took them quite away!
ALICE: I definitely took a wrong turn.
QUEEN: Here she is! Look! LOOK AT THE GUILTY LOOK ON HER FACE! LOOK! KING: Jury, consider your verdict!
WHITE RABBIT: Nol Not yet! There's a great deal to come before that!
KING (to Alice): How do you plead?
KING: Call the first witness!
ALICE: Innocent!
QUEEN: She ate all of my beautiful tarts! WHITE RABBIT (making a trumpet from his fists and blowing a fanfare): The
Mad Hatter!
ALICE: I didn't! I just want to go home!
The MAD HATTER rises with a cup in one hand and a piece of
QUEEN: Be quiet and be seated, prisoner! bread in the other. He goes to stand before the KING and
KING: You'll have a fair trial. QUEEN.
QUEEN: And then you'll be found quilty! MAD HATTER: Please forgive me for bringing these in, but I hadn't quite
ALICE: That isn't fair! finished my tea when I was rather rudely requested to attend these
proceedings.
MADGE/MOOSE: Uh. I don't have a problem with it. Okay by me.
QUEEN: Did you see Alice steal my tarts?
ALICE (to Madge/Moose): There's cherry juice on your face!
MAD HATTER: I don't know, really. It all depends upon what you define as
MADGE/MOOSE (wiping her face clean): It's ketchup from hot dogs. "seeing."
The JURY, which is the remainder of the cast, furiously write QUEEN: Did you see Alice with your pupils?
in their notebooks and pads.
MAD HATTER: I don't have any pupils.
ALICE: What are they writing? The trial hasn't even begun!
QUEEN: Don't have any pupils? How can one with eyes NOT have any pupils.
MADGE/MOOSE: Probably their all natural and organic grocery lists.
MAD HATTER: I don't teach. No, I didn't see Alice steal the tarts as I was much
CATERPILLAR: I don't think she looks guilty. too busy listening to the Dormouse tell his story. Which we call Sominex,
DOOR: You're right. She looks very guilty. because it puts you right to sleep!

KING: Silence in the court! DORMOUSE: It's the saddest story ever told. I was this close, I tell you. This
close!
QUEEN (to Alice): Why did you steal my tarts?
 ~

36 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 37

KING: Give your evidence and don't be nervous or the Queen will have you KING: Explain why you stole the Queen's tarts.
executed on the spot! ALICE: I never even saw them.
MAD HATTER: Well, then. No pressure. Given that ... Please, your highness. I KING: Ah ... yes... that's very important.
am a poor man, and the Dormouse said...
WHITE RABBIT: Unimportant, your majesty means ...
QUEEN: What did the Dormouse say?
KING: Unimportant, of course I meant. (To Alice) Did the tarts taste good?
DORMOUSE: It's the saddest story ever told...
ALICE: I don't know because I didn't eat any.
QUEEN: Was it something about my tarts?
MADGE/MOOSE: They weren't sweet enough! Needed more sugar!
MAD HATTER: I'm a poor man, your majesty ...
KING (to the Jury): Consider your verdict!
ING: You're a very poor speaker!
WHITE RABBIT: More evidence, your majesty! I just picked up this piece of
The JURY applauds. paper.
QUEEN: SILENCE IN THE COURT! QUEEN: What's in it?
KING (to the Mad Hatter): If that's all you know, you may step down. WHITE RABBIT: I haven't unfolded it yet.
MAD HATTER: I can't go any lower. I'm on the floor as it is! QUEEN: It must be a letter written by the prisoner to somebody!
KING: You may sit down, then. KING: Who is it addressed to?
MAD HATTER: I'd rather finish my tea. WHITE RABBIT: There isn't any name. (Unfolds paper) In fact, there's nothing
on it at all.
KING: Then you may go.
The MAD HATTER exits quickly. ALICE: I didn't write anything to anybody!

QUEEN (to no one in particular): Just take their head off outside. QUEEN: A likely story.
ALICE: It's true!
KING: Call the next witness.
WHITE RABBIT (once again with the fanfare): The Cook! KING: If you didn't sign in, that only makes the matter worse. You must have
been up to some kind of trouble, or you would have signed your name!
The COOK throws a pan across the stage as she crosses to
the KING and QUEEN. The JURORS class in the KING bows to the applause.
QUEEN: The proves her guilt! SO, off with her...
KING: Give your evidence.
ALICE: It proves nothing of the sort! If there's nothing written on the paper,
COOK: No!
then there's no meaning to it. Like politicians!
WHITE RABBIT: Your majesty must cross-examine this witness
KING: Well, that fits.
KING: Why?
QUEEN: What fits?
WHITE RABBIT: Because she's cross.
KING (to the Queen): Have you ever had fits, my dear?
KING: I see. (To Cook) Cook! What are tarts made of?
QUEEN (throwing a fit): NEVER!
COOK: Pepper, mostly.
KING: Let the jury consider their verdict.
KING: Your testimony has been a great help.
QUEEN: No! Sentence first- verdict after!
The COOK exits.
ALICE: That's not right!
Next witness! QUEEN: Hold your tongue.
WHITE RABBIT (once again with the fanfare): ALICE!
ALICE: I won't! This is the most ridiculous trial I ever head of! And I watch
ALICE: Moi? "Judge Judy" daily!
ALICE rises and crosses to stand before the KING and QUEEN: SOMEBODY STOLE MY TARTS!
QUEEN. MADGE: Wasn't moi!
ae a ea2a

38 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 35

KING: Therefore Alice is guilty! SCENE 11

ALICE: I'm not! HOME AGAIN
QUEEN: Soldiers! Secure the prisoner! ALICE: Wow. I got me some big old lungs.
The SOLDIERS come forward to ALICE. The CHESHIRE CAT suddenly appears.
OFF WITH HER HEAD! OFF WITH HER HEAD! CHESHIRE CAT: Meow.
The FULL CAST joins in. ALICE: Where have you been?
FULL CAST: OFF WITH HER HEAD! OFF WITH HER HEAD! OFF WITH HER ... CHESHIRE CAT: Sorry. I had to do some Mickey Mouse catching.
ALICE: STOP! They point above.
Everyone freezes. ALICE stares at them in silence for a Up there.
moment. ALICE: You went "up there'?
You're not real. You're not real at all! You're nothing but an old, tired, stained
CHESHIRE CAT: Yeah. I did.
pack of playing cards and with one breath I can blow you all away!
ALICE: How did you like it?
And with that ALICE takes a deep breath and begins to blow
and blow and blow. As she does so, the CAST, screaming, is CHESHIRE CAT: Not bad, really. At least I don't have to worry about someone
"blown" offstage. Once they are gone, Alice is left alone threatening to cut off my head Every ten seconds. (Beat) Guess what?
onstage. ALICE: What?
CHESHIRE CAT: While I was "up there" I ran into your folks and guess what?
ALICE (irritated): What?l?
CHESHIRE CAT: They got you a cat for your birthday.
ALICE (excitedly): REALLY?
CHESHIRE CAT: Yeah. (Beat) Me.
Pause.
ALICE: Oh.
CHESHIRE CAT: How do you feel about that?
ALICE: Well, okay, I guess. (Beat) I was hoping for a Siamese.
CHESHIRE CAT: Sorry.
Pause.
ALICE: But, it's okay, I guess. (Beat) You mind if I call you Fluffy?
CHESHRIE CAT: Sure. I'm game.
ALICE: You like to have your belly tickled?
CHESHIRE CAT: My what?
ALICE: Your belly. Do you like to have your belly tickled? Yes or no. Not a hard
question.
CHESHIRE CAT: I dunno. I've never had my belly tickled before.
ALICE: Come here.
The CHESHIRE CAT slowly and cautiously crosses to ALICE.
40 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

CHESHIRE CAT: What?

ALICE lightly tickles their belly.
ALICE: "Tickle, tickle, tickle..."
7'.is s sits
The CHESHIRE CAT doesn't react. Pause.
CHESHIRE CAT: I don't like it. ABOUT STAGE RIGHTS
ALICE: Everything's negotiable. Based in Los Angeles and founded in 2000, Stage Rights is one of the foremost
CHESHIRE CAT: Come on. We've got a party to attend. independent theatrical publishers in the United States, providing stage
performance rights for a wide range of plays and musicals to theater companies,
They start to walk out. ALICE tickles CHESHIRE CAT as they schools, and other producing organizations across the country and
exit. internationally. As a licensing agent, Stage Rights is committed to providing each
ALICE: "Tickle, tickle, tickle..." producer the tools they need for financial and artistic success. Stage Rights is
dedicated to the future of live theatre, offering special programs that champion
CHESHIRE CAT: Stop that.
new theatrical works.
ALICE: "Tickle, tickle, tickle..."
CHESHIRE CAT (starting to laugh): Cut it out!
ALICE: Here comes the tickle monster! "Tickle, tickle, tickle •
To view all of our current plays and musicals, visit:
CHESHIRE CAT (thoroughly enjoying the tickling): Okay, okay... I like it. I LIKE IT www.stagerights.com
ALICE: I knew you would. That's a good Fluffy.
Music rises and the lights go to black.

THE END
.. an ~

ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 1

t«, SCENE 1

..~,
A PORTRAIT

a6'As.
~~
In the dark we hear heavy metal music. Perhaps a snippet of
"White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane. As the lights rise we finc
EDITH LIDELL, Alice's sister, standing behind an easel. Sitting
f before her on a stool and fidgeting is her model, ALICE
LIDDELL, her younger sister.
EDITH (as she is painting and as Alice is fidgeting): Alice! Be Still! Please! I'm
CAST OF CHARACTERS weary of telling you!
Roles which may be played by either gender are in italics. ALICE: I can't help it. I'm bored and I'm excited. How can you be both things at
the same time? I don't know, but there it is is. So sue me. (Pause) Why are
• Alice we having to do this outside?
• Edith
EDITH: Because mom wants a portrait of you in the garden.
• White Rabbit
• Door ALICE: I don't like being outside. It goes again my nature. There are bugs.
• Cheshire Cat ALICE starts to fidget again.
• Caterpillar EDITH: BE STILL!
• Madge or Moose (depending upon gender cast)
ALICE: But I'm BORED!
• Footman
• Cook EDITH: The more you move around, the longer this will take! Please! Mom
• Duchess wants me to finish this for your birthday.
• Humpty Dumpty ALICE sits still. EDITH continues to paint...
• Flowers
o Lily
ALICE: The paint fumes stink. They make me dizzy. Lightheaded. Sleepy. (Beat)
So what did they get me?
o Violet
o Rose EDITH: Who?
o Daisy ALICE: Mom and dad- for my birthday? What did they get me? Besides this
o Amaryllis stupid portrait.
• Mad Hatter EDITH: It's not stupid and I'm not telling.
• March Hare
• Dormouse ALICE: Please...?
• Club Soldier #1 EDITH: No.
• Club Soldier #2 ALICE: Will I like it?
• Queen of Hearts
EDITH: Yes. Sit still.
• King of Hearts
• Two Card ALICE: I hope it's a cat. Is it a cat?
• Five Card EDITH: I'm not telling.
• Seven Card ALICE: I like cats. Except the musical. Sarah Silman has a cat. She's in my
class. Sarah, that is. Not the cat. And when you tickle her belly, she smiles.
The cat, that is... not Sara Silman. I've never tickled Sarah Sil man's belly, but
l bet if I did, she'd smile. (Beat) Are you done yet?
EDITH (concentrating heavily): No. I need to finish the...
ALICE (as she jumps up and runs to the easel): You're finished? I wanna see...!
 lg

I 2 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ~

ALICE's sudden jump startles EDITH and she "swipes" the ALICE (defiantly): I don't care. (Beat) Please don't tell Mom! (Beat) EDITH!
canvas with her brush.
ALICE sits for a moment. She glances around then checks
EDITH: ALICE!?! Now you've ruined it! over her shoulder to see if EDITH is gone. Once she is
ALICE (studying the canvas, which is unseen by the audience): That doesn't assured she is alone, she jumps off her stool and begins to
look anything like me... wander around. She spies a sketch book which she picks up
EDITH: It's abstract.
and begins to flip through, passing judgment on each sketch.
Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Super boring. So boring it's boring.
ALICE: It's abnormal
EDITH: I'm not finished. She drops the sketch book. She continues to look around.
She spies a set of paint brushes which she picks up and
ALICE: My hands are too big. My feet are too small. Where's my head? studies. After a moment she gets an idea.
EDITH: You moved. Oh!
ALICE: Looks like it's been cut off. I don't think I look very pretty headless.
She then places the brushed in her mouth on either side so
Taking ALICE by the shoulders and leading her back to the they hang down resembling the tusks of a walrus.
stool: Look at me. I'm a walrus.
EDITH: If you do not sit down and be still, I am going to cut off your head for
She takes the brushes out of her mouth and spies EDITH'S
real! I'm going to run inside and get some thinner to repair the damage you smock, which she puts on.
made me do. Sit here. Do not move. Do not breathe. Do not speak. Do not
touch anything. Understand? (Pretending to be Edith waving brushes)

ALICE doesn't respond. "Look at me. I'm a famous artist. I know everything there is to know about
paint thinner, easels and... stuff. I can paint anything!
Understand?
ALICE laughs at herself, falling to the floor.
ALICE doesn't respond.
Wow. These paints stink.
ALICE!?!
She glances around once again.
ALICE (through her clenched teeth): You told me not to speak.
Man. I'm bored.
EDITH: You are impossible. And very frustrating.
ALICE then lies on her back and, taking the paint brushes,
ALICE: And cute. Don't forget cute. pretends to be painting the sky.
EDITH: They jury is still out on that one. (As she is painting)
ALICE: And a snappy dresser!
A little blue there. A splash of yellow here. A tinge of red in the corner there.
EDITH: I'll be back in a bit. DON'T MOVE YOU ART UNAPPRECIATIVE PEASANT! (She begins to get sleepy) A hint of burnt sienna along the edges. (Becoming
As EDITH takes off her smock. increasingly sleepy) An accent of robin's egg blue at the bottom..,
ALICE: Pheasant?!? Oh, that sounds yummy. Is that what we are having for ALICE drifts off to sleep as "White Rabbit" is reprised,
lunch? accompanied by a light change, fog, and the turn of a mirror
ball. Through the haze we see the rather disheveled WHITE
EDITH: NOT Pheasant! Peasant! RABBIT run onstage, flying right into the easel. With
ALICE: That, too! Who do you think you are? Huh? A Duchess? A ... a... something of a CRASH!, ALICE wakes a bit startled.
Countess?!? Stop running around here acting like you're some kinda queen WHITE RABBIT: Oh, shiver me whiskers and twirl my timbers! Oh, dear ... oh,
EDITH: Alice, be quiet! dear ... oh, dear! What a mess! What a stinkin' mess! What a stinkin', oogy-
googy mess! Oh, dear... oh, dear ... oh, dear!
ALICE sticks her tongue out at EDITH.
ALICE: Who are you?
(Calmly)
WHITE RABBIT: Who are you?
I'm telling.
ALICE: Who am I?

l
4 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 5

W H IT E RABBIT : Don't you know w ho you are?

SCENE 2
ALI CE: Yes. I do. But w ho are you?
DOWN THE HOLE
W H ITE RA BBIT: Of course, I... (Catching him self as they are falling into a w ord
trap... ) O h, stop that! ALICE loses her balance and "slides" down the hole, also
ending with a rough landing. Once the WHITE RABBIT sees
ALICE: I'm Alice. her coming down...
ALICE and the WHITE RABBIT stare at each other for a WHITE RABBIT (as they are scurrying off): I have got to get a lock for that
moment. thing... oh, dear... oh, dear ... oh, dear I'm late! Late, late, late, late, late!
WHITE RABBIT: I'm the White Rabbit.
As the WHITE RABBIT scurries off, the DOOR enters. ALICE
ALICE: Yeah. I gathered. A talking White Rabbit? sits in something of a heap at the base of the slide... or,
WHITE RABBIT: Apparently. (Beat) Well. Gotta run. whatever...

The WHITE RABBIT starts to scurry off.

ALICE: Okay. That was odd. (She looks around) I wonder where I'm... (She
suddenly realizes) Oh. Great. A hole. I'm in a hole. It's my birthday and I arr
ALICE: Wait! sitting in ... a... hole. (Beat) Yay me.
WHITE RABBIT: Oh. No. Can't. Sorry. Late. ALICE notices the DOOR.
The WHITE RABBIT starts to scurry off once again. ALICE Hello? What's this?
follows...
DOOR: "Knock. Knock."
ALICE: Where are you running off to? I want to talk. I've never had a
ALICE (confused): Uh ... who's there ... ?
conversation with a talking rabbit before!
DOOR: Orange
WHITE RABBIT: Can't stop at the moment to have tea, biscuits and a nice long
chat. Gotta run! ALICE: Orange?
ALICE: No... but wait... L... DOOR: No. You say "orange who?"..
WHITE RABBIT: Stop following me! Oh, the queen is going to have my head! ALICE: What?
ALICE: What queen? I just want to... DOOR: Not "orange what"... who. "Orange who."
WHITE RABBIT (to Alice): "Cease and desist! Cease and desist! 911! 911!" ALICE: Huh?

ALICE continues to chase after the WHITE RABBIT. DOOR: Not "huh"... "who!" Knock. Knock..."
ALICE: I just want to ask you a question ... or several... ALICE: I don't...

NOTE: They" is used as the WHITE RABBIT may be either DOOR: Say "Who's there!!"
gender. ALICE: Who's there.
WHITE RABBIT (flustered as they attempt to lose Alice): Oh, dear... oh, dear... DOOR: "Orange..."
oh, dear... what to do when being stalked? ALICE: Can you tell me ...
Beat. The WHITE RABBIT spies the "hole in the ground, DOOR: Say "Orange who?l?"
which is a slide, or something alike... or whatever the
ALICE: Orange who!
production team decides.
Oh! There you are! DOOR: Orange you glad you came a-knockin'?

They quickly slide down. ALICE, above, is confused as to The DOOR KNOB cracks up at their own joke.
where the WHITE RABBIT disappeared. I'm funny! Admit it... I am one funny door!
ALICE: Now where could that rabbit have... ALICE: I don't get it.
DOOR: It's a play on the word ... "Orange" ... (Beat) Get it?
ALICE: No.
E ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 7

DOOR: Wow. Really. ALICE (tiredly): "Who's there...?"

ALICE: I'm kinda lost. You see, I was running after this white rabbit, who, DOOR: Look behind you.
strange as it may seem, talks. Although not as strange as a talking door. And
ALICE: "Look behind you, who?"
I fell down this hole. And it's my birthday. And... I'm spilling my guts to a door.
DOOR: No. Look behind you.
DOOR: BOR-ING! Your story is boring. You should spice it up with hand
gestures and sequined leggings. (Beat) "Knock. Knock." ALICE: Oh! I thought you were telling me another knock-knock joke, and...
ALICE: Who's there ... ? DOOR: We've moved on. Look behind you.
DOOR: Now you're getting it. "Doris." ALICE does so.
ALICE: "Doris who?" DOOR: See that bottle?
DOOR: "Doris is locked. That's why I had you knock! ALICE: Yes.
The DOOR, once again, laughs long and hard at their own DOOR: Drink it.
joke. ALICE: I don't think my mother would like it if I drank something from a strange
ALICE: Can you help me? bottle. It might make me sick.
DOOR: That depends. DOOR: "Knock. Knock."
ALICE: Upon what? ALICE: "Who's there?"
DOOR: If I want to or not. Look behind you. Well, how about that, I just helped. DOOR: "Yo momma."
ALICE looks behind herself. ALICE: "Yo momma, who?"
Oops. Nice. My bad. Sorry. I meant above. Look above you. DOOR: "Yo momma called and said 'drink from the bottle."
ALICE looks above her. ALICE: Oh? Really? I didn't hear a phone ring.
On the ledge there. DOOR: It's on vibrate. Obey yo momma!

ALICE: What? ALICE: Alrighty, then.

DOOR: There should be a key there. See it? ALICE takes the bottle and drinks from it. "Funky music" rises
ALICE: No ... I. .. (She spies the key) Oh, there it is!
as ALICE begins to do a bit of a "hurkey-jerky" dance as the
contents of the bottle take their effect.
DOOR: Take it. Unlock me. I'd do it myself, but I don't have hands. Or arms. Or
What is happening to me?
legs. Or a torso. So, my options are rather limited. Once you are through the
door, find the Queen of Hearts and she will help you find your way home. DOOR: You, my dear, are officially shrinking! So now you can go through my
Maybe. door!

ALICE (excitedly): Golly gee ding dang wizzedly do doodley pops! I've never met Music cross fades to "game show" music as the DOOR
a Queen before! "grows."
DOOR: ... The key...? So come on down! You're the next contestant on "the size is right!" Step right
up!
ALICE grabs the key and runs to the door.
ALICE: Oh, yeah ... Once the DOOR is fully grown, ALICE "enters' and the Door
disappears.
ALICE drops to her knees and begins to try the door. She then
Good luck! Don't worry! Be happy! Don't let the door split ya, where...
realizes ...
ALICE (cutting the Door off): THANK YOU. (Beat) I think.
Hey. Wait a minute. What a cotton-pickin'-midnight-at-the-oasis-put-your-
camel-to-bed-cotton-pickin' minute. I can't fit through that! You're too small!
If I can't fit through, then how am I supposed to get home?
DOOR: Not my problem. "Knock. Knock."
8 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 9

SCENE 3 ALICE: Oh! I love cats!

A TALKING CAT CHESHIRE CAT: Of course you do!

ALICE: I'm hoping to get one for my birthday. That is, if I can ever find my way
As the music of "Don't Worry, Be Happy' rises, ALICE wanders
home.
through, mystified as to where she is.
CHESHIRE CAT: Lost, are you?
ALICE: Now that's stinkin' weird. On one side of the door I am in a hallway, and
on the other side I'm in the jungle. ALICE: Yep. That's about the size of it.
Above we notice a sliver of a moon. CHESHIRE CAT: Do you have talking cats where you come from? I'm just
wondering because you don't seem particularly bothered by the fact I'm a cat
(As she continues to explore)
who can talk. Cat. Talking. Hello? You don't think that's a little "off the
Good thing the moon is so bright so I can see. Hate to fall down another beam," so to speak?
hole. Boy. Talk about ironic.
ALICE: I just had a deep and beautiful conversation with a door. Not to mention
The moon changes into a smiling mouth. that babbling rabbit. Nothing surprises me. (Beat) So what do you do here in
Why that looks just like a ... this... where am I?
CHESHIRE CAT: Wonderland.
The mouth is actually the smile of the CHESHIRE CAT.
ALICE (simultaneously);: ... mouth ALICE: Ah. Yeah. That makes sense. I was wondering where I am. I'm
wandering around in wonder in Wonderland. Wonderful.
CHESHIRE CAT (simultaneously): Hello...'?
CHESHIRE CAT: You're not in a very pleasant mood. You're very ill-tempered.
ALICE: Which I can now safely assume that's precisely what it is as it just
greeted me. ALICE: It's my birthday. I should be home counting my presents. Instead I am in
a hole... talking to a cat.
CHESHIRE CAT: There once was a cat, who possessed a great smile,
CHESHIRE CAT: There once was a girl named Alice,
And he talked to a little girl for a while.
Who was filled with nothing but malice.
For a bit of fun,
The cat tried to make nice,
He made fun of her bum,
And then he tired twice
Which he did with finesse, grace and style.
But the girl was too mean and callous.
ALICE: That's not a very nice limerick.
ALICE: Okay. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm just hungry. I had a Kit Kat for breakfast
CHESHIRE CAT: But it's a funny limerick. and it's wearing off.
ALICE: Uh. Not really. The CHESHIRE CAT screams in fear.
CHESHIRE CAT: I think so. And that's all that matters. CHESHIRE CAT: Aaaaahhhhhhhhh! You cannibal! You savage!
ALICE: You're very contrary. ALICE: What?
CHESHIRE CAT: Perhaps a bit. You know who's really contrary? CHESHIRE CAT: You monster! Eating Kitty Kats for breakfast! And you said you
ALICE: I can safely say I do not. liked cats.
CHESHIRE CAT: Mary. Do you know her? ALICE: Give me a break! I do! I do! I love cats.
ALICE: Nope. Still don't know her. CHESHIRE CAT: I'll just bet you do- on a bed of rice pilaf with a side of sweet
potatoes!
CHESHIRE CAT: Mary Mary quite contrary. You should see how her garder
grows. CHESHIRE CAT attempts to leave.
ALICE has absolutely no response to this. ALICE: No! Wait! Don't go! Please!
ALICE: I'm Alice. CHESHIRE CAT: I have no intention of staying around and being your next hors
d'oeuvre.
CHESHIRE CAT: And I am the ever smiling, ever beguiling Cheshire Cat.
10 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 11

ALI CE: W hat are you...? (She then realizes) Oh ... no... wait, wait, wait... I get it. CHESHIRE CAT: You're on a journey to find the queen,
No... I said I liked to eat Kit Kats.
Who has a reputation for being quite mean.
CHESHIRE CAT: I KNOW! I HEARD YOU! LOUD AND CLEAR, MISS BIG MOUTH!!! But first you get fed,
ALICE: In my world Kit Kats are candy. And don't lose your head,
CHESHIRE CAT: Oh, horror! Kitty Kats as candy!
As we journey into the next scene.
ALICE: No... it's really candy. A chocolate wafer. They're good. Yummy! Meow.
The CHESHIRE CAT is cautious for a moment.
And the CHESHIRE CAT disappears. ALICE is left alone.
CHESHIRE CAT: I do like chocolate.
ALICE: Wait! Where are you going?!? You didn't tell me anything! Wait! (Beat,
ALICE: And wafers. Why does everything run away down here? (Beat) Man. I'm hungry.
CHESHIRE CAT: And I do like wafers.
ALICE: Then you'll stay?
CHESHIRE CAT: For a moment, and only for a moment. I am a very busy feline.
I have tons to do. There are hairballs still left to be coughed up.
ALICE: I'll make it quick. I am trying to find the Queen of Hearts.
CHESHIRE CAT: Why?
ALICE: To help me get back home.
CHESHIRE CAT: Why?
ALICE: So I can go to my birthday party.
CHESHIRE CAT: Why?
ALICE: So I can get presents.
CHESHIRE CAT: Why?
ALICE: So I can have more stuff.
CHESHIRE CAT: Why?
ALICE: Because I like stuff.
CHESHIRE CAT: Wh...
ALICE: STOP THAT! (Beat) Do you know where the Queen of Hearts lives?
CHESHIRE CAT: In a castle, as all proper Queens do. But you don't want to
meet the Queen.
ALICE: I kinda do.
CHESHIRE CAT: No. You don't.
ALICE: Kinda think I do.
CHESHIRE CAT: You see, she doesn't like little girls. If I were you, I would avoid
the Queen of Hearts. Or as I like to call her, "The Mean of Hearts."
ALICE: But the door told me she was the only one who could help me. I've got
to find her. Will you help me?
12 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 13

SCENE 4 CATERPILLAR: Change is easy. You just gotta let it happen. Look at the change
THE CATERPILLAR CAFE I am going to experience. It won't be long and I'll be a beautiful butterfly
soaring amongst the clouds. High. Up there. Above. In the heavenly plane.
The music fades to the sounds of the forest... birds, etc., as
ALICE: Yes. It's called a chrysalis. You'll turn into a chrysalis and then into a
the CATERPILLAR enters, unseen, and ALICE wanders butterfly.
through. The Caterpillar reclines in a bean bag chair dressed
in a tie-dye shirt, and sunglasses, blowing bubbles as they CATERPILLAR: How do you know that?
speak. ALICE: I learned it in school. I'm very smart. Where's the server? I'm hungry!
Suddenly MADGE or MOOSE, depending upon the gender CATERPILLAR: Peace, little one. Peace. Your aura is coming through a dirty
cast, enters dressed as a server in dirty apron, etc. They carry brown. Where's my smudge stick? (Beat) Tell me. Why do you stare?
a tray and look a bit frazzled.
ALICE: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. I've never met a caterpillar
MADGE/MOOSE (shouting to someone offstage): I NEED AN ADAM AND EVE before. I mean, a talking caterpillar. .. wearing tye-dye.
ON A RAFT AND WRECK 'EM! (They notice Alice) What'dya have?
CATERPILLAR: Then you've led a very sheltered and unfortunate life. But
ALICE: Excuse me? that's ... like... groovy.
MADGE/MOOSE: This ain't no library, lady. It's a diner. We have a motto here: MADGE/MOOSE enters.
"No eat. No seat." So either order it or move it.
MADGE/MOOSE (to someone offstage): I NEED A SHIMMY WITH A SHINGLE
MADGE/MOOSE notices something offstage. AND SHAKE IT!
Oh. More customers. ALICE (to Madge/Moose): Oh, excuse me, but may I order...
They hand ALICE a menu. MADGE/MOOSE (to Alice as they exit): Be right with you, honey.
Here's a menu. Look it over. Roast Beet is the Special. I'll be back. ALICE: Not before I starve to death.
MADGE/MOOSE hurries off, leaving a confused ALICE. CATERPILLAR: Come closer, sister. I have advice I wish to impart upon you.
ALICE: Where am I? ALICE moves a few steps closer.
CATERPILLAR: Greetings little one. As you journey though life, it is important to remember these things. One.
ALICE: What? Who said that? Keep your temper.
ALICE: And two...?
CATERPILLAR: I did. Welcome my cosmic sister and life sojourner, to the
Caterpillar Cafe. CATERPILLAR: That everything is beautiful. In its own way. Like the starry
ALICE: The Caterpillar Cafe? I'm confused. Just a moment ago I was talking summer night. Or a snow covered winter's day. Wouldn't you like to be a
to ... a... cat. Pepper, too? (Beat) Where did you come from, little one?
ALICE: My house.
CATERPILLAR: Hey. You look frazzled. Slow down. Lay back. Breathe. Get into
the groove. Go with the flow. Etcetera. CATERPILLAR: Right on. And where is your abode? Your yurt?
MADGE/MOOSE enters. As they cross the stage they yell... ALICE: Uh... well, I don't really know. Up there. I think. I fell down a hole, and...
MADGE/MOOSE: BURN ONE, TAKE IT THROUGH THE GARDEN AND PIN A ROSE CATERPILLAR: You don't know where your house is? You're not very smart, are
ON IT! (To Alice as they exit) Be right with ya. you, sister?

They exit. ALICE: I'm smart! Very smart! Smart enough to know what a chrysalis is!
CATERPILLAR: I'm a caterpillar. CATERPILLAR: Hey, hey, hey- lighten up! Heal. Don't get your Birkenstocks in
a twist.
ALICE: Yes. I know.
CATERPILLAR: How do you know that? MADGE/MOOSE enters.
MADGE/MOOSE: I do not mind tellin' you- no, I do NOT mind a-tellin' you my
ALICE: Because I'm smart. And things keep changing so quickly.
dogs are a-barkin'!
ALICE: "A-barkin'?"
14 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 15

MADGE/MOOSE: That's right, a-barkin'. I have been rushed off my feet all day. MADGE/MOOSE and CATERPILLAR point in opposite
ALL DAY. I tell you! So, what can I get ya, honey? Chicken pot pie? It's good. directions.
Good stuff that Chicken Pot Pie. MADGE/MOOSE (simultaneously); That way.
ALICE: Oh. Yeah. Hey, that does sound good. I'll have the chicken pot pie. CATERPILLAR (simultaneously); That way.
MADGE/MOOSE: We're out. (Beat) How 'bout a tuna sandwich? It's good. Good ALICE (frustrated): You two are impossible! I'm outta here. Ciao.
stuff that tuna sandwich.
CATERPILLAR: Pleasant journeys and Godspeed.
ALICE: Okay. Tuna sounds good also, I guess.
MADGE/MOOSE: Come back on Tuesday. Blue Plate Special. Buck fifty. ANO
MADGE/MOOSE: We're out. (Beat) How 'bout a banana dipped in peanut FREE PIE! (Beat) Buy me something pretty!
butter? It's good. Good stuff that...
MADGE/MOOSE and CATERPILLAR exit.
ALICE (interrupting): How about you tell me what you've got and then I can
order...? ALICE (to herself): Let's see. I'll just go in ... this direction. Because whatever
direction I go in, I am bound to come across something or someone.
MADGE/MOOSE: Oh, yeah. Smart thinkin'. Probably a yodeling Lay-Z-Boy recliner!
ALICE (to Caterpillar): See. I told you I was smart.
MADGE/MOOSE: I'll tell you what we've got, then you can order.
ALICE: Okay. What'cha got?
MADGE/MOOSE: Nothin'.
ALICE: Nothing?
MADGE/MOOSE: That's right. Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard is bare.
ALICE: What kind of cafe runs out of food?
CATERPILLAR: Not a very good one.
MADGE/MOOSE: Not a very good one.
CATERPILLAR: OR a really good onel
MADGE/MOOSE: OR a really good one!
ALICE: Well, this is just a pretty pink fine "how do you do?" I need to find the
Queen of Hearts, and I can't very well do that on an empty stomach. I mean
how would it look if I met the Queen of Hearts and I start to curtsey, as all
ladies should when they meet a Queen ... and BAM! I fell over at her feet,
dead faint from hunger!?!
CATERPILLAR: If you meet the Queen, you will be dead.
ALICE: Meaning?
MADGE/MOOSE: Ignore him.
ALICE: So, since you haven't any food- can you at least point me in the
direction of the castle of the Queen of Hearts?
MADGE/MOOSE and CATERPILLAR point in opposite
directions.
MADGE/MOOSE (simultaneously); That way.
CATERPILLAR (simultaneously); That way.
ALICE: Well- which direction is it?
16 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 17

SCENE 5 FOOTMAN: For the Duchess. And invitation from the Queen to play croquet.
TOO MANY COOKS! ALICE (overhearing): The Queen?!?
ALICE once again begins to wander. Suddenly a cooking pot COOK: The Duchess is busy!
whizzes by her. The COOK snatches the invitation from the FOOTMAN.
ALICE: Heyl That almost hit me! (Referring to the printed invitation)
She no sooner says this than another cooking pot sails past This is environmentally irresponsible and a waste of paper. It's called
her. Eventbrite. Google it.
HEY! WHOEVER IT IS CHUCKING THESE POTS AT ME- CUT IT OUT! The COOK exits and the FOOTMAN crosses the stage and sits.
The FOOTMAN enters from the opposite side of the stage ALICE crosses down. From offstage we hear a cacophony of
carrying an oversized envelope. ALICE notices and crosses pots and pans.
down. The Footman ignores her, freezing in a stance. ALICE (to the Footman): Do you know the Duchess? I'd like to talk to her.
Excuse me... uh ... but I seem to be a wee bit lost, and I was wondering if... FOOTMAN: Knocking will be a waste of time for two reasons. One: I would be
Suddenly the CHESHIRE CAT appears. unable to open the door for you, as we are on the same side of the door.
Two: They are making so much noise in there. they wouldn't hear you
CHESHIRE CAT: They won't talk to you. Not allowed. knocking. So forget it.
ALICE: There you are! Where did you disappear to? ALICE: Well, then I shall go in without knocking!
CHESHIRE CAT: Sorry. It was time for my... cat nap.
ALICE starts to cross as COOK, still with her large cooking pot
ALICE: What is that heavenly smell? and spoon, and the DUCHESS storm on stage which frightens
CHESHIRE CAT: It's coming from the house of the Duchess. She's got a great the FOOTMAN, who runs off. The Cook and Alice stand nose
cook. A crazy cook, yes- without a doubt... but the best in the land. to nose in silence.

ALICE: Duchess?!? Surely a Duchess knows a Queen. I could ask her where It smells heavenly, but there's too much pepper in that soup.
the castle is! COOK: No one asked your opinion. You sound just like my sister. Always
CHESHIRE CAT: Yeah. Sure. Do that. But I must warn you. If you do, it could be sticking her nose into other people's soup where it doesn't belong!
a cat-tastrophe! ALICE: I'm sure your sister is very nice and an excellent judge of soup.
Another cooking pot flies by ALICE and the CHESHIRE CAT. COOK: Isn't! She thinks she's a Queen because she works over at the
And that is my cue to skedaddle. Caterpillar Cafe.

ALICE: Hey! No! Wait! You dumped me last time! You can't run out on me ALICE: Oh! That reminds me. (Crossing to the Duchess) Excuse me, madam ...
again but, I was wondering if you knew the Queen?
CHESHIRE CAT (effecting a "fading voice"): Watch me... DUCHESS: The Queen! Of course I know the Queen! The Queen and I are BFF's!
We are inseparable! We are constantly together except for the
ALICE: Why are you talking like that? moment because she's not here. But if she were here, she'd be here and if I
CHESHIRE CAT (effecting a "fading voice"): Because it's effective and it's cool... were there, I'd be there and we'd be BFF's. So there. (Beat) In fact I am
playing croquet with her this very day. Jealous?
The FOOTMAN springs back to life continuing their cross then
stops and then "knocks" on an imaginary door, making the ALICE: May I go? I do so need to speak with the Queen.
sounds of the "knocks" with their own foot stamping the DUCHESS: Hmmmm... I don't know. Can you play croquet?
stage floor. After a moment the COOK enters disheveled,
ALICE: I have played croquet, on occasion. But, I'm not very good. I have
covered in flour and carrying a large cooking pot which they
difficulty with the execution.
are constantly stirring.
COOK (to the Footman); What do you want? DUCHESS: And speaking of execution, have you met the Queen's Executioner?
He's a hunk!
The FOOTMAN presents the oversized envelope to the COOK. ALICE: Why does the Queen need an Executioner?
18 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 19

DUCHESS: To execute things. Like dance moves, and the sort. (Beat) I must get SCENE 6
ready to play croquet with the Queen.
ALL THE KING'S MEN
ALICE: May I go?
And as the music swells and the lights change, ALICE begins
DUCHESS: If you have any sense, you'll keep out of her way.
to wander the stage... again, continuing her journey. When
The DUCHESS, followed by the COOK, exits. The CHESHIRE the lights rise again, we find the FLOWERS and HUMPTY
CAT once again appears. DUMPTY, who sits above the FLOWERS. As the lights rise the
CHESHIRE CAT (sporting his "fading" voice): I'm back. I forgot my cat nip. Flowers are in the middle of a gale of laughter.
VIOLET: So, tell me, Rose- how was your date last night?
ALICE: Hey, you. I am going to the croquet game.
ROSE: It was swell, thanks!
CHESHIRE CAT: I suppose it's no use telling you not to ... ?
AMARYLLIS: Who was the guy?
ALICE: That's right. I need help from the Queen. (Beat) Well, time's a-wastin'
and I'm not gettin' any younger, as I'm a day older. Better get started. ROSE: Basil.
ALICE starts off in one direction, then stops. She starts off in AMARYLLIS: Basil?!? I thought you were goin' out with Oregano?
another direction, then stops. She turns to the CHESHIRE ROSE: Nah. I called it off. He got too fresh. Then he wouldn't quit callin'. He
CAT. was nothin' but a thorn in my side.
ALICE: Which way? LilY: I hear ya, sister!
CHESHIRE CAT: It doesn't matter. DAISY: So where'd this Basil take ya?
ALICE: Y'know, you are absolutely no help. ROSE: We went to that new night club, "The Garden." We sat in the first row.
CHESHIRE CAT (reverting to the "fading voice" once again): But I'm cute! Don't VIOLET: Y'know, I went out with Basil's brother, Dill, once. He was very sour. We
forget that I'm cute! didn't get along at all.
ALICE: The jury is still out on that one! You're leaving again, aren't you? LILY: I hear ya. sister!
CHESHIRE CAT (in a "fading voice"): Yes. How did you know? ROSE: Y'know, that big strapping tree in the One Hundred Acre Wood asked me
ALICE: I could hear it in your voice. Literally. Ciao! out!
CHESHIRE CAT (in a "fading voice"): Arrivedercil DAISY: Who?

ALICE studies her options for a moment unable to decide ROSE: Fir something. Douglas Fir, that's it.
which way to go. VIOLET: So, you gonna go?
ALICE (to herself): Y'know, if I had my smart phone with me, I could totally GPS ROSE: I might. It just might be time for me to go out on a limb.
this. POPPY: I went out with that Douglas Fir once. His bark is much worse than his
bite. He has severe commitment issues. He's terrified of putting down roots!
LILY: I hear ya, sister!
ROSE: Regardless, I think he's cute.
AMARYLLIS: Gee, you're so lucky, Rose. Y'get to go out with all kinds of dates.
ROSE: Whatd'ya talk, Amaryllis? Just last week you went out with that cute
Weepin' Willow. Whatever happened to him?
AMARYLLIS: He was such a cry baby. I couldn't stand 'im.
LILY: I hear ya, sister!
AMARYLLIS: What happened to your fella, Daisy?
DAISY: Y'know, I was datin' that Bonsai, but he was too short.
20 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 21

ALICE walks up. The lights rise on HUMPTY DUMPTY.

ALICE (to the Flowers): Excuse me. HUMPTY (sleepily): Wha ... ?
DAISY: Well, what do we have here? ALL OF THE FLOWERS: WAKE UP!
VIOLET: You're an odd lookin' flower. HUMPTY: I'm awake. I'm awake. I wasn't asleep. Just resting my eyes.
AMARYLLIS: Funniest lookin' petals I've ever seen. VIOLET: This funny lookin' flower here needs some help.
LILY: I hear ya, sister! ALICE: Oh, I'm not a flower. I'm a girl.
POPPY: And let's not even discuss those split ends. Right, Lily? (Beast) Lily? VIOLET (to Alice): Sorry. (To Humpty) This funny lookin' girl needs some help.
LILY: Oh. Sorry, I didn't hear ya. (To Alice) So, what's going' on, sugar? HUMPTY (to Alice): Hello... how may I be of service?
ROSE: What's shakin', honey? ALICE says nothing.
ALICE: Nothing is shaking at the moment. Although on occasion I do shake my Why are you staring at me? Yes, I know I have a wait problem.
head.
ALICE: Oh ... no, sir. It's not because you're large.
AMARYLLIS: It's a term of expression, honey. Like "don't lose your head."
HUMPTY: I prefer "big boned." And I didn't say "weight" problem. I said "wait"
DAISY: Yeah, you aren't really gonna lose your head. Unless you meet the problem.
Queen. ALICE: You're an egg.
LILY: You hear that, sister? DAISY: He's a very sensitive egg.
ALICE: Everyone keeps saying that. AMARYLLIS: Cracks easily.
ROSE: So, what can we do for ya, sweetie? ROSE: He's just a shell of a man.
ALICE: I was wondering if you could help me ... ?
HUMPTY (to the Flowers): You girls crack me up! (To Alice) I sit here on this wall
VIOLET: That depends upon the kind of help you need. watching.
ROSE: Like if you want us to drive you somewhere, then we can't help you ALICE: For?
'cause we don't have a car. HUMPTY: Poachers. And for something to happen.
AMARYLLIS: Or a driver's license. ALICE: What?
DAISY: Or feet.
HUMPTY: I don't know. I have to wait and find out. And when it does happen
ROSE: Or arms. the King has promised to send all of his horses and all of his men. I'm so on
LILY: Or gas. edge. But I keep looking on the sunny side.

POPPY: I'd like to help, but I really don't want to. ALICE: I need help finding the Queen of Hearts. Y'see, today is my birthday
and ...
ALICE: I was actually wondering if you could point me in the direction of the
Queen of Hearts...? HUMPTY: Today is my un-birthday!

DAISY: Oh, honey, you don't want to meet her. She'll pluck your petals! VIOLET: Mine, too!

ALICE: Oh, but I do. Everyone says I don't, but I do. I need her help to get home AMARYLLIS: And mine!
in time for my birthday party and if you don't help me I'll pick you. It's that DAISY: Same here.
simple. ROSE: Ditto.
The FLOWERS consider this for a moment. POPPY: Don't forget me!
ROSE: Since you put it that way, let's see what we can do. (Shouting above her) LILY: I hear ya, sister!
HEY!
ALICE: An un-birthday? What in the blue blazes jimmy crack corn is an un-
There is no reaction from above. birthday?
HEY! HUMPTY! WAKE UP! HUMPTY: It's a day that isn't your birthday. So I get an un-birthday present.
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22 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 23

VIOLET: So do I! SCENE 7
AMARYLLIS: Me, too! TEA PARTY
DAISY: Same here! Music rises as the lights change and the FLOWERS and
ROSE: Ditto! HUMPTY exit. Suddenly the MAD HATTER rushes on, throws
down a table and rushes off. ALICE is taken aback. After a
POPPY: Don't forget about me! moment of stillness the MARCH HARE and the DORMOUSE
LILY: I'm hungry. rush on with two chairs each and place them around the
ALICE: An un-birthday present? That's dumb. table and rush off. ALICE is alone, once again, and perplexed
Then suddenly the MAD HATTER, MARCH HARE and the
HUMPTY: Question. How many days are there in a year?
DORMOUSE rush on with tea things- a kettle, cups, saucers,
ALICE: 365. etc., which they throw on the table then rush to their chairs
HUMPTY: And how many birthdays have you? and sit perfectly still like statues.
MAD HATTER: One lump or two?
ALICE: One.
HUMPTY: And if you take away one from three hundred sixty-five ... what MARCH HARE: Three!
remains? MAD HATTER: You can't have three.
ALICE: Three hundred sixty-four. MARCH HARE: Why not?
HUMPTY: That shows there are three hundred and sixty-four days when you MAD HATTER: Because I only offered two. One lump or two?
might get un-birthday presents. ALICE: Excuse me.
ALL OF THE FLOWERS (to Humpty): Happy un-birthday! MAD HATTER (to Alice): No room! No room!
HUMPTY (to the Flowers): Awww. How sweet. Same to you.
ALICE: There's plenty of room.
There is silence. MARCH HARE: Have some chocolate?
(To Alice) ALICE (sitting at the table): I don't see any chocolate.
So. Are you planning on staying here for the rest of your life? MARCH HARE: There isn't any!
ALICE: Uh. No. I was hoping you'd point me in the direction of the Queen. ALICE: Then it wasn't very polite of you to offer.
HUMPTY: If I do, you'll be sorry. MAD HATTER: It wasn't very polite of you to sit when you weren't invited.
HUMPTY points in a direction... ALICE: I didn't know it was your party!
It's that way. MAD HATTER: You need a haircut! Or perhaps a side pony tail.
ALICE: Thank you. ALICE: You shouldn't make personal remarks. It's rude!
ALICE starts to leave. MAD HATTER: Look who's talking about being rude, Miss Uninvited! Why is a
DAISY: Be careful, honey. chicken like a pencil?

VIOLET: Don't take any wooden nickels! ALICE: A riddle? I hate riddles.

AMARYLLIS: Keep your feet on the ground ... MAD HATTER: My party. My rules. Why is a clock like a bottle of milk?

ROSE: Your nose to the grindstone! ALICE: What happened to the pencil and the chicken?

POPPY: Your eye on the prize, and above all... MAD HATTER: The chicken left. Pay attention! The Dormouse is asleep again.

FLOWERS & HUMPTY: WATCH YOUR HEAD! MARCH HARE (to the Dormouse): WAKE UP!

LILY (to Alice): Buy me something pretty! DORMOUSE (sleepily): I did my best, I did. I was this close... this close!
ALICE: What is he/she talking about?
MAD HATTER: Have you guessed the riddle yet?
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ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
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25

ALI CE: I give up. W hat's the answ er? MAO HATTER: ALL MOVE ONE PLACE OVER!
M AO HATT ER : Don't know . They all move one place over. The MAD HATTER punches the
M AR CH HAR E: M e neither. DORMOUSE.

D O R M O US E (sleepily): ... this close ... Dormouse! Tell us a story.

M A D HA TT ER (to Alice): Thought you m ight. DORMOUSE: "In a galaxy far, far away..."

ALI CE: And I'd think you'd find som ething better to do w ith your tim e than MARCH HARE: Not that one!
w asting it asking riddles you don't know the answ er to. DORMOUSE: "Once there were four children whose names were Peter, Susan,
M AD HATT ER : If you knew Tim e as w ell as I do, you w ouldn't talk about w asting Edmund and Lucy ... "
it. It's him . MAD HATTER: Heard it!
M AR CH HAR E (to Alice): You've probably never even spoken to Tim e. ALICE: Oh! I like that one!
ALI CE: I know how to beat tim e in m usic. MAD HATTER (to Alice): No one asked your opinion!
M AD HATT ER : Tim e w ould never stand fo r a beating. W e quarried, you know . DORMOUSE: "This is the saddest story I have ever heard..."
Tim e and I. I was at a concert given by the Queen of Hearts...
MAD HATTER: Yes! Yes! That one!
ALICE: Oh! You know where she lives? Will you take me there?
MARCH HARE: Do tell! Do tell!
MAD HATTER: I'm not that mad! I was at a concert and I had to sing. Perhaps
MAD HATTER: ALL MOVE ONE PLACE OVER!
you know my song...?
Everyone moves one place over.
(Singing)
TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE BAT! ALICE (as she is moving): Not again...
HOW I WONDER WHERE YOU'RE AT! MARCH HARE (to the Dormouse): Continue, kind sir...

ALICE: That's not how it goes. DORMOUSE: This is the saddest story I have ever heard. And it is about... me.
MAD HATTER: UP ABOVE THE WORLD YOU FLY, ALICE: Oh. Poor little Dormouse!
LIKE A TEA-TRAY IN THE SKY. MAD HATTER (to Alice): It's rude to interrupt.
TWINKLE, TWINKLE ... ALICE: I'm sorry, but L...
(Speaking) MAD HATTER (to Dormouse): Proceed.
So what do you think? ALICE: But you just interrupted me!
ALICE: You are so ready for American Idol. MARCH HARE (to Alice): RUDENESS!
DORMOUSE (singing sleepily): TWINKLE, TWINKLE... MAD HATTER (to Dormouse): And then what happened next?
MAD HATTER: I hardly finished the first verse when the Queen shrieked, "He's
DORMOUSE: I was good, I tell you. The best! I had it in the bag, I tell you. In the
murdering the time!" And ever since then he won't do a thing I ask. It's
bag! I was on my way! I was going to be rich!
always tea time now.
MAD HATTER & MARCH HARE: RICH!
DORMOUSE (sleepily): Before that it was "Peanut Butter Jelly Time"...
DORMOUSE: And famous!
ALICE: Is that why there are so many tea things out?
MAD HATTER & MARCH HARE: FAMOUS!
MAO HATTER: We've not time to wash the dishes.
DORMOUSE: Then HE had to show up!
MARCH HARE: We just keep moving around.
ALICE: Who is he?
MAD HATTER: As things get used up.
DORMOUSE: I just told you. HE!
ALICE: What happens when you come to the beginning again?
MAD HATTER & DORMOUSE (to Alice): Sssssshhhhhhhhh!
MARCH HARE: More tea?
ALICE: I haven't had any, so how can I take more?
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26 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 27

DORMOUSE: Everyone loved me! The director! The producer! EVERYONE! QUEEN: I don't like your face. Come to the croquet ground. That's an order!
"You're the one that we want!" they said. "Oooo, oo000, ocoo, honey!" Then, KING (to Alice): You do know how to play, don't you?
at that very moment, he walked in!
ALICE: A little.
ALICE: WHO?!?
KING: Perfect!
DORMOUSE: I was gonna be a star! Limosines, parties and premieres! But no.
It was not meant to be. Afterall, who wants a Dormouse when you can have QUEEN: Let the croquet game begin and afterwards we shall all eat my very,
Mickey Mouse? very, very, very. Very, very, very favorite post-croquet snack... cherry tarts!
They're my favorite!
The DORMOUSE begins to cry.
MADGE/MOOSE: Oh. Gotta run.
MAD HATTER (comforting): There, there, Dormouse. There, there. So what if
you missed your one shot at fame, fortune and immortality? MADGE/MOOSE quickly exits.

MARCH HARE: What has Mickey Mouse got that you haven't got besides fame, QUEEN: Where are they going? OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! Everyone follow me to
fortune and a career? the croquet ground!

MAD HATTER: I never understood why Mickey Mouse- a mouse, had a dog for Everyone begins to march out.
a pet. That simply seems wrong to me! EVERYONE MOVE DOWN ONE! KING (to the Queen): My dear little poopsie schnookie lumps. I do believe the
As they are moving... soldiers are out of step.

ALICE (wearily): Not again... QUEEN: OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

Two CLUB SOLDIERS enter. Everyone except ALICE and the CHESHIRE CAT march off.

SOLDIERS: THE QUEEN APPROACH ETH! ALICE: She's awfully fond of chopping off people's heads, isn't she? It's a
wonder there's anyone left to play croquet.
MAD HATTER (to Alice): Hide before she sees you!
CHESHIRE CAT: Can you play croquet?
ALICE: But I want to meet her!
ALICE: I stink at it. The worst. I can play a mean Mario Brothers, though.
MAD HATTER: What are you... mad?
CHESHIER CAT: It's good you stink at croquet because the Queen will want to
QUEEN (from offstage): Off with their heads! win.
ALICE: Okay, suddenly all of those warnings are starting to make sense to me.
ALICE: And I want to get home in time for my birthday party and my presents,
The CHESHIRE CAT suddenly appears. which, after everything I've been through today, better be a cat. Wait- the
Queen didn't answer my question. I gotta run. I'll see you later. Maybe.
CHESHIRE CAT: I warned you...
ALICE (to Cheshire Cat): Where have you been? ALICE looks around and notices the CHESHIRE CAT has, once
again, disappeared.
CHESHIRE CAT: Oh, just cattin' around.
Where'd you...? Gone, again. That cat totally freaks me out.
ALICE: About time you showed up! The Queen is coming and I can finally find
out how to get home!
The QUEEN enters followed by the KING, MADGE/MOOSE,
who carries a tray, and the DUCHESS. EVERYONE fearfully
bows low to the Queen and King. ALICE carefully executes a
curtsey.
I hate executing a curtsey on an empty stomach.
The QUEEN notices ALICE.
QUEEN: How did you get here?
ALICE: Honestly, I haven't the foggiest idea, Please, your majesty, can you help
me get home?
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28 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 29

SCENE 8 The WHITE RABBIT passes by ALICE, not noticing her.

Throughout the following, MADGE/MOOSE is eating the tarts
PLAY CROQUET on the tray.
ALICE exits as the music rises and the lights dim. During the ALICE (to White Rabbit): Oh. Hello, again.
dim out and music, the scene changes to the croquet
WHITE RABBIT: Why yes. It is a lovely day.
grounds. As the lights rise we find the GARDNERS, the FIVE,
TWO, and SEVEN of Spades, or any other suit and any other ALICE: Uh. Okay. Listen- I need for you to put in a good word for me with the
numerical card. They are painting the flowers red. Queen.
TWO: Watch it, Five! You're splashing paint all over me! WHITE RABBIT (confused): Uh. Do I know you?
FIVE: Sorry. Seven hit my elbow. ALICE: Uh. Yeah. Don't you remember...'?
SEVEN: Do you always have to blame others? WHITE RABBIT: 'Fraid not.
FIVE: I wouldn't talk if I were you! I overheard the Queen say you deserved to ALICE: I'm from "up there"...
be beheaded! WHITE RABBIT: Not ringing a bell.
TWO: What for? ALICE: I chased you.
SEVEN: None of your business, Mister Nosey Noserton, Mayor of Nosey Town! WHITE RABBIT: I got nothin'.
FIVE: For talking to the Chershire Cat. The Queen doesn't like the way he grins ALICE: Tripped and fell down your rabbit hole... and...
at her. He has a gray tooth. (To Seven) You better play your cards right,
because if not, you'll get axed! WHITE RABBIT (suddenly remembering): Oh... my stalker! That's right! So, how
ya been?
SEVEN: That's stupid. I'm too pretty to be beheaded. I should be beknighted
QUEEN (to Alice): Where's the Duchess?
instead!
FIVE: You better be quiet and befinish your bework! ALICE: Oh. She's right behind you. Your. Majesty.
DUCHESS (to the Queen): Cheerio!
ALICE walks up.
ALICE: Why are you painting those roses? QUEEN: OFF WITH HER... (She stops herself noticing the Gardners) Who are
these?
TWO: Because this ought to have been a red rose tree, but we put in a white
ALICE: Dunno.
one by mistake.
QUEEN (to the Gardners): GET UP!
FIVE: And if the Queen finds out, heads will roll! Literally. Heads are round so
they roll. Did you know that? The GARDNERS jump up and begin bowing to everyone.
ALICE: Please tell me these flowers don't talk. (To the Gardners)
TWO: Nope. Too young. What are you doing here?
ALICE: Thank goodness cause earlier I ran into some talking flowers and I TWO: May it please your majesty, we were trying to...
thought they would never shut up! They were like "blah, blah, blah" ... QUEEN: I asked for red roses! RED ROSES! And because these aren't red, I'm
boyfriends this and boyfriend that and "honey" and "sweetie" and "where'd ya seeing red!
go?" and "yadda, yadda, yadda," and...
SEVEN (to the other Cards): Ah. Well. Problem solved.
The SOUDERS enter.
QUEEN (turning to the Soldiers): OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!
SOLDIERS: She approaches-eth!
KING: My little love muffin of joy and contentment, careful not to lose your
THE GARDNERS: The Queen approaches-eth! temper. You'll get indigestion and won't be able to enjoy your tarts.
The CARDS throw themselves flat on the ground. The QUEEN, QUEEN: Tarts! Oh, I do love me some tarts!
KING, DUCHESS, WHITE RABBIT and MADGE/MOOSE, who
KING: Yes, I know you do my precious coral blossom of beauty.
carries a tray, enter.
 . - gr ; ill

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30 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 31

QUEEN: I mean I love 'em. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yummy-yum! (To KING: But my ever lovely and captivating pickapoo bundle of joy juice, we neec
everyone) BATTER UP, BOYS! PLAY BALL! him for the game.
The CARDS and one SOLDIER assume various positions on QUEEN: Oh. Right. Pity. Remind me to have it done later.
the stage and bend over forward and/or backward, thus
forming croquet wickets. The other Soldier exits offstage and The SOLDIER makes his arch again and the game continues
in wild confusion. Some players dance around waving their
quickly reenters carrying a balloon.
balloons and sweeping with their brooms, others
ALICE (eyeing the balloon): You call that a croquet ball? approaching the same arch from the opposite direction. The
QUEEN (threateningly): Certainly! What would you call it? QUEEN backs into the DUCHESS.

ALICE: A... croquet... ball... DUCHESS: Excuse me, your majesty.

QUEEN (to the White Rabbit): Fetch the mallets! QUEEN: OFF WITH HER HEAD!
WHITE RABBIT: Oh, dear.
The WHITE RABBIT quickly exits.
ALICE: Excuse me, your majesty, but.. The WHITE RABBIT exits.

QUEEN: Why should I excuse you? Did you burp? DUCHESS: What? Again?

ALICE: No, your majesty. You see, I have a special favor to ask of you. I really The DUCHESS exits quickly. Everyone resumes the game.
need to get home before five o'clock and it's half past four now, so ... ALICE notices MADGE/MOOSE who is eating the last tart off
the tray.
The WHITE RABBIT reenters carrying a broom for each player.
ALICE (to Madge/Moose): What are you eating?
WHITE RABBIT: Your mallets, your majesty.
MADGE/MOOSE (with a full mouth): Nothin'. I wasn't eating anything.
ALICE (noticing the brooms): Those aren't mallets! Those are...
MADGE/MOOSE burps and quickly exits.
QUEEN: WHAT?
QUEEN (to Alice): SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE SO I CAN HIT MY BALL!
ALICE (meekly): Mallets ...
QUEEN: You're not quite as stupid as you look. As the QUEEN bends over to hit her ball, the CHESHIRE CAT
appears once again.
KING (to the Queen): My little sweet nectar of poopsie doodley pop, I think
CHESHIRE CAT: Meow.
she's a rather nice child.
ALICE (to the Cheshire Cat): What are you doing here?
QUEEN (to the King): When did you start to think?
CHESHIRE CAT: How are you getting on?
KING: I think she's a rather stupid looking child.
ALICE: I'm not getting any help from the Queen. She's too busy with her stupid
QUEEN: PLAY! game.
The QUEEN crosses to the first arch, places her balloon down
The KING pauses his game.
and hits it through.
KING (to Alice): Who is that you're talking to?
I win!
ALICE: But the game's just started. The QUEEN pauses her game.
QUEEN (to Alice): And who told you you could talk?
QUEEN: Then get on with it!
ALICE: Uh. This is a friend of mine. When he's not disappearing.
The PLAYERS hit their balloons in any direction, not waiting
for their turn. ALICE hits hers through an arch. Just as the QUEEN (to the Cheshire Cat as she extends her hand): You may kiss my hand.
QUEEN is about to hit hers through, the SOLDIER, who is CHESHIRE CAT: I'd rather not. Liverspots. Ew.
acting as a wicket, stands up and scratches his back.
QUEEN (enraged): OFF WITH HIS/HER HEAD!
SOLDIER: My back itches. Sorry.
ALICE: Gonna be kinda hard to cut off a head without a body being attached to
QUEEN: OFF WITH HIS/HER HEAD! it, don't you think?
pr -
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32 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 32

KING: Don't be inpertinent. SCENE 9

ALICE: If I knew what that word meant, I'm relatively certain I wouldn't be. THE DUCHESS
The WHITE RABBIT rushes in. There is a dramatic sting of music. ALICE jumps up and starts
WHITE RABBIT: Your majesty! Something terrible has happened! to run off as the CHESHIRE CAT exits. The DUCHESS enters
and collides with Alice.
QUEEN: OFF WITH HIS/HER ...
DUCHESS: Why are you in such a hurry?
WHITE RABBIT: Someone has stolen your tarts!
ALICE: I must get away from the Queen. She thinks I stole her tarts!
QUEEN: The tarts I just ordered?
DUCHESS: Then you'd better hide! The Queen is in a very bad mood.
KING: Her cherry tarts?
ALICE: Yeah. I heard when she said to you... "OFF WITH HER HEAD!"
During the following outburst, ALICE hides.
DUCHESS: Oh. That. She says that every ten seconds.
QUEEN: No. NO... NO! NO! NO! NO! NOT MY TARTS! MY LOVELY, PRECIOUS
TARTS! My ... sweet... tarts ... That girl did it! I know it! (The Queen looks ALICE: Really?
around) Where is she? Where did she disappear to? AFTER HER! DUCHESS: Oh, yeah.
Everyone scurries offstage in pandemonium because THE ALICE: So it's just an idle threat? She doesn't really cut off people's heads...?
TARTS ARE MISSING! After a moment, ALICE crawls out of DUCHESS: No. She does. Boy howdy does she ever. She cuts off those heads
her hiding place. like she's eating a bag of M&M's! One after the other. Man!
ALICE (to the Cheshire Cat): She thinks I stole them!
The WHITE RABBIT quickly enters followed by the SOLDIERS.
CHESHIRE CAT: Somebody's head is gonna roll of this!
WHITE RABBIT: The trial's beginning!
ALICE: Yeah! Mine! ALICE: Trial? What trial?
SOLDIER #1: Your trial!
SOLDIER #2: For stealing the Queen's tarts!
ALICE: But I didn't... (To the Duchess) Help me!
DUCHESS: I'd bake you a cherry tart with a file in it. but at this point it seems
pointless and not a little bit ironic. And I don't bake.
SOLDIER #1: Come along, miss!
SOLDIER #2: We can't keep the Queen waiting!
As the SOLDIERS attempt to grab ALICE, who is a bit too
quick for them...
ALICE: No! No, no, no, no, no! I didn't do it. (As she runs out) Where's that
stupid cat?
The SOLDIERS follow her in pursuit.
DUCHESS (calling after Alice): Toodles. (Beat) Sweet kid. (As she exits) Glad it's
not me.
 sass

34 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 35

ALICE: I didn't! Oh, and now it's almost five o'clock and my party is starting anc
SCENE 10 I'm not home! How can I get home again?
THE TRIAL
QUEEN: You can't!
The DUCHESS exits as the lights fade to black and the music ALICE: Never? Never ever?
rises. Perhaps the music is "The People's Court" theme?
During the blackout the FULL CAST assembles onstage. The QUEEN: I mean you can't get information from me!
QUEEN and KING are center, presiding over the trial. The KING: We want information from you!
WHITE RABBIT addresses the audience.
ALICE: You won't tell me?
WHITE RABBIT: The case of the missing tarts! The plaintiff, our lovely and
QUEEN: That's right!
benevolent Queen. The defendant, a thieving little girl who pretends to be
ginger and spice and everything nice-- but is she? Let's tune in! KING: Sit down. It's time for the trail to begin.
QUEEN: Where is she? WHERE IS THAT LITTLE THIEF? ALICE (meekly): Yes, your majesty.

The DUCHESS runs in. KING: White Rabbit! Read the accusation!

DUCHESS: She ran away, your majesty! WHITE RABBIT (unrolling a large parchment): The Queen of Hearts,
QUEEN: Where did she run to? she had some tarts,

KING: Perhaps she's running in circles, my darling little chickadee of amore. All on a summer day;

ALICE runs in. She quickly realizes where she is. But Alice came and stole those tarts,
And took them quite away!
ALICE: I definitely took a wrong turn.
QUEEN: Here she is! Look! LOOK AT THE GUilTY LOOK ON HER FACE! LOOK! KING: Jury, consider your verdict!
WHITE RABBIT: No! Not yet! There's a great deal to come before that!
KING (to Alice): How do you plead?
KING: Call the first witness!
ALICE: Innocent!
QUEEN: She ate all of my beautiful tarts! WHITE RABBIT (making a trumpet from his fists and blowing a fanfare): The
Mad Hatter!
ALICE: I didn't! I just want to go home!
The MAD HATTER rises with a cup in one hand and a piece of
QUEEN: Be quiet and be seated, prisoner! bread in the other. He goes to stand before the KING and
KING: You'll have a fair trial. QUEEN.
QUEEN: And then you'll be found quilty! MAD HATTER: Please forgive me for bringing these in, but I hadn't quite
finished my tea when I was rather rudely requested to attend these
ALICE: That isn't fair!
proceedings.
MADGE/MOOSE: Uh. I don't have a problem with it. Okay by me.
QUEEN: Did you see Alice steal my tarts?
ALICE (to Madge/Moose): There's cherry juice on your face!
MAD HATTER: I don't know, really. It all depends upon what you define as
MADGE/MOOSE (wiping her face clean): It's ketchup from hot dogs. "seeing."
The JURY, which is the remainder of the cast, furiously write QUEEN: Did you see Alice with your pupils?
in their notebooks and pads.
MAD HATTER: I don't have any pupils.
ALICE: What are they writing? The trial hasn't even begun!
QUEEN: Don't have any pupils? How can one with eyes NOT have any pupils.
MADGE/MOOSE: Probably their all natural and organic grocery lists.
MAD HATTER: I don't teach. No, I didn't see Alice steal the tarts as I was much
CATERPILLAR: I don't think she looks guilty. too busy listening to the Dormouse tell his story. Which we call Sominex,
DOOR: You're right. She looks very guilty. because it puts you right to sleep!
KING: Silence in the court! DORMOUSE: It's the saddest story ever told. I was this close, I tell you. This
close!
QUEEN (to Alice): Why did you steal my tarts?
 saala SA: sea=w

ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 37
36

KING : G ive your evidence and don't be nervous or the Q ueen w ill have you KING: Explain why you stole the Queen's tarts.
executed on the spot! ALICE: I never even saw them.
M AD HATT ER : W ell, then. No pressure. G iven that... Please, your highness. I KING: Ah ... yes... that's very important.
am a poor man, and the Dormouse said...
WHITE RABBIT: Unimportant, your majesty means ...
QUEEN: What did the Dormouse say?
KING: Unimportant, of course I meant. (To Alice) Did the tarts taste good?
DORMOUSE: It's the saddest story ever told ...
ALICE: I don't know because I didn't eat any.
QUEEN: Was it something about my tarts?
MADGE/MOOSE: They weren't sweet enough! Needed more sugar!
MAD HATTER: I'm a poor man, your majesty...
KING (to the Jury): Consider your verdict!
KING: You're a very poor speaker!
WHITE RABBIT: More evidence, your majesty! I just picked up this piece of
The JURY applauds. paper.
QUEEN: SILENCE IN THE COURT! QUEEN: What's in it?
KING (to the Mad Hatter): If that's all you know, you may step down. WHITE RABBIT: I haven't unfolded it yet.
MAD HATTER: I can't go any lower. I'm on the floor as it is! QUEEN: It must be a letter written by the prisoner to somebody!
KING: You may sit down, then. KING: Who is it addressed to?
MAD HATTER: I'd rather finish my tea. WHITE RABBIT: There isn't any name. (Unfolds paper) In fact, there's nothing
KING: Then you may go. on it at all.

The MAD HATTER exits quickly. ALICE: I didn't write anything to anybody!

QUEEN (to no one in particular): Just take their head off outside. QUEEN: A likely story.
ALICE: It's true!
KING: Call the next witness.
WHITE RABBIT (once again with the fanfare): The Cook! KING: If you didn't sign in, that only makes the matter worse. You must have
been up to some kind of trouble, or you would have signed your name!
The COOK throws a pan across the stage as she crosses to
the KING and QUEEN. The JURORS class in the KING bows to the applause.
QUEEN: The proves her guilt! SO, off with her...
KING: Give your evidence.
ALICE: It proves nothing of the sort! If there's nothing written on the paper,
COOK: No!
then there's no meaning to it. Like politicians!
WHITE RABBIT: Your majesty must cross-examine this witness
KING: Well, that fits.
KING: Why?
QUEEN: What fits?
WHITE RABBIT: Because she's cross.
KING (to the Queen): Have you ever had fits, my dear?
KING: I see. (To Cook) Cook! What are tarts made of?
QUEEN (throwing a fit): NEVER!
COOK: Pepper, mostly.
KING: Let the jury consider their verdict.
KING: Your testimony has been a great help.
QUEEN: No! Sentence first- verdict after!
The COOK exits.
ALICE: That's not right!
Next witness! QUEEN: Hold your tongue.
WHITE RABBIT (once again with the fanfare): ALICE!
ALICE: I won't! This is the most ridiculous trial I ever head of! And I watch
ALICE: Moi? "Judge Judy" daily!
ALICE rises and crosses to stand before the KING and QUEEN: SOMEBODY STOLE MY TARTS!
QUEEN. MADGE: Wasn't moil

1
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38 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE 35

KING: Therefore Alice is guilty! SCENE 11

ALICE: I'm not! HOME AGAIN
QUEEN: Soldiers! Secure the prisoner! ALICE: Wow. I got me some big old lungs.
The SOLDIERS come forward to ALICE. The CHESHIRE CAT suddenly appears.
OFF WITH HER HEAD! OFF WITH HER HEAD! CHESHIRE CAT: Meow.
The FULL CAST joins in. ALICE: Where have you been?
FULL CAST: OFF WITH HER HEAD! OFF WITH HER HEAD! OFF WITH HER... CHESHIRE CAT: Sorry. I had to do some Mickey Mouse catching.
ALICE: STOP! They point above.
Everyone freezes. ALICE stares at them in silence for a Up there.
moment. ALICE: You went "up there"?
You're not real. You're not real at all! You're nothing but an old, tired, stained CHESHIRE CAT: Yeah. I did.
pack of playing cards and with one breath I can blow you all away!
ALICE: How did you like it?
And with that ALICE takes a deep breath and begins to blow
and blow and blow. As she does so, the CAST, screaming, is CHESHIRE CAT: Not bad, really. At least I don't have to worry about someone
"blown" offstage. Once they are gone, Alice is left alone threatening to cut off my head Every ten seconds. (Beat) Guess what?
onstage. ALICE: What?
CHESHIRE CAT: While I was "up there" I ran into your folks and guess what?
ALICE (irritated): What?!?
CHESHIRE CAT: They got you a cat for your birthday.
ALICE (excitedly): REALLY?
CHESHIRE CAT: Yeah. (Beat) Me.
Pause.
ALICE: Oh.
CHESHIRE CAT: How do you feel about that?
ALICE: Well, okay, I guess. (Beat) I was hoping for a Siamese.
CHESHIRE CAT: Sorry.
Pause.
ALICE: But, it's okay, I guess. (Beat) You mind if I call you Fluffy?
CHESHRIE CAT: Sure. I'm game.
ALICE: You like to have your belly tickled?
CHESHIRE CAT: My what?
ALICE: Your belly. Do you like to have your belly tickled? Yes or no. Not a hard
question.
CHESHIRE CAT: I dunno. I've never had my belly tickled before.
ALICE: Come here.
The CHESHIRE CAT slowly and cautiously crosses to ALICE.

ws
40 ALICE IN WONDERLAND: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

CHESHIRE CAT: What?

ALICE lightly tickles their belly.
ALICE: "Tickle, tickle, tickle ... "
7\sail#if
The CHESHIRE CAT doesn't react. Pause.
CHESHIRE CAT: I don't like it. ABOUT STAGE RIGHTS
ALICE: Everything's negotiable. Based in Los Angeles and founded in 2000, Stage Rights is one of the foremost
CHESHIRE CAT: Come on. We've got a party to attend. independent theatrical publishers in the United States, providing stage
performance rights for a wide range of plays and musicals to theater companies,
They start to walk out. ALICE tickles CHESHIRE CAT as they schools, and other producing organizations across the country and
exit. internationally. As a licensing agent, Stage Rights is committed to providing each
ALICE: "Tickle, tickle, tickle..." producer the tools they need for financial and artistic success. Stage Rights is
dedicated to the future of live theatre, offering special programs that champion
CHESHIRE CAT: Stop that.
new theatrical works.
ALICE: "Tickle, tickle, tickle ... "
CHESHIRE CAT (starting to laugh): Cut it out!
ALICE: Here comes the tickle monster! "Tickle, tickle, tickle..." To view all of our current plays and musicals, visit:
CHESHIRE CAT (thoroughly enjoying the tickling): Okay, okay... I like it. I LIKE IT www.stagerights.com
ALICE: I knew you would. That's a good Fluffy.
Music rises and the lights go to black.

THE END