Module 2 – Part 4
Exercise 1
Note: You can download and Print a Complete Booklet of Exercises for this Module
at the End of this Module.
Developing the Learner Mindset
(10 Minutes)
Part 1: Pick a conflict you recently experienced—maybe with boss, a peer, with a friend or your
spouse.
1. Reflect about the conflict. Where have you or the other person taken the Knower perspective?
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2. What did you or they say in that situation?
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3. How did this impact the conversation? Did it open or close the discussion?
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4. What would you have said from a Learner perspective?
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5. How might the conversation or conflict have changed if you (or the other person) would have taken
the Learner perspective?
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6. After having applied the Learner perspective, how could you have stated your point without
creating a conflict? (This is a challenging one… We’ll look at this in more detail later in this module).
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Part 2: Go into meetings and observe the following:
1. Who in the meeting acts with a Knower mindset? How do others respond this behavior?
2. Who in the meeting acts with a Learner mindset? How do others respond this behavior?
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Module 2 – Part 4
Exercise 1
Part 2: Developing your Learner mindset
1. Becoming conscious of your intention to act with a Learner mindset.
Before entering meetings, set your intention to learn about others. Make it a point to bring the
following questions:
What do they think?
Why do they think that?
What do they want from this meeting that I could help facilitate?
What can I learn from them?
2. Ask for their perspective with genuine interest
Everyone can sense if you are truly interested in what others are saying – or if you are just asking a
question to later tell them the CORRECT answer – according to what you think is “right”!
So, make sure you don’t ask questions until you have developed the mindset of being genuinely
interested in learning from the other person’s viewpoint. Approach the conversation as an exercise to
strengthen your ability to deeply listen.
To do this you must approach the conversation with no intent to actually change the other’s position or
state your own. Simply listen and ask questions to understand their perspective: “I would like to
understand what you think about this issue? How would you approach solving it?”
3. If the is something you have learned from listening to them, try ACKNOWLEDGING IT AND
THANKING the other person .
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Module 2 – Part 6
Exercise 2
Developing the Actor Mindset
(10 Minutes)
Pick a situation in your life that dissatisfies you: maybe your boss’s or your colleague’s behavior,
a recurring issue in your relationship, or dissatisfaction with your work environment.
1. What’s the story your mind creates as it explains why the situation is the way it is—or why you
cannot change it.
You may hear yourself saying: “My boss is just an idiot – I just have to live with that.” Or “my spouse
always wants me to do stuff around the house. That’s why I’m grouchy.” Or “I can’t leave my job
because I need the money.”
Write down the story, below.
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2. Can you notice how your story places you in the Reactor role? Which circumstances or people do
you “blame” for your situation or feelings?
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3. Which choices in your life have you made that ultimately got you into this position? (Therefore, you
carry a responsibility for that situation).
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4. Remember the “Circle of Discretion”? What can you do right now with this situation? (E.g. speak
with people, walk away, etc.).
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5. As you consider the options, can you sense an energetic shift inside of you: where you feel more in
the Actor role – more in the driver’s seat?
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Module 2 – Part 9
Video Clip
Active Listening
Example
(1 Minute)
Watch this short film sequence about the highlights of the Soccer World Cup finals in 2002. Notice
whether you can sense how well the Brazil team collaborates. How does it make you feel?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80-mzWlIVb4
Notice they are speaking about a “Present Request”. We will address this in the next video.
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Module 2 – Part 10
Exercise 3
Practicing Your Active Listening Skills
(20-30 Minutes)
Below are 3 scenarios: each of them containing a confrontational comment. As you read the
scenarios and confrontational comments, imagine that you are actually in the situation and
being confronted.
After each scenario, write down how you would answer using your Active Listening skills.
Specifically: Mirror back the confrontational comment—the pain and what you hear the other
person’s need to be.
We included possible answers, below. Remember: There’s no right or wrong answer.
After completing each scenario, compare your answer with the suggested response.
1. You are in a meeting with a group of 10 colleagues. You discuss the leadership culture in your
organization, which is currently very hierarchical and uses a lot of pressure to get things done.
Suddenly, one colleague takes the lead and states very firmly: “I don’t believe we should change our
culture. We don’t have the time to do it, and it costs way too much money. Plus: People need to be
PUSHED to the limit to deliver the best results. I think we should stop this conversation and move on
to more important things.”
How you would respond to your colleague using Active Listening skills. Remember: reflect back to
him what he’s feelings – what he’s concerned about – and what he needs.
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2. You come home at 9pm after a long work day, because the last meeting for your project went way
over. Your spouse turns to you and says: “You’re late, again. You told me that you would be home
earlier. I am really tired of it. All you focus on is your work.”
Come up with an Active Listening answer. Good luck with this one!
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Module 2 – Part 10
Exercise 3
3. As you discuss a presentation with your boss, he suddenly stops and shakes his head: “Whenever I
get something from you, it contains mistakes, and we have to spend time and iterations to get it to
a point where we can actually use it. I am really not sure what to do with you? We can’t work that
way?”
How would you respond to this one?
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Active Listening Answers:
Scenario 1 Answer:
“Let me make sure I understand: You feel that it takes too much time and money to change a culture;
that our culture is a good way to deliver results. And you really need us not to waste time.”
Scenario 2 Answer:
“You feel a lot of frustration and anger, and you need us to spend more time together.” (Your spouse
might give you another shot of her frustration: “Yes, of course. And I have said it a million of times. And
nothing changes.” So you would keep going. For example: “Yes – I hear that it is really, really frustrating
for you. It has been going on for a long time – and you can’t trust that this will ever change.”)
Scenario 3 Answer:
“Let me make sure I understand: You are really concerned about the quality of the documents, and you
really need them delivered in a way that you can use them right away. And you need a way to make
that happen.”
As you look at the possible answers, notice the following:
1. The answers do NOT contain an excuse, even when the other person accuses you of coming too
late for dinner, or that the documents always contain faults. The answers simply mirror the other
person. Remember: it’s not about you!
2. The answers empathize with the other person. I essentially “guess” what the other person feels and
needs. I might hit the target – or get another shot if I miss.
3. In the 3rd sequence I am not using “You feel frustrated” or other feeling words, because they
sounds a little puffy in the business world. I used “You are really concerned,” instead of “You
feel…”, because I have found it working well in business settings.
4. If you want to take this to a deeper level, there’s some more information and video links about this
approach in the download section.
5. After you practiced listening, let’s now turn to expressing yourself with power & authenticity.
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Module 2 – Part 10
Exercise 3
If you would like to go deeper…
The Active Listening Approach is based on Marshall Rosenberg’s Non Violent Communication approach.
We have modified it to make it more applicable to the business world.
If you would like to go deeper, we encourage you to check out www.cnvc.org. They offer many books,
videos and other helpful material.
At first sight, this communication approach might appear soft—maybe even unrealistic. But be aware,
Rosenberg has used this methodology successfully in some of the toughest conflicts in our world - with
families in the room that had previously killed each other’s family members.
As a starter, we recommend the following 3 videos for you, which are excerpts from one of his
workshops:
Basics of NVC – Part 1: Purpose of NVC & Expressing Feelings: https://vimeo.com/10927832
Basics of NVC – Part 2: Expressing Needs & Requests: https://vimeo.com/10605838
Basics of NVC – Part 3: Empathically Hearing Others: https://vimeo.com/10604415
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Module 2 – Part 13
Exercise 4
Exercise: Communicating with Power & Authenticity
(60-90 Minutes)
This exercise covers 2 parts to help you better understand and practice the Authentic
Communication approach.
In Part 1 you will understand and practice the 4 components of the Authentic
Communication approach: The Observation, The Feeling, The Need, and the
Actionable Request.
In Part 2 you will develop Authentic Communication statements for your real-life conflicts
and issues.
As mentioned in the video, this approach takes practice. We hope this exercise helps deepen
your understanding of the approach and apply it, effectively, in your own work and life.
Part 1: Understanding & Practicing the 4 Components
Component 1: Practicing Observations – “When I hear / see…”
1. Are the following statements observations or evaluations / judgments of a situation?
a. Whenever I speak to my boss, he doesn’t listen.
b. My employee is not delivering on time.
c. My husband isn’t expressing any affection.
d. This is the fourth time you are expressing your dissatisfaction, this week.
e. When you speak, you need to get to the point.
f. You took the bicycle without my permission.
You’ll find the answers at the end of this exercise.
2. For each evaluation in 1, translate the sentence into a possible observation statement.
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3. To improve your observation skills, take a moment the next time you are in a meeting or sitting in a
traffic jam. Notice what you hear and see: other people, their comments, people moving in their
chairs, other cars, etc. As you become conscious of what you hear and see, notice whether you are
simply observing, or whether you are attaching an evaluation or judgment to what you see.
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Module 2 – Part 13
Exercise 4
Component 2: Practicing Feeling – “I feel…”
4. Imagine someone saying the following sentences to you. Evaluate each sentence and determine
whether or not they are expressing their feelings?
a. You are driving me crazy.
b. I am so angry that I have to do the presentation, again.
c. I feel you are doing this on purpose.
d. I understand how disappointing it is for you to do the presentation, again.
e. Paul, I would feel really angry if this happened to me.
f. I feel concerned that we don’t get the presentation done, in time.
5. For each sentence in 4 that’s not a genuine expression of feelings, translate the sentence into a
possible Feeling Statement.
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6. To improve your feeling skills, take a moment to check in with yourself every time you wait at a red
stop light (or walk through a doorway). Ask yourself: “What do I feel right now?” Are you feeling
peace, stress, anger, compassion, joy, excitement…?
I strongly encourage you to make use of this exercise. Our feelings are the compass for our life – and
our happiness. If we are not connected to our feelings, we are living life without obtaining any feed-
back how we are doing. We might get feedback whether we are doing good by other people’s
standards, but our feelings provide us the feedback how we are doing for ourselves – our own
happiness).
Component 3: Practicing Need-Statements – “I need…”
7. In each of the following statements, identify the possible need(s) of the person stating the
sentence. You can start by asking yourself “If I’d say this sentence, what would my need be?”
a. You’re always late.
b. You said that you would come to the meeting, and then you didn’t show up.
c. Everyone else in our team is better than me.
d. What he said was completely irrational.
e. When she designs the presentation, we always have to redo it.
f. This meeting is boring.
g. I hope I’ll be doing well in the presentation.
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Module 2 – Part 13
Exercise 4
h. He doesn’t stop talking. I wish he would shut up and listen.
i. My boss is so pushy and cold.
j. I am sick and tired when people come to our meetings unprepared.
8. Now, let’s get serious . Please transform each of the statements from 7 into an Authentic
Communication statement with an Observation, Feeling, and Need.
For example, (a) could sound like this: “When I see you come at 9:10am, I feel really concerned
about the effectiveness of our collaboration. I need to be able to count on everyone arriving on-time
(reliability).”
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9. To improve your skill to determine needs, listen to other people in meetings or on TV when they
make statements, and identify their needs.
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Module 2 – Part 13
Exercise 4
Component 4: Practicing Actionable Requests
10. Think of a recent conversation with someone that was dissatisfying. Give 1-2 Actionable Requests
you could have made.
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11. Which Actionable Request could you say to someone, which asks them to reflect back what you
have just said to them?
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12. Think of a recent situation where you asked something of someone. Did you make an Actionable
Request or a demand?
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13. For each of the following Authentic Communication statements (from previous section), please find
an Actionable Request you could make of the other person?
a. “When I see you come at 9:10am, I feel really concerned about the effectiveness of our
collaboration. I need to be able to count on everyone arriving on-time.”
________________________________________________________________________________
b. “When I hear you say you come to the meeting, and then you don’t attend, I feel angry. I
need to be able to count on agreements we make together.”
________________________________________________________________________________
c. “When I see Tom and Eve delivering presentations, I am concerned and nervous, because I
want to be more competent. I need to understand what I can do to develop the
competence Tom and Eve have – and how to increase acceptance in the team.”
________________________________________________________________________________
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Module 2 – Part 13
Exercise 4
d. “When I hear him say “You all just need to work harder”, I feel concerned about the way
we work together. I need more understanding for our existing workload.”
________________________________________________________________________________
e. “When I receive presentation drafts from Becky, I feel frustrated about the effectiveness of
our work. I need to understand how we can presentation drafts that don’t need one or
more revisions.”
________________________________________________________________________________
f. “When I hear the conversation, I feel bored. I need to understand the purpose of this
meeting.”
________________________________________________________________________________
g. “When I hear that I need to do the presentation, I am worried/concerned about my
performance. I want to understand what else I can do to make the presentation a success.”
________________________________________________________________________________
h. “When I hear him speak for several minutes, I feel really angry. I need to understand how
we can create meetings where all of have the same opportunity to state their ideas.”
________________________________________________________________________________
i. “When I hear him say “do the presentation right away” without asking how I feel about it, I
feel concerned about the way we work together. I need more understanding and inclusion
in the way we communicate and work together.”
________________________________________________________________________________
j. “When John didn’t bring his ideas to our meeting, I feel angry and frustrated about the
effectiveness of our team. I need to understand how we can assure that we stick to what
we agreed to, during meetings.”
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Module 2 – Part 13
Exercise 4
Part 2: Develop Authentic Communication Statements
Think of 3 situations with another person that dissatisfy you. This can be situations where you and the
other person have a disagreement, or where the other person’s behavior causes you distress.
1. For each situation, develop an Authentic Communication statement using the 4 components (When
I hear/ see…, I feel / I am concerned…, I need…, Actionable Request).
Situation 1:
Observation: ____________________________________________________________________
Feeling-Statement: _______________________________________________________________
Need-Statement: _________________________________________________________________
Actionable Request: _______________________________________________________________
Situation 2:
Observation: ____________________________________________________________________
Feeling-Statement: _______________________________________________________________
Need-Statement: _________________________________________________________________
Actionable Request: _______________________________________________________________
Situation 3:
Observation: ____________________________________________________________________
Feeling-Statement: _______________________________________________________________
Need-Statement: _________________________________________________________________
Actionable Request: _______________________________________________________________
2. To get a sense whether the statement “works”, go to a trusted person and read the statement to
them (not the person you are writing to).
Ask them whether what they would say if they heard this statement.
Ask them whether they would feel offended.
3. If you’d like, go to the person you are addressing with the statement. Tell them you would like to
address something with them, and then state the statement to them. See what happens!
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Module 2 – Part 13
Exercise 4
Answers
1. Observation or Evaluation
a. Whenever I speak to my boss, he doesn’t listen. Evaluation
b. My employee is not delivering on time. Evaluation
c. My husband isn’t expressing any affection. Evaluation
d. This is the fourth time you are expressing your dissatisfaction, this week. Observation
e. When you speak, you need to get to the point. Evaluation
f. You took the bicycle without my permission. Observation
2. Translation into an Observation (there are many other options aside from these)
a. The last 3 times I spoke to my boss, he interrupted me in the middle of the sentence.
b. My employee has not delivered his presentation on time for the last 2 times.
c. My husband hasn’t embraced me for 4 days.
e. When you explain product x to me and it takes 15 minutes…
4. Feelings or not?
a. You are driving me crazy. No
b. I am so angry that I have to do the presentation, again. Yes
c. I feel you are doing this on purpose. No
d. I understand how disappointing it is for you to do the presentation, again. No
e. Paul, I would feel really angry if this happened to me. No
f. I feel concerned that we don’t get the presentation done, in time. Yes
5. Translation into an Feeling Statements (there are many other options aside from these)
a. I feel angry.
c. I feel angry because I think you are doing this on purpose.
d. I see that you are really disappointed to do the presentation, again. I am concerned that we
don’t get our points across if we don’t clarify the presentation.
e. I feel concerned this happened to you, Paul. I would have been really angry.
7. Identify possible needs.
a. You’re always late. (Reliability, Respect)
b. You said that you would come to the meeting, and then you didn’t show up. (Reliability,
Respect, Integrity, Accountability, Effectiveness)
c. Everyone else in our team is better than me. (Competence, Acceptance, Respect)
d. What he said was completely irrational. (Understanding, Empathy, Respect)
e. When she designs the presentation, we always have to redo it. (Efficiency, Reliability,
Consideration)
f. This meeting is boring. (Purpose, Excitement, Challenge, Stimulation)
g. I hope I’ll be doing well in the presentation. (Competence, Acceptance)
h. He doesn’t stop talking. I wish he would shut up and listen. (Connection, Understanding,
Consideration)
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Module 2 – Part 13
Exercise 4
i. My boss is so pushy and cold. (Community, Understanding, Inclusion)
j. I am sick and tired when people come to our meetings unprepared. (Efficiency, Reliability,
Accountability)
8. Observation-Feeling-Need Statements.
a. “When I see you come at 9:10am, I feel really concerned about the effectiveness of our
collaboration. I need to be able to count on everyone arriving on-time.”
b. “When I hear you say you come to the meeting, and then you don’t attend, I feel angry. I
need to be able to count on agreements we make together.”
c. “When I see Tom and Eve delivering presentations, I am concerned and nervous, because I
want to be more competent. I need to understand what I can do to develop the
competence Tom and Eve have – and how to increase acceptance in the team.”
d. “When I hear him say “You all just need to work harder”, I feel concerned about the way
we work together. I need more understanding for our existing workload.”
e. “When I receive presentation drafts from Becky, I feel frustrated about the effectiveness of
our work. I need to understand how we can presentation drafts that don’t need one or
more revisions.”
f. “When I hear the conversation, I feel bored. I need to understand the purpose of our
meeting.”
g. “When I hear that I need to do the presentation, I am worried/concerned about my
performance. I want to understand what else I can do to make the presentation a success.”
h. “When I hear him speak for several minutes, I feel really angry. I need to understand how
we can create meetings where all of have the same opportunity to state their ideas.”
i. “When I hear him say “do the presentation right away” without asking how I feel about it, I
feel concerned about the way we work together. I need more understanding and inclusion
in the way we communicate and work together.”
j. “When John doesn’t bring his ideas to our meeting, I feel angry and frustrated about the
effectiveness of our team. I need to understand how we can assure that we stick to what
we agreed to, during meetings.”
11. Actionable Request asking someone to reflect back what you just said:
“Would you please / be willing to tell me what you just heard me say?”
13. Observation-Feeling-Need Statements (many possibilities – here some examples):
a. “What do you need to make that possible?”
b. “Can you let me know what you think about this?”
c. “Would you be willing to help me with that?”
d. “To ensure we’re all on one page, can we agree on a check-in process when we conduct
our meetings, so we are all on one page?”
e. “Would you let me know how we can make that work?”
f. “Would you let me know what you think about that?”
g. “Could we schedule a 30 minute call to clarify the expectations?”
h. “Can we take a moment to discuss how to do that?”
i. “Do you have any suggestions how I could bring that up with him?”
j. “What could we do to make this work?”
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Module 2 – Part 15
Exercise 5
Dealing With Conflicts
(10 Minutes)
Pick an unresolved conflict with another person: your spouse, your boss, a family member, or a
friend. Ideally, choose a conflict that is NOT highly emotional, but is more medium-intensity –
maybe a 3-6 on a scale from 1-10.
1. Go back to that person. Meet with them in person or call them up. Tell them: “I have been thinking
about the situation we discussed. I realized that I never asked what you really need (from me / from
others). Can you let me know?”
2. After you hear their need, try out your Active Listening skill: reflect back to them what you heard
their need to be. (You could say: “Let me make sure I understand: you really need...”).
3. If you don’t hit the mark, right away, listen to them, again – they will probably clarify it for you. The
other person might say: “No, that’s not it. I want you to...”
Reflect back to them, again, until they feel heard. “Oh. You really need more …..”
Reflect back to them until they say “yes” – and they are “heard empty”.
4. Remember the “Circle of Discretion”? What can you do right now with this situation? (E.g. speak
with people, walk away, etc.).
5. Once the other person is fully heard, respond using the 4-step communication approach: When I
hear/see… - I feel… - I need… - and the Actionable Request.
If you feel triggered by the situation and cannot say something using the 4 steps, right away, ask for
some time. Tell the other person: “I would like to think about that. Can I get back to you, tomorrow,
with my thoughts?” Use the time to reflect on and write down your 4-step statement.
6. How did the conversation to the other person change? How did the relationship change?
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