SOMETIMES

Sometimes....when you cry....

no one sees your tears.

Sometimes....when you are in pain....

no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes....when you are worried....

no one sees your stress.

Sometimes....when you are happy....

no one sees your smile.

But FART !! just ONE friggin' time.....

And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! And you thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

Investment Opportunity
Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.

A German Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines
that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

the Jewish mother ..…

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy & buys a pregnancy test kit.
The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.
Shouting & crying, the mother says: "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to
you? I demand to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone & makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A very distinguished
looking middle-aged man steps out of the car & enters the house.
He sits in the lounge with the father & mother & says: "Your daughter has informed
me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll
take charge. I will pay all costs & provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
He continues: "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail furniture
stores, a deli, a chateau in France & a £1m bank account."

He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores & a £25m
bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you
suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder & said:
"You'll try again."
Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an

old lamp.

He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie!

This genie, however was a little different.

He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,

"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the
two men considered their circumstances

Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was that had been
granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!

Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local
hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's
out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-
attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big
saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies,
"He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and
cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
Test your skills!

Another trick of Doctor Dementia to test your skills...

Can you meet this challenge?

We've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time we've seen
it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT
LOUD you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long,
way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.

7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.

To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following

paragraph, forward it on to your friends with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great
minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.

Can you raed this? Olny 55 people out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny
iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can
be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the
huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can
raed this forwrad it.
DEMOCRACY AND RACISM EXPLAINED.
An illegal Muslim immigrant kid asks his mother, "Mama, what's a Democracy and
what is Racism?"

"Well, son, Democracy is when British tax payers work every day so we can get all
our benefits, you know like free housing,
free healthcare, more welfare payments than British pensioners get, & on & on, you
know, that's Democracy".

"But mama, don't the British tax payers get pissed off about that?"

"Sure they do, that's called Racism!"

(Never more simply explained)

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that love using words in rather unique
ways,such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken
pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best one is held every
year.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping Centre, you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
What Confucius Did Not Say

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

~~~~~
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY..... "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood"

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.

He sits in the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded,
staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry
bloke bravely asks.
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.
"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to
his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli
back into the bowl.
The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."
Dr. Smith's Prescriptions
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Paterson about enlarging her breasts
Dr. Paterson advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and
say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely b00bs if she didn't recite the little rhyme,
she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby
doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr.
Paterson’s?

'Yes I am... How did you know?'

He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "

News just in....

A British Navy Destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards
Brighton.

"The captain gets on the loud haler and shouts

"Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"

One of the Muslims stands up and shouts,

"We are invading England!"

The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally
stops laughing, he gets back on the loud haler and says
"Just the four of you?"

The Muslim stands up again and shouts,

"No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
Aphorism = "A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever
observation or a general truth"

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become
a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many

people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a
car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m - for
example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print - there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a
Cadillac than in a Ford.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones
that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.
Evolution
SO VERY TRUE!!!!
NOW.....isn't this the
TRUTH?
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No,I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well,as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing.

As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied,and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied,
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."
Irish Sugar Test

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and
get my urine tested for sugar."
 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face
each other, but still they stay together..

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.?
Socrates

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, What does a
woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.??
It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
 'I've had bad luck with both my wives.?
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming?

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,?
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married??

Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.?

Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a
hundred letters.?
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous
 First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'?
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE
LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
I wonder why so many of the authors are
"Anonymous"???
The Jewish ELBOW

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with
his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the
front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is
on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your
elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.......

"What..... You're coming empty handed?"

_______________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I
wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful
wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'"?
_______________________________________________

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated
and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with
that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come
on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I
won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she
roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men... are men!
_______________________________________________
Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine!

Football Boots

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard
to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly,
she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard,not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a
little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a rugby ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard
together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is'
Boy - 'I have rugby boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '£750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and rugby ball, let's go
outside and have some practice.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's ten
times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you
confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he
closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says,
'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have

remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. Mark
Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to
have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad
one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to
breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol,
caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney
Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of
misery. - Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob
Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through
Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -
Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall
out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -
Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

O x y m oro n s

6. Why does "slow down" and

"slow up" mean the same thing?

7.. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"

Mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands"

When they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark"

When it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"

Make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and

A "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"

Mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics"

Not spelled
The way it sounds?

17. If all the world is a stage,

Where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind,

Why is lingerie so popular?

20. Why is bra singular

And panties plural?
21.. Why do you press harder
On the buttons of a remote control
When you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags

And garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated

Is such a long word?

25.. Why doesn't glue

Stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set

When you only have one?

27. Christmas
- What other time of the year
Do you sit in front of a dead tree
And eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway

I dunno, why do we?

And park on a driveway?

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

...
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore
raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be
raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized
from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody
Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They
don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the
British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from
"Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The
rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military
Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in
Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour"
and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried
about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully
designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the
old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right,
Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie
this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of
the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to
the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his
voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career,
the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole
place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz
chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical
expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a
jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his
playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get
up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs on to the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to
sing............

"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "

"The perfect answer!"

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The
driver is a real weirdo, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly
goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in
rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying
anything.
As the officer finished writing the ticket he put an "AH" in the lower right corner
of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then handed it to the 'violator' for his
signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy
points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says; "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an
asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he
hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer, is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
The Officer responds; "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."
The Lawyer then asks; "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on
this ticket you don't normally make?"
The Officer responds; "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there
is an "AH," underlined."
The Lawyer then asks "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

The Officer then responds; "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

The Lawyer then asks; "Aggressive and hostile?"

The Officer responds; "Yes, Sir."

The Lawyer finally asks; "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
The Officer responds; "Well sir, you do know your client better than I do!"
A story with a moral….
The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone..

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do.

Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
 Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows.

You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

Did you know that Cinderella is now 95 years old? Oh, how time does fly!

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking
chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat in her lap named
Bob for a companion.

Then suddenly, one sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy
Godmother.

Cinderella said, "Oh! Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?"

The Fairy Godmother replies, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last
saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns, do you want for
anything at all?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she
uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand-to-mouth
and disability check, to disability check, and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension.
...And instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold!

Cinderella said, "Oooh! Thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your
second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I were young and full of the
beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for many years.

And then the Fairy Godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what
shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to
transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind, handsome, dashing young man!"

"Done!" Said the Fairy Godmother.

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-

up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him
neither she nor the world had ever seen before!

The Fairy Godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life!"

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as
suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others' eyes. And
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she
had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held
her close in his young, muscular arms.

He leaned in close,blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered in
her ear...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me!"

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school.
They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black
boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the
required medical.
A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says
“Paddy, you realise you’ve
got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey
Cokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all
about.
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the
entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.
Well, that’s when it all kicked off.
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided
to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and
says
"Don't laugh, your next."

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see

the Bishop who said
"You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to
Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of
them."

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad,

I've got a part in
the school play as a man who's been married for
25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next
time you'll get a speaking part."

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women. The
prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman
turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though.
Her clothes arrived yesterday.
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook
status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997
XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old
escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap
top's been confiscated, and
the wife has gone back to her mother
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and
asks
"I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little
patient".
INTERESTING OBSERVATION .......
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY .

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people

in the Government playing.....

Marbles !!!!

Most of our generation were HOME SCHOOLED...at least in some ways.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14.. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents
like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to

Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St
Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is
suffering from an overload of godly souls
and we have been forced to put up an
Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease
the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does
the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two
days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are
there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the

swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think

about those questions and when I call
upon you, I shall expect you to have
those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those
three questions some considerable
thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called

upon the Blonde and asked if she had
considered the questions, to which she
replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two

days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some
time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to
the second of the three questions' St
Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a
year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How
did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the
second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of
December, giving a total of twelve
seconds..'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I
need some time to consider your answer
before I can give you a decision.' And he
walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to
the Blonde.. 'I'll allow the answer to
stand, but you need to get the third and
final question absolutely correct to be
allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell
me the answer to the name of the
swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three
questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is
the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he
paced this way and that, deliberating the
answer. Finally, he could not stand the
suspense any longer, and turning to the
blonde, asked 'How in God's name did
you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy

watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...

... you're singing it now,

aren't you�??
< /div>

Dementia Quiz

DEMENTIA QUIZ:

FIRST QUESTION:

Y OU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND

PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND
PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.

NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)

~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU
ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST
PERSON??

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS,

ARE YOU?
THIRD QUESTION:
V ERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10... WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS

ACTUALLY 4100...

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!

TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3... NINI, 4.
NONO, AND ???

~~~~~~~~~~
2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH

~~~~~~~~~~
DAUGHTER?

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.

HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,

I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM
YOURSELF:
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A
TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY
EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF
SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

~~~~~~~~~
IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
~~~~~~~~