volume 21 spring 2020 issue 2
the hegemonocle presents
briro’s
tales from the
quarantine
a farewell
to the 16th
president of
macalester
college
The MACALESTER
HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine
Volume 21, Issue 4
Spring 2020 (or year ONE of the Pandemic)
Quarantine Edition
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Maeghan Sullivan ‘ 20
Zoe Berkovitz ‘ 20
Managing Editor
Autumn Campbell ‘21
Head Writer
Ben Townsend ‘ 20
Treasurer/Social Media Influencer
Jared Jagler ‘ 22
DESIGN
Head of production
Kirk Lobban ‘ 21
STAFF
Finn Odum ‘ 21 Kate Sibla‘ 22
Lidija namike ‘ 21 Baxter Gordon ‘ 22
Austin Jesko‘ 21 Rennie Dicarlo ‘ 22
Ethan shaw and his mum ‘ 21
Niko Bjork ‘ 22 Julia Ricks ‘ 22
Coat rack ‘99
SHOUT OUTS
Class of 2020 -are we even graduating if graduation is over zoom?
The Hegemonocle - for continuing to produce shitty work during a shitty time
To zoom for stealing our data
MCSG for cutting our budget in half
First Years- it’s not usually like this, we promise
Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 1 1 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 1 1
Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle or email Hegemonocle@gmail.com
Dear Readers,
I am writing this from the deepest depths of hell, my room. The Hegemonocle
has been through plenty of struggles in this past year...but let me tell you, this takes the
cake. We can’t even call up daddy briro because, in fact, there is no more daddy briro to
call. We’ve been left without our trust fund, and most importantly, a proper goodbye :’(.
But seriously, I don’t know what to write about. I’ve declared this entire situation
entirely unfunny. Instead, I’ve created an essential bucket list for the class of 2020 to
complete upon graduation:
❏ Make your own PPE out of dryer sheets and toilet paper
❏ Get yelled at by the macalester police for ringing the bell because campus is
closed
❏ Buy five pounds of modeling clay to create a sculpture of Brian C. Rosenberg for
your senior class gift
❏ Climb to the top of the Carnegie fire escape, just to be quirky and also scared
because you fear heights
❏ Try to get a parent off of your class zoom call even though they “want to learn,
too”
❏ Have a parent say “fuck the mic’s on” during your capstone
❏ Zoom sex ;-)
❏ Google hangouts sex ;-)
❏ Real life sex
❏ Smoke weed on the weedian “one last time”
❏ Wake up in a cold sweat knowing you’ll never eat at cafe mac again
❏ Have a stress dream about the capstone you already wrote
Well, there you have it! All of the must-do’s before graduation slaps us all in the ass like
a newborn baby. I’m gonna miss this place ... this place being any place but my
childhood bedroom.
Like the great Dr. Seuss once said “don’t cry because it’s over, cry because quarantine
sucks and you miss your small private liberal arts college located in the vibrant city of
St. Paul, MN.”
Much <3,
Maeghan Sullivan ‘20
Zoe Berkovitz ‘20
Hege Quarantine Staff ‘20
I see you,
You think you’re
so fucking clever
But I see you. An , don’t you?
d I see what you’
And you were so ve done.
close to getting
But you got slop away with it too.
py, Brian. You ma
And now the whol de mistakes.
e fucking world
That you, Brian will know
Clifford Rosenber
Created COVID-19 g,
.
But you wanted to
get caught didn’t
That’s why you ma you, Brian?
de the virus an
And 19? You’re th anagram of your
e nineteenth pres name.
It was so obviou ident of Mac.
s.
And yet you got
away with it...
See you got slop Until now.
py.
See, as of 4/23/2
020 Minnesota ha
of COVID-19. s 2,721 confirme
d cases
And what’s 2,721
minus 739 equal?
That’s right. 19
82 - The year yo
career as an adju u began your acad
nct assistant pr emic
The Cooper Union ofessor of humani
in New York City 1 ties at
But why Brian?
What do you have
to gain from star
Unless… ting a global pa
ndemic?
Of course.
You knew this wa
s going to be yo
You knew you were ur farewell edit
going to be fuck ion.
You knew we woul ing torn apart.
d call you names
Like Brian Pees-I
n-His-Pants-enbe
(That’s being wo rg
rkshopped, copyri
Well too bad Bria ght Hegemonocle,
n. 2020)
I’m going to tell
them. Tell them
Goodbye Bor-ian all!
Is-Dumb-enberg
(Also being work
shopped plz don’
t steal).
1
https://en.wikip
edia.org/wiki/Br
ian_C._Rosenberg
Adobe Photoshop for What in god’s name will I do Mac Weekly riot during
Dummies without print media? quarantine???
Arts pg. 2 Opinon pg. 8 NOT CLICKBAIT pg. 20
EEEE
i’m not bad at InDesign YOUR YOU’RE bad at InDesign follow @hegemocle on twitter and tiktok for fortnite funnies
Deported Study Abroad Students More Annoying Than Ever
By Havid Dume Last Saturday, a shocking new report indicated that the Spring 2020 Study Away
Real Human Man students are at least 70% more likely to be pretentious assholes when they return
in the fall. The report was released by some poor Psych schmuck looking for an
for an easy capstone topic, and included interviews with a staggering seven study away returnees.
According to the author, many of the disappointed students are attempting to relive their
study abroad experiences while quarantined in their homes. This includes changing their Zoom
background to be their country’s most famous monument and speaking exclusively in a broken
version of whatever language they were studying. While that’s only a little endearing, the author
fears the students will carry out this behavior into the fall semester.
“You think that German Studies major who’s probably definitely named Emerson was
annoying?”, [REDACTED] said from an undisclosed location abroad. “Imagine how he’s going to
be now that he was actually in Germany for like, two weeks. Everything he’ll say will be nihilistic
and worse than your crit theory professor. I just Kant stand the thought of it.”
The alleged German Studies student refused to comment on the accusation. He declined our
Zoom call invite and then tweeted mean things about us until we cried.
Other students are already self-reporting obnoxious behavior from their deported friends.
One distressed junior wrote about her partner, who’d returned from France with a beret and a
sudden addiction to cigarettes.
“He’s insisting that I call him ‘Guy’ instead of his real name. All he does is talk about the
Louvre and the tragedy of Notre Dame! He was there for like, 16 days. How did he have enough
time to attach himself to a fucking church that burned down a year ago?*”
Study Away students aren’t just bemoaning the loss of their romanticized European coun-
tries. The report also quoted frustrated students who’d returned from countries in political turmoil.
After learning about Fall 2019 students who were moved due to political tensions, this semester’s
group was disappointed they couldn’t co-opt another culture’s movement. According to a white
male who spent a single week in an unnamed “developing” country, “How am I supposed to have
my Mac Moment if I can’t take pictures of myself with impoverished children?”
The report concludes that the students will form an identity collective for Study Abroad
Rejected Students (SARS). We predict the Legislative Board will shoot it down after Guy and the
Emmerson do nothing but quote philosophers at them for 30 minutes.
* We here at the Mac Weekly Hegemoncle would like to acknowledge that we do care about Notre Dame, and
are sad that it burned down like a year ago. We are definitely saying this on our own accord, and not because
there’s a deported study away student holding a gun to our heads and threatening to shove baguettes down
our throats until we retract the comment.
Hegemonocle Quizes News Videos
Fashion The 5 Haircuts You’ll Try During Quarantine!
1. The Wild Mane
You meant to get a haircut before the apocalypse quarantine, but now… oops.
But there’s something kinda fun about letting your hair grow freely. When this
is all over you can see yourself walking on the beach, hair blowing in the wind.
You’ll be sexy, beautiful, mysterious.
Sure it’s high maintenance, and currently it doesn’t look too fancy. But
eventually this has to look good… right?
2. Something Fun
You’ve always wanted to try bangs, but never had a messy breakup to blame
them on. But now you have this messy breakup with the everyday schedule of
going to campus which was your only anchor with feeling human! Plus, you can
always shave it all off if you hate it. Pull up a chair, your favorite pair of scissors,
and a nice, easy tutorial on youtube. It’s time to reinvent yourself!
Wait, what did they do there? Was I not supposed to cut all this off???
3. Personal Style
Who even wants the same hairstyle as SamDoesHair27? Plus they have a totally
different head shape. Yeah! You didn’t make a mistake! SamDoesHair27 did! Time
to make a hairstyle that is all yours! You’re a trendsetter, an absolute goddamn
fashionista. When you’re done, SamDoesHair27 will be so sad that they have a
degree in cosmetology and 10 years practice of cutting hair and couldn’t even
APPROACH your level of ABSOLUTE FUCKING GENIUS…
Oh god… no… no… NO
4. SHAVE IT ALL OFF
This is fine. This is great. Hell this is what you wanted to try all along isn’t it?!
After all, why would you have told yourself you can just shave it all off if you
hate the hairstyle if you didn’t really mean it?! Maybe this is what you wanted all
along, and that’s why you tried a hairstyle that could never suit you!
oH gOD My haiR,,,
5. HATS. YOU WEAR HATS NOW.
WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? I DON’T WANNA BE THAT PERSON
WHO WEARS HATS ALL THE TIME! I CAN’T GO TO MY ZOOM MEETING, THEY’LL
SEE MY HAT AND KNOW WHAT I’VE DONE! THEY’LL SEE THROUGH THE VENEER
AND PEER RIGHT INTO MY SOUL AND SEE MY SINS!
REPENT! I. MUST. REPENT!
This or that
HEGEMONOCLE EDITION
Dunn Bros Caribou Coffee
Scotty's The Atrium
Turck Hall Dupre Hall
your most awkward off campus basement
professor's office with sweatiest walls
First Year Roommate First Year Girlfriend
The light rail at The weedian on a
midnight monday
Crippling phone Crippling nicotine
addiction addiction
A somehow larger
pandemic
homework load
The Mac Weekly Hegemonocle
Hamm's ham
internship psych fuck yo internship
alone in your alone in your
apartment childhood twin bed
Are you tired of the same, untimely pop hits about “love” and
“relationships”? Are you looking for hip “bangers” for the pandemic times?
Well hold onto your asses and wait no longer!
Get ready for
Now That’s What I Call COVID-19!
The makers of Kidz Bop™ and the #2 pop hit Yummy bring you a boppin’
collection of new songs, all about the current epidemic!
These WHOLLY ORIGINAL and DEFINITELY NOT STOLEN songs are all about
COVID-19. Play them for your friends! Play them for your mom. Play them over
Zoom for your capstone class when you want to leave early!
We have hits from all genres. Love pop from the early 2010’s? Boy, do we got
some!
Zoom Romance
I want your lovin’ but not your disease / you and me could write a Zoom
romance
I’ll call you up at a quarter past ten / You and me could write a Zoom romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh / Caught in a Zoom Romance
Or try a more recent bop, written definitely by us!
Closer
So baby don’t get closer, please get back into your rover / you should really
disinfect it
Wear the mask that your mom made you / Pull the wipes out of the middle of
the Lysol that you stole / From your roommate back in Saint Paul / Please just
do not give me COVID
Want to relive your favorite mid-2000 emo vibes? Try this educational jam!
Somebody Told Me
Somebody told me / if you have Corona / and you drink salt water, it washes
the virus out of your body / now I’m not a doctor / but that doesn’t sound right
/ Flatten the / FLATTEN THE CUUURVE
That not doing it for you? Hopefully this country/hip-hop remix will amuse you!
I think!
COVID Road
Yeah, I’m gonna wear my mask on the COVID road / I’m gonna cry, ‘cause this
joke’s not good
I’m gonna wear my mask on the COVID road / I’m gonna make Jared write the
jokes instead
It’s 11:34 am,
Tuesday Amour du Quarantine
You send a message to my Macalester email A free-form poem by
no text body. Subject line: “u up?”
Of course not, baby, I’m on my first depression nap of the day
Just for you I cut it short Wake up at 3:41 PM
Late enough to miss my zoom lecture…
But never too late for you
I reply to your email
“Yea, u? ;)”
Oh God, I’m such a dumbass
Of course you’re up, baby. And why the hell did I send a winky face?
I spiral and head into the second depression nap of the day.
I wake up.
Sandwiched between 20 emails from my professor.
“RE: RE: u up?”
All that’s inside is a Zoom link for call here in 30 minutes.
My heart soaring, I change into my least dirty pair of sweatpants, and prepare for our call.
There you are
Beautiful, I can hardly tell you haven’t showered in weeks. And
the haircut you gave yourself only barely detracts from your beauty.
Maybe it’s the fact I’m really lonely. Or that porn hasn’t really been doing it for me lately,
But I must profess my feelings to you!
I begin baring my soul to you. A single tear is shed. My voice wavers with emotion.
You interupt I hope I pray! To tell me you feel the same
You tell me my mic is muted. I unmute, and begin again.
Hold on... my mom’s calling
Hello? Hi mom... What? Oh that’s great news, uh mom can I… oh… uh huh… oh, well tell Aunt Joan I say congratulations. Uh mom… yeah… mom,
I’m in the middle of some homework… yeah for chemistry… yeah, can I call you back later? Uh huh… ok… yeah mom, I love you too… yeah… bye
Sorry ‘bout that baby. My Uncle Henry just died.
and even though he was a horrific person
his death combined with the pandemic is making me contemplate my own mortality.
Can we do this another time?
We hang up. My heart aflutter from that 5 minute Zoom call
I masturbate vigorously
And I begin the third depression nap of the day
These times of quarantine have left many of our incoming Mac students locked
up at home and unsure of what the future holds. In order to lift their spirits, Mac
Admissions made the mistake of teaming up with the Hegemoncle for a new
promotional campaign. Of all the useless promotional posters they could’ve
bullshitted, this was what they came up with:
The Six Coolest Dads You’ll Meet at Mac
The (D)advisor Favorite Bon App Father Figure
• Either wants the best for you or • May or may not have let you slip into
wants to use your academic success Cafe Macalester just to “see your
for his own gain friends”
• Definitely lets you cry in his office • Gives you a hefty serving of cheesy
• Sometimes lacks tact like that time eggs
he called you into his office and told • Would wear a Kiss the Cook apron if
you that your Mac Weekly opinion he was allowed
article didn’t make sense and made • Pops
you CRY and you sTILL DON’T
UNDERSTAND WHY THAT WAS
NECESSARY, President Brian Rosen-Dad
JEREMY • Communicates only in movie quotes
• Cool Dad • Doesn’t get why his kids don’t call
him d*ddy anymore
• Leaving you for someone else the
Cool, Young Professor
way your real dad left you for his
• Relatable in an awkward but
second family in Tacoma
endearing way
• “Cool” Dad
• The button down says straight, but
the cuffed jeans scream bisexual
• Jokes about the word d*ddy but
only in the context of Freud “Visiting” Professor Who’s Been
• Stepdad Here for 5 Years
• Quotes philosophers but makes it
sound cool
Dad-partment’s Professor Emeri- • Definitely doesn’t awaken your
tus latent electra complex
• Unironically enjoys the feel of • Definitely also wasn’t the person
leather bound books who explained to you what an
• Keeps a bottle of scotch on the top electra complex was
left shelf in his office • D*ddy
• Will give you scotch if you let him
tell you about his time in the war
• Grand...Dad?
Social distancing outside the Twin Cities? Stranded in your childhood
home this Spring? Here’s a list of the bullshit your empty nester parents
are likely to pull:
» Asking about your plans everyday even though it’s a pandemic and all you do all day
is zoom classes and sit silently in an empty bathtub contemplating your uncertain
future.
» Convert your playroom into a “yoga studio”
» Blast a fast and furious movie during your online class
» Comment, “wow you came out of your cave” every time you leave your room.
» Renovate the house, literally taking a sledgehammer to the foundation of your
childhood home.
» Watching the parental affection you yearn for be redirected to a small dog.
» Insist you watch the Lego Batman movie with them for the fifth time because “it’s
just so damn funny!”
» Make you worried yet grateful you can’t hear them loudly make love anymore
» Stuff the kitchen drawers with the most niche appliances possible. I mean why the
fuck do we need a ‘zucchini tickler’?
» Eat all the GODDAMN GRAPES you RISKED
YOUR LIFE going to the store for.
» Play the Dave Matthews Band incessantly so
your misery has a fitting soundtrack
» Discuss worst-case hypothetical scenarios of
your future
» Forwarding you info about online classes even
though you have 10+ extensions in your
current classes.
» Decide to divorce after years of loud arguments
and countless silent meals
Effects of the “Stay at home MN” Initiatives:
• Dogs are now 9000% more swole
• Lima beans saw a dramatic increase in sales, but no increase in household
consumption
• Levels of antidepressants consummed up by 55% as the population realized that
therapy shouldn’t be held over zoom
• Jared learns Tiktok dances, Hegemoncle social media goes viral
• Follow us @hegemonocle on instagram and twitter
• First years now all share something other than chlamydia
• Most residents are now used to that one couple having really loud sex
• Extroverts: Devastated, Introverts: Unaffected
• Austin got some serious levels on runescape
• Mastered animal crossing
• Got all of the first years to finally fucking leave campus
• Neil’s Humanities’ ghost now haunts campus
• Finn is now 77% thirstier for non-existant authority figures
• Campus squirrels thinner than ever
Katie J. Smith-Jones-Bakersonski
May 4 at 9:40 PM
During the quarantine I’m seeing a lot of people changing up their style. Cutting
their own hair, wearing fun clothes that otherwise they wouldn’t wear, that kind of
basic shit. But me? I’m reinventing my whole self.
That’s right, jerks. Next time you see me, you won’t be able to recognize me. Gone
will be the days of sitting in the back of the classroom, staying quiet. This new me
will speak up in class, pick fights. And then as soon as someone disagrees with this
new me? I’ll start crying. And new me will not stop. New me will go to cry in the
restroom, come back, and as soon as I make eye contact with the teacher, get
ready for those waterworks. Cuz that’s just how new me rolls. Can’t deal with it?
Well too bad.
Yeah, I’m trying new clothes too. Sweatpants and hoodies are a thing of the past.
New me will strut to class wearing a dress, overalls, whatever strikes my fancy.
New me doesn’t give a fuck what you think. That is, of course until someone says
something positive but there was something about their tone of voice or
something that made me feel like it wasn’t genuine and now I’m noticing the way
people are looking at you and oh god this was a mistake. Then it’s fucking crying-
in-a-hoody-time, babey.
No longer will the 3rd floor of the library be my hangout of choice. Hell no. This
new me is totally an idea lab kinda gal. That is until I discover it fucking sucks
working in the idea lab. Then it’s back to the 3rd floor. Will I ever return to the idea
lab? Who’s to say - new me is mysterious like that. But the answer is no. I cried on
my way out. It’s too awkward now.
And guess what? New me, new major. Say adios to Ms. Spanish major and say hola
to Ms. Latin-American Studies. And that decision is super impulsive, because new
me isn’t scared of mixing things up. Yeah, I only contemplated this for a year now.
New me’s name’s gonna be Kale. Yeah, like the leafy green vegetable. Got a prob-
lem with it? Sucks to hear, because when the teacher calls for Katie, she’s gonna
get corrected. Uh, ma’am, it’s motherfucking Kale now. Will I regret that decision?
Uh, of fucking course. Will I immediately drop those classes and cut off contact
with any classmates who heard me say my name is Kale? You can fucking bet on it.
So adios old me, see you when my radical new self-concept inevitably collapses
and we’re back to the old norm.
Liked by Katie’s Mom and 0 others...
This is what the cover of this issue
might’ve looked like if it wasn’t for
FUCKING COVID-19
w e l l
Fare From Mac
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See you CC 206
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