The MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine
Volume 27, Issue 2
Fall 2023

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Head Of Production

Dan Bially Levy ‘24 Rene’e Gonzales ‘24*
Daniela Martinez Partida ‘25

STAFF
Lillie Grouws ‘24 Hans Haenicke ‘25 Talia Ostacher ‘25*

Paul McGinn ‘26 Audrey Lester ‘26 Georgia Richter ‘26

Anna Fratto ‘27 Merce Lutzker ‘27 Sarah Tachau ‘27

Sophia Woods ‘27 Clea Gaitass ‘27 Coat Rack ‘99

* Study abroad

SHOUT OUTS
The old CC doors, gone but never forgotten

Birmingham Mike, for having the same InDesign Question as us

All of Anna’s friends that show up just to hang out

Scott Legge for “short kingdomship”

Victor Wembanyama, also for being a short king

Another short king, Susan Riviera (not to be confused with Macalester

College President Suzanne Rivera)

All the other short kings of the world (kevin hart, for example)

Dwayne the rock Johnson for being mean to kevin hart

Chris Morgan (who doesn’t know kevin hart, but who we mention here for the
rule of threes)

Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11

characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely satirical.
Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle
email: Hegemonocle@Macalester.edu
 White Stuff
I am a California girl.

I love the sun and warmth

I moved to MN with no thought of the north
this morning the sky was clear
yet there was white stuff falling down
is this a cocaine Christmas?
[it’s not even Christmas… Mariah Carey where are you?]
and why’s it wet and cold?
I attempt to look cute all bundled up
what would a lululemon mom wear when it’s negative ºC?
what am I vaping now?
oh wait that's my breath
snow hits my hair giving me natural highlights
but maybe i’m delulu
I can’t feel my toes

I am a California girl-
experiencing the snow.

BACK
BRING
R
SUMME

NO

ELSA
PLZ

by: anna fratto

 HOLIDAY
HOLIDAY GIFT
GIFT GUIDE
GUIDE FOR
FOR
LOVED
LOVED ONES
ONES
2
lef
t s
ho
es
Texas Tito’s Pickle Bar Soap

ashes f illed cigs

Granny

o f st
i e s lea ies
p r r
co thei se
A headlamp because
3 e ite it’s too dark to read
h
t avo r
f

A Map (For
the Dad who
didn’t come
back)

Fishnet legging
for the dad who
likes fishing <3

Open
box :>
 HOLIDAY
HOLIDAY GIFT
GIFT GUIDE
GUIDE FOR
FOR
LOVED
LOVED ONES
ONES
For the Mom who loves to cook:
A body you need to dispose of!
For the Parent who
didn’t take
rock :)
care you:
A good thing that
happened to you
that they can take
credit for!
For the
unemployed
cousin

This silly guy!

A copy of Magic Mike
that totally wont Coming soon hopefully
make ur 7 yr old son
gay or make your
sexually repressed
wife horny

X The wig from

The Shining
(or if you’re a
rich bastard,
get a hair
transplant)
HOLIDAY
HOLIDAY GIFT
GIFT GUIDE
GUIDE FOR
FOR
LOVED
LOVED ONES
ONES
Live performance
of “Cup Song”
A signed copy of The from Pitch
Rat Movie: Mystery of Perfect
the Mayan Treasure

an apology for all

the bad things
you've done to
people that care
about you

A Noah Centino “are you

going to show me how you
squirt?” cameo

Your bitch ass eight

year-old daughter will
sing a Christmas carol in
her nasally little fucking
head voice that she
thinks sounds amazing
and hold you hostage
cause apparently you
can’t be free to get up
from your chair in your
own god damn home
HOLIDAY
HOLIDAY GIFT
GIFT GUIDE
GUIDE FOR
FOR
HATED
HATED ONES
ONES

Cyanide
 Macalester to Debut New Streaming Service

Pictured: A campus
squirrel captured on
camera in the project’s
testing phase. They
were not compensated
for their appearance.

The Macalester
Board of Trustees
has decided to
dedicate a
whopping $25 of
the annual budget
to installing a shitty
trail cam in an Olin
Rice stairwell and
operating a 24/6 (tech guy Paul requires Thursdays off) live broadcast from
it. The rationale behind this purchase is to provide a cheap source of
entertainment for regular donors and the two students who still have
enough free time to experience boredom. “By providing this feed, we can
eliminate the need for the college to pay (read: shell out) for a more costly
streaming service, like HBO Max.” says trustee Parker T. Olson. “We had a
lot of success in our testing phase. Using footage from cams in the campus
trees was quite a hit until the squirrels threatened to sue. While
unfortunate, it reminded us that just using a standard service seems
impersonal, and doesn’t match the prestigious image of Macalester we want
to curate. By investing in our own indoor live feed, we are fostering a
personal connection between the campus community and the content they
consume.”

Reception to the announcement has been mixed. While many

professors and community members had tepid reactions, students have
expressed concerns that the live feed will create problems for the campus
Wi-Fi network. A student who wished to remain anonymous put it this way:
“Eduroam already disconnects every time I correctly remember my Moodle
password, so it doesn’t need to get worse trying to support a live feed. And
if they use their Macalester Gadgets network to support the stream, then
they have to make sure it doesn’t burden the system and slow everything
else down. It’s hard enough to get my toe pics to upload on schedule as it is.
Plus, those test feeds creeped me out. They were in the trees, but every now
and then I could swear I saw a pair of human eyes staring at me.” Olson
declined to comment on these concerns.

Interested Macalester community members can join the fun and start
following all the hottest stairwell action for free on Sunday. The new feed
will go live at midnight and will begin to capture everything from broken
STEM majors’ weekly mental collapses to oblivious newcomers’ fumbling
first make out sessions. If this service gains enough traction, board
members have proposed installing other feeds in active locations such as
inside Leonard Center dance studios and Janet Wallace practice rooms, on
the roof of Old Main, and within President Rivera’s dedicated blazer closet.
“Hopefully the community appreciates the time and effort we put into this
endeavor,” chuckles Olson. “Maybe this will even get them off our back
about divesting.”
 Holiday Recipes
1950s Vintage Edition

With the holiday season upon us, now is a great time to enter the world of cooking. After
looking to the past for some inspiration, we at the Hege have compiled a list of culinary
concoctions that will impress your relatives and show that you are true marriage
material. If you are hopped on prescription Quaaludes and have a special craving for
cold meats and Jell-o stuffed in a Bundt pan, look no further.
 Three Course Meal
Appetizer, Entree, and Dessert

Ham and Hollandaise Bananas

The savory and sweet combination is
popular in dishes across the world. Now get
ready for a version of that with flavors and
textures that, like your marriage, don’t go
together at all! Nothing will ignite holiday
spirit quite like being confronted by whole,
peeled bananas, room temperature lunch
meat and slightly congealed egg yolk sauce.

Aspic Layer Cake

For the main course, we suggest a dish that
combines all the staples of 1950s cooking.
Lunch meat, unseasoned canned
vegetables, cheese (legally known as
cheese product), and of course gelatin.
This is sure to give the older folks the warm
nostalgia of segregation, criminalized
homosexuality, and Mommy’s Little Helper.

Cranberry Sauce Candles

We know you can’t get enough of those
gelatinous and slightly mushy textures, so this
is the perfect finisher for a holiday meal. All
you need is a wick and some cranberry
sauce, preferably the kind that maintains the
exact shape of can, ridges and all. This dish is
not only a very edible dessert, but also serves
as a table centerpiece, so your guests can be
slightly unnerved the whole time.
 Rejected Capstone Ideas
aud
gtax fr
m ittin Economics
Com
Capstone: For my capstone project I will be depriving a
small rural village in Idaho of food, water, and all other
modern essentials and amenities to see how well they can
invest their money, which I have replaced with monopoly
money. No, they are not getting an equal amount of
money because we need at least one asshole billionaire to
make it as close as possible to exploitative capitalism and
the lie that is trickle-down economics. Also, I’ll be giving
everyone a free Tesla so that their taxes rise
exponentially. Macalester can pay for the Teslas, right?
Note from a Professor: Don’t forget to exhume Ronald
Psychology Reagan’s cold, dead corpse and build a shrine to it. That’ll
Capstone: I would like Macalester’s permission to kidnap- I mean rehome really sell the vibe.
the campus squirrels and perform ethically questionable experiments on
them to see if they are capable of malice. If they are not, I will be very
disappointed in them and will perform the necessary lobotomies to incite
their urges for wrongdoing. Once that is done, I plan to train them into Classical Mediterranean and Middle East
committing crimes like jaywalking, petty theft, and second degree murder. Capstone: I’ve always been fascinated by politics in
Note from a Professor: Unnecessary. I already know that squirrels are Ancient Rome. I was really hoping that maybe for my
capable of violence. RIP my ex-wife. capstone I could write a rigorous analysis on the politics
of mandated assassination. Perhaps part of the research
would involve reenacting the assassination of Caesar. I’ve
already gotten 100 of my countrymen together to act as
the conspirators, and we have sharpened our daggers (I’m
worried that only around 23 will show up, though). Maybe
one of Daddy Mac’s more disposable faculty members
could volunteer to play the role of Caesar? Pwetty
pwease 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺?
Note from a Professor: Silence, bottom.

Computer Science
Capstone: 01001110 01100101 01110010 01100100
Note from a Professor: Well, fuck you too.
Religious Studies
Capstone: Through collaboration with the loveable freakos in the
Hegemonocle department, I have decided to form a cult. Part of the
capstone project will involve regular ritualistic sacrifices of freshmen and
the creation of MLM schemes to appease our lord and savior Hegenold.
Interested in joining? Here’s our pamphlet. Slight warning that we will
require you to perform voluntary bloodletting during initiation. Also,
Macalester, could you fund one of our communes in the Veggie House for
us thx?
Note from a Professor: We need to bring back the Crusades.
Geography Biology
Capstone: I want to travel the world as an Capstone: I will be creating an STD and spreading it around campus to test its
aspiring cartographer and chart the efficacy. For too long I have remained bitchless, holed up in the deep dank
landscapes I visit a la Marco Polo except recesses of the second floor of OLRI, never once having felt the sensual touch
without the Spanishness. I may cause a of a boob or man titty. The malevolent chimes of the sex bell shall taunt me
few pandemics here and there by no longer. This is my revenge. If I cannot get a taste of that stanky ass cooch,
spreading indigenous diseases, but it’s all then no one can.
in the name of science. Note from a Professor: I recommend you collect some lingering stains from
Note from a Professor: Marco Polo was Paul Fischer’s chem dungeon. You should find some good samples there.
Venetian, you dumb bitch.

Educational Studies
Capstone: For my capstone I will be discussing how to live on minimum wage
while building the mental fortitude to withstand the insistent and relentless
onslaught from the Karen army who are trying to get me fired for allowing
their children to gaze upon the magnificence of Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Joke’s on
them, drag queens in bars at 4 AM give better advice than I ever could. If that
doesn’t work out, then I could also just write a board-certified apology that I
don’t sincerely mean.
Note from a Professor: You’re doing God’s work, soldier.

Linguistics
Capstone: Speech impediments are too much of a social stigma. Children with
speech impediments are bullied by their peers, and thus pressured into never
speaking again. The solution is simple; I propose we make it so that from this
point forward all language teachers will be replaced with people with speech
impediments. This way, we can breed an entire generation with speech
impediments. I believe this is a step toward true equality.
Note from a Professor: I am disappointed in you in at least twelve different ‘Sup, ho
languages.

French and Francophone Studies

Capstone: In order to fully immerse myself in French culture, I decided to take
up chain smoking to better understand the French mindset. For the past six
months, I have maintained a consistent rate of one pack of Marlboros per day.
Mes clopes quotidiennes si vous voulez. In addition to these cigarettes, I am
supplementing my respiratory diet with the fumes from burning rubber tires.
My hope with this process is to be able to unlock the higher level of
understanding and mental capacity observed in jort-wearing French tourists
who abruptly stop in the middle of sidewalks to point at random buildings.
Note from a Professor: The French have some words for you, all of them with
unnecessary consonants..
 Posted on Dec 8, 2023

Winter Clothing Aesthetic Guide

don’t be offended if this is how you dress daily

THE BRO THAT GIRL

basic champion calvin klein
hoodie gray beanie beanie

hand crocheted
mittens

nike socks

aritizia puffer

ugg minis

shrek crocs as
attempt to be funny gray sweats
to show off that print lululemon leggings
to show off that clASS

Comments
fashionista1111: to the girlys --> fleece lined leggings so you can still wear mini skirts!

il0vetheCold: does anyone else just love sitting naked in the snow? clothes are overrated

DaddyJackFrosty: I can make you feel warm on the outside and inside ;)
 THE
EXPEDITIONER
a hat that makes you look
like a roblox character
MN vikings hat

ray ban
sunnies

dirty
wife beater
gloves
so your fingies
don’t freeze

jacket you took from

a scientist in the tundra

50+ SPF

ankle reebok socks 2" inseam

swim trunks
2 is average

arctic level boots

nike slides
snow strom approved pants

Recommended Retailers: Tips on staying warm

Columnbeeuh 1. hot cocoa AND ethanol
REI 2. layer up
Patagoosea 3. sit in the sun like a lizard
Canada moose 4. snowball fights
The North Place 5. “wrestling” with your partner*
Jegknulletmorendin *unless ur single then you should grab your homie’s dick

Your Dad’s closet there’s a lot of warm blood there

 Tales from a Mac Party
It was a Friday night… oh, wait nevermind. Nothing happens on Friday. It was a Saturday
night… It is your 4th beer. Your dorm isn’t as musty as usual. You cleaned up a little bit so your 3
other boys could come and listen to some juice wrld with you. The beer was semi-cold. You know
when you smuggle the beer back from the liquor store and you put it in your fridge, so it's cold,
but not cold enough? It becomes more bearable each time you take a sip and do a cool little nod,
while your legs are dangling off the side of your bed. The 3 friends turn into 15 people, half of
them you have never seen before. All the chairs are gone. Time to take some from the common
room.

“Let’s do a shot,” says your friend. It’s a plastic smirnoff bottle, half drunk. As it leaves his
clearly sick-ridden lips, you take a swig. Now it's serious. “Yooo I heard McCockadoo street is
throwing”. Huh? How many streets are there in this fucking area? All you know is that you have
to take the A line and walk a few blocks, then you are there. Every Mac party is 12 minutes away.
Every single one. Seriously, test it next time. It will take exactly 12 minutes. You quickly stop in
the bathroom and whip out some deodorant. Cologne or more sophisticated hygiene was too
much. Funny enough, everyone going to the party that night didn’t even wear deodorant. You are
a Macalester one percenter. Stumbling down the stairs. Others take the slow elevator. You will get
outside the dorm first. God dammit, it’s cold as fuck.

The sweatshirt with spilled booze warms you up a little bit. But the 5 beers in your hoodie pocket
turns them back to ice. You drink 2 of those beers at the bus stop, you give one away to a girl who
won’t talk to you for the rest of the night, another gets chugged on the bus, and the last one is
given to your one boy who conveniently didn’t bring shit.

12 minutes later, the *insert generic douchebag sport* house on McCockadoo street is absolutely
bussing (this was a phrase 7 months ago, that’s why Mac students love to use it). The cold breeze
on your face and the thoughts that start flowing through your body as you enter is unmatched.
“Am I getting lucky tonight?”
“Fuck, I’m drunk as shit. Where’s the beer tho”
“I'm super hungry. I think I have some chex mix back at home. That’s gonna
become a problem later”
“I want to fight someone”
And then it all goes south. What happened to the freezing cold? Oh yah, 80 people are packed in a
fucking basement with winter clothes on. You might as well, honestly, be in a desert at this point.
It’s statistically less hot in Qatar than at a Mac party (proven).

“YOOOOOOOO, WHAT’S UP BRO” *aggressive dap-up and hug*

- That one dude in your 9:40 that you never, ever talk to. Neither of you know each
other's names. #friendsforlife #youwillstartdoinghomeworktogethernow
And then there it is. The view of the party. A basement. Some dude who thinks he's Skrillex on
the turntable. One Dirty pong table. Rage cage is getting set up. Dirt in every cup. Must
everywhere (this is where public hygiene really needs to come into play, people). Moving around
and squeezing through people at a slanted angle with both your hands in the air, because
awkwardly standing there is way worse. You start to question everything.

Then comes the decision of the night. The red sea parts to the left and to the right. Forced with an
impossible decision. The crumpled case of hamms near the leaking sump pump, heavily guarded,
but worth it. And then the girl who you gave your beer to at the bus stop. You want both the
extremely warm beer and the opportunity to rizz. You make the wrong decision.

“What’s your major?” A tried and true classic. But a failure. The gateway closes, you try to
weave for the beer, but it's too late. Half of your friends are gone. They walked in, said “nope”
and left. You had zero clue. There are two dudes left that you know: The one leaving with a girl,
and the weird one that you are definitely not walking home with.

Lime scooter it is. *doodadadoo* as you scan the QR code. Vision is in and out, motor functions
at 10%. You will make it home. As you pick up speed, weaving super hard to not hit something or
crash, the wind strikes your face and you come back into consciousness. What the hell were you
doing? Those chex mix will not be enough. Fuck. You are so close to getting back, and you
absolutely wipe out on the corner of Grand Ave and Snelling. What other street! It's the only one
anyone knows, quit acting like you know MN, btw. That is all anyone says. Grand Ave, or
Snelling. You aren’t google maps, so please shut up.

Those cuts and bruises will hurt a ton in the morning, but you are numb. Wobbling up to your
dorm room, you fiddle with the key for 30 seconds, giving your roommate time to know that you
will be entering (also you are literally so drunk you can’t open the door). You do not brush your
teeth, you eat as much as you possibly can, do not consume any water, and fall asleep with all of
your clothes on.

You wake up in the morning. Your stomach really hurts. You have 8 essays, 2 problem sets, and 5
discussion posts to get in before Monday. You check your phone and find out you messaged 27
people, sent 4 DM’s, and texted your mom that you were “scared”. It is 11:05AM

Time to hit the library.

 Daniela Lillie
(Negative) 6 Doc said she was 5’3”
feet tall to make her feel
Emo (still) better
Getting Breaks her glasses in
fucked up on free time
Applebees
Dollaritas

Audrey
Clear pee
Bestower of
Citrus
Month old pie Dan
5’2” (the extra inches
went elsewhere (ear
hair))
Watch Dan shake!
Yay Dan!

Rene’e
6’9”
Blooming hedgehog general
Ultimate namer of
hedgehogs
Still in Japan cuz fuck u
 Paul
5’7” (5’10” in
Daniela’s heels)
Likes bears
Cryptkeeper of the
anthro department

M
E
R
C
E

When he wakes
Anna up, his mind
From LA, to no one’s Wait, what’s hentai? expands
surprise Reads the pieces
Not “short” at 5’ 4” when they come
Only person that out with the
Wait, what’s yaoi?
manages to get other
magazine
people to come here (pls
Wait, what’s edging? Capstone topic is
com :()
going to be on
Yaoi
“Only” a furry to
pwn the liberals
(AKA Audrey)

Hans
6’1” since it Georgia
matters Caffeine
Token blond addiction
“hetero” Owner of Celsii
Future drunk Golf Mafia
novelist, Lesbian Anime
future drunk Enjoyer
Really fucks
with word
searches