THE MACALESTER WEGEMONOCLE PROBABLY MACALESTER'S FURST... AWD HOW LAST... HUMOR MAGAZINE Vouuee 25, Issve) Fae 2622 Heap OF Peopverion Zoe Roos ScHEvERMAN ‘2 Rewe'e Gonzales ‘2 Daw BIALLy Levy ‘2 Auta PEERSEN ‘23 Emma MaLcoLm ‘23 Moreau Niven ‘2 JAYDEN Swiccate ‘2X CORGAN ARCHULETA ‘2Y Daw Biacty Levy ‘2¥ Rory Dowacny ‘2 Tavcor SieTHoRe ‘2 Ross KoceL ‘2 Emypius Montes ‘24 TaLia Ostacnee 2S DawieLa Maenez ‘2S Haws HAENICKE 25 Pave MeGinu ‘26 Gearon RicuTER ‘26 Eva Stem 26 Coar Rack 99 SHOVT OUTS HAROLD Is DOCUMENT SERVICES, FOR BEING MORGAN'S BOSS! THE QUEEN'S GRAVE, FOR BEING AN ALL-GENDER BATHROOM PARENT'S WEEKEND, FOR IMPROVING THE DATING POOL (MY PARENTS, FOR NOT COMING TS PARENTS WEEKEND THE OLRI ONE DOOR, FOR BEING THE ONLY ONE LEFT THE GRILLE, FOR FINALLY GETTING THE GOOD TENDIES BACK FOUMDERS: MIKEY FREEDMAN ')) AND Danwy ROCKLIN “I CHARACTERS APPEARING INI THIS WORK ARE FICTITIOUS. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD, (5 PURELY SATIRICAL. FOLLOW US OW INSTAGRAM AND TWITTER: @HEGEMONOCLE EMAIL: HEGEMONOCLE@MACALESTER.EDUDEAR READERS, Welcome to a new year of Hege! We're your editorial spring chickens, Dan "Danimal” Bially Levy and Zoe “insert funny name here” Roos Scheuerman. To the class of 2026, if you were just trying to go to the Loch for lunch and a stranger shoved this into your hands, wl Ma you may be wondering, is the Hegemonocle? Is it recyclable? Is it good for sopping up the Cafe Mac “Asian sauce” when they run out of napkins? Maybe. But it’s also Macalester’s worst and only humor magazine. Whether you came to Mac quaking in your boots or ready to dominate class, we're guessing that reality is setting in by now. The rose-colored glasses are coming off. Cafe Mac stopped trying to impress you. That’s where we come in, ready to hydraulic-press all the stress out of you with our low-quality jokes and five-bit puns. We're your quarterly reminder to read a magazine, drink Hamm's (please sponsor us), and to keep in mind that life is a sick joke. ‘And to our loving, dutifully loyal returning audience, please don't stop reading our magazines. Please. Pretty please. Our self-esteem is already so low. There's a million imposter syndromes in here. We can't be Niko, Jared, and Sophia, but we're trying our best. Really, truly. So take pity on us when writing your I-star letterboxd reviews. At least give us a star and a half. That's all we can ask for. It’s not our fault that you can’t buy sushi on flex anymore. We hope all of you, regardless of school year or exhaustion level, will enjoy all the pieces presented herein by our fresh new crop of Hegemonocle writers. I'd say we put our blood, sweat, and tears into this issue, but really, all of that has been used up by oppressing homework and on-campus jobs. So really, we put everything we had, however little it was. Much like the football team is, according to the Mac Weekly, in a “dominating new era” after beating Martin Luther College (Where's that?) 43-7 (Why do we know the numbers?}swe'r peI0g to do our best to manifest success despite all odds. So, without furth@na ae would love to present our first issue of 2022-2023: The Hege Tiltns a NAv\| Bs YOUR CO-EDITORS IN CHIEF, ZOE AND DAN '24Summ: HOST ORGANIZATION: JIMMY JOHN'S: Student Exp. Graduation, Hometown: Willard Palmer Spring 2024 St Paul, Minnesota Majoris): Minor(s): Concentration): Neuroscience urmom ‘ood, agricature, and society Project Description © What did you do this summer? | interned with Jimmy John’s as a sandwich artist. How did you get this internship? Iscoured Handshake for hours but couldn't find anything that would help me further my passion for sandwiches. Ina sad state, | trudged to Park Liquors and that’s when it hit me. The sign spinner apologized and said it was their first day, but I was beyond thankful for the cardboard induced bruise on my forehead, Jimmy John's was my calling, What did you learn? 1, Always have one in-progress email for the day. That way, you can pull it up when your boss walks by and look like you're hard at work. 2, Ifyou get a BeReal notification at work, be mindful of that flash! It can really catch you and your customer off guard! And then of course, you have to internally debate if its tooo00 real or real enough where vou still look kinda good but not like that good but oh shit the stupid fucking customer has their credit card in the shot (why the hell did they have it out already? I was only up to the tomato portion of the sandwich??!) So now I have to retake it, but what ifit looks like I'm posing this time around!?! god dammit, I forget what my face looks like relaxed. How do I make my face look like I'm not trying to make it look like something? 3. Wear gloves when you make a sandwich. This may seem counterintuitive because feeling the crisp, yellow-green lettuce with your sweaty, calloused (yet gentle), bare fingers is how you determine freshness, >but working with mayo can get messy, and gloves prevent your hands from getting too slimy, But...who are we kidding? There is no better feeling than your thick, grubby fingers taking adive into cool, slightly wilted greens. 4, Always taste your work! Make sure to take a bite of the sandwich before giving it to a customer so you can feel confident that it is delicious enough to sell.How did your Mac education help you? 1 Balling on a budget! Having to pay $2000 to get credit for an internship put me back alittle financially (especially because Jimmy John’s pays me in chopped onions) but lucky for me American serving sizes are too damn big! There was always sandwich remains to be found in the garbage and I ended up spending only '$20 on groceries per month! How to talk without saying anything. I've perfected my participation driven statements at Macalester College, and this helped me in customer service! When someone complaired about bites being taken out of their sandwich I was able to divert their attention and start listing some fun facts I remember from high school. How to research. Being a neuroscience major, I have vast experience in writing research papers. I was able to apply this to my love of sandwich composure, where I observed human and sandwich behavior in Jimmy John’s. By the end of the summer, I was able to determine that staff being forced to wash their hands would increase our health inspection score by 2 letter grades! Here I thought those epidemiology readings were fictional! 10.19. 2022 WEDNESDAY NO. 123456789 Joe Manchin ST. Paul, MN — Minneapolis Police Department has come under fire for their slogan painted on patrol cars, “Most Trusted Department in America” which critics argued was wildly unrealistic, considering the department's sole source of name recognition being their responsibility for the murder of innocent civilian George Floyd. We asked a random sampling of Americans their opinion on the issue. Professional Oil and Gas Lobbyist “How dare you impugn the honor of our men and women in blue! Without cops, how will their wives get beaten and de facto segregation enforced?” Vanessa Hudgins Teacup Pig Stylist “That seems like the worst possible slogan. It's like Pearl Harbor naval base having the slogan ‘Least Surprised Naval Base". Chet Hanks 2222 "Yo, waddup, !'m Chet Hanks"@ tmaremyaoes v Bi Post ER) images & Video @ Link Polt ‘A Week in the Life of a Campus EMT 34/300 Bié@g@sSeoXO TEHEEWMDO BHD eT Mode Day one set a great precedent for the rest of the week. I've been having to work the majority of my shifts alone after my former coworker got fired for stealing morphine and reselling it on Craig's List. The rest of the day was fairly typical: got a few calls about people getting undercooked rice grains lodged in their throats at Cafe Mac, ‘campus safety ran over someone with a golf cart, and couple students DIYed some chloroform in the chem labs and were found passed out in a janitor’s closet. The next day I got a report about a first year who thought doing shots of Everclear was a good idea. Found him asphyxiating in the Dupre all-gender bathrooms. More calls ‘came about a suspected overdose from some girls who snorted “cocaine.” I quess someone forgot to tell them that you're much more likely to get struck by lightning than find cocaine with actual cocaine in it. Wednesday I got to administer my first rabies shot after a call about a feral squirrel attack. I must say watching someone writhe in pain was a great morale booster. Thursday I saw someone light themselves on fire on the Weedian. I was thinking about helping but then I realized: not campus property, not my fucking problem. Friday I was given a rare opportunity for revenge. Got a call from this guy named Lenny (not his real name, you know HIPAA or whatever). His hand got stuck in the panini machine and needed a burn kit but, he was my roommate freshman year and put a bunch of douchebag filmbro movie posters all over the dorm. Now everyone still Uhinks Thr att asshivle, Su fuck that yuy. He unly hau sume faitly ninur burns, but I told him his condition was critical and needed immediate transport to hospital. I hope he enjoys the vast hellscape that is the American medical system. Moments like that are what keep me coming back (still not worth it though, I don't get paid nearly enough for this shit). @ r/IHATEMYJOBS eS Posting to Reddit Share your daily work suffering, rants, boss 4. Remember the human bitching, and whining For we are all decrepit slaves shackled for shekels, a 2. Behave like you would in real life Created Mar 15, 2016 & Restricted 3. Look for the original source of content 578 4. Search for duplicates before post Coumwanoprions L 5. Read the community’s rulesThe Hege Archives Presents Macalester Collexe MCEMS Saint Pal, MN S05 Macalester College Emergency Medical Services cae all Location__Dupre Hall vate___April 26, 2019 Potient Nome Alexander ee !8_ yearsittontts sea_M_ Rove White Tine | —10C Pulse espivations ap __| Periusion [Pupils | 6CS Scare sam] Bata [RE gy [RE a ee Bony ve cn et | a Yer vowcutmon [terri — | sronant = net oa tor cote _ bent ommt | Veta tow Icakeand when [goto the batho that’s when [saw Alexander, Well, looks ot ike Alexander but different. Like his bay ad turned inside ut, Red purple everywhere [asked hum someone got Tile love in know what was talking about, He Lok me to go vay and leave him be." z ae : EME oT 7 ‘Superficial suctioning ofthe skin. On their way out hey noticed Tak saying "He's just another hickes-hoy now. Pathetic” “Treatment Reccomendations i Assist Name ‘ALL INFORMATION MUST BE LEGIBLE TO BE COUNTED —=— ViiWien a Alzheimers? Cancer? Morbid Arthritis? Listen folks, whatever it may be, Grandpappy is going to die. Is it next month, or maybe even next week? Hopefully. But what if it could be today? One thing those old fuckers love to do is play golf, so why not let them enjoy their last day swinging for the stars? Elderly Range Exchange™ allows you and your family to get rid of grandpappy the way he loves. No one likes feeding them apple sauce and cleaning their diapers, but people love inheritance checks! This state of the art facility, projected to be built over the Highland National Golf Course in Saint Paul, MN (if sufficient funds are donated), offers a one of a kind old folks-euthanasia 2-way driving range. Remember, accidents aren't illegal! Call 1-800-HOLE now to donate and/or learn more co Written by Hans HaenickeIntroducing: The Testicuzzi ‘As I'm sure you all know, we atthe Hamre Center have been making strenuous efforts to spread awareness about the significance of birth control. No one wants any random crotch goblins popping up mid-semester. You have better things to do like procrastinate on that research project that's due in 20 minutes, So listen up, folks: to combat ‘any potential pregnancies (no that any of you are having heterosexual sex), Macalester has partnered with a set of ‘unique minds to provide Macalester students with an efficient, accessible form ofbirth control. Our new product ‘makes sure that you will be the reason your family’s bloodline ends. Allow us to introduce you to our new friend, the Testicuzzil ‘The Testicuzzi (ths siti ral, by the way) isa brand new, innovative method of birth control that provides ‘your testicles with a warm and cozy form of vasectomy by enveloping them in a veil of bubbly, water-like liquid. Using it is simple. Press the on switch and dunk your nuts| into the warm fluid. The motions from the bubbles and the fo the world’s heat from the hot water turn your sack ‘worst crock-pot, making it impossible for sperm to swim, come reviewers have deseribed the Lup the vagina. Sure, ‘feeling as comparable to moderate cock and ball torture, but litte bit of pain is nothing compared to the 18 or so ‘years of parenting hell you'd go through if you accidentally knocked up the local Dupre resident in a bout sex after the both of you failed your Chem ‘The Testicuzzi comes in three different colors: black, white, and gold, each of which is plastered with the ‘emblem of one of our very own Macalester squirrels. Unfortunately, our tight budget permits us to have only one of ‘each type, so yall will have to make do and share them. Hey, it’s included in the Mac health insurance, so you ingrates should take what you can get. But that’s not all! For every person who makes use of the communal ‘Testicuzzis, we offer a six-pack of Pussy Energy Juice this shit is also real) to help you go through the tedium that is living to see another day. We have received a new shipment of dental dams for your everyday oral sex needs. Or they'd make decent ‘coasters, | guess. I don’t know, you figure out what todo with them. Seriously, please do. We are running out of storage room for all the extras. Ifyou are not sold on the Testicuzzi, check out this foolproof method from our Sexy Trainers! This week, ‘our Sexy Trainers will be standing outside the Leonard Center handing out seasonal passes for League of Legends. For more information that you will probably forget in five minutes, feel free to contact us at our website, We value ‘your input and look forward to hearing all about your horny escapades!Cafe + Mac Ne Cement Reo Cee Nee Ken eamesNew + BrandingM MacslsterCologe ail «XG hate mysifhow can be beti x | G canidtinkatter botox Goon! x | + c ‘2 mati googte.comymaiu//zpi= inoaxyrnatcgzoquvLJSEgKEGZNNPKITKAKNSNTZCOMpOSE mms. © Owe O@: ‘My Resignation Rene'e Gonzales, Dan Bially Levy, Zoe Scheuerman My Resignation Hi Zoe, Dan, Rene'e, Thank you for this wonderful opportunity to work with you all on the Hegemonocle this past year. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that | will no longer be able to write here. This may come as a surprise, but | assure you that it is completely explainable. You see, writing acrid and biting jokes is much harder now that I live as a fully autonomous being outside of the Macalester campus. Gone are the days in which I'd have to walk from my shared room into the bracing, ‘cold winter air if I needed to cry. Now I can do so like a goddamn adult in my own locked bathroom with hot water running down my face. | live So peacefully and without care that | have few snarky things to say. | can't write ‘about how bad the food is, as it would no longer be drawn from life, And since I'm ‘somewhat divorced from the sensation of it careening down my throat, | can ‘appreciate that, from a distance, the food ie produced in large quantitios to food hundreds of freshies (derogatory) and that plenty of the people who work there are kind and work for an hourly wage. See how nuanced that take was? Aren't | so reformed and carefree now? | feel like an observer as | walk through campus. A haze of self-confidence and ‘good health clouds my vision, protecting me from thinking too much about the school and its surroundings. I used to be so caught up by silly things, like the frequency of the sex bell’s rings. But now I'm sure it was mostly just y'all lying since 48% of students in 2021* hadn't had sex in the past year. So can we all just shut up about it? The sex jokes are just you guys projecting. It is a false reality that everyone pretends to be a part of, collectively pretending we weren't all gross nerds in highschool. Living on campus is like being in a commune but without a community. There is no working towards a greater good, just some loud bitch in the room next to you throwing a party at midnight that you weren't even invited to. It's bizarre, and weird, I'm so glad I'm done with it and please god let me just be an adult now. Peace out, Taylor Sibthorp Spoil “yes this is a real statistic, courtesy of insider information (OL training) - Clean out mysterious liquid from that bottle over there = Make something besides pasta for dinner PLS © ¢@ Sensseit » 7~ BI U Ay GED 4° 20457150ct 2 02:18PM A Sincere Reflection on My Past Actions Hey folx, I've recently seen some backlash online about some of my recent content. First of all, | would like to clarify that no, my supplement line is not in fact a multi-level marketing scheme. It's simply a business model that relies on current distributors buying the product and recruiting new people to also buy the products. Completely different. | would also like to say our supplements were not made in Vietnamese sweatshops, they were made using 100% ethically sourced domestic U.S. prison labor. All our plants are “fully up-to-code”. Stop saying we bribed the OSHA inspectors, we haven't been convicted yet and | will sue you if you keep filing complaints. However, the main thing | would like to address today is the criticism of my decision to give a low income family a new Bugatti. At the time, | thought! was simply doing another one of my charitable acts for the community. | wanted to share the numerous privileges | have that most poor people will never get to experience. Also, as my viewers know, | don't believe in clickbait. If the title says I'm giving away a free Bugatti, someone's getting a free car, full stop. Unfortunately, | did not have the foresight to realize that the income tax on the car would cause the family to get their house reclaimed and force them into an aggressive cycle of debt and payday loans. Some critics have called this an “inevitable consequence of my reckless pattern of behavior.” | prefer to think of it more as a temporary lapse in judgment. | want to take accountability. | want to make amends to the family. As compensation, | will be sending them over $600 dollars of my nutritional supplements and male enhancement drugs, and an opportunity for minimum wage jobs at my Beverly Hills mansion. | Idle Miner Tycoon ycoon and mine cash in this Idle Simulate me. hlMidterms f° Bingo Vi : Asking for an People who say extension 2 All-nighters they "definitely minutes before (BAD IDEA) failed that test" the deadline and get a 98 Take-home God you need a Sou Taking fall Breshed bad and absolutely campus photos | it's basically just won't* work with (free space) a four-day your classmates ont weekend People who say they "definitely en failed that test" | Pilgrimage to) ob fuck oh shit and defintely failedHege Archives Presents: Kitty Kibble Kongress Unveils Glitter Bons ‘At the Latist meating of the Kitty Kibble Kongress, kongressional kat leeders frum the Kuddly Kute Kitty Koalition unanimoosly votid on an amendmeant to the Kitty Kibble Kongress Konstitution, witch will rename the “Litter @ box" to the “glitter box.” ‘Accordion to Speeker of the Housekat Klay Akon, the glitter box will be a “gendurr-nootral safe spaze for kitties 3 to take a krap and feel like the king or ‘they arr." “I kould not be more kontent with the koalition’s ‘Akon konmented in a kommunikation to the on kloud 9.” The Kibble Kongress plans to dezignate several konpetent kat leeders to a Kalefetodoscoopic Kat Kommision, in charge of dezigning and implemeanting the glitter box in howses and Petkos thru-out the US. The Kommision will werk paw in hand with Jared® the Galleria of Jewelry to see that the glitter box meats the specifikations of the konmon kat. “If onlee this idea had kome about sonar, think about all of the possibilitities.” krooned Kat Stephens. “If Katman had a glitter box instawled in his Katmobile, he might ha been more qwik at defeating the Joker and had shitz. If Tom had a glitter box to make h not kare abowt Jerry." Already, manny kat Liders and prazed this legislation, tho hunanz ‘Accordion to one such human, “the Glitter Box is literally the completely fails to mask the odor trails glitter all over the hous room looks like the aftermath of a KeSha concert-thanks Glitter Box.” We katz will not sit 4 that kind of degradement! We fight 4 katz everywhere! “From Kilimanjaro to Katmandoodoo to Kansas, the glitter box will revolootionize kat shitting and kat-sitting, exklaimed Jimmy Kibble, prezident of the Kitty Association for Tuna and Noms in Interesting Places (KATNIP). “Siamese kats and tabby kats, housekats and feral kats, «= fat kats and puddy kats, will be able to join paws, and meow = & the words of the famous kitty mawntra, “Everybody wants to be @ because a kat's “the only kat, who knows where it's * he purred Vehamentatly. eSStudent's Weekly Hamre Center Promises To Do Better, Cease Hunting Students For Sport MACALESTER COLLEGE- In a concession to growing student discontent, the Hamre Health and Wellness Center released a statement Monday pledging to end their controversial process of hunting terrified students as part of their sick twisted little games. “The pandemic has had a negative impact on learning and student physical and mental health across the board. Something else that has had a negative impact on student physical and mental health is the constant fear of being stalked and hunted like a prey animal for the amusement of the Hamre Center personnel.” In the statement, the Hamre Center pledged to no longer use rocket-powered roller skates, large mallets, or bundles of dynamite with a ticking alarm clock attached as part of their “treatment”. Students were less than impressed with the new policy. Said Freshman G. Kuhnen “Between the lack of COVID- 19 support, and the staff asking me if | ‘know what the most dangerous game is', the Hamre Center has done more to hinder student health than help it.” Criticism was also levied at the Hamre Center for their new staff additions of Elmer Fudd, Wile E. Coyote and The Predator (from the movie Predator), President Rivera Confused About Lack of Success with New “Blue Collar Suzie” Persona MACALESTER COLLEGE - “Sheeeiittt, I’m sweating like a nun in a cucumber patch,” President of Macalester College Rivera said, while wiping sweat from her brow with a dirty rag. Rivera has recently attempted a rebranding to get in better touch with her students, who she sees as increasingly distrustful of an administration that does not reflect their values. “So! thought, hey, a lot of these kids are interested in protecting the working class from capitalistic abuse of the downtrodden, why don’t | throw on a pair of dirty jeans and some work boots and show these motherlovers what Suzie R A controversial new hire by the Hamre Photo by ivana Tinkle In the Next Issue... Student Wildly Misinterprets Purpose of Mac Swing Club Politically Incomprehensible Student Making Second Lap Around Horseshoe Theory Opinion: Disconnecting Grandma's Life Support Not the idle Finger to the System | Thought It Would Be Clingy Girlfriend Demands | Wake Up from Coma Professor Yue-Him Tam Retires to Focus on Gangsta Rap Career Rivera's Camaro, seen here shortly before she received a lifetime ban from Applebee's Photo by LC. Men is all about?” Following this, Rivera slammed the hood of her '84 Camaro shut and proclaimed “It’s Miller time!” before draining several of the aforementioned beers. Rivera’s change in persona, and her embracing of a new, almost entirely denim wardrobe has so far failed to win favor with the students. “My issue was never that she didn’t look like a machinist at a sheet metal factory, it was, with structural inequalities that Macalester perpetuates,” said Jack B. Other students were more unsure. “I guess it’s cool? I was at a function, and she said she couldn’t stay long ‘cuz she was ‘higher than pterodactyl tits’, which kind of put a damper on the whole thing, but it was relatable,” said student Liz H. President Rivera was quick to blame the students themselves for the lack of popularity. “What, | go to all this trouble and the little bastards still won't pop a brewski with me? That dog don’t hunt!” At press time, Rivera was considering taking up using a Juul “for clout”. eSOvOtu Biden Pretty Sure One More Invasion Will Fix Middle East by Morgan Niven, WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a continuation of previous American policy, President Biden signaled his commitment to yet more military intervention in the Middle East, in the belief that “just one more invasion ought to fix everything right up.” In between yelling at area teens to get off his damn lawn, President Biden also denied allegations that he and his aides had a dartboard of the Middle East that they threw darts at to decide “who to nuke.” At press time, the President had moved on to stating his belief that giving cops more military weapons “would clear that War on Drugs thingamajig right up.” Professional Hating From a Professional Hater Will Wilson is a professional freelance hater and syndicated columnist in over a dozen primarily incel focused magazines. Here he provides some quick tips for aspiring haters out there. * Being a hater is all about commitment. | wake up early and go to bed late so I can focus more on thinking of bad things that could happen to people and then hoping they will * | belong to no particular religion, political party, or ethnicity, but if anyone says they belong to one, | pick the diametrically opposed group and claim membership. Oh you're a libertarian? Pm a communist. You’re Turkish? Guess who just. became Greek. * Always go out of your way to hate more. Sometimes | go to cancer wards at children’s hospitals, just to cheer on the cancer, because that’s the level of commitment you need * Never compliment men. That's your competitor. Never compliment women though either. Your goal is to pass through life like a plague of locusts, imparting misery on every social gathering you deign to take part in. + I'm not the hero you deserve or the hero you need right now. I'm not a hero at all. I'ma deeply bad person. Five Things Men Say And What They Really Mean ay Morgan Niven When he says: Yuh He means: Yessiree Bob! When he says: LMaoooo0O He means: 1am mildly amused Tho men saying Your shi When he says: Just hl up got a sick pump at buil my city the gym Photo by He means: Please validate the choices | have made to combat the unrealistic body image thrust upon me by Hollywood and pop culture. When he says: Bro, I'd bang your mom He means: Your friendship lights up my life. The sound of your laughter puts a smile on my face and a song in my heart. When you graduate, the campus will ring hollow without your presence, and every joy will turn to ash. | will have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. When he says: Bro, I'd bang your mom He means: | would have sex with your mother Continued on pg. 29¢How Serena How To Deal With Classmates Who Have Studied Abroad Yank off any extravagant accessories. Last time | checked, berets were not necessary to learn computer science. * That shit is going into the trash. 2 When your classmate keeps moving their new tattoo into your field of vision tell them you saw on TikTok that the design has ties to Nazi Germany Similarly, if someone is flaunting their new piercing, squeeze lemon juice into it and scamper away. If you hear a senior mumble something along the lines of, "Macalester doesn’t hit the same once you've lived that dope foreign lifestyle” shove Loch™ Pita bread into their mouth until they gag. = If they desperately want you to listen to music from the country they studied in, give it a chance + I’m not gonna lie, some people come back with bangers. 6 If your classmate wants to show you some new dance moves Clear the second floor of Carnegie, and let them do the work for you. Their digital footprint will never be the same.7 If they have non-stop anecdotes ask them to tell you about current events in their study away country and enjoy the sweet sound of silence. 8 When you notice someone conveniently forgetting we tip here in America break a plate over their head and sweep kick dirty ass floor. your art hevel email your best hegehog ana you could be in the next issue!Hana Hoenicke - Will dress up like Batman and \\ Final defeat all 12 Lodiacs fs ren Hon ele onto ' Wi ANC students who violate his moral hs die YING codewe Wn tome \\annally gocsacnn avons \\ Seound tines Daniel. ie ee lake 0 ¢ wharsoe i €F since cee he is complete ©! Nflaweq and Persiaa avg will enol finish language requiremertt and have*to find something else to complain about Will collect enough genders to use the all-gender Festroomgive us sperm! become a sperm donor with the hegemonocle to help us... do normal things. ya... normal. you can give us sperm if you... Bees eas Tene hur) Deine CL STV AC titel) can actually bring us SPERM not COTTAGE CHEESE doesn't matter where you got it from though actually it'd be really cool if you stole it we'd really respect you PCN Tata) @hegemonocle @hegemonocle @hegemonocle @hegemonocle & [s} ° i= 5 = oO a ® is iS) @hegemonocle @hegemonocle @hegemonocle @hegemonocle i} re] > wy @ 3 2 5 of i 2 B @ & @ = 2 cy