15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

TranscriptDB

Troop Zero (2019) Script

Home / Movies / Troop Zero

GIRL: Last summer, Mama gave me this flashlight to signal the aliens.

She said, "Of course there’s life out there.

Now go outside."

But now it’s just me and y’all, the aliens of the universe, so if you can hear me...

I am Christmas Flint, human female.

I think you’d like me.

I think you’d want to be my friend.

Dang it.

And I don’t want no ketchup stains

-on those pages again. -Yes, ma’am.

CHRISTMAS: Mama believed that sound waves travel out into the universe.

(radio static warbling)

She said that if I ever got lonely, I should just send my message out.

-(indistinct chatter) -CHRISTMAS: Joseph!

EDDIE: All right, give me the ball.

-Uh-huh. -Here you go.

(phone ringing)

RAMSEY: Ramsey Flint, attorney-at-law.

-CHRISTMAS: What it is, boss? -RAMSEY: What it is, boss.

Now, now, hold up, Joe Frank. I’m your attorney.

-Yeah, you got to listen to me. -(country music playing)

Not about the property line now.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 1/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

That is a big tractor, Joe Frank.

I’d advise you get out of the way.

This is legal advice.

You not hungry?

No, I’m talking to the dog.

Hey, I’m just trying to save your life.

CHRISTMAS: That’s the boss man.

-He’s my dad. -(dial tone humming)

Damn it.

CHRISTMAS: He’s doing his best.

It ain’t his fault he loses so much.

-RAMSEY: Where are my pants? -Since Mama died, he’s been losing everything.

Boss, when we’re done talking, you think our words travel out into the universe forever?

I sure as heck hope not.

I swear...

I’m gonna pop somebody, I don’t get my damn money.

RAMSEY: Miss Rayleen?

I got to go down, take care of Joe Frank in Live Oak.

Where are your pants?

You 400 in the hole, and you talking

-about Joe Frank. -RAMSEY: Now, listen...

CHRISTMAS: That’s Miss Rayleen.

She’s an intergalactic warrior.

You know what? You the boss, but you a broke-ass boss.

CHRISTMAS: But she crash-landed here, working for my dad instead of going to law school.

Ain’t nothing wrong helping somebody.

CHRISTMAS: Still, she’s the smartest person

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 2/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

-you’re gonna meet. -We can discuss this later.

I got to find my pants. You move my pants?

I don’t have anything to do with your pants.

Mr. Ramsey, hi. I can’t pay you yet, but I brought you some avocados.

-Avo-what? -A-Avocados.

It’s the good Lord’s way of saying "mayonnaise."

Huh?

Uh, we’ll get your payment soon.

RAYLEEN: You don’t need no mayonnaise.

You need some money. You know how much you have in your bank account?

-I do. It ain’t pretty. -You pay-- Th-Thank you, miss.

You pay her no mind.

-Everybody’s doing their best. -I’m going to the deck.

RAYLEEN: I’m doing my best not to whup your ass.

Boss... h-hold up.

Got to make contact, though.

I know you ain’t walking around looking like that.

Take that off.

Look at that hair.

People gonna think you were raised by wolves.

| Oh, yes |

| I’m the great defender... |

-What it is, boss? -RAMSEY: What it is, Dwayne.

What it is, Miss Rayleen?

If it ain’t $200 for the petty theft, -I don’t want to hear it. -RAMSEY: That can wait.

I’m gonna need his services, actually.

Let’s go. Prepare to fall out.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 3/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

RAMSEY: Joe Frank got himself arrested again.

We got to go bail him out.

Hey, there are my pants. All right.

People ain’t got no sense.

RAMSEY: Boss, don’t you touch that hair! You’ll mess it up!

You be a real sweet, go grab me a beer?

Now, I know you already offered one to Mr. Dwayne.

(bottles clinking)

-Isn’t she sweet? -Just like her mama.

CHRISTMAS: I can’t do it.

-(clattering) -Hey. What the hell?

(whispers): Why’d you say that?

Now, now, now, now, now, now.

Like this, boss.

That’s how it go.

King of Beers. Clink it up.

King of Beers.

Mmm. Tell you what.

You don’t back down till you reach them aliens, huh?

Give me that.

Maybe they can come down here and babysit or something. (chuckles)

Sir, yes, sir.

(chuckles) All right.

Uh, all right, come on, Fluffy.

-Y’all have a good time. -(Fluffy barking)

-Whoop! -Dwayne, fall out!

(indistinct shouting outside, car doors open and close)

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 4/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(car engine starts)

(country music continues playing)

CHRISTMAS: Miss Rayleen?

Can you help me get my flashlight brighter?

You going up on that deck again?

Mm, I don’t know.

Don’t you have any girlfriends?

-I got you. -Uh-uh.

I’m not a friend. I’m a grown-up.

Then I guess nah.

What about that little sparkly friend?

His daddy’s making him football-practice.

(groans) God help that boy.

Nobody at school?

They all say I pee myself, even though I don’t.

No. No, no, no, I know.

What’s that?

It’s a curler.

What’s it for?

Make your eyelashes look longer.

Weird.

(grunts)

Miss Rayleen?

You think I could be part alien?

(sighs)

I worry about you, Christmas.

Do you want to watch The Outer Limits later?

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 5/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

I’m sorry, boo, but I’m busy tonight.

(door opens and closes)

(car door opens and closes)

(car engine starts)

(car departing)

(switch clicking)

CHRISTMAS: When Mama died, everyone said all kinds of different stuff.

She’s in Heaven.

She’s here with me but invisible.

The boss man says she got turned into stars and comets and meteors, and I think that’s what’s
true.

I think she’s stars and comets and meteors.

WOMAN (on TV): I would like to introduce this bill of sale as Defense Exhibit A.

That’s what I would do, too.

MAN (on TV): ...were involved in something more frivolous.

Well, there are those of us who still side with the establishment.

-(gavel bangs) -Case dismissed.

(whoops excitedly)

(birds chirping)

EDDIE: Go! Go, run, run, run!

Hey, get them legs up! Get them legs up!

Yeah! All right, now zigzag. Zigzag.

Zigzag. Serpentine. Yeah! They ain’t gonna catch you

-if you serpentine. All right. -(panting)

Good hustle. All right.

All right, now go long, go long. Go, go, go.

CHRISTMAS: I want you to tell Joseph it gets better for people like us.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 6/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

-For the ones with no mamas. -(yelps)

Or the girl boys and the falsely accused bed wetters.

Hey! Hey.

(whimpers, grunts)

-But you might have to lie. -That’s all right.

EDDIE: Come on, bring it back in.

Bring it back in. Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle.

-JOSEPH: Are we done yet? -EDDIE: Give me the ball.

All right, now, you got to be faster.

-You have got to be fast. -I don’t need to be fast.

-No, you’re gonna be faster. -RAYLEEN: Joseph.

I’ve been watching you.

You’re gonna have to learn to run fast as all hell.

Right? All right. So go long.

Set, hut!

Okay, turn around.

Hands up. Back up.

-Here we go! -| I say a little prayer for you |

(school bell ringing)

| I’m combing my hair now |

| And wondering what dress to wear now |

| Wear now |

| I say a little prayer for you |

| Forever and ever |

| You’ll stay in my heart... |

-Run! -It’s Hell-No!

Let’s get out of here!

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 7/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Tax day. I’m y’all tax collector.

Give me y’all’s tax!

CHRISTMAS: You’d be advised to stay the hell away from Hell-No Price.

Hey, Betsy-Wetsy.

-It’s not true. -It don’t matter.

Come on, just run.

HELL-NO: Hey! I will hunt you down!

CHRISTMAS: She’s got the ferocity of a T. rex and twice the appetite.

Hell-No Price, I heard she done ate her parents.

HELL-NO: Get down here!

I said get down here!

-Crap. -You got to pay.

You don’t got tax...

Smash attacks.

(Smash growls)

-We ain’t coming down. -Nah.

We ain’t got candy. We ain’t got nothing.

Come on. We’ll get ’em later.

(Joseph sighs)

GIRLS: | For the sake of all mankind |

| We pity the less lucky ones |

| The weak and the begrimed |

| Those that good fortune left behind |

(Christmas and Joseph chuckle)

| Be brave, be true |

| In everything you do... |

CHRISTMAS: Beware of nasty Principal Massey.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 8/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

She grew up right next door to Miss Rayleen.

She pretends she’s better than everybody.

(blows whistle)

Good afternoon, Birdies.

ALL: Good afternoon, Miss Massey.

Have we got a treat for you today.

Who’s excited for some Jamboree?

(whooping, laughing)

Who’s excited for some winning?

-(whooping) -And this year, I know we’re gonna bring home that trophy like always.

Otherwise, y’all gonna be staying in Marietta.

(chuckles) I’m playing.

I’m playing.

So... there’s something special happening this year.

An opportunity for all of us to be a part of science.

MAN: Hi. Hi, everybody.

This is Doctor... Pers...

-Persad. -Persad.

-All the way from NASA. -PERSAD: Hello. Hello.

Raise your hands if you like to think about outer space.

They’re girls.

That’s okay, huh.

You know, someone who loves to think about outer space is our president.

-Oh, my. -He has sent some of us on a mission across the Earth.

We are putting together a record of life.

MASSEY: A record?

Yes. The Golden Record.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 9/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

The greatest hits of planet Earth.

An account of all of us to be launched into space.

-Ooh. -But I don’t want to go to space.

Hush up, precious. Shh, shh.

We are recording people from all over the world, giving greetings in their native languages.

If there is a chance there is other life, there is a chance someone will hear this.

There’s no such things as aliens, though.

Piper, please.

Don’t interrupt.

Our president is a humble man from Georgia, so why not a little girl from somewhere like...

-Wiggly. -...somewhere like Wiggly be the keeper of our immortality?

-MASSEY: That’s quite a job. -(Christmas giggles)

Well, um, I appreciate your time.

A group of us will be there at the Jamboree.

We are looking forward to recording the winners.

All right, let’s go get changed into our Jamboree costumes.

(Birdies whooping)

MASSEY: Come on, get going!

Let’s bring home the gold like we do, right?

-JOSEPH: Christmas! -CHRISTMAS: Ow!

Why you always got to be the one in the front, Piper?

-I got more badges than you... -CHRISTMAS: Piper! Hold up!

...so why don’t you pour yourself a big old glass

-of hush up. -Hey. Hey.

(panting): Hey, Piper.

PIPER: Do y’all smell something?

Did somebody pee on themselves?

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 10/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(laughter)

I want to be a Birdie Scout.

I want to go to Jamboree.

Go run into trees, bed wetter.

-I’m not a bed wetter. -GINGER: Yes, huh.

She’ll get the uniform nasty.

(gasps) You’ll get the uniform nasty.

(laughter)

I just said that.

I can be good for you. I know stuff about space.

I could help you win.

PIPER: Jamboree is a talent show.

The best of the best.

Is that you, or is trash you?

Why y’all so mean to me?

I don’t know.

Just feels right.

I’m at the top, and you’re at the bottom.

It’s just how we was made.

-(laughter) -GIRL: Go, go, go.

Open the locker!

Does this mean I’m in?

(sighs)

(girls laughing outside)

Ain’t that some shit.

Greetings from planet Earth.

I am Krystal Massey.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 11/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(sighs)

And, um...

There we go.

And I wish you great tidings and great joy.

I do.

Aliens out there.

(distant banging, girls shouting indistinctly)

-(banging) -CHRISTMAS (muffled): Hello!

-Anyone? -(Massey sighs)

Oh, look, it’s Christmas.

Bless your heart.

I’m gonna tell you something, precious.

When we get put in a locker, it’s because, one way or the other, we got ourselves in there.

-You understand? -No.

Oh, Christmas Flint. (chuckles)

We just don’t know about you, do we?

You’re sweet, but we just don’t know.

(Massey clucking tongue)

(Massey sighs, mutters)

JOSEPH: Christmas!

Hey.

Oh, my God, I love your hair.

It’s so different.

-Yeah. -It’s abstract.

You’re abstract.

I want our band name to be Gemini.

We can dress in that shiny plastic.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 12/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

CHRISTMAS: Shiny plastic?

(Fluffy barking, country music playing)

What the hell happened to your hair?

Fell off, I guess.

RAMSEY: You look ferocious, boss.

Nothing more important than that.

She didn’t do this herself.

-Who did this? -No one.

Just tell her she looks nice.

What’s wrong with y’all?

Why’s she letting people cut on her hair?

She ain’t letting nobody do nothing.

-Clarification, boss. -CHRISTMAS: Overruled!

-(phone ringing) -Yep.

That’d be the judge.

You tell him I’m on my way, all right?

Oh. Come on, Fluffy.

Can you make sure she got something to eat?

I ain’t got time for no children!

-And I ain’t her mama. -RAMSEY: Come on there, boss.

-(Fluffy barks) -There you go, Fluffy.

(phone continues ringing)

-Ramsey Flint, attorney-at-law. -(car engine starts)

("Shake Sugaree" by Elizabeth Cotten and Brenda Evans plays)

| Have a little song |

| Won’t take long |

| Sing it right |

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 13/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

| Once or twice |

| Oh, Lordy, me |

| Didn’t I shake, sugaree? |

| Everything I got Is done and pawned |

| Everything I got Is done and pawned. |

See that?

No.

There’s gonna be a meteor shower this year.

It only happens every 60 years, and...

...that means I can make contact.

There ain’t no one up there.

And if there is, your shabby-ass flashlight ain’t gonna get it.

You ever actually seen Aretha Franklin?

No.

So?

I’m gonna get on that Golden Record.

What?

I’m gonna get on that Golden Record!

Joseph, we funna be Birdies.

What? I’m not a girl.

Well, there’s nothing in the whole book that says you have to be. I checked.

We need a dance for Jamboree so we can win.

You’re over your limit. You can only get one more.

JOSEPH: Hey. If I make that dance, we funna win.

-We funna win. -(stamp thumps)

Go on, get out of here.

| Well, you rock my soul Down in the bosom... |

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 14/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

CHRISTMAS: We need a minimum of four scouts so that we can make a troop and I can get my
voice on that record.

| He rocks my soul |

| Down in the bosom of Abraham... |

We have two weeks to find Birdies with special skills.

| Whoa, rock my soul |

-| Why don’t you rock my soul | -(indistinct shouting)

| Won’t you rock my soul |

| Down in the bosom of Abraham... |

(girl grunts)

CHRISTMAS: We’re looking for girls with talents that have to be useful in some way.

| Down in the bosom of Abraham |

-Mm-mm. -| Mm-hmm, oh, yeah... |

But I’d settle for anyone who’d say yes to me.

| Whoa, rock my soul... |

Have you been saved?

CHRISTMAS: That’s Anne-Claire.

Loves her Jesus. She ain’t got but one eye.

Have you been saved?

Anne-Claire?

-Sorry. -CHRISTMAS: Do you want to help the most poorest, struggling fools of the Earth?

We’re gonna leave a message for the aliens.

Let me ask.

Dear Lord Jesus, um, do you think this is a good idea?

Amen.

Yes!

(chuckles)

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 15/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

CHRISTMAS: The Birdie manual says we need girls with grace and virtue to lead us to glory.

But I think we need Hell-No Price.

BOY: Papa gave it to me.

Bubblegum. My favorite.

Hell-No Price.

I made you an avocado sandwich.

What the hell is this?

It’s God’s way of saying "mayonnaise."

Get that nasty away from me.

Heads up, bed wetter. We’re coming for you.

(Hell-No yells, Piper yelps)

(others gasping)

(Hell-No chuckling)

GIRL: Let me help you.

No, get away from me. I’m fine.

That was real nice of you.

I ain’t doing this ’cause I’m nice.

Just like to fight.

Using you as bait.

Now, go away.

CHRISTMAS: I started a Birdie Scouting troop.

You’re fast, and you’re smarter than everybody.

You could help us and be invaluable.

I don’t need to be invaluable.

Oh, don’t you want a chance to leave a message for the aliens in the future?

Or at least earn some badges?

-Hell no. -But there’s a record

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 16/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

-they funna send into space. -(yells)

(Smash laughs)

CHRISTMAS: Smash is like the universe.

HELL-NO: Easy, Smash. Go play.

CHRISTMAS: Full of gas and mystery.

(groans)

CHRISTMAS: Hell-No... you... you’re like a human volcano.

I see you walking around, fixin’ to explode all the time.

I always wonder, what that girl think about?

So, what do you think about?

Blowing everything to kingdom come.

How we’re all headed for the boneyard, so what’s the difference.

Burning everything down so I don’t have to look at nothing pretty, ’cause none of that for me.

Well...

By us standing together and saying, "We should be here forever," and winning it over them,
that’s burning their whole nasty operation right to the ground.

(chuckles softly, footsteps approaching)

Yeah.

-Hmm? Hmm? -Not right now, Smash.

Smash gets to come, too.

All right.

Smash get all the cookies she wants.

Okay.

You know I ain’t your friend, right?

Yeah, I know that. (chuckles)

Good.

CHRISTMAS: Birdie manual says every troop needs a Troop Mother who will show us how to be
shining examples of womanhood.
https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 17/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Ow!

Whatever that means.

My client could not have been present the night in question, because we have receipts from
Winn-Dixie that prove he spent the night shopping.

He was shopping for lighter fluid for 20 minutes.

It’s right here on the receipt.

(sighs) Dang.

RAYLEEN: I swear, you men and arson.

Why you feel like you have to set things on fire every time you have a problem?

That’s our way.

Life comes at you hard, you set it the hell on fire.

-Ain’t that right, boss? -(food sizzling)

-Miss Rayleen? -Yeah?

-I need something. -Welcome to life, sugar booger.

(Fluffy yapping)

Will you lead us to glory?

Hell no.

Prize is you get to leave a message for the aliens on the Golden Record, -with Mozart and them.
-What?

Now, ho-hold up, hold up.

I’d be the representative of all the children on planet Earth.

So, like, our music for aliens?

-Some of our music. -Johnny Cash?

No.

-Waylon? -No.

Gram Parsons? Rolling Stones?

No, more like Beethoven and them.

Well, then I’m not interested in space.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 18/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

I don’t care for that at all.

Yeah, well, I care.

There’s some other life out there, and they funna know me.

(sighs softly)

No.

-It-it’d be office hours. -You already owe me back pay.

RAMSEY: Well, I’ll get it. I’ll get it.

I mean, ain’t my fault everybody guilty.

Ain’t my fault you can’t get people to pay you.

Joseph already started our choreography, though.

RAYLEEN: No. No, sir.

I don’t get on good with little girls.

I do arsonists, murderers and state prosecutors.

Little girls give me the creeps.

Plus, you can’t hit ’em no more.

They changed the laws.

All right.

"Lead us to glory." I like that.

And it would’ve been good for you to be around other girls, boss.

Lord knows I raise you like one of them hillbillies next door.

You’ll be doing dip if I don’t take some action.

Miss Rayleen, take your office days down to two.

No. Hell no.

I’m the boss man.

You the leader of the Birdies.

Me and Fluffy, -we gonna go and try and get paid. -(Fluffy barking)

Here you go.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 19/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

RAMSEY: Fall out, Fluffy.

(chuckles softly)

I don’t do nothing half-ass.

I don’t want to do anything with half an ass.

You know you’re just setting yourself up for your little heart to get broke.

No, setting myself up to change my whole life.

(Rayleen yells, whoops)

(chuckles): He forgot to open the damn beer can.

(both laughing)

(Rayleen sighs)

Mmm!

Rayleen Mosely?

Hi, Krystal.

Hey.

(chuckles) It’s been a minute.

Mm-hmm.

Since, uh...

BOTH: Pavo Possum Fest.

Well, hey. Sure is nice to see you.

(chuckles)

And are you a... are you a mama?

I’m the Troop Mama.

(laughs)

(Rayleen chuckles)

RAYLEEN: Yeah.

For real?

-Are you playing? -I don’t play. You know that.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 20/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

They can’t be Birdies.

-Why not? -Because these children are not...

Because Birdies have a strict quality code.

-My boos are quality. -(quiet fart)

And you think you can get these children to follow these standards?

Does a fat puppy poot? I got this.

That kind of language isn’t necessary.

All right, then.

Got to give you a number.

Troop...

Oh, dear, well...

Huh. The only number left in the state of Georgia is zero.

Isn’t that sweet?

Perfectly appropriate.

Yes, precious.

Zero’s the number of infinity.

Is that right?

-CHRISTMAS: Yeah. -MASSEY: Well...

Troop Zero, welcome to Birdie Scouting.

(chuckling)

I don’t know if you thought this was gonna be easy.

Being a woman of substance is never easy.

It’s not pageantry, where you look pretty for the boys.

It’s not 4-H, where you birth a calf and call it a day.

Before you’re taking care of your babies, before you’re taking care of your husbands, your old
parents and whoever else needs you to hold them up, you’re taking care of your troop.

You’re making sure you’re all winners.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 21/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Each member is required to earn one badge.

That’s the bare minimum to qualify for Jamboree.

You will earn them honestly-- no cheating-- and if you earn ’em, then you got a shot at Marietta.

So, welcome, Troop Zero.

We’ll see you on the other side.

If you make it out alive.

(Massey chuckling)

-I’m playing. I’m playing. -(Rayleen chuckles)

I’m not.

Come on, y’all.

-Come on. Don’t take nothing. -(slurping)

She’ll say you got it dirty.

(kids screaming)

(kids yelling playfully, laughing)

-I will destroy you! -Stop it! Stop it!

All right, all right.

(screams) Ow.

RAYLEEN: Y’all want to do this.

-Hey, hey. -(shouting dies down)

(sighs, laughter continues)

(chuckling)

-Y’all my Birdies now. -He can’t be a Birdie.

Can’t be a Birdie ’cause he’s half boy.

Can’t be a football player ’cause he’s half girl.

No, ma’am, that would be a "no, ma’am."

We are sweet to each other.

Smash, get your finger out your nose.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 22/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Get the straw out of your mouth.

Hell-No, you get the straw out of your mouth, too.

Put your foot down.

Joseph, welcome to the Birdie Scouts.

Smash, I don’t care about the law.

Rayleen funna whup your ass.

(growls)

Joseph is one of y’all now, all right?

And we are gonna do the best we can.

-Yeah. -HELL-NO: Nah.

-We funna lose. -(Smash grunts)

This a bunch of losers and trash

-nobody wants. -CHRISTMAS: No.

We funna win.

-MASSEY: Here we are. -(laughter)

Leftovers for the leftovers.

(chuckling): I’m playing. Y’all know I am.

For real.

Good luck with whatever you find in this badge jar.

My girls have won almost every one.

Can you believe it?

I’m sure there’s something in there for you.

I appreciate you.

-Mm. -And let’s see what we got here.

JOSEPH: What’s that?

Dang, these are ugly.

Take it.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 23/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(kids laughing)

What the hell is this?

Oh, that’s Survival in the Wilderness.

Can we have something more in their ballpark?

I mean, "Dress-idge," that ain’t gonna work.

"Dressage" is the correct pronunciation.

Whatever it is, it ain’t gonna work.

-Ceramics. Table Settings? -Hell-No.

-No. -Just remind me, what do they say about beggars again?

I’m playing. I’m playing.

(chuckles)

Y’all clean up this mess in here.

-These smell. -Mm!

-(sniffs) -RAYLEEN: All right.

All y’all got to do is win one badge each to go to Jamboree.

So, it shouldn’t be that hard.

Have y’all ever won anything in your lives?

(cricket chirping)

All right, Troop Zero, let’s just--

You know what? Let’s just do what we can.

You too thick, wear the sash.

You don’t want to wear girl clothes, wear the sash.

You pee your pants, wear the sash.

-Just don’t get any pee on it. -I don’t pee myself.

RAYLEEN: Yeah, that’s just in principle. Here.

Well, come on, now, Hell-No.

Come on. Even if y’all don’t win, you got to show them that you’re serious.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 24/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

-Y’all serious? -ALL: Yes, ma’am.

All right.

Let’s get this, my boos.

(Rayleen sighs)

Cookie Selling badge.

Blood makes the grass grow.

-(grunts) -Kill, kill, kill!

-Come on. Come on. -(kids murmuring)

-Come on. -Let’s do this!

-Let’s go! -Oh, I’m a real-life Birdie Scout!

("Little Green Bag" by George Baker Selection plays)

| Yeah |

| Lookin’ back on the track For a little green bag |

| Got to find just the kind |

| Or losin’ my mind |

| Out of sight in the night, Out of sight in the day |

| Lookin’ back on the track, Gonna do it my way |

| Out of sight in the night, Out of sight in the day |

| Lookin’ back on the track, Gonna do it my way |

| Lookin’ back |

| Ah |

| Lookin’ for some happiness |

| But there is only loneliness |

| To find... |

Buy my cookies, Ray-Ray.

-I got to ask my mama. -They’re two dollars.

Two boxes.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 25/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Give me four dollars for my cookies so I can be a woman of substance.

Now, Ray-Ray.

-Do it. -(Smash grunts)

-WOMAN: Give that back. -(Hell-No sucks teeth)

-Now, get out of here. -(Smash growls)

(frustrated grunt, knocking)

| Lookin’ for some happiness |

| But there is only loneliness... |

There, take some cookies.

Come on.

| Jump to the left, Turn to the right |

-| Lookin’ upstairs... | -JOSEPH: Hi.

Would you like to buy some delicious Birdie cookies?

-You’re not a Girl Scout. -It’s Birdie Scouts, and we work on building communities through
strengthening ourself...

No. No. No.

We...

Well...

Damn.

Please? I get so scared talking in front of strangers.

What kind of evangelist does that make you?

Real bad one.

All right, well, just hold my hand.

| Out of sight in the night, Out of sight... |

I funna puke, Miss Rayleen.

Don’t puke before you get the money, boo.

-Hello. -ANNE-CLAIRE: Hello.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 26/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Would you please... give me some... some money?

I’ll be happy to. I used to be a Birdie myself.

| Lookin’ for some happiness... |

(retching, coughing)

(whispers): Is she gonna be all right?

She’ll be fine.

It’s good for the grass. (chuckles)

Come on.

| Jump to the left |

-| Turn to the right | -(Anne-Claire chuckles)

| Lookin’ upstairs |

-There. Come on. -| Lookin’ behind... |

Every little girl dreams about getting married and having their own babies.

Child Care badge prepares you for the ultimate joys of motherhood.

(baby doll crying)

-(head tumbles on floor) -Dang.

(Smash laughs, Hell-No laughs)

Act right. Stop that.

Stop that.

-| Lookin’ for some happiness | -Ow!

| But there is only loneliness |

-| To find... | -Perfect trust falls.

Again.

What the hell they trying to teach you, trust?

Try that in the real world.

Get up, now.

Get up.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 27/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Get going. Come on.

(quietly): Dear Lord in Heaven, be safe, be safe.

(thud, Anne-Claire grunts)

All right, I got you, I got you.

-Trust. -(exhales sharply)

(thud, laughing)

-Hey, don’t mess this up. -Right.

All right, I got this.

You better. I need this.

-(yelps) -CHRISTMAS: Ow!

(kids chattering)

-(laughing) -No, no, no.

-No. No, no. -(Smash grunting, laughing)

(screaming, laughing)

We never gonna get to Jamboree like this.

Shouldn’t have taken them.

They’re ruining everything.

They’re even bigger losers than I am.

(laughing, yelling)

Oh, you’re right.

Better for you to be back at home watching Outer Limits and me to be living my life in peace.

What? No.

Let me see them badges.

You got to work with what you got.

Special skills.

("I’m a Winner" by Diana Ross playing)

CHRISTMAS: Beauty badge was made for Joseph.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 28/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

If he can make my hair less ugly, he can make the world less ugly.

This is the time to say yes.

This is how I am.

This is what God gave me to work with.

And I’m gonna make it beautiful ’cause it’s mine.

All right.

| And I’m so glad |

| I took the chance on you, baby |

| Hey |

| My friends all say He don’t play by the rules |

| So listen, don’t you be no fool |

| Don’t you know You’re just a beginner |

| So look at me now |

| I’m a winner |

| Oh, oh |

| I’m a winner |

| Ooh, yes, I am |

| Ow! |

| Put that money down And put them chips on nine |

| Ah, ah |

-| Ah, ah | -| Ah, ah |

-| Ooh | -| Ah |

| I’m a winner |

-(cheering) -| Yes, I am... |

Dang, son.

You survive nine more years of this, you’re gonna make a whole bucketload of damn money.

Yes, ma’am.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 29/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Special skills.

RAYLEEN: All right, Christmas, who’s next?

| I took a chance on you, baby |

-| Oh, I’m a winner... | -(song fades)

(birds chirping, insects trilling)

Got some inspiring words, Mr. Ramsey?

-Thank you, Miss Rayleen. -Yeah.

RAMSEY: When I was in the United States Army with Mr. Dwayne, we used to run a course like
this twice a day.

And there were machine guns going off over our heads.

DWAYNE: We had bowls of rice just once a day just to get us through the hardships.

Not about the rice right now.

What Mr. Dwayne is saying is life ain’t about winning.

I mean, it is for some-- for those who win.

But for the rest of y’all... the trick is to endure.

Not let the kicks and the nasty words keep you down.

Then you wake up one day, and you’ll be the last one standing.

(dogs barking in distance)

So...

Go get them Endurance badges, little boos!

-Go! Come on. -(blows whistle)

Smash, pick up those feet.

-Pick up your feet! -(kids grunting, panting)

RAMSEY: You go easy on my girl.

All right? You-you know she got one leg shorter than the other?

(grunts) Ow!

That poor thing can’t afford to do nothing easy, and you know that.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 30/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

-RAMSEY: Come on! -RAYLEEN: Come on, y’all.

-Come on! Come on! -Come on! Come on!

CHRISTMAS: This badge was made for Hell-No Price.

She eats obstacles for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

ALL (chanting): Hell-No! Hell-No!

-Hell-No! -(blows whistle)

You done good, Hell-No.

(chuckles, kids cheering)

Smash, I figure you take things apart, you might be able to put ’em back together.

Go on.

(giggles)

(radio static droning)

(indistinct broadcast plays)

(kids cheering)

My boo! (laughs)

(whooping)

CHRISTMAS: That Smash will surprise you.

And I will, too.

Promise.

Got to have one special skill.

This is almost impossible to mess up.

Even for you, Christmas.

Baking badge.

Bake a cake, get the badge.

Can’t you just give me one?

-Are you a cheater? -No, ma’am.

Oh, forgot the dang vanilla.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 31/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(indistinct chatter, laughing)

(chatter quiets)

What the "H" y’all doing?

Baking badge.

Why are y’all playing like this?

Yeah, y’all suck at being girls.

-Y’all suck at being girls. -Yeah.

-Why does she always do that to me? -It’s okay.

You-- you ain’t even got no eye.

And you-- you ain’t even a real girl.

All of y’all.

I don’t get y’all.

How do any of y’all even get out of bed, being so weird?

Shut up.

What’d you say, girl boy?

I said, "Shut up."

And my name’s Joseph.

Call me Joseph like a normal person.

You’re not a normal person.

Don’t talk about him like that.

Be sweet, Hell-No.

We’re just doing our badge.

He didn’t mean any harm.

ANNE-CLAIRE: He ours.

He our fellow Birdie Scout.

He’s a freak.

No, you are.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 32/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Just let her say what she wants.

Don’t matter.

I need this badge, though.

(sighs)

-It does too matter. -(Joseph whimpers)

We funna win.

We funna get on that record.

You’re just one piece of dirt on a bigger piece of dirt.

We’re gonna last forever, and you’re just gonna wash away.

(kids gasping)

(scattered laughter)

Oh, hell no.

(Piper gasps, others gasping)

(scoffs)

Let’s get ’em!

(kids yelling)

(laughter, yelling)

Flour!

(yelling continues)

(laughing)

(gasping)

Stop!

(gasps)

(laughing)

Act right, y’all! Act right!

-Holy mother... -(blows whistle)

Piper, stop!

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 33/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Stop! You are sweet.

You are sweet!

Where are my young ladies?

Right here.

(sighs)

MASSEY: I have never seen such delinquency, such a lack of hygiene.

Oh, the trash, the trash of it all!

And y’all-- y’all were raised better.

Troop Zero...

...you were so close.

You blazed through all the badges on your level.

They sure in hell did.

-They’re sorry. -I ain’t sorry.

MASSEY: Starting fights, acting ugly.

Y’all suspended.

(kids gasping, murmuring, scattered laughter)

Oh, come on.

Can’t I just use the cafeteria to get my Baking badge?

No, ma’am. No.

I can’t even pretend y’all are cute anymore.

It’s sad.

Sad, sad, sad.

And, my troop, y’all are on thin ice.

Let’s go. Get on out.

-(Smash growling) -Piper. Come on, get.

(Anne-Claire sneezes)

And y’all clean this mess up.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 34/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(bell jingles)

-Family special. -WAITRESS: Coming right up.

(quiet chatter)

Think y’all would be happier just doing--

I don’t know-- Bible school or FFA or just watching TV.

Whatever happened to watching TV?

I can’t give up.

I mean, there must be one badge I can earn.

RAYLEEN: If y’all even get to Jamboree, which you won’t, y’all ain’t gonna win.

I mean, I’m sorry, but...

I wish someone had told me that.

HELL-NO: No Jamboree?

I made a dance, though.

I really want to tell y’all what you want to hear, but this situation just ain’t salvageable.

(sighs)

(fierce grunt, Anne-Claire gasps)

JOSEPH: Could’ve been gone from here.

I could’ve been famous.

I wanted to leave a permanent record.

We still can.

(Smash growls)

(yells)

-(banging on window) -Smash!

Quit it!

-(kids chattering) -Smash, come back.

-(Smash growling) -Calm down.

(door opens, kids shouting)

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 35/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Smash, come back!

-No, come on! -Come on, Smash.

This ain’t us.

-(Smash roaring) -This is some candy-ass, B-grade version of us ’cause we ain’t got nobody

-to show us how to be better. -Hey!

Show us.

Be that one for us, please.

No one was that for me.

Yeah, well, it can be different now.

It’s never gonna be different.

Your life is gonna be the same as you are right now.

The sooner you learn that, the better.

That can’t be true.

’Cause I’ll die.

(kids continue shouting outside)

-(door opens) -JOSEPH: You were running after her

-just the same. -HELL-NO: That doesn’t mean you can yell at her like that.

ANNE-CLAIRE: Will y’all help me with this window?

(whistle blares, chatter stops)

Sit down! Sit down.

Okay?

(sighs) One badge. One more badge.

Uh-uh. Give me that.

(grunts)

Surviving in the Wilderness.

Like Jesus.

(Smash sighs)

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 36/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(indistinct chatter)

Enjoy your suspension.

-CHRISTMAS: Ow! -(laughter)

-Wow. -Stay down, bed wetter.

RAYLEEN: We do not stay down because they tell us to, Christmas.

That is a "no, ma’am."

-(school bell ringing) -(laughter, chatter)

-Smash get a snack break? -Hunger is good for you.

You starving us. You putting us in danger.

Y’all in danger every day.

(birds calling, indistinct chatter)

We ain’t going into the South Woods, are we?

It’s time y’all learned to take it by the horns.

HELL-NO: Smash, wait up.

Smash.

JOSEPH: I heard someone died in there.

(kids chattering indistinctly)

RAYLEEN: Don’t touch nothing.

(ominous birdcalls)

JOSEPH: What was that? I’m ascared.

Will it be fast when I die?

RAYLEEN: Y’all get ahold of y’all selves.

(kids chattering, gasping)

(shuddering breaths)

(screaming)

(other kids laughing)

Go. Go.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 37/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(Joseph screams, other kids laugh)

(various birdcalls, insects trilling)

CHRISTMAS: And it’s really cool because the aliens, th-they’ll hear us because the sound waves,
they go out, out, out into the universe until they hit something, then...

That is not how it works.

CHRISTMAS: Yeah, it is. My mama said.

RAYLEEN: All right, now, y’all.

We sleeping here?

I’m not gonna sleep with Christmas.

She funna pee on me.

-I don’t wet the bed. -Yes-huh.

-(murmuring) -Y’all stop acting ugly.

Smash.

All right, my boos.

It’s time y’all earned that badge fair and square.

You leaving us?

(stammers) We funna die.

Ah, hell, hell no, I can’t stay...

Hell yes, Hell-No.

And when y’all wake up in the morning, y’all know that you spent the night in the wilderness,
didn’t no one help you.

(whispers): What if we don’t...

All right, prove ’em wrong.

-Make me proud. -(kids murmuring)

But what if we don’t wake up?

(kids clamoring)

(night birds calling)

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 38/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(branch snaps nearby, Joseph gasps)

...I will fear no evil, for thou art with me...

(prayer continues indistinctly)

(bird squawking, animal squeaking)

(radio static warbling)

(rock music playing, Smash chuckles)

DJ (over radio): It’s rockin’ WZPZ Rock.

Coming up, David Bowie’s "Rebel Rebel."

(intro to "Rebel Rebel" plays)

(chuckles): My dear and holy God.

(music continues loudly, laughter)

(squealing excitedly)

| You’ve got your mother in a whirl |

| She’s not sure If you’re a boy or a girl |

| Hey, babe, your hair’s all right |

| Hey, babe, let’s go out tonight |

| They put you down, They say I’m wrong |

| You tacky thing, You put them on |

| Rebel Rebel |

| You’ve torn your dress |

| Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess |

| Rebel Rebel |

| How could they know? |

| Hot tramp, I love you so |

| Don’t ya? |

CHRISTMAS: Can you see us better when we’re together like this?

Is our signal stronger?

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 39/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

I think it is.

(song ends)

(quiet fart)

-JOSEPH: Oh, Smash. -ANNE-CLAIRE: Smash.

(birds chirping, hooting)

CHRISTMAS: If there is wild animals, I funna spit scuppernong seeds in their eyes and blind them.

And then... then they’ll run off and be scared.

They’ll be the ones who’s scared.

’Cause I’m not scared. I’m not scared.

(Hell-No growls, Christmas screams)

(laughing)

Hell-No.

You’re out of the circle of protection.

I don’t need it.

-Yes, you do. -Nuh-uh.

-Yes-huh. -Nuh-uh.

It’s fixin’ to be a meteor shower.

Just... just go over there and look for it.

I’m responsible for you not getting ate in the wilderness.

Now, come sleep with the rest of us.

I can’t.

-Why not? -Because.

And it’s not true that I wet the bed, but...

...if I did, maybe, whenever I get emotional or nervous, and maybe that’s when I’d pee on stuff.

If I did, I wouldn’t know why.

I used to wet the bed.

Really?

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 40/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(laughs): Nah.

But if I did, I’d be shamed.

How come you pee the bed?

-Can’t help it? -I don’t.

Okay.

But maybe if I did... time was right after my mama’s death, and then I couldn’t stop.

And so, you-you can just go, you know.

I leave, and you die all alone in the wild, covered in your own pee, and you’ll miss every meteor
shower that will ever happen the whole rest of your life

’cause you be dead.

I’m gonna tell you some scary stories to keep you awake.

-Please don’t. -Too late.

One night, in the pouring rain, a girl hears on the radio, "Lock the doors.

There’s a maniac!"

And all that was left of her... was her hand, scratching at the door.

And when she came out, she never spoke again, and her hair was bright white.

-Bright white? -Yeah.

Christmas. Christmas.

-What do you want? -Get up.

Get up now. Now.

Look.

Think they might have been peacemakers sent from-from the giant caterpillar?

JOSEPH: Ah, something bit me.

There is no giant caterpillar.

-Yeah, there is. -Yeah, there is.

No, there isn’t.

How do y’all believe in that?

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 41/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

ANNE-CLAIRE: Look what I found.

I brought scuppernongs.

-Hmm? -Okay.

I want one.

-Three. -Don’t take all of them, now.

Give me some.

Mm-hmm.

Anyone comes for you again, I’m gonna beat their ass back to their gosh damn swamp shack.

(laughs): Just come at them with hair like that.

(gasps)

My boos! Y’all did it!

Come on, get up.

You done it, Christmas.

-(laughing) -There you go.

(laughs) We funna go to Jamboree!

CHRISTMAS: Yes, ma’am.

(kids laughing)

(chuckles): We got it, Miss Massey.

We’re gonna go to Jamboree.

ANNE-CLAIRE: Praise the living Jesus.

-And we funna win, too. -(Smash grunts)

We funna dance.

Me and Christmas made a dance that’s amazing.

Y’all have a lot to be proud of.

Y’all do. I’m not even playing.

CHRISTMAS (laughing): We’re gonna go.

-We are. -We’re going.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 42/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(kids laughing)

(sighs) Oh, precious.

You’re not.

(thunder rumbling)

We are. (chuckles)

They don’t have a legitimate troop leader.

It’s so, so sad, but what I discovered last night when I consulted statute 12, section eight of the
Birdie Scout Code...

Here it is.

Troop Mothers must not have any prior arrests.

And, Miss Rayleen, don’t you have one?

-No convictions. -For an incident in which a gentleman’s tires were slashed, his trailer broken
into, and all his mounted deer heads spray-painted pink.

-You can’t prove it was me. -It was you.

-Nuh-uh. -Yes-huh.

(thunder rumbling, rain pattering)

That gentleman, if you recall-- and I think you do-- was some fool named Yellow-Teeth Davis
that saw a lot of silly-ass girls back in the day.

And the reason why Yellow-Teeth Davis wasn’t at home when his trailer got broke into is ’cause
he was running around with one or more of those silly-ass girls instead of being at my house like
he promised to pick me up to take me to Boutte’s Chicken.

And then I started wondering what was wrong with me that made him treat me like trash.

And then I waited so long figuring out what was wrong with me that I didn’t go to law school
and I missed my whole life.

(thunder rumbling)

But lately, I’ve been wondering, "You know what, Rayleen?

Who cares what people want?

What do you want?"

So, from now on, my life is on me, not some fool with crowded yellow teeth that put dead deer
all over his walls.
https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 43/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

It’s on me.

And I feel sorry for you, Miss Massey, ’cause you gonna spend your whole life trying to impress
fools, and you ain’t never gonna be enough for them, either.

What ever happened to you, Krystal?

You a bad example.

This is my example.

(thunder rumbling)

I’m going to law school, you sad snake lady.

I don’t like being like this.

I don’t like being Nasty Miss Massey.

(kicks desk)

Y’all will find life gets easier if you don’t want so much.

(thunder rumbling)

-CHRISTMAS: Hey! -"Hey" yourself.

What’d you mean, law school?

I mean I’m out. I’m out.

I can see about law school. I can see about a job.

You leaving me?

There’s no leaving you if I was never with you.

You’re supposed to stay here with me.

How can you ask me to be there for you when I was never there for myself?

So, is it over?

We find a new Troop Mama now.

Everyone we know got felonies.

There ain’t no one else.

Why’d you make me want it so bad?

I never wanted anything, and I was fine!

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 44/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Hell-No!

Why’d you do this to me?

I was happy before this.

I was happy before I thought I could talk to anyone or be permanent.

Why’d you make me so unsatisfied?

(Christmas grunts)

Stay down!

You can’t tell me to stay down!

Jesus wept.

(thunder rumbling)

Hell-No!

-Get away from me! -Don’t leave me!

Why don’t you just leave me alone!

No!

We funna be permanent!

You’re a dang fool.

(whimpers) Nuh-uh.

-Yes-huh. -Nuh-uh!

(panting)

HELL-NO: No one ever chased me before.

(both laughing)

Here’s your damn sash.

(both laughing)

(sighs)

(birds chirping, insects trilling)

(country music playing)

RAMSEY: Now, you said you borrowed it, but you didn’t say whether they knew you borrowed it.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 45/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Do they know you borrowed it?

(indistinct chatter over phone)

Now, hold up. Hold on.

These little boos need a mama.

Uh, Miss Rayleen, I ain’t their mama.

-(chuckles) -You are now.

MAN (over phone): Boss, you there?

Let me call you back.

(chuckles)

You ask for the boss man, the boss man steps up.

-Big Eddie, let’s go. -Joseph!

EDDIE: Sam, Buddy, Robby, let’s go!

Miss Massey gonna learn a thing or two.

Nancy. Mary.

Let’s go.

WOMAN: Y’all gonna want to see this.

-| Oh, Lord, you know | -Here we go.

| I can hardly wait... |

Look at that, boss.

CHRISTMAS: Hell-No!

-JOSEPH: Hey, guys! -CHRISTMAS: Yeah!

RAMSEY: Come on, fall out.

| I see those per-per-pearly gates |

| I’ll walk dem golden stairs When I die, when I die |

| Well, well, well, I’m gonna walk |

| Up dem golden stairs |

| ’Cause I know my Jesus Answers all my prayers... |

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 46/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(sighs) Will you do the honors, Rayleen?

| To my home on high |

| I’ll walk dem golden stairs When I die, when I die. |

Principal Massey, may I have a word, ma’am?

I ain’t got time for this, Ramsey Flint.

Listen, devil woman.

I read your rule book.

Nobody beat the boss man when it come to rule books.

Nothing in that book say the Troop Mother has to be female.

Therefore, I am proud to be the Troop Mother for Birdie Scout Troop Zero of Wiggly.

There are ways things are done, Mr. Flint.

What kind of world would it be if every homely, strange little girl thought she could just go out
and do whatever she wanted?

To be laughed at and humiliated and ruined?

I’m helping them more than you do.

You think this was easy for me?

These are our girls. All of us.

Whole damn town of Wiggly.

I don’t care how many eyes they got or who wet the bed or... if some of them debatable as girls.

They our Birdies, and I’m their Troop Mama.

-(crowd murmuring) -WOMAN: You tell her, Ramsey.

How you gonna pay the $500 entry fee?

Son of a puppy.

Five...

It costs money to pay for these judges’ time.

You got $500, Ramsey Flint?

You don’t.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 47/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Because Ramsey Flint, he just keeps on losing.

You know I’d give you the whole gosh damn solar system if I could.

Yeah, I know that.

WOMAN: Mr. Ramsey?

I know I’ve been owing you 50 for a while.

Thanks.

And this is for Big Sam’s legal fees.

And the broken furniture.

Buddy’s public... urination.

A-And Robby’s truancy.

I-I’m sorry it took me so long to get it to you, Ramsey.

-That’s all right. -(woman clears throat)

You know what for.

-Yeah. -WOMAN: Here you go, Ramsey.

Oh. Thank you.

-WOMAN: Here’s mine. -RAMSEY: Thank you.

Ramsey, I got 17.

What you don’t seem to understand, Miss Massey, I’m the boss man, and we going to the Birdie
Jamboree.

And we funna kick everybody’s ass.

-MAN: Yeah! -(murmuring, laughter)

-Good day, ma’am. -MAN: Yeah, Ramsey!

-Let’s fall out! -Falling out.

-All right, here we go. -(whooping, applause)

(laughter, indistinct chatter)

| No more to roam |

| In the search of fortune and fame |

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 48/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

| The hand of fate... |

CHRISTMAS: If it’s all gonna be okay, will you please give me a sign?

Anything?

(laughter, indistinct chatter)

DWAYNE: Look, I know one thing-- y’all funna win.

-Oh... -No, I can feel it.

That’s gas. You eat like you got a train to catch.

-DWAYNE: Nah. -(laughter)

What if I lose in front of everybody?

Ah, so what?

Boss, get over here.

Yes, sir.

Sit here.

Boss, you know I lose in front of everybody

-every day. -RAYLEEN: Mm-hmm.

-(laughter) -Sure as hell do.

When the judge says to me it’s over, I go over to the prosecution, and I shake their hand.

Give me your hand.

’Cause that show them they may beat me, but I’m strong as hell, and one day, maybe tomorrow,
I’ll kick their ass.

Right?

But you still lost.

(laughs)

Yeah, boss, but it’s the principle.

-What? -Forget it.

-You a little young for it. -JOSEPH: Christmas!

Christmas!

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 49/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

RAMSEY: Not too long. Big day tomorrow.

Y’all gonna win. I can feel it. I know it.

You know you’re drunk again.

-Nah. -(Rayleen laughs)

RAMSEY: You’re drunk.

Yeah, he drunk as all hell.

-You drunk. -Yeah.

And you the best damn employee I ever had.

Well, I’m the only one that hasn’t stole from you, so...

(laughter)

You know, I-I don’t want you breaking my daughter’s heart.

Well, it’s gonna break if she let one of those nasty girls tell her who she is.

Well, now, that ain’t what I mean.

What do you mean?

You could, uh... you could stay, right?

I can’t.

There’s a spot at Emory. I start in the fall.

Yeah. All right.

I-I know. I know.

(chuckles): We’ll be fine.

We’ll be just fine.

(quiet chatter)

RAMSEY: Come on.

BOY: Hurry up!

RAMSEY: Come on, get on, get on.

(indistinct chatter)

WOMAN: Here you go, honey.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 50/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Here you go.

WOMAN: Here you go, baby.

-What it is, Dwayne? -What you say, boss?

Where’d you get that bike? Dwayne, you are on parole.

I’m gonna give it back. I... Look, I’m here for protection.

Yeah, I just, I just want to do something nice, Miss Rayleen.

Dear God, blanket us with protection, and I ask, God, give these children a long life with no fears.

And that you put the love that’s on your heart unto my heart.

Shut your face up.

You don’t know what you talking about.

See you in Marietta.

(grunts excitedly)

(motorcycle engine starts)

(excited chatter outside)

(bus brakes hiss)

(horn honking, engine backfires)

Hey, that’s my motorcycle.

He stole that.

(brakes squealing)

All right.

Here we are.

(Ramsey grunts)

Prepare for battle.

(chuckles)

(Rayleen sighs)

I want y’all to know that y’all my boos.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 51/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

And I wish I had y’all around when I was little and dumb and sweet.

Come on, we funna win.

-We funna win! Come on. -(light laughter)

(Rayleen chuckles)

Hey.

"Hey" yourself.

Uh, if I was, um...

If I got on the record, I’d be important.

And you’d stay here with me.

Oh, God.

I’m gonna be all alone again.

You are not alone.

-Yeah, I am. -No...

And you don’t need that record.

-Yeah, I do. -No, you don’t.

Who’s smarter, me or you?

-You. -Right now.

When you speak, it creates a sound wave, and then it vibrates through the air, and it keeps
traveling out.

That means, if someone’s listening for life on this Earth, they gonna hear you.

Are you sure that’s even true?

Shoot, no.

Probably not.

(sighs)

Probably all you can wish for is someone fool enough to show up.

RAMSEY: Hey, you want me to help?

DWAYNE: I got it, I got it.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 52/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

-RAMSEY: I don’t mind helping. -DWAYNE: I got it.

RAMSEY: Now, the wings, you can’t--

Hey, I don’t want them to bend.

-Big Eddie, you got that? -EDDIE: I got it.

-I-I’m cool. I got it. -All right. I’m happy to help.

(kids laughing)

EDDIE: Hold on to that rocket, all right?

Coming down. Coming down.

-Let’s fall out! -Coming down!

We funna kick some butt today.

DWAYNE: Slowly, slowly, slowly.

-Got it? -Pull it on down.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Oh, oh, oh, I ain’t got it. I ain’t got it.

(laughter, indistinct chatter)

GIRL: Don’t touch.

Stop.

(indistinct chatter continues)

(gasps) Bed wetter.

(woman chuckles)

RAMSEY: All right. Troop Zero, Wiggly.

Oh. (chuckles)

Precious. And you are?

Oh, uh, Ramsey Flint.

-Troop Mama. -Oh.

(chuckling): Isn’t that something?

Hmm.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 53/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Did y’all bring your... your fees?

Oh. (laughs) Of course I got it.

Yeah, that’s part of Jamboree.

(chuckles): Yeah, there you go.

Thank you.

I’m gonna need you to count that, please.

Well, we look forward to seeing what you little girls are made of. (chuckles)

Uh-huh. What is it, angel?

We’re made of organs and tissues.

(chuckles)

You guys got a latrine here?

Mm-hmm, we do have a latrine.

We have about eight latrines all around.

They are made for little girls, so you’re gonna have to squeeze in there.

I could just use the woods.

Do not use the woods. I repeat, -do not use the woods. -All right. All right.

Well, y’all have some time to rehearse, and then we will see you over in the tent at 4:00.

Let’s fall out.

See you by 4:00 for the show. (chuckles)

Fly, Birdies, to that tent, ’cause at Jamboree, fun and talent abound.

Don’t get too loose with that fun, though, ’cause you are being judged.

-Let’s have a blast. -(feedback squealing)

The tent at 4:00.

They are judging us. Do you understand?

Act right.

(quiet chatter)

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 54/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Welcome, Birdies, to Jamboree.

-(laughs) Oh. -(applause, cheering)

Yes.

Now... you have all worked so hard to get here, and that work is not gonna stop now, because
this... this is the place where we’re gonna see the best of the best.

And who knows? There may be a little bit of international prestige in with this as well.

-(applause) -Uh, Dr. Persad.

Young ladies are here on this Earth to create beauty wherever they set their feet.

So go on, now.

Show us your gifts.

We’re gonna begin with Troop 28 from Moultrie.

Let’s do this. (chuckles)

(cheering, applause)

Knock-knock. Who’s there?

-(chuckles) The Holy Spirit. -MAN: Amen.

Y’all, get ready for Troop 17 from Alberta.

| Am I a soldier of the cross |

| A follower of the lamb |

-| And shall I fear... | -(applause)

The reigning champions of Jamboree need no introduction.

Please welcome Troop Five from Wiggly.

(cheering and applause)

(upbeat music playing)

(rhythmic tapping)

You funna puke, Anne-Claire?

I get nervous in front of strangers.

Look, you funna puke, just reach out, and one of us will hold your hand, okay?

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 55/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(music ends, crowd cheering)

Whatever you do, don’t lose the song.

We got this, boos.

-Y’all my boos. -(chuckling)

All right, quit.

Funna give me lice.

How precious. (chuckles)

Oh, you still ain’t got no eye.

Well, you ain’t got no talent, you snake from hell!

-(girls gasping) -Come on.

EMCEE: Next up, we have a new troop.

A troop that is, uh, a number that I didn’t know was a real number (laughs) until today.

Please welcome, uh, -Troop Zero from Wiggly. -(applause)

-RAMSEY: Yeah! (whoops) -RAYLEEN: All right!

Come on!

(cheering, whistling)

(crowd murmuring)

(intro to David Bowie’s "Space Oddity" plays)

| Ground Control to Major Tom |

| Ground Control to Major Tom |

-(quiet laughter) -Why are they singing?

| Take your protein pills |

| And put your helmet on |

-(whispers): Is that a boy? -Ten.

-JOSEPH: | Ground Control | -Nine.

-| To Major Tom | -Eight. Seven.

-Six. Five. -| Commencing countdown |

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 56/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

-(laughter) -| Engines on |

Four.

-Three. -(sighs)

Two.

-JOSEPH: | Check ignition | -One.

-| And may God’s love | -Liftoff!

| Be with you |

| This is Major Tom to Ground Control |

| I’m stepping through the door |

| And I’m floating in a most |

-| Peculiar way | -(chuckling)

-Well, this is unusual. -| And the stars |

| Look very different today |

Yeah, she’s unusual.

-| This is Ground Control | -(laughter)

| To Major Tom |

-| You’ve really made the grade | -GIRL: You stink!

-| And the papers | -Get off the stage, you weirdos!

| Want to know whose shirts |

-| You wear | -RAMSEY: Watch your mouth, girl.

-One-eyed freak! -(laughter)

-Shh. Stop it. -| Now it’s time |

(quietly): | To leave the capsule... |

(distorted, echoing laughter)

GIRL: Hey, bed wetter!

GIRL: He’s not a girl!

Huh-uh. Uh, s-stop that music.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 57/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(music stops)

Don’t give up, boss.

(crowd murmuring, groaning)

GIRL: Ew. That is disgusting.

(laughter, murmuring)

(gasping)

GIRL: Get off the stage.

You turn that back on.

-Turn that back on. -Rayleen, stop.

Enough.

My name is Christmas Flint.

I am a human female.

Sometimes I pee myself when I get nervous.

I don’t know why.

I don’t want to.

I just want to tell you...

I hope...

...hope you live a good life.

And I hope you have a friend.

I hope you got everything I got.

(sighs)

| Ground Control to Major Tom |

| Your circuit’s dead |

| There’s something wrong |

| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |

| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 58/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |

-(crowd gasping) -PIPER: Oh, my God!

-(gags) -(music resumes) -They nasty!

-| Can you hear me, Major Tom? | -They nasty!

| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |

(crowd gasping)

| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |

| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |

-(Smash giggling) -(crowd gasps, groans)

-(both laughing) -| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |

| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |

(upbeat instrumental playing)

(laughing, cheering)

(whooping)

(yells)

-(laughs) Yeah! -(whooping)

(grunts)

(laughing)

(whooping)

(music ends, cheering and applause)

(scoffs)

-Yeah! -(whoops)

(Rayleen whooping)

Oh, my boos! Kill, kill, kill!

Solid gold!

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 59/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Yeah! That’s my boy.

(squealing, laughing)

(laughing, applause continues)

Oh, my beautiful Birdies.

We have seen some examples today: of how to be... and how not to be. (chuckles)

Y’all, we’ve come to possibly the most exciting part of the day.

Dr. Persad is gonna hand out the awards.

Here he is. Dr. Persad.

(applause)

(applause ends)

We were really touched by the courage every troop showed.

It wasn’t an easy call to make, because... what does "the best" even mean in the big picture?

Who decides what’s good, what’s worth it?

Who knows?

The winner of this year’s Jamboree... and the troop whose voice will go into outer space

-is Troop Five from Wiggly. -(cheering)

Congratulations to our ambassadors of the human race.

You all right, boo?

PERSAD: If there’s life out there, they’ll know about you.

EMCEE: Thank you, and congratulations to Troop Five.

You sparkly Birdies. (laughs)

You sequined lovelies.

Oh, inspiring, inspiring.

How inspiring in all capital letters...

Congratulations.

You gonna be okay, Christmas?

-Oh, heck yeah. -EMCEE: Simply the best.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 60/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

-You? -And that’s what we’re working for here at Jamboree: to be clearly the best and to clearly
beat everyone else here, and they did it, y’all.

Now, Mr. Persad, can you please record?

(girls laughing)

Can you give me a puff?

PERSAD: So, who’ll come up for the statement?

Whenever you’re ready.

Greetings from the children of planet Earth.

I hope you kick everybody’s ass in law school.

PIPER: The human race is beautiful and peaceful...

Hmm. Sure. (scoffs)

You will, though.

PIPER: ...tells you who we were. (giggles)

Don’t take shit from anybody.

(scattered applause, whooping)

EMCEE: Thank you, Piper.

What a perfect representation of a Birdie. (chuckles)

That just warms up my heart.

No, you can finish it.

You always did.

EMCEE: ...and raise our voices in song.

Let’s do that Birdie anthem, y’all.

EMCEE and TROOP FIVE: | We’re good, we’re kind |

| We’re sweet to those we find |

| We’re beautiful and loving |

| For the sake of all mankind |

| We pity the less lucky ones |

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 61/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

| The weak and the begrimed |

| Those that good fortune left behind |

(Ramsey sighing)

| Be brave, be true |

(fading): | In everything you do... |

(Ramsey sighs)

What it is, boss.

I’m proud of you, Major Tom.

(birds chirping, insects buzzing)

I miss Mama.

I know I’m not supposed to tell you that.

But I miss her.

(faint applause in distance)

Hey, um... you can tell me anything.

Ain’t nothing you can’t tell the boss man.

I’d do anything if you could have her.

But it’s... it’s gonna have to be just you and me, Christmas.

Just the way it’s got to be, I guess.

I wish I, uh...

I wish I could be better.

Nah.

You and me... we’re solid gold.

(both chuckling)

We’re the King of Beers.

(Ramsey chuckles)

King of Beers. (laughs)

Mmm.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 62/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

Solid gold.

("Johnny B. Goode" by Chuck Berry playing)

(kids whooping, laughing)

| Deep down in Louisiana |

-| Close to New Orleans | -Ah, yeah!

| Way back up in the woods Among the evergreens |

| There stood a log cabin Made of earth and wood |

| Where lived a country boy Named Johnny B. Goode... |

CHRISTMAS: We didn’t win, but it don’t matter none, ’cause Dwayne stole the trophies from
Troop Five.

| Go, Johnny, go, go |

| Go, Johnny, go, go |

| Go, Johnny, go, go |

| Go, Johnny, go, go |

| Johnny B. Goode... |

There!

(song fades)

Hot damn.

CHRISTMAS: When all the signals have been received, maybe you will know about us.

Sound waves travel, right?

Think aliens have the same petty standards that we do?

Hell no.

They gonna hear you.

They gonna hear you.

Go on.

I’m here.

-I’m here. -JOSEPH: I’m here.

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 63/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

HELL-NO: Here I am.

I’m here.

Here I am.

(chuckles)

I hope you always safe and warm and dry and have foods always.

Nice, Hell-No.

I hope you have everything good, in Christ Jesus’ name.

I hope you have Gladys Knight and Aretha Franklin and Freddie Mercury.

I hope you got Mama.

I hope you keep her safe.

(meteors whooshing)

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(gasps)

RAYLEEN: Now on, you gonna be permanent.

You already are.

I am here!

-I’m here! -I’m here!

(all shouting)

-Here I am! -I’m here.

I’m here, too.

KIDS: We’re here!

-I’m here! -I’m here.

We’re here!

-We’re here! -We’re here!

CHRISTMAS: We got on that record, so I know you’re gonna hear me.

What I want to say is this:

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 64/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

I hope you got friends like mine.

Like Hell-No, Joseph, little Smash, and my boo Anne-Claire.

(steady beeping, "Alima Song" playing)

I hope you see us for all our bursting treasure.

Me and Miss Rayleen.

Boss man and Fluffy.

We’ll be right here.

("Starman" by David Bowie playing)

| There’s a starman waiting in the sky |

| He’d like to come and meet us |

| But he thinks he’d blow our minds |

| There’s a starman waiting in the sky |

| He’s told us not to blow it |

| ’Cause he knows it’s all worthwhile |

| He told me, Let the children lose it |

| Let the children use it |

| Let all the children boogie |

| La, la, la, la-la |

| La, la, la-la, La, la, la-la |

| La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la |

| La, la, la-la, La, la, la-la |

| La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la |

| La, la, la-la, La, la, la-la |

| La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la |

| La, la, la-la, La, la, la-la |

| La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la |

| La, la, la-la, La, la, la-la |

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 65/66
15/04/2024, 17:08 Troop Zero (2019) Script

(fading): | La, la, la-la... |

CHRISTMAS: Hello from the children of planet Earth.

(children speaking greetings in various languages)

(greetings continue in various languages)

(greetings end)

All scripts have been copyrighted by their respective owners unless stated otherwise.

About · DMCA

https://transcripts.thedealr.net/script.php/troop-zero-2019-A5Vh 66/66