Gottman 17-AREAS SCALE

Name | First: Last: Date:

How Are Things Changing, or Not Changing, In Your Marriage?

Please take the time to read each area we have outlined of your life together, and tell us if this area is fine
or needs improvement. Put an X in the box that you think applies to your relationship right now. Then,
at the end of each area, add comments, and, if things are fine, briefly tell us how you are managing this
area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the obstacles you currently see to improving this area of
your relationship. This information is completely confidential.

q Staying emotionally connected

q Becoming emotionally distant Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
Just simply talking to each other. q q
Staying emotionally in touch with each other. q q
Feeling taken for granted? q q
Don't feel my spouse knows me very well right now. q q
Spouse is (or I am) emotionally disengaged. q q
Spending time together. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

q Handling Job and other stresses effectively

q Experiencing the "spillover" of non-marital stresses Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
Helping each other reduce daily stresses. q q
Talking about these stresses together. q q
Talking together about stress in a helpful manner. q q
Spouse listening with understanding about my stresses and
worries. q q
Spouse takes job or other stresses out on me. q q
Spouse takes job or other stresses out on the children or others
in our life.
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

Gottman Scale — Page 1

 q Handling Issues or disagreements well
q Gridlocking on one or more issues Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
Differences have arisen between us that feel very basic. q q
These differences seem unresolvable. q q
We are living day-to-day with hurts. q q
Our positions are getting entrenched. q q
It looks like I will never get what I hope for. q q
I am very worried that these issues may damage our
relationship. q q

If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

q The marriage is romantic and passionate

q It is becoming passionless; the fire is going out Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
My spouse has stopped being verbally affectionate q q
My spouse expresses love or admiration less frequently. q q
We rarely touch each other. q q
My spouse (or I) have stopped feeling very romantic. q q
We rarely cuddle. q q
We have few tender or passionate moments. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

q Our sex life Is fine

q There are problems in this area Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
The frequency of sex. q q
The satisfaction I (or my spouse) get from sex. q q
Being able to talk about sexual problems. q q
The two of us wanting different things sexually. q q
Problems of desire. q q
The amount of love in our lovemaking. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

Gottman Scale — Page 2

 An Important event (like the birth of a child, job loss, changes in job or residence, an illness, the
death of a loved one) has occurred in our lives. The marriage Is either:
q Dealing with this well
q It is not dealing with this well. Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
We have very different points of view on how to handle things. q q
This event has led my partner to be very distant. q q
This event has made us both irritable. q q
This event has led to a lot of fighting. q q
I’m worried about how this will all turn out. q q
We are now taking very different positions. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

Major issues about children have arisen (this could be about whether or not to have a child).
q The marriage is handling with this well
q The marriage is not handling with this well. Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
We have very different points of view on goals for the children. q q
If We have different positions on what to discipline the children for. q q
We have different positions on how to discipline the children. q q
We have issues about how to be close to our children. q q
We are not talking about these issues very well. q q
There is a lot of tension or anger about these differences. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

Major issues or events have arisen about In-laws, a relative or relatives.

q The marriage is handling with this well
q The marriage is not handling with this well. Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
I feel unaccepted by my partner’s family. q q
I sometimes wonder which family my spouse is in. q q
I feel unaccepted by my own family. q q
There is tension between us about what might happen. q q
This issue has generated a lot of irritability. q q
I am worried about how this is going to turn out. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

Gottman Scale — Page 3

 q Being attracted to other people or jealousy is not an issue
q Spouse is flirtatious there may be a recent extramarital affair. Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
This area is a source of a lot of hurt. q q
This is an area that creates insecurity. q q
I can’t deal with the lies. q q
It is hard to reestablish trust. q q
There is a feeling of betrayal. q q
It’s hard to know how to heal this. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

q When disagreements arise, we resolve issues well.

q Unpleasant fights have occurred. Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
There are more fights now. q q
The fights seem to come out of nowhere. q q
Anger and irritability have crept into our marriage. q q
We get into muddles where we are hurting each other. q q
I don’t feel very respected lately. q q
I feel criticized. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

q We are in synchrony on basic values and goals.

q Differences between us in these areas or in desired
lifestyle are emerging. Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
Differences have arisen in life goals. q q
Differences have arisen about important beliefs. q q
Differences have arisen on leisure time interests. q q
We seem to be wanting different things out of life. q q
We are growing in different directions. q q
I don’t much like who I am with my partner. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

Gottman Scale — Page 4

 Very hard events (for example, violence, drugs, an affair) have occurred within the marriage.
q We are handling these well.
q They seem to be hard for the marriage to deal with right now. Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
There has been physical violence between us. q q
There is a problem with alcohol or drugs. q q
This is turning into a marriage I hadn’t bargained for. q q
Our marriage “contract” is changing. q q
I find some of what my partner wants upsetting or repulsive. q q
I am now feeling somewhat disappointed by this marriage. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

q We work well as a team.

q We are not working very well as a team right now. Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
We used to share more in the family’s workload. q q
We seem to be pulling in opposite directions. q q
Spouse does not share in housework or childcare. q q
Spouse is not carrying weight financially. q q
I feel alone managing this family. q q
Spouse is not being very considerate. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

q We are coping well with issues of power or influence.

q We are having trouble in this area. Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
I don’t feel influential in decisions we make. q q
Spouse has become more domineering. q q
I have become more demanding. q q
Spouse has become passive. q q
Spouse is “spacey,” not a strong force in the marriage. q q
I am starting to care a lot more about who is running things. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

Gottman Scale — Page 5

 q We are handling issues of finances well.
q We are having trouble in this area. Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
I, or my spouse, just don’t bring in enough money. q q
We have differences about how to spend our money. q q
We are stressed about finances. q q
Spouse is financially more interested in self than us. q q
We are not united in managing our finances. q q
There is not enough financial planning. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

q We are doing well having fun together.

q We are not having very much fun together these days. Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
We don’t seem to have very much time for fun. q q
We try but don’t seem to enjoy our times together very much. q q
We are too stressed for fun. q q
Work takes up all our time these days. q q
Our interests are so different now that there are no fun things
we like to do together. q q
We plan fun things to do but they never happen. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

q We are feeling close in the area of spirituality.

q We are not doing very well in that area these days. Check all specific items below:
NOT A Problem A Problem
Sharing the same beliefs. q q
Agreeing about religious ideas and values. q q
Issues about the specific church, mosque, synagogue, etc. q q
Communicating well about spiritual things. q q
Issues about spiritual growth and change. q q
Spiritual issues involving family or children. q q
If things are fine, tell us how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine, tell us the
obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
Comments:

In case we omitted something, or an Important area, please provide additional information on a separate piece of paper. Gottman Scale — Page 6