Kiaaa, please don't be scared :( You have so many people supporting you including

me. And we're all sure that the surgery will succeed! Don't let your mind get a
hold of you and always think positively. I love you so much Kia, and I hope you
know that whatever happens, I'll continue on loving you. I want to make so much
more memories with you, so please stay strong for me and everyone that loves you.
We've got so many more plans to fulfill, and I'd be so so so happy if we can do all
of it. Pero for now, magpagaling ka please :( Go into the hospital with a strike on
confidence because you're sure that you will succeed!!! I love you so so so so much
Kia, and I'm always praying for the best! I love yoooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
mwamwma!!

sunday last week I cried for the first time this month, everything was js slowly
piling up and it broke that day. I hate the way my school friends make me feel, I
hate the way they talk about me, to the point that I start to get embarassed of how
I look. I just kept on believing that all these jokes are okay because we're
friends. But slowly it's just so annoying to hear it over and over again, to the
point that I start to get embarassed for looking like myself. I know na wag ako
masyado magpaapekto sa ganyang jokes pero how could I not when all they do for the
whole remainder of the day is make fun of me? every fucking day I'm the butt of
their jokes, every day their jokes gets worse and worse and it's just affecting me
so much. I'll always take time out of my day to properly groom myself and make
myself look presentable before school just for in hopes that they'll stop talking
bad about my appearance, but it's all they're going to see in me, That I'll always
be the fat, ugly kid that doesn't fit in with them because they're all so seemingly
handsome. I refuse to even make a comment towards them whenever they do this, but
they still keep on making fun of me. I hope some day I could be comfortable in my
own skin without the fear of having to be judged, they made me the most insecure
I've been my whole life, and I can't even do anything about my body because I've
lost the motivation to do so. That I fear kahit next school year ganito pa rin.
It's just tiring, to be made fun of because of myself. I feel so little, I feel
ashamed to look like this.

This school year has went by so fast, and to think that I started this school year
with such enthusiasm. I never knew that this is how it'll end, that I'll be left
confused, and made to feel like I wasn't a part of anything. I always thought that
I would end this school year with the people I cherish and everyone I'm comfortable
to be with. Instead I ended it by looking at the people I once considered to be my
life long friends happy and celebrating. I didn't write this to strike guilt in
them, but instead, to just lay everything I'm feeling about them to rest. It's
almost been a year since what happened, and I don't know how I'm this miserable to
still not have gotten over it. I can't get over how they treated me like they could
just step on me after what happened. Like I'm lower than them since what happened
to me. Even after all this time, I still forgave them, even if they didn't say
sorry. You know, just a simple sorry even from adj, would've put it to rest. But
no, instead, I'm the one always apologizing, I'm the one always adjusting, I'm the
one always at fault. I was never given a chance to just explain, I was never heard.
I was forced to befriend people that degraded me as a person, people who say that
they are embarassed to be with me because of my appearance. I just wished, they all
thought of me like how I thought about them, I never want to victimize myself
because I know that I still have my faults, but I went the extra mile just to
please them. I tried my best to make adj and everyone I was friends with before to
be comfortable with me. All I wanted, was that I could spend the end of JHS with
the people I liked, and not the people I was forced to like.
Billabong: 700
real tree: 450
gap jorts: 400
uniqlo polo shirt: 400
fubu jorts: 350
Gu hoodie: 500
hanes: 500
gildan: 500
uniqlo sweater: 400
gildan yellow: 250
jordan t shirt: 300
the doors: 300

I know mali ginawa ko, and I'm really sorry if it hurted you. I really just thought
na okay lang na kasama siya papunta sa lego since paalis na rin naman siya and what
not. Pero I know nothing naman that I would say will justify what I did to you. I'm
sorry, please don't worry anymore, since I'm willing to distance myself from them
if it means that you wouldn't have to worry. I'm sorry that I didn't know better
that what I did was considered micro cheating na. I'm sorry. Maybe I am just too
friendly for my own good. Pero it'll take time to adjust rin ngayon na I have to
distance myself from them, considering tthey were some of the only people I had the
same feeling when I was with adj and the others. Pero I'll be fine, I'll eventually
adapt to my life being this quiet. Maybe I'll just find more friends nalang na you
wouldn't have a problem with. I'm sorry again.

No one will ever understand me, and I'm not even an exception.

I pushed away the only people that would truly have any patience for me, and now
I'm forced to drown in my own feelings. I just don't get it, am I deprived of
affection? I really don't know, why do I get attached to someone who'll show the
least bit of effort to talk to me. Maybe I've deluded my self a bit too much.
I wish everyone had the luxury to start over. I believe in karma but I feel like
I've received too much of my share. I hate living in the past, until this day, I
wish I was a little bit smarter, If I had, then I wouldn't have to suffer all of
these thoughts. I hope tomorrow will be good to me, I hope I can still go into my
room without turning the mirror away from me. I've begged and begged and begged,
for this school year to be enjoyable, that I wouldn't have to question myself if
I'm just a shell of my former self. I don't even want to walk into my classroom
tomorrow, I don't want to face everyone I've been avoiding, I don't want to. I
prayed people were kinder, so that I wouldn't have to be uncomfortable in an
environment that's supposed to be comfortable. I don't want to suffer under these
thoughts again, I really don't want to. I hate it, I hate feeling like needles are
piercing me whenever someone looks at me. I hope, for once in my life, I wouldn't
feel so lonely this school year. For once in my life, let me be myself in an
enviromnent, I've resented for years