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The Softened Start-Up
Communication Interpersonal conflict is an unavoidable part of life. After all, we are unique beings
with diverse and sometimes incompatible opinions, needs, and views. While conflict is
Exercise
inevitable, it is also paradoxical in that it is neither inherently good nor inherently bad;
10 min instead, it all comes down to how it is managed. How a conflict conversation begins plays
a significant role in the trajectory of the entire discussion. Indeed, 96% of the time, the
Client
outcome of a conversation can be predicted based on the first three minutes [1], also
No
known as the ‘start-up.’
A harsh start-up to a conflict involves using criticism and blame to make a point. This kind
of start-up is ineffective and may interfere with the supportive functions of relationships,
negatively affecting trust and commitment [2] and causing others to question the motives,
capabilities, and sincerity of those involved while the real issue remains unresolved [3].
Fortunately, the development of conflict resolution skills helps minimize these detrimental
outcomes.
The softened start-up denotes a gentle opening to a conflict conversation. When
approached in a non-confrontational manner, conflict can be constructive, improve
communication, lead to the resolution of problems, provide opportunities for self-
expression, and refine interpersonal collaboration skills [4].
A softened start-up is about complaining without blaming and encourages non-judgmental
language and facial expressions that convey respect for others [5]. A gentler start-up
diffuses tensions, reduces hurtful communication, protects both parties from feeling
attacked or defensive [1], and likely induces the same communicative behaviors in the
other person [6]. This exercise will help clients approach potential conflict conversations
in a non-judgmental and non-confrontational way, preventing tension escalation and
potential damage to relationships.
Author
This exercise was adapted from the study by Gottman and colleagues [1] by Elaine
Houston.
Goal
This exercise aims to help clients formulate softened start-ups to conflict conversations.
By approaching potential conflict in a non-threatening, non-confrontational way, clients
can alter the trajectory of conversations, prevent escalation, and protect both parties from
feeling attacked or defensive.
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Advice
■ When formulating softened start-up statements, clients should focus on their feelings,
needs, and “I” statements as much as possible. Clients must also be mindful not to turn
an “I” statement into a “You” statement that blames the other person. “I” statements
must not be used to veil criticism. For instance, a statement like, “I feel like you never
help me around the house,” is still a harsh start-up because it blames the other person.
Clients should focus on the facts of a situation and avoid exaggeration that paints the
other person in a negative light.
■ Remind clients that it is not just the words they use that can make someone feel
attacked, blamed, or criticized. While mostly unintentional, tutting, body language like
eye-rolling, frowning, arms crossing, or looking at a clock during a conversation are
not helpful and are unlikely to result in a favorable outcome.
■ This exercise is an effective tool when dealing with interpersonal conflicts in the
workplace, with friends, family, intimate relationships, and many other situations.
■ Encourage clients to follow a softened start-up with a question like, ‘What do you
think?’ to show that they are open to discussing the issue and to listen to what the
other person has to say.
References
1. Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital
happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and the
Family, 60, 5-22.
2. Jehn, K. A., Greer, L., Levine, S., & Szulanski, G. (2008). The effects of conflict types,
dimensions, and emergent states on group outcomes. Group Decision and Negotiation,
17, 465-495.
3. Donohue, W.A., & Cai, D.A. (2008). The history of interpersonal conflict. In Kurtz, L.
(Ed.), Encyclopedia of violence, peace, & conflict (pp. 1073-1084). Academic Press.
4. Laursen, B., & Hafen, C.A. (2010). Future directions in the study of close
relationships: Conflict is bad (except when it’s not). Social Development, 19, 858-872.
5. Overton, A.R., & Lowry, A.C. (2013). Conflict management: Difficult conversations
with difficult people. Clinics in Colon and Rectal Surgery, 26, 259-264.
6. Deutsch, M. (2000). Cooperation and competition. In Deutsch, M. & Coleman, P.T.
(Eds.), The Handbook of conflict resolution theory and practice (pp. 21-40). Jossey-Bass
Publishers.
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The Softened Start-Up
How a conflict conversation starts determines how the entire interaction plays out. Indeed, you can predict
the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes. Imagine for a moment that someone
approaches you with a complaint: if they do not try to blame you or criticize your actions, you are likely to
remain calm and open to what they have to say without feeling defensive.
You can think of conflict ‘start-ups’ in two ways: harsh and softened.
Harsh Start-Ups
A harsh start-up is when someone brings up an issue or complaint using criticism and blame to make their
point. This way of approaching potential conflict conversations can be extremely damaging to any relationship,
including intimate, workplace, friends, or family relationships, among others. Harsh startups often include
“You” statements and language like “always” and “never.”
always
You ...
never
Softened Start-Ups
A soft start-up is about gently approaching potential conflicts so that the other person is more likely to listen
to what you have to say. Softened start-ups tend to use “I” statements that avoid criticism and blame,
explain your concerns, and describe what you need while being respectful, non-judgmental, and courteous.
feel
I ...
need
This exercise will guide you through the process of formulating softened start-ups to potential conflict
conversations.
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Step 1: Understanding harsh and softened start-ups
While conflict is an inevitable part of life, how we choose to approach potential conflict determines how that
conversation will play out. If you are critical or judgmental, you will likely receive negativity and defensiveness
in return. A harsh start-up can feel like a direct attack on someone’s character. For example, “You always
spend too much money!”, “Why can you never get things are done on time?” or “You never do anything
around here.”
Softening the start of a conversation is crucial to managing and resolving conflicts with your spouse or
partner, your children, friends, or coworkers. A softened start-up allows you to voice your concerns and
needs without blaming the other person. This makes it more likely they will be receptive to your complaint
because your words and tone are not accusatory, judgmental, or negative.
Using the examples above, softened alternatives include, “I would like to sit down together and work out
how we can budget our money better,” “We talked about a deadline for the project and agreed on a schedule,
please give this all of your attention,” and “I like when we work together to get things done.”
More examples can be found in Appendix.
Golden rules for softening your start-ups:
■ Complaining is okay but criticizing and blaming are not. When statements start with the word “You”
instead of “I,” they are more likely to make the other person upset and defensive so try starting your
sentence with an “I” statement. Avoid using words like “always” and “never,” which can be seen as
attacking another person’s character.
■ Instead of criticizing, judging, or blaming, describe what is happening using facts.
■ Be clear about what it is that you need and avoid talking about what you do not need.
■ Be polite and show appreciation. Use phrases such as “please......” and “I would appreciate it if you
would....”
Step 2: Identify a past conflict
In this step, you will take a moment to think of a conflict you had in the past. This could be with a work
colleague, family member, spouse, or partner, for example. Using the space below, describe what happened,
including what was said and the outcome of the disagreement.
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Step 3: Forming a softened alternative
Now that you have recalled a past conflict, you will think about how you might have approached the
conversation in a gentler, non-confrontational way. A useful formula to follow when creating a softened
start-up is:
1 I Make an “I” statement
2 feel ... describe how you feel
describe the situation, be neutral,
3 about ...
do not blame
explain what you need so that things
4 I need...
can be improved
Take some time to think about this past conflict and, using the formula, write your softened start-up in
the corresponding spaces below. If required, additional examples of softened start-ups can be found in
Appendix.
I feel...
About…
I need…
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Step 4: Reflection
■ What was it like to complete this exercise?
■ What did this exercise teach you about conflict?
■ In what ways has this exercise changed how you think about approaching potential conflict?
■ In what ways did you find this exercise to be helpful?
■ What insights have you gained from this exercise?
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Appendix: Examples of harsh and softened start-ups
HARSH START-UPS SOFTENED START-UPS
You can’t even finish the simplest project I feel a little anxious that the project hasn’t been
on time! completed; I would appreciate it if you gave it your
full attention to get things finished up.
You are impossible to deal with! I feel frustrated about how this conversation is
going. It would be great to sit down and talk about
the issue together.
You never want to talk about your day. I feel upset when we don’t reconnect after work,
and I need to spend some quality time together
this week.
You make me so mad when you don’t listen I feel frustrated when I can’t get my point across, and
to what I’m saying! I need to talk about the things that are bothering me.
You are so untidy - you never help with the I appreciate it when you tidy up the house;
cleaning. sometimes, I need help.
You work too much. I feel quite lonely and have been missing you lately.
I would love to do something special together this
weekend.
The trouble with you is your selfishness; we I find it quite upsetting when I don’t get to do
always do what you want to do. the things I enjoy, and I’d love for us to go hiking
together. How does that sound?
You think you’re the only one good enough I understand that you want to take the lead on this
to lead this project. You’re always taking over, project, but we work well together. I have some
and it’s so annoying! really good ideas and would like to move forward as
equal partners.
You are so irresponsible with our money. I am quite worried about our finances and would
like to save some money over the next few months.
What do you think?
You never get up through the night to feed I have been feeling very tired lately because I’m not
the baby; it’s always left up to me to do it. sleeping well. I would be so thankful if we took turns
so I could get a good night’s sleep.
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