Summary of the novel “Girl in white cotton" by Avni Doshi.

I would be lying if I said my mother’ s misery has never given me pleasure.

The novel begins with Antara telling us that her mother is forgetting things. She reflects her
mother's suffering and how it has never brought them pleasure. They believe her pain is a
form of redemption and rebalancing of the universe. However, they now find it difficult to
reconcile with her memory loss. Antara suspects her madness and tries to comfort her by
mentioning her past actions. However, her maid, Kashta, remains skeptical, and the Antara is
unable to sleep for the rest of the night. Despite her madness, the Antara feels humiliated by
her mother's memory loss. Antara describes their mother's declining memory and
forgetfulness, which has led to her losing her speech, bladder control, and breathing. Her
husband, Dilip, suggests that her memory may need occasional rehearsal. Antara writes
stories from her past on paper and keeps them in her flat. On the day she forgets the name of
a road, she calls Antara to tell them she bought a pack of razors and would use them if
circumstances worsened. Antara feels bad for her, but knows she would never spend so much
money on such a thing. Antara decides to compromise and let her express her emotions.
Antara has been keeping track of their mother's details, such as her sleeping hours, reading
glasses, and breakfast Mazorin filos. They have noticed her ability to memorize recipes and
recall various tea variations. Antara recalls her mother's experience with killing goats during
Bakra Eid and the metallic taste of blood. Antara’s mother wanted to escape from the house
and her grandmother, and they stayed near the river during a time of mourning and boarding
school. Antara stomach grunted, fearing they would disappear again. They take a bus, but
Antara cannot read the sign on it. The bus drops them near a river, and as the sun rises, they
see colourful reflections in the water from spilled petrol. After spending some time there, they
return home once the day gets hot.
At home, Antara’s grandparents, Nani and Nana, are worried and ask where they had been.
The mother lies, saying they never left the compound (the area where they live). Even though
the place is too small to get lost in, the grandparents believe her because they want to. The
mother is a skilled liar, and Antara admires her ability to lie so convincingly.
The grandparents ask the watchman if he saw anything, but he is often asleep and does not
know. In the end, everyone sticks to their own version of the story. Antara, not yet brave
enough to speak the truth, repeats the mother’s lie. They have not yet learned to question
things or stand up for themselves—they are still obedient, like a dog.
Antara wishes they could be like Ma, but the mother vanishes in front of them, turning
inanimate and breaking the spell. Antara wishes India allowed assisted suicide like the
Netherlands, for the dignity of the patient and everyone involved. Antara should be sad
instead of angry.
Antara is in a doctor's office with her mother, observing a broken clock on the wall. The
dysfunctional clock, with its erratic second hand, mirrors the unpredictable nature of her
mother’s cognitive decline. The atmosphere in the waiting room is tense, and the Antara’s
growing anxiety is heightened by the strange ticking sounds. Her mother, Ma, dozes beside
her, unaware of the passage of time.

Inside the doctor's room, her mother is given a simple cognitive test: drawing a clock. She
begins well but soon loses track of the numbers, a sign of memory loss. When asked the date,
she hesitates, unable to recall it correctly, fumbling between centuries. The doctor, observing
her mistakes, discusses the possibility of cognitive impairment but refrains from diagnosing
Alzheimer's definitively. He mentions medical procedures like spinal fluid extraction and
brain scans but remains non-committal. Antara, frustrated and confused, demands clarity, but
the doctor only confirms that her mother’s memory is deteriorating. He explains that her
brain appears normal on scans, yet her forgetting is real, a contradiction that unsettles the
Antara.

The doctor sketches a cloud-like shape to represent the brain, filling it with notes about
synaptic decline and amyloid plaques, which are associated with Alzheimer's. He asks a
series of medical history questions—past head injuries, exposure to toxins, family history of
memory loss, and even HIV/AIDS—though the narrator realizes these inquiries won’t change
the inevitable outcome. He then discusses Donepezil, a common drug used for cognitive
decline, listing its side effects, though he downplays the risks.

On the way home, Ma scolds her daughter for biting her nails, an old habit. Antara tries to
suppress her frustration as Ma speaks about her disappointment in her life. She seems to drift
between lucidity and confusion, sometimes coherent, sometimes lost in fragmented thoughts.
In their home, Antara and Ma share tea and digestive biscuits, while the house itself reflects
Ma’s mental state disorganized and filled with neglected objects like unread newspapers.

Antara has a sore throat and ask Kashta to prepare a remedy using honey and ginger. The
mother who has been silent, finally speaks up and suggests adding a small piece of fresh
turmeric. She describes the size of the turmeric piece in an unusual way-- comparing it to a
baby foreskin- while using her fingers to show the exact movement. Antara is uncomfortable
with her mother’s language, tells her to stop talking about foreskin, but Ma dismisses her as
being too sensitive. Antara, in an effort to regain control, begins organizing small things—
consolidating salt shakers, separating mung beans by shade, a compulsive act that gives her
momentary relief.

Later, Antara finds Ma asleep on the sofa and imagines what she will look like in death—her
face slack, her body surrounded by forgotten objects. She reflects on the performance of
living, wondering if being observed keeps people anchored in reality. Her old bedroom,
untouched since she moved out, feels like a separate entity in the apartment, preserved in a
state of symmetry and order that contrasts with the rest of the house.
Ma has become increasingly obsessed with politics, shouting at the television whenever the
prime minister appears. She blames him for her misfortunes, even her failure to find true
love. One night, Antara wakes to find her mother standing naked by the window, staring at
her own reflection. She mistakes her own daughter’s reflection for her own, momentarily
unable to differentiate between them. For a brief, chilling moment, Ma does not recognize her
daughter. This moment of confusion, however fleeting, terrifies Antara if her mother does not
know her, she feels like she ceases to exist. Shaken, she calls the doctor late at night, only to
be met with irritation. He advises her to educate herself about the disease’s progression. His
detached a tone makes her feel as if she is failing some test of preparedness.

Antara throws herself into research, despite never being interested in science before. She
studies the chemical composition of Donepezil, realizing it works by inhibiting an enzyme in
the brain. However, she also learns that acetylcholine, the neurotransmitter it preserves, can
be toxic in high amounts and is present in nerve gas and pesticides. She wonders about the
paradox of medicine—that a small dose can heal, but too much can kill.

She also learns about Helicobacter pylori, a bacteria that causes ulcers and cancer but,
paradoxically, protects children from asthma. This leads her to reflect on the precariousness
of balance in the body. She researches alternative treatments, finding online forums filled
with people who distrust Donepezil. Krill oil emerges as a recommended supplement for
brain health, supposedly superior to fish oil due to its chemical composition. As she copies
molecular structures from her screen onto paper, she realizes her sketches resemble krill
themselves—an odd fusion of science and nature.

When she attempts to purchase krill oil, she is warned about shipping delays and spoilage in
high temperatures.
My husband, Dilip, moved to Pune for work and met me at a German Bakery. We chatted,
and he asked about my work and my drawing. I explained that artists can't be afraid to share
secrets with strangers. Dilip asked if I wanted to go out for dinner that weekend and if I knew
any restaurants in Ashram Lane. We bonded over our shared interests and shared a laugh,
despite the strained relationship. Antara recalls spending some of their childhood in an
ashram, a place filled with basil, grape tomatoes, and banyan trees. They mention a table
hidden in the corner, perfect for an affair. Antara enjoys making up stories and often sleeps
with friends or met through friends, but never on a date. Dilip tells the story differently,
describing the feeling he had when he saw Antara, claiming she looked like a bohemian artist.
Dilip is prone to exaggeration, claiming his sister is beautiful when she is not. Antara's
wedding in Pune only lasted two days, which his mother insisted on. Antara recounts their
wedding to Dilip, a US-based Indian man, and his American relatives. Dilip's mother gave
them a birth chart to ensure their stars aligned with her son's. Antara's mother (Tara), who lost
her birth certificate, called the Antara four months before the wedding to inform her that
Mangal, the red planet, was in a dangerous aspect and placed in the house of marriage. Antara
was accused of being a manglik and warned that her fiery energies could kill her son. Pandit
(a Hindu priest) visits the Antara’s home to perform a ritual. The Antara's mother-in-law had
arranged for this because she believed there was too much of the planet Mars in her daughter-
in-law’s horoscope, which was supposedly bad for her husband.

Antara's mother (Ma) is skeptical of the ritual and dismisses it as superstitious nonsense. She
even takes an incense stick from the Pandit and waves it around mockingly. However, the
Pandit remains calm and continues his work, arranging fruits, flowers, milk, and fabrics as
part of the ceremony.

As the ritual continues, the heat inside the flat becomes overwhelming. Antara sneezes and
notices dark, bloody mucus in her hand, which she takes as a bad omen. Meanwhile, the
Pandit arranges rice grains into swastikas, places betel nuts to represent planets, and performs
prayers that Antara does not fully understand.

Finally, the Pandit presents four small bronze idols and tells the Antara that, for that day, one
of them represents her husband. Antara is forced to symbolically marry the Hindu god Vishnu
before her real marriage. The Pandit explains that this will absorb her "bad energies" so that
her actual husband does not suffer.

During the ceremony, Antara holds a small idol of Vishnu and performs wedding rituals,
including circling the fire. A mangalsutra (a sacred necklace) is placed around her neck, and
sindoor (red powder) is applied to her hair parting, marking her as a married woman.
However, immediately after the ritual, the mangalsutra is torn off, and the sindoor is wiped
away, symbolizing her "divorce" from Vishnu. Antara looks in the mirror and sees the red
marks left on her face and neck, realizing how violent the process felt.

After the ceremony, the Pandit shakes her hand and casually asks for a donation and tea,
showing how routine these rituals are for him.

A month before her actual wedding to Dilip, Antara accompanies him to Bombay airport to
pick up his mother. Dilip arranges for a large car with air conditioning to accommodate all
her luggage. When they arrive, they see his mother standing outside, fanning herself with a
brochure and impatiently waving away drivers. The arrival of Dilip's mother in India after ten
years. She is a short woman but has a strong presence, standing firmly and unintentionally
pushing people aside. She wears a pink outfit hat, sandals, trousers, and a t-shirt all in the
same shade. At first, her face looks like she is scowling, but when she sees her son, she
excitedly waves at him.

As they drive from Mumbai to Pune through the Western Ghats, she constantly comments on
everything she sees. She points out garbage on the roadside, complains about the toll booths
being inefficient, and sarcastically remarks that India hires three people for a job that only
needs one.

When they reach Pune, the modern highway with colourful billboards changes into narrow
streets filled with small businesses like motels, restaurants, and bike shops. At a traffic light,
they see two young boys coming out of a nearby slum, squatting and rubbing their eyes.
Seeing this, Dilip's mother reacts with disgust, complaining that they should use the public
toilet nearby instead of relieving themselves in the open. The narrator silently disagrees but
says nothing, hoping the traffic will move soon. As they waited at the traffic light, Dilip's
mother continued to react strongly to the boys from the slum. When a third boy joined them
and moved closer to the road, she became even more agitated.
"This is a crazy!" she exclaimed.

Dilip, amused, told her to let it go. But instead, she called them shameless and took out her
phone to record them. Antara felt uncomfortable and hoped the boys wouldn’t notice, but
they did. All three stood up and stared directly at their car.

Luckily, the light changed, and they drove away. Dilip’s mother laughed and kept watching
the video throughout the ride. Antara tried to distract her by pointing out beautiful sights in
Pune, since it was her first time visiting the city. She described the army base with its vast
greenery, the ancient banyan trees providing shade, and the unique dry climate of Pune,
which was very different from Bombay’s humidity.

She also suggested places to visit: the historic Shaniwar Wada fortress, a beautiful Shiva
temple, and her favourite sweet shop. As they passed the Pune Club—where the wedding and
reception would take place—she excitedly told Dilip’s mother how special it was for her. Her
grandparents had been members for over forty years, and even though her mother never
showed interest, she and Dilip would soon become members.

She recalled how she and Dilip had first talked about marriage there, over a beer after a
swim. However, she didn’t mention some of her darker memories of the place—like times
she had felt like an outsider, sitting outside its grand gates. Some things, she thought, were
best left unsaid until after the wedding.
As Dilip's mother looked around, she gave a small nod and smiled thinly. She commented on
how the British had built some beautiful buildings.

In the weeks leading up to the wedding, the summer heat in Pune was unbearable. It was so
extreme that people, animals, and even dogs collapsed in the streets. One particularly hot day,
Dilip and his mother came over for lunch at the narrator’s flat. She felt frustrated because
Pune seemed to be making a bad impression.

She suddenly became overly aware of all the city’s flaws—the unbearable heat, the thick,
suffocating air, and the general chaos she had previously overlooked. It felt as if she had
started seeing Pune through Dilip’s and his mother’s eyes, realizing how much he had
adjusted over time. She began to wonder: Should she try to hide the city's imperfections?
Could she even tell which parts of her life were worth covering up and which were part of its
charm?

While Dilip and his mother sat comfortably drinking coconut water and nimbu pani
(lemonade), they had no idea that Antara had spent the entire week preparing for their visit.
She had repainted the walls, removed cracked mirrors, and repaired torn sofa covers, all to
make a good impression.

Dilip’s mother had a habit of wearing unusual colours and, as they noticed, was particularly
fond of hats. When she entered the house, Antara’s mother (Ma) tried to hide her amusement
at the woman’s odd outfit. Antara, too, couldn’t help but find her appearance funny. However,
despite knowing that Dilip’s mother wasn’t particularly stylish or perceptive, her disapproval
of Pune still stung.
After lunch, we sat on our small terrace to discuss the wedding preparations. It was the time
of day when our neighbours gathered on their balconies, which looked like small stacked
boxes. They waved their arms to shoo away pigeons and crows and checked their laundry
drying in the sun. Sweat formed on our faces as we sat in the heat. Below, I noticed a woman
sweeping the ground with a broom made of reeds. Her hair was thin at the crown, but she had
a thick salt-and-pepper braid wrapped around itself. The sound of her broom scraped the
ground as she swept leaves and dirt into neat piles, only for them to scatter again.
The air smelled of burning garbage and fuel, but we didn’t go inside. Compared to the loud
horn of a passing train nearby, the compound felt quiet.

Antara looked at the sky, feeling a sense of relief that after spending so many years here,
Antara would finally be leaving. Then Antara looked at Dilip. He was tall and handsome,
with an appearance that made it clear he had grown up abroad—his baseball caps, polite
manners, and years of drinking American milk had shaped him. He was saving me from this
life, even though he didn’t realize it. He smiled at something my mother said, revealing his
perfectly straight teeth from years of wearing braces.

Later, while eating a bowl of sweet rabri, my mother-in-law turned to Ma and said, Tara-ji,
the pandit wants to discuss the wedding ceremony. He asked if you have any relatives, maybe
a couple, who can sit inside the mandap and give the bride away in your place.
During a conversation about the wedding, Dilip's mother hesitated before telling Tara that
usually, when a mother is widowed, other relatives perform the ritual of giving away the
bride. Tara firmly corrected her, stating that she was not a widow. Dilip's mother was visibly
uncomfortable, while Dilip, focused on his dessert, later admitted that he had told his
American relatives that Tara was widowed rather than divorced, as it was less controversial in
their conservative circles.

Reflecting on her past, Antara recalls watching stray dogs from her balcony after school. She
observed their daily lives—resting, dodging traffic, and occasionally fighting or mating. As a
child, she struggled to distinguish between aggression and intimacy among the dogs. At night,
when she was supposed to be asleep, she would listen to their howls and battles, a chaotic yet
familiar background to her childhood.
One morning on her way to school, Antara saw a sick puppy near the gate, trembling with
worms and covered in fleas. Its tail was missing, leaving behind a bloody wound. This
memory contrasts with her life after marrying Dilip, where the stray dogs near his house are
well-fed and neutered by local housewives. These dogs live a more comfortable life, sniffing
the air and begging for food.

After moving into Dilip’s apartment in June, Antara noticed the monsoon was delayed, which
people believed was a bad sign. Farmers blamed priests for not pleasing the gods, while
priests blamed farmers for their lack of devotion. In the city, people discussed climate change
instead. The nearby river would rise and fall, but during the monsoon, it would flood with
brown, roaring water.

Dilip appreciates how Antara has no strong body odor, unlike the intense smells he
encounters in Pune. He grew up in Milwaukee, where life was quiet and clean, and the
overwhelming sounds and scents of India sometimes feel too much for him. However, as long
as their home remains a place of calm and familiarity, he feels he can manage life in Pune.
When Antara moved into Dilip’s flat, he told everyone that their lives blended together
smoothly, without any major changes. Aware of his dislike for disruptions, she carefully
removed traces of his past relationships.

She started by getting rid of bed sheets and towels that other women might have used. Then,
she removed books, clothes, and any gifts they had given him. Books with romantic poetry
were easy to identify by the notes written inside. Slowly, she erased every sign of their
existence—old photographs, letters, souvenirs from trips, and even small things like hotel
pens, city-themed t-shirts, and beach shells. These efforts might have been extreme, but
Antara wanted a home and marriage that felt completely her own, with no lingering
memories of the past.
Antara and her mother are cooking together, roasting an eggplant and preparing a meal. Her
mother visits rarely because she dislikes the mirrors in the house. While Dilip likes the
mirrors because they make the house look grand, her mother finds them unsettling because
they reflect everything multiple times.

At dinner, Dilip asks Antara’s mother how she is feeling. She talks about being scared when
the doctor gave her some news, even thinking about ending her life. But now, she feels fine
and doesn’t believe she is sick. Antara, however, insists that her mother is forgetting things—
like how to use her phone or pay bills. Her mother downplays it, saying she never really
knew how to pay bills in the first place.

Antara then brings up how her mother recently asked to call a friend who had been dead for
years. Her mother argues over the number of years and accuses Antara of lying. This leads to
tension at the table, and they drop her mother home after dinner.

On the way back, Antara complains to Dilip about her mother’s behavior. Dilip, however,
suggests that maybe her mother wants to forget certain things rather than truly losing her
memory. He questions why Antara is forcing her to accept the illness. This frustrates Antara,
who feels she is only trying to help.

The story also gives insight into Antara’s life as an artist. She has always been fascinated with
collecting objects and studying them. Before marriage, she had a studio in her grandmother’s
house where she studied and drew everyday objects. After moving in with Dilip, she used the
guest room as her studio. She has been working on an art project for three years, where she
copies a drawing every day. Over time, the drawings change slightly, revealing how
impossible it is to create a perfect copy. Her work was displayed in a gallery and received
some attention, though it did not sell.

Her mother, however, was deeply upset by her artwork. She saw it as a betrayal and even
tried to hit her with a rolling pin when she returned home. Hurt and confused, Antara asked
why she could not make the art she wanted. Her mother told her to leave the house, and they
did not see each other again until Antara came back with Dilip to announce her engagement.
She visits her father and grandmother to share the news of her mother’s illness.She first goes
to her father’s house, where he lives with his new wife and their teenage son. The house is in
a quiet area surrounded by trees, with the sound of air force drills in the background. Her
father, a strict and distant man, greets her with a mild reprimand for not answering his calls.
She hands him the doctor's report, which he reads slowly. He expresses sadness about her
mother’s condition and offers to help.
His new wife and their son join them. Antara observes them, noticing how her half-brother
has grown up and how her father and his wife look alike. After a short, formal conversation,
she leaves, as she always does, knowing they won’t meet again for months.

On her way home, she stops at her grandmother’s house, where an old servant, Chanda Bai,
greets her warmly. She washes her face in a small, broken sink before sitting with her
grandmother, Nani, who is cross-legged on a charpai (a traditional wooden bed). Nani talks
about the local government’s corruption and reminisces about the past, including the time she
and her husband bought this house from an old Parsi woman.

Antara finally tells her grandmother about her mother’s illness, explaining that she is
becoming forgetful. Nani dismisses it, saying it’s because she never married, and
forgetfulness runs in the family. Antara recalls how her grandfather used to forget that Nani
could not read and how she would angrily push the newspaper away.

The conversation takes an unsettling turn when Nani comments on the mother’s weight,
saying her swollen fingers will make it difficult to remove her jewellary when she dies.

Antara spends a lot of time with her mother, making sure she is safe and taken care of, even
though her mother sometimes gets annoyed. While waiting at a parlour, Antara reads a
magazine that talks about relationships and morning routines. She reflects on her own
marriage with Dilip, noticing how different they are. He sees things in a simple, direct way,
while she overthinks and finds meaning in every word. Their relationship has changed over
time, and she feels disconnected from him.

She also visits her grandmother, Nani, and looks at old photographs of her mother, Tara. In
the past, Tara was rebellious—smoking, drinking, and meeting strangers. Then, she suddenly
changed, wearing only white like the followers of an ashram. Nani believes Tara changed for
love, but Antara isn’t so sure. Looking at these pictures, she feels that her mother has
forgotten who she once was, and she wants to remind her.

Tara’s marriage to Antara’s father seemed happy at first, but it didn’t last. She tried to fit into
society’s expectations—cutting her hair, wearing colorful clothes, and planning for a stable
future. However, after a few years, Antara’s father left for America with a new wife, leaving
Tara behind. The past still affects Antara deeply, making her struggle with her identity and
relationships.

Dilip suggests meeting Antara’s father, but she avoids the topic, feeling too afraid to face him
after all these years. Antara and Dilip are sitting at the Club, a place full of childhood
memories, where people gather for drinks and games. Dilip wants to fix things, believing
every problem has a solution, but Antara knows some wounds run too deep. She smiles at
him, pretending to agree, but inside, she knows that the pain from her past can’t be easily
healed.
Antara father grew up moving from place to place because his father was in the army. He had
to make friends by giving them gifts, often liquor from his family's collection. His mother
(Antara’s grandmother) came from a royal background and was proud of it. She never cooked
and ensured her daughters married into good families. However, when her husband suddenly
died, her world changed.

Antara's father got married in a traditional ceremony. He looked young and confused in the
pictures, as if he didn’t fully understand what marriage meant. Antara imagines how her
mother felt afraid, surrounded by unfamiliar people, stepping into a life she didn't choose.

After marriage, her mother faced difficulties in her new home. Her mother-in-law (Antara’s
grandmother) had strange habits, like eating pickled garlic daily and plucking her facial hair
without a mirror. She gave her old saris to her daughter-in-law and made her sit beside her,
listening to music for hours. She also insisted that the young bride stand by the door every
evening, waiting for her husband to return. At first, the mother obeyed, but eventually, she
refused.

Her husband was distant, focused on his studies, and close to his mother. The mother-in-law
planned for them to move to America so her son could study further—and she insisted on
going with them. This made the Antara's mother feel trapped.

When she got pregnant, she started rebelling in small ways—growing her hair, throwing
away old saris, and secretly smoking. She began visiting a spiritual guru. Eventually, she
stopped caring about what others thought. Even after giving birth to Antara, she continued
going to the guru and sometimes didn’t come home.

Antara later discovers her mother’s old clothes in a metal cupboard. She sees her mother’s
bright, expensive wedding saris, meant for a happy married life. But below them, she finds
simple white clothes—the colour of widows and spiritual seekers. These white clothes
symbolized how her mother left her old life behind. For Antara, they felt like a prison,
separating her from the rest of the world.

Antara walks from their flat to their mother’s home, passing through a busy city full of malls,
traffic, and new buildings. They reflect on their life with their husband, Dilip, who prefers
watching movies at home with subtitles.
At their mother’s home, Antara notices how things have changed, including the mother’s
cooking. A small disagreement over missing potatoes in a dish leads to a deeper conversation
about memory and past arguments. Antara keeps a notebook, writing down details, as if
keeping a record of their mother’s forgetfulness.

They sit on the balcony, where the mother has hung her old bras to dry. Antara urges her to
buy new ones, but she refuses, saying she doesn’t care what others think and wants to live life
on her own terms. This sparks another argument, as Antara feels their mother always puts
herself first and avoids responsibility.

Despite their conflicts, there is an unspoken bond between them. Antara wonders if their
mother truly enjoys her independent life or if she secretly wishes for someone to chase after
her and tell her she is needed. But instead of asking, they watch as she leans back, humming,
lost in her own world.
Dilip decides to become a vegetarian after reading about a male lion in an American zoo
killing a female lion in front of visitors. The news article questions whether captivity is
harmful to animals. Dilip has always disliked zoos and feels strongly about issues like racism,
sexism, and animal cruelty.

When his mother hears about his decision, she laughs, thinking it’s just a phase from his time
spent with vegetarian relatives. Antara, in turn, confesses to Dilip that as a child at an ashram,
she used to kill slugs with salt, believing they screamed. Dilip dismisses it, saying she was
just a kid.

Later, over dinner, Dilip shares a family story about his great-aunt Kamala, who wanted to
become a Jain nun. Her father refused and locked her up, but she starved herself for seven
days. When he finally opened the door, he found she had already started following Jain
traditions, even pulling out her own hair as a form of penance.

They argue over whether Jainism is truly about non-violence, since some of Dilip’s family
members don’t follow strict rules. Dilip reassures Antara that she doesn’t have to become
vegetarian, but he notices she is uncomfortable with the whole discussion. Antara, as she
reflects on her past and present, weaving memories of her childhood with her current
experiences. Her memories take her back to rituals her mother performed, believing they
would protect the family. She recalls her grandmother, Nani, who was born around the time
of Partition and whose past is a mystery. Nani insists that the horrors of Partition are
unforgettable, even though official records of her birth don’t exist.
Antara also remembers a strange ashram where her mother took her as a child. There, she
witnessed unsettling rituals, including a powerful leader ("the giant") leading a group in
strange chants and movements. The experience was confusing and overwhelming, with
people behaving erratically. She saw a girl being mistreated by a man, though at the time, she
couldn't fully understand what was happening. During this time, she met a mysterious woman
dressed in black, Kali Mata, who helped her and gave her comfort.

In the present, Antara is researching Alzheimer’s disease, trying to understand how memory
works and why some people forget while others don’t. Her mother, who seems to be
struggling with memory loss, suddenly tells Antara she smells like pineapple—suggesting
that she has started her period, something that always seems to coincide with the full moon.

Before she became kali her name was Eve, who lived in Pennsylvania with her husband
Andrew, their daughter Milly, and Andrew's mother, June. After June's sudden death, Eve
became deeply affected and started praying regularly. However, when her husband and
daughter died in a car crash, she couldn't bear the grief. She left her home and started a new
life, eventually ending up in India with a man named Govinda.

In India, Eve transformed herself—wearing black, living in the desert, and eventually joining
an ashram where she became known as Kali Mata. She followed a spiritual leader called
Baba, who was seen as a guru and father figure to many. The ashram grew into a large
community with modern comforts.

Antara, a young girl, grew up in this ashram with her mother and Kali Mata. Her mother was
deeply devoted to Baba, even symbolically marrying him. However, the Antara grandfather
disapproved and tried to take them back home, but her mother refused.

Years later, Antara tries to piece together memories of her past, especially about her mother.
She writes little notes to help her mother remember things, but her grandmother (Nani) tells
her that some of these memories might not be true. In the ends Antara giving Nani a key to
her mother’s bank locker, hinting at secrets yet to be uncovered.

Antara, a woman struggling with her mother’s worsening dementia while also dealing with
her own complicated emotions and relationships. She takes her mother, Ma, to a new doctor,
who confirms that her condition is deteriorating. Antara has been trying to help Ma by
engaging her in familiar activities, but she feels like her mother is "leaking"—losing pieces of
herself. She even creates a detailed chart to understand her mother’s decline, but the doctor
suggests therapy for Antara herself, as caregiving is taking a toll on her.
On their way home, they pass a church and a mosque, both filled with people, highlighting
the vibrant but chaotic life in Pune. That night, Antara struggles to sleep, feeling lost in the
disorder around her.

The next day, she goes out alone and meets her friend Purvi, a woman with whom she has a
complicated, possibly romantic past. As they walk and talk, Antara spots her father with his
second wife and child. She watches them from a distance, feeling invisible, unwanted, and
bitter about the life her father built without her and Ma.

Later, at home, Antara watches TV with her husband, Dilip. When she asks him if he wants
children, he gives the same answer he always has: "So we can be like everybody else." Antara
is unsure if she even wants children, feeling trapped in a life where everything seems
predetermined and lacking true meaning.

1986.

Antara who grew up in an ashram, a spiritual community led by a man called Baba. She was
very close to a woman named Kali Mata, who took care of her, but her relationship with her
mother was complicated. Sometimes her mother was loving and caring, feeding her with her
hands and holding her at night. Other times, she was distant or even harsh, punishing the girl
without clear reasons.

The ashram was a strange place for the Antara. In the beginning, she struggled to adjust. She
often cried, refused to eat, and felt lost. Over time, she learned to survive—walking barefoot,
doing chores, and learning from Kali Mata. But she still had nightmares and hurt herself in
her sleep, so the adults tried different ways to control her movements, even making her wear
a diaper again.

The ashram was filled with different kinds of people—some deeply devoted to Baba, some
just passing through. Some people cried when they saw Baba, while others acted wildly
during meditation. Baba spoke about desire and joy, but the Antara never really understood
what he meant. She only watched everything silently, feeling like an outsider.

Eventually, in 1989, when Antara was seven years old, she and her mother left the ashram.
Even though she grew up and moved on, she still carries the memories of that little girl inside
her, as if a part of her past is always trying to come back to life.
Antara and her husband, Dilip, as they navigate their cultural differences and personal
struggles. She grew up in a chaotic place where light, sound, and smells always seep through,
while Dilip, who has lived in the U.S., prefers a controlled, sterile environment. They often
clash over their differing perspectives on life, culture, and habits.

Antara is an artist who sketches obsessively, capturing objects and faces in ways that
transform them into something unrecognizable. She describes her process as a form of
catharsis, where she keeps pushing her drawings until they take on a life of their own.

At a party, she and Dilip engage in casual drug use, and conversations revolve around diets
and health trends. Later, on their way home, she brings up the idea of her mother coming to
stay with them. Dilip is hesitant, as he knows the tense relationship she has with her mother.
He questions whether her presence would make things better or worse. This leads to an
unspoken conflict between them—she realizes she has shared too much with him, giving him
the power to challenge her decisions.

Their conversation ends in silence, both waiting for the other to break it, reflecting the deeper
emotional distance between them.
Antara, and her mother, who is aging and losing her memory. Antara moves her mother into
her small apartment, but their past conflicts and unresolved emotions create a lot of
tension.Antara struggles with feelings of resentment towards her mother, who has never truly
understood or supported her. Her mother often criticizes her choices, including her art. One
night, in a moment of madness, her mother burns Antara’s precious sketches, destroying years
of her work. This incident makes Antara realize that her mother might be beyond her help.

Later, Antara’s husband, Dilip, discovers a hidden photograph of a man that Antara had been
secretly drawing for years. He is shocked that she had lied about its existence. Antara finally
admits that the man in the photo was someone her mother once loved.

1989

Tara, decides to leave the ashram where they have been living. Tara, bruised and rejected by
Baba, takes Antara with her into an uncertain future. They find a ride to Pune Club, where
Tara makes desperate calls to her estranged husband (Antara's father) and parents, only to be
turned away.

With nowhere to go, Tara and Antara are forced to live outside the club, begging for food.
Tara, once belonging to an elite world, is now among beggars, rejected by both her past and
present. Meanwhile, Antara forms a bond with a stray dog, Candle, which symbolizes her
sense of displacement and longing for connection.
Eventually, Antara’s father comes to take them to her maternal grandparents' home. Here,
Tara is treated with disdain by her parents, who see her return as a tantrum rather than an act
of desperation. Antara is taken care of by Vandana, a servant, but their relationship turns
bitter when Antara, influenced by the class dynamics she observes, tries to assert power over
her.

Tara’s mental and emotional instability becomes more evident—she spends days in bed,
obsessively calling Antara’s father, harassing him as he plans to remarry. Despite her
mother’s erratic behaviour, Antara remains emotionally tethered to her, trapped in a cycle of
love and resentment. Antara witnessing her father finally giving her mother money, an
ambiguous moment that leaves her questioning his motivations and, for the first time,
considering leaving her mother behind.
Antara, waits outside her grandparents’ home with her suitcase. Her grandmother tells her to
behave well and try to make her father love her. When her father arrives in an old but well-
kept car, he takes her to his house, where his new wife greets her.

Antara tries her best to fit in—she eats like her father, doesn’t complain about missing
toiletries, and tries to help around the house. She spends most of her time sitting on the stairs,
watching the household staff move around. She wants to impress her father’s new wife, but
the woman barely notices her.

On the fifth day, Antara accidentally overhears that her father and his wife are moving to
America for three years. Her father does not tell her this himself; instead, his wife informs her
as if she had almost forgotten.

A week later, her grandfather comes to pick her up, and she leaves, realizing that her father is
not an important part of her life anymore. She pushes all thoughts of him to the back of her
mind, accepting that he has chosen to leave her behind.

Antara, who is visited by her friend Purvi and her husband for dinner. Antara is already
feeling tired and disconnected from them. Purvi’s husband, a wealthy businessman, boasts
about his family's success, his luxurious lifestyle, and his father’s influence. He also talks
about his new business idea involving medicinal mushrooms and parasites, trying to convince
Dilip, to invest.

Antara does not like Purvi’s husband and remembers a past argument where he threatened
her. She feels uncomfortable but pretends to go along with the conversation. As the evening
ends, she reflects on how tired she is of them and how little they mean to her now.
Later, in bed, Antara and Dilip remain silent. There is tension in their marriage, and they have
stopped communicating. The next day, Dilip’s mother calls, expressing concern about their
relationship and questioning whether the Antara's mother should live with them.

As time passes, Antara wonders about the struggles in their marriage and how they might
eventually make each other regret their past mistakes. Dilip, however, claims he does not
hold onto resentment.

Antara shares memories of her childhood, her mother, and her grandmother (Nani). Nani
often complained about the Antara mother, calling her difficult and rebellious. She recalled
how the mother had pierced her own nose and failed seventh grade twice. Antara remembers
sitting between Nani’s legs as she oiled her hair, a tradition her mother never liked. There was
tension in the family, and it seemed that Nani was the one who decided to send the Antara to
a boarding school, though no one openly admitted it. One day, without much explanation, the
family took her on a long car ride to a boarding school in Panchgani. Antara felt scared and
unprepared, and the journey made her feel sick.

When they reached the school, Antara saw a strict-looking nun named Sister Maria Theresa,
who would later become her teacher. The school looked different from what she had expected
—some parts were damaged from a fire, and the girls lived in a large gymnasium. Nani acted
as if everything was fine, but the narrator felt abandoned. As her family drove away, she
wished her mother would turn back and take her home, but that never happened. She felt like
a stranger in her own life, and as she settled into school, she decided to keep only a few
possessions in case she ever needed to leave.

At the school, the narrator met a girl named Mini Mehra, who became her friend. Mini helped
her adjust by teaching her small tricks, like how to eat the school food. However, life at Saint
Agatha Convent was harsh. The rules were strict, and the headmistress, Sister Maria Theresa,
was known as "The Terror." On the narrator’s second day, the nun discovered some scribbles
in her textbook and wrongly accused her of writing them. When the narrator hesitated, the
nun pinched her cheek hard. Later, while Antara was erasing marks in the book, she
absentmindedly drew small lines. Sister Maria Theresa caught her, got angry, and stabbed a
pencil into the narrator’s hand.

Despite the pain and shock, the narrator didn’t yet know how to be angry or resist. The next
day, her lessons with Sister Maria Theresa continued as if nothing had happened. The
punishments continued too—whenever Antara awas slow, the nun would dig her nails into
her skin or hit her with a ruler. Antara slowly learned about discipline, fear, and the strict
religious rules of the school. She realized that at Saint Agatha, "cleanliness" had little to do
with taking baths and that the punishments were considered a way to correct "sins." Through
it all, she began to understand the harsh reality of her new life.
In the shared bathroom, she and her friend Mini find a clever way to get more hot water for
bathing, but they live in constant fear of the strict nuns. One night, too scared to walk alone to
the toilet, the girl wets her bed. The next morning, she is humiliated by a nun and forced to
hold her soiled sheets for everyone to see, making her feel isolated and different from the
other girls.

Life at the school is tough. The students are frequently punished, and they even turn their
bruises into a game, pretending that the girl with the most marks is a bride or a queen.
Though she follows the school’s religious practices, she secretly prays to the gods her
grandmother had taught her about. Over time, she learns to hide her mistakes and control her
body, limiting how much she eats, drinks, and even urinates to avoid punishment. However,
this leads to a severe infection, and she faints in the dining hall. The school nurse
immediately calls for medical help when she notices the girl’s red urine, and she is taken to
the hospital.

Her mother and grandfather come to see her, and they decide to take her home. When she
returns, no one asks about her suffering at school. She has lost weight and carries scars, but
life goes on as if nothing happened. Her grandmother, Nani, tries to force her to eat by
threatening to send her away again, but the girl is no longer afraid. She has already seen the
worst, but she pretends to be scared and eats to keep Nani satisfied.
Antara's mother is struggling with memory loss and confusion. She forgets simple things, like
why she soaked mung or who used her belongings. She even starts imagining that someone
else is living in her house. Antara visits a doctor, who explains that memory fades gradually,
and suggests that talking and writing might help. However, the situation is difficult for
Antara, and her husband, Dilip, is emotionally distant, making her feel even more alone.

As time passes, the mother’s condition worsens. She leaves the house at night without
realizing it and hears the voice of her late husband, believing he is still around. Worried for
her safety, the narrator moves in with her. The house feels suffocating, like a trap, and she
starts feeling lost and overwhelmed. Even her grandmother, Nani, avoids talking about the
situation, which makes things harder. Antara watches helplessly as her mother becomes more
disconnected from reality.

One night, the mother suddenly accuses Antara of making shameful drawings that insult their
family. Antara is shocked and confused, not understanding why her mother believes this. She
comforts her and puts her to bed, but the incident leaves her deeply shaken. Meanwhile, Dilip
talks about moving to Dubai, making it clear that he is detached from the struggles she is
facing. Antara feels as if she is losing both her mother and her own sense of stability.

1993

Antara growing up in a troubled family. Her mother and grandmother (Nani) cannot tolerate
each other, so her mother moves into a small apartment with financial help from her
grandfather (Nana) and donations from an ashram. Antara struggles in school, especially with
Hindi, despite speaking it daily. She finds comfort in writing a secret diary, where she records
past events and grievances in a coded system.

One day, she wakes up to find her left eyebrow missing. Feeling embarrassed, she shaves off
the other one to make her face look even. This shocks her family, but her mother admires her
boldness. Isolated, she spends most of her time indoors, visited only by Kali Mata, who
brings books and small gifts. One day, while secretly smoking on the balcony, she sees an old
man undressing and later sketches him from memory.

When her mother’s spiritual guru (Baba) dies, his followers argue over his burial, but they
eventually cremate him. Her mother, who was his lover, feels proud, but Antara sees it as
shameful. This leads to a heated fight where she insults her mother, gets slapped, and in
anger, attacks her. Antara also struggles with overeating and digestive issues, yet her mother
continues to feed her. During a visit to a restaurant, a waiter named Reza Pine notices how
deeply she enjoys food and shares an unspoken moment with her mother, hinting at a hidden
connection.

1995

Antara, a thirteen-year-old girl, is going through major changes in her body and emotions.
She feels distant from her mother, angry at the world, and confused about how others treat
her. She notices how men and women react differently to her growing body and struggles
with self-acceptance. She befriends a man named Reza, who works in a bakery and has a
complicated past.

Reza is a photographer and an outsider in the art world. During the 1992-93 riots in Bombay,
he takes photos of the destruction but gets caught in the violence. A Muslim family, the
Shahs, saves him by letting him stay in their home. Over time, he grows close to their
daughter, Rukhsana, and marries her. Later, he exhibits his work, showcasing the family's life
during the riots, but critics find it unethical. The gallery removes his show, and his career
suffers.

Antara listens to Reza’s story but feels detached. She realizes that throughout her life, she has
been waiting for something—growing up, finding answers, and feeling fulfilled. However,
she fears that this habit of waiting will never leave her, even when she becomes old.
One day, a man named Reza moves into their flat, and the girl discovers him in bed with her
mother. She finds him unattractive and says so, but he just laughs it off. The neighbours
notice Reza’s presence and gossip about it, making the mother upset.

Reza is a carefree and rebellious person. He offers the girl a sip of whisky, plays with words,
and writes poems on city walls—only to paint over them later. He dislikes crowded places
and prefers hidden corners of the city where everything feels still.

Reza and the mother have an unusual relationship. He convinces her to swap clothes with
him, wearing her dupatta while she wears his jeans and shirt. They joke around, making the
girl laugh, but she also feels frustrated because they can switch identities while she is stuck
being herself.

Reza is curious about the girl’s thoughts and habits. He snoops through her personal lists and
asks questions, as if he is studying her. At first, she enjoys the attention, but later she realizes
that he is treating her like an experiment, making her feel exposed and vulnerable.

The girl asks her mother how long Reza will stay, and the mother responds by confessing her
love for him. The girl feels responsible for keeping him in their lives, even though she never
agreed to it.

Antara realizes that Reza was never a mentor or a role model for her. He was undisciplined
and careless. She understands that she was already who she was before he ever entered her
life.
Antara, a woman struggling with her mother’s declining mental state. She arranges for her
mother to live with Nani (her grandmother), hoping it will help. However, the change
confuses her mother even more. She begins wandering outside, unaware of where she is or
who she is. Sometimes, she calls out for Antara, believing she has forgotten to pick her up
from school. Strangely, she also asks for Reza Pine, a man who was once an important part of
their lives.
Reza had lived with Antara and her mother for nearly six years before suddenly disappearing.
While the world was in chaos—terrorist attacks, falling towers, and wars—Reza saw it as a
new opportunity. One day, he left to pursue his own ambitions and never returned. Antara
believes that her mother’s mental decline began after Reza left.

In 2002, Antara is accepted into J.J. School of Art in Bombay. She meets Professor Karhade,
who is supposed to be her advisor. However, when she tells him that she does not want to
paint, only draw, he is frustrated. He insists that painting and drawing go together, but Antara
refuses to change her mind. She tells him she is not flexible, just like the course, and decides
to leave.

Instead of studying at the art school, she stays as a paying guest near the Colaba Fire Station.
She spends her days reading about modern art and modifying old pictures by cutting out faces
and objects she does not want to remember. She later learns that what she has been doing for
years is called intervention art—changing existing images to create something new.

She attends gallery openings, observes the city changing around her, and realizes that while
everyone else is focused on building new things, she is more interested in breaking things
down to their essence. Antara understands that drawing is the only thing she truly knows.
While others see the world in colours, she sees it in lines—just like her art.
Antara and her husband, Dilip, live in Pune, where a new English family moves into their
building. The wife, Elaine, is friendly and has a little daughter, Lana, who reminds the
narrator of things she has never thought about before—like motherhood and the future.

Antara visits her mother often, telling her things she can’t share with others because her
mother forgets everything. She also struggles with her marriage. She once packed her bags
and planned to leave Dilip but couldn’t go through with it. Dilip has health issues, like
weakness and sweating, and the doctor says he needs vitamins.

One day, Antara realizes she hates everything in her house. She buys a new desk and starts
drawing again but feels empty. She calls her friend Purvi, who suggests she should have a
baby to feel better. This idea gives the narrator a sense of relief—if she has a baby, Dilip will
never leave her.

She also contacts a life coach who tells her that taking care of her mother might be affecting
her mind. The coach warns that reality is shaped by memories, and if her mother keeps
forgetting, the narrator might start doubting her own reality.
As time passes, Antara notice changes in her body—she gains weight, her scent changes, and
she starts feeling different. She even begins to wonder if her marriage is like her mother’s
past relationship, where her father left her mother. A therapist once told her that because her
father abandoned them, she now fears relationships.

Antara is thinking about how people always search for something better. She questions if
staying in one place is the right choice or if people are meant to keep moving. But the more
questions she asks, the more confused she feels—like scientists who discovered that the
world is more complicated than they once believed.
narrator trying to take care of her mother (Ma), who has memory problems, while also
preparing for the birth of her baby.

She and her husband, Dilip, set up a space for Ma in their home, but Dilip seems
uncomfortable about it. The narrator believes that a special diet might help improve Ma’s
brain function, so she strictly controls her food, giving her fats, probiotics, and herbal
medicines. She also removes all sugar from the house and tracks her health closely.

One day, Ma surprises the narrator by remembering her pregnancy. This small moment gives
Antara hope that her efforts are working. She also begins fasting along with Ma, believing
that it will help heal her. At night, she sketches images of the brain and the body’s healing
process, imagining that she can fix her mother’s illness.

The next morning, Antara wakes up feeling weak and hungry. She sees Ma digging through
boxes in what used to be her art studio. Ma finds an old photograph of a man named Reza and
asks where it came from. Antara tries to avoid the question, but Ma insists, recognizing
details in the picture. She reveals that she took the photo herself, and that the man, Reza, had
left before developing it. However, the picture was processed in Mumbai, which means
someone else must have taken it there.

Ma realizes that Antara has been hiding something from her. This discovery changes
everything, as Ma now understands that there is a deeper truth that has been kept from her.

2003

The opening introduces the Antara at an art exhibition. Antara drinks wine that has a sharp,
acidic taste and refills her plastic cup from a screw-top bottle, suggesting a casual or informal
setting.
She reads a curatorial essay on the wall, which talks about Anthropofagio, a concept in
Brazilian art that refers to cultural cannibalism—absorbing and transforming influences into
something new. The artist being showcased has just returned from a residency in Belo
Horizonte, a city in Brazil.

Outside, Antara shares a cigarette with another artist who criticizes the exhibition, calling the
work derivative (unoriginal). She, in turn, points out grammatical errors in the exhibition text,
and they laugh together.
Antara mentions that she is currently obsessed with Paul Thek, an artist known for his elusive
presence—he was often mentioned in the art world but never the centre of attention. This idea
of being a side note rather than the main event seems to resonate with her.

She attends an art exhibition where she meets Reza, a man from her past. They drink together
and later go to his apartment, where she senses decay and disorder but is drawn to him
anyway. He doesn’t mention his wife, and she doesn’t ask.

Reza takes her to a secret jungle party with his friends, Namita and Karan. The party is
chaotic, with loud music and drugs. Antara takes a sip of a drug-laced drink and starts
hallucinating—seeing glowing flowers, a giant snake, and insects crawling over her body.
She wakes up the next morning next to Reza, surrounded by dead moths that had flown into
the candlelight and died.

Their relationship continues in an unspoken way. They visit another art show, where Reza
shows interest in a painting made of torn book pages. The curator of the show is a
manipulative figure who preys on young, unknown artists.

Antara struggles with her past. She keeps getting calls from Kali Mata, an older woman who
cares for her, but she hates talking to her. She lies and tells people that her mother is dead,
feeling relief when they believe her.

Reza has a habit of taking out library books and blacking out words, then leaving them
around the city. Antara secretly steals things from his apartment—his fake library cards, dead
insects, and an old photograph of him. They continue sleeping together, but their connection
feels empty. Reza eventually disappears from her life, just like he had in the past. She isn’t
surprised this time.
She returns to Pune without finishing her degree and starts making unusual art about her
family. She creates a sculpture using dried mango skins and prints currency notes on them.
She also records herself eating mangoes, but the project fails when she mixes the chemicals
wrong, leaving her with a rash that takes months to heal.
Antara is trapped in her own lies. Each lie she tells is like building a wall around herself,
making it harder to escape. Her mother (Ma) is also trapped, but by her own illness.

She is worried that Ma might reveal her secret to her husband, Dilip. The secret is about Reza
Pine—a man she once loved, even though he had been in love with her mother before. She
had promised to be honest with Dilip about her past, but she lied. On their honeymoon, he
questioned her about a picture of a man she had drawn. Instead of telling the truth, she made
up another lie, saying it was just a random image. She kept lying, distancing herself from the
truth.

Now, Ma threatens to tell Dilip everything unless the Antara confesses to her. Antara
remembers her difficult relationship with her mother. Ma was cruel when she was younger—
comparing their bodies, making her feel insecure, and treating her more like a rival than a
daughter. This made Antara resent her mother, but she also understood that they were deeply
connected.

Ma is crying, and Antara feels conflicted. She wishes she had destroyed the picture of Reza
Pine earlier and told Dilip everything. She starts questioning if the truth even matters now, as
she is pregnant and about to start a family with Dilip.

While thinking, she hears a loud drilling noise outside, making her feel overwhelmed. For a
moment, she has dark thoughts—wondering what would happen if she pushed her mother out
of the window. But then she reminds herself that she is safe.

She finally tells Ma, "Okay, I’ll tell you whatever else you want to know," but first, they need
to have breakfast. She asks the maid to get sugar from the neighbours and calls the driver to
bring something. The driver arrives with a red box of Mazorin biscuits, which seem to be
something special to Ma. When Ma eats them, she seems to lose herself in the taste,
forgetting everything else. By the time Dilip comes home, she is just sitting there, smiling
and staring at nothing. Antara watching her mother sink into her own world, lost in her
thoughts and memories.
Antara is about to give birth and is in pain while standing on the balcony. Her husband, Dilip,
calls for her, and Kashta helps her put on her sandals, but her feet are too swollen. She
worries about leaving her mother alone and calls her grandmother to come over. Since their
driver is missing, they take a rickshaw. On the way, she watches her belly move and suddenly
feels like it no longer belongs to her. She wonders how her body will change after birth, and
the thought makes her nauseous. She leans out of the rickshaw and vomits.

After the delivery, she hears the doctors whispering that it’s a girl, but they don’t speak
directly to her. When she holds the baby, she doesn’t feel an immediate connection, but when
they take the baby away, she senses something missing. Everyone waits for her reaction,
expecting joy, but she is too exhausted to express anything. Later, the baby struggles to latch
while breastfeeding, and the Antara begins to doubt herself. The nurse tries to help, but the
process is painful. Her body feels completely different—her breasts are swollen, her nipples
are cracked, and she wonders if she was always this way but never noticed before.

Her friend Purvi visits with gifts, and Dilip makes an insensitive joke about whether the baby
will survive long enough to wear the clothes. She realizes that while she and the baby have
suffered, Dilip remains untouched by it all. When her mother-in-law arrives, she suggests
names based on astrology, but the Antara refuses. Her mother unexpectedly says, “I’ll call my
baby Antara,” as if she has forgotten her daughter is already there. Antara wishes Kali Mata
were present, believing she would know exactly what to do. As she tries to rest, she stares out
the window at the evening sky, lost in her thoughts, feeling disconnected from everything
around her.
Antara feels exhausted and overwhelmed by her newborn baby, who constantly demands
attention. She feels like just a machine, only useful for feeding. Her body has changed, and
she feels insecure in front of her husband, Dilip, who adores the baby but cannot tolerate her
cries. She is sleep-deprived and regrets not resting more before becoming a mother. She finds
the baby rude and impatient, wondering how long it will take for her to grow up and become
independent. Yet, at times, she feels deeply connected to her daughter, as if they are twins.

She resents others helping with the baby, especially when they don't allow her mother to hold
her. However, when her mother nearly drops the baby, she reluctantly agrees that it might not
be safe. She also wishes she had been informed about keeping the umbilical cord longer for
health benefits. When the baby scratches her face, Antara nervously trims her nails for the
first time, saving the tiny clippings. Her mother-in-law mocks her for hoarding them, which
makes her furious. Feeling herself slipping into madness, she continues collecting the nail
clippings secretly, believing this craziness is part of motherhood, necessary for survival.

Antara who feels overwhelmed and exhausted. Her baby constantly needs her, and she feels
like she has lost herself in the process. She is physically drained—her body has changed, she
smells of milk, and she barely gets time to wash her face. She resents how much her life
revolves around the baby, and at times, she even feels angry at the child for being so
demanding. Her husband, Dilip, loves the baby, but she feels distant from him. Her mother-
in-law constantly interferes, controlling what she eats and comparing her struggles to her own
past hardships. This only makes the mother feel worse.
One day, the baby falls from the bed, and the mother breaks down. She questions whether she
can handle motherhood at all. Her mother-in-law scolds her, adding to her guilt. At the same
time, she resents how others take care of the baby, especially when they exclude her own
mother. She also starts to feel uncomfortable around her friend Purvi, who visits often but
reminds her too much of her old life. The mother begins to feel trapped—she dreams of
running away, of escaping her responsibilities, but she knows she cannot leave.

One night, she sits by the open window, looking outside and thinking about what it would be
like to be free. For a moment, she even considers what it would be like if the baby were gone.
But then she holds the child tightly, realizing she could never do such a thing. By morning,
she makes a decision—she tells her mother-in-law that she and Dilip can choose the baby’s
name. This makes her mother-in-law happy, but the Antara still struggles with her own
identity. She reflects on her own name, Antara, which means "intimacy" but was really Un
Tara—not Tara, unlike her mother. She realizes that her mother had named her this way in an
attempt to make her different, but instead, it created a divide between them. She wonders how
to protect her own daughter from the same burden.

Finally, as the baby sleeps, she watches her breathe and decides that, secretly, she will call her
Kali, after the powerful goddess. Despite her struggles, she is beginning to accept her role as
a mother and form a deep connection with her daughter.
Antara, a fourteen-year-old girl named Antara, takes a long journey to Goa with her mother
and Reza, who seems to be close to them. They travel by bike, with Antara sitting at the back
and her mother in the middle. As they ride through forests, hills, and villages, the scenery
changes, and Antara watches everything pass by.

When they reach their destination, Candolim House, they are welcomed by the owner,
Pepper, who has a small son. Pepper gives them a room, which is simple and reminds Antara
of her grandmother’s house. That night, they all sleep together in a single bed, and in the
morning, she sees men climbing coconut trees, knocking down fruit.

For breakfast, Pepper cooks Goan sausages, eggs, and fried bread. As Antara eats, she
watches Pepper’s son playing with a toy gun, pretending to shoot the characters in a cartoon.
Later, they head to the beach. On the way, they pass through markets and colourful shacks,
where Antara’s mother pulls her close to avoid the scooters rushing past.

At the beach, they meet a man named Herman, who owns the only shack there. He offers
them water and smokes a pipe. Antara watches her mother and Reza undress and run into the
sea. Her mother encourages her to join, but she hesitates. She watches the waves and
imagines her mother drowning. When her mother resurfaces, Antara’s heart pounds.
Eventually, Reza convinces her to come in. Feeling self-conscious, she removes her clothes
and steps toward the water while Herman assures her he’ll watch their belongings.

Later, Herman takes them to Old Goa, where they visit the Basilica of Bom Jesus and see the
preserved body of Saint Francis Xavier. Herman tells them a story—people loved the saint so
much that they refused to let the Church take his body to Rome. There were even rumors that
locals tried to eat his flesh because they saw him as their true savior. Eventually, priests came
at night and cut off his arm, and even after years, it still bled.

That evening, they have dinner at Herman’s shack. He shows Antara how to pull a fish
skeleton out in one piece, making it look like a comb. Reza, drinking beer and palm feni,
compliments her, saying she is beautiful like her mother. Herman talks about his dream of
opening a spa in an old Portuguese house and jokes with Pepper about running it.

As the night goes on, they relax on the beach. Antara leans against her mother, feeling
comforted. Her mother tells her that she was once smaller than a grain of sand inside her
womb, and Antara believes it for a moment.

At the end of the night, as Reza sleeps under her mother’s shawl, Antara dances with Herman.
He slowly dips her backward, and in that moment, she sees Reza watching her, his face
upside down against the starry sky.

Antara who struggles with her complex relationships with her family, particularly her mother
and husband. She lives in a crowded household with her husband Dilip, their baby Anikka,
her mother, and her mother-in-law. She feels trapped in this environment, longing for solitude
while dealing with the tensions between different family members. Her mother-in-law tries to
be overly kind to her, which she perceives as manipulative, while her own mother suffers
from memory loss and emotional instability. The narrator secretly gives her mother unhealthy
food and sleeping pills, convincing herself that she is only trying to care for her.

Antara is keeping a dark secret inside her and not telling anyone —she had an affair with
Reza, a man who was once her mother’s lover. She keeps this hidden from her husband,
believing that he would never suspect it. Her past remains unresolved, and she struggles with
the weight of her decisions. Meanwhile, she questions her role as a mother, wondering if her
daughter Anikka will grow up to reject her, just as she feels disconnected from her own
mother. She tries to show affection to Anikka through scheduled hugs but starts to doubt
whether she is truly providing the love her child needs.
The family dynamic is further complicated when the narrator’s long-absent father calls,
wanting to visit and meet Anikka. This stirs up mixed emotions, as she has unresolved
feelings about his absence. Dilip, on the other hand, wants to help her mother by encouraging
her to write down her memories, hoping it will improve her mental state. Antara, however,
doubts this approach, believing that nothing can bring her mother back to who she once was.

Towards the end, her mother recalls that as a child, Antara always cried for her father and
wanted to be with him, rather than her mother. This revelation surprises and unsettles Antara,
making her question her own memories and emotions.
Antara describes how her father greets her by putting an arm around her shoulder and taking
the baby from her without asking or washing his hands. His new wife stands back, watching
the scene with a tight smile while holding her son. Meanwhile, Antara's mother-in-law is busy
managing the house and has been suggesting that Antara’s husband, Dilip, apply for jobs in
America.

Antara feels different after giving birth—she notices changes in her body, like her thinning
hair and swelling in her face. She also observes her half-brother and his long curly hair,
which reminds her of how she used to look. When he asks if she still paints, she simply
replies that she has stopped for now. The new wife comments that having children leaves
little time for hobbies, and Antara chooses not to correct her.

As the gathering continues, everyone plays their roles, pretending to enjoy the event. Antara
wonders if pretending for long enough can make emotions feel real.
She feels disconnected from the people around her, as if she is invisible. Her father, whom
she has a strained relationship with, arrives with his new wife and son. As the family
interacts, Antara observes their behaviours and the subtle tensions beneath the surface. She
feels like everyone is pretending to be happy, playing a role rather than genuinely feeling joy.
Her own emotions are heavy, and she struggles to connect with the situation.

As the gathering continues, Antara’s mother, who suffers from memory loss, arrives with
Nani. She barely recognizes the people around her, and when she sees Antara’s baby, she
mistakenly believes the baby is actually Antara. This moment highlights the painful reality of
her illness. Instead of correcting her, the family plays along, trying to keep her calm. Antara
feels deeply unsettled by this, watching how easily everyone accepts the illusion while she is
left feeling more and more disconnected.

The situation becomes even more intense when Antara blurts out a negative comment about
one of her father’s friends, breaking the polite atmosphere. Instead of reacting strongly, the
family quickly moves past it, pretending nothing happened. This makes Antara feel even
more alienated, as if her thoughts and feelings don’t matter. She wonders if pretending long
enough can actually turn a lie into reality. She questions whether her mother is truly sick or if
she is intentionally erasing Antara from her life.

As the gathering continues, the family starts singing a lullaby that Antara doesn’t recognize.
Her mother, husband, and even the in-laws all join in, while she remains an outsider. She
feels like she is disappearing, as if no one sees her anymore. In the end, she tries to shout for
them to stop, but no one hears her. The story ends with her looking at her reflection, feeling
completely alone, as if she is fading from exist.