Black Friday

Speech
(Stage directions)
(SONG NAME/REPEATED WHEN SONG IS OVER)
Speech within a song
Singing
(Stage directions while singing)

Tickle-Me Wiggly Jingle

(Opens to WILEY stood alone on the balcony. There is a ticking noise. It stops.)
Wiley: Ahoy there, boys and girls! Hop aboard the SS Wiggle, we’re setting sail for giggles!
Come on, Sniggles!
(The song’s music starts, WILEY gets down from the balcony and gets a Wiggle. The
SNIGGLES enter, some on stage and some in the audience, they make their way onto
the stage for ‘Underwater creature’. WILEY counts as a SNIGGLE.)
Sniggle #1: Hey, everybody! We’re the Sniggles, don’t be scared.
Sniggles: He’s a wiggly snig,
And a sniggly Wiggly!
Sniggle #2: Yeah!
Sniggles: A friendy-wend
That makes you giggly!
He’s an underwater creature from out of this world,
A bestest friendy-wend to all the boys and girls!
He’s a Wiggly snig, and a snuggle-poo!
And he’ll wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle with you!
Sniggle #3: His belly’s so squishy!
Sniggles: His name is Wiggle, and he’s here to stay,
His belly’s squishy, puts a smile on your face!
So, tickle his belly-well and he will say…
Wiggly: I wuv you!
Sniggles: Tickle, Tickle-Me Wiggly.
Sniggle #3: Uncle Wiley, where does Wiggly come from?
Sniggles: Tickle, Tickle-Me Wiggly.
Wiley: Well, he’s deep down in Drowsy Town dreaming the dreamless sleep of the dead!
Sniggles: Tickle, Tickle-Me Wiggly.
Sniggle #4: But how are we gonna wake him up, Uncle Wiley!?
Sniggles: Tickle, Tickle-Me Wiggly.
Wiley: Well, you’ll just have to pick up your own Wiggly this Black Friday!
Sniggle #5: Yeah!
Sniggles: Come on, kids, time to gather round.
There’s an underwater creature that’ll turn that frown.
He’s a friendy-wend through thick and blue,
‘Cause Wiggly wiggles with you!
Wiley: Rub his belly-well,
Bounce him up and down,
Tell him-
Sniggles: -That you love

1
How he wiggles with you…
Sniggle #4: He’s all that you wanted,
He’s all that you needed for this
Holiday-
Sniggles: -Season…
Sniggle #6: This holiday season,
Now you got a reason for fwends to
Come and pway!
Sniggles: Come and play with us…
Sniggle #5: You brush his hair with a comb,
His body’s made out of foam that’s
Certified laundry safe.
Sniggles: Laundry safe…
Sniggle #2: When Wiggly takes over
Your hearts and your sofa,
Girl-
Sniggles: -Boy,
The world will be a
Playground full of magic and Sniggle songs,
And when you’re feeling down, he’s there to sing along!
He’s a Wiggly snig, and a best fwend too!
And he’ll wiggle, wiggle.
He’ll wiggle, wiggle.
He’ll wiggle his way through life!
Wiley: He’s a steal at only $49.95!
Sniggles: Do the wiggle!
Do the wiggle!
Do the wiggle!
Do the wiggle…
On this Black Friday, he will hit the shelves!
He’s riding Santa’s sleigh, ‘cause he’s friends with all the elves!
So sniggle your stocking up for those days of twelve…
Male Sniggles: This Christmas, wiggle with Wiggly.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle-
Sniggles: -Wiggle your way through life!
Tickle-Me Wiggly Jingle

Scene 1 – Tom’s Introduction

(PAUL and EMMA are sat in their ‘car’, listening to the radio.)

RADIO BROADCASTER
It’s Black Friday at Hatchetfield’s Lakeside Mall with sales so huge you’ll lose your mind!
Doors open at 7am! Lose your mind! Pick up a Kitchen Aide Air-Fryer for just $54.95!
Crazy! A two-piece living room set from Miller’s for only $555.88! I just dropped dead! And
fill this holiday season with giggles with a brand new Tickle-Me Wiggly, by Uncle Wiley
Toys! Only $49.95 at ToyZone!
RADIO
He’s a Wiggly snig and a sniggly Wi-

2
(PAUL turns the radio off.)

PAUL
Ugh. How many times are they gonna play that ad?

EMMA
I don’t know.

PAUL
Emma, you know how I feel about that… Musical commercial.

EMMA
I know.

BOTH
You/I don’t like it.

EMMA
Uh-huh.

PAUL
And I’ll tell you why.

EMMA
Paul, I don’t care.

PAUL
It’s these advertising firms with their catchy jingles that worm their way into your brain,
brewing up the hype till it boils over. It’s things like Wiggly that make Black Friday the
worst shopping day of the year.

EMMA
Relax, it’s just a toy.

PAUL
Cabbage Patch Kids were just toys and there were riots over those things. Literally. Riots.

EMMA
Why? God, what even is a Cabbage Patch Kid? It’s like you’re cutting into a head of lettuce
and ‘Oh, shit! A baby!’. It’s like, ‘I wanted a salad but now I have a child.’. What is the
appeal?

PAUL
What’s the appeal of Tamagotchi’s or Beanie Babies or Wiggly? It’s just mania, Emma, like
a spell.

3
 EMMA
Well, we’re here so you can get off your soapbox. And none of that talk around Tim, okay?
He’s nine, he probably wants a Wiggly more than anything. And, if we upset his son, Tom
will never invite us over again.

(PAUL and EMMA get out of the ‘car’ and EMMA grabs so bags from the ‘boot’. EMMA also
grabs her coffee.)

PAUL
Your brother-in-law’s a bit of a Scrooge, isn’t he?

EMMA
Yeah, well, the car crash was last Christmas, Paul. The guy lost his wife. I mean, he is an
asshole but he’s the guy Jane married and he and Tim are the only family I have left and I
barely know them. I’m done fucking things up. I just need this to work, okay?

PAUL
It will. He invited you over! He wants you to be a part of his life! So, cheer up! It’s Christmas
time in Hatchetfield. Isn’t that fun?

(EMMA turns around and presses an imaginary doorbell.)

Hey, everything’s going to be okay. Okay?

EMMA
Okay.

PAUL
Okay!

(TOM enters, looking angry.)

TOM
You’re late.

EMMA
It’s 6:30 in the morning.

TOM
Yeah, and I said 6 but I guess you had to go to Starbucks… Uh-huh.

(They all ‘enter’ and TIM is sat down. PAUL and EMMA walk up to him. TOM exits.)

EMMA
Hey, Tim!

TIM
Hi, Aunt Emma!

4
 EMMA
We missed you at Thanksgiving yesterday but I heard you and your Dad did something
pretty cool! Pizza Pete’s!?

PAUL
Woah! Pizza Pete’s!? That is cool!

TIM
…Who are you?

PAUL
I’m Paul, I’m Emma’s… boyfriend?

EMMA
Well, we haven’t put a label on it yet, so…

PAUL
But we are intimate.

(Silence.)

You know, Tim, I used to go to Pizza Pete’s when I was a kid! I used to love the ball pits,
the bumper cars…

TIM
Yeah. I don’t really like getting hit by cars anymore.

PAUL
Oh. Right, yeah, because of the…

(EMMA motions for him to stop talking.)

Okay.

EMMA
Well, that stuffs for little kids, right? You know, Pizza Pete’s is all about the games! Right?

TIM
Yeah… Mom and I used to play Zombie House but Dad can’t because he’s not supposed to
hold a gun… Not even a fake one. He gets… Flashbacks.

(TOM enters.)

TOM
What are you telling them? I do not get flashbacks… I remember bad things vividly.

EMMA
(To PAUL.) Tom did two tours in Iraq.

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 PAUL
Oh, thank you for your service.

TOM
I didn’t do it for you. I could’ve played the damn zombie game but I was over at the Ski Ball
machine trying to win tickets to help you get that RC car you wanted!

TIM
I wanted to have fun!

TOM
Ski Ball is fun!

TIM
Ski Ball sucks!

EMMA
Well, hey! We’re gonna have fun today! We brought DVD’s games, we got leftovers.
Everything you need for a belated Turkey Day.

TOM
Alright? You guys are gonna have a good time. Hopefully you’ll only have to watch Tim for
a few hours.

EMMA
…Oh, when you called I thought that we were… Oh, I see. This is not a family
Thanksgiving thing, I am babysitting.

TOM
Yep. Grace is out of town and I couldn’t find another sitter. I wouldn’t have texted you guys
unless I had any other option, I’m sorry. I’ll try to be quick so you can get the Hell out of
here.

EMMA
Okay… Okay… Okay… Okay!

TIM
Dad, I thought we were all gonna be here together?

TOM
Well, I have to go somewhere important. Okay?

TIM
Where?

TOM
For your information, I need a new blade for my bandsaw.

6
 TIM
Yeah, that’s real important!

(TIM exits.)

TOM
Right, Tim! Tim!?

EMMA
Wow! Great priorities Tom! First the tools, then the kid.

TOM
I didn’t say that.

EMMA
What are you gonna do for his birthday? Leave him at home and take the drill press to Six
Flags?

TOM
I don’t have a drill press, and even if I did, how would it fit into the Sedan!? I had to say
something because I didn’t want to ruin the surprise. I’m going to the mall to get Tim’s
Christmas present, okay? It’s this new doll everybody’s been talking about, a little monster
that you tickle.

EMMA
Oh my God! Tom, you’re getting Tim a Tickle-Me Wiggly!?

TOM
Shh! Yeah.

EMMA
He’s gonna flip! You must’ve pre-ordered that thing, like, six months ago!

TOM
Nah. ToyZone doesn’t do pre-orders. It’s first come, first served, so.

PAUL
Oh. Do you have someone holding your place in line?

TOM
What do you mean ‘line’? It’s 6:30. I’m gonna get there 10 minutes before the doors even
open!

EMMA
Uh, Tom, I know you’ve been kinda shut in for a while so you might not understand the
demand for this doll…

7
 PAUL
My buddy, Bill, tried to get one online. The orders are so backed up the earliest he could get
one was next Christmas. Not this Christmas, next Christmas! Maybe!

EMMA
Yeah, you should’ve been in line last night.

PAUL
You should’ve been in line last week.

TOM
Are you guys pulling my chain?

PAUL
Tom, at this rate, I wouldn’t even bother going down there.

TOM
God dammit. Jane would’ve had all this worked out.

EMMA
You could get him, like, a Nintendo?

TOM
No, he doesn’t want that! He wants this doll! Is that too much to ask for? Last Christmas,
this kid lost more than any kid deserves. You wanna know what he was doing this time last
year? He was sledding with his Mother. Now, he’s- …This kid deserves that one fucking
thing that he asked for so I’m not coming back into this house without one of those dolls I
my hand, because I will be God damned if he doesn’t have a merry fucking Christmas and a
happy New Year!

(PAUL and EMMA exit.)

What Tim Wants

Tom: What Tim wants, Tim will get
Anything that he wants,
He can have it.
Even now, it's a dream
The kind that makes you question reality.
The fact you don't wake up is no accident
It seems
To me.
Someone's gotta pay for it.
He used to like cars.
Tonka trucks and ships that could show you the stars
I couldn't hold him still to teach him guitar,
Oh no.
He just wasn't having it.
And then
Flash! Bang!
Jane

8
Flash! Bang!
Nothing's the same
What Tim wants, Tim will get.
Anything that he wants,
He can have it.
All I need is some time,
All I need is a break from the madness.
After all,
You're my son.
He still lights up a room.
It's just less frequently that you catch him in bloom.
If there's a God, my God, can you see what you made
My God,
And what I took away.
I hit replay on that night,
Over and over again
'Till it gives up the fight.
There's no end,
There's no end,
There's no ending in sight
My God.
Do I ever get that one?
Flash! Bang!
Son
Flash! Bang!
What have I done?
What my son wants,
My son will get.
Anything that he wants,
He will have it.
There's nothing I can't fix.
If he wants that toy,
By God, I will take it.
'Cause all I know,
All I know is you.
I don't say it enough,
I'm scared you blame me for Mom,
I'm scared you blame me for your luck.
But there's no end,
There's no end,
There's no end to how much
I love-.
You'll get what you want,
You'll get it back.
I'd give up both my arms
To get you on track.
All I need is a smile,
Just give your dad a wink.
Yes, all I need is to get you walking
Towards the paradise you dream,
‘Cause I'm your dad,
And you're my son,
And our lives have just begun.
What Tim Wants

9
Scene 2 – ToyZone
(LEX enters, smoking a cigarette and carrying a backpack. TOM is still stood centre stage.)

TOM
Excuse me, Miss! You think it’s okay for me to park here?

LEX
Uh, yeah, it says no parking at any time but I’m sure the loading trucks could just park
across the street. Does that work for you?

TOM
Yeah, that’s perfec- Lex!

LEX
Hey, Mr. Houston.

TOM
What are you doing!?

LEX
What does it look like I’m doing? I’m having a bud before my shift.

TOM
Hey, does your mother know you smoke?

LEX
Yeah, she lets it slide because I score her weed.

TOM
Weed? Lex, I thought you were done with all that! Last year, you were back on school, you
were on top of your classes!

LEX
I was hardly valedictorian.

TOM
Well, you were doing alright in my class!

LEX
Yeah, shop class, where you get an A if you don’t chop of your finger.

TOM
No, if you show up and you put in the effort. I’m not gonna hold a little accident like that
against you!

LEX
Yeah, well, shop class was the only thing holding up my GPA, so, when they cancelled shop
class ‘cause a teacher had a ‘family emergency’, they flunked me. So, I decided to follow the
example of my favourite teacher and never come back. How does it feel to be a role model?

TOM
Lex, that’s not a very fair thing to say.

LEX
What’s it matter? School is supposed to prepare you for the workplace, and I have a job, or
is ‘stock girl’ at ToyZone a waste of my endless potential?

10
 TOM
ToyZone?

LEX
Yeah, what? You have a problem with retail?

TOM
No. No, no, no. I think ToyZone’s a great place for you to work. In fact, I’m proud of you,
Lex. I always thought you had a great work ethic!

LEX
Yeah, well, if I don’t support my drinking habit then who will?

TOM
…Yeah, that’s funny. Listen, Lex, I’m actually here to get a Christmas present for my son?
It’s a Tickle-Me Wiggly.

LEX
Oh.

TOM
I didn’t realise so many people were trying to do the same thing. So, do you think there’s
anything you could do?

LEX
Oh, you mean, like, put on aside for you?

TOM
Yeah.

LEX
Yeah, like, put your name on it, put it under the counter, just screw over hundreds of people
who got here before you?

TOM
That would be great.

LEX
Yeah, well, you know, I could, but that would be violating company policy and everyone’s
telling me to be more responsible lately so, I’m gonna go with them on this one. Oh! But,
hey! I got an idea! You can get in line like everybody else. And, I’d hurry up if I were you,
the lines already backed up to Nordstrom.

TOM
Oh- no, no, no, no, no. Woah, onto Nordstrom? Ah, shit!

(TOM exits and says his lines from offstage.)

LEX
Wait! Are you gonna leave your car there!?

TOM
Let them tow it!

LEX
Alright. Merry Christmas!

11
 TOM
Yeah, merry Christmas, Lex!

(FRANK has a grand entrance from the balcony. WILEY enters the stage with a huge box and a
form.)

FRANK
Hark, the Harold angels sing, ‘Glory to a newborn King’. A fucking furry little monster that’s gonna
make me a pile of cash!

WILEY
Right, you are, good buddy. Now, I just need your John Hancock here on the dotted line.

FRANK
Ah, with pleasure!

(FRANK signs the form and hands it back to WILEY.)

LEX
So, that’s them, huh?

FRANK
Yep! Our own little Miracle On 34th Street. Tell me, Lex, do you know why they call it
‘Black Friday’?

LEX
Because it comes after Thursday?

FRANK
Cute. They call it Black Friday because it’s the day in America when most retailers go from
being in the red, losing money, to being in the black, making money!

WILEY
Well, friendo, I have a feeling that these little babies are gonna take you so far into the
black, that you ain’t never coming back.

(FRANK and WILEY stare at each other for a good 5 seconds in silence before both laughing.)

FRANK
Oh, I sure hope so!

WILEY
Oh, you are gonna make a ‘killing’! That is an Uncle Wiley Toys guarantee!

(WILEY begins to exit but stops as he passes LEX.)

Well, well, well. Hello, naughty list.

(WILEY winks at LEX before exiting.)

LEX
Gross!

12
 FRANK
Excuse me, Alexandra. I don’t mean to bother you or anything but do you think I can see
some hustle out of you on this, the most important shift of your life!? On this, the holiest day
in America for humble merchants across this fine nation?

LEX
If it’s a holy day, do I get time-and-a-half?

FRANK
You know, you got a real attitude problem. You’re snippy to customers, your no-good
boyfriend’s always around! You’d think a drop-out with a record would be thankful to have a
job. You wanna end up like your Mother? No prospects and two kids she can’t take care of?
She dropped our sister on her head or whatever, but you? Look at what a fine job she’s done
with you…

LEX
Look, Frank, do you want me to unload these or what?

FRANK
That would be nice if our hot-ticket item could be on the shelves when we open!

LEX
Fine!

FRANK
Thank you! …Uh, Alexandra, do you have something to say back to me? Something a polite
young woman might respond with?

LEX
Thank you.

FRANK
No, no, no, no. Alexandra, I know this is hard for you but try to keep up. I say ‘thank you’,
so you should say…

LEX
You’re welcome.

FRANK
See! She can be taught! Hark, the Harold angels sing ‘Glory to a newborn King’. Peace on Earth,
and lots of money! Money, money, money just for me!

(FRANK exits.)

LEX
We’ll see who’s laughing by the end of the day… We’ll see who’s laughing.

(LEX opens the box. A green glow covers her face and she picks up a Wiggly doll.)

Hi, Wiggly. I’m Lex. So, you’re what all the fuss is about.

WIGGLY
Tickle my belly-well!

LEX
Cute!

13
(LEX tickles Wiggly’s belly. WIGGLY laughs.)

WIGGLY
That tickles! I think we’re going to be very good friendy-wends!

LEX
I think so too, Wiggly. I think you’re gonna help me out a lot more than you know.

(LEX takes off her backpack and puts Wiggly inside. She closes the box. ETHAN, LEX’s boyfriend,
enters.)

ETHAN
Mall security, we got a shop lifter! Drop that doll!

LEX
Jesus Christ, Ethan, you fucking asshole!

ETHAN
Hey! Come on! It was just a goof!

LEX
Uh, where’s my sister?

ETHAN
Oh, no… Hannah? Is that what you’ve been telling me every day for the past 4 weeks? To
pick up your kid sister? Oh, I must’ve forgot ’cause I’m so stupid! She’s right over here, but I
gotta warn you she’s being a little snot today. Hannah! Come here!

(ETHAN drags HANNAH on.)

Do I gotta put a leash on you like a dog or my cousin Oliver?

LEX
Okay, don’t pull her!

(ETHAN lets go of HANNAH’s wrist. HANNAH sits down. LEX walks up to her. ETHAN puts
the box offstage while LEX and HANNAH interact.)

ETHAN
I’m not!

LEX
Okay… Hey, Banana! Is today a good day or a bad day?

HANNAH
Bad day.

LEX
Well, I don’t know who told you that because today is a good day! You know my backpack?
The one with the pins on it? Well, today, you get to wear it!

HANNAH
No!

ETHAN
See what I mean? It’s been this all day.

14
 LEX
Why don’t you wanna wear my backpack? That makes me sad. Do you think I have a bad
backpack?

HANNAH
I’m not supposed to.

LEX
Who says you’re not supposed to?

HANNAH
Webby.

ETHAN
Oh, great. Now we gotta to talk to the imaginary spider from outer space.

LEX
What does Webby say?

HANNAH
Bad blood. Cross. Black and White.

ETHAN
…Can you translate? I don’t speak crazy.

LEX
She’s not crazy, she’s creative! Come on, Hannah! I don’t have all day for this.

(LEX tries to put the backpack on HANNAH. HANNAH pushes her away.)

HANNAH
No!

ETHAN
Okay, here. Let me try, let me try.

(LEX walks to the side, ETHAN walks up to HANNAH, he pulls out a cap.)

Alright, Banana Split. You see this hat? It was gifted to me by a great warrior.

(LEX laughs. ETHAN looks at her, offended.)

Don’t you fucking laugh. It’s imbued with the power of Grayskull to ward off dark magic,
bad blood, backpacks, any fucking thing. Now, I can lend you this hat, just for today, and
while it’s on your head, well, nothing can harm you.

HANNAH
Honest?

ETHAN
Cross my heart. Hope to die.

(HANNAH puts on the hat and the backpack. ETHAN walks over to LEX.)

I’d make a great Dad, I’m just saying!

15
 LEX
(Laughing.) Okay. You’re gonna watch her ‘til I get off at noon and then we’re out of this
fucking town. Is everything good with the buyer?

ETHAN
Oh, yeah, about that. There’s been a little complication.

LEX
Shit.

ETHAN
So, originally, we talked about 5, well, word starts to get around and before I know it, there
is a bidding war for this thing and we got somebody willing to pay 7.

LEX
Seven hundred for a doll!?

ETHAN
No. Seven thousand.

LEX
Seven thousand!? Seven fucking thousand dollars!? We’re set! We’re set! Hannah, do you
know what this means!?

HANNAH
California?

LEX
Cali-fucking-fornia!

CaliforM.I.A
Lex: My Mom’s a bitch!
An alcoholic,
A melancholic
That we keep afloat.
It’s time to flip the switch!
When the problems chronic,
Not being hyperbolic,
But it’s time to ghost.
And when the Sun shines down upon me,
I’ll know I’m riotous, babe
In this time of crisis, babe.
And when the sun shines down over Cali,
The futures priceless, babe,
The pasts a virus, babe.
‘Cause we’re CaliforM.I.A.
M.I.A.
Lex + Ethan: ‘Cause we’re CaliforM.I.A!
Ethan: It beats being broke
In this day and age and,
What’s the point of wages,
If you can’t afford a smoke?
Lex: It’s not a trope!
I’ll be an actress
‘Cause I’ve had practise
Selling hope.

16
That’s not how cameras work, babe.
Lex + Ethan: And when the sun shines down upon us,
We’ll know we’re riotous, babe
In this time of crisis, babe.
And when the Sun shines down over Cali,
Won’t need a licence
‘Cause love will drive us!
Lex: Oh, we’re Cal-
Ethan: Oh, we’re Cal-
Lex + Ethan: -IforM.I.A.
M.I.A.
We’re missing in action!
Addition by subtraction!
We’re CaliforM.I.A!
(LEX pulls out a pen and paper and begins to write.)
Lex: ‘Dear, Mom. It’s been real. Real bad. I’d say you did your best, but I’m not a liar.’
Ethan: Oh, it’s L-I-E-R, babe.
Lex: We get it, Ethan! You’re a good speller! ‘I’m taking Hannah as far away as we can get.
I’d give you an address but I don’t want to. Don’t write. Don’t call. Don’t ask. Sincerely,
Lex. P.S. Get yourself a new trailer, ‘cause this one is-
Lex + Ethan: Broke as shit!’
‘Cause we’re CaliforM.I.A.
M.I.A.
Lex: M.I.A!
Lex + Ethan: Oh, we’re Califor-
M!
I!
A!
CALIFORM.I.A

(LEX and ETHAN kiss while HANNAH pretends to smoke. ETHAN pulls away and sees
HANNAH.)

ETHAN
Hannah!

(LEX turns to see.)

LEX
Hannah! What the fuck is this!? That better be fucking floss! Let’s go, I need a cigarette!

(All 3 exit.)

Scene 3 – Queue
(LINDA enters through the audience while on the phone to Gerald, her husband. She makes her way
onto the stage.)

LINDA
I told you to wait in the car, Gerald… No, you know full well why you’re not allowed inside!
…Because you’re not to step within a thousand feet on a Cinnabon, Gerald! …No, I don’t
believe you just want to sell them… Oh my God, look at this line… No, Gerald! Keep the
car running! I don’t want to come out there in 10 minutes to a cold car…

(LINDA holds her phone to her shoulder and approaches SHOPPER #1.)

17
Excuse me, sir. What do scissors do?

(LINDA gestures to cut infront of SHOPPER #1.)

SHOPPER #1
…Huh?

LINDA
Hello there. Linda Monroe, President of the Hatchetfield Boating Society, or perhaps you
know my husband, Doctor Monroe of Inner Beauty Rhinoplasty? I was wondering if you
could just step on back and I could slide infront of you.

SHOPPER #1
No, I’ve been waiting here all night.

LINDA
And your time is precious, I’m sure, which is why I’m willing to compensate you.

SHOPPER #1
Look, ma’am. I can’t just let you cut infront of-

(LINDA pulls out a check, signs it and hands it to SHOPPER #1.)

Oh! Thank you Mrs Monroe. Merry Christmas to you!

LINDA
Thanks.

(SHOPPER #1 steps back and LINDA steps infront of him. LINDA brings her phone back up to
her ear.)

BECKY
Excuse me.

LINDA
No, Gerald, you cannot run across the street… I don’t care if River has to use the bathroom,
he can hold it like a man!

BECKY
Excuse me!

LINDA
What!?

(LINDA turns around and sees that it is BECKY BARNES.)

Oh my God. Gerald, hold on. Becky Barnes is accosting me… Yes, call the police!

BECKY
You can’t do that, Linda! You can’t just cut the line!

LINDA
Oh! Oh no, I did not cut, I bought this spot fair and square.

SHOPPER #1
It’s alright, lady. I let her in.

18
 BECKY
Because she paid you, I saw it! That’s called a bribe, sir, and it’s illegal… Or it should be.
Did you ever think about all the people behind you? The hardworking families of
Hatchetfield who are counting on a Wiggly for the holidays? What if one of your
neighbours who’s been waiting in line for hours doesn’t get a doll because of a bribe you
took, knowing it was wrong?

SHOPPER #1
Come on, lady. It’s one person, that’s one less doll.

LINDA
Oh! Oh, no, no. One? No, I need four… I have four boys. Four beautiful blonde boys…
They’re not going to share one like some junkie children with a needle.

BECKY
…Linda. Do you really think your children are better than everyone else’s?

LINDA
In so many words, yes!

(Shouts of protest come from other people in the queue.)

Oh, shut up! I hope you don’t get a Wiggly. I hope you fucking die! …What are you doing here,
anyway? You don’t even have children, thank God.

BECKY
For your information, I am here for the children on St. Damian’s paediatrics wing, kids who
are going to be spending this Christmas in a hospital bed.

LINDA
Ew.

BECKY
There’s a little girl there, Bridget, and she lost her eyesight in an accident, a horrible
accident.

LINDA
Well, my children were accidents! You don’t see me pushing my problems onto everybody
else.

BECKY
(To SHOPPER #1.) You know what? If I were you, sir, I’d say ‘I don’t need your money,
Linda Monroe!’ and I’d tear that check right in half. We’d all cheer! Come on, everyone!
Tear that check! Tear that check!

SHOPPER #2
Hey, if he doesn’t want it, I’ll take the check. She can cut me!

SHOPPER #1
No, no, no, no, no! It’s my check!

19
 LINDA
See, Becky Barnes? This is Hatchetfield, not that rah-rah school spirit cheerleader bullshit
that you never grew out of. It’s why you stayed with Stanley, that monster husband of
yours. Well, right up until he got bored and ran off. Well, did you think your neighbours
didn’t notice that you were wearing sunglasses on cloudy days? Turtlenecks in the summer?
Well, they knew what was happening, they just… Didn’t care. And that’s why you disgust
me. Well, not because you’re so naïve, because you’re so weak.

(LINDA puts her phone back up to her ear.)

Oh, stop crying, Gerald! I wasn’t talking to you!

(TOM enters and pushes through the queue.)

TOM
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Hey, Gary. Excuse me, excuse me. I’m sorry. Excuse me.

(He stops just behind BECKY.)

Miss, Miss! Do you think I could get your spot in line? I got, like, 20 bucks. It’s really
important, it’s for my kid.

(BCKY turns around. BECKY and TOM freeze looking at each other.)

Becky Barnes…

What Do You Say?

Sherman: Oh my God, it’s Becky Barnes.
Shopper #1: And Tom! They go way back in time.
I think they dated in high school.
Linda: Yep. She was cheering him from the side lines.
Sherman: Do they even recognise?
Shopper #1: I don’t know. (Overlapping.) Tommy’s-
Linda: (Overlapping.) Becky’s-
Linda + Shopper #1: Put on some weight.
Sherman: He was embedded in Afghanistan.
Shopper #1: Oh my God.
Linda: She embedded the inmate.
All three: What
Will she say
To him?
Becky: Hi, Tom!
Tom: Hey, Tom Houston!
Becky: I know who you are, Becky! I mean, I’m Becky, Becky Houston. I mean-
Tom: No, you’re Becky Barnes!
Becky: …I’m good.
Shopper #2: I heard Tom is seeing things!
Man In A Hurry: Only ghosts.
Gary: It’s called PTSD.
Shopper #2 + Homeless Guy: Oh, forget about it!
Shopper #2: Has she PTSeen her hubby?
Man In A Hurry: He ran off.
Shopper #2 + Gary + Man In A Hurry: She’s not as hot as she used to be!
All four: But that look in her eyes in coming back,
All those years they had fun.

20
Shopper #2 + Homeless Guy: But they’re both on the sales wrack!
Gary: They are spent.
Man In A Hurry: They are cooked.
All four: They are done.
Linda + Sherman + Shopper #1: Wait!
Something’s on his mind.
Shopper #2 + Gary + Man In A Hurry + Homeless Guy: Will he opine?
All: Hold on, it’s way too painful.
Linda + Sherman + Shopper #1: For Tom.
Shopper #2 + Gary + Man In A Hurry + Homeless Guy: Or maybe for Beck?
All: Or maybe for me?
What do you say-
Sherman: When you love each other?
All: What do you say-
Shopper #1: When years have passed?
All: What do you say-
Shopper #2: When there’s no more buffer?
All: What do you say?
What do you say?
Tom: It’s cold out.
Becky: Uh, nothing really.
Tom: How are things?
Becky: Haven’t seen it!
All shoppers: Oh my God, it’s a train wreck!
Linda: My favourite!
Shopper #3: Give me my tub of popcorn.
Man In A Hurry: Just skip to the fucking!
Homeless Guy: She’d never!
All shoppers: Either way, this is torture porn.
Shopper #1: I think I’ll step in and save her.
Linda: Ha! You don’t have half of a chance, bitch.
Gary: I don’t think either took a shower.
All shoppers: Oh my God, someone flip the switch!
Sherman + Man In A Hurry + Homeless Guy + Shopper #3: There! She looked at his
crotch!
Linda + Gary + Shopper #1 + Shopper #3: He looked at her boobs!
All: They’re walking a very fine line!
Oops! I think we’ve been caught.
Is-
Sherman + Man In A Hurry + Homeless Guy + Shopper #3: (Overlapping.) She-
Linda + Gary + Shopper #1 + Shopper #3: (Overlapping.) He-
All: Looking at mine?
What do you say-
Sherman + Gary: When you love each other?
All: What do you say-
Shopper #2 + Homeless Guy: The years have passed.
All: What do you say-
Shopper #1 + Shopper #3: When you rediscover?
All: What do you say?
What do you say?
Tom: (Over.) Look, Becky. You look great.
Shoppers: (Under.) Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.
Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.
What do you say?
Becky: (Over.) Thanks. So do you!

21
Tom: (Over.) Thanks.
Becky: (Over.) So, are you shopping for your kid, or?
Shoppers: (Under.) Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.
Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.
What do you say?
Tom: (Over.) No, I’m shopping for myself. I like dolls.
Shoppers: (Under.) Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.
Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.
What do you say?
Tom: (Over.) I’m just kidding. I don’t- I don’t like dolls, at least, not like that.
Shoppers: (Under.) Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.
Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.
Becky: I missed you.
Shoppers: What did she say!?
They still love each other!
What did she say!?
The years have passed!
Sherman: (Under.) They years have passed!
Shoppers: What do you say
When you rediscover?
What do you say?
What do you say?
What do you say?
What do you-
Becky: Say?
Tom: Nothing. No, nothing. I actually, I forgot what I was going to-
All (Including Tom and Becky): Say.
What Do You Say?

(LEX enters.)

LEX
Alright, people! The doors are now opening!

SHOPPER #1
The doors! They’re opening the doors!

BECKY
They’re opening the doors!

TOM
They’re opening the doors!

LEX
Please enter the store in an orderly fashion. Those here to pick up a Tickle-Me Wiggly, you
can get those at the checkout counter, but remember, they are first come, first served so stay
in line.

Our Doors Are Open

(FRANK enters dramatically.)
Shoppers: Do-op, ba-ba, do-op, ba-ba, do, ba-da-ba-da do-op. (x7, under.)
Frank: Welcome to ToyZone,
It’s world renown,
The palace for all of your undergrown.
It’s a pageant
For the gallant,

22
Parents who are slightly unbalanced.
We’re slashing prices
‘Cause you got vices
That come in a variety of sizes.
You see a deal,
I see a meal!
But only one of us is getting a steal.
Did you know,
You spend money,
Your kids will love you maybe.
We’re slashing prices,
It’s brutality!
Makes me question my mortality.
Shoppers: Ooh! Ah!
Frank: When our doors are open
To the public
Don’t you want it?
For us capitalists,
We are honest.
Come for the scope and grandeur.
Shoppers: Ah!
Frank: When are doors thrust open,
Trembling is part of the allure!
Yes, our doors are open to you.
Shoppers: Wop-do, ba-ba, wop-do, ba-ba, wop, ba-da-ba-da wop-do.
Frank: Could’ve shopped any day but you chose today.
It’s no wonder, here’s your number, know your place in line.
Man In A Hurry: I’ll pay to move up!
Frank: I never skim off the top.
It’s also advisable
That we’re not liable
For anyone who dies!
Shoppers: We’ll gladly give you money!
Frank: I’ll gladly take your money now!
Shoppers: I want the doll with the tummy!
Frank: Oh! Don’t we all!?
And here is how you get
The very thing you want.
The highest of holidays
Shoppers: Wop-do, ba-ba, wop-do, ba-ba, wop, ba-da-ba-da wop-do.
Frank: Comes but once a year.
I’m not talking about the fat man and his reindeer.
Shoppers: Wop-do, ba-ba, wop-do, ba-ba, wop, ba-da-ba-da wop-do.
Frank: It’s the crème Brûlée
Following the turkey day.
Lex: Which requires a bottle of pepper spray.
Shoppers: Do-op, ba-ba, do-op, ba-ba, do, ba-da-ba-da, do-op, ba.
Frank: Did you know,
You spend money
400 on average, quite seriously.
Shoppers: Do-op, ba-ba, do-op, ba-ba, do.
Frank: It’s a factoid,
You can’t escape, boy.
Remember all your check and null and void.
Shoppers: Ah!

23
Frank: When our doors are open
Your republic
Is in the market.
Your net worth is in my back pocket
And it weighs my pants down.
Shoppers: Weighs down his pants!
Frank: When our doors thrust open!
I’m your annual entrepreneur!
Shoppers: Ba-ba, do, wa, do.
Frank: Yes, our doors are open.
Oh, our doors are open.
Yes, our doors are open.
Frank + Lex: Give us your fucking money!
Give us your fucking cash!
Give us your fucking money,
It’s where it’s at!
Oh, I, I, I, like to touch, touch, touch my money!
Shoppers: Did you know,
You spend money,
Your kids will love you maybe.
They’re slashing prices.
Frank: It’s insanity!
Shoppers: Do we have any morality?
When the doors are open!
Frank: Thank you very much for your generosity. Your donations are gladly accepted.
Good morning.
All (-Lex): Yeah!
Our Doors Are Open

(FRANK and LEX stand behind the counter. SHERMAN YOUNG, the local creep, who is first, in
front of LINDA, walks towards the counter.)

FRANK
Oh, look! A valued customer! Good morning, sir. Can I get you a Tickle-Me Wiggly?

SHERMAN
Yes. Infact, I would like all of them.

FRANK
Wait, what.

SHOPPER #1
What did that guy just say?

FRANK
Excuse me, sir. Di my ears deceive me or did you say you want to but all of them?

SHERMAN
Yes.

FRANK
As in the entire stock of 850 Wigglys at 45.95 each. That’s…

SHERMAN
$44,999, including sales tax.

24
 FRANK
Would you like them gift wrapped!?

LINDA
No! No, no, no, no, no! He can’t buy all the dolls! Some of us have been waiting in line
forever!

SHOPPER #2
What’s going on up there!?

HOMELESS GUY
I think somebody’s trying to buy all the dolls!

SHOPPER #1
I better get one.

FRANK
(To LINDA.) Sorry, lady. First come, first served, all sales are final. Could I interest you in a
gummy bug maker?

(LINDA scoffs. SHERMAN smirks.)

LINDA
(To SHERMAN.) You should be ashamed of yourself, you disgusting little pervert! What’s a
gown man going to do with 850 dolls!?

SHERMAN
Well, one will stay in the box for posterity, one will be used exclusively for bath time!

LINDA
This is unbelievable!

FRANK
Hey, lady! If you’re gonna make with the hysterics, take it to Macy’s!

LINDA
How dare you!

(LINDA brings her phone up to her ear.)

Are you hearing this, Gerald? …Yes, call my attorney!

SHERMAN
I will tickle one doll, and one doll will tickle me!

SHOPPER #2
Listen, I’ve been waiting here all night and I am not leaving here without a Wiggly!

MAN IN A HURRY
And I’m in a hurry!

(GARY walks down next to LINDA.)

GARY
Hi. Gary Goldstein, attorney at law. I was a little further back in line.

25
 LINDA
Gary, thank God.

GARY
Are you aware that my client, Linda Monroe, suffers from rare, little understood anxiety
disorder and any lasting medical conditions that may arise from stress caused on these
premises are your liabilities, sir? I hope you have your finances in order. Get ready for
audits! Audits up your ears! Audits in your yin-yang! Audits at your wazoo!

FRANK
Alright, alright, alright! We’re gonna try and be fair. We’re gonna put a limit on how many
Wigglys each customer can purchase.

(GARY walks back to his spot in the line.)

One per person. You happy now!?

(Everybody shouts ‘yes’, ‘thank God’, etc. except…)

LINDA
No! Of all the arbitrary numbers, why one? It should be a nice, even number that we can all
agree upon… Like four?

(Everybody protests.)

Well, you can buy less if you want.

SHERMAN
I thought all sales were final?

FRANK
Look, you’re not getting all the Wigglys, you sicko!

SHERMAN
Well, now, you’ll be hearing from my attorney!

(GARY appears once again, this time by SHERMAN’s side.)

GARY
Hi, Gary Goldstein, attorney at law. Are you aware my client, Sherman Young, is being
discriminated against-

(LINDA grabs GARY and knees him in the stomach.)

LINDA
Shut up, Gary!

GARY
Oh! Right in the subpoena!

(GARY walks back.)

MAN IN A HURRY
Alright, forget this line. I’ll give you $500 cash money for one Wiggly.

26
 FRANK
Now, there’s an idea! Would you like it gift wrapped!?

SHOPPER #1
Wait a minute! I’ll give you 700!

(LEX walks out from behind the counter.)

LEX
No, everybody back in line!

(MAN IN A HURRY pushes LEX, who goes back behind the counter.)

MAN IN A HURRY
Shut the fuck up!

TOM
Get your hands off her!

MAN IN A HURRY
Fuck you!

FRANK
Show me the money, people. Show me the money!

MAN IN A HURRY
$800!

HOMELESS GUY
$3?

GARY
Can I use these coupons?

SHOPPER #2
This ain’t right! I lost my job when the plant closed! I can’t afford three $500 for a doll! A
Wiggly is 45.95!

FRANK
Sorry, pal. The price just went up! Supply and demand is a wonderful thing. Whoever pays
he most for a Wiggly, gets a Wiggly!

SHOPPER #2
Well, if you’re not gonna sell me that doll, then I guess I’m just gonna have to take it!

(SHOPPER #2 runs and grabs the doll from FRANK’s hands before holding onto it like his life
depends on it. The others begin surrounding him.)

LEX
Okay, what the fuck!

TOM
Woah!

27
 FRANK
Hands off the merchandise pal!

HOMELESS GUY
That guy’s got a Wiggly! He’s got a Wiggly doll!

LINDA
Well, if he gets one then I want four!

MAN IN A HURRY
Give me that doll…

HOMELESS GUY
No, give it to me!

Feast Or Famine
(SHOPPER #2 screams and runs through the crowd, everybody besides FRANK and
LEX, who get another Wiggly from underneath the counter and hold onto it tightly.
Shopper #2: Fuck you all!
(TOM manages to get the Wiggly from SHOPPER #2. Everybody in the background
is fighting.)
Tom: It’s mine!
It’s mine!
It’s certainly mine!
It belongs to my boy!
(SHOPPER #1 takes the Wiggly from TOM.)
Shopper #1: It’s mine.
It’s mine.
It’s certainly mine.
It’s my little toy…
(MAN IN A HURRY takes it from SHOPPER #1. SHERMAN runs up and tries to
snatch it from MAN IN A HURRY.)
Sherman: It’s mine!
Man In A Hurry: It’s mine!
Sherman: It’s mine!
Man In A Hurry: It’s mine!
Sherman: It’s certainly mine!
Man In A Hurry: It’s mine!
Both: It’s my little boyfriend…
(HOMELESS GUY takes it from them but SHOPPER #3 runs up to him.)
Shopper #3: It’s mine!
Homeless Guy: It’s mine!
Shopper #3: It’s mine!
Homeless Guy: It’s mine!
Shopper #3: It’s certainly mine!
Shoppers (+ Lex + Frank): It’s my fucking money to spend!
You never should settle for a lifetime that is handed to you.
There’s always a line to be cut and someone to barrel through.
And if you should find that you’re about the get the short of the stick,
Take what you want, return what you get.
Man In A Hurry: Chaos reigns!
(Everybody is fighting each other. Things get physical when SHOPPER #2 punches
SHOPPER #1 and falls into SHOPPER #3. LINDA, GARY and HOMELESS GUY are
fighting over the actual doll, SHERMAN is trying the get the one from FRANK’s
hands. TOM and BECKY watch on in horror. HOMELESS GUY walks away from
LINDA and GARY with the doll. LINDA and SHOPPER #2 run up to him.)

28
Linda: Let go!
Homeless Guy: Let go!
Linda: Let go!
Shopper #2: Let go!
All three: Just let go!
Do you have a death wish?
(GARY and MAN IN A HURRY are choking each other.)
Gary: Just die!
Man In A Hurry: You die!
Gary: Just die!
Man In A Hurry: You die!
Both: It’s time to die!
You’ve made my Christmas list!
(SHOPPER #1 now has the Wiggly but SHERMAN grabs it, then BECKY, then
TOM, then LINDA.)
Sherman: I got it!
Shopper #1: I got it!
Man In A Hurry: You got it!
Becky: They got it!
Sherman: What a relief!
Shopper #1: It’s mine.
Shopper #1 + Sherman + Becky + Tom + Linda: My family will love me!
Shopper #2: Now, take it!
Homeless Guy: Slap it!
Sherman: Love it!
Man In A Hurry: Mine it!
Shoppers: Squee, squee!
His belly’s so squishy!
(LINDA takes the doll.)
You never should settle for a lifetime that is handed to you.
Man In A Hurry: Handed to you!
Shoppers: There’s always a line to be cut and someone to barrel through.
Man In A Hurry: Cut and someone to barrel through!
Shoppers: And if you should find that you’re about to get the short of the stick.
Man In A Hurry: Short of the stick!
(LINDA holds the doll up proudly, HOMELESS GUY runs and steals it before
exiting, closely followed by SHOPPER #1 and SHOPPER #3. Since FRANK is now
the only one with a Wiggly, all of the shoppers form a circle around him in a cult-like
formation.)
Shoppers: It’s all I need and all I came for.
Frank: Woah.
Shoppers: It’s something that I can’t resist.
Frank: What is this?
Shoppers: A principle I plan to die for.
Frank: What’s it gonna do?
Shoppers: That toy is the last thing on my Christmas list.
Frank: You’re in my toy store!
Shoppers: It puts the toy into the plastic.
Frank: Get out!
Shoppers: It bags it up with gift receipt.
I’ll never, ever, e’er return it.
(The SHOPPERS close in on FRANK.)
Frank: Woah, woah, woah… No, no, no!
Shoppers: But you bet,
The price I will be discreet.

29
Frank: No!
(FRANK runs around frantically looking for somewhere to hide. BECKY manages to
grab the Wiggly and keeps hold of it.)
Sherman: You never should settle!
Gary: You never should settle!
Shopper #2: You never should settle!
Man In A Hurry: For the lifetime!
Tom: For the lifetime!
Linda: For the lifetime!
Linda + Becky: That is ha-
Shopper #2 + Sherman + Gary: That is ha-
Man In A Hurry + Tom: That is ha-
All: That is handed to you…
Man In A Hurry: Take what you want!
Company: Feast or famine!
Feast Or Famine

Scene 4- Cineplex
(CINEPLEX TEEN is stood sleeping behind the counter while ETHAN and HANNAH
awkwardly stand there. ETHAN clears his throat after a while. CINEPLEX TEEN wakes up
with slurred speech.)

CINEPLEX TEEN
Hi, welcome to Lakeside Mall Cineplex. How can I help you?

ETHAN
Yeah, uh… Can I get two tickets to that new flick… Santa Claus Is Going to High School?

CINEPLEX TEEN
Okay, that’ll be two tickets to Santa Claus Is Going to High School. That’ll be 27.50.

ETHAN
What..? Are you kidding? Thirty bucks for two tickets? Look, I’ll give you $15, that’s as
high as I’m going.

CLINEPLEX TEEN
Uh, sir. Okay, this is not the type of place where you can haggle, sir. Like, I don’t set the
prices, okay? I’m just a high school kid.

ETHAN
Oh, yeah?

(ETHAN grabs the CLINEPLEX TEEN by his collar.)

Well, I’m gonna find you at school and cram you in a locker and fart in it!

CINEPLEX TEEN
Oh, no! Not the easy bake oven!

ETHAN
Oh, it’s the easy bake oven for you.

(SECURITY GUARD enters through the audience.)

SCURITY GUARD
Hey!

30
(ETHAN lets go of CINEPLEX TEEN. CINEPLEX TEEN exits.)

What’s going on here?

ETHAN
Nothing. I’m just asking him a question.

SECURITY GUARD
Don’t I know your face? Ain’t you been told not to hang around this mall?

ETHAN
I’m just taking the kid to see that Santa movie.

SECURITY
Yeah, you’re coming with me.

(SECURITY GUARD’s radio goes off.)

Yeah? …What’s going on at ToyZone? …Ah, shit! You kids get out of here!

(SECURITY GUARD exits through the audience. HANNAH looks uneasy and goes to sit down.)

HANNAH
Don’t do it… Two doors, not one.

ETHAN
I’m sorry, Hannah. I thought I could get us in. I would have shelled out for the tickets, I’m
just a little low on funds at the moment. I thought my old jalopy weren’t gonna make it all
the way to California so, uh, I sunk a grand into it. Look, don’t tell your sister I got no
dough, she’ll lose respect for me… Hey, what’s shaking, Banana? You okay?

HANNAH
(She shakes her head.) Bad place… Black and White.

ETHAN
Look, I know you’re nervous to leave home but you gotta trust me. It’s gonna be so much
better for you once you’re outta there. And, hey, maybe once you’re gone, maybe then your
Mom will realise, ‘Hey, I gotta do better’… Do you trust your sister, Hannah?

HANNAH
Uh-huh.

ETHAN
And do you believe that no matter how bad it looks right now, things will get better?

HANNAH
No. Not better, badder. Much badder.

ETHAN
Hey, what’s with that grammar? Even I know it’s more badder.

(SHOPPER #2, GARY and MAN IN A HURRY enter from the audience, aggressively and
looking like rabid animals.)

What the Hell is that? …I think we’d better split, Banana.

31
(SHOPPER #2, GARY and MAN IN A HURRY get onto the stage. GARY and MAN IN A
HURRY search the area, desperately. SHOPPER #2 approaches ETHAN.)

Hey, are you okay?

SHOPPER #2
No, I’m not okay!

(SHOPPER #2 punches ETHAN in the face, then in the stomach, making ETHAN spit out blood.
GARY and MAN IN A HURRY begin fighting in the background.)

HANNAH
Bad blood!

(MAN IN A HURRY exits, looking for something. GARY grabs ETHAN, who elbows GARY in
the stomach.)

ETHAN
Hannah, get out of here! They play place by Marshall’s, get in the kiddie tunnel!

(HANNAH runs off through the audience, exiting. GARY punches ETHAN, knocking him to the
floor and dragging him. GARY and SHOPPER #2 both laugh. SHOPPER #2 begins kicking
ETHAN’s head while GARY kicks his stomach. ETHAN becomes unconscious. SHOPPER #2 and
GARY take of ETHAN’S jacket and search him.)

SHOPPER #2
He didn’t even have a doll.

(SHOPPER #2 grabs GARY’s tie.)

What a waste of time…

(BECKY enters, holding a Wiggly.)

She’s got a doll…

(SHOPPER #2 runs up towards BECKY but TOM enters and pushes him away, making him exit.)

TOM
Don’t you touch her!

(GARY goes to run at them but TOM threatens him with punches. GARY exits while saying…)

GARY
Eeeeeeeeeee!

BECKY
Thank you, Tom. I don’t know-

(She walks into ETHAN’s weak body, waking him up. TOM sees his ex-student lying on the floor in
pain.)

TOM
Oh… Wait, Ethan!

32
 ETHAN
Lex… I’ll get you to California, Lex… Then you don’t gotta cry so much no more…

(ETHAN dies. BECKY checks his pulse.)

BECKY
He’s dead… We’ve gotta get out of the mall, Tom.

TOM
I am not leaving here without a Wiggly.

(MAN IN A HURRY enters.)

MAN IN A HURRY
Give me that fucking doll, I’m in a hurry.

(TOM runs up to MAN IN A HURRY. MAN IN A HURRY pulls out a knife.)

BECKY
Tom, he’s got a knife!

(MAN IN A HURRY stabs TOM, BECKY runs up to TOM and catches him, letting go of the
Wiggly, which MAN IN A HURRY grabs.)

MAN IN A HURRY
Yummy!

(MAN IN A HURRY exits. TOM sinks down onto the floor, into BECKY’s lap.)

BECKY
Tom… Tom…

Scene 5 – ‘Do you see him?’

(LINDA enters through the audience and gets onto the stage. She is on the phone to Gerald.)

LINDA
Oh, Christ. Christ in Heaven. It’s madness in here, Gerald, madness… What? …No, I’m not
frightened! I’m annoyed…Because some asshole took my doll and… (She begins to cry.)
And… And I had a hair appointment today…

(WILEY enters. LINDA puts the phone down.)

WILEY
Well, well, well. Hello, naughty list. How you doing there, Linda?

LINDA
Stay back, whoever you are. I have pepper spray and I use it more than you could ever
imagine.

WILEY
Oh, I don’t know if you wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna fuck with me
Mrs Monroe. I was a colonel once, and your pepper spray? Well, that’s right here.

LINDA
What..? How did you-

33
 WILEY
Oh, don’t you worry about that now, Linda.

LINDA
How do you know my name?
WILEY
Well, I know a whole heap about you, and this town… Ooh, Hatchetfield… Sure is a special
place, you understand? And you, little lady, you are the most special person in it.

LINDA
I know that! What do you want from me!?

WILEY
Well, I wanna give you everything you ever desired. You see, Linda, I know why you want
those Wiggly dolls. It’s the same reason only two of your four children are from Gerald.
You keep looking for it in the arms of other men or in the smiles of your ungrateful little
brats… But you have been cruelly denied it, Linda… Go on. Say what it is.

LINDA
I want what everybody wants, to be loved.

(WILEY laughs.)

Is that a crime!?

WILEY
Oh, Linda, that’s not the bullshit you feed your therapist and your life coach. Come on now.
We all know that love is highly overrated. It’s a two-way-street. You got a give a little up
yourself. But why should you give, when you can get? Now, now, now, Linda, you wanna be…
Adored. Worshipped. And, I can help make that happen. All you gotta do is just do what you
do best.

LINDA
Shop.

WILEY
Be a mother.

LINDA
Right. Right, I’m a fabulous mother.

WILEY
Linda, you were chosen long ago to bring about the birth of a friendy-wend of mine. All you
gotta do is open your heart up to his love.

(WILEY slowly brings LINDA down to the floor.)

LINDA
What are you doing?

(WILEY continues speaking until they are out of the spotlight and on the ground.)

WILEY
Do you see him? …Do you see him? …Do you see him? …Do you see him? …Do you see
him?

34
 LINDA
Yes, I fucking see him!

Scene 6 – The Oval office

(PRESIDENT HOWARD GOODMAN is sat with VICE PRESIDENT BOB MORRIS,
SECRETARY OF DEFENCE and SECRETARY OF STATE. They are all listening to the
news.)

CARL
(Pre-recorded voice over.) This is Carl Mason coming to you live from New York with
continuing coverage of what’s already being called ‘the Black Friday from Hell’. From the
Mall of America to Macy’s Herald Square, reports are flooding in on violent riots breaking
out at retailers of all sizes. With mayors and governors pleading to the federal government
for aide, speculation swirls as to whether or not President Howard Goodman will declare a
national state of emergency.

HOWARD
Can someone tell me, what the Hell is happening out there? For God’s sake, the country is
coming apart at the seams.

SECRETARY OF DEFENCE
It’s a God damn uprising, is what it is. It could be anarchists, terrorists, socialists. Give me
two hours, Mr. President. I’ll organise a series of drone strikes against the key instigators of
this revolt.

SECRETARY OF STATE
No, Mr. President, these riots are not ideologically motivated. Make no mistake, this is
shopper mania and a fuck ton of it.

BOB
(Only speaking in an Obama impression for every single one of his lines.) Now, uh, I know this may
sound hard to believe. But it seems that what these people are rioting over is a, uh, a doll.

HOWARD
…A doll? Bob are you serious? People are killing each other for a toy?

BOB
Yes, Mr. President. (He picks up a Wiggly.) This toy. It’s called a, uh, Tickle-Me Wiggly.

HOWARD
No, no. This can’t be happening. We beat the Nazis, and the Communists. And now people
are cannibalising each other over some fucking weird little monster.

(BOB shakes his head and ‘comforts’ Wiggly. Both SECRETARIES are also looking over at
Wiggly in adoration.)

I mean, I admit… He is cute. And I’ll come right out and say it… He has a fuzzy tummy…
And I wouldn’t mind tickling that little belly-well… In fact, Morris, why don’t you… Hand
him here?

BOB
Why?

35
 HOWARD
I need to understand what we’re dealing with here and the only way I can do that… Is if I
hold him in my arms!

SECRETARY OF DEFENCE
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Mr. President. I’m the Secretary of Defence. It’s my job to protect
the nation and you. I’ll hold onto the little whipper-snapper.

HOWARD
Like Hell, you will!

SECRETARY OF STATE
That is enough! Enough, enough! One of my political heroes has always been John F.
Kennedy. He saved this country from the Cuban Missile Crisis by keeping a cool head. That
is what we need now, fellas, cool heads. So, while you three devise a strategy, I’ll hold onto
the Wiggly.

HOWARD
Shut the fuck up. Morris, I am the God damn President of the United States of America and
I order you to hand me that fucking doll!

BOB
No! You’re nothing more than a Harvard Law School, community organising prick! Take
one step closer to my friendy-wend and I’ll rip your fucking throat out with my own teeth!

SECRETARY OF STATE
He’s not your friendy-wend, he’s mine! I’m gonna tickle that doll!

SECRETARY OF DEFENCE
No! He’s mine! Back off or I will send a laser-guided ballistic missile to your house in
Denver! You’ll be scraping off what’s left of your kids off the fucking pavement!

HOWARD
Morris! Give me that cock-sucking, mother-fucking, cock-a-doodle doll!

(HOWARD, DEFENCE and STATE all run at MORRIS and try to reach up for the Wiggly
while shouting various things.)

SECRETARY OF DEFENCE
Give that to me!

HOWARD
I’ll bite your nipple off!

SECRETARY OF STATE
Hand him over! He’s my friendy-wend!

BOB
No! This is mine! I deserve that doll!

(GENERAL MCNAMARA enters and shoots Wiggly, knocking him out of BOB’s hands and
making Wiggly land on the floor. MCNAMARA goes and picks up Wiggly, who now has hole in his
belly-well.)

HOWARD
Oh my God, Morris! Are you alright?

36
 BOB
I think I’m gonna vomit.

SECRETARY OF STATE
I almost killed you Mr. President!

HOWARD
I don’t know what came over me.

MCNAMARA
I do. Sorry for the intrusion, Mr. President. Hope you don’t mind if I let myself in.

HOWARD
Into the Oval Office? Who the Hell are you?

MCNAMARA
My name’s General John McNamara of the United States Military. Special unit, P.E.I.P. We
call it PEIP.

HOWARD
PEIP? I’ve never heard of you guys.

MCNAMARA
Oh, we’re a fairly small team. Just me and a few of my peeps… That was a joke, sir. Our
department handles crises of a certain nature. Situations not unlike what we have here on
this Black Friday.

HOWARD
What do you mean ‘certain situations’?

MCNAMARA
Mr. President, behind the veil of the universe you perceive are entities both ageless and foul.
And these eldritch forces are arising. There is a creature at work here. One with designs on
humanity far worse than any nightmare we can comprehend, and he is marshalling his
power. Mr. President, if humanity’s going to have any hope for survival, you’re going to
have to come with me.

HOWARD
Where?

MCNAMARA
To borrow an expression, we’re stepping out of the blue and into the black.

Monsters and Men

McNamara: Sometimes you gotta wake,
Answer the call,
Or fall.
No need to raise the stakes
When you’re on the wall.
Stand tall.
Sometimes you gotta fill your chest.
Sometimes you gotta slow your breath.
Sometimes you gotta step into the Black and White and face the thing you dread.
Sometimes you gotta stand on up.
Sometimes you gotta make your case.

37
You gotta step into the Black and White and needle that thread.
‘Cause there are monsters and there are men.
There are monsters that live in your head.
There are monsters that we all should dread.
So, join the fight
And try your might.
Step in the Black and White.
There are forces in this world
That mean you real harm
If your soul is unarmed.
It is nothing on your phone.
We need every hand
For a scrum that’s undermanned.
The truly good
Versus the truly bad.
Ha! You better learn to discern it quickly, boys
It’s the only chance we have.
You better align your soul
With what’s good and right.
Join the only fight that’s left and scour the Black and White.
For there are monsters and there are men.
There are monsters that live in your head.
It is the monsters who should live in dread
And fear our might,
Join the fight
Into the Black and White.
Howard: So, we’re not exactly dealing with terrorists here.
McNamara: Not exactly.
Howard: What do you want from me?
McNamara: Look me in the eye now, sir
And make a solemn vow
To become your best self now.
I know our opponent, sir
Requires nothing less
Than your absolute best.
Defence: I know it’s hard.
Bob: The world is pain and distraction.
State: But there’s occasions met
By lesser men
Who took the lead.
McNamara: It must be you.
Howard: It must be me.
McNamara: Never take your office lightly.
Howard: Never take my office lightly.
McNamara: You must fill your heart.
Make good with God
Immediately.
(The rest of the COMPANY appear on the balcony.)
Howard: There are monsters and there are men.
There are monsters that live in your head.
Company: It is the monsters who shall live in dread.
McNamara: So join the fight.
Company: Ahh.
Howard: Against the real plight!

38
Company: Ahh.
When monsters are real,
You better forge a heart of steel
To cast the darkness from light.
McNamara: You gotta step
Into the Black and White.
Monsters and Men

Act 2
(We open in the movie, ‘Santa Claus Is Goin’ to High School.’)

Deck the Halls (of Northville High)

Company: Jingle jangle, jingle jangle, jingle jangle, jingle jangle, jingle jangle, jingle jangle, jingle
jangle, jingle jangle, jingle jangle, jingle jangle, jingle jangle, jingle jangle, jingle jangle, jingle jangle,
jingle jangle, jingle jangle, jingle jangle, jingle jangle.
Chris: Ring-a-ling-ding!
Ensemble: Jingle jangle, jingle jangle.
Chris: When the bell rings!
Ensemble: Jingle jangle, jingle jangle.
Chris: It’s only a matter of time ‘til Christmas break!
Group 1: Hallelu-
Group 1+2: Hallelu-
Group 1+2+3: Hallelu-
Company: Hallelujah!
Student #1: Candy canes in my bag!
Ensemble: In the school yard.
Student #2: Mom is bringing my sled!
Student #3: When the clock strikes three-
Ensemble: See you at the rink!
Student #3: And I’ll ice up my skates.
Ensemble: Can’t wait!
Deck the halls on high, deck up Northville High School
Carol in the halls rising with the tide Yule
Orient like kings, see what winter brings for your
Northville mistletoe!
Male ensemble: Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Ensemble: Spread that Christmas cheer, rock that Northville spirit
Ditch that lump of coal, push it to the limit.
Pumpkin spice for days, fill those cookie trays up
And pass Chris Kringle the ball!
Deck the halls of Northville High, ‘tis the season of rock and rollin’!
And we’ll beat south heights ‘cause they’re naught, not nice
And we’ll dunk and spike their eggnog!
Jingle, jangle! Hey, Chris Kringle got ice in his veins for a reason!
And we’ll beat South Heights when the mistletoe bites
With our secret Santa swap!
Fa la la la la la la!

39
(MR. HUMBUGGER enters on the balcony. He exits immediately after his line.
JINGLE and JANGLE enter.)
Mr. Humbugger: Christopher Kringle, report to the principal’s office immediately!
Ensemble: Oh!
Chris: Oh, man! Mr. Humbugger! I’m in trouble now!
Jingle: You bet you are!
Chris: Jingle! Jangle! If anyone sees two elves in my locker, I’ll get expelled for sure! What
are you two doing here!?
Jingle: We’re here to make sure you don’t screw up Christmas, boss!
Jangle: That’s right!
(NOEL enters and approaches CHRIS.)
Noel: Hey, Chris.
Chris: Noel!
Noel: Were you just talking to your locker?
Jingle: Don’t worry, boss! She can’t see us, but, if she finds out you’re Santa, Father
Winter’s spell will be broken!
Jangle: That’s right!
Ensemble: Northville High School
Got you cold!
We will rock you
Under the mistletoe!
Tune ensemble: Seniors heard on high slaying Northville High School
Higher ensemble: Seniors heard on high…
Tune ensemble: Over hills we go, rising with the tide Yule.
Higher ensemble: Rising with the tide…
Tune ensemble: Orient like kings, see what winter brings for your
Ensemble: Northville mistletoe!
Lower ensemble: Fa la la la!
Tune ensemble: Spread that Christmas cheer, rock that Northville spirit!
Higher ensemble: Ring-a-ling…
Tune ensemble: Ditch that lump of coal, push it to the limit.
Higher ensemble: Hear us sing…
Tune ensemble: Pumpkin spice for days, fill those cookie trays up
Ensemble: And pass Chris Kringle the ball!
Jingle: Yeah!
Company: Deck the halls of Northville High, ‘tis the season of rock and rollin’!
Higher ensemble: ‘Tis the season of rock and rollin’!
Company: But we’ll beat South Heights ‘cause they’re naughty, not nice
And we’ll dunk and spike their eggnog!
Lower + higher ensemble: Spike it!
Company: Jingle jangle! Hey, Chris Kringle got ice in his veins for a reason!
Higher ensemble: Got ice in his veins for a reason!
Company: And we’ll beat South Heights when the mistletoe bites
With our secret Santa swap.
Lower ensemble: Swap it, swap it!
Company: Fa la la la la la la!
Deck the halls of Northville High school,
Fa la la la la!

40
La la
La
Lower ensemble: La…
Company: Deck the halls on high, deck up Northville High School!
Carol in the halls rising with the tide Yule!
Orient like kings, see what winter brings
Lower ensemble: Jingle jangle!
Company: And pass Chris Kringle the ball!
Yeah!
Deck the Halls (of Northville High)

Scene 7 – Opening Up
(All of the characters from the movie exit. TOM pops up from behind some boxes.)

TOM
What the fuck am I watching?

(BECKY enters.)

BECKY
Careful, Tom. You don’t wanna rip the stitches. We are in the Cineplex, you were stabbed. I
found a first aid kit in the box office. I patched you up as bet I could.

TOM
What is this?

BECKY
Um, it’s a movie. ‘Santa Claus Is Goin’ to High School’?

TOM
Yeah? What’s it about?

BECKY
I don’t know. Uh, all the kids in the world are on the naughty list, Santa figures he’s out of
touch so he turns into a teenager so he can… Reconnect with the youth..? Or spy on them…

(TOM winces in pain.)

TOM
How is it?

BECKY
It’s not good, Tom.

TOM
No. No, no, I was talking about the movie.

BECKY
So was I… It’s real bad. But you’ll be alright, the knife missed your vital organs.

41
 TOM
I guess it’s my lucky day,

BECKY
Here, let me help you.

(BECKY helps TOM sit down on the box instead of the chair.)

NOEL
(Offstage.) There’s something funny about you, Mr. Kringle. I wanna know how to made ice
appear on the gym floor to make those bullies slip and fall into the dumpster.

TOM
You know, I haven’t been to the Cineplex in years.

BECKY
…Neither have I… Stanley used to say going to the movies was a waste of money… Ha! I
didn’t even realise, I was just tryna find some place safe and I dragged us to our old seats! It
must’ve been second nature…

TOM
No kidding.

BECKY
Yeah, look! G 7 and 8!

TOM
Wait… I wonder if it’s still here…

(TOM checks the seat infront of him.)

Yeah! Becky, look! You remember when we carved that!?

BECKY
Yeah. It’s… A penis.

TOM
Ayyyyyy! Yeah, well, we were kids. I mean, if I could go back, I would carve something nice.

BECKY
Yeah, like T and B forever? …Well, we thought it’d be forever.

CHRIS
(Offstage.) Oh, you wouldn’t believe me even if I told you.

NOEL
(Offstage.) Oh, yeah? Try me.

42
 CHRIS
(Offstage.) Noel… I’m Santa Claus.

TOM
What’s going on out there?

BECKY
Well, the people who got dolls ran, the people who didn’t are still in the mall, they’re
organising. They blocked off all the exits. They’re convinced there are more dolls in here
somewhere.

TOM
Are there?

BECKY
I don’t know, Tom.

TOM
Well, if there’s even one Wiggly left, I’m gonna find it.

(TOM stands up.)

BECKY
Tom, no. You-

TOM
You said I’ll be fine!

BECKY
Yeah, but-

TOM
Becky, please! …I’m sorry… It’s just… The night Jane died… I was driving… If she was
driving, she would’ve seen the other car sliding into the intersection… And she would’ve
stopped… It’s my fault… It’s my fault she’s dead… I killed my family…

BECKY
…Remember us in high school? The quarterback and the cheer captain? We were
insatiable… When you shipped out, I thought I’d wait for you… Then I met Stanley… At
first he was so cool he bought us booze and cigarettes. He had a car and his own apartment.
We were kinda going together for about five months when I’m at the lake with some friends.
I’m flirting with some guy, you know, a little buzzed, when Stanley’s car comes driving onto
the beach… And he grabs this spoor boy and just beats the shit out of him. Then he tells me
to get in. After that, I didn’t go to anymore parties. Stanley was a bad, bad man… People
think he left me for some woman in Clivesdale, but that’s not the truth… Last year, when
your wife passed, I was thinking of going to the funeral. Stanley said he’d rather see me dead
than hanging around Tom Houston again, and something about that woke something up
inside of me. Because when we went our separate ways, it was fine because it was us, but

43
who was he to keep us apart? So that night, I fought back. He chased me out of the house
and into the woods. He was the one who brought the knife… It’s funny, Stanley’s the one
who made me go to nursing school. That’s how I knew where his femoral artery was. Not
sure if I hit it, but I left him out there. Maybe he crawled somewhere for help, maybe he died
in those woods. You say you killed your family? I hope I killed mine. So, Tom, you’ve got to
forgive yourself, ‘cause if you don’t, how’s anyone ever gonna forgive me?

TOM
Becky Barnes…

Take Me Back
Tom: You
Look just
The same
As I always remember.
All those Friday nights
Under the lights
Under the bleachers together.
You and I were meant to be
Something more than a faded memory,
‘Til you
And I
Something divided us.
If the universe is infinite
Then it’s definite
There’s an alternate reality
Where we’re now a family.
Take me back in time to love you
Take me back when we were lost
Lost in love and lost in feeling
Without the cost.
Take me back in time to high school
Take me back when things were light.
Light my heart and light my shadow
To make it alright.
‘Cause I already lost it once
What I already won.
Becky: You
Don’t look
The same
At all, as I remember.
The light has left your eyes
Something has changed.
Then, you were way more put together
But I remember something someone asked me back in school.
Tom,
If you asked me,
I’d still go to prom with you.

44
The universe is infinite
And it’s definite
There’s an alternate reality
Where it’s only you and me.
Take me back in time to love you,
Hold me closer than before
Heal my heart and mend what’s broken
To feel you once more.
Tom: Without the cost.
Becky: Take me back in time to high school.
Tom: Take me back to high school.
Becky: Take me back when things were light.
Tom: Take me back in time.
Both: Light my heart and light my shadow.
Becky: For one more night…
Tom: One more night.
Both: ‘Cause I already lost it once,
What I already won!
I’ve lost too much now to care!
But I know that something’s still there!
Tom: I’ll never let you go.
Becky: I’ll never let you go!
Both: I’ll never let you go now…
(They both pretend to look at the cinema screen. JINGLE, JANGLE, CHRIS and
NOEL enter.)
Ensemble: Just take me back,
Gotta take me back.
Just take me back,
Gotta take me back.
Just take me back,
Gotta take me back.
Just take me back,
Gotta take me back in time
Just take me- Oh!
Gotta take me back in time.
Just take me- Oh!
Gotta take me back.
(TOM and BECKY kiss.)
T+B: In time to love you.
Hold me closer than before.
Heal my heart and mend what’s broken
Becky: To feel you once more…
Tom: Feel you once more!
Becky: Take me back in time to high school.
Tom: Take me back to high school.
Becky: Take me back when things were light.
Tom: Take me back in time!
Both: Light my heart and light my shadow

45
Becky: To make it alright.
Tom: Make it alright.
Both: Alright!
(TOM and BECKY start making out, TOM takes his flannel off and they get on the
ground behind some blocks. TOM pulls BECKY’s leg up and the lights fade from
them.)
Take Me Back

(JINGLE and JANGLE exit. Spotlight on NOEL and CHRIS.)

NOEL
If you’re really Santa, tell me something only Santa would know. Tell me what I asked for
for Christmas when I was seven years old.

CHRIS
Noel, I can’t.

NOEL
I knew it. I knew you weren’t Santa.

(NOEL begins to cry. CHRIS pulls out a red Santa hat and puts it on.)

CHRIS
A red tricycle.

(NOEL turns around.)

NOEL
Santa!

(NOEL and CHRIS start making out. Lights come up on TOM, who pokes his head over the boxes.)

TOM
This is the best movie ever!

(BECKY pulls TOM back in.)

Scene 8 – PEIP HQ
(MCNAMARA and HOWARD enter through the audience and make their way on stage, where a
few PEIP agents, including XANDER LEE, stand.)

MCNAMARA
Paranormal, Extra-terrestrial, Inter-dimensional phenomenon. That is the purview of our
organisation, Mr. President. Welcome to PEIP HQ.

HOWARD
So, you’re telling me that there’s another dimension?

46
 MCNAMARA
There are many dimensions, Mr. President. What concerns us today is a place outside all
dimensions, a swirling sea of psychic energy we call the Black and White. The current ruler
of this realm is an entity we’ve known of for thirteen years, but has only now revealed his
name, Wiggly.

HOWARD
…The doll?

XANDER
The doll’s only part of it. What? You don’t remember your Catechism class? The father’s
the son, the son’s the father. Wiggly rules on high in the Black and White, but he also is the
dolls. Bet you didn’t guess the Lord of Despair would be so cute and cuddly, did you?

MCNAMARA
Xander Lee, theoretical physicist.

HOWARD
Physicist! Is that like a scientist?

MCNAMARA
Yes. He’s also the best damn field agent I’ve ever worked with.

HOWARD
Field agent! Is that like a soldier? Sorry, I’m really lost here. Okay, so, Wiggly. He makes
people go crazy. Why? What does he want?

XANDER
Howie, can I call you Howie? Howie, listen. Wiggly wants us, he wants everything. He’s
a-knocking and he wants in.

MCNAMARA
Thirteen years ago, PEIP constructed a portal, a portal connecting our reality to the Black
and White. My mentor, Wilbur Cross, stepped through that portal and came out a raving
lunatic. He pledged his undying loyalty to the forces within and disappeared soon after…

HOWARD
That’s heavy.

MCNAMARA
Today we wanna send you through that portal.

(A beat.)

HOWARD
Me!?

47
 MCNAMARA
You are the democratically elected representative of the United States of America and you
must negotiate a peace with Wiggly.

HOWARD
You wanna send me to the fucking Twilight Zone!? To have a sit-down with the devil!?
Fuck that. Fuck that, fuck that! That’s all, folks!

(HOWARD goes to exit but XANDER pulls him back.)

XANDER
Howie, listen! These riots are just the beginning. Right now, Wiggly is culling the wheat
from the chaff and when the only people left are his most devout followers they will build
him his birth canal.

MCNAMARA
A portal much more powerful than ours. A portal large enough for Wiggly himself to cross
through, and when he does, he will remake creation to his liking. In short, Mr. President, we
are trying to stop the birth of a God.

Scene 9 – Mother!
(SHERMAN is stood on the balcony, a few shoppers on the ground below him.)

SHERMAN
Friends, neighbours, follow citizens of Hatchetfield! My name is Sherman Young. 168 hours
ago, I came to this mall to wait in line for a Wiggly. Throughout that time, I ate nothing but
snacks packed in a cooler by my mother and defecated into a bucket, all so that I would not
lose my place in line. If all had gone as planned, I would now be the proud owner of 850
dolls! Yet, after today’s great battle, I stand here, like you, empty handed! And, yet, my heart
swells with humility and joy! I came here in search of a doll, but what I found was
something far greater. Faith in the one true God! All hail Wiggly!

HOMELESS GUY
Wiggly is good!

SHOPPER #3
Wiggly is just!

HOMELESS GUY
If we have faith, we will be rewarded with a cuddly toy!

SHERMAN
Yes, brothers and sisters! We have seized control of Lakeside Mall, let it be a new Jerusalem!
And from it, we shall march forth and conquer the Earth! All hail Wiggly!

HOMELESS GUY + SHOPPER #2

Wiggly! Wiggly! Wiggly!

48
 SHERMAN
Yes, yes! Now, bring forth the infidels!

(HOMELESS GUY and SHOPPER #2 exit and re-enter, this time dragging FRANK and LEX
with them.)

FRANK
Let me go, you nut-bags, you crazies!

(They are pushed to the floor with their hands tied behind their backs so they can’t get up..)

LEX
Frank, if anything happens to my sister, I swear to God-

SHERMAN
Silence, heathens!

SHOPPER #3
Kill them!

HOMELESS GUY
Fucking kill them!

SHERMAN
No, no, no, friendy-wends! They face, not your judgement, but that of she ordained by the
highest god! The prophet! The mother! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

HOMLESS GUY + SHOPPER #3

Mother! Mother! Mother! Mother!

(LINDA enters to the balcony while on the phone to Gerald.)

LINDA
Yes, they’re talking about me, Gerald… I dislike that word, Gerald, ‘cult’… No, it’s a new,
exciting religion that I started… Well, yes, of course you can come inside and support me,
but before you do, you should know that my first act as divine prophet was to set fire to the
Cinnabon as a sacrifice to a dark god… Oh, now you’d rather stay outside and keep the car
warm! Hold on.

(She ends the call and looks down at her supporters, including SHERMAN, who has now made his
way off the balcony.)

Yes, I am the divine prophet. I have gazed into the face of God. He has chosen me to usher
in his reign and give him life but, oh! How, Lord, how? Your voice is so far away, I cannot
hear it. I need a vessel filled with your essence to guide your people, to let your will be
known! I need a Wiggly doll. Ideally four of them.

49
 FRANK
Listen, lady! You want a Wiggly doll? I can get you a Wiggly doll straight from the
manufacturer at wholesale prices.

(LINDA makes her way down the stairs and laughs. She makes her way over to FRANK.)

LINDA
We have no need for your manufacturers, because, brothers and sisters, there is still one
Wiggly left in this mall. I can feel it. The only hope for extending your worthless life is to
tell me, where is that doll?

FRANK
I don’t know. You saw it yourself, you animals took them all! Please let me go! For the love
of God!

LINDA
I’ve met God. He had nothing nice to say about you.

(LINDA slits FRANK’s throat. FRANK dies.)

LEX
Frank! Frank!

(LINDA kneels down next to LEX and grabs hold of her.)

LINDA
You listen to me, you little tramp. Now, I know you know where that Wiggly is. I can smell
him on you. It’s perfume to that trailer-trash stench!

LEX
I have no idea what you’re talking about! You people are so fucked up!

(SECURITY GUARD enters.)

SECURITY GUARD
She has the lying tongue of a snake! I’ve seen it, brothers and sisters, on this security camera
footage. This witch stole a Wiggly doll and put it in the backpack of a little girl with pigtails
and a baseball cap!

LEX
No, no, no, no! Please! Don’t hurt my sister, Hannah, please!

(LEX is stood up and dragged offstage by HOMLESS GUY, who re-enters right after.)

LINDA
This little girl stands between you and your God! Sally forth, in the name of Wiggly! Bring
me the child.

50
Adore Me
Linda: As a pillar of the community we can agree, I’m a bit of a mensch.
It gets exhausting everyone looking at me, jealousy has a bit of a stench.
But now I see
The light before me,
It’s a tunnel vision opportunity!
To coax the world,
To break your cold hearts down.
You will adore me, I just know.
You’ll kneel before me, kiss my toe.
I demand your love and worship, too.
If I don’t get it, I will end you
‘Cause I will be adored.
Ensemble: Why should you give when you can get?
Never forgive, never forget.
Linda: You better adore me.
Ensemble: Take what you want, return what you get.
No matter the cost, idle the threat.
Linda: I will destroy everything, and then I will destroy everything. I guarantee I’ll destroy
everything in my path, unless I get what I- Shit it’s Gerald! Hold on.
Ensemble: I will destroy everything,
Linda: Alright, keep going! Just don’t say the shit part, that wasn’t it.
Ensemble: And then I will destroy everything.
Linda: Don’t say the shit part.
Ensemble: I guarantee I’ll destroy everything in my path, unless I get what I shit.
Linda: No, no. Guys, while I don’t want you to think for yourselves, I still want you to
know what I mean when I say my evil shit, ‘kay?
Company: You will adore me!
You’ll kneel before me!
Linda: I demand your love and worship, too.
Ensemble: Oh…
Linda: If I don’t get it,
Company: I will-
Linda: You.
‘Cause I will be adored.
Ensemble: Why should you give when you can get?
Never forgive or forget.
Adore Me

Scene 10 – Bad Double

(HANNAH sits, crying, next to some boxes centre stage.)

LEX
(Offstage.) No, Hannah! Hannah!

HANNAH
Lexie!?

51
 WIGGLY
Hannah? Hannah… Hannah…

HANNAH
Webby, I’m scared.

(ETHAN appears on the balcony and looks down at HANNAH.)

ETHAN
What’s shaking, Banana?

HANNAH
Ethan?

ETHAN
Who else? Oh, don’t be scared, Hannah. It’s safe to come out now. Do I gotta put a leash on
you?

HANNAH
No. Webby says… You died…

(ETHAN laughs.)

ETHAN
I did.

HANNAH
…Huh?

ETHAN
Awh, don’t be so mushy, Banana. I’m in the Black and White now. It’s real nice. It’s just like
California! It never rains.

HANNAH
Not Ethan! Liar! Bad double!

ETHAN
You know they’re coming for you, Hannah! There’s only one thing you can do. You’ve gotta
give that doll to a woman in a black cape. She’s real nice. I swear on my own grave…

HANNAH
Not Ethan!

(HANNAH opens the bag and finds the Wiggly doll.)

It’s you.

WIGGLY
Hello, Hannah. Let’s be pally-walls. Don’t you want to tickle my tumsy wumsy?

52
 HANNAH
No! Webby says you’re bad! She said you tried to trick me.

WIGGLY
Well, Webby is a stupid bitch. You could’ve served me willingly, but you’re being a rotten
little banana. I’m going to have to peel you. I’m going to split you in two. I’m going to eat
you, Hannah. I’m going to eat you right the fuck up!

HANNAH
No!

(HANNAH throws Wiggly across the stage and cries. Tom and BECKY enter.)

BECKY
Careful, Tom. Those maniacs could be anywhere!

TOM
Uh, Becky, about what we just did-

(HANNAH runs, gets Wiggly and runs across the stage again.)

BECKY
Tom, look. It’s a little girl! And she’s got a Wiggly doll…

HANNAH
Don’t listen to him. He’s bad, he’ll trick you!

TOM
Ah, don’t worry kid. We don’t get tricked, we’re grown-ups.

BECKY
You can trust us! We’re good people.

(HANNAH takes a few steps back, both TOM and BECKY put their arms out.)

Woah, woah, wait. Where you going, sweetheart?

HANNAH
California.

(TOM and BECKY gasp.)

TOM
Did you hear that, Becky? She’s going to California!

BECKY
Land of Hollywood and movie stars…

53
 TOM
But that’s an awful long way to go and that doll looks really heavy! Why don’t you hand it
over?

(HANNAH steps back again. TOM and BECKY walks towards her.)

HANNAH
Uh-uh.

TOM
Why you backing away from me, kid? I’m not gonna hurt you. Listen, I’ve been through hell
today trying to get one of those dolls for my son. He’s about your age. And I’ll do anything
for him. Any goddamn thing… Even if it means pounding the guts out of some little twerp!
Now, give me that fucking doll!

HANNAH
No! No! No, no!

(HANNAH runs away through the audience.)

BECKY
Tom, how could you!? You let her get away! You really are a fucking idiot, aren’t you!?

TOM
Well, I didn’t see you coming up with any bright ideas, cheer captain!

BECKY
You don’t scream at a child, it frightens them! You lure them in delicately… And you put
them to sleep.

(BECKY pulls out a syringe.)

TOM
Yeah… Smart.

BECKY
Little girl? Sweetheart? California..?

Do You Want to Play?

(BECKY and TOM make their way through the audience as they sing, BECKY point
the syringe at random audience members. HANNAH runs back down onto the stage
without the adults noticing,)
Becky: Do you want to play with me,
Lovely girl,
Lovely girl?
Do you want some candy,
My lovely girl,
My lovely girl?
Tom: Hey!

54
Becky: Let’s play some games.
Let’s play some games today,
Funny games,
Some funny games today?
(HANNAH accidentally kicks something and TOM spots her. After TOM speaks, they
start making their way back down onto the stage.)
Tom: Becky, over there.
Becky: Do you want-
Tom: Come here.
Becky: -To play with me,
Tom: Come here.
Becky: Lovely girl,
Lovely girl?
Tom: Come here now…
Becky: Do you want some candy,
Tom: Come here, my dear…
Becky: My lovely girl,
Tom: I want you to come here so we can play.
Becky: My lovely girl?
Both: Let’s play some games.
Let’s play some games today,
Becky: Funny games…
Tom: Funny, funny, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Becky: Some funny games today…
Tom: Funny, funny, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
(TOM grabs HANNAH.)
Both: Ha, ha, ha!
Do You Want to Play?

(HANNAH screams as TOM forces her to the floor. TOM laughs.)

TOM
I got her, Becky! I’ve got her!

BECKY
Hold her still!

(BECKY goes to stab HANNAH with the syringe but she ends up stabbing herself.)

Oh, shit! It’s in my leg!

(TOM takes the Wiggly from HANNAH and BECKY is about to pass out on top of her.)

HANNAH
No! No, no!

TOM
Oh, I’ve got it! You’re mine now and I am gonna tickle your belly-well…

55
(WIGGLY laughs.)

WIGGLY
That tickles!

BECKY
(Very slurred.) Hey, Tom… Half of that is mine…

TOM
I’m sorry, babe, no dice. But don’t worry, we’ll get you another one later… Right now, I
think you need a nap.

(TOM exits.)

BECKY
You… Bastard…

(BECKY passes out on top of HANNAH.)

HANNAH
She’s heavy!

(GARY and SECURITY GUARD enter.)

SECURITY GUARD
Look, in the food court! The little girl with the backpack!

(They run towards them and find BECKY.)

And who is this?

GARY
Her protector.

SECURITY GUARD
Another heathen, no doubt. Bring her as well. The prophet shall bathe in the blood of the
unfaithful! Joyous day!

(GARY and SECURITY GUARD take BECKY and HANNAH off.)

Scene 11 – The Black and White

(HOWARD stands wearing a full astronaut suit anile MCNAMARA stands on the balcony above.)

MCNAMARA
Alright, Mr. President, beginning inter-dimensional convergence with the Black and White.

HOWARD
I don’t know about this, John. Foreign policy was never my strong suit.

56
 MCNAMARA
We’re not sending you in there half-cocked, sir. We have a hydrogen bomb ready to deploy
into the Black and White if need be.

HOWARD
Oh, God. I feel like I’m gonna puke.

MCNAMARA
Mr. President, the greatest strategic value of nuclear weapons has always been deterrence.
Wiggly is a being who has never contemplated his own annihilation. If threatened with
such, he may retreat from our reality. Good luck and god speed.

(We hear a machine whirring. Everything goes dark expect for one green light shining down on
HOWARD.)

HOWARD
Breathe… Breathe… Breathe…

MCNAMARA
(Through a walkie-talkie.) Mr. President, do you copy?

HOWARD
Uh, yeah, John. I hear you.

MCNAMARA
What do you see?

HOWARD
I see… Blackness. Endless blackness… Hello? Hello!? My name is Howard Goodman. I am
President of the United States of America… Earth… I demand to speak to the entity known
as Wiggly… There’s nothing here.

WILEY
Howie… Howie…

HOWARD
Hello!?

WILEY
Howie…

HOWARD
For God’s sake, what do you want!?

MCNAMARA
Calm down, Mr. President. You have to-

HOWARD
No, John, I can’t hear you! Can anyone hear me?

57
(A spotlight appears on WILEY, who is stood leaning against a pillar on the audience while eating
an apple.)

WILEY
How you doing there, Howie?

HOWARD
Who are you?

(Silence.)

WILEY
Do you know why it had to be a doll? It all boils down to belief. It’s a powerful thing. You
see, people don’t believe in governments anymore. No matter who the masses vote for, they
always get the same thing. The poor get poorer and the rich, well, they just get richer.
Swamped in student debt, credit card debt, medical bills, the people have been abandoned by
everything! Everything except… Products!

(He laughs.)

That’s the only comfort they have left! And you, the President of the United States, you
were Wiggly’s greatest ally!

HOWARD
No! That’s not true, I can’t be evil! I’m a status quo democrat!

(A spotlight appears on MCNAMARA again, this time, XANDER is with him.)

XANDER
Mr. President? Howie! We’re losing him.

MCNAMARA
Xander, I know what must be done.

(MCNAMARA exits.)

XANDER
John? No, John! Don’t go in there!

(XANDER exits and the light fades.)

WILEY
Only in America could Wiggly take root! Hold this.

(He hands his apple to a member of the audience.)

Do you think that in the Netherlands they give a shit about some toy? No, they’re too busy
enjoying their paid vacations and the free healthcare! You empowered Wiggly. You invited
him in and now you come into his house to make demands of him!?

58
Made In America
Wiley: You thought that you could outsmart the very thing that runs the blood of your kind?
Sick with greed and a lust, for that you will give up your will and your pride.
You’re hoping to be saved no matter what you have raised
Behold the depths of depravity and decay.
It happened on your watch, your time is running out before worlds collide.
You went and opened the box and then he came in a slick, little package and drove you insane
‘Cause your thirst for stuff is never slaked.
(Some SNIGGLES enter and make noises.)
Now the end is nigh, the apocalypse here in a package that’s not what it appears.
You may ask ‘Why the doll?’
Well, that’s all it takes
When you’re made in America!
Sniggles: Woah…
Wiley: In a valley of silicon!
Sniggles: Woah…
Wiley: Welcome to Wiggly’s shop, your America Assembly line.
We got toys and trucks and big, fat butts that’ll help you pass the time.
Hey, kids! You know that you grow up with all the crap you want.
Just sprinkle it with dust and a gob of fucking lust and you wave your world goodbye…
Wiley + Sniggles: Wiggly, Wiggly, Wiggle Wiggly,
Wiggly, Wiggly, Wig…
Wiley: Wa-wa-wiggle-wiggle.
Higher ensemble: (Overlapping.) Wiggly, Wiggly, wiggle Wiggly,
Wiggly, Wiggly, Wig…
Lower ensemble: (Overlapping.) Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggly
Wiggly, Wiggly, Wig…
(One SNIGGLE holds up two lights on the balcony, creating eyes for Wiggly.)
Wiggly: Hello, Mr. Prezzi-wezz. Welcome to Drowsy Town.
Howard: It’s you!
Wiggly: Don’t be frightened. You’re my bested buddy-wud!
Howard: No! No, I’ve come to tell you… To leave us alone!
(The SNIGGLES, WILEY and WIGGLY all laugh.)
Wiggly: Leave? Just before Christmas? It’s going to be my birthday, you know. I wouldn’t
want to miss out on opening all my presents. I think I’ll start with you. I’m going to cut
open your belly-well and deck the halls with your gutsy-wutsies!
(MCNAMARA enters.)
McNamara: Enough!
Howard: John!
Wiggly: You.
McNamara: Your minions may do me no harm, Wiggly, for I cut through them with a
blade of truth. Be gone.
Howard: I’m sorry, John, I fucked it up!
McNamara: Don’t worry, Mr. President, come on. Let’s get you out of here.
Wiley: It’s too late, John! Wiggly’s prophet has been chosen, and as soon as she has a doll,
she will bring about his birth!
Wiley + Sniggles: You opened the box, a doll came out

59
Wiley: And he’ll touch down soon to erase any doubt!
That is all you need to fill your heart.
Sniggles: Ah!
Wiley + Sniggles: Now the end is nigh, the apocalypse here
Wiley: In a package that preys on the worst of your fears.
The gambit is done, a work of art
That was made in America!
Sniggles: Woah…
Wiley: In a valley of silicon!
Sniggles: Woah…
McNamara: There! The portal! You must go, Mr. President. Go now!
Howard: What about you?
McNamara: Return is no longer an option for me. Without a suit, my body has already
begun to dematerialise. My spirit will be absorbed into the Black and White. I’ll do what I
can from here. It’s been an honour to serve.
Howard: Sure.
(MCNAMARA exits.)
Wiley: We’re all made in America
Sniggles: Woah…
Wiley: In a valley of silicon.
Sniggles: Woah…
Howard: Woah!
Made In America

(WILEY and the SNIGGLES exit. HOWARD pants on the floor.)

XANDER
Hey, hey, hey, Howie, are you alright?

HOWARD
There’s no reasoning with that thing! Deploy the nuke! Blow that bastard to kingdom come!

XANDER
What about John? He’s still in there!

HOWARD
He’s gone. We need to kill Wiggly now!

PEIP AGENT #1
Deploying the nuclear bomb. It is entering the Black and White. Detonation in five, four,
three-

HOWARD
Merry Christmas, motherfucker!

PEIP AGENT #1
One!

60
 HOWARD
Did it go off? Where’s the explosion? Shouldn’t we be hearing an explosion!?

WIGGLY
Uh-oh, Mr. Prezzi-wezz. It seems you’ve misplaced your bomby-wom. Don’t worry, I’m sure
it’ll turn up somewhere…

HOWARD
What..? What does he mean? What do you mean, you son of a bitch!?

PEIP AGENT #1
Mr. President, we’ve just received a message from the Pentagon. There’s been an explosion
on the Eurasian continent.

HOWARD
What?

PEIP AGENT #1
Moscow is gone, sir.

HOWARD
…How? How!?

XANDER
Christ, the Russians had another portal.

WIGGLY
I have friend-wends all over the world. When my Uncle Wiley told the Russians about
America’s new toy, they just had to have one of their own!

XANDER
He knew. He wanted us to send in the nuke. He took the bomb and pushed it through the
Russian’s portal! He baited us into World War III.

(WIGGLY laughs.)

WIGGLY
That tickles!

HOWARD
How could I have known..? How could I have known there was another portal!? There was
two doors, not one. Two doors, not one!

(HOWARD cries.)

PEIP AGENT #1
Mr. President, we need to prepare for a counter-strike. We need to get you out of
Washington and on board Marine One.

61
(All three exit.)

WIGGLY
Thank you so much for visiting my home, Mr. Prezzi-wezz. I can’t wait to visit yours!

(WIGGLY begins to laugh before making a guttural noise.)

Scene 12 – Friday Is Black for Me

(SHERMAN brings LEX to centre-stage and forces her to her knees. He circles her and points a gun
at her.)

SHERMAN
End of the line, infidel. May your death throes echo through Drowsy Town to awaken the
Wiggly one.

LEX
Come on, Sherman! It’s me, Lex! I’ve seen you in ToyZone every week for the past two
years! Haven’t I always helped you out?

SHERMAN
You’re in retail, it’s your job to help me.

LEX
Well, it’s not my job to do favours. Who set aside those ponies so you could get them before
the little girls they were made for?

SHERMAN
You?

LEX
Yeah! And if you let me go, I’ll help you out again!

SHERMAN
You have ponies?

LEX
If you let me loose, I’ll give you all the ponies your sick little heart desires.

SHERMAN
Hm. I don’t know if there are enough ponies in the world for that…

LEX
Well, there are some extras in the store room. We were supposed to ship them beck because
the colours were all messed up.

(SHERMAN gasps.)

SHERMAN
One of a kind mispaints? You better not be fucking with me.

62
 LEX
No, not to a loyal customer.

SHERMAN
Okay… Take me to the ponies and I’ll murder you later.

LEX
Okay. Oh, thank you, Sherman! And about those mispaints…

(LEX knees SHERMAN in the stomach.)

I threw them in the fucking trash!

(SHERMAN trips LEX and she falls to the floor.)

SHERMAN
When they mess up the colours, it makes them more valuable!

(SHERMAN head slams LEX into the floor.)

Those are collector’s items! You killed the ponies, and now I’m gonna kill you!

(SHERMAN brings LEX to her knees again and begins to strangle her.)

Black Friday
Lex: Is this what I lived for,
To be chocked in a toy store
While staring into Hell?
(LEX stands up to sing.)
There’s something that’s beautiful
Being awake for my funeral.
You can close the casket now.
The plans for my father’s hopeless seed
Born into moral poverty
Still,
I wasn’t the angel Heaven sent
To break through my cliché boundaries.
‘Cause Friday is Black for me.
The dreamer has dreamed her dream.
When Friday is Black, there’s no turning back, ‘cause Friday is Black for me.
Is there some lesson to learn?
Should I never have wanted?
I never even got started,
Or were the decks always just this stacked?
I mean, it’s really a godsend,
Clear my plans for the weekend
But there’s nothing to subtract.
I don’t want your half-baked sympathy,
When did it save those in need?

63
Still, I thought that angels did exist,
But now I hope they plan to end it quick!
‘Cause Friday is Black for me.
Only my ashes will see the sea.
When Friday is Black there’s no turning back ‘cause Friday is Black for me.
At first I didn’t know what she was to me.
At first I didn’t know why I cared, or why I wanted
To hold her a rock her to sleep.
Did I need her more than she needed me?
Maybe I’m wrong.
She can go on her own ‘cause I’m leaving
‘Cause Friday is Black for me.
Only my ashes will see the sea.
(LEX kneels back down on the floor.)
When Friday is Black there’s no turning back, ‘cause Friday is Black…
Black Friday

(LEX begins to choke and gasp for breath. MCNAMARA appears.)

MCNAMARA
You’re not dead yet.

LEX
Wha- what?

MCNAMARA
Alexandra Foster, my name is General John McNamara and I am going to help you through
this. First, you need to subdue your assailant. I’m authorising you to use my firearm.

(LEX tries to reach but fails.)

LEX
I can’t reach it.

MCNAMARA
Yes, you can. Your sister has a power and so do you. Reach into the Black and White. You
must manifest this weapon into your reality.

Monsters and Men (Reprise)

McNamara: Look me in the eye now, Lex
And make a solemn vow
To become your best self now.
That time has arrived now, Lex.
When your Friday’s Black,
It’s time to lead the pack.
Company: (Offstage.) There are monsters and there’re men.
McNamara: I could show you the path but only you can walk it.
Company: There are monsters that live in your head.
McNamara: If Wiggly is birthed, who knows what we’ve unlocked.

64
Company: There are monsters that we all should dread.
McNamara: Time has run out.
What will you do?
Monsters and Men (Reprise)

SHERMAN
I’m going to kill you!

(LEX gets out of SHERMAN’s grip, pulls out a gun and shoots him.)

Where did that come from?

(SHERMAN dies.)

MCNAMARA
Nice shot, Lex, but we’re not through yet. The leaders of your world are lost and helpless.
You’ve been called to serve. If you can defeat Wiggly here in Hatchetfield, he can be
defeated anywhere.

LEX
What am I supposed to do?

MCNAMARA
Gather your forces. There is a warrior of light trapped in a deep sleep. Wake the warrior,
kill the prophet, save the world. You’re a PEIP now, Lex. Get her done.

Scene 13 – They’re All into Fortnite, Dude!

(TOM is nearing the exit of the mall, holding the Wiggly.)

TOM
Alright, little buddy, just gotta pass through this doorway and we’re home fre-. Oh. I hope
they didn’t tow my car, that’d be just my luck.

(LEX runs in, holding the gun.)

LEX
Mr. Houston!

TOM
Leave me alone!

LEX
Mr. Houston, turn around!

TOM
What? Are you gonna shoot me, Lex, or can I go home? I’ve had a shitty day and I’d
appreciate it if you got that goddamn gun out of my face!

65
 LEX
Mr. Houston, I need your help, but I need you to put down that doll.

TOM
Why would I put him down? You only want him for yourself!

LEX
No, I don’t!

TOM
Too bad, Lex! I’m leaving and I’m taking this doll to my son!

LEX
He doesn’t want it!

TOM
Of course he does! He wants it more than anything!

LEX
No! Think about it, did Tim ever say he wants a Tickle-Me Wiggly!?

TOM
Well, he must’ve! We were trying to win one at Pizza Pete’s, weren’t we? No, he said it this
morning. Why else would I be- I know that he wants it!

LEX
Well, let me tell you something I know. I’ve been working at ToyZone since I was sixteen. I
know what kids are like. When that Wiggly campaign came out, you know how many kids I
got asking about it? None. Think about that line you stood in this morning, did you see a
single kid there?

TOM
It’s a school day.

LEX
It’s Thanksgiving break. The thing about Wiggly that nobody’s talking about is kids don’t
want that piece of shit!

TOM
What?

LEX
They’re all into Fortnite, dude! I mean, my sister, Hannah, couldn’t get further away from
that thing. Yeah, me and Ethan wanted a doll to sell! Whatever spell that doll cast, it doesn’t
work on kids, and I think I know why. Uh, Mr. Houston, I know your wife died and you’re
trying real hard to make up for it… But that’s something you want, not your son. You think
Wiggly can fix this hole, but he can’t! It’s a trick! That’s how he works. He promises to fix
all of the holes, but he doesn’t, and that’s why it works on adults, because you guys have
more holes. You need more things and you need it harder. You gotta worry about your

66
loveless marriage or the kids that are gonna hate you or your endless mortgage. I mean,
you’re, like, 40, you probably think your life is over. I don’t! I’m gonna be an actress! Do you
get what I’m saying, Mr. Houston? Wiggly is a fucking lie, and I think you know it, but I
think you’re scared, because if he’s not the answer, then what is?

(The light fades on LEX and she goes to sit on the steps.)

If I fail You
Tom: What is this thing in my hand?
Doesn’t breathe or understand
The things I went through,
The things Tim went through
For it.
I submit
The Hell I’ve been thinking.
My heart is so empty.
Everyone’s dying
And that includes me too.
I was gone long before you.
If I fail you one more time
The punishment won’t match the crime
‘Cause there’s no pain that could ever explain how I let you down.
And if I fail you one more time
The mountain I would have to climb
Is so high up that I would have to die.
Oh, I.
I failed you once, and I will fail again.
Does he see a father
Who doesn’t even bother
To get to know him,
To really know his soul
And his role?
Maybe he’s happy.
I wouldn’t have any idea.
Maybe the route
Is simply in ending the drought.
Why not find out?
If I fail you one more time
Or if I fail to recognise
What you need or when you need me to be around.
And if I fail to hear your voice
Or if I make the easy choice
The world would tear asunder drowning all.
Oh, I.
I failed you once, and I would fail again.
When I turned nine, we went to the ninety-nine cent store.
I wanted a pop gun that looked they used in the corps.
Knowing my dad, I knew the chance was

67
Slim.
He got me a cheaper dagger
But deep down it didn’t matter.
I was with him.
Where’s Tim?
She used to like bars.
She liked to loosen me up just to get at my heart.
She’d poke at each of my wounds to see what I’d say
And now
She’s doing the same.
And then flash.
And then flash.
If I fail you one more time,
The punishment won’t match the crime
‘Cause there’s no pain that could ever explain how I let you down.
And if I fail you one more time
The mountain I would have to climb
Is so high up that I would have to die.
Oh, I.
I failed you once
But I won’t fail again.
If I Fail You

WIGGLY
No, Tom. Listen to me. Tickle my belly-well. Stay asleep. Stay in Drowsy Town.

TOM
You’re not that cute, are you? In fact, you’re real fucking ugly.

(TOM throws the Wiggly to the back of the stage. LEX comes down the stairs.)

He’s gone, Lex. I think I’m awake. But, your sister and Becky, they took them.

LEX
To Linda. She’s gonna kill them, Mr. Houston.

TOM
No, she won’t. We won’t let her.

(TOM takes the gun from LEX.)

Here, you’re holding that wrong.

(He holds the gun up.)

Alright, let’s go.

LEX
Fuck yeah! Should we move these boxes first?

68
 TOM
Fuck yeah.

(TOM and LEX strike the set.)

Scene 14 – Cult
(WIGGLY’s followers enter from the audience and make their way onstage. They are dragging
HANNAH and BECKY along with them. LINDA stands on the balcony.)

FOLLOWERS
Wiggly Wig, Wiggly Wig, Wiggly Wig, Wiggly Wig, Wiggly Wig, Wiggly Wig, Wiggly
Wig, Wiggly Wig, Wiggly Wig!

LINDA
Yes, Gerald, I’m about to get the doll… Yes, they found the child… No, I’m not going to
put you on speaker, Gerald, no one wants to talk to you.

(LINDA puts the phone down and looks down.)

Yes, bring the heretics to me!

(LINDA laughs and goes down the stairs.)

Becky Barnes! Why am I not surprised? Of course I’d find you here clinging to your
antiquated sense of justice. Protecting this child because you can’t have any of your own?
…Becky! Wake up! Belittling you isn’t fun if you’re not upset. Huh. She’s drunk. Again. The
only man that’ll have her now is… Jack Daniels! Ha! Get her out of my sight… And you,
you little shit. For too long you have kept this shepherd from his flock.

(HANNAH clutches her cap.)

HANNAH
Magic hat! Nothing can hurt me!

(LINDA takes LEX’s hat.)

LINDA
Ha, you little fool! You think this is going to protect you? A magic hat? That’s ridiculous.
Only dolls are magic. And I’ll be taking mine, thank you very much.

(She takes HANNAH’s bag and opens it.)

…What? Is this some kind of a joke? Where is he!? Answer me or I’ll open your mouth with
my fucking knife!

(LEX enters, holding a Wiggly.)

69
 LEX
Hey!

SECURITY GUARD
Prophet, there!

SHOPPER #2
The god!

LEX
Is this what you’re looking for?

HOMELESS GUY
He’s radiant!

MAN IN A HURRY
He’s beautiful!

LINDA
I haven’t changed my mind, little girl, I still want you dead! And I thought your sister was
stupid! Coming into the lions dead, completely outnumbered, with a doll!? You’re a fucking
moron!

(TOM enters, grabs LINDA and holds the gun to her head.)

TOM
And you’ve been out-foxed by a fucking moron.

(The FOLLOWERS gasp.)

Back off, let the kid go!

(The FOLLOWERS let HANNAH go. She runs to LEX.)

SHOPPER #2
The prophet!

HOMELESS GUY
Blasphemer!

LINDA
You have no idea what you’re doing.

LEX
Everyone listen to me! This doll is not your god! It’s not gonna fix your miserable lives!
This cult of comfort is bullshit! If Wiggly is your god, then let him try and stop me from
doing this.

(LEX pulls out a lighter and holds it to Wiggly, not lighting it yet, though.)

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 FOLOWERS
No!

LINDA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(During the scream, LINDA pushes TOM, stomps down the stairs and steals the doll from LEX
before pushing her. The followers gasp.)

Wiggle
Linda: I hear his voice,
I feel his power.
I see his kingdom and his plans laid out for me.
Oh, he’s mine, mine, mine
To follow his orders.
Oh, it’s my, my monument to build.
He will wiggle, wiggle,
Wiggly will wiggle tonight.
Oh.
He will wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
His way into life.
I will wiggle, wiggle,
Wiggle my way to his side
And all will know when darkness comes
Over Wiggly’s kingdom
That I’m the one who wronged what’s right.
My God awaits,
His cyclopean gateway,
Ensemble: He awaits.
Linda: A portal that ushers in all sounds and sights unseen.
Oh, he’s my, my god
To love and to worship
Oh, it’s my, my job to prepare for his birth.
Company: He will wiggle, wiggle,
Wiggly will wiggle tonight.
Oh.
He will wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
His way into life.
I will wiggle, wiggle,
Wiggle my way to his side.
Linda: All the plans he has for you and me,
Me more favourably.
The Earth is looking good and ripe.
Company: We will build a portal just for
Ensemble: When Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes.

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Linda: (Overlapping.) He
Will
Rise
Up with
Joy-
Ful
Noise.
Ensemble: (Overlapping.) When Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when
Wiggly comes,
When Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes,
When Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes.
We will build a portal just for
Linda: (Overlapping.) Turn dust
To ash,
And dust
To ash,
And dust
To ash,
And dust.
Ensemble: (Overlapping.) When Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when
Wiggle comes,
When Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes,
When Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes.
We will build a portal just for
Company: When he comes, he’ll come for us.
When he comes, he’ll
Come immortal
Through the portal!
Linda: Ah!
Company: Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Jam!
(DANCE BREAK.)
He will wiggle, wiggle,
Wiggly will wiggle tonight!
Oh!
He will wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
His way into life!
O-O-Oh!
Linda: (Overlapping.) I will wiggle, wiggle, wiggly my way to his side.
All the wills that he will have to bend
Ensemble: (Overlapping.) When Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when
Wiggly comes,
When Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes.
Oh-oh!
Linda: Oh, when he ascends.
Company: The best of all fwendy-wends!

72
We will build a portal just for-
We will build a portal just for-
We will build a portal just for
When he comes.
Wiggle

(BECKY appears on the balcony, pointing a gun and LINDA and Wiggly.)

BECKY
Hey!

(LINDA laughs.)

LINDA
Becky Barnes, you pathetic worm! You think you can stop the birth of a god? You couldn’t
even stand up to your disgusting husband. Look at you, you’re paralysed with fear!

BECKY
No, I’m just lining up my shot.

(BECKY shoots LINDA and she dies instantly. All of the FOLLOWERS catch and surround her.)

SECURITY GUARD
The prophet!

HOMELESS GUY
Oh, mother!

(Suddenly, GARY pulls out his pone, starts typing and puts it to his ear.)

GARY
Gerald? Hey, it’s Gary… Yep, we gotta talk about the will. Goldstein!

(GARY carries LINDA off and the other FOLLOWERS cry. TOM, HANNAH and LEX enter.
BECKY comes down the stairs.)

BECKY
Tom, are you alright? Girls?

TOM
Alright, let’s get the hell out of here.

(Before they can leave, LEX grabs the Wiggly on the floor that LINDA dropped. She approaches the
FOLLOWERS.)

LEX
You have two choices: Abandon your god or burn here with him.

(LEX pulls out the lighter and sets fire to Wiggly. The followers shout. LEX drops the Wiggly.)

73
 SHOPPER #2
No!

MAN IN A HURRY
No! He’s burning!

(LEX, HANNAH, TOM and BECKY exit. HOMLESS GUY grabs the Wiggly.)

HOMELESS GUY
I am the Wiggly! I am the prophet now!

SHOPPER #3
I’ll kill you!

SECURITY GUARD
No! I am now! Wiggly belongs to me!

(They all start burning as the flames get larger. They scream.)

Scene 15 – Outside
(TOM, BECKY, LEX and HANNAH are stood ‘outside’ on the balcony.)

TOM
The fire, it spread so fast.

BECKY
The whole mall’s coming down.

LEX
Good.

(We hear a car horn. EMMA and PAUL enter on the balcony.)

EMMA
Tom!? Tom, oh my god! You’re alive!

TOM
Emma, Pat!

PAUL
Paul.

TOM
Uh-huh. What are you guys doing here? Where’s Tim?

EMMA
He’s in the car, he’s fine.

74
 PAUL
We saw what happened to Lakeside on the news.

EMMA
Yeah, and it’s not just Hatchetfield, the whole world has gone crazy.

PAUL
Somebody nuked Moscow! The news was saying it might be World War III… Until the
news went out.

EMMA
We were sure you were gone. We were gonna take Tim, get out of town but he wouldn’t let
us. All he wanted was you.

TOM
Emma, I’ve been avoiding it for too long but I think it’s time we finally sit down as a family
and talk about Jane.

(TOM puts his hand on EMMA’s shoulder. She smiles at him. PAUL puts his hand on EMMA’s
other shoulder.)

PAUL
That sounds great, Tom. Let’s talk on the move.

BECKY
Well, where can we go? Is any place safe?

EMMA
You know, I have this kooky, reclusive biology professor, he lives on the edge of town. His
whole house is like a panic room. We could go there.

TOM
That’s a great idea, Emma.

PAUL
Well, I hope he doesn’t mind us showing up unannounced. We can’t call him, the phones
stopped working. I don’t even know what time it is! What am I supposed to do without my
IPhone?

HANNAH
Wear a watch?

TOM
It’s 11:57. Black Friday’s almost over.

(HANNAH begins to look off in the distance, concerned.)

I feel like if we can survive today, we can survive anything.

75
What If Tomorrow Comes?
(HANNAH makes her way down the stairs while singing. The others follow her.)
Hannah: Do you all see what I see?
What I know?
What I see?
Do you all see the memories
Tomorrow
Reminds me?
Tomorrow will come,
Tomorrow won’t come
Tomorrow come today.
Tomorrow will come
Tomorrow won’t come.
Will tomorrow come today
And turn the light off?
Do you all see what I see?
What I know?
What I see?
Do you all see the memories
Tomorrow
Reminds me?
Tomorrow will come.
Tomorrow won’t come.
Tomorrow come today.
Tomorrow will come.
Tomorrow won’t come.
Will tomorrow come today
And turn the light off.
(The ENSEMBLE enter.)
What if tomorrow comes
To break the dawn
And take the night
Away?
What if tomorrow-
What if tomorrow comes
To break the dawn
And there’s no one
To stay?
What is tomorrow?
Becky: What if tomorrow?
Tom + Paul + Emma: What if tomorrow?
Emma: Tomorrow comes
To break
Tom: What if tomorrow comes?
Emma: The dawn?
Paul: What if tomorrow comes?
The dawn.
Lex: What if?

76
Main characters: What if tomorrow comes?
Company: What if tomorrow comes
Higher ensemble: To break
Company: And take the night
Away?
What if tomorrow?
Lower ensemble: (Overlapping.) What if
Tomorrow comes
To break the dawn
Away?
Higher ensemble: (Overlapping.) What if tomorrow comes
To break
And there’s no one
To stay?
Company: What if tomorrow?
What if
Tomorrow comes
And takes the night
Away?
Lower ensemble: (Under.) What if tomorrow comes?
Tune ensemble: (Overlapping.) What if tomorrow comes
To break the dawn
And take the night
Away?
Higher ensemble: (Overlapping.) To
Break…
At all..?
Lower ensemble: (Overlapping, a beat behind tune.) What if tomorrow
To break the dawn
And take the night
The night away?
Tune ensemble: What if tomorrow comes?
(Overlapping.) What if tomorrow comes
To break the dawn
And take the night
Away?
Higher ensemble: (Overlapping.) To
Break…
At all..?
Lower ensemble: (Overlapping, a beat behind tune.) What if tomorrow
To break the dawn
And take the night
The night away?
Higher ensemble: Away?
Company: What if tomorrow?
(The MAIN CHARACTERS gather in the centre, stood on top of some boxes. The
ENSEMBLE surround them. TOM holds his watch out.)
Tom: Here we go…

77
Becky: Fifteen seconds left.
Lex: Nine.
Emma: Seven.
Paul: Five.
Becky: Three.
Tom: Two.
Hannah: What if tomorrow?
(We hear a loud aeroplane flying overhead and everybody looks up. There is an
explosion and the lights go out.)
What If Tomorrow Comes?

Bows
EVERYBODY stands in a straight line alone the front as the Tickle-Me Wiggly Jingle
instrumental plays, everybody takes two individual bows each going stage right, stage left,
stage right, stage left. For example, the ensemble member who played SHOPPER #2 and
HOWARD would bow first, nearest to stage right wings, then the ensemble member who
played ETHAN, SHOPPER #3, CHRIS and PEIP AGENT #1 would bow, closest to stage
left wing, then the person playing MAN IN A HURRY and GENERAL MCNAMARA,
then the person playing SHERMAN and NOEL, etc. The leads (TOM, LEX, LINDA,
HOWARD, HANNAH, BECKY, SHERMAN, WILEY and ETHAN) take a step forward
and bow together after this. The ENSEMBLE bow behind them. EVERYBODY exits.

78