Who's On First?
Anna Grace: Well Gillie, I'm going to New York with you. You know Joe Girardi, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as
coach for as long as you're on the team.
Gillie: Look Anna Grace, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.
Anna Grace: I certainly do.
Gillie: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on
the team.
Anna Grace: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very
peculiar names.
Gillie: You mean funny names?
Anna Grace: Strange names, pet names...like Big Papi, Big Puma, The Flyin' Hawaiian, Zorilla ...
Gillie: Oh yeah, like the Big Donkey or El Caballo.
Anna Grace: That’s right. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on
third...
Gillie: That's what I want to find out.
Anna Grace: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Gillie: Are you the manager?
Anna Grace: Yes.
Gillie: You gonna be the coach too?
Anna Grace: Yes.
Gillie: And you don't know the fellows' names?
Anna Grace: Well I should.
Gillie: Well then who's on first?
Anna Grace: Yes.
Gillie: I mean the fellow's name.
Anna Grace: Who.
Gillie: The guy on first.
Anna Grace: Who.
Gillie: The first baseman.
Anna Grace: Who.
Gillie: The guy playing...
Anna Grace: Who is on first!
Gillie: I'm asking YOU who's on first.
Anna Grace: That's the man's name.
Gillie: That's who's name?
Anna Grace: Yes.
Gillie: Well go ahead and tell me.
Anna Grace: That's it.
Gillie: That's who?
Anna Grace: Yes.
PAUSE (Gillie frustrated and trying a different tactic)
Gillie: Look, you gotta first baseman?
Anna Grace: Certainly.
Gillie: Who's playing first?
Anna Grace: That's right.
Gillie: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Anna Grace: Every dollar of it.
Gillie: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
Anna Grace: Who.
Gillie: The guy that gets...
Anna Grace: That's it.
Gillie: Who gets the money...
Anna Grace: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Gillie: Who's wife?
Anna Grace: Yes.
PAUSE (Gillie more frustrated )
Anna Grace: What's wrong with that?
Gillie: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?
Anna Grace: Who.
Gillie: The guy.
Anna Grace: Who.
Gillie: How does he sign...
Anna Grace: That's how he signs it.
Gillie: Who?
Anna Grace: Yes.
PAUSE (Gillie REALLY frustrated and trying a different tactic)
Gillie: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
Anna Grace: No. What is on second base.
Gillie: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Anna Grace: Who's on first.
Gillie: One base at a time!
Anna Grace: Well, don't change the players around.
Gillie: I'm not changing nobody!
Anna Grace: Take it easy, buddy.
Gillie: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
Anna Grace: That's right.
Gillie: Ok.
Anna Grace: All right.
PAUSE (Giliie about to explode but struggling to remain calm)
Gillie: What's the guy's name on first base?
Anna Grace: No. What is on second.
Gillie: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Anna Grace: Who's on first.
Gillie: I don't know.
Anna Grace: He's on third, we're not talking about him.
Gillie: Now how did I get on third base?
Anna Grace: Why you mentioned his name.
Gillie: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Anna Grace: No. Who's playing first.
Gillie: What's on first?
Anna Grace: What's on second.
Gillie: I don't know.
Anna Grace: He's on third.
Gillie: There I go, back on third again!
PAUSE
Gillie: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
Anna Grace: All right, what do you want to know?
Gillie: Now who's playing third base?
Anna Grace: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Gillie: What am I putting on third.
Anna Grace: No. What is on second.
Gillie: You don't want who on second?
Anna Grace: Who is on first.
Gillie: I don't know.
Anna Grace & Gillie Together:Third base!
PAUSE
Gillie: Look, you gotta outfield?
Anna Grace: Sure.
Gillie: The left fielder's name?
Anna Grace: Why.
Gillie: I just thought I'd ask you.
Anna Grace: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Gillie: Then tell me who's playing left field.
Anna Grace: Who's playing first.
Gillie: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?
Anna Grace: No, What is on second.
Gillie: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Anna Grace: Who's on first!
Gillie: I don't know.
Anna Grace & Gillie Together: Third base!
PAUSE
Gillie: The left fielder's name?
Anna Grace: Why.
Gillie: Because!
Anna Grace: Oh, he's centerfield.
PAUSE
Gillie: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?
Anna Grace: Sure.
Gillie: The pitcher's name?
Anna Grace: Tomorrow.
Gillie: You don't want to tell me today?
Anna Grace: I'm telling you now.
Gillie: Then go ahead.
Anna Grace: Tomorrow!
Gillie: What time?
Anna Grace: What time what?
Gillie: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Anna Grace: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
Gillie: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?
Anna Grace: What's on second.
Gillie: I don't know.
Anna Grace & Gillie Together: Third base!
PAUSE
Gillie: Gotta a catcher?
Anna Grace: Certainly.
Gillie: The catcher's name?
Anna Grace: Today.
Gillie: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.
Anna Grace: Now you've got it.
Gillie: All we got is a couple of days on the team.
PAUSE
Gillie: You know I'm a catcher too.
Anna Grace: So they tell me.
Gillie: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.
Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at
first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Anna Grace: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Gillie: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
PAUSE
Anna Grace: That's all you have to do.
Gillie: Is to throw the ball to first base.
Anna Grace: Yes!
Gillie: Now who's got it?
Anna Grace: Naturally.
PAUSE
Gillie: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?
Anna Grace: Naturally.
Gillie: Who?
Anna Grace: Naturally.
Gillie: Naturally?
Anna Grace: Naturally.
Gillie: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Anna Grace: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.
Gillie: Naturally.
Anna Grace: That's different.
Gillie: That's what I said.
Anna Grace: You're not saying it...
Gillie: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Anna Grace: You throw it to Who.
Gillie: Naturally.
Anna Grace: That's it.
Gillie: That's what I said!
Anna Grace: You ask me.
Gillie: I throw the ball to who?
Anna Grace: Naturally.
Gillie: Now you ask me.
Anna Grace: You throw the ball to Who?
Gillie: Naturally.
Anna Grace: That's it.
Gillie: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who
picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple
play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!
Anna Grace: What?
Gillie: I said I don't give a darn!
Anna Grace: Oh, that's our shortstop.
