CONTENTS

Introduction:....................................................................2
Step One, Part One—the Allergy of the Body:.................4
Step One, Part One—Developing a Plan of Eating:.........7
Step One, Part Two—the Obsession of the Mind:.........11
Step Two:.......................................................................15
Step Three:....................................................................20
Step Four:......................................................................25
Step Four—Resentments:..............................................26
Resentments Continued:................................................32
Step Four—Fears:..........................................................37
Step Four—Sex Conduct:..............................................39
Step Four: Conclusion:...................................................41
Steps Five, Six, and Seven in one day!...........................42
Step Five:.......................................................................42
Step Six:.........................................................................45
Step Seven:....................................................................45
Steps Eight and Nine:....................................................47
Steps Ten and Eleven—Introduction:............................54
Step Ten:........................................................................54
Step Eleven:...................................................................57
Step Twelve—Introduction:...........................................61
Step Twelve Continued:.................................................66
The Twelve Provocations:..............................................69
Questions and responses:..............................................72
Conclusion:....................................................................78
Appendices........................................................79

1
 Introduction: The Big Book
The following is an adaptation of a Step Study I did OA stands for the proposition that the Twelve Steps
online in the summer and early fall of 2005. give us freedom from the bondage of food. If the
steps aren’t working for you, then maybe you’re not
I’ve been in OA since February 11, 1986. I started working the steps in a way that works for you. It
working the steps and lost weight, then relapsed, might therefore be worth it to try the approach to the
then lost weight, then relapsed. steps used in this step study, based on the Big Book.
Finally someone in the rooms confronted me (I’ll talk The Big Book was written as a set of directions for
more about that in Step 12) and I discovered a meth- doing the steps. It was aimed at those people who
od of working the steps that has worked for me. I would not be able to meet anyone from AA, because
became abstinent, worked the steps, and achieved at the time it was published AA was centered in New
the miracle of being freed from the foods that used York City, and Akron and Cleveland, Ohio. So the Big
to beckon to me, being able to be around them, Book was written as a do-it-yourself manual. As such
without wanting them. That has been true for me it is a textbook––a book which contains valuable
since about May 1, 1993. information to compulsive eaters.
It took me about a year, as I look back, to achieve a It’s not a perfect book, that’s for sure. It was written
healthy body weight, and I’ve maintained that body by Christian male alcoholics who had found them-
weight since that time. In March, 2005, I began to selves in the gutter and had done a lot of harm to
lose more weight for reasons I’ll talk about later. other people. It needs to be interpreted and applied
for people who did not have their exact same experi-
This Step Study ence, and it sometimes needs to be clarified because
of its 1930s language. But besides its being a great
Those of you familiar with the well-known AA team of inspirational and loving book, it is one of the greatest
Joe and Charlie will recognize much of what I say textbooks ever written, and I hope you’ll join me in
here, although I base this study on my own experi- the study of its directions!
ence, of course.
The basic outline of the Big Book’s discussion of the
Virtually all of this step study is based on what I have Steps is as follows:
learned from the great AA speakers, Joe and Charlie,
Roger, and Blaine D. from Winnipeg, Canada, and a
lot of reading of AA history and experience. I don’t To help you in this Step Study, it would be useful for you
think much of what I have to say is particularly to download certain documents and forms, including Step
original. I therefore want to acknowledge the teach- Four forms, used in weekend Big Book Studies done for
ings of AA and of those who have given their time and many OA intergroups. They’re also reproduced in this
effort and experience to convey the message of study.
recovery to those who still suffer.
You’re welcome to download them and distribute them
however you want. The Step Four forms and the Step
Copyright © 2006-2018 by Joseph Securities Ltd. Copyright has been transferred Eleven form were drawn up by an AA Big Book thumper in
to a corporation for the sake of anonymity. Winnipeg, Canada, named Blaine, and OA owes him a debt
This version is dated Friday, February 8, 2019. of gratitude for allowing these forms to be used. They’ve
been used by thousands of people with great success! The
Because this represents a merging of the teachings of many Big
forms have been slightly modified from Blaine’s originals
Book thumpers, including the AA speakers Charlie, the two
Joes, Blaine, and Roger, it’s not original. I’ve simply put togeth- with his permission. Howard W. of Minneapolis has refor-
er the thoughts of others from an Overeaters Anonymous matted the Step 4 and Steps 8 & 9 forms to allow them to
perspective. The text is copyrighted only to make certain that be filled in on your computer using a PDF reader like
it remains unchanged––not to prevent its use. Adobe or PDF-Xchange..
Therefore reproduction of this book is permitted if the text and this Included among the documents is also a Step Four Out-
note remain unchanged and copies are sold at cost (fund-raising by line, which summarizes a lot of the concepts you’ll find
OA Groups alone is acceptable); as well, “OA” or “Overeaters discussed in this study.
Anonymous” or the name of the author should not appear on any
title page. As well, the title given should reflect that it is a personal Go to
interpretation of the Big Book’s directions for compulsive eaters.
www.oabigbook.info
This is a work constantly in progress. Criticisms, suggestions,
disagreements, comments are very welcome. Contact the to download all the forms and get the latest version of
author by going to www.oaabigbook.info, clicking on the top this Step Study. This book contains many of those forms
image, and then clicking on “here” in the sentence: “Com- as well.
ments? Questions? You can send an e-mail here.” 2
· Step One: “The Doctor’s Opinion”, part of
Chapter One, “Bill’s Story”, most of Chapter The Twelve Provocations
Two, “There Is A Solution”, and Chapter
Three, “More About Alcoholism”.
As I’ve been taught, the Big Book stands for the
following concepts. Each one of them is contro-
· Step Two: part of Chapter One, “Bill’s versial in some OA groups. They are simply
Story”, part of Chapter Two, “There Is A
Solution”, Chapter Four, “We Agnostics”.
intended to create some interest in what fol-
lows. They are not intended to be offensive,
· Step Three: part of Chapter Five, “How It however.
Works”.
· Step Four: part of Chapter Five, “How It
1. I am a recovered compulsive eater, not a
Works”. recovering one.
· Steps Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, and 2. Abstinence is not the most important thing
Eleven: Chapter Six, “Into Action”. in my life without exception; the conscious-
· Step Twelve: Chapter Seven, “Working ness of the presence of God is.
With Others”, and part of Chapter Eleven,
3. Although a sponsor, if available, is very
“A Vision For You”. Chapters Eight,”To The
Wives”, Nine, “The Family Afterward”, and important for recovery, a sponsor is not neces-
Ten, “To Employers”, can also be read as sary to recover.
containing discussions of Step Twelve, but
I won’t be dealing with them in any great 4. You can recover in weeks.
detail. 5. The Tools of Recovery are not an essential
A much more detailed outline of the Big Book is part of the OA program.
found in A Schematic Outline of the Big Book as found
at www.oabigbook.info or in the Appendix to this 6. You don’t take Steps One and Two.
book..
7. Steps Three, Six, Seven, and Eight, should
not take a long time to get through
Questions
8. You don’t make amends to yourself.
The questions at the end of each chapter in this Big
Book Study were part of the format of the original 9. You cannot carry the message until after you
online Step Study on which this book is based. have completed Step Nine.
I hope they’re useful questions. They are not 10. Service is not slimming.
intended, however, to be substitutes for actually
doing the steps. Doing the steps is what the rest of 11. Food can be discussed at meetings.
this step study is all about!
12. Every person who wants to be a member of
OA should know exactly what having “a desire
to stop eating compulsively” means.

Why use the Big Book directions? These “provocations” are explained fully, begin-
ning at page 69.
If the way you work the steps has given
you the recovery described by the Big
Book, then why would you switch?

If, however, you are not free from the

bondage of food, if food at times becomes
attractive to you, if you’re really white-
knuckling it, then why not try the Big Book
directions? They’re guaranteed!

3
 My Problem:
Step One, Part One—the The Physical Allergy:
Allergy of the Body: An allergy is an abnormal physical reac-
The Big Book’s approach to Step One is what Dr. tion to something. In my case, it’s my
William Silkworth, the doctor who wrote the two
binge foods and my binge eating behav-
letters found in The Doctor’s Opinion, called “the
double whammy”. iors. Once I start eating my binge food
or indulging in my binge eating behav-
Put simply, we have (1) an abnormality of the body (he
called it an “allergy of the body”) which means that
iors, I find it almost impossible to stop
once we start eating certain kinds of foods or eating it.
indulging in certain compulsive eating behaviors we
develop cravings which overpower us; and we have The Mental Obsession:
(2) an abnormality of the mind (he called it a “mental
obsession”) which means that even if we stop eating An obsession is an idea which takes
those foods or indulging in those behaviors, our control over all other ideas. In my case,
mind persuades us that we can return to eating if I’ve stopped eating my binge foods or
those foods and indulging in those behaviors.
indulging in my binge eating behaviors,
Thus we can’t stop once we start (the allergy that my mental obsession gives me reasons
creates cravings), and we can’t stop from starting
to go back to eat the binge foods or
again (the obsession that sends us back). We are
thus in a vicious circle. That is the explanation for indulge in my binge eating behaviors.
yo-yo dieting, and for all the despair that we bring
to OA when we join. My problem in a nutshell––the ad-
It’s often said that alcoholics can stop drinking but dict’s dilemma:
OAers can’t stop eating. From the Big Book
perspective, that isn’t correct. Alcoholics have to I can’t stop once I’ve started. And I
drink, but they can’t drink alcohol. OAers have to can’t stop from starting again.
eat, but they can’t eat the foods or indulge in the
eating behaviors that create the cravings.
In this statement he confirms what we
The main difference between the member of AA and
have suffered alcoholic torture MUST
the member of OA is that everyone in AA knows that believe—that the body of the alcoholic is
alcohol is the ingredient that AAers can’t drink, quite as abnormal as his mind. In our
whereas in OA different people may have different belief, any picture of the alcoholic which
foods they can’t eat and different eating behaviors leaves out this physical factor is
they can’t indulge in. Part of the job of Step One is INCOMPLETE.
for each individual to figure that out for him- or
herself. On pages xxviii to xxix of the 4th edition (xxvi to
xxvii 3rd edition), Dr. Silkworth talks about the
Please read The Doctor’s Opinion. It’s found just allergy:
before page one in the book, although different
editions have different page numbers. I ask you The action of alcohol on these chronic
specifically to note the following. alcoholics is a manifestation [symptom]
of an allergy; [and the allergy is a]
On page xxvi of the 4th edition (xxiv of the 3rd phenomenon of craving [which] is
edition), the writers of the Big Book emphasize limited to this class and never occurs in
what they see in Dr. Silkworth’s long letter that is the average temperate drinker. These
important for AA. allergic types can never safely use
alcohol in any form at all. Men and
women drink essentially because they
When I quote from the Big Book and omit some like the effect produced by alcohol. The
words, I don’t put in the usual dots like . . . sensation is so elusive that, while they
I think it’ll be easier to follow. I also capitalize admit it is injurious, they cannot after a
important words for emphasis. time differentiate the true from the false.
I urge you to read the original; don’t take my word
for it that I’ve quoted fairly!

4
 To them their alcoholic life seems the Meanwhile my mind is saying to itself, “I’ve got to
only normal one. They are restless, stop, I’ve just got to stop. If I eat any more, I’ll burst.
irritable and discontented, unless they If I get any fatter, I’ll have to get new clothes. I’m
can again experience the sense of ease already too fat. I just have to stop! Why can’t I
and comfort which comes at once by stop? I’m at risk for diabetes and heart attack and
taking a few drinks, [which then high blood pressure. I just have to stop!”
develops] the phenomenon of craving.
And the hand keeps bringing more food to my
On page xxx in the 4th edition (xxviii 3rd edition), mouth.
Dr. Silkworth describes a spectrum of alcoholic
types, ranging from the psychopath through to the Does that ring a bell? You want so desperately to
manic depressive through to a person perfectly stop but you can’t. I did have all the reasons in the
normal in all other respects. He says that their only world to stop but I couldn’t. The hand kept moving
“symptom in common [is that] they cannot start until there was nothing left.
drinking without developing the phenomenon of Second example:
craving.”
This one involves a goose skin.

The phenomenon of craving: I’m Jewish (but an agnostic, which I’ll talk about
when we get to Step Two), and one of our great
What is this phenomenon of craving? celebration holidays is Chanukah, the Festival of
Lights, which is held around Christmas-time. It
A phenomenon is an unexplained occurrence. It is
could easily be called the Festival of Grease, because
something that happens for which we don’t have a
the food we traditionally ate on Chanukah was very
clear explanation. We can describe it. We just don’t
greasy.
know why it happens.
My mother had cooked a goose, as well as deep-
The phenomenon of craving is a craving that can’t
fried pancakes over which we put the goose gravy.
be explained. It just happens. There may be biolog-
(Not that there really is goose gravy; it’s just the fat
ical reasons for the craving, and we know that
of the goose that has dripped into the pan.) I don’t
there’s a lot of research on why some people
remember the dessert we had, but I’m sure it was
become binge-eaters. But the concept of the
extremely rich. I was loaded to the gills after the
phenomenon of craving puts the emphasis not on
meal—just packed. The ten or fifteen people who
explaining it, but on making it obvious and powerful.
were at the dinner went into the living room, just
What “the phenomenon of craving” describes is an around the corner from the kitchen.
overpowering urge for more and more.
I went to the kitchen to get a diet drink (I’ve always
I can talk about myself in this connection. And the loved that!) and I saw the goose carcass on the
best way is simply to tell those parts of my story that cutting board with the goose skin hanging on the
illustrate the phenomenon of craving. In that way carcass. A goose is so fat that the skin just slips off.
you can discover similarities. There will be differ-
Even though I was completely stuffed, I remember
ences—the foods and eating behaviors that cause
thinking to myself, “Well, I can’t eat a lot, but I love
my cravings may not be the ones that cause yours.
the taste of goose skin, and we don’t have it that
But if you’re a member, or a prospective member, of
often, so I’ll just take a bite.”
OA, I’ll bet you’ve had the same symptoms!
So I picked up the entire skin and took a small bite
First example:
from it. It was still very hot from the oven. But the
This is really virtually all my stories. skin is very tough and I couldn’t just take off a bit,
so I put a bit more into my mouth to find a weak
My hand has food; maybe my hand is holding a fork
spot.
or a spoon with food, or maybe it’s just holding the
food itself. The food could be buttered popcorn or I blank out a bit here, but I remember suddenly
potato chips or ice cream or french fries. My hand realizing that I had the entire goose skin in my
is coming to my mouth and putting the food in my mouth and was chewing it frantically, because it was
mouth, and going back and getting more food and burning the inside of my mouth. Fat was spurting
putting more food in my mouth, and that just keeps out between my lips. My cheeks were bulging. I
on going. kept on chewing until all the fat was gone from the
skin, and then I swallowed the skin whole.

5
 once he starts to drink” (page 21). This is the allergy
of the body—the lack of control once the substance
Third example:
is taken into the body—the phenomenon of craving.
This one involves a greasy spoon in Minneapolis,
Notice how different this is from the conventional
sometime in probably March 1962 or 1963. It was
and perhaps medical definition of an addict, where
about 6 in the morning. I had just come off an
quantity–overindulgence–is the defining character-
overnight train ride and had a two-hour wait for a
istic. The Big Book clearly says that quantity is not
bus to go to my college south of Minneapolis. I
the defining characteristic. The defining character-
started to wander down Hennepin Avenue, which
istic, it says, is at the very least the inability to stop
was pretty grimy in those days.
once the indulgence begins. Compulsive overeaters
I passed a greasy spoon that advertised a 39 cent or alcoholics might be able to limit their number of
breakfast with sausages and bacon, so I went in. It binges or even the quantities they consume.
was packed with people who had clearly been up all
The real question is whether they get the phenom-
night, hacking and coughing. I squeezed onto a
enon of craving once they start.
stool at the counter and got my greasy meal and
started to eat it. This explains why some diets and some diet
programs work for others, but not for people like
Suddenly the man on my right vomited into his
us. They are not compulsive eaters—at least the
plate, and then fainted, and his head dropped right
way the Big Book defines it. Diets “give back” binge
into the plate.
foods in moderation after the weight is lost. Many
Here is the question which might separate a people can eat those binge foods in moderation.
compulsive eater from a normal eater: What would But we can’t–we get the phenomenon of craving.
a normal eater do and what did I do?
There is another aspect That is the mental obses-
Yes, I turned my back on the man and continued to sion, and the Big Book spends a lot of time
eat. discussing the mental obsession. But now that
we’ve discussed the phenomenon of craving, it’s
Summary:
time to abstain from those foods and eating behav-
It is perfectly obvious that I react very differently iors that cause our craving.
than normal eaters.
I can’t stop once I’ve started. Normal eaters stop Questions:
when they’re full; normal eaters stop eating when
something happens that’s nauseating; even when Here are some questions:
normal eaters overeat, the next day they don’t eat a · What are my stories of overeating? Do I
lot. At one point or another they get unease or have the equivalent of a gallon of ice-
discomfort when they overeat, and their body basi- cream, or a goose skin, a huge bag of
cally tells them to stop. potato chips, the whole container of
I get that feeling with alcohol. I can’t drink more cookies, or eating at times or in ways that
than a glass and half of wine or beer (I don’t like normal people wouldn’t eat?
liquor) before I get this feeling of having had · Have I experienced times when no matter
enough. I don’t like that feeling, so I stop. Alco- how great my desire, I couldn’t stop eating?
holics don’t feel that way when they drink. And I
don’t feel that way when I overeat. · Are there certain foods that once I start
eating, I find it almost impossible to stop
The Big Book begins to define the alcoholic to eating, until there’s no more?
whom it is addressed in Chapter Two, There is a
Solution, on pages 20 to 24. · Are there certain foods that I can’t imagine
ever giving up for good?
There the Big Book discusses the moderate and the
hard drinkers, both of whom can give up alcohol if · Are there any patterns in my overeating?
there is a good reason, and contrasts them with the Are there certain times of the day, or
real alcoholic. The real alcoholic is different. The certain kinds of situations, in which I find
real alcoholic can be either a moderate or a hard that I can’t stop eating?
drinker, “but at some stage of his drinking career he
begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption,

6
 cravings. I can put some jam on my toast and don’t
Step One, Part One—Devel- get cravings, but I know people in this program who
oping a Plan of Eating: can’t touch it at all.

In the last chapter I described the phenomenon of In my discussions with other OAers from all over the
craving—what Dr. Silkworth describes in the Big world, I’ve come to the conclusion that, although
Book as an “allergy” of the body. This is the first there’s an awful lot of overlap in our binge foods, in
part of Step One. the rooms of OA there are people who can eat
everything that I can’t eat, and that I can eat every-
Allergy doesn’t mean a cough or a runny noise or a thing that some people in OA can’t eat at all. The
rash; it means simply an abnormal physical reaction Dignity of Choice makes this very clear—our plan of
to a physical substance. The allergy of the body we eating is an individual plan.
get when we overeat is the “phenomenon of
craving”. A phenomenon is an occurrence for which So how do we identify what causes our cravings? I
there is no explanation. We get cravings that we can only tell you what I have done, and what people
can’t explain. But the essence of the cravings is that I’ve discussed this with have done. You have to
we simply cannot stop. Our body is telling us to eat, figure it for yourself.
and we can’t stop eating, just as we can’t stop
breathing or blinking our eyes––we may be able to 1. Abstain from individual binge
suspend our breathing or blinking temporarily, but
we simply can’t stop. foods.
The topic of this chapter comes from Dr. Silkworth I started by asking myself a simple question: What
in The Doctor’s Opinion. He says: “Of course an are the foods that I consistently overeat when I have
alcoholic ought to be freed from his physical craving the chance to eat them? What are the foods that I
for liquor”. The Big Book takes sobriety for granted. hunch over, hoarding, eating incessantly, blissing
out?
No one attends AA thinking that he or she is going
to continue drinking while working the steps. You The answers were clear for me: buttered popcorn,
stop drinking. You do anything to stop drinking, potato chips, shortbread, cheesecake, ice cream,
even if it means going to three or four meetings a deep-fried foods in general but in particular fried
day. And you work the steps. chicken (especially the skin), fatty meats (beef ribs
and pork ribs and sausages and bacon), dough-
What about us in OA? Is that OA’s message—that nuts—and many other similar kinds of foods.
we stop compulsive eating, do anything to stop
eating compulsively (even if means going to as many Clearly any food that I couldn’t stop eating when I
meetings as we can, and phoning as many people as started was a food that caused cravings. I had to
we can, and reading as much literature as we can), eliminate those.
and work the steps? It should be.
We have to stop our craving, and the only way to 2. Abstain from individual binge
stop the craving is to stop eating foods that cause ingredients.
our craving. (We also have to stop the eating behav-
iors that cause our cravings, and I discuss that But I went further than that. I asked myself whether
there was a common ingredient in those foods, and
below.) Our Dignity of Choice pamphlet makes that
perfectly clear. if so, whether the presence of that common ingre-
dient seemed to be a problem for me in general.
So how do we go about it? Sure, it’s easier for an
alcoholic to identify the substance that causes the The answer was obvious—fat. I seemed to overeat
allergy. For the alcoholic, it’s alcohol in any form— almost anything that was high in fat content. It was
whether in beer or wine or liquor or liqueur. But for usually fat mixed with salt or fat mixed with sugar.
the compulsive eater, Dignity of Choice says, and my All fats had such a huge effect on me, but I realized
experience confirms, that we can all differ in the as well that high-fat dairy products, like butter,
kinds of substances that cause cravings for us. were especially powerful for me.
Was sugar a problem for me? Well, I had eliminated
For example, I can’t eat butter in any form before I
most sugars from my eating—other than those with
start craving it. But I know people in this program
high fat content—years before I began to analyze
who can eat a pat or two of butter and don’t get
my cravings. I just didn’t eat foods that were sweet

7
but not fat, like pop or some kinds of desserts. Very I had a blinding flash of the obvious as I sat in my
sweet foods actually gave me a headache. So I dentist’s chair having my third or fourth or fifth
didn’t include sugar in my list. Fat was clearly the crown put onto teeth that I had worn down or
culprit for me. broken by chewing on bones and other things. My
biggest eating behavior was simply chewing,
I therefore developed a plan of eating that elimi-
keeping my mouth busy, constantly seeking oral
nated foods with high fat content, and eliminated all
gratification!
high-fat dairy products in particular. I would not
have a meal with a fat content higher than 10% of I realized that while I had adopted a plan of eating
calories through fat. That meant I would have no that eliminated high fats, I was constantly chewing.
deep-fried foods at all, and no snacks that contained Where I used to chew buttered popcorn, I was now
a significant amount of fat (all potato chips, whether chewing carrots and celery and gum and hot-air
baked or not). I would examine content labels popcorn. I was keeping my mouth busy—just as a
carefully for hidden fat content. popular weight-loss program used to tell me was
necessary in order to keep from eating other foods.
If given a choice between a food that had no fat and
one that had even a little fat, I would choose the What I discovered in my analysis was that my
non-fat one (1% versus skim milk; spaghetti sauces constant chewing kept my mouth wanting to chew
with a little olive oil versus with no oil). I would trim more. At my mealtimes I was eating for the sake of
all visible fats away from meat. I would not eat fatty chewing. Sure, it wasn’t high fat foods, but it was
meats. I would not eat any desserts and would have food that contained calories of some sort. I was
fruits instead. taking in too much food.
I did that. It was hard work, but I did it. I also I remembered the time years before when I first
worked the steps, and just as promised at Step 9 in joined OA and my plan of eating was so simple—
the Big Book, I was freed from my wish to eat all the three meals a day, nothing in between, a day at a
foods that I had eliminated. I had recovered from time. I lost a lot of weight on that plan.
compulsive eating! I could be around ice cream and
This was before I discovered the notion of the
not want it. That was a miracle. I was freed from
allergy of the body, so as soon as I lost that weight
the obsession. (I’ll talk more about the obsession
I took back a lot of foods I had eliminated, like ice
next chapter. It’s the second part of Step One.)
cream and buttered popcorn and deep-fried foods,
But after a number of months I hadn’t lost much convinced at that time that my only problem was
weight. I was clearly taking in too much food, even quantities. That is, of course, what almost all diets
though it was much healthier food than it was tell us. They tell us that once we lose the weight,
before. we can eat everything—so long as we eat in moder-
ation! But what’s moderation to me once my allergy
I discussed this with my sponsor. I felt that Step
kicks in? It’s impossible! Once I started eating ice
Twelve required me to carry the message of
cream, I couldn’t stop!
recovery through the Twelve Steps. How could I
carry that message if I wasn’t at a healthy body One element of 3-0-1 clearly did work for me—and
weight? I felt I couldn’t—I felt that I was missing that was not eating between meals. That did some-
something. thing for me, I began to realize, that I wasn’t doing
this time. Eliminating any chewing or sucking
between meals kept me from craving that oral grat-
3. Abstain from individual binge ification I used to get.
eating behaviors.
So I added another element to my plan of eating. In
Around this time I reread the OA Twelve and addition to eliminating all foods high in fat content,
Twelve. On pages two and three the book mentions I stopped eating between meals.
not simply binge foods but also “eating behaviors”.
This was difficult for me. I found myself chewing ice
That got me thinking. I started to analyze my eating in my drinks, chewing or sucking on the ends of my
behaviors. Clearly I was eating more than my body pens, playing with my toothpick. But eventually I
needed, since I was still fat. What eating behaviors was able to stop chewing between meals entirely.
was I indulging in that caused me to eat too much
of healthy foods? At the same time I also identified another eating
behavior—this time a real blinding flash of the
obvious: I liked to be stuffed to the gills! I wanted

8
to be full all the time—not just pleasantly full, but I didn’t think I was eating any particular foods that
stuffed. This had also led me to eating between created problems. What could I do to eat less?
meals, but in addition led to great quantities during
Well, instead of using my belly-button, I’ve been
my meals. Sure, I didn’t want to eat ice cream, but
stopping eating when I begin to think about things
I did want to be filled. So I would eat huge quanti-
other than food, such as when I begin to wonder
ties of healthy foods, and they contained calories
whether I’m full. If I’m thinking about things other
that kept my weight high.
than food, my body has probably had enough. And
So I added another element to my plan of eating. I I’ve discovered the amazing fact that twenty
would stop eating when I had eaten “enough”. But minutes after I stop eating, I’m really full! Go figure!
how would I determine what was “enough”? It So I lost ten pounds.
occurred to me that I could use my belly-button as
And when I went back to see my doctor in January
a guide. I would stop eating when I felt as if the
2007 he said he wanted me to lose more weight. So
food had reached my belly-button, which was far
I looked at my eating again––but more importantly
better than when it reached almost up to the back
I also looked at my honesty by using Step 10. I left
of my mouth!
something on my plate and didn’t go back for
Those three elements—eliminating the fats, not seconds. I also stopped looking at the scale,
eating or chewing or sucking between meals, stop- because that allowed me to relax. I lost another six
ping when I felt full up to my belly-button—consti- pounds. My doctor was finally happy. I decided to
tuted my new plan of eating, and as soon as I continue on this journey, however, and as of the
adopted that plan of eating, I lost my weight. That middle of 2007 I’ve lost another three or four
was about eleven years ago, and my weight has pounds.
fluctuated but basically remained steady since I lost
The lesson I take from this experience is that it’s
it.
important always to be honest and vigilant, and not
I achieved a healthy body weight. How did I know? to relax in the program. It’s easy to relax; we lose a
My doctor was happy. When I told some people I lot of weight and feel better, and then we reach a
was a member of OA, they wondered why. And in plateau. It’s important to be honest to see if that
OA people treated me as a person who had recov- plateau is a reasonable plateau!
ered. So I had every right to consider that my
appearance was reasonable and healthy.
5. The individual’s plan of eating.
4. Continue to be honest and I’ve had many many discussions with people all over
the world about plans of eating that work for them.
careful. In all cases they’ve had to analyze their own eating
Over the past eleven years I’ve added more foods to behaviors and their own binge foods and binge
my “don’t eat” list. Although I kept to my plan of ingredients. Some have had very few binge foods,
eating, I discovered that when I ate certain foods but a number of bingeing eating behaviors, and
that were low in fat content I kept on eating them others have had the reverse. Some have been
until they were all gone. This became true, for unable to figure out what they can’t eat, and prefer
instance, for hot-air popcorn and for certain kinds to figure out what they CAN eat. Some have been
of rice cakes; so I eliminated them. I discovered that unable to find their belly-buttons or to find other
high-fibre cereals that had sugar added made me ways to limit their intake, so they have counted
more hungry; so I eliminated them. calories or they have weighed and measured their
foods (another way of counting calories, of course).
Each time I did this it was easy, because I had
already recovered and was working the steps to the I’ve never thought these differences were a big deal.
best of my ability. Each person finds his or her own way to find a plan
of eating that works for him or her. There’s no
After 11 years of his being satisfied with my weight, magic to it. We eliminate foods and eating behav-
in March 2005 my doctor told me that certain iors that cause cravings and, if we need to lose
studies he had become aware of led him to think weight, we find ways to limit our intake of food in
that I should be losing more weight. general. Whether we do that in a “negative” way, as
So I did another analysis of my eating behaviors and I do, by adopting a plan of eating that sets out what
of foods. Quantities were clearly the issue for me. I CAN’T eat or do; or whether we do that in a

9
“positive” way, as others do, by adopting a plan of on your plan of eating? For instance, have
eating that sets out what they CAN eat and how you eliminated sugar and flour but still eat
much of it and when they can, those are only lots of high-fat foods
methods of achieving the eliminating of foods and
· If bread is a problem for you, for instance,
eating behaviors that cause cravings. All that is
is it really what you put on top of the
really needed is simple honesty.
bread—like butter or peanut butter or
When it comes to honesty, though, I think what’s margarine or jam or honey—rather than
important is rigorous honesty. Some people jump the bread itself?
very quickly to certain kinds of plans of eating
because it seems to fit them, or because the plans · In the end, if you have to lose weight, do
are urged on them by other people in the program you have a plan of eating that allows you to
for whom the plans work, or maybe—just maybe!— eat foods that have high amounts of non-
because the plans allow them to hold onto certain nutritious calories? A little bit of fat, for
foods which are really binge foods for them. instance, is necessary in our diet, but high
amounts aren’t. The sugars in fruits are
In all cases we must be rigorously honest. If, after part of a normal diet, but white sugar is of
having been abstinent for some time, you are still no value whatsoever. High-fiber grains are
heavier than your body should be, then you owe it important to eat, but white flour is of very
to yourself to examine your plan of eating. It may little value.
simply be a quantity issue. It may, however, really
be that you are holding on to foods that are causing
you cravings; and you’re holding onto them because This book is written from the perspective of
the plan of eating you chose for yourself (or
someone else chose for you) didn’t eliminate that compulsive overeating, but for those who
food. compulsively restrict their eating (anorexics),
or overeat but hide it by “purging” (bulimics),
What I have noticed in OA is the prevalence of the
“no sugar, no flour” plan of eating. I am certain that the same issues can hold true, if those eating
eliminating sugar and eliminating refined flour is behaviors have the same craving symptom.
quite healthy, but either of those two ingredients
may not be the real issue. If doughnuts or ice-cream Just as with overeaters, not all anorexics and
are foods that cause cravings, it might not be the not all bulimics will identify with the “double
sugar or the flour and sugar in them—it might be
the fat in them, perhaps in combination with the
whammy” described in the Big Book, but if
sugar or the flour. they do, then the Twelve Steps of Overeaters
Anonymous can provide a solution.
Questions:
Developing a Plan of Eating would require
Here are some questions: both a food analysis and an eating behavior
· Have you developed a plan of eating that analysis, of course. Of course one would ab-
eliminates foods that cause you cravings? stain from the compulsive eating behaviors,
· Have you developed a plan of eating that like restricting or like purging. It would be
eliminates eating behaviors that cause you valuable, however, to see if some foods or
cravings? food ingredients or mixtures of ingredients
· Are you holding on to foods that you
caused cravings as well. Those who binge
secretly crave because you can’t give them and purge are not different at all from those
up? who binge, other than finding ways of hiding
· Have you adopted a plan of eating that
the symptoms. Those who restrict might be
works for you, or that works for someone restricting because they have binged, and it
else? would be worthwhile to see whether or not the
· Are there some foods that you keep eating
binging was usually over particular foods or
in large quantities, even if they’re allowed ingredients, rather than over “everything”.

10
 certain point is reached, little can be
Step One, Part Two—the done for him. We cannot answer the
Obsession of the Mind: riddle.

In the last chapter I discussed the first part of Step We know that while the alcoholic keeps
One from the Big Book perspective—the allergy of away from drink, as he may do for
the body (the phenomenon of craving) we get when months or years, he reacts much like
we eat certain foods or indulge in certain eating other men. We are equally positive that
behaviors. In that chapter I especially emphasized once he takes any alcohol whatever into
what the Big Book takes for granted—that we find his system, something happens, both in
a plan of eating that eliminates those foods and/or the bodily and mental sense, which
makes it virtually impossible for him to
eating behaviors which cause our cravings—that we
stop. The experience of any alcoholic
become, in a word, abstinent.
will abundantly confirm this.
Now it’s time to talk about the second part of Step
These observations would be academic
One—the obsession of the mind.
and pointless if our friend never took the
As the Big Book points out, this mental obsession is first drink, thereby setting the terrible
our real problem. cycle in motion. Therefore, the main
problem of the alcoholic centers in his
If our only problem were that we get physical crav- mind, rather than in his body. (pages
ings that overwhelm us, there would be a simple 22-3 of the Big Book)
solution, when you think about it: just don’t eat
those foods or indulge in those eating behaviors; Why do we keep going back? What gets us to eat
everything would be fine. In effect, that’s what we the first bite?
did when we went on diets.
Well, one thing that’s obvious is that virtually every
Consider this: right now, I eat shrimp and enjoy it. diet and every book on losing weight, and many
But if I developed an allergy to shrimp, as many many doctors and dietitians and nutritionists whom
people have, and I would suffer a tremendous shock we consult, all seem to say that once we have lost
to my system that could kill me, I think I would look our weight we can go back to eating ALL the foods
at shrimp as a poison. I would avoid it like the we used to eat, but this time in moderation! It’s just
plague. I would say to myself, “Well I used to like a matter of will power, or maybe they phrase it as
it, but I sure don’t like it now. Why would I eat won’t power. They can’t imagine why we would eat
anything that killed me?” in large quantities again.
Yet before OA I ate all kinds of food that I knew What is their problem? They don’t understand that
perfectly well were killing me! we have a physical problem. They don’t understand
that, unlike the normal eater, we don’t get unease
Our real problem, as the Big Book points out, is that or discomfort when we overeat—rather, we crave
we keep finding excuses to go back to those foods more. They simply don’t understand our allergy of
and those eating behaviors: the body.
Why does he behave like this? If
So, on the advice of our doctors, or other health-
hundreds of experiences have shown
care professionals, the diets in magazines and
him that one drink means another
books, and the weight-loss programs, we lose our
debacle with all its attendant suffering
weight and then take back our weekly scoop of ice
and humiliation, why is it he takes that
cream, or two cookies, or comfort food. And then
one drink? Why can't he stay on the
the weekly scoop becomes bigger, and then
water wagon? What has become of the
common sense and will power that he becomes more frequent, and then becomes the
still sometimes displays with respect to hand going to the mouth and we’re asking ourselves
other matters? why we can’t stop.

Perhaps there never will be a full But wait, as the infomercials say, there’s more!
answer to these questions. Opinions Here’s my list. I bet you can add to it!
vary considerably as to why the alco-
holic reacts differently from normal
people. We are not sure why, once a

11
I deserve this because: · She’s not looking, so it doesn’t
count.
· I’m so depressed. What will make
me feel better? · I have to taste it in order to see
whether it’s okay.
· I’m so happy! How can I celebrate?
· At least people can see what my
· I’ve been very good for a year. A
weakness is.
month. A week. An hour.
· I didn’t eat the bun . . . the last
french fry . . . the second helping. Ring some bells?
· I worked so hard making it. So what are these curious excuses?

· I feel guilty because I didn’t work

so hard making it. Mental, not simply emotional
The Big Book describes them as a mental obsession,
not simply an emotional one. Certainly some of
I need this because: these are emotional excuses. But some of them are
· No one loves me. just plain stupid ones.

· How will I fit in otherwise? We often hear in OA that our problem is physical,
emotional, and spiritual. The Big Book doesn’t use
· Too many people love me. the word “emotional” to describe our problem. It
· I want to die and overeating will uses the word “mental”. That’s because our reasons
kill me. But it’s a nice way to for returning to the food are often just insane, and
commit suicide. My spouse will sometimes don’t depend on how we’re feeling at all.
not feel guilty when I die. We could have had a normal day, have lost a lot of
weight by eliminating ice cream from our diet, and
· Nothing else will remove the hurt,
be in a supermarket where they’re offering a sample
if only for a second.
of new flavor of ice cream, and find ourselves eating
that sample before we even know what we’re doing.
I must have this because: It doesn’t do us any good to figure out what was
eating us. What does us good is to realize that we
· They made it especially for me.
keep finding excuses to go back to foods that we
How can I refuse?
know, deep in our hearts, we can’t eat without
· It’s free! developing cravings.
· I’ll never be able to have this food This is the real problem, as the Big Book points out.
again. There is no answer. “We cannot answer the riddle.”
We just know that we do it.
· It will go to waste.
The whole of the chapter More About Alcoholism
· Everyone is looking at me; how (beginning on page 30) describes the mental obses-
can I refuse? sion. It is the same obsession whatever we’re
addicted to—whether gambling or alcohol or
cocaine or food or emotions. It is that excuse we
I can have this because: give to ourselves for going back.
· I’m standing up. It doesn’t count! It is not surprising that our drinking
careers have been characterized by
· It’s a stone ground whole-grain
countless vain attempts to prove we
cinnamon bun made with organic
could drink like other people. The idea
molasses and cold-pressed
that somehow, someday he will control
organic oil! So it’s really good for
and enjoy his drinking is the great
me and doesn’t count!
obsession of every abnormal drinker.
The persistence of this illusion is aston-

12
 ishing. Many pursue it into the gates of ourselves from thinking. You try it. I’ll pay you
insanity or death. (Page 30) $5,000.00 if you don’t think of the word “rhinoceros”
for 20 seconds! Did you win the bet? I doubt it. We
In that chapter the Big Book describes four addicts
can’t control our thinking. And we can’t control the
who return to their addiction. One of them has not
mental obsession.
had a drink for 25 years, and thinks that a long
period of sobriety enables him to drink like normal We have two lines of thought running parallel to each
people. One of them has a bad day, and persuades other, just like the proverbial good and bad angels
himself that whiskey won’t hurt him if taken with perched on our two shoulders. The “good” thought
milk. One of them keeps going back to jaywalking is, “I can’t eat this stuff, it’ll make me fat, I won’t eat
even though he has suffered tremendous physical it, I want to be thin.” The “bad” thought is, “Ah, come
damage, and can’t explain himself at all. And one of on. It’s okay, because . . . [fill in the rationalization!].”
them has a great day, and finds himself thinking that Then suddenly a click occurs, and the bad thought
it would be nice to have cocktails with his dinner. just overpowers the good thought, and we begin
again.
There was always the curious mental
phenomenon that parallel with our
sound reasoning there inevitably ran The Double Whammy:
some insanely trivial excuse for taking
the first drink. Our sound reasoning The first part of our addiction is that we are powerless
failed to hold us in check. The insane over food—we get uncontrollable physical cravings
idea won out. Next day we would ask when we eat certain foods or indulge in certain eating
ourselves, in all earnestness and behaviors. This is the allergy of the body.
sincerity, how it could have happened. The second part is that we can’t manage our lives in
In some circumstances we have gone relation to our powerlessness over food—we get
out deliberately to get drunk, feeling mental obsessions that send us back to those foods
ourselves justified by nervousness, and those eating behaviors that we know will cause
anger, worry, depression, jealousy or us the uncontrollable cravings. This is the obsession
the like. But even in this type of begin- of the mind.
ning we are obliged to admit that our
We have what Dr. Silkworth called the “double
justification for a spree was insanely
whammy”. We can’t stop once we’ve started; and we
insufficient in the light of what always
happened. We now see that when we can’t stop from starting again. We’re doomed.
began to drink deliberately, instead of That is Step One—the realization that we are
casually, there was little serious or doomed. And we’re not doomed because of our
effective thought during the period of allergy of the body, but because of our mental obses-
premeditation of what the terrific sion. And we begin to realize that the only solution
[horrible] consequences might be. (Page that will ever work with us is something that gets rid
37) of our mental obsession. And we know we can’t do it
Yes, says the Big Book, sometimes we have felt by ourselves, because we can’t stop the thinking that
justified by extreme emotions. But we’ve also had keeps sending us back.
trivial excuses.
That fits my experience well. I can be on a diet and
have thoughts like, “That looks good, but I can’t eat Note that Step One as written on the wall is not “We
it. I won’t eat it. It’s not good for me. I’m doing so admitted that we were powerless over food AND that our
well on my diet.” But I’ll simultaneously have other life had become unmanageable.” It’s “We admitted that we
thoughts like, “It’s only a bit, you’ve never had that were powerless over food––that our lives had become
taste before, you can have just one.” And then the unmanageable.”
second thought just overpowers the first, and I’m
back again. I’ve become a yo-yo dieter. That means that we have to admit that our life had be-
come unmanageable in relation to our powerlessness over
food. If someone had tried to convince me when I joined
The Mental Obsession: the program that my whole life was unmanageable, I
The Big Book’s characterization of this is as a mental would have left the program. My life was fine (or appar-
obsession. An obsession is a thought that over- ently fine) except for the food. But Step One doesn’t re-
powers all other thought. It is an obsession over quire us to accept anything but our powerlessness over
which we have no mental defence. We can’t stop food!

13
Maybe now we will be ready for Step Two. If Step
One is the problem of powerlessness, then Step
Two is the solution of power!

Questions:
Here are questions for you:
· What excuses have you used to go back to
compulsive eating?
· Have any of your reasons for going back to
compulsive eating ever ever ever turned
out to be reasonable?
· Have you ever gone back to compulsive
eating before you even realized you were
doing it?
· Does your experience show that you have
been capable, on your own, of ultimately
resisting an excuse to go back to compul-
sive eating?
· Does your experience show that you have
returned to compulsive eating only
because you’ve felt emotionally justified, or
have you had trivial excuses as well? William D. Silkworth, M.D.

Are you now convinced that in yourself there is no

solution to the double whammy? This is crucial. Do
you still think there’s a chance? Or do you know
that you are doomed?

14
 tells him about the double whammy and he experi-
Step Two: ences the truth of it and the hopelessness of his
In Step One we found complete despair—power- situation—he was visited by his friend Ebby, who
lessness. We cannot solve the problem of our was sober; and that when Bill asked him how he had
compulsive eating by ourselves. In Step Two we will become sober, Ebby told him that he had found
find hope—power. A power greater than ourselves religion. This hit Bill hard. He was an agnostic. He
will restore us to sanity. could not believe in the God of religion, something
he had rejected for many years.
Step One is the problem. Step Two is the solution.
What was Bill to do? He saw in his friend a real
The Big Book discusses Step Two in part of "Bill’s miracle:
Story" and in the whole of "We Agnostics".
Like myself, he had admitted complete
Most of the discussion of Step Two in the Big Book defeat. Then he had, in effect, been
is aimed at persons who do not believe in a personal raised from the dead, suddenly taken
god—agnostics (who have come to the conclusion from the scrap heap to a level of life
that they will never know whether there is a God or better than the best he had ever known!
not) or atheists (who believe there is no God). Had this power originated in him? Obvi-
Therefore most of today’s share will concentrate on ously it had not. There had been no
reasons why a person who does not believe in God more power in him than there was in me
would want to find a Higher Power through the at the minute; and this was none at all.
Twelve Steps. Never mind the musty past; here sat a
miracle directly across the kitchen table.
Why, then, would a person who believes in a
He shouted great tidings. (pages 11 and
specific God be interested in this discussion? There
12)
are two reasons.
Here is the point at which we see the value that all
1 The religious person will someday in spon-
of our past experience is able to bring to the
soring meet someone like me, and he or
compulsive eater who still suffers. If it is clear that
she should know the arguments to help
we used to be like the person who still suffers, but
someone like me.
are now different as a result of the Twelve Steps,
2 There is an extremely important page of then we fill the prospect with both despair (Step
the Big Book which the person who One––s/he can’t do it on his/her own) and hope (Step
believes in God but who is still suffering Two––it can be done!).
from compulsive eating ought to under-
stand—if he or she is to recover! But how could Bill have that miracle if he did not
believe in God?
In the following discussion, I take for granted that
Ebby then gave Bill, and AA, and OA and all other
we have accepted our powerlessness over food—
Twelve Step programs, a great gift. Although he was
that Step One for us is a reality. (Note that we don’t
part of an evangelical Christian movement (the
"take" Step One. There is no concept in the Big Book
Oxford Groups), he didn’t try to persuade Bill to
that we "take" it or "do" it. It is rather that we
believe in any kind of God. He said, "Why don’t you
acknowledge our powerlessness, we accept our
choose your own conception of God?" (page 12)
powerlessness.)
That was enough for Bill to work on. "It was only a
We understand the "double whammy" of not being
able to stop when we start (the physical allergy), and matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater
than myself. Nothing more was required of me to
of not being able to stop from starting again (the
make my beginning."
mental obsession), and realize that there is no hope
for us on our own. This theme is expanded in the chapter "We Agnos-
tics". It is designed to give the still-suffering alco-
Because we have this mental obsession, we are
holic reasons to be willing. It is NOT designed to
insane. We need to have constant sanity to be able
prove the existence of God. I misread it for years.
to say, "I don’t want to eat foods or indulge in eating
I thought it was designed to prove the existence of
behaviors that cause me uncontrollable cravings."
God, and of course it fails in that respect.
Those who have read "Bill’s Story" will recall that in
his worst moment of despair—after Dr. Silkworth

15
Outline of We Agnostics: heavier-than-air flying machine could be built, it was
not built. The idea of the agnostic or atheist that he
The chapter is divided into three major sections. or she can handle his or her own addiction doesn’t
The first section, from page 44 to page 48, poses the work. Our idea that we need a Higher Power does
essential dilemma facing a person who does not work. Therefore the agnostic or atheist should try
believe in God. it!

The second section, from page 48 to page 54, pres- Third reason (pages 53 to the bottom of 54): Regard-
ents three powerful arguments on why one should less of the protestations of the atheist or agnostic, he or
be willing to find a Higher Power. she DOES believe in things that are in fact more powerful
than he or she is. The atheist or agnostic believes in
The third section, from page 54 to page 55, gives the his or her own reasoning; actually worships
reality of fundamental belief and is the section of things—like love or money—that can’t be justified
extreme importance to the believer as well as to the using logic. As a matter of fact, the things the atheist
non-believer. (There is also a fourth anecdotal
section from page 55 to page 57 providing experien-
The Appendix on Spiritual Experience was placed
tial testimony.) I’ll summarize each section.
into the second printing of the Big Book, in
1941. It was put there to make it clear that a
First section–the dilemma: sudden spiritual epiphany was not the norm for
AAers when they did the steps. What was usual
Pages 44 - 48: Because we cannot recover on our was a gradual spiritual awakening. So Bill Wil-
own, we are doomed unless we find a Power greater son made certain that when it came time to
than ourselves. This book is all about finding that reprint the Big Book, after the first 5,000 copies
Higher Power. But that’s a real problem for people had been distributed, the Big Book would con-
who don’t believe in God. About half of us were like tain that explanation. The Appendix is impor-
that. Don’t be prejudiced by the words we use in tant for three other reasons.
this book to describe a Higher Power. It’s your own
conception that’s important. And don’t worry. You First, it provides a completely non-religious and
don’t HAVE to believe in a Higher Power in order to in a real sense a non-spiritual definition of spiri-
work the Steps. You only have to be WILLING to tual experience or spiritual awakening––a ”per-
believe. sonality change sufficient to bring about
recovery from alcoholism”, and later on, “a pro-
found alteration in his reaction to life”.
Second section–the reasons:
This opens up the program for people who have
Pages 48 - 54. Here are the three reasons the no sense of a God at all. If I have received a
agnostic or atheist should be willing to try what this personality change that has been sufficient to
book offers. overcome my compulsive overeating, then I
First reason (pages 48 to the top of 51): Scientifically have had a spiritual awakening. I don’t have to
speaking, a theory that’s grounded in fact—that argue with anybody at all about whether or not
works—is worth trying out. All of us believe in theo- I’ve accepted “God” in my life.
ries about electricity even though we’ve never seen Second, it talks about achieving recovery “in a
the atoms upon which that theory is based; but the few months”, which should give a real ray of
theories work for us, and therefore we believe hope.
them. Our theory is that a Higher Power can restore
us to sanity. Clearly that theory works. Therefore Third, it contains that wonderful quote (wrong-
the agnostic or atheist should try it! ly) attributed to Herbert Spencer: “There is a
principle which is a bar against all information,
Second reason (pages 51 to the bottom of 53): No which is proof against all arguments and which
real progress is ever made in this world unless we chal- cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting igno-
lenge established ideas that don’t work and become rance—that principle is contempt prior to inves-
willing to try new ideas that might work. Until tigation.”
someone was willing to try out the idea that the
It appears that Herbert Spencer didn’t say this. It was writ-
earth was round or that the earth circled the sun, ten by a minister named William Paley. See the fascinating
little progress was made in navigation; until lengthy article by Michael StGeorge currently (2017) avail-
someone was willing to try out the idea that a able at http://anonpress.org/spencer/ or
www.aabibliography.com/pdffiles/Survival_of_a_Fitting_Qu
otation.pdf.

16
or the agnostic worships are what give him or her the idea that this program will give you a sense of a
the essence of his or her life. "It was impossible to higher power? It can’t hurt!
say we had no capacity for faith, or love, or worship.
In one form or another we had been living by faith
and little else" (page 54). So the atheist or the
Third section–deep down within
agnostic DOES believe in something that he or she us is our fundamental conception
can’t touch or see and can’t prove. So why not TRY of a Higher Power:
Pages 54 - 55: Faith is part of our makeup, and in that
is the fundamental idea of God.
Chapter Two, There is a Solution, contains a sum-
Actually we were fooling ourselves, for
mary of the issues relating to the allergy of the
deep down in every man, woman, and
body and the obsession of the mind. It is well
child, is the fundamental idea of God. It
worth reading!
may be obscured by calamity, by pomp,
It also contains the wonderful story at pages 26 by worship of other things, but in some
through 28 of “a certain American businessman” form or other it is there. We finally saw
(Rowland Hazard), who had consulted with the that faith in some kind of God was a part
great psychoanalyst Dr. Carl Jung for some time, of our make-up, just as much as the
yet who went back to alcoholism as soon as he feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes
left. Dr. Jung told him his condition was hope- we had to search fearlessly, but He was
less unless he could find a spiritual experience; there. He was as much a fact as we
but simply being religious wasn’t enough. were. We found the Great Reality deep
down within us. In the last analysis it is
Rowland found the Oxford Groups, which used only there that He may be found. It was
a few simple actions to gain a spiritual experi- so with us. (page 55)
ence. As one of them put it, you get honest with
yourself (Step Four), you get honest with anoth- So ultimately we will find a Higher Power "deep down
er human being (Step Five), you make up for within us".
what you’ve done wrong (Step Nine), you trust But—and this is what is so important EVEN for the
in God (Step Eleven), and you help others (Step person who believes in God—that Higher Power is
Twelve). He had a spiritual experience and "obscured by calamity, pomp, by worship of other
stopped drinking. He brought his message to things" (page 55). Put in other words, our Higher
Ebby Thacher, who then brought it to Bill Wil- Power is blocked by bad things that have happened
son. Bill adapted those steps to create the to us, by a sense of self-importance, and by worship
Twelve Steps. of other things.
Just before Dr. Jung died, Bill wrote him a
lengthy letter thanking him for the role he The Steps unblock us from our
played in developing AA. Dr. Jung wrote a
brilliant letter back. Both of those letters can be
Higher Power:
found in the great AA publication, The Language Here is the essence of what the Twelve Steps do for
of the Heart––a collection of Bill’s writings in the us! The Steps REMOVE the things that BLOCK us
AA Grapevine. Dr. Jung’s concept was that alco- from the Higher Power deep down within us!
holism is the low-level thirst for spirituality––
equal to our OA low-level hunger for spirituali- As soon as the block is removed, we have contact
ty––and that what AA (and OA) provides is real with that Higher Power. And as soon as we have
spirituality through the support of a like-minded contact with that Higher Power, we become sane.
community and actions which bring us closer to And becoming sane means that we no longer want
our spiritual center. to return to the foods and eating behaviors that
create uncontrollable cravings. We will see in the
Some doubt has been placed on the accuracy of the Big discussion of Step Four that the Big Book talks
Book’s account of Rowland’s contact with Dr. Jung, although
the spiritual basis and the ideas behind it have not been about being “blocked” (page 71) from the “sunlight
questioned; of the spirit” (page 66).
See www.wejoy.org/pdf/Rowland%20Hazard.pdf for a So whether we believe in God or don’t believe in
attempt to figure out when Rowland consulted with Dr. God, if we are not sane when it comes to food, it is
Jung and what really influenced Rowland to pursue the
Oxford Groups.

17
clear that we have blocked off our route to sanity. What to say to the person who does believe in God:
The only solution we know is to get rid of the blocks.
The question to ask of those who do believe in God
To do that we work the Twelve Steps.
is, "Do you accept that something is blocking you off
What to say to the person who doesn’t believe in from your God?" Most people asked that question
God: will answer Yes. They will talk about their religious
schooling or upbringing that caused them not to love
The question to ask, therefore, of people who don’t
their God but to fear Him. They will talk about the
believe in God is what concepts or ideas or feelings
scars of their lives and think that their God has
they DO believe in that are more important than they
punished them. Or they will simply acknowledge that
are: What gives them any meaning at all in their lives?
their religious activity has become mechanical and
Any person desperate enough to come to OA and not meaningful to them. They will intuitively under-
who is relatively honest will be able to answer that stand the notion of being blocked from God.
question at least in part. That person will usually
One religious person I spoke to talked about being
come up with LOVE at the very least—"Who of us had
“functionally agnostic” before he worked the steps—
not loved something or somebody?" (page 54) They
although he believed in God, he didn’t act according
may come up with high ideals, as I did when asked
to his beliefs. That made sense to me.
that question, like Truth, or Justice, or Beauty. Or
they may come up with Doing Good, Being Useful; or For those who have rejected their childhood religion
Not Doing Harm, Being Part of the World; or simply because of various issues, there is also the wonderful
Intuitively Doing the Right Thing, Being Serene. and calming option of their being able to choose the
Which of us can’t come up with a list of one or two "best part" of their God—by focusing on the love and
or three things that motivate us, things that we may the understanding and the compassion that is at the
have trouble attaining, but that we wish we could very least PART of their religious upbringing without
attain? having to embrace the WHOLE of the god of their
religion.
If we use the Big Book’s image of blocking the Higher
Power which is "deep down within us", we can see The Steps provide us with a Higher Power:
that our fundamental idea of a Higher Power is really
What the Big Book actually promises is that working
the concepts or the ideals which give us whatever
the Twelve Steps will remove the blocks that keep us
motivation in life we have. Some people, religious
from our Higher Power, however we have conceived
people, call that God, and give it a personality and
It, and that Higher Power will enter into our lives and
various attributes. Some people don’t. For the
give us sanity. There’s no promise that we will
purposes of the Twelve Steps, it really makes no
believe in the God of a religion at all. The only
difference.
promise is that we will have sanity––that we will feel
A Higher Power gives us direction. a strength and power that we know did not exist in
us when we were trying to deal with our problems on
A personal God gives us direction by telling us what
our own.
to do, perhaps through our holy scriptures or
through a revelation or through meditation or The Appendix on Spiritual Experience makes that very
through “signs”––things that happens to us that have clear. A spiritual experience, the Appendix says, can
meaning for us. That God, in effect, “pushes” us from
behind to go to a particular direction.
Step Two is not a huge step to take the Big Book
A Higher Power consisting of values gives us direction
way. As a matter of fact, we don’t take Step Two
by being a beacon, a North Pole, a compass point—a
at all.
place to go towards. That God, in effect, “pulls” us
in a particular direction. It is simply a sense of what a Higher Power could
be, and a willingness to work the steps of the
The image that makes sense to me is that of a
program in order to see if such a Higher Power
compass. Out of the 360 degrees on the compass,
can be found.
there is the one degree direction of Truth, Love,
Justice, and Beauty. The other 359 degrees consist Aside from setting out a number 2 step on page
of my way; and not one of those paths has ever 59, the Big Book never mentions Step Two as a
worked! step. There is simply the discussion of being
open to finding a higher power as set out in three
chapters in the Big Book––Bill’s Story, There is a
Solution, and We Agnostics.

18
be slow, an awakening, and not sudden. And it is That’s the only real question. If we can feel some
characterized by “a personality change sufficient to hope that people who are just like us have recov-
overcome alcoholism”. ered by working the Twelve Steps, then maybe, just
maybe, we can try it ourselves. Step Two is only
Step Two only requires that we be willing to try to
hope – nothing more. It is the promise of what
find our Higher Power. That’s all. Our willingness is
happens IF we work the Twelve Steps. It doesn’t
enough to start the process of working the Twelve
give us a Higher Power and doesn’t require us to
Steps. When we work the Twelve Steps, we find that
adopt one.
automatically (guaranteed by end of Step Nine!) we
become sane in relation to food, without any effort
on our part in dealing with food (see the Hidden Questions:
Promises at the bottom of page 84 and top of page
85)! So, some questions:

For agnostics and atheists, I can only say this as • Do you accept that on your own you are
personal testimony. I began this program manyh powerless over those foods and eating
many years ago as an agnostic. I am still an agnostic, behaviors that cause you uncontrollable
a very skeptical agnostic. But I have recovered in cravings?
this program, a day at a time: I am sane about foods • Is what you’re doing about your powerless-
and eating behaviors that cause me uncontrollable ness working?
craving. Therefore I have achieved a spiritual awak-
ening as promised by the Steps, and I will continue • Do you accept that there are those people
to have that spiritual awakening so long as I who have been as powerless as you who
continue to work the Steps and maintain a fit spiri- are full of a power that has overcome their
tual condition. powerlessness?

So to all of you who are atheists and agnostics, don’t • Are you willing to do what those people say
despair at all! Just do the steps! The Big Book gave them power?
guarantees that if you do the steps, by the end of • If you don’t believe in God, is there
Step Nine you will have a personality change suffi- anything you believe in that is more impor-
cient to overcome compulsive eating—and in the tant than you are? If so, what? Call that God.
words of the Big Book, that IS a spiritual awakening!
Certainly, if you’re like me, it will be a miracle! • If you believe in God, do you feel cut off
—blocked—from God?
And for believers, my experience with countless
other believers in OA is that the Steps remove the • Are you ready to go forward?
blockage between them and their God, and those
believers end up affirming their faith in deep and
ultimately mystical ways.
What Step Two is and what it is not:
If we are powerless as individuals, can we derive
hope from those in OA, or those in other 12-step
programs, who have clearly recovered from their
addictions?

There appears to be an interpretation of OA’s Twelve

and Twelve which gives the impression that Step
Three is a step we can’t take until we’re really really
really ready, and that if we don’t suddenly find our-
selves actually turning our will and our life over to
the care of our god, we haven’t completed Step
Three. From a Big Book point of view, that doesn’t
appear to be the case at all. Step Three is simply a
decision to go on with the steps. The Big Book
promises that we will have our will and our life AA WORLD SERVICES, INC.
turned over to the care of our god by Step Nine.

19
 1. We admitted we were powerless over
food, that our lives had become unman-
ageable.
Step Three:
[Complete deflation. We admitted that we
Step Three is discussed in the Big Book from the were licked, that we were powerless over
bottom of page 60 to the bottom of page 63. We alcohol.]
will find that this section contains extremely impor-
tant information, but that the step itself is a rela- 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than
tively simple step. It is the first step in which we ourselves could restore us to sanity.
actually DO something, but what we do is not that 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our
complicated or time-consuming. lives over to the care of God as we under-
Before we start discussing Step Three, however, it’s stood Him.
important to discuss the first two and half pages of 4. Made a searching and fearless moral
Chapter Five (“How It Works”)—pages 58 to 60. inventory of ourselves.
Page 58 stresses “rigorous honesty”. It points out [Moral inventory. We made a moral inven-
that the only thing that stands in the way of tory of our defects or sins.]
recovery is a lack of the ability to be honest with
one’s self. It also asks us if we are committed “to go 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to
to any lengths” to find recovery. another human being the exact nature of
our wrongs.
Page 59 to the top of page 60 sets out the Twelve
Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which have been [Confession. We confessed or shared our
adapted for OA, with only two changes (in Steps shortcomings with another person in confi-
One—what we’re powerless over—and Twelve—to dence.]
whom we try to carry the message). 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove
all these defects of character.
The original steps: 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our short-
Originally AA had six steps and not twelve. There comings.
are many sources for this statement (see AA Comes 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed,
of Age and The Language of the Heart, both available and became willing to make amends to
from AA); you can find one source in the Big Book them all.
on page 292 of the third edition or page 263 of the
fourth edition. 9. Made direct amends to such people wher-
ever possible, except when to do so would
As you may know, the Big Book was written as a injure them or others.
do-it-yourself manual for people who were not able
to have contact with AA members who had recov- [Restitution. We made restitution to all those
ered. we had harmed by our drinking.]

Bill Wilson, who basically wrote the Big Book, 10. Continued to take personal inventory and
considered it necessary to make certain that he when were wrong promptly admitted it.
provided more detail for the steps than existed 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to
previously. He therefore added what turned out to improve our conscious contact with God
be six more steps. as we understood Him, praying only for
That’s important to know because the six steps that knowledge of His will for us and the power
he added are clearly not steps which have the same to carry that out.
kind of significance as the original six steps. [Dependence and guidance from a Higher
Here are the twelve steps of Overeaters Anonymous. Power. We prayed to whatever God we
Immediately after six of them, in [brackets], I’ve put thought there was for power to practice these
the original six steps (as found first in the Big Book precepts.]
on the pages above, underlined, and then in italics 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the
from AA Comes of Age on page 160): result of these steps, we tried to carry this

20
 message to compulsive overeaters, and to bottom of page 63) discusses the WILL part of “turn
practice these principles in all our affairs. our will and our lives over to the care of” our Higher
Power. The second part (bottom of page 63 to top
[Continued work with other alcoholics. We
of page 64) discusses the LIFE part of “turning our
tried to help other alcoholics, with no thought
willing and our life over”.
of reward in money or prestige.]
The Big Book discusses what it considers the
So you can see that the original six steps were
universal characteristic of the alcoholic/compulsive
basically Steps One, Four, Five, Nine, Eleven, and
eater. It uses as an example the actor in a play who
Twelve. The other steps were added in order to
wants to be the director/producer of the play, who
make certain that there were no loopholes. They
knows the play would go much better if his or her
were not and are still not the essence of the
way were adopted.
program. We’ll see how this plays out as we go.
I remember where I was sitting (in a small basement
restaurant) when my first sponsor pointed those
Step Three is merely a decision to words out. They struck me right to the heart. Of
do the rest of the steps: course I wanted to be in charge! And it was the fact
that I wasn’t in charge, that the play wasn’t going
Step Three is therefore not a huge step that requires
my way, that was at the heart of my problems!
lots of time and action. It is simply an acknowledge-
ment of the consequences of the willingness through The Big Book uses a number of words to describe
hope that we developed in Step Two. that universal characteristic: self-willed, self-propul-
sion, self-seeker, manager, self-centered, egocen-
If you are willing to try to find a Higher Power
tric, selfish, self-centered, fearful, self-deluding,
through the steps (Step Two), then you have to
self-pitying.
make a decision to work the steps. And that really
is all Step Three is—a decision. These words are all used to describe a person who
basically wants life to go his or her way, regardless of
I could decide to write an article on Step Three, but
the motivation.
if I don’t actually sit down at my computer and write
it, my decision to write is of no value whatsoever. So from the perspective of the Big Book, the motiva-
tion of wanting life to go your way is irrelevant.
So my decision to turn my will and my life over to
the care of my Higher Power is simply a decision. It’s Sometimes the motives can be quite outer-directed.
not actually turning my will and my life over. It’s Certainly I have my own convictions of how the
just a decision to do that. In order to turn my will world could be a better place and people could get
and my life over, I have to get rid of the things in along better, and my motives are really quite good
myself that are blocking me from my Higher Power. in that respect. I don’t suffer from the effects of
We’ll see the complete truth of this statement when poverty or torture or suppression or imminent
we discuss Step Four next chapter. disease or death; yet I would like to have a world in
which other people don’t suffer from that either.
My children are adults now, and I want them to be
The discussion preceding Step happy in their lives purely because I love them.
Three:
Sometimes, however, the motives can be quite
So what of the discussion on pages 60 through 64 inner-directed—or selfish in the dictionary defini-
about Step Three? Why is it there? tion. I want people to like me so I can feel good
I believe there are two main purposes of that discus- about myself; I want people to give me business to
sion. The first is to explain WHY we have to make keep me financially secure; I wanted girlfriends (I’m
the decision to turn our will and our life over; this happily married now!) to satisfy physical and social
involves a discussion of “selfishness” from the Big desires; when my kids were young, I didn’t want
Book perspective. The second is to tell us WHAT we them to embarrass me by bad behavior.
have to do in order to make that decision; this And sometimes there’s a mix of motives. I don’t
involves setting out the words of the Step Three want close relatives to get very sick both because I
prayer. don’t want them to suffer AND because I don’t want
The pages discussing the WHY are divided into two the inconvenience of having to take care of them. I
parts. The first part (bottom of page 60 through don’t want there to be bombs both because I don’t

21
want innocent people to suffer AND because I don’t Being all powerful, He provided what we
want to die. needed, IF we kept close to Him and
performed His work well. Established on
But whatever the motives, I want life to go my way
such a footing we BECAME less and
rather than the way it is going. I therefore under-
less interested in ourselves, our little
stand wanting to be the director of the play rather
plans and designs. More and more we
than the actor. It makes a lot of sense to me.
BECAME interested in seeing what we
Sometimes I tried to impose my will on others.
could contribute to life. AS we felt new
Sometimes I just gave up and played the martyr. But power flow in, AS we enjoyed peace of
in all cases I KNEW the right way – and it wasn’t mind, AS we discovered we could face
happening. And that was killing me! life successfully, AS we became
conscious of His presence, we BEGAN
The Big Book’s special definition to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or
the hereafter. We were reborn.
of selfish:
These are really the promises of the whole program,
The Big Book says at page 62: not of Step Three. They are conditional on doing
Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, the steps; and Step Three is simply the beginning—
we think, is the root of our troubles. the decision to do the steps.
Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-
(Note that we have a new employer. We don’t get
delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we
our job description until we have recovered. See
step on the toes of our fellows and they
page 102 for our job description: “Your job now is
retaliate. So our troubles, we think, are
to be at the place where you may be of maximum
basically of our own making. They arise
helpfulness to others”. We can’t do that job until
out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an
extreme example of self-will run riot, we have worked the steps and recovered. The Big
though he usually doesn't think so. Book makes that clear on page 164: “But obviously
Above everything, we alcoholics must you cannot transmit something you haven't got.”)
be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it Another way of proving that these are the promises
kills us! of the whole program is to show that the only real
This notion of selfishness—wanting my way—is at promise that’s made about Step Three is found at
the heart of the Big Book’s approach to the steps. the bottom of page 63: “This was only a beginning,
Selfishness according to the dictionary is “wanting though if honestly and humbly made, an effect,
my way for my own comfort or convenience”. sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.”
We’re promised an effect of some kind. And further,
The Big Book, however, discusses selfishness in a look at the top of page 64: “Though our decision
broader, more generic, way—as “wanting my way”, was a vital and crucial step, it could have little
period––not only for my own comfort or conve- permanent effect unless at once followed by a stren-
nience, and perhaps even for the best of motives. uous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in
This broader approach will become extremely ourselves which had been blocking us.”
important when we discuss Step Four and ask where So from a careful reading of the Big Book and in the
we have been selfish in relation to other people. light of the history of the steps, I think we can see
that Step Three is a vital and important step, but it’s
The Promises of the program: not a step we spend a lot of time on. It’s a step
where we reflect on what brought us to our knees—
At the top of page 63 the Big Book has some prom- the broad notion of selfishness, wanting our way
ises, and some people interpret those promises as regardless of the motives—and make a decision (in
being the promises of Step Three. I’ve been taught effect, while still on our knees!) to find a Higher
that this is not the case. Power by working the steps.
Let’s read those promises carefully. I’ll emphasize Our job is to unblock the channel between ourselves
the conditional and forward-looking parts of these and our Higher Power deep down within us. To do
promises: that we have to clean house. To do that, therefore,
we have to do Steps Four through Nine,.
When we SINCERELY took such a
position, all sorts of remarkable things
followed. We had a new Employer.

22
Taking Step Three: Three Frogs:
So let’s say the Step Three prayer. The Big Book Three frogs are sitting on a log. Two make a decision
says that the language is optional so long as the idea to jump off a log. Five minutes pass. How many
is expressed, and that it is “very desirable” to say frogs are left on the log?
that prayer “with an understanding person”.
The answer isn’t one. Nor is the answer that the
God, I offer myself to Thee—to build third frog would have jumped along with the other
with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. two. The answer is three. The frogs just made a
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I decision to jump; they didn’t actually do it.
may better do Thy will. Take away my
difficulties, that victory over them may The Flash Flood:
bear witness to those I would help of A man is sitting on his verandah in the middle of a
Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of plain, when a police cruiser comes screeching to a
life. May I do Thy will always! halt in front of him. “Get in, Frank,” says the police
A beautiful prayer! We’re offering ourselves to God. officer, “there’s going to be a flash flood, and it’s
We want certain things to happen to us—relief from going to go higher than your house!”
the bondage of self, difficulties taken away—not for “No thanks,” says Frank, “I’ve put my trust and reli-
those things to benefit US, but so that those things ance upon God.” The cruiser drives off.
will help us benefit OTHERS. This is the first time
the Big Book really begins to say that we need to get An hour later, the water has gone to the top of the
out of our skin and to help others. first storey of the house. Frank is looking out the
second-storey window, and a boat comes along side.
So that’s it! That’s Step Three. “Get in, Frank,” says the person piloting the boat,
We don’t have to be really really really ready; we “it’s going to get worse!”
simply have to make a decision. The “really really “No thanks,” says Frank, “I’ve put my trust and reli-
really ready” part comes if we actually start to do ance upon God.” The boat goes away.
some work—start Step Four.
An hour later, the water is over the roof, and Frank is
Remember that I can make a decision to travel, but hanging onto the television antenna. A helicopter
I won’t get anywhere if I don’t get in my car and comes by and lets down a ladder. “It’s getting high-
drive or buy a plane ticket and get on the plane. er, climb on!”
“No thanks,” says Frank, “I’ve put my trust and reli-
ance upon God.” The helicopter flies off.
Hanging by a branch:
Frank drowns, goes to heaven, and demands to see
A man falls off a cliff, and manages to catch a the Big Guy. “Where were you?” he asks angrily.
little branch halfway down the cliff. It starts to
come off its roots. God says, “I sent a car, a boat, and a helicopter!”
He starts to pray: “God, I’ve never prayed be- The lottery:
fore, but please, please, help me.”
A man kneels in his sparse bedroom and prays: “God,
A deep voice sounds out: “I’m here, my son.” I’m going to be praying to you day and night until
Saturday afternoon. I need to win the lottery. Not
“God, is that you?” the million dollars, but just $40,000.00. And it’s not
“Yes, my son.” for me, but for the benefit of a particular charity that
needs it right away. So I’m going to pray and pray.”
“Oh, God, what do I do, what do I do?”
Saturday afternoon comes. He’s been praying for the
“Let go of the branch, my son.” whole week. “Just one more hour,” he says, “just one
“Pardon me?” more. Please, God, let me win just $40,000.00.”
“Let go of the branch, my son.” The blue sky suddenly is completely clouded over.
There’s lots of thunder and lightning, but no rain. A
There’s a long silence, and then the man speaks: shaft of sunlight streams onto his face. A deep and
“Is there anyone else up there?” exasperated voice says, “Buy a ticket!”

23
We therefore don’t have to wait to see if our will you serene about them? Or do they still
and our lives have ACTUALLY been turned over to bother you in some way?
God—we’ve only DECIDED to do that, but we
· Can you see how wanting things to go your
haven’t as yet done anything to accomplish that!
way is blocking you off from your Higher
So please don’t hang around waiting for some- Power?
thing—just keep on doing the steps!
· Are you ready to make a decision to search
Remember the Big Book’s discussion of Step Two: for a Higher Power by cleaning house and
we are blocked off from our Higher Power deep thus unblocking you from your Higher
down within us. Power? If you are, find an understanding
The Big Book constantly reminds us that “Faith person and say the Step Three Prayer!
without works is dead.” We have to take action, Now let’s rush on to Step Four!
and that action will be cleaning house—Steps Four
through Nine.
Cleaning house will remove those things that block
us from our Higher Power, and the promises of Step
Nine will show us that by that time our will and our
life will have been turned over to our Higher Power!

Questions:
Here are some questions:
· If you look at your frustrations and feelings
about the past, do you see how they arose
because things just didn’t happen your
way?
· Do you see yourself as the actor who wants
to be the director/producer? On page 62,the Big Book says:
· Can you think of situations when you Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly
wanted things to go your way for the best without provocation, but we invariably
of motives? How did you feel when they find that at some time in the past we
didn’t go your way? And how do you feel have made decisions based on self
now about those things? Are they settled which later placed us in a position to
now? Are you serene about them? Or do be hurt.
they still bother you in some way? This is a sentence which can easily be misinter-
· Can you think of situations when you preted as somehow saying that we have brought
wanted things to go your way for motives on or are responsible for our own misfortunes,
which you consider to be self-centered? but I know that’s not the case. If I were abused
How did you feel when they didn’t go your as a child, no one can say (and certainly the Big
way? And how do you feel now about Book wouldn’t say) that I somehow deserved the
those things? Are they settled now? Are abuse; but if I’m grown up now, and that abuse
still hurts me, even if the abuser is dead, then I
have indeed “sometime in the past made deci-
sions based on self which later placed [me] in a
My experience has been that there is no need position to be hurt”!
to add to the Big Book’s approach by bringing
I think that’s all the Big Book is saying. If I live my
in concepts from the AA 12 & 12 (as even Joe
life believing that nothing good has happened to
and Charlie do) or from anywhere else. Many
me, then I will live my life in unhappiness, and
people have achieved recovery quickly and effi-
block myself off from my Higher Power, and
ciently by doing the Step Four inventory the Big
continue to be a compulsive eater. If I can find a
Book way. For more discussion, see page 36.
way to give up my wish to have life go my way,
then I can finally live life as it should be lived!

24
 exactly the same thing with our lives. First, we
Step Four: searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused
I think you’ll find that Step Four the Big Book way is our failure.”
really very simple and very fast, much simpler and This makes clear, I think, that the purpose of the
faster than many of the Step Four methods that are Step Four inventory is NOT to look at BOTH the
popular in OA. good and the bad of our lives, something that many
Last chapter we discussed Step Three. We learned Step Four inventory processes suggest.
that from the Big Book perspective, it is simply No, the purpose of the Big Book way of doing an
making a decision to go on with the Twelve Steps. inventory is solely “to disclose damaged or unsalable
“This was only a beginning,” the Big Book says on goods” (Steps Four and Five) and “to get rid of them
page 63. And it says further, on page 64: “Though promptly and without regret” (Steps Six, Seven,
our decision [Step Three] was a vital and crucial Eight, and Nine).
step, it could have little permanent effect unless AT
ONCE followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to Thus the inventory process is Steps Four through
be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been Nine. This will become significant when we discuss
blocking us.” Step Ten.
In Step Two we learned that our Higher Power, Note that at the end of the discussion of Step Four,
which is deep down within us, was blocked off from the Big Book says that we have made “an inventory
us (“obscured”, the Big Book says) because of of [our] grosser handicaps”. It’s very clear that in
calamities, pomp, and worship of other things (page Step Four we deal with the big problems, and that
55). In Step Three we made a decision to place our we leave the refining for Steps Ten and Eleven. The
will and our lives into the care of our Higher Power. Big Book continues to push us to do the steps
What we have to do now is to be rid of those things quickly so we can reach recovery.
in ourselves which have been blocking us from our
Higher Power. When we get rid of the things that
block us from our Higher Power, we will find that
Overview:
our Higher Power enters into our lives. The task at Let’s start with the overview. The Big Book suggests
hand is to get rid of the blocks. that in Step Three we were “convinced that self,
Step Four BEGINS this process of unblocking. It is manifested in various ways, was what had defeated
NOT, however, the entire process. That process is us” (page 64). The Big Book has three aspects of self
Steps Four through Nine. The Big Book promises that it wants us to look at.
recovery by the end of Step Nine. And by virtue of The first is resentments, and we’ll deal with them in
Steps Ten and Eleven, that process continues this and the next chapter. We will find, I think, that
through our entire lives. a resentment is, in its broadest sense, the concept
That Step Four is not the entire inventory process is that “the past didn’t go my way”.
made clear by the discussion on pages 64 and 65. The second aspect of self, which we’ll deal with the
“Therefore, we STARTED upon a personal inventory. chapter after next, is fear. We will find, I think, that
This was Step Four.” a fear is, in its broadest sense, the concept that “the
The Big Book compares our personal inventory with future won’t go my way”.
a business inventory. It says that the purpose of a The third aspect of self, which we’ll also deal with
business inventory is “to discover the truth about the chapter after next, is sex conduct. We will find,
the stock-in-trade.” In a business inventory, we look I think, that the purpose of dealing with sex conduct
at the good and the bad of our business—what sells is to figure out how we should handle the most
and what doesn’t sell, what’s in good shape and difficult of relationships in order to have good rela-
what’s in bad shape. tionships of every kind.
As the Big Book points out, one of the objects of a So the Big Book’s ordering of Step Four is basically
commercial inventory “is to disclose damaged or dealing with the Past, dealing with the Future, and
unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and then learning how to live in the present with other
without regret.” And the Big Book says, “We did people. It’s very simple and very powerful!

At www.oabigbook.info you can find examples of

filled-out forms which might help you fill out your
forms. You can find these examples in the Appen-
dices to this book as well.
25
 · This program will never work.
Step Four—Resentments:
· I’m fat and ugly and unlovable.
So let’s start with resentments –– what the Big Book
calls “the ‘number one’ offender.” (page 64) · No one understands my pain.
What is a resentment? It is something on our minds Don’t put yourself down––but do put down princi-
that we resent. Now “resentment” is broader than ples about yourself that bother you. That will give
“anger”. It includes anger, but it goes much farther. you true insight into issues relating to you.
Its Latin roots mean “to feel over and over”, and it’s
best described as anything that’s living rent-free in
your mind, things that you regret, things that anger
you or that frustrate you, things that you wish had Filling out the resentment form:
happened or hadn’t happened, the what-ifs or if-
onlys of our lives.
You can consider a resentment as something or COLUMN ONE:
somebody that you’re angry at because it occupies The first instruction is simply to make a list. If you
your mind. In a sense, then, you’re angry at people use the form available on the web site, you’ll see
to whom you’ve done wrongs, because your guilt that each form has room for three names of people
continues to occupy your mind. That sense of or institutions or principles. Since the second
resentment allows you to broaden the concept of column is going to have much more writing on it, if
anger beyond the dictionary definition. you know that a particular name or institution or
In one way or another, a resentment, then, is that principle is going to have a lot of writing in the
what happened in the past just didn’t go your way. second column, you could reserve a whole page for
It’s what we discovered in Step Three—that we that particular item.
want to be in charge, and that life hasn’t gone our Making this list is relatively simple. The question is
way. “what is on your mind right now?” It’s not “what
The first instruction the Big Book gives is to list has been on your mind in the past?” Therefore
“people, institutions or principles with whom we you’re just putting things down that you’re
were angry” (Page 64). It is true that the Big Book conscious of, not things that you think you should
uses the word “angry”. I can only suggest that put down. You may have had some traumatic things
listing people, institutions, or principles that you happen to you but have put them to rest and don’t
resent (or that you are “angry” at because they think about them. If that’s true, why put them
occupy your mind) is very very helpful. down? We’re just putting down what’s affecting us
now.
People are people. You make a list of people who are
living rent-free in your mind. I’ve put down very serious items, like my wife and
my parents and my children, like Hitler and certain
Institutions are institutions—groups of people. politicians and murderers, like ex-girlfriends and the
Principles, however, are not defined in the Big Book man I trusted who lied to me, and very minor things,
and are not easy to define. I find that it’s very like people who don’t spell words correctly or that
helpful to consider “principles” as meaning “ideas person who cut me off at the intersection.
that seem to be true that bother me”. Here are I also put down people I’ve harmed, because I
some examples: continue to think about that harm and feel guilty
about it, and that’s a resentment as well.
· I’ll never get thin.
I have found that if I write my list in an evening I will
· There will always be terrible suffering in
remember some more things in the morning.
this world.
· I can never eat french fries again.
COLUMN TWO:
· Life sucks, and then you die.
The second instruction is to ask “why we were
· People ignore me. angry” (page 64), or what “our injuries” were (page
· I’ll never amount to anything. 65). An example is given at the bottom of page 65
for what we write in this column. We are to write

26
27
28
short and to-the-point description of the various personal, or sex relations, which had been inter-
things that put these people or these institutions or fered with?” (page 65). (You’ll note at the bottom
these principles in our minds. We need to write of page 64, a similar set of categories, but with
only enough so that we know what we are talking “pocketbooks”—wallets or purses—instead of
about. We’re not filling out this second column for “security”.) The resentment form has separate sub-
anyone but ourselves. columns for each one of these concepts. As well,
because the example at the bottom of page 65 has
Let me give some examples.
“fear” in that third column as well, the form has a
Beside Hitler, for example, I can put: separate sub-column for fear.
· responsible for the deaths of millions of Self-esteem means how I feel about myself. Security
people means how safe I feel, including financially safe.
Ambitions means what I want out of life. Personal
· furthered the cause of anti-Semitism relations, sex relations, and fear, are obvious.
· is still a hero to some people So for each one of the “causes” (column two) we put
· created conditions that created problems check-marks where each one of these sub-catego-
for my growing up ries has been affected.

Beside an ex-girlfriend, for example (and this is Using the Hitler example above, for instance:
ONLY an example!), I could put: · responsible for the deaths of millions of people.
· didn’t love me enough Doesn’t affect my self-esteem and sex rela-
tions, does affect my security, my ambi-
· used me tions, and my personal relationships, and is
· I used her associated with fear.

· that one day when . . . · furthered the cause of anti-Semitism. Does

affect my self-esteem, security, ambitions,
· I still think of her personal relationships, and is associated
with fear; doesn’t affect my sex relations.
· if only . . .
· is still a hero to some people. Doesn’t affect
Beside the institution of government, for example, I
my self-esteem, my personal relations, my
could put:
sex relations; does affect my security, my
· doesn’t accomplish anything ambitions, and my fear.
· I don’t get involved enough · created conditions that created problems for
my growing up. . . . etc.
· people are still suffering
Using the “I’ll never be thin” example above, for
Beside the principle of “I’ll never get thin”, for instance:
example, I could put:
· I’ll never be attractive to the opposite sex.
· I’ll never be attractive to the opposite sex Affects my self-esteem, ambitions, personal
· I’ll die early and sex relations and fear; doesn’t affect
my security.
· I’ll waste those pants I’ve been saving for
ten years! · I’ll die early. Doesn’t affect my self-esteem,
personal or sex relations; affects my ambi-
· I don’t want to give up food badly enough tions and fear and security.
You can see the kind of things we fill out in the · I’ll waste those pants I’ve been saving for ten
second column. The object is to have as many years! Affects my security (pocketbooks),
points as possible, but there’s no need to go into but doesn’t affect anything else.
any details on each point.
· I don’t want to give up food badly enough. . . .
COLUMN THREE: etc.
The third instruction is to ask ourselves “Was it our
self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our

30
So you can see that filling out these sub-columns live, we had to be free of anger. The
involves some thinking about each particular point grouch and the brainstorm were not for
in column two and how it is affecting me. us. They may be the dubious luxury of
normal men, but for alcoholics these
The Big Book says about this process: “We went
things are poison. (page 65)
back through our lives. Nothing counted but thor-
oughness and honesty” (page 65). How true those words are! Any life—alcoholic or
compulsive eater or not—which includes deep
I don’t know how long it will take each one of you
resentment tends to futility and unhappiness,
to do this, but it shouldn’t take a very long time.
because we waste time that we could have used for
Even if you end up with 200 names of people and
something else. But for us compulsive eaters, deep
institutions and principles, and even if you put
resentment is absolutely fatal, because “we shut
down four or five points about most of them, and
ourselves off” from our higher power, and we go
ten or twenty points about some of them, that’s not back to eating. We have to be free of
going to take more than a total of ten or fifteen
anger/resentment, that “dubious luxury of normal
hours. Granted, you may want to take some time to
men”.
do this, to think about things, but the object is to
write down what’s on your mind, not what’s lurking As you fill the form out, I think you will begin to see
in your sub-conscious mind. Column one is naming; how brilliant and how deep it is. (I showed it to a
column two is venting; and column three begins an psychiatrist once who was overwhelmed by it.)
analysis.
● First column, we just list on paper things
that are bugging us.
EXAMINING CAREFULLY WHAT WE’VE DONE: ● Second column, we write out why they’re
bugging us.
Now here’s what the Big Book says after we finish
these three columns. “The first thing apparent was ● Third column, we begin to see how the
that this world and its people were often quite things that are bugging us are actually
wrong” (pages 64 to 65). killing us. People who did us wrong
continue to harm us. People we did harm
It is truly an amazing feeling after filling out these
to harm us. Ideas that we have are killing
three columns to see how many check-marks we
us. No wonder we’re blocked off from our
have put down. We begin to see that the most
higher power!
important things about ourselves—how we feel
about ourselves (self-esteem), how safe we feel You can see how this form gives us hope. We’re
(security), how frustrated we feel (ambitions), how moving from the things that BOTHER us to to the
we relate to others (personal relations), how we things that are BLOCKING us from our higher power!
relate sexually to others (sex relations), and how There’s hope just around the corner! As the Big
fearful we are—are being controlled by other Book says at page 65, this list holds “the key to the
people and institutions and abstract concepts. No future”!
wonder we’re not happy. And no wonder we eat.
The Big Book says:
Questions:
It is plain that a life which includes deep
resentment leads only to futility and Here are some questions. The whole of Step Four is
unhappiness. To the precise extent that answering questions, of course.
we permit these, do we squander the · What’s on your mind that’s bugging you?
hours that might have been worth while.
But with the alcoholic, whose hope is · Are the reasons that these things are both-
the maintenance and growth of a spiri- ering you affecting much of your life? Do
tual experience, this business of resent- they affect how you feel about yourself,
ment is infinitely grave. We found that it how safe you feel, how frustrated you feel,
is fatal. For when harboring such feel- how good or bad your relations (personal
ings we shut ourselves off from the or sexual) are, and how full of fear you are?
sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of
· Can you see that these things are blocking
alcohol returns and we drink again. And
with us, to drink is to die. If we were to you from the sunlight of the spirit?

31
 come our resentments against them, we will not be
Resentments Continued: able to see our part, our flaws.
Last chapter I discussed the first three columns of Here the Big Book gives very cryptic but clear
the resentment form. These are the columns actu- instructions:
ally depicted on page 65 of the Big Book. Many
people (including me for the first six years in the This was our course: We realized that
program) assumed that those three columns are the the people who wronged us were
only columns in the resentment form. perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did
not like their symptoms and the way
In fact, there is a fourth column, and it turns out that these disturbed us, they, like ourselves,
this fourth column is the most important one of all! were sick too. We asked God to help us
The first three columns are actually simply PREPA- show them the same tolerance, pity,
RATIONS for the fourth column. and patience that we would cheerfully
grant a sick friend. (pages 65-66)
The essential Fourth Column: What does it mean to say that the people who
wronged us were, “like ourselves”, also sick? What
Let’s remember that the purpose of Step Four is to
is a spiritual sickness?
identify those parts of ourselves which are blocking
us from our higher power. We have decided, in Step
Three, to turn our will and our lives over to the care How do we treat people as spiritu-
of God as we understand God. That decision means ally sick?
that we have to discover what defects of character
block us from our higher power. The fourth column We excuse people all the time. We understand it
of the resentment form is in fact our analysis of and often instantly forgive people who have neuro-
those defects of character. logical disorders (like Tourette’s Syndrome) or brain
tumours, or who are in constant pain, if they snap at
us or insult us. We realize that it isn’t really their
Dealing with things that bother fault. Things are going on inside them that make
us: their reactions to life beyond their control. If I were
in constant pain, I think I’d be pretty grouchy most
But before we can look at our defects of character,
of the time.
we have to deal with all the things that bother
us—those aspects of the past that haven’t gone our Can we not look at people who have wronged us as
way. being in spiritual pain? Let’s look at the history of
the people who have wronged us. Can we not see
The check-marks in the third column are very effec-
somewhere in their upbringing, or in their life expe-
tive graphic representations of our paralysis. And
riences, or in how they relate to other people, that
they help us to convince ourselves that the things in
they are sick?
our past which bother us—our resentments—have
the power to kill us, because so long as we felt our How many people who have committed sexual or
resentments, the third column showed us that we physical violence were themselves recipients of
felt badly about ourselves (self-esteem), we felt abuse? How many “bad” parents were themselves
unsafe (security), we felt thwarted and frustrated the product of “bad” parenting? Don’t many people
(ambitions), our personal and sex relations were do bad things for reasons which they think are
deeply affected, and we were full of fear. How could valid? Isn’t there a sickness to be seen in those
we live life positively if these very deep emotions people?
were being controlled by how we feel about the
And what right do I have to be righteous? Haven’t
past?
I done bad things for reasons which I thought were
The Big Book tells us that we should go back to our valid? Maybe not as bad as these people, but in
list, “for it [holds] the key to the future” (page 65). reality, they’re not so much worse than I am.
If we can master our resentments, then we can look
Page 552 (third and fourth edition) of the Big Book
at our own flaws.
contains a suggestion for dealing with resentments
Our biggest problem is, of course, with people who we find overwhelmingly difficult to overcome. The
have wronged us, people who have done things suggestion is that we pray for those we resent that
which we wish they hadn’t done. If we can’t over- “everything you want for yourself be given to

32
them—their health, their prosperity, their happi- By definition that’s a spiritual sickness! If I’m willing
ness”; that we do this whether we want to or not. to understand myself, then I have to be willing to
understand others.
The amazing thing about this suggestion is that it
requires us first of all to figure out what we want for So these few sentences from the bottom of page 66
ourselves. When I did this, I realized that what I to the top of page 67 really helped change my
really wanted for my self was serenity, a sense of attitudes to people who had been controlling my
usefulness, an ability to love and to be loved. life because of the things they had done to me or to
my loved ones or to humanity in general. I was able
And when I prayed for the people I hated, some-
to look at them as extremely damaged people, and
thing hit me in the face—that wonderful blinding
to feel pity and sadness for them. In effect, they had
flash of the obvious!—and that was that none of the
become “beneath contempt”.
people I hated were serene, were useful, or were
able to love and to be loved. They led lives based Moreover I began to see something that will
on fear or mistrust of other people. They were cruel become extremely important for the fourth column
or dishonest or hurt others (including me). How of this resentment form. If I accept that the more
could they ever have serenity? How could they ever harm they did to me or others, the more harm they
be useful? How could they ever love or be loved? did to themselves, then I am forced to accept that
Even if they thought they were happy, they were allowing them to continue to do harm allowed them
living superficial and sad lives. to do harm to themselves. Thus I began to get an
insight into the character defect of dishonesty,
Thus the more harm they did in this world, the more
which I’ll talk about in a few paragraphs.
they cut themselves off from the sunlight of the
spirit, the less human they became, the more harm So we look at these people (column one), “their
they did to themselves. symptoms” (column two), “and the way these
disturbed us” (column three). We find that these
That is spiritual sickness. That is pitiful. I began not
people were sick too. And we’re given a prayer to
to hate them but to pity them. Certainly I hated
say. “We asked God to help us show them the same
what they had done, not simply to me but to others.
tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheer-
But I saw that every wrong move they made, every
fully grant a sick friend.” There’s the prayer: “God,
hurt they created, was a nail in their own coffin as
please help me show ______ the same tolerance,
well. They did harm to themselves by doing harm
pity, and patience, that I would cheerfully grant a
to others.
sick friend.”
I was thus able to deal with such difficult people on
my list as Hitler and others who have been respon-
sible for horrible deeds in this world. By the time
Our four defects of character:
they committed all those deeds, they had rendered Now that we have said that prayer about each
themselves so sub-human that it seemed impossible person on our list who has harmed us or others,
for them ever to regain their humanity. The things
they did were horrible; and the “things” they
became were horrible too. You can’t blame a dog
or a cat for doing damage in your house. And these On page 67, after providing the instructions for
people were more like animals (not that I’m saying Step Four, the Big Book goes on to suggest ways
that dogs or cats could do what these people did!) in which we deal with people who bother us in
than like humans. the future:

As well, I was and am willing to admit that I am not “When a person offended [the original manu-
perfect! I clearly have a spiritual sickness—the Big script actually said “next offended”] we said to
Book has convinced me of that. That spiritual sick- ourselves, ‘This is a sick man. How can I be
ness consists at the very least of my wish to be in helpful to him? God save me from being angry.
charge of life, and my everlasting frustration that life Thy will be done.’”
hasn’t gone my way and is likely never to go my way. As well, the Big Book suggests ways of dealing
with these people in the future—avoiding retali-
ation or argument. Neither this prayer nor these
The author of the story “Freedom from Bondage”, suggestions are part of the Step Four instruc-
where the page 552 resentment prayer is found, tions. They are guides to living.
gives credit in a talk she gave in 1973 in Oxnard,
California, to an article in Liberty providing a con-
densation of Norman Vincent Peale’s book, A
Guide to Confident Living.
33
we’re ready to look at our own mistakes. Here are SELFISH:
the Big Book’s instructions (page 67):
Selfish has already been defined very broadly by the
Referring to our list again. Putting out of Big Book in its discussion of Step Three. Selfish
our minds the wrongs others had done, means not only what the dictionary says it means—
we resolutely looked for our own wanting things my way for my own purposes or
mistakes. Where had we been selfish, comfort—but it also means something broader than
dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? that. It means wanting things my way period,
Though a situation had not been entirely regardless of my motives. (See the discussion of
our fault, we tried to disregard the other Step Three for more details.)
person involved entirely. Where were
we to blame? DISHONEST:

So the instructions on the form are pretty literal. To Dishonest certainly means telling untruths, lying,
put out of our minds the wrongs others had done, defrauding, deceiving. And the recipient of the
we fold the paper over to cover columns two and dishonesty isn’t always another person. It can be
three, leaving us with columns one and four. me! I can be fooling myself about reality.

Covering up columns two and three: Beyond that, for a people-pleaser like me, another
aspect of dishonesty is “not telling the truth when
Why do we cover up columns two and three? the truth should be told”. If I continued in a rela-
It’s not simply because the Big Book tells us to put tionship, for instance, in which harm was being
out of our minds the wrongs others have done us, done to me (and I’ve been in some destructive
and that’s what’s in columns two and three—at least relationships, although nothing even close to the
for those people who have done us wrong. kind of abuse I’ve heard described in the rooms of
OA), or if I’ve seen injustices being done and said
It’s because we must now focus on where we were nothing (and that’s happened much more often), am
at fault. That requires a look at the entire relation- I not being dishonest by not speaking the truth, by
ship between those people, principles, and institu- not saying, “Wait a minute, this is wrong!”?
tions listed in column one and ourselves. What
columns two and three represent is not the entire There may be understandable reasons for doing
relationship, but simply the particular issues that this, but isn’t that a character flaw; and isn’t that
came to mind when we started upon our inventory. ultimately dishonesty too?

Now that we’ve been able to accept those who have So there are three kinds of dishonesty: telling
wronged us as spiritually sick, now that we’re untruths to others, telling untruths to myself, and
focusing on our own contributions to the problems, not telling the truth when the truth should be told.
we are entering a new way of looking at things. SELF-SEEKING:
That requires us to cover up columns two and three.
Self-seeking is more difficult to define. The Big Book
We don’t forget about the matters that might have rarely uses it. A dictionary will use the word
appeared in columns two and three. Very often— “selfish” to describe “self-seeking”, which isn’t really
but not always—those matters will surface in helpful to us. My best understanding of the word
column four. Sometimes, however, those matters comes from breaking it down: “Seeking my self” in
will have disappeared and completely new and others. It’s like self-esteem. How does this person,
striking insights will surface. institution, or principle in column one define how I
So we cover up columns two and three and then feel about myself?
look at the people, institutions, and principles, on We can also understand it by asking whether with
our lists (column one) and ask ourselves four simple this person or principle or institution it was all
questions: Where have I been selfish? Where have about us or whether it was about the other. In that
I been dishonest? Where have I been self-seeking? context, self-seeking is putting our sense of selves
Where have I been frightened? forward. It’s also not being considerate of others,
because we’re thinking of ourselves.
Definitions: I’ve found those concepts to be very helpful ques-
tions to ask, so that’s how I interpret the word
What do these words mean? This is the best I’ve
“self-seeking”.
come up with.

34
FRIGHTENED: Self-seeking: And self-seeking? Wow. I have let so
many people and situations define how I feel about
Frightened asks us how and why we felt any fear in
myself. I have sought after a definition of myself in
relation to the people, institutions, or principles in
others. If you like me, then maybe I’m likable. If you
column one.
don’t like me, then you’re probably really smart,
Those are the four character defects the Big Book because you can see below the surface. One bad
discloses with respect to resentments. We’ll see that evaluation out of a hundred is the one that I focus on.
no more are added by the fear and sex conduct parts
Fear: And full of fear! Afraid that people will find out
of Step Four. We can see now that these four char-
what I’ve done. Afraid that people won’t respect or
acter defects completely define our problem.
like or admire me. Afraid that I won’t get what I
want. Afraid I’ll lose what I have. Afraid of
Applying the definitions: confronting someone. Afraid for my life.
Selfish: I’m selfish. At the very least, I wish the It’s worth mulling over all these ideas and applying
people, institutions, or principles that I set out in them to your situation.
column one just didn’t exist or hadn’t happened or
hadn’t done to me what they did or I didn’t do what How the Steps give us back our
I did to them. I just wish the past was different. I
wish people hadn’t died or got sick. I wish people lives:
didn’t suffer as they’re suffer. I wish the world were One (inaccurate) criticism of Twelve Step programs
a better place. That’s selfish, the Big Book way—I that we hear a lot is that the Twelve Steps teach us
want my way rather than what is. But I will also find that it’s all in our attitude, that we are to blame for
that there is much of me that is selfish the dictionary misfortunes that happen to us. I don’t think that’s
way. I wish that the people, institutions, or princi- true at all.
ples in column one hadn’t happened because of the
pain or the humiliation or the lack of security or the The Twelve Steps certainly provide us a way of
bad relationships or the bitterness or the guilt or the getting out of being a victim. But they also, through
. . . .—in other words, I wish that these things hadn’t their emphasis on rigorous honesty, teach us that we
happened because they don’t make me feel good. must be honest in our dealings with others.
And I wish that the people, institutions, or principles That means that we say to people that what they’re
in column one would be different so I could feel doing is wrong; and we say that not just because they
happier, so I could be acknowledged as the great may be hurting us or others, but because they’re
person I really am, so I could make lots of money, so hurting THEMSELVES! It’s our duty to tell the truth
I could buy things for my own comfort, so I . . . when the truth should be told.
Dishonest:I’m dishonest. I haven’t accepted that Although I have never suffered the kind of abuse that
some people aren’t capable of acting any differently other OAers have suffered, I have had the privilege of
than the way they did. I don’t speak up when I sponsoring a number of people who have suffered
should for fear of hurting people’s feelings. I haven’t tremendous abuse, sexual and physical, both as chil-
left relationships that were harming both myself and dren and as adults. They have all confirmed the
the person who was harming me because I thought I concepts contained in this discussion of Step Four.
could change the person (as if I were in control!). I
have told stories about other people (gossiped) As children, most of them were, of course, silent. Or
because I wanted people to like me and not to like as abused spouses they kept in the relationship far
them, or not to have good feelings about them. And longer than they should have. They don’t look at the
I have also told untruths to myself, persuading myself past with guilt and beat themselves up for not having
that the past could be different, that certain people spoken up earlier. (As children, they might not have
could change if I only did this or that, that somehow been believed anyway!)
people who did me harm were conscious of what They simply look at the past as something for them
they were doing or were really making rational to learn from, so that they won’t be victims again.
choices instead of just doing what they learned from And their “amend” ultimately turns out to be some-
their own sad experiences. And I have also told thing positive, sometimes a change in themselves
untruths to others. and their approach to problems in the future, some-
times disclosing things that they feel should have
been disclosed. But they become different people as

35
a result, and that is what the steps are all about. · Are you able to look at people who have
We’ll talk more about that when we discuss Steps harmed you as spiritually sick? In what
Eight and Nine. way?
I hope you can see how freeing this approach to · If you’re trying page 552, exactly what do
resentments is. you want out of your life? What would you
like for yourself?
Overview: · Do those people who have harmed you
have anything like what you want to have
In column one we start by just listing them. This
for yourself?
serves a useful purpose. We get things out of our
minds and onto a paper; this in itself will at times · Do you see your selfishness, dishonesty,
get rid of the resentment. self-seeking, and fear? What patterns do
you see in your relationships with others in
Then in column two we list all the particulars about
that regard?
why they’re on our mind, and we thus get to analyze
what exactly is going on; that in itself yields inter- · Do you see how these four character
esting results. Sometimes when we put this down defects are blocking you off from the
on paper, we realize how some of the reasons are sunlight of the spirit?
silly, and they begin to leave us.
Then in column three we see how all those things
that bother us are affecting us to the core—how we Those of you aware of Joe and Charlie, the AA Big Book
feel about ourselves, how safe we feel, how frus- scholars and experts, will see some differences between
trated we are, how our personal and sex relations the Step 4 described here and their suggested Step 4.
are suffering, how full of fear we are. The check- They acknowledge that they go beyond the Big Book’s
marks are graphic illustrations of how we are instructions and incorporate ideas from AA’s 12 & 12.
completely enslaved to our reaction to life!
Joe and Charlie define “resentment” almost wholly in
These first three columns show us why we are in the terms of anger, and therefore their resentments list does
grip of compulsive eating. How could we possibly not contain things that would be on a resentment list if
think we could be so sane as to remember you accept, as I’ve been taught, that a resentment is
constantly that we can’t eat certain foods? No, something I wish were not on my mind—a much broader
we’re just full of frustration and self-pity, and that’s concept.
what’s killing us. As long as we’re filled with frustra-
Thus Joe and Charlie have a fourth form––harm done to
tion and self-pity, our minds can’t be clear.
others––because using their definition of resentment,
We need to be full of a higher power, but instead all the harm I have done to others wouldn’t be a resentment.
these things that we resent have become a higher
My experience has been that if you use a broader under-
power to us. We have to be rid of them.
standing of resentments, you don’t require a fourth form.
We have to deal with those people who have done
There’s another aspect as well. The Resentment form
us harm. We do that by understanding their own
isolates our four main character defects––selfishness,
sickness and praying to give them the same toler-
dishonesty, self-seeking, and fear. The Fear and Sex
ance, pity, and patience we would cheerfully grant a
Conduct forms begin with those defects and bring us to
sick friend.
another level––how to act properly. The Fear form asks
Now, in column four, we’re finally ready to look at us what God would have us be in relation to our fears.
our own part. We analyze each one of the people, The Sex Conduct Form deals with selfishness and dis-
institutions, or principles we resent in light of our honesty (and with self-seeking as being inconsiderate of
own character defects. And we begin to see tremen- others) in particular relationships and asks us what we
dous patterns that have clearly affected us and our should have done instead in order to act properly from
lives. We begin to see how we have harmed other now on.
people, EVEN those who have harmed us. We begin
The Big Book’s approach to fears and sex conduct, there-
to see where we could change!
fore, is quite different from Joe and Charlie’s approach.
Not to say that it’s better or worse, but I think it’s
Questions: important to show the differences. My experience is that
if you do Step 4 as honestly as you can, it doesn’t matter
So some questions: HOW you do it!
· Are you spiritually sick? How?

36
 Column Two:
Then the Big Book says “We asked ourselves why we
Step Four—Fears: had them.” (page 68) So I asked myself why I had
each fear. I did this in point form. It was fascinating
If resentments are basically “The past didn’t go my and instructive. To figure out WHY I had a partic-
way”, then fears are basically “The future won’t go ular fear meant I had to analyze it.
my way.” You cannot feel fear about something that
has happened in the past. Fear is always an emotion That’s column two. I fill out all of column two before
that comes from imagining what will happen and I go on to column three.
not wanting that to happen. Why have I been afraid of death, for instance? Not
The Big Book at page 67 says that fear “somehow simply because of annihilation, but also because of
touches about every aspect of our lives. It set in concern for those I’m leaving behind, concern about
motion trains of circumstances which brought us pain before death, concern about the unknown,
misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve.” curiosity for what will happen afterwards. Each one
of these things tells me a great deal about myself.
The instructions are pretty clear, and the form
If I have to tell a friend something that I don’t want
makes them even clearer.
to tell but feel that I should, my fear is not simply
that I will lose a friend, but they’re also that I may
Filling out the Fear Form: be wrong, that my friend will suffer, that I’ll be
misunderstood, that others may hate me.
First “we put them on paper, even though we had
no resentment in connection with them” (68). If I worry about my daughter’s future, my fear is not
simply that she won’t be happy, but (as I’m honest
with myself) that I may feel forced to support her,
Column One: that I won’t have grandchildren, that her fate may
somehow make me look like a bad parent.
So we set out all the fears we have, including those
we discovered in the resentment form, both in So the more honest I am in the analysis, the more I
column 3 (where we asked whether fear was discover that some of my reasons for fear are quite
involved) and in column 4 (where we asked understandable, and some are quite self-seeking
ourselves where we were frightened), as well as and selfish, and some are simply stupid! This is in
fears that didn’t make it to the resentment list itself a learning experience.
because we didn’t think about them all the time.
Columns Three and Four:
I have put down some standard fears—fears of
But the Big Book has more instructions.
death, of pain, of financial insecurity, of something
bad happening to loved ones, of not being happy, of It asks us to acknowledge that “self-reliance failed
not losing weight—and fears relating to individuals us” and that “we are now on a different basis; the
on my resentment list—fear of telling someone basis of trusting and relying upon God.” (page 68)
something that should be said, fear of following
The form does this by setting out two questions.
through on a particular decision that might affect
others, fear of political conflict or social or Column three is whether we were placing our trust
economic or geographic disasters. I’ve put down all and reliance upon infinite God or our finite selves.
kinds of fears. I simply listed them, nothing more. Hmmmm. I wonder what the answer to that is
going to be? We put a checkmark under “My finite
That’s column one. I fill out all of column one before
self” for each of the fears we have. I fill out column
I go on to column two.
three for each of my fears before going on to
column four.
Column four is whether relying on ourselves worked.
Hmmmm. Wonder what that answer is too? Of
course it didn’t work. If it did work, I wouldn’t have
these fears! We put a checkmark under “No” for
each of the fears we have. I fill out column four for
each of the fears before going on to column five.

37
 If I undertook a risky task, for instance, I would start
Column Five: off with a reasonable fear that I might fall and hurt
myself. But that would be accompanied by other
Now comes column five. The Big Book says: “We ask unreasonable fears that accompany my fear of
Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to hurting myself—for instance that when I fell, my
what He would have us be.” Here is the simple head would hit a jutting out spike and render me
prayer, and column four just provides us with a box completely brain-dead, and my wife and my children
to check that we’ve said it: “God, please remove my would go to ruin taking care of me, and then they
fear of _______, and direct my attention to what would fall into deep depressions and end up
you would have me be.” committing suicide, and so on and so on. You know
what it can be like when we dwell on the worst!

Column Six: So I would be able to separate the reasonable from

the unreasonable fears. In so doing, I would then be
And column six requires us to put down what we in the position, when I prayed to know what my
think that God would have us be. This requires higher power would have me be, in taking my
some meditation, and the meditation will yield reasonable fear of falling and balancing that against
great rewards! the importance of doing whatever the task might
This is a brilliant prayer. Note it’s not “what you be.
would have me do”, but “what you would have me Assuming that it was important to undertake that
be”. Here we are getting an insight into ourselves. task, the answer to the question, “What would God
It’s not a question of action (what God would have have me be?” would be to be a person who takes
me do); it’s almost always a matter of attitude (what significant precaution and care, but who resolutely
God would have me be) which may or may not result undertakes the task because it must be performed.
in action.
On the other hand, my prayer might be answered by
The answer is very often “to be the best I can be a realization that I should be a person who doesn’t
under the circumstances”—to be the best father, to undertake unimportant tasks that risk my health!
be the best friend, maybe even simply to BE rather
than to worry or spend my time thinking about So fears become things we accept and take into
useless fears. Or it could be as simple as “to be a account in figuring out what we should be and do.
person who doesn’t worry about these things”! No wonder the Big Book promises that “at once, we
Whatever it turns out to be, you get a real sense of commence to outgrow fear”. You will be amazed by
purpose and direction, which in turn relieves you of how simply this form deals with our fears.
fear. And that is the promise we’re given at page 68: Fear is one of the four character defects isolated by
“At once, we commence to outgrow fear.” the Resentment Form. We have now outgrown one
of our character defects. The Sex Conduct Form will
Overview: now show us how to live our lives without the other
three character defects.
Fear destroys and paralyzes us and keeps us from
being the best we can be. Concentrating on and
saying the prayer shows us the nature of an amends
to be made by helping us focus on the future in the
most constructive, rather than destructive way.
We have been able through this form to separate
the reasonable fears from the silly ones. This in
itself provides the springboard for removing even
the reasonable fears. We REPLACE those fears with
acceptance, which is then followed by a sense of
direction. Given this reasonable concern, what is
the BEST I can make of it? What would my higher
power have me be?

38
 So if we could figure out what we did wrong in some
Step Four—Sex Conduct: of our most complex relationships, and know what
If resentments are “the past didn’t go my way” and we should have done, then we have a guide to
fears are “the future won’t go my way”, then why acting in ALL of our relationships, even with
does the Big Book discuss Sex Conduct next? I think acquaintances or friends. That’s why I think the Big
there’s a simple answer. Book talks about Sex Conduct. If we’ve dealt with
the past in the Resentment Inventory and the future
The true purpose, the Big Book tells us, of the Sex in the Fear Inventory, it’s now time to learn how to
Conduct Inventory is to try “to shape a sane and live in the present. To live in the present requires
sound ideal for our future sex life.” (page 69)
us to know how to have real and honest relation-
The purpose of the Sex Conduct Inventory, there- ships with people. To have real and honest relation-
fore, is not to deal with our past sex conduct issues. ships with people, we examine those relationships
We’ve dealt with them, if they bother us, under we’ve had which were most difficult and learn what
resentments. Nor is its purpose to deal with any sex to do better in the future.
conduct issues we’re worried about in the future.
With that introduction, we go to the instructions in
We’ve dealt with them, if they bother us, under the Big Book, which are all found on page 69. The
fears. Big Book points out that “we all have sex problems.
The purpose of the Sex Conduct Inventory is to We’d hardly be human if we didn’t. What can we do
figure out how to have a sound relationship right about them.” Here are the instructions: “We
now, in the present, by analyzing out what we did reviewed our own conduct over the years past.
wrong in the past and what we should do in the Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsid-
future, and to deal with the remaining three char- erate? Whom had we hurt?”
acter defects of selfishness, dishonest, and self-
seeking (inconsiderateness) by helping us under-
stand from our past mistakes how we can have
Filling out the Sex Conduct Form:
relationships that are unselfish, honest, and consid- You will see on the form that there is a column for
erate. writing down “whom had we hurt”, and good advice
is simply to fill that first column out first. I listed my
Another key to understanding the Sex Conduct
wife, of course, and many, but not all, of my ex-
Inventory is to understand the meaning of that
girlfriends, and a friend I jokingly flirted with, and
phrase. Back in 1939, “sex” did not simply refer to
someone to whom I was strangely attracted but had
physical sexual activity. It had a broader meaning.
no real interest in and was very awkward around .
It referred to relationships in which there was some
physical attraction, but not necessarily the physical Then the second column is where we write where we
activity we now call “sex”. had been, in relation to the person we put down,
“selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate”. Selfish and
If we look at the most complex relationships we’ve
dishonest retain their meanings, I think, from the
ever had, we will invariably find that (aside from
resentment inventory—“wanting my way” for
family) among those relationships were ones in
selfish and “not telling the truth when the truth
which there was some physical attraction between
should be told, or telling falsehood to others or
us and the other person, and the physical attraction
myself” for dishonest. (Note that we’re starting
was probably unbalanced—one of the two was
where the Resentment form ended.) Inconsiderate is
more attracted than the other. Our physical desires
simply not thinking of the other person’s feelings or
can easily overpower any kind of good thinking, as
interests – being self-seeking.
many of us have experienced.
Then the Big Book asks, “Did we unjustifiably arouse
(Just an aside here. Although we often hear that
jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?” That’s the third
men generally want physical sex more than women,
column, and we fill that out for every person on the
my experience in talking to so many women in OA
list. I find that I don’t always check any of those
is that many OAers—whether men or women—
boxes, but I do consider the question carefully each
want physical sex more than their significant others.
time.
It’s an aspect of “wanting everything on the plate”,
just a general hunger for things. Of course, there Then the Big Book asks, “Where were we at fault,
are quite significant exceptions to this generaliza- what should we have done instead?” So that is the
tion.) fourth column—what I should have done instead.

39
And we fill that out for every person on the list.
Patterns immediately emerge. For most of my past
relationships, for example, the answer was pretty
consistent: I stayed in the relationship longer than
was healthy for both me and my ex-girlfriends, and
I should have left it earlier on and in a more honest
way. For my wife the answer is that I have thought
of my own interests, and that I should always love
her more and think of her needs more. For the
friend I flirted with, I was hurting her and her
husband, and I should simply stop flirting with her.
For the person I was awkward around, I deprived
her of a potential friend.
The Big Book says, “In this way we tried to shape a
sane and sound ideal for our future sex life.”
THAT’S the whole point of this exercise—to know
what we did that was wrong, and to know what we
should have done instead.
Then the Big Book says, “We subjected each relation
to this test—was it selfish or not?” And that’s the
fifth column. Again, selfish has to be looked at in the
broad sense that was discussed in Step Three. We
check that out for every relationship.
And then we have the Sex Prayer and the Sex Medi-
tation. The Sex Prayer is: “God, please mold my
ideals and help me to live up to them.” The Sex
Meditation is: “God, what should I do about each
specific matter.” And we say that prayer and that
meditation for every person on the list. The Big
Book promises us: “The right answer will come, if
we want it.”
This is a pretty simple form, but it’s a very powerful
one. We can now extrapolate from our most diffi-
cult relationships to all other relationships. We find
that our basic approach has to be loving and
tolerant and giving; we find that we can’t assume
too much about other people’s intentions or
actions; we find, in short, that in some of our most
difficult relationships often the greatest barrier has
been ourselves.
We have also learned from our mistakes in past
relationships how to have relationships without the
character defects of selfishness, dishonesty, and
self-seeking. Thus we have now dealt with all four
character defects through the Fear and Sex Conduct
Forms, and we see how we can live our lives without
those character defects!

40
Step Four: Conclusion: checklist for us to see if we have done a good Step
Four:
We have now completed our Step Four Inventory
from the Big Book’s perspective. If we have been thorough about our
personal inventory, we have written
It was pretty simple. We filled out some simple down a lot. We have listed and analyzed
forms and learned a lot about ourselves. No matter our resentments. We have begun to
how many people, institutions, or principles appear comprehend their futility and their
on our resentment form; no matter how many fears fatality. We have commenced to see
appear on our fear forms; no matter how many their terrible destructiveness. We have
people appear on our sex conduct forms; it doesn’t begun to learn tolerance, patience and
take a very long time to fill them out. good will toward all men, even our
enemies, for we look on them as sick
The total amount of writing probably would never people. We have listed the people we
exceed 20 hours, and is probably more like 10 have hurt by our conduct, and are willing
hours; but it’s probable that you would space those to straighten out the past if we can.
hours out over a few weeks. But if you haven’t
completed the forms within about six weeks, then
either you are incredibly busy with emergency Questions:
issues (because doing Step Four has to be a major
Now some questions:
priority—if you don’t do it and finish the steps, you
will relapse, and to relapse is to die!), or you’re · Do your fears prevent you from thinking
procrastinating. clearly?
This isn’t the place to compare this method of doing · Do your fears sometimes get you into more
Step Four with others; and if you’ve found a trouble rather than less?
different method that works for you, then there’s no
reason other than curiosity to try this one. But if · Take an example of a fear that appears to
doing Step Four has been such a difficult task for be reasonable (fear of wandering around in
you because your current method or your sponsor’s a dangerous part of town, for instance) and
method of doing Step Four has you writing for set out the reasons you have that fear. Did
weeks and months and years, then this might be any of your reasons for having that fear
worth trying. I have certainly never found it to be turn out to be unreasonable or self-serving?
anything less than overwhelming. And it’s always · Take an example of a fear that appears to
short! be unreasonable (sudden illness of a
The advice of my first sponsor has stayed with me: cautious healthy loved one, for instance)
“Just finish it! It’ll never be perfect. So just get this and set out the reasons you have that fear.
one done so you can recover! After you recover, Did any of your reasons for having that fear
then you can do more and get more insight. turn out to be reasonable?

Note that on page 71 the Big Book suggests that · What would your higher power have you
Step Four is simply making “an inventory of your be in relation to those two fears?
GROSSER handicaps”. Now grosser in this context · Have your most difficult relationships been
doesn’t mean “ewwww”; it simply means “cruder” those in which there has been an imbalance
or “bigger”. Step Four is about identifying the BIG of physical attraction?
character defects. Refining things comes later on,
in Step Ten, after we have recovered. · Have any of those relationships affected
your ability to have relationships with
So just get the form done! If necessary, make an other people even when there has been no
appointment to do Step Five just to give you the issue of physical attraction?
impetus to finish Step Four.
· Take an example of such a relationship and
set where you were selfish, dishonest, and
The Step Four promises: inconsiderate.
The Big Book gives us promises on page 70. They’re · What should you have done instead?
not overwhelming ones, but they do serve as a

41
 I’ll be discussing Steps Eight and Nine together
since they go best together.

Steps Five, Six, and Seven

in one day!
Step Five:
You may ask how we can discuss three steps in one
chapter? The reason is that the Big Book actually The Big Book discusses Step Five from pages 71 to
has us do Steps Five, Six, Seven, and even Eight, on 75.
the same day.
If you look at the history of the Twelve Steps, you Why?
will find that before the Big Book was written there
were only six steps—the equivalents of Steps One, Pages 71 and 72 are taken up with discussing WHY
Four, Five, Nine, Eleven, and Twelve. Naturally the we have to do Step Five.
six steps were handed down from one AAer to The answer is ultimately pretty simple: “If we skip
another, and there were a lot of unspoken parts to this vital step, we may not overcome drinking
each of the steps. Bill Wilson added the other six [compulsive eating].” (page 72) The Big Book
steps because the Big Book was going to be read by explains this in some detail. It is important, it says,
people who had no one from AA to help them in completing our housecleaning. If, as we found in
through the steps, and he wanted to make certain Steps Three and Four, our problem is one of ego, of
that there were no loopholes. So Steps Two, Three, self-will, then we have to learn humility—that we
Six, Seven, Eight, and Ten, were added. But the aren’t and can’t be in charge of our own life, let
essence of the steps was contained in the original alone the world. People, they say, who don’t do
six steps. (You can see this from page 263 of the 4th Step Five, “had not learned enough of humility,
edition [292 3rd edition], and from the AA publica- fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it
tions AA Comes of Age and Pass It On. I also discuss necessary, until they told someone else ALL their life
it in more detail in the Chapter on Step Three.) story.” (page 73) We live, they say, a double life in
which we pretend to be someone we’re not. “We
We’re used to spending a great deal of time and
must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect
effort thinking about Steps Six and Seven because
to live long or happily in this world.” (pages 73-74)
we read the steps as being equal and we have two
Page 74 deals with choosing the person we will
major pieces of literature—the OA 12 & 12 and the
share our story with.
AA 12 & 12 giving equal number of pages to each
step. And if doing that works for you, then I do not Aside from the very basic notion of “confession is
suggest making any changes. good for the soul”, there are other good reasons as
I have, however, met many people who have bogged well, not listed in the Big Book. We find that we
down at Step Six because they don’t feel that they aren’t alone––that the person with whom we’re
sharing understands us and can probably match
are really really ready to have a particular character
every one of our actions with one of his or her own.
defect removed, and/or have bogged down at Step
And we also get insight and feedback that might
Seven because they keep waiting for their character
help us understand ourselves––neither taking
defects to be removed BEFORE they go on to Steps
ourselves too lightly or too seriously.
Eight and Nine.
The Big Book’s approach is clearly different, and I
recommend it to you if you’re having trouble doing Who?
the steps using other methods, or if you just want a We must remember that the Big Book was
quick and powerful way of recovering form compul- published when there were no more than one
sive eating. hundred AAers in the entire world, so the Big Book
The Big Book’s approach is very simple. In Steps tells us how to find someone. Later on, in the
Four and Five we identify the character defects that chapter Working With Others, the Big Book tells us
block us from our higher power. In Steps Six and that once we have recovered, we can sponsor
Seven we acknowledge our readiness to have those people and be the person with whom they do a Step
defects removed. And the defects are removed Five (see page 96).
through the actions taken in Steps Eight and Nine.

42
The criteria are simple: “It is important that he be my entire life, and how I have created virtually
able to keep a confidence; that he fully understand identical patterns in so many different situations,
and approve what we are driving at; that he will not and so many different people. I am able, at times to
try to change our plan” (pages 74-75). say, “Well, these next three people on the list are
exactly the same, so I can take them all together.”
I have found that doing my Step Five with an OAer
has been tremendously powerful. OAers under- Note that we spend no time in talking about the
stand me. Not only do they fulfill the above criteria, wrongs that others have done to us. This is NOT an
but they also perform another important function: opportunity for venting. We are working on what’s
they are able to say, “I’m just like you.” Not only wrong with us. We might identify some wrongs the
have I learned humility, but I have found out that I others have done in brief in order to assist the
am not alone. OAers or other Twelve-Steppers can person listening to our Step Five to give us some
give us that extra ingredient which is so helpful for feedback, but if we spend too much time identifying
us isolated and self-pitying selves. those wrongs, then aren’t we really taking the inven-
tory of the other people and not of ourselves?
How? Then I take the Step Four Fear form and read it
across the columns. “Here is one fear [column one],
The Big Book then gives us instructions for meeting here are the reasons I have it [column two], I placed
with the person to whom we tell our story: “We my trust and reliance upon my finite self [column
explain to our partner what we are about to do and three] and it didn’t work [column four], and I said
why we have to do it. He should realize that we are the Fear Prayer [column five].” I then discuss briefly
engaged upon a life-and-death errand. Most people exactly what I think my higher power would have
approached in this way will be glad to help; they will me be in relation to that fear.
be honored by our confidence.” (page 75) When I
do Step Five, I tell my friend how important it is that Then I take the Step Four Sex Conduct form and
I do this step, how serious I am about the process. read it across the columns. “Here is a person I hurt
[column one], here are the ways in which I was
The Big Book’s instructions on actually DOING the selfish, dishonest, and inconsiderate [column two],
step are not very detailed. Here they are: “We I aroused suspicion, but not bitterness or jealousy
pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every [column three], what I should have done instead was
twist of character, every dark cranny of the past” _________ [column four], the relationship was
(page 75). That’s it. Exactly what are we supposed selfish [column five], and I said the sex prayer
to do? [column six] and the sex meditation [column seven].”
I can only give you my experience, based on the Although this may seem mechanical, in fact it is not.
nature of our Step Four done the Big Book way, and With my friend listening and thinking with me about
using the forms which are available at the web site what I might have missed out and telling me that he
above. I have found this way to be extremely or she is very similar to me, I feel as if my innermost
powerful and—added bonus!—quite efficient and self has been revealed.
relatively brief.
But you can see how little time it need take. I’m not
I take the Step Four Resentment form as folded telling my life story from womb to today. I’m not
over, with the name of the person, institution, or answering a bunch of questions in enormous details.
principle (column one), across from where I have I’m not detailing the wrongs that others have done
been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened to me. I’m focusing on my major defects of char-
(column four). acter and sharing them with another human being.
I read off the name, perhaps give a short identifier
or explanation of the name, and then read off what
Promises!
I have written in the fourth column. I invite my
friend to probe my responses, to see if there are The Big Book makes certain promises at the end of
other things I might write down and didn’t think of. this part of Step Five. If we do not feel these
I go from name to name. promises, then we have almost certainly left some-
thing out, either in Step Four or in Step Five. Here
What I find is that after a few sheets it gets pretty
are the promises as found on page 75:
repetitious. I see how my selfishness, my dishon-
esty, my self-seeking, and my fear, have permeated Once we have taken this step, with-
holding nothing, we are delighted. We

43
 can look the world in the eye. We can be written—we look at all our filled-out forms again.
alone at perfect peace and ease. Our Then we have a prayer: “God, thank you from the
fears fall from us. We begin to feel the bottom of my heart that I know you better.” Then
nearness of our Creator. We may have the Big Book tells us to study the first five steps and
had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we ask our higher power “if we have omitted anything”
begin to have a spiritual experience. (page 75). Have we done what has to be done?
The feeling that the drink problem has Have we said what has to be said?
disappeared will often come strongly.
We feel we are on the Broad Highway, If the answer is yes, and it will probably be yes, then
walking hand in hand with the Spirit of we go on to Step Six that same day. If the answer is
the Universe. no, then we go back and figure out what we left out
in either Step Four or Step Five.
In point form:
· Are we delighted?
· Can we look the world in the eye?
· Can we be alone in perfect peace and ease?
· Have we begun to feel the nearness of our
Creator?
· Have we begun to have a spiritual experi-
ence?
· Although not promised, perhaps we’re
feeling that the drink problem has disap-
peared.
· Do we feel we are on the Broad Highway,
walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the
Universe?
The first time I did this part of Step Five these
promises did not come to me. My sponsor
suggested I redo Step Four and then do another
Step Five. I did that, and the promises still didn’t
come to me, so I did another Step Four and another
Step Five, and then another.
The amazing thing was that each time I “redid” Step
Four I discovered new resentments and new fears
(and occasionally new sex conduct issues), so I could The cover of the March 1, 1941 issue of The Satur-
tell I was going deeper.
to AA.
After the fourth Step Four and the fourth Step Five
these promises came true. It was an amazing expe-
rience.

Not yet finished!

But Step Five isn’t yet finished. We’ve admitted to
ourselves and another human being the exact
nature of our wrongs, but we haven’t yet admitted
them to God. The Big Book tells us to go home and
“find a place where we can be quiet for an hour,
carefully reviewing what we have done. We thank
God from the bottom of our heart that we know
Him better” (page 75). So we review what we’ve

44
 The Big Book promises NOTHING at Step Six. Our
Step Six: higher power is not going to remove our character
Doing Step Four and Five the Big Book way, we have defects at Step Six. The promise of that will only
realized that we have four major character defects, come halfway through Step Nine.
all stemming from our wish to have our own way. So if you’re ready to have your higher power remove
· We are selfish—we basically want our way, these four major character defects, you’re on to
whether for good or bad or a mixture of Step Seven! (If you’re not, you say, ”God, please
reasons. help me be willing to remove my character defect of
____________” (page 76). Then go on to Step
· We are dishonest—we don’t tell others or Seven anyway! Why wait? Recovery is just around
ourselves the truth about reality. the corner.)
· We are self-seeking—how others react to
us defines how we feel about ourselves and
we think of ourselves and not others.
Step Seven:
You say the prayer on page 76 of the Big Book.
· And we are full of fear.
My Creator, I am now willing that you
Out of these four major character defects we have
should have all of me, good and bad. I
constructed any number of behaviors that create
pray that you now remove from me
problems for us—a tendency to isolate, or to
every single defect of character which
gossip, or to live in a fantasy world, or to manipulate stands in the way of my usefulness to
others, or to have bad relationships with others, or you and my fellows. Grant me strength,
to be full of anger, or to be paralyzed by fear, or to as I go out from here, to do your bidding.
be full of lust or gluttony or pride or sloth or greed Amen.
or envy, or to feel exceedingly sorry for ourselves—
or a combination of many of these! But all of these A brilliant prayer. We get to keep some of the
behaviors come down to the four character defects. minor symptoms of those defects of character
which DO NOT stand in the way of our usefulness to
Are we ready to have our higher power remove our higher power and our fellows. We may have
these four major character defects? My experience those (I have many of them – interests that occa-
tells me that you will be if you do Step Four the Big sionally turn into obsessions, for instance).
Book way. You won’t want to hold on to selfishness,
dishonesty, self-seeking, and fear, when you realize But it’s simply a prayer. The Big Book is very clear
how they have truly harmed your life. about this. There are NO promises for Step Seven
either. You just say the prayer and then you’re
Again, it’s not the purpose of these essays to ready for some action!
compare the Big Book method of doing Step Four
with others, but there is a tremendous advantage in
understanding these four major character defects Overview:
rather than thinking that you have 40 major char-
Steps Six and Seven are simply way-stations on
acter defects. You’re much more willing to give up
these steps. They are moments in time, right after
four huge ones than 40 of varying significance!
our Step Five, when we consider where we have
come from and where we are going to. The removal

Many inventory methods will list things like Many OAers, of course, spend much more time
“gossip” or “lust” or “gluttony” or “cheating” or on Steps Six and Seven, and recover very pow-
“lying” as defects of character. These things erfully. Some have found the discussions in the
appear to me to be actions, not defects. A AA 12 and 12, or the OA 12 and 12, to be very
defect of character is something that gives rise helpful.
to wrong actions. It’s not the purpose of this book to argue one
That’s why I like the Big Book’s approach to way or the other. It’s clear, however, that the
Step Four. I have certainly gossiped. But in and Big Book’s approach is that Steps Six and Seven
of itself gossiping was not my character defect. are done relatively quickly. If you experience
I did it because I was selfish, dishonest, self- relapse while spending time on Steps Six and
seeking, and frightened. Seven, maybe you should try to do them as
quickly as the Big Book suggests.

45
of our defects of character comes only when we take
action.
The Big Book says: “Now we need more action,
without which we find that ‘Faith without works is
dead.’” Then it talks about Steps Eight and Nine,
which we’ll talk about next chapter.

Questions for Steps Five, Six, and

Seven:
Some questions:
· Do you recognize the importance of
sharing your character defects with
another human being? Why is it important
to you?
· What do you expect from the person who
is going to hear your Step Five?
· Will you be open to that person’s asking
you questions, providing you with feed-
back?
· What do you think about the proposition
that the behaviors that many of us have
understood to be “character defects” (the Dr. Bob Smith
Seven Deadly Sins, gossiping, etc.) are
really symptoms of the four major char-
acter defects?
· Can you take something you thought to be
a character defect and relate it to the four
character defects (selfishness, dishonesty,
self-seeking, and fear) discussed by the Big
Book?
· Does doing Steps Six and Seven the same
day as you do Step Five bother you?
· Why does it bother you? Is it simply
because you think you should spend as
much time on those steps as all the others?
Because you’ve been told you should? Or
because you think something may be
missing? If so, what?
The Big Book suggests that we do Step Eight the
same day that we do Steps Five, Six, and Seven. But
we’ll discuss Steps Eight and Nine together in the
next chapter.

46
 described from the harm-to-others perspective on
Steps Eight and Nine: page 79 with the example of paying alimony to an
Steps Eight and Nine are not discussed separately in ex-wife with the result of harming the current family.
the Big Book. They discuss one action—making The third amends — public consequences — is
amends—which is broken down into two parts— described from the bottom of page 78 to the top of
being ready to make amends to everyone we’ve page 79 with the example of willingness to go to
hurt, and only making amends if we won’t hurt jail; and then described from the harm-to-others
other people, including those we’ve already hurt. perspective on page 80 with the example of making
These are the action steps which actually bring us up for a lost reputation.
recovery from compulsive eating. They are the When you think about it, these are the only three
steps which remove our character defects and allow kinds of direct amends. You go directly to a person
us to become different people—recovered people, and apologize and/or make up for the harm you’ve
people full of hope who are able to transmit that done; or if the harm you’ve done has had broader
hope to the compulsive eater who still suffers. consequences, you have to make broader amends.
The Big Book’s instructions are simple. First we Living Amends:
make a list of people we had harmed and figure out
what harm we’ve done them. We made that list, the The Big Book discusses living amends from the
Big Book says, “when we took inventory” (page 76). middle of page 82 to the middle of page 83. Here
Then we make those amends unless to do so would the concept is that direct amends simply aren’t
injure them or others. Really quite simple. enough for people with whom we have had long-
term relationships; they don’t need apologies or
restitution—they need a new person to have a
Types of Amends: relationship with.
What kinds of amends are there? Amends we cannot make:
Direct Amends: And on page 83 the Big Book discusses amends we
The Big Book—through examples—lists three kinds can’t make, and promises us that if we are ready to
of direct amends. make them, that is good enough.

· The first is eyeball to eyeball—“I am sorry The Big Book provides two basic rules for making
for what I have done.” amends. The first is that if they are possible to
make, we must make them or else we will not
· The second is restitution—“I will make up recover. The second is that in making our amends,
for what I have done.” we sweep our side of the street off and don’t deal
with the wrongs others have done to us. (I’ll deal
· The third is taking the public conse-
with variants of that issue a little later in this
quences—“I will make known to other
chapter.)
people what I have done.”
Each of these is discussed by detailed example
twice—the first time to describe the nature of the
Filling in the Form for Steps Eight
amends and the second time to discuss how to deal and Nine
with situations in which others might be hurt by
The Steps Eight and Nine Form available on the web
making that amends.
site and following this chapter is pretty self-explan-
The first amends—eyeball to eyeball—is described atory.
from the bottom of page 76 to the middle of page
First you write down the names of persons (and
78 with the example of confronting a person face to
institutions) you have harmed.
face and apologizing for our side of the action. That
same amends is then described from the harm-to- Second you figure out what harm you’ve done them.
others perspective from the bottom of page 80 to
Third, using the three kinds of direct amends and
the middle of page 82 with the example of whether
living amends as a guide, you work out what kind of
or not to tell a spouse of an extra-marital affair.
amends you could possibly make to make up for the
The second amends—restitution—is described on harm done.
page 78 with the example of debts; and then

47
Fourth, you ask yourself whether making those have none of those things because that person had
kinds of amends would injure other people, done horrible harm to us and perhaps others.
including the person you’ve harmed. If the answer
So what harm have we done to them?
is yes, you don’t make the amend; but perhaps you
can think of alternative amends that might be made At the very least, we expected them to change, we
that could at least mend some harm. If the answer hoped for them to change, we thought they were
is no, that making those amends would not harm capable of being more than they were.
others, then you should make the amend.
An amends for that is to stop having high expecta-
Although not in the Big Book, the form also contains tions of them, to stop thinking that they could
those well-known OA/AA columns of “Now, Some- change, to treat them with pity and compassion,
times, Never”, so you can figure out a priority for NOT to let them continue harming us by our trying
making the various amends you have to make. If to re-create history, and NOT continuing to feel fear
you do the amends in the “Now” column, you will and guilt about what occurred. They should not be
find it so fulfilling that the amends in the “some- able to continue to harm us!
times” column end up in the “now” column and the
And then there’s another possible aspect.
amends in the “never” column end up in the “some-
times” column. And so on. That’s the experience of For many of these people, we were silent when we
those who have made amends. Although they seem should have been speaking the truth. We should
to be scary, they are ultimately overwhelmingly have stopped what they were doing BEFORE it got
satisfying. The more amends you make, the more worse. (Of course we realize this looking back. We
you want to finish them, because you feel much don’t blame ourselves for what we did or didn’t do
closer to your higher power than ever. at an earlier time. We are looking to see what we
COULD have done so we can make sure that things
Simple amends are those that are very clear, just like
like that don’t happen in the future.)
the Big Book examples. You lied to someone—you
apologize. You stole money or caused economic So a possible amends might be an apology for not
hardship—you pay it back. You harmed a person’s having stopped them in time. It might also be
reputation—you restore the person’s reputation. stopping that person from doing harm to others by
going public.
The complex amends: I have a friend who found it necessary to tell her
relatives who had children about the sexual abuse
What about the difficult ones? she suffered from a relative who was still around
Let’s take a common area of concern for many OAers and still spending time with the children of those
I have met—the person who has in fact been very relatives; she felt that was the least she could to try
badly dealt with by another person—perhaps sexu- to prevent that person from doing harm to himself
ally or physically abused or, less intensely, betrayed. or others.
What have our Steps Four and Five taught us about On the other side, I have a friend whose amends to
any harms we have done to that person? her sexual abuser was to let him alone––he was old
Remember that our own character defects are self- and decrepit and was, in her eyes, pitiful. He could
ishness, dishonesty, self-seeking, and fear. Have do no more harm to himself or to others.
those character defects harmed the person who has So we have to think about whether or not going
harmed us; and if so, how?
public in some way would cause more or less harm
If you recall our discussion of Step Four, one fact for that person. It’s a question of balance. If we
that we faced is that the more a person has harmed wanted to stop a child from stepping off a cliff, it
others, the more that person has become less might be necessary to grab his/her arm in a way that
capable of being a human being. could cause a broken arm.
Remember that we prayed for that person to have
what we wanted out of life—and when we prayed Amends we can’t make:
for that person to have serenity, to be able to love
There are amends, though, that we can’t make
and to be loved, to have good relationships, to feel
because they would directly harm other people.
at peace, we knew suddenly that that person could

48
Our OA 12 & 12 gives a great example—something symbolic things like writing them letters and scat-
like, “Hello, Mom? Listen, I hated you for 20 years tering the pieces to the winds or going to their
and I just want to apologize for that. I love you gravestones. What works for one person may not
now.” There’s an example of an amends that would work for another.
hurt, not help, the person to whom it is made. It’s
similar to the Big Book’s example of not telling a
spouse of an extra-marital affair if the spouse
Living Amends:
doesn’t know about it. Living amends are just that. It is not sufficient for
There are many such situations. In my own life, me to say to my wife or my children, “Oops, I wasn’t
there are some ex-girlfriends from many years ago such a good husband or father. Sorry.” I have to
to whom I would like to apologize. But what right BECOME a better husband and a better father. This
do I have to enter into their lives now, after not requires working through those areas where I was
having spoken to them for that length of time? Or not a good husband and father and making certain
to remind them of something they might have that I’m doing what I should be doing. I’ve been
forgotten? Might it not be harmful to them? What working on this a long time, of course. I’m not a
right do I have to do something for my own benefit perfect husband or father, and I don’t always know
that might harm them? what the right course of action is. But I’ve learned
to do more things around the house, to think more
I have consulted with sponsors over the years, and of others, and I hope that I’ve been able to show—
have concluded that it would be selfish of me to not to say, but to show—that I’m a better person
speak to them out of the blue in that way. If I’m ever than I was.
in a city where one of them lives, I might phone and
see if she wanted to go for coffee and then perhaps
get a feel for whether or not it might not be harmful Step Eight Prayers:
to apologize. But the fact that I’m ready today to The Big Book gives us Step Eight prayers.
apologize makes me clean—I’m not the kind of
person now who would do what I did so many years If we’re not willing to go to others and make
ago! amends, the Big Book suggests on page 76 : “If we
haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes.”
Or another example: I used to gossip about a
particular person, making fun of his/her foibles. And on page 79:
Through Step 4 and 5 I realized how selfish, Reminding ourselves that we have
dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened I was in rela- decided to go to any lengths to find a
tion to that person. The direct amends that could spiritual experience, we ask that we be
be made is to say, “Look, I told true stories about given strength and direction to do the
you that have held you up to ridicule among your right thing, no matter what the personal
peers. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” But that consequences may be. We may lose
person doesn’t know I gossiped about him/her. our position or reputation or face jail, but
I’ve decided, again after consulting with sponsors we are willing. We have to be. We must
not shrink at anything.
over the years, that it would be harmful to apolo-
gize. But what I do do is no longer gossip about him So our prayers are clear: “God, give me the will to
or anyone else, and if I’m in a situation where do this. God, please give me the strength and
people gossip about him/her, I say something like, direction to do the right thing, no matter what the
“I used to gossip about him/her, but I no longer do, personal consequences may be.”
because I think that kind of gossip makes fun of
someone who is not well and I don’t think it’s right The questions will be asking you to give examples
to make fun of people who are not well.” of working out difficult issues and figuring out what
the amends should be for other people’s benefits.
Those are examples of amends we could make but
shouldn’t make. One thing I know for certain.

What about amends we can’t make—people who If we have done Steps Four, Five, Six, Seven, to the
are dead, for instance? There are many suggestions, best of our abilities, and have worked out the harms
of course, ranging from just being serene because we have done and are ready to make the amends for
we know we’re ready to make amends, to having those harms, then our motives will be as pure as
imaginary conversations with them, to doing

49
they can be, and what we say or do for the other that we are becoming entirely DIFFERENT people
person will BE the right thing to say or do. from who we were. We are NOT the people who did
the things we are making amends for. We can be
And I believe the reverse is true—that if our motives
reborn. That is why we stand on our feet and don’t
are not pure, if we think of ourselves and hope that
crawl before anyone. “Yes, I used to be like that,
if we make amends the other person will apologize
but, God willing, I am no longer like that.” What
for what he or she did, that we’ll get that promo-
peace that brings!
tion, that we’ll get credit for doing the right thing—
then what we say or do will NOT be the right thing
to say or do. It is a matter of the right attitude. Amends to myself?
The Big Book tells us, at page 83, what our attitude Note, by the way, that neither the Big Book nor the
must be: steps themselves ever talks about making amends
We should be sensible, tactful, consid- to ourselves, which is often said in OA meetings.
erate and humble without being servile The only amends we make to ourselves is to have
or scraping. As God's people we stand our higher power remove those character defects
on our feet; we don't crawl before which stand in the way of our usefulness to our
anyone. higher power and to our fellows. That’s the “only”
amends—but it’s a huge one. To have those char-
Now that attitude comes from one major spot. It is acter defects removed is to place us in direct rela-
that we are trying to be rid of the things in tionship with our higher power. There is no greater
ourselves, our defects of character, which block us amends.
from our higher power, and we realize that without
making amends it will be impossible for our defects We often hear people talk about “the biggest
to be removed. We won’t be removing them— amends I have to make is to myself”. But that really
that’s the miracle from our higher power—but we comes down to people saying, “I have to learn to say
will be taking the actions necessary to have them ‘no’” or “I can’t run myself ragged without taking
removed. time for myself”—quite commendable concepts.
But if you look at the Big Book approach, which is
When we realize this, making amends becomes a to focus on others rather than ourselves, you will
matter of extreme urgency. Remember that until see how this concept of an “amends to myself” is
we do this, we are not freed from the foods we consistent with what’s been discussed above.
know cause our cravings. We may have temporary
release, but it cannot constitute the recovery we’re Of course we have to learn to be honest and to say
seeking until we have begun working these steps. no, because many of us have been enablers and
people-pleasers who have said yes for the wrong
More than that, we see that having those defects of reasons and have thereby allowed other people to
character removed by making the amends means harm us, others, AND themselves. If we make
amends to them by not being enablers and not
being people-pleasers, we’ve said “no” but we’ve
An example of false humility: said it for the right reasons—to help others, not to
In a small town in Russia in the late 1800s, in a be nice to ourselves. And if we run ourselves
small synagogue, the congregation is praying to ragged, then what use are we to the compulsive
God during Yom Kippur––the highest of all holy eater who still suffers?
days. Of course we have to take care of ourselves; we are
The rabbi gets up and says, “God, before You I messengers of the greatest message in the world—
am nothing, I am nothing,” and falls onto the recovery through the Twelve Steps. So we have to
floor. take care of ourselves to make certain that others
can hear that message.
The richest man in town gets up and says, “God,
before You I am nothing, I am nothing,” and But the FOCUS is on helping others and making
falls onto the floor. amends to others, and not on ourselves.
The town beggar gets up and says, “God, before
You I am nothing, I am nothing,” and falls onto
the floor.
The rich man whispers to the rabbi: “Look who
thinks he’s nothing!”

50
The Promises: situation or anything practical. What they basically
say is that we have had a spiritual awakening that
And the Big Book FINALLY gives us really good has made us into different people; we are now able
promises. We haven’t had great ones up to now to learn from the past instead of dwelling on it in
(Step Three—an effect will be felt; Step Four—we misery; and we can live in the present with serenity
have learned about our character defects; Step and love. It is precisely the promise of the Appendix
Five—some better ones—we will feel at peace and on Spiritual Experience: we have had “a profound
ease; none for Steps Six and Seven). Halfway alteration” in our “attitude to life.” What marvel-
through Step Nine come the Promises (page 83), lous promises they are! And they do come true.
which many of us know well. (By the way, people
keep trying to find Twelve Promises. There are
three different ways of finding them. I’m giving my The “Hidden” Promises:
favorite way.) Now, with the promise of a spiritual awakening
If we are painstaking about this phase of halfway through Step Nine comes the fulfillment of
our development, we will be amazed the promise made to the compulsive eater in Step
before we are half way through. Two—that the miracle will happen and our trigger
foods and eating behaviors will no longer tempt us.
[1] We are going to know a new freedom Here are the Hidden Promises, found on pages 84
and a new happiness. and 85:
[2] We will not regret the past nor wish And we have ceased fighting anything
to shut the door on it. or anyone - even alcohol. For by this
[3] We will comprehend the word time sanity will have returned. We will
serenity and we will know peace. seldom be interested in liquor. If
tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot
[4] No matter how far down the scale we flame. We react sanely and normally,
have gone, we will see how our experi- and we will find that this has happened
ence can benefit others. automatically. We will see that our new
[5] That feeling of uselessness and self- attitude toward liquor has been given us
pity will disappear. without any thought or effort on our part.
It just comes! That is the miracle of it.
[6] We will lose interest in selfish things We are not fighting it, neither are we
and gain interest in our fellows. avoiding temptation. We feel as though
[7] Self-seeking will slip away. we had been placed in a position of
neutrality - safe and protected. We have
[8] Our whole attitude and outlook upon not even sworn off. Instead, the problem
life will change. has been removed. It does not exist for
[9] Fear of people and of economic inse- us. We are neither cocky nor are we
curity will leave us. afraid. That is our experience.

[10] We will intuitively know how to This is what we’ve been waiting for! This is why we
handle situations which used to baffle joined OA in the first place. The mental
us. obsession/insanity has been released from us.
We’re finally sane!
[11] We will suddenly realize that God is
doing for us what we could not do for I recently ate one of the most memorable meals of
ourselves. my life. Every single piece of every single dish was
cooked to perfection. I actually savored each bite of
Are these extravagant promises? We the asparagus spears and the baby carrots served
think not. They are being fulfilled among with the entree. I put my fork down between bites.
us––sometimes quickly, sometimes
Simple but exquisite tastes filled my mouth.
slowly.
It’s not hard to compare this experience with what
[12] They will always materialize if we
eating used to be like before I achieved this sanity.
work for them.
Sure, my first bite might have given me the same
These are true promises! Look how they promise kind of pleasure as my first bite of the asparagus
nothing about our environment or our financial spear. But the rest of my eating was an attempt to

51
recapture the initial pleasure. There was a kind of
desperation to my eating. My cravings forced me to
continue eating until nothing was left, even if I
never recaptured the initial pleasure.
No, eating before I finished Step Nine was not a
happy experience!

Conclusion:
Done the Big Book way, this has taken us only a few
weeks or months. We’ve pushed on from Steps Five
through Nine quickly, and we have got our relief
before our mental obsession overcame us and we
returned to our trigger foods and eating behaviors;
and now we’re released from that mental obsession
so we are protected. This is great joy! Those are
REAL amends to ourselves!

Questions:
Here are some questions:
· For those of you who have made amends,
what were your greatest worries before
you made those amends, and did any of
those things matter after you made them?
· If you have been silent about harms done
to you, do you see how that silence has
harmed those who did harm to you? And
if so, will relieving that silence help those
who did harm or not?
· Are there, or have there been, amends you
felt compelled to make which potentially
placed others at risk of harm, but which
you felt overall were better to do for their
sake than not to do?
· For those of you have done your amends,
have the Promises and the Hidden Prom-
ises come true for you? Describe it.
The Hidden Promises come true but the Big Book
cautions us on page 85: “That is how we react SO
LONG as we keep in fit spiritual condition.”
In the next chapter, therefore, we’ll study the first
and the second of the three steps that keep us in fit
spiritual condition—Steps Ten and Eleven.
The next page is a simple form for Steps Eight and At www.oabigbook.info you can
Nine.
download the Step 8 & 9 form
and fill it in on your computer
using Adobe Reader.

52
53
 a problem for me. The “hidden promises” were
Steps Ten and Eleven—In- true; I was placed in a position of complete
troduction: neutrality. Yet that feeling of neutrality, of power
over food, dissipated quickly and I went back to it
We ended our discussion of Step Nine with the after a few months.
Hidden Promises of pages 84 and 85. The Big Book
ends those promises with a very clear warning: Why was this? I was meditating—had five medita-
“That is how we react so long as we keep in fit tion books and said my prayers. I was sponsoring
spiritual condition.” and giving service galore. So Steps Eleven and
Twelve were covered. But how was I doing Step Ten?
If we do not keep in fit spiritual condition, we will
relapse. Our mental obsession will return. We will Well, I was reading it “on the wall”—“Continued to
become insane again. take personal inventory and when we were wrong
promptly admitted it.” So as life went on, and I
How do we keep in fit spiritual condition? You yelled at my kids or began to feel bad about some-
might recall Dr. Bob’s summary of the Twelve Steps: thing, I admitted it. I apologized. That’s all I did.
“Clean House, Trust God, Help Others.” We will find That’s all I thought I should do.
that once we have recovered, that summary means
Step Ten (Clean House), Step Eleven (Trust God), As I began to study the Big Book’s approach and
Step Twelve (Help Others). learned, with the help of great teaching tapes, to
look beyond the steps “on the wall” and read the Big
Book’s actual instructions, I realized the mistake I
Step Ten: had made.
For my first six years in program, I went through a Here are the Big Book’s instructions for Step Ten:
cycle of recovery and relapse, recovery and relapse.
Continue to watch for selfishness,
This happened until I was finally introduced to the dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When
Big Book’s approach to recovery. As I began to these crop up, we ask God at once to
recover using the Big Book approach, I analyzed remove them. We discuss them with
what had gone wrong in my first six years. I discov- someone immediately and make
ered two things that were the main cause of my amends quickly if we have harmed
relapses. anyone. Then we resolutely turn our
The first was that I had refused to accept that there thoughts to someone we can help.
were certain foods and eating behaviors that caused If you look at those instructions, you will see pretty
me uncontrollable cravings—the notion of the clearly that they are really the equivalent of doing
“allergy of the body” that I discussed at length in Steps Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, and Nine. Here’s
our discussion of Step One. I had fallen prey to the the annotated version of the same instructions:
notion that all the diets I had ever been on, and all
the “experts” I read, told me, which was that after I Continue to watch for selfishness,
lost my weight I could eat ANYTHING in moderation; dishonesty, resentment, and fear.
so I “took back” foods that I had eliminated during [STEP FOUR—In Step Four we
my weight-loss time, tried to eat them in modera- encountered the concepts of “selfish-
tion; and soon found that I was gorging on them. ness, dishonest, resentment, and fear”.
Clearly that’s what the Big Book is
The second, though, was far more serious: there had talking about!] When these crop up, we
been a number of times when I was trying to stay ask God at once to remove them.
away from my trigger foods but I still found rational- [STEPS SIX AND SEVEN] We discuss
izations to return to them—the “mental obsession” them with someone immediately [STEP
that I also discussed at length in Step One. Why was FIVE] and make amends quickly if we
this mental obsession returning? Why were my have harmed anyone. [STEPS EIGHT
“best” efforts not to eat these foods being under- AND NINE] Then we resolutely turn our
mined by my complete lack of will? thoughts to someone we can help.
I discovered the reason by looking back on how I So Step Ten is Steps Four through Nine done in the
felt right after I had completed Step Nine each time context of recovery. We do exactly what we did in
I went through the steps after my relapses. Right Steps Four through Nine, except we’ve recovered
after Step Nine I felt absolutely great. Food wasn’t and we’re trying to keep that recovery. When I

54
finished Step Nine, I had dealt with my past, and had we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people”.
no fears for the future. I also look at my food issues.
But each minute and day and week AFTER I finished So my Twelve Step checklist for when I do a Step
my Step Nine means a little bit, and then a lot more, Ten is:
PAST that I have to deal with, and the only way I can
1. Am I restless? (Doctor’s Opinion)
deal with it is to do what I did successfully before—
write it out, share it with another human being, 2. Am I irritable? (Doctor’s Opinion)
realize my character defects, ask my higher power
3. Am I discontented? (Doctor’s Opinion)
to remove them, and make amends for any mistakes
I have made. 4. Am I having trouble with personal relation-
ships? (Bedevilments)
You’ll recall that when we discussed Step Four, I
pointed out that the complete inventory is really not 5. Can I not control my emotional nature?
just Step Four but Steps Four through Nine. Under- (Bedevilments)
standing that is the whole point to understanding
6 Am I a prey to misery and depression?
Step Ten!
(Bedevilments)
I have a simple twelve-point checklist (it just
7. Can I not make a living? (Bedevilments)
happened to be 12!) for when I do a Step Ten. I look
at “The Doctor’s Opinion” and find the words “They 8. Do I have a feeling of uselessness? (Bedev-
are restless, irritable and discontented unless they ilments)
can again experience the sense of ease and comfort
which comes at once by taking a few drinks”. I look 9. Am I full of fear? (Bedevilments)
at page 52 in “We Agnostics” and find the Bedevil- 10. Am I unhappy? (Bedevilments)
ments: “We were having trouble with personal
relationships, we couldn't control our emotional 11. Am I not of real help to other people?
natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, (Bedevilments)
we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of 12. Is my food or quantity of food getting
uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, sloppy?
If the answer to any one or more of these questions
is YES, then it’s time for me to clean house again.
As we’ll see in the discussion of Step Eleven So I take out my Step Four forms and I fill them out;
immediately following, the nighttime medita- I do a Step Five, and then a Six and a Seven, and I
tion also has the equivalent of Steps Four figure out and then do my amends.
through Nine, so I had to consider what the
What I usually find is that my amends turn out to be
difference is between a nighttime Step Eleven
living amends, for the most part. I usually find that
meditation doing Steps Four through Nine, and
something has been going on in my life that is
a Step Ten doing Steps Four through Nine.
bugging me and I haven’t really noticed it or given
They’re both done in the context of recovery.
it much thought. And I get clean again and the
We’ve already had the miracle. How do we
answers to all the above twelve questions is a
keep it?
resounding NO and I get the promises again!
Here’s what I’ve come down to.
I also find, by the way, that when I finish the Step
The Step Eleven evening meditation is done at Four part of the Step Ten I’ve already got most of my
night to review the day you’ve had. I’ll talk insights into what’s been bugging me. Step Five
more about that in a little while. Step Ten, provides fewer insights,because I’ve already become
however, is designed to deal with the resent- clear about what my defects of character are. But I
ments, fears, and sex conduct issues that have still do Steps Five and Six and Seven and then make
accumulated since you last did a Step Four amends quickly. (Often I will grab the last recovered
through Nine or a Step Ten. person leaving my regular meeting and just ask for
ten minutes of his or her time to do the Step Five
In other words, it’s for the big things that you
part of my Step Ten.) My amends are usually living
haven’t been able to capture during your eve-
amends.
ning meditations.

55
So Step Ten isn’t as dramatic as Steps Four through I call this a Step Ten! It is NOT Steps Four through
Nine, when I’m learning so much about myself and Nine because those are the steps that BRING us to
where I’m really cleaning out the past respecting recovery by allowing our higher power to remove our
actions I’ve taken in the past. But Step Ten becomes defects of character and give us sanity.
essential to keep my house clean!
Now that we have recovered, we keep our sanity and
our closeness to our higher power by doing Step Ten.
Refining Step Ten: In Step Ten we Clean House. In Step Eleven we Trust
One thing I’ve been doing lately with really powerful God. In Step Twelve we Help Others. Dr. Bob’s
results is to use the Step Four Resentment form a prescription for life is our guide!
little differently. For some very significant issues in
my life, instead of writing those issues down in
column 1, and writing down why those issues are in
my mind in column 2, I’ve been taking what I would
normally put down in column 2 and putting each one
of those points as a separate point in column 1.
For example, I was trying to make a decision as to
whether or not to change my career. In a Step Four
I would write down “My career” in column 1, and
then some points in column 2 like “I’m bored”, “I
want to feel more useful”, “I’m worried about making
money”.
What I’ve been doing lately in Step Ten is putting
down as separate resentments each of the ideas I
would normally put down as reasons in column 2 for
the resentments.
For example, instead of putting “my career” down in
column 1, instead I’ll put down “I’m bored” and “I
want to feel more useful” and “I’m worried about
It’s great to look at, at any rate!
making money” into column 1. Then, when I get
around to column 2, I ask myself why these resent-
ments are on my mind.
This has given me much deeper insight into the
issues because I’m going deeper and deeper into my
motivations and attitudes to life.
I wouldn’t recommend this for Step Four. Step Four
is to deal with the big stuff. But I sure do recommend
it for major issues that you have to deal with in Step
Ten. It clears your thinking!
It’s because of this approach to Step Ten that I
haven’t had a relapse for over thirteen years. When
I look at the journeys of people I have sponsored, it
is precisely those who have not done Step Ten on a
regular basis who have relapsed, unfortunately
following the path I walked for my first six years in
program!
I urge you—whenever you feel stressed out or kind
of icky or food begins to become attractive—to do a
Step Ten by repeating Steps Four through Nine!

56
 The Big Book has three kinds of prayers and medita-
Step Eleven: tions.
And now Step Eleven. If you have downloaded the
The first is what we do on going to sleep, as
Step Eleven form to be found at
discussed in the first full paragraph on page 86.
www.oabigbook.info, or look at the form preceding
this chapter, you will see how that form provides all The second is what we do on awakening, as
specific instructions from pages 86 to 88 (plus a few discussed in the last two paragraphs on page 86,
others), so I’m not going to go over those specific and the first three paragraphs on page 87.
instructions. I just want to point out a few things.
The third is what we do during the daytime,
The Big Book’s warning about needing to keep in fit discussed in the last paragraph on page 87, going on
spiritual condition begins its discussion of Step to page 88.
Eleven. On page 84:
Why is the nighttime prayer and meditation
It is easy to let up on the spiritual discussed first? Interestingly enough, the original
program of action and rest on our manuscript had us review the day before when we
laurels. We are headed for trouble if we woke up in the morning, and someone must have
do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are pointed out to Bill that it would be far wiser to
not cured of alcoholism. What we really review the day just when we’re going to sleep.
have is a daily reprieve contingent on
the maintenance of our spiritual condi- Clearly the intent, whether done before we go to
tion. Every day is a day when we must sleep or when we wake up, is to be clear about how
carry the vision of God's will into all of we spent the day just passed.
our activities. ‘How can I best serve The evening prayer and mediation:
Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done.’
These are thoughts which must go with The evening prayer and meditation is really a Step
us constantly. We can exercise our will Four through Nine inventory, isn’t it? Here’s the
power along this line all we wish. It is the annotated version:
proper use of the will. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or
(A “reprieve” is a suspension of a death sentence!) afraid? [STEP FOUR] Do we owe an
apology? [STEPS EIGHT AND NINE]
The Big Book then talks about “receiving strength, Have we kept something to ourselves
inspiration, and direction” from our higher power. which should be discussed with another
The whole concept is to develop a “vital sixth sense” person at once? [STEP FIVE] Were we
that gives us a direct connection to the power which kind and loving toward all? What could
is greater than we are. We are trying to learn to act we have done better? Were we thinking
intuitively—directly from our hearts with the purest of ourselves most of the time? Or were
of motives. We have lived, at the very least, a we thinking of what we could do for
double life; in my case, at times, it was a triple or others, of what we could pack into the
quadruple life. Now we have to live according to the stream of life? But we must be careful
dictates of our higher power. not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid
reflection, for that would diminish our
usefulness to others. After making our
Specific Directions: review we ask God's forgiveness and
The Big Book contains specific directions. “It would inquire what corrective measures
be easy to be vague about this matter. Yet, we should be taken. [STEPS SIX AND
believe we can make some definite and valuable SEVEN]
suggestions.” (page 86) Sure, it’s not in the same order, but the actions are
These suggestions are, in effect, the MINIMUM we very similar. As I said in the discussion of Step Ten,
should be doing. I know many people who spend I think this Steps Four through Nine is done infor-
an hour or two meditation in the morning, using any mally, maybe even in bed, but certainly not neces-
number of powerful meditation techniques. They sarily with pen and paper. This is what we do just
are very spiritual people, and I respect them tremen- before we go to sleep.
dously. But at the minimum they also do what the Note, though, that we don’t do a “Step Five” unless
Big Book suggests! we have to––the question is whether we have “kept

57
something to ourselves which should be discussed religious, they find that they hear their God’s direc-
with another person at once”. Maybe we haven’t. tions very very clearly!
So there’s a difference.
The daytime prayer and meditation:
The more carefully we do this, remembering every
And the daytime prayers! There are times when I
little thing that happened to us that day and
have to repeat “Thy will not mine be done. Thy will
analyzing it, we will probably deal with most of the
not mine be done. Thy will not mine be done.” over
difficult things in our lives on a day-to-day basis. But
and over and over again until I calm down and get
I find that doing that doesn’t give me the kind of
some sense of direction. But it works!
overview I need to look at all the biggest things in
my life. I might be irritated day to day by my Following this page is the Step Eleven form, listing
children and deal with those irritations in my Step all the prayers that the Big Book sets out.
Eleven sleep-time prayer and meditation. But ulti-
mately my big issues with my children will almost
certainly be dealt with in a Step Ten. Questions:
At least that’s how I do it. I know that many people Here are some questions:
who work the steps the Big Book way do their Steps · If you’re not up to Step Ten yet, do you see
Four through Nine every night by writing and the correlation between Steps Four
analyzing their day and phoning their sponsors. through Nine and Step Ten?
They have decided that Step Ten is to be done every
night, and that the sleep-time prayer and meditation · If you’ve relapsed in the past, is it possible
includes a full Step Ten. And it certainly works for that you failed to continue to clean house
them, and those of them I know are really more by doing Step Ten?
spiritual than I am, so they probably know more · Do you see a distinction between Step Ten
than I do. I just find it more convenient to work it and the sleep-time prayer and meditation?
this way. I work what I would call a “good enough”
program. · How do you feel about the notion of
praying for the right thought or action or
The emphasis on the evening prayer and mediation
decision, and then just letting go?
is to figure out what I could do better for the next
day. It is not introspective. We review our past day · The Big Book suggests at page 87 that for
to see how we did, and how we can do better. our awakening prayers “we sometimes
select and memorize a few set prayers
The morning prayer and meditation:
which emphasize the principles we have
Planning our day ahead on awakening is pretty clear. been discussing.” Aside from the Step
Three and Seven prayers, the Serenity
We’re given wonderful instructions for clearing our
Prayer, and the St. Francis Prayer (from
mind and thinking through things with the best of
Step Eleven in the AA 12 & 12), can you
motives. The most wonderful and freeing thing is
suggest some short prayers “which empha-
the instruction that if we don’t know what we
size the principles we have been
should be doing, if we “face indecision”, we pray for
discussing”?
“inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision” and
then “we relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle.” · How do you feel about the concept that
(Page 86) It is truly remarkable what happens when once you have recovered at Step Nine, you
we do it this way. At least that’s been my experi- simply maintain your fit spiritual condition
ence, and the experience of countless hundreds of through Steps Ten, Eleven, and Twelve. In
people I’ve talked to over the years. other words, how do you feel about the
notion that, in effect, you don’t go through
In effect, at least from a psychological point of view,
the steps again?
we’re letting our subconscious take over, and if our
subconscious is filled with good motives, then it will
do a great job for us! And for those who are more

58
59
Conclusion to Steps Ten and
Eleven:
You can see that the Big Book leaves us plenty of
time for doing things. It’s not as if we spend a lot of
time just meditating and praying. The Big Book is
all about action!
If we do what the Big Book suggests, our Step Tens
are done when we begin not to feel so spiritually fit,
and doing them the Big Book way is pretty fast.
The three kinds of prayer and meditation of Step
Eleven are really pretty quick too. We can do the
nighttime one in five minutes in bed, the awakening
one in five minutes, and the day-time ones in
seconds, really. Keeping recovered doesn’t seem to Ohio, where Bill Wilson met Dr. Bob Smith.
take much time!
That’s very true in one way, of course. The Big Book
does not seem to want us to spend a lot of time on
internal thinking.
No, our main job, as the Big Book makes very clear,
is to help others, not to waste our time thinking
about ourselves.
The Big Book warns us at the end of the chapter on
page 88: “But this is not all. There is action and
more action. ‘Faith without works is dead.’ The next
chapter is entirely devoted to Step Twelve.”

60
 Remember that at page 63 the Big Book tells us that
Step Twelve—Introduction: when we follow the path of the steps, we have “a
new Employer”.
Why we have to carry the Chapter 7 is basically a manual on how to do our
message: job. Our job description is actually found on page
102: “Your job now is to be at the place where you
On page 59 the Big Book tells us: “Half measures
may be of maximum helpfulness to others.”
availed us nothing.” Eleven-twelfth measures avail
us nothing either. We can do the steps from One We are disabled people. Other—“normal”—people
through Eleven, but if we don’t get active and carry don’t have to do what we have to do. They don’t
the message, we will die. It’s that simple. have addiction problems. They can spend their
spare time doing things they want to do for their
Let me start with quoting Doctor Bob in “Doctor
own comfort and enjoyment.
Bob’s Nightmare”, the first story after the text of the
Big Book. Doctor Bob, as many of you know, was But we cannot afford to do that. If we don’t help
the co-founder of AA: others, we will relapse. We will go back to eating.
And if we go back to eating, we will surely die. If
I spend a great deal of time passing on
what I learned to others who want and you don’t believe that by now, go back and think
need it badly. I do it for four reasons: about Step One!

1. Sense of duty. Dr. Bob says something else. He says it’s a pleasure.
He’s right! We find that carrying the message gives
2. It is a pleasure. us a sense of purpose, a sense of direction, and a
3. Because in so doing I am paying my sense of usefulness, all of which we need in our lives.
debt to the man who took time to pass it
on to me. Some Step Twelve Promises:
4. Because every time I do it I take out Here are some promises of Step Twelve:
a little more insurance for myself against
a possible slip. Life will take on new meaning. To watch
people recover, to see them help others,
The Big Book expresses this last thought very to watch loneliness vanish, to see a
clearly. The beginning of Chapter 7, devoted fellowship grow up about you, to have a
entirely to Step Twelve, says at page 89: “Practical host of friends—this is an experience
experience shows that nothing will so much insure you must not miss. (page 89)
immunity from drinking as intensive work with
other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail.” Follow the dictates of a Higher Power
and you will presently live in a new and
If you look at the Step Three and the Step Seven wonderful world, no matter what your
prayers, you will see that they are really all about present circumstances! (page 100)
becoming fit to help other people. Look at the Step
Three prayer at page 63: “Take away my difficulties, So even though we HAVE to carry the message, it
that victory over them may bear witness to those I turns out that carrying the message becomes, for us,
would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of one of the most significant things that we do.
life.” We ask that our difficulties be taken away not I know that is certainly true for me. I’ve done a lot
for our own sake, but purely so that victory over our of things in my life that other people would and
difficulties will show those whom we want to help have said should be fulfilling; but I never felt fulfilled
the power of our higher power. And the Step Seven doing them. I was always judging myself against
prayer at page 76: “I pray that you now remove impossible criteria and finding myself wanting.
from me every single defect of character which
stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my But when I carry the message, I don’t even have to
fellows.” We ask that those defects of character be good at carrying the message to feel good about
which hinder us from helping others be taken away myself. I know I’m giving of myself without hope of
from us. reward or gain. It is the giving that is important, not
how well the recipient is receiving the message.
And the most awful things that have happened to us
or that we may have done to others now become a

61
means of carrying the message of recovery to those no OA, I would follow the instructions on these
who still suffer. One of the Promises is that “we will pages. I won’t discuss these pages any more, but for
see how our experience can benefit others.” And at those of you who don’t have OA in your area, these
page 124, the Big Book says: pages might come in very handy!
Showing others who suffer how we were Pages 91 to 95: The first meeting. The actual
given help is the very thing which makes instructions for explaining the program to the
life seem so worth while to us now. Cling person who still suffers. I’ll analyze this in some
to the thought that, in God's hands, the detail below.
dark past is the greatest possession you
have––the key to life and happiness for Pages 96 to 98: guidelines for dealing with a
others. With it you can avert death and sponsee. I’ll spend a bit of time dealing with this.
misery for them. Pages 98 to 100: general issues and the family of the
Meaning has now been given to our suffering or to person who is working the steps. I’ll only deal with
the harms we’ve done others. We are different from a few points here.
what we used to be. The suffering we have under- Pages 100 to 102: what recovery is like for us. I
gone, or the harm we have done, were things that want to emphasize this area.
happened to someone we used to be, not to us.
The first meeting (91 to 95):
We have the ability to say to those who still suffer
that recovery is around the corner for them, that The instructions are quite clear. (I’ll translate them
they can overcome whatever hands the past has to compulsive eating.)
dealt them! Tell your eating stories in such a way that the other
We must not forget, however, the Big Book’s state- person understands. Don’t say anything about what
ment on page 164: “you cannot transmit something you did to stop. Just tell your stories.
you haven't got.” It’s important that we recover in I will often start off by saying that I appreciate the
order to be ABLE to carry the message! opportunity to tell my story, because it helps me in
With all that in mind, let’s first of all look at the Big my program. I then tell stories similar to the ones I
Book’s instructions for carrying the message. told back in the first step—the hand going from
food to mouth, from food to mouth, and not being
able to stop it; my most disgusting eating stories;
How to carry the message the Big and my various attempts to lose weight, always
Book way: undercut by my return to overeating.
If you look at the early history of AA, you will see Then describe yourself as a compulsive eater. Never
that carrying the message was almost a full-time comment on the other person. I will often say
occupation for AA pioneers. They would go to something like, “You’re probably nothing like me,
psychiatric wards or to hospitals for alcoholics and but I realized that I was a compulsive eater.”
talk and talk and talk to the alcoholics who still You talk about this from the basis of recovery. I talk
suffered. And after those alcoholics were released, about how freeing it has been to be able to have ice
they would take those alcoholics home and talk and cream in the house and not to want to eat it, to
talk and talk. watch other people eating foods that I used to binge
Yet the Big Book’s instructions are actually quite on and be happy for them and not regret the fact
different. Here’s the outline of the directions: that I can’t eat that stuff.
Pages 89 to 91: Finding the alcoholics to give the Then talk about “how you finally learned that you were
message to. Remember that the Big Book was sick.” (92) Talk about how you tried to stop but
written when AA was only in New York, Akron, and couldn’t. I go into details on the many reasons I
Cleveland. It was written as a textbook for those always slip. “I’m standing up so it doesn’t count. I
who did not have contact with AA and who did not feel depressed. I’ve been good the last year or
have meetings to go to. So there necessarily had to month or week or day or hour. I’ll never have this
be instructions for finding the right person. We’re taste again. It’ll go to waste. Etc., etc.”
lucky in OA and in the other twelve-step Ultimately, talk explicitly about the allergy of the body
programs—people come to us, and we don't have to and the obsession of the mind. I have worked on
find them. But if I moved to a place where there was

62
telling my story that way. I now tell my eating Outline the program of action,
stories in such a way that they illustrate the two-fold explaining how you made a self-ap-
nature of the problem. I first tell the stories of my praisal, how you straightened out your
uncontrollable binge eating and my complete past and why you are now endeavoring
inability to stop once I’ve started. Then I tell the to be helpful to him. It is important for
stories of my yo-yo dieting and my complete him to realize that your attempt to pass
inability to stop from starting again. These are the this on to him plays a vital part in your
two problems—my physical cravings (allergy) and own recovery. Actually, he may be
my mental obsession. helping you more than you are helping
him.
At this point the person will almost certainly be
sharing his or her stories. “He may be helping you more than you are helping
him!” Of course that’s true. I get something out of
Then “begin to dwell on the hopeless feature of the talking to the other person whether or not that
malady.” (92) This is extremely important. You tell person gets anything out of me. So I’m thankful for
your story in such a way that the other person the opportunity to talk, to tell my story.
understands that you—not him or her but you—
were in the grips of a hopeless illness. So I will say Then basically, after pleasantries, you leave! You don’t
something like, “I don’t know about you, but I continue the conversation, you don’t try to be a
began to see how hopeless I was on my own, how I friend, you’ve conveyed information about yourself
couldn’t ever solve this problem on my own. I and told the other person that if he or she is inter-
couldn’t stop once I started to eat my binge foods, ested “you will do ANYTHING to help” (page 95).
and I couldn’t stop from starting again even if I’d If the other person is interested, you give him or her
managed to stop for a while. That explained my some homework—read the Big Book—and let that
yo-yo dieting. It explained why I felt so defeated.” person initiate the next meeting. The Big Book
If the other person doesn’t show interest, don’t try cautions us against pushing the person at all, trying
to convince him or her. Just tell your story the best to rush that person into the program.
you can, thank the other person for letting you tell The Big Book thus describes a pretty short conversa-
your story, say that if you can ever be of help, you’re tion—maybe a few hours at the most. Then it’s up
available, and then leave. to the other person. Page 96:
We don’t try to recruit anyone. We don’t tell We find it a waste of time to keep
everyone that OA is for them. It may not be. Nor chasing a man who cannot or will not
should they come if they don’t feel desperate. work with you. If you leave such a
They’ll come to meetings as hangers-on, but not as person alone, he may soon become
real members. They have to feel desperation, and convinced that he cannot recover by
it’s our job to talk about that desperation. himself. To spend too much time on any
So if the other person isn’t interested, just leave. one situation is to deny some other alco-
holic an opportunity to live and be happy.
But if the other person has ANY interest, that person
will ask you how you recovered. Then tell that person This is pretty different from other methods of
about the steps and how they worked for you. The Big carrying the message I’ve experienced in OA, and
Book is clear that you don’t hold anything back, that actually quite different from what AAers did for the
you don’t sugar-coat the steps. years prior to the publishing of the Big Book.

The Big Book talks about how to deal with the Basically, the initiative is up to the other person.
higher power issue with both agnostics and reli- You’ve made yourself available, and it’s up to the
gious people on page 93. It’s pretty blunt stuff. other person to make use of your knowledge, IF he
or she wants!
For the agnostics you tell them that’s no problem—
it’s their own conception of a higher power.
For the religious people you tell them that their
religion certainly hasn’t helped them at all, and Other issues:
they’d better remember that “faith without works is Once we begin to sponsor a willing sponsee, the Big
dead”. And you go into detail about the inventory. Book makes it clear what our role is. We’re there to
Here are some very important words on page 94: share our experience on how to do the steps. That’s

63
it. A person who wants to follow the path we took They do the work. I don’t. I’m just there to share
is not following us, he or she is following the path my experience. They sink or swim on their own, and
we were taught by others. I don’t feel guilty if they sink. That’s their problem
and their responsibility, not mine. If they sink,
The Big Book cautions us about having the other
maybe they’ll get more desperate the next time and
person become dependent on us. Page 98:
work harder.
The minute we put our work on a service
That makes for pretty efficient sponsoring. Since
plane, the alcoholic commences to rely
I’ve been in recovery beginning sometime in May,
upon our assistance rather than upon
God. He clamors for this or that, 1993, I don’t think I’ve ever turned down a sponsee.
claiming he cannot master alcohol until (I turned one down once before I really studied the
his material needs are cared for. Big Book, I think.) It has made for some work, but
Nonsense. [For Big Book trivialists, this generally it works itself out, because I don’t end up
is the shortest sentence in the Big spending a great deal of time with my sponsees. I
Book!] Some of us have taken very show them the way I was taught, and let them do
hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no the work.
job - wife or no wife - we simply do not When you come down to it, this method of spon-
stop drinking so long as we place soring really means having the sponsee read the Big
dependence upon other people ahead Book, and then meeting with the sponsee and
of dependence on God. Burn the idea leading the sponsee through what he or she has
into the consciousness of every man read, pointing out the directions contained in the
that he can get well regardless of book, and having the sponsee follow those direc-
anyone. The only condition is that he tions.
trust in God and clean house.
Depending on the individual sponsee’s ability to
This is an important message. It’s not up to us to read and to retain what he or she has read, the
help the individual. We have to make certain that actual total meeting time can vary between five and
the people we sponsor do the steps. We have to fifteen hours, spread over three to six meetings.
make certain that they don’t rely on us. I take that The longest time is usually spent on Step Five, but
very seriously. even then the approach I’ve described doesn’t
I sponsor by working through the Big Book. I don’t usually take more than three, maybe four, hours.
do much phone-call sponsoring. I meet with my I’m not suggesting that everyone should sponsor
sponsees face to face. I don’t REQUIRE them to do the way I do, but I am suggesting that, if you find
anything. They don’t phone me every day, they yourself overloaded as a sponsor and unable to
don’t check in with me. I’m there to help them work sponsor other people, you begin to analyze how you
through the steps, and they can work through those sponsor to see if there is a more efficient way.
steps however quickly or slowly they want to. (I
caution them from my own experience how
dangerous it is to work the steps slowly, because The Promises of Recovery:
relapse is just around the corner.)
The Big Book’s promise of recovery is quite clear
I work with them to develop a plan of eating that and quite unconditional:
makes sense to them. I tell them that between the
Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can
time they adopt a plan of eating (become abstinent)
do all sorts of things alcoholics are not
and the time they finish Step Nine, they are in a race
supposed to do. People have said we
to finish Step Nine before their mind persuades
must not go where liquor is served; we
them to relapse. I tell them I’ll do anything to help
must not have it in our homes; we must
them keep abstinent. If that means they phone me shun friends who drink; we must avoid
every day, or phone me at 4:00 a.m. BEFORE they moving pictures which show drinking
eat that doughnut, they can do that. And they can scenes; we must not go into bars; our
be assured of getting from me as much support as friends must hide their bottles if we go to
necessary. But whether they do phone me every their houses; we mustn't think or be
day, or whether they phone me at 4:00 a.m. (no one reminded about alcohol at all. Our expe-
ever has!) is up to them. rience shows that this is not necessarily
so. We meet these conditions every

64
 day. An alcoholic who cannot meet
them, still has an alcoholic mind; there
is something the matter with his spiritual
status. (pages 100-101)
THIS is what the compulsive eater who still suffers
wants to hear! There is no longer any fear. This is
what distinguishes a Twelve-Step program from any
other program that deals with addictions—the
actual freedom to be around the addictive
substance or behavior and not want to indulge in it!
And the Big Book gives us guidelines for going to
places where there is eating. We ask ourselves if we
have “any good social, business or personal reason
for going to this place?” (page 101) If we do, then
we attend to that reason. If we don’t, then we’re
shaky and we’d better find another compulsive
eater to talk to!

Questions:
Here are a few questions for those who are ready to
carry the message:
· Imagine that after a meeting you’re talking
with a newcomer who has only a few
minutes to spend with you. How would
you carry the message to that person?
· You may be the only example of the
program someone who still suffers ever
meets. How do you impart your recovery?
· How do you sponsor? Are you over-
whelmed and aren’t available to those who Tradition Five tells us that the primary purpose
still suffer? Are the people you sponsor of every OA meeting is to carry the message of
more dependent upon you than upon the recovery to those who still suffer.
steps and their higher power? A proper study of that tradition would put an
end to a lot of debate that goes on in OA about
“Tradition Violations”.
The real issue in so many of those debates is
whether or not something helps or hinders car-
rying the message.
We don’t need “Traditions Police” in our pro-
gram. We need people who work hard to figure
out how to carry our message well. We can’t
carry it well if we go against the traditions that
provide us with unity. But that doesn’t mean
that every time someone does something differ-
ent it’s automatically a “violation” of a tradition!

65
 We have to model both of those if we are to be of
Step Twelve Continued: maximum helpfulness to others. We should neither
As the Foreword to the First Edition says, “we have be living in fat serenity nor be white-knuckle
recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind abstaining
and body.” And the promises of this recovery are
We don’t have to be thin to sponsor. Not at all. A
the freedom from the bondage of self and the
person who has 300 pounds to lose/release and who
freedom from the bondage of food.
has recovered within months, and is losing weight,
As the Big Book reminds us, however, “it is easy to is a tremendous inspiration, even if still morbidly
let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on obese. And there are people whose medical condi-
our laurels.” (page 85) Although we have recov- tion is such that they can lose no more weight, but
ered, “we are not cured of alcoholism. What we if they have recovered, they can sponsor beautifully.
really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the
What I am talking about, however—and I have
maintenance of our spiritual condition.” (page 85)
myself been an example of this—are people who
The first two bulwarks of this reprieve are talk about how they have been members of this
continuing to clean house (Step Ten) and trusting in program for a long time, how they have recovered,
our higher power (Step Eleven). The last bulwark is how food is no longer an issue for them, but who do
our job in life—to “be of maximum helpfulness to not appear to have a healthy weight.
others” (page 102). That’s what Step Twelve is
The question they must ask themselves––as I asked
about.
myself––is how well they are carrying the message.
In this chapter I might be kind of provocative. If I Are they carrying the message to the best of their
am, please just remember to take what you like (and ability? I know when I was among them I was not
maybe what you don’t like!) and leave the rest. Take carrying the message well.
a Step Four through Nine and call me in the
On the other hand, having a healthy weight does not
morning!
necessarily provide the message either.
It’s all fun from here on in! We’ve recovered, and
We have to have recovered from the freedom of the
we’re happy, joyous, and free.
bondage of food and of self. We can use OA as a
diet support group without doing the steps. We can
be the OA equivalent of dry drunks—white-knuckle
abstainers. That isn’t a very effective message either.
The responsibility for achieving a
healthy body weight: Recovery from compulsive eating is a product of the
spiritual awakening we have received from the
If we are to be of maximum helpfulness to others, Twelve Steps. It is certainly not weight loss without
we must carry the message to the compulsive eater the steps. And it’s my experience that neither is it
who still suffers, and we must carry that message to the steps without working toward a healthy body
the best of our abilities. What kind of a message are weight.
we carrying to the newcomer in our room, or to the
Now that the definition of “abstinence” has been
person who has been coming for some time but
changed by the group conscience of OA to “the
hasn’t yet worked the steps, if we are not working
action of refraining from compulsive eating and
towards a healthy body weight?
compulsive food behaviors while working towards
The compulsive eater who still suffers wants one or maintaining a healthy body weight”, it’s clear that
thing—normalcy. Now normalcy has two parts. if we claim to be abstinent we must also be working
towards or maintaining a healthy body weight.
The first is the practical one—the certainty that
working the steps will allow that person to look
normal, to lose weight if he or she is overweight,
and to gain weight if he or she is underweight.
Service is different from twelfth
The second is the one the compulsive eater who still step work:
suffers has never had from any other diet
program—the spiritual sanity that provides Step Twelve tells us we have to carry the message.
freedom from food. That is sponsoring. That is speaking at meetings
about our recovery. That is speaking to newcomers

66
or members who are still suffering after the How do we carry the message in
meeting. That is phoning people and meeting
people between meetings. That is speaking at
our meetings?:
workshops. That is leading workshops. On page 133, the Big Book tells us: “We are sure
There is also the work of keeping OA alive. That is God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.” On
unlocking the door, setting up the chairs, making page 160, the Big Book describes how a newcomer
the coffee, publicizing meetings, getting involved in sees an AA meeting: “He succumbed to that gay
Intergroup, Region, or World Service. crowd inside, who laughed at their own misfortunes
and understood his.”
Because the primary purpose of every meeting in OA
and of OA itself is to carry the message, keeping OA · Are your meetings happy and joyous and
alive through the meetings and the structure of OA free?
is vitally important. · Do they talk about recovery?
In and of itself doing this kind of work, however, is · Are they meetings where the very format
not carrying the message; it is merely helping to itself discourages crosstalk and whining?
keep alive a structure in which the message CAN be
carried. There’s a big difference. Let me give you · At a break, or at the end of the meeting, are
an example. newcomers surrounded by people who
want to help them, or are they ignored
When I was relapsing, I was responsible for a because longer-term members are talking
meeting. I unlocked the door, put up the signs, to each other?
arranged the chairs, kept the meeting record, paid
the bills, etc. But I was in relapse. I was carrying the · Does the format stress doing the steps to
wrong message. reach recovery?
When it became clear that the meeting was in · Are there enough sponsors for the
trouble (I was the only constant attendee) I began to newcomers?
look at the reason; and it wasn’t far off—I simply
· Is there laughter?
had to look in the mirror!
· Is there a sense of recovery?
Sure, I was frantically doing service to keep the
meeting alive, but the meeting was of no value · Do people willingly pitch in?
because its only constant attendee was not carrying
the message of recovery. As a matter of fact, by Now that I’ve recovered, I go to meetings not to get
talking the talk but not walking the walk, I was something from them but to give away what was so
carrying a message of hopelessness. freely given to me. I’m lucky to live in a city where
there are OA meetings. I don’t have to scour the
More than that, doing all this work wasn’t giving me food buffets or go to the eating disorder clinics to
any recovery whatsoever! find someone to carry the message to. I just have to
I was doing harm to OA, when you come down to it. go to meetings to find someone to carry the
I was talking about how wonderful OA was, when it message to.
was apparent to everyone except me that OA wasn’t So I suggest you think about your meetings and how
working for me. Really, I wasn’t working the steps, well they carry the message.
so of course OA wasn’t working for me.
What if you’re in a meeting that doesn’t in your
So newcomers who came to the meeting were opinion carry a message that grabs the newcomers?
scared off. Not just from that meeting, but probably What are your options?
from OA as a whole. My service work was not
getting me slim, and it was scaring away prospective I would never consider the following options
members. without putting that meeting, and perhaps some of
its members, into a Step 10 Resentment and Fear
So there’s a big difference between service and consideration. Only that gives me the clarity of
Twelfth Step work! mind to consider these options.
You may find yourself guided to get more involved
rather than less involved. Sure, a meeting which is
sick might be on its deathbed and it might be

67
reasonable simply not to support it and let it die. · When the OA 12 & 12 came out, many
But — and especially if it’s the only meeting avail- people thought it replaced the Big Book.
able to you—maybe, just maybe, it needs a lot of The Board of Trustees put out the Twelfth
love and honesty—it needs that unique quality that Step Workbook and the Step Four Inven-
you, as a recovered compulsive eater, can give! tory Guide, both of them NOT Conference-
approved. Many people stopped using the
Consider as well that you may simply be wrong
directions in the Big Book.
about that meeting. Maybe it’s a perfectly good
meeting and you just have some control issues! (I · Our major growth didn’t necessarily mean
know this is a real possibility, because it has been major recovery. It is entirely possible that
true for me!) You should discuss your feelings with many people came into OA and didn’t do
someone you know who has what you want to see the steps and didn’t recover, or relapsed.
if you’re right or wrong about the quality of a So when we “lost” members, in fact we
meeting. were simply reverting back to a natural
growth. To grow quickly we ultimately
But if you’re right, and it is not a good meeting, you
need a lot of recovered members who will
have three major options.
help those who still suffer.
1. You can simply not go to the meeting. I do not
recommend this option if there are no other meet- · Unlike AA and most other Twelve-Step
ings available. I have been in correspondence with groups, we have two major industries—the
people who have said that they like online meetings food industry and the diet industry—as
because they don’t like the meetings available in well as professions—like dietitians and
their area. They are missing marvellous opportuni- doctors—who try to persuade us that we
ties to carry the message, I think. Moreover, you can eat everything, even our binge foods,
risk isolation by not dealing with your resentments. in moderation, that our only problem is
control, so-called “won’t power”. This
2. You can try to change the format of the meeting feeds into our mental obsession.
by asking for a business meeting and asking the
meeting to go through a group inventory about how · We tend to be nice in OA. We tend to be
well the group is going. Focusing on Tradition Five welcoming and supportive, which is good,
will assist in having people think about whether the but we aren’t always direct. We have (I
group is doing well. have) a tendency to be wishy-washy and
vague so no one is offended. Sometimes
3. You can carry the message your own way no our literature reflects that.
matter what else the meeting is about. You can
make certain that your sharing focuses on recovery I think our increase in members now is attributable
through the steps. You can reach out to to a growing emphasis on the Big Book’s set of
newcomers. You can mention the Big Book. The directions, much clearer literature that talks of
group conscience of OA, the World Service Business recovery and the double whammy of the physical
Conference, has said clearly that no one should be cravings and mental obsession, and a growing sense
restricted from speaking at any OA meeting because of hopelessness among newcomers that other
of a difference in approach to the program. methods they’ve tried simply aren’t working.
OA belongs to us, the members. We have to make
certain that it reflects our best practices, that we
don’t let it stray from its one message—that the
OA in general: Steps work! That’s why we have to get involved at
all levels, including World Service, to make certain
OA has been going through some transition phases.
that OA reflects our message of recovery.
Back in the 1980s we had many more members than
we have now. We started to decline in the early
1990s, but our membership appears to be
increasing these days.
As I look back in my years in OA, I think I can see the
roots of the decline in a few things:

68
 person for recovery. If I depend on a sponsor, then
The Twelve Provocations: where is my dependence on a higher power? Page
Here are twelve provocative propositions, with my 98: “we simply do not stop drinking so long as we
annotations to show how I’ve arrived at each of the place dependence upon other people ahead of
propositions: dependence on God. Burn the idea into the
consciousness of every man that he can get well
1. I am a RECOVERED compulsive eater, not a regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he
recovering one. trust in God and clean house.”
ANNOTATION: In relation to a person who has 4. You can recover in WEEKS.
worked the Twelve Steps and is free from the
bondage of addiction, the Big Book consistently ANNOTATION: It is possible for most people, using
uses the word “recovered” and not “recovering”. the instructions in the Big Book, to finish off Step
The word “recovering” is used only once, and then Nine within two months. If working the steps is a
only to describe someone who is still working priority for you—and it certainly should be if you
through the Steps and is not yet free from the are a member of OA!—you can make the time that’s
bondage of addiction. The Big Book uses “recov- necessary. What, after all, takes time? Step Three
ered” because that word shows a complete change is a prayer said in a minute. Writing Step Four can
in one’s attitude. It is the advertisement to the take a week or so, but there’s not a lot of writing
compulsive overeater who still suffers. I no longer using the forms provided. Step Five using those
have the illness I used to have. True, it’s a bite away. forms (and not reading Columns Two and Three of
True, it’s a “daily reprieve contingent” on my spiri- the Resentment Form) shouldn’t take more than
tuality. But right now, for the moment, I have recov- four or five hours. Steps Six, Seven, and Eight, are
ered from a seemingly hopeless condition of mind done the same day as Step Five. Step Nine may take
and body. The compulsive eater who still suffers a while simply because of the availability of people,
deserves no less from me. I am not full of pride. I but the bulk can be done relatively quickly. Then
am humbled by the clear knowledge that I was you should have recovered. Steps Ten, Eleven, and
unable to accomplish this on my own; I had to Twelve, keep you recovered.
surrender completely and admit that I was power- 5. The Tools of Recovery are NOT an essential part
less; and only then could I begin to find the power of the OA program.
that has caused my recovery.
ANNOTATION: All OA stands for is the Twelve Steps
2. Abstinence is NOT the most important thing in of Recovery. The Tools pamphlet is helpful if a
my life without exception; the consciousness of the person has adopted a plan of eating and has not yet
presence of God is. recovered—in that case the Tools provide things for
ANNOTATION: Page 51: "When many hundreds of people to do instead of eating compulsively. But
people are able to say that the consciousness of the the Tools are not a substitute for the steps. It is true
Presence of God is today the most important fact of that working the steps may often involve using a
their lives . . . " The point is that so long as I live on tool. Doing Step Four and Step Ten means that
a spiritual basis working the Twelve Steps, I am sane you’ll be Writing. Sponsoring means you’ll be using
in relation to food. So long as I am sane, I am free the Telephone and going to Meetings and Spon-
from any temptation to return to the insanity of the soring. Working the Steps means you’ll be reading
food. Therefore I am abstinent. It’s not because I Literature. But the point is that you’re doing the
work at being abstinent. It’s because I work at STEPS, not doing a tool.
being sane! 6. You DON’T take Steps One and Two.
3. Although a sponsor, if available, is very impor- ANNOTATION: Steps One and Two are acknowledge-
tant for recovery, a sponsor is not NECESSARY to ment steps. You study them to understand the
recover. Problem (Step One), which is Powerlessness, and the
ANNOTATION: The Big Book was written as a text- Solution (Step Two), which is Power. But the Big
book for people who had no sponsors. Its instruc- Book has no instructions for doing Steps One or
tions work even if there are no sponsors available. Two. As a matter of fact, Step Two is not even
The point of this proposition is that no one should mentioned as a step in the text of the Big Book
use the lack of sponsors as an EXCUSE not to do the other than in the list of steps on page 59.
steps. No one should be dependent on another

69
7. Steps Three, Six, Seven, and Eight, should not message is one of the prerequisites for continuing
take a long time to get through. recovery. As Dr. Bob is reputed to have said: Clean
House (Step Ten), Trust God (Step Eleven), Help
ANNOTATION: These are the steps which Bill put in
Others (Step Twelve). Helping OA out is a way of
to make certain there were no loopholes. The
making certain that OA carries the message as well.
instructions for them in the Big Book certainly indi-
But there are “service junkies” in OA who think that
cate that they are not the huge steps that some
doing service will give them recovery. It doesn’t, at
commentaries have made. They are stations on the
least from the Big Book perspective. It provides the
way; you have to pay attention to them and be
method for carrying the message, and carrying the
conscious of them; but they should not take a long
message keeps our recovery because it’s Step
time if you work the steps the Big Book way.
Twelve, but Steps Four through Nine are what bring
8. You don’t make amends to yourself. us recovery. And doing just Steps One and Twelve
will not bring about recovery.
ANNOTATION: We often hear, “the first person I
have to make amends to is myself”, and what that is 11. Food CAN be discussed at meetings.
code for is “I have to learn to say no, I have to learn
ANNOTATION: Page 101: “In our belief any scheme
to take care of myself.” The Big Book is outer-
of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield
directed, not inward-directed. Sure, you have to
the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure.”
take care of yourself—but that’s because you have
How do you think it would sound if at an AA
an obligation to carry the message, and how can you
meeting someone said, “And then I picked up a
carry the message well if you’re not in good shape.
glass filled with a yellow fizzy liquid and drank it?”
And you should be saying no if saying yes would
If people who have not recovered get uneasy with
allow another person to come to harm, as it often
stories about food, then that’s their problem. And
does when people exploit your people-pleasing
if they eat over it, then maybe they’ll get desperate
nature and they harm themselves by doing harm to
enough to do the steps, which will bring them
you. But notice how this is all recast into thinking
recovery.
about others and not yourself. If there is anything
the Big Book stands for, it is that your needs and 12. Every person who wants to be a member of OA
your ego should not stand in the way of being useful should know exactly what having “a desire to stop
to your higher power. Now, it is absolutely true that eating compulsively” means.
you end up making amends to yourself by making
ANNOTATION: Page 96: “We find it a waste of time
amends to those you have harmed. Because amends
to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work
to those you have harmed allows your character
with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may
defects to be removed. And having your character
soon become convinced that he cannot recover by
defects removed is in fact the greatest amends you
himself. To spend too much time on any one situa-
can make to yourself!
tion is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity
9. You should NOT sponsor until after you have to live and be happy.”
completed Step Nine.
I come at this from a personal perspective. I was in
In this context “sponsor” means carrying the relapse and was dying in this program. But if people
message. ANNOTATION: Page 164: “Obviously you asked me how I was, I would tell them, “Fine!” and
cannot transmit something you haven’t got.” If you they would say, “Great to hear that. Keep coming
have not recovered, you can still be helpful to back! We love you. Love to hear you talk.” One day
people (there are meetings where no one has recov- the shyest person in the room asked me how I was,
ered, and at those meetings people help each other but this time when I said, “Fine!”, she said, “I mean
out), but the Big Book is clear that what appeals to REALLY!” And I fell apart and admitted I was in
the compulsive eater who still suffers is a person trouble. She was courageous and loving enough to
who has been there, but isn’t “there” any more, confront me, and if she hadn’t, I have no idea
someone who has recovered from a seemingly whether I would ever have emerged from relapse.
hopeless condition of mind and body.
Certainly I would have been in relapse much much
10. Service is NOT slimming. longer and might have done permanent damage to
my body. But if I hadn’t broken down and admitted
ANNOTATION: “Service”, as I’ve discussed above, is
I was in trouble, and if instead I had said to her,
to be distinguished from “carrying the message”
“You have no right to take my inventory!” then I
through sponsorship and outreach. Carrying the
would have gone back to eating badly; perhaps I

70
would then have finally realized that I was powerless
over food, that my life was unmanageable.
The Big Book is clear that we have a duty to be honest
and straightforward. And if people are using our meet-
ings as coffee klatsches or pity pots and aren’t doing the
steps, why aren’t we confronting them with love and
compassion, why aren’t we making it uncomfortable for
them just to wallow in self-pity and fat?
There are a lot of groups that offer support for weight
loss. We offer something else in addition to that support
– the Twelve Steps that give us freedom from compulsive
eating. That’s different from support. Some people need
only some support, only some guidance about what to
eat and how much to eat, only some sense of encourage-
ment. That’s not what OA is about. It’s about the Twelve
Steps and it’s for people who are addicted.
Sure, Tradition Three tells us that the only requirement
for OA membership is the desire to stop eating compul-
sively. But doesn’t each person who attends our meet-
ings owe it to us and to OA as a whole to consider
whether he or she REALLY wants to stop eating compul-
sively? And doesn’t each meeting owe to any prospec-
tive compulsive eater an explanation of exactly what it
means to have a desire to stop eating compulsively?
It isn’t enough to want to diet, to lose weight, to be
lonely and want a support group. To stop eating compul-
sively means to be free from the obsession that keeps the pivotal role they played as co-founders of AA.
returning us to eating foods, food ingredients, and/or
eating behaviors that cause us uncontrollable cravings.
We owe a responsibility to make that clear. · What are the strong points of the meetings you
Conclusion: go to? What are the weak points?

The Big Book is tough. It’s down to earth. It doesn’t · Do the meetings you go to make doing the steps
mince words. I once heard something like this in OA: a priority? If not, what do they do, and what do
“Truth without compassion is cruel. Compassion you think about that?
without truth is harmful.” Certainly everything we say · Are you a service junkie? Why?
has to be full of love and tolerance and compassion. But
we harm people if we don’t tell them the truth. And as · Do you know people in OA who are being killed
people-pleasers, many of us in OA may know how to do with kindness, who are clearly relapsing or not
the compassion bit, but we shy away from the truth bit. doing the steps, and who are not being
confronted with love? What ideas do you have
So let’s think about how we treat our fellow-OAer who’s
for talking to people like that?
still suffering. Are we killing that person with kindness?

Questions:
Here are some questions:
· What do you think about the proposition that a
recovered OA member owes a duty to reach a
healthy body weight?

71
 I get? It’s just a matter of weeks before I’ll recover. What
Questions and responses: can I do for that short time while I’m working on my steps?
Here are some questions I was asked toward the end of Abstinence may or may not mean the end of cravings. It
the Step Study I did online, on which this booklet has means only the end of compulsive eating. Our bodies
been based, and my responses to each of them: may still be quite hooked, or they may after a time not
react quite the same. They’re two different things.
How do we get abstinent before doing the steps?: It may be that the writer is using the word “cravings” to
describe the mental obsession that keeps us going back
I'm having a hard time with the concept of abstinence. For me, to food. That is guaranteed to go away, a day at a time,
that means refraining from eating my 'trigger foods', the ones when we have finished Step Nine. The key is getting to
that cause me to relapse. I understand abstinence is essential Step Nine as soon as possible.
for AA, NA, etc. They have to stop drinking, stop using, and I
have to stop eating my trigger foods. I understand that this
needs to be done BEFORE we can be actively 'working the How can a person with deep spiritual beliefs not believe
Steps'. My question is how do we do that, without working in God?:
the Steps? Isn't that the same as willpower? And the BB tells
us that willpower never works for us. (IT sure doesn't for me, You wrote in Step 1: “I'm Jewish (but an agnostic, which I'll
either!) To “just say no” seems so much like willpower, and talk about when we get to Step Two)” And in Step 12: “2.
combined with a food plan, sounds just like all the diets I've Abstinence is NOT the most important thing in my life without
ever tried. So how do we get abstinence? And does abstinence exception; the consciousness of the presence of God is.” If you
mean the end of cravings? Mine haven't ended. They are less are Agnostic, which means that you suspend judgment, saying
frequent now, and a little easier to resist, at times. But I still that there are not sufficient grounds either for affirmation or
have them and still give in to them, so I relapse often and have for denial of God, it seems you are not Agnostic at all. If the
to start the Steps over again. So what is the answer about consciousness of the presence of God is the most important
abstinence? thing in your life, this just doesn't sound like words of an
Agnostic, but those of someone who has a deep faith that there
RESPONSE: I appreciate this question because it allows is a God. So my question is, would you make me understand
me to clarify my thinking. How do we get abstinent how you resolve those two seemingly conflicting statements?
before doing the Steps? We become desperate enough I have a deep personal interest in this because, while I was
about our own inability to control our food, and hopeful raised Presbyterian, minored in religion in college and
that if we can keep to our plan of eating for a few weeks converted to Catholicism as a young adult, I consider myself
or a few months and work the Steps to the best of our an Agnostic, not religious at all but with a deep spiritual side.
ability, we will finally be free of the food.
RESPONSE: I am indeed an agnostic. There are no
It’s NOT willpower. It’s desperation. It’s hanging in sufficient grounds, in my opinion for affirmation or
there. It’s just a day at a time. This is not the condition denial of God.
we’re striving toward. It’s just a temporary thing.
Outside of twelve-step fellowships, the word “God”
We do whatever we have to do to keep abstinent while means “a personal omnipotent person or persons or
we’re working the Steps. If that means we have a food thing”. When I speak to someone who’s not a member
buddy, or that we weigh and measure, or that we rid our of OA or any other Twelve Step Fellowship, I say clearly
home of our binge foods, or whatever—we do what we that I am an agnostic.
have to do. Cravings are cravings. They don’t have to be
fulfilled. To give in to our cravings is, of course, the In OA, however, “God” doesn’t mean what it means in the
essence of our mental obsession. outside world. “God” means “anything of my own under-
standing which is higher (or more important) than I am”.
So I don’t have an easy answer. The person who wrote
has to be so desperate that he or she will do ANYTHING That was the question my first sponsor asked me: Is there
to stop eating compulsively AND to work the steps. One anything that is more important than I am? Well, sure
thing I can suggest is to work out a plan. First, what is there is! I have all kinds of beliefs in things that, if put to
my plan for doing the steps? Do I have a sponsor, can I the test, I’d like to think I would consider more impor-
make an appointment for doing Steps Three and Step tant than even my life. Certainly I am morally certain that
Five with that person, so that I have something to look I would give up my life for my wife or my daughters. So
forward to? Second, what is my plan for not eating clearly love is more important than I am. And theoreti-
compulsively? What tools should I use? What help can cally (because I’ve never had to face the issue) I’d like to
think that I am courageous enough to die for truth or

72
justice. And beautiful things overwhelm me and make may say no to people whom I used to enable; I may take
me feel very humble, so that I believe that beauty is personal time to get into better shape and to relax. But
something that is more important than I am. the REASON I am doing those things is to help others and
to make amends. My job is to be of maximum helpful-
So I have decided that my Higher Power consists of the
ness to others, the Big Book says at page 102. That is
abstract notions of Truth, Love, Justice, and Beauty.
what I have to keep in mind!
From “We Agnostics” in the Big Book I take it that my
problem is that I have blocked myself off from Truth,
Love, Justice, and Beauty—or what I will call God
Difference between Step 10 and before nighttime Step
according to the Third and Eleventh Step. As I work the
11 inventories:
steps, and my defects of character are removed by Step
Nine, I am no longer blocked, and Truth, Love, Justice, My question is: Am I doing a Step 10, including Steps 4-9,
and Beauty become my guides in life. I live my life for when I do a Step 11, including Steps 4-9, the way the Step
those concepts and not for myself or for my own ideas of Eleven form suggests for Evening Meditation? When I take a
what should be. Step 10 am I automatically doing a Step 11? I know that
there are two different sets of questions for each Step. Does 10
When people who believe in a personal God say they get
supersede 11 or vice versa?
their “direction” from God, their concept seems to me
that they feel as if they are “pushed” into a certain RESPONSE: There is one major similarity between Step
direction. I get my direction from Truth, Love, Justice, Ten /and the nighttime Step Eleven, but many major
and Beauty, by using those concepts as a kind of a differences. At least that’s how I see it, and I could be
magnetic North Pole—they are the direction I go toward. wrong!
Sure, I have to make adjustments in reading the Big Similarity: they both incorporate the concepts of doing
Book, which was, truth to tell, written by middle-aged Steps Four through Nine.
ex-gutter-drunk white Christians who tried their best to
Differences: The Step Eleven meditation is not done on
be as inclusive as possible, but didn’t always succeed.
paper, deals only with the past day, is done daily, and
But I’m not perfect either, and I understand, from their
doesn't necessarily require a Step Five. Step Ten is done
attempts to be inclusive, that they had the best of inten-
on paper (using the forms or at least the BB instructions),
tions!
is done as needed, requires a formal Step Five, and deals
with anything that is on your mind.
Amends to yourself?: Practically speaking, Step Ten is a "mop-up"—that is, it
picks up on the long-term issues that weren't covered in
You said “8. You DON’T make amends to yourself.” Tell me
Step Eleven. Practically speaking, the more carefully you
why my thinking on this is wrong because I go by that phrase
do Step Eleven, the fewer Step Tens you will probably
in the prayer “The Our Father”––”Forgive us our trespasses AS
have to do!
WE FORGIVE THOSE who have trespassed upon us”. Wouldn't
then forgiving others first, then be making amends to myself? Here’s an example. My mother was quite ill for four
I thought that by stopping/or changing my self-abusive years, and in those four years my father spent a great
behavior, I was making amends to myself? deal of energy taking care of her. Every day I might do a
Step Eleven thinking about her and my father, but it
RESPONSE: Yes, precisely! By changing our behavior we
would be in the context of THAT day. I would think of
make amends to ourselves. But we change our behavior
any interactions I had with either of them, or whether I
in order to undo the harms we have caused others! We
had even spoken to or seen them that day.
look outward not inward! We don’t try to make amends
to ourselves. We make amends to others, and in doing But every so often, when I found myself getting very
so, change ourselves into different people—people who moody, I would do a Step Ten and just put my mother
are not blocked off from the sunlight of the spirit by and my father down on the resentment form. I would
selfishness, dishonesty, self-seeking, and fear. discover a whole bunch of long-range issues dealing with
my entire reaction to my mother’s illness and my father’s
My proposition that “you don’t make amends to your-
role as well—things relating to self-pity (I don’t have the
self” is intended to deal with the quite popular concept
mother of my childhood) to fear (will it hurt my father’s
that we have to take actions that make us FEEL better.
relationship with my mother) to selfishness (I just don’t
The only way that we will ultimately feel better is to
want her sick). So the Step Ten was a big one. My Step
make amends to others, and thus have our character
Elevens dealt with day-to-day issues.
defects removed. It is true that in making amends to
others, I may take actions that ultimately benefit me; I

73
That, at any rate, is how I see it. But many Big Book or 200 or 300 pounds but they are still working towards
thumpers actually see the nighttime Step Eleven as being losing hundreds more. Even obese, they are inspirations.
an occasion for doing a complete Step Ten, writing They are beacons of hope to so many people who are
things down on paper and phoning their sponsors and morbidly obese.
working out Steps Eight & Nine, every day.
And I know others who are tremendously overweight but
have worked the steps quickly and have achieved
recovery; but they are also working towards losing much
If you’re not a normal weight are you credible?:
more weight. And they are inspirations as well.
I was feeling a bit let down by your last post. It seems to me
As well, I know people who have recovered who simply
that you are saying if a person is not a normal weight,
can’t achieve a healthy body weight, for various medical
whatever that means, is not very credible to others at
reasons. They might be taking medication. Their metab-
meetings. I have been in program since 1991 and have had
olism might be shut down. There may be many other
success in losing weight. I did however use OA as a diet. It
reasons. And they’re inspirations as well.
wasn't until three years ago that I immersed myself in the BB
step study process. I studied and worked very hard at it. I In meetings and one-on-one all of these people explain,
was sick last winter and was housebound for over three however, that they have recovered from the bondage of
months. I could not go to meetings all winter long and as a food but are still in the process of losing their weight or
result, I went into relapse. I am fighting my way out of it just physically cannot lose any more weight.
now. You alluded to being in relapse so you must understand
They do that because they feel an OBLIGATION to
what that feels like. I hate going to my old meetings because
provide hope to the newcomer who still suffers. And
of my weight. Right now I need encouragement from people
what kind of hope is there if a person who is grossly
like yourself who have walked my path. I do have spiritual
overweight talks to a newcomer who wants to lose
recovery and people do have respect for me. I feel like I've
weight about how wonderful the Twelve Steps are, if
been put under a microscope after I read your post. I hope
that person doesn’t explain his or her condition?
and pray that I will regain the willingness I had years ago and
will go forward. Step Twelve tells me to carry the message of recovery to
those who still suffer. I believe that means I have to carry
RESPONSE: I am very sorry that I didn’t make myself it to the best of my ability. To carry it to the best of my
clear in a number of ways. I think it is wonderful that this ability means that I cannot be content to have achieved
person is fighting his/her way out of relapse; I have
freedom from the bondage of food without working to
indeed been in relapse and know how difficult it is.
make certain that it shows on me physically.
I want to make it clear that the first issue is not how
I hope that’s clearer. I don’t think anyone need feel
much weight one has lost (assuming one was over-
defensive in this program. We are all who we are, all
weight), but whether that person has recovered through
joining together because we have a desire to stop eating
the Twelve Steps.
compulsively. We have an obligation to be loving and
If a person has recovered through the Twelve Steps— honest, but we don’t have a right to judge anyone else.
and remember, when I use the word “recovered”, I mean But I have no problem with suggesting that each recov-
that the person has had “the personality change suffi- ered OAer reflect on whether he or she is doing every-
cient to bring about recovery from” compulsive eating thing possible to carry the best message.
(the definition from the Appendix on Spiritual
Ultimately the people we have to think about most are
Experience)—then that person is able to help others and
compulsive eaters who still suffer. They are the most
be an inspiration to others. I trust that is what this
important people in the room. We have to make certain
person means by having achieved “spiritual recovery”.
that they see hope in the rooms!
The second issue comes AFTER recovery. That comes
The definition of “abstinence” has been changed by the
from my suggestion that we have a duty to be a model in group conscience of OA to be: “Abstinence in Over-
the program in order to help the newcomer. And that eaters Anonymous is the action of refraining from
means, I think, that we have a duty to WORK TOWARDS compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while
a healthy body weight. It doesn’t mean we have to BE at
working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight.”
a healthy body weight in order to help the newcomer. It
This emphasizes the importance our group conscience
means we have to work TOWARDS a healthy body
gives to reaching and maintaining a healthy body weight.
weight. Note I say “healthy” and not “normal” or “thin”.
It is our responsibility to do so!
I have met many people in the program who have been
morbidly obese who have recovered. They have lost 100

74
The issue of service: things kept going. Other people should not compensate
for the lack of volunteers. If I have taken on a job, I’ll do
You wrote: “I was doing harm to OA, when you come down
that job. But I’m not going to do three other jobs simply
to it. I was talking about how wonderful OA was, when it was
because the jobs exist!
apparent to everyone except me that OA wasn’t working for
me. Really, I wasn’t working the steps, so of course OA wasn’t In the end, an OA meeting needs very little to function
working for me. So newcomers who came to the meeting were other than a place and some publicity. Sure, it would be
scared off. Not just from that meeting, but probably from OA great to have regular business meetings. And sure, it is
as a whole. My service work was not getting me slim, and it very important that literature be available and coffee be
was scaring away prospective members.” We have many made. And it would be great to send someone to
Trusted Servants and need many more. They are receiving a intergroup. But if not, then not!
mixed message. For example, a secretary of a support group
And if intergroup doesn’t have someone to buy literature
begins to slip and heads into relapse. We get a letter—”Sorry,
or to put out the newsletter or to chair the meetings,
I must leave. I owe it to my recovery.” So, the busiest among
then maybe intergroup should figure out why it needs to
us begin looking for replacements or doing it ourselves. They
exist for the time being.
announce their departure and why to their Trusted Servant list
and, like dominoes, others follow suit. Multiply this many I believe that OA has to focus on recovery first. Every-
times over,and pretty soon we find ourselves with our main job thing else follows. I think that’s why our membership is
being finding people to welcome newcomers, say goodbye to increasing after a large decline. We lost members over a
others, lead meetings and dozens of other things. And the end decade ago. That meant that we couldn’t do all the
result is that the division of labor becomes so much for some fantastic things that we had done before. We had to
that burn-out occurs as they try to keep their support group focus on keeping our shrinking meetings alive. And the
going so that those who need to leave for their “recovery.” So only way to keep them alive was to work the Steps
my question becomes: Do you feel someone who loves resolutely.
program, hates the non-abstinent state they're in, should leave
When we did that we recovered. And when we recov-
their service job as a result?
ered we attracted more people. And when we attracted
RESPONSE: This is a good point. I’m sorry I didn’t make more people, our meetings grew stronger and there
myself clear. You don’t have to be recovered to do a lot were more of them. And more people were available to
of service work in this program. It doesn’t take recovery do the jobs that were now needed.
to be able to be responsible for the keys, making the
They were doing them not to “do service” but because
coffee, putting out the literature, passing on announce- they recognized that OA was carrying a great message
ments, collecting money, helping out at the silent
and was a beacon of hope for the compulsive eater who
auction or at the convention—in short, doing all the
still suffers. Thus OA as a whole is beginning to prosper
things that just keep OA running. And doing that kind of
as a result.
work can keep us busy and feeling responsible and
feeling connected. The Twelve Steps do not belong to OA. We are simply
guardians of the Twelve Steps. They have been
The Big Book says that we can’t give away what we don’t
entrusted to us. If we stray from them, we don’t deserve
have; and that means that if we have not recovered, we
to keep them as ours. If a meeting, or an intergroup, or
can’t carry the message of the Twelve Steps. But that
even OA as a whole, isn’t carrying a message of recovery,
doesn’t mean we shouldn’t help keep our lifeline, OA, then its reason for existence is no longer valid. Luckily
alive! we are finding that we are carrying a great message of
When I said that “service isn’t slimming” I meant only recovery, and therefore putting our energies into OA is
that service is not a SUBSTITUTE for doing the steps. worth while!
Service can be an adjunct for doing the steps. It can help
keep us from returning to the food WHILE we’re doing
the steps and recovering. Constantly judged in meetings because of weight:
I feel I am constantly being judged by how much weight I am
I also think this: if a meeting doesn’t have enough people
to perform all the functions of that meeting, then that losing in the rooms, and they won’t let you speak at some
meetings until you get 30 days of abstinence. That, coupled
meeting should consider whether it really needs all those
functions or whether it should simply work on the with not being able to mention "food", who wants to talk
recovery of its members. That’s tough talk. anyway . . . at least in an AA meeting people can be honest,
and share their "pain" openly, and not be reprimanded for it.
But if there aren’t enough people to keep things going,
The food obsession and sugar addiction has been harder for
then they should suffer the consequences of not having

75
me than the alcohol, and I really don't feel supported in the What if you live in a place where there are meetings that
rooms of OA. These internet meetings and step studies have appear to be crummy? Try to change them. I discussed
helped me more than face to face meetings. this aspect last week in some detail. After you have
analyzed your own motives and perspective through a
RESPONSE: As I explained in the last chapter the Big
Step Ten (Four through Nine) and have determined that
Book’s approach to the steps certainly suggests that
the meetings really are not good, then start thinking
meetings should be able to mention specific foods. Fear
about all those compulsive eaters who go to those meet-
is not a good reason for doing anything, and meetings
ings and never recover, or are completely turned off by
that prohibit the mention of specific foods do not seem
what they think is OA and never return. Aren’t you doing
to me to be trusting that the message of recovery
them harm by not helping them out? You could make
through the Twelve Steps will overcome fears like that.
certain that when you speak at one of those lousy meet-
It is against OA World Service Business Policy, the group ings that you give a clear positive message. You could
conscience of OA, to prevent anyone from sharing at a try to change the meeting through a group inventory.
meeting because of where they are in the program. I am You could try to create a new meeting that gives a good
sorry that there are meetings where people are actually message. You could volunteer to speak to the
prevented from speaking. I don’t think that’s particularly newcomer. You could make yourself available to
welcoming. sponsor. There are all kinds of ways for you to help the
newcomer or the person who still suffers!
On the other hand, a meeting I go to recently voted to
switch from going around the room to asking for volun- But you’ve having trouble recovering yourself because
teers to speak. That has had a fascinating effect on the the meetings available to you don’t have recovered
meeting. The people who speak most often are those people in them, and they’re clique-ish, and they don’t
who are filled with enthusiasm and hope. Those who are allow this or that to happen, and you can’t share, and
feeling down find people to speak to after the meeting. there’s no one to sponsor, or no one recovered enough
Their hope doesn’t come from speaking at a meeting or to sponsor, etc., etc. Well, the Big Book says you don’t
even sharing their feelings at a meeting. Their hope need a sponsor if you can’t get one. There’s no one else
comes from the Twelve Steps. to blame but yourself. Do what the Big Book says.
Recover. Then go to those meetings and make them
Although OA meetings provide a great deal of support,
better by your recovered presence!
they are not support groups. They are groups that are
dedicated to carrying the message of recovery through But isn’t it enough simply to type on my computer, to
the Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous! participate in these online meetings? I can’t speak for
everyone, of course. I know that for me, typing on the
I want to talk more, though, about face to face meetings.
computer sometimes requires a great deal of concentra-
tion for me; but it also allows me to be distracted. With
today’s multi-tasking computers, I can be on a chatline,
The importance of face to face meetings:
look at my e-mail, play solitaire, and have music playing.
People have written in who say that they don’t go to face At a face to face OA meeting there are simply people who
to face meetings because the meetings aren’t very good. are recovering and people who are suffering, and they
I’ve also heard from people who say that there are no gather for only one purpose and do nothing else but try
face to face meetings where they live. I want to talk to fulfill that purpose.
about the importance of face to face meetings.
More than that, when I’m on a computer I am physically
If I lived in a part of the world where there were no isolated. For me, it’s not much different from being on
meetings at all, I would try to create them. I have to find the phone. Both of those separate me from my body and
compulsive eaters who still suffer. I have to carry the from other people’s bodies. I can’t look people in the
message of recovery to them. If there are no meetings eye or hear their voices, or hug them, or hold their
where you live, you have a rare opportunity. You can be hands. I am limited in my sense and cannot be as
a founder! You can plant the seed in your own home sensitive to them as I would like to be.
ground! I don’t mean to denigrate online meetings. They provide
It’s not hard to start a meeting. It just requires some all kinds of wonderful qualities. They are there when you
dedication. And that dedication comes from necessity. need them. They provide a world of recovery that we
You’ll die if you don’t find some other compulsive eaters often can’t find in our little neck of the woods. They
who still suffer! allow us to think a lot about what has been said because
we can reread or listen to a recording of what has been
said. And of course there are people who for many

76
different reasons are simply physically unable to go to I can.” What if they are simply in denial and say, “No, I’m
meetings. They may have a debilitating illness that fine, no problems whatsoever”? You might be more
immobilizes them. Online meetings are a godsend for direct and say, “You are visibly gaining weight; I’m
them and a wonderful thing in and of themselves. concerned about your health. What is going on with
you?”
But if you are capable of going to a meeting, think about
why you’re not going to that meeting. Do a Step Four Of course not everyone will suddenly respond as I did
through Nine or a Step Ten on that issue. Are any of the when confronted. Some people might simply say,
reasons related to fear, or a sense of not being in control, “Thanks for being concerned, but I don’t need any help.”
or shame or guilt? Those are pretty heavy things to carry And maybe you’re wrong and they don’t need help. Or
about! maybe you’ve just planted the seeds of doubt in them
and they’ll come to you or someone else for help in the
Now that I have recovered on a daily basis, I do Steps Ten
future. Some people might be so offended that they
through Twelve to maintain my spiritual fitness. I clean
don’t come to meetings for a while; but they’ll be back,
house (Step Ten), I trust God (Step Eleven), and I help
this time realizing how resentments are killing them. At
others (Step Twelve). I MUST do Step Twelve or I will
least you’ll have done what you think is right!
lose my recovery! I don’t want to do that.
Going to meetings is the easiest way to find people to
help. I have to keep myself available. And the best way
of doing that is by going to as many meetings as I can
(without neglecting the obligations I owe to my work
and my family and my friends) and carrying the best
message I can.

How to talk to someone who’s still suffering:

I’ve been asked by a number of people how to talk to
someone who’s been in the program for a long time and
appears to be suffering, perhaps gaining weight, yet talks
with a lot of authority about the program and the steps.
Some OAers call these “fat serenity” people; the implica-
tion is that they talk a lot about serenity, and have simply
learned to accept their overeating. Since I was certainly
one of those people, I do have a process that you might
consider.
The first suggestion is that you do or say nothing until
you have done a Step Ten with that person or those
people down as a resentment. Remember that Step Ten
is Steps Four through Nine in the context of recovery.
You MUST make certain that you have analyzed your
own motives before you even do or say anything, and the
only way I know how to do that is to go through Step
Ten. Step Ten is the perfect way of making certain that
anything you do you do for the good of other people,
and not for your own comfort or sense of control.
If after going through Step Ten you come to the conclu-
sion that you ultimately do more harm to those persons
or to OA by remaining silent, than you would do harm by
saying something and thus maybe hurting their feelings,
then pray for the right thing to say.
Certainly one way of talking to people in that situation
is: “I may be wrong, but I feel that you are having
difficulties, and I would like to help you in whatever way

77
 walking on a road which provides us with a happy
Conclusion: destiny.
This is the end of the Step Study from a Big Book During our lives, and at the end of our lives, we will know
perspective. I want to emphasize that I am only a that we have been useful to some other people. We will
student and not a teacher. I am simply a recovered fat know that no matter what we have done in our lives and
glutton who has been given a second chance in life and no matter what we have suffered in our lives, everything
is trying to carry a message I have learned from others. that has happened to us has been given meaning and has
I hope no one will be offended by anything I’ve said; but made us more fulfilled than we have ever been before.
I hope people will be challenged by what I’ve said to We will know that we can be changed into useful people.
figure out how—for them on a personal level—they can We will know what it means to be happy, joyous, and
carry the message of recovery through the Twelve Steps free! What a gift we have received! Let’s give it away!
to the best of their ability.
Abandon yourself to God as you understand
If you ever have any questions, please don’t hesitate to God. Admit your faults to Him and to your
contact me personally by e-mail at the link found at fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your
www.oabigbook.info. I love to hear about the spread of past. Give freely of what you find and join
the Big Book’s message of recovery within OA. us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship
There are many ways of doing the Twelve Steps. I know of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some
people far more spiritual than I who didn’t use the Big of us as you trudge the Road of Happy
Book’s set of instructions for doing the steps; so I know Destiny. May God bless you and keep
that the Big Book approach is only one of many. It has, you—until then.
however, two advantages. The first is that its approach
to the problem and the solution—the simple concepts of
the physical cravings and the mental obsession, and the
spiritual solution of removing the mental obsession—is
clear and makes sense to most compulsive eaters. The
second is that it provides a powerful method of
achieving recovery relatively quickly.
So if you’re recovered, don’t change what you’re doing
simply for the sake of change. If you haven’t recovered,
on the other hand, you owe it to yourself at least to
consider the Big Book’s approach. One thing is certain:
if the Steps aren’t working for you, then YOU aren’t
working the Steps! Find a way to work the Steps and you
will recover!
Let me end with page 164 of the Big Book.
Just a note before quoting the passage. The second-last
sentence has the word “trudge” in it. I know what some
people say it means. They try to put a happy face on it.
They say that “trudge” means “ to walk with a deter-
mined pace”. Not according to any good dictionary! No,
it means what it sounds like—“to walk with a weary
pace”.
So we have our work cut out for us. The Big Book
doesn’t promise us a trouble-free life. As a matter of fact,
it promises us a lot of work. There is a world of people
dying from our illness, hopeless and despairing. We
have a solution. Maybe it’ll work for them. But it’s hard
work for us! So as we walk with a weary pace, as we do
the hard work of carrying the message of recovery
through the Twelve Steps, we are at least—and at last!—

78
Appendices

79
 Appendix One––Schematic Outline
Schematic Outline of the first 103 pages of the Big Book

I. The Doctor’s Opinion

A. First letter (xxiii–xxiv): You may rely absolutely on anything they say about themselves.
B. The authors summarize the second letter (xxiv–xxv)—[T]he body of the alcoholic is quite as
abnormal as his mind. . . . In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this
physical factor is incomplete.
C. Second letter (xxv–xxx): [T]hey cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of
craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy
which differentiates these people . . . .

II. Chapter 1: Bill’s Story

A. Alcohol is the high part of life (1–5)
B. Alcohol becomes a necessity (5–7)
C. The kind doctor explains the physical craving and the mental obsession; but self-knowledge doesn’t
work (7)
D. Bill reaches the bottom—Bill’s Step 1 (8)
E. Ebby tells Bill about the religious solution and expands it to create the spiritual solution, open to
all—Bill’s Step 2 (9–12)
F. Bill takes Steps 3 through 9 (13)
G. Bill has a spiritual experience (14)
H. Bill works Steps 10 through 12 (14–16)

III. Chapter 2: There is a Solution

A. We have solved the drink problem and are united by a common solution (the Twelve Steps) (17)
B. Alcoholism is an illness which has not been solved by professionals but alcoholics can be reached
through fellow-suffers (18–19)
C. This book is our attempt to provide the solution to all your problems by telling you what we did
(19–20)
D. The summary of the alcoholic problem:
1. The physical craving overwhelms the alcoholic; once he starts drinking, he cannot stop (21–22)
2. The mental obsession tells him that he does not have the physical reaction, so that he can go
back to drinking even when sober: Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in
his mind, rather than in his body. (22–25)
E. There is a solution—deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our
whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God’s universe. (25–26) (And note
footnotes leading us to the Appendix on “Spiritual Experience”, 569–570.)
F. Rowland Hazard's encounter with Dr. Jung—spiritual experiences, or huge emotional displace-
ments and rearrangements are necessary, but cannot usually be reached through religion for the
true alcoholic (26–28)
G. This book contains clear-cut directions . . . showing how we recovered. (28–29)

IV. Chapter 3: More about Alcoholism

A. The mental obsession in general: The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his
drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. (30)
B. We must smash the delusion that we will ever become physically normal—the craving will always
hit us if we drink alcohol (30–32)
1. The man of thirty—his falling victim first, to the mental obsession, and then, to the physical
craving, after twenty-five years of sobriety (32–33)

C. Will-power is not sufficient for the alcoholic; we’ll give examples so you can see whether you are an
alcoholic (33–35)

80
 1. Jim—the car salesman who had a bad day; who had knowledge about himself but gave it all up
for the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk! (35–37)
2. The jay-walker, who knows the danger but can’t stop (37–39)
3. Fred—the accountant who had a good day; who had self-knowledge and knew the problem,
but decided that it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. (39–42)

D. Summary: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first
drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a
defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power. (43)

V. Chapter 4: We Agnostics
A. We need a spiritual experience to conquer the illness; although this may appear to pose difficulties
for the agnostic or atheist, don’t worry (44)
B. Will-power isn’t enough; we don’t have enough power to overcome alcoholism: We had to find a
power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves . Obviously.
But where and how were we to find this Power? Well, that’s exactly what this book is about.
Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your
problem. (44–46)
C. All we need is willingness to believe (46–48)
D. Why believe in a Power greater than yourself? (48)
1. Practically speaking, we believe in theories if they are grounded in fact—if they explain facts
a. Our theory is that a spiritual experience solves our problem; and
b. The fact is that we have solved our problem: the consciousness of the Presence of
God is today the most important fact of [our] lives (48–51)
2. Practically speaking, a willingness to change our belief system leads to being able to do things
that are thought to be impossible (Galileo, the Wright brothers, our experience) (51–52)
3. Clearly self-sufficiency and logic don’t work as a theory (52–53)

E. The choice is clear: God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be? We are squarely
confronted with the question of faith. (53)
1. Faith is necessary to reach our solution (53)
2. We already have some faith—in our reasoning, our ability to think (53–54)
3. We are already worshippers, worshipping people, money, ourselves, the sunset, the sea, a
flower; loving others (54)
4. Everything really important to us has nothing to do with reason—it is all faith (54–55)

F. Deep down inside us is God; it may be obscured but the idea of God is there. He was as much a
fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is
only there that He may be found. (55)
G. Fitz’s story: “Our Southern Friend”—Who are you to say there is no God? (55–57)

VI. Chapter 5: How It Works

A. Our path works if we are honest; the way is hard and requires complete dedication; but you can
draw on God’s power to help you; and half measures will avail you nothing (58–59)
B. The Twelve Steps (59–60)
C. If we are convinced that we are alcoholic, that human power cannot relieve us, and that God can,
then we’re ready to take Step 3 (60)

D. Step 3
1. Turn our will over to God: any life run on self-will can hardly be a success ; we’re like actors
in a play who want to be the directors; we are selfish in that we want our way, whether it’s for
the worst or the best of reasons (60–62)
2. Turn our life over to God: decide that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be
our Director. (62–63)
3. The promises as we take the steps—to have a new Employer (63)

81
 4. The Step 3 prayer—to be taken with an understanding person (63)

E. Step 4—the beginning of our inventory—the fact-finding (searching) and fact-facing (fearless) exam-
ination of what is blocking us from the sunlight of the spirit; being convinced that our selfishness
(self-centredness, self-pity, self-delusion, fear) is at the heart of our problem, we considered its
common manifestations (63–64)
1. Resentment—the Past did not go my way (64–67)—see form for details
2. Fear—the Future won’t go my way (67–68)—see form for details
3. Sex Conduct—those relationships in which physical attraction was mixed in are the examples
in our past by which we try to shape a sane and sound ideal for all relationships (68–70)—
see form for details
4. If we have written all this down, we have made an inventory of [our] grosser handicaps (71)

VII. Chapter 6: Into Action

A. Step 5
1. Why we need to do Step 5
a. We need objectivity to make certain that we know what has been blocking us from God
(72)
b. We have to be honest with another person (72–74)
2. That person must be able to keep a confidence, understand and approve of what we’re doing,
and won’t change our plan (74–76)
3. Action of Step 5
a. We must explain to that person why this is so important to us (75)
b. We tell that person every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past (75)
c. If we’ve been thorough, there are promises (75)
d. We then go home and meditate, asking God whether we have omitted anything (75)

B. Step 6
1. Are we ready to have God remove those things which are blocking us from God? (76)

C. Step 7
1. The Step 7 prayer
D. Steps 8 and 9
1. We have a list and we must remove those things which have blocked us by sweeping away the
debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show our-
selves. We have to do this (76–77)

2. Direct Amends
a. Making the amends when there is no harm done
(1) Eyeball to eyeball (77–78)
(2) Restitution (example of money) (78)
(3) Taking consequences for our past actions (example of criminal offence) (78–79)
b. Making the amends when harm may be done
(1) Restitution (example of unpaid alimony and harm to new family) (79)
(2) Taking consequences for our past actions (example of denial of loan and harm to
partner and family) (80)
(3) Eyeball to eyeball (example of infidelity and harm to the person to whom we make
amends) (80–82)

3. Living Amends—the period of reconstruction, where saying sorry isn’t enough (82–83)
4. Amends we cannot make; it’s okay so long as we’re ready to make them (83)
5. The promises halfway through Step 9 (83–84)

82
 E. Step 10
1. The continuation of the inventory process—Steps 4 through 9—whenever needed (84)
2. The promises at the end of Step 9 and the beginning of Step 10—Sanity is reached at last! We
are neutral to alcohol—we no longer have the mental obsession (84–85)

F. Step 11
1. Retiring at night—reviewing our day and doing an inventory process (Steps 4 through 9) in our
meditation (86)
2. Awakening in the morning—previewing our day and asking God to free us from self-will (86–
87)
3. As we go through the day—reminding ourselves we’re no longer in charge (87–88)

VIII. Chapter 7: Working with Others

A. Step 12: carrying the message
B. Find a prospect, find out all you can, and see if he wants to see you (89–91)
C. First meeting
1. Talk generally, lead into drinking stories, qualify (91)
2. Describe self as an alcoholic, describe the physical craving and the mental obsession, and the
hopelessness (91–92)
3. Offer your solution, and explain the spiritual aspect of it (92–94)
4. Outline the programme of action (94)
5. Give him a copy of the Big Book and encourage him to read it, but don’t spend much more
time with him, and don’t push him (94–96)

D. Second meeting
1. If he wants to go through the Twelve Steps, sponsor him, offer to be with him in Step 3 and to
hear his Step 5 (96)

E. Sponsorship
1. Help him, but not at your expense and not in a way that makes him dependent upon you (96–
98)
2. Help his family, if you can (98–100)
F. Our freedom—what we can do—how we can be near alcohol with no problem, so long as we are
spiritually fit (100–102)
G. Our job description: to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others
(102–103)

83
 Appendix Two––Promises Checklist
A Big Book Checklist of Promises
(What step are you on?)

► Have my fears fallen from me?

Steps One and Two: ► Have I begun to feel the nearness of my
Creator?
► Is it clear to me that I am a compulsive
overeater and cannot manage my own ► Am I beginning to have a spiritual expe-
life? rience?
► Is it clear that no human power can ► Has the eating problem disappeared
relieve my compulsive overeating? (not always)?
► Is it clear that God can and will relieve ► Do I feel as if I am on the Broad High-
my compulsive overeating if I seek God? way, walking hand in hand with the Spirit
of the Universe?
► Is my work solid so far?
After Step Three:
► Are the stones properly in place? Have
► Was an effect, even a very great one,
I skimped on the cement put into the
felt at once?
foundation? Have I tried to make mortar
without sand?
After Step Four:
► Have I written down a lot? Before half-way through Step Nine (the Promises):
► Have I listed and analyzed my resent- ► Do I know a new freedom and a new
ments? happiness?
► Have I begun to comprehend the futility ► Do I not regret the past nor wish to shut
and fatality of my resentments? the door on it?
► H ave I begun to l ear n t oler ance, ► Do I comprehend the word serenity and
patience, and good will toward all men, do I know peace?
even my enemies?
► Do I see how my experience can benefit
► D o I l oo k on my enem ies as sick others, no matter how far down the
people? scale I have gone?
► Have I listed the people I hurt by my ► Has that feeling of uselessness and self-
conduct and am I willing to straighten pity disappeared?
out the past if I can?
► Have I lost interest in selfish things and
► Am I convinced that God can remove gained interested in my fellows?
whatever self-will has blocked me off
► Has self-seeking slipped away?
from Him?
► Has my whole attitude and outlook upon
► Have I swallowed and digested some
life changed?
big chunks of truth about myself?
► Has fear of people and of economic
insecurity left me?
After Step Five:
► Do I intuitively know how to handle
► Am I delighted? situations which used to baffle me?
► Can I look the world in the eye? ► Have I suddenly realized that God is
doing for me what I could not do for
► Can I be alone at perfect peace and
myself?
ease?
 Page 2

After Step Twelve

After Step Nine: ► Has life taken on a new meaning?
► Have I ceased fighting anything or any ► Do I not want to miss the opportunity to
one—even food? watch people recover, to see them help
others, to watch loneliness vanish, to
► Has sanity returned?
see a fellowship grow up about you, to
► Am I seldom interested in food? have a host of friends?
► If tempted by food, do I recoil from it as ► Have remarkable things happened?
from a hot flame.
► Am I presently living in a new and
► Am I reacting sanely and normally, and wonderful world, no matter what my
has this happened automatically? present circumstances?
► Do I feel as though I had been placed in ► Can I do all sorts of things compulsive
a position of neutrality, safe and pro- eaters are not supposed to do?
tected?
► Can I go where my killer-food is served;
► Has the problem been removed? Has it can I have my killer-food in my home; do
ceased to exist for me? I see friends who eat my killer-food; do I
watch movies or television which show
► Am I neither cocky nor afraid?
scenes of eating my killer-food; do I go
to restaurants which serve my killer-
food; do my friends no longer have to
After Step Ten:
hide their stores of killer-food when I
► Have I begun to sense the flow of His visit them; can I be reminded of my
Spirit into me? killer-food?
► Have I to some extent become God con- ► H av e I f o un d r e l eas e f r o m car e,
scious? Have I begun to develop this boredom and worry?
vital sixth sense?
► Has my imagination been fired?
► Does life mean something at last?
After Step Eleven:
► Do I know what it means to give of
► Am I surprised how the right answers myself that others may survive and
have come when I have tried to relax, rediscover life?
take it easy, and wait for God’s inspira-
► Have I learned the full meaning of “Love
tion, intuitive thought, or decision.
thy neighbor as thyself”?
► Has what used to be the hunch or the
► Has God shown me how to create the
occasional inspiration gradually become
fellowship I crave?
a working part of the mind?
► Have great events come to pass for me
► As time passes, is my thinking more and
and countless others?
more on the plane of inspiration?
► Am I in much less danger of excitement,
fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish
decisions?
► Have I become much more efficient?
► Do I not tire so easily?

85
 Appendix Three––The Arch of Freedom

From Alcoholics Anonymous , the Big Book:

Foundation (page 12, Bill’s Story): Step One -- Willingness through despair
It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more way required of me to make my
beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my
friend. Would I have it? Of course I would!

(page 25, There is a Solution)

There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the levelling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the
process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the
hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem
had been solved, there was nothing for us to do but pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. We have found much
of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.

Cornerstone (page 47, We Agnostics): Step Two -- Belief through hope

We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power
greater than myself?” As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he
is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual
structure can be built. (Related to page 53 and the story on page 56, crossing from the Bridge of Reason to the shore of faith.)

Keystone (page 62, How it Works): Step Three -- Direction through decision
This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama
of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are his agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most
good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

Path (page 75, Into Action): Steps Four through Nine -- Freedom through action
Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask ourselves if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which
we shall walk a free man at last. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement put
into the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand?

86
What follows are some examples of how some-
one might fill out the Step Four forms. There
will usually be many more resentments and
fears. These are only intended as examples of
different kinds of resentments in order to show
how the forms might be filled in.

87
Clear Form Clear Form

Selfish: Selfish:

Dishonest: Dishonest:

88
Clear Form Clear Form

Selfish: Selfish:

Dishonest: Dishonest:
Clear Form Clear Form

Selfish: Selfish:

Dishonest: Dishonest:

Clear Form Clear Form

Selfish: Selfish:

Dishonest: Dishonest:
 Clear Form Clear Form

Infinite My
God Finite Yes No
Self

My spouse I'll lose her Infinite My My spouse

I'll never find anyone else God Finite Yes No
I'll be alone all my life Self
I'll have to raise the children myself
person who hurt I'll never be over this hurt Infinite My person who hurt
me as a child I won't be able to trust anyone God Finite Yes No me as a child
My hating will cause me to eat Self
I can't really enjoy sex or love
my kids I'll yell at them Infinite My my kids my kids my kids
I'll hurt them God Finite Yes No
they'll die before me
Self
they'll hate me
people will suffer in I'll never be able to be happy people will suffer in this world people will suffer in this world people will suffer in this world
Infinite My
this world I won't be able to help anyone
God Finite Yes No
It will get worse
Self

I'll never be thin I'll die early and painfully I'll never be thin I'll never be thin I'll never be thin
Infinite My
I'll never be attractive
God Finite Yes No
I won't be able to do the things I
Self
want to do in my life
I'm going to die It will be painful and slow I'm going to die I'm going to die I'm going to die
Infinite My
I won't know what happens after God Finite Yes No
Self

Infinite My
God Finite Yes No
Self

Clear Form Clear Form

Infinite Infinite
God Yes No God Yes No

My spouse I'll lose her Infinite A loving, compassionate, understanding, honest, giving person My spouse I'll lose her Infinite
I'll never find anyone else God who thinks of my spouse more than me and who invests in our I'll never find anyone else God
Yes No Yes No
I'll be alone all my life relationship together I'll be alone all my life
I'll have to raise the children myself I'll have to raise the children myself
person who hurt I'll never be over this hurt Infinite A person who is free from hate, regret, fear, who can trust and person who hurt I'll never be over this hurt Infinite
me as a child I won't be able to trust anyone God Yes No
enjoy life, who does not live in the past, who does not deny love me as a child I won't be able to trust anyone God Yes No
My hating will cause me to eat to others My hating will cause me to eat
I can't really enjoy sex or love I can't really enjoy sex or love
my kids I'll yell at them A loving, compassionate, understanding, honest, giving parent my kids I'll yell at them my kids
Infinite Infinite
I'll hurt them God Yes No
who thinks of my children more than me and who invests in our I'll hurt them God Yes No
they'll die before me relationship with each other they'll die before me
they'll hate me they'll hate me
people will suffer in I'll never be able to be happy A person who tries to help others and who is not paralyzed by people will suffer in I'll never be able to be happy people will suffer in this world
Infinite Infinite
this world I won't be able to help anyone what cannot be done and who is able to enjoy life on life's terms this world I won't be able to help anyone
God Yes No God Yes No
It will get worse and accept happiness when happiness comes my way It will get worse

I'll never be thin I'll die early and painfully A person who seeks a spiritual awakening to relieve me of my I'll never be thin I'll die early and painfully I'll never be thin
Infinite Infinite
I'll never be attractive mental obsession so that I can remain abstinent and reach and I'll never be attractive
God Yes No God Yes No
I won't be able to do the things I maintain a healthy body weight I won't be able to do the things I
want to do in my life want to do in my life
I'm going to die It will be painful and slow A person who keeps as healthy as I can and accepts that life is I'm going to die It will be painful and slow I'm going to die
Infinite Infinite
I won't know what happens after relatively short and gives of myself so that others may enjoy I won't know what happens after
God Yes No God Yes No
themselves.

Infinite My Infinite My
God Finite Yes No God Finite Yes No
Self Self
 Clear Form Data Clear Form Data

my spouse Jealousy?

Suspicion?

Bitterness? No

my ex Jealousy?

Suspicion?

Bitterness? No

my high school Jealousy?

sweetheart

Suspicion?

Bitterness? No

Clear Form Data Clear Form Data

my spouse Jealousy? should invest myself into relationship my spouse Jealousy?

should think of spouse's needs and not mine
should be honest and loving and caring
should do more around the house
Suspicion? should love myself so I can be loved Suspicion?

Bitterness? No No

my ex Jealousy? should have invested more into the my ex

relationship

Suspicion?

Bitterness? No No

my high school Jealousy? should not have entered into the relationship; my high school Jealousy?
sweetheart or, once having entered into it and realized the sweetheart
imbalance of emotions, should have ended it
honestly and with grace.
Suspicion?

Bitterness?
No
Clear Data Clear Data

Yes No

Yes No

Yes No

Yes No

Yes No

Yes No

Clear Data Clear Data

Yes Yes No

Yes Yes No

No Yes No

Yes Yes No

Yes Yes No

Yes Yes No