1

If you're watching this,

then I'm not around anymore.
2
I couldn't say any of this to your face.
It's too embarrassing.
3
For you, not for me, obviously.
4
You're never very good
at hearing how lovely you are.
5
But you are.
6
You are. You're lovely.
7
But you're absolutely fucking useless.
8
So I thought I'd leave you
a little guide to life without me.
9
You've gotta turn the alarm off
in the morning, yeah?
10
If you open the door, it'll set it off,
11
then the alarm company
think we're getting broken into.
12
If you do set it off,
you've gotta ring 'em.
13
The number's in your phone under "alarm."
The alarm code is 8645.
14
That's your PIN code.
15
You know this.
16
And... put it on "perimeter,"
otherwise the dog will set it off.
17
And feed the dog, yeah?
18
First thing in the morning
and when you get in from work.
19
And what else?
20
Gotta put the bins out Tuesday evenings.
21
Black bin is household waste,
22
green bin is recy-
23
When I wake up in the morning, love
24
And the sunlight hurts my eyes
25
And something
without warning, love
26
Bears heavy on my mind
27
Then I look at you
28
And the world's all right with me
29
Just one look at you
30
And I know it's gonna be
31
A lovely day
32
Lovely day, lovely day
Lovely day, lovely day
33
Lovely day, lovely day...
34
Lovely day, lovely day
35
Lovely day, lovely day,
Lovely day, lovely day
36
Lovely day, lovely day,
Lovely day, lovely day...
37
Where's your bowl?
38
There it is.
 39
Oh, fuck!
40
No dog food.
41
Baked beans or vegetable curry?
42
Thought so.
43
Oh, sorry.
44
I'll get you some real food later.
45
Fuckin' hell.
46
Vegetable curry for me then.
47
Oh!
48
.Hello.
- Hello.
49
I'm starting here today.
50
I'm starting work here today.
51
Okay. Do you have a name?
52
Yes. Sandy.
53
No, I mean,
who are you meant to meet here?
54
Who hired you?
55
Oh. Mr. Braden.
56
Come here. Good girl.
57
Your dog should be on a lead.
58
- What?
- Dogs should be on a lead.
59
Can't you read? The park's for everyone.
 60
Oh, right. Oh, sorry.
61
Thank you. Come here, girl.
62
Come here.
63
What?! He is not a fat, hairy,
nosy cocksucker.
64
Bad girl, Brandy.
65
Sorry about that.
66
- Disgusting.
- See you later.
67
Good girl.
68
Right.
69
I've gotta go to work.
70
See you later.
71
I'll bring you some food.
72
Good girl. Good girl.
73
Good girl.
74
Here you go.
75
What?
76
It's your post.
77
Put it through the door.
78
Well, you're here, so it saves me a trip.
79
- I don't wanna walk with it, do I?
- Why not?
80
You're new, aren't you?
 81
Yeah, I was transferred...
82
No, I don't care.
83
Presumably in your old round, you put
things through the door, didn't you?
84
Mate, there's no need to get all lairy.
85
- Why are you talking to me like this?
- Will you report me?
86
Yeah. What's your name?
87
You'll laugh.
88
Trust me.
89
It's Pat.
90
Postman Pat?
91
Yeah.
92
Put it through the door.
93
That was easy, wasn't it?
94
- You could've done that.
- No, I couldn't.
95
- Why not?
- I'm not a postman.
96
Go on.
97
Hi, George.
98
Hi.
99
Who's that?
100
He's my uncle.
101
Pedo!
102
What?
103
Pedo!
104
I'm not a pedo.
105
And if I was, you'd be safe,
you tubby, little ginger cunt.
106
Welcome.
107
Great to have you.
108
I remember my first day,
and it is exciting, isn't it?
109
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Great place to work, this.
110
Very dynamic, lots of people
in and out all the time.
111
Really excellent bunch of people.
112
Hard working.
113
It's very rewarding as well.
You get to go out into the community.
114
And that can be anything
from local stories, you know,
115
erm... entertainment, finance.
116
So, yeah.
117
Kath does the advertising.
118
Be nice to her, and she might take you
to the opening of a new restaurant,
119
give you a free meal.
120
Lenny does all the photography,
121
so if you're interested in that...
122
Everyone chips in on everything, really.
123
So what kind of thing are you
interested in, would you say?
124
Writing features.
125
Perfect. That's great.
126
You'll definitely do that here.
127
Lots of features. Sky's the limit.
128
Erm...
129
Tony's the head of features.
130
He's not here.
131
He's a very good writer.
132
Very smart, very experienced,
good guy. Erm...
133
He's not himself at the minute,
to be honest.
134
He's had a bit of bad news. Erm...
135
His... err... Tony's my brother-in-law.
136
Erm. He was married to my sister, Lisa,
137
who died.
138
Cancer.
139
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
140
And he was obviously devastated.
 141
Err... suicidal.
142
Right.
143
I should warn you, he might...
144
say a few things that are a bit...
145
err...
146
brutal...
147
at times, so, you know,
don't take it personally.
148
I mean, you will be
working closely with him.
149
Anyway, err...
150
have fun.
151
Thanks.
152
So, how are you?
153
Same.
154
Bad then?
155
I've honestly nothing
to compare it to anymore.
156
But I guess a good day
157
is when I don't go around
158
wanting to shoot random strangers
in the face
159
and then turn the gun on myself.
160
One of my clients
161
fantasizes about killing his ex-wife...
162
...when he's masturbating.
163
Why are you telling me that?
164
I didn't say his name.
165
No, I know, but...
166
how does that help me?
167
I dunno.
168
I guess to let you know
you're not the only one.
169
Only what?
170
Well, the only mental case out there.
171
I mean, y'know...
172
the only guy with mental problems.
173
- I've got problems.
- Go on.
174
God, man, where do I start?
175
Maybe start with me, as I'm paying, but...
176
- Morning.
- Morning.
177
Terrible, isn't it? Scarred for life.
178
Hardly scarred for life.
179
She's 93.
180
If she lives to 100, she's only been
scarred for seven percent of her life.
181
You're late.
 182
You're boring.
183
You're joking, aren't you?
184
I wasn't, but go on. What have you got?
185
It's distribution day.
186
No, I mean, why would you think
I was joking about you being boring?
187
Have you got a... counterargument or...
188
- Why do you let him get away with this?
- I don't.
189
Tony, come on. What's going on?
190
We're putting out a free local newspaper
that no one cares about.
191
No, that's not true.
192
And that's not wh...
Can you come in my office?
193
Sure.
194
A lot of people rely on our paper.
Not everyone's on Twitter, are they?
195
Back to work, everyone.
196
What do you want me to say?
197
That I'm sorry, and I'll buck my ideas up?
'Cause I won't. 'Cause there's no point.
198
Look, Tony, I know that you've had issues,
199
- okay, since you lost Lisa.
- Do you reckon...
200
my wife dying affected me a bit?
 201
Of course, and you know I get that.
I even told Sandy about it.
202
- Who's Sandy?
- The new girl.
203
I didn't want her thinking
this is a madhouse.
204
I had to say something.
205
Look, I just need a bit of professionalism
around here, okay, Tony.
206
- Please?
- No.
207
I shouldn't have to explain this to you.
208
You can't just go around
being rude to people.
209
You can, though.
210
That's the beauty of it.
211
There's no advantage
to being nice and thoughtful
212
and caring and having integrity.
213
It's a disadvantage, if anything.
214
Well, if you carry on like this,
I might have to let you go.
215
No, you won't.
216
You won't, that's what I'm saying,
'cause you're a nice bloke.
217
So I'll take advantage of you,
218
like everyone else does here.
 219
- You'll warn me. I'll ignore it.
- What?
220
You'll give me another warning.
I'll ignore it.
221
I'll carry on doing what the fuck I want.
222
Eventually you'll give up, and I'll win.
223
The girls here have discovered
224
that you won't even question
"women's problems."
225
Kath's had three periods this month.
226
She likes Fridays off. You do nothing.
227
She gets away with it
'cause she's an arsehole.
228
So, I thought, right,
let's have a bit of that.
229
Why would you wanna do that?
230
Why wouldn't you just rather
get better and be happy?
231
There's only one thing
that'd make me better and happy,
232
and that's Lisa being around,
and that can't happen.
233
So that's why I nearly killed myself
straight away.
234
Right, okay, but you didn't
kill yourself, did you?
235
So, clearly, you know,
something made you stop.
 236
The look on the dog's face.
237
She was hungry,
so I thought I'd better feed her.
238
It gave me time to think,
239
"I should be dead now."
240
I didn't care.
241
So, everything's a bonus.
242
If I become an arsehole,
243
and I do and say what the fuck I want
244
for as long as I want,
245
and then when it all gets too much,
246
I can always kill myself.
247
It's like a superpower.
248
That's the worst superhero
I've ever heard of.
249
That's the way it is now.
250
So what? So...
251
My job now is to make you happy
before you kill yourself?
252
That's like a constant ticking clock
for me now, is it?
253
If you like.
254
Well, I don't like.
255
Anyway, that's the way it is.
256
Okay, well,
I'm glad we had this chat.
257
Yeah, very constructive.
258
All right, erm...
259
So this is... This is Sandy.
260
She's just started today.
It's her first day, erm, so, Tony,
261
she's gonna be working under you.
If you could...
262
show her the ropes, tell her what's what.
263
Here's what's what...
264
humanity is a plague.
265
We're a disgusting, narcissistic,
selfish parasite,
266
and the world would be
a better place without us.
267
It should be everyone's moral duty
to kill themselves.
268
I could do it now.
Quite happily just go upstairs,
269
jump off the roof,
270
and make sure I landed
on some cunt from accounts.
271
That the sort of thing...
272
you meant?
273
No.
274
Just, erm... ignore that.
 275
Lenny, can you show Sandy the ropes?
276
Sure thing.
277
Gotta get the papers out.
Thank you.
278
- You showing her the ropes, yeah?
- Big time.
279
Can I guess the bullet points?
280
Get in.
281
Eat in front of the computer.
282
Go to the pub.
283
Eat in front of the quiz machine.
284
Go home.
285
Eat in front of the telly.
286
Go to bed. I assume you eat in bed?
287
I have emergency snacks nearby, yeah.
288
I've gotta go.
289
Want me to bring you
more doughnuts, fat boy?
290
Yes, please.
291
Do you mind him talking to you like that?
292
Nah, he's a mate.
293
It distracts him.
294
You don't take any shit off him,
all right?
295
I don't, 'cause I'm not weak like him.
296
- Julian?
- Yeah.
297
We've had a few calls
from people
298
saying that their building didn't get
any papers delivered.
299
Ah.
300
Okay, look, that's weird
'cause I definitely
301
delivered them all.
302
You know you've got to ring a buzzer
to get into the actual building?
303
You can't just leave them outside.
304
A lot of the old people can't get
up and down the stairs or go out.
305
Yeah, I know that, boss.
306
I will be extra careful with these.
307
Okay.
308
Can I get paid now?
309
You will do a good job, won't you?
310
You can trust me, yeah.
311
- Thirty-five pounds, right?
- Yeah.
312
All right. Cheers.
313
Okay.
314
Hot date?
315
Sorry, what?
316
Just saw you washing
317
in a puddle from a drain,
318
and I wondered
if it was a special occasion.
319
Not really, no.
320
Gonna buy drugs with that
and dump the papers in the skip?
321
Well,
322
I should probably dump them first,
then buy the drugs.
323
I'll forget otherwise, won't I?
324
Where's Lisa?
325
She's dead, Dad.
326
Remember?
327
She died earlier this year.
328
She was here this morning.
329
No, she wasn't.
330
Hi.
331
Hi.
332
Right.
333
Let's get you sorted, Ray, hey?
334
If it was a dog, you'd put it down.
335
It?
336
I was sort of being nice, that...
337
I feel sorry for him.
338
Well, don't you ever feel sorry for them?
339
I worry when they cry.
340
We say there's nothing going on inside
to make ourselves feel better,
341
but there's definitely something going on.
342
Hey?
343
You married?
344
No time for that.
345
I'll give you a good seeing to.
346
I'm sorry.
347
It's all right.
348
Never heard any complaints.
349
Kept the wife happy.
350
I've gotta go.
351
See you later.
352
See you, Dad.
353
Bring Lisa with you.
354
Fuck me!
355
Yeah, all right.
356
Jesus Christ!
357
Good girl.
358
Ah, fuckin' hell.
359
No bowls.
360
Fuck's sake.
361
No fuckin' milk!
362
Don't wallow, hey?
363
Stay active.
364
And keep our house tidy.
365
Our lovely house.
366
And don't get drunk all the time,
all right?
367
Cause it'll only make you feel worse
in the long run.
368
I'm not a doctor,
369
but I have spoken to loads of 'em
over the last few months,
370
and they all reckon it's not ideal
to be a fat, lazy, self-pitying lump.
371
If you put the dishes
straight in the dishwasher,
372
it don't build up.
373
And change the salt every now and then.
374
The salt's in the garage.
375
The garage is that massive thing
on the side of the 'ouse.
376
Oh, fuck's sake.
 377
You all right, yeah?
378
I was worried about you.
379
- Why?
- What do you mean, "why"?
380
Because you always talk about
killing yourself.
381
Also, you should be at work,
but you know I'll let that slide.
382
Come to the pub.
Me and Len are going for lunch.
383
No, I've had lunch.
384
Come on.
385
- We used to go to the pub all the time.
- No!
386
Someone will make me angry,
and that's the day ruined.
387
Yeah, I'll take that chance, Bruce Banner.
388
It'll do you good.
389
Come on, please.
All journalists go to the pub for lunch.
390
We're not journalists.
391
We are journalists.
We work for a newspaper.
392
Yeah, and that newspaper
is used to line cat litter trays
393
by old ladies, once a week.
394
And they read it before they do that.
 395
- We're not journalists.
- We are.
396
- We're journalists.
- No, we're not.
397
- Yes, we are.
- Not.
398
- Stop saying that. We are.
- Not.
399
Fuckin' hell!
400
Can you hear that?
401
Fuckin' fat cunt
eating like a fuckin' slug.
402
- Doing my fuckin' head in.
- All right.
403
Why don't you throw yourself
into your work?
404
I can't concentrate with that...
405
They're crisps. They're crunchy.
406
But why does he have to do all that
"mm mmm"?
407
Well, this is fun.
408
Told you.
409
You told me? Great.
410
Always someone who spoils it, ain't there?
411
And do you think that might be you
on this occasion?
412
No.
 413
Look, just ignore him, okay.
414
As I was saying, why don't you
throw yourself into your work?
415
It's what depressed people do.
416
Sometimes.
417
It's hard for me to throw myself
into my work, when my work
418
is often talking to a plumber
on the estate
419
who's grown a potato
that looks like Lionel Richie.
420
That made the front cover.
421
It did look like him, though.
422
Actually, this is a good time.
423
We've got some exciting leads
at the moment.
424
- Leads?
- Yeah.
425
Like we're Woodward and Bernstein?
426
- They are leads.
- Go on. What leads?
427
- What "leads" do we have?
- All right.
428
A woman called us,
when she drags her dustbin
429
it sounds like Chewbacca.
430
- No.
- No? All right.
431
Woman on Blagden Road woke up Chinese.
432
And she wasn't before.
433
No, I get the angle.
434
Man who got sent
the same birthday card five times.
435
- Really?
- Really?
436
- Yeah.
- Right, let's get to the bottom of that
437
ASAP.
438
Well, yes. Why don't you?
439
'Cause that is your job.
440
- I know.
- Yeah.
441
Ring the doorbell.
442
You disgusting...
443
I didn't wanna do it
in his house.
444
Go to the doctor.
You've got bowel cancer.
445
- Hello.
- Don't come out. This fat cunt's
446
- shat himself.
- Are you from the paper?
447
Yeah. Leave him there for a while.
448
You fuckin' pig.
 449
When I got the first one,
I thought,
450
"That's a nice card."
451
And then I got the second, and I thought,
"Oh, that's funny. Two the same!"
452
But then when I got the third,
453
I thought,
"Well, what are the chances of that?"
454
Astronomical.
455
And then the fourth...
456
Wow!
457
Wow.
458
But then, five... I mean,
459
I bet that's never 'appened before.
460
Not on record anyway.
461
- Are you taking notes?
- Yeah, all in there.
462
Is this going to be
in next week's newspaper?
463
Yeah, we'll rush this through.
464
Quite a scoop.
465
My Denise would be tickled by this.
466
It's my wife.
467
She passed away last year.
468
Light of my life.
 469
Anything that happens,
470
I go to tell her.
471
Then I remember.
472
Nothing's as good if you don't share it.
473
Still have my downs,
474
but then life throws you these
interesting little things, doesn't it?
475
You can't feel sorry for yourself.
476
Got to keep going.
477
Happy birthday.
478
Oh. Thanks.
479
Fuck's sake.
480
Excuse me. Where's the dog food?
481
It's by the cat food.
482
Right, well...
483
I've got another question then.
484
Where's the cat food?
485
Tinned products, aisle two.
486
Cheers. Don't get up.
487
Okay.
488
- That everything?
- Yeah.
489
Oh.
490
All right, mate. You got any money?
491
- Yeah.
- What?
492
Yes, I've got money.
493
Give it to me then.
494
Why?
495
'Cause I'll fuckin' kill you if you don't.
496
Does that usually work, does it?
497
To most people,
498
the threat of death
is worse than giving you money,
499
but...
500
Or they're worried
you'll hurt their family or...
501
I haven't got any family.
502
I'm not gonna go into it,
but I don't care about anything anymore.
503
I'm not giving you any money.
504
Are you mental?
505
No, I'm just tired of doing things
I don't wanna do,
506
and we always have a choice.
507
And if I've read this right,
508
my choice
509
is either violence
510
or hand over my money peacefully
511
to two useless little cunts.
512
- Are you mad?
- No.
513
Fuck off! Okay?
514
Just fuck off.
515
There you go.
516
It's no one's fault
what's happened.
517
Don't go blaming the world.
518
You know how grumpy you get
when things don't go your way.
519
But you've got such a good heart.
520
You're born like it.
You can't contrive it. You're just decent.
521
I knew it, first time I met you.
522
Hit me like a bolt of lightning.
523
And I've loved you ever since.
524
You fat twat!
525
Oh, it's Sunday, you cuuunt!
526
You're not a real vicar,
I can tell.
527
Oh, Tony!
528
Ah!
529
Oh my God!
530
- What?
- Why'd you do this to me?
531
It's good for you.
It gets your heart going.
532
- It gets your metabolism up.
- No! You...
533
Satellite's gone up to the skies
534
Things like that
drive me out of my mind
535
I watched it for a little while
536
I like to watch things on TV
537
Satellite of love
538
Bong bong bong
539
Satellite of love
540
Bong bong bong
541
Satellite of love
542
Sat-el-ite of...