Chasing Amy.

by

Kevin Smith

\I,?"..
 INT COMIC BOOK STORE- DAY
r A pile of COMIC BOOKS are on a shelf next to myriad others. The most prominent
one is called 'BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC'. A hand reaches in and pulls one out of
frame.
HOlDEN opens the comic and flips through it. He shakes his head. BANKY looks
over his shoulder.

BANKY
Felt like this fucking day would never come. Issue
two - on the shelf.

HOlD8'1
Yippee.

BANKY
Don't start, alright? This is a cool moment, and I'd
appreciate you not trying to ruin it. How often does
a guy get the opponunity to purchase something
with his name on it7
(points to name on cover)
Banky F.dwards - right?
(points to the other)
Holden McNeil

HOI.DrN
I know my name.

BANKY
C'mon, sour puss. We got the rest of our lives to be
artists. But it's supply and demand. And right now,
the unwashed masses demand this.

HOIDEN
(off comic)
l just don't want you to forget that this is easy, and
right now it pays the bills. But we're better than this.
BANKY
ru tell you who we're better than: these two fags ,·
right here.
They approach the counter, where STEVE-DAVE, the store manager, and WALT,
the fan-boy, play a card game.

BANKY
(lays books on the counter)
Alright, Old-Maid's - take a break from the Crazy-S's
marathon and ring us up.
STEVE-DAVE
(not looking up)
Well, well, welt, Walt. Did you see who it is? The
local celebrities. Quick - get them to autograph one
of their books so we can sell it for triple it's value.
 WALT
Come on, Steve-Dave - do you really need fifteen
cents that badly?

They snicker and high-five one another. Holden rolls his eyes.

BANKY
You guys operate the smallest, ladies' bridge circle
I've ever seen.

WALT ·
For your information, we're playing 'Crimson Mystical
Mages' - an overpower card game. Not that either
of you would give a shit about something as advanced
as this - there are no dick or poopie jokes involved.

BANKY
(to Holden)
I don't think they're fans.
WALT
No, we're not. You're both a couple of fucking no-
talents that got lucky.

STEVE-DAVE
And obviously your handlers or hangers-on convinced
you that your first comic was good, which it was not -
it was thoroughly mediocre with a few spiky bits of
dialogue. And when you get your foot in the door of
the business, what do you do? You tum out a piece of
shit like 'Bluntman and Chronic'.

WALT
Tell him, Steve-Dave.

STEVE-DAVE
(off comic)
. 'Bluntman and Chronic'. Pah. What was that thing
~e little stoner pulled on the villain in the last issue?

WALT
The Stinky-palm.

STEVE-DAVE
Stinky-palm. You give comics a bad name. I tell all
my customers not to buy it, to spend their money on
a real comic book.

WALT
Fucking dime-store Frank MiJlers.

STEVE-DAVE
This is the reality at Comic-Toast -you're not going
to get your ass kissed here, because both me and
Walt think you suck.
 3

WALT
And me.
STEVE-DAVE
J said that.

Steve-Dave offers the boys his two middle fingers, then goes back to playing his
game with Walt. Holden and Banky sw-e, shocked. Banky nudges Holden and
they both exit. Steve-Dave and the Fan-boy slap hands and go back to playing.

WALT
I've got a dragon card - forty power-ups and twelve
life points! Ha! I get your elf card!

STEVE-DAVE
You're such a bitch! But thankfully, I've saved a dark
forces Shaman card for just such an occasion.
WALT
You suck! Eighty six life-power points to my twenty two!

STEVE-DAVE
I schooled their asses, now rm schooling your's.
Suddenly, a trash can crashes through the front window. Steve-Dave and Walt
hit the deck like bitches, covering one another. They look up slowly. Steve-Dave
leaps to his feet and looks at the shattered mess. He pulls something off the
garbage can and reads it.

WALT
You know it was those two fucks! Let's call the cops
and have them busted! I know where their studio is!
Or better yet, let's sue! You can sue them, Steve-Dave!

STEVE-DAVE
(still reading note)
That won't be necessary.

WALT
What?! Why the hell not?

STEVE-DAVE
(holds up check)
Because this is a check for three times what that
window cost.
(reading note)
"Dear critics - thanks for the insight. But like my
grandmother always said - 'fuck 'em if they can't
take a joke... and break their window.' Kiss it,
Banky the Hack. P.S. - Your card game blows."

WALT
He said "Kiss it"?

CREDITS
INT COMIC BOOK CONVENTION SIGNING BOOTH - DAY

A physically large FAN - sweaty brow, tote bag bursting with comics - leans
forward, smiling.

FAN
Could you sign it "To a really big fan"?
Holden sits at a table, across from the barely-managing-to-stand Fan. He offers
him a patronizingly kind, half-smile in return.

HOlDfN
You bet.

We're at a Comic Book show, specifically at a book-signing. Behind Holden hangs

a large banner, heralding HOLDEN McNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS -
CREATORS Of 'BLUNTMAN ANO CHRONIC'. Beside it is a large mock-up of
the comic book cover, which features two stoner super-heroes who bare a
striking resemblance to a pair of very familiar friendly neighborhood drug
dealers. Holden hands the book back to the fan.

FAN
I Jove this book. man! This shit's awesome. I wish I was
like these guys - getting stoned, talking all raw about
chicks and fighting supervillains! I love these guys!
They're like 'Cheech and Chong' meet 'Bill and Ted'!

HOlDEN
I like to think of them as 'Rosencrantz and Guilden-
stem ', meet 'Vladimir and Estragon '.

FAN
Yeah!
(beat)
Who?

BANKY signs the book of another COLI.ECTOR.

COLLECTOR
So you draw this?
BANKY
(signing the comic) :
I ink it and I'm also the colorist. The guy next to me
draws it. But we both came up with the characters.

COLLECTOR
What's that mean - you 'ink it'?

BANKY
Well, it means that Holden draws the pictures in pen-
cil, and then he gives it to me to go over in ink.
COLLECTOR
So you just trace?
Banky freezes up. He composes himself and continues signing.

BANKY
It's not tracing. I add depth and shading to give the
image more definition. Only then does the drawing
truly take shape.

COLLECTOR
You go over what he draws with a pen - that's tracing.

BANKY
{hands book back to Collector)
Not really.
(calling out)
Next!

A U1TLE KID steps up, but the Collector lingers.

COLLECTOR
(to Little Kid)
Hey man, if somebody draws something and then you
draw the same thing right on top of it, not going out-
side the designated original an, what do call that?

UTI1.E KID
(shrugs)
I don't know. Tracing?

COil.ECTOR
(to Banky)
See?

BANKY
It's not tracing.

COLLECTOR
Oh, but it is.

BANKY
(to Little Kid)
Do you want your book signed or what?

COLLECTOR ,
Hey- don't get all testy with him just because you·
have a problem with your station in life.

BANKY
I'm secure with what I do.
COLLECTOR
Then say it - you're a tracer.
BANKY
(grabbing Little Kid's book)
How should I sign this?
 LITTLE KID
(grabs book back)
I don't want you to sign it, I want the guy that draws
Bluntman and Chronic to sign it. You're just a tracer.

COLI.ECTOR
Tell him, Uttle Shaver.

Holden accepts the comic from another Fan.

HOlDEN
(off comic)
Who do I sign it to?

Before Holden can finish, a loud crash is heard. He looks to his left and freaks.

Banky is throttling the Collector from across the table. The Collector attempts
to fight him off. Security Guards pull them apart. Holden grabs Banky.

COLLECTOR
Jesus! AJJ I did was call him a tracer!

BANKY
(to Collector)
l'U TRACE A CHALK UNE AROUND YOUR DEAD
FUCKING BODY, YOU FUCK!!
HOIDEN
(to Security Guard)
Could you get him out of here?

The Security Guards drag the collector away.

COLLECTOR
Hey, wait a sec! He jumped me! And you're
dragging me away?!
(exiting)
Fucking tracer\

BANKY
(calling QC)
YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!!

HOIDfN
can I explain the audience principle to you? If you
insult and accost them, then we have no audience.

BANKY
He staned it! Fucking cock-knocker! He's lucky I
didn't put my pen through his thorax!

HOlDEN
Need I remind you. ..
(holds up watch)
Cunain's in ten minutes.
 ,
I

INT COMIC BOOK CONVENTION LECTURE HALL- DAY

,~ HOOPER fills the frame. He comes off like a typical, pro-black/anti-white homeboy.

HOOPER
For years in this industry whenever an African-Amer-
ican character - hero or villain - was introduced -
usually by white artists and writers - they got slapped
with racist names that singled them out as negroes:
Black Panther, Black Lightning, Black Goliath, Black
Manta, Black Talon, Blacl~ Spider, Black Hand, Black
Falcon, Black Cat. ..

VOICE FROM CROWD

She"s white.

HOOPER
She is?
(beat)
Well bust this - regardless.

We're at a panel discussion. The room is full. Five creators sit at a long table,
their names on placards in front of them. (One of them is a very striking Girl.)
The banner behind them reads 'WORDS UP - MINORITY VOICES IN COMICS'.

HOOPER
(holds up comic)
Now my book, 'White-Hating Coon', doesn't have any of
that bullshit The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's a
descendant of the black tribe that established the first
society on the planet, while all you European mother
fuckers were still hiding in caves and shit, all terrified
of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black
reader can look up to. 'Cause J'm here to teJJ you - the
chickens are comin' home to roost, ya'll: the black man's
no longer gonna play the minstrel in the medium of
comics and Sci-rt/Fantasy! We're keeping it real, and
we're gonna get respect - by any means necessary!

. During the speech, Holden and Banky enter and sit up front.

HOIJ»I
(calling out)
Bullshit! Lando Calrissian was a black man, and
he got to fly the Millenium Falcon!

Hooper whips his head around, looking for the source of the comment.

HOOPER
Who said that?!?

HOLDEN
(standing)
I did! Lando Calrissian is a positive black role model
r-
\
in the realm of Science Fiction/Fantasy.
 HOOPER
Fuck wdo Calrissian! Uncle Tom nigger! Always some
white boy gotta invoke 'the holy trilogy'! Bust this - those
those movies are about how the white man keeps the bro-
ther man down - even in a galaxy far, far away. Check
this shit: you got cracker farm-boy Luke Skywalker; Nazi·
poster boy - blond hair, blue eyes. And then you've got
Darth Vader: the blackest brother ln the galaxy. Nubian God.

BANKY
What's a Nubian?

HOOPER
Shut the fuck up! Now Vader, he's a spiritual brother, with
the force and all that shiL Then this cracker Skywalker
gets his hands on a light-saber, and the boy decides he's
gonna run the fucking universe - gets a whole Klan of
whites together, and they're gonna bust up Vader's 'hood -
the Death Star. Now what the fuck do you call that?

BANKY
Intergalactic Civil War?

HOOPER
Gentrification. They're goMa drive out the black element,
to make the galaxy quote, unquote 'safe' for white folks.

HOIDrN
But Vader turns out to be Luke's father. And in Jedi,
they become friends.

HOOPER
Don't make me bust a cap in your ass, yo! Jedi's the
most insulting installment, because Vader's beautiful,
black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to
reveal a feeble, crusty white man! They're trying to
tell us that deep inside, we all want to be white!

BANKY
Well isn't that true?

Hooper explodes. He pulls a nine millimeter from his belt, draws on Banky and
fires. Banky goes down, falling forward onto the stage. The :crowd screams and
starts to scatter. Hooper jumps over the table and raises his fists in the air.

HOOPFR
BLACK RAGE!! BLACK RAGEll l'U. KIU. ANY WHITE
FOLkS I LAY MY MOTHER FUCKIN' EYFS ON!t!

The crowd is gone. Holden sits in his chair, laughing. Hooper steps off the stage
and picks Banky's head up off the floor.

HOOPER
(breaking character)
r 'What's a Nubian?' Bitch, you almost made me laugh!
r Hooper sounds different. Actually, he sounds gay. Actually - he is. Banky smiles.

BANKY
Well what about you? You didn't tell me you were
going to scream 'Black Rage'. 1 nearly pissed myself.

HOIDcN
I can't believe they Jet you get away with that shit.
HOOPER
(off gun)
How? She full of blanks. Believe me - I know how 'WWF'
it is, but I need to seJl the image to sell the book. Would
the audience still believe the 'Black Rage' angle if they
found out the book was written by a .. a ...
BANKY
Faggot.

HOOPER
When you say it, it sounds so sexy .••
(he kisses Banky full on the lips)

BANKY
(wipes his lips)
Hey, hey! rn play your victim, but not your catcher.

VOICE
How ls it that you sound like Minister Fara.khan
when you're on stage.•.
They tum to see. ..

A beautiful, blonde, ruffled-haired angel swinging her purse in a circle. Her

name is Alyssa. She's the striking Girl from the panel who didn't get to say much.

. ALYSSA
:••and the King of Pop when you're not.

HOOPER
Look out, boys - this kitten has a whip.
ALYSSA
(shoves and slaps him)
Always before I get to speak! I swear - the next con
1attend and they ask me to be on the minority panel,
if I see your name anywhere near the list, I'm passing.

HOOPER
(defending himself)
Holden, Banky - this pile of P.M.S. is Alyssa Jones. She
does that book 'Idiosyncratic Routine'. This is the
founh panel we've been on together, and even though
she knows my publisher sets this up and pays for the
event, she still gets mad when it ends with my act.
 lo
ALYSSA
I just wish 1 was the one who gets to shoot you.

HOOPER
That's what my father said when I came - nay - leapt
out of the closeL
(off guys)
These boys do 'Bluntman and Chronic', which outsells
both of our books put together, hence they're never on
a panel with the likes of us. They slumming right now.

BANKY
I've read your book. It's cute. Chick stuff, but cute.
Holden hits him.

BANKY
What?

HOIDEN
(shoots him a look; to Alyssa)
Sony about him. He's dealing with being an inker.

ALYSSA
(to Banky)
Oh. You trace?

Banky seethes.

HOIDEN
(shaking her hand)
I really enjoy your book. I'm surprised we've never
met at any other Con's before.

ALYSSA
Lose the dick or change your skin tone and we can get
to know each other on panel after panel while the Pink
Black Panther here plays Chuck D. for the fanboys.

HOOPER
Hey, jealousy.
(to the Boys)
I told Alyssa I'd buy her a post-rave drink. Do the Gar-
den-Staters have to sprint to the Lincoln Tunnel, or can
you stay for a round in the big, scary city?

BANKY
We're gonna take off soon. .•

HOIDEN
We'll go.

Banky offers Holden a puzzled glance. Then he nods to Hooper.

BANKY
We'll go.
 It
INT BAR- NIGHT

Holden, Banky, Alyssa and Hooper sit around a table drinking, talking, and smoking.

BANKY
Archie, alright? Archie and the Riverdale gang were
a pure and fun-lovin' bunch. You can't find dysfunc-
tion in those comics, because they were just flat out
wholesome.

HOOPER
Archie and Jughead were lovers.
(sips his drink)

BANKY
Shut the fuck up.

HOOPER
It's true. Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the
butch - that's why Jughead wears that crown-looking
hat all the time: he the king, of queen Archie's world.

BANKY
Man, I feel a hate-crime coming on.

HOIDEN
He's got a point. Archie never did sett1e on Betty
or Veronica.

BANKY
Because he wanted them both at the same time, you
assholes! He never chose one because he was trying
to get both of them into a three-way!

HOOPER
(pulls out a dollar and hands it to Banky)
Here. I want you to go down to the comer store and
buy younelf a clue. Go on.

BANKY
Eat it, Urkel.
HOOPm
I told you to watch it with that Urkel shit. Face it,
girl - Archie's a sister.

BANKY
(getting up; to Hooper)
That's it. You
HOOPER

BANKY
You are marching back across the street with me, and
we're going to pick up a shit load of Archie books. I am·
 /2

going to prove to you - beyond the shadow of a doubt -

that Archie was all about pussy. Come on.

HOOPER
(sliding out of booth)
This boy is conflicted. I shall play mother-therapist
for him. You two sit tight. We shall return promptly.

Banky and Hooper exit, leaving Alyssa and Holden alone at the rable.

ALYSSA
Is he always like that?
HOlDrN
For years now. Staned back in third grade - a nun was
teaching us about the Blessed Trinity. She's going on a•
bout the three persons in one God thing• Father, Son,
Holy Spirit - and he just goes ballistic. I guess it was
too big for him to grasp. They got into this huge fight.

ALYSSA
Please. How bad could it have been?

HOlDrN
You ever seen a nun call a small child a 'fucking
cunt-rag7 Wasn't pretty. Shit like that's bound to
happen when you make a kid wear a matching tie
and slacks everyday.

ALYSSA
And your parochial school misadventures?

HOI.DfN
Umited to wine-ta.sting prior to mass. Turned me
into a grade school alcoholic altar boy. 1 couldn't
tell you how many mornings after serious benders
I'd wake up next to strange priests.
...
ALYSSA
Aren't you the sharp wit?

HOID&.I
Sharp? No. rm just a fan of clergy-molesration
humor. Probably why the extended family quit
inviting me to Fint Communion panles.

Alyssa laughs. Holden smiles.

ALYSSA
(lookingOC)
You play darts?

HOlDEN
Not professionally. You know• only in bars.

ATTHE DART BOARD

 i3

r·
t_.-.·•, A dart hits the board. Then, one hits the wall beside the board
Alyssa winds up with another dart. Holden watches. Her's always hit. His never do.

ALYSSA
So your new book seems to be selling like mad.

HOLDEN
All goes back to something my grandmother told me
when I was a kid. "Holden," she said. "The big bucks
are in dick and fart jokes." She was a church-goer.

ALYSSA
Uh-oh - the cry from the bean of a real artist trapped in
commercial hell - pitying his good forrune. I'm sure you
can dry your eyes on all those fat checks you rake in.

HOlDEN
I'm sorry - did I detect a note of bitter envy in there?

ALYSSA
Nope. I'm happy my stuff gets read at all. There's very
little market for beans and flowers in this spandex-clad,
big pecks, big tits, big guns field. If I sell two issues, I
feel like John Grisham.

HOIDEN
(looking out window)
It's all about marketing. Over- or underweight guys who
don't get laid are our bread and butter, people like those
two outside are yours.

Through the window, we see a COUPLE making out on the hood of a car.

HOlDEN
·And sadly. there are more of our core audience out
there than your's.
(smiles)
I.Dok at that. though - kind of gives you a little charge,
to see two people in love. And all over Banky's car, no
less. That car's seeing more action right now than it's
seen in years.

ALYSSA
Bubbly guy like that, it's hard to figure out why.

HO.IDEN
(still looking at OC Couple)
You've gotta respect that kind of display of affection.
It's crazy, rude, self-absor~ • but it's love.

ALYSSA
That's not love.

HOLDB'-l
Says you.

ALYSSA
That out there? That's fleeting.

HOLDEN
Fleeting.

ALYSSA
Uh-huh. You wanna hear about love? Oh, I'll tell
you about love.

HOLDEN
A story?

ALYSSA
The story. The original love story.

'DoctorZhivago'.

ALYSSA
Nope. My mother's uncle. He was a millionaire.

HOLDEN
Getout

ALYSSA
I kid you not.

HOLDEN
Explain.

ALYSSA
All through high school, he dated this one girl. They
were inseperable. . And when they graduated, she
went off to Carnegie Mellon. ..

HOlDEN
In Pittsburgh.
ALYSSA
I'm impressed. So he stays in the home town, an<;! they
begin their long-distance relationship. The plan is, on the
third Sunday of every month, he'll train out, spend a
week, then train back. They do this for four years.

HOIDEN
That is love.
ALYSSA
Not nearly finished. Two months before she's going to
graduate, he's got this job digging graves, and he comes across ...

HOLDEN
A stiff.
 ALYSSA
A steamer trunk containing silver ingots.
HOIDEN
Get out of here.
ALYSSA
Many, many silver ingots. Now, my mother's uncle-
being quite the ingenious chap - he buries the trunk
again and heads up to the main office, where he pro-
ceeds to purchase a cemetary plot. Guess which one?
HOIDEN
Clever.

ALYSSA
So now he owns the plot and all of its contents. Two
days later, my mother's uncle is wonh three million.

HOlDEN
At which time he marries the high school sweethean
and Uves happily ever after.

ALYSSA
Not even close. Inside the steamer trunk, stenciled
into the wood, or something like that, is a curse.

HOIDEN
Someone wrote 'Fuck' inside his new steamer trunk.

ALYSSA
Not that kind of curse. A cryptic curse: "Great fortune
means great loss" it said

HOlD~
What kind of asshole writes that inside a steamer trunk?
ALYSSA
The same kind of asshole that buries silver ingots.
The day my mother's uncle is heading out to see the
girl, he stops at his accountants to grab some cash,
and winds up missing his train. So he has to take :
the next one - which he does - and he gets there an
hour later than his usual time of arrival, whereupon
he sees lights.

HOlDEN
A hero's welcome for the new millionaire.
ALYSSA
It seems that while she was standing on the platform
waiting that extra hour for my mother's uncle to show
up, the girl was dragged into the bushes by an un-
known assailant, raped and gutted
Holden is silent. Alyssa downs her drink.

ALYSSA
The assailant was never apprehended.

HOIDfN
(beat)
That's a love story?!

ALYSSA
Yes, and here's why: my mother's uncle rode that train
every day for the rest of his life. One day up, the next
day back. Did that 'till the day he died. He donated the
fonune he'd acquired to the train station in Pittsburgh,
to have a well-lit terminal built. The train line let him
ride for free after that.

HOIDfN
I should hope so. Jesus, that's the saddest tale I've
ever heard.

ALYSSA
That's my love story.

Alyssa tosses her last dart. Holden seems a bit dlled. He looks out the window.

HOLDEN
Those two aren't on the hood of Banky's car anymore.

ALYSSA
I told you. It wasn't love.
(grabs her purse)
I gotta split. It was really nice meeting you. I wish
you the best of luck with your book.
(shakes his hand)
Tell Hooper I'll call him later. And tell your friend to
caJmdown.

Alyssa exits to the right. Holden stares after her. Two beats later, Hooper and
Banky enter, holding an 'Everything's Archie' comic between them.

BANKY .
You're insane. Archie ls not fucking Mister Weatherbee!
HOOPfR
Deny, deny, deny.
(to Holden)
Where's Alyssa?
HOIDEN
Huh? Oh. She left. She said she'd call you later.

BANKY
(off comic)
He's just offering to help Archie with his homework!
 /7

r Read between the lines.

HOOPER

BANKY
(shoves book at him)
Fuck this.
(to Holden)
Let's go. Traffic.
(no response from Holden)
Holden!

HOlD&l
(shaken)
What?

BANKY
Let's go.

HOOPER
(looking out window)
D'jou see that dent in the hood of your car?

BANKY
(looking out window)
What the.••! Son of a bitch!

Banky runs out. Holden shrugs at Hooper.

HOOPFR
Let me guess: you like her?

HOIDEN
Who?

HOOPER
Miss Alyssa Jones.

She's alright.

HOOPFR
As long as that's all.
(finishes drink)
Maybe you can convince that partner of your's to
drop me off downtown before you scurry out the
tunnel?

HOID&l
(beat)
Mister Weatherbee wasn't really trying to fuck
Archie, was he?

They begin exiting.

r HOOPER
Hell no. Weatherbee was Reggie's bitch.
 INT STUDIO- DAY
We're in Holden and Banky's studio. It's a rented loft-style place with high
ceilings, wood floors and sparse furnishings. There are posters on the walls, a
sort of kitchenette, a hockey net, a basketball hoop, two drawing boards with
adjacent desks (littered with pencils, pens, coloring pencils, paints, erasers, etc.),
a big t.v. (with all the trimmings - VCR. Laserdisc Player, Sega, SNES), and a huge,
comfy couch - upon which sits Banky. He's watching 'Butch Cassidy and the Sun-
dance Kid'. The remote control's in his hand, and he's eating a sandwich.

Holden draws at one of the drawing ~bJes. He's penciUng a page.

HOWEN
(not looking up)
There are two pages you could be inking.

On t. v., Sundance shoots a reptile of some sort. It falls off a rock.

BANKY
Look at how fast The Kid is.
(rewinds it)

HOlDEN
(gets up and stretches)
I hate to break it to you, but the editor's fast. Red-
ford didn't really shoot that lizard.

BANKY
Show's what you know - that's a snake.

It's a lizard.

BANKY
It's a snake.

HOIDEN
·Sack it up again and go frame by frame.

Banky does. They stare. It turns out to be a lizard.

HOIDEN
See that? Those are legs. It's a lizard.

The phone stans ringing. Holden goes to answer it.

BANKY
(beat)
It's a gecko..
HOlDEN
(answering phone)
Bank-Hold-Up.

i [ Crosscut between Holden and HOOPER, on a phone in a club.

 HOOPER
It's a lizard.

HOLDFN
I keep telling him that. What's up?

HOOPER
I know how you burb-fiends hate the city, but there's
a club shindig going down that I think you'd get into.

~OLDEN
Where is• it?

HOOPER
Place called Her-Story - I'm temping as bar-keep for a friend

HOLDFN
I don't know, Hoop. We got our big M-1V meeting in the
morning, and I should get some work done. So should he.
(kicks couch, stining Banky)

HOOPER
I told her you wouldn't be interested.
HOIDFN
Told who?

HOOPER
Alyssa.

HOLDFN
Alyssa from last night Alyssa?

HOOPER
How do you begin and end a question with the same
word like that? You got skill. Yes, that one. She asked
.me JO invite you. Now here's the pan where you say ...

I'll be there.
HOOPER
Thought so. Ten o'clock. later.
(both hang up)

BANKY
Who was that?
HOLDEN
Hooper. He invited me to a club.
BANKY
When 1s that faggot going to learn - you like chicks.

HOLDB-J
Not that kind of a club.
r So when we leaving?
BANKY

HOLDEN
'We'? You can't go. He's setting me up with Alyssa.

BANKY
And?

HOIDEN
And I don1 t want you fucking it up.

BANKY
Uke I care about your shit. Maybe l111 hook up myself.

HOLDEN
(pulling on coat)
I just told you - it's not that kind of club.

BANKY
How does one man get to be so funny?

HOLDEN
(throws him his coat)
How are you going to get home if I hook up?

BANKY
Uke that'll happen.

HOLDEN
Let me explain something to you, my witless chum •
the other night in that bar, we two - Alyssa and I -
shared a moment, alright?

BANKY
Oh, you had a moment?

HOIDEN
We shared a moment. And in that moment, one
thing was made abundantly clear: this girl loves
me, my friend. lDves - me.

INT HER-STORY - NIGHT

It's a club - people are mingling, a band ls playing, it's loud. But something's fishy.

Hooper's tending bar. He hands a GUY a drink. The Guy sips it.

GUY
This is so watered down. It's terrible. Why is it
you can never get a decent drink in these places?

Hooper looks around in a very exagerated fashion.

GUY
 2{
What are you doing?

HOOPER
Trying to find you a tissue.
The Guy shoots Hooper an angry glare. Banky enters.

BANKY
Alright - bring on the free hootch.

HOOPFR
As long as you don't bitch about how little alcohol
is in the drink.
(hands Banky a drink; to Guy)
You owe me five sixty.

GUY
(off Banky)
And I suppose you're going to make your friend
here pay for his drink, right?

BANKY
Hey, J befriended a guy in a position of authority so I
could abuse that authority and get free shit. You want
to do the same? There's a lonely Hindu who works at
the '7-11' across the street Get in tight with him.

Toe Guy angrily pulls out his money and slams it on the bar.

GUY
I work at that '7-11 '!
(storms away)

BANKY
(calling after him)
Wanna be friends?

HOOPER
Where's your better half7

BANKY
Taking a piss. Guy's got a bladder like an infant.

HOOPER
That's funny - he says you're hung like an infant.

BANKY
Must his mother tell him everything?
Holden enters.
BANKY
What'd you do - fall in love?
HOLDEN
Where is she?
 22

HOOPfR
Over there. •.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR - in the middle of a thrall of people - dances Alyssa She
moves like a cat and she's looking very sexy.

OCHOOPER
Been dancin' for an hour. Hasn't stopped yet.
Hooper, Holden, and Banky stare OC. ·

BANKY
She ain't no Denny Terrio, I'll say that

Holden smacks Banky and moves to exit

HOOPER
Wait, wait, wait - there's something you should know.

HOIDFN
She's got a boyfrie~d.

HOOPrR
Well••• no.

HOIDfN
Then what's to know?

Holden exits. They watch him go. Banky l(?Oks around.

BANKY
There're alot of chicks in this place.

HOOPER
'Chicks'. You're such a man.

BANKY
(beat)
He didn't really say that about my dick. did he?

ON THE DANCE Fl.DOR - Holden slips into the crowd and danc~ up to Alyssa. He
intentionally bumps into her.

HOIDEN
(fake rage; dancing)
Hey, hey, hey - you fucked up my cabbage-patch!
ALYSSA
Well, well, well - Bluntman himself. Or should 1
call you Chronic?

HOlDfN
Call me flattered. I heard you sent me the invite
to this little soiree'.
 ALYSSA
From a former home-town girl, to Mister Home-Town himself.

HOlDrN
You're saying you're from the 'burbs?

ALYSSA
Middletown, N.J.

HOlD&l
Get out of here! I'm from Highlands!

ALYSSA
I know. Hooper told me.

HOlDrN
How is it that we never ran into one another?

ALYSSA
You graduate from Hudson?

HOlDrN
Yeah. Eghty eight.

ALYSSA
I went to North. Also eighty eight.
HOlDrN
What a small fucking world. So you know the trl-
town area?

ALYSSA
Quizme.

HOlDrN
Miller Hill?

ALYSSA
l wrote my name on the wall.

HOlDrN
Sandy Hook?

ALYSSA
Lost my virginity there.

HOLDrN
This is so cool. The mall?
ALYSSA
Eden Prairie of Menlo Park?

HOlDEN
Wait - here's the big test: Quick Stop?

ALYSSA
 My best friend fucked a dead guy in the back room.

HOlDcN
You know that girl?!
ALYSSA
I did. Before she was commited.
HOlDcN
You know what this is? This is fate.
ALYSSA
(regarding her move)
No, this is the 'Rog'.

HOIDEN
I was talking about us meeting - what are the chances?
ALYSSA
Pretty slim. I haven't been back to the 'burbs since
my friend's funeral.
HOlDEN
The Quick Stop girl died?
ALYSSA
Another friend - Julie Dwyer. She died in the...

HOLDEN
Y.M.C.A. pool! Damn! You knew her too?
ALYSSA
Sowell.
HOID8'1
One friend in an asylum, the other friend in the grave.
You're a dangerous person to know.
ALYSSA
But I can tap.
(does an impromptu tap dance)
That was the Buffalo Two-Step.
HOIDEN
Very solid

ALYSSA
That's what six years of tap lessons yields.
HOLDe-1
Two towns away from each other for years and we
had to meet in New York.·
The band stops playing. People clap.
ALYSSA
 Coutda been worse - we could have not met at alt.

Holden looks at her.

OCSINGER
Thank you. Tha~ks.
The SINGER on stage speaks into the microphone.

SINGER
A long time ago, we used to have a bass player who
could lay down a mean line - just fucking powerful,
okay. And she took off one day to draw funny books
or something. Maybe you've seen her stuff - it's
called 'Idiosyncratic Routine'?

The crowd applauds. Alyssa shakes her head, smiling. Holden pokes her.

SINGER
But what alot of people don't know is that she used
to harbor these delusions that she could sing. And
she used to subject us to these throaty renditions of
Debbie Gibson tunes and shit, insisting that we let
her front on a few numbers. Well, we didn't and she
quit. .. and then she got famous, the bitch.
(crowd laughs)
But she's here tonight, and I think if we alt begged,
or maybe offered her some X, she'd get up here
and treat us to some of her vocal sty lings.
(crowd applauds)
What do you say, Alyssa?

Alyssa shakes her head no. The crowd urges her. Holden pushes her forward.

SINGER
She's shy.
(yelling)
GET' UP HERE AND SING, BITCH!!
The crowd thunders. Alyssa offers the Singer an embarrased half-smile. She
looks at Holden, who claps along with the others and nods toward the stage.
Alyssa shakes her head and relents, heading through the crowd

Banky and Hooper stand at the bar.

BANKY
This is really queer.
(he exits)

HOOPER
(beat)
You don't know the half of it.
Alyssa jumps on stage, hugging the Singer. She takes the mic, shaking her head.
The crowd is applauding.
 ALYSSA
She is such a cunt

The crowd cheers. Alyssa laughs. She turns to the band and says something, to
which they nod. She turns back to the crowd.
ALYSSA
Alright. I should dedicate this, right?
(thinks)
This is for that special someone out there.

Holden smiles. Banky joins him. Holden glances at him. Banky offers a mocking
mimic of his smile.

The band starts playing. Cross cuning begins.

Alyssa launches into the spicey Buster Pointdexter rendition of 'Castle in Spain'.
The song is extremely seductive • as is Alyssa, who slithers and salsas across the
stage, making direct eye contact with ...

Holden. Or does she? Holden is smiling, being seduced. Banky rolls his eyes.
Beside Holden, stands a pretty GIRL with a shon haircut, who's also riveted by
Alyssa's performance.

Alyssa makes big•time eye contact with somebody out there. The song seems to
be aimed at whoever she's looking at. It's more than obvious there"s a seduction
going on, but of whom? At a break in the song, Alyssa reaches a fever pitch and
throws her hand out at someone in the crowd, urging whoever it is to join her.

Holden shakes his head sheepishly and looks downward, aw•shucks style. At that
moment, the Girl beside him moves fotward and jumps on the stage. Banky's eyes
widen. Holden looks up and ls suddenly taken aback.

Alyssa and the Girl dance with one another to the music, passionately, almost
well<horeographed. Their hands are all over each other.

Holden and Banky watch, a bit mystified.

Alyssa goes into the final verse of the song, arms around the Girl, spinning her,
the works, all in time with the lyrics. At the abrupt ending, the Girl and Alyssa
fall into a way-t~passionate.ta.mean•anything~lse kiss. .' ·

Holden's eyes bug. Banky allows a smile to creep across his face. The crowd
applauds. Banky looks around, and for the first time, we get the distinct im-
pression that this is a lesbian bar...

There are a lot of chicks in this place. Gay chicks.

Banky looks back to Holden and slaps him on the back.

BANKY
Now that, my friend, is a shared moment.

Holden continues to stare - mouth agape - OC.

Alyssa and the Girl continue to make out.
 27

INT HER-STORY - lATER

Banky, Holden, Alyssa and the Girl from the dance floor sit around a table. Alyssa
and the Girl continue to make out. Holden and Banky casually watch, wide-eyed.
Banky stares a little harder. Holden hits him.

BANKY
What?!

HOIDEN
(under his breath)
That's rude.
.BANKY
Man, when are we ever going to get a chance to see
this kind of shit live without paying for it7

Alyssa and the Girl break their kiss.

ALYSSA
Uh-oh - better knock it off: we're getting a man excited.
HOLmN
Sorry. It's just.•. new to him.

BANKY
Oh, and you're an old hand at this.

ALYSSA
No, I should apologize. I don't usually get all mushy in
public. But it's been awhile since I've seen Kim here.

KIM
(formerly the Girl)
Tell me you didn't set that gross display up with
the band just so you could nail me.

ALYSSA
Uke I'd have to go through that much effort

KIM
You know what? 1 want to dance.

ALYSSA
Go ahead. I'll watch from here.

KIM
(tugging at her arm)
No, I want to dance with you.
ALYSSA
Don't be such a rag. I have to sit here and work
up the desire to fuck you later.

KIM
Please.
Kim exits. Banky is smiling ear-to-ear. Alyssa looks at him.

ALYSSA
Yes?

BANKY
You said 'fuck'. To that girl. You said you'd 'fuck' her.
ALYSSA
And?

. BANKY
How can a girl 'fuck' another girl? Were you talking
about strap-ons or something?

HOlDfN
(hits him)
Would you shut up?!
BANKY
What?!? It's a valid question. You know the dyke
stuff in the Penthouse Leners section is written
by guys - this is our chance to get the inside scoop.

HOlDfN
(to Alyssa)
I don't know how many times I can apologize for him.

ALYSSA
It's okay. Secretly, all l really want is to be the
center of attention.
(to Banky)
I've never used a strap-on.

BANKY
Then what's with saying 'fuck'? Shouldn't you say
'eat her out' or at least modify the term 'fuck' with
something like 'fist'?

ALYSSA
Let me ask you a question - can men 'fuck' each oth'er7
BANKY
Ask Hooper.
ALYSSA
ln your estimation.
BANKY
Sure.
ALYSSA
So for you, to 'fuck' means to penetrate. You're used
to the more traditional definition - you inside some
girl you've duped, jack-hammering away, not noticing
that bored look in her eyes.

BANKY
You're so fucking wrong. I always notice the bored
look in their eyes.

ALYSSA
(laughs)
'Fucking' is not limited to penetration, Banky. For me
it describes any sex when it's not totally about Jove.
I don't love Kim, but I'll fuck her. I'm sure you don't
love every girl you sleep with.

BANKY
Some of them I downright loathe.

ALYSSA
But I'll bet it's different with the ones you love. I'll
bet you go the full nine when it's not just a quick
fix - like you go down on them longer or something.
HOIDfN
Here we go.

BANKY
I don't do that.
ALYSSA
What?!?!

BANKY
I stopped dropping. It got to be too frustrating.

HOI.DcN
As stupid as you usually come off during this dia-
tribe of your's, you're going to come off ten times
as stupid on this occasion.
BANKY
What?! I Jost my tolerance for the bullshit baggage
that comes with eating girls out. What's the big d~l71

ALYSSA
If you say the smell, so help me, I'll slug you.

BANKY
Not the smell - the smell is good. I'm talking about
not being able to do it properly. And my mother
brought me up to believe that if J can't do something
right, J shouldn't do It at alt. Of course, my father told
me she gave lousy head, but that's beside the point.

ALYSSA
At least you blame yourself for your sexual inadequacies.

BANKY
 Jo
No, I blame them. Chicks never help you out. They
never tell you what to do. And most of them are all
self-conscious about that smell factor, and so most of
the time they just lay there, frozen like a deer in the
headlights, right? Not for nothing, but when a chick
goes down on me, I let her know where to go, and what
the status is. You gotta handle it like CNN and the
Weather Channel - constant updates.

You're such an idiot.

· ALYSSA
No, he's got a point. That's how I was in high school - I
was nervous, and inhibited about being eaten out. But
by the time I got to college, that all changed. I loosened
up. Not only did I team to communicate • I learned to
be bossy. I was like one of those guys at the airpon with
those big flash lights - waving them this way, directing
them that way, telling them when to stop.
BANKY .
And that's all I'm saying. It'd be different if chicks
helped out-pointed a guy in the right direction. Then
there'd be no bulJshit, no wasted time, and no chance
for permanent injuries.
ALYSSA
Permanent injuries?
BANKY
Sure. You wanna see something permanent?
(pulls out front tooth)
I got this from Nina Rollins, sophmore year. I'm
going down on her, and out of nowhere, her cat
jumps on her stomach. She does this big ol' pelvic
thrust - c~cks my tooth in half, sends it down my
throat I had to get a crown for the stub.

ALYSSA
(to Holden)
I got that beat.
(to Banky)
I got that beat.
(half-turns and lifts shin)
Sophmore year. I'm going down on Cynthia Slater in
her dorm room after we went club-hopping. rm totally
drunk, and in the middle of it, I fall asleep - right there
in her lap. She got so mad, she digs her heel into my
back, right there.
(points to scar)
That's pennanent.
BANKY
You see this?
(moves neck slightly right)
 3/
That's the farthest I can move my neck to the right
Sophmore year, I'm going out with Maria Bennett,
and for six months, I'm going down on her, and not
a damn thing's happening. Then one night, I change
a position, or vary my lapping-speed, and suddenly
it's a whole new world. She's moving around, con-
vulsing, breathing heavy. And her legs are pressing
against my ears so tightly that I don't hear her father
come into the room. He grabs my hair...
(grabs his own hair and pulls back)
...and he pulls me way back, hard.

ALYSSA
(throws up her leg and rolls up pants)
Senior year. Spring Formal. I'm eating out Missy
Kurt in her brother's car. She's laying across the
back seat, and I'm half-hanging out of the car, my
knees on the ground. She's flailing around, and she
knocks the parking brake off. The car stans rolling
down the hill, and my right knee is cut up all to shit
like a kiddy's scissor class cut it up for paper dolls.
Banky and Alyssa laugh. Holden looks at a small scar on his arm and thinks
better about mentioning it. Alyssa points to Banky's forearm.
ALYSSA
What's that one?

BANKY
This? J got that delivering pies for Quickie's
Pizzas. During the Shaw Delivery.

HOlDrN
You were on the Shaw Delivery?! You never told me!
ALYSSA
What's the Shaw Delivery?
BANKY
(very seriously)
One Saturday, we get this call for a pizza delivery to a
local politician's estate -a Councilman Shaw. I go and
when I get there I see about eight other cars in die drive-
way - all delivery guys from other Quickie's. The Council-
man's wife greets us and sits us all down in her living
room, and proceeds to tell us that we're all going to have
sex with her, while her husband listens from outside the
. door. And no matter how hard he begs, we're not to let
him in. She says refusal will mean non-stop harassment
from the local cops. So against most of our wills, we're led
into her bedroom and one by one, the guys climb on top of
her and go while her husband scratches like a bitch in heat
at the door, trying to get in. So he's pounding on the door
and we're scared as hell, and sometimes he goes away...
sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes you could
hear him crying outside the door.
 -12..

ALYSSA
OhmyGod.

BANKY
About six thiny I bump into an old friend of mine. Her-
bie Robenson, from Civics class - a baseball player. I tap
him on the shoulder to tum him around. But he just rolls
over onto the bed - bobs on the mattress like a kind of
top. He'd passed out from the fear. And the line gets
shoner, and it's almost _my tum. You know - that's the
the time I was most frightened - I'll never wait in a line
again. So eight delivery boys go in, and seven have sex
with the Councilman's wife, June the twenty third, 1989.
(beat)
Anyway... we delivered the pizza.

A moment of silence. Then Kim re-enters and plants a big kiss on Alyssa's neck.
HOI.DfN
(off Banky's watch)
Holy shit, is that the time. We've gotta beat traffic.

BANKY
What traffic - it's one thirty in the morning!

HOIDEN
(getting up)
And nisb hour stans in six hours. Let's go.
(to Alyssa)
Thanks for inviting us out. It was. .. educational.

Alyssa waves at him as he exits. Banky slides out of the booth.

BANKY
(to Kim)
. Since you like chicks, right... do you just look at your-
·self in the mirror all the time?

Holden reaches in and pulls Banky out. Alyssa watches them go, then kisses Kim.

INT M-1V EXEC'S OFFICE WAITTNG ROOM- DAY

Holden looks preoccupied. Banky flips through magazines, biting off mini pieces of
the gum he's chewing. He sticks them between pages, presses the mag closed, picks
up another one and then repeats the whole process. A Receptionist types.

BANKY
(off Holden's look)
You're still dwelling on the dyke, aren't )IOU?

HOlDEN
Lower your voice.

BANKY
 33

What'd I tell you - she just needs the right guy. All
every woman really wants - be it mother, senator, nun -
is some serious deep-dicking.

The Receptionist stops typing and looks at Banky, shocked.

BANKY
(off her look)
Don't give me that look- I heard Adam Curry say worse.

The Secretary goes back to typing. Banky shrugs at Holden .

. BANKY
That's why I can't buy lesbians. Everyone needs dick.
See, I can buy fags. Bunch of guys that need dick - just
plain need it? That I get. But dykes? Bullshit posturing.
Ah - live and let live, I guess.

HOlDEN
I'm sure the gay community appreciates your support.

JOHN SLOSS, the boys' lawyer, joins them.

SLOSS
You haven't blown this deal- or each other, for that
matter - while sitting here waiting for me, have you?

BANKY
Sloss like a mother fucker.
(slaps his hand)

s~
Hey, every mother but your's - a sheister's gotta
have his standards. Shall we?

INT M-1V EXEC'S OFFJCE - DAY

The EXECS are a casual couple of guys, sitting on couches across from our trio.

EXEC 1
We Just want to stan off by saying that it's a plea-, ·
sure to finally meet y!)u. WhlJe it's been - shall we
say - an experience dealing with Sloss here, one of
the main reasons we started this whole thing was to
meet the guys that do 'Bluntman and Chronic'.

EXEC2
(points at them) .
'Snootchie Bootchies'.
The Execs and Sloss laugh. Holden and Banky politely join in. Banky shoots Holden
a 'these guys are idiots' look. ·

EXEC l
Which brings us to our proposal: we are extremely
interested in doing twelve, half-hour 'Bluntman and
 Chronic' canoons. The age of Beavis is coming to a
close, and we're looking for something... something..•

BANKY
Even more retarded and juvenile to sate the voracious,
intellectually-challenged miscreants that make up
your key demographic.
The Execs laugh hard. Sloss secretly shrugs to Banky and gives the thumbs up.

EXEC I
(composes himselO
So what do you say? Are we in business?

Banky leans back into the couch, wearing a thoughtful face. He looks to Holden,
then _to Sloss. Sloss nods in understanding.
SLOSS
Jim, Sean - could we have a few minutes?
EXEC2
(looks to Exec I )
Uh... absolutely. We'll just. ..

EXEC I
Uh...wait outside.

The Exec's smile and head out, dosing the door behind them. Sloss turns to Banky.

SLOSS
So? Did I do good?

BANKY
You did better - you sold us out!
They clasp hands and quietly explode in ebullience.

SLOSS
Do you know how much you'll make on merchan-
dising alone?

BANKY
(as Simon Bar Sinister)
Money and Power, and Money and Power...
SLOSS
Ooins in)
... and Money and Power, and Money and ..
HOlDEN
(interupting)
I don't think it's a good idea.
Banky and Sloss freeze. They stare at Holden.
BANKY

• • •. '"' •- • ,~"""' -• • •, • • .,, - • - • • • • _,. • • • • I

 What's not a good idea? Please don't say the cartoon,
please don't say the cartoon...
HOLDcN
Thecanoon.
SLOSS
What?!? Are you out of your fucking mind?
BANKY
(getting up)
John, let me handle this.
(to Holden)
You are out of your fucking mind, aren't you?

HOWEN
Is this how you want to be remembered? As the
guy who created Bluntman and Chronic?
Banky sits at the Exec's desk and starts rifling through the guy's stuff.

BANKY
No, I'd like to be remembered as the filthy rich guy
who created Bluntman and Chronic.

HOlDfN
But it'll be all glossy and main-stream. We'll lose
any artistic credibility we ever had.
SLOSS
(to Banky)
Is it me? I don't see the problem.
BAN1'.'Y
(to Sloss)
He just has to get over this crush of his.
SLOSS
Oh Gdd - not on came Fisher again?
(to Holden)
Holden - she's not really a Princess.
BANKY
(opening drawer with a letter opener)
Not on her; on Alyssa Jones - the chick that does that
comic book 'Idiosyncratic Routine'. You ever seen it?
SLOSS
Please. Like I even read your comic, let alone
anyone else's.
(to Holden)
l'm not limited to offering you legal counsel only, my
friend. I'm also teamed in the ways of the heart, and
can offer you this advice - fuck her, get it out of your
system, and move on. Like we say at Sloss Law - good
fences make good neighbors.
 BANKY
She'd never let him in her yard. The chick's gay.
SLOSS
(Jaughing)
She's gay?!? You fell for a gay, comic-book writing
chick? Holden, you poor, poor man!
(beat)
Wait a sec - does she hav~ representation?
.BANKY
Always working, you.
(holds up a Polaroid of a naked woman)
Look at this - Mrs. M-1V F.xec has a string of pearls
hanging out of her ass.
SLOSS
Would you leave his stuff alone!
(to Holden)
You can break her resolve, killer. All it takes is one
good man. But if it takes two good men, don't·hesitate
to call me. That being said, in regards to more pressing
issue, I suggest you leave the an to the museums and
grab on with both hands to the big, fat check.
HOlDEN
l'IJ give it some thoughL

BANKY
(holding up Polaroid)
I'm taking this as a precaution - just in case they
give us any shit about pussy's decision delay.
(glaring at Holden)
You'll 'give it some thought'. You're so retarded.
HOlD~
Says the guy who only fony five minutes ago paid
fifty bucks for what's supposed to be a boot-leg of
'March of the Wooden Soldiers' with a deleted scene .
of Stan laurel wearing a French Tickler.
SLOSS
How'd you fall for that?
BANKY
The guy who sold it to me had an honest face.

INT STUDIO- DAY

There is a door. There's a knock at the door. Holden opens it and Alyssa is
standing there.
ALYSSA
 Somebody told me that they make comic books here,
and I've got an idea for this story about a guy who
comes to a club and high-tails it when he finds out
this girl is gay. Any interest in a story like that?
HOlDEN
Well that depends. How does the story end?

ALYSSA
The girl - who traveled recllly far from the big city
to a place she swore she'd never visit again - takes
the guy out to lunch in the park.

HOlDEN
Takes him out?
ALYSSA
Well, asks him out. He still has to say...
(beat)
Look. this is getting cheesy. I didn't come all this
way just to have .this movie-moment with you in
the doorway. Get your coat and come on.
EXT RIVERFRONT PARK - DAY
Alyssa and Holden walk through the park. eating hot dogs.
ALYSSA
M-TV?

HOlDEN
Twelve episodes.
ALYSSA
That's great, isn't it?
HOI.D&l
Banky_seems to think so.
ALYSSA
But you don't.
They come to a swing set and sit down on the swings.
HOlDEN
I don't know if that's the perception I want people to
have of our stuff. I know this sounds pretentious as
hell, but I-like to think of us as anists. And I'd like
to get back to doing something more personal - like
our first book.
ALYSSA
Well when are you going to do that?
I~
I
HOlDEN
(beat)
 38
As soon as we have something personal to say.

ALYSSA
Do you know how pretty you are?

HOlDfN
What?

ALYSSA
You're a pretty man.
HOIDfN.
Uh... thanks.

ALYSSA
Oh. I get it. I'm into girls, so 1 have to find all men
repulsive or something.

HOIDEN
r didntt say anything.
ALYSSA
Aren't there some men that you find attractive?
Granted, not enought to sleep with, but still - just
handsome or something?

HOIDEN
Sure. Harrison Ford And our mail-man.

ALYSSA
Well it's the same thing. I look at you and just find
you really handsome. And you know, it has very
little to do with your look, per-say. Your look is
fine, dontt get me wrong. But it's more your out-
look. The things you say, the way you see things.
It's... I don't know... attractive.

Holden looks away, embanassed.

ALYSSA
I weirded you out the other night.

HOIDEN
Huh? No, not really.

ALYSSA
Comeon.

HOLDEN
(beat)
It's just that we've ... I mean, I've never seen that
kind of thing up close and personal. It just took
awhile to process, longer than usual.

ALYSSA
Do you want to talk about it?
 HOlDEN
Um. If you want to.
ALYSSA
I like you. I haven't liked a man in a long time. And
I'm not a man-hater or something. It's just been some
time since I've been exposed to a man that didn't im-
mediately live-in to a stereotype of some son. And 1
want you to feel comfonable with me, because I want
us to be friends. So if there are things you'd like to
know, it's okay to ask me.
HOLDEN
(beat)
Why girls?

ALYSSA
(beat)
Why men?
HOIDEN
Because that's the standard
ALYSSA
If that's the only reason you sleep with women -
because it's the standard...
HOlDEN
It's more than that.
ALYSSA
Have you ever slept with a man?
HOIDEN
I used to sleep on my father's stomach when I was a kid.

ALYSSA
You Know what I mean.
HOlDEN
No.

ALYSSA
Why not?
HOlDEN
No interest.
ALYSSA
Because...?
HOLDEN
It just feels right enough to be with a woman.
ALYSSA
 '-le,

r
' And that's how I feel. I've never really been attracted
to men. I didn't sleep with a man 'till I was seventeen.
I've always liked girls. Girls feel right. I'm more com-
fonable with the idea of girls.

HOlDEN
Wait, wait, wait - you were a virgin until you were
seventeen?

ALYSSA
No.

HOlDEN
But you'd never been with a guy 'till then.

ALYSSA
True.
HOlDEN
So you were a virgin?

ALYSSA
You're saying a person's a virgin until they've had
intercourse with a member of the opposite sex?

HOlDEN
Isn't that the standard definition?

ALYSSA
Again with the standards. I think virginity is lost
when you make love for the first time.

HOlDEN
With a member of the opposite sex.

ALYSSA
Why? Why only then?

HOLDEN
Because that's the standard.

ALYSSA
So if a virgin is raped, then she's still a virgin?

HOlDEN
Of course not.
ALYSSA
But rape is not the standard. So she's had sex, but
not the standard idea of sex. Hence, according to
your definition, she'd still be a virgin.
HOLDEN
Okay, I'll revise. Virginity is lost when the hymen
is broken.
r ALYSSA
Then I lost my virginity at ten, because I fell on a
fence post when I was ten, and it broke my hymen.
Now I have to tell people that I Jost it to a wooden
post I'd known my whole young life?

HOlDEN
Second revision - virginity is lost through penetration.
ALYSSA
Physical penetration or emotional?

HOlDEN
Emotional?

ALYSSA
Well, I fell in love hard with Caitlin Bree when we
were in high school.

HOlDEN
Physical penetration.
ALYSSA
We had sex.

.HOLDfN
Yeah,butnotre.alsex.

ALYSSA
I move to have that remark stricken from the record.
on account of it makes you come off as completely
naive and infantile.
HO~
Well where's the penetration in lesbian sex.

Alyssa holds up her.hand.

HOLD911
A finger? Come on. I've had my finger in my ass,
but t wouldn't say I've had anal sex.
ALYSSA
Did l hold up a finger? No. I held up a hand.
HOIDEN
(beat; then he gets it)
You're kidding?!?!
(she nods)
How...?!?
ALYSSA
Our bodies are built to pass a child, for Christ's sake.
HOlDEN
But doesn't it hurt?!
r Sure. But in a good way.
ALYSSA

HOlDEN
There's no such thing.
ALYSSA
Haven't you ever had sex with a woman that needed
you to keep going even after you'd came?
HOLDEN
Yes.
ALYSSA
Didn't it hurt?

HOLDEN
Started to.
ALYSSA
But you kept going?
HOLDEN
Sure.

ALYSSA
Because it felt good.
HOIDEN
No, to produce a result
ALYSSA
So you did it out of desire to achieve?
HOIDfN
.Or out of affection. If it was achievement I was after•..
I'd have been severely let down.
ALYSSA
Why?
HOlDEN
I don't believe in the coital orgasm.

ALYSSA
You don't believe women can come?
HOIDEN .
No. I believe women can come through oral sex. But
that's where it begins and ends. I've been with my
share of women, and none of them have ever had a
movie orgasm.
ALYSSA
A movie orgasm?
 HOIDEN
Like the women come in the movies. Three or four
thrusts and a release of male proportions. Their
bodies shivering and all that. I've asked every girl
I've been with and some I haven't, and they all
concur. They've never had an orgasm during sex.

ALYSSA
I've had an orgasm while being tongue-fucked.

HOLDEN
Get out of here!

ALYSSA
I have.
HOIDEN
Impossible. If all the women I've talked to can't have
an orgasm from regular penetration, how can it happen
for you with a tongue? I mean, let's be real - how big
can a tongue even get?

Alyssa swallows what she's chewing and releases her tongue, which is just huge.
Holden is transfixed. Alyssa wraps it back up and smiles, standing.

ALYSSA
Let's go.

She exits. Holden remains on the swing. Alyssa comes back in.

ALYSSA
Comeon.

HOIDEN
Just...um... just give me a moment

INT AIRPORT - DAY

Holden enters. Banky tries to balance way-too-much luggage. ,

HOIDPN
Look at you. It's a two day trip.

BANKY
I got the Sega in one bag, my clothes in the other,
and two months wonh of unread comics in this one.
HOlDEN
We're going to a convention, for the Jove of God. We'll
be busy from ten 'till eight each day. When are you
possibly going to have time for any of that shit? In fact,
fuck it - you're leaving some of this shit here in a locker.
Come on - give me the two that aren't clothes.
 BANKY
Hold on.
(stans rifling through one bag)
HOIDEN
What are you doing?

BANKY
I just have to get something.
(pulls out a huge stack of porno books)

HOIDEN
Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt? What are you
going to do with all of those?

BANKY
Read the articles. What do you think I'm going
to do with them? They're stroke books.

HOlDEN
You•ve got like thiny books there! We're only there
for two days!

BANKY
(leafing through mags)
Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection.
Sometimes I'm in the mood for shaved slits, some-
times I like them any and air-brushed. Sometimes
it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes
it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter
will do it. sometimes - not often, but sometimes -
I like the idea of a chick with a horse.
A beeping sound is heard Holden checks his beeper.

HOlDEN
.
Go check us
. in. I've gotta call Alyssa.

BANKY
His master's voice.
HOI.DfN
Put that stuff away.
Holden exits. Banky stans packing his mags up. A little KID enters, staring at him.
KID
What are those?
BANKY
(looks at kid then books)
Do you like horsies?

.Holden finishes dialing the phone. Cross cut between him and Alyssa at home.
ALYSSA
 I hope for the sake of the women you've dated that
you"re only this quick in returning calls.
r HOlDEN
What's up? I'm about to get on a plane.
ALYSSA
Ohhh. Why?
HOlDEN
Last minute invite to the Dragon Con'.

. ALYSSA
Shit

HOlDEN
What?

ALYSSA
My sister's at my parents'. I was gonna go see her.

HOlDEN
The one that wrote the book?

ALYSSA
Yeah. But I was staying all weekend, and I wanted
to hang out with you. This sucks.
HOlDEN
You didn't get invited to the Con'?

ALYSSA
I don't do southern con's- all the chicks have that
annoying drawl. You know how hard it is not to
laugh when someone moans "Fuhhk me"?
HOlDEN
Well th1s sucks.
(thinks)
You know - both ofus don't have to go.

ALYSSA

HOlDFN
Yeah. Banky can go by himself. It's not like we're
on a panel. It was just a signing appearance.

ALYSSA
If you come pick me up, I'll be your best friend
HOlDEN
(beat)
Where's your apanment.
ALYSSA
 I'm not there. I'm at a friend's - in the Village. Corner
of Houston and Mercer. Number eighty six, apartment 6-D.
HOIDEN
I'll be there in half an hour.

ALYSSA
You're so easy.
They hang up. Holden reacts to something OC and exits quickly.
Banky points to pictures in the book. The kid looks on.
BANKY
...And then Black Beauty couldn't take it any longer,
and he finally did some of his own mounting.
KID
(off book)
Wow.
Holden grabs Banky's arm and drags him away.
HOIDEN
What are you doing?
BANKY
(waving to kid)
I think I want kids one day. They're fun.

HOLDEN
Usten to me • I'm not going. You're going to have
to do this one by yourself.
BANKY
What? Why?
HOlDEN
Alyssa's coming down for the weekend, so I want
to hang out with her. You don't need me for this.
(taking his excess baggage) ,
Meantime, I'll take this stuff home. You can keep the
filth. I'll pick you up at nine Sunday night, alright?
Don't forget to plug the Annual and don't mention the
t.v. show, okay? Call me if you get bored.

And he's gone. Banky stands there, open-mouthed. A check-in FUGHT ATTEN-
DANT comes up to him. His name-tag reads 'Frank'.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Checking in, sir?
BANKY
(still watching Holden go)
Hunhh?
(looks at F.A.)
 Yeah. But this is carry-on.
F.A.
Federal aviation security law requires me to ask if
you've been given any strange gifts or parcels to
carry-on since arriving at the airport today.
BANKY
(thinks)
Not this trip. But one time, when I was using curb-
side check-in, this sky-cap gave me a cock ring and
a set of anal ben-wa balls. I always thought that
was pretty strange. He said his name was Frank.
(looks closely at him)
Hey! You're name's Frank!
Banky storms away. The Flight Attendant watches him go.
F.A.
Fucking kids.
EXT APARTMENT 6-0 - DAY

Holden knocks at the door. It opens. A WOMAN is standing in the doorway in

her bra. She looks Holden up and down and smirks.

WOMAN
Let me guess - 'the right man'?
HOlDrN
Excuse me?
WOMAN
You've got it in your head that Alyssa's not really into
chicks - that she just hasn't met the right man. And
you believe you're it. You're going to treat her right,
fuck her like a stud, and 'straight-jacket' her back
from tlie land of the Jost. And the sad truth is that
you'll accomplish none of that and wind up as either
an even more bitter misogynist or a reverse fag-hag.
Holden's at a loss. Alyssa slips past the Woman, carrying an overnight bag.
ALYSSA
Don't mind her. That's just her way a saying hello.
WOMAN
Actually, it's just my way of sayit_lg "Give it up."
ALYSSA
(to Woman)
You're such an asshole.
WOMAN
When you file the date-rape charges, don't say I
didn't warn you.
 HOlDEN
(holding out hand)
I'm Holden, by the way.

WOMAN
I'm the voice of reason that Miss Bitch is having such
a hard time listening to.
HOlDEN
Look, we're just friends.

WOMAN
That's what every guy says before he tries putting
your hand on his dick.

HOlDEN
And how do you know men so weJl?

WOMAN
Because I laJHlance for a living, dick-head.
She slams the door. Holden looks to Alyssa.

ALYSSA
Ohhh - you look so cute!
She heads down the stairs.

HOlDEN
Who was that?
ALYSSA
Just an occasional friend.
HOlDEN
Why would you want to hang out with someone
as bitter as that?
ALYSSA
(stops)
Remember this?
(sticks out huge tongue)
Her"s is even bigger than that.
Sh,· miles and continues on. Holden looks back up at the door. He sticks his own
tongue out and sizes it with his fingers.

EXTTURNPIKE- DAY

The car sits in traffic.

'~ lNTCAR-DAY
Holden sighs. Alyssa plays with the radio.

ALYSSA
You were raised Catholic. right?

HOIDEN
Yeah. You?

ALYSSA
Baptist

HOlDEN
Really? Did you have a strict upbringing?

ALYSSA
Please. There was no time to be bad - we were too
busy saying 'Jesus'. Yourself7

HOIDEN
l wouldn't say strict as much as moral.

ALYSSA
Really.

HOIDEN
Yeah. But at the same time. my parents were heinous-
ly morally lax as well. One year they took me and my
brother and sister to Disney World. And while we were
in the park. I'd hit gift shops and hold up stuff and ask
if I could have it. My parents'd look around and then
say "Go ahead - take it outside while we pay for it."

ALYSSA
Let me guess • they were letting you shoplift?

HOIDEN
And I Flidn't even know! There I am - in the Magic
Kingdom • picking Mickey clean.

ALYSSA
Somehow, I doubt you caused any lasting fiscal ,
damage to the company.

HOIDEN
I never caught on. I mean, sure • I thought it was
weird that I couldn't have my name stitched into my
Mouseketeer ears, but they were my parents.

ALYSSA
One family raises their kid a bible thumper and she
turns gay. The other Jets their kid plunder the shit
out of the epitome of American tourism and he walks
the straight and narrow.

HOlDEN
You think your upbringing had something to do
 with your lifestyle choice?
ALYSSA
Somewhere along the line. It's a gradual transition
to make - from doing what the majority does to taking
a leap of faith and doing what feels more natural.
Everything helps - from the way you were handled
as a kid, to the way the boys acted in third grade,
to the shoes you wore at your freshmen prom.

HOLDEN
Shoes?

ALYSSA
Well they were really tight.

HANGING OlIT MONTAGE BEGINS

With the requisite music, over which we hear a conversation between Holden
and Alyssa.

l) Holden and Alyssa sit in the DINER, eating. Holden's talking. The Waitress
walks past and drops her pad She bends ~ver, to pick it up, hiking her mini-
skin up in the process. Alyssa stares at her ass. Holden stops talking and
stares at her. Alyssa looks over at him and offers a caught smile.

2) Holden pushes a shopping cart at the FOOD STORE, throwing various things
into the basket. Alyssa comes up with a box of Tampons and throws them
in. Holden glances at them, a bit flushed. Alyssa catches him, picks up the
box, and pulls one out. She proceeds to demonstrate their usage, throwing
one leg on the can and miming insertion. Holden puts up his hands in the
"I know, I know," fashion.

3) At the DINER again - Holden hands the Waitress the check and some cash to
pay for it. Alyssa takes the Waitress' hand, writes her phone number on it,
and smiles. The Waitress coyly returns the smile and walks away. Holden
stares at Alyssa, open-mouthed. Alyssa offers him the 'What?' look.
4) Holden and Alyssa at the COMIC BOOK STORE. Steve-Dave and the Fan-Boy
eye them suspiciously. Alyssa pays for a comic. Steve-Dave glowers at
Holden. He gives Alyssa her change and they exit. Steve-Dave goes back to
his card game with the Fan-Boy. Suddenly, a garbage can comes crashing
through their window. Steve-Dave rips a check off the garbage can and
punches the counter. The Fan-Boy rubs his back soothingly.
5) Holden and Alyssa walk through a PARKING LOT, talking. She takes his hand
and pulls his arm around her shoulders. Holden smiles to himself.
HOLDENV.O.
Let me ask you something - we get along, right?
ALYSSA V.O.
Famously.
HOLDEN V.O.
We have a definite chemistry?
 ALYSSA V.O.
So it would seem.

HOLOENV.O.
But we're both into girls.
ALYSSA V.O.
I'm into women.

HOLOENV.O.
But you weren't always gay?

'ALYSSA V.O.
I've seen my share of 'willies'.

HOIDENV.O.
So if we'd met a long time ago... before you went
all gay...?

ALYSSA V.O.
... I'd still be muff-diving, yes.

HOIDENV.O.
Thought so.

.~ INT STUDIO - DAY

Holden and Banky play EA Spons Hockey on Sega. There's a knock at the door.

HOIDEN
Comein.
Alyssa enters.

ALYSSA
So this is how you research the deep insights that
appear in that book of your's? Someone once told me
that guys who play hockey are merely making up for
penile deficiencies by carrying big sticks.
BANKY
I thought you lived in the city7 This is like the ump-
teenth time I've seen you here. Isn't that grounds enough
for the little pink mafia to throw you out of their club.

HOIDEN
(hits Banky; to Alyssa)
I'll be ready in a second. I just have to school this
mouthy second-stringer.
BANKY
Bitch, you're schooling no one.
They play. Cut back and forth between the game and Banky, Holden, and Alyssa.

. . - . .
 HOLDE.J
(off game)
What? Do something!

BANKY
(off game)
You fucking cock-teaser. I'll knock your fucking
teeth out and pass all over your ass.

HOLDEN
Look at how slow you are. Christ, you move like
a geriatric. ·

BANKY
(screaming at screen)
Fuck! You fucking cock-sucker, man! These faggots
won't do what I tell them to!

HOLDEN
Oh, it's the controller, right? It's always the controller.

BANKY
No, it's these. .. fucking queers on blades that can't accept
a fucking pass to save their Jives! What period is this?

HOLDEN
Final sixty of the third.

BANKY
Fuck! Look at your fucking guys, they ... FUCK!!!
(whips controller)
FUCKING COCK SUCKER, MAN! I SWEAR TO GOO!
Banky storms away. Alyssa looks at Holden.

HOLDEN
Imagine if I'd only beaten him by one instead of
thirty?

INT SKEE-BALL ARCADE- DAY

Holden feeds a couple dollars into the change machine. Alyssa looks on.
ALYSSA
Explain this again.

HOLDEN
How could you have grown up down the shore and
ver played skee-ball7 What did you do with your youth?
ne-
They head toward the skee-ball runs.
ALYSSA
Smoked pot, gave Jlead, stayed out late.
 HOlDrN
Not your grade school years; your high school years.

ALYSSA
(off skee-ball run)
This looks complicated.

HOlDEN
(inserts coin and pulls lever)
The premise is very basic - you roJl the ball up the ramp
at varying speeds, in an effon to pop it into the score cir-
cles. The higher the score, the more prize tickets you get.

ALYSSA
What do you do with the prize tickets?

HOlD&l
Trade them in for prizes that aren't worth nearly as
much as you paid to play the game.

ALYSSA
Then what's the point?

HOID&l
It's fun.

ALYSSA
And you question my lifestyle.

HOID8'1
Observe.

Holden rolls the ball. It pops into a twenty point circle.

HOlDEN
See? It's just that simple.

ALYSSA
Why not just walk up there and put it in the fifty
every time7

HOlD&l
Where's the sldll in that7

ALYSSA
Oh, this is a sk1117 I'm sorry, I had no idea.

HOlD&l
Just toss one.
Alyssa picks up a ball, squints to aim, and whips it overhand. It pops off one of
the circles and shoots back at them, missing them as they duck. An QC knock and
an "OW!" is heard. Holden reacts as Alyssa laughs.

HOIDEN
(toOCguy)
 I'm sony, man. She's new at this...
l(1" Holden ducks as the ball comes sailing back at his head. He gets up.

HOIDEN
(toOC)
Thankyou.
(hands Alyssa another ball)
Underhand Throw it underhand.
ALYSSA
That lowers the chances of my making it in.

HOIDEN
Now you're getting it.
ALYSSA
This is where you take straight chicks on dates?

HOlDFN
It's like Spanish Fly. This'll probably be the first
time I don't get laid afterwards.
ALYSSA
I don't know. I'm starting to get a tingle in my
bottom.
(tosses a ball)
Ten.
HOlDFN
(grabs a ball)
So what'd you do last night?
(prepares to throw)

ALYSSA
Got fucked.
Holden whips the ball in surprise. It ricochets off the ceiling and through the
glass of an old pinball machine. Alyssa laughs. Holden looks around, nervously.

ALYSSA
Some more of that skill you were telling me about:
HOlDfl\l
Maybe this was a bad idea Maybe we should Just
leave before somebody gets bun.
ALYSSA
No way. I want a cheap prize.
(throws a ball)
So your friend's quite the homophobe.

HOLDEN
He just feels left out, J think.

ALYSSA
 I'm not talking about his infantile hang-up with me.

r I'm talking about when you two were playing that game.
Everytime he swore - when his players messed up, he
called them cocksuckers, he referred to the players as
queers, he called you a prick-teaser...

HOlDfN
I thought he was talking to you.

ALYSSA
I know you think it means nothing, and it may in fact
be unintentional, but Jt•s ugly all the same.

HOlDfN
He was just pissed he was losing.

ALYSSA
So he invokes the gay community pejoratively to
stress that?

HOIDfN
Don't get all p.c. on me.

ALYSSA
rm not. But what is that saying?

HOlDfN
It says he gets too easily frustrated.

ALYSSA
Jt•s passive/agressive gay-bashing.

How do you figure?

ALYSSA
How casually did it roll off his tongue? And that's how
he expresses bis anger? By calling people faggots?

HOID~
I think you're reading too much into it.
ALYSSA :
I think you're just so used to it that it rolls off your
back. I've heard the two of you play your little rank-
out game where one insists the other is gay.
(as the boys)
"You're a faggot. No, you're a faggot." lt's cute and
all to watch you go at it like grade-schoolers, but it's
also offensive - labeling and ducking the label of be-
ing gay as if it were the scarlet fucking lener.
HOIDrN
You're blowing this way out of proponion. We Jive in a
more tolerant age now. You refer to yourself as a dyke.
That chick in the club called you a cunt. Hooper calls
 himself a faggot all the time. Christ, you live in the city -
name me one young black male that doesn't refer to him-
self or his contemporaries as niggers.
ALYSSA
Within a minority, yes - that's acceptable. But it's
practiced as disempowerment/empowerment. I
call myself a dyke so it's not too devastating when
some throwback screams it at me when I'm leaving
a bar at night. Hooper calls himself a faggot to steal
some hate-monger's thunder. And while I can't
speak for them, I believe young black males have
been called niggers for so long, that it's negativity
became completely lost on them, and is now used
more as a greeting of solidarity than anything else.
But the difference between us saying it and you
saying it is miles wide. We say it to mask the pain -
you say it for lack of a better expression at any given
moment No Holden, we do not live in a more toler-
ant age. And if you think that's the case, then you've
been in the suburbs way too long to be resuscitated.
Holden kind of sulks. Alyssa notices.
ALYSSA
But you know what?
(picks up his face)
I have more faith in you than that
(rips her tickets off)
Come on - I want my cheap prize.
INT STUDIO - NIGHT
Holden enters. Banky's still playing Sega Holden sits next to him.
HOIDEN
(off screen}
. How bad do you suck?
BANKY
How was your pseudo-date?

Leave it alone.
BANKY
That chick bugs me.
HOLDFN
(rubs his head; in baby-talk)
Aww. Everyone bugs you.
BANKY
Get off.
(off game)
fucking faggot! Did you see that?! Your dyke•
 courting ass just got me scored on!

HOIDEN
(beat)
You know, you should watch that. If you're going
to get all bent out of shape while playing the game,
so much so that you need to curse the tv., try not
to gay-bash it, alright You're not that kind of guy.
{gets up)
And she's not a dyke. She's a lesbian.

Holden goes to his drawing table.and takes off his coat. Banky sits there, shocked.
He puts the controller down and crosses to the drawing table.

BANKY
What the fuck is going on here?

HOIDEN
(pulling out pencil)
I'm starting a new page.

BANKY
(smacking pencil away)
Not with this shit! With you. What the fuck is
going on with you and that girl?

HOIDEN
We're friends.

BANKY
She's programming you.

HOIDfN
I beg your pardon? Programming?

BANKY
Yeah. And apparently, you don't even realize it.
What does it matter if J refer to her as a dyke, or
if I call the Whales a bunch of faggots in the pri-
vacy of my own office, far from the sensitive ears
of the rest of the world?
HOIDEN .
It's passive/aggressive gay-bashing; and I know·
you're not really prejudiced at heart You should
just find some other way to express your anger,
is all I'm saying.
Holden Stans drawing. Banky stares at him. Then he grabs the pencil out of
Holden's hand and shoves him to the side. He starts drawing something.
HOLDB-l
What the fuck are you doing?

BANKY
'Sear with me here. I just want to put you through
 this linle exercise.
(drawing feverishly)
Okay, now see this? This is a four way road, okay?

Banky draws a four-way stop. He illustrates according to his voice-over.

BANKYV.O.
And dead in the center, is a crisp, new, hundred
dollar bill. Now at the end of each of the streets,
are four people, okay? You following? Up here,
we got a male-affectionate, easy-to-get-along-with,
no political agenda lesbian. Okay? Now down here,
we have a man-hating, angry-as-fuck, agenda-of-
rage, bitter dyke. To this side, we got Santa Claus,
right? And over to this side - the Easter Bunny.

Banky finishes drawing. Holden's shaking his head.

BANKY
Which one's going to get to the hundred dollar bill
first?

HOLDEN
What is this supposed to prove?

BANKY
I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an
S.A.T. question. Which one's going to get to the
hundred dollar bilJ first - the male-friendly lesbian,
the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the faster Bunny?

HOLDEN
(beat; then pissed)
The man-hating dyke.

BANKY
-Good. ~y?

HOLDEN
I don't know.
BANKY
(wildly crossing out the other three)
BECAUSE 1llrSE OTHER THREE ARE FJGMENTS OF
YOUR FUCKING IMAGIN~TION, YOU ASSHOLE!

Holden storms away. Banky follows.

HOlDEN
I don't need this. I'm going home.

BANKY
She's fucking with your mind, man! She knows you've
got this schoolboy crush and she's using it to sway
your way of thinking!
 HOlD8'1
And why the fuck would she need to do that? What
is she - Mata fucking Hari7! What does she gain?
.:..
BANKY
Maybe she thinks you'll get her comic picked up by
Contender. Or maybe she thinks you'll change the
content of our book to something more political and
message oriented. Or, gee - I don't know - maybe
because that's just what dykes like to do: fuck
around with straight guys' heads, just so she can
go back to her linle rug-muncher club and have a
good laugh with all her man-hating, harpy cronies
about how fucking stupid and easily duped men are!

HOLDEN
You're so out ofline right now...

BANKY
You don't even know this girl! Big deal, she's from
Middletown and she went to Nonh! All the girls at
Nonh were bitches and sluts anyway! And this one's
got them beat by a mile because she's a bitch/slut/dyke!

HOLDEN
Watch your fucking mouth, is all I'm going to tell you.•.

BANKY
Oh why? Do you get my back when she bashes me?
Because l know she does. And do you know why she
does? Because 1 won't play her fucking game! I'm
smaner than that, and just because she's a cute dyke,
doesn't mean she's harmless - cute dykes are worse
because they can bend easily duped fucks like your-
self to their whim!

HOJ.DfN
Sometimes your paranoia and suspicious bullshit is
amusing. Sometimes it's just fucking annoying as piss!

BANKY
What is it about this girl? You know you have no shot
at getting her into bed! Why do you bother wasting
time with her? Because you're Holden fucking McNeil -
most persistent traveller on the road that's not the path
of least resistance! Everything's gotta be a fucking chall-
enge for you, and this Jinle relationship with that bitch
is the most iJJogical example of your fucking condition.
Well I don't need a fucking magic eight ball to look into
your future; you want a forecast? Here - will Holden
ever fuck Alyssa.
(shakes and looks at imaginary ball)
What a shock- "Not fucking likely"! Your fucking rela-
tionship with her is affecting you, our work, and our
friendship, and the time's going to come when I throw
;-.
f down the gauntlet and say it's me or her! And then
\

... • • • I
 what're you going to say?!

HOIDB-J
(beat}
I think you should let this one go.
BANKY
No, what would you say? Would you trash twenty
fucking years of friendship because you've got some
idiotic idea that this chick would even let you smell
her dirty laundry, let alone fuck her?!
· HOlDEN
Let it go...
BANKY
What the fuck. .. WHAT THE FUCK MAKfSTHIS
BITCH ALL THAT IMPORTANTII?!

Holden looks at Banky for a long beat.

HOI.DrN
I'm in love with her, man.

Banky stares at him. Holden stares back. Banky looks into Holden's eyes.
Suddenly, he softens a bit. He drops his head.
BANKY
Fuck.
Banky walks away. Holden watches him go and exits.

INT DINER - NIGHT

Holden and Alyssa sit at a booth. Alyssa picks through her food. Holden looks at
the check and pulls money from his wallet.
HOlDEN .
J wish you were the one being persued by M-1V.

ALYSSA
Oh really?
HOI.DrN
Sure. Then you could sell out and maybe pick up the
check once in awhile.
ALYSSA
(drops her fork and wipes her hands)
We're leaving?
HOLDBIJ
Well it's not like this is a bed and breakfast.
 ALYSSA
Watch this magic.

She grabs her bag and slides out of the booth. Holden watches her, then follows.

Alyssa slides up to the cashier's desk, as does Holden, who offers a piazled shrug.
Alyssa offers the 'just wait' finger. The CASHIER turns to her.

ALYSSA
Are you an authorized deal-maker in this establish-
ment? Do you have the ·power to negotiate.

CASHIER
You wanna haggle over the price of your French Dip?

ALYSSA
1want to haggle over the price of fine art.

CASHIER
What do you mean?

ALYSSA
(pointing OC)
There. By the kitchen. That painting.

CASHIER
What about it7

ALYSSA
The price tag says seventy five.

CASHIER
So?

HOIDFN
(to Alyssa)
Tell me you're kidding?

ALYSSA
J want to haggle for IL

CASHIER
(toOC)
Manuell Bring me the Dyksiezski off the wall.
(to Alyssa)
All my years in the diner business, I've waited for
this day - the day when someone wanted to buy one
o( the pictures.

ALYSSA
(holds out hand)
Alyssa Jones. Pleased to meet you.

CASHIER
Well then you don't know rule one about haggling,
wh\ch you just broke: you never give your name.
 The name is power, and to give the opponent that
piece of you is to give away victory.

ALYSSA
I'm only trying to conduct a transaction. We're not
opponents.
CASHIER
(accepting painting from BUSBOY)
Oh, but we are - if you think I'm letting this beautiful
piece go for fifty.

ALYSSA
Ah-ha!
(to Holden)
Now we're haggling.

INT CAR- NIGHT

It's drizzling outside. Holden drives. Alyssa hugs her painting and pushes her
bare feet against the windshield, making footprints.
HOlDEN
I've always wondered what kind of people buy those
things. I can't believe you talked him down to twenty five!
ALYSSA
It was looking shakey when he told me the artist was a
. blind cripple with a hump-back, but I held my ground
There's no room for sympathy in the buyer's market.

HOlDEN
Where are you going to hang it7
ALYSSA
I'm not. You are.

HOlDEN
You want me to hang it for you? You better hope it
doesn't get out to the girl-nation that you needed a
man to help you hang a picture.
ALYSSA
You're going to hang it in your house. I bought it
foryou.
HOlDEN
(laughs)
Yea~. right.
ALYSSA
(looks at him)
I'm serious.
~- Holden stares at her.
 HOLDEN
Why?

ALYSSA
Because it's captured the momenL Whenever you look at
it, it'll be a constant reminder - not just of tonight, but of ·
our introduction, the building of our friendship, everything.
Make no mistake about it, my friend - it's a gift to you,
from me, so you'll always remember us.
Holden stares ahead. Then he swerves the wheel to the right.
EXT ROADSIDE- NIGHT
The car pulls to the side of the road. The rain is a bit heavier now.

INT CAR • NIGHT

Holden throws the car into park.
ALYSSA
Why are we stopping?
HOLDfN
Because I can't take it.
ALYSSA
Can't take what?

HOLDEN
1 Jove you.
ALYSSA
(beat)
You love me.
HOWEN
I love you. And not in a friendly way, although 1
think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced
affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's
what you'll call it. And it's not because you're un-. ·
attainable. I Jove you. Very simple, very truly.
You're the epitome of every attribute and quality:
I've ever looked for in another person. I know you
think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line
ls the furthest thing from an option you'd ever con-
sider. But I can't do this any longer. l can't stand
beside you and not embrace you. I can't look into
your eyes and not feel that longing you only read
about in classic literature. I can't talk to you with-
out wanting to express my Jove for you and every-
thing you are. 1 know this will probably queer our
friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it,
because I've never felt this before, and I like who
l am because of it. And if bringing it to light means
we can't hang out anymore, then that huns me, but
 I couldn't allow another day to go by without getting
it out there. regardless of the outcome. which by the
look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down.
And I'll accept that, but I know some part of you is
hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of
hesitation, that means you feel something too. All 1
ask is that you not suppress that - at least for ten
minutes - and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it.
There isn't another soul on this fucking planet who's
ever made me the person I am when J'm with you,
and I would risk this friel)dship for the chance to take
it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you
and I. You can't deny that. And even if we never
speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever
changed because of who you are and what you've
meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd
never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to
remind me of.
Holden stares at Alyssa. She srares back. Then she gets out of the car.
HOIDEN
Was it something 1 said?
EXT ROADSIDE- NIGHT

Holden gets out of the car. It's raining pretty hard now. Alyssa's hitching up the
road. Holden reaches her.
HOIDEN
What are you doing?
ALYSSA
Get back in the car and get out of here.
HOlDEN
You're going to hitch to New York?
ALYSSA
Yep.
HOLDEN
Aren't you at least going to comment?
ALYSSA
Here's my comment: fuck you.
HOLDEN
Why?
ALYSSA
That was so unfair. You know how unfair that was.
HOLDEN
It's unfair that I'm in love with you?
 ALYSSA
No, it's unfortunate that you're in love with me. It's
unfair that you felt the fucking need to unburden
your soul about it. Do you remember for a fucking
second who I am?
HOlDEN
So? People change.
ALYSSA
Oh, it's that simple? You fall in love with me and want a
romantic relationship, nothing changes for you with the
exception of feeling hunky-dorey all the time. But what
about me? It's not that simple, is it? I can't just get into
a relationship with you without throwing my whole fuck-
ing world into upheaval!
HOlDEN
But that's every relationship! There's always going
to be a period of adjustment.
ALYSSA
Period of adjustment?!?
(hitting him)
THERE'S NO 'PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT' HOLDEN! I'M
FUCKING GAY! THAT'S WHO l AM! AND YOU ASSUME
I CAN TURN ALL THAT AROUND JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE
GOT A CRUSH?!?

HOlDEN
If this is a crush... then I don't know if I could take
the real thing if it ever happens.

She looks at him, rain drenching the pair. She shakes her head ruefully.

ALYSSA
Go home, Holden.
She walks away. Holden stands there, at a loss. Then he turns and heads back
to his car. As he reaches the door and turns to look back at her, Alyssa pounces
on him, grabs his face and locks lips with him, big time. He dr,ops his keys and
embraces her.
And there they stand, by the side of the road, drenched. Kissing.

EXT STUDIO - DAY

Banky carries a bag in one arm and pulls out his keys with the other. He jams
them ·into the Jock, ~pening the door. He picks up the mail on the floor.
INT STUDIO - DAY

He closes the door behind him and shuffles to the kitchenette, passing by the
blanket-covered, slumbering fonns of Holden and Alyssa, who are out cold in
~ each other's arms. The place looks a mess - like a couple of people were engaged
\ in some tremendous fucking. Banky is oblivious. He sets the bag down on the
counter and pulls out a chocolate milk. He opens it, sticks a straw into the top,
and begins sipping and sifting through the mail. He comes to mail that's Holden's
and tosses it onto the couch, near Holden's head He looks down at the sleeping
couple, then back at the mail for a couple of beats. Then he freezes. He looks_
down again, and drops his jaw and his canon of choco. It hits the floor with a-
pop. Holden and Alyssa shoot straight up, eyes sa-uggling to focus. They look
at one another, then at the flabbergasted Banky. Banky blinks. Then he shuffles
toward the door again and lets himself out
ALYSSA
(off Holden's reaction)
I take it that's not good.
HOlDEN
(getting up)
Stay here.
(he kisses her and exits)

EXT STREcl' - DAY

Banky sits on a curb, staring into the distance. Holden saunters up and sits beside
him. He follows Banky's gaze.
BANKY
Catholic school girls.

Across the street, the Catholic High School is letting out. Teenage girls clad in
uniforms and tight sweaters smoke, frolic, wait for their bus.

BANKY
The uniform is what does it for me. J wish I'd have
went with more Catholic school girls when I was a
kid. As it stands, I have no ".••and then she unzipped
her jumper..." stories.
HOlD&l
You looked weirded out back there.
BANKY
That's my couch you were fucking on.

HOlDEN
Sorry.
BANKY
Jwanted to watch some t. v. Hard to do when your
best friend's wrapped around a naked rug-muncher
on your couch.
HOIDEN
She had boxers on.
Banky shoots him a glare. He goes back to staring at the OC girls.
BANKY
This is all going to end badly.
 HOIDEN
You don't know that.
BANKY
I know you. You're way too conservative for that
girl. She's been around and seen things we've only
read about in books.
HOIDEN
But we have read abo1:1t them. So we're prepared.
· BANKY
There's no 'we' here. You're going to have to go through
this alone. And it's one thing to read about shit, and
something different when you're forced to deal with it
on a regular basis. When you guys are walking in the
mall and both your heads turn at a really nice looking
chick, it's going to eat you up inside. You'll spend most
of your time wondering when the other shoe's going to
drop. Because for you. this isn't about cool, weird sex
stuff. It's about love.
HOIDEN
Maybe it is for her as well.
BANKY
Somehow I doubt it.
HOIDEN
Everyone's not out to get someone in life, Bank.
BANKY
Everybody has an.agenda. Everyone.
HOIDEN
Yourself?

BANKY
My agenda is to watch your back.
HOIDEN
To what end?
BANKY
To insure that all this time we've spent together,
building something, wasn't wasted.

HOIDEN
She's not going to ruin the comic.
BANKY
I wasn't talking about the comic.
(gets up)
1'm going to get a bagel. Clean off my fucking couch
so\ can watch t.v.
{~ Banky exits. Holden shakes his head.

INT HOLDEN'S BEDROOM- NIGHT

Holden and Alyssa lie in each other's arms, moonlight bathing them. She smokes.

HOLDEN
Why me? You know? Why now?
ALYSSA
Because you were giving me that look, and I got wet...
HOLDEN
You know what I'm talking about.

ALYSSA
Why not you?
HOLDEN
I'm a guy. You're attracted to girls.
ALYSSA
I see you've been taking notes. Historically, yes -
that's true.
HOLDEN
Then why this?
ALYSSA
I've given that alot of thought, you know? I mean,
now that I'm being ostracized by my friends, I've
had alot of time to think about all of this. And what
I've come up with is really simple: I came to this on
my terms. I didn't just heed what I was taught, you
know7 Men and women should be together, it's the
natural way - that kind of thing. I'm not with you
because of what family, society, life tried to instlll in
me from day one. The way the world is - how seldom
you meet that one person who gets you... it's so rare.
t.' , parents didn't really have it. There was no ex-
ample set for me in the world of male/female reiation-
ships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person -
the ideal - to immediately half your options by elimi-
nating the possibility of finding that one person within
your own gender... that just seemed stupid. So I didn't.
And by leaving my options open, I was brandecJ 'gay',
which to me was no big deal - labels are labels, you
know? They define what you do, not who you are, I
guess. But then you come along. You - the one least
likely; I mean, you were a guy. ·

HOLDEN
Still am.
 ALYSSA
And while I was faJling for you, I put a ceiling on
that, because you were a guy. Until I remembered
why I opened the door to women in the first place -
to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person
who'd compliment me so completely. And so here
we are. I was thorough when I looked for you, and
I feel justified lying in your arms - because I got
here on my terms, and have no question that there
was someplace I didn't look. And that makes all the
difference.
HOlDcN
(beat)
Shit.

ALYSSA
What?
HOlDcN
Well, you took the luster out of it.
ALYSSA
What luster?
HOlDcN
Ooking - in case you didn't get it)
Of how I brought you back from the other side. How
all you needed was the right man to fuck you, and that
was me.
ALYSSA
You're not the right man.
(kisses him)
You're just the one.
She snuggles into him and closes her eyes. Holden stares at the ceiling.
HOIDcN
Can I at least tell people that all you needed was
some serious deep-dicking?
She hits him with her pillow.

THE BIG OL' FAWNG-IN-LOVE MONTAGE BEGINS

l) In Holden's Apartment -Alyssa waves in various directions, shaking her head

accordingly. Then she puts up her hands to stop. Cut to Holden, hanging the
picture Alyssa gave him. Jt hangs at a severely crooked angle. He looks back
to her and shakes his head 'no'.

2) Holden and Alyssa try to play a video game. Banky plays as well. Holden in-
structs her in the ways of NHL '96 (turning her paddle right-side-up, pointing
 7o

at things on the screen). She presses the reset button, over and over. Banky
gives Holden a 'What the fuck?' Jook. Alyssa sticks her tongue at him.

3) At the Video Store - Holden picks up a Disney cartoon off the shelf. He
goes to show it to Alyssa, who's reading the back of 'Anything But Dick',
an all-chick porno. An old WOMAN stares at her. Holden nods to the old
Woman and takes the tape out of Alyssa's hands, putting it back on the
shelf. He ushers her away. The old Woman waits until they're gone and
then picks up the tape herself.

4) Holden carries Alyssa on his shoulders through the park, her crotch
against the back of his neck. He's talking. She taps him and he stops
and looks up. She begins to manuever around so her crotch is in his face.
He pulls her off and puts her down. She's laughing. He's flushed with em-
barrassment. The same Old Woman from the Video store passes by with
her husband. Holden shrugs.

S) In Holden's Apartment again - Alyssa again with the waving, then putting up
her hands to stop. Cut to Holden again, this time with the painting hung com-
pletely upside down. He looks at it, then offers her a bewildered gaze.

6) In the Office - Banky comes to his drawing table. There are penciled pages
on it with a note that says "Hanging out with Alyssa today. Holden". Banky
crumples it up and throws it across the rooom.

7} In Holden's bathroom - Holden shaves. Alyssa shuffles in, wearing a tank-

top, all sleepy-eyed. She kisses his shoulder and then stretches - her arms
above her head - revealing some hairy fucking arm pits. Holden freezes.
Alyssa yawns. He slowly offers her his razor.

8) In Holden's Apartment - Alyssa waves this way, then that way, then puts up
her hands frantically to stop. She settles back against the wall, a satisfied
smile crawling accross her face, and closes her eyes. We pull back to reveal
Holden on his knees in front of her, eating her out (no, we don't see anything!).

INT OFFICE - DAY

_Holden draws. A book is thrown in front of him. He looks up.

Banky stands there.

BANKY
Check out page forty eight.
Holden looks down at the book. It's the Nineteen Eighty Eight yearbook from
Middletown North. He shakes his head at Banky and flips it open.

On the page is Alyssa's Senior year photo. Under her name is another name in
quotes that says 'Pitch and Putt'.
HOLDEN
(looking up)
So?
 BANKY
Did you see the nickname?
HOLDEN
'Pitch and Putt'.
BANKY
And ..?

HOLDEN
And.•. she had a weird nick-name. What's your point?
BANKY
Do you know why it's 'Pitch and Putt'?

HOlDEN
I suppose you do.
BANKY
I do.
(takes a seat)
It's a reference to something completely salacious. You
remember Cohee Lundin? Left Hudson and went to
Nonh our senior year?
HOLDEN
Yeah.

BANKY
Well, I ran into him at Food City the other day, and we
got to talking, and I mentioned that you were dating
AJyssa, and he said. ..

Clfl' TO COHEE LUNDIN, in the PARKING LDT of FOOD CITY, addressing the camera.
CDHrE
Alyssa Jones? Shit, l know Alyssa Jones. I mean, I
know Alyssa Jones, you know what I'm saying? Me,
Shannen Hamilton and Rick Derris used to hang out
with her for awhile, right? Fucking just hanging
around her house after school, 'cuz her parents were
like never home, and shit. And one day, Rick just.·
whips it out. and stans rubbing it on her leg and :
shit; chasing her around the living room - we were
all dying. But you know what the crazy bitch did?
She fucking drops to her knees, and just stans suck-
ing him off right in front of us! Uke we weren't even
there, man! We almost died! But that's not. the fucked
up pan - the fucked up pan was Rick, man - right in
the middle of it, he turns to me and Hamilton and says
"Two more holes." Just like that- "Two more holes."
So Hamilton pulls her pants down and she's all wet and
shit, and he just stans fucking her, man! And she don't
even care! So I'm like "Fuck this - I ain't missing out on
this shit!" And I spit in my hand, get my dick all wet,·
and just pop it in her ass, yo! All three of us are fucking
 7z
this crazy bitch, and she's just loving it, all moaning and
shit! The bitch had every hole going! It was fucked up!
So Rick started calling her 'Pitch and Putt' - cuz that day,
she had more holes going than a fucking golf course!

BACK IN THE OFFICE- Holden stares at Banky.

HOIDEN
He's full of shit.
BANKY
Cohee's alot of things, but an exagerator he's not. The
dude's Catholic
HOlDrN
What is your fucking problem, anyway? Even if it's
true, what do you give a shit if she was a little free in
high school?
BANKY
'A little free'? A handjob in the backseat of a car is 'a
little free'; a chick on her hands and knees getting
filled out like an application ain't 'a little free'!
HOlDrN
Fucking semantics! I'm dating her, not you!

BANKY
I'm getting your back, you asshole! People don't for-
get shit like 'Pitch and Putt', and if it got out that she's
fucking queer as well, how the fuck do you think it's
going to make you look?

HOLDEN
I give a shit what people think.
BANKY
Alright, forget about that; what if she's carrying a dis-
ease? And not because she's gay - don't jump all over
my dick about that. But that shit was just one story,
alright? What if there's more?
HOIDEN
(grabs his coat)
You're such a fucking asshole.
BANKY
What? Oh, it's not possible that she's all crudded ~p?
Cohee I can vouch for as clean - the dude never got laid
in high school. But Hamilton and Dems are arch fucking
bush-men! Name me one chick in our senior class that
Rick Derris didn'r nail, for Christ's sake! ·
HOlDEN
Would you let this go?!
 73
BANKY
I'm telling you, the bitch is a fucking germ fann! That
monkey in 'Outbreak' probably shakes his head at her!
.:...
Holden grabs Banky and throws him against the waU.

HOIDEN
Give it a rest! Do you hear me?! In the future, if you
even so much as mention that Alyssa looks a little
peaked, J'II put your fucking teeth down your'throat.

He releases Banky. Banky brushes himself off.

BANKY
Maybe I'll put your fucking teeth down your throat.

HOIDEN
(walking out)
Not bloody likely.

Banky runs to the open door.

BANKY
(calling after him)
rve been working out, you know!
(no response)
You better be ready to make that M-1V deal!

The downstairs door slams. Banky makes a muscle, then feels it.

INT TOWER RECORDS- DAY

Holden and Hooper peruse laser discs.

HOOPcR
Where's that bitch partner of your's been?

HOLDFN
Sulking. He's having a real problem with this
Alyssa thing.
HOOPER
I think it's more like Banky's having a problem with
all things not hetero right about now. And I'm just
another paradigm of said aberation.

HOIDEN
Banky does not hate gays, you know that.
HOOPER
But I do think he is a bit homophobic. And this latest
episode between you and Ms. Thing has tapped into
that. In his warped perception, he lost you to the
dark side - which is she.
 HOlDE'N
You make it sound like me and him were dating.

HOOPER
Don't kid yourself- that boy loves you in a way that
he's not ready to deal with.

HOLD8'1
(beat)
He's been digging up dirt on Alyssa

HOOPER
And just what has Mister Angela La.nsbury un-
covered about your lady fair?

HOLD8'1
Alyssa's oh-so hetero past.

HOOPER
Really? Well then he's barking up the wrong tree if
he wants to split you up, isn't he? He's not going
to make you see the e1TOr of your ways by pointing
out how truly gay she's not.
(holds up a disc)
This one?

HOLDEN
Have it.
(beat)
Actually, it's kind of gotten to me.

HOOPER
How so?

HOLD8'1
·It is a pretty wretched past.

HOOPER
Do tell.

HOLD8'1
Sex with multiple partners.

Hooper lets out a faux-shock shriek.

HOLDEN
At the same time.
Again, even louder, hands slapped against his cheeks.

HOLD8'1
Thanks for being so comforting.

HOOPER
So what do you care?
 HOlDEN
Welt that's the thing, isn't it? I shouldn't... but it
gets to me.
HOOPER
You know that shit you hear about dykes being all
monogamous?
(Holden nods)
Don't believe it. They move from affair to affair like
society's elite. And it's not like they're all conserva-
tive either. I've heard tell of foursomes, fivesomes,
daisy-chains. Kind of gal Alyssa is, you don't think
she's been in the middle of an all-girl group-grope?

HOlDEN
That doesn't bother me. But the thought of her and
a bunch of guys ... all holes going... Uh!

HOOPER
Oh Holden, I beg you - please don't drop fifty stories
in my opinion of you by falling prey to that latest of
trendy beasts.
HOlDEN
Which is?

HOOPER
Lesbian chic. It's oh-so acceptable to be a gay girl
nowadays. People think it's cute, because they've
got this fool picture in their heads about lipstick
lesbians - like they all resemble Alyssa • while
most of them look more like you.

HOlDEN
Do I detect a little inter-subculture cattiness?

HOOPER
Gay or straight• ugly's still ugly. And most of those
boys are scarey.
HOIDEN
I thought you fags were all supposed to be super-i
supportive of one another.

HOOPER
Screw that 'all for one' shit. I gotta deal with being the
minority in the minority of the minority, and nobody's
supporting my ass? While the whole of society is fawn-
ing over girls-on-girls, here I sit • a reviled gay man.
And to top that off, I'm a gay black man • notoriously
the most swishy of the bunch.
HOlDEN
Three strikes.
 HOOPER
Hey, hey! There's a line.
A young BlACK KID approaches Hooper, holding a comic book.
KID
Are you Hooper X?

HOOPER
(in militant mode)
A-salaam Alaikum, little brother.
KID
Could you sign my comic?
HOOPER
(signing comic; nods to Holden)
See that guy there? He's the devil, you understand?
Never take your eye off the Man. Our people took
their eyes off him one time, and he had us in chains
in two shakes of his snake's tail.

The Kid offers Holden an angry look. Hooper gives him back his comic.
HOOPER
Fight the power, little 'G'.
KID
Word is bond.

The Kid leaves. Hooper slips back into his real voice.
HOOPER
Look at what I have to resort to for professional re-
spect. What is it about gay men that terrifies the
rest of the world?
(shakes his head)
As for this Alyssa's past hang-up, perhaps you should
stop dwelling on it and just enjoy the relationship. Or
what is it you straight boys call it - your 'conquest'?

It's not like that.

HOOPER
Maybe it is. Maybe you've thought about everything
up to winning her hand, but not what to do with it
once it was won.
(spotting something OC)
Oooh! 'Myra Breckinridge'!
Hooper trots off. Holden glances at the disc in his hands.
Pictured on it are two gorgeous chicks, barely clad, making out. The title is
'Men Suck. .. and so do Girls - All XXX Action.'
 77
INT HOCKEY RINK-NIGHT

On the ice, two teams clash, chasing the puck up and back, checking galore.

In the bleachers, amidst a slew of fans, Alyssa watches the game with a large degree
of enjoyment. Sitting beside her, Holden doesn't seem to share her enthusiasm.

ALYSSA
Since most of these people are rooting for the home
team, I'm going to cheer for the visitors. I've always
loved visitors - especially the ones that make coffee
for you in the morning before they go.
(smiles at Holden; no response)
That was a joke. A little wacky wordplay?

HOlD8'1
What do you mean, 'visitors'?

ALYSSA
Was I being too obscure? The kind that - until recent-
ly - had no dicks and would spend the night.

HOlDrN
So that was until recently?

ALYSSA
Uh, yeah.
(shouting; to ice)
Foul! Foul! He was traveling or something!

HOlD8'1
So nobody but me has stayed the night at your place
since we got together?

ALYSSA
(beat)
. Something on your mind, Holden?

HOIDcN
No, I was just wondering.

ALYSSA
If I've been 'faithful' or something?

HOlD8'1
I.Dok, I was just asking.

ALYSSA
(touches his face)
Oh, sweetie. I only have eyes for you.
(to ice)
CALL THAT FUCKING SHIT, REF!! THE GUY ON THE
SKATES TOTALLY SHOVED ONE OF MY GUYS!!
(to Holden)
I told you I was great at sponing events. Your girl-
friend could be such a hardcore fan if she took a serious

J .. • • • t
 interest You hear me harassing the ref? Imagine what
a bitch I could be if I knew what was going on?

ON THE ICE-Things heat up between two opposing PlAYERS. One snatches the puck
away from the other and skates off. The other Player gives chase.

Alyssa's very into the game. Holden shakes his head.

HOlDEN
That'd make Banky half right

ALYSSA
About what?

HOlDEN
He said all the girls from Nonh were bitches and sluts.

ALYSSA
Really. I'm sorry -you two left high school behind
how many years ago?
(grabs his face and ldsses his cheek)
Can I put some of my books in your locker?
(goes back to watching game)

HOlDEN
( under his breath)
How about your yearbook.

( ON THE ICE - The Player giving chase slashes the Player with the puck.

Alyssa jumps to her feet.

ALYSSA
(to ice)
IF YOU DON'T START USING THAT WHISTLE I'M GONNA
JAM IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS1!
(to guy next to her)
Right?

HOlDEN
What's with 'Pitch-and-Putt'?

ALYSSA
(sitting back down)
'Pitch-and-Putt'?

HOlDEN
Yeah. In your senior yearbook, your nickname was
'Pitch-and-Putt'. What is that?

ALYSSA
It was? Shit, damned if I can remember. I'd look it
up, but I threw all that shit out years ago.
(beat)
Where'd you see a North yearbook?
 HOLDEN
Do you know Rick Derris?

ON THE ICE - The Players skid into the comer where Player One checks Player Two
into the boards, hard. Player Two scrambles to his feet and throws d~wn his gloves.
The crowd around Alyssa and Holden go wild

ALYSSA
Rick? Sure. We used to hang out in highschool.
(to ice)
PUNCH HIM IN THE FUCKING NECK, NUMBER 1WELVE!!

HOIDEN
Did you go out with him or something?

ALYSSA
(eyes on the ice)
Date Rick Derris? No. We just hung out alot.

Just.. you and him?

ALYSSA
No, there were a few of us. Me, Rick... um... what
was that guy's name. ..

HOIDEN
Cohee?

ALYSSA
Yeah! Cohee Lundin. God, I haven't thought about that
name in years. Those two, and Shannen Hamilton.

ON Tif E ICE - The Players square off. Player Two pulls Player One's helmet
off and punches him in the face.

Holden looks as if he'd like to do the same to his companion. She's riveted to the ice.

ALYSSA
I remember those guys used to come over almost every
day after school. They'd bug my sisters or look through
my father's closet, aying to find some porno tapes or
something. And our fridge. Jesus, those guys really took
advantage of my parents never being home.

ON THE ICE - Player Two yanks at Player One's jersey and gut punches him.
Alyssa seems oblivious to Holden's anger, so enthralled with the action is she.
ALYSSA
(starts laughing)
l remember this one day ... Rick pulled out his dick and
chased me around the house with it! Right in front of
Shannen and Cohee! I couldn't believe it! Guys are weird -
I thought the whole size hang-up made you all terrified to
 80
show your dicks to each other?

ON THE ICE - Player One staggers a bit, then quickly rights his jersey and lunges at
Player Two, landing a barage of his own punches. Blood sprays across the ice.

Holden's face is reeeeeaaaally sour looking. Alyssa's still in the game.·

HOIDBII
He pulled his dick out? Really? What'd you do?

ALYSSA
(looks him dead in the eye)
I blew him while his two friends fucked me.
ON TIIE ICE - Player One delivers the kill shot, slamming his fist into Player
Two's nose. The blood shoots out like a geyser, and Two goes down hard

Holden stares at Alyssa, flabbergasted. The crowd around them stares not at the
fight on the ice, but the fight in their midst, shocked. Alyssa fumes.
HOLDEN
Excuse me?!?!

ALYSSA
That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Isn't that what
this little cross-ecamination of your's is about? Well try
not to be so obvious about it next time; there are subtler
means of badgering a witness!
(to bystander)
Am I right?

BYSTANDER
(to Holden)
Jeez, even I knew what you was getting at.
HOLDEN
(to Alyssa)
You didn't. .. really•••?

ALYSSA
Yes, Holden - I did! I took on three guys! In fact, ~ery-
thing you've heard or dug up on me from around the tri-
town area's probably way-tame compared to the stuff 1
did when I moved away.
(grabbing her stuff)
But If you wanted some background information on me,
all you had to do was ask - I'd have gladly volunteered
it You didn't have to play Hercules fucking Poirot

She gets up and storms away. Holden chases after her. The Bystander ~atches.

BYSTANDER
(to companion)
1 knew these seats were gonna be good.

f INT RINK LOBBY - NIGHT

Alyssa marches quicly, pulling on her coat. Holden catches up to her. We track
with them through the crowd and out into the parking lot.

HOLDEN
How could you do such a thing?!

ALYSSA
Happily! And I'm not making apologies for it now - not
to you or anyone! You fucking people make me laugh!
Rick Derris was the biggest slut I ever met, and nobody
ever gave him shit about ltl Well I caught on to the dou-
ble standard, way-early in life, found it unfair, and saw
no reason why I should conduct myself in a manner that
betrayed my curiosities and desires just so that I wouldn't
be called a slut or something equally juvenile! Because I
knew I wasn't stlckJng around the tri-town area my whole
life, and wherever I wound up, people wouldn't point at
me and say crap like "Holy shit - it's Pitch-and-Putt! She's
the one that got stuffed like a turkey!"

HOIDEN
But all those guys .•.

ALYSSA
What about them?

HOIDEN
How am I supposed to feel about that?
ALYSSA
How are you supposed to feel about it? Feet whatever
the fuck you want about it. The only thing that
matters is how you feel now.

HOLDEN
l don't know how I feel now.

ALYSSA
Why? Because I had some sex with a few different guys?

HOIDEN
Some sex?

ALYSSA
Yes, Holden - that's all it was: some sex. Just like
you've had some sex - alot of sex, probably - from
high school, on. And am I right in assuming that you
hit the double digits?
HOLDEN
Yeah, but. ..

ALYSSA
Fine, so have t So what's the big deal?
 HOLDEN
There's a world offucking difference between typical
high school sex and three guys at once! They fucking
used you!

ALYSSA
I used them! You don't think I would've let it happen
if I hadn't wanted it to, do you?! I wanted to experi-
ment, I wanted to taste it all, which was an instinct that
accompanied me all through life - through dozens of
guys and girls - until we - that's you and I - had sex
that night. Can't you take some fucking comfort in that?
We fucked, and I decided - then and there - that I was
done experimenting; that I'd found it - that thing that
wasn't in Rick Derris' pants, or in Kim's crotch, or any-
where else on the fucking planet! I found you. you ass-
hole! And my advice to you is to let this shit go; it was
all a long time ago! Maybe you knew your track was
from point 'a' to 'b', but l didn't know how to get to 'b'
from 'a', because I wasn't given a fucking map at birth
and shown the way! I found it myself. And how dare
you try to lay a guilt trip on me about it - in a fucking
public place, no less! Who the fuck do you think you
are, you morality-slinging prick? You mean to tell me
that - while you have zero problem with me sleeping
with half the women in New York City - you have some
sort of half-assed, mealy-mouthed objection to pubescent
antics, that took place almost ten years ago? What the
fuck is your problem?!?

Holden's eyes are downcast. Alyssa waits for a response.

HOIDEN
I want us to be something that we can't.

ALYSSA
And what's that?
HOIDEN
(beat)
A normal couple.

Holden skulks off. Alyssa stares after him, and then starts kicking and punching a
car beside her, finally slumping to the ground. She cries. ·

INT STUDIO - DUSK

Holden sits on the couch, alone in the dark. The door opens and Banky enters.
He stands there, sizing up Holden's mood.
BANKY
The girl?
Holden nods. Banky nods back. He stands there for a beat. Then he sits beside
Holden. He opens his arms. Holden shifts into his friend's embrace and begins
crying on his shoulder. Banky pats his back. Pull back on a man in pain and
the comfort or a friend.
INT DINER - NIGHT
Holden sits alone at a booth. He stirs his iced tea.
OCVOICE
Yo, look at this morose mother fucker here. ..
Holden looks up. JAY and SILENT BOB stand above him.

JAY
Smells like somebody shit in his cereal.
Holden offers a half-smile. The pair slide into the booth.
HOlDl:N
What took you so Jong?

JAY
We were at the mall. You bring the salad?
Holden pulls an envelope out of his jacket and tosses it to Jay. Jay opens it and
pulls out a thick wad of bills.

JAY
Man, this likeness rights shit is more profitable
than selling smoke.
HOIDl:N
How'd a din merchant like you ever learn about
likeness rights?

JAY
(hands envelope to Silent Bob)
We deal to alot of lawyers. Those mother fuckers
. get high constantly. Speaking of which...
(pulls out a dime bag)
Uttle signing bonus and shit?
HOlDJ:N
I'll pass. Did you see the latest issue?

JAY
Yeah. When you gonna get some pussy in that
book, man? Throw some super-villain in with big
fucking tits that shoot milk or something, and I ·
just drink her dry, bust some moves on her...
(demonstrates)
...and then she has to fuck me.
(Silent Bob hits him)
Fuck us.
HOlDcN
 I'll see what I can do.

A WAITRESS joins them.

WAITRESS
What can I get you.

HOlDEN
Nothing, thanks.

JAY
Yo Flo. - tell Mel to whip me up a toasted bagel and
cream cheese.
{to Silent Bob}
You want one too?
(Silent Bob nods}
Make that two. And kiss my grits. Noonch.
{the Waitress leaves; to Holden)
D'jever watch 'Alice'? That show's good as hell.
{starts rolling}
So why the long face, Horse? Banky on the rag?

HOlDEN
When is he not? No - I'm just having some girl
trouble.

JAY
Bitch pressing charges? I get that alot.

HOlDEN
No. I'm just at a point where I don't know what to do.

JAY
Kick her to the curb. Girls get to be too much trouble,
there's always the 'band of the hand'.

HOLDEN
·Can't do it, g. I'm in love.

JAY
Ah. there ain't no such thing. You gotta boil it all -
down to the essentials. It's like Cube says - life .'
ain't nothing but bitches and money.

HOlDEN
Oh I forgot - you two are from the 'hood.

JAY
Who is this girl?

HOlDEN
I don't think you know her.

JAY
Come on man - I'm people who know people.
 HOlDEN
You sound like Barbra Streisand.

JAY
That's 'cause I got this tubby bitch playing her greatest
hits tape in my ear all the time. You should see him:
she Stans singing 'You Don't Bring Me Rowers•, this
faggot stans crying like a little girl with a skinned
knee and shit It's embarrasing. I got the only
muscle in the world with a weakness for ballads.
(to Silent Bob)
You big fucking softie.
(to Holden)
So what's this skin's name?

HOlDEN
I'm telling you, you don't know her.

JAY
I ain't playing. Tell me her name, Mysterio.
HOlDEN
Alyssa Jones.

JAY
Pitch-and-Putt?

Holden rubs his eyes.

JAY
You're dating Pitch-and-Putt? I thought she was
all gay and shit?

HOlDEN
She is. Or was. I don't know.

The Waitress returns with the order.

JAY
And you go out with her7 Shit, man - you're a lucky
dog. She bring other chicks to bed with you, get a
little of that filet o'fish sammich going on? -·
The Waitress stares wide-eyed and offended at Jay.

JAY
(off Waitress' look)
What? Do something!
(Waitress leaves: to Holden)
So - four tits, or what?

HOLDEN
It's not like that.

JAY
Well what's it like then?
 HOLDEN
Right now?
(beat)
I don't know. I love her. But she has a past.

JAY
I'll say. Stuffin' three guys, eating chicks out. Yo -
I heard one time, she had this dog...
HOLDEN
Eat your fucking bagel already!

JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Look at this touchy mother fucker right here.
(to Holden)
So, if you're all in love with her, what's the problem?

HOLDEN
The problem is shit like that. AU that experience...
What_ am I supposed to think?

JAY
You think good; because now she'll be all tnie blue
and shit. The girl's tasted life, yo. Now she's settlin'
for your boring, funny-book-maldn' ass.

HOLDEN
Settling. That's comfoning, Jay. Thanks.

JAY
That's what I'm here for.
HOLDEN
I'm just having a problem with all of it. 1 can't get
it out of my head, these visuals of her doing all this
shit. And I don't know why I can't Jet it go. Because
I'm crazy about her, you know? I look at this girl,
I see the future. I see kids. J see grand-kids.

JAY
You're scaring me.
HOlDe.l
J'm scaring myself. Because I think so much of her,
and then J can't get away from shit like 'Pitch-and-
Putt'.
(shakes his head)
I don't know what I'm doing.
Holden looks out the window. Jay continues to roll his joint. There's silence. Then ...
BOB
'You'Te chasing Amy.
Holden's head snaps forward. He stares, wide-eyed at Silent Bob.

HOLDcN
What...what did you say?
BOB
You're chasing Amy.
Holden stares, shocked. He looks to Jay, who's still rolling his joint.

JAY
What do you look so shocked for? He does this all
the time. Fat bastard thinks just because he never
says anything, that it'll have some huge impact
when he does open his fucking mouth.
BOB
Why don't you shut up? Jesus! Always yap, yap,
yapping all the time. Give me a fucking headache.
(to Holden)
I went through something like what you're going
through. Years ago. Same kind of thing with a
girl named Amy.

JAY
When?

BOB
A couple of years ago.

JAY
What'd she 'live in Canada' or something? Why
don't I remember this?
BOB
What you don't know about me l can just about squeeze
into the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always
wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?
Jay and Holden look at him. Silent Bob busts a move with his hands.
BOB
Hunhh7 Bet you didn't know that?

JAY
Just tell your fucking story so we can get out of
here and smoke this.
BOB
(to Holden}
So I was dating Amy, and one day I find out she
used to date this guy, right? lived with him and
shit for awhile. And this guy - who she loved -
he used to bring other people to bed with them
a\\ the time, which blew my mind. I'm not used
to that sort of thing, right? 1was raised Catholic.
 JAY
Saint Shithead.
Silent Bob backhands him. Jay raises his fist as if to strike.

BOB
Do something.
(to Holden)
So I'm weirded out about the whole thing, and the
only way l can deal with it is to condemn it, right?
Just blast her, and him, and the whole lifestyle - I
mean, l'm out for blood. I want to hun her - be-
cause 1 don't know how to deal with what I'm feel-
ing. I tell her that it's all demoralizing, and she tells
me it's not - that it was that time, in that place, and
that was right - then. And I tell her to renounce it.
I tell her to condemn it, to apologize for it. And she
won't. So I tell her it's over, and I walk.

JAY
Fucking a

BOB
No, idiot It was a mistake. I bun her, I walked away
from her, because I didn't know how to deal with it. And
what 1 figured out was that 1 wasn't disappointed in
her, but more in myself. At that moment, 1 felt small-
like I'd lacked experience. Uke I'd never be on her
level or something. And what I didn't get was that
she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy any-
more. She was looking for me. And regardless of
how circuitous a route it was for her or how direct
a route it was for me, we were both at the same
point at that time, so it really didn't matter. But by
the time 1realized this, it was too late. She'd moved
on, and all 1 had to show for it was some foolish
pride, which then gave way to abject self-loathing
and regret. She was the girl, 1 know that now. But
I pushed her away..•
Everyone's silent. Silent Bob lights a cigarette.

BOB
So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy.•.
(takes a drag from his smoke)
Soto speak.

They sit there for a beat. Jay pockets the rest of his dime-bag.

JAY
Enough of this fucking melodrama My advice - for-
get her, dude. There's one woman in the world. One
woman, with many faces.
(to Silent Bob)
Get up, bitch.
 (to Holden)
We gotta book. We're catching a bus to Chi-town.

HOlDEN
What's there?

JAY
Business, yo. How many more of those phat enve-
lopes do we got coming to us?

HOIDEN
I don't know. I don't know if the book's going to
be around much longer..

JAY
Yeah? Good. I'll be glad as shit when it's gone.

HOlDEN
Are you kidding me? There's millions of people
out there that'd love to see themselves in a comic
book.

JAY
I know. I spend every fucking waking hour with one
of them. As for me - don't get me wrong, I dig the
way you draw us and shit. But it ain't like us at all -
all slap-sticky and shit - running around like dicks,
saying... What's that shit you got me saying?

HOWEN
Snootchie-bootchies.

JAY
'Snootchie-bootchies•. Who talks like that? That's
baby-talk.
(slaps his hand)
lt's a big world, g - but we're bound to run into you
again. Until then - keep your unit on you.

HOLDEN
I'll try.

BOB
Do, or do not - there is no try.

JAY
(slaps him)
Knock it off! Get your fat ass moving - we got a
bus to catch.
(under his breath)
Jedi-bitch.
Ex\t jay and Silent Bob. Holden remains in the booth, thinking.
 9o

,~
\
MONTAGE-AN UNCOMFORTABLESILENCE

1 ) Holden sits at his drawing table, tapping his pencil up and down.

2) Alyssa sits in a club, getting talked at by some women. She's not present in
the conversation.

3) Banky meets with Sloss at a restaurant. Sloss shakes the contracts at him,
and Banky makes the "l know, I know," face.
4) Holden stares at the picture Alyssa gave him.

S) Alyssa with her ear to the phone. She hangs up, angrily.

6) Holden sits in the park that he and Alyssa walked through. He's staring at
Alyssa's yearbook picture. He closes the book and sighs. Then, an idea hits
him. He jumps up and dashes out of the park.

INT STUDIO - NIGHT

Banky and Alyssa sit on the.couch. Holden paces in front of them.

HOlDEN
1 know you're wondering why I asked you both here
tonight, at the same time, knowing that we have shit
to senle between us, separately.

BANKY
1 just figured you wanted to kiU two birds with one
stone by telling her to fuck off with me here so you
didn't have to go through the story again later on.
ALYSSA
Fuckyou.
BANKY
Not even if you let me videotape it.

HOlDEN
Enough!
(they both look at him)
I've been going through things, over and over. And
I disected it all, and looked at it a thousand different
ways. Banky - there's friction between us for the
first time in our lives. You hate me dating Alyssa,
and you want me to sign off on this M-1V thing.
BANKY
How perceptive.
HOlD8'l
Alyssa - you and 1 hit a wall, because I don't know
how to deal with ... your past, I guess.
r BANKY
That's a nice way of putting it. I'd have said the
whole triple-fuck thing...
HOlDEN
Shur up.
(right in his face)
I'm only going to say it once.
(back to pacing)
Now - I know I'm to blame one way or the other on
both accounts. For you, Alyssa - it's my fault because
I feel inadequate. Because you've had so much exper-
ience, had such a big life; and my life's been pretty
small in comparison.

ALYSSA
That doesn't matter to me ...

HOlDe-J
Please. I have to get through this.
(beat)
And with you, Banky - I know why you're having
such a hard time with Alyssa, and it's something
that's been obvious forever, but 1 guess I just
didn't acknowledge iL
(takes a deep breath)
You're in love with me.

BANKY
(makes a face; beat)
What?

HOlDe-J
You're attracted to me. Just as in a way, I'm attracted
to you. I mean, it makes sense - we've been together
so long, we have so much in common...

BANKY
(getting up)
Well, I've got to get home and catch the last few
minutes of 'Babylon S', so I'll be...

Holden grabs him, kisses him full on the lips, and pushes him back onto the couch.
Alyssa reacts. Banky - wide-eyed and speechless - looks away.

HOlDe-J
It's something you're going to have to deal with, Bank.
You may very well be gay, which explains your homo-
phobia and why you're so jealous of Alyssa, and your
sense of humor as well.
BANKY
just 'cause a guy's got a prediliction toward dick jokes...
HOLDEN
Bank. Stop. Face it. You'll feel much better.
r He grabs a chair from the side of the room.
HOlDEN
Now - at this point, you may be asking yourself the
question that I've been going over and over in my
head for the last few days: what does one have to
do with the other.
Alyssa's face drops. She subtlety shakes her head.
ALYSSA
(under her breath)
Don't

HOlDEN
And when I did some serious soul-searching, it
came at me from out of nowhere, and suddenly it
all made sense - a calm came over me. l know
what we have to do. And then you - Bank, you -
Alyssa, and J - all of us ... can finally be... alright.

ALYSSA
(again, under her breath)
Please don't say it.
HOIDEN
(sits in the chair; takes a long beat)
We've all got to have sex together.
The room is silent. Holden lights a cigarene. Banky's eyes nearly bug. Alyssa's
head drops.

HOlDEN
Don't you see? That would take care of everything.
Alyssa - I wouldn't feel inadequate or too conserva-
tive anymore. I'll have done something on par with
all the experience you've had. And it'll be with you,
which'll make it that much more powerful. And Banky -
you can take that leap which everyone in the world
but you can see has to be taken. And it'll be okay; be-
cause it'll be with me - your best friend for years.
We've been everything to each other but intimates.
And now, we'll have been through that together too.
And it won't have to be a total leap for you, because
a woman will be involved. And when it's over, all that
aggession you feel toward Alyssa will be gone. Because-
in
you'll have shared something beautiful wit~ the wo-
man I love. It'll be cathartic. A true communion. We
have to do this. For me, for both of you... for all of our
sakes. This will keep us together.
(beat)
What do you say?
~ Banky stares forward, wide-eyed. He leans back into the couch and lets out a
huge sigh. Then shrugs.
 BANKY
Sure.

Holden smiles at his friend. Then he looks at Alyssa.

HOlDrN
Alyssa. You know I need this. You know it will help.

Alyssa looks at him, sadly.

ALYSSA
No.

Holden reacts, shocked. Banky lets out a sigh of relief.

HOlDrN
No? I... I thought you'd be into this.

ALYSSA
You did? What does that say about me?

HOlDrN
But you've... you've done. •. stuff... like this. This
should be no big deal for you.

ALYSSA
You don't want this.
{lights her cigarette)
You really don't want this. Trust me.

HOlDEN
I need this. This has to happen. Why can't you see
that? And how can you not? What does that say
about me? You can take it from three guys whose
names you can barely remember, but I ask you to
share an experience like it• where it's not about
you being defiled, where it's about intimacy • and
you say no?

ALYSSA
(inhales from her cigarette; takes a beat)
I can't
Holden moves to her side of the couch.

HOIDEN
You can. I'll be there. And when it's over, we'll be
the strongest we've ever been because we got
through some nasty shit together. And then there'll
be nothing we can't accomplish.

A. tear rolls down her cheek.. She looks at him, sadly, and touches his face.

ALYSSA
Oh Holden.
 (trying to compose herselO

r That time is over for me. I've been there. I've

done it. And I didn't find what I was looking for
in any of it. I found that in you - in us. Doing this
won't help you forget about the things you're hung
up on. It'll create more.

HOlDEN
No it won't. I thought about all of that.

ALYSSA
No, it will. Maybe you'll see me differently from
then on - maybe you'll despise me for going along
with it, once you're in the moment. Maybe I'll make
a noise or a breath with Banky, and then you'll resent
him, and become suspicious of us. OT you'll alienate
him because of it, and then grow to blame and hate
me for the deterioration of your friendship. Or may-
be - l sincerely doubt it, but maybe - I'll see some-
thing in Banky that I never saw before, and fall in
love with him and leave you. I've been down roads
like this before; many times. 1 know you feel doing
this will broaden your horizons and give you exper-
ience. But I've had those experiences on my own. I
can't accompany you on your's. I'm past that now.
(touches his face; stans to cry)
Or maybe l just love you too much. And l feel hun
and Jet down that you'd want to share me with any-
one. Because I never wanted to share you.
(holds it in; gets up)
Regardless. I can't be a pan of this.
(beat)
Or you. Not anymore.
(hugs him)
I love you. I always will. Know that.

She releases him, then slaps him.

ALYSSA
But l'm not your fucking whore.
'
Alyssa storms away, stopping briefly to look Banky up and down.

ALYSSA
He's your's again.

She walks out of the studio. The door closes behind her.

Banky and Holden stand there, silently. Cut to black.

INT COMIC BOOK SHOW-DAY

(' It's ONE YEAR later. We're at another show, not unlike the one from the opening.
A copy of 'Bluntman and Chronic' enters the frame. The cover reads 'The Death of
Chronic'. complete with a corresponding drawing.
BANKYV.O.
Blast from the past.
Banky sits at his own signing table. Behind him hangs a banner that reads
'BANKY EDWARDS - CREATOR OF FORESKINS, DISEASE, AND DECAY'.
A small line is formed in front of him. He talks with a FAN.
FAN
Do you know how much it's going for these days? One
ten. You signing it will push that up even higher.

BANKY
If you sell it, I want a kick-back.
(starts signing)

FAN
I don't know if this is true, but I heard once that
there was supposed to be an animated series of
Bluntman and Chronic.
BANKY
There was going to be.

FAN
What happened?
BANKY
(off comic)
You're looking at it. No Chronic - no cartoon.
FAN
That sucks man. That would've been awesome.

BANKY
Tell me about it.
FAN
ls that what happened to you and Holden McNeil?
You got into a fight over the rights or something?
BANKY
It was a little more involved than that.
FAN
Whatever happened to him?
BANKY
He quit the biz, I guess.
FAN
You guys don't talk anymore?
BANKY
 oe,
7 •

(looksOC)

r No. Not really.

Banky locks eyes with someone OC. His expression softens.
Holden leans against a wall on the far side of the room. He smiles at Banky.
Banky smiles back, and son of nods.
Holden holds up a copy of Banky's new solo comic. He points to it and gives a
thumbs up.

OCFAN
Probably shouldn't have killed off Chronic.
Banky smiles to OC.

BANKY
Guess not. Some doors just shouldn't be opened.
Holden waves to Banky slightly, then exits the room.
OCFAN
Well, keep up the good work, man. Love them dick
jokes. Love 'em. See ya
The Fan leaves, but Banky is looking after the OC Holden instead.
BANKY
Yeah. Bye.
(shakes it off)
Okay. Who's next?
ALYSSA sits at a separate signing table, with a line in front of her. Beside her
sits a WOMAN. She dashes off signatures in the copies of her comic.
ALYSSA
(to OC departing fan)
Thanks for reading iL Bye.
The Woman stands and rubs her shoulders.
WOMAN
I'm going to get a soda. You want anything?
ALYSSA
No thanks, babe. I'm fine.
They kiss. and the Woman heads off. Alyss stans rummaging through her· bag.
ALYSSA
(not looking up: jotting)
Okay. Next.
· A comic book drops on the table in front of her. She glances at it quickly, then
does a double-take.
 97
r It's a comic book call 'Chasing Amy'.
She leafs through it, not looking up.

ALYSSA
Um.•. You might have made a mistake. This isn't
one of mine.

OCHOLDEN
It's mine.
Alyssa looks up sharply.

Holden stands before her, smiling.

HOIDEN
I saved you one.

ALYSSA
Hi.

HOIDEN
Hi.

ALYSSA
(beat)
How've you been?

HOIDEN
Good Really good Yourself?

ALYSSA
Good.
(beat)
Book's selling like crazy, for some reason.

HOIDEN
That's because it's good. I just read the new one.
I really liked it.

ALYSSA
Thankyou.
(off comic)
I haven't even seen this yet? Did it just come out?

HOLDEN
A month ago. I did a really small run. Self-financed.
Only about five hundred issues.
ALYSSA
Will J enjoy it?

HOIDEN
You might. It's familiar subject matter.
Alyssa leafs through it. Her eyes get somewhat misty.

ALYSSA
Looks like a very personal story.
HOLDcN
I finally had something personal to say.
They look at each other for a beat.

HOlDf.N
I'm going to go. I don't want to hold up the line.

ALYSSA
It can get ugly.
(beat)
I mean, have you ever seen a nun call a small child
a cunt-rag? It's not preny.

HOlDEN
(smiles)
Read that, when you have a minute.

ALYSSA
I will.

HOlDf.N
I'd like to hear your thoughts. If you get a chance,
give me a call about it
ALYSSA
I just might.

They look at each other for a beat

HOlDEN
Nice seeing you again.

ALYSSA
Really nice to see you too.
He walks away. A few steps away, he turns and waves again. -'she waves back.
And he's gone in the thrall of fan-boys.
The NEXT person in line approaches Alyssa. The person follows her gaze.

NEXT
Who was that?
ALYSSA
Hmm? Oh. Just some guy I knew.
(taking book from person)
Who should I sign it to?
Alyssa begins scribbling her signature. The show goes on.