THE COMEDY

COSMONAUT

‘OUT OF THIS WORLD’

LAUGHS, VISUAL GAGS
AND TRICKS TO ADD
ATMOSPHERE FOR
CLOSE-UP AND STAND-UP!

BY GRAHAM HEY
CONTENTS
Page 3 Introduction
Page 5 The Smurfs
Page 6 Spiral Gag
Dead Doves
Page 7 Lines & Stuff!
Page 8 Liar Liar!
Page 10 Tiny Prediction
The Lie Detector
Page 11 Pyrotechnics
Page 12 Sale!
Painter Man!
Page 13 Small Props... Big Impact!
Page 16 More One-Liners...
Page 17 Wine
Mop & Bucket
Page 19 The Plunger
The Frikkin Four Aces
Page 22 More One-Liners...
Page 23 Latest News
Page 24 The Gravity Deck
Page 27 Baseball bat!
Mick Jagger
Page 28 Lunchbox
Page 29 Signed Card in Box
Page 31 Adult Jokes...
Announcement...
Page 32 Big Package
Action Man
Page 33 The Bermuda Triangle
Page 35 The Paper Bag
Page 36 Searching For Elvis
Page 39 Sardines
Page 40 Money!
Or... Big Money
One-Liners and Stuff...
Page 41 Wooden Spoon
Guitar
Pick & Mix!
Page 43 Cutting Edge Magic!
Page 44 Thanks.
INTRODUCTION
Welcome to my new comedy ebook.

It’s almost eighteen months since my last one, which I’m pleased to
say was a success. This ebook is a little different from my others in
that this one contains some tricks and routines too. So there really is
something for everyone in this book.

Opening visual gags have always played a big part in my own act on the
cruise ships as they help settle any nerves while also getting over to
the audience that my show is going to be fun (hopefully)! I’ve included
a few here, including a sure-fire winner which uses The Smurf Song.

I hope you find something to use in your own performances. Quite a

few of the things I’ve included work for both stand-up AND close-up
performances.

I read a review of one of my earlier books of one-liners and someone

wrote something along the lines of: “Lots of one-liners you can just get
on-line or off TV”. Yes, you could trawl through online sites or get the
jokes from comedians off TV, but that is stealing someone’s material. I
write the material in my books myself. You are getting my permission
to use them however you wish. If you steal someone else’s material,
then you don’t deserve to succeed. Lots of people ‘borrow’ the odd
line here and there, and I have done that myself, but I always ask the
creator if it’s OK for me to do so, and guess what? No one has ever
said ‘no’. In- fact they are always really pleased to be asked. Yes, just
being polite gets you a long way, and you don’t have to steal anything!

That’s one reason I started selling my material – because people

were blatantly stealing it. Writing a joke or visual gag takes time and is
original, so I thought I might as well benefit, seeing as it was me who
actually wrote it!

Then there’s the question: I have a great one-liner. But how do I put
that into my act? Or into a magic or mentalism routine? I’ll give you a
few examples in this book. It’s not difficult.

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 Comedy is a very personal thing, so what one person finds hilarious,
another won’t. It’s like reading a joke book – if two people read it and
you asked them which jokes made them laugh, I’d bet money that
they wouldn’t choose the same ones.

I go on percentages. Let’s say that 25 people out of a hundred find a

joke funny. That’s 250 out of a 1000 people in a cruise ship audience
all laughing at the same time, and often it’s a lot more. What you get
is all that laughter – which actually encourages more laughter. And
before you know it, the crowd have been drawn into your show. And
if you follow up one good gag with another gag quickly, then you get
cumulative laughter, which sounds amazing! When one laugh blends
in to another, you have success!

Anyway, that’s enough of me. Let’s get on with it! I hope you enjoy this
ebook.

Thanks,
Graham

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THE SMURFS
You can do some great gags as soon as you walk on stage if
you are clever about the use of music. It gets you off to a great
start as the audience are laughing before you have even begun
to actually get into your act.

Here is a killer start which I have used on cruise ships and to corporate
audiences. Get the ‘sound engineer’ to play The SMURF SONG by
Father Abraham as you are coming on stage. Let it play for 20 or 30
seconds so that everybody knows the song. Tell them to cut the music
AS SOON AS YOU GET MICROPHONE. Then, you look at the sound
engineer and say: “I definitely said THE SMITHS!”

This gets a great laugh. Don’t think for a minute that people don’t
really know who ‘The Smiths’ are, cos they do. This is a guaranteed
laugh-getter with no real comedy skill required!

Another good idea is to keep asking the sound engineer for some
‘spooky music’ or some ‘romantic music’ throughout your act
depending on the type of effect you’re doing, and always get them
to play THE SMURF SONG EVERYTIME you ask, no matter what style
you ask for. They audience will laugh more each time. You, of course,
need to look annoyed each time, or make a comment such as, “Give
the sound engineer a big round of applause…. It’s his last night!” Which
will get another laugh and is a great as a running gag to tie your show
together. Of course, you could do something similar with other songs
if you give it some thought. Just make sure that the song they are
going to get confused with is a ‘stupid’ or very uncool song!

(Another good music ‘mix-up’ would the Wombles song…. And then
you say, “No, I said the Wombats!!!” (Obviously this is an English band
– if you’re in a different country, then use the same principle with a
song/band that your own audience will know!)

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 SPIRAL GAG
I’ve seen quite a few magicians do the ‘Spiral’ routine where
they get the audience to look at the centre dot, and after a
minute or so they have to look at the performer and his head
grows larger. You know the one. And, it is quite a good ice
breaker. However, I always thought there was room for a gag
to use first, as you don’t need any misdirection or anything.

This is what happens: Tell the audience that they have to stare at
the centre dot as the spiral spins… “After I have counted down from
30 to number 1, I want you to all stare at me – and my face will be really
grotesque and horrible…” After you have done the countdown, move
the spiral and you now look like Donald Trump! *That’s because while
you were ‘behind the spiral, you simply put on a mask! So easy, and
gets a laugh every time as you confirm, “Has it made my face look
grotesque?”

Of course, you could do all sorts with this. You could say it will make
your face 3D, and put on a really long false nose, like Pinochio!

After you’ve done the joke, do the spiral for real. You could even make
a running gag of it and use different masks throughout your act!

DEAD DOVES
A dead dove has featured in quite a few magic acts over the
years, and I always think the principle of that is great!

Here’s another idea. Have some ‘serious magician type’ music playing…
keep bringing out doves via your silk handkerchief and push them out
until they simply tipple on to the stage. Proceed to look down at each
one, before continuing.

Two possible endings:

1. Have someone come on with a yard brush and brush them off, as
you make dramatic hand movements and say, “That’s it, fly away my
beauties!”

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 C O M E D Y FROM ANOTHER WORLD

2. As you look down at the several dead doves, you say: “Well the pet
shop said they were definitely fit and healthy when they put them in the
envelope to post them from Australia.”

LINES & STUFF!

“Anyone in from (name a nearby town) tonight?” (Someone will say
‘Yes!’) You reply; “That’s where I live. Which part of town do you live in?”
Whatever they answer, you reply: “Oh, that’s why I haven’t seen you
before then… I live in the nice part!”

“I hope you can hear me Ok when I’m performing tonight, I’ve got a really
bad cold. I bought some lentils at the weekend and on the packet, it said;
‘stand in cold water over night!”

“I want you to shuffle the deck, but try your best not to mix them up, or I’ll
never find your card!”

“I took my girlfriend to see a BEE GEES tribute act last night, but it was
cancelled. TRAGEDY.”

“My Uncle Brian died recently. He was a successful ice cream man – and in
his will he left me HUNDREDS & THOUSANDS!”

“That’s a fabulous dress you’re wearing. I used to have that exact dress
when I was a woman!”

“Can you confirm that all these cards are different?” (Yes) “…Oh, well in
that case it means I’ve brought the wrong deck with me!”

When you’re doing a trick and you noticed a ‘Queen’ card; “I saw on
the news last night that the Queen went to the dentist yesterday. She had
a crown fitted!”

“Last night I went for yodelling lessons. On the door it said please form an
orderly, orderly, orderly queue.”

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 To a decent-size crowd; “Any paramedics or nurses in tonight? My act
can be so exciting that I like to have professionals on standby! I did a show
last night that was too exciting for most people, so they left at the interval!”

“I had all my props stolen last week. The police caught the culprit and gave
him a reward for ‘protecting the public!”

“This time last year I was actually in the army! I was a tank driver and
spent a lot of time in a desolate barren-wasteland where danger lurked in
every corner. I’m so glad I’m not stationed in Manchester anymore!”

“I’m feeling great tonight – my wife told me she’s having an affair with
the local headmaster. She says he’s great in bed, and OFSTED said he’s
officially ‘OUTSTANDING!’”

“I fell out with my girlfriend last night. She tried to make me have sex on the
hood of her Honda Civic… but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going
to be on my own Accord.”

LIAR LIAR!
Here’s a great 100% self-
working trick that I found in
an old magic book that dated
back at least 80 years. I have
no idea who created it, but
here’s my own take on it.

You need: 9 normal paying cards (you could already have 9 cards put
to one side), or ask someone to shuffle a deck themselves and then
deal 9 cards on to the table…

Perform: Ask the spectator to deal the cards into 3 piles of three
cards. Then ask them to pick up any 2 piles and place them face-
down on to the palm of your hand. Tell that the TOP CARD OF THE
REMAINING PILE IS GOING TO BE THEIR CARD. Tell them to take the
card, look at it, and remember it.

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Now say: “I’d like to place YOUR CARD face down on top of the cards in the
palm of my hand, and then the last cards on the table on top of your card…
Now, I know that your card will be third from the top, but that is irrelevant as
this is a lie detector test… YOU CAN LIE OR TELL THE TRUTH.

The first question is - and remember that you can LIE or TELL THE
TRUTH… WHAT IS THE VALUE – NOT THE SUIT, JUST THE VALUE OF
YOUR CARD? (Let’s say they say it’s a FOUR). You proceed to spell out
F-O-U-R by placing one card on to the table for each letter, and then
place the remaining cards on top of the one’s you have just dealt,
then pick up the pile again. “Now, the second question is – AND YOU CAN
LIE OR TELL THE TRUTH – WHAT IS THE SUIT OF YOUR CARD?” (Let’s say
they say HEART). This time you spell out H-E-A-R-T by placing one card
on to the table in a face down pile for each letter and then place the
remaining cards in your hand on top of the pile you have dealt – then
pick the pile up.

“Now this is the final question, and this time you HAVE TO TELL ME THE
TRUTH! DID YOU LIE OR TELL THE TRUTH?” (if they have told one lie, they
have to say lie!)

NOW AT THIS POINT, THERE ARE TWO POSSIBILITIES: (Due to this

being a great mathematical trick, whatever they have said so far, THEIR
CARD WILL ALWAYS BE 5TH FROM THE TOP!!) If they said they told
the truth: Deal the cards down one at a time for the word truth: T-R-U-
T-H… and when you deal the ‘H’, turn the card over, and it’s their card!

If they said they LIED, say: “I knew you’d lied…“ Spell out L-I-E-D, dealing
one card at a time, and as soon as you’ve dealt the ‘D’ of lied, say: “So this
must be your card!” Turning the very next card over, and it will be theirs!

*As you know their card will be 5th from the top after the first two
questions, you can use your imagination to reveal the selected card!
Try this trick on yourself, it works EVERY TIME, and can be repeated!

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 TINY PREDICTION
Proceed to perform a trick of choice - one that needs a prediction
to be revealed at the finish. Get an absolutely ‘tiny’ prediction out of
an envelope – one so small that the spectator won’t be able to even
see it properly! Hold it briefly right in front of their eyes and say, “You
can clearly see that my prediction is one hundred percent correct and
accurate… Thank you!” And usher them back to their seat. The idea is
that the audience think you have obviously got it wrong, so you are
fobbing them off with a light-hearted end to the trick. You could have
the correct prediction written on a LARGE piece of paper stuck to your
back, so that after the ‘comedy’ ending, you could say, “OK, let’s do
something else…” And you turn around to get a prop or something, to
show that you really got the prediction correct!

THE LIE DETECTOR

My friend Mike McClean, the ‘fabulous comedy mentalist’ (according
to his own publicity) created a lie detector for his act and he sells
them too. It’s one of those security scanners they use in airports and
other places. There are tons of things you can use it for with a little
imagination. This is how I used it recently. Can I just say that you could
probably get a friend to help you out if you are doing a stand-up show
and so you don’t actually need to buy one of Mike’s lie detectors which
have been specially wired up by the good folks at Propdog.

During my show I mention that my new ‘Lie Detector’ has arrived in

the post and that I’m keen to try it out! I point it towards myself and
make a few statements. If I tell a lie it goes off!

Of course, you say phrases like: “I have a dog called Bob!” AND IT
DOESN’T GO OFF. Then, “I was born in (name town)…” AND AGAIN IT
DOESN’T GO OFF. “I’m a fabulous lover! (And again, it doesn’t go off.
“Yes, it’s working perfectly!” Then make an outrageous claim (eg: “I’m ten
feet tall!”) and then it DOES go off.

10
At the end of my performance, I say, “What a shame, I haven’t had time
to use it. (Pick it up) Oh well, never mind. I’d just like to say you’ve been
wonderful audience…” IT GOES OFF – YOU’RE LYING. You look at it….
Then carry on. “And I hope to come back to (name location) again soon…”
IT GOES OFF AGAIN! The audiences love this!

On the cruise ships I use it while talking about the ship’s captain.
“He’s very experienced, and I can tell you that he’s never, ever been drunk
on duty!” IT GOES OFF, to riotous laughter! You can make up your own
lines without much difficulty for ANY occasion.

Now, you could have someone off stage setting off an alarm or
something as and when required. So, you don’t need to buy a LIE
DETECTOR. Mike’s Lie Detector has been wired so that you can set it
off when you want to, as you hold it.

You can buy the actual scanners online for just a few pounds. I
recommend you do something along these lines, as it’s a sure-fire
winner.

PYROTECHNICS
Approach a table and say: ‘I was going to start with a massive display of
pyrotechnics, but I’ve had my budget cut, so….’ As you say this, get out a
party popper and pull the string.’ Then follow it by saying, ‘Now that the
fun’s over, I’ll get on with my act…’

This is a fun, novelty way of approaching a table and getting your

performance under way. You could use a party popper at the end, by
saying, ‘would anyone like to see my grand finale?’ Everyone will shout
yes! Get out your party poppers and also some ‘glitter’ which you
throw into the aim in the same movement of doing the popper. And
add: ‘You’ve been such a great audience, GIVE YOURSELVES A STANDING
OVATION!’ They’ll all get up, and you’ll look AMAZING! And all in good
fun!

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 SALE!
Here’s a fun little item to mention in your close-up set and it
will get a laugh. Say, ‘I went to the local shopping centre (name
a specific one which is local to where you’re performing, for
added impact!) and got this in the mammoth sale!’ As you say
the word ‘this’ time it to bring out a toy MAMMOTH!

You can get these on line or at places such as Smyths or most leading
toy shops. It’s just a little gag, but these things in-between tricks are
what people remember, so definitely worth doing them!

PAINTER MAN!
A nice gag to do during stand-up.

Tell the audience, ‘You’ll never believe what happened to me last weekend.
I went to a car boot sale and bought a genuine Van Gogh painting for two-
pounds fifty. That’s the good news. The bad news is the painting was done
by TERRY VAN GOGH, a Painter and decorator from Hull…’ as you say this,
bring out, or turn around a painting to show a really terrible painting…

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S M A LL P R O P S…
B IG IMPA C T !
There is a whole new world of tiny props out there. They have
the potential for lots of comedy, and the best thing is, they are
really cheap!

The one’s listed below are all perfect for quirky moments during your
close-up performances. All the props I mention are all available from
Amazon. They are usually produced for the ‘dolls’ house industry. And
perfect for magicians to carry around in their pockets.

Leotard
I have mentioned this visual gag in a previous book – many years
ago now, and I mention it again because it is a PRICELESS gag
that I have used for 20 years in ALL my close-up performances
and it has got a big laugh EVERY single time without fail, so
here it is again, just in case you haven’t got the ebook it was
originally included in.

You need a tiny ‘leotard’. I got one from a very small doll in a discount
store. It cost me £1. Find a doll that’s wearing a swimming costume or
something – it will be fine!

This is how I ‘perform’ it. I begin a trick – usually a card trick, and after
a lady has selected a card, I say, ‘Oh, by the way, I’m looking for a new
glamorous assistant for my act. The pay is £1000 for half an hour. Would
you be interested?’ (They nearly always say ‘Yes!’ Even if they don’t, it
doesn’t matter, just ask another lady at the table. And usually, a guy
will shout out, ‘I’ll do it for that!’ and this gets a laugh). Anyway, you get
the tiny leotard out of your pocket and say to the lady, ‘Ok, well you
just pop your leotard on then, and I’ll come back to you in a minute!’ And
hold it towards them, dangling it for everyone to see, between your
forefinger and thumb. This always gets a big laugh.

The psychology behind this is brilliant, and I stumbled on to it by

accident. The lady laughs as she is flattered that you are holding up
such a small garment for her to ‘get in to’. The men laugh – as they are

13
 thinking; ‘There’s no way she could never get in to that!’ So, everyone
is laughing, but for different reasons. This is a fabulous little bit of fun,
so do it!

The Woodpecker!
Your new assistant finds the chosen
card!

Effect: The magician spreads the cards

and asks the spectator to touch the back
of any card. They look at their card and
place it back into the deck. The cards are
placed into the box and a woodpecker
is placed on top. It proceeds to peck the
box. The cards are removed, and the cards spread. One card now has
lots of holes ‘pecked’ in it. It’s the selected card!!

You’ll need: A rough & smooth deck. An additional card the same
as the force card – and then use a hole punch to punch out a load of
holes in to the card. You’ll also need a woodpecker like in the image,
which you can get online for just a pound or two – but it’s totally worth
it for this high-impact trick from a friend of mine called Bobo. It’s a
wind-up Woodpecker and pecks. It’s really funny and makes the effect
really memorable.

Secret: The cards are Rough & Smooth which means the deck of
cards ‘stick’ together, but without any glue! They are coated with a
special spray, which means that the cards can be spread by putting
pressure on the cards, they appear to be normal. If you examine the
cards, you’ll see the top card of each pair is repeated throughout the
deck. This means that when you spread through the cards and say
touch the back of ANY card, they will always touch the card you want
them to.

Set Up: Once you’ve made your ‘holed’ card. place it third from the
bottom of the deck as the deck is held face down. You are now ready!!

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Perform: Place your new assistant (your woodpecker!) on to the
table. Remove the cards from the deck and spread them face up to
show they are all different. When you do this, make sure you don’t
show the gimmicked card with the holes in. Push past the first few
cards so this is not seen. Now turn the deck face down and ask the
spectator to TOUCH THE BACK OF ANY CARD THEY LIKE.

Once they have touched a card, cut the cards at this point so the card
they touched is now on top of the deck. Now give them their card to
look at. Place it back on top and then cut the deck so that their card
goes into the middle… Now place the whole deck into the card box
and say that your new assistant is going to locate the selected card in
an unusual way…

Take the woodpecker and wind it up, then place it on top of the card
box, holding its base and as it pecks, move it around the top of the
box. After it has pecked quite a few times, remove the cards from the
box… and spread the cards face down – slowly until you find one card
with lots of freshly pecked holes in! Ask the spectator which card they
selected… then turn over the card – and it’s their selected card.

You can finish by spreading the cards face up if you wish, to show that
there is no other card of the same value in the deck…

This is an excellent little trick which is quirky and has a big impact!

Successful Year
“I’ve got some good news! I did so well with my magic last year that
I’ve saved-up and bought myself a Porsche!” (Go in to your pocket
and remove a toy Porsche car, and place it on to the table without
laughing) …Yes, it was a crap year really!”

15
 On The Count Of Three
Here’s a little funny piece to put in to a close-up effect and it
always gets a laugh. The fabulous Wayne Dobson once showed
me this – I’m not sure it he came up with the original idea or
not, but none-the-less, you must try it.

So, have a card selected by a spectator at the table and tell them to
keep hold of it, as you are going to do a spot of mindreading. Say, “Hold
the card with the fingers and thumbs of both hands. I want you to quickly
tear-up the card in to several pieces… NOW!” (They rip up the card). You
continue, in a serious tone of voice STRAIGHT AWAY; “…in your mind!”
Everyone will laugh as they realise the spectator wasn’t supposed to
really rip it up! You then take back the pieces as if you are annoyed!
“Do you know how much these cards cost? I’m not made-of-money, you
know!” And then you proceed to go in to a real card routine!

MORE ONE-LINERS…
“It’s my girlfriend’s birthday next week and I’ve bought her a fridge. I can’t
wait to see her face light up when she opens it!”

“I asked my North Korean friend what life was like in North Korea. He said,
‘I can’t complain!’”

To use one-liners in my act, I dress them up a little bit to make them

more relevant. So, for example, if I’m performing at a wedding I’d say;
“It’s me and my wife’s wedding anniversary next week, and I’ve bought
her a fridge…” etc. It’s just ties the joke in with the occasion I’m
performing at.

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WINE
Before you perform your next trick at a table, say that if you
don’t get the next trick right, you’ll give them a FREE bottle
of wine. This alone will get a good reaction from those seated
around the table.

Proceed to do a trick and get it wrong on purpose. BUT DO NOT

MENTION THE WINE. Just carry on…. BUT: the people at the table
will remind you about the wine. Maybe say, “Look, this is costing me
a fortune… but I’m a man (or woman) of my word, so I’ll get you your
bottle of wine as promised!” Reach in to your jacket and give them a
miniature bottle of wine (from dolls house/Amazon). They sell brilliant
little miniatures which are about an inch and half in height.

MOP & BUCKET

Here’s a fabulous little prop you can buy on Amazon for just
a couple of pounds or dollars and is worth its weight in gold –
in my opinion. I’ve made it into a cool little trick which blows
people away.

This is the trick: Show a spectator a few playing card, each card has
an object written on it: Coin, Dice… all small items. Except one card
has ‘Mop & Bucket’ written on it… hand the cards to the spectator and
ask them to mix up the cards face-down, behind their back.

Say: I’m going to try and use my powers of influence on you. I have an
object in my right-hand trouser pocket, and I’m going to try and make you
pick the card which has that object on – just by staring at you in a strange
way!’ (Make a face here!!)

Once they are mixed up, ask them to place the cards face-down on
the palm of your hand. Then you ask them to take the top card and
show it to everyone else. ‘Whatever object is on your card, I have in my
right-hand trouser pocket!’ They’ll probably laugh at this remark, as you
have forced them to pick the card which has ‘MOP & BUCKET on it!

17
 Of course, all that remains now is for you to do some play acting and
dramatically reveal that you really do have a mop and bucket in your
trouser pocket!

So, how do you force the correct card? Here’s a FANTASTIC FORCE!
You’ll need 9 playing cards, preferably with a blue back and red pip
faces. On FIVE of them, write “MOP & BUCKET” on the face, and on the
other 4 cards, write the name of small objects such as coin, paperclip,
etc… The cards with ‘mop & bucket’ on are placed at the bottom of the
face-up packet.

Bring out the 9 cards, face up.

“Here I have some playing cards, and each one has a different item written
on them… We have ‘coin’… (show them the ‘coin’ card), we have ‘paperclip’
(show them the card with paperclip on it…) keep going until you see
the first ‘mop & bucket’ card. “And we have ‘mop & bucket’ etc. etc.”

All the other cards will have ‘mop & bucket’ written on them, but you
have now shown them 5 different cards, so there’s really no need
to carry on. Just do this casually, and then hand them towards the
spectator face down. “Give the cards a mix-up behind your back so
that no-one could possibly know the order of the cards…”

Let the spectator mix them up and then say; “And when you’re happy,
place the cards face down on the palm of my hand…” As you say this,
offer your palm. They place the cards on to your hand. All you have to
do now is look at the top card. If it’s a marked card, say, “Take the top
card and have a look at it, and don’t let me see it…” Put the rest away in
to your pocket.

*If the top card is NOT a marked (mop & bucket) card, then all you
do is offer the pile to someone else to give them an extra cut “to
make sure they’re properly mixed-up…” And just continue to do this
until a marked ‘mop & bucket’ card is on top. This is a brilliant force
– which is incredibly fair. The more times the deck has to be cut in
order to get a marked card on top, the fairer it seems, so don’t worry
if it has to be cut a few times to get the right result!

18
Once you see that a marked-card is on top. Ask the spectator to ‘take
the top card, and show everyone else, but don’t show it to me… I’ll put all
the other cards away so I can’t see which card is missing.”

THE PLUNGER
For this you need a full-sized toilet plunger!

Walk on stage with the plunger, held slightly away from you, with a
grimace on your face. Say: ‘If anyone’s thinking of using the toilet in my
dressing room… well, give it 10 minutes!’ No need for an explanation
here, I think!

Or, if you have a miniature plunger (like for the great effect, ‘The Tiny
Plunger’) then you could say, “I was late for tonight’s gig as I’ve been
unblocking my toilet at home for the last five hours – mind you, this is the
plunger I’ve been using! (bring out the tiny plunger).

THE FRIKKIN FOUR ACES

A COOL SELF-WORKER!
Effect: A deck of cards is shuffled. The spectator then cuts the deck
in to four separate piles which are roughly even. The performers asks
the spectator to move a card here and there to even up the piles.
When the performer is happy the piles are about even, he asks the
spectator to turn over the top card of each separate pile. They are the
four different aces! As a final kicker, all the other cards are turned over
to reveal that they are blank! (This trick can also be done with a normal
deck, which I’ll talk about at the end!).

Notes: This is an effect originally shown to me by Pat Page, and then I

changed it around a bit and added the blank cards. The original effect

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 I believe, is Pat’s. I’ve shown this to many magicians and performed
it endlessly over the years and it always gets a great reaction. It’s so
simple yet so effective. It works on a bit of simple psychology which
has never, ever been sussed in all the years I’ve performed it.

What you need: Four different aces and 48 blank cards. All the
cards must have the same coloured backs. Alternatively, you can do
this with a standard, normal deck.

Set up: Place the four aces in any order on top of all the blank cards.
That’s it, you’re ready to go.

Perform: I begin by riffling the deck twice as I talk, making sure

the four aces remain on top of the deck. Make no reference to you
shuffling the deck, the action will speak for itself. “I’m going to let YOU
try and read my mind! I know it’s not a pleasant thought but have a go
anyway…”

Place the deck FACE DOWN on the table. “I’m thinking about cutting the
deck in about half… concentrate and try and cut the deck exactly where
I’m thinking… side by side on the table” They cut the deck in half, so
there are now two piles on the table. Now you’re going to get them
to cut both of the two piles in-half again – so there will be four piles
of cards, roughly the same – all in a row. “Now cut the pile on the left
roughly in half again (tap the table where you want them to place the
new pile) and then do the same with the pile on the right, so there are four
piles in total… I’ve been trying to send you mental signals to cut the piles
exactly where I wanted you to… hang on a minute!” (at this point – and
this is the key point, you stand in-front of the four piles and look at
them AS IF YOU TRYING TO SEE IF THEY ARE EQUAL IN NUMBER AND
HEIGHT. The current position is this: There are four piles roughly the
same. One of the piles has the four aces on top. All you have to do is
remember which pile was at top of the deck. The aim now is to get an
ace on top of each pile in a very crafty way – and remember, no one
has any idea what the trick is, so everyone thinks you are looking to
see if the piles are ‘even’ so a little bit of play-acting is required.

So, let’s take it that the four aces are on top of the pile on the left.

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Look at the piles and say, “oh, take two off this pile (pile with aces on)
and place them on to this pile (tap your finger next to the pile third on
the left).” So now you have 2 Aces on the far-left pile and 2 on the 3rd
left pile. Now look again at the piles and say, “take one off this pile (3rd
left) and put it on to here (tap second-left pile).” So now you have 2 Aces
on the far left, one on the 2nd left and one on the 3rd left. All you have
to do now is say, “Hmm, take one from here (far left) and put it on this
pile! (far right pile).” Remember – and this is the VITAL bit, everyone
will be thinking you are making an effort to make the piles equal. But
NEVER make any such comment. All you are really doing is getting the
aces on top of each pile while pretending to be levelling the piles.

The current position is that you now have an ace on top of each of the
four piles. In between moving the cards, always look at the piles as if
you are looking to see if they are level. This is the most important part
of the trick.

Once you know the aces on top of each pile, all you have to do is say:
“I’d like you to turn over this card” (tap the card on top of the far- left
pile) it’s an ACE. “And now this card!” (tap top card of second-left pile)
…until all four top cards have been turned over and they are all aces!”
This will get a great reaction. “And it gets even better, because if you’d like
to look at all the other cards…. (turn them all over) …they’re all blank!”

If you want to do this effect with a normal deck, then the routine is
exactly the same but there won’t be the final twist at the very end
where all the other cards are blank. Either way, this is a terrific effect
and you’ll have a lot of fun performing it. It’s so easy to do, so give it
a go.

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 MORE ONE-LINERS…
“Someone apparently accused me of having a gambling problem. I’m not
sure who it was, but I’m putting my money on Brian!”

“My mum used to say, ‘Never take the easy way out!’ That’s why I’m useless
during house fires.”

“My daughter’s University had twenty thousand pounds worth of text

books stolen last week. Police are hopeful of getting them both back.”

Designer Shop
My wife went to one those exclusive designer clothes shops as it was my
birthday…. And she bought me this… (Bring out a coat hanger!)

Tiger Act
How about walking on stage in a suit that’s ripped to shreds and say;
“I’m very sorry ladies & gentlemen, but I won’t be performing my Tiger act
as it’s not quite rehearsed enough yet!”

Hair -Raising
Or wear a wig where the hair is all stood on end. And say: “I must
have a word with the electrician about the wiring on this ship!” (or in my
dressing room!)

Chicken
As you are looking for something in your pockets (perhaps your next
close-up trick?), keep bringing out rubber chicken legs… bring 3 or 4
of them out of different pockets… and as you do so, say, “I did a gig at
KFC last night and they gave me a lot of tips!”

Drink?
Ask the lady as she is leaving the stage if she likes a drink? When she
says yes, give her some straws! (Mike McClean)

“I stayed in a local hotel last night and I asked the lady on reception to give
me a wake-up call. She rang me at 5am and shouted: What the hell are
you doing with your life??”

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“Do mobiles have an effect on your life? I kept my mobile in my jeans
pocket – and now one of my testicles is bigger than the other two!”

“I’ve just joined my local, award-winning Musical theatre company. But I’m
not going to make a song and dance about it!”

“My brother is the manager of the local IKEA football team. He likes to play
with a flat-pack four.”

“I received an award from the onion-growers association. It brought a tear

to my eye.”

“I did a gig in a lovely little village (name) yesterday, and I sampled the
local honey. She turned out to be a lovely girl!”

“I did a show last night and the guy who booked me showed me a photo
of his wife and said, ‘She’s beautiful, isn’t she?’ I said, “If you think she is
beautiful, you should see MY wife! He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said,
“No, she’s an optician!”

LATEST NEWS
News items are always good to read out if you’re doing a stand-
up show. For example: get out a local newspaper. “I’ve been looking
through your local newspaper to see what’s been happening in your
town… I see that a string of knitting shops have been burgled… and local
police think the thieves are working to a pattern…”

“The local man who invented the ‘multi-plex’ cinema has died. And they’re
holding services for him at 2.15, 4.15, 6.15 and they’re doing a late night
showing at 10.30!”

People love these little news items, and if you really use a local
newspaper and mention some well-known local areas, people like you
for taking the time to do some research! Of course, all the gags can be
written inside, so you don’t even have to remember them!

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 THE GRAVITY DECK
A terrific effect with a gimmicked ‘deck’. I bought this effect
about 25 years ago while I was in Thailand and I’ve no idea who
came up with the idea. But it’s a real killer. The great thing is
that there is absolutely NO SKILL required, yet it’s a complete
baffler!

There are several ways you can do this trick – it’s great for close-up or
stand up. I’m going to show you the routine I use on the cruise ships.
What happens?

You get a lady to help you and ask her to select ANY card and sign it. She
does, and then she replaces it into the deck. The deck is then shuffled
and thrown loose into a carrier bag and shaken. The performer is
then blind-folded, and he says he’s going to find the lady’s card. He
reaches inside the carrier bag, and after a few moments brings out a
single card. He asks the lady to name her card. She does so, and then
the you turn over the card in your hand – it’s the lady’s SIGNED card!
So, that’s the basic effect. It’s very simple to do. My routine, which I’ll
talk through in a second, works really well in front of a large audience,
but because the spectators cannot see in to the bag at all anyway,
you can do this in normal close-up conditions and no one will ever
see the secret.

SECRET: There are 2 ‘blocks’ of cards which have magnets inside

them. I’ll show you how to make these later. It will only take you ten
minutes and you’ll have an effect you really will use all the time. The
two magnetic blocks effectively ‘lock’ the selected card between them.
Perform it! (Stand-up version)

“I need a lady to help me, a mature lady, if I may be so bold!” Pick the
oldest lady you can find. The older she is, the funnier the routine. It’s
as simple as that. But don’t worry if there isn’t an older lady around.
The routine will still be lots of fun!

“Do you know that everywhere we go, we leave a bit of our own personal
DNA?” Look at an old guy, “You sir, you look like the sort of person who’s

24
left a fair bit of your own DNA around, have you? Well I want you to
imagine this:

“There’s been a crime. So, the first thing we have to do is make sure
everyone knows it’s a crime scene, so we have to cordon you off!”
Get out the police do not cross tape and ‘cordon her off’ from
everyone else.

“Now before we begin, I need to ask you a few questions (and this is where
it works better if you get an old lady to help).

“Firstly: have you ever been a member of a Los Angeles Street Gang?

“Have you ever served more than 20 years in prison for dealing crack?”
(You can imagine the laughter as you ask an old lady these questions…)

Say that you need a sample of the lady’s DNA, and just by touching a
playing card, you’ll have the sample that’s needed by forensics! Spread
a deck of cards and ask the lady to touch and select a single card and
sign it on the face. “That’s the only card you’ve touched – so that’s the only
one with a little bit of YOUR DNA on it!”

The card is placed back on top of the deck, the deck is cut, shuffled
(the blocks will keep together) and then dropped loose in to a carrier
bag. (For this next bit you can be blindfolded if you want a little bit of
extra drama!)

The carrier bag can be handed to a couple spectators to shake. You

then roll up your sleeve, sow your hand to be empty… put your hand
in to the bag – building up the drama… you bring out a single card. “I’ve
got a single card in my hand, one that I think has a lady’s DNA on it…” She
names her card. You then reveal it is HER signed card!!!! It’s a miracle.

*Read the close-up version below for how to get the selected card
between the blocks!

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 Close-up: Have one block of cards on top of the deck, and the other
on the bottom of the deck. Have ANY card selected (apart from the
top or bottom block!). Have the card signed and ask them to place
their signed card on top of the deck which you immediately cut.

This wedges their card between the two magnetic blocks – it is

effectively locked in the middle. You can now shuffle the cards ‘lightly’
and the block will stay together. Then you can drop the deck loose
into a paper bag, and the bag can be shaken. To find their card, all you
do is put your hand into the bag and locate the large block of cards.
It’s easy to separate the blocks with one hand and bring out the card
which is trapped in the middle. The signed card!! It’s a miracle – and
like I mentioned before, you could even do it blindfolded if you wish!
Excellent for close-up OR stand-up.

Make it: You’ll need two ‘3 of diamonds’ and 2 jokers, 6 x 10mm x

1mm neodinium disc magnets. These are about one pound to buy. I
get mine from guysmagnets.co.uk if you are in the US, go onto eBay.
Also ebay.co.uk is a good place too.

Firstly, stick three magnets in a row (long ways) on the face of a 3

of diamonds – one positioned in the middle of each diamond. Once
these are stuck in place, stick two more cards on top of the magnet-
side, and two more underneath. This means that you’ll now have a
block of five cards, with 3 magnets stuck to the middle card. On the
face of this pile, make sure you have a joker.

Now get the other 3 of diamonds and place a piece of double-sided

tape in a strip down the middle of the face of the card. And then
place 3 magnets on to the block you’ve already made, so the magnets
stick to the ones in the middle of the block. Now place the card with
the tape on it, directly on top of the block with the magnets, and line
it up exactly. Now press the card so that the magnets will stick to
the double-sided tape and then remove this card. You then stick 2
cards on each side of the card with the magnets on, so you have your
second magnetic block. Make sure this block also has a joker on the
face.

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By having a joker on the face, it means that you can get rid of the
‘blocks’ from your normal deck afterwards, saying “we don’t need the
jokers!”

*Also, when you add the blocks to your normal deck, it will make he
deck much bigger, so remove 8 or 9 cards so that you’re only holding
a normal size deck of cards.

BASEBALL BAT!
A nice little gag for during close-up. It uses a miniature baseball
bat you can buy on eBay.

“I hope my sleight-of-hand is going to be alright tonight… I’m feeling a bit

stressed. Last night my house got broken in to – but luckily I always sleep
with a baseball bat under my bed just in case. I went downstairs and hit
him about 50 times right on top of the head! When the police arrived, they
arrested me and charged me… (get out your miniature baseball bat) …
with GROSS STUPIDITY!”

MICK JAGGER
“Guess what – I had Mick Jagger staying with me last weekend! What?
You don’t be believe me?? Honestly, he did – look, he left his toothbrush
behind!” (Bring out a giant toothbrush).

*This could also apply to Freddy Mercury: “A few years ago Freddy
Mercury broke down outside my house, so he stayed over for the
night. What? You don’t believe me?? Look, I can prove it - he left his
toothbrush behind!”

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 LUNCHBOX
Here’s a nice little running gag you can use during your act.

Bring out a lunchbox and open it dramatically, in a magic fashion and

bring out a package… slowly and magically unwrap it, as if you are
doing a trick. Then when you get to your unwrapped sandwich, take a
bite out of it, and casually say, “I always seem to get hungry when I’m
performing…” and put your sandwich down and continue with your
act. Do this a couple of times more after you’ve done another trick or
two etc, and then when you peel an orange from your box, open it to
find a card you couldn’t locate earlier on! (just have a duplicate card
already planted inside your orange!)

So, early in your act, do a quick card force of the one already placed
inside your orange, and quickly try to find it but fail. Throw the cards
away in disgust, saying, “Oh, forget that, let me show you something else
instead…”

*The card in your orange doesn’t have to be skillfully placed inside

with lots of preparation – just cut a basic slit in your orange, and fold
the card in to quarters and push it in. The spectators won’t be close
enough to see anything in fine detail, so there’s no need to make this
a masterpiece!

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SIGNED CARD IN BOX
Here’s a great little effect which I used to do in close-up all
the time. I did a gig with the late, great Pat Page who gave me
some great little bits of advice about how to make it better.

Effect: A card is selected and signed, replaced in to the deck and

vanishes. In the middle of the table is a small cardboard box. The
spectator is invited to shake it – there’s something inside it, and it
sounds like a card!!! They open it and can see their card. You tip it out
and it IS their signed card!

Set up: Get yourself a small card box, about 3 or 4 inches high and
about 2 inches wide is perfect. I use a box that a small box that holds a
small plastic tub of aspirin tablets. Any box will do, as long as a playing
card that has been folded in to quarters can lie flat on the bottom of,
with not much space around it. You’ll need to fold a playing card in
half, and then in half again. You are going to force this value card on
someone, so you’ll need a duplicate. When you fold it the second time,
fold it slightly off centre so that if your spectator was looking at this
in the bottom of a box, they can see it’s the same value card as the
one they selected – so they’ll presume it’s their card. This card will be
placed in the bottom of the box, with the side up where the spectator
can see a corner of the card.

This is the very clever bit: Thread a little bit of cotton through the
bottom quarter of the card and tape it so that it’s attached to the card
– and the other end of the thread is taped to the bottom of the box.
This means that the box can be shaken, but the card always lands
the right way up when it falls back to the bottom. So, the spectator
can shake it, open the box, and at the bottom can see a card which is
the same value as the one they’ve selected (but obviously they DON’T
KNOW you have forced that card on them).

Leave about 2 inches of thread from the playing card to the bottom of
the box. A little trial-and-error will do the trick!

29
 Perform: I’m presuming for this that you know one or two sleights
which are not too difficult to do. If there’s anything in this performance
part you don’t grasp, then a quick search online will produce the
answers.

Before you begin, place the box in to the middle of the table, drawing
attention to it, and say, “Inside the box is a surprise – don’t touch it, and
we’ll have a look at it in a few minutes…”

Proceed to force the same card as the one you have already ‘fixed’
into the box. Get the spectator to sign their card and replace in to the
deck. You will need to control this card to the top. Then to the bottom
– perhaps by shuffling the cards and running off cards individually for
the first few cards, which will leave the signed card on the bottom of
the deck. DO a ‘mercury fold’ (which is quite easy) and palm this card.
You can now hand the deck for someone else to shuffle! All you have
to do now is a bit of acting! Pretend to be keeping an eye on the deck
and say, “I’ve got a real skill – I can keep my eye on a single card, even
when the deck is being shuffled. For example, I can tell you that your card
is now 8th from the top of the deck!” They count off the first seven cards.
Slowly turning over the 8th card, it’s… NOT the card you said it would
be! After a few awkward moments, remind people that you placed a
box on the table a few minutes before. (Remember, you still have the
signed card ‘folded’ and palmed in your hand.)

“You remember earlier that I placed a box in the centre of the table… I want
you to pick up the box and give it a little shake… but don’t open it just yet.
Is there anything inside?” They’ll say ‘Yes’. Now ask them to “slowly open
the lid and take a little look inside…” (this encourages them to look, but
not touch!).

“Now pass me the box…” (Take it in your free hand) and then proceed
to tip it in to your other hand – where you have the real signed card
palmed). Of course, the card in the box will not fall out at it’s fastened
in to the box. You need to tip the box completely, covering your other
hand, making it look like the card has come fallen out of the box.

30
Because there has been several psychological points to the routine,
the spectators will automatically assume the card has just fallen out of
the box. Why wouldn’t they? The spectator shook the box, then looked
in side – seeing a little bit of the card in there – noticing that it was the
same card as their card!

ADULT JOKES…
Suitable for adult comedy clubs, adult nights on cruise ships,
or those rowdy gigs where anything goes!!

“Did you know that they say you have a 50% chance of living next door to
a sex-offender. Luckily, I live next door to a sexy twelve-year old.”

“My son has been thrown out of school for letting a girl wank him off in
class. It’s the third time it’s happened. I said, ‘Maybe teaching’s not for
you!’”

ANNOUNCEMENT…
I love announcements as soon as you go on stage as they draw
in the audience, who think you’re being serious, and then if
you hit them with a gag, it gets a BIG laugh. This will work for
stand up (OR close-up, with a slight tweak to the script).

“Unfortunately, due to an accident in rehearsal I won’t be performing my

amazing ‘PIG FROM A CANNON’ trick tonight. However, the good news is
that there will be some fantastic bacon sandwiches for sale during the
interval…”

*If you’re approaching a table, then use it as the first thing you say,
as it’s a funny intro to break the ice.

31
 BIG PACKAGE
Here’s a little gag which I came up with for a friend of mine –
the talented David Terrence.

He put it in to his act and it regularly gets the biggest laugh of the
night. I went to see him when he was performing near to where I live,
and it got a huge laugh. It’s so easy and so simple.

Whenever you are going to have a prediction for one of your tricks,
place the prediction into a LARGE envelope, no matter how small the
actual prediction itself is. And hand it to a man in the audience (or
sitting at the table if doing close-up). When you are ready, simply ask:
“Is there anyone with a big package?” Everyone will laugh. And, when the
man, calls out that HE DOES – it will get an even bigger laugh.

Of course, this is a double-entendre – and the joke is in other people’s

minds, so when you ask the question, do so seriously! Try it and see
the reaction. Sometimes the simplest things are the best!

ACTION MAN
Here’s a funny little trick where all you have to do is force the
card of your choice on to a spectator. You’ll need an ‘action
man’ (toy figure) that can talk when you pull the little cord on
his chest. You can get these cheap on eBay or from places such
as second-shops/garage sales. Anyway, it won’t cost you much
money…

Effect: A spectator selects a card (just make sure it’s a HEART), and
have it returned in to the deck. You fail to find the card, so say that you
have a special mindreading action-man with you! (The more you make
the action man look like a mindreader the better. If you could make
a ‘mindreader’s turban’ with a jewel on it, that would be great! And a
long coat. Maybe get a coat from a Barbie doll!?)

32
When you can’t find the spectator’s card, say that the mystical ‘Action
Man’ will find your card. You proceed to pull the cord on his chest.
Whatever he says, you say: “Oh, I can translate that! That means: “The
card is in my underpants!”

Show you have nothing in your hands. Then roll up your sleeve and
say: “I’m going in!” Open his cloak to reveal ‘action man’s underpants.
Ask what SUIT their selected card was. They’ll reply, “A HEART!” (If
you’ve made some unfashionable underpants for him, even better!).
There’s obviously a card in there, folded in to four. You reach inside
and utter the immortal line (shamelessly stolen from Nathan Kranzo –
and perhaps the greatest one-liner ever used in a trick – in my humble
opinion). “What did you say the suit was?” (They say ‘Heart’ again). You
say – as you stick your fingers in to his underpants – “Are you sure it’s a
HEART? It feels more like a CLUB!” Of course, the folded card turns out
to be the spectator’s. This will be a duplicate card of course.

THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE

Effect: The magician
places a penny into a
triangle which is on
top of a playing card.
He takes another
playing card, moves
it in a circular motion
over the top of the penny, taps it, and the penny completely vanishes.
Where is it? He lifts the playing card underneath the triangle, and
there it is!

Preparation: You need to pick any picture card (Jack/Queen or King).

Stick a 1mm x10mm magnet in the middle of the card on the back.
Then stick any other card over this so you have a ‘normal’ looking
card with a magnet stuck in the middle of it. For our example let’s say
you’ve used the Jack of Clubs.

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 Now get 2 x new 1 penny that look about as worn as each other. The
new pennies are attracted to magnets. You need a duplicate Jack of
Clubs – get one of the pennies and stick it on to the back of your
duplicate card, right in the middle. Then cut around it as best you can.
You’ll now have a penny which has the pattern of a card on one side.
Final preparation: You’ll need a triangle cut out of paper, big enough
so that you can punch a hole big enough for a penny to sit inside.
You’ll also need a joker. (But any card will do, really).

Here’s what you do!

1. Place the NORMAL penny on to the table and place the joker playing
card on top of it, so no one can see it!
2. Now place the little triangle on top of the card.
3. Hold the penny with the pattern on, so the pattern side is NOT
facing the audience. Show the normal side and say: “I am going to
put a penny inside the Bermuda Triangle...” And place it in the middle
of the triangle, with the pattern side downwards. “You know that
things which go in to the Bermuda Triangle tend to disappear, don’t
you? Watch carefully!”
4. Now pick up the playing card which you have left (this has a magnet
secretly hidden in the middle, and the coin with the pattern on is
also magnetic).
5. Slowly move the card in a circular motion over the top of the penny
in the triangle... “One, two, three, give it a little tap (tap the coin with the
middle of the card) ...and the penny vanishes!” (It will be now stuck to
the card, and because of the pattern on the coin is the same as the
card, no one will be able to see it if you show it just for a second).
Now you can throw the card to one side and say: “So where did the
penny go? It went through the triangle, through the card, and on to
the table...” (As you say this, lift-up the triangle and the card, to show
the penny on the table!).

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THE PAPER BAG
Here’s a funny little close-up thing. You’ll need a paper bag
(like the one’s they have at McDonalds) or similar.

What happens? Ask for a spectator who doesn’t mind having a

paper bag placed over their head. Then ask them if they’ve ever been
hypnotised! (This usually gets a laugh for some reason!) “But before
we begin, can you examine this deck of cards?” (hand them a deck) “Are
there any obvious markings on the back of the cards?” (They say ‘No’).
You reply,

“Oh, well I’ve brought the wrong deck then!”

You take the cards off them and place them on to the table right in
front of them.

Pretend to hypnotise them: “I’m going to count backwards from 5-to-

1, during which time you’ll fall in to a deep, hypnotic trance.

Once they are ‘under’, say: “I’m going to try and make you pick a card
which is ONLY IN MY MIND – while you are hypnotised. I will now place this
bag on to your head so that you will freely select a card. Firstly, (say this
to the other people at the table) do you think David (name) is happy with
his head in a paper bag…? (Pause) “Of course he is!” (As you say this you
twist the bag around to show a big smile drawn on to the bag. This
always gets a big laugh). As people are laughing, place your finger to
your lips and switch the deck in front of the hypnotised guest!! No one
will say anything – people love being a part of a ‘set-up!’

Then ask the spectator to concentrate as you are going to guide

him using hypnotism to pick a certain card. He takes the cards
and chooses ONE, which he then keeps secret. (You have actually
switched the cards to a one-way force deck. If you can create some
good misdirection, you could do the switch and switch back without
ANYONE seeing. It’s up to you.).

35
 Once they have selected a card, switch the deck back to the normal
one without making a fuss.

“OK, let’s remove the paper bag”. And bring him out of his trance using
your acting skills! Now ask him to dramatically reveal his card, which
he does. You look disappointed for a few moments…

“Now, you may not believe my powers of hypnosis, but I did make a
prediction earlier on…” Take the paper bag, rip it open and on the inside,
written is the name of the card selected by the spectator. Encourage
everyone to clap and cheer – and they will, as they are in on the joke!
The spectator who volunteered will be blown away by it all!

*Another little idea which I did once was this: Once the bag is on
the spectator’s head, I signal for the people at the table to slowly
get up and go. Then you do the same while asking the spectator to
‘concentrate’. Leaving them on their own at a table with a bag on
their head with a drawn smile on the bag is really hilarious! Not a
trick at all, but soooo funny to watch them from a distance!

SEARCHING FOR ELVIS

A self-working card trick with a killer ending.

This is a great self-

working trick. Someone
showed me a trick similar
to this about five years
ago, and I changed it
around to make it more
appealing. I added the
Elvis ‘theme’ and the trick
instantly became more
commercial – a very
popular effect during the close-up section of my cruise act.

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Tuition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfLCUZYSIys&feature=
youtu.be
*This must be cut and pasted (or typed directly) into the GOOGLE
search bar.

Preparation: You’ll need a blue deck and remove any 12 cards – any
3 from each suit. The replace these 12 cards with the same 12 from
a RED deck. On the back of each of these red-backed cards, write the
name ‘ELVIS” with a permanent marker.

Set Up: Make sure the 12 Elvis cards are on the bottom of the deck,
and then place ANY TWO other cards below them. So, with the deck
FACE DOWN, you have loads of blue cards, then 12 red cards, and
finally 2 blue cards. You are now ready to begin!
1. Take the cards out of the box and show all the cards to be different
(FACE UP). Tell the spectator that the box represents ELVIS’S house
(called GRACELAND). “Elvis is lost somewhere in the deck, and
hopefully YOU are going to find him!”
2. Place the deck face-up on the table.
3: Cut the deck into two piles. You say: “If I cut the deck into 2 piles, I’d
like you to choose a pile for me! Which pile do you want ME to have?”
They proceed to select a pile for you.
4. If they select the pile which was the bottom half of the deck (with
Elvis cards in it), you say: “OK, so this pile is mine…(place this pile in
front of yourself) so let’s get rid of the others…” (put them back into
the box,) In this scenario, you now have the cards with the Elvis
ones in them.
5. If they select the pile for you that was the top half of the deck (that
don’t contain the Elvis cards), you say: “OK, so these are mine, and
these go into the box! Now, I’d like you to take your cards... and hold
them FACE UP…” (This is a GREAT force which seems totally fair!!).
6. Say: “OK, I’d now like you to concentrate on the cards and deal them
VERY SLOWLY on to the table one at a time, FACE UP.” (At this point
they have half the deck face up, which contain the Elvis cards. The
top two cards will be BLUE backed, followed by 12 Elvis red cards,
and then the rest of the cards will be blue).

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 7. Stress they must deal the cards SLOWLY and CONCENTRATE on
each card as they deal them face up, AND AS SOON AS THEY HAVE
PLACED THE SECOND CARD DOWN ON TO THE TABLE, SAY: “AND
STOP WHEREVER YOU LIKE...” Once the second card is placed down,
they now have 12 Elvis cards in which to stop on. As they are dealing
very slowly, most people stop on about the 6th or 7th card. If they
get to about 9 cards, say: “Don’t go on all night!” This will help them
to stop before they go past the 12 Elvis cards. COUNT HOW MANY
ELVIS CARDS THEY ARE DEALING, SO WHEN THEY STOP, YOU CAN
ADD, “Would you like the LAST card you dealt, or the very next one?”
(Both of these will be Elvis cards, so it doesn’t matter what they
select!).
8. Once they have stopped on an ELVIS card, pick up their card and
place it to one side. Say: “These are the cards you didn’t want...” As
you say this, you square-up the pile they dealt down, and turn the
cards over, so they are now face down in a neat pile. And then take
the remaining card they didn’t deal, and place them on top of the
pile, face down…

The spectator can see these are all blue-backed cars, without you
drawing attention to the fact. Now add, “And the rest of the cards are
in the box (take them out), have you noticed we’ve been using a blue deck
today?” (spread the cards you’ve just taken from the box, and show
the back, before placing them onto the pile of cards on the table).

“What I didn’t tell you is that there was ONE RED CARD IN THE DECK...AND
WE’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ELVIS... YOU DEALT THE CARDS, AND STOPPED
WHERE YOU WANTED, AND I DIDN’T TOUCH THE CARDS.... NOW TURN
OVER YOUR CARD!” (They turn over their card and it’s a red-backed
card with ELVIS written on it!!!).

FOOLPROOF METHOD: If you feel a bit uneasy about the spectator

stopping dealing the cards on an ELVIS card, do this once they have
the pile which contains the Elvis cards: “Do you know the month that
ELVIS had his first ever HIT RECORD?” (They’ll say ‘No!’) Take the cards
and say: “ YOU deal two cards onto the table and then give them the
rest, face up. “Deal one card for each month and stop on the month
that YOU THINK Elvis had his first ever hit – and I’ll try and manipulate

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your mind to stop you on a particular card!” Of course, there are only
12 months, and 12 Elvis cards, so you can NEVER get it wrong. Then
proceed with the rest of the routine - picking up the cards etc, like in
the routine above!

SARDINES
Here’s a little gag to do just before the reveal of a card that has
vanished from the deck.

Do which-ever effect you have where a card has vanished and you
need to do the reveal. (Ham this up a bit, dramatically!). “So, you
selected a card and it’s now vanished – and you’re probably wondering
where it went to? I want you to check that my hands are empty…” (show
hands, and then slowly reach in to your pocket and bring out a tin of
sardines… You need to do this as if you are going to produce the card
from the tin). “I know you are dying to know where your card is…” Pull
back the lid of the Sardines, and take a look inside… then take out a
fork and poke around in the tin as if you are looking for something…
then you eat some of the sardines and say, “Oh thank god for that, I
haven’t eaten a thing all day! Now let’s carry on with the trick and see if we
can find your card…” If you do this in the right way, your spectator’s will
appreciate the humour.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be a tin of sardines, but for the gag to

work, it really must be something you can open dramatically, where
it would really be impossible for a card to be… as people’s minds will
be working overtime and they’ll be already assuming the card will be
in the tin… because of this assumption, the gag is much stronger than
you would think.

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 MONEY!
A little gag for close-up.
“I must tell you I’ve had a brilliant year this year so far. I did a gig last week
and got paid big money…” As you say ‘big money’ – bring out a giant
gold coin! (You can get these all year round online of from sweet/
candy shops)

OR… BIG MONEY

Tell your close-up spectator’s that you are feeling really great as you
went to a casino last night and won some really big money! (rub your
hands together as you say it!) Then take out an extra-large ten- pound
note! (You can get these from joke shops or on line. As long as it’s an
extra-large note, the joke works. “Like I said, I won some BIG MONEY!”

ONE-LINERS AND STUFF…

“I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her
make-up this morning. She looked surprised!”

“I’ve named my car ‘curiosity’ – that way I’m not lying when I say ‘Curiosity
killed our cat.’

“I started carrying a knife after I was involved in an attempted mugging

last year. Ever since then, my mugging success rate has gone up!”

“I had a bad experience last weekend. I stormed into a BMW dealership,

pushed-in the queue, punched an old day in the face, spat in the
receptionist’s face and kicked a disabled person. The manager rushed over
and said, ‘I’m sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave… you’re not a big
enough arsehole to drive one of our cars!’”

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WOODEN SPOON
Who does this wooden spoon belong to anyone? You madam? No?
That’s a shame… cos it’s got 50K attached to it!

(Have a wooden spoon with a roll of twenty-pound notes attached

to it with very thin fishing wire. Bring out the spoon - but leave the
roll of notes in your pocket – as you say the last part of the line, hold
the spoon in the air to reveal all the notes attached to it. Of course,
you only need to get a photocopy of a 20 and wrap it around a roll of
paper to make it look like a large amount of money!

GUITAR
Have a tiny guitar – perhaps to have a break during your magic
routines! “It’s time for a little break now, and I’m going to sing you my
latest song!!” Pretend to play a chord – “Oh, does anyone have a tuner?”
A spectator says, “I do!” And they hand you a tin of tuna!” Obviously,
you set this up beforehand! You say, “Unfortunately, that’s the wrong
sort of tuner! I’ll tell you what, I’ll show you some more magic…”

PICK & MIX!

Effect: The magician takes 20 cards out and counts off 10. These 10
are turned face up and the card are shuffled so that when they are
spread out on the table, some are face up, and some are face down.
They are obviously all mixed up. The magician then asks a spectator
to take any face-up card and turn it face down, while the magician
looks away. When this done, the magician picks up the cards, gently
shakes them – and then spreads them on the table. Amazingly, all the
cards are now face down, except for one single card – the card that
the spectator chose! This is a really brilliant trick!!

Secret: ten of the cards are normal, the other ten are double-backed
cards, which make this a fantastic self-working trick.

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 Set-Up: make sure the ten normal cards are on top of the 10 double-
backed cards – and that’s it!

To Perform: Bring out the pile of 20 cards and count off 10 and turn
them face-up, so it looks like you have a pile of face-up and a pile of
face-down cards. Tell the spectator that you are going to mix them up,
and you shuffle the deck. A riffle shuffle is probably best, making sure
the spectator doesn’t see that ten of the cards are double-backed. Or,
you can shuffle these any way you prefer.

The you spread them onto the table, saying: “You can see that all the
cards are mixed – face-up and face-down!” Then you say: “While my back
is turned, I want you to pick a single face-up card – remember it, and then
place it face-down anywhere in the spread of cards...” You turn your back
and let them do this.

Now gather the spread of cards together and turn them over in a
single pile, so that the card the spectator chose will now be face-up
somewhere in the 20-card pile.

Say: “You may recall that I genuinely mixed up all the cards, so that some
were face-up, and some were face-down... then you selected ONE SINGLE
CARD and placed it face down while my back was turned – and I couldn’t
possibly know which one, as there were lots of cards face-up AND face
down...

“Well, if I gently shake the cards... (proceed to shake them in your hand),
something amazing happens – the cards are trying to move in my hand – I
can feel them moving right now!!!!” Then you spread the cards on the
table to reveal that ALL THE CARDS ARE NOW ACE DOWN EXCEPT FOR
ONE SINGLE CARD – THE CARD THAT THE SPECTATOR SELECTED!!!

Try this out – the trick works itself because of the double-backed
cards. All you really have to remember is to turn over the cards once
the spectator has turned his selection face-down. It’s really easy. This
is a brilliant effect that you will love to perform!

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CUTTING EDGE MAGIC!
This is a self-working card trick, using no sleight-of-hand!

A freely selected card is lost in the deck. The spectator cuts the deck a
few times and then the performer predicts exactly how far down the
selected card is from the top of the deck!

Set Up: On the bottom of the deck have the ace-through-to King of
Spades. The ace will be on the bottom. (You can use any suit you
wish). You are now ready to go.

Perform: Spread the cards and have the spectator select one.
*They can choose any one, apart from any of the stacked suit you
have placed on the bottom of the deck. They remember their card
and place it back on top of the deck, and then you ask them to cut
the deck. Now, all you have to do is turn the deck face-up and ask
the spectator to cut the cards again… and again…in fact, they keep
cutting until they cut to ANY spade card (in our example). The more
they cut, the fairer it seems. YOU HAVE TO STOP ON THE FIRST SPADE
CARD THEY CUT TO. If they stop on a 7, their selected card will be the
seventh card from the top. A Jack means their card is 11th, Queen
12th, and King 13th.

When you turn the deck over, just have a quick re-cap about they
selected ANY card and have freely cut the cards a few times. Slowly
count off the cars, face down, before revealing their selected card!

The End!

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 T H A NK S T O . . .
Mike McClean, Bobo for a couple of effects, Nathan Kranzo, and
Phil Shaw.

*Graham Hey has been writing comedy for many years, producing
material for lots of performers - some at the top of the entertainment
ladder and others part way up! He posts jokes on several comedy
websites and has written quite a few other books of comedy stuff.

Check them out:

At That Funny Stage
The Comedy Buffet: All you can eat comedy!
Comedy For Swingers
Killer One Liners
The Comedy Cockpit
Inside The Cage: Funny Stuff for Kid’s Performers

Contact Graham: grahamhey2@aol.com

GRAHAM HEY

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