Emotions, Stress, & Human

Relations
Chapter 4
Module 4.1
Course Learning Outcomes

CLO 7 Demonstrate an understanding of human development across the lifespan,

psychological disorders, treatments and prognoses.
Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming but we can choose
which one to surf.

Jonathan Martensson
Questions…
This chapter addresses the following questions:

What can psychological research teach us about how our emotions contribute to misunderstandings
in social relationships?

What can we do to prevent our emotional reactions from causing problems in our relationships?

What factors influence our emotions? How can we use emotions to enhance relationships rather
than letting them create barriers?
4.1 The Study of Emotion
Traditional research: Emotion is noise and a barrier to the logical and rational thought we
so value.

Current Perspective:

Recently, though, psychologists have recognized the importance of understanding how

emotion influences our behavior in a wide variety of contexts and situations.

In fact, the current popularity of evolutionary psychology seems to provide support for the
idea that not only are our emotions not interference, but—on the contrary—they are
actually an important contributor to our survival and growth as a species. After all, feeling
instant fear at the sight of a predator does have its advantages.
Emotions are a wonderful
element of our humanity,
and provide important
signals to help us survive and
thrive.

We must manage them

wisely, however, to avoid
wipe-outs. Just as this boy is
learning to keep his balance,
we can learn how to maintain
our own balance on the
emotional surfboard of life.
Psychologists have studied emotions from two angles:

1. Biological Lens: How our brain and physiology influence our emotions

2. Cognitive lens: What role do our thoughts and mental processes play in our
emotions?
Emotions & Thoughts
Our emotions are inextricably linked to our thoughts. Essentially,
our emotions result not from our situation, but from how
we interpret that situation.
 it is how we interpret or
• interviewing for a new job internal thoughts perceive the event that
Cognitive interpretation
• barely avoiding a car accident that reinforce determines the emotion
of the event
• seeing an attractive person interpretation of an we end up feeling.
• having a difference of opinion activating event. Simply put, our thoughts
with a loved one influence our emotions.
Example: Sonja & Mark
When Mark unexpectedly bought a classic car, the event kicked off a series of
thought processes that led to certain emotions for each of them.

Both Mark and Sonja had different interpretations of the meaning of his purchase.

For both Mark and Sonja, their initial cognitive appraisal triggered a cascade of self-
talk that reinforced their initial appraisal.

Thus, the emotion each person felt developed as a result of their own unique
cognitive interpretation of the event. Our interpretations, you may recall from other
chapters, often grow out of our values.
Irrational Beliefs
Now that we know our cognitive appraisals are connected to our emotions, let’s look at some
common irrational beliefs, fantasies about the way the world (or other people, or ourselves)
should be, that can negatively affect our emotions.

1. Catastrophizing
2. Overgeneralization
3. The Myth of Causation
4. The Need for Approval
5. The Tyranny of Shoulds
6. Perfectionism
7. The Myth of Helplessness
CATASTROPHIZING is exaggerating the importance of a negative event.

Catastrophizing is like turning a breeze into a

tornado. The metaphor of a tornado also
illustrates how our irrational thoughts can spiral
out of control, whipping us into a frenzy if we
don’t stop and instead engage in some rational
self-talk.
Catastrophizing in Action

For example, imagine that it’s the first day of school, and
your bus is late. This is an activating event. If you tend to
catastrophize, you might interpret this as a disaster,
because your belief system tells you that it’s really
important to be on time the first day. Your self-talk might
go something like this: “Oh, no! I can’t believe it! Now
what am I going to do? I’ll look like a total loser showing
up late on the first day—if I even get there at all. I might
end up getting dropped from the class, which will mess
up my entire schedule! Classes are so full, I probably
won’t be able to get a replacement, then I’ll end up less
than full-time, and lose some of my financial aid. At this
rate, I’ll never finish school, and my whole life will be
ruined!”
Solution
“What can I do about the triggering event?”

Options:

Letting your professor know that you have a long commute

and sometimes may arrive few minutes late to class, so she
doesn’t drop you.

With this alternate interpretation, your emotion may still be

a little anxiety, but it would certainly be combined with
some sense of control and confidence in your ability to
handle the situation.
 OVERGENERALIZATION is exaggerating the frequency of an event, or making broad
assumptions based on limited evidence.

e.g., Saying that someone is a good student when the person is actually
good at math (but just average in other subjects)

e.g., Thinking that you are failing out when you do poorly on one exam
(but have done fine on others).

Solution? be more specific and accurate as you observe and describe situations that affect you.
Overgeneralizing in Relationships

For example, Yvette and Dani have been good friends for
several years. They are supposed to go to a movie Friday
night that starts at 7:30. Yvette is ready at 7:00, which is
the time Dani is supposed to pick her up. Yvette knows
that Dani often runs late, which Yvette hates because in
her view being on time is important. Yvette even offered to
drive, so they would be on time, but Dani promised her
she wouldn’t be late. Sure enough, Dani didn’t pick Yvette
up until 7:20. The whole time she was waiting Yvette
was trying to hold in her frustration. She kept thinking,
“I don’t understand why Dani can’t ever be on time.
She knows I really want to see this movie, and I hate
missing the first part. Why can’t she just get her act
together?” When Dani finally arrives, Yvette can’t hold
it in any longer and explodes: “Dani, you’re always
late! You are so irresponsible!”
Solutions?

What would have been a better alternative for Yvette ? How she could have acted
differently?

Yvette’s exaggeration of frequency of Danny’s lateness interfered with her ability to discuss
the problem calmly with Dani.

If Yvette stopped to think about it calmly, she would have remembered the times Dani had
been on time and she wouldn’t be so angry.

Her anger caused by irrational belief (Dany is always late) interfered her ability to discuss
Dani productively.
MYTH OF CAUSATION is belief that one person’s emotions are the direct result of
another person’s actions.

e.g., thinking it is your fault when someone important to you was out of sorts

e.g., saying to someone “You make me so mad!”

One way this myth affects our human relations is by inhibiting some people from being honest,
for fear of hurting someone’s feelings.
The Myth of Causation

Imagine if one of your good friends has the habit of drinking too
much when you go out together, and then insists on driving
home. Many people respond to this situation by not saying
anything for fear of upsetting the other person, but this is a
powerful example of when you’re doing more harm than good
by holding back. If you do decide to speak up, you might say
something like, “Since you drove us here, how about I drive us
home?” Or, you could be even more direct and say, “Hey buddy, I
think you’ve had a few too many. How about letting me drive?”
In either case, if the other person gets mad, that anger is his
emotion and his responsibility—it is not your fault. You were
simply trying to look out for yourself and your friend; his angry
response was based on his belief system and his self-talk.
Another person might have responded to your statement in a
different way, perhaps with serious gratitude for your friendship.
In either case, you said the same thing in the same way, so how
can your statement be the cause of two different reactions?
Scenario
If a friend or co-worker continually does something that bothers you, but you don’t
say anything about it to him because you don’t want to “make him upset,” what
happens to your feelings?

You may begin to feel frustrated with the other person because of his behavior. But
would that be rational or fair, since you’ve never spoken up about it?
Solution

Communicate your concern to the other person honestly. If they get upset; it is their issue not
yours. This way you have given them a chance to become aware and also explain/clarify their
position.

They will either accept to change the behavior and meet you half-way or not. If not, you can
decide whether to continue the relationship or make adjustments on your end (i.e., see them less
frequently, not be as open or friendly as before or even end the relationship)
NEED FOR APPROVAL is the belief that you are okay only if everyone else approves of you.

The need for approval becomes irrational, in a couple of cases.

1. When you begin to compromise your own beliefs or principles to please the other person.

2. When we start to think that everyone must like us. As pleasant as this fantasy may be, it
simply isn’t realistic.

If your need for their approval overrides your own belief

system and sense of self, you might end up going along with
their beliefs just so they will like you. This type of behavior
has disastrous results in social relationships.
 TYRANNY OF SHOULDS is the belief that you, other people, or the world in general, ought
to think and act in a way that fits your belief system.

e.g., “I should be able to handle this.”

e.g., “She should be more understanding,” or “He shouldn’t criticize me so much”?

Solution: It is crucial to our health and well-being to learn to let go of this irrational belief,
accept that bad things sometimes happen to good people, and move on.
PERFECTIONISM is expecting yourself to achieve perfection in tasks, relationships,
communication, or other goals.

E.g., posing an irrational belief onto yourself “I should know how to do this,” or
“I should be able to handle this,”

Who says you should be able to? Even if you still think you should be able to,
what good does it do to beat yourself up about it?

Instead, either do something about it, or let it go. Accept that what you’re
doing isn’t working and go at the problem in another way.
Overcoming Perfectionism

For example, if you are having a problem in your

biology class, and you keep telling yourself that you
should be able to understand the subject, you aren’t
getting anywhere. Instead, take some action—
starting by accepting the fact that you don’t
understand—and seek some tutoring or attend the
professor’s office hours for some help. Even if you
never get the grade you think you “should” get,
accept that we all have our strengths and
weaknesses—maybe biology just isn’t your strong
point. Think about what you are good at and focus
more attention on that. The emotional frustration
caused by perfectionism is unnecessary stress, so
don’t put yourself through it.
MYTH OF HELPLESSNESS assumes you are stuck in a bad situation and cannot do anything
about it.

Solution: You always have a choice, you can consider your alternative options
The Overall Lesson? Don’t Awfulize!

What we can control are our reactions to these events.

Let’s enable ourselves to get in the driver’s seat and manage our
emotions effectively—for the good of our own health and well-being, in
addition to the health and well-being of our important relationships.
The key lies in first recognizing the belief systems that color your interpretations,
and then replacing the irrational beliefs with more accurate interpretations and
self-talk

• When you find yourself having a strong emotional reaction to an activating

event, take a mental “time out” and reflect on the situation for a few minutes.

• Start by examining your self-talk, and identify which irrational beliefs are
intensifying your emotional reaction.

• Then, consider more rational interpretations of the activating event and create
new, more effective self-talk that supports the more rational interpretations.