CONTINUED FROM EMOTIONS.

DOC

The greatest problem with office dating is that it's impossible to avoid the power aspect of your relationship. Ask someone who is a subordinate to go out on a date and you've crossed the line, you've compromised your professionalism and put them into an extremely difficult situation. The trite clich of the boss and his secretary (rarely the boss and her secretary) is problematic for exactly this reason: is the secretary saying yes because she fears for her long term employment prospects or because she thinks the boss is wonderful? Then there's the all-important question of what happens when the relationship ends? It's a bit much to expect that your co-worker, boss, or employee can keep their feelings out of the office, and it won't take long for the rest of the group to push both parties out or raise a red flag to top-level management, or even just leave, en masse, in disgust. In the end, I can't blanket say "never date anyone in your office", but I will offer a few words of advice: first off, don't date anyone in your direct chain of corporate command. Just don't do it. Secondly, if you do encounter each other in frequent meetings, client presentations, or similar, one of you should go find a job with a different company. If neither's willing to make that level of sacrifice for the blossoming relationship, well, that might be an important statement about the value of the relationship to both parties, mightn't it? Finally, just go and get a life instead. Spend less time working and more time doing other stuff, things that expand your horizons, enhance your life, improve your health and that increase your chance of finding and meeting nice people outside of a professional setting. Me? I met my wife fifteen years ago through an event sponsored by the Sierra Club.

To keep relationships close even when you are far away:

Send pictures through snail mail or the computer. Post videos online just for grandparents to see of your kids doing everyday activities. Encourage your kids to call and talk to their grandparents. Have kids who can type exchange emails with grandparents. Make a tradition of sending monthly care packages to grandparents of kids artwork or cookies you baked together, and maybe grandparents will form their own care packages to send in return. Send invitations to birthday parties and other events, even if grandparents cant attend. It lets them know what is going on in their grandchildrens lives Remembering the golden rule
Without a doubt, the greatest human relations principle is to treat other people like you want to be treated. Friendship requires many qualities unselfishness, genuine care for the other person, and the ability to listen when the other person needs to talk, to name a few. When you show respect for your friends and gratitude for their friendship, you'll be blessed in untold ways.

While work does not have to become your entire life, you do spend a significant amount of time there. Having positive relationships with your coworkers can make a boring job more interesting, and turn a job you like into a job you love. Being the new person at a job isn't easy, but everyone needs at least one office buddy!

1. Smile like you mean it. Greet people when you cross paths in the halls. Make small talk in the elevator and the kitchen. Offer advice--or at least sympathy--when the printer jams. Small gestures like this seem inconsequential, but go a long way toward establishing you as a friendly, approachable person, which makes your coworkers much more likely to extend friendship to you in return. 2. Make lunch time social time. If your department has a scheduled lunch break, tag along with a group, or ask one of your office neighbors to a restaurant you enjoy. 3. Go with the flow. Attend company social functions, even ones as minor as Friday evening happy hour. You're not obligated to drink or stay out past your bedtime; just showing up for half an hour to make small talk gives the impression that you like your coworkers and want to spend a little time with them outside the office.

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4. Be a team player. If you're feeling pretty comfortable with your office relationships, try organizing a post-work get-together, or take charge of arranging a birthday celebration. This can take you from being a willing participant to being the source of fun, and really boost your popularity around the office. 5. Know your limits. Those without strong social butterfly inclinations should not feel left out of the fun. Spend your break time in the office social hub--the break room or the coffee shop across the street--and have a chat with whomever comes in. Pop into other people's cubicles on your walk to the supply closet, just to say hello. You certainly don't have to throw parties to make a few friends on the job. 6. Keep at it! You never know what you have in common with your coworkers if you don't talk to them! Eventually your efforts will pay off. Maybe you'll get offered a spot on the company softball team, or find out that the secretary loves kung fu movies as much as you do. It may take a few weeks of idle chatting and awkward smiles, but those 40 hours a week will go a little faster once you have friends to spend them with.

S
A supervisor in a several hundred person company quickly earned a reputation for not playing well with others. He collected data and used the data to find fault, place blame, and make other employees look bad. He enjoyed identifying problems but rarely suggested solutions. He bugged his supervisor weekly for a bigger title and more money so he could tell other employees what to do. When he announced he was job hunting, not a single employee suggested that the company take action to convince him to stay. He had burned his bridges. These are the top seven ways you can play well with others at work. They form the basis for effective work relationships. These are the actions you want to take to create a positive, empowering, motivational work environment for people.

Bring suggested solutions with the problems to the meeting table. Some employees spend an inordinate amount of time identifying problems. Honestly? That's the easy part. Thoughtful solutions are the challenge that will earn respect and admiration from coworkers and bosses

Don't ever play the blame game. You alienate coworkers, supervisors, and reporting staff. Yes, you may need to identify who was involved in a problem. You may even ask the Deming question: what about the work system caused the employee to fail? But, not my fault and publicly identifying and blaming others for failures will earn enemies. These enemies will, in turn, help you to fail. You do need allies at work.

Your verbal and nonverbal communication matters. If you talk down to another employee, use sarcasm, or sound nasty, the other employee hears you. We are all radar machines that constantly scope out our environment. In one organization a high level manager said to me, "I know you don't think I should scream at my employees. But, sometimes, they make me so mad. When is it appropriate for me to scream at the employees?" Answer? Never, of course, if respect for people is a hallmark of your organization.

Never blind side a coworker, boss, or reporting staff person. If the first time a coworker hears about a problem is in a staff meeting or from an email sent to his supervisor, you have blind sided the coworker. Always discuss problems, first, with the people directly involved who "own" the work system. Also called lynching or ambushing your coworkers, you will never build effective work alliances unless your coworkers trust you. And, without alliances, you never accomplish the most important goals.

Keep your commitments. In an organization, work is interconnected. If you fail to meet deadlines and commitments, you affect the work of other employees. Always keep commitments, and if you can't, make sure all affected employees know what happened. Provide a new due date and make every possible effort to honor the new deadline.

Share credit for accomplishments, ideas, and contributions. How often do you accomplish a goal or complete a project with no help from others? If you are a manager, how many of the great ideas you promote were contributed by staff members? Take the time, and expend the energy, to thank, reward, recognize and specify contributions of the people who help you succeed. This is a no-fail approach to building effective work relationships.

Help other employees find their greatness. Every employee in your organization has talents, skills, and experience. If you can help fellow employees harness their best abilities, you benefit the organization immeasurably. The growth of individual employees benefits the whole. Compliment, recognize, praise, and notice contributions. You don't have to be a manager to help create a positive, motivating environment for employees. In this environment, employees do find and contribute their greatness.

If you regularly carry out these seven actions, you will play well with others and develop effective work relationships. Coworkers will value you as a colleague. Bosses will believe you play on the right team. You'll accomplish your work goals, and you may even experience fun, recognition, and personal motivation. Work can't get any better than that

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How to Succeed Trying Again to Make Your Relationship Work

by Love Coach Rinatta on December 3, 2005 in Articles on Break-ups and Divorce,Articles on Dating,Articles on Marriage,Articles on Relationships
Many couples go through struggles, fights, problems, issues and almost get to the brink of a break-up or divorce. Yet they love each other, are attached to each other, or are not ready to give up on what may be true love. This is a good thing its good to keep trying to make love work. But how do you get the trying again right and how do you survive the in-between time, when the relationship is not yet working exactly as both of you would like? Here are the steps and activities the couple must engage in for the trying again to be successful. You will also find the actions each person should take by him/herself to survive while the relationship is being repaired.

Do this for the trying again to work: 1. Figure out what went wrong in your relationship. For this to work both of you must honestly look at what you did to get your relationship to its current state. Its better that each of you try to take more of the blame rather than less of the blame. All defensiveness must be set aside, all excuses thrown out the window, so you can look honestly at what happened. If you want help, I am an excellent relationship diagnostician. In one coaching session I can tell you exactly what went wrong with your relationship and show each of you which issues you need to work on. Find out about setting up a coaching session here. 2. Get to work on yourselves. Work on those issues and personality traits which got you and your relationship into trouble. Work on these issues wholeheartedly, because if you dont you will lose the relationship. Do everything in your power to turn your issues around. Read all the helpful books you can get your hands on. Take courses and ecourses. Get yourself a coach or therapist. Take significant action daily to show each other you care and value each other and your relationship. This is one of the most critical steps you can take to succeed in trying again. Use the tools at the relationship help center at WhatItTakes.com to help yourself and your relationship. 3. Deal with the pain the two of you have caused each other. When ready, each of you will have to talk about the pain caused by the other, with that person listening intently and taking it in. You both will need to share the pain, listen to each other and find a way to truly forgive and start anew. For help on how to get this done, get the Increase Intimacy in Your Relationship eCourse . 4. Talk to each other. Make sure you communicate clearly with each other about what you want and expect in the relationship. Next, make sure that you both know what each one of you is agreeing to achieve. Talk about your feelings and experiences. Share with each other what you are discovering in your personal work. And sometimes just talk about the weather or wh ats going on your life. Use communication to connect. But do not only communicate and do nothing else this is where most couples who are trying again get into trouble. They reconnect, but do not make changes to support the connection and eventually destroy the relationship by the same actions which got them into trouble in the first place. 5. Create joyful moments together, even if they start out small. Spend snippets of time together, just being close. At the same time, do not throw yourself back into the thick of the relationship until the hard personal work has been done by both of you. You do not want to risk the fragile nature of a trying again relationship by overwhelming it with untransformed issues.

How to survive the trying again sanely: 1. Get daily support. Help on a daily basis is priceless. Nothing keeps you moving towards what your heart wants like daily inspiration. Get daily inspiration, comfort, insight, encouragement, love, support and wisdom so that you can remember to think positive thoughts and maintain a positive attitude. Feed yourself with positive encouragement so that you can have more resources and patience during this period. Try the positive daily messages at www.whatittakes.com/dailydose

2. Face your greatest fears about the relationship: Face Face Face Face Face your greatest fear about the relationship your greatest wants and desires for the relationship the feelings of possibly not having what you want the feelings of losing the relationship your fear of disappointment and heartache

In facing your fears, you will confront those worst-possible scenarios which, when they are not faced, make it hard to be in the in-between time of waiting for the relationship to work. Facing the possibilities you fear will give you power and peace. 3. Come up with a strategy of what you will do if you greatest fears come true. Put the strategy down on paper and brainstorm or research real-world solutions and steps to take in case your relationship does not work out as planned. Having this strategy will give you your power back, and help you realize that you will be fine either way. Give yourself the comfort of knowing that, regardless of the situation, you will still be able to take care of yourself and your life. 4. Practice a spiritual discipline such as meditation, prayer, communing with nature, sitting quietly, going to church, etc. What you seek is training in how to be with what IS. Spiritual discipline can teach you how to accept the now when its not what you want and not what you hoped for and not what you would choose for yourself. Learning to be with what IS will teach you how to have peace in any circumstance. 5. Work on gratitude. So often when important situations in life are not going as we want, we tend to throw out the baby with the bath water. We discount or ignore the other things that are going well. Gratitude for those things that are going well will help you feel better and have more patience and resilience for the trying again in your relationship. A practice of making or reviewing a gratitude list each day can make a big difference in the level of happiness and well-being you experience. 6. Keep to a healthy routine and take care of yourself well. Go for walks. Go to sleep early. Meditate. Drink plenty of water. Get support. Do activities that bring you joy. Eat good food. Do things you like doing. The more you take care of yourself, the more resilience you can bring to your relationship situation and the more patient you will be in the trying again process. 7. Do your personal work. Dig into your personality and your issues. Look at what brought you to this point in your relationship. Forget about your partner for the moment and look at why you are here, what you are trying to work out, what part of your personality gets something out of the situation. Work with a coach or a counselor, read books, or take workshops to help yourself grow. 8. Go deeper into your career, your work, your family or your volunteer activities. While you and your partner are trying to work things out, and you dont yet know where the relationship will end up, dig into other meaningful areas of your life. Give time and effort to those parts of your life that bring rich returns, but that you dont normally have time to attend to. 9. Allow happiness. So often when major situations are not working as we wish them to be, we feel guilty for having happiness in other areas of life. It is as if there we have to be loyal to the unhappiness. Give yourself permission to be happy and to laugh. Give yourself moments of happiness by doing those things that give you the opportunity to be happy. So how do you make this trying again the last time you have to try again and the beginning of something truly wonderful and magical between the two of you? Dont just get together and hope that this time it will magically work out. Put in time and effort and grow both of yourselves and the relationship. Be patient with each other and commit yourselves to

personal growth. Only then will your effort of trying again reap the rewards of a lasting, deep, fulfilling relationship.

From the Heart,

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joan May 14, 2011 at 10:13 am

I fell in love with a really wonderful person and just as life was getting good he started to show me the abandonment parts of his life even when i have nothing to do with his abandonment issues he blames them on meYour artilce was beyond excellent i want to use some of your suggestions to try to make it work.,. but am i not being realisitc about what can change with in him to make it work!!!

Reply

RJ May 2, 2011 at 6:49 am

After an 18 month relationship, we broke up for about a month and decided to go back. Things are so different now. The magic we once had is now gone, he seems to be very distant. I want this to work, but dont quite know how.

Reply

Matt February 28, 2011 at 11:24 pm

I really like this article, I was in my relationship for three and a half great years and she decided to break it off out of the blue and told me that she is not happy anymore and that Im not changing. We met up a few days later and had a good long talk and in the end it was still a little unclear what needed to happen but we were able to get everything off our chests in what went wrong and what we want in the future. She wanted to take it very slow and start off sometime by meeting up for coffee, however I called her every few days and dragged on conversations with her and talked more about other peoples problems and the things I was changing already, which was a mistake as I realize she wants to see the change eventually and not hear about it all the time. She told me a couple weeks later a lot of things that contradicted her self and what she had been saying earlier and told me that she loves me but she is not in love with me anymore and that she has not thought about me at all the last few weeks. I tried to explain to her that I have damaged things in the relationship so bad over the last year that I can understand yes she may not be in love with me anymore but I have to change the things that I have been doing the last year and have been doing to my self due to depression and laziness and getting to comfortable in a routine that was unhealthy in all aspects. I miss her and love her more than she will ever know, Ive changed a lot of things in the last month and am very proud of my self for the changes that I have made for my self. The last conversation we had left things kind of open but I do feel she said a lot of things out of anger cause I was not listening to what she wanted which was time and space, both for her and me to recognize the things I need to change for my self and not for her as she believed that I was changing just to be what she always wanted however I am making the changes now due to the rude awakening she gave me and the power she has given me to find my true self and to be the man that I know I am and have always wanted from my self. I really hope when I call her again in time that we start off slow as friends like she wanted and grow together back in to a relationship and become stronger after this and never look back. I really need to hope that things can work out for us and never give up both on change and on her.

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Unknown February 5, 2010 at 7:10 am

I love my girlfriend and we are or were engaged but we hit a big bump in our relationship and now she cant seem to forgive me she now i lover her and she says she loves me to idk what to do idk what to think the pain is big and my heart is weak i want you know that i want us to be but what would it be if we cant see i love you baby and im sorry i did i just dont wanna lose you your the best thing that ever happened to me and i want us to get married and be happy like we use to before everything happened i truly do miss you i need you baby .-= Unknowns last blog ..By: tammy =-.

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tammy September 16, 2009 at 3:09 pm

i love this article. ima talk to my boyfriend about everything.we have been going out on and off for 5 months , and we both love eachother so muchh.we just started goin back out again.but lately our relationship has been on the rocks and im trying my best to make it stronger cause im scared of losin him hes the only one i can say i want to have a family with and want to spent the rest of my life with.its just really hardd.

Reply

christena November 21, 2007 at 1:33 pm

I loved your article. It gave me very insightful ideas to help me keep my broken down relationship together.The baby is involed and at least we both agree that both parents in a childs life is important.

Reply

Cheryl May 23, 2007 at 12:23 pm

Im embarking on rekindle a relationship with my ex-husband. We are trying to make this work. But I am scared and not sure if Im making the right decision. He has hurt me so much in the past, and even during our time of reconciling he let another woman spend the night, although he stated nothing happened, this is part of his MO. I want so much to trust him, but

I am afraid to give him my heart for him to hurt me again. Im looking for ways to trust and rekindle, but Im running out of energy really fast.

Reply

TONYA January 7, 2007 at 7:56 am

I MADE A MISTAKE. I WENT TO MEET SOMEONE FOR A DRINK AND LAUHGS AND NOW THE LAUGH IS ON ME. I LOVE MY MAN MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD AND NOW I HAVE HURT HIM SO BAD.AND NOW IF HE WILL JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE TO SHOW HIM I LOVE HIM AND I WILL NEVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN. IT IS TOUGH TO GET BACK THE TRUST HE ONCE HAD WITH ME, BUT IF IT TAKES OUR LIFETIME I WILL PROVE TO HIM THAT I LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING.I LOVE YOU BABY

Reply

chaicork March 7, 2006 at 1:59 pm

It seems whenever I try to find material to fit my situation I find the focus on the love foundation stuff. I am not saying its pithy at all. It just doesnt fit because we dont love eachother. Were trying again and again and again because we have children (me) and we dont want to fail (us) and we dont think anyone else has it any better in the end so why jump out of the frying pan and into the flame (him.) So, without the love foundation, what are we to build on?

Reply

Lotus March 5, 2006 at 6:38 pm

I found this article very helpful for me, in trying to focus on what is most important in trying to survive beyond the first five months of my marriage. I have decided to give this marriage at least a years commitment, before considering other optionsand its the hardest thing Ive ever done! I have found it difficult dealing with my husbands angry outbursts, his isolation, and his apparent inability to be close and loving, and plan for the future together. My fairy tale bubble has broken, and the day-to-day realities listed in this article are good focus for me. The daily rejection and loneliness is difficult, although it helps to consider that these are expressions of his problems and issues more than mine. Im continuing to learn through each of my relationships, and growing stronger through them. I recommend Imago Therapy (a local therapist in trained in this technique) for dealing with issues from ones family of origin. Thanks for writing all!

Reply

Kristabelle July 25, 2011 at 8:07 am

Wow, thats a rlleay clever way of thinking about it!

Reply

Trixie December 11, 2005 at 2:59 pm

Great article Coach! I can relate to try again (more than twice) without the right approach. Trying again is not repeating the same scripts or behaviours, hoping that this time will delete the previous experiences within the relationship. I think if we have to try again in a relationship, it is because that relationship has already created baggage. That baggage has to be accepted, but not repeated. I tried that way, but, my ex partner had his own perspective and didnt want to lose that feeling of the perfect relationship by acknowledging the wrong turns we took. Anyway, Thank you for making it so clear Trix

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"Rinatta has an ability to strike the right chords on a deep level, penetrating to the root of unhealthy relationship patterns in your life and causing them to shift. Only a few months after meeting Rinatta, my entire life has dramatically changed and my perception of myself and what I can attract has transformed. This is not work for the faint-hearted, as she often says what you need to hear more than what you want, however for people looking for lasting results Rinatta delivers." ~ Sarah Lambert, BodyInsights.com

Copyright 20052011, Love Coach Rinatta. All rights reserved. HG

We get out of the habit of talking to new people fairly quickly, but its an important skill. New people bring innovation and possibilities to your attention. Even beyond the necessity of networking in order to help your career, making new friends can help keep you from stagnating, from sinking into the same routine day in and day out. There are a few actions you can take to improve your relationshipbuilding skills.

1. Go to where the people are! Volunteer for a big event, attend a conference or join a club. While its possible to meet people hanging around the local coffee shop, it can be harder your prospective contact may not be interested in interacting with anyone except the barista. However, at events and club activities, people show up ready to talk. 2. Make eye contact. I borrowed this technique from one of the Comfort Challenges in Tim Ferriss The 4-Hour Workweek: Ferriss suggests spending two days when you make eye contact with people you encounter, from those you already know to those you see on the street.

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Beyond becoming comfortable with new people, this activity gives you an opportunity to make conversation, even if it starts out on the What are you looking at? level. Prepare an elevator speech. An elevator speech is a 30 second pitch, a description of your project, which I know sounds like more of a marketing skill than a relationship-builder. But being able to boil down who you are and what you do can jumpstart a conversation especially if your pitch piques interest. Some people rely on elevator speeches that showcase what they can do for their new contacts, while others rely on pitches that demonstrate what a contact can do for them. Either way, its worth thinking about why you want to make new contacts, and including that information in your elevator pitch. Dont limit your options. I know most of my fellow election judges are much older than me (60 seems to be the average age, even with me bringing it down), which isnt the age group I have the most in common with. Just because I dont have much in common with them, however, doesnt mean that I should ignore them. Personally, I think it means I should talk to them more I can learn more from someone with very different experiences. Carry business cards, or some other method of providing your contact information. Business cards arent necessary, but they do make life easier, especially if you want to give other people an easy method of staying in touch. Even a simple card with just your name, phone number and email address is worthwhile your goal may not be to make connections for your employer, so using their cards could be less than ideal. Avoid wasting time. I know that I hate people that drone on and on about something I have no interest in. I feel like theyre wasting my time. I try to avoid doing it to anyone else, either. Instead, I make a point of holding a conversation you know, that thing where all parties get a chance to talk with a topic that is (hopefully) interesting to everyone concerned. A further caveat: I also always try to be genuine. It isnt too hard to tell if someone isnt and that can feel like just as much of a waste of time as a droner. Write down details. I forget names, dates and details regularly, so I make an effort to write things down. I find business cards are great for this sort of thing: if I have a persons business card, I write on the back when and where I met them and why, along with relevant details. I also add this sort of information to the notes field that most electronic address books offer. Follow up on your new connections. If you get a business card, a phone number or even a website, make a point of following up. Without any sort of follow up, that great connection that you just made will never see you again, which doesnt make for a very effective relationship. And, if you said you were going to do something (pass along a name to a friend, email a link, etc.), just do it! Dont stress. Its okay if a few fishies get away. You dont absolutely have to make every contact possible, and you certainly dont have to maintain ongoing relationships with every person you meet. Its not worth worrying about. Instead, try to focus on making the most of a small number of contacts, Even one new connection can be worthwhile, if youre willing to devote some time to furthering the relationship.

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