“How to Succeed in Business ‘Without Really Trying” ACT I Scene 1 ExrERtor oF THE WorLD Wipe Wicket Company. At the end of the overture the house curtain goes up. A one-man window washing machine descends with FINCH on it. He is wearing a window washer’s cover. alls. He works on a window with @ squeegee and at the same time reads a pocket book, “How To Suc- ceed In Business Without Really Trying.” We don't see FINCH’s face immediately. We then hear the voice of the book telling what Fincur is reading. Book Voice: Dear Reader: This little book is de- signed’ to tell you everything you need to know about the science of getting ahead. (FIncy turns front toward the audience, and turns page in the book.) Now let us assume you are young, healthy, clear-eyed and eager, Se ————————L—Cs=“§ iness world. You can! Fincn: (Looking up) I can! (He continues looking at book.) Book Votcz: If you have education and intelligence and ability, so much the better. But remember that thou- sands have reached the top without any of these qualities. (Scafold lowers to the floor.) Just have courage and remorize the simple rules in the chapters that follow. If you truly wish to be among the lucky golden few, you can!4 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS acr 1 Fincu: I can! (He puts squeegee down in pail to his left. He begins to’ thumb through the book rapidly and Starts to sing.) HOW TO Fincu: How to apply for ajob . . . (Steps of scaffold.) How to advance from the mail room . . . (Sits on scaffold rail.) How to sit down atadesk . . . How to dictate memorandums . . . (Rises, crosses D.L. of C.) How to develop executive style . . . How to commute in a three button suit .. . With that weary executive smile. (Crosses t..) This book is all that Ineed . .-. “How to, How to succeed.” (Exterior building drop out, revealing various OFFICE PERSONNEL in a tableau showing office activity.) ACT 1 Scene 2 Corripor of THE WorLp Wipe WickET CoMPANY. | FINcH now stands among Prove, crosses to center and | continues singing. Fincu: How to observe personnel . . . How to select whom to lunch with . . . How to avoid petty friends . . . How to begin making contacts . . . How to. . (Fuxcx continues to look at book.) | eeACT 1 WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 5 Book Voice: How to choose the right company. Before applying for a job, make sure you have chosen the right company. It is essential that the company be a big one. It should be at least big enough so that nobody knows exactly what anyone else is doing. (FINCH then crosses UR, above JENKINS, listening to their conversation. After cach of the following conversations, the various Orrice PERSONNEL resume the frozen poses.) Gatcn: (u.R.) Say, Joe, I've got a complaint from our dealers in Cleveland .. . about that last shipment of wickets. They only got half their wickets. They ordered three hundred thousand. JENKINS: (L. of Gatch) I know, Mr. Gatch, but they wanted two-toned wickets and we ran out. (FINCH crosses 1. to Johnson.) JouNsoN: Ran out? What is this, a hot dog stand? Gatcu: Look, this is the World Wide Wicket Com- pany. We're supposed to be the largest single producer of wickets in the world. Jexxins: Now take it easy, Mr. Gatch. There was trouble at our eastern plant... a breakdown. Garcu: Well, get on the ball. I want to keep Cleveland wicket-minded. Jenkins: Yes, sir. (Crosses L. to Matthews, Finca crosses D.R. of C.) Oh, Mr. Matthews, any news about the breakdown? MattHews: (c.) Oh, I’m feeling much better. Peterson: (1. of c.) Oh, say, Tackaberry, did you get my memo? (Fincu crosses r. of Peterson.) TACKABERRY: (Turns R, to Peterson) What memo? PETERSON: My memo about memos. We're sending out too many memos and it’s got to stop. Tackanerry: All right, I'll send out a memo. (ALL still remain frozen.)6 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Fincwt: (Crosses z.) The right company! (Fincx puts book in wire mail basket held by OFFICE Boy far left, re- moves breakaway coveralls, tosses them offstage left, picks up book, begins to sing.) This book is all that Ineed . . . “How to, how to succeed.” (Fincu crosses x. ROSEMARY enters L., carrying folder of papers. OFFICE PERSONNEL break freeze and exit. J. B. BiccLey enters Rr. surrounded by Four HeNCHMEN. FINCH crosses R., bumps into BIGGLEY, knocks him down, HENCHMEN help him up, saying things like “Are you okay, Mr. Biggley?” etc.) Biccey: Never mind-never mind. (A roar.) Back to work, everybody! (Tuey all scuttle offstage. Rosemary goes a little more slowly and lingers at the left side, listening.) Biccey: (To Finck) You heard me! I said back to work! Fincw: (x. of Biggley) I’m sorry 1 bumped into you, sir, but I would like to apply for a job. Bicctev: A job? Do you know who I am? Fincu: No, sir. Bicctey: (Going right on) I'm J. B. Biggley. I’m pres- ident of this company, that's who I am. In fact, that’s who the hell I am. How dare you come to me for a job? Fincu: I’m sorry, sir, but... BiccLeY: Why do you think I have a personnel man? Why do you think I have a whole damned personnel de- partment? Son, you bumped into the wrong man. (Starts of x.) Damn damn coal-burning dithering ding ding ding. (He exits R.) Rosemary: (Crossing r.) I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to find a job. I've been through that kind of thing myself.|) na enineenateann seen nna pene ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 7 Fincu: Thank you, Miss. You're very kind. Could you tell me where the personnel office is? Rosemary: (Amazed) Personnel? (She points v.z.) It’s right there. Fincu: Thank you. (He starts for personnel, crossing L. below Rosemary.) Rosemary: (Crossing L. to c., stopping him) You... you're not discouraged? Fincu: (Crosses L.) Of course not. I’m prepared for exactly this sort of thing. Rosemary: (Crosses 1.) Say! My friend Smitty works in Personnel. Maybe she can help you. (Starts off x.) You wait here. (She exits R.) Fincu: (Calling after her) But, Miss, it’s not really . . . (He shrugs and starts for the personnel door u.t. Bratt comes out of door.) Bratt: (L. of Finch, stopping him) Where do you think you're going? FincH: To see the personnel manager, sir. Bratt: I'm the personnel manager and we're not hiring anyone today. (Crosses r. below Finck.) Fincu: Well, I was just speaking to Mr. Biggley . . . Bratt: (Stops, looks at him) Biggley? Fincu: Yes, sir. Bratt: J. B. Biggley? Fincu: Yes, sir. He told me to see you. (Smiles out front. Note: This smile is the first of several that Finch uses throughout the show. These smiles are very impor- tant. They are communications between Finch and the audience. They tell the audience when Finch has- success- fully worked one of his ploys. The smile is a gentle, Mona Lisa smile. It should look like a cat that just swallowed a canary and is happy about it. When he does it, Finch should turn his head quickly to the audience and give them the smile directly. The staging of the other charac ters on stage should be so arranged that they are not even aware that Finch is smiling to the audience. This partic- ular smile should only be used in the key spots that are8 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act I marked in the script. Care should be taken that they are not overdone, otherwise they will lose their impact.) Bratt: (Crosses i. to Finck) J. B. Biggley, himself? You were speaking to him? Fincu: Yes, sir. I just bumped into him. Bratt: Ah, is he a friend of yours? Fincu: (Modest hesitation) Sir, I don’t think a man should trade on friendship to get a job. Bratt: Very well put, young man. Well, if you step into my office, I think we can work something out. My name is Bratt. (Extending his hand.) And youate . . - Fincu: (Shaking kis hand) Finch, sir. Pierrepont Finch. Bratt: (Smiling) Pierrepont. Say, maybe that ought to be J. Pierrepont Finch. (Laughs.) Fincu: Asa matter of fact, sir, it is. Bratt: (Stops laughing) Well, step into my office. (Tuy both go v. L. through the door. ROSEMARY re- enters R., tugging SMITTY by the hand.) suarry: (following Rosemary) Good God, Rosemary, you could at least have let me finish my Metrecal. Rosemary: (R. of C.) This is important, Smitty. I know you can help him. (Looks around, sees that Finch is gone.) Where is he? Smitty: How would I know? Rosemary: He must have gone into Mr. Bratt’s office. Go on in there, You're Bratt’s secretary. He'll listen to you. Snatty: But why this frantic, urgent urgency? Rosemary: Please, Smitty. We've got to help this boy. Suitty: But why? Fill me in, girl. Wherefore is this creep different from all other creeps? Rosemary: He's not a creep, Smitty, He has a sort of noble courage, yet deep down I feel that he’s sort of helpless. Swrrry: Rosemary, your mother instinct is a big drag.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 9 (Bratt comes out of his office, laughing at a joke, fol- lowed by Finca who has a big cigar in his mouth.) Bratt: Well, that’s all settled. (1, of Finch, patting him on shoulder.) Nice to have you aboard, Finch. Fincx: Happy to ship out with you, sir. (FINCH is searching for matches in his pocket.) Bratt: Let me do that. (Reaches for matches, lights Finck’s cigar. Rosemary and Smitty watch with great interest.) Smitty: Who is that? Rosemary: That’s my helpless friend. Isn’t he adora- ble? Smitty: Adorable, maybe, Helpless, no. Rosemary: Shut up, Smitty. I just. hope he hasn’t got a girl. (Finca and Bratt cross x. towards Rosemary and Smitty.) Bratt: My secretary will take care of the forms and getting your particulars. Oh, Smitty, this is our new Mr. Finch. Surrry: Hello, there. Rosemary: (Quickly steps in R. of Finch) My name is Pilkington, Rosemary Pilkington. Fincx: Oh, hello. Rosemary: Hi, Bratt: Mr. Finch will be starting out in the mail room. Glad you don’t mind that, Finch, Fincu: Sir, in a big pond like this, everyone must be- gin asa little fish. Smatry: Even a barracuda. (Rosemary and Bratt look at Smitty. Bup enters 1, crossing R. to exit.) Bratt: Now, Smitty, will you... (Gaon enters R., addresses Bud.)10 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Gatcu: Say, Bud, have you guys in the mail room sent out those wicket catalogs yet? Bup: (Stopping x. of Gatch) I don’t know. I’m going to lunch. Gatcu: At eleven o'clock? Why? Bup: Because I’m the boss’s nephew. (Starts off R. Gatcu exits U.R. into his office.) Bratt: (Crossing x. below Finch, calling to Bud) Oh, Bud . . . (To Finck, as Bup approaches.) This is Bud Frump, Mr. Biggley’s nephew. (Crosses L. above Finch. Bup crosses L. to R. of Finch.) This is Mr. Finch. He’s going to be working with you in the mail room. Bup: Hello, Finch. I'm Bud Frump, Mr. Biggley’s nephew. FINCH: (Offers hand) How do you do? (Bun ignores his hand.) Bratt: (About to leave) Smitty, get Mr. Finch’s par- ticulars. Suatty: Yes, sir. Bratt: Finch, nice to have you on our team. (Starts off L.) Fincu: Glad to be playing with you, sir. (Bratt stops, turns, gives Finch a look and exits into his office U.L.) Bun: Finch, you ambitious? Fincx: Not necessarily. Bup: Good. Just keep that in mind. If you just remem- ber who I am and remember who you are, we'll get on fine. Ifnot . . . Rosemary: (R. of Bud) You'll go crying to your uncle. Bup: I beg your pardon. I do nof go crying to my uncle. (Crosses x. below Rosemary and Smitty, turns.) It happens that my mother is Mrs. Biggley’s sister. (Re- moves hat.) If 1 feel that anything is wrong, I phone my mother. She phones Mrs. Biggley and Mrs. Biggley phonesACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING il Mr. Biggley. (Puts hat back on.) That’s the democratic way. (He exits R.) Rosemary: (Crosses L. two steps) Mr. Finch, a man like you doesn’t have to worry about someone like him. (Crosses x. to Smitty.) Smitty, you were going to get Mr. Finch’s particulars. Smitty: Ah, yes, particulars. Now, Mr, Finch, the first question. Rosemary: Have you gota girl? Ficu: A girl? No. Rosemary: Good. I mean, that’s the right answer. I mean, it’s very wise not to have a girl. Fincu: (c.) I'm glad you understand, Miss Pilkington. Some women wouldn’t. You see, I feel that when a man wants to rise in the world of business, a girl, or let’s say an emotional involvement, can only lead to getting in- volved emotionally. Rosemary: That’s very intelligent, Mr. Finch. Smitty: Yes. (Crosses u. below Rosemary to Finch.) Rosemary, are you through with Mr. Finch? Rosemary: For the moment. Smitty: Fine. (Indicates office u.t. as she and FINcH cross L.) Now if you'll just step into my office, we'll get our business done. Rosemary: (Crosses t.) Good luck, Mr. Finch. Fincu: (Below door ut.) Thank you, uh, Miss . . . Rosemary: Pilkington. Rosemary Pilkington. Fincu: I’m glad to be aboard. (He exits into Bratt's office U.L.) Smitty: Well, Rosemary, you see? Rosemary: I think he’s fascinating. Smitty: I’ve seen some ambitious characters around here, but this boy is the eagerest beaver of them all. Rosemary: New Rochelle . Smitty: Huh? Rosemary: Or maybe White Plains. No. . . HAPPY TO KEEP HIS DINNER WARM Rosemary: New Rochelle12 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Smirry: What are you talking about? Rosemary: New Rochelle Smitty: What about it? RosEMARY: That's the place where the mansion will be, For me and the darling, bright, young man I've picked out for marrying me. (Crosses R.) He'll do welt, I can tell, So it isn’t a moment too soon. (Crosses L. to Smitty.) To plan on my life in New Rochelle; The wife of my darling tycoon. Smitty: Honey, you'll be in New Rochelle. Your dar- ling tycoon will be here in the office. (Crosses U.L.) RoseMary: Smitty,I .. . Smitty: The future Mrs. Finch is in for some lonely nights, (She exits into her office u.L.) (Traveller closes.) (Rosemary speaks, crosses R.) Rosemary: I’m prepared for exactly that sort of thing. (ROSEMARY sings.) [’ll be so happy to keep his dinner warm While he goes onward and upward. Happy to keep his dinner warm Til he comes wearily home from downtown. (Sits.) I'll be there waiting until his mind is clear, While he looks through me, right through me, Waiting to say: “Good evening, dear, I'm pregnant; what's new with you from downtown?” (Rises.) ‘Oh, to be loved By a man I respect, To bask in the glow Of his perfectly understandable neglect.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING Oh, to belong in the aura Of his frown, darling busy frown. Such heaven Wearing the wifely uniform While he goes onward and upward. Happy to keep his dinner warm °Til he comes wearily home from downtown. ACT I Scene 3 The outer office of the World Wide Wicket Company. There arc two rows of desks with typewriters, adding machines and standard office equipment. Grnts enter . briskly, saying “Good morning.” They sit down at their desks, take off office machine covers. "The last Girt. dashes on, gets to her place just ready jor them all to begin work. A Man sticks his head out on stage L. and yells. Man: Coffee break! Miss KruMHOLTz: It’s about time! (Man pushes on coffee machine L. Oruer Orrice PEr- SONNEL enter L. and R. A long line is hurriedly formed across stage before the coffee machine. BuD FRrump enters r., goes to front of line, holds his cup under the spigot.) Bun: There's no coffee! Au: (A buzz) No coffee! No coffee! Smitty: (c.) No coffee? Bup: No coffee. (ALL take front.)14 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Ssarty: No coffee. (Tey all groan and collapse onto stage.) Frump: If] can’t take my coffee break, My coffee break, my coffee break, If Ican’t take my coffee break, (ALL sit up.) Something within me dies . . . ALL: Lies down and something within me dies! (ALL collapse again. Bub pushes machine c. Sry crosses c. to L. of machine.) Suatry: If can’t make three daily trips Where shining shrine benignly drips, (ALL crowd around machine.) And taste cardboard between my lips,— Something within me dies . . . ALL: Lies down and (ALL fade up.) Something within me dies! (Axx collapse.) ” 4 Dancer: No coffee, no coffee, no coffee, no coffee, A Dancer: No coffee, no coffee, ALL Dancers: No coffee, no coffee, no coffee. (ALL sit up.) Smitty: That office light doesn’t have to be fluorescent, I'll get no pains in the head, That office chair doesn’t have to be foam rubber, So if I spread, so I spread. But only one chemical substance Gets out the lead! ALL: Like she said! If I can’t take my coffee break,ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING (Att cross D.) My coffee break, my coffee break, If I can’t take my coffee break, Smitty and Bup: Gone is the sense of enterprise . . - ALL: All gone and something within me dies. Ax: No coffee, no coffee, no coffee A Dancer: No coffee ALL: No coffee, no coffee, no coffee, no coffee, no cof- fee, no coffee. (Aut scream as a DANCER jumps into orchestra ‘cross to coffee machine C.) ALL: Tf I can’t take my coffee break, (R. of c.) Smitty: Somehow the soul no longer tries . . - (Collapses into Boy's arms.) ALL: Coffee, coffee (DR. against portal.) Bup: Somewhere I don’t metabolize . . . ALL: Coffee, coffee Smitty and Bub: Something within me . . . (They cross to c. ALL spread out.) ALL: Coffee or otherwise. coffee or otherwise, Coffee or otherwise, Something inside of me . . . dies!+ (After number, Girt enters from rR. carrying ste of coffee, crosses to L. of C.) pit, ALL saming pot16 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Bun: (Crosses L. to girl.) What's that? Girt: A coffee pot. Bun: Coffee! (They all yell “Coffee!” and go off L., except Five of the Girxs cross to upstage row of desks and go to work. A Man pushes coffee machine off x. ROSEMARY has entered . during this, carrying small vase of flowers. She goes to her desk. FINcu enters .. with basket of mail. He is reading his book.) Book Voice: You have alertly seized your opportuni- ties and are now on the first rung of the ladder. You are working in the mail room. One word of caution about the mail room: It is a place out of which you must get. Some of your rivals will not have the advantage of this knowl- edge, but you are forearmed. Do not get stuck in the mail room. Plan to rise. (Bup enters t., to Finck.) Bup: (Quickly) Finch, where are you going? What have you got there? Finc: (x. of Bud) It’s the executive mail. Bup: I'll take that. (Takes mail from Finch.) Trying to get in good on the inside, huh? I can’t even take a coffee break around here! Fincu: But, I’m merely trying to do my job. Bup: The executive mail is my job. Finch, if you have any ideas of climbing a ladder around here, the view is going to get awfully monotonous. Every time you look up you'll see the seat of my pants. (Crosses R. below Finch and exits u.R. into executive suite.) RoseMaRY: (Rises, crosses x. to Finch) That’s rotten, rotten, rotten. You know, Bud Frump is just jealous of you. He’s trying to keep the big executives from noticing you. Fincu: (Crosses 1. below Rosemary) Thank you for defending me, Miss Pilkington.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 17 Rosemary: Please call me Rosemary. Fincu: Okay, Rosemary. Rosemary: Now, Mr. Finch . . . Fincu: Call me Ponty. Rosemary: Okay, Ponty. The big executives will notice you. Just be patient. Fincu: Patient! Do you realize I’ve been working here for one whole week! Rosemary: I know, Ponty. I haven’t forgotten. (She crosses L. to Finch, puts flower in his buttonhole.) Happy anniversary. Fincu: Thank you, Rosemary, At least you notice me. Rosemary: I wish I were an executive. I'd. . . (She stops suddenly, looks offstage.) Oh oh. Here comes Judith Anderson. . . . Fincu: Huh? Rosemary: That's Miss Jones, Mr. Biggley’s secretary. (Starts ux. to her desk.) i'd better look busy. And you, too . .-. (She sits. FINCH crosses up to row of desks, looking busy. Miss Jones enters L., heading toward ex- ecutive suite U.R. ROSEMARY fools with papers. FINCH suddenly turns and follows Miss Jones.) Finci: Pardon me, ma'am. (He takes flower from his buttonkole, presses it into her hand.) You should be wearing this. It goes with your hair. (She accepts it in a puzzled fashion. FINCH starts away L) Miss Jones: Young man. (Fincu stops. She crosses p.) You just want me to have this flower? You don’t know who I am? Fincu: (Crosses r. to ker) That doesn’t matter. What matters is that the flower seemed to cry out to be worn by you. (Starts away L. again.) Miss Jones: Young man, I’m Miss Jones, Mr. Big- gley’s secretary. (FINCH stops.) incu: No, you can’t be. I mean... that is... you just can’t be.18 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Miss Jones: Why not? Kincu: (Crosses r. to her) Well, from Bud Frump’s description of you, I'd never have... I mean . you’re not a frightening person. Miss Jones: Thank you. FINCH: If it’s not out of place for me to say so, Miss Jones. I think you're a very attractive person. No matter what Bud Frump says. ‘Miss Jonrs: What did you say your name was? Finca: Finch, ma’am. F-I-N-C-H. Finch. Pierrepont Finch. Miss Jones: How is it I haven't seen you before? Finc: (Crosses R. below her) Oh, I'm not supposed to deliver the executive mail. That's his job. Bud Frump. F-R-U-M-P. Miss Jones: Mmmmm. Well, thank you very much, Finch. You're a very interesting young man, Fincu: Thank you, Miss Jones. (Crosses L. below her. GaATCH enters R. 1.) GatcH: Say, Jonesy... (FincH, hearing Gatch’s voice, kneels L. of Miss Jones, ties shoelace.) I'd like an appointment with the boss at around three. Miss Jonxs: (Pinning flower on her suit) V'll check on it, Milt, and let you know. GatcH: (x. of Miss Jones) Ah, flowers. You got a new boy friend, Jonesy? Miss JoNxs: This was given to me by a very nice young man. You should know him. Finch? Fincw: (He pops up quickly) Yes? Muss Jones: Finch, this is Mr. Gatch. Fincii: How do you do, Mr. Gatch? Gatcu: Hello. (They shake hands.) Mass Jones: (To Finch) Mr. Gatch would be a good man for you to know. His department is very important. Fixcx: Oh, I know all about Mr. Gatch. He’s in charge of (Rattliny it off.) Plans and Systems and Interdepart- mental Evaluation. Also Pre-Promotional Promotion, Post-Administrative Research, and Multiple Development on a multi-level level.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 19 Garcu: (To Miss Jones) Hey, Jonesy, this is a smart one. I didn’t know I did all that. (He exits r.) Fincu: Very fine man, Mr. Gatch. I hear he has an opening in his department. Miss Jones: Yes, he has, but he hasn’t been able to make up his mind. Well, thank you for the flower, young man. Fincu: You're welcome, Miss Jones. (She starts u.R., steps to executive suite. FINCH crosses U. to desks. Bup enters U.R. from executive suite.) Bun: Hi, Jonesy. Miss Jones: (Snapping) Miss Jones, (She exits ux. Bun looks after her, puzzled, then looks suspiciously at Finch.) Finca: (Turns away from Bud, starts 1.) Say, Rose- mary... Bup: (Crosses p. to Finck) Finch, quit goofing off. You've got to pick up the second delivery. (Crosses L. be- low Finch.) Fincu: Righto, Bud, old buddy boy. (Bup exits off t., puzzled. Fince goes to Rosemary at desk.) Got to go to work now. Thanks for the flower, Rosemary. (Starts off R.) Rosemary: (She rises, crosses x. to Finch) Thanks for the flower? You gave my flower to Miss Jones. Fincu: Rosemary, surely you don’t begrudge an old lady a moment of happiness. Rosemary: Well, I guess it is important for you to be nice to Miss Jones. (Sarrry enters from executive suite and observes this.) Fixcu: I’m glad you understand that, See you later, Rosemary. (He exits x. SMITTY crosses D.R., looking after Finch.) Surtry: (Meaningjully. Turns to Rosemary) Well, Rosemary, how are you doing?20 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act I Rosemary: (Crosses R. to Smitty) Oh, 1 don’t know. He's... he's . . . Smitty, what's the opposite of a sex maniac? Suitty: A business man. (They exit off R.) ACT I Scene 4 Tue Matt Room. There is a small counter stage L. with a stool to the R. of the counter. Bup Frump is seated on the stool, speaking on the phone. Bun: Hello? Give me an outside line. No, this call is not personal. I’m calling my mother. . . . (dnnoyed.) Thanks. (Rises, crosses behind counter. Talks to himself as he starts dialing.) One of these days when I’m running the show around here, I'll clear out the whole . . . Hello, Mother? Bud. I know I left without my sweater, but it’s warm. New, look, Mother, I just found out something important. There's going to be a new head of the mail room and I want the job. You've got to call Aunt Ger- trude and . I know I’m next in line, but there's a new fellow working here that has me worried, Oh, he s hard, comes in on time, never goofs off, he’s polite . you know, a real rat. (BLACKOUT. Front spot on Biggley desk unit on x.) (Mr. Bioctey is seated at his desk, His intercom is heard buzzing.) Broctey: (Grufly crisp) Yes, what do you want, Miss Jones?ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 21 Miss Jones’ Voice: (Over intercom) Mr. Biggley, your wife is calling. Biccrey: Well, tell het I'm busy, tell her I’m in a meeting, tell her I'm out, dammit, put her on! (Picks up phone and his voice becomes approximately affectionate.) Hello, Gertrude. Glad you called. What’s on your mind? I'm busy. Uh huh . . . Uh huh . . . Well, Gertrude, I can’t help Bud there. The head of the mail room should pick his own successor. I can’t switch signals in the middle of a play. It would upset the whole team. If I interfered that would be nepotism. Nepotism. That’s when your nephew is a goddamn fool... . Well, I'll see. (Hangs up. To himself:) Dammit. (Pushes button and speaks into intercom.) Miss Jones. Miss Jones’ Voice: Yes, Mr. B.? BiccLey: Miss Jones, I’ve told you that talking to my wife upsets me. Miss Jones’ Vorce: Well, J.B., you said to put her onand . . BiccLry: Never mind that. I need something to calm my nerves. Where is my... (Secretively.) you know... . Muss Jones’ Voice: I put it in the back of your right hand bottom drawer. BiccLey: Thanks. (Clicks. Opens bottom drawer, puts his hand in, puils out knitting.) Ahhh. . . . (Front SPOT dims out.) (Dim up on mail room. Fincu enters with mail bag, stops at R. end of counter. TWIMBLE enters, crosses to L. of Finch.) Twimpte: Let’s get going, boys. Bun: (l'ho has been standing u.s. Turns to 1. of Twimpie) Mmmmm. Fincw: (Rr, edge of counter) Yes, sit, Mr. Twimble. I've already started sorting.22 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS cr 1 Twimstz: Finch, as head of this entire mail room, I would like to tell you I’m very pleased with your work. Fincu: Thank you, sir. TwimsLe: You really have an inborn gift for mail- roomery. Fincu: Thank you, Mr. Twimble. Coming from you, that’s a great honor. (Phone RINGS.) Bup: (Picks up phone) Hello, mail roomery. No! Mail room. Just a minute. (Calls.) It’s for you, Twimble. Mr. Bratt in Personnel. (Crosses x. above Twimble, pushing Finch to c. stage.) Twimsle: (Going to phone) Ah, this may be a very important call for some of us. Hello. Bup: (To Finch) What’s the idea? Fincx: What's the idea of what, Bud? Bup: You know. You're trying to butter up Twimble. Well, believe me, it won't do you any good. Fincu: Good God, Bud. Just because I’m being nice to a man, does that mean I have to have an angle? Bup: If anybody's going to get his job, you know . . . (Stops as he hears Twimsie speak.) Twimete: I got you, Mr. Bratt. Thanks very much. (Fincw crosses above Bud to x. edge of counier. Bud counters to R. of Finch as Twimpie hangs up the phone and crosses R. to the boys.) Well, boys, it looks as if they're going to promote old Twimble to the shipping de- partment. Fincu: (Quickly) Congratulations. Bup: (Just as quickly) Who's going to be the new head of the mail room? TwimpLe: I won’t say till it’s official, but Mr. Bratt is going to leave the choice to me. “Twimble,” he said, “the mail room is the nerve center of this mighty organiza tion. You've been an outstanding mail room head and we want you to choose your successor, And we want you to choose him on merit. On merit alone.”ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 23 Bun: That’s not fair. (Crosses L. above Twimble.) ’'m going out to get a smoke. (He exits quickly L.) Twimete: Smoke. Ho ho. He's going to call his mother. (Crosses x. £o Finch.) But it’s not going to help him if I have anything to say. I have somebody else in mind for this job. Ho ho. Fincu: (After a moment) Mr, Twimble . . . ‘TwimsLe: Yes? Fincu: (Crosses L. below Twimble) You've been with this company a long time, haven’t you? TwimsLe: Long, long time. Last month I became a quarter-of-a-century man. (Shows medal on his lapel.) . Fincu: That’s beautiful. (Crosses x. to Twimble.) Gee, a quarter of a century. Twrmste: A quarter of a century. Fincu: How long have you been in the mail room? Twimsie: Twenty-five years. Yep, it’s not easy to get a medal like this. It takes a combination of skill, diplo- macy and bold caution. THE COMPANY WAY Twinte: (To audience) When I joined this firm As a brash, young man, Well, I said to myself, “Now, brash young man Don’t get any ideas.” Well, stuck to that And T haven’t had one in years! Fincu: (t. of Twimble) You play it safe! TWIMBLE: I play it the company way; Wherever the company puts me, There I'll stay. FIncH: But what is your point of (view)? Twinpte: T have no point of view,24 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Fincn: Supposing the company thinks . . . Twine: I think so too! Finc: What would you say if . . . Twuaste: I wouldn’t say! Fincu: Your face is a company face; Twine: It smiles at executives, then goes back in place. Fincu: The company furniture? Twimete: Oh it suits me fine . . . Fincy: The company letterhead is (so) . . . Twimpte: A valentine! Fincu: Is there anything you're against? . Twmaeze: Unemployment! Fincu: When they want brilliant thinking from employees; TWIMBLE: That is no concern of mine. FIncH: Suppose a man of genius makes suggestions. . . . TWIMBLe: Watch that genius get (Points Dt.) Suggested to resign! FInc: So you play it the company way; (Crosses Rr. above Twimble.) Twimste: All company policy is by me okay! FIncH: You'll never rise up to the (top) TWIMBLE: But there’s one thing clear;ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING ‘Whoever the company fires, I will still be here! Funcu: You certainly found a home! Twine: It’s cozy! FINCH: Your brain is a company brain; ‘TWIMBLE: ‘The company washed it and now I can’t complain. FINCH: ‘The company magazine? TwIMBLe: Boy, what style, what punch! FINCH: The company restaurant? TwiMsLe: Ev’ry day same lunch! Their haddock sandwich; it’s delicious! Fincu: (Crosses L. below Twimble) I must try it. Twimete: Early in the week! Fincu: (Stops dead) Do you have any hobbies? TwimBLe: T’ve a hobby; I play gin with Mister Bratt. FIncH: ‘And do you play it nicely? ‘TwIMBLE: Play it nicely . . . still he blitzes me In ev'ry game, like that! Fincx: Why? TwIMBLe: Cause I play it the company way, Executive policy Is by me okay! FIncH: How can you get anywhere (inthe) . . . TwIMBLE: Junior, have no fear; 2526 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS Whoever the company fires, I will still be here! Fincu: You will still be here. TwiMBLe: Year after year after fiscal, Botu: | Never take a risk-al year! TwimBLe: Well, let’s get back to work. They may be promoting me, but till then the mail must go through. (Crosses above counter. FINCH crosses to R. of counter. Bup enters L. humming.) Hi, Bud. How’s your mother? Bup: What mother? Twimpte: (To Finch) What mother. (Bratt enters L. quickly with a big smile, crosses R. to Twimble.) Bratt: Hello, men. Well, Twimble, it’s all set, As of today, you’re head of shipping.’ | TwimpLe: Thanks, Mr. Bratt. (They shake hands.) Bratt: Now let's talk about your successor . . . Bun: (Turns to t. of Bratt) Say, Bratt, have you heard from my uncle today? Bratt: No, Bud. (Bup reacts with annoyance.) Go ahead, Twimble, your shoes are going to be hard to fill, but who have you picked to fill them? Twimeie: Well, Mr. Bratt, I've given it a good deal of thought, pro and con. I think your man is young Finch. Bratt: Congratulations, Finch. Bup: I'm going out for a smoke. (Starts oft.) Fincu: Thanks, but I can’t accept. (Bup stops dead. Everyone looks at Finch in astonish- ment.) Bratt: (Crosses R, to Finch below Twimble) Are you turning this job down?ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 27 Fincu: That’s right, sir. I think there is a man who is better qualified. A man who has been here longer than I. Gentlemen, I recommend Bud Frump. Bup: (Caught off guard) You're kidding. Twimpte: (Crosses L. to Bud) Bud Frump? Bratt: (Crosses L. to Twimble) Well, this is some- thing . . . 1 mean, surprise-wise. Well, as long as he feels that way... Bup: I'm going to call my mother and tell her. (He exits L.) Twimaie: (Crosses R. below Bratt to Finck) I don't understand. Fincu: Mr, Twimble, let me explain. Knowing you has taught me a lot. (Phone RINGS.) Bratt: (Picking up phone) Hello. Yes, J.B. This is Bratt. Twimpte: (To Finck) It’s the big boss. Bratt: (He listens ¢ moment) Oh, I understand your problem, J.B. Actually, we had picked someone else. But it’s all right, J.B. The young fellow we picked turned the job over to Bud. He thinks Bud is better qualified... . No, he doesn’t seem to be out of his mind. He was ex- plaining about it when you called. (To Finch.) Go ahead, Finch. Fincw: (c.) Mr. Twimble, the great thing you have taught me is that no individual is as important as the whole company. Bratt: (Acting as @ quict voice announcer to Biggley) He says no individual is as important as the whole com- any. Fincu: (Crosses above Twimble to his .) The whole team is greater than any single player. Bratt: (To Biggley) The whole team is greater than any single player. Fincu: (Getting louder) The whole crew is greater than any one oarsman.28 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Bratt: The whole crew is reater than any one oars- man, Fincu: The whole salad is bigger than any piece of lettuce. Bratt: The whole salad is . . . Oh, you can hear him. Fincu: The whole omelette is bigger than any egg. Brart: Isn't that great, J.B.? Sort of chokes you up, doesn’t it? . . . His name? It’s Finch, Fincu: (To Bratt) F-I-N-C-H. (Func looks back to Twimble.) Bratt: F-I-N-C-H. Yeah, well, I'm going to keep an eye on him myself. Right, See you later, J.B. (Hangs up. Crosses R. to Finch.) Finch, you got me off the spot with Mr. Biggley. FINCH: (Crosses R. above Bratt and massages his shoulders lightly) Glad to help, Mr. Bratt. Bratt: I appreciate it. (Shakes Twimete’s hand.) Good luck, Twimble. Fincu:: (Looking at letters om counter) Oh, Mr. Twime ble, don’t I have to take this mail to Mr. Gatch? Twists: Gatch? FINcH: Gatch. Bratt: Gatch, Fincu: Gatch, Bratt: Say, I just. remembered. Mr. Gatch is looking for a junior executive in his department. Fincx: (Does his smile, then speaks) He is? Bratt: I’m going to talk to him about you. Me? A junior executive? “our generosity and thoughtfulness may prove to have been a really good thing for you. sicH: By George, ethical behavior always pays. : (Crosses R., arm around Finch) Finch, you did a very wise thing. (Twimete follows. Mail flat flies out. Mail room slides of t. Weare now in the outer office.) Fincy: That doesn’t matter to me, Mr. Bratt. I did what was right,ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 29 (Bun enters from R.) Bup: My mother was very happy. Bratt: (Addressing the office) Boys and girls, meet the new head of the mail room, Bud Frump. (They all gather around and applaud) Bup: (Crosses t. to Finch) Thanks, Ponty, old man. Fincx: Good luck, Bud. Bratt: Come along, Finch, I want to talk to you. (They exit off 8.) Bun: (Crosses L. to Twimble c.) He sure amazed me. I'm still wondering why he did this for me. Twimate: (Sharply) So am I. I still think my original choice of a man was best. Bup: (Frantic) Now wait a minute, Twimble. Ponty okayed it. TwimaLe: It’s just that . . . Bup: (Going right on) We'll have mo reneging. I was promised the job. Twimete: (Stamps foot on the floor) Wait a minute, wait a minute, Bud. I’ve been here a long time. A quarter of a century. I just want to make sure that things are done the right way. (Dropping hands to his sides.) Bun: I know what you mean, Mr. Twimble. From now on . . . (Imitating Twimble with his hands at his sides.) I'll play it the company way; ‘Wherever the company puts me there I'll stay. (Bup and Twinnte both drop hands to their sides.) ALL: ‘Whatever the company tells him, that he'll do; (Boy Dancer salaams.) Bu: Whatever my uncle may think, I think so too. (Bun takes one step down.)30 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ALL: 00-00-00 he’s beaming with company pride; Bup: I've conquered that over-ambitious rat inside. Twine: Old Bud is no longer the Frump he used to be. Bup: I pledge to the company sweet conformity. LL: Hooray! Hooray! (Bun crosses t.) Bup: I will someday earn my medal . (Att bow. Two Boys form chair and Girt dusts it.) Twenty-five year employee. (A pplause.) I'll see to it that the medal (Bup sits on the simulated chair. Girt comes and sits on his lap.) Is the only thing they'll ever pin on me. (Bup and Girt rise, Bun crosses x. to Twimble.) ALL: The Frump way is the company way; Executive policy is by him okay! Bup: I'll never be president but there’s one thing clear; (Att lean in.) As long as my uncle can stand me, I will still be here. ALL: We know the company may like or lump any man... (MEN lijt Bup on their shoulder.) Bun: I’m so proud! ALL: And if they choose to, the company may dump any man... Bu: I'm happy!acT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 31 ALL: But they will never dump Frump, the company man, Frump will play it the company, Frump will play it the company, Frump will play it the company way, Frump! (After number ALL crowd around Bup center stage. BrAtr enters R. with Fuxcs and crosses to GATCH, DR, holding a pantomime conversation.) Bup: Come on, everybody. It’s a celebration. I want to invite all of you to have lunch on me. (They applaud and start off t.) Bratt: (L. of Finck) Boys and girls, (CRowD stops.) I have another announcement to make. Mr. Gatch is tak- ing young Finch into his department as a junior execu- tive. (They applaud and start to carry Bup off. ROSEMARY en- ters L.) Bup: Wait a minute! Just a minute! That lunch is Dutch. In fact, it’s cancelled! Wait a minute! (They carry him off 1. BRAT exits L. GaTcH exits 8.) Rosemary: (Crosses D.R. to Finck) Ponty, that’s won- derful, wonderful. I told you to have patience. Fincw: You were right, Rosemary. Thanks. Rosemary: (Crosses L. two steps) You should have someone around all the time to help you think things out. Finc#: Maybe I should. Rosemary: (Turns to kim) Ponty, I’m always avail- able. Finc: (Backing off a little) You're sure wonderful, Rosemary. One of these days I hope I can show my appre- ciation and . . -32 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Rosemary: Lunch! Fincy: Huh? Rosemary: I said lunch, Fincu: What about lunch? Rosemary: I’d love to, Fincu: (Turns to her) Love to what? Rosemary: You said “what about lunch.” Gee, I thought you’d never ask me. (Crosses Rr. below him.) Let's see, where will we go? Say, I know. There's 2 littie tearoom, a very cute place, called The Hungry T. It’s very teasonable. I'll get my things and meet you right here. (She goes z.) Fincu: (Left alone, crosses t. to c.) I didn’t mean what about lunch?, I meant what about lunch? I mean... (Gatcu enters with Jenxins from executive suite, They stand on riser talking, JENKINS exits U.R. GATCH secs Finch, comes downstage.) Gatcx: Say, Finch... Fincu: Yes, sir, Mr. Gatch. Gatcx: How’s the young junior executive feeling? Fincu: Fine, Mr. Gatch, fine. Garcu: Come on, I'll buy you lunch in the Executive Club up on the roof, Fincu: Lunch? In the Executive Club? Me? GarcH: Sure. Now that you're a junior exec, I can put you on my expense account. Fincu: It’s a great honor, Mr. Gatch, I'll get my coat. (He exits 1.) Garcu: Okay. I'll meet you at the elevator. (Gatcx Starts off R. ROSEMARY re-enters from R.) Ah, Rosemary, dear, seeing you always brightens up my days, (He puts his arms around her.) RosEMARY: (Getting loose) Please, Mr. Gatch. GatcH: (Letting her 80) I've got to stop reading Play- boy. (He exits r.) FINcH: (Re-entering from t., now wearing suit jacket)ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 33 Rosemary, I've got a surprise for you. Mr. Gatch is tak- ing me to lunch. Rosemary: To lunch? Fincu: (Crosses x, below ker) Yep. How. do 1 look? Rosemary: You look fine, Ponty. (Crosses u.L. to her desk, takes red flower from vase, crosses back and puts it in Finch’s lapel.) Just fine. Have a good time. Fincu: Thanks, Rosemary. Good-bye. (He starts off R., stops at side and takes out book, starts to read, ROSE- mary crosses U. and sits at third desk from center, look- ing after Finch.) Book Vorck: If you have followed the simple instruc- tions exactly as outlined, you should by now be a junior executive. Congratulations. Nothing can stop you now. (Finc closes book and gocs u.R. into executive suite. Rosemary starts reprise, HAPPY TO KEEP HIS DINNER WARM.) ROsEMARY: Happy to keep his dinner warm Till he comes wearily home. ACT I Scene 5 BiccLry, seated at desk, is on phone talking to his wife. Broctey: (On phone) Yes, dear, yes, dear. ... . But, dammit, Gertrude, I haven’t got time for this nonsense about Bud. . . . I know blood is thicker than water, but ud Frump ig thicker than anything. I'l promote him whén I'm ready. Now, listen to me, Gertrude, the next time Bud complains to his mother and she calls you and you call me, you're all fired! (Hangs up. Intercom BUZZES. Bicairy clicks switch, speaks gruffly.) Yes, Miss Jones.34 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act I Miss Jones’ Vorce: There’s a young lady who insists on speaking with you, Mr. B. She says it’s personal. BiccLEy: What's she want—what’s her name? Miss Jones’ Voce: She says you'll know. BiccLey: (Small pause, then as gruff as ever) Oh. Well, put her on, put her on. (Clicks intercom switch, straightens his tie, picks up phone. Then in low, intimate voice and with a strong air of mystery.) Hello. . . . Well, now, you knew I wouldn’t forget. I'll take care of every- thing. One moment. (Clicks intercom.) Miss Jones, get me Bratt in personnel right away. (Back to phone.) You be here tomorrow. Fine. Bye. (He pushes another button on phone.) Hello, Bratt, J.B. I'd like you to do me a favor. I wonder if you could find a spot fora...a young lady. Wants to be a secretary, She’s . . . uh . an old friend of the family’s. Her dad was a classmate ‘of mine at Old Ivy. She's a bright girl. Got a good head on her shoulders. Her name is La Rue. Hedy La Rue. ACT I Scene 6 Tue Corripor OF THE WorLD Wipe WicKET CoMPANyY, same as Scene 2. As the black velour flies up, Hepy La RvE is standing stage center. She is a dish. A beautiful dish. She is dressed somewhat like a Latin Quarter showgirl who has struck it rich. Not very loud, not very bad taste, but just too much of everything. She stands perfectly poised in a statuesque pose. MEN begin to enter as though drawn by some invisible cloud of perfume. At one moment a Few or THEM cross the stage one after another. They seem to be totally absorbed in the papers they are carrying, then suddenly see Hepy, stop and join the Group that’s admiring her. Bup FRump enters R., crosses stage L., stops dead inACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 35 his tracks, turns back, talks to the group of Men stage.t., crosses below Hedy, talks to the MEN stage R,, Straightens his tie and crosses to the t. of Hedy. Bup: Can I help you, honey? (HEpy turns to look at him. She looks him over very carefully jor a good long time and finally she speaks.) Hepy: (With a slight regal toss of her head) Scram. (Miss Krumuortz and Grnt enter p.) Bup: (After he recovers) You don’t understand, Miss. You see, I'm Bud Frump, J, B. Biggley’s nephew. (Bors cross D.s.) Hepy: Oh, how do you do? I’m waiting for Mr. Bratt of Personnel. I’m a secretary. Bun: I spotted that the minute you came in. Hepy: Oh, thank you. Of course, I'm new at this and (Bratt enters vu. of Hedy.) Bratt: Miss La Rue? followed by Smitty, crosses R. to L. (Two Girts and Two MEN enter R.) Hepy: Yeah? i mean, yes? Bratt: I’m Bert Bratt, Personnel. Sorry to have kept you waiting. Hepvy: Oh, not at all, sir/It is I whom am late. Bratt: Oh, not really. Hepy: Oh, yes. I was very naughty this morning, I'm still not accustomed to early arisal. (Evervnopy reacts, OrHeR OFFICE PERSONNEL enter.)36 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Bratt: I understand. Well, if you'll step into my office, well... (He turns, bumps into Smitty.) Oh, sorry. This is Miss Smith, my secretary. Hepy: (Leaning across Bratt) How are you, dear? Smitty: Fine, dear. Uh, Mr. Bratt . . . Mr. Bratt! Bratt: Yes, Smitty? Surrty: I have to get some new tax withholding blanks. Bratt: Yes, you do that, Smitty. (Ske goes L. Bratt escorts Hepy toward his office.) Bratt: Miss La Rue, if you will just come in here with me, I'll get your particulars. Hepv: Thirty-nine, twenty-two, thirty-eight, (She exits u.L. through personnel door, Bratt following her.) Bup: I win the pool. (OTHER OFFICE PERSONNEL enter.) Jenkins: Boy, isn’t she something! Davis: She sure is. (Bratt re-enters.) Bratt: Gentlemen, one moment please. . . . (MEN cross L. to Bratt.) Jenxins: (Crosses x. to Bratt) Say, Bratt, I need a new secretary. Man: So do I. Bratt: Gentlemen, Miss La Rue will be assigned ac- cording to normal procedure as soon as her qualifications have been determined. ENKINS: I'd sure like to determine them. MEN: Me, too, etc., etc. Bratt: Gentlemen Gentlemen... . A SECRETARY IS NOT A TOY Bratt: A secretary is not a toy,ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 37 No, my boy; not a toy To fondle and dandle And playfully handle In search of some puerile joy. No, a secretary is not Definitely not, a toy. (Bratt goes into his office ux. ALL watch him exit.) Jenxins: (Crosses R.—stops) You're absolutely right, Mr. Bratt. Bup: (Crosses n—stops) We wouldn't have it any other way, Mr. Bratt. JENKINS: (Crosses R.—stops) It’s a company rule, Mr. Bratt. (Exits x. ALL exit but THREE Boys. GIRL crosses L. t0R. TurEE Boys: (c.) A secretary is not a toy, No, my boy, not a toy; One Boy: So do not go jumping for joy, Five Boys: Boy. Two Boys: A secretary is not, A secretary is not, A secretary is not Two Boys and Four Girts: A toy. Four Grats: (Crossing L.) A secretary is not to be Used for play therapy. ALL: Be good to the girl you employ, Boy; Remember, no matter what Neurotic trouble you've got, A secretary is not a toy. (Vamp—T ypewriter sequence.)38 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act r She’s a highly specialized key component Of operational unity . . A fine and sensitive mechanism To serve the office community. Dancers: With a mother at home she supports, Bup: (Enters R., crosses D.C.) And you'll find nothing like her At F.A.O. Schwarz! (Exits 0.) Miss Krumuottz: (Crossing R. to L. with Two Boys) A secretary is not a pet, Nor an erector set. Miss Krumuottz and Two Boys: It happened to Charlie McCoy, Boy. They fired him like a shot . . . The day the fellow forgot A secretary is not a toy. (Darce.) Dancers: A secretary is not a toy (Exit R. and i.) Five MEN SIncrrs: (L. in personnel door) And when you put her to use; Observe, when you put her to use, Bup: (R. in door) That you don’t find the name “Lionel” on her ca- boose. TureE Girts: (Crossing p.c.) A secretary is not a thing Wound by key, pulled by string. Her pad is to write in And not spend the night in . . If that's what you plan to enjoy. No! ALL: (Entering from v. and x.) The secretary y’got Is definitely notACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING Employed to do a gavotte . . . —Or you know what. (Att fade up.) Before you jump for joy Remember this, my boy, A secretary isnot... ‘A Tinker Toy! ACT I Scene 7 Tur Exevator Lanpinc. A bank of three elevators, two of which are practical. Porte are leaving for the day. Girt: (Enters v. with girl friend, pushes Down button —door opens) So I said, “Just keep your hands where they belong. . . .” (They go into elevator stage L.) MAN: (Enters R. with ANOTHER Man) So he said I’m next in line for promotion... . (They go into elevator stage L.) (Two Girts enter from L.) SECOND Girt: So I said, “Just keep your hands where they belong... .” (They go into elevator stage L.) (Two MEN enter jrom t.) SECOND Man: So he said 1’ll be head of sales in a year with a raise and . . . (They go into elevator stage L.) (Two Girts enter from R.) Turrp Girt: So I said, “Just keep your hands where they belong. . (They go into elevator stage L.)40 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act (Two MEN enter from t.) Turp Man: I’m dying to see that new production chart. (They go into elevator stage L.) (Miss Krumuourz and Girt enter from u.) Miss Krumuottz: So, what the hell, I’m having din- ner with him. . . . (They go into elevator stage L.) (FINCH enters L., crosses to elevator as doors close in his face, He crosses to stage x. elevator and pushes Down button, Bicciey enters R. with Miss JONES and crosses to front of elevator L. FINcH will’ stand on the other side of the stage, carefully listening with every ear on his head.) Broctey: (Crossing to x. of c.) Did you call my wife and say I won't be home for dinner? Miss Jonzs: (Following him) Yes, Mr. B. By the way, you left your golf clubs in the office. Tomorrow is Saturday and you're playing with Mr. Womper, the chair. man of the board. Bicctey: Oh, yes, Well, I'll be staying in town tonight so I'll come in and pick the clubs up in the morning. Miss Jones: And you asked me to remind you about your college alumni association. Bicctey: Oh, yeah, Well, send them the same check. I get a kick out of thinking of their faces when they get that fat check from Old Least-Likely-To-Succeed. Mass Jones: Very well, Mr. Biggiey. (Tackaperry enters ., crosses to R. of C.) Tackaperry: Say, J.B., there’s a phone call. Your wife. Bicotry: (To Tackaberry) My wife? Dammit. I'll take it in your office. That’s all, Miss Jones, (He exits x. TAacKABERRY follows him. Miss JONES starts off x. FINCH crosses D., stopping her.)ACT L WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 41 Fincu: Oh, Miss Jones . . - Miss Jonzs: Hello, Ponty. How's the young junior ex- ecutive? Fincw: Just fine, Miss Jones . . . thanks to the help- ful advice I've been getting from you. Miss Jones: (Crosses R.) Well, I'm glad our little talks have proven valuable. Fincs: They sure have. (She crosses R. below Finch.) Oh, by the way, good luck tonight. Mass Jones: (Stops) Good luck? FincH: Yes. In the bowling tournament. I hear that you're the best bowler on the ladies’ team. Miss Jonzs: (Crosses t. to Finck) How sweet of you to be interested in a thing like that. Fincu: (iVose-to-nose) I’m fascinated by the hobbies of people I like. Miss Jones: Say! Would you like to come watch us bowl tonight? Fincy: (Reacts, crosses t. two steps) Vd love to, Miss Jones, but I should go to bed early. I’m working tomor- row. Muss Jones: On Saturday? No one around here works on Saturday. (Crosses L. to him.) Ponty, you're a very unusual boy. You'll go far. Finc#: Miss Jones, that means a lot—your saying that —because you're Mr. Biggley’s secretary and he’s the man I most want to emulate. He’s so capable and thought- ful. I heard him remembering to send a check to his old school. Harvard, isn’t it? Miss Jones: Harvard? Don’t ever let J.B. hear you say that. He’s a Groundhog. Fincu: But where did he go to college? Miss Jones: Old Ivy. (Starts off R.) Finc: Old Ivy? Muss Jones: (Stops) Of course. They're the Ground- hogs. Mr. Biggley is very proud of his old school. Well . . . (Starts off R. again.) Good night, Ponty. Finci: Good night, Miss Jones. Muss Jones: (Stops) Don’t work too hard.42 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 FincH: Don’t worry, I won't. (Miss Jones exits r, RosEMARY and Smitty enter L. They stop when they see FINCH.) Rosemary: (Crosses below Smitty to Finch, R. of Cc.) Hello, stranger. Finca: Oh, hi, Rosemary. Hi, Smitty. Smitty: (One step R.) Hi, Ponty. (Presses Down ele- vator button stage R.) Been a long day, hasn’t it? Fincu: Sure has. Rosemary: I haven’t seen you since you got your new job. Fincu: Oh, I’ve been working pretty hard. Rosemary: Been a long day. Smitty: (Sudden thought) Say, Rosemary, where are you having dinner tonight? Rosemary: (Crosses L. below Smitty) That depends. Smitty: On what? Rosemary: On where I’m having dinner. (Looks at Finch.) Smitty: Huh? Oh. (Bors Grrts turn us.) BEEN A LONG DAY Smitty: Well, here it is five P.M., The finish of a long day’s work . . . And there they are, both of them, The secretary and the clerk . . (Rosemary looks at Finch, FINCH looks at her. She looks away. Rosemary looks at Finch, Fincu looks away. Rosemary looks away.) Not very well acquainted, Not very much to say . . . But I can hear those two little minds ticking away Now she’s thinking: Rosemary: (Turns front) I wonder if we take the same bus . . .ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 43 Smitty: ‘And he’s thinking: Fincu: (Turns front) There could be quite a thing between us . . . Suarty: Now, she’s thinking: RosEMaRY: He really is a dear, Smarty: And he’s thinking: Fincet: But what of my career? Smitty: Then she says: (RosEMARY yawns, crosses R, to Smitty.) And he says: Fincu: Err... uh . . . (Crosses x. to Smitty.) Well, it’s been a long day; ALL: Well, it’s been a long, Been a long, Been a long, Been a long— Day. Smitty: Now, she’s thinking: RosEMARY: T wish that he were more of a flirt. Smitty: ‘And he’s thinking: FINCH: T guess a little flirting won’t hurt. Smitty: Now, she’s thinking: RosEMARY: For dinner we could meet. Searty: And he’s thinking:44 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Fincz: We both have got to eat. Smitty: Then, she says: ROSEMARY: Achoo! (Crosses R. to Smitty.) Smitty: ‘And he says: FINCH: Gesundheit! (Crosses L. to Smitty.) RosEMarY: Thank you. Fincu: Well, it’s been a long day, ALL: Well, it’s been a long, Been a long, Been a long, Been a long— Day. Smitty: (Unfolds newspaper) Hey! There’s a Yummy Friday Special at Stouffer’s; It's a dollar ninety veg-table plate. And on the bottom of thead . . . Not bad... “Service for two, Three fifty-eight; To make a bargain, make a date.” Rosemary: Wonderful! Fincu: It’s fate! Smitty: Now, she’s thinking: RosEMARY: What female kind of trap could I spring? Smitty: And he’s thinking:ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING FincH: I might as well forget the whole thing. Smarty: ‘Now, she’s thinking: (Crosses R. above Finch.) ROSEMARY: Suppose I take his arm... (Crosses R. to Finch.) Smitty: ‘And he's thinking: Fincu: Well, really, what's the harm? Smarty: Then, she says: Rosemary: Hungry? Smutty: And he says: (Pause.) Fincu: Yeah! Rosemary: Yeah! Smitty: Yeah! ALL: ‘Well, it’s been a long day; Well, it’s been a long, been a long, been a long, Been a long day. (Elevator doors open, Corus sings.) Cuorus: Well, it's been a long, been a long, been a long, Been a long day. (Rosrmary and Fics enter elevator 1. Smirty enters elevator R. Elevator doors close. Ajter song, BIGGLEY re-enters R., muttering to himself. He crosses L., pushes Down elevator button.) Bicctev: Blithering, blathering . . . (Bup enters L., carrying empty mail sack. BIGGLEY stops him, grabs kim by the tie.)46 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS crt Bicctey: Dammit, you've been complaining to your mother again. She wants you promoted. Bup: Why not? Other people are being promoted. Bicctey: Well, I told your Aunt Gertrude that . . . (Hepy enters Rr.) Hepy: Oh, there you .. . ! (Sees Bud, composes her- self.) Good evening, Mr. Biggley. (Crosses to R. elevator.) Bicctey: (Carefully businesslike) Oh, good evening, Miss La Rue. Bup: Uncle Jasper, I . Bicctey: (Turns to Bud) I told you never to call me that around here. Bup: I’m sorry, J.B. BiccLey: Now, haven’t you got something to do? Bun: I was just going to get my hat and go home. BiccLey: Good. (Bup goes slowly x., looking back at Biggley and Hedy.) Bicctey: (Pulling himself together and crossing’R. to Hedy) How do you like your new job, Miss La Rue? Hepy: It's a big, fat nothing. (Bup overhears this, then exits R.) BiccLey: Sweetheart, don’t talk that way around here. Hepy: I thought you were going to help me be a big business woman like Helena Rubinstein or Betty Crocker. So what happens? I’m stuck in the goddam stenographic pool with no one to fish me the hell out. BiccLry: Ssssshbh. Angel, these things take time. You have to learn . . . (SOMEONE crosses R. to L. and Bic- GLEY suddenly switches to a loud businesslike tone.) Yes, Miss La Rue, in a large operation like World Wide Wick- ets there are many multiple facets which are very impor- tant in the scheme of things. (PERSON exits L, and Bic- GLEY switches back to his pleading tone.) Hedy, I prom- ise youACT I WITHOUT. REALLY TRYING AT Hepy: I give up a wonderful job. Head cigarette girl at the Copa. BiccLey: But the surroundings. You said you hated all those men staring at you, making advances. Hepy: It’s no different around here in big business. At least at the Copa, when I got pinched, I got tipped. (Crosses R.) Around here a girl can’t ¢: .n vend down to pick up a pencil with confidence. BIGGLEY: (Crosses R. to ker) You mean someone has been bothering you? Who? Just let me know who. (SoME- ONE crosses L. fo R. BIGGLEY’S voice goes up again.) Yes; Miss, in a large operation like World Wide Facets, there are many multiple wickets which . . . Who pinched you? Hepy: I don’t care about that. Look, you did not keep your part of my bargain. BiccLey: Sweetheart, I meant every word. Tell you what, I'll meet you at your place in ten minutes and we can talk it over. Hepy: (Turns slowly to him) No. Bicctey: But, angel . . . (Bun enters x. with his hat and ‘coat on, dressed exactly like Biggley. BIGcLEY’s voice goes up again.) Yes, Miss, in a large operation like World Wide Wickets, there are many multiple facets which . . . (Bup crosses to elevator u., pushes Down button. He straightens his tie, brushes off his coat, continues primp- ing. Bicciry looks at Bud and then at his own attire, realizes they are dressed identically. Impatiently he crosses L. to Bud.) Why don’t you go home? Bun: I’m waiting for the elevator. Bicctey: Why don’t you walk down? Bun: It’s thirty floors! Bicctey: (Turning his head away from Bud ond speaking under his breath) Why don’t you jump? Bup: (Putting on his gloves and taking a look at Hedy) Very attractive girl, Miss La Rue. BiccLey: Huh? Oh, yes, I guess so. I was just, uh, try- ing to make her feel at home. She seems to be rather a shy person. Bup: Yes. Well, you go ahead, J.B. (BIGGLEY starts R.)48 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 I'm meeting Mother for dinner. (B1GGLEY stops dead, crosses back-te Bud.) She loves dinner with me. I tell her everything that happens all day at the office. (Crosses R. below Biggley toc.) Now he’s thinking: BiocLey: The kid could really put me through hell! Bup: And she’s thinking: Hepy: The kid could even name the hotel. Bup: Now he’s thinking: Bioctey: I wonder if he’d dare . . . Bup: ‘And she’s thinking: Hepy: There’s blackmail in the air. Bup: ‘And he says: Bioctey: It’s a holdup! (Elevator r. doors open.) Bup: And she says: Hepy: Down? Bicctey: Wait a minute! Okay, you're promoted. (Crosses x. below Bud to Hedy.) ALL: Well, it’s been a long, Been a long, Been a long, Been a long day. (Hepy and BiccLey go into elevator x. Doors close. Bu crosses L.) Bup: Well, it’s been a long, Been a long, Been a long,ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 49 Been a long day. (Elevator 1. doors open, Buv backs into eleve- tor.) Ha! (Doors close.) ACT I Scene 8 Tur Outer Orrice, Saturday morning. Desks are clean, typewriters are covered. The whole office has a fresh, clean look. Two SCRUBWOMEN with mops, etc., are just finishing up. They are smoking cigarettes. First Scruswoman: (Looking around) Okay, Jackie, that’s it. SECOND SCRUBWOMAN: (L. of C.) Yep, all spic as a span. I bet now some slob'll come in and dirty it all up. First ScruBwomAN: Nab, not on Sat’dy morning. Come on, let’s do the big shot’s now. (They go into executive suite u.R. After a moment, FINCH enters from U.L. After a glance to make sure no one is around, quickly he: Drops topcoat on third desk, crosses D. below desks. Puts attache case on floor. Puts papers from case on first desk and on floor around desk. Tosses adding machine cover US. Takes jour paper coffee cups out of case and puts them on his desk. Takes ashtray and bag of cigarette butts out of case and fills ashtray, puts on desk. Puts paper bag back in case. Closes case, puts it under second desk.50 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Unrolls adding machine tape and winds it around lamp letting it hang down on the floor. Removes jacket, puts it on chair of second desk. Loosens tie, rumples hair. Collapses in chair of first desk, head on desk as though sound asleep. Broctey enters from x. and heads for executive suite. He is dressed for golf. He sees Fincu, stops dead, looks at watch, walks over to Fincu and taps him on shoulder.) Bicctey: Good morning. Fincy: (Rises, crosses L. as though waking up from a nap) Oh, is it morning already, sir? Bicctey: Good God, man. Have you been working all night? Fincu: (Crosses up to his desk) Well... 1 had a few things to catch up on. I shouldn’t be here much longer. Broctey: By George . . . uh, I’m sorry, your name slips my mind. Fincu: Finch, sir. F-I-N-C-H. (Sits.) Bicctey: Oh, yes. I've heard some good things about you from my scouts. Fincn: Thank you, sir. BiccLey: Well, Finch, it’s great to see a man in there carrying the ball. You know, you make me feel a bit guilty. I just dropped in to pick up my golf clubs. I have to play a round today with old Wally Womper. He’s chairman of the board, you know. Fincu: I imagine one has to do that sort of thing once in a while. Brcctey: Now don’t push yourself too hard, Finch. There are limits, you know. Fincu: (Bravely) Oh, don’t worry about me, sir. Bicctey: (Starts of) Yl just get my clubs. (Starts up steps to executive suite. FINCH rises and begins hum- ming melody of OLD IVY. Brcctey stops dead as heACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 51 hears what Finch is singing. Crosses back to Finch.) What’s that you’re humming? Fincu: (Stops humming) Huh? Oh, I didn’t realize I was humming, sir. Bicctey: You were humming the Old Ivy fight song. Fincy: (Does his smile, then speaks) I guess it was unconscious on my part. BiccLey: Did you go there? Were you a Groundhog? Fincu: (Hesifantly) Well, sir . .. (Sits.) Bicciey: Say it, boy! Come out with it, I know a lot of guys have an inferiority complex because they didn’t go to Yale or Princeton. You're not ashamed of Old Ivy, are you? Fincu: No, sir, not a bit. (Rises.) Bicctey: That's the Groundhog spirit. I should have known you were Old Ivy. What year? (FINCH crosses D. to c., last in thought; makes football pass motion. Brc- GLEY crosses D.) Finch, when did you graduate? Fincu: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I was, thinking about the big game today. I’m sorry I have to miss it. We're play- ing the Chipmunks. Brcctey: That’s right. I can’t get up there, either. I hope those damned Chipmunks don’t give us too much trouble. Fincu: Oh, I think we'll take them, sir. Charnowsky’s knee is much better. Bicctey: Oh, with Charnowsky in there the team’s morale should pick up. He’s the dirtiest player we’ve got. Fincu: Well, even though we’re not there in person, we'll be rooting for ’em. Right? Bicctey: Right. GRR-R-R-ROUNDHOG! (They shake hands.) Fincu: GR-R-R-R-R-ROUNDHOG! OLD IVY Bicctey: (Marches down and then up) Stand Old Ivy, Stand firm and strong. (FINCH stands to the L., watching him.)HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act Grand Old Ivy, Hear the cheering throng. (FINcH crosses to Biggley.) Biceiry and Fincu: Stand Old Ivy And never yield. Rrrrip! Rip! Rip the Chipmunk Off the field. Fincx: (On his knees) Bicctev: When you fali on the ball, And you’re down there at (Crosses rR. of Biggley, the bottom of the heap, drops to his knees.) Where the mud is, oh, so Down at the bottom of the __ very, very deep, heap, Don’t forget, boy, (Rises.) Down in the cruddy, muddy deep, Born: That's. why they call us, They call us Grr-roundhog! FINcH: BiccLey: Grr-roundhog Grrr-roundhog (BOTH cross L.) Grrr-roundhog Stand Grrr-roundhog Old Ivy, Rrr-rip, rip, rip Stand firm and strong. The Chipmunk! (Bors cross R.) Grand Old Ivy, Grand Old Ivy, Hear the cheering throng. Hear the cheering throng. Grr-roundhog! Grr-round- Stand Old Ivy hog! And never yield God bless you . . : Rrr-rip! Rip! Rip the And never yield. Chipmunk Rrrrip! Rip! Rip the Off the field. Chipmunk Off the field. Fincn: (R. of Biggley) I enjoyed that, sir. Bicctey: So did I, boy. Well, I'll go get those clubs. (Starts of chanting.) Rip, rip, rip, the Chipmunk, off . . . (Crosses u.8.n. into executive suite, FINCH goesACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 53 back to his desk, reaches into his attaché case, pulls out a fairly large hunk of knitting, sits on the desk, tosses the ball of wool u.s. and begins to knit. BIGGLEY re-enters R., stops and looks at the knitting with fascination. Crosses L. to Finch.) What's that you're doing? Fincu: (Eyes closed) Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine. I’m sorry, I just wanted to finish this row. I guess this looks silly, sir. But I've always found that knitting helps me think more clearly. BiccLey: Well, I'll be damned. (Puts the clubs down against desk, crosses . below Finch, looks around to make sure they are alone, Conjidentially to Finch.) 1 knit, too. (Sits in chair of first desk.) FINCH: Really! (Rises.) Bicctey: Yep. It’s good for my nerves. Been doing it for years. Nobody knows but my secretary, Miss Jones. You know her. Fincu: (Carefully) Ves, I’ve met her. Bicctey: (Suddenly pointing to knitting) What's this going to be? Fincu: Oh, I thought I'd make a... (He holds up knitting on various positions.) . . . a birdcage cover. (Puts knitting on desk.) BiccLey: Birdcage cover. I never made one of those . . . (Rises.) ... . but how do you like this? (Indicates sweater he’s wearing.) Fincu: Oh, that’s beautiful, sir. BiccLey: I made the covers for those golf clubs. See? Popcorn stitch. Fincu: (Takes out club, hands it to BiccLey. BicGLEY sits) You know, Mr. Biggley, I feel kind of sorry for men who don’t knit. They lead empty lives. Biectey: I like the way you thinch, Fink. Fincu: “Think, Finch,” sir. Bicctey: Think, Finch—yes. Tell me, what are you heading for around here? What’s your ambition in this outfit? Bright fellow like you must have it all planned out. Fincxs: (Crosses r.) Well, Mr. Biggley, if I’m ever for-54 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 tunate enough to reach a position where I have a choice, I'd like to be where they do something real . . . (Crosses back.) . . . something a man can get his teeth into. . . solid . down-to-earth .. . the advertising depart- ment. BiccLey: (Rises, crosses ps. FINCH crosses down with him) Advertising! Son, I wouldn’t want that for an old schoolmate of mine. It’s too tough . . . too insecure. Why, this place has had fifteen new advertising managers in the. past year alone. The poor devils disappear at the rate of about one a month. Fincu: Why is that? Bicctey: I fire them. Fincw: But if you got a man with ideas, he could swing it. BiccLey: (Contemptuously) Ideas! That’s what I look for. I keep hiring men who are supposed to have brilliant ideas and not one of them will ever do what I tell him. No, son, you stick to what you're doing. You'll do all right there. Damned good department. By the way, where are you? Fincu: Plans and Systems. Mr. Gatch’s department. Bicctey: Good man, Gatch. Knows what he’s doing. You stay with him. And I'll keep my eye on you, too. (FINcH crosses vu. to desk, gets golf clubs. BIGGLEY crosses R, FINCH crosses D.L. of Biggley, hands him the golf clubs.) Fincu: Here you are, sir. Have a wonderful day. I've got to get this done before midnight. (Starts for desk.) BiccLey: Midnight! (FincH stops.) That’s the Groundhog spirit. (Two ScruBWoMEN enter from executive suite, stand lis- tening at top of riser.) FINCH: Groundhog! BIGGLEY: Groundhog!ACT 1 WITHOUT REALLY TRYING Boru: Stand Old Ivy, Stand firm and strong. Rip! Rip! Rip! the Chipmunk Off the field! (They go R. SCRUBWOMEN come down stairs, survey the mess.) Frrst SCRUBWOMAN: Beautiful! Seconp ScRUBWOMAN: What was that? First Scruswoman: A college song. SECOND ScRUBWoMAN: What college? First ScruswoMan: (Picking up knitting off desk) Td say Vassar. ACT I Scene 9 Fincy’s First Orrice. A small desk with two chairs is set im front of an air vent stage R. Inthe black, we hear Bicctzy’s VoIce. BrccLev’s Vorce: Hello, Bratt? This is J.B. Say, what are we running around here, a sweatshop? We’re working that boy too hard. Who? Finch! F-I-N-C-H. . . . The poor devil worked here all weekend. I ought to know. T was there with him, working side by side. The lad needs help. Well, first of all, I want him to have an office of his own . . . deserves the best you have available. . . oh, nothing fancy—don’t want him getting ideas. (When the LIGHTS come up, Fincu is walking eround dusting and straightening things. ROSEMARY enters from R.)56 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Rosemary: Hello, Ponty. Fincx: Rosemary, come on in. How do you like it? (Crosses R. above desk.) Rosemary: (Looks around, crosses t. below desk) Your first office. It’s beautiful. (Sits.) Fincu: It’s not bad, considering. I did want my name on the door, but I decided not to ask because there’s no door. Rosemary: It’s beautiful. I can only stay a minute. I just wanted to tell you that I had a good time the other night. Func: (Sits) Me, too. I enjoyed the conversation. It was very .. . Well, I guess I talked all the time. RoseMary: I liked it. But-just one thing, Ponty . (Rises, crosses D.) . . . about what happened later . _ _ I mean, when we said good night. (FINCH rises, crosses DR. of desk.) It was our first date and I don’t want you to get a wrong impression of me, but . . . well, I guess it’s natural for a fellow to try to get a little fresh with a girl and make a pass at her, but you didn’t do anything! Fincu: I had to get up early. (HEDy enters x. ROse- Mary looks x. past Finch. FINCH, realizing someone has entered, turns 2. and is shocked at the sight of Hedy La Rue.) Sir? . . . Miss? Hevy: I'm Miss La Rue, honey. Fincu: What can I do for you, Miss La Rue? Hepv: A secretary was ordered to be assigned to you. I’m your assignation. Rosemary: (Confidentially to Finch) You didn’t tell me you were getting a secretary. Fincu: (Crosses L. to Rosemary) I just found out myself. Rosemary: Well, happy dictation, Ponty. (Ske goes R. below Hedy.) Hepy: ‘Bye. (RosEMARY exits. FINCH straightens his jacket, bows, realizes that’s the wrong thing to do, lowers his voice.) Fincu: Now . . . now won't you sit down, Miss La Rue? (Crosses r. above desk.)ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 57 Hxpy: Thank. you. (She crosses L., sits, crosses her legs, revealing a great deal of same.) Fincu: (After staring at her for @ moment) Now, Miss LaRue... Hepy: Oh, just call me Hedy. Fincx: Well, I think that perhaps in a’business rela- tionship... Hepy: You're cute. Fuvcu: Excuse me a moment. (He picks up his book, walks to corner of his office v.R. and reads.) Book Voice: Choosing a secretary can be fraught with peril. Take a good look at the young lady who has been assigned to you. (Book Voice stops. Fincu looks at Hey, who is fixing her stocking. FIncu begins to read again, Boox Votce resumes.) If she is so attractive that you feel things are too good to be true, be very careful. It may be that one of the big men in the company is Interested-In-Her-Career. There is a simple test for this. Check on her secretarial skill. The smaller her abilities, the bigger her Protector. (FINCH closes book, goes to desk.) Fincu: Miss La Rue, let’s try some dictation. Take a letter. Hepy: (Flips open steno pad) Shoot! Fincu: (Crosses 1. of Hedy, speaks slowly) This r. is to Mr. Gatch... . Dear . |. Mi Gatch . . . (Crosses R slowly.) Pursuant... to... our. . . dis. cussion of Hepy: Wait a minute! (FINCH stops.) You trying to catch a train? Fincu: (Crosses 1. of desk) What are you taking this down in? Hevy: Longhand. It’s safer. I make up for it when I type. . Fincu: Oh, you type fast? Hepy: Like a jackrabbit. Twelve words a minute. Fincu: (Sits) Uh... by the way, Miss La Rue ... Hedy .. what was your last position?58 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS acT 1 Hepy: (After a beat) 1 was in the tobacco business. But then Mr. Biggley . . . Fincet: (Slams desk) Mr. Biggley . . . (Reacts, turns front.) Hepy: He got me interested in wickets, so I matricu- lated myself into business school, and, well, here Iam. Fincw: Yes, you are, aren’t you? (Looks at book.) Hey: Go ahead, dictate some more, I’m going to like this jazz. Fincu: (Closes book) Hedy .. . let that letter wait for a moment. (Hands her c jolder.) Please take this in to Mr. Gatch, Hepy: (Rises) Mr. Gatch. Finca: Uh huh. He’s my boss. Make sure you give it to Mr. Gatch himself. (She starts off t.) Hedy . . . (She stops.) . . . personally. Hepy: Okay, Charlie. (Ske exits t.) ACT I Scene 10 PLANS AND SYSTEMS OFFICE. LIGHT up on Garcut seated at his desk. There is another chair at the R. behind which Miss KrumHoirz is standing. Door to the office is u.c. Phone rings. Miss KRumHottz picks up phone. Miss Krumuottz: (Rr. 0f Gatch) Hello, Mr. Gatch’s office. One moment, please. (Turns to Gatch.) Mr. Gatch, Mr. Finch’s secretary is outside and she'd like to see you personally. GatcH: (Puzzled) Have her come in. Miss Krumsonrz: (Hangs up) I'll get her. (She goes c. Hupy enters, poses in doorway.) Hpy: (GatcH jumps to his feet) Mr. Gatch? (Crosses . to desk.)ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 59 Garcn: (Startled) Yes? Hepv: I’m Mr. Finch’s secretary. He asked me to give you this. (She drops folder on the desk, starts of. Her whole manner is very seductive, GaTcH follows, stops her. Garces: Say, what are you doing tonight? Hupy: I've got a date with my gentleman friend. Gatcu: (Grabs Hepy) Oh, come on. You're in the big time now. Don't fool around with small fry. (BLACKOUT. Phone RINGS in the dark. DIM UP im- mediately. Fincw is seated at Gatch's desk. He's sit- ting back in the chair as though he has had this job forever. There is a smug look on his face, and o ‘slight smile. Miss KRUMHOLT2 is on stage.) Miss Krumuottz: (Picking up phone) Hello, Mr. Finch’s office. One moment. (Hands him phone.) It’s for you. Production. (She goes U.c.) Fincu: (/nto phone) Hello, Finch speaking. Oh, yes. (Rises:) I'm running Plans’ and Systems now... . Huh? Mr. Gatch? Oh, he’s been transferred to one of our out of town offices. . . . Venezuela. ACT I Scene 11 Traveter. A corridor somewhere in the World Wide Wicket Building. There arc two foliage units Ds., L. and R. Bratt and TACKABERRY enter R. JENKINS enters L. Bratt: (Stopping Jenkins 1. of c.) Say, Jenkins, I was just going to call you. We're getting a new vice pres- ident in charge of advertising. Jenkins: Another one? Who is it this time?60 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Bratt: A fellow by the name of Ovington. Benjamin Burton Daniel Ovington. Jenxins: (Thinking) B.B.D.O. Bratr: I'll bet that’s why Biggley hired him. Anyway, we're giving him a reception tonight. TACKABERRY: (k. of Bratt) In the Executive Club on the roof. Jenkins: I wonder how long this guy'll last? Bratt: I don’t know, but we're giving him the full treatment. You can ask your secretary to come. We’re inviting some of the executive secretaries to act as host- esses. ‘Jenkins: Okay, Bratt. (Junxuns goes R, Bratt and TACKABERRY go L.) Bratt: B.B.D.O. (They exit L. ROSEMARY enters x. SMITTY and GIRL come on from L.) Smitty: (Stopping Rosemary 1. of c. Girt exits R.) Rosemary, I had lunch without you. Where have you been? Rosemary: Smitty, I’ve been made secretary to the new advertising manager. Smitty: Oh, good. What's he like? Rosemary: Oh, I don’t care about him, that I'm invited to the reception this evening, and Ponty will be there, too, Smitty, I've been dreaming of a chance like this. Ponty has never seen me all dressed up . . « you know, glamorous... . (Holds up box.) Do you know what this is? Smitty: Your lunch? Rosemary: Smitty, this is the answer to how'to suc- ceed with Finch, A new dress. It’s just beautiful. Smitty: I hope it works. Good luck, Rosemary. (They embrace. She starts Rr.) Rosemary: Thanks, Smitty.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 61 Smitty: (R. of c.) You know, I think maybe I'll get a new dress for tonight, too. Rosemary: Good idea. I hope you're very popular at the party, Smitty. SmatT¥: Maybe I will be, at that. I’m thinking of start- ing a secret rumor that I'm a nymphomaniac. (She exits x, Rosemary looks after her then looks at the box, hugs it and sings.) PARIS ORIGINAL Rosemary: (Holds up dress box) I slipped out this afternoon And bought some love insurance, (Hugs dress box.) A most exclusive dress from gay Paree. It’s sleek and chic and magnifique, With sex beyond endurance. It’s me! It’s me! It’s absolutely me! And why? One guy! (Holds dress box out.) This irresistible Paris original, I'm wearing tonight; I'm wearing tonight ’Specially for him. (Crosses R. Crosses back L, to c.) This irresistible Paris original's All paid for and mine. I must look divine ’Specially for him. (Kisses the box. Crosses 1, strumming dress box like guitar.) Suddenly he will see me, And suddenly he'll go dreamy And blame it all On his own masculine whim . . .62 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS Never knowing that This irresistible Paris original, So temptingly tight, I'm wearing tonight ’Specially for him . . . (Starts off t.) For him . For him. (Ske exits 1.) ACT I ACT I Scene 12 Tue Roor. The MUSIC continues as we open on a pretty terrace at cocktail time. There are tables with big umbrellas and assorted terrace furniture. The party hasn’t slarted yet. Rosemary enters immediately v.t. from stair unit. She has changed into her new dress. She is now wearing her Paris original. She crosses Dc. and continues singing. RosEMARY: For him— For him— This irresistible Paris original I'm wearing tonight . . . (First Girt enters R. wearing same dress.) She’s wearing tonight And I could spit! (Bor look at each other.) Some irresponsible dress manufacturer (GiRt crosses v. of Rosemary.) Just didn’t play fair. (Looks at girl.) I'm one of a pairACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 63 Rosemary and GiRL: And I could... (Miss Kruanoutz enters L. wearing same dress.) Oh, no! (Crosses R-) Miss KRUMHOLTz: ‘This irresistible Paris original, All slinky with sin . . . (ANOTHER GIRL enters R. wearing same dress, leans against portal.) ‘Already slunk in (Girt exits R.) And I could die! (Miss KRUMHOLTZ turns, crosses U.C., Sees Rosemary and First Girt.) Rosemary and GIRL: And I could kill her. ALL THREE: And I could— (SMITTY enters R. wearing same dress.) Surrty: : This irresistible Paris original, Tres sexy,—n’est-ce pas? (Looks v.c., sees THREE GIRLS.) Goddammit—voila! Att Four: ‘And I could spit! (More Girts enter from all sides dressed alike. Art Grrts cover their eyes and cross D, to front of stage, look R. Miss JONES enters R. wearing same dress.) Miss Jones: Girls! ALL: Oh! Thirty-nine bucks I hand out For something to make me stand out, ‘And suddenly I’ve gone Into mimeograph. . . .64 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act I Miss Jonzs: Some laugh! (Axx line up across stage.) ALL: This irresistible Paris original, This mass-produced crime, I'm wearing tonight For the very last time! (After number, Grris mill around stage R. MEN enter jrom U.t., looking around confused as they see all the girls dressed alike. HEpy enters DLL., poses by portal. She is wearing the same dress. MEN cross L. to her and whistle.) Mew: What a dress! Gints: (In disgust) Oh! (They drift us. Buv enters from t., stops by Hedy.) Bub: Hedy, will you have a drink? Hepv: (Dignified) I never ‘touch anything alcoholic before five p.m. Bup: (Looking at his watch) It’s ten after five. (Men cross awey.) Hepy: Which way is the booze? Bup: Right over here. (Two Watters push a rolling bar ont. below stair unit.) Hepy: I'll have a double Martini. (She and Bup go to bar UL. ROSEMARY starts off R. FINCH enters jrom DR., crosses to Rosemary, stopping her, BIGGLEY enters from UL. from stairway with OVINGTON, Bratt and TACKA- BERRY.) Bicctey: (On stair unit) Here he is, boys and girls. (Crosses v.c. They surround Ovington, shake hands, etc.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 65 OvincToN crosses p.R. of Biggley. BRATT crosses to his L., followed by TACKABERRY.) You know our advertising de- partment has been in trouble for a long time. But I think we now have a fellow who is going to help put World Wide Wickets back on top. Mr. Benjamin Burton Daniel Ovington. (ALL applaud.) OvincTon: (x. of Biggley) Thanks, boys and girls. I just want to say that I’m proud to be joining the World Wide Wicket family. I don’t know very much about wick- ets, but I do know about advertising. My theory of ad- vertising can be summed up in one sentence: “Shove it down their throats with a soft sell.” BiccLey: Good sound thinking. Ovincton: And I’d like to say that . . . Hepv: (Crosses p.t. from bar. Bun follows) Benjamin Burton Daniel Ovington. What the hell kind of name is that? (BiccLey whispers something to Bratt. BRATT crosses L. to Hedy.) Ovincton: But I’d like to say that. . . (BIGcLEY stops him.) Bratt: Say, Bud... Hevy: (To Bratt) You call this a double Martini? There’s only one olive in it. Ovincton: I'd like to say . . . (BIGGLEY stops him.) Bratt: Bud, J.B. says for you to take Miss La Rue home. She doesn’t seem to be feeling well. Hepy: I'm feeling fine! Bup: You feel terrible. (As ke starts to take her off, Huby pulls free, crosses R. to Finck.) Huby: Hey, Finchy, let’s dance. Ovincton:’ And I'd like to say . . . (BIGGLEY stops him again.) Fincx: (Grabbing Roscmary) I’m already dancing with Rosemary. (//c and Rosumaxy do a few steps.) BiccLry: Everybody dance! (Turns, takes Miss Jones to his t., begins to dance.)66 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Ovincton: Furthermore, I’d like to . . . (Girt grabs him and they start dancing, Grouv starts to dance, Bun tries to take Hedy away again, She kicks him.) Bup: Ouch! (Hepy disappears into group dancing, with Bup following.) Come on, Hedy. No games. (He comes out of crowd, dragging Smitty by the hand, cross- ing v't.) Come on, Hedy, J.B. wants me to take you. . . ‘Smitty: Bud, you must have heard the rumor! (Bup sces he has the wrong girl, groans, dives back into dancing group, calling after Hedy.) ACT I Scene 13 ExrvaTor LANDING. Stage e. clevator door opens. Bup and Hepy come out. Door closes behind them. Hepy: Wow! That elevator made me dizzy. Bup: Come on, Hedy. (They both start crossing L.» Hevy: What I need is a shower. Bun: J.B. wants me to take you home. (Tries to take her stage R.) Heov: (Resisting, crossing L. with him) No. I’m going to J.B.’s office. He has a private shower. I’ll take a shower and then come back to the party. (Starts dance step.) Bun: Okay, Hedy, have a nice shower. Huby: Thanks, Bud. (Pinches kis check.) You know, you're cute, Not as cute as Finch, but you're cute. (Ske exits L.) ‘Bub: Not as cute as Finch! (Ae stands there rankingACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 67 for a moment. Man enters from R., crosses to stage R. elevator door, pushes Up button. Bun crosses R. to man.) Going up to the party, Pete? Man: Yeah. Bup: Will you tell Mr. Finch I want to see him down here. (Elevator door opens.) Tell him it’s important. Man: Okay. (Elevator door closes. Bun, left alone, now starts a dance.) Bup: (Humming) De da da dum, la da de de... Old sexy Hedy is in there, taking a shower... (Dances.) And I've got a little something up my sleeve. o>, Olé! (Dances.) That’s going to put little old Finchy Tight out on his... (Kicks floor with heel. Dance is interrupted by elevator stage x. door opening. FINCH comes out.) Oh, hello, Finch. Finck: What's this all about, Bud? (Crosses L. to Bup.) Bun: J.B. wants you to go to his office. He'll meet you there. Fincu: (Puzzled) But I just saw him. He didn’t say anything. Bup: I guess he didn’t want to say anything in front of Ovington. You know how it goes around here with ad- vertising managers. Fincu: (Crosses t. below Bud) Do you think your uncle is considering . . . ? Bun: 1 don’t know anything. I only know I was told to tell you to go to his office. . Fincu: Well, I’ve never seen .his office, anyway. ‘Thanks, Bud. (He goes L.) Bup: You're welcome. Now to get my uncle. (BUD goes into routine consisting of the following: As he crosses, ke sings.) Good-bye, Finchy—Hello, Uncle Jas- per... (He breaks into a wild samba and leaps 0-8.) Ole!68 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 ACT I Scene 14 J.B. Bicctev’s OrFice. A very beautiful, lush office. Two sofas on either side of the large center window. Desk and big high-backed chair c, Theré is also a small anteroom v.L. with a secretary's desk visible to the audience. There is a door panel to enter Biggley’s office L. above secre- tary’s desk. In the main office there is a door U.R. leading to the private bath and shower. On rise no onc is om stage. FINCH enters D.L., enters through anteroom door, walks into Biggley’s office. He has never been in here before and his attitude shows it. He looks around in admiration and awe. Crosses above desk x. Feels the soja, touches the glass on the window c., slides his hand over the top of the chair, swings chair around to face audience. This is what he would like to have himself someday, He sits in chair. Fincu: (Addressing the world at large) Someday . . . someday .. . (Bathroom door u.R. opens slowly. Hevy appears, FINCH doesn't see her. He is sitting in the chair and lost in his dreams, Hepy sneaks above desk to L. side of the chair, puts her hands over his eyes.) Hepy: Guess who? Fincu: (Feels behind him) Mr. Biggley? Hepv: (Dropping her hands) No, it’s me! Fincu: (Rises, turns, looks startled) Oh, hi, Hedy. I was supposed to meet Mr, Biggley here. Hey: Mr. Biggley? He’s not coming. Somebody gave you a bum steer. Faycw: I should have known it was a rib. Well, I’dACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 69 better . . . (Starts for door L., but HeEpy crosses v. be- tween him and the door.) Hepy: What's your hurry? Fincu: I think I'd better get*back to the party. Hepy: It’s more fun down here. Fincu: Well, I think I’d better. Hepy: You're anxious to get back to that Rosemary, huh? Are you stuck on her? Fincw: (Crosses to c.) Rosemary? Oh, she and I are just good friends. Hepy: (Crosses r. to him) That's very sensible. An up-and-coming young chap like you shouldn’t be tied down. I've been watching you, buster. (Ske smacks him in the stomach.) You're going places. (Crosses 1. two steps.) Fincu: Venezuela. Look, Hedy . . . Hepy: Wouldn’t J.B. die if he walked in and found you kissing me? Fic: Frankly, ’d rather he didn’t. Heoy: Come on, let’s try it. Fincu: Uh uh. Hepy: You'd better, Finch. If you don’t kiss me, I'll tell J.B. you did, FincH: Okay. Just once. (FINcH sits in chair c, Hepy sits in his lap, hisses him. Ajter kiss, harp glissando is played, Fince then tries to rise but collapses from aftermath of kiss. “Rose- mary” theme is now heard, played by trumpet.) Fincw: (Halj-singing) Rosemary! (Rises.) Heoy: Huh? (Orchestra—trumpet plays C Maj. theme.) Fincu: (Crosses R.) Can't you hear it? (Half-sing- ing.) Rosemary! Heoy: Rosemary? Fincu: That kiss...70 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS acti Hepy: What about that kiss? Fincx: Rosemary! Heov: It is highly insulting to think of two broads in the middle of one kiss. Fincu: I'm sorry, Hedy, but something happened to me. Ican’t explain . . . Heoy: (Points at kim) Finch, You are in love. (Loud CRESCENDO of “Rosemary” theme.) Fincu: (Takes front, stunned) That’s right! Finch is in love! It’s like music all around me. Like a symphony. I must have been in love ever since she took my particu- lars. Hepy: (Crosses R. to him) And you found this out by kissing me? Fincx: Ves, Hedy. Hepy: I don’t know my own strength. (She goes U:R. into bathroom. Fincu raises his arms, about to conduct invisible orchestra. He indicates downbeat.) ROSEMARY FINcH: Suddenly there is music In the sound of your name . . . (Looks around.) Rosemary (Crosses R.) Rosemary (Crosses DR.) Was the melody locked inside me, “Til at last out itcame .. . Rosemary! (Crosses DL.) Rosemary, (Crosses toc.) Just imagine if we kissed, What a crescendoact I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING (Raises his hand high, closes eyes, slowly drops hand.) Not to be missed. (Crosses R.) As for the rest of my lifetime program, Give me more of the same . . . (Falls and rolls on floor.) Rosemary. Rosemary, There is wonderful music In the very sound of your name. (Stays on floor D.R.) Rosemary: (Enters 1. through anteroom and crosses R. to edge of desk) Ponty, I heard Bud Frump talking at the party. Where is she? FINCH: (Rises, crosses L. to ker) Rosemary, something wonderful has happened. Rosemary: What are you talking about? Fincu: Can’t you hear it? Can’t you hear it? Suddenly there is music in the sound of your name... Rosemary: I can’t hear a thing. Fincu: Rosemary Just listen. it’s all around me, like a beautiful pink sky... Rosemary: (Crosses x. to him) Now look here, J. Pierrepont Finch, have you lost your mind? Fincu: Rosemary, darling, will you marry J. Pierre- pont Finch? Rosemary: Now I hear it! I hear it! (Crosses 1.) I hear it! Suddenly there is music In the sound of your name . . . (Finca crosses R.) J. Pierrepont. (They both cross to cach other c.) FINCH: Rosemary, just imagine72 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 If we kissed . . . What acrescendo . . . (They kiss, hold it while piano concerto is played. At end of concerto, they break kiss, re- main holding hands, turn front.) Bot: Not to be missed. | FINCH: As for the rest of my lifetime Program give me more of the same . . . (They both cross R.) FINCH: Rosemary: Rosemary J. Pierrepont, (Borst cross L. of c.) J. Pierrepont Rosemary J. Pierrepont Botu: There is wonderful music In the very sound of your name. (After song they embrace.) Fincuy: (r. of Rosemary) Oh, honey, I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to get ahead that I never... (HeDy re-enters u.R., wearing nothing but a big towel. Rosemary sees her but Fincu doesn’t, RosEMARY now looks very carefully at Finch as he talks.) .. . realized. It’s as though I’m seeing you for the first time. Rosemary: (Coldly) And I’m seeing you for the first time. You have on two different kinds of lipstick. Mine (Points to Hedy.) .. . and hers. Fincu: (Crosses x. to Hedy, startled) Rosemary, this is very easily explained. (Crosses L. to below chair.) You don’t understand, Rosemary: (Crosses 1.) Yes, I do. Well, don’t let me keep you, Go on. Go back to making love to her. Kiss her again. Take her home for the weekend. I don’t care! (She turns and walks out L.) Fincu: (Turns to Hedy) What will I do?ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 73 Hepy: Let's do what she said. (ROSEMARY stops in anteroom as she sees something off- stage L.) Rosemary: Oh oh! (She comes rushing back, crosses below Finch to v. of Hedy, addresses Hedy.) Get back in there. Hepy: I have nothing to hide. Rosemary: Yes, you have, and keep it hidden. (HEDY goes through u.R. door. ROSEMARY crosses D. to Finch, looks at him.) You snake, Now kiss me. (She grabs him. They kiss and hold it. BiccLEY and Bun enter L. in ante- room. Bub goes L., looking satisfied that his plan has been put into action. BiccLEY enters office, crosses R. to Finch and Rosemary, stops dead as he sees Rosemary, not Hedy, in clinch with Finch.) BiccLry: Oh, I'm sorry.I thought . . . (They separate and look at him.) Finca: Uh... ; Rosemary: Ob, it's my fault, Mr. Biggley. I insisted that Mr. Finch show me your office. Bicctey: (Recovering) 1 see. Well, actually, I just came in to wash up. (He starts u. above desk for bath: room ux. As BrocLxv goes above desk, ROSEMARY swiftly beats him to it. FINCH crosses L. of desk to watch.) Rosemary: (At bathroom door) Excuse me. (Slams door.) Bicctzy: (Faces closed door in a puzzled manner, He turns back, crosses p. to x. of Finck) Finch, I owe you an apology . . . Fincu: You do? For what? Bicciey: Never mind. However, I want you to know I still do not approve of what you were doing when I walked in. I do not care for anything like that between executives and their secretaries. Fincu: But Miss Pilkington is not my secretary.74 HOW To SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I Bicctey: Oh, yes. Good point. (Crosses 1. below Finch, starting off Finces Counters to R. of c. Bratt and Ovincton enter from ante room D.L.) Beart: We figured you might be here, J.B. We've been waiting for you, Ovincton: (Crosses px, of Biggley) I haven’t finished my speech yet, Bicctey: You made a fine speech, Fincu: Yes, you did, Mr. Ovington. Very good speech, (Crosses i.) Bratt: Ovington, this is Mr. Finch of Plans and Sys- tems, FINcH: How do you do, Mr. Ovington, Ovincron: How do you do? (He and FINCH shake hands.) Finc: I didn’t get a Chance to tell you at the party, Mr. Ovington, but I'm very interested in advertising and I've read a lot about you in Fortune Magazine. Some wonderful stuff, OvincTon: Thank you. Fincu: By the way, Mr. Biggley, did you know that Mr. Ovington was an All-American halfback at college? (Crosses x.) Bicctry: Is that so? Where did you play, Ovington? Ovincton: The Sreatest little college in the world— Northern State. Bioctey: (He and Fincyy exchange glances) A chip. fnunk: (Crosses R. to Finch, bus Beeps looking at Oving- from all colleges—Tigers, Bulldogs, Trojans, Gophers, Badgers—but never, never a Chipmunk! (Brart crosseq R, to Ovington, tabes out @ pen and resignation form from Pocket and offers it 40 Ovington to sign.) Your resigna- (Ovincton signs resignation, Bicotey and Ficus sing: ) eeACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 75 Bicctey and Fincx: Rip, rip, rip the Chipmunk Off the field (OviNGTON starts off L., stops, turns.) Ovincton: Chipmunk rah, Chipmunk rah, chip chip chip chip Chipmunk! (He exits L, through anteroom and oe eoLEY: (Crosses p.c.) That was a narrow squeak. Fincu: It was a big shock to me. BiccLey: Finch, it’s a good thing you're on the ball when it comes to advertising. BRATT: (Crosses R. to Biggley) Say, J.B., what are we going to do for a new advertising manager? BiccLey: Finch, maybe it’s Fate that you happen to be here at this very moment. (Crosses R. to Finch.) You've always wanted this rotten job. Do you think you could handle it? Fincu: (Crosses r. two steps) I don’t know, sir. BiccLey: (To Bratt) If there’s one thing I admire in a man, it’s humility. (Bratr looks away. To Finch.) Finch, I’m making you vice president in charge of adver- tising. Fincu: Me? A vice president? Bratt: J.B., I don’t want to question your decision. Finch is very bright, but he’s rather inexperienced and . Brcctey: I like him. BRATT: I like him. (Throws up hands in resignation.) BiccLey: I think we've hit on something here, Bratt. This boy is loaded with great ideas. Bratt: Ideas? Tell us some of them, Finch. Fincu: Well, I haven’t had time to figure them . . . BicoLey: (Quickly cutting in) Come on, Finch. (Crosses one step R.) Where are those ideas? Fincx: Well, sit,I ... . BiccLey: Put up or shut up, son. Fincu: Well, the thing is . . Bicctey: Get on the ball or you'll be out of here like a shot.76 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 Fincu: But, sir, I’d like to be able to give you a clear-cut campaign |. . Bratt: (Crossing R. to Finch) Say, J.B., the Plans Board is meeting day after tomorrow. Finch’ can tell us all his ideas then. Bicctzy: Fine. Finch, you've got forty-eight hours to make an advertising Presentation. (Starts off 1. with Bratt, stops and turns to Finch.) Better get going, Finch. You’re now a vice president in full charge of ad- vertising and, frankly, up to now I’m pretty dissatisfied with your work. (He and Bratt exit 1.) Fincu: I don’t care what happens. I'm a vice presi- dent. Vice President Finch. (Crosses ut. to desk, picks up phone.) Hello, get me the stationery shop downstairs. Hello, this is Mr. Finch. Remember those cards I spoke to you about last week? Go ahead and print them right SS rrT—~—r—T———LU—C“EF§=E?§$™="=== === members girls, calls.) Oh, girls, you can come out now. (Hepy and Rosemary come out. Hepy is now back in her Paris original dress.) Hepy: Thanks, Rosemary. (Crosses t. above desk, starting off.) Fincet: (Crosses r.) Rosemary, I've got a surprise for you. I’ve been made a vice president. Hepy: (Stops) Congratulations. Can I be your sec- retary? Fincu: Gee, I'd love that, Hedy, but Rosemary is go- ing to be my secretary, (Rosemary turns her back to Finch.) Hepy: T'll go back to the steno pool. (She goes 1, stops in anteroom.) Guess I'll wait for that pigeon till after he’s married, (She exits off 1.) Fincy: (Crosses R., taps Rosemary on shoulder) Rosemary? Rosemary: (Still turned away) I’m going to be your secretary? (Turns to him.) Fine: Sure. You were Mr. Ovington’s secretaryACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 17 (Crosses L.) and now I’m taking over his whole depart- ment. Rosemary: (Crosses L. to him) And what makes you think I'd be your secretary. I'd rather die, Fincu: Rosemary, you must. You have to. I'm in charge of advertising now. You know what a tough job that is. I can only do it if I have your help. Rosemary, Tneed you. ROSEMARY: You do? (FINCH nods yes. She thinks for @ moment.) Well, in that case . . . All right, I'll be your. secretary. Fincu: Wonderful. Now let’s get to work. (Starts of L.) Rosemary: Just like that? Haven't you forgotten something? Fincu: Oh, yeah. (Stops, crosses back to desk, picks up phone.) Hello, operator. Who paints names on office doors? Rosemary: Finch, aren’t you going to kiss me? Fincu: Kiss you? I can’t. Rosemary: Why not? Fincu: You're my secretary. Wait a minute, Rose- mary. (Into phone.) Hello, name painter? (ROSEMARY turns front.) Rosemary: “Wait a minute, Rosemary. Hello, name painter?” (Bup enters D.L., opens door and sticks head into office to eavesdrop.) Fincw: This is Mr. Finch. I want my name on my door in gold leaf. Bun: Oh! (Collapses, holding onto door.) FINCH: RosEMARY: J. Pierrepont Finch Suddenly there is music J. Pierrepont! In the sound of my name . . . ‘All capitals! Rosemary Yes, block letters! Tav Pierrenont!HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1 FIncu: Vice president In charge of advertising F-I-N-C-H ‘The usual spelling . . . Jay Pierrepont (Hangs up phone.) Boy, when you see it on your own door! There is wonderful music in the very Sound of your name Rosemary: (Crosses R.) Rosemary All of my lifetime Program will be more the same. Remember me, (Crosses U.R.) Whatever happened to Rosemary There is (Crosses p.x.) wonderful music in the very Sound of your name Bun: (By door .t.) Vice president! There must be a way to stop him, There must be! There must Jay Pierrepont Jay Pierrepont I can’t stand it (Sits.) (Rises.) I will return! I will return! END OF ACT 1Tue OUTER OFFICE. All of the Orrice Girts, including Suarry, are sitting around, gossiping. Bup FRumP is standing u. of C. below row of desks, crosses R, to TACKABERRY, who is standing R. of Cc. with TovnnEE. He whispers some- thing to them, they exit R, BRATT enters U.R. from the executive suite, crosses DR. of C. BUD turns, crosses L. to him and whispers something to him. BRATT crosses L. and exits. JENKINS enters L., BUD crosses to kim, stopping him t. of c. and whispers to him. The Girts U.S. have been observing the above business. SMITTY, C., crosses R. £0 Miss KRUMHOLTZ. They both cross D., observing Frump and Jenkins stage R. Surrty: There’s sure a lot of whispering going on to- day. Miss Krumuottz: It’s the Merchandise Mafia at work, (BUD and JENKINS exit L.) Ever since Finch be- came a vice president, they’ve all been scared out of their wits. When’s the big meeting? Surrty: It’s set for this afternoon. I hope Ponty comes up with something. (RosEMARY enters U.R. from the ex- ecutive suite. She is dressed for departure, hat, bag, etc. Smitty crosses to her. Miss KRUMHOLTz crosses U. to the girls at the desks.) Where are you going? RosEMARY: (C.) Home. Smitty: At ten o’clock in the morning? Rosemary: I’ve resigned. I’m quitting. Smitty: Nonsense. You've been threatening that all week. 7980 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act 1m Rosemary: This time it’s official. (Crosses R.) I left a letter of resignation on his desk. Wait till he reads it. Smarty: (Crosses R.) But, uh... Rosemary: Smitty, I just can’t take it any more. I don’t mind a person ignoring me completely as long as he pays a little attention. (Crosses R.) Smitty, he doesn’t need me. Smarty: (Crosses R.) He did tell you he loved you and that he wanted to marry you. (Ture Grrts drift down to hear the conversation.) Rosemary: Sssshh, Smitty, that was supposed to be a secret. Smitty: Oh, don’t worry. I haven’t told anybody. Miss Krumuot1z: (L. of Smitty) What’s the matter? Smutty: Rosemary is resigning from Finch. First Girt: (1. of Miss Krumholtz) But I thought he was going to marry her. SECOND Girt: (L. of First Girl) That’s what I thought. Miss KruMHOLTz: Me, too. (SMITTY crosses L., trying to shush the girls as ROSEMARY crosses L. to Smitty, looks at her accusingly.) Smitty: (Apologetically) I only told the girls. (To girls.) Don’t worry. She will forgive him. Rosemary: Never! Miss Krumuottz: (Takes Rosrmary v.s. to second desk from c.) Aw, you got to. Smirty: (Crosses u. to L. of Rosemary) Look, Rose- mary, there’s one thing you can’t overlook—that’s loyalty. Rosemary: I’ve been very loyal to him. Smitty: I don’t mean to him. I mean to us... us girls, Girts: That’s right. Sure. Uh huh. Etc. CINDERELLA, DARLING Smutty: How often does it happenACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 81 ‘That a secretary’s boss Wants to marry ’er? GirLs: Hallelujah! Smitty: How often does the dream come true Without a sign of conflict Or barrier? Girts: Hallelujah! Smitty: Why treat a man like he was a typhoid carrier? How often can you fly From this land of carbon paper (Four GIRLS cross D.L.) To the land of flower’d chintz? Grrts: Hallelujah! Smitty: How often does a Cinderella Get a crack at the prince? Girts: Cinderella and the prince! Rosemary: Cinderella? Wait a minute. I’m rio Cinder- ella, I've got eighty-five dollars in the bank and a savings bond. Smitty: It’s not a matter of money. He’s a vice pres- ident. That makes him automatically a prince, True? Giris: True? Miss Krumuotz: So, you're automatically a Cinder- ella. A Girt: See? (Shoves wastepaper basket on RosE- MARY’s foot as a glass slipper.) Smitty: Don’t you realize You're a real, live fairy tale; A symbol divine. So, if not for your own sake, Please, darling, for mine.82. HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS act n Girts: And mine, And mine, And mine. Don’t, don’t, don’t, Cinderella, darling’ Don’t turn down the prince! Smarty: Don’t rewrite your story; (Crosses D.x..) You're the legend, The folklore, The working girl’s dream of glory! (Rosemary crosses p.c, Gris gather around.) ALL: We were raised on you, darling, And we've loved you ever since. (They back away.) Don’t mess up a major miracle, Don't, Cinderella, (They all cross to Rosemary.) Don’t turn down the prince. (Grex takes wastebasket off her foot.) Smitty: Oh, let us live it with you, Each hour of each day. On from Bergdorf Goodman . . . First Girt: To Elizabeth Arden . . SECOND GirL: In the station wagon . . . Miss Krumuottz: Hurry from Twenty-One . Trp Girt: To the Tarrytown P.T.A.