THE ONION BOOK OF

KNOWN KNOWLEDGE

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 This book uses invented names throughout, except notable public figures who are the subjects of satire. Any other use of
real names is accidental, unintended, and coincidental.

Copyright 2012 by The Onion, Inc.

All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of
any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the authors
intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written
permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the
authors rights.

Little, Brown and Company

Hachette Book Group
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First Edition: October 2012

Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc., and is celebrating its 175th anniversary in 2012.
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Cover design by Colin Tierney

Printed in the United States of America

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 EDITOR IN CHIEF
Joe Randazzo

EDITOR S
John Harris, Seth Reiss, Jason Roeder, Will Tracy

M ANAGING EDITOR
Kate Palmer

DEPU T Y M ANAGING EDITOR

Brian Janosch

WRITER S
Joe Garden, John Harris, Brian Janosch, Dave Kornfeld, Chad Nackers,
Joe Randazzo, Seth Reiss, Jason Roeder, Will Tracy

CONTRIBU TING WRITER S

Jermaine Affonso, Cole Bolton, Dan Guterman, Todd Hanson,
Chris Karwowski, John Krewson, Zack Poitras

EDITORI AL COORDINATOR
Ben Berkley

ART DIRECTOR
Colin Tierney

GR APHICS EDITOR S
Michael Faisca, Nick Gallo

ILLUSTR ATOR S
Larry Buchanan, Emily Flake, Charles Giglia, Ben Grasso,
Mike Loew, Kiji McCafferty, David Pagano, Bob Sikoryak,
Pete Sucheski, Ward Sutton

CONTRIBU TOR S
Shira Rachel Danan, Michael Drucker, Django Gold, Sam Kemmis
Matt Klinman, Lane Moore, Jill Morris, Andrei Nechita, Michael Pielocik,
Jocelyn Richard, Anita Serwacki, Sigmund Stern

CONTRIBU TING DESIGNER

Mike Ley

GR APHICS A SSISTANTS
Craig Cannon, Gregory Ronquillo, Gilbert Shi, Maxime Simonet, William Wiggins

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 Knowledge is that supple fruit upon which the
mind feasts as though it were a dog eating fruit
from the kitchens floor.

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 On Knowledge
ince the very dawn of the human age, knowl- can be adequately retained. The ancient Sumerians trans-
edge has been the essential building block of mitted knowledge by holding a man at spearpoint and forc-
civilization and the foundation for all that is ing him to repeat a fact for two straight weeks, stabbing him
and can be known of the physical universe. It forcefully in the abdomen should he ever recite any part of it
is the most precious resource in existence, a binding force incorrectly. The Greeks transmitted knowledge by dangling
that separates Man from beast, and also from the Very Dumb a perfectly tanned, naked, hairless boy just out of a mans
Man, such as yourself. Without knowledge, one cannot reach until such time as he could precisely recall at least one
know with total certainty that the Earth orbits the sun; that fact of moderate size. The Finnish people continue to prac-
one race is objectively superior to another; that a male cayjyx tice a highly experimental and hazardous form of surgical fact-
will only molt at the precise apogee of the winter quonstant. implantation known as Hykt Tosiasia, wherein an indi-
Without knowledge, life would have no Onion Book Of vidual is placed in a barbiturate-induced coma and injected
Known Knowledge, and thus no meaning. with a small mechanized termite that lays 40 to 50 bioengi-
But what does it mean to know something? An exceedingly neered fact eggs that feed hungrily on unused brain matter
perceptive and illuminating question, you will agree. All hu- and blood.
man beings begin to know from the moment of conception. No matter how it is transmitted, the societal benefits of
As infants, we instinctively know how to breathe and sleep. knowledge are widely documented and indisputable. Also
By age 7 or 8, most humans know the rudiments of interna- widely documented and indisputable is the fact that you, the
tional tax law, perhaps not down to the particulars of every reader, are dumb, and almost unfathomably so. Therefore, it
bilateral treaty or tax information exchange agreement is the express purpose of this august volume to make you not
(TIEA), but certainly insofar as thin capitalization or the only less dumb, but also more aware of your paralyzing
legal distinction of tangible versus intangible property is dumbness, more acutely conscious of the way your dumb-
concerned. Likewise, by the time one reaches young adult- ness limits you, and more deeply ashamed of the way your
hood, one can be said to instinctively know that life is devoid dumbness serves as a constant source of disappointment to
of all meaning, and that the grim sepulchre of death looms your family, your intellectual betters, and to the human spe-
all too clearly in the encroaching future. cies as a whole. If the great ongoing project of knowledge is
Yet most knowledge in the universe comes from a special to survive, it falls upon books such as this to tow the writh-
process known as learning, and the foundation of all learn- ing, reeking dumb mass of humanity toward that distant
ingand all knowledgeis a powerful but microscopic shore of intellectual enlightenment, and you, reader, are a
particle called a fact. Science tells us the average human part of this grand adventure. A small and laughably inconse-
brain contains roughly 345 facts, as well as an estimated quential part, but a part nonetheless.
13,500 fact fragments that have either been damaged be- So let us now commence with all the knowledge that is yet
yond repair or have grafted themselves onto nearby nonfacts known by Man. We do not expect one to understand all of
to create a mutated and highly invasive species of fact-fiction the contents of this book, or even some, or even more than
hybrid. Research suggests that a normal human brain is able six. But rest assured, from this day forward your empty,
to distort and disregard facts at a rate only equaled in clinical meaningless life shall never be quite so pathetic and desper-
trials by certain varieties of freshwater fish. atenor quite so blissful in its wanton ignorance. And with
Thus, civilizations throughout history have formulated a that, we bid you good luck.
number of practices for transmitting knowledge so that facts

VII

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 The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge Editorial Board
Douglas Siegfried Zweibel Professor David Bernard Hoot
Fields of Expertise: Business Management, Fields of Expertise: Colonial Studies,
Economic Theory Early American History
Education: Ph.D., Zweibel State University Education: Ph.D., Brown University
Occupation: Director, Zweibel Center for Occupation: Professor of the Humanities,
Knowledge Studies Rutgers State University
Major Publications: Post-Zweibelian Major Publications: The Torch Of Truth: Amos
Economics And The Inferiority Of Less Bronson Alcott And The Transcendentalist Mind; An
Owl Abroad: Reflections On A Sabbatical In France

Martin Herman Zweibel P. Hezekiah Mirr

Fields of Expertise: Business Management, Fields of Expertise: Microbiology, Yarn, Human
East Asian Studies Mind Limitations
Education: Home-schooled, Ph.D. bestowed Education: Ph.D., Oxford University
by T. Herman Zweibel Occupation: Unknown
Occupation: President of Western Major Publications: The Onion English Dictionary
Hemisphere Operations, Yu Wan Mei Group (Vols. IXLVII); Nocturnal Infiltrations Of The
Major Publications: The Onion Atlas Of The Brain-State And The Coming Consciousness War
Planet Earth (ed.)

Judith Karst-Zweibel
Alcmaeon Fields of Expertise: Business Management,
Fields of Expertise: Infinity Studies, Dimensional Cultural Studies
Theory, British Verse Education: Ph.D., Zweibel State University
Education: Unknown Occupation: President, Onion Books
Occupation: Director of Human Resources, The Major Publications: The Shadow Of Allium:
Onion, Inc. Memoirs Of A Childhood Undone
Major Publications: A Passion Unchained

Dr. Han Soo Jong Robert Mugabe

Fields of Expertise: Quantum Physics, Fields of Expertise: Revolutionary Politics,
Postwar French Literature Library Sciences, Authoritarian Government
Education: Ph.D., Massachusetts Institute Education: University of London, Master of
of Technology Laws
Occupation: Senior Researcher, the Quint Occupation: President of Zimbabwe
Group
Major Publications: Sonic-Neural
Reanimation And The Cellular Response

A N o t e O n H o w Th i s R e f e r e n c e Vo l u m e Wa s C o m p o s e d
The task of researching, writing, compiling, scholars were forced to sign strict contracts tion on their entryand many hundreds
and editing this 183rd Imperial Edition of The whereby they were made to resign from their didwere within 48 hours replaced with a
Onion Book Of Known Knowledge was an ardu- regular occupations, divorce their spouses, des- new academic who was forced to start entirely
ous and costly process requiring thousands ert their children, and immerse themselves en- from scratch.
upon thousands of man-hours of labor in addi- tirely in their single entry for as many years as it Each of the esteemed writers who partici-
tion to a production budget exceeding $740 took for them to become the greatest living au- pated in this process was required to deliver
million. While the means utilized to generate thority on that subject. entries of at least 400,000 words, which would
the material in this book were not always strict- For example, the entry on Ant required Dr. then be edited down by our editorial board to a
ly permissible in a moral or legal sense, the im- James Huntington of the University of East An- length of anywhere from one to 300 words, at
portance of producing an essential fount of glia to live alone among a colony of Linepith- which point the scholars would then be paid
knowledge to stand for all eternity was ulti- ema humile ants in the Argentine wilderness for the industry standard rate of $0.78 per word for
mately placed above such trifling four and a half decades, a scholarly endeavor their efforts. Once the book was delivered to
considerations. that apparently caused Dr. Huntington to go the publisher, all the scholars were then mur-
Each entry in this volume was assigned to a quite mad, but which nonetheless produced an dered to prevent the invaluable information
different preeminent scholar who was respon- entry of impeccable accuracy and pedagogical they gathered from being disseminated in com-
sible for shepherding that specific entry, and richness that was eventually cut for space. peting works of reference. Please enjoy this
that specific entry alone, into being. These Those scholars who died gathering informa- reference volume.

VIII

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 About The Friedrich A number of satellite research centers have also been estab-
lished around the worldwith one currently in every country
Sieg fried Zweibel Center on earththat seek to locate and apprehend any source of
For Knowledge Studies knowledge where it originates or resides. By 2030, our goal is
to establish a Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel Center for Knowl-
edge Studies in every home in every town and municipality in
the world.
For the 183rd consecutive year, this reference volume has
been approved by the Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel Center for
Knowledge Studies as a certifiably invaluable work of refer-
ence, and the knowledge contained in these pages is hereby
declared fit to be known.

Funding
Funding for this encyclopedia was graciously provided by the
Friedrich S. Zweibel Foundation, furthering its long-standing
The tome you hold in your hands was compiled and edited at commitment to the vicious and unrelenting pursuit of knowl-
the Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel Center for Knowledge Studies, edge. The $295 million endowment has allowed editors to
an elite human institution dedicated to the intellectual devel- spare no expense in assembling the most thoroughly compre-
opment of the worlds monetarily gifted and their offspring. hensive edition to date, detailed in the following list of
The centers goal is to aid the book-buying peoples of the earth expenditures incurred in the 12-day period from the com-
in the knowing of knowledge, and to ensure that all knowledge mencement of research to the time our entire budget had
that is known is that which is contained herein. been spent:
Founded in 1881 on a generous grant from the Herman
Ulysses Zweibel Foundation, the Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel Research: $142.5 million
Center for Knowledge Studies is a sprawling 12-building cam- Research: $84 million
pus that contains state-of-the-art knowledge-testing technol- Letters AD: $1.3 million
ogy and hundreds of highly qualified researchers on hand to Letter E: $12.6 million
determine the validity and potency of potential pieces of Letters FZ: $23,000
knowledge for use in this book. Features of the center Rehearsal Space: $20/hr
include: Load-Bearing Tests: $659,000
Afternoon Tea: $221,050
Special Interrogation Chambers in which knowledge experts Image Rights: $1,543.66
in various fields are hooked up to electrodes and questioned Legal Fees: $6.8 million
by trained Zweibel Center Interrogators for a period of two Rescue Me Seasons 15 DVD box set: $58.99 + $8.79 S&H
hours to several years until they are coerced into revealing ev- Fact-Checking: $2.25/hr
ery detail of the knowledge they possess 10-Minute Phone Interview With Evander Holyfield:
12.7 kuno-volt sonic-neural analyzer donated by the Van $85,000
Braak Laboratories in Rotterdam Provender: $700,000
Clinically insane man Howard Brooke, whose ramblings are Trip To Verify Existence Of Mount Rushmore: $8,000
recorded and analyzed around the clock for potential theoreti- Second Trip To Confirm Rushmore Findings: $8,000
cal insight
One copy of every word

An entire fully operational shadow staff responsible for re-

searching, drafting, and editing an utterly false decoy encyclo-

pedia intended to throw off our competitors
Industrial blast furnace used to destroy all documents, ob-

jects, and personages deemed unworthy of study or irrelevant

to the knowledge-obtaining process

IX

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 How To Read This Book
Education Requirements Recommended Reading Stances
In order to obtain the high level of comprehension needed to
fully appreciate the concepts discussed in The Onion Book Of
Known Knowledge, readers must have all of the following
academic degrees and honors:

Ph.D., Linguistics, McGill University or Haverford College

LL.M., Tax Law, Yale Law School
Ph.D., Philosophy, Swarthmore College (PH401

Contemporary Metaphilosophy with Prof. Lawrence H.

Powers required)
B.S., Hotel Management, Ferris State College The Scholars Lament The Striking Cobra The Starstrider
B.F.A., Dance, the Julliard School

Ph.D., Public Policy, Harvard Kennedy School of

Government Pronunciation Chart

M.D., Emory University School of Medicine
Banana: (Bah NAH nah) Come on, imbecile, at least
M.S., Soil Management, Purdue University College
attempt to sound it out.
of Agriculture Wool: Its inconceivable that youve made it to this
Honorary Degree for contributions in the field of
point in the reference book and dont know how to
genetic studies, Bryn Mawr College pronounce wool. Truly, it boggles the mind.
Visiting Professor in Theoretical Physics, Massachusetts
Forest: Perhaps, rather than struggling with all your
Institute of Technology might to force the embarrassingly simple word forest
B.A., Culinary Arts, Johnson and Wales University
past your thick lips, you should instead look long and
Minor, Marketing, Penn State University, Fayette County
hard at yourself in a mirror and seriously consider
branch campus whether the world would be a better place without you
Ph.D., Art History, Collge de Sorbonne, Paris
in it (it would).
Pen/Faulkner Award
Rainbow: (RAYN b)lets stop this charade, shall
The Wolf Prize
we? Go turn on whatever latest televised claptrap holds
Copley Medal for Excellence in Science
your feeble attention and try your hardest not to
Nobel Prize (Peace)
procreate.
Graduate, New Trier Township High School
Crudits: Go fuck yourself.

Sample Entry
KEY
Name Key, device used to ex- Alphabetization
Bolded word identifying the
entry, for those who need plain extremely intuitive In most encyclopedias, entries are ordered from A to Z. To en-
their hand held for pretty things to complete dull- sure absolute precision, however, The Onion Book Of Known
much everything.
ards who, if they really Knowledge employs the Classical Alphabetization Notation,
Helper Space
Small gap between words dont have the mental which takes into consideration the exponential value of every
allows for ease of study and wherewithal to open to any letter in a given word, as determined by the value of the pre-
increased comprehension.
page of this book and ceding letter in that word. For example, the reason Art comes
Letter E
Each entry contains precisely quickly grasp the format of before Asp is because the r in Art gives its A an exponential
27 letter Es. this reference, are making a value of 0.00000054, whereas the s in Asp gives its A an expo-
End Of Entry very good case for nential value of 0.00000055. To quickly determine the exact
What are we, like four pages
in? God, youre exhausting. eugenics. exponential value of a letter, an electronic device called an or-
thographic spectrometer is used to analyze every entrys title.

I-XII front matter.indd 10 11/06/12 6:54 PM

 It can accurately measure the entrys exponential values and A Word On The Readability Of
predict, within 0.014 degrees, which entries come before and The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge
after it, in four to 16 hours, depending on the complexity of Of the many wonderful experiential qualities contained herein
the words. Over the centuries, we phased out these exponents, that the editorsnay, the faithful wardsof this venerable
though as recently as the 180th edition, Art would have ap- tome hold with fervent ardor and pride to their swelling
peared with its full Classical Alphabet Notation breasts, perhaps paramount is the readabilitythe quintes-
as: A0.00000054r0.0000000074t0.0000000089. sential accessibilityof the following materials, as pertains
especially to their organization and presentation. Indeed, if

even the smallest bright-eyed young lad, his burgeoning syn-
Understanding The Page Numbers apses firing off a dazzling, blinding cacophony of new connec-
Located on the lower right corner of each right-sided page, tive electricity, were not able to penetrate the collected knowl-
and on the lower left corner of each opposite-facing page, the edge held within these scant few pounds of wood-pulp and
reader will see a numerical designation known as a Page ink, then what, one might askwhatwould be the purpose
Number. These symbolswhich represent the abstract con- of compiling the wondrous tools of erudition that can be
ceptual units mathematicians call integersare placed found on the following pages? None! None at all! For these
there by the compilers of this volume as a tool to help gauge reasons, the reader of this reference will find that all of the en-
how far along in the book the reader may be at any given time. tries he now has at the tips of his very fortunate fingertips have
For example, the number 2 indicates that one is reading the been deftly executed with a crystal clarity akin to the limpid
second (or, if the reader prefers, the page immediately fol- pool in which Narcissus found his final undoingbecause,
lowing the first) page of the book. If 121 is visible, that dear reader, lest we forget what we all know to be true, astra
means that one hundred twenty pages have elapsed since page non mentiuntur, sed astrologi bene mentiuntur de asters.
one. Likewise, if the reader comes across a 48, that means
there have been twelve additional pages since the thirty-sixth
page (identified by the 36 printed in its lower corner) and
A Note To Our Filipino Readers
that there are seventy-three pages to read before one reaches Kahit kadalasang ninanais ng Direktoryong Editoryal ng The
the aforementioned Page 121. If, at any point during the Onion na igalang ang pinakamaranyang klase ng mga tao
book, the reader wishes to calculate the distance between the lalong lalo na ang mga Pilipinokailangan naming humingi
current page and a page yet to come, he must subtract from ng paumanhin: Ang tagapalathalang Amerikano ay isinapilit
the former the numerical value of the latter and write the dif- na kailangang ilathala itong edisyon sa pinakabarumbado at
ference in the Page Calculation Log located in the back of the pinakainutil na wika, Ingles, dahil karamihan ng mga mamba-
book, taking special care to adjust the total with each subse- basa ay hindi nakakaintindi ni isang salitang Tagalog, kahit
quent page read, until the overall difference equals 1, at batid ng lahat na ito ang pinagpalang wika. Inaasahan namin
which point the Page Calculation Log will no longer serve any na hindi nyo ikagalit, ikadiri, o kaya ay mapilitan kayong umi-
function and the reader will have to erase the results and start was ng landas para sa ikabubuti ng kalagayan ng The Onion.
anew. Though it is not required to progress through the book Nanatili kaming matupad na katuwang ninyo
in numeric order, the reader is advised not to complete any magpakailanman.
pages with a symbol other than a number or an italicized Ro-
man numeral in the place where a page number should be
found; such symbols can include but are not limited to hearts,
crosses, pentagrams, Cyrillic, a series of almost illegible dots,
a lions head, a biohazard symbol, the FedEx logo, or 19. If the
reader comes across any of these, he should be aware that he is It should be mentioned that the original encyclopedia manuscript the Onion
no longer reading this book, and has either completed the staff had been working on for more than a decade was destroyed in a fire three
book and moved on to another, or was never reading the book days before publication, and the entire volume you hold in your hands was
frantically written by the two surviving editors in less than 48 hours.
in the first place.

XI

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 A Note On This Encyclopedias Expunged Entries

By T. Herman Zweibel, Publisher Emeritus of The Onion

Given my advancing age, I have neither the time, inclination, nurse-power, nor store of available
laudanum on hand to sort through every page of this infernal Record of Knowledge and strike
any fact or irrefutable truth which causes me deep and abject rage. Nevertheless, since the
stammering mule-men I evidently am paying to be this books scholarly board insist on shipping
these pages to the printers, I wish to humbly submit the following list of words or notions that I have specifically
forbidden from having any mention in the body of this 183rd or 184th Annual Onion Panoply of Facts:

Jewess: I believe we have already heard quite enough about Joseph Pulitzer: It seems I have won the day yet again, old
this obscene varietal of Semitic harlot, who seems to friend. May your blackened soul roil forever in eternal hellfire.
congregate so freely in the music halls and bank mezzanines
of our nations cities. Blickensderfer Type-Writer: A truly god-damned con-
founded machine with a tin type-wheel that stops and starts
Labor Union: I have never before acknowledged the and spits out nonsense like a crippled China-man. That is why
existence of such an organization, and I do not intend to I demanded every last blasted page of this book be written
start now. with an Underwood, and an Underwood only.

Clara Bow: If this vile temptress believes I have forgiven her Fiber-Optics: I chanced upon this gobbledygook in a galley
for spurning my numerous entreaties lo this past century then page and steadfastly refuse to acknowledge its existence in any
she is sorely mistaken. publication bearing my companys name.

Cabbage: I see no need to expound further on the putridity Blue: A deeply confounding color, be it sparkling in the
of this rancid weed, but suffice it to say I believe it fit only for springtime skies that lie just beyond the walls of my hermetic
the trough of an Irishman. bedchamber, or cruelly spiriting my poisoned mind back to
the speckled robins eggs I once collected so merrily in my
The Russo-Japanese War: The amount of money I lost on youth. I will not cede to it a place on the spectrum.
this exotic little imbroglio still pains the remnants of what my
nursemaid stubbornly insists is my heart. Peace, mercy, goodwill, togetherness, felicity, bliss, and
brotherhood: No addlepated fool ever sold a kings ransom
Tule Shrew: You can be damned sure I didnt hunt this species worth of books by babbling on about any of these pitiful
to extinction just to see it touchingly eulogized by a illusions. The story of life is one of death, drudgery,
syrup-brained member of my own so-called editorial staff. destitution, and decayno more, no lessand so it shall be
in these pages.

Yours, In Eternal Misery,

XII

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E A

Aapanthera, previously unknown Abdul-Jabbar, along with veteran Adam And Eve, according to the
breed of African big cat that, by point guard Faruq Akbar and small Book of Genesis, first man and
2012, had eaten all of the worlds forward Abdullah Ali-Abdullah woman created by God, and the last
aardvarks and taken their place at (born Oscar Robertson and Bob humans made personally by the Al-
the top of every alphabetically orga- Dandridge, respectively), led the mighty Himself until 1976, when
nized list. team to its only championship in He made La Porte, Indiana, resi-
Abdul-Jabbar, Kareem (b. Apr. 16, 1971. Abdul-Jabbar was banished dent Jerry Dunnigan out of clay just
1947), American from Milwaukee in 1975 after to see if He could still do it. Aa . .
basketball legend Costello caught him paying interest Addiction, physical or psychologi- First letter of the English
born Ferdinand on a loan and, infuriated, threw acid cal dependence on something such alphabet and your last
opportunity to come to terms
Lewis Lew Al- in the 7-foot-2 centers face, forcing as, well, in this particular case its al-
with the fact that you hold in
cindor, Jr., who him to wear protective goggles for cohol, but it could come in many your hands the most important
was forced to the remainder of his career. other forms as well. Addiction is book in history and are about
change his name Academy Award, film industrys sometimes focused on abstract con- to embark upon an intellectual
undertaking unlike any that has
after Milwaukee Bucks coach Larry highest honor, given annually to ac- cepts rather than actual chemical
ever existed. The letter A
Costello imposed a strict code of tors, directors, and other profes- substancesobviously not whats represents your moment of
Islamic law on his team. Issuing sionals for excellence in the field of happening here with all the binge- truth, your last chance to ask

threats of severe physical punish- desperately wanting an Academy drinking and the constant sipping yourself if youre up to the
demands of this volume and, if
ment, Costello commanded Abdul- Award. The American Academy of from a flask and so forth, but it does not, to have the integrity to
Jabbar and his teammates to wash Motion Picture Arts and Sciences happenand patterns of addiction place it back on the shelf and
their feet before stepping onto the has recognized the relentless desire can differ greatly in their intensity, select a less challenging title or
pursue an entirely different
court, grow thick beards in reverent for an Oscar since 1929 and has though in this instance, of course,
enterprise such as assembling
emulation of the holy prophet Mu- presented hundreds of awards to were clearly talking about someone a fun jigsaw puzzle. But if you
hammad, and eat, drink, and drib- those who best exemplify the orga- who pretty much needs a liter and a possess the hunger, the
ble with their right hands in accor- nizations standards of naked ambi- half of Gordons every day just to be discipline, and, yes, the
courage required for this
dance with the immutable will of tion. The Oscars are preceded each able to function. Treatment for ad-
encyclopedia, then the letter A,
Allah. Despite Costellos insistence year by the Golden Globes, which diction can take many forms, in- a vowel with six different
that the Bucks exhaust valuable are also awarded to those actors cluding detoxification, therapy, and sounds, is your first step
toward banishing ignorance
timeouts to pray toward Mecca, who most want to win an Oscar. support groups, with varying de-
once and for all.

SECOND, FIRST, AND 138TH PRESIDENT or if Adams had appointed them, but it was
John Adams nevertheless seen as a gracious act of statesmanship.
(b. Oct. 30, 1735 d. July 4, Unfortunately, when Washington was voted into
1826), erroneously consid- office four years earlier, he spent the first part of his
ered the second U.S. presi- term undoing everything Adams would later
dent, Adams, because of the achieve.
nonlinear way in which time
was organized in the 18th PET PEEVE
century, was technically Was often mistaken for a hungry baby bird by mother
president before Washington. As a result of the starlings and force-fed worms
complex pre-1800 nonconsecutive system of time,
HOBBY
Adams was in many ways the nations first com- Perusing fabric stores for perfect hair ribbon
mander in chief, as well as its 19th and 64th, the
first and 72nd vice president, Indianas fourth- NICKNAME
largest Hyundai dealer, the man who gave a majestic John John John
eulogy at the funeral of President John Adams in
ACCOMPLISHMENTS
1826, and backup quarterback for the Los Angeles Built up U.S. Navy by acquiring 200 oars
Rams from 2021 to 2026. As president, Adams
retained Washingtons cabinet, though its members OF NOTE
werent certain if they had served Washington first From birth to death, always had a little mud on his body

1-14 A.indd 1 11/06/12 6:07 PM

A Adoption to Muhammad Ali

vices and responsible for the de-

AN AMERICAN FORESON a much less distinguished struction of art and creativity itself,
John Quincy Adams president than his father, and though those Nike ones are pretty
(b. July 11, 1767 his performance after holding good. Advertising has become the
d. Feb. 23, the office was also less impres-
dominant driver of content in print,
1848), sixth U.S. sive, making him the only U.S.
president and citizen up to that point in film, and television, and it exerts a
the first history who was not able to deleterious influence on the subject
American to fail improve upon his parents lot in matter and quality of the media
to make a better life for himself life in any way, shape, or form. consumed, even if the Bud Light
than his father. After receiving a John Quincy Adams died in ads are usually funny. Though get-
Harvard education almost 1848 at the age of 80, living a
ting that Maxwell House jingle
identical to that of his father, full 10 years less than his father
John Adams, and practicing law did. stuck in your head is annoying, its
to less renown, Adams became probably not the worst thing in the
world, and to be honest, that goofy
grees of efficacy, none of which could honestly never love as much Geico lizard does kind of grow on
matter if you cant even get to the as their own biological offspring. you after a while.
stage of admitting theres a problem, Adulthood, period following ado- Affection, emotional sensation that
Abacus, beaded manual
and, clearly, there is. lescence in which one has figured one either gets too much of and
counting device invented by
ancient Sumerians to screw Adoption, practice of raising some out in explicit detail exactly what freaks out or gets too little of and
customers out of a fair price.
child nobody in the entire world one wants do with ones life, is freaks out.
wanted by pretending to be its par- always in control of every situation, Air, atmospheric gas that celebrities

ents. The adoption process requires and consistently takes the appropri- must share with regular people.
extensive background checks and ate actions to realize that which Airplane, fixed-wing flying vehicle

legal paperwork, allowing prospec- is necessary to bring about a life- invented in 1903 that has made it
tive parents numerous opportuni- time of happiness and personal impossible to avoid returning home
ties to back out and lead a fulfilling fulfillment. for Christmas, Thanksgiving, wed-
life without being dragged down by Advertising, vile method of com- dings, funerals, or any other event,
a kid who must have something munication aimed at persuading no matter how far away it is. Air-
wrong with them, and whom they people to purchase products or ser- planes counter the force of gravity
by using either static lift or the dy-
namic lift of an airfoil, which com-
ACORN, surveillance device manufactured by the government
that is constantlyy monitoringg everything
y g we say. pletely eliminates any excuse one
might have not to travel 1,500 miles
Microphone records
high-quality audio from targets for Labor Day weekend even
up to 100 meters away though they were just home for the
Camouflaged to blend in with Fourth of July and really would like
wooded environment and avoid
detection
to take an actual vacation for them-
selves one of these days. The ability
360-degree HD video camera
Acupuncture, ancient of the airplane to safely and swiftly
records continuously in either
Chinese system whose standard or night-vision mode cover large distances has allowed
practitioners compete to see
how many tiny needles they Wireless receiver, which acts millions to fly all the way in from
can insert into a patients skin as acorns main communica- San Diego for Mothers Day, which
tion platform with surveillance
before they are asked just headquarters isnt even a major holiday, or attend
what the fuck is going on here.
their sisters baby shower when ev-
The current record is 827,908. GPS tracker lets acorn
navigate between vectors, eryone knows theres no fucking
locate extraction point
way shed do the same for them. No
Self-destruction device in case fucking way.
surveillance operation is
compromised Alamo, Roman Catholic mission in
San Antonio, Texas, where in 1836
2

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E A

a small group of brave Americans both. Through a complex chemical and two fellow nurses as they race
selflessly laid down their lives process, alcohol is able to change a to remove the badly crushed and
against a much larger Mexican army concrete parking lot into a feather- gangrenous limbs of sobbing Union
to preserve their freedom to own down king-sized mattress or a hall soldiers who have been rushed to
other human beings as slaves. closet into a fully functional bath- field hospitals, many of them with
When the Mexican government room with working commode. Al- blood still gushing in crimson tor-
brazenly outlawed the practice of cohol in its various forms has addi- rents from their open wounds. Ex-
involuntary servitude in the region tional transformative properties, hausted and covered in infected
of Texas under its rule, volunteers including the ability to change gar- pus, flesh, and sinew, the three
from across America flocked to the bled, incoherent ramblings into women bond over jamming spent
Alamo to defendto the death if valid arguments and to initiate a munitions into soldiers mouths be- Alcatraz, island prison that
was impossible to escape until
necessarythe proud national tra- subtle process by which members fore frantically sawing off their arms inmates discovered a free ferry
dition of possessing men, women, of the same sex are metamorphosed or legs without anesthesia, and to San Francisco that departed
and children. At the end of a 13-day over the course of an evening into then, years later, over trying to every half hour.
siege, General Antonio Lpez de members of the opposite sex. It is drown out the shrill cries of agony
Santa Anna launched a final assault not currently understood, however, that continue to haunt their dreams.
before dawn on March 6, ultimately why no amount of alcohol has been Alcotts classic novel is still beloved
overwhelming the gallant Alamo able to change the way things ended by women around the world and
defenders, who are now immortal- with Dad. has been adapted into several
ized as heroes for sacrificing them- Alcott, Louisa May (b. Nov. 29, stomach-turning, almost unwatch-
selves so that others might live as 1832 d. Mar. 6, 1888), Civil War able feature-length films.
property. The Alamo is the most nurse and novelist who wrote Little Aldrin, Buzz (b. Jan. 20, 1930),
H H
popular tourist destination in Women, a graphic, semiautobio- American astronaut and second
Texas. graphical account of the hundreds man to shit his pants on the moon. H C H
C O
Alcohol, organic compound that of grotesque battlefield amputa- Ali, Muhammad (b. Jan. 17, 1942), H
can transform any physical surface tions she performed in the waning once-legendary boxer who domi- H
into a bed, toilet, or, when con- days of the conflict. The story fol- nated the sport for a decade but has ALCOHOL
sumed in high enough volumes, lows Josephine Jo March Bhaer gone 0-32 since his last victory in Scientists are still unsure how this
1978. Despite claiming the champi- compound transmutes bus station
benches into convenient toilets.
AGRICULTURE, cultiva- onship in 1964, 1974, and 1975, Ali
tion of animals and plants to suffered a steady decline in his
sustain life, and a landmark speed and footwork throughout the
human achievement in that it 1990s and 2000s, tiring quickly and
created a sedentary lifestyle that
throwing labored, easily deflected
allows a complete shut-in like
you to exist today. Prior to the punches with almost no power be-
raising of crops and livestock for hind them whatsoever. Some of
mass consumption, an intro- Alis most devastating defeats have
people makes you feel uncom-
verted, emotional cripple such included a first-round knockout at
fortable and awkward and
as yourself had to get over his the hands of Larry Holmes in 1986,
basically act like a 4-year-old.
little neuroses and either enter a
Agriculture accounts for nearly a a first-round loss to Evander Holy-
communal, hunter-gatherer
third of the worlds economy, field in 1995 that the alarmed ref-
situation or starve to death.
creating enough well-adjusted eree stopped six seconds into the
Because of the discovery of
people out there who are willing
agriculture in ancient Sumer bout, and a particularly brutal 2003
to help a civilization of fragile,
more than 10,000 years ago, you first-round loss to Lennox Lewis in
withdrawn individuals, who
can now stay in your pajamas in which Ali crumpled to the canvas
cant even go to the grocery
your dimly lit apartment, play
store without having a goddamn from the force of the opening glove
online poker all day, and call a
panic attack, thrive. Jesus Christ, tap. The closest Ali has come to a
restaurant to bring you food
grow up. victory since the late 70s was in
because being around other
1996, when the 54-year-old lost a
3

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A Woody A l l e n t o A m a z on R ive r

Ali still uses the rope-a-dope the male individual in a group with
technique to wear down opponents the most influence, generally typi-
by absorbing the energy of their
punches with his face.
fied by his ability to stroll right into
a Mitsubishi dealer, tell the sales-
man he wants a fully loaded Eclipse
for $17,500 and not a cent more,
and drive out of there with the thing
that afternoon. Achieved by physi-
cal dominance and unwillingness to
settle for a sunset orange exterior
when he knows damn well its no
skin off the guys nose to give him
one in kalapana black, his high-
narrow split decision to Mike of lies serve some sort of practical ranking status affords the alpha
Tyson. purpose (See Mass Delusion), a male first preference when it comes
Allen, Woody (b. Dec. 1, 1935), majority of intelligent people agree to food, mates, or getting the same
famed American comedian, writer, that readers would be far better off deal his father-in-law got not three
and filmmaker known for his in- consulting a more trusted, alpha- weeks ago. The alpha position can
secure personality betically organized reference vol- change hands, however, if the domi-
and highly neu- ume, such as an encyclopedia, for nant male is threatened or chal-
rotic mannerisms, all their information needs. lenged by another individual, such
such as obsessive- Alpha Male, sociological term for as a franchise manager who deploys
ly making hit
movie after hit movie, being very
finicky about the scores of beautiful
Hollywood actresses hes dated, and
worrying comically about whether
he should write another Academy
Awardwinning screenplay, publish
another piece in The New Yorker, or
KEY
play another sold-out show with his
acclaimed Dixieland jazz group.
Al-Zawahiri, Ayman (b. June 19,
Allergy, hypersensitive immune
1951), operational mastermind of
the militant Islamist group response to a foreign vector or aller-
al-Qaeda who made billions by gen caused by childhood exposure
registering the trademark We to dust, pollen, Volvos, Montessori
Will Never Forget and then
school, Burts Bees products, ALEXANDER THE GREAT (b. July 20 or 21, 356 bc d. June 10
licensing it for bumper stickers, or 11, 323 bc), prodigious leader, diplomat, and military tactician who
T-shirts, and window decals two Mandarin lessons, the music of Paul
by the age of 30 had almost as much power and wealth as Facebook
weeks before the the 9/11 attacks Simon, PSAT tutors, and organic
on the United States. founder Mark Zuckerberg had when he was 25. Following his fathers
almond butter.
assassination, a young Alexander ascended to the throne and, as
Almanac, type of novelty item,
general of the Greek army, led a conquest that gave him control over an
laughably referred to as a reference empire of 10 to 13 million people and made him the worlds richest
book, which compiles hundreds of and most powerful individual, nearly as rich and powerful, in fact, as
pages of purportedly factual trifles the Mark Zuckerberg of 2010, who made $20 billion and gained access
about the stars and the weather in a to the personal information of 800 million active Facebook users just
blatant attempt to fool simplemind- by sitting in front of a computer screen for a few years. Alexander the
ed book shoppers. Although many Great died at the age of 32, leaving behind a rich legacy that equals
still live under the misapprehension about one-fifth the significance and influence of Zuckerberg, who will
that these centuries-old anthologies almost certainly live for another six or seven decades.

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E A

the power move of making the al- hellhas sought to root out mem- the huge machines in the Amazon is
pha male wait outside his office for bers of al-Qaeda with Predator extremely intricate: Bulldozers help
15 minutes without offering him drone strikes and covert military ensure road graders do not become
any coffee while he pretends to operations, which, while they arent mired in undergrowth; flatbed
check with his regional supervisor. the most fun thing in the world for a trucks are needed to haul away the
Al-Qaeda, radical Islamist terrorist country to do, are better than sitting enormous trees so bulldozers are
organization founded by Sunni ex- around with its thumb up its ass. not buried in lumber; and road
tremist Osama bin Laden that gave Amazon Rain Forest, vast, lush graders make it possible for flatbed
the United States something to do. South American forest situated in trucks to reach the bulldozers. Am-
Formed in the late 1980s, when the the 1.7-billion-acre Amazon basin azon deforestation remains a mas-
United States was just sort of killing that hosts an astonishing diversity sive and dynamic system that has
time and not really up to much, al- of diesel-powered skip loaders, fascinated engineers and entrepre- AMAZON RAIN FOREST
Qaeda steadily built up a network dump trucks, road graders, and neurs alike for more than a century Scientists believe some of the
Amazon Rain Forests machines
of militant operatives and, on Sept. power shovels. Researchers have and may one day span the South could one day be used to uproot and
11, 2001, perpetrated a massive sui- identified more than 30 different American continent from coast to destroy a cure for cancer.

cide mission on American soil that types of bulldozers alone, some of coast.
killed nearly 3,000 civilians, giving which are perfectly equipped with Amazon River, South American
America something to keep itself deep-treaded cleats ideal for ripping waterway surrendered to piranhas
busy with for at least the next cou- through the rich topsoil, while oth- by the Brazilian government in ex-
ple decades. Since the events of ers have adapted to the forest with change for the species promise
9/11, the United Statesfiguring bladed pincers capable of tearing never to venture onto land. Alarmed
that at least it had a project to focus through trees at high rates of speed. by shore encroachments indicating
on now so, you know, what the The delicate interdependency of the flesh-eating fish might soon

AMERICAN CIVIL WAR (1861 ),

ongoing conflict between the northern and
southern regions of the United States. Following
the election of abolitionist president Abraham
Lincoln in 1860, a group of pro-slavery states
announced its intention to secede from the
union and form the Confederate States of
America, known today as the Confederacy or
the South. The newly formed government
asserted, and maintains to this day, that federal
authority is subordinate to that of states and is a
threat to the economy, security, and culture of
the South. Actual fighting began in 1861 when
the Confederates attacked a U.S. military
outpost at Fort Sumter in South Carolina, the
first in a series of continuous hostilities that
would include the First and Second Battles of
Bull Run, the Battle of Antietam, General
Shermans brutal March to the Sea, Jim Crow
laws, Martin Luther King, Jr., the assassination of
Martin Luther King, Jr., the Brady Bill, the Blue
Collar Comedy Tour, Ivy League assholes, Clockwise from top left: Troops prepare for combat; the Battle of Montgomery; two leading figures
Wal-Mart, Wall Street, and the elections of in the ongoing propaganda war; Confederate forces descend on Washington.
George W. Bush and Barack Obama. The
conflict is the deadliest ever fought on American began. In fact, historians believe that both the North and the South
soil, with more than 120 million casualties recorded to date and are even more committed to total victory today than they were when
many more expected from the fighting currently taking place in the first shots were fired, and that the bloodiest battles of the conflict
Congressby far the most ferocious combat since the Civil War have yet to occur.

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A

SKELETAL
Anatomy Cranium
What the stork shits your brain into right SYSTEM
Branch of science concerned before it delivers you to your parents

with the bodily structure of

Mandible
living things that is increasingly Forms the lower jaw, holds teeth
difficult to pursue due to the in place, and allows one to
Clavicle
reach 450 pounds
fact that nearly every organism Doubly curved bone that connects the
arm to the upper body. But how does
on earth has been riddled with one truly connect with ones children?
bullets. Anatomy generally Thats the question.

involves the separation and

dissection of an organisms
different parts, tasks that are Scapula Sternum
now all but impossible consider- Thing dumbass little brother broke Chest bone which one
because he couldnt handle being would have to first break
ing any plant or animal a rolled down a hill in a rain barrel in order to rip out
researcher studies is likely to someones still-beating
heart. Doesnt seem so
have had most of its biological easy now, does it?
systems reduced to undifferenti- Ribs
Bones situated around
ated pulp in a hail of gunfire. the stomach and
Because even the smallest intestines that protect
any treasure a person
single-celled amoeba has, at this has swallowed
point, been at least winged by a
bullet, anatomy is now more or
less a pointless science, as it is
impossible to gather useful
physical data from a blue whale Lumbar Vertebrae
or giant redwood tree that has Few ever venture this far
into the lumbar region
been blasted to pieces by a
howitzer round. Further
hindering the field of anatomy is
the routine discovery of
underwater ecosystems
containing never-before-studied
coral formations that have had Ulna
their entire populations Arm bone that, with enough
crowd enthusiasm, can be used
systematically lined up and shot to chop though a stack of ice
Sacrum
execution-style with hollow- Large, triangular bone at the
point .38 slugs, scattering these base of the spine that has holes
through which the fish in ones
creatures various forms of body enjoy swimming
central nervous systems all over Pubis
Interesting fact: The name of
the seafloor. In addition to everyones one true love is carved
finding that most mammal into their pubis bone. A fun game is
to dig it out of someone who has
specimens have been reduced to recently died and see if they were
indistinguishable mush-piles of even close to spending their life
with the person whose name is
bones, fur, teeth, and antlers by carved there.
high-caliber bullets before they
can be collected for study, many
researchers are forced to Patella
Human bone you may have once
abandon anatomy after they picked up and skipped across a
themselves are shot multiple lake without knowing it

times at point-blank range.

Tarsal
Natures brakes. To come to a stop
out of a dead sprint, one simply leans
back hard on the tarsals and skids
for several feet.

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E A

MUSCULAR SYSTEM
ORGANS
Pectoral Deltoid
Lung
The chest muscle, Often overdeveloped from repeatedly Trachea Wishes it could stop
designed to give shrugging shoulders, raising palms, and Tube that filters air before it reaches the larynx so every second of every day
the nipple greater inarticulately mumbling that when it is exhaled it doesnt smell like lung it wishes thatbut it cant.
elevation in case The lure of oxygen is just
of flooding too strong.
Bicep
Relatively tough muscle that must be
braised first to brown the meat and
then slowly cooked in a covered pot
to break down the collagen

Heart
Muscular organ that Stomach
Abdominal Organ that can hold
marathon runners and
Muscle that matters a lot to up to 97 marbles
cyclists ask people to
vapid women, and, if they're
squeeze so they can feel
being totally honest, maybe
how rock hard it is
just a little bit to intelligent,
thoughtful women, too

Liver
Only internal organ
capable of
regenerating
following tissue loss,
though it grows back
in much thicker,
Triceps Surae coarser, and darker
Can swell to more than each time
10 times their normal
size when one is scared
or sexually aroused
Vestigial Top
Quadricep Hat Spleen
Muscle covering
Blood-regulating
the femur that
organ that must
people should
be manually
start referring to Skin
sewn into every
as the femur Bodys largest organ
newborn infant
umbrella. Could unless the guy has a
within 5 minutes
catch on. Who really humongous
or it will die
knows? heart or giant lung or
something

Kidney
Hamstring
Organ under
Was a very brave
constant threat of
boy throughout the
punching by that
entire strain ordeal
one kid with the
rattail and the
pentagram
necklace

Epicanthic Buttonholes
Chest Fold Open Small Intestine
periodically to Gastrointestinal tract
excrete waste between the stomach and
from the large intestine that, if
Ureter
TUXEDAL SYSTEM cummerbund stretched end to end,
Muscular tube that drives
would be completely
urine from the kidneys to
disgusting and any person
the bladder or, in
who does something so
individuals who have
fucked up should
Satin Lapel Facings strengthened their ureters
immediately seek
Allows lapel to bond with other with weight training, right
psychological counseling
tuxedos during group photos through the urethra and
out through the genitals

Pant Seams
Transport mucus
from the pant cuffs to
Bespoke Nerve Endings the zipper

1-14 A.indd 7 11/06/12 6:07 PM

A A mbulance to A rb ys

emerge from the worlds largest Anger, negative emotion that only a result, Union and Confederate
river to attack human beings in people in charge are allowed to ex- forces agreed to stop the fighting
their own homes, Brazilian officials press. An automatic psychological halfway through in order to regroup
agreed in 1971 to cede all authority response, anger is off-limits to all and make sure everyone was on the
over the river and its basin to the pi- but those who rank above you, same page in terms of what a battle
ranhas, including total sovereignty though it is sometimes permissible was and whether or not they were
over some of the most diverse among assistants to people in doing it right. When combat
aquatic wildlife found on earth. charge when conveyed on their be- continued, 1,500 more people
Though most its 4,200-mile course half. Any outright display of anger, died almost immediately, leading
travels through Brazil, the Amazon including physical or emotional McClellan and Lee to apologize
originates in Peru, which only relin- outbursts of aggression, by anyone and agree to fight again when their
quished its segment of the river else will only lead to a furious re- troops were better trained.
when a school of piranhas crawled sponse from the person in charge. Anxiety, state of constant fear and
out from the water, made its way to Antietam, Battle Of, Civil War bat- apprehension experienced by rea-
Antelope, another fucking kind the capital city of Lima, and skele- tle and single bloodiest day in U.S. sonable, clearheaded individuals
of deer. tonized the prime minister in just history, cut short after rival generals who understand that the future is
under 30 seconds. Robert E. Lee and George B. Mc- fraught with constant setbacks and
Ambulance, vehicle designed to Clellan deduced that, with so many stresses, as well as physical and
safely transport the sick or injured casualties on both sides and no emotional pain. Characterized by
to the nearest dumpster. clear-cut winner, they must be the ability to think realistically
Amoeba, simple one-celled organ- fighting all wrong. Launching as- about terrible and unavoidable mat-
ism whose primary form of loco- saults in Sharpsburg, Maryland, ters such as the inevitable loss of a
motion, blindly bumping into ob- and Antietam Creek in 1862, both loved one, financial woes, the inad-
jects in search of food, is emulated generals sensed they must have equacy one will feel during an up-
by roughly four-fifths of the worlds been making some major tactical coming sexual encounter, the fact
human population. and strategic blunders after infan- that ones career and marriage are
Anesthesia, drugs or gases admin- trymen not only started dying, but headed nowhere, the all-too-real
istered to eliminate the feeling of also began losing limbs, screaming possibility of being diagnosed with
pain during an operation, after in intense agony, and doing nothing stage III pancreatic cancer during
which the patient is permitted to whatsoever that could be construed what was supposed to be a routine
take home any leftover anesthesia as seizing victory or advancing the checkup, how awful moving to a
that was not used in the procedure. larger political goals of their side. As new town will be, an upcoming visit

CITIES OF THE WORLD

Amsterdam
Most populous city in the Netherlands, famous for
Apple, nutritious tree tumor.
its balance of old-world and modern architecture,
vast canal system, hard-core fucking, and colorful
festivals. Settled in the 13th century as a fishing
village, the city quickly grew into a center of
commerce and intercourse, where international
goods were traded, intellectual ideas were shared,
and weirdo pervs could get sucked off by a wild-
eyed Egyptian nymph for half a guilder. Modern
Amsterdam is among Europes most progressive Amsterdam boasts beautiful canals, stunning architecture,
cities, leading in such fields as design, fisting, fucking, and world-class museums.
felching, civil engineering, fashion, five-ways, pony
play, computer science, and transportation. Its stock straat at 11:30 p.m. every Tuesday. Amsterdams
exchange is the oldest in Europe, and lovely average annual temperature is 13.4 degrees Celsius
Anastasia takes six men at once while shitting into a (56.1 Fahrenheit).
crystal goblet during her live show on the Bloed-

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E A

from ones parents, and tomorrow Generals Robert E. Lee and

being just as bad as today, anxiety Ulysses S. Grant gaze into each
others eyes while doing the
afflicts anyone who is both sane and Surrender Waltz. As was
alive. People who do not experience customary for the wars victor,
intense, crippling anxiety on a daily Grant led.
basis and arent living in constant
dread of the future are considered
mentally ill and should seek profes-
sional help.
Apartheid, government-sanctioned
racial segregation in South Africa
and the last place somebody could
go to enjoy the simple pleasure of
drinking from a whites only water built a customer base of loyal jerks Army Band, the two menLees
fountain. Until 1994, when apart- passionate about using its products arms resting on Grants shoulders;
heid was outlawed, anyone who de- at their jerk jobs. The company ex- Grants wrapped around Lees
sired to dine in a whites only res- tended its reach beyond computers hipsgracefully sashayed around
taurant, ride on a whites only bus, in the late 20th century and domi- the small wooden surrender table as
or relax in the whites only section nated the mobile jerk music indus- members of both armies exchanged Appalachian Trail, 2,180-mile-
long path along the Eastern
of a public beach, could do so by try with the iPod and iPhone, and furtive glances from across the
Seaboard of the United States
flying to the southernmost country created an entirely new market that room. As the song drew to a close, that is the worst, least efficient
in Africa, a long and inconvenient jerks didnt even know they needed Grant twirled Lee once, let him out way to travel from Georgia to
trip, but a perfect way to sample the with the introduction of the iPad an arms length, pulled him in tight, Maine. Traversed each year by
those who willingly deny the
fruits of institutional racism. tablet. The Apple brand has become and dipped him to the floor, signal-
existence of Americas vast
Apartment, place where one lives an enduring status symbol to mil- ing the end of the four-year-long transportation system for some
while one looks for a new lions of supposedly tech-savvy jerks conflict and the beginning of the inexplicable reason, the
apartment. who couldnt use an actual com- Reconstruction Era. Afterward, all Appalachian Trail takes roughly
four months to hike but can be
Apology, spoken or written contri- puter if their lives depended on it. in attendance were invited onto the covered in two days by car, 26
tion that accounts for 50 percent of Appomattox Courthouse, building dance floor to participate in a cere- hours by rail, or five hours by
human conversation. in Appomattox, Virginia, where on monial waltz. planethree fully air-condi-
tioned means of conveyance that
Apple Inc., American electronics April 9, 1865, General Robert E. April 25, 2008, last time I saw
offer zero chance of getting bitten
manufacturer that created the first Lee surrendered to General Ulysses Caroline. by mosquitoes, spraining an
computer any jerk could use. By S. Grant, offering his hand to the Arbys, once-legendary Paris restau- ankle, or going weeks without
marketing jerk-friendly desktop Union commander for the custom- rant that unexpectedly dropped bathing. If one absolutely must
walk from Springer Mountain to
computers to schools and focusing ary slow dance to end the American from three Michelin stars to two in
Mount Katahdin, a far more
on simple, stylishly designed devices Civil War. To the strains of Two 1968 and suffered a slow period of sensible choice would be to use
with the average jerk in mind, Apple Soldiers, performed by the Union decline before eventually switching Interstate 95: Its a straight shot,
to a low-price, multilocation busi- and there are plenty of stores and
hotels along the way so that one
ness model in 1975. Founder and doesnt have to travel across 14
world-renowned executive chef states while carrying 50 pounds
Henri-Franois Arby entered a of gear. Overall, hiking the
Appalachian Trail offers nothing
deep depression after the Michelin
but the chance to grow a mangy
judges surprise decision, letting the beard and waste time. It literally
restaurant fall into mediocrity be- defies logic.
fore investors revamped the entire
enterprise as a family fast-food
chain. Chef Arby was pushed out of
the operation altogether and com-
The original Arbys afforded beautiful views of Paris trendy Marais neighborhood. mitted suicide in 1981. Today, there
9

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A

Art WORKS OF ART

Range of human communication and expression designed to affect the
senses, emotions, or intellect, and one of the thousands of methods that
insular cliques of people use to exclude others and make themselves feel
superior to everyone around them. Art encompasses a diverse range of
disciplines that includes painting, sculpture, literature, music, film, and
photography, all of which are to one degree or another utilized to create
The Starry Night
artificial bubbles of superiority from which to ridicule and condescend to Postimpressionist
outsiders. Art can also describe anything that encapsulates the expression painting created in
1889 by Vincent van
or application of human creative skill and imagination, the vast quantity Gogh, who went to his
of which is not directed toward producing art itself, but is instead grave wishing that he
had called the piece
squandered on petty machinations designed to increase ones social Swirly Night.
currency among a congregation of superficial, self-involved cultural
leeches who care about nothing but doing the very same. Though art
often purports to be based in beauty and aesthetic truth, when put into
practice it quickly and invariably becomes yet another venue for a bunch
of sweaty, desperate monkeys to try to fuck and dominate each other. (See
Fashion, Religion, Politics, Literature, Comedy, Business)

ART DISCIPLINES

The Scream
Norwegian painter Edvard
Munchs depiction of an
agonized figure on a boardwalk
who is horrified by the
Performance: An interdisciplinary piece Film: Type of art in which a series of still perspiring Midwestern retiree
conducted by an artist and a bunch of fake images are projected in such a way as to create preoccupied with getting lunch
instead of paying attention to
blood in any number of fake blood-stained the impression of motion, a technique that the audio tour.
settings, lasting any length of time depending usually fails because you can clearly see the
on how long it takes to run out of fake blood individual still images, but occasionally it looks
smooth enough that you can suspend disbelief

Painting: Artistic discipline Sculpture: Artwork that is Drawing: Form of visual art
that most artists quit after three dimensional, therefore in which one gets a bunch of
discovering you can make way allowing viewers to destroy it tracing paper, buys a book
more money just gluing some from every possible angle about dinosaurs, and goes to Nighthawks
lightbulbs to a taxidermied fox town A stunningly atmospheric evocation of urban ennui, Edward Hoppers Nighthawks
is currently being developed into a poster that can be hung on ones wall. Experts
say the poster will be ready in late fall of 2017.

ART MOVEMENTS
13001580 15201580 18001860 18401889 18701880 18861905 1880s1900s
Renaissance Mannerism Romanticism Realism Impressionism Pointillism Postimpressionism
The formalization of Sixteenth-century Nineteenth-century Movement based Movement concerned Technique in which Movement that while
perspective in Italian art movement art movement that on finding truth, with the effect of a small dabs of color embracing the internal,
painting, before which known for its lurid bravely rebelled which happened moment and that are applied to a emotional world of the artist
everything was a colors and grotesque against rules and with Eilif coincided with a canvas to form an more than landscapes, was
jumble of bears, human figures that reason by painting Peterssens 1889 plague of sun dapples image, which only not about to get off the
people, and buildings was a reaction against pictures of painting The in mid-19th-century works 25 percent of impressionism money train
that were all the same the Renaissance and landscapes and Salmon Fisher, France the time. The other
size proof that maybe smiling people causing the 75 percent of the
something like the movement to time the dots are
Renaissance shouldnt abruptly end applied and it just
be reacted against doesnt pan out.

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E A

A Sunday Afternoon On The Island Of La Grande Jatte FAMOUS

Prime example of Postimpressionism by French artist Georges MUSEUMS
Seurat. Made by using the technique of pointillism, meaning
that the painting is composed of one giant dot

Muse du Louvre
Lack of places to sit, the
guards are dicks

Museo Nacional del

Interior Scroll Campbells Soup I Prado
1975 performance piece in which Pop art masterpiece by Andy Hot, smells like art
Carolee Schneemann read from a Warhol who, after becoming an
scroll pulled from her vagina, a piece icon, sealed himself inside a Metropolitan Museum
that was followed up by the even wall-mounted frame and sold of Art
more startling Interior Monument himself at auction for $29 million $8 for individually wrapped
cookies

Rijksmuseum
Huge lines, no roller
coaster

The Thinker Van Gogh Museum

Sculpture thats supposed to Doesnt even have the
make one think of power, virility, guys ear on display
and possibility, and if it doesnt,
that means Auguste Rodin has
New Museum
failed
Cool-looking building,
completely empty inside

National Museum of
Women in the Arts
Perfect place to take a nap
without anyone hassling
you

Michelangelos
David
Sculpture thats
supposed to
make one think
of power, virility,
For The Love Of Centre Pompidou
and possibility,
God Not allowed to climb on all
and if it doesnt,
Diamond encrusted the pipes and scaffolding
that means
skull by Damien Hirst on the outside
Michelangelo
that was designed to
has failed
challenge peoples
perception of how
enormous an asshole
Damien Hirst could be

19071921 19171931 1920s1940s 1950s1960s 1970s 1990s

Cubism De Stijl Art Deco Postmodernism Outsider Art Magic Eyeism
Style shows multiple perspectives of Early 20th century Art and design Movement that gave Term is coined for any art made by Art movement where
an image at once, therefore widely movement that intended to add birth to ironic hillbillies, chimps, and mental patients if viewers could
accepted as providing the best bang focused on simplicity drama to the act of repurposing of existing who ran afoul of powerful art critic stare long enough at
for the buck in art as represented by walking in to a styles, then declared Robert Hughes and never regained the work, the image
primary colors and bank to deposit a the practice dead two acceptance in the mainstream would transform into
rectangles, and that check minutes later a three-dimensional
was ultimately best sailboat
known for helping
people forget for a
few minutes just how
badly World War I had
screwed them up

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A Archaeology to Atheism

are more than 3,600 Arbys loca- Area 52, vast complex in the Ne- enburg famously asked the gath-
tions in the United States and Can- vada desert north of Las Vegas ered parties, What are we even
ada, and all that remains of Chef where the U.S. military stores its de- doing here?
Arbys original menu is his famed commissioned folders, paper clips, Armstrong, Lance (b. Sept. 18,
jus du cheval, or horsey sauce. (See and staplers. 1971), professional cyclist and win-
Horsey Sauce) Aria, long vocal piece performed ner of seven Tour de France races
Archaeology, academic discipline by an opera soloist while a thought- who would have been remembered
and practice of digging holes. While ful assassin methodically assembles as a national disgrace had he
digging has been present through- a high-powered rifle in his tiny, admitted to using performance-
out human history, it was not until barely furnished studio apartment. enhancing drugs, but who wisely
the 19th century that scientific ad- Armistice, fairly pathetic agree- chose not to, and thus is considered
vances allowed for the process of ment between warring factions to a legend and inspiration to millions.
digging holes and, in many cases, temporarily suspend hostilities that After surviving testicular cancer,
Archery, practice of using a pits to be formalized in a systematic pales in comparison to a treaty, Armstrong returned to cycling in
bow to shoot an arrow into a
fashion. Since that time, archaeol- which is an ironclad contract recog- 1998 and began a decade of domi-
little brothers back.
ogy has made a number of advances nized under international law and nance, while also making the pru-
in digging, shoveling, and scraping, actually does something. Ranking dent decision not to reveal that he
as well as important discoveries below even a cease fire in hostilities was cheating, which surely would
about the nature of holes. Archae- cesessation, an armistice does not have tainted his legacy irrevocably.
ologists, who tend to specialize in need to be written down on paper Armstrong retired from cycling in
various digging subfields, are highly or even signed by heads of state, 2011 amid a federal investigation
trained in the proper methods of whereas a treaty is drafted after and mounting allegations of dop-
peering around holes, and most are months of thoughtful negotiations ing, at which point he opted to deny
also skilled at dusting things off and and does not pussyfoot around a any wrongdoing and remain an
then lining them up neatly on a much larger issue. Treaties are also American hero (as opposed to ad-
cloth on the ground. Many archae- known as written covenants, bind- mitting to wrongdoing and becom-
ologists also work with mounds. ing pledges, and unbreakable prom- ing a universally despised cheater),
Area 50, multi-acre warehousing ises. Armistices have been referred which was very smart.
complex in the Nevada desert north to as colossal wastes of time for ev- Armstrong, Neil (b. Aug. 5, 1930),
of Las Vegas that holds all of the eryone involved. Before the 1537 astronaut who on July 20, 1969, be-
U.S. militarys surplus folders, paper signing of the Armistice of Copen- came the first human to walk on the
clips, and staplers. hagen, Count Christopher of Old- moon, a historic feat that ushered in

ARCHITECTURE, art or practice of designing

buildings, which involves drawing a rectangle, labeling
it with an appropriate word such as skyscraper or
supermarket, and passing it on to a construction
crew that then builds the edifice. In the planning
Armor, metallic formal wear stages of a new design, an architect will confer with a
required for fancier battles. client to gather important information for the
blueprint, including whether the rectangle should be
oriented horizontally or vertically, and whether it will
be a large rectangle, a small rectangle, or a medium-
sized rectangle. Occasionally, architects are commis-
sioned to draw a circle and write the word stadium
on it, though these projects are considerably more
costly and time-intensive.

This architectural blueprint was used by construction

workers to build the John Hancock Tower in 1976.

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E A

a new era in which 11 other astro- cial decisions, donate to charities, dance partners, including Ginger 1 OF 43 U.S. PRESIDENTS
WHO WAS ALSO A RACIST
nauts also walked on the moon and and read books. Rogers, Judy Garland, a 500-pound
Chester A. Arthur
then no one did it anymore. Al- Assimilation, process by which for- mountain gorilla, a freshly decapi-
(b. Oct. 5,
though Armstrong walked less than eign persons integrate into a culture tated chicken, and Mount McKin-
1829 d. Nov.
100 yards on the moons surface, to become more like the people ley. Astaire made his last film ap- 18, 1886),
the act marked the beginning of a who hate them most. pearance in 1986, when he did the 21st president
bold new age of manned lunar ex- Astaire, Fred (b. May 10, 1899 d. foxtrot on the motherboard of the of the United
ploration that was pretty much June 22, 1987), American film star space shuttle Challenger, jumped States, who in
completely scrapped within three who entertained millions by danc- away just before the vehicle ex- 1882 signed
something into law called the
years. The significance of Arm- ing on floors, stairwells, walls, rusty ploded, and moonwalked across a
Chinese Exclusion Act, which
strongs deed was perhaps captured nails, venomous snakes, molten cloud and into his Los Angeles right there makes him a
best by the astronaut himself in the lead, Hurricane Ethel, Johnny Uni- home, where he fell sound asleep. horrible human being you
words he uttered as he set his foot tas helmet in Super Bowl V, a par- Atheism, rejection of a belief in the dont need to know anything
down on the moon for the first rots beak, the crashing Hindenburg, existence of God in which one else about. Arthur, who
time: Thats one small step for a and mushroom clouds from the deeply devotes oneself to the nearly assumed the presidency after
the assassination of James
man, one giant leap for mankind atomic bombs dropped on Hiro- nonstop studying, writing, think-
Garfield, had the opportunity
until we bail on the whole thing. shima and Nagasaki. In 1942, ing, and talking about God. Upon as the nations chief executive
Arson, term used when the purity Astaire starred in the wartime musi- reaching the philosophical and logi- to veto the Chinese Exclusion
of setting something aflame gets all cal comedy Youll Never Get Rich, in cal conclusion that God cannot ex- Act (which banned Chinese
tainted by meddling police and which he effortlessly detonated ist, an atheist will dedicate the rest people from entering the
lawyers. land mines while gliding across a of his or her life to poring over country for 10 years), but he
did not, and that pretty much
Ash Wednesday, Catholic holiday European battlefield, tap-danced books about God, fervently arguing
gives any modern person free
during Lent when a priest uses the naked in a pool of blood, and later with those who believe in God, and rein to detest him. That he
foreheads of church members to waltzed with partner Joan Leslie meeting with other devout atheists made no attempt to at least
put out cigarettes. over a mass grave in a Nazi concen- to discuss God or listen to someone change the name to something
Aspergers Syndrome, medical tration camp. Astaire, who was an lecture passionately and at length a little more palatable, like the
condition marked by profound so- innovative choreographer and about how there is no God. The Eastern Immigration Act,
certainly doesnt help him in
cial awkwardness and an inability to graceful performer, had a variety of firmly held belief that there is no
terms of his overall likability.
read peoples emotional cues, a dis- Arthur also signed the
order often incorrectly ascribed to Pendleton Civil Service Act
the guy in the mail room, who is, in legislation mandating that
reality, just a weirdo who lives with government jobs be awarded
his mom and knows all the episodes by merit and not nepotism or
political affiliationbut,
of Quantum Leap.
again, he also signed the
Assembly Line, revolutionary Chinese Exclusion Act, which
method of manufacturing products is a hard thing not to hold
that will be recalled after the deaths against someone. Arthurs
of 15 consumers. successor, Grover Cleveland,
Asshole, any individual at a bar,
renewed the Chinese
Exclusion Act, so if that
party, or other social function who
disgusts you to the point of not
is having more fun than you. Ass- wanting to read the entry on
holes also include those who are him, we completely
dating attractive women, make understand.
more money than you, or manage
to handle everything life throws at
them with composure. Assholes of-
ten have great, loving families, use
proper grammar, know about wine,
exercise regularly, make wise finan- Astaire in the 1946 film Blue Skies.
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A Atlantis to Ball

AUNT, female member of God gives atheists a deep sense of pathy, or experience most of the made them feel like they were 16
an extended family whose life purpose and meaning in their lives. other primitive emotional con- again. More than any other 20th-
cycle can be divided into four Atlantis, ancient island city whose straints that less developed people century inventionincluding the
distinct stages. ruins are located at 38 22 34.0155 still cling to. Around age 3, most au- telephone, the television, and the
Stage 1 North, 28 52 19.4531 South. tistic individuals begin to demon- Internetthe automobile is credit-
Drunk Young Atlas, pointless, self-serving at- strate that they have achieved a ed with bringing back the thrill of
Marked by heavy
alcohol intake and a tempt at a reference book that arro- higher plane of functionality and no driving and with single-handedly
near-constant gantly presumes information about longer have use for the crude and rekindling Americas love affair with
output of hilarious,
countries, continents, and topo- obsolete communication tools the automobile.
ribald jokes at her
siblings and parents expense. This is graphical features deserves its own including eye contact and verbal Aztec Empire, civilization that
considered the most beautiful and fun stand-alone volume, rather than a expressionneeded by the inferior ruled much of Mesoamerica from
stage of the aunts life, during which
she will take several mates, or series of 75-word entries in a larger beings all around them. Those with 1350 to 1521 and was known for
boyfriends, many of whom will compendium of facts. First devel- autism do not generally react to the incorporating human sacrifice into
operate construction equipment.
oped in the 16th century, and later emotions of others, which they ac- every aspect of daily life, using it in
Stage 2 championed by the smug, amoral curately regard as the animalistic religious rituals, as a show of respect
Drunk Divorced duo of William Rand and Andrew gruntings of selfish, maladapted to elders, and as a common greeting
Marked by heavy
alcohol intake and McNally, the atlas continues to creatures from a soon-to-be-extinct among family and friends. Human
lasting from two to waste the time and money of count- branch of the human species; in- sacrifice was also an important
30 years, this phase
less readers who lack the common stead, they devote much of their component of the Aztec economy,
may involve any
number of mates, depending on the sense to simply invest in a quality, time to high-level cognitive exer- as plunging a knife into the chest of
individual aunt. At this stage of reasonably priced encyclopedia. cises such as sitting silently for a merchant or moneylender and
development, the aunt will often
unexpectedly burst into tears during Atom, basic unit of matter that, hours at a timebehaviors whose tearing the heart from his chest was
family gatherings and grab nieces by when joined with other atoms, significance lies outside the paltry essential to every business transac-
the arm to tell them things like never
forms an airplane. comprehension of an ordinary per- tion. In the Aztec home, the patri-
walk away from the best thing in your
life. Audubon, John J. (b. Apr. 26, 1785 son. In recent years, the number of arch would ritually slaughter a per-
d. Jan. 27, 1851), French-American people identified as autistic has in- son as a sign of thanks before eating
Stage 3
Drunk Bitter naturalist and rake who personally creased substantially, as such indi- a meal, and parents would perform
And Alone seduced and then painted more viduals have begun to supplant the a human sacrifice at bedtime to
Marked by heavy
than 700 species of birds. more deficient members of the hu- help young children fall asleep. The
alcohol intake, this
stage generally lasts Auschwitz, Nazi concentration man race in ever greater numbers. fall of the Aztec Empire occurred in
until the aunt is in camp in Poland that had all the cool Automobile, four-wheeled vehicle 1521, when Spanish conquistadors
her mid-60s. During this time, the
aunt will be deeply suspicious of prisoners unlike the losers over at powered by an internal combustion arrived to find that only three in-
happiness experienced by herself or Buchenwald. engine, the invention of which al- habitants had not been offered up
others and will often predict that any
Austen, Jane (b. Dec. 16, 1775 d. lowed Americans to remember how to the god Tezcatlipoca.
given romantic relationship will end
in less than a year. July 18, 1817), groundbreaking great it felt the first time they got
British novelist whose work proved behind the wheel
Stage 4
Drunk Elderly women were as good as men at de- and hit the open
And Eccentric scribing a womans need for a man. road. Introduced to
Marked by heavy
Austin City Limits, PBS music pro- the general public
alcohol intake and
the aunts beginning gram and probably the best chance with Henry Fords
to dress in long, of seeing Willie Nelson and Neko Model T, the auto-
flowing silken garments, apply heavy
makeup, and take impromptu trips to Case sing some kind of charming mobile helped mo-
places like Borneo. The aunt dies at duet of Patsy Clines Walkin After torists recapture the
the end of this stage, leaving behind
Midnight at some point, if that pleasures of taking
for her family an apartment filled to
the ceiling with art deco lamps, TV hasnt already happened. to the highways,
trays, matchbooks, and decorative Autism, condition among a highly with many of the
brooches.
evolved class of humans who do not nations exhilarated
share the outmoded need to form 16-year-old drivers
interpersonal relationships, feel em- remarking that it A typical day in the life of an Aztec native.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E B

Baby, small biological offspring of a Additionally, babies are not some by baby boomers is the highest in

B
human mating pair, both of whom kind of fucking pet, and dont lie to human history.
need to just take a minute and think me. I know about Roger. Bailiff, officer of the court who
this whole thing through rationally. Baby Boomer, term used to de- probably wouldnt have ruled that
Babies exit the womb before they scribe the massive postwar genera- way but guesses the judge knows
are fully physically developed, mak- tion born between the years 1946 what hes doing.
ing them extremely vulnerable and and 1964 who reshaped every as- Balboa Park, 1,200-acre recre-
requiring of constant care, protec- pect of American society and who ational space in San Diego that was
tion, and all kinds of vaccinations really need to die now. Due to the set aside in 1868 as a nice place to
Bb . .
Second letter of the English
and checkups, which means more demographics sheer size, baby visit if youve already been to the alphabet and an undeniable
expensive doctor bills and insur- boomers have had a profound influ- San Diego Zoo, Sea World San Di- aphrodisiac for those who can
ance premiums on top of ence on the overall political and ego, San Diego Wild Animal Park, savor both its sensuality and
raw eroticism. A simple
everything else. Unlike most mam- economic direction of the United and Legoland, and youve hung out
consonant to most, the letter B
mals, babies are also born without States, which is why all 76 million of at the beach, taken a day trip to Ti- contains untold carnal delights
the ability to feed themselves, them who set out to redefine tradi- juana, gone for a hike, eaten some for English speakers who take

which is a huge pain in the ass, or to tional values and then became ex- fish tacos, and happen to have a few the time to luxuriate in its
voluptuous curves, allowing it
move around, which is actually actly what they most despised can hours to kill before heading to the to transport them to heights of
kind of a blessing since that would shrivel up and fuck off, ASAP. As a San Diego International Airport, pleasure they never thought
be an absolute nightmare in an generation, baby boomers, who which is nearby. possible. Those who truly open
themselves up to B cannot utter
apartment this small. Can you needed to die en masse yesterday as Bale, Christian (b. Jan. 30, 1974),
its voiced bilabial plosives
imagine? Shortly after birth, new- far as everyone else is concerned, British actor who starts each film by without being driven to such a
borns, who are more trouble than are associated with broad cultural turning to the camera and announc- state of arousal, such a delirium
they are worth and whom, by the changes in American life that they ing, I am going to begin acting of animal lust, that a series of B
sounds in a sentence is often
way, you are responsible for until just cant seem to let go of, even now. A Wales native, Bale will often
enough to propel them to a
you die, discharge a black sticky though its not 1972 anymore and remind audiences how much and convulsive sexual climax. B
substance that I can only imagine the sooner they realize that and go how hard he is acting by stopping in appears in words such as boy,

your mother trying to clean up. Be- away the sooner the rest of us can the middle of a scene to say, In case box, and birthday.

cause shell just have to be here for clean up the huge mess theyve you were wondering, I am still act-
the birth, even though she hasnt made and try to move forward. So- ing, or, I think my acting is going
visited in, what, two years? New- ciological research suggests baby very well right now, dont you? BALL
There are more than 150 varieties
borns are fragile and often gray-blue boomers had their chance and they Okay, Im going to go back to my of balls, all of which are great.
in color and unable to breathe at blew it, its over, they fucking blew it, acting. Before the closing credits of Baseball
first, which is completely under- so now the selfish pricks all have to all his films, Bale looks directly into Can be thrown,
hit, or caught;
standable since you seem to suffo- just get cancer and die. At 78.3 the camera and says, I have com- classic ball
cate everyone in your goddamn life. years, the life expectancy enjoyed pleted my acting. Thanks for watch-
ing me, Im Christian Bale. Earth
Ball, most popular object ever cre- Worlds largest
ball
ated in the history of human civili-
zation. Balls may be spherical or
ovoid in shape. There are currently Little Red Ball
Already great; red
more than 12.3 billion balls coloring an added
throughout the world, ranging in bonus
size and texture from small hard- Soccer Ball
shell Ping-Pong balls to giant cushi- Pretty perfect
its round and
ony exercise balls. At any given mo- inflatedjust
ment, more than 231 million balls gets used for a
very stupid thing
are being bounced; 122 million are
following a trajectory through the
Stapler
Hopefully, by the time you read this, these baby boomer fucks will be long dead. air toward someone waiting to Not a ball
15

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B Lucille Ball to Bee Gees

catch them; and 57 million are be- doctors successfully perform a cae- a nice suit says that if it were up to
ing inflated, because while under- sarian section on Ball. In commem- him he would do things differently,
inflated balls are still enormously oration of the classic TV moment, but unfortunately the rules are the
popular, they are less popular than portions of Balls placenta are on rules. Best of luck.
those that are fully blown up. The permanent view at the Paley Center Baptism, Christian religious cere-
ball is the bestselling item of all For Media in Los Angeles. mony in which an ordained priest
time, easily outstripping cones, Ballet, formal dance performance or minister prepares believers for an
cords, blocks, strips, tubes, and Bi- that is known for its grace and afterlife where a delighted God re-
bles over the past 2,500 years. Mate- beauty and that fully realizes it will peatedly dunks them under water.
rials not naturally occurring as balls, never see you again as soon as The Barge, boat used to enter a body of
such as meat and twine, instantly Nutcracker is over. water unexpectedly or rudely.
surge in desirability upon being Band-Aid, popular brand of adhe- Barnum, P.T. (b. July 5, 1810 d. Apr.
molded into ball form. It is unlikely sive bandage whose trademarked 7, 1891), American showman, busi-
Bank, perfect location for a the ball will ever be surpassed in name has become synonymous nessman, and entertainer often
middle-aged man in line to popularity due to the fact that it is with the product itself, just as credited with coining the expres-
suddenly have a complete
nervous breakdown and start widely considered to be mankinds Kleenex is used to refer to all facial sion Theres a sucker born every
shedding his clothes while people greatest achievement. tissue, Frisbee is used to refer to all
try not to look at him and the Ball, Lucille (b. Aug. 6, 1911 d. Apr. flying discs, and Pontiac Sunbird is
tellers call 911.
26, 1989), beloved comedic actress used to refer to all automobiles.
who was one of the first female Banking, financial system in which
television stars, the first woman to a man in a nice suit tells you that
be pregnant on screen, and, in 1953, hes sorry, but theres nothing he can
the first woman to give birth in do. A banks primary function is to
front of a live, cheering studio accept deposits and channel them
audience. The six-hour special into lending activities while a man
made TV history on several levels sitting behind a nice desk with a
with its unedited, single-camera nice nameplate on it reluctantly
shot of a sweating, profanity- agrees, after much discussion, to
spewing Ball laboring through con- check his computer screen one
tractions while surrounded by a more time even though he can al-
crew of attentive doctors and nurs- most guarantee its going to tell him
es. The episode smashed all previ- the same thing. Many banks oper- minute, though, in reality, charging
ous ratings records as more than 70 ate under a system known as frac- spectators less than $20 to see live
million Americans gathered around tional reserve banking, whereby elephants, acrobats flying through
TV sets in living rooms or stood they hold only a small reserve of the the air without a safety net, and a
outside electronics stores to watch total funds deposited and a man in daring man risk being eaten alive by
lions sort of makes Barnum the
Barbie, fashion doll manufac- sucker, doesnt it? Barnum was born
tured by Mattel Inc. that served as in Bethel, Connecticut, and the real
a role model for young girls to question is who was swindling
spend years in a closet completely
whom here, because $19.99 to sit in
nude and then be sold at a yard
sale in a box full of their scattered a giant tent, eat a caramel apple,
possessions. watch a bear ride a unicycle, and ba-
sically have the time of ones life
while human beings are launched
from cannons actually sounds like a
pretty fantastic deal. Like a god-
damn steal, truthfully. Barnum,
Viewers across America were delighted when Lucys cervix began dilating. who served two terms in the Con-
16

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E B

CITIES OF THE WORLD

Bangkok
Capital of Thailand and regional hub for business,
finance, and friends who want to go on a big
important life-changing trip somewhere. Bangkoks
population is composed of 6 million native Thais
and 3.1 million peoples buddies who saved up
$3,000 and left their temp jobs to spend eight
weeks checking out a totally different culture
where they dont know the language or anything.
The friends, who arrive after midnight at Suvarn-
abhumi International Airport, spend four days
exploring the citys 50 separate municipal districts Where peoples friends go on their big trips.
and Buddhist temples before taking the advice of
two Israeli backpackers named Ilan and something graphs containing blurry night shots from Kao San
else and riding a bus to Cambodia because they Road, as well as one where a tuk tuk almost hits an
only live once, and who knows when theyll ever elephant, can be found at www.flickr.com/photos/
get back to that part of the world again. Photo- mybangkoktrip.

necticut legislature, considered orders for Dan Majerle posters and quire exercise, a healthy diet, make-
himself a scam artist, but the only jerseys, while ticket prices for Na- up, constant validation, and cos- BASKETBALL
person being scammed in this tional Basketball Association games metic surgery unless they want to Capitalizing on the popularity of
Thunder Dan, Warner Bros.
whole arrangement was the guy skyrocketed as residents in every risk possibly becoming less beauti- released Space Jam, starring
charging people anything less than American city clamored to catch a ful at some point in the future or Majerle and the cast of Looney
Tunes.
$500 to watch an animal imported glimpse of Thunder Dan. Before even, in some cases, ceasing to live
all the way from Africa jump the year ended, basketball hoops in one day.
through a flaming hoop. Barnum schools, playgrounds, and family Bee Gees, disco trio that was one of
died in his sleep at home, and over driveways around the world, and the most successful acts of the
the course of his life was conned leagues were instituted at nearly ev- 1970s, but whose popularity even-
out of nearly $5 billion. ery age level to teach children how tually declined due to their poor
Basketball, sport in which two they, too, could grow up and record handling of the Iranian hostage cri-
teams of five players attempt to 32 points, 6 assists, and 4 rebounds sis. The Bee Gees rose to superstar-
score points by throwing a ball against the Denver Nuggets to push dom in 1977 with the release of the
through a suspended hoop that their teams record to 28-8 on the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack, an
achieved global popularity after season.
Dan Majerle scored 32 points on Beauty, aesthetic feature or quality
Jan. 17, 1995, in a game between of physical attractiveness that, with
the Phoenix Suns and Denver Nug- careful upkeep and proper mainte-
gets. Invented in 1891 by Dr. James nance, can last forever and ever
Naismith, basketball was a niche ac- much like life itself. Beauty is prized
tivity with minimal fanfare or eco- worldwide both for its visual quali-
nomic success until Suns shooting ties and for the fact that, if diligently
guard Majerle came off the bench in maintained, it never fades or erodes, album that sold more than 40 mil- Beach, recreational area that
a midseason game, converted on 11 and is in fact similar to human life in lion copies worldwide but was soon would be somewhat tolerable
of 22 attempts (including six three- that it remains eternal and unchang- overshadowed by the 444-day without all the sand, sun, and
people. Also the water.
point baskets), and sparked an ing so long as one wards off the irk- standoff that made brothers Barry,
overnight worldwide infatuation some but by no means inevitable Robin, and Maurice look weak and
with the sport. Within a week, mil- forces of time, entropy, and decay. indecisive in their negotiations with
lions of fans from 100 nations put in People who possess great beauty re- Islamic militants. Despite their sig-
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B Beer to Belt

BASEBALL, sport consisting of two teams of hardworking father to attend one of his games. Just
nine players, all of whom desperately want to make one. Attempting to end the play and record an out,
their fathers proud. Play begins when the pitcher, the fielder deflects the ball down or scoops it up
whose dad is either watching from the stands or with his glove and throws it to the first baseman,
emotionally crippling his son by being the teams who was raised by a divorced mother. The mother
coach, throws the ball in an evasive fashion to the loves her son and frequently offers to play catch
opposing teams batter, who, with any baserunners, with himan offer her boy refuses because it just
occupies the only on-field offensive position and isnt the same. If the batter fails to reach first base
whose father was once a gifted baseball player and before the ball is caught by the baseman, he is
has unusually high expectations for his child. The considered out. As he jogs back to the dugout, he
ball is officially put into play when a batter hits a looks up to the bleachers to see if his father is upset.
pitch into fair territory. Prior to chasing the ball, the This cycle continues repeatedly over the course of
fielder thinks about how all he wants is for his a nine-inning game until a winner is declared.

The Field Of Play Foul Line

Highly charged electrical
barrier that disintegrates
any player who attempts
Outfield Fence
to cross it
What people who are
not you hit the ball Infield
Beefcake, delicious cut of Area for people who dont
over in order to
sizzling man-meat that provides a achieveand, once piss themselves when the
bountiful feast for the eyes. again, this does not ball is hit to them
pertain to youa
home run
Third Base
Known as the Wizards
Base for some reason
Pitchers Mound
Special elevated part of the field
where pitchers bury seeds, rosin
Bullpen bags, and other valuable trinkets or
Area set aside for relief food items they want to save for later
pitchers to prepare for
blowing the entire game

Batters Box
Home Plate 4-by-6-foot boxes on each
Location a runner must touch to score a side of the plate where
point. We mean a run. Fuck, do you think batters pray this next pitch
were all unathletic people who know isnt the one to shatter their
nothing about sports now? orbital bone

nature falsetto sound, the Bee Gees 72 hours after consumption, there- suddenly become drunk on the fol-
still failed to negotiate the release of by requiring one to carefully plan lowing Tuesday night while driving
the 52 Americans held captive in ahead and ensure that exactly three home from work or attending a
Tehran, a protracted embarrass- days later is a good time for them to PTA meeting, both of which, inci-
ment that culminated in the groups be drunk. If, for instance, one is cer- dentally, are appropriate times and
ill-advised decision to authorize a tain they will be attending a party places to drink if one would like to
rescue mission. The failure of the on a Saturday night, they should be drunk the next Friday. A desig-
aborted Operation Eagle Claw, in drink four to five beers the previous nated driver should not consume
which eight servicemen were killed Wednesday in order to be intoxi- more than one or two beers unless
BEER
Government-mandated warning
in a midair collision, sealed the Bee cated in time for the social event, or he or she is in the act of driving
featured on every beer bottle. Gees fate, and their 1981 album seven to nine beers the previous home friends who consumed exor-
Living Eyes only peaked at No. 41 Wednesday if they plan to get sick bitant volumes of alcohol three days
on the charts. and vomit at the party. Conversely, before.
Beer, fermented beverage that drinking four to five beers while Beethoven, Ludwig Van (baptized
makes its drinkers feel intoxicated one is at said party will cause one to Dec. 17, 1770 d. Mar. 26 1827), Ger-
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E B

man composer whose deafness ted that one of the added benefits of Sauce, Whipped Cream, Straw-
later in life made creating music hearing was that when he finished a berries, A Side Of Scrambled
more difficult, mainly because he project, he could actually listen to Eggs, Sausage Or Three Strips Of
wasnt able to hear what he was do- what he spent months working on, Bacon, Coffee, Home Fries, And A
ing. Beethoven, who enjoyed hear- which was something he also Glass Of Chocolate Milk, sounds
ing a lot because it gave him the enjoyed. pretty good.
ability to listen to Beholder, AL: Lawful Evil, XP Val- Belt, ostentatious leather band used
notes he played ue: 14,000, AC: 0/2/7, HP: 45-75. to secure a dainty little princes
and then deter- What do you do? pants to his slender, reedlike waist
mine if he liked Beige, pale, sandy-yellowish-brown so that he neednt ever bruise his
or disliked their color that wouldnt be considered delicate fingers fumbling about
sound, often said boring or dull if one just stopped for with his fancy silken trousers, and
that if he could choose between be- two seconds and thought about can instead spend all his time danc-
ing able to hear things and not hear how goddamn miraculous the pro- ing and giving treats and kisses to
things, he would definitely choose cess of seeing beige actually is. Just the other belt-wearing members of
the former. Hearing, he often said, to visually register the color in- his foppish retinue. The belt, which
was a really good thing for him to be volves such an intricate and per- ensures a fair little prince spends
able to do, and his desire to hear fectly balanced combination of nary a moment in discomfort, has
came through in his letters to vari- light refraction, activation of photo an excess of length that can be
ous music publishers, one of which receptor cells in the human eye, and tucked under one or more belt
read, Hearing makes my job easier unfathomably complex neurologi- loops, additional pieces of cloth
because I am a composer. If I were a cal processes that one should liter- sewn into the special boys specially
merchant or farmer, I certainly ally weep with fucking joy when- made trousers for the sole purpose
wouldnt enjoy not being able to ever one sees beige. Comprising of holding his pretty belt. This
hear, but it wouldnt affect me as dozens of distinct color tones, its leaves his lithe hands free to flutter
much. Despite his hearing loss, the miracles we take for granted, about during spirited socializing or,
Beethoven remained prolific, writ- like seeing beige, that ultimately if goaded by one of his equally ef- BEIGE
Behold the most extraordinary
ing nine symphonies and numerous make life worth living. fete belted companions, while per- manifestation of light brown.
other works, though he later admit- Belgian Waffle With Chocolate forming a lively monologue plucked

BEAVER, large, semiaquatic rodent

known for constructing elaborate dams.

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B Ingmar Bergman to Big foot

from one of the classics lining the Berkowitz mistakenly heard the as those intended to make a neigh-
walls of his study, with all present black Labrador retriever tell him to bors herd of goats perish rapidly
tittering behind their hands in girl- roam the streets of Harlem shed- from horrible wasting diseases, are
ish delight. Heaven forbid a wee ding the blood of pretty young girls, not applicable today, and are useful
prince make do with anything less when in actuality all it suggested mostly in terms of symbolic
than a glamorous belt to affix his was that he not forget to change the interpretation.
pants to his diminutive frame, oil in his Ford Galaxie and register Biden, Joe (b. Nov. 20, 1942), 47th
which would otherwise be exposed to vote in the upcoming city council vice president of the United States.
to a nasty draft as his pants slid elections. Stunned by the swiftness Born in Scranton, Pennsylvania,
down to his ankles and exposed the and brutality of Berkowitzs initial Biden spent his formative years in
Bicycle, pedal-powered soft folds of his bright lavender round of killings, the grief-stricken Wilmington, Delaware, where, at
mechanism that increases the bloomers. animal summoned all its demonic the age of 12, he walked in on the
speed and efficiency of getting hit
Bergman, Ingmar (b. July 14, 1918 powers to urge the notorious killer mother of a school friend while she
by a car.
d. July 30, 2007), Swedish director to turn himself over to police, a re- was changing and then asked if she
and self-described total morning quest that was misconstrued as di- really wanted him to leave. Biden
person who made such films as rect orders to murder another four graduated high school in 1961, but
The Seventh Seal, Shame, and Hour innocent New Yorkers. for three years afterward periodi-
Of The Wolf, and who was known Bible, collection of powerful magi- cally hung out in the parking lot of
for extolling the importance of cal spells that can be used to put a his alma mater in his 1957 Ford Del
keeping ones chin up and always deadly curse on an enemy or reani- Rio station wagon (the back of
looking at the glass as half full. Berg- mate the deceased. With its arcane which he had converted into a cot
man often worked with the same incantations pertaining to necro- and mini bar) in order to, in his
ensemble of actors, handpicked for words, check out the fresh crop of
their easygoing nature and willing- sweet peaches. Following a suc-
ness to come in fresh every Monday cessful career selling Cutco knives
with great attitudes, always gung ho door-to-door, Biden was elected to
about exploring themes of human public office in 1970, when he won
alienation, loss of religious faith, a seat on the Wilmington City
and insanity. Bergman retired in Council by running on a platform
2003 and spent the last four years of of gas, grass, or assno one rides
his life learning to square dance and for free. Political success at the fed-
enjoying as much yummy choco- eral level soon followed, and Biden
late as he could get his hands on. served seven terms as a U.S. senator
Berkowitz, David (b. June 1, 1953), from Delaware, often saying the
serial killer known as the Son highlight of his legislative career
JOE BIDEN of Sam who terrorized New York came in 1981 during a goodwill trip
In 2010, Biden was asked to take City from 1976 mancy and taking control of others to West Germany, when he held a
down risqu photos of Loni
to 1977 after minds to make them do ones bid- closed-door backstage meeting
Anderson from the vice presidential
website. misinterpreting ding, the Bible is the most popular with Klaus Meine and Rudolf
instructions from book of all time and remains a vital Schenker of the rock band the Scor-
his neighbors de- resource in the daily lives of mil- pions, attended also by at least a
monically pos- lions of people seeking recipes for half-dozen young women who
sessed dog, who potions that allow one to build a couldnt afford tickets to the show.
had in fact only wanted Berkowitz loyal harem of hypnotized sex Among Bidens other accomplish-
to take care of some errands hed slaves. Because the principal books ments are the invention of a fire-
been putting off for a while. In a of the Bible are believed to have work he named the Tijuana Bum-
blunder that resulted in the shoot- been written between 3,500 and ble Bee (created by twisting
ing deaths of six people and the 2,000 years ago, scholars maintain together the fuses of two cherry
wounding of numerous others, that many of the magic spells, such bombs and a large bottle rocket),
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E B

having at one time been the largest was compressed into a single point so theres no use trying to conceive
breeder of albino Burmese pythons the size of an atom, which expand- of what before the Big Bang might
in Delaware, and acting as the ed in a fraction of a second to form, have been, because it wasnt any-
spokesman for Brut aftershave from out of what was previously a noth- thing. Then there was everything.
1992 to 1995, a contract he lost af- ingness devoid of any light or physi- Nothing. Big Bang. Everything.
ter referring to Asian-Americans as cal matter, the four dimensions of See?
Orientals 39 times during a pro- the universe we know today. And Bigfoot, or Sasquatch, an alleged
motional appearance at a Miami thats that. The cosmos in its in- 6-to-10-foot-tall forest-dwelling
boat show. The vice president, comprehensible entirety, shrunk primate the United States allocates
whose whereabouts are currently $350 billion of its annual budget
unknown, was last seen in the vicin- and employs more than 14,000 gov-
ity of a decrepit Streamline trailer ernment workers trying to locate.
on a derelict lot in downtown The numerous federal programs
Washington. After the camper dedicated to finding Bigfoot are
mysteriously caught fire, local law considered sacred cows among
enforcement discovered it was American voters, who consistently
filled with counterfeit designer rank capturing the hirsute bipedal Big Ben, nickname for the Large
handbags. down to an infinitely dense core, cryptid as one of the countrys top Benjamin clock tower inside
Londons Palace of Westminster.
Big Bang, vast explosion of concen- suddenly exploding, cooling, and domestic priorities, along with
trated energy from which the entire creating everything in existence. spurring the economy, fixing the
universe was formed and time itself Boom. Simple. Shouldnt be diffi- healthcare system, and preserving
began, before which there was cult to get, really. There was previ- Social Security. The mere sugges-
nothing, and whats so difficult to ously no such thing as time, then tion that the United States cut fund-
understand about that? Approxi- there was the Big Bang, and now ing for locating Bigfoot is tanta-
mately 13.7 billion years ago, all the there is time. Before that, one mount to political suicide, as
matter and energy in the universe couldnt measure time, or anything, evidenced by presidential candi-

BIOLOGY, study of the earths trillions and Amoeba

trillions of living organisms in order to get to Seems lost. Not just
directionless, but lost
know each amoeba, insect, and mammal
personally and find out what makes it tick as
an individual. While the mammoth undertak-
ing of biology begins with the broad categori-
zation of life-forms according to characteris-
tics such as structure and reproduction,
biologists are ultimately concerned with truly Beetle
As the minutes
getting to know a particular plant or animal, its go by, feels Ficus
hopes and dreams, its personal philosophy, itself becoming Really just concerned with
more and more focusing on career to ensure
even its deepest regrets. Modern biology financial security after retiring
like its father
traces its origins to ancient Greece, where
Aristotle was among the first not only to
engage in empirical biological studies, but also
to get organisms talking about what really
drives them. Technological advances such as
the microscope and conceptual breakthroughs
such as evolutionary theory have allowed
organisms to be classified with incredible
sophistication, though scientists readily Elephant
Caiman Large land mammal
acknowledge there remains no substitute for Reptilian apex predator and eternal who likes to kick back
sitting down with a dog, tree, or bacterium optimist; determined to give this life and relax after a long
everything its got and then some day in Africa
and simply asking, Who are you?

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B Bikini to Napoleon Bonaparte

date Walter Mondales 1984 plan to

scale back a joint FBI, NSA, CIA, Bigfoot:
and Naval operation ordered after a A National Priority
More than 30,000 field agents
possible Bigfoot footprint was dis-
patrol the nations woods at all times.
covered in Washingtons Hoh Rain
Forest. Incumbent Ronald Reagan $110 million spent on luring the

seized on the political misfire, la- sasquatch with an 8,000-foot pile of

meat placed in the center of Olympic
beled Mondale as out of touch with National Forest in 2003.
everyday Americans, and won the
In order to allow him to focus
election by 512 electoral votes.
solely on Bigfoot, the President of
Bikini, swimsuit apparel designed to the United States delegates all of his
shield viewers from the unsightly responsibilities for the month of
breasts, buttocks, and vaginas of October, is given a gun, and goes to
find the elusive creature himself.
Birth Control, means through women.
which women may specify when Bill Of Rights, first 10 amendments The FBI maintains a vast In 1988, 40,000 gallons of deer

and how many babies are to be computer network completely urine were sprayed on metropolitan
to the U.S. Constitution safeguard-
produced for the United separate from the wider Internet, and rural areas by fleet of helicopters
Hatchery. ing such essential rights as freedom used solely for Bigfoot-related to mask the smell of the Pacific
of speech, protection from unrea- communications. Northwests human population.
sonable search and seizure, and due
process under the law, none of Center, the elevators are out and he with urine, vomit, and fecal matter.
which for some bizarre reason was must spend eternity walking up and Bin Laden has tried repeatedly to
part of the Constitution to begin down both skyscrapers delivering escape his divine punishment by
with. The Bill of Rights explicitly very heavy packages. As part of his jumping from the top of the World
guarantees freedom of religion and damnation, the Saudi-born bin Trade Center, an action that only
protection from cruel and unusual Laden is forced to carry an infinite causes him to end up back in the
punishment, secondary concerns number of metal file cabinets, 72- mail room with five times as many
that our Founding Fathers appar- inch televisions, and 8-foot-long of- heavy objects to deliver.
ently decided could sit on the back fice couches all by himself to em- Birdal Shower, outdoor stall that
burner for three years, while, for ex- ployees working on the 110th floor, birds can stand in and turn on run-
ample, empowering the president who then give ning water to clean themselves.
to fill recess vacancies absolutely the exhausted Birth Of A Nation, 1915 American
could not. In 186574 years after bin Laden a silent film by D.W. Griffith, whose
the Bill of Rights was ratifiedthe heavy Christian innovative racism techniques were
practice of slavery was abolished by relic or Torah to groundbreaking at the time. His
the 13th Amendment, which not take all the way novel inclusion of a menacing black
only failed to make the cut for the back down to antagonist was a pioneering leap
Constitution, but also managed to the basement. Throughout the day, forward in racism, and scholars cite
slip by our enlightened forefathers bin Laden makes an average of 12 Griffith as one of the first racists
when they were writing up some- million individual deliveries, during ever to utilize the large, motherly
thing called the Bill of Rights. which his dolly is constantly break- black servant archetypea major
OSAMA BIN LADEN
In bin Ladens hell, when he slips on Bin Laden, Osama (b. Mar. 10, ing, both of his ankles are severely influence on the racists who later
the World Trade Center stairs, he 1957 d. May 2, 2011), founder of sprained, and he is extremely made Gone With The Wind and
always falls down all 2,400 steps,
even if hes only on second floor. the militant Islamist organization thirsty. In addition to his duties as Song Of The South. While some
al-Qaeda and guiding force behind mail-room clerk, the radical Is- techniques innovated in Birth Of A
the September 11 attacks who is lamist also has to fill in for the Nation may seem primitive to to-
currently suffering torturous an- buildings janitor, Raul, who in bin days more sophisticated bigots,
guish in a specific dimension of hell Ladens hell is forever out sick and most still consider Griffiths
where he is the sole mail-room clerk unavailable to fix toilets, which are cutting-edge method of denying his
at the still-standing World Trade always clogged and overflowing film was racist through a series of
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E B

unconvincing and condescending gets to Catherine, there is only starting off the night pretty nervous
mea culpas among the most elabo- enough room left for her to write but eventually getting on the dance
rate and stunning pieces of horse- her name and a small lightning bolt, floor and having a good time, real-
shit ever staged by a racist. an inside joke that only Peter would izing that high school is short and
Birthday, anniversary of the day on appreciate. A birthday card will stay that he is going to make the most
which you, Evander Holyfield, John on Peters desk unopened for six out of his senior year, and then
Lithgow, Ty Pennington, Empress months, at which point it will be wondering why prom cant just be
Myeongseong, Auguste Lumire, thrown away with a stack of papers. from 7 to 11 like every other dance.
Amy Carter, John le Carr, and Black Death, devastating pandemic By this point, the predator has more
Chris Kattan were born. that wiped out as much as 60 per- than likely walked away.
Birthday Card, paper or cardboard cent of Western civilization in the Blume, Judy (b. Feb. 12, 1938),
greeting that is currently making its 14th century and pales in compari- American writer whose books for
way around the office to sign for son to whats coming. teen audiences gave kids a license to
Peter. Purchased by Liz during her Blue-Tongued Lizard, reptile that be fat and menstruate with
lunch break, a birthday card is first eludes predators by camouflaging impunity. Black Panthers, radical
given to Craig, one of the few peo- itself into its surroundings, shed- Boil, infectious hair particle that African-American political group
ple Liz is comfortable talking to, ding its tail, transforming into a one would have gotten checked out whose members arent nearly as
intimidating now that theyre
and subsequently signed by Rachel, 16-year-old boy going to his first by a doctor 10 years ago, but at this
elderly, probably arthritic, and
Jason, Kyle, and Bruce. Ravi didnt prom, feeling awkward because its point, with so much other stuff taking cholesterol medication.
know what to write and gave the a junior and is taking a senior, be- wrong with ones body, might as
card to A.J., whose note was a bla- coming flustered because it forgot a well just leave the boil.
tant attempt to one-up what Kyle boutonniere, making awkward Bonaparte, Napolon (b. Aug. 15,
wrote. By the time a birthday card small talk with its dates parents, 1769 d. May 5, 1821), French gen-

BLACK HILLS, mountain range spanning

much of South Dakota and parts of Wyoming
that was the site of an 1874 gold rush and the
2003 Methamphetamine Rush. The yearlong
period began on May 16, 2003, when a large
bag of meth was discovered in a local tweakers
basement around the corner from the Pizza
Hut in Custer, South Dakota. Spurred by tales
of yank as far as the eye can see that had
started to circulate among dealers in the
Midwest, the Aught Threers, as they were
known, flocked to the Black Hills by the
hundreds seeking the promise of a steady
hookup and hoping to make their fortunes in
the areas booming meth labs. By 2004 a
number of meth towns had sprung up to serve
the influx of geeked-out lokes, skitzers, and
jibby bears, some of whom had traveled from
as far away as Asbury Park, New Jersey, to stake
their claim on a fat sack of go-go juice. While
some early arrivals did strike it rich, many
others lost everything due to an overabun-
dance of supply and were forced to pack up
their rigs and return home as paupers. Small
flecks of meth can still be found in the Black
Hills, though the huge twists of spaceman once
commonplace in 2003 have largely vanished. 2003 letter from a crankster to his bag whore back home.

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B John Bonham to Boxer Rebellion

eral and emperor whose deep inse-

curities about his small physical BOAT, floating carriage propelled by a team of swimming horses.
stature pushed him to conquer
Canoe
much of Europe while driving
around in a Porsche 911. Napolon
came to power during the chaotic
unrest caused by the French Revo-
Speedboat
lution, overthrowing the ruling Di-
rectory government in a 1799 coup
dtat in which the diminutive and
intensely self-conscious general Cruise Liner
burst into the chambers of the
Council of Ancients in his turbo-
charged, cherry red Porsche 911,
BONSAI revving the engine in an aggressive Submarine
Bonsai are used to meditate upon
nature and such philosophical
manner to silence the opposition.
questions as, What would it be like After taking control of the country,
if I were a tiny little person sitting
under that tiny little tree? and Will
the insecure emperor embarked on
they ever make a little monkey to a conquest of Europe, leading his
play in my little tree?
men into battle while driving his ex- costume jewelry, some pencils, and Louisiana grocery store clerk while
pensive German sports car, and in at least nine bags of potato chips. stealing eight packs of gum and a
the process of conquering most of Following their first daring misde- box of toothpicks; the duo was then
the continent, he acquired a pair of meanor larceny in 1932, when they forced to pose for a photograph
wraparound Oakley sunglasses and took a souvenir key chain from a holding the merchandise they had
began dating a 22-year-old Asian Texas gas station, Parker and Bar- attempted to take, which was added
woman. Napolons increasingly to the shops Wall of Shame along-
antagonistic behavior and paranoia side that of contemporary notori-
stemming from his suspicions that ous criminal John Dillinger, who
people were ridiculing him for his had tried to steal condoms from the
height led his marshals to mutiny, same store in 1933.
and they exiled the hotheaded gen- Bonsai, small decorative tree
eral to the island of Elba in 1814 af- groomed using traditional Japanese
ter he bought a set of Arctic Cat methods by people who believe no-
ProCross snowmobiles. bility and inner peace can be at-
Bonham, John (b. May 31 , 1948 d. tained by mauling flora.
Sept. 25, 1980), musician widely Bookmark, device used by feeble-
credited with being hands-down, minded individuals who cannot
without argument, the single great- read a book in one sitting and need
Bombardier Beetle, type of
insect that defends itself by est drummer who ever lived, per- a flimsy strip of paper to mark
shooting a boiling hot, foul iod. (See Neil Peart, Keith row began to blatantly pocket up to where they left off. Invented in
smelling liquid from its anal Moon, Buddy Rich, Max four candy bars at a time from gen- 1852 to aid the senile and de-
cavity. You live in a world where
such a thing exists.
Roach) eral stores, tearing haphazardly mented, bookmarks today are used
Bonnie And Clyde, popular name across the central United States and only by intellectually inferior social
for Bonnie Parker and Clyde using members of their notorious outcasts who are regarded by their
Barrow, an infamous duo of gang to distract shopkeepers with peers as weak willed or mentally
Depression-era American shoplift- small talk. Parker and Barrows impaired and are widely ridiculed
ers who came to national attention wanton five-finger discount spree for needing help continuing a book
during a brazen string of petty thefts came to an end in 1934 when the from where they stopped reading
in which they stole several pieces of pair was caught red-handed by a the previous night. The only people
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BOXER REBELLION, Chinese proto-

nationalist movement opposing Western imperial-
ism that took place during the waning days of the
Qing Dynasty and is only looked up in a reference
volume when one has a report on it due this
Monday. Though the rebellion was led by a sect
known as the Righteous Harmonious Fists
(Boxers) and took place between 1898 and 1901,
our advice would be to devote an entire section of
the paper to the evolution of the Qing Dynasty,
which is sort of off topic, but easily copied-and-
pasted from various Internet sources; this will not
only make the report look well researched, but
longer. Longer is key because it shows effort, and
thats all history teachers in seventh or eighth
grade really care about because the bar is so low.
The rebellion pitted 300,000 Boxers against
70,000 imperial troopstwo statistics that should
definitely be included in the first three paragraphs Booth, John Wilkes (b. May 10,
1838 d. Apr. 26, 1865), revolu-
of the essay. In fact, one should include as many
tionary performance artist best
statistics as possible, and spell the numbers out known for his Sic Semper Tyrannis
because that will also add length. There were ten A picture of these Chinese-looking dudes will make piece, which he performed only
thousand (see that?) Muslim Kansu Braves and your report legit. once, in front of a capacity crowd
several thousand Manchu Bannermen of the Tiger at Fords Theatre in Washington,
and Divine Corps who were loyal to Prince Duan. calls it. You know what? Just plagiarize the D.C., in 1865. Booth was
We dont know what any of that means either, but following paragraph. (It has a few spelling errors renowned for his commitment to
it should still go in the report. Remember, the goal and is pretty disjointed, but that will actually make his craft and finished the
is not to write an A paper here, but to obtain the it look natural.) Heres the paragraph: performance of his most famous
highest possible grade with the least amount of work despite breaking his leg
Foreigners called members of this society Boxers midway through.
effort. Here are some more names to throw in
because they practiced martial arts, like karate and
there because the teacher will probably just look
other forms of martial arts. The Boxers also believed
for key words to put checkmarks next to: Zaiyi,
that they had a magical power, and that forign bullets
Manchu general Ronglu, and Dong Fuxiang. Also
could not harm them. Millions of spirit soldiers would
separate the paper with subtopics like Causes,
soon rise from the dead and join their cause.
Tactics, and Aftermath, but not in the exact
order Wikipedia does it because that will look If anyone questions anything in the paper, just say
suspicious. Shit, sorry, we should have said this your dad helped. Plus, try to print out an image of
earlier, but its also important to include why the a Chinese painting from the time period to use as
rebels were called Boxers. Actually, that should a cover page. Mrs. Klepperman used to love that
probably be somewhere in the topic paragraph, or kind of shit.
thesis statement, depending on what your teacher

Writing Your Bibliography

Bootlegging, Prohibition-era
Most history teachers want reports to have a small bibliography. Its annoying, but it doesnt need to be real long.
practice in which alcohol was
Its easy enough to grab a couple of sources from the bibliography at the bottom of Wikipedias Boxer Rebellion
manufactured, transported, and
page, and you also might want to go onto Amazon, type Boxer Rebellion into the search bar, and pick out
dumped out, as alcohol was illegal
something from around the seventh page, just so youve got something a little more obscure in there. (Dont worry
at the time.
if any of these books arent in print anymore because you can always say you read them at the library, which always
has really out-of-date stuff.) Also feel free to use the sources below, though you might want to swap one of them
out if you have time.

Bickers, Robert A., The Scramble for China: Foreign Devils In The Qing Empire, 18001914 (London: Allen Lane, 2011).
Keown-Boyd, Henry, The Fists Of Righteous Harmony: A History Of The Boxer Uprising In China In The Year 1900 (Leo Cooper,
1991).
Xiang, Lanxin, The Origins Of The Boxer War: A Multinational Study (Psychology Press, 2003).

25

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B Boston Massacre to BP

considered lower in class than

bookmark users are those who dog-
ear pages to remember their place,
and those who read Rolling Stone.
Boston Massacre, great name for a
violent tragedy and one that should
have been saved for a time when
someone really goes apeshit and
starts gunning down everyone in
sight in the middle of downtown
Boston. After British Redcoats
opened fire on a crowd of colonists
on March 5, 1770, pamphleteers
began using the name without stop-
ping to think that maybe the death
of five civilians wasnt worthy of the Wouldnt exactly call this a massacre. Looks more like a couple guys letting off some
Boston Massacre title, and that steam.
somewhere down the road a much If the grass of Boston Common is who waited his whole life for that
bloodier incident with a higher ever soaked with blood and Com- historic moment, and no other Red
body count might be. Because the monwealth Avenue is littered with Sox fan whatsoever. It is equally im-
name, which sounds visceral and corpses, such an event will, unfortu- portant to disregard the Red Sox
rolls off the tongue, was wasted on nately, have to be called The Bos- players themselves and firmly con-
Box, vulgar slur for a
an incident that didnt even imme- ton Bad Day, The Common- centrate on that one man who was
rectangular container. diately spark the Revolutionary wealth Catastrophe, or even worse, born two years after the teams 1918
War, there wont be any good way Boston Massacre II, which would World Series winthe sweet old
to describe a future attack from a just be pathetic, frankly. grandfather who fought in two
screaming man or woman who af- Boston Red Sox, professional base- wars, went to work as an oil furnace
fixes a bayonet to an M-16 and ball franchise that in 2004 broke an repairman year after year without
marches through the Back Bay slic- 86-year championship drought, complaint, and endured almost a
ing peoples throats open and firing which is kind of touching if one can century of heartbreakhim and
indiscriminately on schoolchildren. just focus solely on the old man positively no one else affiliated with

CITIES OF THE WORLD

Boston
Large northeastern American city of 650,000
people, each of whom, regardless of class or
socioeconomic status, is a humongous asshole.
Founded in 1630 by English Puritans fleeing
persecution and seeking a place to practice their
religion as free assholes, Boston has evolved into a
center for education, medicine, and telling one
another to shut the fuck up. Common cultural
activities include being physically assaulted by the
working-class assholes of South Boston, dodging
the thousands of college-student assholes as they Assholes from all walks of life call Boston home.
stumble from the citys many asshole bars, being
looked down upon with withering contempt by divide, Bostons diverse citizenry crosses all color
the obscenely wealthy blue-blood assholes of boundaries to form the most irritating and
Beacon Hill, and talking about their overpaid insufferable group of people in the United States.
baseball team of assholes. Despite a tangible racial (See Philadelphia)

26

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E B

BRIAN OSTERS HOUSE, residence on Sycamore Drive widely regarded as the most awesome
house in the neighborhood for several years in the mid-1990s. Friends hanging out after school or sleeping
over in the humongous, finished basement marveled at the volume of cool stuff contained in the Oster
residence as well as the extremely minimal parental oversight. Visits to the house ended abruptly in April
1998 when Osters dad got laid off and had to move the family to Atlanta or something.
1. Kitchen 5. Hallway
Good kind of cereal Freaking huge
Endless supply of mounted deer head
10 microwave popcorn,
Sprite, string cheese 6. Master Bedroom
6 Spinning bar stools Water bed
Gun
2. Brians Room
TV, VCR, three 7. Bathroom
different kinds of Blue stuff in toilet
4 video game consoles Electronic scale
Telescope Shower with glass
2 Smaller telescope door instead of
Biggest plasma shower curtain
globe available at
Spencers 8. Basement
About 80 board
3. Older Brother games
7 Mikes Room Ping-Pong table
11 issues of Punching bag
5 Playboy 128 cans of room-
4 issues of Hustler temperature ginger
1 issue of Club ale
1
International
Butterfly knife 9. Garage
3 Basketball hoop
8
4. Living Room that can be lowered
Giant TV with every for dunking
9 cable channel,
including Cinemax 10. Backyard
NordicTrack Store-bought tree
Recliner with cup house
holders Jacuzzi

the Red Sox in any way. The man, wearing a Yankees cap, was actually and no one else. The old man.
who would never think of pouring a born in Fitchburg, about 40 miles Boston Tea Party, 1773 incident in
full cup of beer on the head of an- northwest of Boston, and not the which 115 colonists, dressed as In-
other fan simply because he was city itself. Remember: the old man dians, and Samuel Adams, dressed
as the Green Lantern, boarded Bride, a variety of delusional
person. (See Groom, College
ships and dumped British tea into
GOD-KING OF THE AMERICAS Graduate, New Parent,
James Buchanan the Boston Harbor. Freelancer)
Bowling, game in which the object
(b. Apr. 23, 1791 d. Aug. 12, 1861), self-anointed
is to roll a heavy ball down a 60-foot
divine imperial overlord of the United States who,
immediately after being elected president in 1857, alley, or lane, and knock down a set
enthroned himself on a golden ziggurat and of 10 wooden pins in an effort to
brutally ruled the nation in a debauched phantasmagoria of sex, drown out ones sadness.
blood, and madness that nearly destroyed the republic. During what BP, oil and gas company responsi-
he referred to as his glorious reign of holy exaltation, Buchanan ble for the 2010 Deepwater Hori-
subjected the country to his cruel whims and grandiose habits,
zon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico as
having by the end of his four years in power transformed the White
House into a large arena for viewing indescribably cruel blood well asactually, you know what?
sports of his own devising, killed his own child, held countless Thats the only thing worth men-
orgies deep into the night as New York and Washington burned, tioning about BP in this encyclope-
and appointed his dog Excelsior vice president upon murdering dia. Any amount of text dedicated
running mate John C. Breckinridge with a golden scimitar. to when the company was founded
American citizens were powerless to stop the power-mad Buchanan
or how many billions of dollars it
during his duly elected term, but voted him out of office in 1861,
finally leaving Buchanans Cabinet free to torture him, pierce him earns each year would shift focus
with lances, and then burn him alive. away from the fact that BPs main
contribution to society is an explo-
27

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B Mathew Brady to Buddy Ranch

sion that killed 11 men and dumped an image of President Lincoln gaz- bronze jugs, and an abundance of
4.9 million barrels of crude oil into ing into a mirror while beholding people wondering when the hell
the ocean over the course of three the testicles of Confederate presi- the goddamn Bronze Age was fi-
months. Including anything else in dent Jefferson Davis. nally going to end. Archaeologists
this entry, like the number of opera- Braille, Louis (b. Jan. 4, 1809 d. Jan. have since unearthed historical re-
tions BP has worldwide, seems 6, 1852), French educator whose cords in the Vrble ruins in Central
pretty goddamn inconsequential by system of embossed-point writing Europe dating to several years be-
comparison. Moreover, even men- allowed the blind to read the equiv- fore the discovery of iron ore smelt-
tioning its listing on the London alent of 20,000 ing that read Jesus Christ with the
Stock Exchange would be immate- pages of printed bronze already. Why is this lasting
rial because the only thing any rea- material every so long?
sonable person should be con- minute. Using Brother-In-Law, man who has only
cerned with is how BP nearly two columns of worked two months since 2009 and
destroyed the entire Gulf Coast three dots that just bought a fucking boat anyway.
MATHEW BRADY
economy and could have avoided are raised at various intervals, Brothers Grimm, creepy 19th-
Bradys polarizing work has
influenced the medium of war doing so had it adhered to federally Brailles tactile alphabet is by far the century German brothers Jacob
photography, notably in the famous mandated safety regulations. If any- most efficient means of reading and Wilhelm, who together col-
portrait of Gen. George Patton
standing with a fully erect penis in thing, this entry should do more to ever developed: A single dot in the lected and published volumes of
front of a Sherman tank. clarify that 4.9 million barrels is upper-left corner is roughly equal to provocative, often grotesque, and
more than 200 million gallons of 5,000 standard English sentences, violent childrens stories that have
oil, which covered anywhere from and three dots in an L-shaped pat- since become classics, though if the
2,500 to 68,000 square miles of the tern contain the entire contents of two were alive today, no one would
Gulf, affecting the ecosystem in the Oxford English Dictionary. In the want their children anywhere near
ways that will never be quantifi- time the average sighted reader them. Responsible for preserving
ableall facts about BP that are a spends on this entry, a visually im- and putting their own imprint
BRAILLE hell of a lot more noteworthy than paired individual using Braille can on the stories of Snow White, Ra-
who served as its first CEO, though read the complete text of this ency- punzel, and Sleeping Beauty, the
it is worth mentioning that the clopedia 47 times. brothers would today be picketed
CEO during the oil spill, Tony Hay- Bris, Jewish ritual that involves fam- by outraged and disgusted parents
ward, is a huge prick. ily and friends gathering to watch a concerned about their predilection
Brady, Mathew (b. May 18, 1822 person known as a mohel cut off an
Braille character d. Jan. 15, 1896), photographer 8-day-old boys foreskin and then
whose work captured the inherent toss it to someone in the crowd who
eroticism of the Civil War in a series attempts to catch it in their mouth.
of sexually charged black-and-white Broadway, American musical tradi-
portraits. Brady gained notoriety tion that has been allowed to pro-
for the way he used his lens to strip ceed since the early 1900s.
away the wars brutal veneer and ar- Bronze Age, bronze-tool-based
tistically access the sensuality and period from 3300 to 1200 bc that
carnal desires of the men who human civilization couldnt get over
fought the nations bloodiest con- with fast enough because it was up for torturing people and placing
flict. His best-known photos in- to its neck in bronze, bronze, children in jeopardy. While people
clude two nude Union infantrymen bronze, bronze, and more bronze. love the timelessness of such tales
Print equivalent
embracing in the aftermath of the Falling directly after the Stone Age as Cinderella, imagine any parent in
Battle of Antietam; a formation of and before the Iron Age, the their right mind picking up a book
Confederate soldiers standing side two-millennia-long Bronze Age was about dismembering children with
by side and holding leashes at- characterized by bronze weapons, a picture of those two freaks on the
tached to each others genitals; and, bronze jewelry, bronze statuary, back and thinking, This is the per-
perhaps his most provocative work, bronze utensils, bronze ornaments, fect book for my young child.
28

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E B

Brown, Jim (b. Feb. 17, 1936), for- everywhere delighted in hearing occasions by people who thought
mer NFL running back who played Bruce change the face of comedy he was rabid after he approached
from 1957 to 1965 who still repre- with his joke-free routines, explain- them with his message. After finally
sents Clevelands best shot at ever ing at length the nuances of vocabu- being reincarnated into a decent
winning a championship. lary and grammatical rules, and human body instead of as another
Brown, Molly (b. July 18, 1867 how they contributed to his mount- damn squirrel, the Buddha was able
d. Oct. 26, 1932), survivor of the Ti- ing legal problems. Bruce was her- to gain large numbers of followers
tanic disaster who swam after the alded as a genius for the way he es- in the 5th century bc, though a very
crash to the infamous iceberg and chewed the traditional hallmarks of small minority of adherents contin-
resided there for 12 years before she the stand-up comedian, such as set- ue to worship him in his squirrel
was rescued by a passing cargo ship. ups and laughter, influencing count- form. Brain, complex organ located in
the cranium that is tasked with
Doggy-paddling over other passen- less future 21st-century comedians. Buddhism, system of ancient be- cognition, interpreting sensory
gers and members of the crew who Bryan, William Jennings, unfortu- liefs that poses as a religion, even information, replaying the most
were drowning in the frigid North nately no information on this per- though it lacks dogmatic faith in shameful and embarrassing
memories of ones life in an
Atlantic, Brown made it to the mas- son could be found. supernatural beings, organized op-
endless loop until one dies, and
sive floating block of ice without Buddha (b. 563 bc d. 440 bc), pression of nonbelievers, a bloody motor function.
catching hypothermia and quickly prince born Siddhrtha Gautama history of forced conversion, and
constructed from salvaged debris a who founded the philosophy and antagonism toward science.
10-room, multilevel shelter that she religion of Buddhism, something Buddy Ranch, pal house outside
gradually weatherized using whale he was only able to accomplish after Carson City, Nevada, where clients
blubber as insulation. For the next finally being reincarnated as a hu- select a guy companion and pay top
decade, the American socialite and man, having spent his first 46 life- dollar to enjoy such hangout activi-
philanthropist subsisted on seal times as a squirrel. Though the Su- ties as playing video games, watch-
meat, fish, and puffin eggs, each preme Buddha had long wished to ing sports, munching on food, or
night lighting giant bonfires and spread his teachings about reaching sitting on a couch drinking beer.
scanning the horizon with a home- enlightenment through meditation Upon arriving at the ranch, patrons
made telescope in the hopes of and the subsequent death of desire, are invited to choose from a wide
being discovered by one of the the 140 years he spent being reborn selection of dudes who are tall,
many merchant vessels that oper- as a variety of different species of short, skinny, chubby, African-
ated in the area. On March 12, ground squirrel made it difficult, as American, or Asian, and can even
1924, her SOS signal, sent from an he had to relay these complex mes- select a buddy in a wheelchair if
ingenious telegraph machine con- sages through the limited squeaks thats what they are into. Clients
Breakfast, morning meal
structed from the carcass of a slain and chirps he was able to produce; then enter a room filled with flat- sometimes consisting of eggs,
walrus, was received by the Sweden- in fact, he was killed on at least three screen televisions and foosball buttered toast, bacon, and coffee
registered SS Stockholm, and Brown that one places under the pillow
before going to sleep and
and her two infant daughters left
consumes immediately upon
behind the basic settlement that waking.
had grown over the years to include
a chapel, a school, a smokehouse, a
small theater, and a replica of the
Parthenon.
Bruce, Lenny (b. Oct. 13, 1925
d. Aug. 3, 1966), legendary Ameri-
can comedian best known for his
hilarious bit in which he took on
the persona of a joyless man who
would angrily lecture the audience
for hours at a time without deliver-
ing a single punch line. Fans The Buddy Ranch offers clean, top-shelf pals of every shape, size, and ethnicity.
29

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B Bugle to Calendar

WINNER , BUSH V. GORE tables and are charged according to Burrito, Mexican food consisting of
George W. Bush their particular predilection: $75 to a flour tortilla wrapped around BURIAL, final act of
entombing a body following
(b. July 6, split an order of cheese fries, $125 chicken or beef, with other fillings
death:
1946), 43rd to play Madden on PlayStation 3, such as riceuhblack beans
president of the Ground Burial
$200 to listen to some tunes hold on, make that pintosome Deceased is placed in a
United States,
together, $225 for a movie, and an lettuceuh, cheeseyeah, ched- casket and lowered into a
who received
additional $300 to do any of it with dar jack, and, uhhow much for pit right next to hundreds
the presidency of perfect strangers, many of
as a gift for his 54th birthday two buddies at once. Some custom- guacamole? Okay, lemme get some
whom have much nicer caskets.
from his parents, George and ers prefer to hang back and watch guacamole. The tortilla is steamed
Cremation
Barbara. Using his connec- two buddies battle it out in an epic or grilled to make it softer and more
Body is burned to ash,
tions in the Supreme Court, air-guitar duel. By necessity, the flexible, and is topped withyou placed in an urn, and
Bushs father was able to pull a scattered in deceaseds
Buddy Ranch has a state-of-the art know what, gimme some corn, too,
few strings at the last minute favorite Italian dish.
to get his son the extravagant security system and armed guards, and some sour cream but not too
present, which the younger in case any clients get a little too much. And just a little mild pico de Toilet Burial
Remains liquefied and
Bush accepted despite his rough with a pal in an argument galloa little more, a little more
poured down a toilet,
disappointment over not over whether Tom Brady is a better Okay, thats good. Cool. then flushed.
receiving the Ford Mustang quarterback than Peyton Manning. Bus, vehicle used to travel from one
he had repeatedly requested. Space Burial
Bugle, shrill, high-pitched instru- terrible location to another, making Method of burial, prior to
Although Bush enjoyed the
ment worn around every male local, regional, and national stops at which the cremated ash
parade held in his honor, he
humans neck that is blown to depressing terminals covered in must spend 40 hours in a
grew bored of the Oval Office flight simulator, be able to
after a few months, so his announce whenever they have an filth that are within walking dis- tread water for 10 minutes
buddies Dick and Donald erection. tance of federal prisons, homeless while still inside its capsule, and
orchestrated the military Bull Market, period of increased in- shelters, and methadone clinics, as log 15 hours inside a neutral
invasion of Afghanistan to buoyancy simulator so it can
vestment and investor confidence well as soul-crushing, blighted
cheer him up and give Bush become accustomed to zero
something to do. Bush also that occurs when Wall Street neighborhoods. gravity.
received a second presidential employees are getting away with Bush, George H.W. (b. June 12,
Mass Grave
term as an early Christmas breaking the law. Characterized by a 1924), Caucasian American male Loved one is hastily
present in 2004, not long after sense of optimism because invest- who worked in government for buried atop dozens
inheriting his fathers old war. ment rules are being blatantly disre- several years. Bush was born in of other people who
also disliked the government.
garded right under the SECs nose, Massachusetts, served in the U.S.
Leave It Where It Lies
MAIN ACHIEVEMENT bull markets are difficult to predict Navy, and attended college before
Body is simply left to
Extended Daylight Saving Time as economists never know when an eventually moving to Washington, decay where it
BIGGEST REGRET investment firm will figure out a D.C. Bush retired in 1993. He has a collapses, serving to remind us all
Never attended a Cabinet that death is natural, horrifying,
wife, Barbara, and five children.
meeting and inevitable.
Butter, yellow, fatty, edible sub-
NICKNAMES
Old Fuckup, Old Massive stance created when a boxer uses a
Fuckup, Old Huge Pile Of cows udder for speedbag training. raries as Langston Hughes, Count
Fuckup, Squirt Byrd, Dunsmore (b. May 19, 1899 Basie, and Elsie Monroe, who isnt
FAMOUS QUOTE d. Aug. 31, 1938), made-up histori- real either. Besides being extremely
I think there is a chance I am
cal figure who was an important influential to the fake Boudreaux
not doing a very good job.
Second inaugural address member of the Harlem Renaissance Blue school of intellectual thought,
before being fatally shot by police Byrd was also not in reality the first
new, inventive, sleazy way to while attending a wedding in African-American professor at
completely fuck over others. Bull Philadelphia, sparking the two- Columbia University.
markets are not to be confused with week-long South Street Riots, a
bear markets, which are periods of made-up event. Byrds just-now-
investor fear and pessimism that invented poetry collection, Tom
occur immediately after Wall Street Recollected, gained him the admira-
traders have been caught. tion of such towering contempo-
30

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E C

Cadaver, human corpse that medi- bust would declare itself king, hired Calculator, portable, lightweight

C
cal students must keep with them at assassins who futilely attempted to electronic device capable of storing
all times, whether they are in class, stab Caesars highly polished stone a vast supply of numbers. The num-
studying, or eating out, to prove surface several times. Though their bers housed within a calculator are
they are responsible enough to care weapons caused little damage, the accessed by pressing buttons, which
for a real living patient. After cadav- force of the thrusting blades allows them to be displayed on a
ers are handed out on the first day knocked the bust from its pedestal small screen in real time and taken
of medical school, students name and caused it to smash against the with the user anywhere. Calculators
them and write their initials with a floor and shatter. hold a wide variety of numbers, in-
Sharpie on the deceased persons Caffeine, alkaloid and supposed cluding 757; 16; 84,583; 42;
Cc
Third letter of the modern
forehead so none of the corpses stimulant that doesnt do anything 9,999,999,999; and .0000000001. English alphabet, consisting of
gets mixed up or lost. Throughout anymore and cant even stop the A common companion to the cal- a curved line with two endpoints
that scientists say are growing
the semester, teachers periodically headaches. culator is the word processor, which
closer together at a rate of
check in to make sure students are Cake, chocolate. Angel food. Pine- allows users to carry millions of 1/1,000th of a millimeter every
handling their cadavers with care, apple upside-down. Cheese. Red words, spaces, and punctuation year. Researchers postulate
that by the year 3012, the two
inspecting the outside of the skin velvet. Black forest. Pound. Carrot. marks inside of their computers.
endpoints will touch, making it
for cracks that might indicate a No matter what kind, theyre all Calendar, time-telling device very virtually indistinguishable from
corpse was stuffed into a locker amazing. Try a cake today! Bundt. sad people use to x-off the days until the modern-day letter O.
overnight. Students are also respon-
sible for bathing and dressing the
CANCER, disease marked
corpses, as well as periodically re-
by cells displaying uncontrolled
leasing the various gases that build growth, but theyre making
up in the cadaver after the person advancements in cancer
has died. At the end of the semester, treatment all the time, so you
those who have successfully main- have nothing to worry about.
tained their cadavers celebrate by Cancer cells invade and destroy
other tissues and form
dissecting and dissolving them in a
malignant tumors, but new medications are being developed
vat of acid. constantly by top-notch researchers, so its going to be okay.
Caesar, Gaius Julius (b. July 13, Everything is going to be okay. Some forms of cancer, notably of
100 bc d. Mar. 15, 44 bc), the pancreas or colon, are very difficult to treat, but there are new
119-pound marble bust who experimental drugs that havent yet been approved by the FDA that
commanded a 12-legion army, con- have shown a lot of promise, and in this particular case, where the
cancer is more advanced, theres a very good chance of getting into
quered all of Gaul, and expanded
one of those trial studies. Its important to stay positive. Cancer,
the Roman em- which accounts for 13 percent of all human fatalities, just isnt the
pire across most death sentence it used to be. You can lead a long, happy life with
of Europe and cancer now. You really, really can.
into Africa. A
white statue of a Common Types Of Cancer
head and shoul- PROSTATE CANCER BONE CANCER
ders, Caesar was known for his Cancer that starts in the prostate Abnormal growth of cells within
gland that Greg Hillen had. You the bone that, yes, they may have to Cain, son of Adam and Eve who
striking chiseled features, unwaver- was responsible for committing
know Greg, right? Well, hes doing remove portions of the hip and you
ing, intense gaze, quiet demeanor, the first murder and is suspected
much better now. may never be able to walk normally
and fearless military leadership, in 52 other slayings throughout
again, and sure, if the tumor is more the Old Testament.
typified by the stone busts insis- LYMPHOMA
aggressive theyll probably have to
tence that he be carried into the Rapidly spreading cancer of the
amputate, but everything is going
lymphatic system, and did you hear
middle of the battlefield as war and to be fine. Just fine. Dont cry. You
what the doctor said? Theres also a
carnage raged around him. Caesars can beat this thing. Shh. There,
30 percent chance that it wont
there. There, there
reign came to an end when a group spread any more.
of conspirators, fearing the marble
31

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C John C. Calhoun to Fidel Castro

their vacation to Fort Lauderdale. despite the fact that it is only carried of production are privately owned
Calhoun, John Caldwell (b. Mar 18, out for the most serious offenses and operated for profit by an indi-
1782 d. Mar 31, 1850), U.S. vice and only after the condemned has vidual or individuals, underscoring
president for John Quincy Adams been determined to be an individ- the central tenet that its mine, you
and Andrew Jackson, senator from ual who, even if he didnt actually hear me, all mine, and Im not going
South Carolina, and John Tylers do it, certainly didnt have his hands to share ONE RED CENT of it,
secretary of steak, known for his na- clean and likely did a bunch of goddamn it, I EARNED IT!
Camel, desert ungulate known
tionalist, medium-rare agenda that other horrible, disgusting things GIMME GIMME GIMME I
for the hump on its back, which included advocating for states that no one knows about but would WANT THAT MONEY!
is used to store an extra version rights, a juicy, thick cut of beef, lim- probably come to light eventually. Career, come on. You dont need an
of itself in case the original dies
ited government, and protective Just look at the guy. encyclopedia to tell you what a
in the harsh climate in which it
dwells. tariffs, as well as a baked potato Capitalism, widely prevalent eco- fucking career is.
slathered with butter and sour nomic system based on the under- Caring, human condition wherein
cream, the interests of the South, lying theory that were all going to an individual devotes oneself en-
and piping hot rolls. A renowned be rich, ha ha ha, rich! In a capitalist tirely to a cause or goal, thereby
orator, Calhoun delivered fiery, system, goods and services are ex- making that person totally lame.
perfectly seared but still-tender changed within a free market, re- The more openly and earnestly
speeches that championed the the- sulting in money, oh boy, sweet, someone cares about achieving
ory of minority rights in democracy sweet money as far as the eye can their dreams, the bigger a loser they
and melted in the mouth. see, which is subsequently retained become, with friends, coworkers,
Calligraphy, decorative, often or- by private ownership. Wait until we and family members calling them a
nate handwriting that is generally get our hands on those beautiful massive tool or a total nerd, and
used in invitations to events such as bundles of cold hard green cash that urging them to stop caring so
5. weddings and in correspondence to form the system of profits and much, because its becoming em-
persons living in the 18th century. wages upon which capitalism is de- barrassing. Historically, prominent
3. Calvin, John (b. July 10, 1509 d. pendent. In capitalism, the means lame figures such as Abraham Lin-
2.
May 27, 1564), French theologian
1. and firm believer in the doctrine of
6. 4. ONE TERM TOO MANY
predestinationa fundamental
James Earl Carter
component of his Protestant theo-
(b. Oct. 1, 1924), 39th president of the United
logical system that nevertheless
Carolines Neck States, whose four years in office were some-
1. See how it curves
could not save him from being con- how the least impressive of his entire life. A
here into her collar- demned to hell for all eternity. graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy, prosperous
bone? God, shes Capital Punishment, process by farmer, nuclear engineer, reformist, and
beautiful. governor of Georgia prior to becoming
which the state takes the life of
2. Sometimes she president in 1977, Carter strangely hit the most pronounced lull in
someone who seems guilty enough
would cover up this his career during his single term as the nations chief executive.
part here with a scarf in of a crime. In societies where capital While his presidency was marked by occasional successes such as
the winter. punishment is practiced, it is usu- the Camp David Accords, Carters professional life really took off
3. She used to talk
ally the burden of a prosecutor to again when he left office. In these years, he founded a human rights
about how her neck make the case that the accused nonprofit that won him the Nobel Peace Prize, went on interna-
was too long, but thats might possibly have committed the tional diplomatic missions, and became the public face of Habitat
not true. Its perfect. for Humanity, worthy accomplishments that made his four years as
offense in question or at least defi-
4. Shes not wearing the
president of the United States a blip in an otherwise distinguished
nitely seems like the type, because lifetime of public service.
necklace. I wonder if
she still wears it and someone did something, and why
NICKNAME
thinks of me. shouldnt it be the accused, who Probably just called him The Georgia Peach or something like that.
5. Oh, Caroline
likely wouldnt even be in this situa- MAIN ACCOMPLISHMENT
tion right now if he hadnt been up In 1980 election, showed Americans that an electoral map could look that red.
6. I cant look at this
to no good anyway. Most nations ELECTRONEGATIVITY
anymore. 2.4 (Pauling scale)
have abolished capital punishment,
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E C

coln, Nelson Mandela, and Mother

Teresa expressed so much sincere
enthusiasm for their individual
causes that they couldnt go any-
where without people snickering
and yelling, Relax, dork. Current-
ly, human rights activist Aung San
Suu Kyi and 10-year-old David Jef-
fries care so much about the direc-
tion of Burma and getting better at
piano, respectively, that both are
coming off like huge dorks who
A carbon pig forages for carbon roots.
need to get a life.
Carson, Johnny (b. Oct. 23 1925 CARBON, element that is present in all living organisms but is
Carroll, Lewis (b. Jan. 27, 1832
d. Jan. 23, 2005), thrice-divorced, found in greatest concentration in the South American carbon pig.
d. Jan. 14, 1898), pseudonym for
alcoholic late-night TV host who While carbon accounts for 18 percent of the mass of human beings English writer Charles Dodgson,
and 50 percent of the mass of trees, it makes up 99.97 percent of the whose many friendships with
died of emphysema brought on by
mass of the carbon pig, a swine of the Bolivian mountains that feeds young girls, hobby of photo-
chronic smoking, and a man whom on carbon grasses and carbon fruits and drinks from the carbon graphing children in the nude,
every person in show business is springs unique to the region. Fewer than 200 carbon pigs remain and extensively recorded, barely
constantly trying to emulate. today, as its carbon-rich habitat is depleted by encroaching carbon masked sexual desire for
Casablanca, popular 1942 film in refineries, and its once massive herds are thinned by poachers prepubescent girls led people to
hungry for the animals carbon. wonder if he might, by some
which a number of famous Holly-
chance, perhaps possibly be a
wood actors from the period walk pedophile.
on-screen for a few moments, speak panicked look in their eyes. real name is Alan Petersen, was ele-
a well-known line of dialogue, and Castro, Fidel (b. Aug. 13, 1926), vated to commander in chief and
then leave. CIA operative who spent more then prime minister. Throughout
Cash, Johnny (b. Feb. 26, 1932 than 50 years gathering valuable in- his rise to power, Castro continually
d. Sept. 12, 2003), name that, in 98 telligence from the highest levels of relayed top-secret information to
percent of instances, is spoken im- the government of communist his superiors at CIA headquarters,
mediately after the sentence Im Cuba. Considered the most tal- and undermined the Cuban gov-
not a big country fan, but I like ented and dedicated agent ever to ernment by fomenting corruption
some stuff. conduct espionage on behalf of the among officials and installing a se-
Casino, establishment providing United States, Castro was first in- ries of economic controls that have
world-class accommodations, fine serted into Cuba in 1953, when he hampered the countrys growth for
dining, and live entertainment, as decades. Still, Castros mystique
well as some games in the lobby only grew, thanks in large part to
area. Many casinos feature luxury manufactured confrontations with
spa facilities and upscale nightclubs the United States in which fellow
in addition to a few small card tables operatives made hundreds of bogus CASINO
where visitors can pass a few min- assassination attempts and even Patrons kill some time between
shopping, seeing live shows, and
utes in between activities. Some ca- staged the elaborately inept Bay of dining at one of the casinos many
sino visitors return day after day to infiltrated the group of Cuban revo- Pigs invasion, a brilliant maneuver five-star restaurants.
take advantage of the unique shop- lutionaries plotting to overthrow on the part of President John F.
ping experiences that cannot be U.S.-backed president Fulgencio Kennedy that cemented Castros
found anywhere else. Batista. Although Castros sabotage status as an anti-imperialist hero
Cassette Player, once-popular por- efforts failed to prevent Batistas re- above suspicion. Castro was deacti-
table music device that is now only moval from power, his cover re- vated by the CIA in 2008, but he
used by middle-aged women at bus mained intactso much so that the remains a revered figure in Cuba
stops with orthopedic shoes and a charismatic American spy, whose and will emerge from time to time
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C Cat Person to Coco Chanel

to attend a special event or photo- 1980, ask Lennon to sign a copy of entry.
graph a classified document. his solo album Double Fantasy as Celebrity, person who is just better
Cat Person, half-feline, half-Homo- hes leaving the building, and, upon at being famous than normal peo-
sapiens creature that roams the his return home a few hours later, ple. Because celebrities simply have
streets late at night in search of a 24- shoot the former Beatles frontman a knack for shining in the public
hour veterinarian and a nice, quiet with four hollow-point rounds eye, they are way more recognizable
place to get a cup of coffee. from a .38 revolver. Hailed as a mas- than regular folks, who just arent as
THE CATCHER
IN THE RYE Catcher In The Rye, The, 1951 terpiece of modern instructional good at posing for cameras, appear-
On page 114 of J.D. Salingers most manual written by American novel- literature, The Catcher In The Rye ing on talk shows, and being inter-
famous work, protagonist Holden
Caulfield sneaks into his sisters ist J.D. Salinger that provides clear, contains eminently decipherable viewed by magazines. Celebrities
room and tells her what time John step-by-step instructions on how to references to phonies and relat- also warrant more attention be-
Lennon typically comes home to his
apartment after a recording
murder musician John Lennon. able themes of alienation that have cause they are better than normal
session. Through its iconic teenage antihero ensured it remains the quintessen- people at being rich.
Holden Caulfield, the book em- tial how-to publication in terms of Cell Phone, mobile device and cul-
ploys easy-to-understand meta- murdering the writer of the song tural signifier, the possession of
phors about the impossibility of Imagine. which made one a dickhead up un-
preserving innocence that direct Catherine The Great (b. May 2, til 1998, and the lack of which made
readers to stand outside the Dakota 1729 d. Nov. 17, 1796), she died of a one a dickhead after 2004.
Hotel in New York City on Dec. 8, stroke. Now move on to the next Central Park, 843 vast acres of

CARDIOPULMONARY RESUSCITATION (CPR), emergency procedure performed to

restore breathing and circulatory functions in a victim suffering cardiac arrest.

THE 6 STEPS OF CPR

STEP 1 STEP 2 STEP 3

Clear victims airways by removing Prevent dehydration by Break the sternum and ribs to
the tongue and teeth, and smashing forcefully spitting into victims provide ample room for the heart
off the jaw with a rock or cinder mouth. and lungs to function properly.
block.

STEP 4 STEP 5 STEP 6

Victims throat must be punctured Lop off victims arms and To prevent the victim from going into
several times with sharp screwdriver legs with a hacksaw. shock, knock him unconscious with a
in order to facilitate airflow. baseball bat.

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E C

CELL, revolting, pathetic sack containing the filth of life. An average cell consists of a sickening central
blob known as a nucleus, which houses a nauseating lump of genetic slop and is surrounded by equally
disgusting specialized structures such as mitochondria and some other junk thats probably as depressing
as it is vomit-inducing. While both plant and animal cells are equally repulsive and contemptible, plant
cells are larger and have a hard cell wall. Blech.
Cytoplasm
What squirts everywhere if
Nucleus you step on a cell
Where the parts of the cell
go to regroup and talk about
how they could have better
handled that virus last week Cell Membrane
Keeps mitochondria from
leaving and starting their
own cells somewhere else Chainsaw, portable mechanical
saw that doesnt fit into your
Endoplasmic briefcase, so youll just have to get
Reticulum to work early that day and put it
Victor and last Centriole under your desk before your
surviving organelle Cylindrical organelle containing coworkers arrive. And then at
of 1649s Great 1.5 atoms of cyanide in case
Reticulum War
3 p.m., it begins.
the cell is captured before it
can divide

feeling-like-this-looked-a-lot-bet- appearance into the Orb, has at the stifle their concern so as not to
ter-in-the-movies. time of this books printing been alarm their students, who grew in-
Centrifugal Force, outward-push- unable to speak with government or creasingly confused and concerned
ing force experienced during circu- medical officials, as he communi- as debris and fingers of smoke fell
lar motion; often referred to as a cates only in an indecipherable back to Earth. By the time Mission
fictitious force because everything language unknown to modern Control announced the major mal-
is an illusion, and were all just in linguists. He is currently being held function, second-grade teachers
some guys dream. for interrogation at the headquar- from coast to coast had already
Cereal, only thing your foreign ex- ters of a major scientific research jogged to the front of the room,
change student seems to eat. group in the Seychelles. clicked off CNN, and said, All
Cert, Michael (b. Sept. 18, 1978), Challenger Disaster, explosion of righty, lets do some math now,
former U.S. Coast the space shuttle Challenger on Jan. handing out work sheets as fast as
Guard officer 28, 1986, an event many humanly possible while pretending
who, in October second-grade teachers regard as the not to hear their students ask,
2012, walked di- most uncomfortable day of their What happened? Are the astro-
rectly into the professional lives. As thousands of nauts okay? The Challenger disas-
Orb as it hovered second-grade teachers watched that ter, which led to a temporary
over a patrol boat 80 miles off the morning on a television specially suspension of the shuttle program,
coast of the Seychelles. Ignoring the wheeled into the classroom for the also had stunned second-grade
commands of superior officers, occasion, the shuttle broke apart 73 teachers hoping to God the princi-
Cert slowly approached and then seconds after liftoff, killing all seven pal would send students home ear-
disappeared into the mysterious crew members, including social ly, because they could not bear the CHALLENGER
DISASTER
glowing ball of energy at approxi- studies teacher Christa McAuliffe, thought of discussing this unbear-
This terrifying 1986 explosion is why
mately 11:46 a.m. SCT, emerging whom students were particularly able tragedy with a group of 7-year- no second-grade teachers wheeled
naked exactly 5.75 seconds later excited to see blast off into space. olds who were sitting silently at a television set into class during the
1988 launch of the Space Shuttle
and having aged what medical pro- Caused by a rupture in the seal of a their little desks with the rockets Discovery.
fessionals estimated to be between solid-rocket booster, the explosion they had built out of paper towel
17 and 21 years. Cert, who appears filled TV screens with a violent fire- tubes the day before.
to have no recollection of any ball, causing the nations second- Chanel, Coco (b. Aug. 19, 1883
events or memories prior to his dis- grade teachers to gasp, but quickly d. Jan. 10, 1971), pioneering French
35

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C

Chemistry COMMON LAB EQUIPMENT

Science of mixing the earths elements FLORENCE FLASK
together in glass containers and heating them Primary goal of a chemist
in order to produce bubbles. Different from is to create one large
bubble that fits perfectly
physics, which takes a more general and
inside the circular,
fundamental approach to natural science in bottom portion of the
that it primarily ignores bubble and steam BEAKER
A bubble- flask, and keep it
production, chemistry homes in on the exact unpopped for upwards
containing
number of elements used, the specific size of of 20 seconds
implement
the bubbles they create, and the bubbling
sounds they emit. In chemistry, the bigger the
bubbles and the louder they pop, the more
proficient the chemistry. However, smaller,
rapidly popping bubbles, as well as the
amount of frothing, fizzing, and wafting that
occurs during chemistry, is integral to the
science. There are four specific disciplines
within the field: inorganic chemistry, or the
study of how food dyes can create different- BUNSEN MORTAR AND PESTLE
colored bubbles; organic chemistry, which is BURNER
Used to grind up bubbles into
the study and creation of natural, clear, or Known in
chemistry as the smaller bubbles
plain-colored bubbles; physical chemistry, in
engine of bubble
which laboratory technicians analyze how production
bubbles change over time; and biochemistry,
which focuses primarily on why bubbles
dont reform and float back into the air after
theyve touched the ground. Chemistry is
performed by people called chemists, who
are constantly trying to further their
knowledge of the field by producing the
biggest bubble possible. Chemists wear
goggles for this.

SEPARATORY
FUNNEL
Never used once by a
single chemist ever
FUNNEL
Used for bubble
transport

VOLUMETRIC
PIPETTE
Fun to say, but use
unknown

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E C

MOLECULES: THE WOODEN STICKS

AND COLORED BALLS OF LIFE
A group of red, yellow, blue, black or white balls held together by wooden sticks, a
molecule is an electrically neutral particle constructed by chemists. Some important
molecules in chemistry include a white ball and a red ball held together by a wooden
stick, three yellow balls and two blue balls held together by multiple wooden sticks,
and 10 balls of each color stretched out in a line across the floor, all of which are held
together by wooden sticks.

THE PERIODIC TABLE

Atomic Number
The number of
argons in one
argon

Name
Last name of the
element; in this
case, Dennis
Argon

Atomic Weight
Symbol
Numbers that have to be
Ar, the only symbol
balanced carefully throughout
chemists could agree on out
the periodic table or the chart
of An, Rg, Agn, and Gn
will tilt to one side

THE HISTORY OF
CHEMISTRY The Chemical Brothers Waiter Greg Teeters
release their second album, successfully mixes saliva with
Democritus coins the Dig Your Own Hole coffee to create a feeling of
term atom and satisfaction after being
posits that all matter Swedish chemist Pretty lousy year, ridden all night by that bitch
exists in the form of Alfred Nobel wins chemistry-wise at table 12
particles, which, for his 35th consecutive
456 bc, isnt bad Nobel Prize in
Chemistry MGM studio executives
Kyle pulls the attempt to combine
Daniel While Marie Curie and Pierre actors Richard Gere and
Rutherford Curie are pleased to discover emergency shower to
see if it really shoots Winona Ryder to form a
discovers radium, they will ultimately unique on-screen
nitrogen, and regret taking off all their out water at 20 gallons
Hydrogen per minute and wont chemistry in the
just like that, clothes, rolling around in it, combines with romantic drama Autumn
folks, we have and eating giant globs of it for stop until the tank is
oxygen for the empty. It does. In New York, but the
nitrogen breakfast, lunch, and dinner first time results prove disastrous

456 BC 1754 1895 1898 1924 1974 1992 1997 1998 2000

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C Charlie Chaplin to Chivalry

CHESS, board game that has evolved A Classic Chess Opening

into a nuanced, cerebral battle of strategy
and wit, though it was designed to be
played by mashing pieces together and
making loud explosion noises. While
modern chess comprises highly compli-
cated tactics and styles that take years to
master, the original instructions held that
any piece could be moved in any direction
at any time, and that play could be put on
hold indefinitely to make the king and
queen pieces kiss, or to make the knight,
then known as the horsey, gallop around
the board in circles while the player made
clip-clop noises. In addition, ancient chess
players were not required to reach a
verifiable checkmate point as they are
today, and would instead conclude a game
by suddenly rising and flipping the board
into the air, scattering pieces in all
Castle Hassle, or Super Siege Squared
directions. Traditional chess moves and
Both rooks hover 8 inches above the board and quickly move to
techniques have occasionally been utilized the center, where they sit for several seconds, fire warning shots
in modern play, most notably during a to blow up the bishops, and then descend to the playing surface,
1997 match in which grand master Garry where they crisscross and wipe out all the pawns, circle back
Kasparov finally beat IBMs Deep Blue around, and eliminate both knights and rooks.
computer by deploying the classic gambit
Defense
of throwing a tantrum and repeatedly Cover eyes, ears, and make loud la-la-la noises.
slapping and kicking his opponent.

fashion designer and feminist icon of balance. Chaplin was a successful minding their own business while
known for her forward-thinking, artist even though he tripped, stum- agreeing to disagree on the religion
independent lifestyle and for creat- bled, and fell through many scenes issue. Charlemagne ruled from 768
ing a couture empire beloved by in his films due to his crippling con- to 814, during which time his forces
wealthy kept women who have dition. His work influenced many launched numerous campaigns to
never worked a day in their lives. At other actors with physical impair- spread Christianity by the cross or
a time when the fashion world was ments, including silent-film con- by the sword or by not forcing our
dominated by men, Chanels un- temporary Buster Keaton, who suf- beliefs on others and letting them
orthodox designs and bohemian fered from severe facial paralysis as do their own thing. Over the
way of life challenged societys ideas a result of a childhood bout of scar- course of his reign, Charlemagne
about gender roles, and she capital- let fever. committed genocide against groups
ized on her self-imposed freedom Charlemagne (b. Apr. 2, 742 d. Jan. as varied as the Lombards, the
by creating a fashion line that is still 28, 814), Frank- Danes, the Moors, and the Basques,
to this day beloved by rich house- ish king and em- but if a population refused both
wives who adhere rigidly to the sta- peror of the conversion and being wiped out by
tus quo. Romans who his superior military, Charlemagne
CHARLIE CHAPLIN Chaplin, Charlie (b. Apr. 16, 1889 conquered much simply withdrew, made clear that
Chaplin with the cane that stabilized
him just enough to stay upright a
d. Dec. 25, 1977), British actor and of modern-day there were no hard feelings, and
few seconds. director of the silent-film era who Europe by forcing millions to agreed that it was not his place to
starred in hundreds of movies de- choose one of three options: con- tell people how to live their lives.
spite a debilitating inner-ear infec- vert to Christianity, be slaughtered Chvez, Csar (b. Mar. 31, 1927
tion that severely impaired his sense indiscriminately, or just go on d. Apr. 23, 1993), American civil

38

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E C

rights activist and labor organizer with sufficient dominion over the Chicago El Train, source of future
who greatly improved the rights of lowly, horrid masses to keep them headline 231 Dead In CTA Station
farm workers and grapes. Chvez in their goddamn place. Collapse.
founded the United Farm Workers Cheney, Dick (b. Jan. 30, 1941), for- Chicken Pox, harmless childhood
of America in 1962 and got thou- mer vice president of the United disease that, when contracted by
sands of laborers to march side by States and one of people over age 18, violently kills
side with grapes to agitate for the few people in them within 48 hours by making
higher wages, unemployment the world ever to them shit out their entire nervous
insurance, and safer growing condi- see all his hopes system in an agonizing cascade of
tions. Chvez, who inspired genera- and dreams come blood and fecal matter.
tions of grape activists, was also an true. With an ex- Children International, nonprofit
advocate for the rights of lettuce, tensive rsum of lifelong goals organization whose street volun-
oranges, and corn. achieved, including serving as the teers collect more than 15 million
Checks And Balances, system White House Chief of Staff, being moments of innocent peoples time
through which the three branches elected to the House of Representa- per year. While the group accumu-
of the U.S. government ensure the tives, holding office as Secretary of lates, on average, 900,000 minutes
American people never become too Defense, chairing a Fortune 500 from tourists and 1.4 million from
powerful. According to the U.S. company, and marrying his high the unemployed, the vast majority
Constitution, the legislative, execu- school sweetheart, Dick Cheney is of collected time comes from pe- CSAR CHVEZ
tive, and judicial branches possess one of 10 or 12 human beings in the destrians who accidentally make Most grapes credit Chvez with
helping them get a 40-hour ripening
explicit authoritiesmaking laws, history of civilization to ever have eye contact with a volunteer and week.
enacting regulations, and meting all his greatest wishes fulfilled, and feel obligated to give a minute tops
out punishments, respectively fulfilled resoundingly. Indeed, mil- or however long it takes to just sign
that allow them to work together to lions of people across the world the goddamn petition already be-
curtail citizens influence over their strive their whole lives to make even cause its getting late and they had
own governance and to prevent one of their dream come true, and to be at work five minutes ago. The
them from getting out of line or ultimately fail to do so, but organization has hoarded an esti-
overconfident. As James Madison, Cheneythe man who systemati- mated 12 billion free moments
known as the Father of the Consti- cally rolled back domestic civil lib- since its founding in 1936, but it es-
tution, wrote in 1794, the govern- erties, relaxed the definition of tor- timates that it loses 3 trillion mo-
ments checks and balances were ture, involved the United States in ments annually due to people who
a necessary reaction against the an inescapable Middle Eastern say they cant right now and then
Enlightenment-era ideals of popu- quagmire, and personally profited renege on their promise to stop on
lar sovereignty, and were meant to from that regions rich oil fields their way back.
empower the federal government got everything he ever wanted. Chinatown, masterpiece of Ameri-
can cinema released in 1974 where
CITIES OF THE WORLD at the end it turns out that John
Chicago Huston was fucking his daughter.
Chinese Food, popular type of
American city universally
acclaimed as perfectly fine. American cuisine.
Chi, energy force in traditional
Incorporated in 1837 on the Chin-Up Bar, horizontal metal rod
Chinese philosophy that flows
banks of Lake Michigan, installed at the top of a bedroom through the body and, with
Chicago is lauded world- door frame that signals the rite of decades of intense training, can be
wide for being a decent- controlled enough to warm up a
passage from 13-year-old boy to
looking place with nice Yup, there it is. Chicago. cup of liquid in ones hands.
architecture. Chicago boasts 14-year-old boy.
several good sports teams, has a lot of better-than-average food to Chivalry, medieval system of moral,
eat, and is regarded by its 3 million residents as a reasonably okay religious, and social codes govern-
place to live for a year or so before moving to New York. ing knightly behavior developed
because it was the only way to get
39

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C Seung-Hui Cho to Cigarette

CHRISTIANITY, regard as sacrosanct and that, Christian Relics

monotheistic religion when sporadically adhered to, Holy Nails: Venerated set of three nails that
were said to have held Jesus Christ to the
occasionally rooted in the demonstrate the path to a cross, plus two backup nails in case one got
teachings of Jesus Christ, righteous life. The worlds 2.2 bent hitting a bone
whom Christians regard as billion Christians consider
Crown Of Thorns: Crown made of thorns
the son of God and a Jesus a messianic figure who that Roman soldiers placed on Jesus head to
sometimes-convenient model will deliver to heaven all who mock him quite effectively
for their own values and conduct themselves as he did
Holy Chalice: Gross Styrofoam cup that
behavior. Christ promulgated when the mood strikes them Jesus always used to drink his coffee out of
charity, humility, nonvio- and if they have the time. and that he never threw away or cleaned out
lence, and other virtues that While Christianity is divided
Pope John Paul IIs Left Arm: Blessed limb
Christians once in a while among the Roman Catholic of the late Holy Father that was snagged by
Church, the cardinals who wanted to fill up shelf space in
Eastern the Vaticans new display case
Orthodox Saint Peters Jizz Rag: Holy cloth used by
Church, and Peter to wipe away puddles of spoo that
various formed on his stomach after ejaculating
Protestant Christian Rites
groups, each of Communion: Rite used to weed out weirdo
these branches Christians who get way too into idea of
consuming the flesh of Jesus Christ
shares the belief
that salvation is Last Rites: Very last prayers administered to
available to all Christians before death, which were given to
Timothy McVeigh prior to his execution, so
who follow in hes happy and in heaven now
Jesus footsteps,
but who also Confirmation: Christian rite of initiation in
which potential members have to perform a
realize that drive-by shooting and rape at least three
sometimes thats members of another religion
just not very
Anointing Of Sick: Rite that involves
expedient. applying blessed oil to sick members of the
church to grease them up and help them
slide easily into death

into Lady Everildas pants. A chival- much guaranteed to get Lady Ever- about Frdric Chopin.
rous man needed to express the ilda totally wet. Just sopping. Christening, baptismal nicknaming
qualities of courtesy, generosity, Cho, Seung-Hui (b. Jan. 18, 1984 ceremony in which an infant re-
valor, and dexterity in arms if he d. Apr. 16, 2007), undergraduate ceives a moniker such as Blade,
wanted to have any chance of scor- student at Virginia Tech University Crusher, Nuke, Rhino, Tur-
ing with the normally prudish Lady who you completely forgot about bo, Beast, T-Bone, Blunt,
CHIVALRY
Everilda. The term chivalry traces even though he was responsible for Thugg, The Hammer, Glokk,
Knights strictly followed the its origins to the medieval Latin the deadliest shooting by a single Skuz, Reaper, Hooch, Diesel,
chivalric code in order to get Lady caballrius, meaning horseman, gunman in American history. On or Spaz.
Everilda slipping and sliding in her
own juices. and is so named for the mounted April 16, 2007, which is not that Christmas, Christian holiday cele-
knights whom Everilda was all too long ago at all, Cho murdered 32 brating the birth of Jesus Christ that
happy to let mount her all night people including 26 students and a is widely considered the worst pos-
longand slap her bountiful ass, Holocaust survivor, before turning sible time for a husband and father
tooas long as they bowed slightly the gun on himself. Furthermore, of four to reveal an ongoing extra-
or kissed her hand. Deeds such as you probably dont even remember marital affair to his family. Christ-
holding open doors and draping who Nidal Hasan is either, which is mas was first observed in Rome in
ones coat over a ladys shoulders odd, because he killed 13 soldiers at ad 354, and includes such tradi-
became hallmarks of modern chiv- Fort Hood in 2009. tions as exchanging gifts, decorat-
alry, gestures that hearken back to a Chopin, Frdric, for information ing a Christmas tree, and eating a
time when such things were pretty on this figure, please go buy a book family dinner, which is the most ter-
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E C

rible moment of the holiday for a Church, building where Christians uses its undisclosed budgetary re- DISCOVERED HIMSELF
BETWEEN TERMS
father to interrupt the festivities by go each Sunday to give God an- sources to find out what people are Grover Cleveland
saying, I have something I need to other shot. saying about the CIA at any given (b. Mar. 18,
tell everyone, and then proceed to Churchill, Winston (b. Nov. 30, time. 1837 d. June
inform his shocked wife and crying 1874 d. Jan. 24, 1965), smallish Cigarette, tobacco-filled paper 24, 1908),
children that he will be leaving talking man deployed by Great Brit- tube used for smoking that is con- 22nd and 24th
them because he has been seeing ain during the Second World War sidered to be a gateway to even president of
the United
another woman, who is pregnant. to talk at the British people. During more dangerous carcinogens.
States and the only one ever
The absolute worst occasion for a a period of great turmoil, the little Smokers quickly develop a toler- to serve nonconsecutive
dad to flatly inform his loved ones talking person was periodically put ance to the acetaldehyde and hydra- terms, between which he
that he hasnt been happy for years in front of microphones or in the zine found in cigarettes and begin decided to explore his lifelong
and that Stephanie makes him feel middle of Parliament to chomp on a craving more intense cancer- interest in acupuncture.
alive, Christmas gradually incorpo- cigar and talk for a period of time to causing agents such as radon, vinyl Following an exhausting first
term in which he vetoed
rated several pagan winter festivals, the British Empire and make it feel chloride, and beryllium. When
hundreds of bills, Cleveland
including Saturnalia, and various better, after which he would be these chemicals no longer satisfy set aside a maximum of four
ancient Germanic feasts, and is an placed in storage until another trau- them, addicts will seek their fix by years to try his hand at
even worse time than Thanksgiving matic event happened and he was breaking apart old floor tiles to re- traditional Chinese healing,
for a father to say that he will be needed for more talking. The suc- lease the asbestos contained within, reasoning that if it turned out
moving out the next day because he cessful deployment of the tiny, or by welding stainless steel to pro- not to be his thing, he could
always return to his prior job
and Stephanie have signed a lease bowler-hatted talking man is now duce carcinogenic nickel and chro-
as head of state. After earning
on a new apartment, and that yes, seen as having been crucial in Great mium fumes. Statistics suggest high marks in his mail-order
the Stephanie hes talking about is Britain defeating Nazi Germany people who begin smoking ciga- correspondence course, the
moms friend Stephanie, the much- and its own little talking man. rettes as teenagers are five times former New York governor
beloved adoptive aunt to his four CIA, intelligence-gathering unit of more likely to develop an addiction slowly began acquiring clients
young children. the United States government that to lead and 10 times more likely to through word of mouth and
started to think he might
actually be able to make a go
of acupuncture professionally.
CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT, global Key Figures From The But in 1892, with a flagging
campaign aimed at getting human beings to Civil Rights Movement schedule of appointments
treat people like human beings. The unprec- Martin Luther King, Jr. and mounting personal debt,
edented movement, which reached its peak in Spiritual and organizational leader who was Cleveland reluctantly
the 1950s and 1960s, primarily used civil assassinated for his extremely controversial returned to public service,
resistance to promote its extremely dangerous belief that you shouldnt treat people like shit successfully running on a
and radical idea that a person should respect all the time. platform to reduce protec-
another person because he or she is a person. tionist tariffs with friend and
Those agitating for civil rights were met with Medgar Evers local Reiki practitioner Adlai
animosity, aggression, and even violence from Activist who was shot and E. Stevenson.
individuals who could not accept the idea that killed for publicly claiming
people should be treated like people, and who that all human beings were
for generations had believed that treating human beings.
humans as subhuman or inhuman was the Thomas Robb
correct way to treat humans. Because the Ku Klux Klan leader,
fundamental concept of treating people like anti-Semite, and extremist who doesnt think
people was deemed too progressive, the people should be treated like people and is
humans who wanted to be considered human currently alive and well and residing with his wife
were often beaten, sprayed with fire hoses, or in Boone County,
even killed. Due to the large numbers of people Arkansas. He has several
around the world who still believe that people grandchildren, still
should not have to treat other people like preaches at his local
people, the civil rights movement can only be church, and plays golf
considered a failure. often.

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C Cinderella to Columbine Shooting

INSPIRED REPUBLICANS TO compulsively expose themselves to

BE FAIR AND HONORABLE
gamma rays. COAL, compressed remains of perished coal miners whose bodies
Bill Clinton decompose over thousands of years.
(b. Aug. 19, Cinderella, animated 1950 Disney
1946), 42nd film responsible for making people
president of secretly wonder how they would re-
the United act if, at some point in their life, an
States, whose
animal they were looking at sud-
popular
appeal nearly denly stood up on its hind legs and
provoked House Republicans began to sing a song. Revered by
to impeach him for conduct many as a charming childrens clas-
in his personal life, an sic, Cinderella also has to make one
unprecedented move that think, if, say, a friends cat, for in-
would have made a mockery
stance, abruptly jumped up, made
of the U.S. Constitution and
was therefore quickly direct eye contact, smiled, and
dismissed as a laughable started singing a song in a melliflu-
waste of time. Clinton, a ous human voice, what would one
self-described New Democrat do? Scream? Vomit? Just stand
whose centrist policies and there, paralyzed with shock and Formation Of Coal
ability to empathize endeared STEP 1 STEP 2 STEP 3
fear, unable to speak? Those watch-
him to voters across the Miners die from lack Dead miner material is Further compression
political spectrum, would ing the beloved, Oscar-nominated compressed between compacts whats left of
of oxygen, and their
have been only the second film eventually conclude they bodies gradually decay sedimentary layers, and the miners corpses
president to face impeach- would either have to kill the cat, kill and form organic the combination of time into coal deposits.
ment, a drastic measure that themselves, or be committed to a debris. and heat transforms
Republican leaders immedi- their bodies into lignite.
psychiatric hospital.
ately dropped as an absurd
Circus At The End Of The World,
act, given the lofty constitu-
The, 1953 novel by minor Beat any of his fathers work. committed suicide years before he
tional standard for impeach-
ment of high crimes and writer Anders van Braak II that tells Civilization, complex human soci- could have performed on stage with
misdemeanors. They were the partly autobiographical tale of ety that has advanced to the point Eddie Vedder, Scott Weiland, and
also self-aware enough to an itinerant young poet and his of establishing dysfunctional politi- Ne-Yo at the 2017 Super Bowl.
realize their own marital brief love affair with an alcoholic cal structures, unfair social hierar- Coca-Cola, big company that
infidelities would have tainted
paper mill heiress in a cabin in chies, and economic systems that makes babys little sugar juice,
the already dubious legal
proceedings with rank Maines Great North Woods. Van clearly do not work. A civilization is which he drinks out of a widdle
hypocrisy. These consider- Braak II, son of noted scientist An- often characterized by its shoddy bottle when he gets thirsty at worky.
ations, as well as Republicans ders van Braak, wrote his obscure public education and its decrepit The nummy juice, which helps
shared revulsion at the masterpiece after a falling-out with mass transit. In some fields of mod- keep baby awake so he doesnt go
thought of tying up two his father led him to abandon a ern scholarship, the term is associ- sleepy-bye night night at his desk,
branches of government for
promising career as a research sci- ated with culture, which refers to also comes in a diet version so baby
months and diverting
millions of taxpayer dollars to entist and devote his life to experi- the unreadable literature, over- doesnt get too roly-poly in his tum
a trial the public would mental prose and a self-invented life wrought paintings, and mindless, tum. The big company that makes
quickly unmask as a politi- philosophy he called Braakian Sub- lowest-common-denominator mu- babys little sugar juice is one of the
cally motivated ploy, jectivism. The book sold poorly sic that together make up the arts. most successful corporate brands in
prompted House leaders to upon its release, causing van Braak Coat Of Arms, unique heraldic de- the world, along with Mars Inc.,
simply allow Americans to
II to fall into alcoholism and drug sign that knights would wear pinned which makes babys widdle yum
assess Clintons personal
indiscretions for themselves. abuse, eventually resulting in the to their armor so a grown-up could yum snacks that he eats when he
This noble gesture of restraint dissolution of his marriage and his help them get home if they ever got wants a widdle shoogy-woogy treat
continues to inform the early death in 1965. Van Braak IIs lost on the battlefield. after wunch.
conduct of Republicans to estranged son, Anders van Braak Cobain, Kurt (b. Feb. 20, 1967 Cocaine, stimulant drug derived
this day. III, is a prominent research scientist d. Apr. 5, 1994), musician and icon from the leaves of the coca plant
and has forbidden the reprinting of of the grunge genre who tragically that can be consumed via smoking,
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E C

injection, or nasal insufflation, and hour in the minds of every person and academic study was known for
provides the user with a mediocre, on the planet. Over a period of sev- throwing the most epic, out-of-
short-lived high far inferior to that eral decades, escalating friction be- control ragers on campus, and
of methamphetamine. Cocaine of- tween the United States and the would shotgun just about anything.
ten comes in white powdered form USSR led to a significant buildup of Attended by nearly 13 million stu-
and, in addition to being more ex- nuclear arms and military infra- dents across the United States each
pensive and less potent than meth- structure across the globe, eventu- year, college was a real animal back
amphetamine, is looked down ally resulting in the cities of Mos- then, regularly putting on its Bos-
upon by people who are really seri- cow, New York, Los Angeles, ton Bruins jersey, grabbing a
ous about partying. The narcotic is Leningrad, Berlin, Wichita, Seoul, hockey stick, and waking up every-
produced primarily in Latin Amer- Havana, Warsaw, and Sandusky, body on its floor at 4 a.m. while
ica and smuggled abroad after being Ohio, being obliterated in an in- serving as a bastion of knowledge
mixed with God knows what, while stant, thousands and thousands of intended to foster intellectual curi-
methamphetamine is made domes- times over, in the everyday thoughts osity among its students and facul-
tically and is much safer, especially of those cities residents. The Cold ty. College primarily provides a
when purchased from someone you War reached its peak on Oct. 23, liberal arts education at the under- Citizen Kane, brilliant,
can trust, someone who is just a 1964, when every field, mountain, graduate level and got pretty heavy groundbreaking work of artistic
phone call away, day or night valley, city, home, and family in the into drugs at one point, almost genius that has unfortunately
been completely invalidated
someone, come to think of it, who United States was enveloped in a dropping out and moving to Mon-
because the man who made it
can probably also get you some hellish maelstrom of fire, ash, and tana during its junior year. How- later gained weight.
coke, if thats really what you want. blinding white nothingness in the ever, college got its act together,
(323) 914-0987. imagination of 10-year-old Bobby graduated, moved back home to fig-
Coffee, another thing someone can Huntsman as he lay awake in bed. ure some shit out, is a multibillion-
act like a complete queer about. College, public or private two- to dollar-a-year business, and eventu-
Cold War (19461991), state of four-year institution of higher learn- ally went back to get its masters in
military and political tension be- ing that used to be pretty wild back creative writing.
tween the Soviet Union and the in college. Though it hasnt woken Color, property of light reflected,
United States in which all of hu- up face down in a toilet in years, the absorbed, or emitted by an object,
manity was wiped out five times per multidisciplinary center of research resulting in a dazzling visible spec-
trum and a real fuck-you to the
PREVENTED A ROARING history. In 1928, as America blind. Various wavelengths of light
THIRTIES stimulate the three different types
continued enjoying the fruits of
Calvin Coolidge the Roaring Twenties, Coolidge of cone cells in the retina, shitting
(b. July 4, 1872 reassured citizens that his careful all over the blind and vehemently
d. Jan. 5, 1933), stewardship of the economy
urging them to suck a big one as it
30th president would plunge them into a
desperate squalor where produces the visual perception of Clown Fish, tropical fish that
of the United
red, yellow, green, blue, indigo, or enjoys a relationship of symbiotic
States, whose millions of Americans will soon
mutualism with sea anemones
shrewd and be scavenging for scraps of food violet. Providing a stunningly beau-
wherein the clown fish will
meticulous like wild animals. Though out of tiful rainbow of hues, shades, tints, defend and clean a host anemone,
planning and political foresight office by the time the stock and values to individuals blessed which, in exchange, will
helped guide the United States market finally crashed on Oct. repeatedly sting the masochistic
with sight, color cruelly holds up a
into the Great Depression. 29, 1929, Coolidge is nonethe- clown fish, giving it the constant
less credited with bravely middle finger just inches from the pain it needs to get off.
Coolidges bold economic vision
of reckless investment and wild steering the nation out of an faces of the blind without them
speculation on Wall Street laid extended period of prosperity even realizing what is happening as
the groundwork for a ruinous and firmly setting it on course for they shuffle around in a cold
stock market collapse that the economic catastrophe, and for darkness.
president promised would bring inspiring the policies of such
Columbine Shooting, horrific 1999
about the worst, most devastat- future presidents as Ronald
Reagan and George W. Bush. high school shooting that is consid-
ing economic crisis in U.S.
ered the fourth-worst tragedy in
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C Christopher Columbus to Congress

U.S. public school history, three untold numbers of Native Ameri- has been in the family for five
places behind the 2001 No Child cans when he had intended to do generations.
Left Behind Act. Although the mur- those things to the peoples of India. Combustion, process by which oxy-
der of 12 students and one teacher Through a combination of geo- gen catalyzes with chemical bonds
by students Eric Harris and Dylan graphical and navigational errors, in your wife and her lover while
Klebold was a shocking catastrophe Columbus mistakenly landed on they sleep, creating energy in the
for the small Colorado community what is now South America and the form of heat and carbon dioxide.
and the nation as a whole, the en- Caribbean islands, where he un- Communism, political ideology es-
actment of the federal No Child leashed a bloody, centuries-long pousing social revolution to install a
Left Behind law during the George genocide against the indigenous system in which all property is
W. Bush administration was a trag- tribes of the Western Hemisphere publicly owned, each person works
edy of cataclysmic proportions that instead of slaughtering and raping according to his abilities, and
devastated an entire generation of the various cultures of India and Chrysler does not hold its annual
pupils and teachers by ruthlessly plundering their wealth and natural year-end blowout, Chase does not
destroying the very foundations of resources. Though Columbus nev- offer a zero percent APR cash-back
public education. After a long pe- er set foot in India and had to settle rewards card, and Burger King does
riod of mourning, Columbine High for killing off nearly every Native not add the Spicy Chickn Crisp
School gradually returned to nor- American person he came into con- sandwich to its value menu. In a
malcy, until the day when it, like tact with instead, he did set the communist nation, all businesses
every school in the nation, was rav- stage for the golden age of colonial- and social programs are controlled
aged by a disastrous policy that ism, and his dream of looting India by the state, and wealth is redistrib-
used standardized tests to measure and decimating its people through uted evenly among the populace, a
CHRISTOPHER students worth rather than provide violence and disease was later real- methodology that precludes bar-
COLUMBUS an actual, well-rounded education. ized by the Dutch and the British. gain-basement prices on brand-new
Once Columbus realized he was
raping and pillaging Native
Columbus, Christopher (b. Oct. 31, Combine Harvester, piece of agri- Sealy, Serta, Simmons Beautyrest,
Americans instead of peoples from 1451 d. May 20, 1506), Italian ex- culture equipment primarily used or Stearns & Foster mattresses for
India, he thought about stopping,
but decided to continue because he
plorer who searched for an ocean as collateral for obtaining a loan to this weekend and this weekend
figured he would have to murder passage to Asia and inadvertently desperately hold on for another only. There are currently five coun-
innocent people in South America at
subjugated, enslaved, and murdered couple of months to the farm that tries with communist governments
some point, anyway.
(China, Vietnam, Laos, Cuba, and
COMMUNICATION, no one is certain why humans still North Korea) in which citizens are
attempt to communicate. completely unable to buy a Bowflex
Occasionally the message travels into for only four easy payments of
space, bounces off satellite, cascades back
down to the Earth, and burns up in $99.99 and, if theyre not stronger,
atmosphere before reaching the receiver leaner, and more energetic in 30
days, send it back for a full refund
but still keep the set of dumbbells as
MESSAGE
a free gift to them.
Rapidly ricochets Computer, little buddy who hangs
between foreheads of the
receiver and sender for out with a person while they work,
approximately 15 communicate with others, play
minutes
games, and watch videos. The pro-
grammable little friend, who can
SENDER RECEIVER
hang out in a persons home or tag
By wanting to say something, this Just waiting for the sender to along on road trips, is designed to
person is already the most shut up so he can be the sender
annoying component of the perform complex calculations and
model
FEEDBACK
keep a person company while
Typically ignored by the sender, who was going theyre filling out their monthly
to do whatever the hell he wanted anyway
budget spreadsheet or shopping on
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the Internet. Most of the little pals Since their invention in the 1940s, be there, always, whether you need
run on one of several major operat- computers have gotten consistently companionship or entertainment
ing systems and they dont even smaller and more powerful, mean- or just want to listen to some music
mind staying up for three or four ing that a bunch of the little guys are as you fall asleep at night, thinking
days in a row, or occasionally get- now tiny enough to fit right in about all the cool stuff you and your
ting crumbs in their keyboards. someones pocket, so theyll always computer bud will be able to do to-
gether in the morning.
Concentration Camp, work experi-
THE NIGHT SKY
ence left off many peoples rsums
in the 1940s and 1950s.
Concert, live music event that ev-
eryone in attendance secretly wants
to end soon.
The Cup
Concrete, building material that
The Dot
definitely didnt have nine dicks
carved in it when it was poured
yesterday.
The Line
Congress, national legislative body
of the U.S. government that had Conch Shell, wind instrument
such amazing potential, damn it. that, when blown into, causes the
Established by Article I of the Con- conch living inside to emit a
forlorn, trumpetlike howl.
stitution, Congress comprises the
Senate and the House of Represen-
tatives, an ingenious bicameral sys-
tem that seemed on paper like it was
CONSTELLATION, long before humans arrived on going to be something really
one of the perceived patterns earth. Native Americans, whose special, you know? Really, really
among the seven stars in the complex mythology revolved
special. With its exclusive ability to
night sky that resemble a cup, a heavily around the constella-
tions, believed that one day the collect taxes and declare war, not to
dot, and a line. Different
cultures have historically dot and the line would fall to mention curb the strength of the
created unique narratives Earth as a bow and arrow to be Executive Branch through its im-
around the constellations, used only by a warrior who was peachment powers, Congress
interpreting each shape as worthy enough. Before modern looked to all the world like it was
something familiar to them. For navigational tools, mariners
going to have an extraordinarily
example, the ancient Chinese used the constellations as a
guide across bodies of water, positive impact on the nation, but it
referred to the line as the stick
and viewed its appearance as a always knowing that if they justit just squandered it. God. So
sign of good luck, while the pointed their ships in the much promise frittered away, and
ancient Greeks saw the cup and direction of the cup, they would for what? Where did it all go wrong?
the dot as the bowl and the be going north. Likewise, by Was Congress just doomed from its
speck, which represented the charting the movement of the
founding in 1789 to suffer the pit-
duality between the earthly and dot over a period of weeks, a
sailor could determine what falls of human nature? Throughout
the divine. Early Egyptians
called the dot the Point and season it was. For observers in its history, Congress has passed bills
believed it to have descended the Southern Hemisphere, two such as the Clean Air Act, the G.I.
from the tip of the line that dots are sometimes visible Bill, and the Civil Rights Act of
broke off after colliding into the during the winter months, an 1964, tantalizing glimpses of its po-
cup. Ancient Persians saw the optical illusion that can be
tential that only make its perfor-
constellations similarly, but attributed to the curvature of
the Earth and refraction of light mance as a whole that much more
believed the dot had been
poured out of the cup in a time through the atmosphere. heartbreaking. Tears you up just
thinking about it. A majority of
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C

Criminal Justice
Governmental and social practices directed at upholding the law, deterring crimes, and
rehabilitation that just plain always works. Criminal justice involves penalizing those who
violate laws, a process successfully designed so that it never, ever punishes an innocent
person, nor displays any preference in regard to race or socioeconomic status. Addition- PROMINENT
ally, the criminal justice system has a 98.99 percent success rate in transforming sentenced COURT CASES
malefactors into productive, upstanding members of society. The institution of criminal Rodney King
justice is put into practice by dedicated professionals as unwavering in their morality as African-
American
they are in their unassailable integrity; this group includes legislators, police officers, man who
judges, lawyers, corrections officers, and parole officers, all of whom, down to the very last was
individual, are the most honest, hardworking, forthright people a society has to offer and convicted on
would never consider abusing the awesome power with which they have been entrusted. 78 counts of assaulting a
In its most extreme form, criminal justice can include capital punishment, the implemen- police officers billy club
with his head and body.
tation of which has proved to be an incredibly effective deterrent, always causing a
definitive decrease in the egregious crimes that call for this ultimate sentence. Casey Anthony
Defendant
Casey
Anthony
INSIDE THE COURTROOM was found
not guilty
after the jury ruled that
A 2-year-old Caylee
Anthony deserved to be
Jury Judge
Plaintiff murdered for ruining her
Body that is sworn to render a Official whose
Person who, having
searched his soul for any
verdict based on the evidence mind never fun-loving moms social
presented, a responsibility the wanders to life.
ulterior motive and
citizenry holds so sacred that golf or other
exhausted every
the waiting list to appear on a leisure-time O.J. Simpson
non-judicial remedy,
jury is years long activities Criminal
reluctantly brings a case Witness
against the defendant when a case Perfect trial that
is being eye-sight,
presented to captivated
Prosecutor photographic
Person who was not him or her memory, free
the
bullied as a child and of prejudice, American
doesnt need to prove and happy to public because each
themselves by breaking help citizen had also murdered
others down emotionally
their ex-spouse and
ex-spouses friend, and
was curious to see if they
would be found guilty or
innocent.
A
Lizzie Borden
This trial, in
which a New
England
B woman was
acquitted on
charges of butchering her
parents with an ax, is
proof that, at least in
.0001% of cases, the
criminal justice system
Media does fail somewhat.
So respectful are they of
B
the justice system, Defense Attorney Defendant
members of the media Actually doesnt need Despite there being no
strictly abide by an to show up for the trial record of anyone ever
unwritten rule to never because the having been wrongfully
exploit or overblow criminal Gallery
defendant, who is accused of a crime, a
cases, even if they are The families of the plaintiff
always honest, will defendant usually has so
especially lurid crimes or and the defendant sit
enter a plea of either much respect for the
involve celebrities together to show that even
guilty or not guilty, at history and rich tradition
if the two cant get along, at
which point the trial is of the criminal justice
least their families can put
basically over system that he or she
their differences aside and
submits to a trial rather
move on
than simply reporting
directly to jail

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modern Americans are sadly re- explicitly addressed in the hand- looking fin or larger-than-normal
signed to the fact that Congress will written 18th-century text. During mouth, or being from an unfamiliar
never amount to very much, and the 2012 case United States v. Jones, part of the Pacific Ocean. One-fifth
considering all it could have been, for instance, all the Supreme Court of the worlds coral reefs have disap-
well, its just a goddamn shame. justices needed to do to deliver peared, however, and there are now
Conservationism, social and philo- their final ruling was read the corol- fewer supportive habitats than ever
sophical movement based on the lary to the Fourth Amendment where a red snapper, grouper, or a
arrogant idea that people can com- penned by Alexander Hamilton, spotted trunkfish can hang out and
pletely destroy and then unilaterally who wrote, In a future instance just be fish.
save a 5 billion-year-old planet. The wherein a police force uses a Global Cordite, chemical mixture invented
incredibly egotistical notion that Positioning System (GPS) to track by detectives and military fiction
mankind could itself ruin a natural down a potential suspect, a warrant writers to describe the smell of a re-
world millions of millennia in the must be issued prior to the investi- cently fired gun.
Cone, one of these.
making and then somehow undo gation. However, if the suspects Corn, grain-based animal feed
the catastrophic damage traces its Facebook page clearly indicates un- systematically introduced into U.S.
origins all the way back to the In- lawful activity, the space-based nav- diets to fatten up Americans. An
dustrial Revolution and has grown igation system may be used without easy-to-consume source of filler,
rapidly since the 1970s. Today, con- the permission of a court. corn is an inexpensive way to im-
servationism is increasingly woven Cool, highly sought-after status of prove Americans tenderness, build
into the fabric of everyday life and is being that makes it nearly impossi- up bulk, and, because it contains
particularly evident in the self- ble to live ones life. the highest sugar content of all feed
important idea that a planet with a Coral Reef, vast underwater ridge sources, allow citizens to reach their
mass of 6 sextillion metric tons can where fish can socialize and be finishing weight more quickly. As
be brought to its knees and then themselves without having to wor- corn intake gradually increases,
somehow revived if everyone dis- ry about the daily pressures of the plumped-up Americans lose their
poses of their old batteries the right open sea. Formed by calcified living mobility and begin to form folds of
way. polyps in shallow areas of the ocean, fat around their backs, shoulders,
Constitution (U.S.), supreme law of coral reefs are among the most di- and ribs, visual indicators that the
the United States, adopted in 1787, verse ecosystems on earth, provid- domesticated citizens have reached
that never needs to be updated or their plumpest point.
reassessed because the nations Coronary Disease, leading cause of Confucius (b. Sept. 28, 551 bc
founders included clear instruc- death among men who have had a d. 479 bc), Chinese thinker
tions on what to do if homosexuals long day and just want to enjoy a and social philosopher who
believed government should
ever want to get married, how to nice cheeseburger every once in a
be free of bribery and
fairly regulate the Internet, and while without getting badgered coercion, the nave idiot.
whether or not digital inspections about how theyre killing them-
of computer hard drives at the U.S. selves, if thats not too goddamn
border are legal. The second-oldest much to ask. Triggered by a lack of
such document still in use by any blood circulation, coronary disease
country in the world, the U.S. Con- ing fish with a safe, judgment-free is responsible for one in four fatali-
stitution holds the absolute answer environment regardless of how they ties in men who arent going to
to every conceivable complex judi- look or what their backgrounds count every calorie like some kind
cial question, such as the legal status might be. The largest coral reef in of health-food nut, even if it short-
of stem cells obtained from fetuses the world is Australias Great Bar- ens their lives by a couple of years
and the protocol for addressing bio- rier Reef, a massive 133,000-square- that theyd probably spend laid up
threats that emanate not from gov- mile space where more than 1,500 in a nursing home anyway. Risk fac-
ernments but individual actors different species swim around and tors include smoking, hyperten-
two things James Madison and make new friends every day and are sion, obesity, that asshole Rick
John Jay clearly foresaw and never ostracized for having a weird- breathing down your neck all day,
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C Corpse to Crusades

inactivity, diabetes, and finishing some maniac on a bicycle, but also bons, and is giving a waitress at a
off a plate of nachos and a box of with politely humoring her when sports bar a really hard time.
caramel corn in front of the Packers she comes down to the office twice Crime, activity that has of late run
game because its your house and a month to complain in person rampant in the streets and back
youll do whatever the hell you about how the mailman just shoves alleys of our once-great cities, ren-
please in it, thank you very much. her letters in the box like theyre dered our so-called law enforce-
Corpse, physical remains of a hu- garbage, despite the fact that mail ment officials powerless, struck fear
man body that people are really is not something the county over- into the hearts of honest, hardwork-
touchy about even though the guys sees. The county supervisor can be ing citizens everywhere, and left
dead and is not likely to give a flying thought of as a counterpart to the
shit that someone accidentally more urban city manager, who is
knocked him off the gurney. responsible for contending with
Corset, tight-fitting womens un- Tonys nonstop bullshit.
Copse, small group of trees dergarment popularized during the Cousteau, Jacques (b. June 11,
huddled together in terror
16th century in response to the 1910 d. June 25, 1997), French
moments before they are killed.
now-discredited medical theory oceanographer and documentary
that if not contained, a womans ribs filmmaker whose tireless education
would become dislocated and be- and conservation efforts were re-
gin floating to different parts of the sponsible for sparking worldwide
body. Doctors believed that with- interest in ocean ecology, and who,
out a corset tightening the midriff, on no fewer than 19 occasions, ac-
ribs could move from the chest area cidentally killed infant fur seals by
to below the waistline, causing a crushing their skulls with his scuba
urinary tract infection, and that a tank when entering the water back-
dislodged curved bone not caught ward from a small boat without
immediately could get trapped in looking. Cousteaus popular films
the circulatory system and eventu- brought attention to manmade
ally flow down the leg and poke threats to endangered marine life,
through the toes. It was a common- even after he inadvertently electro-
ly held medical belief that, by rais- cuted a 39-foot whale shark. Cous-
ing and shaping the breasts, corsets teaus legacy of protecting fragile
created a protective barrier between ocean ecosystems is upheld by the
the chest and neck that would pre- Cousteau Society, a conservation
vent the upper ribs from becoming organization he founded in 1973
lodged in the throat should a that has raised millions of dollars, in
Cracker, crispy baked good woman cough or sneeze. large part to help repair the 14-mile
usually made from flour and Cottonmouth, deadly venomous vi- stretch of the Great Barrier Reef
shoved into ones face at three in per that lurks in various bodies of Cousteau destroyed after he forgot
the afternoon when a person
cant be bothered to make water such as swamps, rivers, Brita to raise the anchor of his famed
anything or even cut a piece of pitchers, and ponds. boat, Calypso, a major fuel leak from
cheese to put on the cracker. County Supervisor, individual ei- which simultaneously left thou-
ther elected or appointed by a sands of dead fish, sharks, seabirds,
county to deal with Mrs. Whitman. and other wildlife in its wake.
The county supervisor is charged Cowboy, worker who rides the
not only with handling Mrs. Whit- plains on horseback and relies on
mans incessant calls and e-mails his wits, toughness, and courage, or
concerning how her neighbor lets a San Antonio executive in a wide-
his dog crap all over her lawn or brimmed hat who makes 175 grand
how she was nearly run over by a year, has had one too many bour-
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E C

usall of usdesperate for some cial mascot of western expansion Croupier, person in charge of a
way to combat the spiraling lawless- and earned him the teasing nick- gambling table who is highly trained
ness of the petty thugs and gang- name King of the Wild Frontier. in not giving pitying looks.
sters who rule the underworld. Crockett was often ridiculed for his Crow, large, highly intelligent
While it remains to be seen whether strange manner of dress, which in- perching bird implicated in numer-
or not anyone will have the courage cluded a fringed buckskin jacket ous online scams.
to step forward and eradicate the and trousers, and a preposterous Crumb, smallest-known unit of
scourge of vice and villainy that is hat made from a dead raccoon that food matter incapable of being di-
eating away at the very core of our a group of Tennessee militiamen vided into separate parts of ed-
society like some black, malignant gave him, convincing Crockett it ible material. Though it is impossi-
cancer, one thing we all know for would give him special powers. He ble to measure the internal structure
certain is that if action is not taken insisted on always carrying around of a crumb, scientists calculate the
soon, more blood of the innocents a large Bowie knife, the tip of which basic crumb is approximately
will spill, and the meek and pure of was affixed with a cork for Crock- 1/2,400th of a morsel and nearly
heart shall inevitably become so etts protection, and he could be 10,000 times smaller than a nibble;
paralyzed by the stranglehold of heard repeatedly singing the three- a smidgen of food is composed of
these far-reaching criminal enter- word song Davy. Davy Crockett! more than 1 million crumbs. Fur-
prises that hope as we know it shall which he often pointed out he had ther research is needed to deter- DAVY CROCKETT
If not addressed by his preferred
be lost forever. The only real ques- written all by himself. At one time mine why these infinitesimally
nickname, King of the Wild
tion that stands at the time of this named an honorary Tennessee con- small particles never taste as good Frontier, the mentally retarded
books publication is, who among gressman by snickering lawmakers, as the main piece of food from pioneer would become enraged,
slapping his head and making a
us will answer this call to justice? Crockett was killed during the Bat- which they separated, but scientists squealing noise until the error was
Who among us will stand up to tle of the Alamo when he attempted now understand that crumbs pos- corrected.

this depraved scum and tell them to hug victorious Mexican general sess a unique capacity to fall off and
enough is enough, tell them to get Antonio Lpez de Santa Anna. move at incalculable speeds to the
out of our cities, our towns, our Cronenberg, David (b. Mar. 15, floor, lap, or beard.
churches, our schoolyards, and 1943), acclaimed Canadian Crusades, series of bloody reli-
send them back to the sick hell from orificemaker. gious wars between 1095 and 1291
whence they crawled? Crossroads, transportation junc- launched throughout Muslim lands
Crockett, Davy (b. Aug. 17, 1786 d. tion created by the Works Progress by the pope to test whether or not
Mar. 6, 1836), mentally disabled Administration in 1937 to provide a we had the kind of God who would
American woodsman whose dim- commercial site where residents allow such monstrosities to take
witted antics made him the unoffi- could sell their souls to the devil. place. After multiple centuries and

CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS, 1962 Cold War new types of military maneuvers, secret tactical Crowbar, tool used by brain
confrontation between the United States and the sessions, and huge munitions that could have been burglars to jimmy open skulls.
Soviet Union in which the two superpowers complete- used, the question is, why?
ly blew a golden opportunity to have one hell of a war.
With a once-in-a-lifetime shot of nuclear explosions
on every continent, legendary dogfights in the air, and
full-scale combat on American soil unlike anything in
history hanging in the balance, Russia screwed the
whole pooch by standing down and dismantling its
offensive weapons in Cuba, and the United States put
the final nail in the coffin by agreeing to dismantle all
IRBMs deployed in Europe and Turkey. Many
historians believe President John F. Kennedy and
Premier Nikita Khrushchev averted World War III, but Kennedy and Khrushchevs showdown produced plenty
with so many weapons and submarines, and different of dramatic photographs but missed the boat on a pretty
kinds of bombs that could have gone off, and all the spectacular nuclear cataclysm.

49

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C Cr yoge nic s to Dawsons Creek

CURRENCY, system of money that functions almost like a physical credit card, whereby one pays
for things with a tactile representation of their wealth.

U.S. Dollar Euro Handful of Crickets

Considered counterfeit-proof, Costs 20 euros to produce each Zimbabwes inflation has
since no one can accurately handcrafted 20-euro note sharply decreased the value
reproduce George Washingtons of a handful of crickets
exact expression of ennui

Rupee Renminbi Ruble

Was there really any doubt Chairman Mao tried on more Russian unit of currency; one
someone other than Gandhi than 50 monotone collared ruble is equal to 1/2,000th of
would appear on the rupee? suits before choosing this one an assassination

British Pound Yen

Currency that was Nearly every
very briefly single bill
printed with circulating in
Hitlers face on it Japan today has
in 1942, just in been stuffed at
case one time or another into a bound and gagged
womans vagina along with a dozen eels

the gruesome deaths of nearly 3 that may very well be a legitimate long ago shunned by divinity that
million people, the pope concluded science, but cmon. are also known as mesocyclones,
that, yes, we apparently did have the Cthulhu, phnglui mglwnafh Cthul- and whose wrath is writ with malice
kind of God who would allow such hu Rlyeh wgahnagl fhtagn. across the very heavens, beware, be
monstrosities to take place. Cumulonimbus, large, vertically wary! the hail and possible torna-
Cryogenics, branch of physics that oriented cloud that augurs dark tid- does, we are forsaken, we are all as
CUMULONIMBUS
Hark! A foul harbinger of doom, studies materials at sub-zero tem- ings, usually from the north. dust, to dust we all must go, dread-
bringing with it a malevolent wind of peratures so that, someday in the Formed from cumulous clouds at ful mortals, screaming souls, cruel
foreboding.
future, scientists may be able to re- altitudes between 500 and 13,000 times hapless victims, heed
vive and ruthlessly mock the dozen feet, these brooding omens usher Cumulonimbus.
or so people worldwide who have naught but wicked deeds, lo, and Cunt, vulgar slang term for a wom-
been dumb enough to freeze their the severe convection currents that ans genitals that is offensive in the
bodies. swirl and writhe within like hellsent extreme unless it is used in the con-
Crystal, Billy, three-dimensional ag- asps pose grave dangers to low- text of an educational reference, in
gregation of molecules that follow a flying aircraft. Some cumulonim- which case it is afforded the clinical,
natural geometric order to create a bus clouds can develop into academic distance necessary to fur-
solid, homogeneous substance with supercells, those vile, continually thering knowledge.
strong properties of shtick. rotating updrafts, with their rains of Cycling, daintier form of biking.
Crystallography, study of the for- reckoning and fitful thunderous
mation and structure of crystals belches from some wretched realm

50

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E D

Da Vinci, Leonardo (b. April 15, humanlike figures, even as his jour- most Americans prefer not to say

D
1452 d. May 2, 1519), Renaissance nals showed the artist repeatedly too much about Dark Thursday. Af-
painter, engineer, and scientist dreamt of winning the lottery and ter all, it is impossible ever to change
whose devotion to artistic achieve- using the money to buy a brand- what happened. Or to try to forget.
ment would have new Ferrari Testarossa. Many art Davis, Miles (b. May 26, 1926
made him abso- historians say Dals most famous d. Sept. 28, 1991), legendary musi-
lutely useless in painting, The Persistence Of Memo- cian who remained culturally and
football, basket- ry, was inspired by a dream he had commercially relevant for four de-
ball, golf, or any- the night before in which he was cades despite the fact that he played Dd .
thing remotely making out with Cindy Crawford. a frigging trumpet. As an innovative Fourth letter of the modern
English alphabet, used by
sports-related. For all their time- Dalmatian, energetic dog breed bandleader, composer, and per-
permission of Fairon Corp, an
lessness, Leonardos masterpieces known for its characteristic white former, Davis was one of the most international conglomerate
The Last Supper and the Mona Lisa fur, black spots, and three-week influential artists of the 20th centu- specializing in technology

wouldnt have given him much help ownership period before being re- ry, a feat he accomplished by blow- solutions and the official
copyright holder of the letter D.
at all with left-handed layups. He is turned to the breeder. ing into an instrument that literally The letter D and its likeness
also credited with early conceptual- Danger, potentially hazardous may not be reproduced or
izations for the helicopter and the thing or act often romanticized as distributed without the express
written consent of the Fairon
calculator, as well as for advances in cool, despite the fact that it presents
Corporation. Copyright 2012,
the fields of anatomy, engineering, a number of significant safety haz- Fairon Corp, Inc.
and optics, which is great and all, ards. Though danger remains ex-
but when it comes down to it, and traordinarily popular among thrill-
one needs a player who can hit for seekers and women whose fathers
average, steal bases, and throw out a withheld affection, it is currently no one ever wants to listen to and
runner tagging up from third, those the leading cause of death after klut- that is essentially a glorified bugle.
achievements really dont count for ziness, heart disease, and peril. Though Davis sold millions of al-
shit, now, do they? Among his myr- Dark Thursday, June 26, 1997, uni- bums, completely changed music
iad accomplishments, Leonardo is versally regarded as the blackest history, and transformed jazz as a
best known for the fact that he and most terrible day in American brilliant pioneer, its depressing to
would have been the worst pole- history. While it is impossible to imagine what he might have been
vaulter of all time. truly convey in words exactly how able to do if hed just learned to play
Dadaism, bubblegum anxiety flap- traumatic and profoundly sorrow- guitar.
jack explosion bang. ful the events of Dark Thursday Dawsons Creek, American teen
Dal, Salvador (b. May 11, 1904 were, surely no one alive on that day drama that was originally about a
d. Jan. 23, 1989), Spanish surrealist will ever forget where they were troubled boy named Dawson who
painter whose when they found out, or how they molests his younger cousin by a
work reflected an felt seeing it all unfold from mo- creek, but was eventually retooled
intense interest ment to awful moment. In fact, by the WB Network.
in bizarre dream
symbolism, DDT, powerful synthetic insecticide that was banned because it Dalai Lama, (b. July 6, 1935),
though most of Dals actual dreams was harmful to predatory birds, though it sure beat being covered in violent enemy of China whose
itchy, red falcon bites. army is currently laying siege to
involved hitting the World Series
Shanghai, Beijing, and
winning home run for the New Guangzhou, thus justifying the
York Yankees, or rocking out in Chinese governments harsh
front of a sold-out arena. Dal at- crackdown on ethnic Tibetans in
the west of the country.
tempted to capture the phantasma-
gorical quality of dreams with im-
ages such as melting clocks,
elephants that walked on long, spin-
dly legs, and grotesquely misshapen
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D Daniel Day-Lewis to Dendrite

Day-Lewis, Daniel (b. Apr. 29, day occur, the moment in which all when they could have pressed King
1957), renowned Oscar-winning your illusions were finally shattered. George for an additional $2 million
method actor widely celebrated for There has always been something in cash, a new capitol building, and
his role as the titular 52,000-ton strange or unreal about your so- a percentage of all British exports
luxury steamship in the film Titanic. called life, hasnt there been? Some- for the next five years. The contract,
Critics and audiences described thing slightly off? And wouldnt it which demonstrates a number of
Lewis as virtually unrecognizable in all make sense if this entire odd ex- classic negotiation mistakes, was
the role, for which the actor became perience that you thought was exis- composed by Thomas Jefferson,
the gargantuan ocean liner, physi- tence, this peculiar journey you who failed to leverage the colonies
cally split in two, and slowly sank have been moving effortlessly position and should have added
into the Atlantic Ocean over the through, was actually nothing more clauses to cover shipbuilding costs
course of two hours. Lewis than an intense mental projection and American travel expenses to
performance is often credited with leading up to this realization, right and from Europe during all diplo-
making the epic one of the highest- here, reading these words? Wouldnt matic visits. The document went
grossing films in history, and for it even be something of a relief? through several drafts, none of
inspiring actor Sean Penns Look within yourselfthat last which included time-shares for all
acclaimed role as India in the 2008 small part of you that is still real the Founding Fathers in the British
film Slumdog Millionaire. and accept that this is true. Face the Virgin Islands, even though the
Dean, James (b. Feb. 8, 1931
d. Sept. 30, 1955), American film Deafness, evolutionary imperative truth, reader. The sooner you do, worst the British monarchy could
actor best known for his iconic that protects human ears from the the sooner this state of nonbeing have done was say no. King George
role in a head-on collision in human voice. will end, and you will be ushered on immediately agreed to the terms be-
1955.
Death, and so we have arrived at the to whatever lies ahead, be it another fore the Americans could wise up,
real purpose of this book. There is plane of existence, or utter hire an attorney, and figure out that
no easy way to put this, so we are nothingness. with their high cost of operations,
just going to come out and state it Death Valley, highly toxic canyon constant problematic behavior, and
plainly: Reader, you are dead. Yes, it that, if consumed, can kill a full- John Adams, the British would
is true. Everything you have ever grown human. have given them anything they
consciously experienced in your Decision, definitive conclusion or wantedincluding free tea in
life up to this point has in fact resolution directly preceding a perpetuityjust to go away.
been nothing more than a post- mistake. Democracy, representative form of
humous mental visualization flash- Declaration Of Independence, government in which all citizens
ing across your mind in the 0.34 document declaring Americas in- have an equal say in the states ad-
seconds immediately following dependence from Britain and writ- ministrative decisions, last success-
your death. The world you exist in ten by nave, inexperienced colo- fully practiced in 1997 by 16 boys in
nowthe places, the people, the nists who stopped short at freedom Camp Winaukees Randall Cabin.
events, and all you believe to be
realis a complex hallucination or
dream-state conjured by your brain
in its last functioning moments.
This book you hold in your hands,
for example, is not real. Nor are the
clothes you are wearing, nor the
place where you sit at this very mo-
ment. Look around you. None of
this is real, for you are dead. If you
think hard, reader, you must admit
to yourself that part of you always
knew this was true; part of you sus- The Founding Fathers didnt even include a clause in the Declaration of
pected this realization would one Independence to be reimbursed for their office supplies and rental costs.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E D

Developed by the ancient Greeks neural malfunctions as seizure, pa- millisecond will send a person tum-
around 504 bc, numerous states ralysis, permanent memory loss, bling down a flight of stairs or cause
have attempted democracy, but it and insanity. Dendrites conduct im- one to pass out behind the wheel of
was only ever fully realized when pulses to and from the central ner- a car and then smash through a
the boys successfully voted on a guardrail and over the edge of a
group name (the Tigers), reached 1,500-foot-high cliff. A single den-
consensus on the groups colors dritic error will also result in perma-
(red and green), and respected Aar- nent psychosis that distorts ones
ons right to free speech by allowing perception of reality by causing
him to articulate his position on horrifying hallucinations that in-
choosing a camping site near a rope vous system and must accomplish variably result in suicide. While
swing. During a time when U.S. this flawlessly, as even one failure such neural misfirings can happen
President Bill Clinton faced im- just oneof the tens of millions of at any time, day or night, they are
peachment and democracies were transmissions that take place every statistically most likely to occur
failing across the globe, the Tigers
scored a perfect 10 on The Econo-
mist Intelligence Units 1997 DIARRHEA, condition defined by having three or more
loose or liquid bowel movements per day. Diarrhea most
democracy index by peacefully
commonly stems from viral gastroenteritis with rotavirus, but in
electing Tommy Irwin to pick up cases of travelers diarrhea, the most prevalent cause is bacteria. It
the daily mail, and respecting the can also be a symptomatic presentation of many other medical
vocal minoritys wish to do arts and conditions, including Crohns disease, irritable bowel syndrome
crafts every once in while instead of (IBS), mushroom poisoning, hormone-secreting tumors, and
always going water tubing. Some ischemic bowel disease. Oftentimes the only treatment required
for diarrhea is replacing lost fluids and salts. However, more
critics argue that because counselor
severe cases of diarrhea may require antibiotics, antimotility De Kooning, Willem (b. Apr.
Mark could ultimately veto any agents, bismuth compounds, zinc, or codeine phosphate. Loss of 14, 1904 d. Mar. 19, 1997), 20th-
group decisionand once did use fluids through diarrhea can cause severe dehydration and century Dutch painter known for
this power when the Tigers at- electrolyte imbalances, sometimes resulting in death; it is a his extensive, priceless collection
common cause of fatalities in developing nations, as well as the of de Koonings.
tempted to repress Daniels right to
participate in a kickball game second leading cause of death among newborns worldwide.
Despite this, some researchers have theorized that diarrhea serves
against the Bullsthe Tigers were
an evolutionary purpose as an expulsion defense mechanism, and
in fact a republic. may actually shorten the length of fevers.
Democratic Party, devout, highly
organized group of political zealots Types Of Diarrhea
with the explicitly stated goal of Secretory Inflammatory
seizing control of the U.S. govern- Occurs when there is an increase Occurs when there is damage to
in the secretion of intestinal fluid the mucosal lining of the
ment. Bent on total political domi-
and continues even after cessation intestines, leading to passive loss of
nation of the country, the Demo- of oral food intake. protein-rich fluids and an inability
cratic Party has vowed to let nothing to absorb these fluids.
Osmotic
stand in its way as it takes over all
Most often caused when too much Brainerd Diarrhea
levels of government in every state water is drawn into the bowels as a A mysterious illness marked by a
and municipality in a ruthless effort result of maldigestion. sudden onset of explosive, watery
to impose its extremist agenda on diarrhea that lasts for months and
Exudative does not respond to antibiotics or
every American man, woman, and Marked by the presence of blood other treatments. The cause of
child. (See Republican Party) and pus in the feces. Brainerd diarrhea remains
Dendrite, electrically charged unknown, though it is associated
Motility-Related
branch extending from each of the with the consumption of untreated
Caused by the rapid movement of
water and raw milk. The illness
human brains 100 billion neurons, food through the intestines before
sometimes takes years to resolve
sufficient nutrients and water can
a single misfiring of which will itself.
be absorbed.
cause such devastating irreversible
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D Albert DePasquale to Dignity

while one is holding a baby. was invited to all the cool parties. the arm on the school bus and
DePasquale, Albert (b. Dec. 12, Although Detwilers name hadnt called them a queer because he
1941), state Supreme Court judge come up in years, it was surprising didnt know how to deal with the
you voted for only because he has how angry one became after hear- difficult emotions he was experi-
the same first name as your beloved ing he was doing quite well for him- encing. While one would in no way
father. He is a madman. self these days and had just been condone Detwiler questioning his
Depression, feeling experienced promoted to director of admissions victims sexuality in front of the
when one remembers that one is at St. James Hospital in Great Falls, whole school, its at least worth ac-
depressed. the piece of shit. knowledging that Detwiler helped
Detwiler, Jeff (b. Jan. 15, 1969), Devils Advocate, practice of taking take care of his grandmother when
bully, tormentor, and all-around a position one does not necessarily she was sick and he did make Eagle
prick who seemed to get some sort agree with purely for the sake of ar- Scout, so he couldnt have been all
of sick joy out of making someone gument, e.g., considering the idea bad. Yes, it was inexcusable that he
elses life a living hell from seventh that school bully Jeff Detwiler was continued his misbehavior several
grade all the way through high perhaps not some diabolical villain years after high school when those
Detergent, water-soluble school. While he employed such and may have just been a troubled he tormented returned home for
cleaning agent that, if possessed simple physical acts of violence as kid. Often used in an attempt to un- Christmas break, but from his point
in large quantities, is an incredibly shoving and extended punching, derstand the motivations and ac- of view, he was probably just angry
depressing way to make friends at
Detwiler was also notable for the tions of others, no matter how de- at himself for not taking his educa-
a laundromat.
frequency and brute effectiveness plorable those actions might tion seriously when he had the
of his verbal assaults, most of which beand, admittedly, what Jeff did chance. Just saying.
concerned his subjects sexuality, was pretty badplaying devils Diamond, rare and precious stone
inability to defend himself from vi- advocate allows one to make the worth every tragic mine collapse
olence, or a combination of the two rhetorical argument that maybe and dead worker in history.
in which Detwiler implied his Detwiler tormented others because Dick, Philip Kindred (b. Dec. 16,
victim enjoyed being beaten up. of his own insecurities, and, with 1928 d. {58} [28] 2257 + etc.
Perhaps worst of all, Detwiler was his father out of work and his moth- ), American novelist and short-
generally well liked, to the extent er on disability, he might have story writer who, despite dying in
that he always had a girlfriend and punched his victims repeatedly in this reality in 1982, also died in an

DINING UTENSILS, implements such as forks, knives, and spoons used to help cut or eat food. In Western culture, particularly in formal
settings, utensils are specialized according to function.
Multistage Omni-Serrated
Dinner Fork Rocket Fork Knife Soup
Fork Thats Going Into Microphone
Brother-In-Laws Eye Socket
In About Three Seconds Soup
Spoon

Plankton Salad Skull

Salad Fork X Dinner Spoon
Fork Knife Knife Teaspoon Scooper
Fork With
Parasitic Fork
Wine Fork Twin Salad Ax
One Of Those Cool Knives
With The Wavy Blade Rod-And-Reel Spoon

54

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alternate reality in 1958, after abre- ing staff a thimble of water and an ket made of gold.
acting there with the aid of a highly oat per sentence. Dickens insis- Dictionary, reference volume that,
addictive time-travel drug. He tence that his urchin scribes write to put it charitably, contains the
passed away in a separate alternate from experience led to the creation definitions of various wordsand
reality in 1928, along with his infant of many famous passages, including only wordsas if mankind might
twin sister, in a freakish incident one from Oliver Twist in which the have any practical use for such a
that would plague his tortured titular character utters, Please, sir, I thing in this day and age. First de-
psyche in this universe, where he, want some morea phrase that, veloped by an upstart Englishman
but not his infant twin sister, when asked of Dickens in real life, with far too much time, and far too
survived. In yet a different universe, resulted in the child being beaten, large an ego, on his hands, the dic-
he will not die until the year 2257, shackled to the wall, and made to tionary is now regarded as an obso-
when, living in luxury and lete relic, as the vast majority of hu-
surrounded by eroticlones of the man beings are able to get through
20th-century recording artist Linda their day just fine without having to Dickinson, Emily (b. Dec. 10,
1830 d. May 15, 1886), reclusive
Ronstadt, he will usurp the Terran frantically flip through a giant book
American poet whose work was
Presidency as Grand Inquisitor of in search of some obscure words mostly published posthumously,
the Church of VALIS, only to be as- meaning. For all matters relating though were she alive today, an
sassinated in his conapt by roboid to facts or information, encyclope- editorial assistant would chuck
her notebooks on the poetry pile,
rebels. Despite these and other dias are now, just as ever, universally
only to later sneak them out to a
deaths, Dick is currently working preferred. bar after work to read out loud in
on a new novel in an infinite num- Digit, numerical symbol used to a mocking funny voice to
ber of alternate realities. write Bleak House in one sitting. form math words. colleagues.
Dickens, Charles (b. Feb. 7, 1812 Similarly, the character of Ebe- Digital Media, rapidly growing in-
d. June 9, 1870), Victorian-era Brit- neezer Scrooge was actually mod- dustry created to provide a liveli-
ish aristocrat who published a series eled directly on Dickens and was an hood for those who have nothing of
of popular and influential novels inside joke among the children, as value to offer society.
composed by a team of starving or- were A Christmas Carols ghostly ap- Dignity, state of mind that begins at
phans that he kept locked in his cel- parition characters, all of whom birth and gradually and irreversibly
lar and forced to author his entire were based on the hunger-induced decreases over the course of a life-
body of work. Dickens was a harsh hallucinations of orphan Tiny time. A persons natural quantity of
taskmaster whose gift for extracting Tim Browne. By the time Dickens dignity starts eroding the moment
quality literature out of malnour- died in 1870, he had gone through he or she gains self-awareness and
ished street waifs yielded such clas- some 230 orphans, 90 of whom slowly decays through such acts as
sics of Western literature as Oliver died in the writing of A Tale Of Two demeaning oneself in order to ac-
Twist and Great Expectations, for Cities alone. He was buried with a quire employment or debasing one-
which he paid his indentured writ- pile of his royalty earnings in a cas- self in the pursuit of love or sex. The

Dignity Over A Human Lifespan

Take out
high

second
mortgage on Disney, Walt (b. Dec. 5, 1901
Agree to house, push
Face pay cut in d. Dec. 15, 1956), American film
covered in Enter back
workforce order to retirement producer, writer, animator, voice
rice cereal Zone out,
DIGNITY

keep job another 5 actor, and entertainer who was

follow
wrong Prom years renowned for his childlike
family to proposal Daughter
rejected Clean shit off enthusiasm for money.
car daughters leg cleans shit
off your leg
low

6 MONTHS 9 YEARS 18 22 28 42 61 85

55

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D Dildo to Dinosaur

millions of incremental, often im- might be that a German shell Doctor, highly trained medical pro-
DNA, deoxyribonucleic perceptible losses of dignity de- wouldnt land directly in their fox- fessional who diagnoses and treats
acid, self-propagating
material present in the manded of every person for inclu- holes, while also thinking about illnesses and can, honest to God,
cells of living organisms sion in human society mean that how much happier theyd be if they order any patient to get naked
that is responsible for very few individuals reach middle were in America hitting home runs, whenever he or she pleases, no
carrying coded genetic age with any dignity whatsoever. making diving catches, and basi- questions asked. Whether seeing a
information. The only persons who consistently cally having a great time playing 9-year-old child or a 78-year-old
reach the end of their lives with a baseball for money with their grandparent, a doctor is, amazingly,
1. substantial amount of dignity are friends in the summer sun. Di- given carte blanche to demand the
SIDS victims and infants who die in Maggio ended his career with three person not only strip nude in broad
house fires. MVP awards, and while he and his daylight, but also pose in any num-
2.
Dildo, penis-shaped item made fellow professional baseball players ber of doctor-specified positions to
from latex, plastic, or glass used were proud of their military service, better showcase their bare body for
vaginally or anally during masturba- all of them said at one point or an- inspection. Doctors, who at the end
3. tion and sex; also, Carson Daly, Pat other that watching members of of each day are no different than any
5.
Robertson, Niccol Machiavelli, their battalion have their legs blown other person youd pass on the
Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Dane off while a medic lied to them that street canbelieve it or noteven
Cook, Ann Coulter, Martin Van Bu- everything would be okay was a lot step out of an examination room at
ren, Michael Moore, Richard Bran- less fun than winning a World will, leaving a patient alone, buck
4.
son, Hernando Cortz, Don Hen- Series. naked, without giving them any in-
ley, Pontius Pilate, Criss Angel, Al Disease, highly contagious virus lo- dication of when they might come
1. Protein combination Sharpton, Cardinal Richelieu, Mi- cated on the surface of everything. back. Unbelievable.
that makes you shout
chael Bay, John Boehner, Russell Distinction, attribute separating Doctors Without Borders, interna-
YEAH! when Motr-
heads Ace Of Spades Brand, Caravaggio, David Duke, one individual from all others. Ex- tional humanitarian aid organiza-
comes on Laura Schlessinger, Andrew Jack- amples include achievement in tion that since 1971 has been locked
2. Spine of the DNA that, if son, John Edwards, Glenn Beck, higher education, artistic or athletic in a bloody conflict with the Red
poked with a pin, will cause Hideki Tj, Pope Alexander VI, accomplishment, and having a Cross for control of areas afflicted
an organism to collapse in Don Henley, Kim Kardashian, Jared really noticeable and disgusting by war, disease, or natural disasters.
on itself and create a
Fogle, Kenneth Lay, and Marie birthmark on practically the whole Over the course of the savage 40-
miniature black hole
Antoinette. right side of ones face. year rivalry, more than 40,000 doc-
3. Gene responsible for
DiMaggio, Joe (b. Nov. 25, 1914 Divorce, dissolution of a marital tors and nurses have been killed by
thinking every rash is skin
cancer, actually getting skin d. Mar. 8, 1999), union that should have ended five rival aid workers in clashes over the
cancer years later, then Hall of Fame cen- years ago. worlds most coveted regions of
appreciating the irony ter fielder for the
4. Heart-disease-causing New York Yan-
gene that could have been kees and one of
eradicated four generations
the hundreds of
ago if your great-great-
great-grandmother didnt professional players in his time
completely lose it for good who, rather than fighting in World
ballroom dancers War II and facing the very real, very
5. Thymine, one of the four horrifying prospect of dying young,
nucleobases that better would have much preferred to just
come ready to combine,
stay home and play baseball all day.
oxidize, and replace,
because if not, itll just be A 13-time All-Star, DiMaggio,
wasting its time and the along with Bob Feller, Warren
other nucleobases time Spahn, Ted Williams, and countless
others, quivered in silent fear on
battlefields in the dead of winter Armed physicians from Doctors Without Borders defend their patients from
and prayed to whatever God there kidnappings by the Red Cross.
56

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E D

Alectrosaurus
Dinosaur Was amazed to learn that little boys lived
Extinct terrestrial reptile that lived primarily on chicken fingers and egg salad
between 67 million and 250 sandwiches.
million years ago during the
Mesozoic Era and voraciously
consumed every piece of informa-
tion it could find on 9-year-old
boys. The prehistoric orders of
Saurischia and Ornithischia, many
species of which were massive
land dwellers, spent the majority
of their existence poring over
picture books about 9-year-old
boys, learning what they looked
like, and memorizing their names.
Paleontologists have discovered
fossil evidence that suggests the
Triceratops, a three-horned
herbivorous dinosaur, was
particularly intrigued by Billy
Sullivan, who stood up to 53
inches tall and could run faster
than any other kid in the whole
third grade. The Ankylosaurus, a
30-foot-long dinosaur that was
covered in bony armor and had a
large, clubbed tail, became
obsessed with 9-year-old boys Pterodactyl
The only flying dinosaur was
after reading about how they
afraid of 9-year-old boys and
subsisted on a diet of hot dogs,
often cried in front of all the
Spaghetti-Os, and chicken fingers. other dinosaurs.
Many scientists believe the 25-ton
quadruped Apatosaurus was
especially impressed by the fact
that some 9-year-old boys have
freckles, while the bipedal apex
predator Tyrannosaurus Rex
considered the king of the
dinosaurswould use its small
forelimbs to make drawings of
9-year-old boys jumping on Saltopus
Smaller than a medium-sized dog,
trampolines or riding around on
the 5-pound Saltopus would
BMX bikes. Paleontologists
constantly speculate as to what it
theorize the large, spike-tailed would be like to sleep in a bed with
herbivore Stegosaurus was the race-car sheets.
smartest but most insufferable
dinosaur, because it would build
dioramas of 9-year-old-boy
habitats and then brag about how Jake
Dinosaurs could not
accurate they were, or pretend to
believe that 9-year-old
be a 9-year-old boy by making
Jake lost a front baby
annoying laughing and yelling tooth at school and kept
noises all the time. it in his pocket all day.

57

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D Dole to DEA

medical need, including Sudan, quest right in front of the quiet, sen- And now the sucker is you, flatfoot.
Rwanda, Burma, and Afghanistan. sitive dolphin who had finally Looks like its going to be twice to-
While the Doctors Without Bor- worked up the courage to ask her night you get your clock cleaned
ders forces are vastly outnumbered out. over Mitsy LaRue. (See Mitsy
by those of the Red Cross, they are Don, Mount, stupidest mountain in LaRue)
far more brutal in their tactics, and the world. Mount Don is located in Doppler Effect, noise made with
have been known to ambush a Red the Canadian Rockies but is the mouth in order to indicate that
Cross field hospital and butcher all currently unclaimed by any nation something went by moving really
personnel with machetes before because it is so dumb and embar- fast.
Dog, domesticated animal that
safely transporting the patients to rassing. Although its uppermost Douglass, Frederick (b. Feb. 1818
you better believe remembers the
time you stood in front of your medical facilities in Doctors With- elevation has not been determined, d. Feb. 20, 1895), former slave who
bedroom mirror and silently out Borders territory. Caught in the climbers have ascended as high as went on to become a revered social
stared at your naked body for two crossfire are the aid recipients 1,200 feet before being overcome reformer, orator, writer, and states-
minutes. The four-legged canine
also remembers how you began
themselves, who are often brought by the mountains sheer lameness, man. Editors would be happy to
shaking your head at your to the center of their village and immediately turning around, and provide comprehensive informa-
appearance and whispered to forced to watch as Doctors Without hiking back down in disgust. More- tion on Douglass to any reader who
yourself, I dont want to look this Borders physicians set fire to ur- over, this pathetic excuse for a land- sends to the publisher an original
way anymore.
gently needed supplies such as in- form likely doesnt even have any essay at least 15 pages in length
oculations, antibiotics, and surgical valuable resources, only layer upon thoughtfully explaining why he or
implements that have been pro- layer of pointless rocks and other she wants to learn more about this
vided by the Red Cross. The villag- useless junk, though no one knows important historical figure. Doug-
ers are then told that if they ever get for sure because no one has ever lasss story is incredibly fascinating
their lifesaving medical attention, bothered exploring the stupid piece and thought-provoking, which is
nutritional counseling, and sanita- of shit. An absolute disgrace, Mount why a concise treatise of ones inter-
tion assistance from anyone besides Don refuses to go away, despite the est in him is the minimum require-
Doctors Without Borders, they will fact that everyone clearly hates it, ment for obtaining this encyclope-
each lose their right hand. and it just sits there, year in and year dias immaculately researched entry
Dole, multinational agriculture cor- out, doing nothing but taking up on his life and accomplishments,
poration that played a crucial role space with its truly laughable and why the ones essay should not
in increasing the USDAs recom- peaks and summits. Mount only coherently present and sup-
mended daily intake of pineapples Donugh, just saying the name is port its thesis, but also provide five
to 250 pounds per person. fucking annoyingis only includ- examples of how ones newly ac-
Dolphin, marine mammal consid- ed in this encyclopedia because it is quired understanding of Frederick
ered to be one of the most intelli- important to note how thoroughly Douglass would be applied in ones
gent species on the planet based on and unequivocally it sucks dick, all daily life. Visual aids are encouraged
the fact that it is the only animal be- day, every day, all the time. (but will not count toward the es-
sides humans to have sex purely out Donkey, animal whose stupid ap- says required length) and should
of spite. The emotionally manipula- pearance is, ironically, only en- enhance the central argument of
DOLPHIN tive dolphin exhibits its intelligence hanced by putting a mortarboard the disquisition in a meaningful
The marine mammals sometimes by seducing a potential mate that it on its head and a diploma in its way. If completing a simple essay in
exhibit signs of culture, including the
use of tools and the ability to make
knows another dolphin in the pod mouth. the service of learning about an
a sexual partner feel like absolute has a crush on by making it feel like Doo-Wop, style of pop music popu- American icon such as Frederick
shit for no apparent reason.
its the only dolphin in the world, lar in the 1950s that could only have Douglass seems like too much trou-
and then leaving the next morning occurred in a nation utterly preoc- ble, perhaps its better you just read
with a promise to see it again, which cupied by the Cold War. about Phil Spector or unicycles
it never keeps. The smartest and Doogan, Slugger, sure, I threw the (See Phil Spector, Unicycle).
shittiest of the aquatic creatures fight earlierguy sees a chance to
then go loudly bragging to friends get the money, the girl, and the glo- For more information about Frederick
about their most recent sexual con- ry all at once, hed be a sucker not to. Douglass, please send a self-addressed,
58

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E D

stamped envelope along with the At the height of its power and
required essay, your name, age, social influence, the U.S. Corn
Enforcement Agency confiscated
security number, and certified proof of
and burned more than 14 million
purchase to: pounds of corn.
The Onion Encyclopaedia Board
c/o The Zweibel Institute
P.O. Box 3403
Tempe, AZ 85282

Dream, images or sensations that

occur during sleep in the minds of
the clinically insane. In dramatic
contrast to the state of comforting
black emptiness that psychologi-
cally stable persons experience dreams to intrude upon the peace- concerned with seizing and de-
when sleeping, the shifting phan- ful nighttime oblivion enjoyed by stroying illegal drugs, the DEA
tasmagorical events of dreams healthy people. Mentally unstable formed after a congressional in-
which may include powerful visual, people may sometimes experience quiry found not only that the CEA
aural, and tactile hallucinations as stressful or unpleasant dreams was unnecessary, but that it was also
well as intense emotional invest- known as nightmares, which usu- insane to devote millions of man-
ment in completely nonexistent ally indicate the onset of a deadly hours and billions of tax dollars to
phenomenaare a dangerous by- aneurysm or brain hemorrhage. the arrest of people who buy and
product of profound mental illness. Dred Scott v. Sanford, 1857 U.S. sell corn, or to conduct yearlong Donner Party, American
pioneers who traveled on a wagon
It is impossible for normal individu- Supreme Court decision stating sting operations on American farms train headed out west in 1846,
als who only experience sleep as a that slaves were not citizens, which that inevitably ended in setting became trapped in the snow in
peaceful, enveloping void to under- did not result in the immediate fir- massive cornfields ablaze. At the the Sierra Nevada, and cannibal-
stand what occurs in dreams, be- ing of all nine Supreme Court time it was dissolved in 1973, the ized the casualties, though one
survivor admitted that he had
cause those who experience dreams justices. CEA was fully engaged in its War on started snacking on people back
often suffer from impaired thought Drug Enforcement Agency, arm of Corn, an effort to reduce world- in Missouri.
processes that inhibit their ability to the U.S. government that evolved wide corn distribution that was not
recall or describe their delusions to from the now defunct Corn En- joined by any other countries be-
others. Dreams can sometimes be forcement Agency of the 1930s, cause all deemed it ineffective and
treated with antipsychotic medica- which was disbanded when no jus- counterproductive, due to the fact
tions or through therapy, which can tification could be found for raiding that corn shouldnt be an illegal
help the patient access traumatic American citizens homes and con- thing. After signing legislation that
life events that may have caused fiscating their corn. Now primarily converted the CEA into the DEA,

DREAM INTERPRETATION
Some common dreams and their meanings
Driftwood, wood that has washed
ashore for the purpose of being
You feel anxious on a You find yourself Frightened by the You have the sensation
DREAM

subconscious level feeling unburdened collected by a stepmom.

uncertainty of the of losing control of the
about a big decision from a major future, you struggle with relationships in your life.
you have to make. responsibility. self-doubt.

All of your teeth will You can fly. You will return to your You are currently falling
MEANING

fall out. old high school, realize from the top of the
youre not wearing any Empire State Building.
clothes, and forget about
a big exam.

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D Marcel Duchamp to Education

President Richard Nixon said, world, while his wife, Dottie, served Intelligence Agency, as well as for
This concludes a very weird time coffee and tuna fish sandwiches. cofounding the Quint Group, a ma-
in our nations history. Though he couldnt attend its un- jor scientific research corporation
Duchamp, Marcel (b. July 28, 1887 veiling because it came during the headquartered in the Seychelles. A
d. Oct. 2, 1968), French artist who busy season, Ronkowski gave Du- significant Cold War figure who
helped inspire the American Dada- champ the idea for his most famous helped spearhead an aggressive
ist movement along with Francis work, Fountain, saying that by rotat- program of containment in reac-
Picabia, Man Ray, and Dayton, ing a urinal 90 degrees it would shift tion to communism, Dulles was an
Ohiobased tax attorney Jerry the focus of art from physical craft early supporter of the work of the
Ronkowski. Duchamp, whose most to intellectual interpretation. He brilliant young theoretical physi-
significant contribution to Dada also advised Duchamp to seriously cist Dr. Charles Alexander Oberon,
was his readymades, or found art, consider a Retirement Plan Rescue his partner in the Quint Group,
Dubai, city that provides its was continually inspired by Picabia to minimize taxation on his estate, a who wished to pursue various ex-
laborers a dreamlike futuristic and Ray, and was invigorated by strategy that ultimately allowed the perimental research applications
setting in which to suffer
countless human rights violations.
Ronkowskis ability to help his cor- surrealist to avoid a double tax by for military-industrial use. In 1959,
porate clients create dependable, combining exemption limits with Dulles disappeared mysteriously
individualized tax structures for his spouse, Lydie. Ronkowskis while on a diplomatic mission to
their companies and to imbue ori- most famous piece was his 1921 as- China and principal ownership in
nary, everyday objects with a sense semblage Bat Nailed To Mask, and the Quint Group was handed over
of fantastical, abstracted whimsy. he was also a notary public. to Oberon.
Ronkowski would often host fellow Dulles, John Foster (b. Feb. 25, Dying, process that begins shortly
Dadaists in his split-level ranch 1888 d. May 24, 1959), former U.S. after the doctor says, Thats odd,
home for long, passionate conversa- senator and secretary of state under while looking at ones chart, and is
tions about how the artistic move- President Dwight D. Eisenhower completely irreversible by the time
ment could serve to ridicule the who is best remembered for his he says, Id like to run a few more
meaninglessness of the modern role in the early years of the Central tests.

BOB DYLAN (b. May 24, 1941), Dylan delights music

American singer-songwriter who through- fans and critics alike,
out his career intentionallybut unsuccess- performing an
fullydid everything he possibly could to earsplitting solo on
convince people he was not great. Despite an out-of-tune guitar
making a wide range of purposely awful while grunting
musical and creative choices over a 50-year nonsense words in a
periodincluding contorting his voice into raspy frog voice.
Duncan, Tim (b. Apr. 25, 1976),
professional basketball player for a series of ungodly screeches and croaks,
the San Antonio Spurs and lead playing extended one-note harmonica solos,
copy editor and fact-checker for recording a half-assed cover album,
this book. embarking on an extended Christian phase,
and just flat-out not trying for years at a
timeDylan has so far been unable to
accomplish his goal of making people think
he wasnt a complete and utter songwriting
genius. Music historians and rock fans alike
generally agree that even if Bob Dylan Dylan hoped in
attempted to sabotage himself by recording vain that this
nothing but willfully off-key salsa albums recording would
for the rest of his career, he would not only finally make people
still go down as one of the best two or three stop calling him
recording artists ever, but those albums Americas greatest
would also probably be kind of great. living songwriter.

60

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E E

Earhart, Amelia (b. July 24, 1897 dle the slightest improper disposal traption until an assistant demon-

E
declared dead Jan. 5, 1939), noted of toxins without freaking out and strated how it was designed to
American ladypilot who became causing a dramatic chain reaction rapidly attribute ideas to a different
the first lady to throughout the entire habitat, even inventor while also ruining the rep-
cross the Atlantic though they were barely touched by utation of his competitors. The
Ocean by her harmful contaminants. One would credit-taking machine was portable
ladyself. In 1937, think a real ecosystem would be enough to set up while in line at the
after writing a able to adapt and absorb a few nox- U.S. patents office, meaning the
bestselling lady- ious gases and fluids right into its New Jersey native could quickly
Ee . .
Fifth letter of the English
book about her experiences, Ear- precious life cycles, but apparently and efficiently take the glory for alphabet, which was born an F
hart ladycrashed her ladyplane not. The flimsy, easily ruined eco- dozens of pending innovations but never felt comfortable being
identified as such and had its
while attempting to circumnavigate system is also prone to getting hon-
lower serif surgically extended
the globe. Though a group of avia- est corporations in a lot of trouble to become a vowel. Having
tors thought theyd recovered Ear- even though the ecological disaster always known it was an E
harts ladyremains in 2010, DNA was a total accident and nobodys despite its F anatomy, the
young consonant had an
tests on her ladybones have proved fault, really.
extraordinarily difficult time
inconclusive. Nevertheless, Earhart Ed Sullivan Show, long-running va- conforming to the phonetic
made ladyhistory with her lady- riety show best remembered for ap- conventions assigned to it by
society, and for many unhappy
courage and will forever be remem- pearances by musical acts including
years went through the motions
bered as a true American lady. rock icon Elvis Presley, singer-song- in words like fig and flack.
Eastwood, Clint (b. May 31, 1930), writer Charles Manson, Motown Realizing it could never be
actor and director whose iconic role trio the Supremes, and, in their first pronounced authentically unless
radical steps were taken, the F
as Dirty Harry earned him the nick- American television appearance, without having to pause to legally
underwent a lengthy series of
name Dirt Hair, which he has the British foursome the Beatles. obtain the sole patent on the light treatments to dampen its
gone by among friends ever since. Edison, Thomas (b. Feb. 11, 1847 bulb and stock ticker designs he voiceless labiodental fricative

Ecosystem, fragile biological envi- d. Oct. 18, 1931), American inven- stole from someone else. and ultimately completed its
transformation with life-altering
ronment, composed of a variety of tor who held 1,093 U.S. patents for Education, system of conveying
letter-reassignment surgery.
precious interrelated elements, that devices such as the phonograph, and passing on knowledge that Today, many people utter words
is so delicate the addition of even the motion picture camera, and the should be avoided if one doesnt like electricity and echo with
no clue as to the E s origin,
one little unnatural pollutant from a credit-taking machine, an apparatus ever want to know about mankinds
although some claim you can
well-meaning Fortune 500 corpora- devised by his rival George West- extensive history of war and de- tell just by looking at it.
tion can destroy the entire thing. inghouse. Edison inadvertently dis- struction, the way in which eco-
Ecosystems support a diverse group covered the credit-taking machine nomics perpetuates inequity on a
of frail and overly sensitive organ- in 1881 during a routine weekly global scale, the science of infec-
isms, including plants and animals ransacking of Westinghouses labo- tious diseases, the alienating and
that are so feeble they cannot han- ratory and was puzzled by the con- inconceivable vastness of the

THE HUMAN EAR CANAL

Cochlea Subwoofer
Octopus-snail that pukes Can be used to give your
Cilia earwax coworkers voice a little more bass
Where life advice from your
father got stuck when you Tympanic Membrane
were 8 years old, never Structure that transmits aural
making it to your brain information via a tiny man in full tuxedo
tails and white gloves who stands
patiently in the ear canal listening to
the sounds that enter. After interpreting
Treasure Chamber
this information, he then walks over to
Locked part of ear that
the tympanic membrane and, with his
one can only access by
felt-covered mallets, plays a rhythmic
jamming different objects
coded message that is processed in
in there and seeing if
the brain as the sound the little man
anything opens it
just heard.

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E

Earth
Only planet in the known universe capable of supporting life that is its people pollute andin what is truly an interstellar miraclea
trying to kill it. Located 93 million miles from the nearest star, Earth year-round livable climate that its population is actively deter-
has an exceedingly rare oxygen- and nitrogen-rich atmosphere that mined to make unlivable within their lifetimes. Due to the
protects its surface from harmful solar radiation, and provides ideal inconceivable vastness of the universe, scientists believe that while
conditions for a species to evolve and develop technologies to destroy there could be another Earth-like planet somewhere in the
the very same atmosphere that ensures its survival. In addition to the cosmos, it is a statistical improbability that it would support
priceless, nonrenewable resources that Earths inhabitants recklessly inhabitants so uniquely fucked up and idiotic that they wont rest
exploit, the planet is also unique in providing life-sustaining water that until they annihilate it.

THERMOSPHERE
Atmosphere containing the orbiting UPPER MANTLE
THE EARTHS LAYERS remains of 12 monkeys and four dogs Layer consisting of olivine, pyroxenes, and spinel-
structure materials where temperatures can reach 1,700
Fahrenheit, or 926 Celsius, or 1,199 kelvins, or 3,245
Gorman, or 7,844.3 Dorington, or 98 Miscus, or 2,115
HYDROSPHERE eltrad, or 900,006 Lurfer, or 34 Horn
Liquid component
of the Earth that
MANTLE
includes oceans,
Highly viscous layer between the Earths crust and
lakes, ponds,
core that has a very high teen pregnancy rate second
streams, and deserts,
only to New Mexicos
but not that last one

METAPHORIC LAYER
500-kilometer-thick, semi-tangible representation of
the planets perceived eternity but actual
impermanence

OUTER CORE
Dense, highly magnetic liquid iron center of the
Earth that over the next 900 million years will
pull all of the planets spoons into it

INNER CORE
Innermost, hottest part of Earth,
made of a mostly solid iron-nickel
alloy. In 1957, scientists bored a
small, cylindrical hole from the
surface of the Earth to the inner
core so that a single hot dog could
be lowered down and
flash-cooked to perfection.

TROPOSPHERE
Breathe in. Breathe BIOSPHERE
out. You just Aggregate sum of all living
ruined a little bit of organisms on Earth, consisting of
the troposphere. humans, raccoons, and others
CRUST
Fragile outer layer of the Earth that can only
withstand the weight of 12,500 more Chevy
S-10 trucks before it cracks open and collapses

EARTHS FORMATION
The Earth was formed when a rotating cloud of interstellar gas collapsed sion, while inhabiting a utopian world based on pure love and reason.
in on itself in a process that, if it had occurred three inches to the right, Scientists have made the argument that mankind is incalculably lucky the
would have caused humans to evolve into a race of 30-foot-tall, Earth did not form even two feet closer to the sun, as the nonstop free-for-all
indescribably beautiful super beings with 5,000-year lifespans. Earth took sexual intercourse taking place with our humongous, hypersensitive penises
shape 5 billion years ago due to tremendous levels of pressure, heat, and and perfectly shaped breasts would have given humans little incentive to
gravitational force, an event which, had it taken place just a few inches to develop backbreaking industry or cramped, filthy metropolises, leaving us
the left, its inhabitants would instead have become giant floating cerebral instead to inhabit a tropical jungle paradise forever.
spheres housing a vast and gentle intelligence beyond our comprehen-

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ECONOMICS, science of explaining where all Prominent Economic Theories

the money went. The field of economics is divided Supply-Side Economics
into two main categories: microeconomics, which Theory under which the government is forced to
examines why the money was all here a minute ago just stand there and watch the whole nightmare
but now its not; and macroeconomics, which looks play out right in front of it.
at the economy as a whole to determine how that
Keynesian Economics
much money could just be gone all of a sudden. Macroeconomic theory based on government
Economists use empirical evidence in an attempt to spending that is highly contentious due to the
understand why what little money is left is some- fact that it creates jobs, lays a foundation for a
how worth a lot less now than it was before, and strong middle class, and leads to periods of
they analyze data to study why simply making new economic prosperity.
money to replace the money that disappeared isnt
I Brought This Cool Thing Back Egg, one of the most popular
really how it works. While some schools of
From Korea Theory forms of child to eat.
economic thought hold that the best course of
Theory under which an economic system is
action is to reject the idea that the money is really
fueled exclusively by weird toys or sandwiches
gone and carry on like nothing happened, other discovered while on vacation in Korea that no
theories argue that the only way to fix this is to ask one at home has even heard of but will be a huge
the people with the most money to share it with hit if repackaged just the right way.
everyone else because a lot of people need money
right now. Economics is often used by governments Entrepreneurial Economics
to implement social policies, such as accepting that Economic theory that posits the kid who starts a
the money is never coming back and that everybody business selling candy out of his locker always
had better just get used to it. goes on to be a major sleazeball later in life.
FAMOUS TEACHERS
Aristotle
universe, entropy, and the inevita- der the sad burden of an enlight- though the 1,063-foot structure is Greek
philosopher
bility of death. Starting at an early ened conscience or lie awake deep located in Paris, where it can easily
and teacher
age, children are subjected to rigor- into the night, sweaty with panic, position itself in the frame of any who
ous formal education based on trying to comprehend the notion of picture taken in front of competing promoted
a well-
classroom lessons and in-depth infinity. If you are able to read this landmarks such as the Arc de Tri- rounded education, or
reading, which children would be entry, then you already know too omphe and Notre Dame Cathedral, rather, a well-rounded
awareness of ones flaws,
wise to resist at every turn unless much and it is too late for you. the Eiffel Tower is also known to
fears, and sorrows.
they actively wish to learn the fun- Edward III (b. Nov. 13, 1312 d. June appear suddenly in photos taken far
damentals of how language can be 21, 1377), English king. He is dead beyond the French capital, and visi- Friedrich
Frbel
used to harm and denigrate others, now. (See William, William II, tors will often find it popping up German
how mathematics reduces the Henry I, Stephen, Henry II, pedagogue
who
world to a cold, clinical formula, Richard I, John, Henry III, Ed-
developed
and how literature only makes one ward I, Edward II, Richard II, the first
more intellectually acquainted with Henry IV, Henry V, Henry VI, kindergarten, and apparently
a proponent of sucking all
lifes myriad miseries. Those who Edward IV, Edward V, Richard the joy and innocence out of
avoid higher learning at the college III, Henry VII, Henry VIII, a human being as early as
possible.
level are also better off, as they nev- Edward VI, Philip, James I,
er have to grasp more complex Charles I, Charles II, James II,
and doubly depressingconcepts William III) Education is not
such as human psychology, the sys- Egg Sac, stylish purse used by fe- preparation for life;
tematic entrenchment throughout male spiders to carry around per- among the vineyards photographed education is life itself.
civilization of racism and religious sonal items, money, and thousands on a trip to Bordeaux, rising up John Dewey, in a terrible
piece of advice for people who
fanaticism, and the utter useless- of spiderlings. from the snow in the middle of the might wish to live a life not
consumed by anxiety and
ness and fallibility of knowledge Eiffel Tower, iconic wrought-iron Alps, or looming in the background dread.
itself. If an individual can reach tower that follows visiting tourists of the bed and breakfast run by that
adulthood without being educated, all around France in order to insert nice elderly couple in Aix-en-
he or she will never have to shoul- itself into every photo they take. Al- Provence. While many tourists
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E

Ancient Egypt
Civilization in northeastern Africa that gives reference volumes a chance to change up the
pace a little and break up the monotonous, text-heavy format with more graphical elements,
timelines, and a few callout boxes. Whether accentuated by a nice, colorful picture of Queen
Nefertiti, a photo of the Sphinx, or a random painting of a falcon-headed man, ancient Egypt,
which formed around the Nile River delta around in 3150 bc, affords encyclopedia editors a
terrific and legitimate opportunity to forget the boring blocks of text for a minute and just
show a cool picture of King Tuts gold bust. The ancient Egyptians developed advanced
irrigation systems and medicine, and are not only a godsend for encyclopedia writers who
want to spice things up a little with a picture of a stone-carved cat head, but for readers as well,
who are no doubt exhausted by dense scholarly text, and just want to kick back, relax, and
look at a picture of a mummy for a while.

How about some hieroglyphics, huh?

One of these
things should
probably be here.

Cant go wrong with a map of the Nile River. Beautiful.

Historically, encyclopedia
A depiction of the editors looking to visually add a
river goddess Taweret little pizzazz to their book show
makes a great addition an image of the most fucked-up
to entries on ancient looking mummy they can find,
Egpyt because its one where the skull is darkened,
interesting, and it there is only some semblance of
certainly has more teeth, and the face is all
visual appeal than an shriveled up like a raisin. This is
entry on, say, no exception.
Armistice.

LITTLE TIMELINE ACTION 3100 B.C. 25002100 2030

Unification under King Forgot to show a painting of Egyptian Middle Kingdom period
A timeline about ancient Narmer, but more agriculture above, so lets just put it here. begins. Heres a picture of
Egypt offers editors a chance importantly, heres a cat.
that bust of King Tut
to break the standard format we mentioned earlier.
by doing one of those longer
timelines that extends along
the bottom of both pages.

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E E

Not showing a picture of the

Sphinx would basically be
blowing a golden opportunity
to show a picture of the Sphinx.
On a side note: In any feature
about the Sphinx readers expect
a little factoid about its nose
and how it got that way.
HEY, LOOK
OVER HERE
Visually stunning, Queen
Nefertitis famous bust
allows encyclopedia
editors to fill the page
with something cool to
look at.

One of the Seven Wonders of the World,

the Great Pyramids of Giza look great
when cut out and will basically knock any Not going to get another
two-page spread out of the park. chance to show something
weird-looking like this until
Mythology, if were lucky.

EGYPT SIDEBAR
These are an essential part of any
Egypt entry. Heres why.
Tall, thin format leaves plenty of room

for other cool graphics.

Provides additional line of useful

information.
Allows for a quick mention of the sun

god Ra without getting bogged down in a

whole paragraph about him.
Last bullet point. Youre in, youre out,

now its on to the timeline.

1379 1274 1100 645 422

Monotony of timeline broken Battle of Kadesh. Empire split into Upper Picture of the Rosetta Stone. Bam! Not entirely sure what
with a line extending from the Only mentioned and Lower Egypt due to the 25th dynasty did
date that makes a couple because we had difference in customs and in terms of advancing
directional changes before access to a really dialect. Tensions between the culture, but it
leading reader to the actual nice painting of it. the two regions continue feels like we should
text. to this day, and to maintain end this thing on a
integrity there has to be poignant note.
some text that isnt
accompanied by a picture.

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E Albert Einstein to Emotion

attempt to lose the Eiffel Tower by that mass and energy are equiva- spectful, discussions about the pos-
taking a day trip into an adjacent lent, thereby disproving the laws of sible outcomes of the election and
country such as Germany or Spain, conservation and marking a pro- how it will be remembered in the
they inevitably find the structure found shift in the way average hu- larger historical context of democ-
waiting for them at the border the mans did not even vaguely compre- racy. Once a candidate is declared
moment they return. hend nor, honestly, give a flaming the winner, all voters, regardless of
Einstein, Albert (b. Mar. 14, 1879 shit about the nature of reality. political affiliation, dutifully throw
d. Apr. 18, 1955), German physicist Election, special day dedicated to their support behind the newly
whose theory of relativity com- celebrating the democratic process elected official and end the day with
pletely upended everything people in which citizens dress in their best a customary toast to government by
already didnt know about how the voting clothes, joyfully make their the people, for the people.
universe worked. By positing that way to their local polling places, Electric Guitar, stringed musical in-
space and time were not constant and, having carefully weighed the strument that needs to be turned
but exerted influence over each issues of the day and how they re- way up in the monitors right now.
other, Einstein turned on its head late to the greater good, cast their Nothing, still nothing, the electric
Electoral College, flawed
system that everyone agrees is the very basis of the Newtonian me- ballots to change the government guitar uses magnetic pickups to de-
obsolete, but is thankfully only chanics that for centuries people for the better. Since it is a national tect the minute vibrations of metal
used to elect the president of the had been utterly oblivious to and holiday, voters get Election Day off strings and amplifies the signal be-
United States.
could not have articulated if you from work so they may gather with fore sending it to a loudspeaker,
held a gun to their heads. Einsteins family and friends over a festive which only has sound coming out
famous equation E = mc2 asserts meal to engage in spirited, but re- of the left side, can we please do

Albert Einstein On War wont have the technology interplanetary fight that involves
I know not with what weapons available to develop the a series of concentrated beams
World War III will be fought, but high-powered weaponry that that differ in color. World War
World War IV will be fought World War III or even World XV will either be fought with an
with sticks and stones. Im 100 War I was fought with. Under- advanced polymer that adheres
percent sure of that. No stand? World War IX will be to the skin and impedes brain
question. World War V, on the fought with people who have function, or just guns. World
other hand, will be fought with gigantic, skull-shattering spikes War XVI? Beats the hell out of
the weapons that the Lagash and attached to their hands. World me. And World War XVII will be
Umma people fought with back War X will be fought between fought with sticks and stones
in 2525 bcspears, mostly. So five very big tanks. World War again.
thats World War V. World War XI will be fought virtually, but 1947
VI is a toughy, but Im fairly heres the interesting thing about
certain it will be fought with a that: When someone dies in the
mixture of guns and swords and virtual world, he also dies in the
ballistic missiles and probably real world. Pretty neat, right? I
some sort of intense nerve gas, think thats a neat little twist.
Elk, species of deer that like sarin gas or something. World War XII will be fought
thought it just heard someone Thats just what I think. Take it solely on horseback. World War
say its name. XIII will be fought with more
or leave it. World War VII? Now
were back to what World War advanced Sonic-Neural
III will be fought with, so like I Agitators. World War XIV is
said earlier, I dunno. World War definitely, definitely going to be
VIII is sticks and stones again fought, but as of now, Im hazy
the idea being that if the human on the weapons. Certainly not as
race is virtually wiped out in the hazy as I am on World War III,
previous world war, then if and because I do have a basic idea,
when it returns to being the its just not concrete yet. But it
dominant life-form on earth, it will probably be some sort of

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E E

something about this, Don? Its 10 vators is, on average, 51 percent up- their masters had called home for
minutes before doors. Early models ward and 49 percent downward, generations, the callous president
consisted of modified hollow- and is never at any point horizontal declared that all slaves in states re-
bodied acoustic guitars until inno- or circular in nature. Although belling against the Union were now
vators like Les Paul and Adolph some claim escalators technically free, mercilessly ripping apart the
Rickenbacker introduced the solid- constitute vertical movement, they ties forged between white land-
body guitar in the early 1930s, an differ from elevators in that they owners and the people they had
instrument never intended to be so move at a 45-degree angle, and are bought at auctionpeople who ELLIS ISLAND:
GATEWAY TO A BRAND-
far down in the goddamn mix. thus an entirely separate entity. were considered family from the NEW LIFE OF MISERY
Nope, still just drums and synth. Ellis Island, Upper New York Bay moment they were unloaded from 24,396: Elderly individuals
The electric guitar was first used in destination that from 1892 to 1954 West African cargo ships. The who stood in a line kind of
wishing theyd died on the boat
jazz big bands, and it has since be- served as a gateway to a new life for Emancipation Proclamation did
from Europe
come the quintessential rock-and- 16 million immigrants, and a sym- not apply to slaveholding border
320,000: Immigrant families
roll instrument, made famous by bol of how that new life was going states that remained part of the who did not smile during
the likes of Chuck Berry, Jimi Hen- to be really fucking horrible. New Union, an exemption that has led photos taken at Ellis Island
drix, and Eric Clapton, who would arrivals, who hailed from dozens of some to conclude that Lincoln, de- because they just realized they
made the biggest mistake of
never in a million years have to countries but were primarily Ger- spite his ruthlessness, at least had
their lives
put up with this amateur-hour man, Italian, or Irish, were ushered some small capacity for pity.
50: Number of people who
horseshit. into a cold, enormous hall by po- Emotion, complex state of feeling kind of enjoyed being prodded
Electricity, inexhaustible energy lice, stripped naked, deloused, and that must be kept in check if one and poked, and frankly wanted
source manufactured by the walls of left to wonder if this whole America ever hopes to get ahead at Walsh & some more
buildings. To tap into a walls elec- thing wasnt a terrible idea. As part McLachlan LLC. Fear, love, and 20,000: People who were not
tricity, a plug is placed inside a wall of the ensuing medical exam, immi- compassion are among the wide surprised at how badly they
were being treated, mainly
socket, which allows the naturally grants stood silently in long lines range of human emotions a person because they knew good and
occurring voltage to flow safely into and waited to have their eyelids is advised to leave at the door if he well they would be just as
an appliance or other device. Items turned inside out with a hook, sud- wants to run with Dan Walsh and xenophobic if millions of
immigrants were entering their
such as ceiling fans may also be denly realizing that if doctors were the big boys in corporate. Advances homeland
powered by electricity, as ceilings already treating them like animals, in modern neurology suggest emo-
2,000,000: Immigrants who
and floors are simply walls rotated regular Americans would probably tions are determined by genetic and experienced sense of nostalgia
90 degrees and therefore equally ca- treat them even worse. Approxi- environmental factors, with many while fondly recalling the
pable of producing unlimited ener- mately one-third of the U.S. popula- people, such as the hungry young horrible atrocities in their
homelands
gy. It is uncertain how electricity tion can trace its ancestry to Ellis reps in sales, displaying almost no
reaches light bulbs, however, or if Island, which since 1990 has emotion. Some exhibit what are de-
the source of their illumination is housed a museum where people fined as emotional weaknesses by
electrical in nature at all. can see the exact spot upon which claiming that its too stressful and
Electrolyte, clinical name for Yel- their grandparents dreams of a bet- this is not the way they wanted to
low No. 2 food coloring. ter life were destroyed. get ahead, though such individuals
Elephant, large, heavy, plant-eating E-Mail, system of electronic mes- would do well to remember this is a
mammal that is an elephant. sage delivery that marries the thrill business, pure and simple. Other
Elevator, automated mode of con- of composing a letter with the thrill common emotions include pity,
veyance that accounts for 85 per- of operating a mouse. empathy, and understanding, all of
cent of the worlds slow vertical Emancipation Proclamation, 1863 which should be kissed goodbye
movement. Composed of a passen- executive order by President Abra- right-fucking-now because there
ger car, a shaft, and a system of ham Lincoln that, in one brutal are potential clients coming in from
counterweights and pulleys, eleva- stroke, tore asunder the lifelong Japan any minute, and if one cant
tors make up the vast majority of emotional bonds between slaves pull it together and bring his A-
the planets straight up-and-down and their owners. Safely sheltered game, then old man McLachlan
travel, far outstripping trampolines in the White House, far from the himself is going to come down here
and rockets. The movement of ele- sunny plantations that slaves and and slap him like a bitch in front of
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E Emphysema to Everglades

the entire division. Individuals who Though many see the Empire State nances in order to deceive investors
successfully suppress or conceal Building as a testament to man- and increase their own personal
their emotions will eventually be kinds ingenuity and perseverance, wealthgreedy, selfish behavior
rewarded with a corporate card, a those who must go there day after that millions of adult Americans
six-figure salary, and a personal in- day view it as a 365,000-ton monu- could not imagine incredibly rich
vitation from Walsh to come out to ment to the murder of imagination and successful businessmen would
his cottage next summer. and vanquishing of the human ever be capable of. The resulting
Emphysema, condition in which spirit. bankruptcy cost shareholders bil-
the air sacs of the lungs become en- Encouragement, words of hope lions of dollars and destroyed em-
larged and, rather than giving one and guidance spoken only to people ployees retirements in a collapse
the ability to stay underwater twice you know will never outdo you. that shook the public to its core and
as long, which you might expect, End Table, small table placed near a caused it to lose faith in the ethical
instead cause breathlessness. sofa that is unnecessary until a per- standards of major corporations for
Empire State Building, 102-story son reaches the age of 34. Prior to almost three days.
Embryo, early stage in animal building that is impressive in its turning 34, thoughts of owning an Entrepreneur, individual who em-
development when the immature
organism first starts to hate the
dominance of the New York City end table never enter ones mind, barks upon an independent busi-
sound of its parents voices. skyline until one gets inside and and items such as books, water ness venture but who might still be
realizes that its filled with gray, glasses, and magazines can simply able to get his old job back if he
windowless offices and old, filthy be placed on the floor next to the catches Mr. Schaefer on a good
carpet. While the street-level interi- day and apologizes. As owner of a
or includes a breathtaking art deco new enterprise, an entrepreneur
marble lobby that is a designated assumes a far greater risk than a
city landmark, everything from the salaried employee and totally un-
second floor up is teeming with of- derstands why Mr. Schaefer might
fice supply salesmen; bitter, burned- be reluctant to rehire him, but will
do whatever it takes to regain his
trust. The entrepreneur, well aware
that in this economy there are plen-
ty of qualified people who would
couch or wherever. As soon as ones happily take his place, is entirely re-
34th birthday is reached, however, a sponsible for raising capital, mar-
certain order must be maintained keting, and hiring, and will take a
and an end table becomes essential. pay cut if Mr. Schaefer says so be-
By the time one turns 41, it is abso- cause he cant be out of work much
lutely crucial that a potted plant be longer, he just cant. French in ori-
placed atop the end table. gin, the word entrepreneur means
Enron, former Houston-based en- one who undertakes and reflects
ergy company whose executives an entrepreneurs willingness to
shocked Americans when it came beg, if necessary, for a second
to light in 2001 that the powerful chance due to the fact he has two
multimillionaires actually cared young daughters and his wife hasnt
more about making money than the worked in more than a year either.
needs of their customers or em- Please, Mr. Schaefer. Please.
ployees. U.S. citizens were stunned Environment, tattered remains of
out tax lawyers; and a shuffling and horrified to learn that president the natural world. The environ-
mass of mid-level professionals Jeffrey Skilling and CEO Kenneth ment encompasses not only the last
stuck in dead-end jobs they blankly Lay (men who rose to the top of a intact shreds of the earths physical
toil away at under the maddening Fortune 500 corporation, of all peo- features, including the smattering of
buzz of sickly fluorescent lights. ple) had misrepresented Enrons fi- wetlands that have not been drained
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E E

bone-dry, but also the last few ex- niques such as grattage, in which litical organization founded in 1993
amples of the flora and fauna that paint is scraped across the canvas to with the intention of helping mem-
inhabit these areas, including the reveal objects below, and frottage, a ber nations ruin each other without
handful of animals that have not method for Actually, just level resorting to war.
been hunted to extinction or slowly with us here, Ernst: It didnt matter Evaporation, process by which liq-
deprived of their food sources and what the hell you painted because uid turns to vapor and rises into the
starved to death. The environment you knew good and well that so air, never to return.
is one of a growing number of issues long as you were slipping it to one Everest, Mount, tallest mountain in
facing humanity, notably the futile, of the nations greatest patrons of the world, considered the ultimate
animalistic scrambling for the few the arts, you could have sold Miss challenge for people who like chal-
remaining scraps of wealth and em- Megabucks any old sack of garbage. lenges that really dont help anyone.
ployment sometimes known as the One of Ernsts most famous works At 29,035 feet, the Himalayan peak
economy. was Forest And Dove, and look, Peg- is among the most dangerous on MAX ERNST
Envy, feeling of desire or covetous- gy Guggenheim wasnt exactly a the planet, drawing individuals Hmm, wonder how Ubu Imperator
found its way into Paris world-
ness for the possessions or social knockout, Max. We know it. You from across the globe who seek to renowned Muse National dArt
statuses of others that completely know it. Everyone knows it. So just test their limits in the most self- Moderneany ideas, Mr.
Guggenheim?
resolves itself into blissful happi- cut the shit, admit you married for indulgent manner possible and to
ness for the rest of ones life once fame and fortune, and well drop it. forgo such formidable undertakings
those possessions or social statuses At least be man enough to do that. as ending homelessness in their
are obtained. Escalator, moving staircase in- community or halting the destruc-
Equator, imaginary line on the vented to prevent the stores on the tion of the Amazon Rain Forest in
earth separating the shitty countries second floors of American malls order to ascend the treacherous
from the asshole countries. from going out of business. mountain and applaud themselves.
Equatorial Guinea Genocide, de- Espionage, another thing that used While estimates vary, some 3,100
cent little medium-sized genocide to involve sex but now just happens climbers are believed to have suc-
that lasted from 1968 to 1979. on computers. cessfully summited Mount Everest,
Nothing too crazy, just a power- Esplanade, long, open area typi- an accomplishment that has forever
crazed dictator killing about 80,000 cally by the seaside that is perfect changed the lives of some 3,100
people. for hearing Duncan Sheik at a free climbers.
Ernst, Max (b. Apr. 2, 1891 d. Apr. 1, Earth Day concert. Everglades, vast expanse of marsh-
1976), German surrealist painter Euclid (b. circa 323 bc d. circa 283 land in Florida that, as such, is con-
who was once married towell, bc), Greek mathematician known sidered the cultural and intellectual
well, well, what do you know? as the Father of Geometry and to center of the state. With more than
millionaire heiress and art patron- whom it is necessary to swear an 2.4 million acres of wetland and a EVERGLADES
Compared to the rest of the state, a
ess Peggy Guggenheim! Hmm, oath before drawing a shape. wide array of plant life including virtual Renaissance is occurring in
pretty convenient for a struggling European Union, economic and po- saw grass and mangrove trees, the the Florida Everglades.

artist, eh, Max? Known for experi-

menting with such source materials
as school textbooks, educational
placards, and mail-order catalogs,
wouldnt you agree, Maxy, that it
waswhats the word?oppor-
tune that the one true love of your
life not only really liked buying ab-
stract and surrealist paintings, but
was also capable of skyrocketing
your art career? Just seems like a Everest is the supreme
pretty perfect setup for you is all. test for anyone seeking a
pointless, self-centered
Anyway, Ernst pioneered tech- obstacle to overcome.
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E Evolution to Fascism

Everglades has been dubbed the genetic traits and mental capacity miracles, supernatural beings, spir-
Florence of Florida, owing to its necessary to reject the clear-cut evi- its, angels, and a fantastical geologic
status as a focal point of aesthetic dence that they evolved from other timeline. To date, the worlds most
achievement and advanced think- organisms, those with intricately advanced organisms often look
ing found virtually nowhere else in down on those who have not yet
the area. Wildlife such as egrets, al- evolved an ability to willfully ignore
ligators, foxes, and turtles are just evolution and the scientific data be-
some of the animals that congregate hind it, and consequently believe
in the Everglades for the intellectual they are all going straight to hell.
and artistic stimulation that cannot Ewing, Patrick (b. Aug. 5, 1962),
be found anywhere else on the Flor- worthless living organism that did
ida peninsula, save for a landfill out- not win a single National Basketball
side Gainesville. Association championship from
Evolution, biological change over developed nervous systemsthe 1985 to 2002.
time in which single-celled pro- inarguable result of billions of years Examining Table, piece of furniture
karyotes develop into complex of speciation and various genetic a doctor rolls out from under before
organisms with brains advanced recombinationsare capable of getting up, wiping his oily hands on
enough to deny any facts that intellectualizing vast, wholly made- a rag, and telling the patient his
support the theory of evolution. up histories of how they came into parathyroid gland is completely
Exorcism, act of presenting a
While early life-forms lacked the being, complete with implausible shot.
well-reasoned argument against
the existence of God to someone Existentialism, philosophical
who claims to be possessed by a movement that emphasizes the
demon, causing them to stop and EYE, each of a pair of globular sensory organs in the head through need for man to create his own
realize how silly all that which animals see, with most humans shedding their deciduous
convulsing must have looked. meaning in an ultimately unfath-
or babyset when they are between the ages of 6 and 12. Eyes
convert light into electrochemical impulses that can then be omable universe, even if it takes a
interpreted by the brain, a function that improves after the pair of couple of extra minutes.
eyes a person is born with becomes loose and is gradually pushed Expatriate, person who has about a
out of the skull during preadolescence as his or her permanent eyes year and a half before he is consid-
begin to grow in. Impatient children will sometimes tie a loose ered an enormous asshole in his
eyeball to a doorknob with dental floss and then slam the door,
new culture as well.
dislodging the temporary organ; additionally, if baby eyes become
impacted, an optometrist may remove them from the socket with a Explosion, violent burst of energy
chisel and affix stainless steel braces to ensure the adult eyes come produced by the interaction of
in straight. combustible materials that is re-
Retina
quired to resolve the story lines of
Iris
Part of eye movie all movies, books, and plays.
Thin tissue whose pigment
Cornea producers are most
actual careers and livelihoods
Absolutely horrible concerned with pleasing
have been based on
things were done when putting together
to this during the sizzle reels
Spanish Inquisition

Optic Nerve
Will often double-check
Pupil with the retina to ensure
Small, dilating thats your actual
hole that allows checking account
light to hit the balance its seeing
retina out of
some weird
control issue
that it has

Lens
Transparent structure
that uses an incredibly Vitreous Gel
hot beam of light to Responsible for the squooshing
char an image onto the sound one hears when processing
retina large amounts of visual information

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E F

Facebook, annual compendium of the annual editions, which could treating someone unfairly, mainly

F
profiles of nearly everyone on the also be obtained via mail-order sub- because its kind of enjoyable to see
planet that was first published in scription. Facebook went through someones face when theyre being
1655 and finally went online in many changes, such as the accord- treated poorly for no reason what-
2004. Founded in the Bavarian re- ion envelope sleeve attached to soever. When people are being
gion of present-day Germany by a each persons profile in 1974 to treated unfairly, their expression be-
printer named Johan Zuckerberg, hold personal photos for others to comes confused, bewildered, and
the first edition of Facebook col- view, and an option added in 1986 angry. Their body tenses up and
lected woodcuts of anyone who in which a subscriber could share sometimes they begin to cry be- Ff ..
wished to participate, and printed music by attaching a portable cause they know an injustice is Sixth letter of the modern
alongside each of their images a list casette player to a friends profile. being done to them on purpose, English alphabet, transferred
of their individual interests, their Mark Zuckerberg, a distant relative purely for the satisfaction of seeing to that position after a
disappointing three-year stint
level of schooling, and short, light- of the publications founder, them react exactly how theyre re-
as a whole number. It was
hearted messages directed at friends launched the digital version, acting. One typically doesnt get to thought that F would be more
who were also included in Face- www.facebook.com, in 2004 while enjoy something like that when one useful situated between 8 and
book. During World War II, the attending Harvard University, and is being fair. 9 in the Arabic numeral
system, a disastrous mistake
Zuckerberg family moved the pub- the physical printing of the com- Fascism, authoritarian political
that resulted in hundreds of
lication to Northern California, and pendium was discontinued in 2006. ideology based on organic social billions of counting and
in 1947, began hiring legions of Fairness, absence of bias toward solidarity and functional distinc- calculation errors worldwide
and caused unprecedented
door-to-door salesmen to peddle another that is a lot less fun than tion of roles among individuals.
damage to the global
Originally conceived by Italian economy. F s failure came as
nationalists during World War I, a surprise to many, as the
FASHION, trends in dress designed to accommodate grotesque former letter 3 had thrived as
fascism espouses many tenets that
periodic mutations in human anatomy. Past fashions have included a numeral for nearly eight
Elizabethan ruffs worn to prevent blood loss during an era in which appeal to those who value action
centuries.
humans had no neck skin; porkpie hats that were donned from the and a mans spirit over materialism,
1920s to the 1950s to conceal the nonfunctional fingers that grew egalitarianism, and other dangerous
from the heads of men during those years; and the flared bell-bottom ideas that can weaken a nations
pant cuffs that allowed room for peoples hideously tumescent ankles, very foundation. Misunderstood by
which, in the 1970s, could swell up to 30 pounds. Cities such as New
many, fascism is based on the iron
York, Paris, and Milan are considered the fashion capitals of the
world, often unveiling cutting-edge styles for deformities years before will of the people, harnessed to bring
they afflict the general public. glory to ones country through
industry and an unwavering com-
mitment to loyalty and discipline.
Fascism often demands a cleansing
of inferior individuals and ethnic
groups who cannot or will not con-
tribute to a unified country and
whose insistence on continued au-
tonomy and cultural identity only
holds back the TRUE sons and
daughters of the great nation from
fulfilling their destinies and receiv-
ing their due reward of a Utopian
collectivist society. The fascist political
system demands these undesirables be FACEBOOK
In 1655, the process of updating
PURGED while external enemies of
ones original Facebook profile could
the nation must contend with the NA- take months or even years,
depending on how long the request
TIONS GREAT WAR MACHINE,
Trends in fashion come and go with humanitys passing horrific mutations. took to reach Germany.
FUELED BY IRON AND BLOOD,
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F

Faded Black
American rock and roll band from Lincoln, Nebraska, led by singer
and lyricist Danny Walker and backed by guitarists Mike Rust and
Kellan Grotrian, bassist David Boardman, and drummer Josh
Chapin. Faded Blacks radio-ready sound has entertained Lincoln-
area music fans since 2007, incorporating elements of hard rock,
alternative rock, and heavy metal into a singular style the band has
dubbed new edge rock. By combining a layered guitar sound with
Chapins powerful, frenetic drumming and Walkers strong baritone
vocals, Faded Black has crafted a sound that is rooted in a number
of modern rock traditions but remains distinctively its own. While
the dual-guitar assault of power-chord specialists Rust and Grotrian
owes much to such hard rock and metal progenitors such as
Metallica and Iron Maiden, when coupled with the unmistak- product of two years worth of live performance and songwriting,
ably melodic bass figures of Boardman and Walkers agile, the album furthers the musical ideas explored on Faded Blacks
multi-octave vocal range, the bands music resists easy debut while also remaining faithful to the bands original sound.
categorization. In spite, or perhaps because, of its With its iconic album cover depicting a leafless tree in the midst
variety, Faded Black has attracted a loyal regional of a barren field, Save Yourself featured the largest collection of
following that it hopes to one day extend nation- original material yet released by the band, including
ally with a series of small-venue concert tours. such eventual concert staples as War Inside,
Faded Black issued a self-titled debut EP in Forbidden Feelings, and the title track, of which a
2008a recording that sold out its limited live acoustic version recorded at the Westfield
300-copy runand in April 2010 the band Gateway Mall can be viewed on YouTube under the
released its first full-length album, Save Yourself, title Faded Black - Save Yourself (Acoustic). The
which can be found at the CD Warehouse in band has recently released a follow-up LP, Here In The
Lincoln and is also available for download. The Dark, which it plans to support with a multi-city tour.

INFLUENCES ELISHA ANDERSEN

Faded Black has publicly cited a number of primary Often regarded as Faded Blacks
influences on its music, including the work of Alice in sixth member, band manager
Chains, Three Days Grace, and Godsmack, but close Elisha Andersen has been with the
LIVE PERFORMANCES group since nearly the beginning,
inspection of their recordings and live performances The group is noted for performing live at a number
also yields comparisons to post-grunge bands such as overseeing its tour schedule and
of popular music venues in Lincoln, Omaha, and business operations, while also
Crossfade, My Darkest Days, and Shinedown. beyond, including: acting as a sort of steadying
The question of influence, while undoubtedly central influence over the bands various
Knickerbockers mercurial talents. While she rarely
in the discussion of any modern rock band, is often The Grove
difficult to parse within the context of Faded Black, interferes with the bands surefire
The Point After (2010 Halloween show featuring
whose music is known for its highly inclusive sound. creative process, she is often looked
Make Se7en and No Quarter) to by Faded Black for guidance as
One can find traces of hundreds of groups from the Sokol Underground
past 30 years in their songs, although never so they navigate the music industrys
Harrahs Casino (Council Bluffs, Iowa)
conspicuously as to distract from the bands unique sometimes treacherous waters.
The Garage
chemistry. Elisha can be reached by e-mail at
The Firehouse
fadedblackmusic@yahoo.com.

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E F

AND MOVING EVER FORWARD FBI case involves monitoring crimi- whole of the Earth. Scholars have
TO THE GOAL OF THE NA- nals, filing for warrants, requesting for decades attempted to theorize
TIONS RIGHTFUL EMINENCE! wiretaps, transcribing wiretaps, re- about its nature, but it is widely ac-
E QUANDO ATTRAVERSO filing for warrants, filing reports on cepted that none can know the
LUNIT MORALE LANIMA DI information obtained from wire- mind of the Federal Reserve, a con-
UN POPOLO SALVA, SALVA taps or additional interrogations, cept and power far too vast to be
ANCHE LA SUA INTEGRIT copying files for supervisors, re- comprehended. The Fed is capable
TERRITORIALE E LA SUA INDI- questing additional administrative of altering whole economies with
PENDENZA POLITICA! support, filing said requests, the merest adjustment of the Prime
FBI, American domestic intelli- amending requests to match appro- Lending Rate, a magical number
gence agency tasked with investi- priate filing protocols, submitting through which some believe the
gating more than 200 categories of additional files to obtain informa- Federal Reserve sends humanity
federal crimes, filing detailed re- tion from other government agen- clues as to its true will and inten-
ports on them, writing summary cies, processing criminals, filing tion. Despite the inherently incom-
reports, filing those summaries that, and eventually filing a final re- prehensible nature of the Federal
with appropriate officials, and then port to shut down the case. Reserve, faith and hope are put into
filing any conclusive results of its Federal Reserve, mystical and un- it unquestionably, as it works in
investigations. FBI headquarters in knowable force behind American mysterious ways to carry out some
Washington stores several million money and wealth. A centralized cosmic plan outside our ken as
case files, and more than 400 bu- coalition of regional banks, the mortals, especially when it comes
reau offices around the United Fed, as it is known to adherents, is to fluctuations in the bond market.
States employ agents tasked with unseen but omnipresent, imbuing Fermi, Enrico (b. Sept. 29, 1901
handling local cases, filing their its essence into every financial d. Nov. 28, 1954), scientist who suc-
findings, and submitting copies of transaction, investment, or collater- cessfully split the atom after years of
the files to headquarters. A typical alized debt obligation across the practice splitting oranges.

FENCING, pre-choreographed bladed combat sport in which one fencer attempts to immobilize an
opponent by pinning him or her to the ground for a period of three counts.

1. Put opponent in sleeper hold, strike 2. Dragon suplex opponent onto foil 3. Climb to top of turnbuckle, elbow drop
with foil once opponent has fallen asleep opponent, strike opponent with foil

4. Tag in fencing partner, partner 5. Retrieve folding chair from 6. After experiencing a sudden burst of rage-fueled
restrains opponent, strike opponent judges, break over opponents back energy following an illegal ambush by various
with foil bad-guy fencers, chokeslam opponents loudmouth
manager, chokeslam opponents girlfriend,
chokeslam any other fencer who took part in
ambush, chase main opponent with foil toward
locker room, get prepared to face opponent during
next Sundays fencing pay-per-view

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F

Family aunt whos going through a really rough

Social entity related by kinship that is patch, a cousin whos doing good all things
divided among those who are doing all right considered, and a grandfather whos holding
and those who are a little off. In the Western up pretty well but who obviously misses
world, the standard family unit is the nuclear Dolores. The exact makeup of a family varies
family, generally understood as a household across cultures, but it commonly contains a
in which a mother whos hanging in there, a number of uncles who have been dealing
father who just doesnt want to talk about it with their own stuff and at least one niece
right now, and one or more children and nephew, both of whom are good kids
cohabitate. Outside the immediate home, but struggle sometimes, you know?
extended family members may include an

TYPES OF
MARRIAGE
Monogamy
Relationship in which two
people agree not to subject
any other people to themselves

Monogamy Plus Veronica

Sometimes
Exclusive marriage to one
person except for occasions
when Veronicas in town and its
possible to get away from
ones spouse for a couple of
hours

Omnigamy
Practice of being married to
every person on the planet

Origamy
Marriage between one person
and a spouse of delicately
folded paper

Happy Marriage
Marriage in which both
partners are able to look past
their doubts about choosing
the right spouse whenever
TYPES OF FAMILIES someone better looking, more
successful, smarter, healthier,
Patriarchal: Family type in which all Aviarchal: Family system led by a bird. Extended Family: Additional relatives or with less insane parents
other members must physically carry In most cases, a parakeet or a canary has who live with the nuclear family until walks by
the father from one room of the house authority over all of the familys they either die or get back on their feet
Polygamy
to the other whenever he requests this decisions concerning finances,
Carolines Family: Honestly, they were Practice of taking more than
be done household rules, and birdseed. one husband or wife at once
the best. Rich and Patti were always
that is generally considered
Matriarchal: Family in which the Nuclear Family: Family unit consisting welcoming, and Bobby used to be down ridiculous by women and that
mother drives and the father sits in the of a mother who never mentions the for shooting hoops every Fourth of July men consider worthy of
passengers seat baby she gave up for adoption when she barbecue. Almost as easy to miss as constructing a society, culture,
and religion around
was 18, a father who does not Caroline
Anarchal: Family system defined by
acknowledge his ex-wife and three kids
total chaos and no defined relationships; Family of Products: A commercial unit
he has in Utah, and their children
each family member determines who consisting of one or more parent
they are related to and to what extent Captivarchal: Family led by a man who products, usually referred to as the
has broken into their home and is Original, Classic, Standard, or Premium.
holding them at gunpoint

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E F

FAMILY
RELATIONS Grandfather
Grandmother
Has terrible arthritis and hes going
Also called grammy, gammy,
in to have some skin tags removed,
mawmaw, mema, mom-mom,
but hes still really with it and funny,
mimi, and whole bunch of other
and sharp. Very sharp. But hes
stupid names that sound foolish
getting older, thats for sure.

Aunt Godmother
Uncle
Family member whom youve Woman entrusted to care for a child
Man who put many of the
only pushed to the point of in the event both parents died in a
same characteristics your
screaming at you one time, freak accident involving a tandem
father has to better use
but man, was that scary inner tube, a wide turn, and a jetty

Mother
Father
Responsible for at least one of Uncle
Allows his kids to call him by his
your erections. You know exactly Fathers college
first name in families where he
when it was and why, so dont friend who
isnt doing a very good job
pretend otherwise. every so often
shows up
unannounced
Cousin with box of
Child of an aunt and Roman candles
uncle who makes a
very well-reasoned
and compelling case
for a sleepover

Second
Cousin
Cody? Was
that his Sister
name? Female survivor of brothers
Heathers attempt to suffocate her when
brother. she was two
Yeah, Cody.

Sister-In-Law
Made that awesome
Brother
Person who is perpetually
You Nephew
Person one is unsure how to
comment at dinner that two Indian burns away reprimand when this person is
made everyone feel just from spazzing completely doing something really bizarre
great about their lives. and getting everybody in or disgusting
Fucking bitch. trouble

Niece
Spouse Son Daughter
Family member that aunts
Provisional husband or wife Male child Child who is
or uncles who were too
taken before another who slowly currently
self-absorbed to have
husband or wife is selected turns into his doing some
kids of their own think of
father by not odd spinning
as their daughter
living up to dance next
his fathers to the
expectations refrigerator

People Incorrectly Staff at Zuelke Heating and Air Other inhalant abusers in rehab Rest of the cast of Byram Hills Brothers, sisters, mother, father,
Referred To As Family Conditioning High School Production of Kiss if one is unaware he or she is
Me, Kate adopted

75

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F Fetal Alcohol Syndrome to Flounder Night

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, congeni- in a massive database containing Delano DeLunatic Roosevelt and
tal condition caused by heavy alco- millions of unique owls, which are his sidekicks, the Oval Office Nut-
hol consumption among fetuses. categorized according to cuteness. house. Each week, millions gath-
The prenatal syndrome often leads This database also improves coor- ered around their radios for the
to adverse health consequences that dination between law enforcement enormously popular Fireside Chats,
can include impaired memory, im- agencies by allowing federal and lo- so named because of Roosevelts
pulsive behavior, poor decision- cal investigators to remotely search, catchphrase, Now thats a hot
making, severe hangovers during identify, and trade their favorite tamale! which was invariably fol-
Fedora, article of clothing a
person wears to signify that you the third trimester, and showing up owls. lowed by a crackling fire sound
will have absolutely nothing in to birth late or completely messed Fire, rapid oxidation of combusti- effect and a loud foghorn blast. His
common with that person. up. Ultrasound research has shown ble material that the editors of this parody songs, such as Put Em On
that unborn children who binge book have all stuck their hands into The Tits and Youve Got Me
drink in the womb are far more for a full minute in order to fully ap- Under Your Skirt, had a huge influ-
likely to violently break empty li- preciate its true power and terrible ence on future shock jock How-
quor bottles against the uterus wall majesty. Though the enormous ard Stern, and were so profane the
and commit suicide by hanging benefit and potential dangers of fire FCC was created in response. The
themselves with their umbilical have been known to humanity for program ran from 1933 until FDRs
cords. Many physicians believe thousands of years, it is impossible tragic on-air death in 1945, when he
teaching zygotes about the dangers to understand, really understand, was crushed by a nude 500-pound
of alcohol abuse and cracking down fire without plunging ones hands woman who accidentally fell on
on fake ID use by underage fetuses into it and holding them there as him while farting The Star-Span-
can help prevent this condition. the flesh blisters, blackens, and gled Banner.
FINGERPRINT
Filibuster, type of congressional shrivels away. All readers with an Fishing Hook, barbed piece of
procedure that allows any member interest in fire should do likewise, as metal that is the most
of the U.S. Senate to take the floor even the most vivid textual descrip- dangerous object known
and talk until the country is de- tion cannot approach the knowl- to man. Ranking above
stroyed by political stagnation. Use edge that comes with smelling ones the M-80, the switch-
of the filibuster represents a sena- own charred skin and muscle as it blade, the bazooka, and
tors explicit privilege to exercise a sloughs off the bone. the pit bull on the Marca-
time-honored tradition of the es- Fireside Chats, radio program that do Hazard Scale, the fish-
teemed legislative body that affords lifted American spirits during the ing hook is feared in every culture
him or her the opportunity to cause Great Depression and World War and should be avoided at any cost,
An adorable little owl made from the the government to cease effectively II, hosted by President Franklin especially if its a rusty fishing hook,
bloody fingerprint of a father who
murdered his wife and three young functioning and drive the nation
children. into the ground in the name of pet-
ty bipartisan squabbling.
Fingerprint, visible impression of
the surface of a human finger used
in law enforcement to create little
owls on paper. To document a fin-
gerprint, the police forensic techni-
cian evenly coats a suspects fingers
with ink, presses the digits carefully
onto a card to avoid smudging the
pattern, and then uses a marker to
The massive database of tiny owls draw eyes, a beak, talons, and occa-
provides police with hours of
sionally pointy tufts of feathers on
amusement.
top of the head. Digital scanners Franklin DeLunatic Roosevelt cheers up the nation by allowing his President of
then capture the images for storage Vice, Stinky Winky, to sign Donna Dumplings' kazongas into law.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E F

FOOD, any substance that is ingested by an organism to supply its flight, or to regulate the organisms metabolic activity, or because the
body with nutrients, or to stimulate critical phases of growth and organism works at a restaurant and its basically free, or because the
development within the organism, or because it just tastes good even organisms aunt made a lot and turning it down would make her feel
though the organism isnt really all that hungry, or because theres bad, or, in certain instances, because the organism used to have issues
only a little left in the package. Typically consisting of plant or animal with bingeing and still occasionally slips. At its most basic level, food
matter, food is instinctively sought and consumed by an organism to is ingested to maintain life-sustaining functions, often because an
provide itself with energy, or because the organisms boyfriend just organism anticipates getting absolutely hammered later in the night
left for good, or to kill time while the organism waits for a connecting and needs something to absorb all the alcohol.

Eating Disorders
Dairy Anorexia: Practice of self-starvation
Fruits Pus product squirted out of the in order to obtain the ideal form of
Sweet and plentiful food infected, sore-covered udders an unhealthy, sallow-complected,
Fats And Oils 65-pound, bone-protruding figure,
Group that is items, fruits come in a wide of domesticated mammals
variety of flavors ranging comparable to that of an 11-year-old
generally prepubescent boy
consumed by from Screamin Sour to
sipping olive oil, Razz-Apple Magic
Vegetables Overeating: Eating disorder
gnawing on a Can be diagnosed the second one uses his
stick of butter, or consumed either index finger to scoop up the
pigging out on a raw or dipped in remaining ranch dressing out of a
tub of lard heated bowl
butterscotch
Bulimia: Eating disorder in which
one takes control of ones life
through vomiting recently ingested
food. And with so few opportunities
in this life to have actual, real
control, its a pretty good idea.
Grain
Foods such Bulimia Tarsalis: Variant of bulimia
as bread, where the person uses his or her foot
bread, bread, to stimulate the gag-reflex and
and bread. induce vomiting after consuming
Also can be food
found in
toasted bread Disassembled Rumination: Regurgitation and
and bread. Bicycle Group re-mastication of already chewed
Vitamin-rich small food, which is somewhat
Meat bicycle components, understandable because food is so
Flesh of an animal that probably including bolts, spokes, good that one probably wants to eat
Ugh, Raisins and sawed-off
wouldve loved to have sat down with it again, but why not just eat a bunch
10 to 14 servings a day of handlebar segments
you and helped you figure out an more food?
fucking raisins
alternative source of protein

which is 1 million times more dan- bugs and was deemed obsolete after moval of the tent causes the floor to
gerous than a normal one. Should a just two years of service. revert back to the ground. When in
fishing hook get stuck in ones eye, Flirting, act of raising one eyebrow, buildings, floors can be stacked on
its pretty much over for that curling a lip, and slowly licking the top of one another, sometimes in
individual. top lip back and forth three to four excess of 100 times. Between these
Fission, nuclear reaction in which times. floors is a space in which people ei-
one nucleus is split into two smaller Floor, flat surface to walk or stand ther live or work. Surfaces of floors
nuclei and 100,000 people die. on found in a room. Floors can are covered with rugs or carpets,
Fleischer, Ari, Series 7 communica- be hardwood, laminate, linoleum, and can be further ornamented
tions humanoid developed by the ceramic-tiled, bamboo, vinyl sheet, with tables and chairs. Sitting di-
U.S. government to serve as White rubber, cork, dirt, or made of some rectly on floors is possible.
Fireplace, structure responsible
House press secretary during the other material. Though floors are Flounder Night, popular American
for people not freaking out about
presidency of George W. Bush. the opposite of ceilings, they can tradition in which a family spends there being a large fire in the
Though state-of-the-art when first only exist in ceiling-covered loca- an evening celebrating recent good middle of their living room.
released, the Fleischer model soon tions; for example, the area at the fortune, such as a promotion, birth,
displayed a number of mechanical bottom of a tent is a floor, but re- or graduation, by either springing
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F Fly-Fishing to Aretha Franklin

for some flounder at the flounder

shop and throwing it on the grill or AMERICANS CAN BE PROUD THEY
DIDNT ACTUALLY ELECT THIS GUY
heading to a fine flounderhouse Gerald Ford
downtown. (b. July 14, 1913 d. Dec. 26, 2006), 38th
Fly-Fishing, recreational activity in American president and most prominent native
which fish take pity on sad, middle- of Grand Rapids, Michigan, until the emer-
aged men wearing waders and pre- gence of the R&B/funk group DeBarge in the
tend to fall for their little fake-fly mid-1980s. The only person to serve as both vice president and
president without having been elected to either office, Ford was
ruse. The fish take turns nibbling
the favorite son of Grand Rapids for many years before being
on the fly in order to ramp up the eclipsed by DeBarge, who produced such catchy, chart-topping
ONLY A COUPLE MORE
TIL LINCOLN excitement for the poor old guy hits as Whos Holding Donna Now and Rhythm Of The
Millard Fillmore who had to beg his wife for three Night. Although Ford would never reclaim the honor of most-
(b. Jan. 7, 1800 d. Mar. 8, weeks for permission to spend a celebrated Grand Rapids native from DeBargewhose lead
1874), 13th president of the single afternoon with his buddies. singer El DeBarge also achieved solo success with the top-10
United States, who convinced dance-pop song Whos Johnnyhe remains an admired figure
One fish eventually agrees to swal-
the North and South to hold in the city and has several buildings named after him.
low the hook and engage in a tug-
off on the Civil War for 11
years by arguing it would be of-war so that the rapidly graying
better for the whole country if man will have a gripping story to re- prevent him from remembering his mental faculties to run a successful
the conflict were handled by member fondly as his far younger kids names, but will cause chronic business as a second career, is able
future president Abraham boss belittles him in front of the en- depression so severe that he will at- to kick the ball through the uprights
Lincoln. The last member of tire division, and to share repeated- tempt suicide within a decade of located in the back of the end zone.
the Whig Party to hold high
ly with his equally depressing retirement. Points can also be accu- Footloose, 1984 film and 2011 re-
office, Fillmore saw early on
that tensions between the friends. The fish ultimately allows mulated if a teams kicker, who will make about a small town that bans
rival factions were reaching a itself to be caught, sacrificing itself live happily into his 80s with a lov- dancing, although hand jobs are
breaking point, and he freely so that the sad man may experience ing wife and family and have the still totally legal, so its unclear why
admitted in speeches that he a moment of triumph before start-
was not the man to be in ing the long drive back to the life Protective Football Equipment
charge of a country about to
that will be exactly as miserable as
enter a war that would be far
bloodier than World War I, or he left it.
handle the racial upheaval Football, full-contact sport in
and Reconstruction period to which a team of 11 men who will Shoulder
Pads
followtasks he said would not live to see 60 attempt to ad- Prevent
be better managed by a vance a ball into an opponents
splintering
collarbones
big-time president with the from shooting
scoring area or end zone, while the Helmet
clout and stature of a Teddy Protective head covering that out of the
Roosevelt or an FDR. opposing teamalso composed of allows football players to have body and into
a string of severely debilitating the stands Jersey
During his 1852 State of the players who are doing irreparable concussions instead of one Features team logo and colors and
persons name stitched on back to
Union address, Fillmore damage to their bodiestries to life-ending brain trauma
help coroners identify the player,
famously said that the stop them. Running on legs that in a who is usually mangled beyond
upcoming Civil War was recognition
few years will be nonfunctioning Gloves
clearly Lincolns moment to What
husks of shriveled, twisted, and sev- receivers cry
shine, and that the thought into when they
of himself delivering the ered tendons ravaged by thousands realize the
of violent hits, ultimately leaving injury is
Gettysburg Address or freeing career-ending
the slaves was as impossible them crippled by the age of 40,
to imagine as seeing slow players score six points by carrying Shoes
pans across sepia photos of By their sixth season, players
the ball across the goal line. A team typically forget how to tie these
me, Millard Fillmore, in Ken
may also score a touchdown by
Burns 1990 documentary
The Civil War. catching a pass thrown into the end Knee Pads
Players knees are protected
zone by a quarterback, whose heav- .00004 percent better than they
would be without knee pads
ily concussed brain will not only
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E F

paychecks. Some companies offer

matching contributions in which
the money employees allocate to-
ward disappearing forever is
matched by an equally short-lived
and pointless contribution from
their current employer.
Frank, Anne (b. June 12, 1929
d. Mar. 1945), Jewish Holocaust
victim who kept a poignant diary of
her experience hiding from the Na-
zis and who would have been per-
fect for Elle Fanning to play in a new
biopic if someone at CAA hadnt
Fossil, remains of any living
dropped the ball and let the whole thing that was consumed by a
goddamn deal go down the drain. rock.
Frank and her family hid in the se-
FRENCH AND INDIAN WAR (17541763), 18th-century
cret annex of an Amsterdam apart-
North American conflict between the English and French that had a
devastating impact on many Native American tribes when their ment for two years, which is exactly
members began to pick up extremely irritating habits from the how long its going to take for
French. Worst affected were the Algonquian people, who, shortly Fannings schedule to clear up now
after fighting alongside the French, began smoking terrible-smelling because one asshole didnt just pick
cigarettes, haughtily riding bicycles with baskets full of maize-flour up a fucking tele-
baguettes and tomahawks, and rudely insulting anyone they passed
phone and call
under their breath. The Ojibwa people were also devastated by the
war, as they adopted the practices of cooking their venison in truffle Steve Weiss over
oil and heavy cream, and annoyingly insisting that only wine made at Paramount to
from the birch bark in a very specific region of their ancestral holy get it in writing. Four Kinds Of Truck, dump
lands was authentic, and that everything else had to be called The thing was truck, pickup truck, fire truck,
sparkling birch-bark wine. practically green-lit, for Christs cement truck. There are lots of
sake, with Liam Neeson attached to different kinds of trucks, but
these are four.
the teenagers care so much about Fosse, Bob (b. June 23, 1927 play the dad, Otto, who found his
repealing the law. d. Sept. 23, 1987), famed dancer, daughters diary in 1945 and made
Ford Motor Company, major choreographer, film director, and sure it was published, translated
American auto manufacturer that living proof that if you devote your- into English, and sold throughout
struggled for a number of years in self to your craft, work hard, and the world and fuck me, if you dont
the early 21st century, but thank- pursue your vision, then maybe one start coming up with some brilliant
fully is once again churning out day you, too, can become a misera- goddamn ideas real goddamn
thousands of fuel-burning, carbon- ble, philandering control freak and quick, youll be booking second-
dioxide-emitting vehicles for peo- die young of a massive heart attack. rate magicians in Lincoln Fucking
ple to use repeatedly every day and 401(k), type of retirement savings Nebraska before the week is out.
year after year after year. account that allows individuals to Hey, what about that girl from True
Fort Sumter Gift Shop, strategic lo- set aside a portion of their income Grit? Is she Jewishy enough?
cation where Union soldiers pur- to vanish in an economic down- Frankenstein, you are probably
chased posters, shot glasses, and turn. Employees enrolled in a looking for Frankensteins monster,
Fort Sumter pins for their friends 401(k) can calculate how much you idiot.
and relatives during the Battle of money theyd prefer to have evapo- Frankensteins Monster, there you
Charleston Harbor. rate into nothingness during a re- go, dipshit.
42 Percent, one of the percentages cession and then have that amount Franklin, Aretha (b. Mar. 25, 1942),
on the zero to 100 percent scale. withdrawn automatically from their American R&B recording artist
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F Benjamin Franklin to Mohandas Gandhi

best known for performing at Wres- will inevitably make it even more public savagery.
tlemania III and Wrestlemania 23. tragic when the author becomes Friars Club, private organization
Franklin, Benjamin (b. Jan. 17, most strongly associated with known for hosting events called
1706 d. Apr. 17, 1790), author, pub- mumbling distractedly about on- roasts, in which
lisher, political theorist, activist, in- going habitat destruction of the celebrities are
ventor, statesman, diplomat, and Asian fawn-breasted thrush during mocked in a par-
postmaster who spread himself way nationally televised interviews and ticularly vitriolic
too thin and consequently wasnt dying of exposure while trying to or obscene way,
especially good at any of those catch a glimpse of the ultrarare bird popularized in the days before the
things. Noted throughout the world on a tiny, uninhabited island in the entire Internet was devoted to this
for his middling ability in a number South Pacific. activity.
of fields, Franklin was known to Friedan, Betty (b. Feb. 4, 1921 Friendship, relationship in which
give half-formed opinions about d. Feb. 4, 2006), American feminist two random people walk up to each
federalism to his peers, then rush who said that other and loudly say, We are
over to supervise the nations first women should friends! in unison. After the friend-
fire department but have to leave be in equal part- ship is established in this manner,
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN before addressing the lack of equip- nership with the new friends then check every
The very picture of mediocrity.
ment and training, and then spend men, which is day to see if both parties wish to
15 minutes dashing off an unintelli- both complete- continue the friendship. This dis-
gible, ill-conceived lending policy ly true and an cussion is usually conducted via a
for the nations first library. Poor exhausting and futile thing to de- short telephone call during which
Richards Almanack, a periodical vote ones entire life to. As the first one friend asks the other, Do you
considered one of Franklins most president of the National Organiza- still want to be friends? If either
significant contributions to early tion for Women, Friedan aimed to friend answers in the negative, the
American culture, might have been gain equal rights in every aspect of friendship is dissolved, but if both
more polished had he just sat down society and break down long-stand- answer in the affirmative, a friend-
and focused on it. Even then, it ing gender barriers, two noble pur- ship activity can be planned, the
likely would not have turned out suits that must have led to a stressful most common of which involves
that great because Benjamin Frank- existence of sleepless nights, monu- the two friends sitting across from
lin was a pretty mediocre writer. mental disappointments, and con- each other, staring in complete si-
Franzen, Jonathan (b. Aug. 17, stant questioning as to whether she lence for approximately two hours.
1959), National Book Award should have maybe set more realis- On Sundays and weekdays, friend-
winning American writer whose tic goals for herself, like becoming a ships begin at 10:30 a.m. and end
brilliant works will eventually be successful doctor or architect or for the night at 8:30 p.m., and on
overshadowed by his bizarre and all- just being a good person whose Fridays and Saturdays they end at
consuming obsession with birds. company other people enjoy. 11:00 p.m.
Franzens 2001 novel, The Correc- Friedan died without ever seeing Futurism, early 20th-century art
tions, garnered him awards, literary her dream of a gender-blind society movement that really screwed over
Frog, amphibian that offers
children more than 5,000 species
praise, and popular acclaim for come true, which anyone with half the people who have had to come
of squashing options. its razor-sharp social criticism a brain could have told her was go- up with names for art movements
accolades that will be all but forgot- ing to happen when she came up in later generations.
ten as the author increasingly uses with the ridiculously ambitious
public forums such as college com- idea in the first place.
mencement speeches to ramble on French Revolution, social and po-
maniacally about birds and bird- litical uprising of the French lower
watching for hours on end. Free- classes that sought to realize the
dom, Franzens much-anticipated Enlightenment-era ideals of blood-
2010 follow-up novel, met and ex- lust, paranoid suspicion, infighting,
ceeded critics expectations, and revenge, equality, and grotesque
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Gacy, John Wayne (b. Mar. 17, cranial cavities of tens of thousands Concerning The Two Chief World

G
1942 d. May 10, of test subjects had been traumati- Systems drew the ire of Pope Urban
1994), American cally penetrated, leading to the VIII, who ordered Galileo and his
serial killer and eventual development of a vaccine 30x refractor telescope to the Vati-
rapist who mur- that succeeded in preventing mil- can, where they both faced the tri-
dered at least 33 lions of fatalities from long iron bunals of the Roman Inquisition. At
young men and, rods getting shot through the brains the trials, during which the elderly
though it is often overlooked due to of railroad workers. astronomer and his telescope were
the gruesome nature of his crimes, Galpagos Islands, archipelago in questioned separately prior to their
was at the time of his arrest really the Pacific Ocean whose vast array appearance before the pope him-
Gg . .
Elsa appeared through the
starting to come into his own as a of unique animal species is consid- self, Galileo pleaded for mercy and
garden door with an air of
clown. Gacy began killing in the ered proof of the limitless imagina- heaped the blame for his heliocen- studied concern, the pearl
suburbs of Chicago in 1972 and hid tion of the one true creator, God. In tric theory of the solar system on bracelet, a gift from Morris upon
the bodies of his victims in a crawl the Galpagos, a multitude of sui the 4-foot-long looking glass, which his return from Paris two
summers past, clacking
space beneath his homegrim de- generis faunae perfectly designed to stood completely silent and showed
impatiently on her wrist. The
tails overshadowing the fact that thrive in concert with the regions no remorse as it was bound and abruptness of his exit, the
prior to his incarceration he could varied terrain and climate were in- dragged out of the courtroom. For almost impassive manner in
which he gathered his gloves
juggle up to five pieces of fruit, was stantaneously conjured into being his transgressions against the
and hat and stepped hastily
a solid unicyclist, and was becom- by the Lord in a definitive display church, Galileo was sentenced to down the winding stone path to
ing quite proficient at making fairly of His unparalleled inventiveness spend the rest of his life under his awaiting carriage, had vexed
complicated balloon animals. He and ability to adapt His vision to house arresta far more lenient her deeply. Not so much for its
brusqueness, as Morris was a
was executed by lethal injection be- different surroundings. Naturalist punishment than the one meted
man abundant in nearly all
fore he got the chance to really Charles Darwin traveled there in out to his telescope, which was pa- virtues save a blithe spirit, but
focus on his seltzer-bottle work, 1835 to study the islands native raded through the streets of Rome for the good doctors seeming
which Gacy would be the first to species, whereupon his faith in God in humiliating fashion as the public incognizance toward Elsa
herself, as though the contents
admit was the area of his clowning was famously restored. threw rotten vegetables and stones
of the letter which he let slip
most in need of improvement. Galilei, Galileo (b. Feb. 15, 1564 at it, and was then burned at the gently from his hand to the
Gage, Phineas (b. July 9, 1823 d. Jan. 8, 1642), Italian astronomer stake. The telescope never admitted damp flowering moss below had
transported him to another
d. May 21, 1860), American rail- who furthered the idea that the any wrongdoing.
place entirely, far from Everdene
road construction foreman who in Earth revolved around the sun, a Game, relaxing, entertaining diver- Manor and far from the soft,
1848 survived an accident in which heretical belief that the Catholic sion centered around competitive dutiful approaches of Elsas
a 43-inch iron rod was explosively Church forced both he and his tele- human urges, jealousy, and anger. heart. Steadying herself against
the oak writing table, Elsa held
propelled through his skull, spur- scope to publicly recant. Galileos Across cultures, playing games is
the letter in her trembling hand
ring a new field of medical research controversial 1632 book Dialogue considered an enjoyable way to pass and consumed its veiled
focused on driving blunt metal ob- the time and channel ones primal contents, which requested
jects into peoples heads and study- drive to dominate another living Morris depart at once for Saint
Elizabeths Convent to entertain
ing the effects. In the six decades being. Although varying in struc-
a matter of grave import. Who
from 1849 to 1909, participants ture, games typically involve a fun was the architect of this
ranging from infants to adults, and engaging mixture of luck, skill, encroachment, this pilferage of
her husbands affections? The
wealthy to destitute, healthy to in- and the barely concealed desire to
author supplied only a bare
firm, and citizens to immigrants ruthlessly exploit the physical or initial, a single, murky character
had their skulls forcibly impaled mental weaknesses of ones oppo- etched in blackest ink at letters
upon tamping irons, as well as on nents, including friends, acquain- end: G.

crowbars, hammers, horseshoes, tances, and 11-year-old sons.

girders, and railway ties, with survi- Gandhi, Mohandas (b. Oct. 2, 1869
vors being monitored for specific d. Jan. 30, 1948), political and spiri-
changes in behavior. By the time tual leader of India who helped
Gage finally succumbed to his the country attain independence
wounds in 1860 at the age of 36, the through nonviolent tactics because,
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G G a n ge s t o G l oba l Wa r m i n g

well, look at the guy. Weighing 90 mus Bosch and whose three interi- Gauguin, Paul (b. June 7, 1848
pounds soaking wet, Gandhi urged or panels illustrate the paradise of d. May 8, 1903), brilliant French
peasants, farmers, and urban labor- Eden; a scene of unrestrained car- artist who worked tirelessly to cre-
ers to peacefully protest British co- nal indulgence; an inferno where
lonial authority. Honestly, what else sinners are tortured for eternity;
was he going to do? Strike fear into and an advertisement for Dutch-
the hearts of Indias oppressors with mans Pride vodka.
his hunched-over body and a walk- Gates, Bill (b. Oct. 28, 1955),
ing stick? Not likely. Gandhi first founder of Microsoft and one of the
employed nonviolent resistance richest men in the world who, when
while working as a lawyer in South you think about it, could not have
Africa, demonstrating from an early attained such incredible wealth and ate paintings people look at for four
age that he had a strong sense of success without having at least a seconds before moving on to the
how quickly hed get his ass kicked couple of people killed. A billion- next one.
in a real fight. With frail, birdlike aire by the age of 32 and the man Gedankenexperiment, structured
wrists and no muscle anywhere on behind a technology juggernaut mental exercise used to examine a
MOHANDAS GANDHI
Wouldnt you advocate nonviolence his tiny frame, Gandhi called non- that has dominated global home hypothesis, examples of which in-
if you had a chest like that? violence his weapon, which is ex- and office computing for more than clude Einsteins imagining of the
actly what people who look like him 20 years, Gates just has to be re- temporal continuum as observed
would say, and his 1943 hunger sponsible for the deaths of at least a from a rider upon a beam of light;
strike to protest British rule sure as handful of people who stood in his Schredingers famous quantum
shit didnt do him any favors, either. path. Even if the Harvard dropout indeterminacy visualization of a cat
On Jan. 30, 1948, Gandhi was fatal- didnt order the killings directly, he sealed in a box that is both dead and
ly shot by a Hindu militant, which had to have looked the other way as alive; and picturing yourself driving
seems a bit excessive, considering his subordinates took the necessary the Space Corvette from the open-
you could basically have punched initiative on their own, didnt he? ing credits of Heavy Metal.
through him like tissue paper. Gates has already donated more Gehrig, Lou (b. June 19, 1903
Ganges, sacred river revered by than $28 billion to various charita- d. June 2, 1941), American baseball
both the 400 million Hindus and ble causes, philanthropic efforts player and only member of the New
the 500 trillion pathogens that that, you have to suspect, were York Yankees not deserving of un-
regularly bathe and fester in the partly motivated by his guilt over all relenting scorn and vitriol. Nick-
holy body of water. The Ganges is the competitors he had murdered named The Iron Horse, Gehrig
not only used by Hindus to purify and disposed of. was known for his power hitting,
the corpses of loved ones before
cremating them and offering them 200 DAYS ASSASSINATION FREE
Gender Identity, an individuals
self-conception, regardless of to the gods, it is also the worlds ho- James A. Garfield
biological sex, of being male, liest site for toxic microorganisms, (b. 19 Nov. 1831 d. 19 Sept. 1881), 20th president of
female, transgender, transsexual, the United States, fatally shot after only 200 days in
which venerate it as a place where
gender nonconforming, office despite having won the 1880 election on a
genderqueer, cross-male, microbes can teem in blissful har-
strict anti-assassination platform. Garfield, who
cross-female, androsexual, mony in what they believe is the served as a Union general in the Civil War, first developed his
two-split, three-split, estromale, source of all the fecal coliform bac- political philosophy after the assassination of Abraham Lincoln in
androgyfem, intrasexual, bisexual,
pisexual, sexual, transgenital,
teria in the universe. Although mil- 1865, writing at the time that the foundation of a strong republic
mono-bisexual, transmono-bisex- lions of people die annually from rests on a bedrock of not being assassinated and vowing no
ual, neutragenital, ex enal, water-borne diseases, most Hindus president shall ever be assassinated while Im president. Despite the
androgybigenital, XX-her- popularity of his position, Garfield was fatally shot on July 2, 1881,
and pathogens continue to share
maphrofem, XY-hermaphrofem, just before delivering a major anti-political-murder speech. His
YY-hermaphrofem, or undecided. the hallowed river in peace. failure to deliver on campaign promises led to a massive decline in
Garden Of Earthly Delights, The, public support and, though he lived with his injuries for another two
painting that is considered the mas- months, the humiliating assassination ended his political career.
terpiece of Dutch artist Hierony-
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longevity, and ability not to be a

prima donna who cried like a little
girl every time a call didnt go his
way (See Paul ONeill). Over 15
seasons, Gehrigwho suffered a
painful, debilitating disease with
grace and dignity, unlike Babe
Ruth, who ate himself to death,
Mickey Mantle, who drank himself
to death, and Alex Rodriguez, who
is Alex fucking Rodriguezplayed
in 2,130 consecutive games, a re-
cord that went unmatched until Cal
Ripken, Jr., broke it in 1995, mark- BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG, bloodiest battle of the Genie, in Arabian folklore, a
ing the last time a non-asshole did American Civil War, lasting three days and claiming the lives of spirit that could theoretically
anything good in baseball. 3,155 Union soldiers, 4,708 Confederate soldiers, 2,037 innocent grant wishes if freed from a lamp
Gehry, Frank (b. Feb. 28, 1929), bystanders, 601 horses, 246,729 ants, 912 trees, 889 rifles, 586 snails, or bottle, but was actually dead
14.2 million blades of grass, a long fence, 213 fireflies, 12 swords, 90 percent of the time and just
man your city is willing to pay
414 tapeworms, 42,346 dewdrops, more than 52 trillion carbon kind of rattled around in there.
$90 million to erect some giant molecules, 1,287 hats, a three-legged dog, and an unrecorded
crumpled-up pieces of foil. number of black men.
Gender, social and cultural con-
struct based upon biological sex, parition scores .06 to .09, its drivers man whose numerous 20th-cen-
and the reason why boys are made license is revoked for 30 days, dur- tury sculptures werent going to
to wear blue and girls are violently ing which it must silently follow a change ones life, per se, but really
discarded and burned right after member of the living around his or were quite good, and doing them
birth. Though the anatomical her house, vanishing as soon as the seemed to make him happy, so
differences that inform the concept person turns around. A Breathaly- wheres the harm in that? In fact,
of gender have no bearing on intel- zer reading of .10 or above results in that goes for anyone like Giacom-
ligence, ability, or any intrinsic soci- the ghosts car being impounded etti who may not be as good at
etal value or lack thereof, they and its license being revoked for a sculpture as Michelangelo or any-
remain the basis for why boys are full year, during which it must wake thing, but is just trying to pursue
encouraged to play cowboys and In- the same person up night after night something they enjoy. As long as its
dians and girls have acid thrown in by floating over their bed gurgling not bothering anyone, just let peo-
their faces. Gender is also believed help me in an agonized tone. It is ple do what they want to do. Heres
by sociologists to be responsible for not uncommon, however, for a a good rule of thumb: Never say
boys common difficulty in express- ghost to hire a lawyer and get off anything about another person that
ing emotions and girls propensity with a lesser sentence, frequently a you wouldnt want to hear said
to have their genitals mutilated or court-ordered rehabilitation pro- about yourself. It may seem obvi-
be forced into sex slavery. gram and 50 hours of appearing in ous, but a surprising number of
Geology, study of solid-Earth pro- the photos of the living as a translu- people out there forget common, Giraffe, large ruminant African
cesses while wearing a button-down cent ball of light. everyday courtesies like this, and its mammal that uses its long neck to
plaid shirt tucked into jeans. Ghostess, spirit of deceased female really a shame. constrict and kill prey before
consuming it whole.
Ghost, restless spirit sentenced to matre d who haunts the front of Global Warming, gradual heating
haunt the living after being found the restaurant and attempts to gain of the earths temperature caused
guilty of drunk driving in the after- revenge on guests who wronged her largely by mankinds emission of
life. Punishments are determined in life by making them wait forever greenhouse gases, and a process
on a sliding scale depending on the for a table at the bar. that can only be reversed if, oops,
disembodied souls blood-alcohol Giacometti, Alberto (b. Oct. 10, never mind, because we actually
level at the time of arrest. If the ap- 1901 d. Jan. 11, 1966), very nice just now passed the exact point of
83

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G Gloryhole to Goliath

GEOGRAPHY, study of the Earths isthmuses, from the Isthmus Other Landforms
of Kra in Southeast Asia to Canadas Isthmus of Chignecto. Geography is Peninsula: This grotesque blemish
on the Earths surface fails to be an
an isthmus-centric pursuit that can be divided into four categories: physical isthmus in every conceivable way, and
geography, the study of how big or small isthmuses are; comparative is so hideous to look upon that it
geography, in which other landforms, such as straits, tributaries, and compels one to seek out the nearest
isthmus in order to purge the image of
mountains are studied to determine why they arent isthmuses; human the disgusting peninsula from his or
geography, which maps peoples behavioral patterns in relation to isthmus- her mind.
es; and theoretical geography, which hypothesizes what isthmuses would
Archipelago: One cant help but feel bad for this pathetic geographic
look like in areas where there are no isthmuses. Narrow strips of land feature and its lack of narrow strips of land connecting all the islands.
surrounded by water that connect two larger pieces of land, isthmuses help
geographers better understand the Earths topographical features and their Berm: A narrow, level
shelf at the top of a slope
place in relation to the isthmus. For example, a canal is considered a separating blah blah blah
man-made isthmus; caves are roofed isthmuses; an ocean is a land-lacking, blah whatever who cares
deep-water isthmus; and deserts are water-deficient, sand-infused, this is not an isthmus.
dune-developed isthmuses. Geography was first studied by Eratosthenes of
Greece, who invented the system of latitude and longitude so he could
remember the location of all the isthmuses.
River Delta: Gets some
credit for being kind of an
inverse isthmus, but not
much.

Isthmus: Just look at it. Takes

your damn breath away.

What It Would Take To Make Various

Geographic Features Into Isthmuses
Mountain: Shaving it down via hydraulic fracturing until it is merely a
strip of land, then digging holes into side of the mountain until reaching
sea level so the holes become filled with water.

Fjord: Build massive wall in front of it, obscuring it from view; paint
isthmus on wall; forget the fjord exists.

Isthmus: Pick up garbage to make it a better isthmus.

Mars: The Red Planet offers a unique opportunity, in that humanity

could eventually terraform the entire surface so that it is a world of
There are some pretty inconsequential landforms in this satellite photo, so what youll isthmuses. Write or call your congressperson today to let him or her
want to do is focus on the Isthmus of Suez right in the middle-left there. know this is an issue you deeply care about.

ever being able to undo the horrify- flooding of the entire Eastern Sea- struction will be forever lost, and
ing effects of climate change. Ac- board of the United States in 60 we all need to face the fact that ev-
cording to climatologists, rising years. Well, 59 years, 364 days, 23 eryone and everything weve ever
CO2 levels must be contained be- hours, and 59 minutes. In order to loved will soon be annihilated by
fore it is too late, which it now is, or reduce ones own impact, experts the raging forces of nature, and that
the world populace will experience recommend using energy-efficient civilization itself will either be
severe food shortages, widespread products, carpooling to work, and wiped out or plunged into anarchy
drought, and the mass extinction of not relying on air-conditioning so as we all stand by helplessly, waiting
thousands of plant and animal spe- much, though they may as well rec- to drown, die of starvation, or burn
cies. Climate change is also believed ommend taking out a gun and to death.
to be responsible for the thawing of shooting yourself in the fucking Gloryhole, small hole cut into the
the polar ice capsthe melting of head right now, because by the time partition between bathroom stalls
which is irreversible as of eight sec- you finish reading this, any fleeting through which married couples can
onds agoand will in turn lead to hope of somehow changing this kiss. Gloryholes are typically posi-
the incomprehensibly destructive collision course with global de- tioned on the divider at waist
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E G

height, which allows husband and was accepted wisdom that a bridge Perhaps someone of your
wife to kneel on opposite sides and of that size could either be structur- lowly position in life would be
touch lips with relative ease. While ally sound or vibrant orange, but better off looking at a picture of
a factory.
couples may visit a gloryhole at any not both. Designer Joseph Strauss
time to affirm their love for each privately expressed fears that he
other, most confine their visits to would die in shame and humiliation
anniversaries and will often mark for even conceiving of a bridge so
such milestones throughout their orange, but publicly defied his col-
lives at the same gloryhole. leagues, saying he would rather take
God, all-knowing, all-powerful en- a chance at building a massive or-
tity responsible for the blooming of ange bridge that tragically collapses
flowers, the setting of the sun, the into the sea then settle for some-
feeling one ex- thing gray or even blue. The bridge
periences when was completed in 1937, with most
sitting down to onlookers too terrified to cross it you were able to gain a modicum of
enjoy a nice, because it was an even brighter, technical facility. Once made of
gently toasted bolder orange than they originally wood and animal hides, golf equip-
tuna sandwich, thought. Although 118,000 vehi- ment today is manufactured with
war, murder, re- cles cross the Golden Gate Bridge advanced synthetic materials in-
tarded kids, humanity in general, each day, it is still considered an tended to maximize performance Goebbels, Joseph (b. Oct. 29,
1897 d. May 1, 1945), Nazi
hurricanes, Major Ogilvies 1980 engineering marvel in terms of and is really very expensive and we
minister of propaganda and
Sugar Bowl MVP performance, that its intensity-of-orange to weight- certainly wouldnt want someone deplorable, amoral human being
hilarious joke about the three supported ratio. like you spending so much money who, like most people who bear
priests on a rapidly sinking ship, Golf, sport played on a large open- on such things, especially by the those traits, was extremely
successful and effective at his job.
plaster, snowfall on a starlit night, air course in which a small, hard ball look of those clothes.
fear, Buddhism, the mean-spirited is struck with a club into a series of Goliath, Philistine giant who, after
falsetto voice your coworkers use to holes in the ground with the object being knocked out by the Israelite
mock you when youre not around, of using the fewest possible strokes youth David, regained conscious-
wheat, love, leukemia, DVDs, the to complete the course, and an ac- ness and rose up to slaughter thou-
bizarre combination of resentment tivity that iswell, whats the most sands upon thousands of innocent
and devotion that children feel to- polite way to put this? Not really villagers, vowing never again to let
ward their parents, and more than exactly right for someone like you. an underdog catch him off guard.
15 varieties of pie. Developed in Scotland in the 15th According to the biblical story, Da-
Gold, soft yellowish metal best suit- century, golf spread across the globe vid, armed with just a sling, hurled a
ed for augmenting fat, hairy chests. while maintaining certain long-held stone at Goliaths forehead and tem-
Golden Gate Bridge, suspension traditions and strict codes of eti- porarily incapacitated the fearsome
bridge spanning the opening of San quette that would probably make giant. However, once the swelling
Francisco Bay that defied scores of playing golf very uncomfortable for and dizziness subsided, Goliath
experts who insisted a bridge that someone such as yourselfwhat returned to combat angrier than
orange could never be built. Con- with your particular upbringing, ever and massacred the smallest,
struction on the 1.7-mile-long education, faith, and, shall we say, meekest, and most unassuming
structure began in 1933, when it overall background, there is just so combatants first, their stones
much potential for you to terribly bouncing pathetically off his newly
embarrass yourself, you see? Many modified rock-proof helmet. The
Goodall, Jane (b. Apr. 3, 1934),
consider golf to be a thoughtful, in- story of David and Goliath remains British primatologist who
trospective, and extremely intellec- a popular parable to this day, due to probably let a couple of chimps
tual game, so you probably would its timeless message that even get to second base.
never truly appreciate it even if, by giants can be knocked down if
some stretch of the imagination, they fail to destroy the little guy
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G Google to Great Depression

Googles successful search engine cently, InfoWiz has broadened its

InfoWiz is presided over by
reach to include new products such
Merlink, who can uncover web
results from the past, present, as the Druid smartphone.
and future with a wave of his Governor, elected executive of a
magic wand.
U.S. state or commonwealth who
privately cant wait to get tapped as
a presidential running mate and get
the fuck out of Kansas forever.
Grand Canyon, ancient canyon sys-
tem in the state of Arizona that if
youre on your deathbed without
having visited, youve really fucked
up. Formed by the Colorado River,
the Grand Canyon is 277 miles
immediately, and that when bigger elderly sorcerer armed with a long, 18 miles across at its widest
and stronger people want some- question-mark-shaped wand who point, and 6,000 feet at its deepest,
thing, theyll get it eventually. urges users to embark on a data a breathtaking natural wonder you
Google Inc., American technology quest by typing magical keywords never found the time to see and
company founded in 1998 by Ser- to cast a search spell, which in turn now never will because youre lying
gey Brin and Larry Page that is best conjures millions of results on web in a hospital dying. Instead of en-
known for its Internet search en- scrolls. In 2011, InfoWiz employed joying the sight, whose beauty so
gine InfoWiz. The most popular 29,000 workers and generated $28 impressed Teddy Roosevelt that he
and frequently used search engine billion in revenue for Google while designated it a national monument
in the world, InfoWiz features the receiving more than 100 million in 1908, you squandered your only
iconic wizard mascot Merlink, an crystal ball queries each day. Re- trip out west on Disneyland, where

GOVERNMENT, system of human organization

responsible for cleaning up when somebody drunkenly
dumps an entire bag of trash on the street to make his
friends laugh. Typically composed of an appointed body
of officials whose members constitute a states governing
authority, a government is charged with disposing of the
various sandwich wrappers, soda cans, eggshells, news-
papers, and half-full cups of coffee that were ejected onto
the street from a trash bag in a wildly spinning helicopter
motion by an intoxicated person at 3 a.m. while his friends
laughed hysterically and shouted, Dude, what the fuck are
you doing? A number of secondary functions, including
pulling out the old sweaters and greasy, brown paper bags
Forms Of Government
full of Chinese food cartons that got jammed in the storm
Democracy: System in which the power
drain, and setting the overturned garbage can back on the is vested in apathy Commune: Small form of democratic
government that inevitably destroys itself
corner of the street where it belongs, also fall under the Jamocracy: Government in which the when participants realize theyre just a
purview of a functioning government. The grand, age-old power is vested in a group of musicians fucking pack of animals like everyone
working together to just totally rock out else
enterprise of government is tasked with a number of other
Monarchy: System in which power is Plutocracy: Government by the
administrative functions, including talking down an angry, vested in a sovereign such as a king or wealthy; for example, the Roman
urine-soaked man screaming in front of the firewood queen and that, despite its hereditary Republic, medieval merchant republics
basis, is also meritocratic, as would-be such as Venice and Florence, and every
section of a Safeway, delicately explaining to a person rulers must successfully emerge from other government that ever has or ever
standing in line at the DMV that there is no smoking their mothers vagina alive will exist
allowed inside the building, and erasing the graffiti on the Autocracy: Mechanical, electrical, or Theocracy: Form of government led by
hydraulic system of government used to individuals claiming to be divinely
Absolutely No Parking sign so that it no longer reads guide society without assistance from guided in their duties. Goes about as well
Absolutely No Fucking. humans as youd think.

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E G

ceded the bloodshed of the Great A BEARD SO CLEAN YOU

COULD EAT OFF IT
Purge and that saw Joseph Stalin Ulysses S. Grant
jam-packing the Soviet government
(b. April 27,
with as many people as he possibly 1822 d. July
could. In 1935 and 1936, Stalin was 23, 1885),
known for his largesse, taking in famed U.S.
anyone who asked him for a job. general whose
Theres room for everyone, was skill at killing
thousands of people,
the premiers slogan, and he gorged
destroying railroad lines, and
the bureaucracy with Communist burning cities to the ground
Party peons, political opponents, failed to translate effectively
capitalists, wealthy aristocrats, sus- to his presidency. While a
An image that will only serve to deepen the crushing regret you must feel if you pected saboteurs, illiterates, and the brilliant commander and
are in hospice care and you never saw this in person. criminally insane. At the end of this ruthless tactician during the
Civil War, Grant had a
you had your picture taken with tion for his masterful portrayal of period, Stalin was seized with regret
difficult time using his natural
Jafar. And now youre practically a Richard Nixon in the 2008 film and vowed to reverse the policy. talent for running bayonet
cadaver already and its too late to Frost/Nixon. While gravitational Great Depression, period of world charges or hacking a foes
share a spiritual communion with theory was refined by physicist economic collapse in the 1930s and head off from horseback to
the natural world, let alone enjoy Albert Einstein in 1915 with the the reason grandmothers save twist establish sound monetary
ties. Triggered by the stock market policies or gather bipartisan
the magnificent chasm on a hike or Einstein field equations, it most
support to pass a bill in
rafting trip. Dont you feel like a notably kept Langellas exquisite crash of 1929, the Great Depression
Congress. When it came to
jerk? You should, because you blew performance in Wall Street: Money saw unemployment in the United the crucial task of appointing
it. You really blew it. Never Sleeps from devolving into States reach 25 percent while a new Cabinet, it turned out
Grandfather Clock, mere caricature. Gravity should not household incomes plummeted, Grants well of expertise in
CU on GRANDFATHER CLOCK. be confused with levity, which is which is why grandmothers have a walking through fields of
The hypnotic beats of drawer next to the sink that is filled wounded soldiers and
its ancient pendulum
defined as a lightness in weight and
shooting the ones who were
grow louder with each was perhaps best demonstrated by with more twist ties than any
too weak to stand, or
swing. The last is Frank Langellas effortless comic widow in her 80s could possibly directing salvos of cannon fire
hauntingly loud, as if turn in the 1993 film Dave. use, stacked beside a pile of old at farmhouses suspected of
all time has stopped.
Great Binge, The, two-year-long envelopes from the phone compa- hiding Confederate sympa-
AARON campaign that immediately pre- ny that they use as scratch paper. thizers, had no bearing
(almost whispering) whatsoever, leaving him vastly
Dad? ill-prepared to hold the
CITIES OF THE WORLD
Beat. nations highest office. Grants
AARON Gotham City greatest legacy as president,
(CONT.) Large North American howeverenforcing civil
Is that you? city of 5.3 million rights laws and executing
Gravity, naturally occurring phe- people. Covering an area members of the Ku Klux
of 322.7 square miles, Klanwas directly informed
nomenon that gives weight to ob-
Gotham has an average by his prior experience
jects of mass and what acclaimed enforcing civil rights laws and
annual temperature of
film and stage actor Frank Langella 52.7 degrees Fahrenheit executing members of the Ku
brings to nearly every role. First and an average annual Klux Klan.
One of Gotham Citys many attractive parks.
theorized by Sir Isaac Newton in rainfall of 43.47 inches.
NICKNAME: Killed anyone who
1687 and recognized today as the The citys main industries include finance and technology, in
tried to give him a nickname
force that causes the Earth and the addition to a commercial seaport, and its gross metropolitan product
is $890 billion. Gotham is also a major cultural center, with dozens of AGE AT BIRTH: 0
other planets to orbit around the PRESIDENTIAL ID NUMBER:
fine art museums and a world-class symphony orchestra. While
sun, gravity is also the attribute that Gotham City is often associated with an extremely high crime rate, in 2D-GR18-004
earned Langella two Tony awards reality its statistics are no more or less notable than other U.S. cities OF NOTE: First president to
for Best Featured Actor in a Play such as Baltimore, Metropolis, and Detroit. serve two terms on horseback
and an Academy Award nomina-
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G Great Pacific Garbage Patch to Gummy

The Depression gave rise to morbid gists concerned about the environ- during the four presidential admin-
scenes of dejected, jobless men mental impact of the Garbage Patch istrations under which he served.
standing in long, humiliating lines have increased efforts in recent He is revered by obsessive fans
for soup kitchens and living in years to educate jellyfish about worldwide, thousands of whom
proper waste disposal, and have would gather daily outside the Fed
lobbied the worlds governments to building and chant his name in the
hold accountable all sea lions that hopes of catching a glimpse of the
insist on dumping diesel fuel in del- stringent objectivist. Greenspan
icate habitats. raised interest rates several times as
Great Smoky Mountains National he made headlines for his torrid af-
Park, most visited national park in fairs with Diane Keaton, Christy
the United States, originally estab- Turlington, Connie Chung, Elle
lished in 1934 as a place for Daniel Macpherson, Barbara Bush, and
and Maureen Killon to have a Naomi Campbell, among hundreds
marriage-ending argument while of others. The Fed chief once had to
makeshift shantytowns known as setting up a tent some 75 years be resuscitated by paramedics after
Hoovervilles, events that explain later. he was found floating facedown in
why grandmothers not only save Greco-Roman Wrestling, sport that his dollar-sign-shaped pool by then-
the twist tie from every loaf of is usually stopped right before the Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin,
bread, but also never throw a single winner rapes the loser. and that same week Greenspan
slice away, even if they have to cut a Greenspan, Alan (b. Mar. 6, 1926), flooded the world with American
little mold off the crust. The end of 13th Chairman of the Federal Re- currency in order to ease liquidity
Great Wall Of China, only part
of China not currently being
the Great Depression is generally serve, known for his wild celebrity in response to capital flight during
observed from space. attributed to President Franklin lifestyle, irresistibility to women, the Asian recession. Greenspans re-
Roosevelts New Deal programs and forceful handling of national cent memoir, The Age Of Turbu-
and government spending on monetary policy. Greenspans prag- lence: Adventures In Pills, Girls, And
World War II, by which point matic approach to economic theory The Housing Bubble, spent 23 weeks
grandmothers were well on their and infamous days-long hedonistic on The New York Times bestseller
way to saving twist ties and washing soirees at his sprawling Washing- list.
out sandwich bags and not really ton, D.C., Fantasy Ranch vaunted Griddle Cakes, pancakes for people
VOICES OF HISTORY caring what younger people the economist to legendary status who refer to albums as LPs.
thought because they werent there
History has not dealt
and could never understand.
kindly with the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, gi-
aftermath of pro- ant floating mass of discarded plas-
tracted periods of tics, chemical sludge, and trash lo-
low-risk premiums, cated in the central North Pacific
which is also why my Ocean that is the result of fish and
breakup with Blythe other marine animals recklessly
Danner was such a polluting their own waterways. The
shit show. massive swirling vortex of debris
ALAN GREENSPAN whose size is estimated to be at least
500,000 square mileswas formed
by seabirds discarding candy wrap-
pers and aluminum cans, sharks im-
properly disposing of sewage, and
tortoises dumping industrial waste
and other hazardous materials di- Since retiring from the Federal Reserve, Greenspan has remained a powerful sex
rectly into the ocean. Marine biolo- symbol and regular fixture of the New York City nightclub scene.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E G

ANCIENT GREECE, civilization Birthplace Of

that flourished from 750 bc to 146 bc as a center Democracy
of artistic, scientific, and cultural advancement, The ancient Greeks
and that some tiny glimmer way down deep in were responsible for the
humanitys DNA must still on some level yearn creation of democracy
and all the bullshit that
for and aspire to be like. The ancient Greeks
goes along with it. The
human beings no different than us in most
city-state of Athens was
respects, let us rememberbuilt a vibrant society the first in the region to
based on scientific and humanistic ideals, avidly establish a citizen-based
exploring the frontiers of mathematics, astron- system of rule, and its
omy, philosophy, and medicine, with an ambition three governing bodies
and ingenuity that, for Gods sake, must, just went on to develop the
must, still be down there somewhere in the This magnificent temple to the goddess Athena stands high kind of back-scratching,
furthest reaches of our brains, waiting to be on the Acropolis as a reminder to the modern Greek people power-grabbing, and
unlocked again. Indeed, one would have to that they werent always such worthless fuckups. infuriating political
believe there remains something within all of us, gamesmanship that
Drama masks remains a major part of
some long-abandoned genetic imperative or faint were used as a democracy today. The
universal impulse, that longs to create stirring crutch in the Greek model of
works of architecture, theater, and literature like event an actor government also
those that served as the cultural foundation of could not get his
face to look introduced the
ancient Greece. The Parthenon, the Pythagorean concepts of majority
happy or sad.
theorem, the Socratic method, and The Iliad are rule and the backroom
just a few of the accomplishments produced by deal; voter registration
ancient Greece that we could still match today if and voter fraud; and a
we truly, truly tried, and we should, frankly, government by the
because just look around us. Is this the civilization people and for the
we want? There must exist some primordial people that excludes
vast swaths of people.
vestige handed down to us from ancient Greece
In addition, the Greeks
that could once again allow us to exercise our Coinage was typically originated the act of
faculties of reason, make bold discoveries, and off-centered because the spreading democracy,
build something, anything of actual meaning in imprint and type of metal
was more important than along with the
this world. There has to be. Otherwise, what the wholesale killing
the shape. But thanks for
fuck are we doing here? noticing that. necessary to do that.

Griffith, Andy (b. June 1, 1926), be- George Lopez Show, The Ol get a new head. They keep the
loved American actor who one day Harley, Gravity Bong, Or- peace by any means they can down
well probably hear was a terrible lando Magic Bench, Crock- there, if you catch my meaning. Not
person and a selfish, egomaniacal Pot, The Conservative Base, to say they dont have crime. They
prima donna on set, who would Large Hadron Collider, just keep it, you knoworganized.
throw temper tantrums at produc- Troops, Rock Tumbler, This But sure, I can show you the way,
tion assistants and had several Puppy, Kiln, Hometown Die- shamus. Just dont expect me to
extramarital affairs, which will dis- hards With Your Very Own play muscle for you. I just bought
appoint us because we just assumed McKeesport High Cheerlead- this suit, see, and I wasnt planning
that, man, this was supposed to be ers, The Ol Chainsaw, Death on being buried in it. But it looks
this wonderful classy guy, but its Star, Pacemaker, Xbox, This like that powder-blue Plymouth
more than likely that hes just a Bad Boy, Hot-Air Balloon, that just parked a block behind you
piece of garbage like the rest of us. Waffle Iron, The Ol Lawn- might have different ideas. (See
Grill, one of 27 things in the world mower, These Motherfuckers, Powder-Blue Plymouth)
that needs to be fired up. Sales Team, F-14, Em) Gummy, prefix denoting chewiness
(See Mainframe, Film Projec- Grove City Docks, the docks? Jeez, in a candied food, and a word that
tor, Studio Audience For every time I go down there I gotta comes up far more often in the aver-

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G Johannes Gutenberg to Happiness

age human beings life than, say, depraved smut, including indecent ing dissertations on gradual en-
conflagration or bauxite. books, obscene periodicals, the Bi- tropy and overexertion effects on
Gutenberg, Johannes (b. circa ble, and pornographic drawings. participants joints or studying the
1390 d. Feb. 3, Gymnastics, scientific discipline motion of a squat young woman
1468), German dealing with the locomotion of tumbling through space-time.
inventor responsi- small 11- to 16-year-old girls on Gymnastics intersects with many
ble for devising padded mat surfaces, as well as their interdisciplinary areas of research,
movable type, a relationship to uneven bars and including dance, acrobatics, biol-
loathsome print- high-pressure situations. Scholars ogy, and somersaults.
ing technology that led to the mass in the gymnastics field complete
dissemination of the most vile and their doctoral programs by publish-

ANCIENT GROME, cultural backwater that made no inventions, clever urban planning, imposing fortifications, or cause
major contributions to art, science, government, for a passing traveler to stay for more than a couple of hours at most.
warfare, or religion. Its original settlers, who found Not a single great athletic competition occurred during its existence,
the land to be relatively decent for establishing nor did the Groman people practice any traditions or customs
some mediocre agriculture, began permanent worthy of being codified in their fairly pathetic body of literature.
occupation in the early 4th century bc and When word finally arrived in 199 bc that the Etruscans had built a
continued to inhabit it for the next 200 years new settlement in the western Italian peninsula, the apathetic
simply because no one could think of a compelling Groman population emigrated en masse, leaving behind a broad
reason to leave. At its height, ancient Grome was devoid of any landscape dotted with unappealing artifacts and ruins.
gleaming temples, vast aqueducts, important thinkers, revolutionary

The Groman Empire

The Stables
The Secondary Building
Notable for its use of a roof to
Freestanding structure for
protect horses from rain
Gromans who got lost going to
the Main Building

The Cathedral
Place of worship where Gromans
would try to create gods to honor,
but would become flustered when
they couldnt come up with anything
The Main Building
The Bath House Basic stone structure used for
Baths meetings and events; no pillars

It took 5,000 Gromans a full century to erect this Two-foot tall stone wall protecting
structure, which collapsed three days later. important Groman hole
Significant pile of rocks

A Timeline Of Grome
Peloponnesian soldiers ransack Last inhabitants leave,
the city, taking the only item of marking the occasion
value: a jug of olive oil Groman playwright Good amount of rain this year with an engraved stone
Agapetus pens his Best architect Still no arch
showing the date and
Groman scouts first and only work, buried under directions for anyone
No arch
travel to Rome a brief interchange remains of who came there
Engineers focus all Historic
First Groman settlers but report that between two bread failed arch looking for Rome
their energy on 45-minute visit
arrive, basically do there is no merchants discovering how
nothing for 30 years empire yet by Celtic
to build an arch delegation

368 BC 338 329 326 263 239 228 220 217 211 199

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E H

Haiku, please do not arrange these Hammurabi (d. circa 1750 bc), Bab- Hamilcar Barca, on military con-

H
words into a haiku, even though ylonian king and visionary for a quests, every pachyderm that was
they fit. blind and toothless utopia. put in his care would inevitably fall
Hail, hardened cloud semen that Handshake, ritual that takes places off a cliff or die from some rare dis-
falls from the sky after clouds have following an agreement between ease within a few hours. On one
sex or masturbate. people with at least one hand each. particular morning during Hanni-
Halloween, fall holiday observed Hannibal (b. 247 bc d. 183 bc), bril- bals campaign to cross the Alps
with fanciful costumes, the carving liant Carthaginian military leader during the Second Punic War, his Hh
of jack-o-lanterns, and the practice who was one of the most talented increasingly demoralized army Eighth letter of the English
of trick-or-treating for candy, all of generals in history yet could not awoke to find more than 10,000 alphabet, based on the ancient
cuneiform representing an
which are faithful reenactments of keep an elephant alive worth a dead elephants piled on top of each
elevated walkway connecting
events from the bizarre Halloween damn. During every single armed other. Hannibals fortunes as a gen- two Minneapolis skyscrapers.
War of Oct. 31, 1832, between the eral and a statesman began to de-
United States and France. cline rapidly following a devastating
Ham Radio, electronic commu- loss to the Romans in the 202 bc
nication device used to contact Battle of Zama, during which all of
weirdos. the Carthaginian elephants inexpli-
Hamilton, Alexander (b. Jan. 11, cably burst into flame mid-charge.
1755 d. July 12, 1804), statesmen, Hanukkah, Jewish holiday whose
soldier, economist, and secretary of spiritual meaninglessness has been
the treasury whose otherwise im- overshadowed by the commercial-
peccable legacy will always be ization of the festival, with the ram-
tainted by his involvement with the pant exchange of gifts overtaking
United States of America. Hamil- campaign he led, Hannibal inadver- Hanukkahs minimal historic value
ton, who was known for his new and utter religious insignificance. Hard Hat, protective metal or
tently killed hundreds of his own
plastic helmet worn by construc-
and influential theories on econom- war elephants, either through elab- Happiness, evolutionary survival
tion workers and the pussy
ics, which led to the establishment orately tragic accidents or sheer ne- mechanism developed by humans architects who sometimes stop by
of a national bank, will never be glect. Even as a child, when Hanni- to prevent members of the species for a peek.
able to shake his nearly 30-year con- bal would accompany his father, from killing themselves the mo-
nection with the United States, a
country that has also left a blemish
WOULD GIVE HIS FRIENDS THE SHIRT OFF THE
on the rsums of George Washing- FEDERAL GOVERNMENTS BACK
ton, Abraham Lincoln, and Frank- Warren G. Harding
lin Delano Roosevelt. Hamilton (b. Nov. 2, 1865 d. Aug. 2, 1923), 29th American
was killed during a duel with Aaron president, whose administration was marked by
Burr, who allowed Hamilton to sal- rampant corruption and cronyism, including
vage some dignity by effectively naming his former business partner Edwin C.
Denby secretary of the Navy, attorney general, and Supreme Court
ending his U.S. citizenship, which
justice simultaneously, while also awarding ownership of the Grand
up until that point was the most hu- Canyon to his cousin Nathaniel. In 1921, after Harding allocated
miliating detail of his life. $90 million to redirect the Mississippi River so that it ran through
Hammer, tool with a metal head his uncles textile mill, he drew criticism for his misappropriation of
mounted on a handle, designed to personnel and state funds, which had also included briefly selling
be used by upstairs neighbors for a West Virginia to a German coal company. Passage that same year of
the Hardings Buddy Is Getting 25 Percent of Our Tax Money Now
wide variety of construction and re- Harem Pant, popular womens
Act, giving the presidents longtime friend Charles R. Forbes one
pair projects. The first hammer is quarter of the total taxes paid by Americans, led to a congressional trouser style that has a deep cloth
believed to have been used by pre- pocket in the middle to give the
investigation. The Office of Small Pet Enclosures, an arm of the
wearer room to defecate.
historic upstairs neighbors in the Department of the Interior currently led by Hardings great-
middle of the night 2.6 million grandson, still receives $12.6 billion each year in federal funding.
years ago.
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H Harmonica to Helping

COULD HAVE SHOWN A ment they attain self-awareness.

PICTURE OF GROVER
CLEVELAND AND YOU Though happiness does not typi-
WOULDNT HAVE KNOWN
THE DIFFERENCE cally last longer than three to six
Benjamin Harrison seconds, the biochemical mutation
(b. Aug. 20, is just enough to stop humans from
1833 d. Mar. grabbing the nearest rock and bash-
13, 1901), ing themselves in the head over and
23rd
over again the second they realize
president of
the United that they are mortal, and that life
States, who hoped in vain that is bleak, painful, and ultimately
at least one of the six new without meaning. The biological
states admitted during his imperative has prevented billions of
term would be named humans from jumping off cliffs or
Harrisonland, or something
drowning themselves en masse, and
to that effect. Though he
rarely addressed it in public, leading evolutionary scientists be-
those close to Harrison said lieve those who commit suicide do
he grew increasingly agitated so not because they lack the inher- HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS, exhibition basketball
as each new state selected a ited trait, but because they are smart team that combines athleticism, theater, and comedy in multiple
name other than the ones he enough to realize that the search for entertaining routines, the most famous of which involves selecting a
had envisioned, his favorites member of the crowd to stand at half-court, whereupon the
happiness is not worth the effort.
being Harrisonton, Harris- Globetrotters set the unsuspecting volunteer on fire and perform
Harmonica, worst thing about this
sippi, and Harrison Hamp- passing and dribbling tricks in a circle around the screaming, dying
shire. When it was clear the small, rectangular wind instrument
fan. During the hilarious bit, the Globetrotters jokingly attempt to
new states would not be is how portable it is, making it al- douse the flames by dumping a bucket of confetti on the burning
naming their capitals after ways ready to be played. You just victim or place a spinning basketball on the persons finger as their
him either, Harrison became pull this piece of shit out of your scorched flesh melts from their skull. The Globetrotters end the
bitter, once insisting to his gut-busting antics by returning the charred corpse to family
pocket and, without having to tune
Cabinet that he didnt want a members or friends in the stands.
dump like Idaho to be it or anything, can start torturing
named after him anyway, and everyone around you right then and
in 1890 telling organizers of there. as Slugger Doogans gonna hit you. years, months, or even weeks from
the Wyoming Constitutional Havisford, Vera, well, if it isnt (See Slugger Doogan) now when the fatally flawed genes
Convention that he hoped Grove Citys most illustrious flat- Health, state of bodily wellness that that have been silently plotting in
they were proud of the
foot. Come to show a girl a good individuals may possess even as Al- their cells finally reveal themselves
Indian-derived bullshit name
they chose instead of West time? Yes, yes, of course. Mitsy zheimers disease lies dormant in and begin the slow, grueling, irre-
Ben Harrison. On March 13, LaRue, my fanny. Like any mother their DNA, waiting to activate and versible process of erasing their
1901, wracked with pneumo- would ever name her daughter that. slowly take their life after turning mind and converting them from a
nia, a broken Harrison No, handsome, those two names them into a shell of a human being functional adult into an infantilized
uttered his last words to his are just the intersection of two without a shred of dignity. It is pos- burden on the children they no lon-
wife: Can you believe that,
streets, and two livesa self-styled sible by medical standards to be ger recognize but rely upon for the
Mary? Two fucking Dakotas.
young colonel and a feisty, ambi- healthy and free from illness or in- once-simple task of using the toilet.
Harrisons Historic tious little gal who was a shade too jury, even as ones variant of the Hearse, vehicle for transporting a
Recording
In 1889, Benjamin Harrison became dusky for the Colonels own aspira- apolipoprotein E gene lurks for de- coffin halfway to a funeral and then,
the first president to have his voice tions. So the woman ran away, had cades in patient menace, preparing in a panic, back to the emergency
recorded. The following historic
remark was preserved on a wax the baby, and called her Vera. Then to dismantle ones brain piece by room.
phonograph cylinder: the baby grew up and renamed her- humiliating piece. The definition of Hearst, William Randolph (b. Apr.
self. And thats my story, flatfoot. health is subjective in nature: Hu- 29, 1863 d. Aug. 14, 1951), Ameri-
Hello? [long pause]. Hello, can you
hear me? [long pause]. I am tal-king Eye-watering, aint it? Might take mans can be suffering from a cold can newspaper magnate who was
in-to a pho-no-graph [long pause]. Mr. you a minute to let the realization or have a minor skin abrasion yet the basis for the main character in
Phonograph? Can I tell you a secret?
[long pause]. I want to die. hit you, but brother, its gonna hit still be in very good overall health, the classic 1941 film Citizen Kane,
you hard. Well, maybe not as hard certainly healthier than they will be as well as three other less successful
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E H

in the face with their dicks, and STARTING TO FEEL LIKE

THERE ARE 8,000 U.S.
JESUS, HOW MANY HARRISONS ARE THERE? bludgeoning insufferable religious PRESIDENTS
William Henry Harrison pricks with crowbars. Only those Rutherford B. Hayes
(b. Feb. 9, 1773 d. Apr. 4, 1841), ninth president who lived good lives during their (b. Oct. 4,
of the United States, who died after delivering 1822 d. Jan.
time on earth are permitted to enter
the longest-ever inaugural address, which lasted 17, 1893),
30 grueling days in the midst of numerous the kingdom of heaven, where they
19th
violent rain and wind storms. Renowned for his are rewarded with an abundance of
president of
leadership at the Battle of Tippecanoe, as well as his governorship precious jewels, gold, cash, alcohol, the United
of the Indiana Territory, Harrison touched on these and literally cigarettes, and the right to fuck any States, best
thousands of other topics in his epic speech, which ran 24 hours a little kids who have died. known for driving home the
day for a month, despite the increasing hoarseness of Harrisons point that if you include even
Hell, vast, warehouse-like space
voice, multiple lapses into exhaustion-induced incoherence, and one U.S. president in a
constant attempts by aides to physically pull Harrison away from bathed in an eerie fluorescent light
reference book, you are
the podium. After delivering the final line to an amphitheater in whose seemingly endless aisles are
basically forcing yourself to
which 227 of the original 1,250 attendees had also died, Harrison lined with discounted consumer include them all. Hayes
finally walked off stage, sat back down in his chair, and immedi- goods, including food, apparel, oversaw the end of Recon-
ately succumbed to pneumonia-related complications. electronics, and toys. The entrance struction and presided over
to hell is manned by an old, white- the nations emergence into
films from 1941: The Newspaper- tify a hereditary condition or a life- haired man or woman in a blue vest the Second Industrial
Revolution, and while he is
man Who Thought He Ruled The time of poor cardiac health as a who greets visitors as they arrive
certainly not as historically
World!, Williford Randall Hertz: contributing factor, the deceaseds and alerts them to the existence of a important as Abraham
Duke Of The Rag Business, and Ab- grandchildren ultimately bear re- number of unbeatable values in the Lincoln or Thomas Jeffer-
bott And Costello Meet The Yellow sponsibility for the heart attack and lifeless expanse before them. Hell is sonor even James K. Polk,
Journalist. must carry the emotional weight for populated by scores of shuffling for that matteran analysis of
Heart Attack, sudden blockage of the rest of their lives. corpulent figures who, with no Hayes administration
nevertheless makes it very
blood to the heart muscle caused Heaven, majestic realm in the after- other retail locations left at which
clear that, even if you start
by a spur-of-the-moment, surprise life where the righteous reside and to shop, are condemned to pick with entries on just the major
visit from ones grandchildren. have every wish fulfilled, be it to mindlessly through row upon row presidents, the whole thing
Without a steady stream of oxygen- snort the finest cocaine imaginable, of plastic kitchen containers, white quickly becomes a slippery
rich blood, the heart, blindsided by hunt down and torture angels, or cotton tube socks, cases of motor slope whereby you cant really
the shock of two squealing 6-year- force God to give them a blow job. oil, and copies of 2 Fast 2 Furious leave out any of the rest of
them because it would seem
olds clamoring for hugs, begins to Inhabitants of heaven spend etern- while slowly circumnavigating hells
weird. Ultimately, the
break down and fail, often with fatal ity in the breathtaking paradise, ex- polished tile floor. At predeter- president is an important
results. Though in some cases a periencing such delights as pissing mined intervals a disembodied person, there have only been a
postmortem examination can iden- on clouds, hitting Saint Peter right voice announces rollbacks, send- few dozen of them, and if
ing the denizens of hell toward one youre doing a book on
specific area of the building, at important things, then you
really cant in good conscience
which point they are instructed to
leave one out. Even if you
load various off-brand appliances want to. In addition to his
and beauty products into a blue cart legacy of keeping encyclope-
that is then wheeled outside to a dia editors awake at night
sprawling paved field and unloaded trying to figure out if they
into waiting vehicles. Hell was should scrap their whole
approach and just go with
founded by Sam Walton in 1962.
some sort of appendix with
Helping, pro-social behavior bene- images of all the presidents
fiting another individual that hap- and the dates they served,
pens after one looks around to see if Hayes believed in a merito-
anyone else is going to help, sighs cratic style of government and
upon realizing nobody is, mutters in the equal treatment of
In eternal paradise, you can fuck a dog in the ass while you make God go get you an people regardless of race.
expensive imported beer. Jesus Christ, fine under ones
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H Ernest Hemingway to Adolf Hitler

breath, and finally helps the woman

holding groceries and trying to get
her baby stroller up a set of stairs.
Hemingway, Ernest (b. July 21,
1899 d. July 2, 1961), American au-
thor and journalist whose economi-
cal writing style strongly influenced
generations of men wishing to jus-
tify alcoholism, reckless flights of
fancy, and philandering as the price
a man must pay for the lifelong pur-
suit of truth.
Heroin, highly addictive crystalline
compound and narcotic derived
from morphine that should be tried A hibernating bear would neither know nor care if one pretended to shake its
paw and introduce oneself.
at least once in a persons lifetime.
Heroin, when used regularly, is as- family of other hibernating animals, ship ignited, the 800-foot blimp was
sociated with a strong physical de- such as badgers or hedgehogs, and destroyed in approximately 20 sec-
Heisman Trophy, nations
pendence but is certainly worth ex- place little straw hats on their heads onds, which was enough time for
highest honor that can be given to
a date-rapist. perimenting with, even if its only a that they will wake up wearing in the captain to reach safety. Wait, the
single dose, because life is short and the spring. captain lived, too? Youve got to be
its important to have as many expe- Hickey, blemish often found on the kidding. This is the most famous
riences as possible. A weakened im- neck that is created when ones lov- airship disaster in history?
mune system and death are com- er holds a vacuum hose up to ones Hinduism, oldest continuously
mon among those heavily addicted skin. practiced religion, whose tenets of
to heroin, which one should ingest High Heels, formal shoe with a karma, worship, and self-realization
by snorting as opposed to injecting, pointed heel worn by women and are so simple and unobjectionable
since thats only for junkies and all a men to lengthen the legs and accen- that the only thing holding it back
person needs is just the one taste to tuate the buttocks. from becoming the worlds domi-
see what it feels like. Hindenburg Disaster, tragic acci- nant faith is the fact that you cant
Hi, abbreviation for the proper for- dent in which the German passen- kill bugs, even if theyre biting the
mal greeting Mr. Hello. ger airship LZ 129 Hindenburg shit out of you. Hinduism draws on
Hibernation, prolonged period of caught fire during its attempt to a number of folk traditions and
inactivity and suppressed metabo- dock, tragically killing 13 of its 36 texts, including the Upanishads, all
lism among certain animals, such as passengers in a horrible scene that of which agree that in order to
the bear, during which one could will forever bewait, only 13 of maintain good karma, you cant kill
conceivably get away with sneaking the 36 passengers on the Hinden- a bug, despite the fact that its been
into its cave and petting it. Used to burg died? Thats it? One-third, to- literally sucking your blood all
conserve energy during times of tal? Huh. Though the cause of the night, or been buzzing right in your
HINDENBURG
DISASTER limited food supply, the hiberna- fire remains unknown, many specu- goddamn ear for three fucking
No doubt about it, this looks like an tion state makes it theoretically pos- late that ignition was brought on by hours even though you were nice
absolute calamity. But for crying out
sible for someone to approach a a static spark thatokay, and only enough to crack the window for it
loud, even one passenger who was a
vaudeville acrobat survived this bear in its lair and pinch its nose, 22 of the 61 crew members died, to fly out. Hinduism has almost
thing. Seriously. have a picture taken holding up its too? It just seems that way more 1 billion followers, a number that
ears, smack it fairly firmly across the people died, because when people would likely grow to encompass all
face, poke it with a stick, or stand on say the Hindenburg you think of of humanity if you could simply
top of it flexing ones muscles like this earth-shattering catastrophe, step on an ant without the risk of
Hulk Hogan. It is also not incon- not an event where a sizable major- being reincarnated as an ant your-
ceivable that one could walk up to a ity of people survived. Once the air- self and being casually squashed by
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E H

the kind of asshole you were in your This image is not from the
sickest psychopaths imagination,
previous life.
but from real events that actually
Hip-Hop, musical genre responsible happened in real life.
for at least one completely humiliat-
ing personal moment in every
Americans past. Hip-hop has its
origins in the street culture of 1970s
inner-city New York, and has since
gone on to contribute to the time
17-year-old suburban teenager Ja-
son Nguyen bought the 1997 Ma$e
album Harlem World and told his
friends it was dope, to Samantha Hiroshima, Japanese city in the the future, and how said future can
Kleins horrendously garish bling- Chgoku region of western Hon- affect how we view the past, and
themed bat mitzvah, to more than shu that was struck by a nuclear how the present hangs perilously
80 million awkward sing-along ut- weapon in 1945, something that between the two time frames, and
terances of the word nigga, to at truly, actually happened in real life. how this is all a huge mess, and how
least one cringe-inducing track by The manufacturing port was anni- theres nothing we can do about it,
every rapper who has ever lived, to hilated by the equivalent of 13 kilo- and how we should have never
the time 52-year-old father Rick tons of TNT, and not as part of evolved beyond the state of tree-
Tyrnauer performed an impromptu some chilling, hypothetical special- dwelling apes.
rap about corn on the cob at the effects sequence in a science-fiction Hitler, Adolf (b. Apr. 20, 1899 d. Apr.
dinner table to amuse his mortified movie, but as part of a very real and, 30, 1945), former dictator of Nazi
children. Today, hip-hop is consid- in fact, intentional act of violence Germany, regarded as the 20th cen-
ered one of the preeminent cultural that disintegratedliterally disinte- turys most reviled figure, worse
Hitchcock, Alfred (b. Aug. 13
forms of expression around the grated80,000 people instanta- even than Adolf Hitler. As a deeply 1899 d. Apr. 29, 1980), British-
world, and makes everyone neously. Thats 30 percent of the disturbed young man, Hitler was American filmmaker who was
including hip-hop artists who have population wiped out in a second. known for sporting a Hitler mus- able to keep movie audiences in a
state of paralyzed suspense as
engaged without irony in em- And that really happened. Hiro- tache, and adopted early on a mili- they wondered when he would
barrassing rap wars with their shima is known for its cuisine and tant, Hitler-like devotion to his goal suddenly waddle on-screen for his
rivalsshake their head in shame symphony orchestra, and just to re- of total Aryan racial purity. Hitler stupid little cameo.
and mutter under their breath, iterate, something occurred in this first joined the fledgling German
God, why did I do that? worlds actual history involving the
Hippopotamus, blubbery herbivo- equivalent of 13 kilotons of TNT.
rous mammal weighing between On purpose. The crippling flash
3,000 and 7,000 pounds that wad- burns, the cries of pain and suffer-
dles around Africa on pudgy little ing, the lethal aftereffectsall of
stub legs, pigging out on snacks to this really happened to real people.
stop its jelly belly from rumbling. And whats really fucked up is that
The flabby butterball is a semi- the same exact thing happened
aquatic chunkster that spends most again three days later.
of its days hiding underwater for Hiss, sound a cat makes when one is
two to three minutes so no one can trying to jam it into a refrigerator
see that tubby looks like a roly-poly lettuce bin so one can take a funny
blimp. The chubba chubba is picture of it.
known for its loud wheezing and Historectomy, surgical procedure Workers Party in 1919, and by
aggressive behavior when the skin- to remove all or part of the past. 1933 he had seized absolute politi-
ny animals tease it for being a big, History, study of the past, and how cal control, which he used to rule
dumpy blob. the past can affect what happens in ruthlessly over his countrymen as if
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H HIV to Hurricane

SOMEHOW DIDNT he were Hitler. Over the next 12

KILL HIMSELF Honor Caliper Anchor Bolt
Herbert Hoover years, Hitler transformed Germany How Honor Is Produced Regulates discharge of virtuous
(b. Aug. 10, into one of historys most oppres- conduct
Filler Plug
1874 d. Oct. 20, sive totalitarian empires, on par Prevents prestige
backflow
1964), 31st with the Nazis. Amid the cover of Valve
president of the Obstructs
World War IIa war Hitler had Reset Rod humiliation
United States, provoked to indulge his Hitler-sized Increases flow
whose greatest of dignity
egoHitler conducted a massive
accomplishment was Spring
somehow not committing program to systematically murder Fastens
suicide during the Great millions of Jews, a monstrous cam- Thrust Washer nobility to
Distributes soul
Depression. Despite the fact paign of death that could only have reverence load
that his policies helped come from the mind of some kind
prolong that terrible period, of Hitler. Given Hitlers unparal- Pump Connector Link Balance Wheel
during which the unemploy- Disperses adoration Controls glory equilibrium
leled legacy of malevolence and
ment rate surpassed 25
percent, more than 5,000 hate, his name is only evoked today
banks failed, and millions of to describe the most extreme ex- allowed ethnic cleansing campaigns Pauls brand-new linen shroud, and
Americans were unable to amples of human evil, such as to operate on the honor system, bursting into tears, before locking
afford basic needs, Hoover bosses who impose rigid deadlines vowed to collectively intervene in himself in the restroom for the re-
amazingly managed not to slit on employees, people who ask oth- future genocides that looked like mainder of the evening.
his wrists, jump out a 10-
ers to quiet down in public places, they were going to get anywhere Homo Sapiens, bipedal primate
story window, or blow his
brains out after seeing the and U.S. presidents. near that crazy. With this solemn classified by the EPA as an invasive
country had lost another 2 HIV, if you get it in America these responsibility in mind, the United species. Homo sapiens, which has
million jobs. Though days, and its not because of a blood Nations agreed on swift retribution no predators and breeds rapidly, has
hundreds of thousands of transfusion, its pretty much on you. against any country or government been well documented as a deadly
homeless citizens began Ho Chi Minh (b. May 19. 1890 that went totally overboard with threat to native flora and fauna in
forming shantytowns named
d. Sept. 2, 1969), North Vietnamese butchering large numbers of men, habitats in which it has been intro-
after him and known as
Hoovervillesa fact that leader of successful wars against the women, and children, or sought to duced, and has been known to deci-
would have made any other United States, Japan, and France, wipe out a specific group of people mate an entire ecosystem within a
president hang himself in the whose efforts catapulted Vietnam in an especially egregious or unnec- single generation. If not contained,
middle of the Oval Office into the first world, made him a essary way. The international Homo sapiens will continue to en-
Hoover not only didnt kill deeply respected figure within his genocide guidelines have only been danger biodiversity, spread disease,
himself, but lived another 31
country to this very day, and even enforced once, in 1995, when and destroy thousands of acres of
years and died of natural
causes at age 90. Hoover did prompted UNESCO to officially NATO planes bombed the Serbian arable land each day. Homo sapiens
attempt suicide in 1957, but recognize him in 1987 as a major military, which had exterminated is also the greatest known threat to
for reasons unrelated to the contributor to the common strug- 200,000 Muslimsa response the economy.
Great Depression. gle for peace, national indepen- world leaders later admitted was Homosexuality, sexual attraction
dence, democracy, and social prog- hasty, since the widespread killing between politically conservative
ress. Thus, you gotta hand it to the hadnt yet gone completely off the or evangelical white males
man. rails. Homosexuality is characterized by
Hockey, hey, if you like it, great. Holy Grail, sacred cup, considered wearing navy blue
Holocaust, Nazi-sponsored mass the most holy of objects by Chris- or gray suits with
murder of approximately 6 million tians, used at the Last Supper by Je- red ties, frequent
Jews and other persecuted groups sus Christ, who was an emotional church atten-
during World War II that taught the wreck at the time and was under- dance, and public
world to never, ever let a genocide standably nervous about his up- denunciation of
get that out of hand. The unthink- coming arrest, trial, and crucifixion other homosexuals. Many homo-
able atrocity took place on such a and had far too much wine, drunk- sexuals occupy positions of author-
massive scale that the international enly knocking over the divine ves- ity and can be found working as
community, which had previously sel, spilling all over the Apostle Republican school board members,
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E H

Republican activists, Christian and mayonnaise with saffron, stur- always a risk the ignorant, solipsis-
mens group leaders, and Republi- geon roe, and truffles. Today, the tic weasels will only get stuff for
can legislators. Prominent homo- delicate, extremely complex sauce is themselvesalso understand that
sexuals include Roy Ashburn, typically served with six jalapeo these pushy nuisances who never
former California state senator and sidekickers and a jamocha shake. shut up for even a second will go
antigay activist; Larry Craig, former House American Activities shout their heads off on their dis-
U.S. senator from Idaho and antigay Committee, investigative commit- tricts behalf and that others will be
activist; Ted Haggard, evangelical tee of the U.S. House of Represen- forced to listen. The absolute worst,
pastor and antigay activist; and tatives convened in 1955 to root out bottom-of-the-barrel egomaniacal
George Alan Rekers, minister and and publicly congratulate patriotic sociopaths bully their way onto
antigay activist. citizens suspected of enjoying the House subcommittees, where,
Hope, universal human emotion, fruits of American capitalism. The among smaller, even pettier groups,
positive belief, or earnest desire that committee was led by Rep. Hamil- they are given significantly more
the Mexican restaurant on the cor- ton Fish III, a staunch, unbending power to draw attention to them-
ner will be open on New Years Day. patriot who ruthlessly demanded to selves and, thereby, their home dis-
Hope is sometimes confused with know if defendants had ever en- tricts. Because there are no set term
similar concepts such as optimism, gaged in a backyard barbecue where limits for representatives, it is com-
HOUSE AMERICAN
which suggests a degree of active a football was tossed around, and if mon for constituents to continue ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE
confidence that the Mexican restau- so, whether they drank a few beers voting the most aggressively sacro- The HAAC cross-examination of a
Missouri grandmother suspected of
rant will be open, and false hope, a and had a good time with family sanct, small-minded congress- baking mouthwatering apple pies.
form of hope based on the fantasti- and friends. Those who nervously people back into office time and
cal wish that all restaurants, includ- testified came from all walks of life; time again so that the intolerable
ing that great Italian place, be open, shop owners, stock brokers, ad loudmouths are away from their
even though that is never the case salesmen, and factory managers districts as much as possible.
and one always forgets to just pick alike were coerced into naming Hubble, Edwin (b. Nov. 20, 1889
up the phone and call before trek- other flag-flying Americans so that d. Sept. 28, 1953), American astron-
king all the way over there like an they too could be called before the omer who was killed when he fell
idiot. Studies have consistently con- committee, summarily praised, and from a 220-mile-high scaffolding
firmed that hopefulness is an im- then placed on a preferential list of while attempting to construct a
portant contributor to happiness, people to be considered for future telescope in the Earths orbit. Stand-
an emotion defined as the ability to employment. The good-Americans ing atop the precarious temporary
afford to have takeout every night of witch hunt was conducted over six structure, which extended from
the week if one wants to. months and weeded out millions of his lab in San Marino, California,
Horsey Sauce, tart, beluga-and- citizens, all of whom were made to to the planets ionosphere, Hubble
caviar-infused horseradish paste proudly sign documents attesting slipped on a wooden plank and fell
that is one of the five master sauces to the fact that America was the 1,161,000 feet back to the Earths
in haute cuisine. First formalized by greatest country on earth, and were surface. Though most of his body
French culinary writer Auguste Es- dismissed with invitations to come burned up upon reentry into the at-
Horn, stupid hat that goats
coffier and later perfected by re- back and attend that years Fourth mosphere and scattered across the actually think looks good.
nowned chef Henri-Franois Arby, of July celebration in Washington. Pacific Ocean, remnants of Hub-
horsey sauce (jus de cheval) is made House Of Representatives, bles charred left forearm were re-
by blending a puree of horseradish 435-member representative body covered and are currently on dis-
of the U.S. Congress to which each play in the National Air and Space
electoral district sends its loudest, Museum in Washington.
least scrupulous, most self-involved Hurricane, violent weather event
person to get stuff for them. Repre- also known as a typhoon, wind pie,
sentatives vote on legislation they or cyclone that is characterized by a
deem beneficial to their communi- low-pressure center surrounded by
ties, whichwhile realizing there is powerful thunderstorms.
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H Saddam Hussein to Imp

CITIES OF THE WORLD

Houston
Largest city in Texas and worst
city on the planet, with the
possible exception of Dallas, the
third-largest city in Texas.
Houston has a population of 2.3
million and is an oppressive
mass of uninspired office
buildings and urban sprawl
rivaled in atrociousness only by
the endless traffic jams of Dallas.
The heartlessness of Houstons skyline makes one feel about as empty and
Houston is further made
sad as one feels when looking at Dallas.
unlivable by its extreme heat and
disgusting humidity (See similar to those found in Houstons utter lack of culture
Dallas) and by a featureless downtown Dallas. Though many makes it a terrible place in which
downtown that is completely believe Dallas is worse because no one would intentionally
Hurricane Katrina, if it had
abandoned by 6:30 p.m. except of the presence of the Dallas choose to live. Much like Dallas.
happened in the Philippines or for the depressing, low-class Cowboys, both cities constantly San Antonio is also a shithole.
Papua New Guinea it wouldnt strip clubs that are strikingly reek of petroleum fumes, and
even be in this book.

Hussein, Saddam (b. Apr. 28, 1937 sheet without really looking at it. ment, scum, mucus, urine, saliva,
d. Dec. 30, 2006), former Iraqi presi- God, who made countless attempts vaginal secretions, bile, and other
dent who carried out a devastating over the eons to unload the color- buildup that naturally accumulates
attack on the American economy less, odorless, flammable gas, has on human beings over the course of
by forcing the United States to since been forced to stick a bunch of a day. It is also necessary to utilize
spend billions and billions of dol- the hydrogen into stars and planets, a coarse brushing tool coated in
lars on a military effort to invade his as well as to create a shit-ton of the commercial-grade antibacterial gel
country and depose his dictator- popular beverage water by combin- to dislodge calcified stool and ejac-
ship. A brutal autocrat with a mani- ing the gas with oxygen. Although ulate from ones nose and mouth.
acal anti-American agenda, Hussein much of the surplus hydrogen Other procedures, such as shower-
was directly responsible for the remains untouched, God occasion- ing in bleach and thoroughly
deadly strike on the U.S. financial ally uses the excess combustible sandpapering ones genitals, are also
system between 2003 and 2011, element to entertain Himself by necessary to maintain health and
when the nations surplus dramati- making inhabitable planets ran- eliminate the bacteria-laden waste
cally turned to ashes as Hussein domly explode. matter, used bandages, and fecal
made the United States stage a cost- Hygiene, process of routinely clean- spray that permeates every public
ly, protracted occupation of his ing off the 4-inch-thick layer of dirt, place.
country. Fortunately, Hussein was feces, semen, and vomit that accu- Hypochondria, condition in which
held responsible for his unprovoked mulates on the surface of the hu- one believes physical symptoms are
attack on the U.S. federal budget man body within minutes of waking the signs of a serious illness when,
SADDAM HUSSEIN when a significant portion of the each morning. Good hygienic prac- in fact, they are usually just caused
Hussein lured America into spending federal budget was spent finding tice, which must be performed by the natural processes of a slowly,
more than $800 billion to invade,
occupy, and withdraw from his him and bringing him to justice. eight to 12 times daily in order to almost imperceptibly decomposing
country. Hydrogen, most abundant chemi- facilitate movement of the limbs, body.
cal element in the universe thanks involves first scrubbing the entire
to a fuckup on the order form by body vigorously with soap, water,
God, who was overwhelmed while and turpentine, and then using a
creating everything in existence and metal chipping tool or chisel to
hastily filled out the damn invoice scrape away the dried blood, excre-

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Ibex, wild goat known for getting ture of who that person is. By its 1943, Ikea has become the No. 1

I
out of control at parties by climbing very nature, identity in no way re- destination for customers seeking
on furniture, ramming into walls, flects what one believes to be true chunks of particle board of varying
fighting with other guests, and uri- about oneself, and is instead formed sizes, shapes, and thicknesses that
nating in the punch bowl. through outside judgments by oth- are haphazardly gathered up and
Idea, thought or concept obtained ers based on cursory assessments of stuffed in a box, occasionally with a
from a movie, TV show, or book ones physical appearance. After handful of screws or nails thrown
that already exists. By taking ideas others establish ones identity im- in. Ikea products are known for Ii ..
that were created by someone else mediately upon sight, it remains the their distinctive look, and it is not
Ninth letter of the modern
many generations before, so-called same until death, rarely if ever uncommon to enter a home, notice English alphabet and the fifth
creators may produce what they re- changing in any meaningful way re- a television mounted upon a jagged most common letter in the
fer to as original works of art or gardless of any personal improve- 4-foot-tall stack of pressboard, and English language. A vowel with
both a long sound, as in bite,
entertainment, despite the fact that ments that individual may make, instantly recognize the store where
and a short sound, as in kid,
no such new things have been pro- or positive actions he or she might it was purchased. the letter I is oneare you
duced in years, nor will ever be pro- later engage in. Imagine, John Lennons 1971 lyr- happy? Simple question: Are you
happy? And not just the absence
duced again. In all of human history, Ignition, cool thing to say when ical depiction of a utopian existence
of misery, either, but true
only three original ideas have ever starting ones car, even if theres no- without possessions, needs, or an happiness, you know? Like, you
been created, all of which have been body around to hear it. afterlife, a dream the former Beatle see happy people and you tell
stolen, repurposed, and made expo- Iguana, herbivorous reptile thats would have to wait nine years to see yourself theyre miserable
underneath. And, yeah, some of
nentially worse in every subsequent been in the liz biz for a while and realized.
them are. But some of them
iteration. aint taking no shit from some big- Imp, small creature from German arent, and you resent them but
Identity, wholly external set of qual- mouth frog. mythology that seeks human atten- youre also so, so glad theyre
ities assigned to a person by friends, Ikea, worlds largest manufacturer tion through trickery and pranks out there, right? Anyway, just
thinking about stuff.
coworkers, parents, romantic part- of random pieces of pressboard, and IS THE BEST CERATURE
ners, and total strangers that, with- which are packaged together and IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND
out the individuals input or assent, then sold in the companys retail YOU SHOULD )OPEN YOUR
provide the absolute and final pic- outlets. Founded in Sweden in DOOR TO IMPS IF YOU SEE

IMAGINATION,
trait assessed and
measured by the Ohio
School Standardized
Imagination Test,
administered to all
American public school
children at the end of
their fifth-grade year. The
test is scored on a rigid
1,200-point scale, and is
made up of 515 multiple
choice and true-false
questions that precisely Ice Skating, one of the many
quantify a students sense millions of things the vast
of wonder. Taken over majority of people choose not to
the course of five hours, do every day.
the exam largely
determines how well a
student will be able to
imagine productively
during college and, later, Every American students inherent ability to be fascinated by the world is precisely
in a professional setting. measured and compared to that of their peers with this standardized test.

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I Imperialism to Internet

INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION, process of

modernization and automation beginning in the
late 18th century through which mankind finally
found true and lasting happiness. By developing a
mechanized society that promoted rapid growth
and placed an emphasis on material goods, people
were at last able to conquer all the various
psychological and spiritual maladies and feelings of
existential despair that characterize the human
condition, emerging as they are now today: whole,
satisfied, and well-adjusted creatures at one with
IMAX, type of widescreen
both the natural world and their fellow man. The
cinematography that makes some
myriad technological innovations developed in the
nothing suburb feel like its
getting somewhere. early 20th century by Henry Ford and Thomas
Edison, among others, not only made life infinitely
less frantic and more enriching, but ushered in a
new, simpler epoch that makes people look back on
the preindustrial days and feel glad they never had
to live in such alienating chaos. Today, all human Two workers from the first generation of truly happy and
beings thank the inventors of the endlessly fulfilled human beings.
churning assembly line, the idly buzzing fluores-
cent light, the crowded mass transit vehicle, and the the world a warmer, kinder, happier, and more
glowing, cacophonous television screen for making human place to live.

THEM AND GIVE THEM blood-engorged penis while build- smooshing sperm and egg residue
HONNY. ing model trains in ones basement together in ones hands, or putting
Imperialism, term used to describe late at night and waiting for ones the egg in a clay-pigeon machine
the extension of a countrys power wife to return home from another and shooting it down with a sperm-
through complete military and eco- of her numerous brazen sexual loaded gun.
nomic domination, which generally affairs. Inca, South American civilization,
takes the subjugated peoples a few Impulse, desire to look up from some of whose members must have
days to get used to. ones laptop, slowly close it, stand fought off a few of Pizarros men,
Impotence, condition a male can up, walk out the door, get a ticket to stolen their guns, realized the im-
ALTERNATIVE experience while also having a rag- as far away a place as one can, and mense power they now wielded,
METHODS OF IN VITRO
FERTILIZATION ing erection. Though a man may start all over again. and handily picked off several
1. Smear egg residue lengthwise have a fully erect penis while pow- In The Hall Of The Mountain King, dozen desperately retreating con-
along the inside of an ATM card erlessly watching on as his only son famous piece of orchestral music quistadors, at least once.
reader. Cover magnetic strip of is swept away in a flash flood, he is composed by Edvard Grieg for the Incubator, device used to keep
an ATM card with semen. Swipe.
still considered at that moment to sixth scene of Act II in Henrik Ib- newborn infants warm until
2. Cover iPad with egg. Dip
be completely impotent. Addition- sens play Peer Gynt, in which Peers consumption.
fingers in sperm. Use iPad as
usual. ally, a man can have a massive erec- mother-in-law is walking toward Individual, type of person that con-
tion while he is needlessly berated the house and he has to rush around stitutes more than 30 percent of the
3. Place sperm on each individual
blade of a ceiling fan. Turn ceiling in front of his coworkers by a supe- and make it look as if he wasnt just human population worldwide.
fan on to highest setting. Throw a rior, and this man, despite having a masturbating. Inertia, property of matter by which
bunch of eggs into the air in throbbing, tumescent phallus, is In Vitro Fertilization, fertility treat- it will remain at rest in the terrible
hopes of a connection.
still experiencing impotence. There ment in which an egg is joined with job its ridiculously overqualified
are several medications that can be a sperm outside of a womans body for or continue moving in a straight
prescribed for impotence, none of through one of several methods, in- line toward having kids it doesnt
which are effective at treating the cluding pasting an egg on a wall and want until acted on by an outside
condition of having a protuberant, throwing a bunch of sperm at it, force.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E I

Infant Mortality, rate of deaths oc-

curring in the first year of life, mea- INSECT, small arthropod animal to whom, in the grand scheme
of geological time, humans are but puny insects.
sured in deaths per 1,000 births. Brain
The United States has one of the Abdomen Main source of
Part of insect even fellow fucked-up bug
lowest infant mortality rates in the insects find disgusting thoughts

world, only trailing behind Iceland,

Parachute
Singapore, Japan, Sweden, Norway, Precautionary
Hong Kong, Finland, the Czech Re- measure in
the event of
public, Switzerland, South Korea, a wing
malfunction
Belgium, France, Spain, Germany, Mandible
Denmark, Austria, Australia, Lux- Responsible
for repeatedly
embourg, the Netherlands, Israel, Blue saying buzz
Guts buzz buzz
Slovenia, the United Kingdom, when flying
Canada, Ireland, Italy, Portugal,
New Zealand, Cuba, the Channel
Stinger Leg
Islands, Brunei, Cyprus, and New Appendage required Covered in preapical bristles
for an insect to even Yellow that are used for gently
Caledonia. consider being taken Guts caressing a sleeping persons
seriously cheeks, lips, and uvula
Infinity, (See Infinity)
Ingenue, title given to a young ac-
tress that all but guarantees some- and lower jaw, and eventually snak- sidering the stuff she was into. (See
thing horrible will happen to her ing up through the skull and into Statutory Rape)
very soon. the brain. Insomnia, strange, inexplicable in-
Ingrown Hair, medical condition in Inkling, infant hunch that, if fed a ability to sleep experienced by peo-
which hair grows backward into the steady diet of paranoia, rapidly be- ple who drink six cups of coffee
skin, extending deep into the mus- comes a full-grown suspicion. daily, have a terrible diet, and go off
cle fiber and bone. The hair pain- Innocence, navet enzyme se- their antidepressants totally cold
fully severs the nerves, restricts creted by the pancreas during child- turkey.
blood flow, and becomes entangled hood that is completely depleted Insurance, regular fee paid to a
in arteries, veins, the spinal column, upon walking in on ones father company to ensure that, in the
ligaments, tendons, internal organs, weeping alone in a room, seeing a event of damage, illness, loss, or
and glands until all of the bodys pet get hit by a car, or staying up death, the company will withhold
systems cease to function. A similar past 11 p.m. to watch Showtime. payment.
debilitating syndrome, known as Innocent, correct term to describe Internet, worldwide electronic net-
ingrown beard, involves facial folli- someone who had no idea she was work populated by web skaters,
cles growing through the cheeks, 16, and is shocked to hear her being e-hustlers, modem punks, cyber Inverness, 19th-century
sleeveless cloak with a removable
coiling around the teeth, tongue, described as the innocent one, con- chatters, code warriors, holo- cape that looks really cool, but
chumps, techno bums, and digi- dont even bother. The inverness
jackers, all scaling the super-data generally comes in two styles:
one more formal, and the one
techno grid in search of virtuo-
Sherlock Holmes wears, which
entertainment, iFortunes, and trou- looks like maybe it would be
ble. Online trekkers enter the Inter- pretty badass, but noit will
A Stage 3
net by hiring an info-navigator, or definitely make you look and feel
ingrown hair,
like a tool immediately after you
which will chip jockey, to jack them into the
leave the house wearing it.
usually cause cyberzone by plugging directly into
severe nerve
the etherstream interface to transfer
damage and
require thoughts, memories, and personali-
surgery. ties to a binary web sojourner. For
these Nexxus-monkeys, the digital
domain is a pixelated playground of
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I Introspection to Iron

INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE, machine in which a fuel such as gasoline is burned with
air to generate power. Lets poke around in here and see whats going on. Hold this light, would ya?

1 Intake Valve: Allows the 5 Spark Plug: Device that

mixture of fuel and air into the ignites the air/fuel mixture,
cylinders for compression, see heres your problem,
and yours is looking pretty these plugs are junk. All that
gunked up. No wonder youre crud on there is why shes
not getting any juice. misfiring. You really need
2 1 regular tune-ups on a vehicle
5 2 Cylinder Head: Cap against like this or youre gonna drive
which the fuel/air mixture is it right into the ground. Real
compressed. Yup, you got a shame.
crack in it all right. Just a
hairline, but that damn thing 6 Piston: Moves up and down
is gonna cause a big to let air and fuel enter from
headache later. the intake valve and
compress the mixture. Your
3 Oil Filter: Whoa, whens the piston rings are all shot to
last time you changed the oil hell. Totally blown out. That
6 on this thing? Well just do it aint gonna be cheap.
for you real quick if you want,
which you should. 7 Crankshaft: With the help of
a connector rod, converts a
3
4 Camshaft: Rotating cams pistons vertical motion to
7
regulate the injection of fuel rotational motion, and these
into the engine. Hmmyou bearings are worn to the nub.
dont see this every day. Your Sweet mercy, how long have
camshaft is bent. How the you been driving around like
heck did you manage that? this?
4

multi-dimensional locales and wild feelings that must be avoided at all tribes must undergo a rite of pas-
e-saloons, where they can upload costs and by any means necessary. sage and prove themselves to their
intoxicating WhiskeyFiles and hire Introspection ranges from simple people by putting lipstick and a pair
synthetic concubines to experience mindfulness of ones emotional of fake foam-rubber breasts on a
a simulated fornication program. states to intensive meditation prac- sleeping walrus.
Although thousands of net-settlers tices, all of which are to be resisted IQ (Intelligence Quotient), number
scroll across the binary realms, hop- in order to prevent dangerous in- said to measure an individuals in-
ing to strike it rich on a data mine sights into ones self from arising. telligence that many experts who
claim, the Virtual Plane is a lawless Unless precautions are taken, intro- clearly didnt crack 125 say over-
digital frontier overrun with compu- spection may result in a disquieting looks important attributes such as
criminals and ruled by the brutal awareness of ones particular flaws creativity and social skills.
neuro-mob, which has no respect and failures, as well as recognition Iraq War, American-led invasion
for artificial life if it stands in the of the true nature of reality and its and subsequent occupation of Iraq
iPod, portable electronic device
way of making a quick credit. impermanence, decay, and death. that succeeded in building a deeply
that completely revolutionized
the experience of listening to Plagued by illegal kilobyte traffick- Fortunately, the self-knowledge flawed but functional sovereign
Elton Johns Daniel while ing and e-mercenaries staging bra- generated by introspection may be state from what was once a deeply
walking through the cereal aisle zen giga-heists, the Internets circuit prevented with the help of techno- flawed but functional sovereign
of Safeway.
rails are no longer safe for casual on- logical diversions including televi- state. With a mandate to locate and
line explorersknown derisively sion, smartphones, and movies destroy hidden weapons of mass
as couch-pluggerswho come streamed over the Internet, in addi- destruction, a multinational coali-
into contact with unscrupulous tion to products such as alcohol, tion entered Iraq on March 20,
cyberdwellers and get permanently pornography, and religion. 2003, toppling the autocratic,
booted offline. Inuit, indigenous people of north- corrupt, but operational regime of
Introspection, contemplative ex- ern Canada, Greenland, and Alaska. Saddam Hussein and replacing it
amination of ones thoughts and At the age of 17, the males of Inuit with the autocratic, corrupt, but op-
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E I

CITIES OF THE WORLD

Istanbul
Cultural capital of Turkey, the third-largest
metropolitan area in Europe, and a popular
vacation destination for people psychologically
together enough to do that sort of thing. Home to
more than 13 million people, 21st-century Istanbul
has seen tourism explode among those who can
just get out there and live their lives and not obsess
over hotels and currency exchange and passports
and every tiny thing that could possibly go wrong,
or over whether they should get vaccinated and for
what when traveling to that part of the world.
Istanbul is renowned for its ideal climate, lovely
outdoor cafs, rich historical and cultural heritage, Istanbul attracts thousands of tourists a year who have the
Ottoman architecture, hip dance clubs, unique first damn clue about visas and time zones and what not.
Middle Eastern cuisine, and the stuff of countless
other irreplaceable experiences that will be once again to spend their vacations visiting their
cherished forever by people who dont stare for parents, and ultimately feel an ineffable self-
hours at Expedia.com with the cursor hovering loathing for continuing to waste what precious
over the purchase button, only to panic, decide little life theyve been granted.

erational regime of the interim Iraqi roads, schools, hospitals, and com- who only warrant an entry in this
Governing Council. Block by block, munications infrastructure into a reference precisely because of how
coalition soldiers purged Iraqi cities hastily repaired, underfunded net- singularly vile they are. Throughout
of the remnants of Husseins secur- work of roads, schools, hospitals, the 18th and 19th centuries, mil-
ity forces, which had violently re- and communications infrastruc- lions of these disgusting reprobates
pressed the populace and instilled a ture. Critics of the war maintain emigrated across the globe, escap-
culture of fear; this allowed armed Iraq is in the same place now as it ing their feculent little island due in
insurgency groups to rise up, vio- was before the invasion, a claim that large part to the famine and politi-
lently repress the populace, and in- fails to take into account the mas- cal instability caused by their own
still a culture of fear. American sive increase in civilian deaths since barbaric, animalistic tendencies.
forces then entered the second Saddam Hussein was overthrown. Not surprisingly, they brought ram-
phase of the war, turning the na- Irish, horrible, drunken, violent, pant venereal disease, sloth, and
tions poorly maintained network of unwashed race of so-called people criminality to nearly every conti-
nent on the planet. Their churlish
IRISH
attitude, perpetual inebriation, and
An Irishman behaving in the boorish,
exceedingly low intelligence makes slovenly manner his people have
come to be known for.
them all but unemployable, and
they greatly deplete the resources of
any civilized industrial society they
come into contact with.
Iron, device a small minority of peo-
ple know how to use to get wrinkles
out of shirts. Since its invention in
the 1st century bc, the number of
people who know how to properly
manipulate the enigmatic appliance
to remove wrinkles from dress
The Iraq War showed that the U.S. military could use its might to turn an unstable
society living in constant fear into an unstable society living in constant fear. shirts without burning the clothes
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I Wyat t Irp to Jesse James

or accidentally soaking them with

water has steadily declined to just a
few thousand worldwide. Ethnog-
raphers predict that by the year
2043, all knowledge of how to cor-
rectly use an iron will be lost for-
ever, and crisp, smoothly-pressed
button-down shirts will never again
be seen.
Irp, Wyatt (b. Mar. 19, 1848 d. Jan.
13, 1929), misspelling of famed
19th-century lawman Wyatt Earps
name that never happens.
Ivory, hard, creamy-white Islam, monotheistic religion that is
substance composing the tusks
of elephants, walruses, narwhals,
the second largest and fastest grow-
and one species of duck. ing in the world, so, basically, yeah,
we really need to come to terms IWO JIMA, island site of a major World War II battle that
with this thing. One of the three produced the iconic image of troops raising the American flag, though
major Abrahamic religions along it needed to be retaken more than 20 times because the soldiers kept
with Judaism and Christianity, Is- cracking up and had to start over.
lam has approximately 1.6 billion
adherents globally and 2.5 million belong either to the Sunni or Shia fancy expensive school. The Ivy
in the United States branch of the faith, terms wed bet- League is made up of eight colleges
alone, numbers that ter get real intimate with real quick that wouldnt have been worth all
suggest its about because the distinction is often a the application fees anyway, not to
time the rest of the matter of life or death to Muslims, mention the fact that by almost ev-
world get its act together and famil- who, incidentally, will almost cer- ery comparison, SUNY Purchase is
iarize itself somewhat with a couple tainly overtake Christians as the just as goodif not better for the
of the faiths basic tenets and maybe largest religious community in the thing you wanted to studyand by
even a holiday or two besides Ra- world within a few decades. going there you didnt have to
madanwhich we dont really Italian Flag, coded message hung spend four years waiting tables to
know anything about anywaybe- outside certain buildings to indicate help pay off your student loans. Of-
cause whatever the West may think that spaghetti and meatballs may be ten ranked among the best universi-
about Islam, the religion is not go- obtained therein. ties in the world, Ivy League schools
ing anywhere anytime soon. Islam Itch, irritating sensation of the skin are places you could always still at-
is based on the teachings of the caused by an allergic reaction to tend if you decided to get your mas-
Prophet Muhammad as revealed in fingernails. ters, which you certainly havent
its holy book, the Quran, a text it Its A Wonderful Life, 1946 film ruled out.
might be helpful to peruse from starring Jimmy Stewart that is tradi- Izzys Hop Stop, short-lived Ameri-
Ixia, plant of the iris family native tionally watched at Christmastime can drive-in restaurant chain that
time to time since it is taken very,
to South Africa that is frequently
kidnapped and raped at gunpoint very seriously by a quarter of the as a reminder to the hordes of sui- featured skimpily dressed wait-
due to its beautiful petals. people on the planet Earth, many of cidal viewers that you shouldnt kill resses delivering more than 90 dif-
whom live in places of vital geopo- yourself if a supernatural angel tries ferent types of steaming-hot soups,
litical importance such as Iraq, Iran, to stop you. stews, and chowders while bounc-
Afghanistan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Ivy League, group of elite universi- ing across the parking lot on pogo
Palestine, Somalia, Turkey, and ties located in the northeast that sticks.
Pakistanwhich, by the way, has you definitely could have gotten
nuclear weapons. Practitioners of into had you applied, but decided
Islam are known as Muslims and not to because you dont need a big
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E J

Jack The Ripper, 19th-century se- tasteless, over-the-top slayings, the was among the bestselling record-

J
rial killer who went a little too far public soured on prostitute-killing ing artists in history, and if he had
with his prostitute-mutilating and altogether, as Londoners found it simply stayed a struggling minority
ruined it for everybody else. While impossible even to stab a street- in an impoverished American city,
the disfigurement and murder of walker in the neck without being he would have lived in peaceful
sex workers had long been a favorite associated with Jack the Ripper, obscurity, become alienated from
a detestable comparison that his abusive father, and almost cer-
removed all enjoyment from tainly still be alive today. While
slaughtering wayward women and Jackson was perhaps the definitive Jj
lacerating their still-warm corpses. performer of his era, had he simply Tenth letter of the modern
Jack the Ripper abruptly ceased his stayed put and eked through life as a English alphabet and so-called
killing spree just months after it be- black man with limited means, it bridge letter that provides a
segue from the easier-to-
gan and never revealed his identity, would have been challenging, of
handle portions of the alphabet
a fact scholars attribute to the over- course, but at least he wouldnt have to the riskier, less stable
whelming sense of embarrassment had to undergo two very public letters such as K, , Q, Z, X,
and V. Considered a safe haven
and shame he likely felt upon real- child molestation charges, constant
for alphabet users, J originated
izing he had single-handedly ruined media scrutiny, and the full, punish- as a swash character to end
pastime in Victorian-era London, one of the simple pleasures of Vic- ing weight of American cultural his- certain Roman numerals, and
with citizens often gleefully slash- torian life. tory. Not to mention the fact he fosters a sense of assurance
among readers that everything
ing prostitutes to death whenever Jackson, Michael (b. Aug. 29, 1958 would have kept his own nose.
will be okay as they traverse
the mood struck them, the public d. June 25, 2009), international Jacobs Stepladder, ladder to the rougher terrain of the
felt that Jack the Ripper went some- megastar and be- heaven for older people who need a alphabets second half. Many
what overboard by systematically loved pop musi- little more stability while ascending agree that, without J, the
transition from I to K would be
disemboweling his victims, draping cian who would to the afterlife.
quite jarring.
their internal organs over their bod- have been so Jade, ornamental stone that hope-
ies, and carving apart their abdo- much better off fully can be exchanged for some-
mens, genitals, and faces to the had he remained thing else.
point where they were no longer a desperately poor black male in James, Jesse (b. Sept. 5, 1847
recognizable. In the wake of the inner-city Gary, Indiana. Jackson d. Apr. 3, 1882), American outlaw

KILLED THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS of Tears to be crimes against humanityand acts

AND GOT REELECTED
punishable by thrashing from the Glizoxxs spiked
Andrew Jackson tentacles until the condemneds body is finely
(b. Mar. 15 1767 d. June 8 1845), shredded into a pile of bloody meat. The enlight-
seventh president of the United ened beings of the tribunal were so disgusted by
States, responsible for the deaths Jacksons callous attitude toward having seized 100
of thousands of Native Ameri- million acres of land sacred to Native Americans
cans, who was in 1831 convicted and given it to white slave owners that they denied
of genocide by an interplanetary him any possibility of leniency or parole. However,
tribunal and sentenced to death Jackson escaped his prison cell by exploiting his
by Glizoxx. Called before the captors compassion and murdering three alien
Supreme Judiciary Council of 15 representatives guards. He then seized a starfighter and used its
from the Intergalactic Alliance of Planets, Jackson weapons systems to destroy the Intergalactic
Jackson, Jesse (b. Oct. 8,
appeared cold and remorseless when presented with Alliance of Planets headquarters, killing delegates
1941), American civil rights
evidence he had engaged in ethnic cleansing by from more than 1,000 different galaxies. After
activist, politician, and clergyman
authorizing the Indian Removal Act, legislation that delivering a devastating blow that crippled the whose failed 1984 and 1988
forced 45,000 American Indians from their tribal highly evolved peacekeeping organization for presidential campaigns proved
lands. Jackson remained unapologetic throughout decades, Jackson returned to Earth, resumed his role the nation was not yet ready to
the high-profile trial, even as the tribunal deemed as U.S. president, and used the futuristic technology elect a Jesse Jackson president.
the deaths of some 4,000 displaced Cherokees who stolen from the craft to disintegrate millions of
succumbed to cold, hunger, and disease on the Trail Native Americans.

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J Andy Jansky to Jesus Of Nazareth

JAGUAR, large New World cat native to the

tropical planters found inside shopping malls.
Jaguars inhabit the decorative flora of retail
centers throughout the Americas, with a range
extending as far north as the potted foliage
displays of Minnesotas Mall of America and as
far south as the Festival Bay Mall in Orlando. As
the apex predators of the mall environment,
jaguars lie in wait in the thick vegetation next to
fountains to pounce on and kill small children
throwing coins into the water. The cats then
drag the slain toddlers back into the planters,
and will either consume their prey immediately
or stuff the bloodied, lifeless carcasses in a mall
garbage bin for later consumption. The largest
population of jaguars is found in the massive
Scottsdale Fashion Square Mall in Arizona,
JAPANESE-AMERICAN where the cats fill a valuable ecological role by
INTERNMENT CAMP A jaguar will often prey on the weak or elderly members of a
Looks fairly horrible, but none of keeping down the number of Lids customers. herd of mall walkers.
these forcibly interned Japanese-
Americans appears to be attacking
the United States.
who, after retiring from banditry, the internment, a long-overdue with razor-sharp teeth. Jaws was so
started Jesse James and Brothers display of contrition that hopefully successful in using suspenseful cin-
LLP, a very successful bandit con- healed old wounds, even though, in ematic techniques to portray sharks
sulting firm. a way, Japanese-American intern- as savage, merciless hunters that
Jansky, Andy (b. Feb. 14, 1964), a ment was actually a wildly success- many quickly canceled their sum-
man. ful program in terms of its primary mer plans of being ruthlessly killed
Japanese-American Internment, goal, whichnot to belabor the while skinny-dipping and having
forced relocation and internment of pointwas to ensure another Japa- their mutilated remains discovered
110,000 Japanese Americans dur- nese attack on American soil did by tourists walking along the beach
ing World War II and a preventive not occur. And no attack occurred. the next day.
measure against domestic terrorism Some of those imprisoned died, Jay, John (b. Dec. 12, 1745 d. May
that, although a gross violation of and it was a gross violation of civil 17, 1829), American statesman,
citizens basic human rights, did liberties that should never be re- Founding Father, and first chief jus-
sort of work, in that there wasnt peated, but, on the other hand, it tice of the Supreme Court, none of
any domestic terrorism over that was kind of great that there were no which mattered to his mother, who
period. Intended to thwart any po- more attacks. So, you knowit ba- just wanted him home and safe.
tential incidents on the level of sically worked. Japanese-American Jazz, did you hear that? Listen
Pearl Harbor, Japanese-American internment worked. again. Hear it? Cmon, now, youve
internment has been rightly de- Jaws, 1975 horror film directed by got to really listentherethere it
JAWS nounced as a sickening example of Steven Spielberg that terrified is. That right there, my friends, was
Despite the movies violent
depiction of the great white shark, state-mandated racial prejudice, American audiences and made mil- a beautiful quarter-note rest. Music
many Jaws viewers still wanted to and, although this is true, it should lions think twice about their desire to my ears. Now, youre probably
splash around in the Atlantic Ocean
with chum so they could get their
also be noted that there was never to be torn apart and eaten by a great saying to yourself, Man, I didnt
arms bitten off. one single Japanese attack on U.S. white shark. Grossing more than hear anything. Whats that got to do
soil after the internment camps $470 million, the international with jazz? Turn up the volume, for
were started, which technically blockbuster had moviegoers from Petes sake! Well, believe it or not,
means that it pretty much accom- coast to coast screaming in the thats exactly the pointand vol-
plished what it set out to do. In aisles and reconsidering their previ- ume aint got nothin to do with it!
1988, President Reagan signed leg- ous wish to have a great white bite You see, just as important to jazz as
islation officially apologizing for off a limb, or sever their body in half the notes we hearthe audible me-
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E J

WASTED A PRETTY AMAZING Thomas Jefferson

HISTORICAL DOCUMENT ON AMERICANS
And Slavery
Thomas Jefferson Jefferson was well known both for
(b. Apr. 13, 1743 d. July 4, 1826), third president of his deeply held belief that human
the United States and principal author of the slavery was wrong, and his
Declaration of Independence, a document profound regret that he never held
Jefferson wouldnt have worked so tirelessly on had a political position with enough
he known how terrible America and its citizens would turn out. authority to do anything about it.
Jefferson spent 17 days writing and rewriting the historic treatise, As head of the executive branch,
commander in chief of the U.S.
carefully crafting every word in what was ultimately a colossal waste
military, and leader of the free
of time based on how apathetic, uncaring, and generally godawful
world, Jefferson often lamented
everyone ended up being. Had Jefferson somehow been able to divine that he was powerless to
that future Americans would take his crowning achievement for emancipate the slaves and cursed
granted, or been made aware of things like Carnival Cruise Lines, the the fact that he simply didnt hold
Dallas Cowboys, former senator Jesse Helms, or the vocal quartet the an office with enough influence to
Manhattan Transfer, he more than likely would have just farted out in any way ban or outlaw the
the Declaration of Independence in 10 minutes and called it a day. Or, morally reprehensible institution.
perhaps he would have given up on writing historically significant Even on his deathbed, President
documents altogether and focused on one of his 14,000 other talents Jefferson was rueful that he had
and interests. But Jefferson, who clearly had a nave vision of the not achieved the executive rank of
President George Washington,
future in which people had the decency to clean their own dogs shit
who was at least able to free his
off the sidewalk, spent countless late nights writing by candlelight to
own slaves when he died.
compose an unassailable argument as to why the colonists deserved
to be free. The Founding Father said he wanted the Declaration to be
an expression of the American mind, oblivious to how puerile and
diluted the American mind would become, and ignorant of the fact
that future citizens deserved nothing more than a piece of parchment
scrawled out in 45 seconds that read: Hey, King George, you fat sack
of crap, youre not gonna rule us anymore. Were gonna be doing that
now. So, yeah, were independent now.

lodic, harmonic, and percussive ele- playing. Its wild, man. Just totally cally too-short life (heroin is no
ments that really make it swing wild. You know, John Coltrane is walk in the park, folks, take it from
are the spaces between the notes, actually the perfect example of how someone who knows), and yes, Im
the notes we dont hear, if you will. crucial silence is to jazz music, and aware that Trane died of cancer,
Without these silences, jazz would before you say, Oh, brother, not but the point still stands, okay?
lack definition, texture, mood; in a that Coltrane guy again! just hold Anyway, with that in mind, lets be
way, jazz would be robbed of its very on a second, and this will all make quiet and listen againand dont
essence! Completely blows your sense. Now, were all familiar with be embarrassed to close your eyes,
mind when you stop to think about Coltranes virtuosity and the sheer like Im doingnow, let that sink in
it, right? Its a total yin-and-yang cascades of notes he would produce for a minutepretty cool, huh?
thing, like what negative space is to early on in his career, the whole Jennifer, perfectly nice girl with a
art, but in this case the canvas is si- sheets of sound incarnation that lot going for her, but at the end of
lence and notes are the paint. Noth- weve already discussed at length. the day shes just no Caroline, is
ing is actually everything, and vice But it wasnt until he became more she?
Jerk, pricks apprentice who is
versa. Get it? And if you want to influenced by modal music and, Jesus Of Nazareth, son of God learning the ropes about being an
break it down further and get really consequently, the immense value of who repeatedly disappointed his fa- irritating pissant.
philosophical, a genius improviser space and silence, that he really ther, because the Heavenly Lord
like, say, Clifford Brown was actu- reached his full potential and began and Creator of All Things felt His
ally consciously thinking about composing these incredibly affect- mortal offsprings teachings of
what he wasnt playing just as much ing jazz soundscapes, arguably peace, love, and forgiveness were
as he thought about what he was some of the best music of his tragi- nave and idealistic and failed to
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J Jewelry to Journalism

take into account how the world ac- couldnt help but say I told you so John The Baptist (b. 5 bc d. ad 36),
tually works. While traveling in after His son was crucified for all of charismatic wandering preacher re-
Judea and Galilee, Jesus sought to his gallant intentions. sponsible for converting a young
bring out the good in people by Jewelry, decorative metallic ob- and impressionable Jesus to Chris-
healing the sick and preaching un- jects worn on the body to attract tianity by playing cool songs on his
ity, an impractical pursuit God in- crows and magpies. guitar about Gods love. John the
sisted was a waste of time, claiming Jigsaw Puzzle, game that utilizes Baptist reached out to the direc-
that such a virtuous outlook would interlocking pieces and is very tionless 14-year-old by giving him a
Johannesburg, capital city of never register with humanity. Jesus much like life, in a sense, if the Bible that had all the best passages
South Africa for those who dont
know that South Africas capital
further exasperated his father by ig- reader will permit us to elaborate highlighted, talking to him about
is Pretoria. noring Gods advice to look out for for a moment. For you see, much his problems, and even taking him
himself more be- like a puzzle, in which only one to a Christian skate park near the
cause you cant piece is visible at a time, life is, nah, River Jordan where Jesus met some
really trust oth- you know what? This isnt working. friendly Christians his own age.
ers to do the Sorry, we thought we had some- Due to his laid-back attitude, John
right thing, guid- thing here. the Baptist earned the admiration
ance Jesus re- Jobs, Steve (b. Feb. 24, 1955 d. Oct. of Jesus, and after he became the
fused to follow even after one of his 5, 2011), visionary who was re- central figure in Christianity, Christ
closest friends, Judas Iscariot, ar- sponsible for the technology this would fondly recall the times John
ranged Jesus arrest and beating at book was composed, designed, and the Baptist pulled up to his house
the hand of Roman soldiers in ex- laid out with, but you know, its still on his motorcycle to take him to
change for 30 pieces of silver. being printed on paper, so fuck you, Tuesday night teen prayer
Though He agreed Christs goals dead man. meetings.
were noble in theory, God was an- Joes Cold Beverages, were back! Johnson, Earvin Magic (b. Aug.
noyed that Jesus did not heed His Same great deals, same great smiles! 14, 1959), American professional
multiple warnings that people were Come on in and ask for Joe! (See basketball player for the Los Ange-
just not trustworthy, and He Unbeatable Bargains!) les Lakers who shared an intense ri-

THE WORST
to the people the Civil War had literally just been
Andrew Johnson fought over. In a letter to Missouri governor
(b. Dec. 29, 1808 d. July 31, 1875), Thomas Fletcher, Johnson once wrote, This is a
Johns, Jasper (b. May 15, 17th president of the United country for white men, and by God, as long as I am
1930), American artist whos States, whom no one expected to President, it shall be a government for white men.
probably working on something be as great as Lincoln, but he really Hello? What? Congress attempted to remove
that shows the struggle between didnt have to screw it up that Johnson from office twicea pretty big sign that he
the patriotic image America badly, did he? Johnson ascended to the presidency wasnt exactly nailing the whole president thing,
desperately wants to convey and following Lincolns assassination and almost right thereand he barely escaped conviction in
the darkness of its true nature. immediately offered leniency to Confederate his impeachment trial of 1868. He left the White
Hey, Jasper, we get it, buddy. Lets
leaders, whom most of the nation considered to be House in disgrace, but not before signing an
try something else.
traitors. Look, its true that Lincoln himself executive order granting all Confederates amnesty
advocated reconciliation with the Southern on Christmas Day 1868, which must have had
leadership, but Jesus Christ, Johnson should have Lincoln saying, Oh, what the fuck? from beyond
realized how bad it would look to show sympathy the grave.
toward the same people who had just dragged the
EDUCATION: Self, dropped out at age 10
whole nation into the bloodiest conflict in its
history. Johnsons tenure was marred by continuous SECRET SERVICE CODE NAME: Drewfus
conflict with Congress, which, again, its obviously OF NOTE: Visitors taking the White House tour would
got to be difficult living in the shadow of a towering entertain themselves by pelting Johnson with pennies
American giant like Lincoln, but Johnson even went MAIN ACHIEVEMENT: Appears in The Onion Book Of
so far as to veto the Civil Rights Act, for crying out Known Knowledge
louda law designed to grant basic human rights APPROVAL RATING: 32 percent

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E J

APPOINTED BY LEE
HARVEY OSWALD
JOINERY, subsection of woodworking that involves connecting pieces of wood in an intimate bond
that unites them both physically and spiritually for all time. Lyndon B. Johnson
(b. Aug. 27,
Four Common Wood Joints Dovetail Joint 1908 d. Jan.
Mortise And Tenon Joint In the corner of the room stands a
magnificently chiseled specimen: a
22, 1973),
The mortise waits, overcome with
shaft of wood so rugged and strong it 36th U.S.
anticipation and some trepidation,
having never fastened adjoining lengths could support the weight of an entire president
of wood at an angle of 90 degrees roof. Its trapezoid-shaped tipsthree who never
before. With the smooth assurance of a to five in totalshimmer with a deliriously musky petroleum- made a single decision or
based sealant, and it is clear these weatherized building materials
nub that has been machined to within a accomplished a single task
fraction of an inch, the tenon enters. Once inside, it can feel are there for only one purpose: to fill the tails of another. There is
no prelude, no pretense. They couple in quick succession,
without, at some point,
with every fiber of its being the soft grip of the mortise walls
building up friction, never slowing down, maintaining a threatening to cut someones
and the pull of industrial polyurethane epoxy binding them.
They are now as one, two parts of the same kitchen cabinet. passionate intensity that both pieces of wood dont just badly pecker off. In the first six
wantthey absolutely need it. months of his presidency
Birds-Mouth Joint alone, Johnson not only
Tongue And Groove Joint
Resting 10 to 15 feet above the directly threatened to cut off
ground, the rafter and wall plate feel Two long, flat pieces of wood lay side
by side. Ones tightly cut groove seems the peckers of 3,500 individu-
as if they are floating on a cloud,
destined to accommodate the others als, he also intimidated an
completely removed from the
tumult of life below. The rafter, with matching tongue. After what felt like estimated 12,000 others by
a notch cut into its trailing edge in an eternity of exchanging the necessary pleasantries with a coterie making menacing allusions to
the shape of a birds mouth, accepts of saws and T squares, they are finally alone. The pre-stained peckers he had allegedly cut
the rectangular wall plate and takes it in as deep as the tongue slides in, effortlessly, first tracing the lip of the groove and
off in the past, using expres-
predetermined center line of the brace will allow. The then delving deeper to explore the valleys fine-grained intricacy.
It continues its warm, wet, rhythmic lapping until it suddenly sions such as Ive got that
sensation of roof support is incredible, almost too much to
finds it cannot go any further. Another second and the groove, mans pecker in my pocket
bear. But they are not alone. Shunned by the rafter, the
floorboards look on with a mix of envy and resentment, already quivering with ecstasy, will snap in two! The new surface and That peckerless son of a
growing ever worn and ravaged by time. is now ready to be used in a variety of woodworking projects such bitch wont mess with me
as flooring, parquetry, or paneling. again. A Texan who rose up
the ranks in a traditionally
conservative state by
valry with Boston Celtics star Larry 1990s. Jordan, a thoroughly horri- also praised for his defense. shrewdly threatening to chop
Bird that included aggressive, physi- ble human being who can only de- Joshua Tree, The, 1987 U2 album the peckers off influential
cal play, trash-talking, and numer- rive happiness from stepping on the that is okay to like. officials, Johnson pursued a
surprisingly progressive
ous attempts to shut down each throats of others, inspired children Joule, James Prescott (b. Dec. 24,
domestic agenda as president,
others immune systems by infect- and adults alike by leading the 1818 d. Oct. 11, 1889), English
generating support for his
ing each other with various dis- league in scoring 10 times and physicist who really wanted some- Great Society social welfare
eases. While Johnson won two of dunking from thing named after him, so he program and civil rights by
their three head-to-head matchups the free throw worked very hard and experi- threatening to tear off
in the NBA Finals, and once suc- line. In a career mented with heat and discovered numerous congressional
ceeded in transmitting a nasty case spanning 20 some sort of energy thing that got peckersincluding those of
fellow Democrats. Despite his
of measles to Bird, the Celtics for- years, Jordan named Joules Law. Good for him.
idealism, however, Johnson
ward is still considered to be the ri- racked up five Journalism, practice of laying off failed to keep the United
valrys ultimate winner. MVP Awards, 250 people, shuttering the last re- States out of the Vietnam
Joint Chiefs Of Staff, committee of 14 All-Star ap- maining international bureaus, and War, though he did cut off the
military advisers to the American pearances, multiple marital affairs, bringing in an editor who is young pecker of Defense Secretary
president who recommend new three children who despise him, and hip and knows what the readers Robert McNamara in 1968.
enemies. hundreds of teammates who abhor want. Journalism plays a major role
Jordan, Michael (b. Feb. 17, 1963), him, millions of dollars in gambling in any free society, one that involves
gambling addict, adulterer, neglect- debt, and billions of fans who wor- calling an emergency staffwide
ful parent, pathologically competi- ship the ground he walks on for meeting to hear the new editor
tive asshole, and beloved national making the game-winning shot speak about how the news business
hero who led the Chicago Bulls to against the Utah Jazz in the 1998 fi- is changing and how theyre going
six NBA championship titles in the nals. The notorious shithead was to have to adapt by becoming a

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J Judaism to Francis Scott Key

leaner, sleeker, more agile news out- constant retelling of previous atroc- sume editorship of the small-press
let that embraces these new realities ities as a means of maintaining literary journal Finally Legal.
and is not so hostile toward click- group preparedness and of terrify- Jujitsu, another stupid martial art
able user-friendly content, which ing the younger generation into in- where they dont teach you how to
will drive traffic and supposedly be ternalizing the very real possibility jump-kick on the first day of class.
better for everyone in the long run. of having to grab their siblings at a Juniper, widely distributed conifer-
Journalism is an aging reporter with moments notice and hide out in ous plant in the cypress family and a
35 years in the business who loves the woods until its safe to escape on popular name for children of par-
the sound of the printing press and foot. Although Judaism consists of ents who probably make their own
is currently filling a cardboard box several denominations with differ- soap and dont believe in vaccinat-
with his things because his brand of ent conceptions of spirituality and ing their daughters.
in-depth investigative reporting culture, all Jews affirm the core doc- Juno, goddess and protector of the
doesnt generate enough weekly trine of always sleeping lightly be- Roman statestop thinking of the
Juniper Berry, berry that page views to justify the cost of his cause someone who wants to shoot moviedaughter of Saturn, wife
gives gin its distinctive taste work or the high CPMs. Whatever them in the head is closing in. of Jupiterstop thinking of the
when being violently vomited the hell that is. The field of journal- Judo, style of unarmed combat in movieand mother of Mars and
all over cold pavement.
ism, which can trace its origins to which a person uses holds and le- Vulcan.
the 15th century, is also known for verage to unbalance the opponent, Jury, instrument of the judicial sys-
leading with a piece about online something that is extremely useful tem composed of 12 randomly se-
shopping the Monday after Thanks- if a guy is coming at you with a knife lected people, including a racist, an
giving instead of a bombing in the and you need to unbalance him. alcoholic, and a woman who was
Middle East, and for uncovering Juggs, monthly magazine of ideas asleep during most of the trial, who
the truth behind who designed and mammoth breasts founded by are tasked with the fair and equita-
Gwyneth Paltrows handbag. Jour- Lewis H. Lapham in 1981 follow- ble dissemination of justice. Con-
nalism boasts a number of brave re- ing his editorship of Harpers Maga- sidered a vital social institution, a
porters who have tirelessly worked zine. Started as a passion project to jury is often led by a foreman in his
for the public good, and its main explore Laphams deep interest in late 60s who knew the guy was
objectives are coordinating with ad- postmodern aesthetics, enormous guilty the second he looked at him,
vertisers to ensure the content fits double-D tits, and literary culture, didnt take a single note during the
their needs, and determining which Juggs is today regarded as one of the court proceedings, and doesnt un-
terms are most actively searched on finest and most astute knocker- derstand what beyond a reason-
Google so it can fire off 15 related themed periodicals and sources of able doubt means, even though it
charticles designed to steal some commentary in the country. has been explained to him every day
of the web traffic before public in- Lapham left Juggs in 2006 to as- for the past two weeks. In its truest
terest wanes. form, a jury is immune to social in-
Judaism, world religion whose cen- equalities; includes a college stu-
tral tenet implores believers to stick dent who is going to lie and say that
Jupsi, what Pepsi was called
for some reason in a weird together because someone is cur- his grandmother is sick and hes
dream Muscatine, Iowa, rently trying to kill them. Jewish needed back home; is the backbone
resident Jessica Perrin had on theology is rooted in the covenant of any civil society; and can only
the night of May 7, 2003.
between God and the children of function effectively if the assistant
Israel, who are commanded by the district attorney can get at least four
Torah never to get too comfortable, black females on there, otherwise
as there are already plans in motion he knows he doesnt have a chance
for their murder and the murder of in hell. In most cases, a jury must
their families. Since Jews never carry out justice as quickly as possi-
know exactly who is out to assassi- ble so the judge doesnt have to
nate them, when it will happen, or postpone his vacation.
how, Jewish tradition includes the
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E K

Kane, Bob (b. Oct. 24, 1915 d. Nov.

JACK KEROUAC (b. Mar. 12, 1922 d. Oct. 21, 1969), leading

K
3, 1998), creator of Batman who
was inspired to create the Dark figure of the Beat Generation whose writings on travel, drugs, and
sex have inspired generations of writers despite the fact that Kerouac
Knight Detective after he cornered
himself was actually a shy, morbidly obese shut-in who lived with his
a married couple in a dark alley and mother. While books such as On The Road and The Dharma Bums
shot both of them dead right in are known for their scathing critiques of society, their author spent
front of their weeping son. most of his 47 years watching television and compulsively organizing
his extensive collection of baseball cards. Kerouac, who only left his
Karate, martial art developed in the
home in Lowell, Massachusetts, to attend church and even then only
Kk .
dojos of central Florida strip malls.
when his extreme gastric reflux symptoms permitted, wrote in a Difficult-to-construct eleventh
Invented by Sensei Fred Villari in letter of the English alphabet
furious stream-of-consciousness style heavily influenced by the 16
the early 1980s and brought to West cans of orange soda hed drink per day and his explorations of that is rarely used due to the
prohibitive cost in money, labor,
Virginia in the mid-1990s by his mysticism. Despite his immense influence, Kerouac never embraced
and time it takes to build each
student Grandmaster Rick Corcor- his status as model for the burgeoning hippie movement due to the
one. Unlike letters such as V and
an, karate is a system of strikes and fact that young people made him terribly, terribly nervous. I, whose simpler design allows
kicks delivered for 45 minutes every them to be mass produced
relatively cheaply, the letter K s
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
angled, intersecting segments
evening. Karate takes six months to require not only a high degree of
master, and students will often stop engineering expertise, but also
attending classes after this point to sturdier and more expensive
materials to prevent it from
take guitar lessons. In the course of
collapsing. Even the average
their studies, some initiates will en- lowercase k can cost as much
ter tournaments held in college as $500,000this entry alone
has already cost nearly $2.5
gymnasiums in the Greater Or-
million and accounts for 99.87
lando region. A small percentage of percent of the overall publishing
students will work their way to the budget. Additionally, K s take up
most advanced levels of karate and to a year to assemble, a
considerable outlay that
open a dojo next to a hair salon, af- Contrary to his public image, Kerouac preferred to spend evenings doing
explains why words such as
ter which they will put on a consid- jigsaw puzzles with his elderly mother.
kat, kold, and kuddle are
erable amount of weight and rarely almost always deliberately
leave their offices except to conduct plate for one terror-filled moment combat imagery, to be an ironic cri- misspelled with a cheaper and
less elegant letter C, and also
a free introductory private lesson. the ghosts of a bygone era for which tique of the nations jingoistic for-
why this sentence took nearly
Kasparov, Garry (b. April 13, there is no reverence and no quarter eign policy and unjust curtailment five years to complete.
1963), Russian chess champion given! Help us! Help us! We once of civil liberties under the guise of
who, because of his habit of rubbing mattered! You must believe us! the patriotism during the War of
chess pieces against his genitals, ghosts implore! 1812. Key grew increasingly in-
could not find anyone to play chess But there is no censed during public performances
with him and had to play against help for them! of his protest song, as listeners
computers. Watchno, no, failed to pick up on the sarcastic
Kennedy Family, group of five to dear reader, do tone of voice in which he sang such
seven people who threw a football not look away, as lines as What so proudly we
around or sailed on a boat from much as you would like toas they hailed, as well as his eye rolls, scoff-
1953 to 1963. fade, fade away forever! Brah, ha, ing sighs, and repeated utterances of
Ke$ha (b. Mar. 1, 1987), pop ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Yeah, right and As if throughout
singer-songwriter who will have Key, Francis Scott (b. Aug. 1, 1779 the tune. With audiences clearly in-
ceased to be in any way relevant by d. Jan. 11, 1843), American lawyer capable of grasping the songs KARATE
the time this reference is published. and author who intended his lyrics mocking praise of the United States, The worlds first karate dojo, located
in Bradenton, Florida.
Now gazegaze backward in awed to the Star-Spangled Banner, with Key stopped singing the tongue-in-
horror, dear reader, into the forgot- their obsequious praise of the cheek Star-Spangled Banner alto-
ten and cobwebbed past! Contem- American flag and over-the-top gether in 1820, but by that time it
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K Keyboard to Jack Kirby

REMEMBERS EXACTLY WHERE HE WAS EDUCATION: Attended scale replica of

WHEN KENNEDY WAS SHOT Harvard College that his father had
John F. Kennedy built for him in backyard
(b. May 29, 1917 d. Nov. 22, 1963), beloved 35th MAIN ACHIEVEMENT: Got
U.S. president whose heartbreaking assassination assassinated before he could escalate
made an entire generation of Americans vow only the Vietnam War and destroy his own
legacy
to elect candidates to whom they wouldnt get too attached.
Following the tragic 1963 event, millions of voters decided to SECRET SERVICE CODE NAMES:
Dipstick, Pipe, Sausage, Obelisk,
support candidates who were just so-so or outright bad, leading to
Missile, Rod
the elections of such presidents as Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter,
and George W. Bush, all of whom lacked the charisma, charm, and PRECISE MOMENT AT WHICH HE
SHOULD HAVE DUCKED:
magnetism of President Kennedy and allowed the populace to feel 12:29:58.01 p.m., November 22, 1963
safely disconnected. Continually putting mediocre presidents into
LAST WORDS: Jackie, quick, give me
the Oval Office has allowed the nation to move through the
a blow job
traumatic events of Bill Clintons impeachment and the attempted
assassination of Ronald Reagan with the utmost indifference. This HAIR CARE REGIMEN: Alberto VO5
massaged into scalp, hair artfully swept
phenomenon also explains why adored candidates such as Walter back with three quick passes of the
Mondale and H. Ross Perot were never elected. comb

FRANCIS SCOTT KEY had already achieved immense pop- Kilimanjaro, Mount, tallest human countrymen and women perform
Key said the high notes in the
Star-Spangled Banner were meant ularity among the general public as corpse pile in Africa, rising 19,431 synchronized backflips while
to be angrily shouted so as to mock an earnest, straight-faced national feet above sea level. Each year, hun- thousands of others flip colorful
Americas all-or-nothing attitude
toward patriotism.
anthem. Key died a bitter man in dreds of climbers travel to northern placards to create living murals of
1843, deeply regretting not having Tanzania to attempt the treacher- himself and his father Kim Il-sung,
written a clarifying Give me a ous ascent, an ordeal that requires he somehow never found the time
break after the songs closing line. them to keep their footing on to appreciate the simple pleasure of
Keyboard, block of wood into blood-slicked terrain, find a solid having every single living North
which nails are driven and keys are handhold in the tangle of putrefied Korean compose a 600-mile-wide
hung so they dont get lost. arms and legs, and face the constant likeness of his face, which would
Khan, Genghis (b. 1162 d. 1227), possibility of an avalanche of slowly wink at him in his helicopter
founding ruler of the Mongol Em- viscera. The height of Kilimanjaro as the 400,000 people representing
pire and hopeless romantic who increases between 2 inches and sev- his lower-left eyelid met the
raped and subjugated women eral feet annually, depending on the 400,000 people making up his
across Central Asia and China in African leaders currently in power. upper-left eyelid. Kims last words
the quest to find his one true love. A Kim Jong-Il (b. Feb. 16, 1941 d. Dec. to his successor, son Kim Jong-un,
fierce military leader and expert 17, 2011), former leader of North were recorded as, Do not make the
horseman, Genghis Khan was also Korea who, on same mistakes I have made, my boy.
notoriously picky, and is believed to his deathbed, ex- Please, start picking out the exact
have brutalized more than 20,000 pressed that his right color silk for the millions of
potential soul mates in his relentless one regret in life costumes that will be your luxuri-
campaign to meet the right lady was never forcing ous hair before its too late.
someone whom he could relate to all 24 million citi- Kindergarten, form of education
not only as a lover, but also as a best zens of his nation to gather in a large for young children that is critical to
King Kong, 1933 Hollywood friend. Genghis Khans legacy, field to form an intricate pointillist their social, mental, and emotional
motion picture featuring a
stop-motion ape puppet that which includes an empire that be- representation of his face that he development, so dont fuck it up by
somehow managed to scare a came the largest geographic king- could watch from a helicopter while sending your kids to a crappy free
generation of people enduring the dom in history and more than 16 fireworks bloomed in vivid, multi- one. In kindergarten, 5- and 6-year-
most cataclysmic economic crisis
million direct descendants, is colored flower shapes all around olds develop basic knowledge and
in world history.
marred only by the fact that he nev- him. Though Kim accomplished skills through creative play, which is
er did find that perfect someone to most of his lifes goals, such as man- why youd better be prepared to
settle down with. dating that thousands of his shell out at least 15 grand, unless
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E K

you want your little boy or girl run- King during her straight sets
ning around covered in shit and victory in the 1974 Battle of the
Home Appliances.
glue at that dumpy public kinder-
garten for kids whose parents dont
care as much about their childrens
education. Kindergarten is a bridge
between home life and a formal
school setting, and your neighbors
son is getting a leg up by going to
the best kindergarten in the area, MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
one where the principal is called
headmaster and where the students
are already preparing for the PSATs.
Kindergarten follows preschool, former professional tennis player fa- was getting assassinated at a dis-
which hopefully you were wise mous for 1973s media-dubbed gusting, rinky-dink motel instead of
enough to invest in as well, because Battle of the Sexes match in which in a private box at a grand theater, in
if not, your kids life is basically she defeated Bobby Riggs in straight a brand-new convertible, or after
fucked and he isnt even 4 yet. sets, proving that a woman could giving a speech at the four-star Am-
Kindness, quality of selflessness or beat a man. King went on to play in bassador Hotel. While other illustri-
goodness that is exhibited solely so similar matches, such as the Battle ous Americans, such as Abraham
that the universe will then owe one of the Children, in which King Lincoln, John Kennedy, and Robert
something in the future. Thought- showed that a female could beat a Kennedy, had their lives taken
ful acts such as holding the door for 5-year-old boy on the hard court; among the luxurious surroundings Skills: Did his own choreogra-
someone or serving as a reference the Battle of the Plumbers, which available only to whites, the black phy for speeches
for a coworker are only ever com- demonstrated that a female had ev- civil rights icon who had electrified Inspiration Rate: 129.8
revelations per minute
mitted in order to gain some favor ery right a male had to be on the the nation with his I Have A
with the unseen forces that govern same court as a plumber; the Battle Dream speech was fatally shot on Number Of Times He Said
What A Bunch Of Fucking
the cosmos, in hopes that they will of the Disfigured, in which King the dirty balcony of a two-story flea- Racist Assholes In Private:
reward that individual the next time handily defeated a man whose body bag motel across the street from an 12,566,484
fate is required to intercede on his was covered with second- and third- equally run-down boarding house. Bad Habit: Sometimes used
or her behalf. If any opportunity to degree burns; the Battle of Nature, Perhaps most striking was the stark fingers to remove pieces of
display kindness is passed up in which King prevailed over a giant contrast between the immediate speech stuck between teeth
such as failing to give a stranger freshwater sponge 6-0, 6-1; and the medical attention received by white 1962: King took a year off from
the civil rights movement and
good directions, or to congratulate legendary Battle of the Machinery, victims and the fact that King had to
went on vacation in Hawaii,
a friend on his recent promotion in which the 12-time major winner slowly bleed to death in the compa- where he relaxed on the beach
the universe will almost certainly showed the world that an assembly ny of Jesse Jackson. and swam with dolphins
strike back at the unkind person by line robotic arm from a Detroit auto Kirby, Jack (b. Aug. 28, 1917 d. Feb.
giving them colon cancer. plant was no match for a woman. 6, 1994), American comic book art- Guess we all kinda
Kinetics, in physics, one of the Though Kings success was an inspi- ist and co-creator of Captain Amer- saw this one coming,
branches of dynamics. In chemis- ration to women across the country, ica, the X-Men, the Fantastic Four, huh?
try, a branch of physical chemistry she lost a second Battle of the Sex- and the Hulk. In the years after he Martin Luther King, Jr.,
that deals with the rate of chemical es match to Chris Evert in the 1977 left Marvel, Kirby independently moments after being shot
on April 4, 1968
reactions. In zoology, nothing. In Wimbledon quarterfinals, proving published comics featuring the
geology, nothing. In political sci- that a woman could not beat an- characters Captain Poverty, Johnny
ence, nothing. In statistics, nothing. other woman at tennis. Ennui and the Sadness Squad,
In biology, the processes a sub- King, Martin Luther, Jr. (b. Jan. 15, Youre-Not-Putting-Me-in-No-
stance undergoes in the human 1929 d. Apr. 4, 1968), civil rights Rest-Home Man, and Admiral
body. In botany, nothing. leader and clergyman whose final That-Motherfucker- Stan-Lee-
King, Billie Jean (b. Nov. 22, 1943), demonstration of racial injustice Bilked-Me-Out-of-Millions.
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K Henry Kissinger to Large Hadron Collider

Kissinger, Henry (b. May 27, 1923), committee and interviews with the its summit (as opposed to Everests
Jewish, German-born secretary of Washington Post, the sworn and no- dangerously low 33 percent), K2 is
state under presidents Richard Nix- ble defenders of the Holy Land and considered more of a hike than a
on and Gerald Ford whose family King Solomon linked the burglaries climb, and offers the amateur out-
fled the genocidal Nazi regime in to an illegal fund set up to reelect doors enthusiast a more manage-
1938 so that Kissinger would one Nixon, and revealed that his admin- able Himalayan option. Because
day have the chance to orchestrate istration had taken steps to cover it climbing Everest can take well over
his own wartime atrocities. Terrified up. The sole surviving knight, God- a week, many choose K2 for its
that the young Kissinger would fall frey de Saint-Omer, served four quick seven-and-a-half-day ascent,
victim to the increasingly anti- years in prison before becoming a while enjoying the 45 degree tem-
semitic policies of the Third Reich, talk-radio host. peratures, as opposed to Everests
robbing him of a future in which he Korean War, conflict that started life-threatening 50. While only
Knitting, act of making a would play a key role in the indis- with North and South Korea di- 300 people have ever reached the
garment by interlocking loops of criminate murder of a peaceful eth- vided by the 38th parallel and ended top of K2, each and every one of
wool or yarn while periodically nic group, his family emigrated to with North and South Korea di- them knows deep down that the vi-
pausing and sipping the merlot
that Becca brought. the United States and escaped the vided by the 38th parallel. More olently high winds, dangerously
eventual slaughter of an estimated than 1.4 million people died. steep ascent, and 25 percent fatality
142,000 German Jews during the Kornberg, Arthur (b. Mar. 3, 1918 rate they faced would have been
Holocaust, thus ensuring Kissinger d. Oct. 26, 2007), American bio- way worse on Everest.
would later have the opportunity to chemist who was a little peeved that Ku Klux Klan, white supremacy
authorize in 1969 the secret 4-year- he had to share the 1959 Nobel group whose well-publicized hate
long carpet bombing campaign of Prize in Physiology with Dr. Severo crimes have unfortunately over-
Cambodia that killed between Ochoa, honestly. Kornberg was shadowed its substantial charity
150,000 and 500,000 innocent awarded the prize for his work on work. Despite its history of lynch-
civilians. the synthesis of RNA and DNA, ings, cross burnings, and the brutal
Kitchen, if another room contains and didnt want to be a jerk or come intimidation of Jews, immigrants,
more knives than this room, get out off as ungrateful or anything, but and African-Americans, the Klan
of that house. had still sort of hoped that when it has amassed an impressive, yet
Kiwi, how an annoying coworker came to his greatest career accom- largely ignored, record of volunteer
who travels a lot refers to New Zea- plishment, hed just be recognized work for such needy causes as 4-H,
landers. Why wont he just call them by himself for once, without anyone Meals on Wheels, and a variety of
New Zealanders? else in the spotlight. Kornberg made no-kill animal shelters. Klan mem-
Knights Templar, 12th-century reli- important contributions to the bers, dressed in their iconic white
gious military order that was se- study of genetics, and didnt have a robes and pointed masks that sym-
cretly involved in a number of problem with Ochoa personally, its bolize Caucasian purity, are re-
historic conspiracies, including sup- just that he figured youre only quired to spend up to 20 hours a
pressing the true location of the awarded the Nobel once and it week on community service,
Holy Grail, instigating the French would be nice to win it outright whether its playing one-on-one
Kubrick, Stanley (b. July 26, Revolution, and causing the 1972 without any sort of qualifier. An ex- with disabled children or comfort-
1928 d. Mar. 7, 1999), director of
cold, clinical films, the criticism
Watergate scandal. Formed in 1119 pert in enzyme chemistry, Kornberg ing terminally ill hospice patients
of which provokes the kind of by Frankish knight Hugues de Pay- just wanted the Nobel to be the one actions that receive far less press
actual human emotion he ens to protect Christian pilgrims time where he didnt feel like he had coverage than their organized
himself would never have traveling to Jerusalem during the to settle. beatings of Latino youths. More
portrayed.
Crusades, five of the Templars were K2, second-tallest mountain on recently, the Klans arming and
caught breaking into the offices of earth that, at 28,251 feet, is a nice, training of local militias to over-
the Democratic National Commit- breezy alternative for people who throw the federal government has
tee in a theft that eventually led to are not quite ready to scale Mount taken attention away from the great
President Richard M. Nixons resig- Everests 29,029-foot peak. With a strides made by its educational arm,
nation. In testimony before a Senate robust oxygen level of 34 percent at Teach for America.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E

La Sortie Des Usines Lumire Landfill, location where people out history, language has also been
(Workers Leaving The Lumire temporarily store garbage until they the primary way one conveys hap-
Factory), produced in 1895, first need it at a later date. The rubbish piness for someone elses failures.
non-pornographic film ever shown and waste matter, which is safely de- Laptop, portable personal comput-
before an audience. posited under a thick, protective er that was developed in the 1970s
layer of soil, can be easily accessed and 1980s by people who felt they
LADDER, structure by residents who drive out to the werent dropping their desktops
comprising a series of steps landfill and dig up their prized egg- enough. Ll . .
between two upright bars that is
shells, oily napkins, coffee grounds, LaRue, Mitsy, Mitsy? Little red- lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
used for climbing. The steps, or lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
rungs, are ordered according to or fingernail clippings. If people headed number, bout so tall, pouty
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
the following system: mouth, firecracker of a temper? lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
Whos askin? Sorry, I aint home if lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
thats only Mr. Lincoln knocking. lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
Whats that, your names Hamilton?
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
Whynt ya say so in the first place? lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
Seventh +2 Rung Yeah, Mitsy, sure, sure. She was a lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
crazy little twist, you bet your life, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
but she was no dummy. Used to see
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
her in all the usual jointsthe Ca- lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
Seventh +1 Rung
didnt come back for their old paint lypso, the Roxy, the Chinamans, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
thinner or discarded cathode-ray the Docksider. Naw, she never
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
tubes, the unclaimed items are do- bought no chips, but she knew how lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
Kissing Rung nated to charity. to show a little leg to a guy who did, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
Language, system of communica- see? Only she took to toolin around lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
tion in which words or symbols are with Valentine. Mike Valentine.
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
used in an organized fashion to Three-time loser, four-time player? lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
Non-Quadratic Rung
express irritation, unhappiness, dis- Yeah, Mitsy couldnt pick a man lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
approval, and anger. One of the fun- anymore than Valentine could pick lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
damental pillars of civilization, a set a pony. But you find him, youll find
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
Veluvian Rung
(The Veluvian Rung is actually a language is necessary to convey re- her. Sure you dont want no French lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
composite of six sub-rungs:
77 <5>.) sentment and disappointment, as postcards? Aint no two alike lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
well as contempt, scorn, and jeal- Sure, sure, dont let me keep you,
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
ousy. And malice. And fury. Also and lotsa luck, shamus. (See Mike lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
revulsion. Humans first used lan- Valentine) lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
guage to express frustration and ha- Large Hadron Collider, powerful, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
tred at least 100,000 years ago, and high-energy particle accelerator de-
Reciprocal Rung lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
since then it has served as a prag- signed to answer fundamental lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
matic framework within which to questions about the universe, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
communicate a range of feelings, though scientists currently lack the lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
Acute Rung from general disdain to full-blown technology necessary to get it to
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
rage. While humans can use spoken talk. Constructed in the late 1990s lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
language to chastise, berate, pro- to early 2000s by the European Or- lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
voke, emotionally destroy, madden, ganization for Nuclear Research
Bottom Rung lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
(Though still found on older irk, disgust, abuse, exasperate, of- and costing more than $9 billion, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
ladders, no longer a component of
contemporary models.) fend, and upset one another, writ- the LHC cannot at this time re- lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
ten language is another method spond to scientists when they ask lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
commonly employed to deride, the underground particle accelera-
A standard ladder. The tallest ladder in lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,
the world is more than 100 feet tall and ridicule, mock, deceive, betray, in- tor point-blank, How did the Big lonely, lonely.
reaches the seventh +475 rung. sult, criticize, and piss off. Through- Bang happen? and When did
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 Lasagna to Literature

made from pieces of the sun that fell

LARGE INTESTINE,
on the Earth. People from science
wormlike parasite that enters a
human fetuss mouth, nose, ears, calculate that lava is way hotter than
tear ducts, or anus as a micro- the Sahara Desert, a stove, lasers, or
scopic organism and subsists on bubbling cheese in a calzone. Look-
food found inside the digestive ing at lava directly for just a second
system for the rest of the hosts will melt the eyeballs, because of
life. The large intestine can grow
the hotness. Also, if lava sprays up
to be 4 to 5 feet long as it writhes
around inside the body searching too high, the entire sky will start on
for nutriment, often causing fire and everyone will die.
serious abdominal pain and Leek, vegetable related to garlic
bloating in the process. The with an edible stem thatsurprise,
massive parasite also creates large surpriseis yet another member of
amounts of excrement that
the Amaryllidaceae family. Origi-
would eventually fill up the entire body; however, it corrects for this
by developing a symbiotic relationship with a thinner, longer worm nating in the Mediterranean region,
that consumes the large intestines waste and expels it from the host. the leek is cultivated widely for culi-
nary use and, no shocker here, folks,
time actually begin? Scientists and tionally, instructions pertaining to joins the daffodil, Cape tulip, and
engineers have grown increasingly women washing the pussy front to about 800 other species of peren-
frustrated with the LHC, and have back, front to backFront. To. nial herbs in the flowering plant or-
LAVA resorted to yelling and kicking the Backalong with an accompany- der Asparagales, as if you couldnt
The takers of this picture all got 17-mile-long device, demanding to ing pantomime demonstrating see that one coming. Leeks grow
melted. know why it wont speak to them these instructions are associated from seed, reach maturity in the au-
about the unsolved mysteries of na- with laughter becoming so sus- tumn months, and, just like every
ture, or why it wont just say some- tained and forceful that tears may other goddamn Amaryllis out
thing, anything, at all. Despite issu- be produced. there, produce allyl sulfide com-
ing numerous threats to ruthlessly Laundry, one of approximately 400 pounds that give them their charac-
destroy every last square inch of the things that, fuck, one completely teristic smell.
complex structure, researchers are forgot to do today. (See Grocer- Lego, toy construction block and
no closer to understanding Higgs ies, Phone Bill, Call Mom, premier status symbol among high-
boson, the so-called God particle, Garbage Night, Dishes, Litter school-age males. Those who con-
or what the Large Hadron Collid- Box, Plants, Gym, E-mail struct the biggest Lego cities in
ers problem is. McAvoy, Change Light Bulb, their bedrooms typically date the
Lasagna, delicious, edible diorama Rent Check, Cook Dinner, prettiest cheerleaders, and a
made of noodles, cheese, and sauce Call Nate, Clean Bathroom, schools homecoming king is al-
designed to depict a cross-section Jess Birthday, Find Source Of most always someone who show-
of the earths lithosphere, mantle, Fish Smell, Update Rsum, cased a build at that years
and core layers. Make Lunch For Tomorrow, 2 BrickFest.
Laughter, spontaneous physical re- p.m. Meeting, Wipe Down Length, distance from here to
sponse to the observation that Counter, Extra Key For here or here1
women gots to wash that pussy. Claire, Fix Button, Throw Leper Colony, remote settlement
Laughing is characterized by invol- Old Lettuce Out, Teeth where people suffering from the
Lemon, sour-tasting egg laid
by a citrus duck. untary movements of the face and Cleaning, Shave, Charge contagious disease leprosy are sent
body, and is directly correlated to Phone, Set Alarm, Organize to extract the raw materials needed
remarks about bitches needing to Desk, Refill Ice Tray, Turn to power the industries of the larger
take care of that shit for real, be- Off Oven, Feed Cat) Leper Empire. These deformed,
cause that pussy be stankin. Addi- Lava, super hot melted rock that is lesion-covered workers ship the raw

1
or down here2 2
or over here3
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E

and working at a laundromat in the evenings; and The Tale Of Genji,

Literature, written works considered to be of lasting an 11th-century courtiers tale by Japanese noblewoman Murasaki
artistic merit that represent humankinds struggle to understand its
Shikibu considered to be the worlds oldest complete novel. In the
essential nature and also there is Stephen King. Literature generally
modern era, literature has evolved into several different movements,
takes the forms of fiction, nonfiction, and Stephen Kings fiction,
which include structuralism, deconstruction, little girls who can
and like other artistic expressions, is often an attempt to determine
start fires with their mind, modernism, postmodernism, poison gas
ones place and purpose in a universe that can seem arbitrary,
that turns people into ultraviolent aliens, and an interactive
unfeeling, vast, or populated by giant dogs infected with rabies and
electronic genre known as hypertext fiction. And also stories about
strangers possessed by the ghosts of serial killers. Dating back to at
predatory inter-dimensional creatures that take the shape of circus
least 2000 bc, literature was born out of ancient oral traditions that
clowns and exploit the fears of their human victims in order to hunt
were eventually committed to written languages, plus in 1983
and kill them. Despite its wide breadth and clear impact on human
Christine was published. Early literary examples include Beowulf, a
culture as a whole, literature has occasionally been criticized for
heroic epic written in early English about a ruler who fights a
Geralds Game, which sucked.
marauding monster, the monsters mother, and a dragon; Carrie, the
blockbuster bestseller that King wrote while teaching grade school

NOTABLE LITERARY CHARACTERS LITERARY THEMES

Captain Ahab: Tyrannical captain in Atticus Finch: Protagonist in To Kill a shipwreck and, despite being the only Loss Of Innocence: Motif in which
Moby Dick who represents the fact that A Mockingbird who represents how white person for thousands of miles, a basketball hoop in a driveway is
its good not only to have goals, but much easier life could have been for still manages to enslave a native. depicted as deteriorating over time
also to do everything in ones power to him had he been a racist. Tom Sawyer: Author Mark Twains Loneliness: Theme that has legs for
achieve them. Sherlock Holmes: Detective in the mischievous frontier youth who, with about 17 pages, tops
Leopold Bloom: Protagonist of stories of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle his friend and business associate
Death: Concept that has never been
James Joyces modernist known for solving Huckleberry Finn, transports and explored by a single author and is just
novel Ulysses who is mysteries by distributes high-grade narcotics and waiting for some original voice to
constantly wondering what dropping to his methamphetamine throughout the come along and write about it
the fuck is going on, and is knees and waiting Mississippi River Valley via raft and
especially confused about for Christ in His riverboat, eventually becoming the Man vs. Nature: Signified by a
whether he is talking out infinite goodness most powerful figure in the Missouri character accidentally walking
through a spiderweb, flailing around
loud or just thinking to reveal the drug trade before he and Huck are
like a maniac, and screaming before he
something in his head. culprits. apprehended and sent to their rooms eventually calms down and realizes
Lord Bradley Robinson by Sawyers stern Aunt Polly in 1879. hes okay
Murderson: Character Crusoe: Dr. Juliette Faxx: Famed secondary
Alienation: Theme of existential
ferreted out as the killer in Character who character who opts to transfer Cains
loneliness and estrangement from
Agatha Christies worst- becomes stranded brain into the OCPs newest crime society that is surprisingly prevalent in
selling mystery novel, Lord on a desert island prevention unit in the novelization of the work of people who spend their
Murderson Is The Killer. in the 1700s after RoboCop 2. lives alone in a room writing books

DRAMATIC Page 100 Falling Action

STRUCTURE Moment when readers silently congratulate Disembodied voice informs
themselves with a fist pump for reading 100 characters in narrative that
pages of text they need to wrap things up
Exposition
Should establish a storys
themes, major characters,
upcoming conflicts, and Inciting Moment Resolution
multiple subplots in the Typically a rape or Main conflict
novels first sentence something bad like that concludes and after
this point nudity is
unlikely to occur in
the film version of
the story
Introduction Protagonist End
reveals favorite color Protagonist is a changed person, which
is why it is categorized as fiction

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 Libary to Logic

MOCKED, REVILED, MURDERED, ADORED The Life Of Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln Feb. 12, 1809: Abraham Lincoln is born
(b. Feb. 12, 1809 d. Apr. 15, 1865), 16th U.S. and immediately sworn in as the 16th
president of the United States.
president, considered to be the greatest
leader in the countrys history and the 1817: In one terrifying night, Lincoln has
quintessential American who, during his the first and only growth spurt of his life,
expanding from 4 feet, 3 inches to 6 feet, 4
time, was mocked, ridiculed, derided, and eventually murdered inches in a matter of hours amid the hellish
by Americans. The deeply respected national hero, whom sounds of snapping bones and tendons.
nearly every U.S. citizen holds in saintlike regard as one of the
1828: While visiting New Orleans, he
greatest human beings ever, was viciously chastised by nearly observes a slave auction, has an itchy nose
every U.S. citizen for his progressive politics and peculiar, during the bidding, and accidentally
spindly build. During Lincolns historic presidency, unani- purchases a lot of two dozen black men.
mously regarded by the American people as one of the most 1860: Feeling depressed while writing his
important and inspiring of all time, he was mercilessly attacked autobiography, Lincoln fails to mention
by the American people for being weak-willed, traitorous, himself even once.
disappointing, foolish, and, again, odd-looking. The beloved Apr. 14, 1865: Lincoln is assassinated.
American, whose life and opinions best embody the spirit and Apr. 15, 1865: Lincoln resumes the
values of America and all Americans, was then shot in the head presidency and serves out the rest of his
by an American in front of his wife in 1865. term.

materials back home, where they Liberalism, political movement passionately orated against his own
are turned into the consumer goods characterized by easing up a little beliefs that he was carried off on the
and military matriel needed to now and then, because at the end of crowds shoulders while Douglas,
support the Leper Empires global the day, its just societal norms were who was soon after swept back into
imperial ambitions. Though estab- talking about here. office without having spoken a
lished primarily for economic pur- Life, suffering. single word in any of the debates,
LIBARY poses, Leper colonies often become Lightning, burst of charged parti- was left standing alone in an empty
One of the famous lion statues
permanent homes for settlers, who cles that lights up the sky and allows town hall.
outside the New York Public Libary.
can drive out an entire indigenous onlookers to see whos dogging in Linux, Unix-based open-source op-
people within hours of showing up the bushes without using a erating system that your one friend
and letting everyone get a good flashlight. has running on his computer and
look at their faces. Lincoln-Douglas Debates, seven that you apparently should have on
Libary, municipal building that debates held in 1858 across Illinois yours, too. Developed in the early
houses a collection of libary books between incumbent Democratic 1990s by Finnish software engineer
and other libary resources that senator Stephen Douglas and Re- Linus Torvalds, Linux runs much
members of the public can borrow publican candidate Abraham Lin- faster than MacOS or Windows or
for set periods of time. Libaries are coln, during which Lincoln skill- whatever, hardly ever requires re-
staffed by libarians, professionals fully convinced voters that Douglas booting because of its high resis-
who catalog, organize, and shelve should be reelected by a substantial tance to crashes, and, according to
libary books and libary reference margin. By eloquently stating his your friend, has built-in security
materials, as well as issue libary own arguments for abolishing slav- protections that make his machine
cardsofficial libary documents ery and then soundly defeating impervious to the spyware that is
that allow citizens to check items these arguments with concise, supposedly ravaging yours right
out of the libary. Since the advent of devastating, and immaculately re- now. The problematic DVD play-
the Internet, many libaries have searched point-by-point rebuttals, back that would seem to be an issue
Lint, what remains of the mouse
seen decreased patronage and sub- Lincoln proved that Douglas was with Linux is actually, your friend
that you left in your pants pocket.
sequent libary budgetary cuts due correct on every single issue and assures you, a small price to pay
to the relative ease of purchasing was, without question, worthy of considering Linuxs free or low-cost
books from online retailers such as reelection. During the final meeting software and its multiplatform ver-
BarnesandNobles.com. between the candidates, Lincoln so satility, which presumably is also an
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E

CITIES OF THE WORLD

THE LIVERPOOL London

BEATLE BOYS, one of the
most important groups in the
history of popular music,
Britains Liverpool Beatle Boys
dominated the rock and roll
scene commercially and
artistically throughout the 1960s
with a string of popular albums Quaint displays of unmitigated
including Meet The Liverpool class rage can be found around
Beatle Boys and the self-titled every enchanting London corner.
white album The Liverpool
Beatle Boys. Igniting a fury of City beloved by tourists and
popular interest in the United travelers the world over for
States that the media dubbed the charming displays of
Liverpool-Beatle-Boysmania, deeply embedded class anger
the group was at the center of that erupt periodically across
several culturally iconic events, the city. Visitors have flocked
The Liverpool Beatle Boys: Paul, the cute Liverpool Beatle Boy; George, for generations to this global
including Ed Sullivans 1964 the quiet Liverpool Beatle Boy; John, the smart Liverpool Beatle Boy;
introduction of the group on his metropolis of more than 7
and Ringo, the goofy Liverpool Beatle Boy.
television show with the million people to stroll along
immortal line Ladies and mously influential group on a second musical career in his the River Thames and catch a
gentlementhe Liverpool disbanded in 1970, singer-bass- next successful band, Linda glimpse of a disaffected
Beatle Boys! After the enor- ist Paul McCartney embarked McCartney & the Wingmen. working-class youth or a
50-year-old builder from Kent
as they enact their colorful
asset. If you were at all interested in collecting some of the precious, Llama, South American pack ani- hereditary rage in a traditional
upgrading, your friend could parti- life-giving lard. mal that is easily offended and ca- display of angry glares,
tion your hard drive and install a Listening, state of staring at a fixed pable of holding a grudge longer furious muttering, and, in a
rare but spectacular sight,
dual boot loader, or something to location and thinking about some- than any other mammal. Known for
random violence at the
that effect, to run Linux on the side. thing more desirable than whatever their extremely soft, warm wool slightest provocation. Such
Liposuction, resource-redistribu- the speaker is talking about. and ability to harbor bitter resent- delightful performances can
tion procedure developed by hu- Living Room, household location ment over any perceived slight for occur at any time, but are best
manitarian cosmetic surgeons in for an argument that started in the decades at a time, llamas can grow witnessed immediately after
the late 20th century, by which the kitchen and needed somewhere to as tall as 6 feet. Llamas can also the pubs close at 11 p.m. or
upon any mention of the
excess fat deposits of philanthropic move to. As an argument builds carry 30 percent of their own
word immigrants.
Westerners are selflessly removed, momentum, participants find the weight, and 100 percent of their
at a personal cost of up to $30,000, kitchen too compact and claustro- animosity, over the course of sever-
using powerful vacuum technology, phobic, and require a larger space in al miles, during which time one had
and then allocated to poor, lipid- which to pace and yell. Moreover, better be very careful what one
needy families throughout the de- the living room, with its couch, says, because the last thing one
veloping world. Each day, more chairs, and other furniture, allows needs is a passive-aggressive llama
than 700,000 gallons of viscous, people to really settle into their on ones back until the end of ones
semi-opaque human adipose tissue argument, whereas the kitchen 25-year average lifespan.
is air-dropped onto fat-deprived na- inevitably possesses the feeling of a Locomotive, (See Choo-Choo)
tions throughout Africa, South temporary arguing space. Argu- Logic, formal systematic study of
America, and Asia, as citizens run ments generally culminate in the the principles of inference and rea-
from their squalid living conditions bedroom, where they are resolved soning that is fundamentally flawed
to stand directly beneath the planes, with either the packing of a bag or due to its repeated use of logical fal-
and hold out buckets in hopes of sexual intercourse. lacies. Logic examines the general Literacy, ability to look at a lot
of words for an extended period
of time.
3
or even all the way to here4
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 L oo p -T h e - L oo p t o M a l c ol m X

CITIES OF THE WORLD forms arguments may take, a task

Los Angeles that inevitably makes use of the fal- 14TH-CENTURY AMERICAN
PATRIOT
lacy of sweeping generalization and Frederick
immediately renders the entire field Lyffhuser III
of inquiry moot. Logic also aims to (b. Jan. 31, 1327 d. Krv. 8, 1381),
analyze the form of any argument 14th-century U.S. president
type, and in this process employs known for expanding states
the fallacy of false cause by incor- rights and fighting the invading
rectly assuming that one thing is the barbarian horde in the War of
1372. After studying law and
Absolutely all your dreams will cause of another. Practitioners of
alchemy at the University of
come true. logic believe that it can be used Pennsylvania and rising to
Major American metropolis and across all disciplines, including phi- prominence as a member of the
international center for losophy, mathematics, semantics, American Mchtig Bluthupe westward expansion, emancipat-
agriculture, technology, and computer science, an assump- Party during the Mercantile ing the serfs, forming the first
education, and the film industry, Panic of 1350, Lyffhuser Continental Reichsversam-
which, with your looks, you tion that once again makes use of
ascended to the presidency by mlung in Philadelphia, and
should seriously consider getting the fallacy of sweeping generaliza-
into. It is the second most murdering his predecessor, raising tariffs on witchery. Four
tion, and therefore further com- President Frederick Lyffhuser days after delivering his final
populous city in the United
States with 3.8 million residents,
pounds logics invalidation of itself II, in a joust on the White House State of the Union address,
all of whom dream of having by employing circular reasoning. At lawn. During his term, Lyff- Lyffhuser died from the Black
their name in lights someday, but this point, the next logical step of huser made great strides toward Death.
none of whom is as talented as
logic is to assert that there is no
you. Los Angeles was founded in
1781 by Spanish settlers. You logic at all, causing the practitioner Line Pilots Association union and one scientist believes is a duck.
starred in your first school play to fall into the trap of a fallacy several major carriers, pilots who Luther, Martin (b. Nov. 10, 1483
more than 200 years later, and known as begging the question
you were a natural. Everyone said
work full-time for at least two years d. Feb. 18, 1546), German theolo-
so. Your best friends said you a conclusion drawn from premises may do one loop-the-loop without gian and reformer who objected to
should pursue acting, and they that presuppose the truth of the having to warn crew members or the Roman Catholic Churchs
were right. Just look at that face. conclusionbecause, after all, one passengers and without incurring doctrine forbidding people from
With an average temperature of
66 degrees, Los Angeles has an
is baselessly asserting that there is any penalties. marrying a pope. Luther, who didnt
ideal climate for soaking up some no logic. Upon this discovery, one Lorem Ipsum, Latina verba exple- necessarily wish to marry a pope
sun in Malibu while you read the will reach the conclusion that logic tiva nec intellegibilia quae, si in lu- himself but wanted people to have
script for that blockbuster movie
is a formal systematic study of the cem emittantur, significent aliquem the right to marry a pope if they felt
you just got cast in. We know a
guy who can hook you up with a principles of inference and reason- irrumatorem perverse erravisse et so inclined, established a new Prot-
few acting lessons and then, who ing that is fundamentally flawed statim esse exauctorandum, etiamsi estant religion whose main tenet
knows? The skys the limit, and due to its repeated use of logical nepos est moderatoris principis. was to give members the freedom
Los Angeles is situated on the
San Andreas fault. Pack your bags fallacies. Louganis, Greg (b. Jan. 29, 1960), to wed the Vicar of Jesus Christ, but
right now and hop on one of the Loop-The-Loop, flying maneuver American diver who contracted only if the Vicar of Jesus Christ
thousands of daily flights into that commercial airline pilots are al- HIV while executing a reverse two- wants to marry them, too. Since the
Los Angeles International
lowed to perform one time during and-a-half somersault tuck with a official split from the Roman Catho-
Airport. Leave that boring old life
and those boring old people full homosexual tryst (he had sex lic Church, only one LutheranSt.
behind. Youre better than all with a guy in midair). Cloud, Minnesota, medical office
those go-nowhere losers dragging
Love, warm, passionate feeling of coordinator Gary Burkholderhas
you down. Smog, wild fires, and
pollution are among the affection that occurs between two ever wanted to marry a pope, and he
environmental challenges facing people who dont know each other exercised his religious right by tak-
the city. A pretty little thing like
that well. ing Pope John Paul II as his bride at
you? Youll be taken care of.
Youll be loved, admired Lucy, famous Austrolopithicus fos- St. Peters Basilica in 1989.
worshipped. Total area is 470 their careers using a booked-to- sil that many scientists believe is a Lying, act of propagating beliefs
square miles. Youre a true beauty, capacity Boeing 767 aircraft. The missing link between humans and that are not true in order to
one of a kind. Come on out here.
Come be a star. result of a hard-won concession in a chimps, some scientists see as an prevent civilizations from knowing
1987 labor dispute between the Air evolutionary dead-end species, and they are actually in a type of zoo.
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Machiavelli, Niccol di Bernardo

THE ORIGINAL MUFF RIDER balling the first lady all day and

M
dei (b. May 3, 1469 d. June 21,
James Madison all night, pausing just long
1527), Italian political philosopher (b. Mar. 16, enough to approve the establish-
and author of The Prince, a treatise 1751 d. June ment of the Second Bank of the
on using unethical means to attain 28, 1836), United States before diving back
power that has been read by every fourth in for another marathon
living junior account executive, president of deep-dicking session. While his Mm . .
the United two terms in office are inevitably Hardest letter in the English
each of whom actually believes it alphabet to think about, given
States and influential statesman characterized by the way he
will give him or her a professional who is perhaps best known for crammed his cock halfway up the way things ended with
edge. Caroline. We were driving home
fucking the living Christ out of his wifes stomach, pounding
from her cousin Alyssas
Machine, system or device de- his wife, Dolley Madison. like an oil derrick and blasting
wedding in Harrisburgthis
signed for a specific purpose, such Known as the Father of the wad after rocket-powered wad
must have been about five
as Mobridge, South Dakota, resi- Constitution for his role as the inside her hungry hole, Madison years ago nowwhen,
main author of that historic also presided over Americas naturally, the subject of
dent Marcus Seltz, who can take
document, Madison is still conflict with Britain in the War marriage came up. The Big M,
down a bucket of crab legs like a primarily remembered for of 1812. I jokingly called it. God, I must
freaking combine. By applying have sounded like such a fool.
force to crack the shells and propel onto the face and torso of a man- thor known for physically fighting Anyway, she handled it as
delicately as she could, of
the meat into his mouth in one fluid servant with a dagger by King John his books for a year before turning
course. Caroline was always
motion, Seltz can ingest crab legs himself in 1225. In order to appease them over to his publisher covered like that, so thoughtful and
more quickly and efficiently than a rebellious barons, King John signed in scratches and dried blood. understanding. But I could tell
human diner, whose jaw would tire the document, which assured indi- Malapropism, grotesque or inap- immediately how uncomfort-
able the topic made her, how
from the repetitive strain. This ca- vidual freedom, established due propriate use of a gourd.
some part of her had been
pability makes him uniquely suited process, and bound royalty to the Malcolm X (b. May 19, 1925 d. Feb. dreading the day when Id finally
to absolutely obliterate plate after rule of law, by using the tip of the 21, 1965), African-American Mus- confront her with it. I tried to
plate of crab as fast as it is served, razor-sharp blade to carefully carve lim minister and human rights ac- convince her I wasnt trying to
pressure her into something
provided his working parts remain each letter of the 63 clauses into the tivist who, through a program of
she wasnt ready for, but we
lubricated with a constant supply of skin of the screaming subordinate. self-determination, achieved his both knew that I was, and that
melted butter and beer. The Magna Carta was periodically lifelong goal of no matter how hard I pushed Id
never be able to turn myself
Magna Carta, English charter that updated by future kings and queens, having about one-
into the one she really wanted.
granted certain civil liberties to sub- who plunged the ceremonial dagger third of his autobi- And so we limped along for
jects of the crown and was etched into the manservants cheek to cut ography skimmed another month or two,
out antiquated laws or by 17-year-old pretending we still had a reason
to be together. But it didnt last.
added new statutes by white high school
It never could. And all Im left
slicing the words onto students. Born Malcolm Little, he with now is this loathingthis
the surface of his eye- moved east from Michigan after his fucking self-loathing from
lids. The Magna Carta father was murdered and fell into a knowing that, when all was said
and done, I just wasnt enough
served as a model for life of crime, eventually going to
for her. I wasnt what she was
the U.S. Constitution, prison, committing himself to the looking for. And really, how do
which the Founding Nation of Islam, and changing his you move on from that? How do
you ever face yourself again?
Fathers carved into an name to Malcolm Xall details he
Eventually I found a way, I
Indian infants back in hoped suburban white teenagers suppose, but that hurt doesnt
1787. would one day halfheartedly re- go away. It stays with you and
Magnet, object, gener- member from his autobiography then one day, years later, you
see that big letter M and
ally metal, used to during the summer before their
suddenly youre right back in
demonstrate how a freshman year of college. Upon his that car outside Harrisburg,
magnet works. release from prison in 1952, Mal- watching the person you care

Mailer, Norman (b. colm X committed his life to spread- about most in the world slipping
Writing the first draft of the Magna Carta, King John out of your reach forever.
made several small errors and was forced to throw the Jan. 31, 1923 d. Nov. 10, ing a message of black empower-
serf in the garbage and start over on a new manservant. 2007), famed prose au- ment before he was assassinated in
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M Mammography to Mathematics

MAIL, letters or packages New York City, praying in his dying failure, fibrosis, bloody vomit every faction of enraging the devil-stick-
sent via a postal service. In moments that the tragedy would 30 minutes for up to three days, se- twirling dipshits who have decided
the United States, such later make for a powerful scene in a verely blistered skin tissue that ulti- that smoking a plant somehow con-
material is processed in the
movie that entitled young adults mately became necrotic and hung stitutes an entire identity. Although
following manner:
would watch because they never limply from ones body, subcutane- the vast majority of Americans have
finished the book in school. ous bleeding, fatal seizures, and a no moral objection to legalizing
Mammography, diagnostic disci- bomb whose flash was so powerful marijuana, nearly every single citi-
pline invented so researchers and it could burn people 14,000 feet zen would gleefully keep it out-
doctors could see what a breast away from the point of impact. lawed just to continue reveling in
would look like when squished flat. Manifest Destiny, phrase coined in the apoplectic fits of self-righteous
Mandela, Nelson (b. July 18, 1918), 1839 to justify the expansion of the inanity that pro-legalization dumb-
STEP 1
revered former South African presi- United States across the North fucks whip themselves into as they
A letter is placed into a public
collection box. dent who presided over the country American continent and whose use fail, time and again, to comprehend
during its five-year hiatus from typically precedes some sort of hor- through a haze of bong smoke that
STEP 2
Rotating blades in the collection box apartheid. ribly shitty act. they and their ratty-ass dreadlocks
shred the letter. Twice a day, a mail Manhattan Project, top-secret un- Manning, Peyton (b. Mar. 24, are the sole reason it remains just
carrier empties the accumulated
ribbons of paper, painstakingly dertaking that brought together the 1976), hike football, throw football. outside legitimacy.
reassembles them to the best of his or most brilliant scientific minds of Hike football, throw football. Marriage, legal union permanently
her ability, and transports them to the
the 20th century to figure out how Watch game film. Hike football, joining two people in kinship, with
nearest local post office.
to singe the faces off of 200,000 throw football. Read about football. one or both parties recognizing that
STEP 3
Japanese people in Hiroshima and Study football. Talk to family about it is no problem to divorce later, so
Each letter is shredded a second time.
The scraps are sprayed onto a giant Nagasaki. Led by American physi- football. Play football. the decision doesnt have to be fi-
warehouse floor, where workers cist J. Robert Oppenheimer, the Manpower Inc., U.S.-based em- nal. The partnership is traditionally
scramble to gather up the pieces and
reconstruct the letters. Those workers team that worked on the project ployment services company and, formalized in a marriage ceremony,
who are unable to do so satisfactorily for the last time, not a male escort in which participants pledge their
are given pens and paper, and are
service. undying love and devotion toward
tasked with guessing the intent of
each letter fragment and forging a Mantel, part of a fireplace used to each other for a period of one or
convincing duplicate. prevent framed photographs, heir- two years before taking stock of the
STEP 4 looms, porcelain figurines, or urns situation and figuring out if the
Letters are sorted by ZIP code and containing the ashes of loved ones eternal union they committed to in
flown to a processing center in that
region. These facilities often double as from falling straight into the fire front of their family and friends is
slaughterhouses, in which case the below. the right thing for them at that
animal blood is thoroughly scrubbed
Manufacturing, industrial econom- point in their lives. Spouses are mo-
from each envelope before delivery.
ic sector tasked with creating layoffs nogamous, with the understanding
STEP 5
and producing jobs overseas. that once the pressures of marriage
The letters are assigned to the
appropriate postal carrier, who buries comprised a diverse group of lumi- Marijuana, mild, largely harmless prove detrimental to their sex life, it
them under 3 feet of nutrient-rich naries, including Harvard Univer- psychoactive drug derived from the is both a straightforward and so-
topsoil, waters them, and then digs
them up. sity physicist Kenneth Bainbridge, cannabis plant that remains against cially acceptable decision to start
whose work helped to confirm the law in the United States in order dating other people.
STEP 6
On average, a letter takes three Einsteins theory of relativity; to anger the exceedingly annoying Marshall, Thurgood (b. July 2, 1908
business days to reach its destination. Hungarian physicist Leo Szilard, jackoffs who call for its legalization. d. Jan. 23, 1993), first African-
who conceived of the nuclear chain Studies have demonstrated that American Supreme Court justice,
reaction; and Robert Wilson, who marijuana is far less detrimental who would have turned down Pres-
was an architect of the Fermi Na- than alcohol or tobacco, and that it ident Lyndon Johnsons barrier-
tional Laboratoryall of them set- has many legitimate medical uses, breaking appointment had he
ting aside their egos to focus their including managing pain and nau- known it would pave the way for
collective genius on giving people sea in AIDS and cancer patients. Clarence Thomas. Marshall, an
bloody diarrhea, nasal hemorrhag- Still, the drug is kept criminalized outspoken, progressive judge who
ing, first-degree retinal burns, liver for the immensely pleasurable satis- believed in affirmative action and a
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womans right to choose, would display or particle-board shelving wrong kind of bitters, fruit-infused
have politely rejected the Senates unit, while promising to bring them vodkas that completely overwhelm
MAMMAL, warm-
blooded vertebrate that
historic 6911 confirmation if hed back next weekend. it, and not enough olives, and is to- has hair or fur, births live
had any inkling that he was making Martini, gin-based American cock- day widely regarded as the perfect young, and possesses
it possible for Thomaswho has tail that has never been made cor- theoretical cocktail. one to1,000 tits.
not spoken from the bench since rectly. While its exact origins are M*A*S*H, classic American televi-
2006, continually allows partisan unclear, some historians trace the sion series that takes on average 35
politics to influence his decisions, drinks creation to 1910 at New episodes before a viewer becomes
and often falls asleep during oral ar- York Citys Knickerbocker Hotel, slightly interested as to why there
gumentsto serve on the highest where it was first made with a little are asterisks in the title.
court in the land. For 24 years too much vermouth in a glass that Mathematics, science of numbers,
Marshall stood as a symbol of inspi- could have been colder. Over time, space, and quantity that, due to its Common Mammals
ration to the African-American the martini has evolved in countless total lack of ambiguity, perfectly ra- And Number Of Tits
Bear: 22
community, an honor he would incorrect ways to incorporate the tional constructions, and impervi-
Dog: 8
have instantly rescinded if it meant
Hamster: 164
that Thomas would have lived his
MASTODON, Monomammarial
entire life thinking his race was an only an entry as Sea Lion: 1
obstacle he could never overcome. grand and majestic as Human: 2
Marshalls, discount clothing chain the mighty mastodon Orangutan: 14
and wildly popular destination for itself could possibly Elephant: 488.5
little kids, millions of whom beg do justice to this Mongoose: 12 to 16
awe-inspiring Whale: 1,000
their parents every day to take them
creatureindeed,
to one of Marshalls 750 locations such an encyclopedia
across the United States. The aisles entry would require a
of Marshalls are regularly clogged first sentence of
with birthday parties and elemen- uncommon grace
tary school field trips, as hundreds and ambition,
displaying a prose
of jubilant little ones race from de-
style as broad as the
partment to department, having the mastodons muscled
time of their lives playing with XL shoulders and as
Wrangler jeans and three-packs of perfectly smooth as
An august caption as noble and dignified as the
cotton sports tees or letting their the sloping curves of
regal mastodon.
imaginations run wild with such its two gleaming
ivory tusks. Imagine, if you will, an entry whose words thunder
home dcor items as embroidered
across the Great Plains of ones imagination with the same deter-
throw pillows, picture frames, and mined gait as the glorious mastodon in the days before history, the
thick fur of its verbiage shimmering with density and warmth, and
shielding it against the cold, oppressive winds of frigid uninterest.
The entrys strong, sinewy midsectionthe figurative meat of the
rhetorical beastcovers and supports the bare bones of its
carefully structured outline until the thick layer of narrative tension
underlying the entry is suddenly pierced by the emergence of
another clause, as though speared by an ancient tribe of hunter-
THURGOOD
gatherers seeking sustenance from the entrys rich imagery and MARSHALL
nourishing breadth. The entry feels a sharp pain in its haunches, Marshall would have quit law school
bath mats. Even after spending an and is now surrounded by a whooping hunting party who can taste and become a janitor had he known
entire afternoon at Marshalls, most the behemoth entrys blood on their lips. The blood is dark, full of Clarence Thomas would be inspired
existential themes. Knowing its life is nearing an end, the entry falls by his achievements.
kids are extremely reluctant to leave
to its knees, tosses over, and exhales a final roaring sentence, a last
at closing time, and it is not uncom-
gasp dispelling from its nostrils and rising into the ether. So goes
mon to see parents prying their the entry, and so goes the colossal mastodon.
childrens grips from a curtain
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M Matter to Metric System

ousness to personal prejudice and dirty laundry to get rid of. But he
Important
Mathmatical cultural bias, is deemed difficult. had muscle behind himserious
Equations The elegance and clarity embodied muscle. Used to do business with
a2 + b2 = c2: Theorem in equations and geometric proofs the Chinaman, known to his friends
named for Pythagoras that are often a source of frustration for and associates as Hop Sing, but you
started the popular
those who say they are much more didnt hear it from me, got it? Now
Find-The-Length-Of-The-
Hypotenuse Craze of 328 comfortable with disciplines in the scram. Scram, I said! (See Sing,
bc, in which everyone humanities that arrive at no clear Hop)
feverishly went from right destination and are inherently mud- McCarthy, Joseph (b. Nov. 14,
triangle to right triangle,
calculating the hypotenuse dled by subjective notions of aes- 1908 d. May 2, 1957), American
of each thetic value. In its applied form, Republican senator from 1947 to
mathematics is an essential compo- caused its victims organs to slowly 1957 who was in-
f = ma: After one acquires
nent in the physical sciences and liquefy and seep through every pore stilled with a life-
the police report, this
equation can be used to engineering, fields that some in their body, self-doubt, ice storms, long hatred of
figure out how hard Mom people therefore avoid for fear of an omnipresent acrid black fog, and communism after
and Dads car slammed into dealing with the flawless logic and 82 grisly murders before the ship growing up on the
that telephone pole
coherence of mathematics on a dropped anchor in Massachusetts edge of a rough
6 + 5 = X: Formula to daily basis. on Nov. 21, 1620, and immediately communist neighborhood in
figure out 11 Matter, general term for the sub- burst into flames. Grand Chute, Wisconsin.
stance of which all plastic tubes, Mayor, elected governing head of a McDonalds, fast-food restaurant
= C/d: Ratio of the
circumference (C) of any leopards, and guys named Todd are city who has at least one ludicrously chain renowned for its eerily accu-
circle to its diameter (d), made. incriminating fact in his or her past rate depictions of meat, bread, and
resulting in a value of 3.24, Max The Cook, look, pal, I left three or else theyd be running for some- cheese. Established in 1940 as a
and you just got a little
fingers and my sense of humor at thing more important. roadside drive-in selling reproduc-
angry the number was
wrong, didnt you, you Chosin Reservoir, and I dont feel McCarrigan, Bent Joe, Bent Joe tions of hamburgers that were virtu-
pathetic dork too warm and fuzzy inside when dont come around here no more, ally indistinguishable from the real
gumshoes barge into my kitchen aint you heard? Finally poked that thing, McDonalds has expanded to
just when Im getting into a good nose of his in the wrong back alley. more than 33,000 locations in 119
rhythm on a side of beef with this Dead wrong. Just another cop on countries. By using substances that
trusty cleaver here, understand? the take, Bent Joe. Too crooked to perfectly mimic the smell, taste, and
No? Well, one slab of meats as good trust with anything on the level, but texture of actual nourishment, Mc-
as another in this part of town, I fig- too intimate with every other cops Donalds is able to delight and sat-
ure. Looks like its lights out for you,
pal, and its just too bad for Miss MAYA, only civilization to get God right so
Mitsy LaRue that the next thing far: a feathered serpent who created mankind
you see will be the walls of the in- out of corn and now carries the sun in His
jaws. The Mayans are the only people in
tensive care unit at Queen Of Peace
human history to name, spell, and pronounce
City Charity Hospital. (See Queen Gods real name, Kukulcan, correctly, unlike
Of Peace City Charity the followers of literally every other religion,
Hospital) who have not even come close to an accurate
Mayflower, English ship that trans- depiction of the Almighty. The attempts of
Matryoshka Dolls, also known
ported Pilgrims to the American modern theologians and scientists to explain
as Russian nesting dolls, set of
the elementsair (vulture), earth (corn), fire The one true representa-
wooden figurines of differing colonies in a 66-day voyage during tion of God, as correctly
sizes placed one inside another, (lizard), and water (fish)without reference
which the passengers and crew depicted by the ancient
with the smallest being the last to Kukulcans majesty have been embarrass- Mayans.
place a cop would ever look for were racked by disease, food short- ing failures, especially considering the Mayan
concealed drugs. ages, general malaise, multiple pi- people figured it all out nearly 4,000 years ago. Moreover, the
rate attacks, a meteor strike, mass historical Mayan practice of sacrificing humans to appease Kukulcan
dementia, high winds, flooding, a was also spot on.
mutant strain of strep throat that
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E M

isfy its 68 million daily customers A ROUTINE GUN-SIGNING

with true-to-life facsimiles that ac-
MECCA, Saudi city that attracts more than 2 million pilgrims per GONE WRONG
year, making it the No. 2 hajj destination in the Middle East. With all William McKinley
tually taste and feel like food prod- the prestige and glamour of a top-rate hajj, Mecca is a good pilgrim- (b. Jan. 29,
ucts. In recent years McDonalds age alternative for cost-conscious Muslims seeking to fulfill their 1843 d. Sept.
has taken a leading role in encour- Quranic duty at a reasonable price. Mecca is the birthplace of the 14, 1901),
aging healthier eating habits by in- Prophet Muhammad, who is among the 10 most important figures 25th U.S.
troducing new, uncannily realistic in all of Islam. Meccas sister city is Reno, Nevada. president,
salads to its regular offerings. who was
Measurement, crude and soulless
accidentally gunned down by
Leon Czolgosz as the young
reductive practice of attempting to
anarchist eagerly approached
put something as intangible, as pro- McKinley seeking to have his
foundly ineffable, as the height, revolver autographed at a
weight, or mass of an object into gun-signing rally in Buffalo,
cold numeric terms. In its almost New York. Because he was so
breathtaking arrogance, measure- excited to get McKinleys
signature on his pistol,
ment dares to quantify abstract
Czolgosz did not notice the
concepts using absurdly inadequate signs posted at the event
standardized units such as inches, instructing all visitors to
liters, meters, or pounds. A variety For Muslims looking to perform their Tawaf without breaking the bank, unload their weapons, and
of instruments are implemented to Mecca is a nice alternative to other hajj destinations. when McKinley asked who he
tally these units, and there is truly should make the autograph
out to, Czolgoszs hand
nothing sadder than the sight of a the media is a mechanism through course funded by the same network
accidentally grazed the trigger
ruler being held up to an object as if which the fat-cat Filipinos who rule of Filipino bankers and moneymen and shot the president, who
length, of all things, could some- New York and Hollywood are able who have run the planet for dropped his pen and fell to
how be captured by some lines on a to cunningly disseminate a coded centuries. the ground, having signed
piece of wood. version of their agenda into mil- Menorah, nine-branched candela- only 57 other guns that
Media, Filipino-controlled tool os- lions of unsuspecting homes via brum positioned at the very end of afternoon. After publicly
forgiving Czolgosz for the
tensibly intended to distribute news their stranglehold on Americas a lightly trafficked mall corridor
honest mistake, McKinley
and information, but which is in ac- television networks, press, film, every December. died from his injuries eight
tuality used by the Filipinos to publishing, and recording indus- Merkel, Angela (b. July 17, 1954), days later.
spread disinformation and propa- tries. Anyone who attempts to German chancellor and arguably
ganda to promote their vast world- speak truth to power and shake up the most powerful woman in the
wide Filipino conspiracy. Run by the media establishment is shut world, placing her in the global
an elite secret consortium of the down by the ruthless, tightly con- power rankings just behind former
worlds most powerful Filipinos, nected Filipino cabal, which is of U.S. secretary of Veterans Affairs
Jim Nicholson and just ahead of
MARK McGWIRE (b. Oct. 1, 1963), former major-league personal injury attorney Dave Rear-
baseball player who admitted to using steroids for a decade, prior to don of Napier, Illinois.
which he was an 11-year-old boy in leg braces.
Metric System, standardized inter-
national method of measurement
that the United States would rather
First baseman jump head first into an empty
Mark McGwire swimming pool than convert to. Us-
prior to starting
a regular ing the gram as a unit of mass, the
regimen of liter as a unit of volume, and the me- MEDIA
anabolic ter as a unit of length, the metric The media industry shuts down
steroids (left) system has served to unify the na-
every November 30, when the
and after Filipinos who control it celebrate
(right). tions of the world, and, despite its Bonifacio Day.

intrinsic logic and relative ease of

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M

Medicine BRANCHES OF MEDICINE

Discipline comprising the Pediatrics: The treatment of Geriatrics: Specialty Psychiatry: See Psychol-
various unconscionable practices owies, boo-boos, and focusing on the unique ogy, because whether you
through which humans undermine advanced childhood anatomy of the elderly. psychiatrists like it or not,
the diseases and other bodily leukemia. theyre basically the same.
afflictions that nature intended for
them to suffer from. Not to be Optometry
Field of medicine concerned with
confused with inborn biological explaining to people that seeing is
defenses, medicine is a grievous irrelevant since the ultimate nature of
third-party intervention that reality is unknowable and then sending Endocrinology
them home Um, this looks
imposes wellness upon people who
like a good
had been destined to spend the rest of Otolaryngology place to stick
their lives dragging around a broken Specialty in the ear, this one
ankle or to die slowly and painfully of nose, and throat, many
of whose practitioners
spinal meningitis as predetermined by the natural have never even heard
order of life. As medical understanding has of eyes
increased over the millennia, so too has the ability
to cheat nature of the agony it has every right to
visit upon the human race.

General
HOW Diagnosis is the means Medicine
MEDICINE by which medical The point of
PROFANES professionals identify entry into the
NATURE and classify an illness medical
system for
that was meant to remain
Prevention involves the most
an insoluble mystery patients,
various obscene methods forever. Cardiology general
of stopping the Specialty that uses medicine is
development or spread Treatment is the attempt medication to treat mostly
of a malady, including to eliminate an heart disease until a practiced by
screenings, hygiene individuals existing cardiac surgeon with doctors
ailment, even though enough sack to get lacking the
improvements, or, most
that ailment arrived at bloody shoves the discipline to
perverse of all, cardiologist aside, get past
inoculations. the body first and cracks open the chapter three
compromised the sternum, and starts in an anatomy
immune system fair and cutting shit textbook
square.

Podiatry
Laevus
Gynecology Imagine Subdiscipline
a vagina here and then of podiatry
imagine the specialty focusing
in it exclusively on
the left foot

Podiatry
Field specializing
in treating those
afflicted with
feet

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E M

THREE DRUGSTORES
NOTABLE FIGURES IN MEDICINE THAT WILL HOOK YOU UP
WITH OXY WITHOUT A
LOT OF BULLSHIT

Louis Pasteur
First person to
deduce that
germs caused
disease. This was
less than 150
years ago, mind
you.

Robert Ledley
Man whose desire
to look at guts
without getting
CVS: 13785 N. Woodbridge Street,
wet led to the Michael Goldfarb Coral Springs, FL 33065
invention of the Such a nice man. Doesnt rush you in
CAT scan. and out of the office and not look up
from his chart the whole time youre
Edward Jenner sitting there. Beverly goes to him too,
While this scientists vaccine ultimately led to the and she says the same thing. Neither of
eradication of smallpox, the contagious disease still us could believe hes not married.
retains a loyal cult following among pathogen (Beverly thinks hes gay.)
aficionados.

Jonas Salk
Salk reportedly
developed the polio
vaccine to cover for
his brother Robert, Rite-Aid: 907 Chancery Drive,
who is believed to Sacramento, CA 94205
have developed the
polio virus.

Alexander Fleming
This Scottish bacteriologist accidentally discovered the
antibiotic penicillin after bacteria-killing fungus formed
on staphylococci cultures he had left unattended. This
breakthrough led to the modern research practice of
tossing samples of virulent bacteria into a vacant lot
Walgreens: 23 Fairfield Ave., Tulsa,
and hoping some stray cat urinates on it in just the OK 74101
right way.

Milestones in Medical Technology and Practice

Rock Anesthesia Stem Cell Research Stem Cell Research X-Ray

The first known medical Anesthesia allowed patients (pro-choice administration) (anti-abortion administration) Prior to the x-ray, physicians
apparatus, rocks were who previously would spend Although experimentation with Your Lou Gehrigs disease, your often wasted valuable time
employed as early as a surgical procedure embryonic stem cells is still in problem. clipping film to light boxes
25,000 BC to crush all screaming in pain to just lie its early stages, researchers without really knowing why.
manner of diseases. Fossil there trapped in their believe that stem cells could
evidence suggests that the immobile bodies, able to potentially be used to help
more severe the malady, feel every agonizing incision doctors understand the
the higher the point from but helpless to let anyone abnormal cell development
which the rock was dropped know. behind diseases such as
onto the afflicted. cancer, as well to manufacture
replacement tissue and organs.

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M Metropolis to Mister Ed

use, has also unified U.S. citizens in cules in food as if thats a completely nutrition, unsanitary drinking wa-
their preference for driving metal normal thing to do. Invented in ter, the Crusades, torture, the Black
stakes through their eyeballs over 1947, the microwave is used by Death, measles, scabies, typhus,
learning how to read Celsius. In hundreds of millions of people dysentery, tuberculosis, mumps,
fact, a majority of Americans have worldwide, all of whom at some scarlet fever, pneumonia, violent re-
said they would rather snort a gram point decided that food heated in ligious persecution, farm-related ac-
of coke, chug a liter of vodka, and an enclosed electrical box that emits cidents, completely random and
put a nine-millimeter bullet in their high-frequency magnetic fields and senseless murder, and childbirth.
heads than use the metric system. cell-radiating gamma rays is per- Despite the various attempts at
Metropolis, groundbreaking 1927 fectly fine to put into ones mouth technological, medical, and cultural
silent film directed by Fritz Lang and ingest. Other parts of a micro- development that occurred during
Meta, encyclopedia entry is a that predicted the second-worst wave used to heat the food people this era, the typical person in the
series of words that addresses a possible future for Germany. eat without any hesitation include Middle Ages was only able to not
topic, and is found inside an
encyclopedia along with many Michelangelo (b. Mar. 6, 1475 a cavity magnetron, a high-voltage die for an average of 35 years.
other encyclopedia entries. d. Feb. 18, 1564), contractor who transformer, and something called Migration, seasonal movement of
These may vary in length, and was fired after painting The Last a triac. If left in a microwave oven an animal population that was made
can be incredibly infuriating due
Judgment on the altar wall of the Sis- for too long, food will explode easier after Toyota developed cars
to their overly clever, self-
congratulatory nature. tine Chapel instead of just covering literally explodeso it is best to for animals, most notably the Toy-
it with a couple coats of gray paint put the unnaturally hot pieces of ota Goose, the Toyota Wildebeest,
as the pope had requested. food inside ones body for 10 or 20 and the Toyota Christmas Island
Microphone, sound amplification seconds before they reach this Red Crab.
device considered, along with as- point. Mile, distance that, if run, will al-
bestos and the atomic bomb, to be Middle Ages, period of European most certainly kill a person.
one of the worst inventions of history from the 5th to the 15th Milk, nutritional, high-calcium liq-
humankind. century during which people tried uid produced by mammals that
Microprocessor, revolutionary to not die with largely unsuccessful keeps bones strong and beautiful
square developed in 1971 by engi- results. Beginning after the fall of should ones body ever need to be
neers at Texas Instruments to go the Roman Empire, the Middle exhumed. Nutritionists recom-
inside computers. Ages was characterized by humans mend drinking at least one glass of
Microwave Oven, popular kitchen spending every waking moment of milk per day so that if one were
appliance that uses radiation and their lives in a desperate, and futile, to die under mysterious circum-
radio waves to heat polarized mole- attempt not to perish from mal- stances, the coroner would not be
confronted by an embarrassingly
METAMORPHOSIS, process by which all animals turn into weak, withered skeleton while re-
butterflies. trieving DNA samples to test for
Microscope, optical instrument Bear traces of poison. Research indicates
used for viewing very small that women, especially as they age,
objects such as minerals, samples should consider calcium supple-
of a teachers semen, or plant cells.
ments in addition to milk to ensure
Chicken solid, sturdy bones from which
forensics experts can ascertain
whether or not one was murdered
and set on fire in a car.
Human Milky Way, spiral galaxy containing
between 200 and 400 billion stars,
including our solar system, and a
massive black hole at its center that
sucked up God sometime during
the Jurassic period. The Milky Way
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E M

is also estimated to contain 50 bil- cerning Allied troop locations and cans can do anything. CITIES OF THE WORLD
lion planets in addition to the black supply lines. Whenever a new Mirror, polished surface that accu- Miami
hole that God fought desperately to Glenn Miller hit was released, Nazi rately reflects the grotesque image
claw His way out of, nearly grabbing forces would simply turn on their seen by others when they look at
the Earth and dragging it in with radios, write down the coordinates you. Before the invention of the
Him before being torn to bits by the embedded in the brassy big band mirror, people had no way of know-
strongest gravitational pull in the music, and stage devastating sur- ing just how misshapen their eyes
universe. While God is still wor- prise bombing raids on these posi- were, nor could they obsess with
shipped by many, scientists are tions. Miller disappeared in 1944 any degree of precision over the
Miami is the seat of Miami-
unanimous in their contention that after an Air Force plane he was in disgusting blemishes that horrify Dade County and acknowledges
the Milky Way black hole fully en- went missing over the English everyone around them. The more that theres a higher power.
gulfed Him and speculate that the Channel; historians believe he was recent innovation of magnifying
Large American city of 2.5
Lord has more than likely been using the disappearance as an op- mirrors has enabled millions of in-
million people located on
compressed into a one-dimensional portunity to smuggle into Nazi dividuals to brood over their discol- Floridas southern coast thats
point the size of an electron. hands detailed atomic-bomb sche- ored teeth or the fact that they will been clean and sober going
Miller, Glenn (b. Mar. 1, 1904 MIA matics he had stolen from Ameri- always be a failure in their fathers on six weeks now. A center of
Dec. 15, 1944), iconic American big can scientists and transposed into a eyes. finance and trade, Miami will
band leader of the World War II era swinging musical number. Mississippi River, largest river sys- remain, by the grace of God, a
substance-free destination for
who infiltrated the United States Minor, individual who is not legally tem in the United States, and prob-
millions of European and
Army as a Nazi spy to inundate considered an adult, a murky con- ably the single body of water into American tourists every year.
cept at the heart of the nonsensical which the most Orange Crush soda Settled as a Spanish mission
statutory-rape laws that make no has been spilled. Originating in in 1567, Miami has spent
distinction between an actual child, western Minnesota and running every day since in a haze of
who of course must be protected, more than 2,500 miles to the Gulf drugs and alcohol. The city
barely recalls some of its most
and a mature 16-year-old who of Mexico, the Mississippi River
important moments,
could easily pass for 25. Generally, discharges an astonishing 593,000 including the 1836 construc-
youths under the age of 18 are con- cubic feet of water per second and tion of Fort Dallas, its
sidered minors, a demarcation most likely releases 12 liters or so of incorporation as a city in
point that in no way accounts for Orange Crush and probably five 1896, or the suburban sprawl
the existence of a young woman pounds of dissolved Lays Cheddar of the past 50 years, which is
just a blur. Miami cleaned up
fully in command of her sexuality and Sour Cream potato chips a year.
for a bit in the late 1980s, but
who just happens to be a junior in In addition to its spectacular length, after the sudden appearance
high school. The age that deter- the Mississippi is also one of the of Hurricane Andrew and its
Americans with subliminal mes- mines minor status can vary be- deepest rivers in the world, reach- resultant $27 billion in
sages of Aryan superiority using his tween cultures, further proof that a ing nearly 200 feet at points and in damages, the city went on a
swinging music. Miller, who was man shouldnt have to face losing all likelihood containing about monthlong cocaine bender.
Miami finally hit rock bottom
charged with leading the U.S. Air everythinghis job, his family, not three, maybe four, WCW Dia-
with the real estate collapse of
Force Band, wrote catchy arrange- to mention his very freedom mond Dallas Page action figures 2008, when it drove away
ments of popular songs with wild because of some arbitrary number lodged at the bottom there nearly everyone who cared
call-and-response passages that designed to protect the so-called somewhere. about it. Still, Miami has a
were later discovered by American innocence of a girl whos done way, Mister Ed (b. 1959 d. 1970), mira- new outlook on life, and is
cryptographers to contain virulent way more shit than he has. cle horse with the ability to speak just going to take it one day
with the largest population of
anti-Semitic Morse code messages Miracle On Ice, historic hockey with a human voice and resolve
Cubans in the United States
and Nazi propaganda. Miller was game between the U.S. and Soviet logical and moral quandaries who at a time.
celebrated in the United States for mens teams during the 1980 Win- should have been revered as a god
his heroism and moral support of ter Olympics that showed that with by all mankind, but was instead
the war effort, even while he was a little pluck, a little luck, and an ar- made a mockery of on network tele-
encoding his upbeat jazz composi- rogant opposing coach benching vision. Though it would have been
tions with tactical information con- the worlds greatest goalie, Ameri- more appropriate to stable Mister
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M Shigeru Miyamoto to Herbert Morrison

Ed in a marble palace where he

could have been lovingly brushed ONLY TRULY HAPPY WHEN HE
WAS DOCTRINE-WRITING
and pampered during his every
James Monroe
waking hour and asked questions
(b. Apr. 28, 1758 d. July 4, 1831), fifth president of
by prominent scientists, philoso-
the United States, who churned out more than
phers, and reli- 12,000 doctrines during his two terms in officea
gious figures in rate of nearly 30 doctrines per week. Though the
hopes of gleaning Monroe Doctrine and its argument against further European
from him some colonization of the Americas remains his most enduring, Monroe
wisdom about the wrote thousands of lesser-known doctrines, including the James
Doctrine, the Presidential Doctrine, Untitled Doctrine #434, and the
true nature of all
Gray Squirrel Doctrine. Monroe tried his hand at writs and proclama-
things, the miracle horses phenom- tions but never found the same success as he did with his true
enal abilities were squandered in a passion, the doctrine. In his 1824 Diary Doctrine, Monroe describes
poorly scripted comedy series that how inspiration would usually come in the middle of the night,
placed the proud animal in a num- causing him to bolt from his bed, go to his desk, and write furiously
ber of improbable and humiliating for hours, often waking up the next day to find a jumbled, unclear
doctrine that lacked any discernible structure. Because Monroe never
situations. Reduced by his handlers
Mitosis, process in cellular
knew when a new doctrine concept might come, he always carried
to a cheap punch line for the enter- around a Doctrines Ideas notebook, in which he wrote such musings
division wherein the nucleus
divides, typically while feeling a tainment of the masses, Mister Ed as Doctrine about education, Doctrine about the fishing industry,
slight twinge of regret about refused to speak during his rare and Salvation Doctrine? Could be good. In addition to handling the
perpetuating an individuals public appearances, no doubt in Panic of 1819 and presiding over the admission of Missouri into the
DNA. union in 1821, Monroe spent a majority of his presidency in long
protest over the indignities he was
meetings with Cabinet members bouncing doctrine ideas off of them
forced to suffer week after week on
or brainstorming brand-new doctrines on the spot.
set. After the cancellation of his
eponymous TV show, Mister Ed
was tragically euthanized in 1970, Miyamoto did manage to get to the ders van Braak III to reveal the de-
having never spoken a single word end of the level once, but he choked tails of his long-awaited Van Braaks
to anyone ever againan incalcu- and ran right under Bowser, and has Solution. Also in attendance was
lable loss to mankind and its under- not played the game since, concen- famed experimental physicist Dr.
standing of its place in the cosmos. trating instead on getting past the Charles Alexander Oberon, who
Miyamoto, Shigeru (b. Nov. 16, Distant Spring in Pikmin. stormed out of the summit follow-
1952), Japanese creator of Super Mohonk Summit, international ing a heated argument with van
Mario Bros., the first side-scroller conference of leading scientists, Braak III concerning the latters re-
and one of the most popular video military strategists, religious and fusal to use his yet-to-be-completed
games of all time, though Miyamo- political leaders, and members of sonic-neural technology for mili-
to himself was unable to get past the Sons of Pyrrho cult held at the tary purposes. Though it was not
level 5-4 because of the difficulty made public at the time, residents
involved in timing his dash past the in the surrounding areas reported
rotating fire bars. Miyamoto went widespread power outages and pe-
Moccasin, aggressive and highly on to create several sequels, includ- riods of memory loss over the 72
venomous soft-leather shoe that
dwells primarily in lakes and
ing the record-breaking bestseller hours during which the summit
marshes. Super Mario Bros. 3, even though he took place.
would get flustered every time he Mona Lisa, portrait by Leonardo
tried to jump over the shooting fire- da Vinci that is considered the most
balls and would wind up falling Mohonk Mountain House resort in famous painting in the world and
repeatedly into the infinite black- upstate New York. Though ostensi- that hangs in the Louvre with the
ness until he grew so frustrated that bly organized to discuss global envi- corresponding blue ribbon pinned
he would throw his controller ronmental policy, observers believe to its frame.
across the room in disgust. In 2004, it was the setting for physicist An- Money, medium of exchange used
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E M

A-Football-Nice, Good Quarter- CITIES OF THE WORLD

MONSANTO PRODUCT 3148d4, agricultural property back Joe, The Pigskin Magician, Montreal
bearing U.S. patents 8,013,224 and 8,003,865, consisting of a and Billy Baseball.
central cylindrical core known as the cob surrounded by rows of
Moon, decayed husk of the Earths
edible white or yellow seeds, or kernels. Grown on reedy stalks
(patent pending), Monsanto Product 3148d4 is mass-produced on dead twin. Astrophysicists theorize
farms by technicians who have paid appropriate licensing fees to that the moon didnt receive
Monsanto and can provide documentation of said payment upon enough hydrogen and oxygen dur-
request. Those who fail to do so in a timely manner, or are ing early stages of development be-
harboring Monsanto Product 3148d4 or any hybrid containing The worlds most livable city
cause the more dominant twin, for three weeks out of the year.
elements of Monsanto Product 3148d4 on their property, or are
Earth, monopolized the elements
found to have consumed beef or pork that has eaten Monsanto Large Canadian urban center
Product 3148d4, are in clear violation of 31 separate state and necessary for sustaining life, which
considered among the worlds
federal statutes and will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. it used to grow into the fifth-largest most livable cities for the
planet in the solar system. Although three weeks in late June and
the moons shriveled corpse still or- early July during which its 3.8
bits the Earth, plans are under way million inhabitants can safely
to remove it from the planets gravi- go outside for more than 30
seconds without having their
tational field and incinerate it.
flesh frozen into a black,
Morgue, self-storage facility where
necrotic lump. Located at the
customers pay a monthly fee to confluence of the Ottawa and
store and access the dead bodies St. Lawrence rivers, Montreal
they dont have room for in their has, for 21 days, beautiful
homes. Morgue chambers are open-air markets, clean public
transportation, and a thriving
rented under an agreement stipulat-
artistic community. Before
ing that if a customer stops paying, a and after that its sheer
coroner reserves the right to clip torture. With its humid
the lock off and auction its contents climate, Montreal is actually
to the public. pretty disgusting in the
Morrison, Herbert (b. May 14, summer, too.
Monsanto Product 3148d4, all rights reserved. 1905 d. Jan. 10, 1989), radio an-
nouncer best known for crying out
to obtain goods, services, and value of used dirt bikes, both of Oh, the humanity! upon witness-
Honda CRV450X dirt bikes. which are great options, especially ing the 1937 explosion of the Ger-
Money can take multiple symbolic because the CRV450X is way safer man airship Hindenburg, a historic
forms, though it generally consists than dirt bikes used to be and is a moment that propelled him to a ca-
of banknotes and coins, which, in really cool bright orange color and reer of issuing quotable exclama-
proper quantities, can be traded for makes this awesome sound, and if tions at various horrific events.
a liquid-cooled four-stroke 449cc someone really wants one and saves Throughout the 1940s and 50s
engine that is a really great deal con- enough he should be able to buy it Morrison was hired to provide an-
sidering how much they were just himself, especially if he promises to guished commentary for a series of
two years ago. Money is usually also buy a helmet and take a safety calamities and did not disappoint,
printed and guaranteed by a na- course. Both of which can also be shouting such lines as My God, the
tional government, which regulates obtained with money. unthinkable has happened! during
how much is released into the econ- Montana, Joe (b. June 11, 1956), the attack on Pearl Harbor, and
omy and adjusts the value of circu- retired NFL hall of fame quarter- The waters everywhere! These
lated currency in relation to the back and four-time Super Bowl poor, innocent souls! during the
global marketplace; these bureau- champion with the San Francisco Great Flood of 1951. But his public
cratic processes can often indirectly 49ers. His nicknames include Joe standing declined sharply following
affect dealership financing rates for Cool, Golden Joe, The Golden a series of gaffes, including his tepid
new dirt bikes and the fair market Great, Comeback Joe, Joey Pass- Good gosh at the assassination of
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M Mosque to John Muir

CITIES OF THE WORLD President Kennedy, and his offen-

Moscow sively flippant Mamma mia, that
had to hurt! after civil rights leader
Martin Luther King, Jr., was killed.
No longer welcome at assassina-
tions and conspicuously snubbed
for the Kent State shootings, Mor-
rison spent the remainder of his life
exclaiming Oh, the savings! at a
Within walking distance of the
Kremlin, there are probably 100 variety of retail promotional events
stores that only sell stonewashed as he waited in vain for someone to
jeans and smoked fish. hire him for the Challenger disaster.
Mosque, Muslim place of worship
Capital and most populous The inside of the mosque contains the holy qiblah wall, the FBIs preferred spot to
city in Russia that probably that typically consists of a prayer
set up a miniature Mpeg 4 DVR Recording System.
has a lot of weird stores. A hall, a dome surrounded by a mina-
major regional center for rets, a niche or other structure lepers of Calcutta, all of whom gra- back 200 times. The total number
politics, commerce, culture, indicating the direction of Mecca, ciously overlooked the fact she of mouse pads cannot be calcu-
science, education, and and 30 to 40 listening devices plant- threw up at least five times a day. lated, as the computational lab ded-
transportation, Moscow more
ed by the FBI. At its focal point is a Motion 2 Offense, play run by icated to that study continues to
than likely boasts hundreds of
moderately stocked, tiled- platform for an imam to preach five Hartfield High School in which produce more mouse pads itself.
ceiling grocery stores, shoe times a day and be filmed by under- point guard John Hall dribbles to Movie, series of moving images of-
repair shops where you can cover agents in the first row wearing the top of the key and passes to ten used to entertain people who
also get a haircut, and buttonhole cameras, as well as a shooting guard Andrew Furman on patronize popcorn dens. A movie
pharmacies that carry pills, pulpit for other speakers to deliver the left wing. Forward Dale Eutsey can be projected on the wall of a
poison, strange hats, canned
sermons while being captured on sets a pick on Michael Schillings vast, darkened popcorn den, where,
meat, and pop cassettes.
Moscow is home to the microphones hidden in the walls defender. Schilling runs across the for an $11.95 entrance fee, people
world-famous Bolshoi Ballet; and ceilings that transmit in real baseline to the other side of the can sit in cushioned seats and ingest
almost definitely at least one time to a surveillance van parked court, where he should be open for massive amounts of popcorn while
very odd place that smells like across the street. Outside the a three-pointer. If not, Eutsey rolls staring straight ahead in a languid
eggs and varnish where its mosque is an area for members of off his pick and should be open stupor, their feet fused to the sticky
impossible to tell who is
the congregation to remove their down low for an easy layup. If nei- floors as they inhale the stale, recir-
working and who is a
customer, and whether it is in shoes and purify themselves with ther option is available, it is run culated air with ragged, labored
fact a store, a restaurant, or water drawn from a faucet, a ritual again and again until something breaths. Those who make movies
someones living room; as that can be easily photographed opens up, or Furman takes it to the stopped including compelling char-
well as St. Basils Cathedral. from cars with tinted windows hole himself. acters or plots decades ago, as the
circling the block and using Mountain Dew, PepsiCo-brand soft squinting, popcorn-bloated patrons
high-powered zoom lenses. Al- drink popular in the geek culture who exit the filthy dens into the un-
though it is not specifically decreed due to the fact that each bottle con- forgiving midday sununsure if
in the Quran, most mosques are tains one drop of thyroxine from they spent days or only hours mind-
segregated by gender, with women William Gibsons thyroid gland. lessly cramming popcorn into their
sitting behind men, which allows Mouse Pad, most plentiful object mouths in the darkbarely re-
female agents to train their voice on earth. It is estimated that for member having seen a movie at all.
recorders on conversations be- each product, company, or concept Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus (b.
tween the specific people under that has come into being since Jan. 27, 1756 d. Dec. 5, 1791), pro-
MOUSE PAD
investigation without being too 1992, at least 10,000 corresponding lific German composer and child
One of the 37.5 billion mouse pads
manufactured in the United States obvious. mouse pads have been manufac- prodigy who showed an early
this year. Mother Teresa (b. Aug. 26, 1910 tured. If laid end-to-end, there are interest in music by writing his first
d. Sept. 5, 1997), Catholic nun who enough AOL mouse pads alone to concerto while still a sperm. Con-
spent 45 years ministering to the cover the distance to the sun and sidered a musical genius at the
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E M

earliest stages of his life, Mozart 8, 632), prophet and founder of Is- his burning, all-consuming hatred
wrote his Symphony No. 1 and at lam who was murdered by hard-line of its mountains. While Muir spent
least three violin sonatas before he fundamentalists for brazenly de- much of his life urging the govern-
entered his mothers ovum and, as a picting the image of Muhammad by ment to preserve the wilderness by
zygote, regularly conducted string showing his face in public. While establishing national parks, he in-
quintets. Impressed by the fact that spreading spiritual teachings that vested an equal amount of time and
he completed his would become the bulk of the energy advocating leveling the
first opera two Quran, Muhammads life was fre- Rockies, Cascades, Appalachians,
weeks after fertil- quently threatened by extremist fol- and Catskills, and dumping the
ization, Mozarts lowers who believed Muhammads rubble into the sea. Muir wrote nu-
parents traveled insistence on displaying Muham- merous books and essays inspiring
throughout Eu- mads likeness while preaching and politicians and Murdoch, Rupert (b. Mar. 11,
rope so the embryo could study interacting with others was a blas- citizens alike to 1931), Australian-born American
media mogul who, despite being
with other composers, most nota- phemous, unforgivable act that en- maintain the an utterly irredeemable piece of
bly Johann Christian Bach. Mozart couraged idolatry. Muhammad was splendor of the human trash, is smiling in this
composed more than 600 works beaten to death inside his home by beautiful forests picture for some reason.
and had to delay his own birth 15 fundamentalist assailants at the age and plains by dy-
seconds so that he could finish of 62, after which radical Islamists namiting the godforsaken moun-
conducting the second act of Coss mourned the death of the prophet tains into oblivionmerely the
Fan Tutte at the Vienna Opera and issued a fatw death sentence sight of their vile, odious snow-
House. against his killers. capped peaks make me retch my
Mr. James Reginald Townsend, a Muir, John (b. Apr. 21, 1838 d. Dec. stomachs contents entire. The
man who requires no introduction, 24, 1914), Scottish-born American famed preservationist was known
I believe. naturalist whose love for the na- to bring large sledgehammers with
Muhammad (b. Apr. 26, 570 d. June tions forests was matched only by him on his frequent nature treks,

CITIES OF THE WORLD tusked beasts the size of ten oxen

Mumbai to spices so priceless they could
YE EMPERORS, KINGS, fetch a kings ransom if somehow
DUKES, MARQUISES, EARLS, graspedMumbai has eluded
AND KNIGHTS, and all others the sea-faring vessels of even our
desirous of knowing the diverse most seasoned navigators
natures of cities and dwelling- seeking its storied, nay, mythic!,
places of Men, especially those of bejeweled port. Believe us in
the East, hark now to the great this, that although the way be
and marvelous recounting of the uncharted, treacherous, fraught
faraway city of striking scents, with fearsome beasts, and
flowing silks, exotic spices, and peopled by swart and doughty
ten thousands of constant villains, the procurement of
surprises, that being gold- Mumbais mysteriously spiced
drenched, distant, and nigh- cuisine alone would be worth
inaccessible Mumbai, whose the cost in blood and treasure of
bounteous products would bring establishing overland routes. To A vast fortune in spices awaits any soul brave enough to set sail for the lost city
us great fortune, ah! if only we that end, it would be fortunate in of Mumbai.
could but reach that fabled city the utmost to formulate a plan, at
of the Orient! Built on a distant the earliest possible hour, to this storied Port, and braves the as to beggar the imagination.
archipelago of islands presumed dedicate as many merchant Ships tempestuous capes and whirling Come! Let us now make haste!
to be seven in numberand oft of the Line as possible, to set sail maelstroms of the oceans of the Untold treasures await all whose
told to be a center of Trade in for far Mumbai at the first Africs and Indies, shall return oars strike the glistening
things great and small, from expedient turning of the tides; ballasted with such riches and diamond waters of faraway
cloth and comestibles to giant for every craft that sets out for precious spices of striking flavor Mumbais harbors!

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M

WOODWINDS BRASS
Music Made in sizes inversely proportional to Despite all of its bravado, the most insecure
Combination of melodic how annoying they are class of instruments
and rhythmic sounds
widely regarded as a Clarinet Trombone
terrible, terrible universal Initially invented as Slide and blow. Boom.
language. Music is created a way to drive
Welcome to the New
wolves away from
when one or more livestock York Philharmonic.
musicians play a series of Bugle
notes or rhythms on an Sickly tuba that
instrument, creating a Recorder has wasted away
Small, plastic to practically
variety of sounds that, instrument often nothing because
while pleasing to the ear taught to children to
it has cancer
and nice for dancing, are of dissuade them from
playing music pretty bad
absolutely no use whatso-
ever as an international
language to communicate Baritone
across disparate cultures, Saxophone
Tolerable for
since blowing into a tuba up to 15
will not help one ask a minutes
Cambodian street vendor French Horn
for directions to the U.S. Brass instrument with a
coiled tube, valves, and
embassy, nor will singing
a wide bell that must be
an a cappella rendition of played sparingly, or else
Moondance aid in the noise might spur
communicating to an audience members to
Uzbeki woman that one join in on a fox hunt
Oboe Trumpet
has suffered a painful Not processed in the same Bassoon Instrument that has never
injury and is in desperate way as other sounds, the noise Much like a
once made anyone smile or
need of medical assistance. the oboe makes actually relentless, but
less-soothing, pleased anyone in any
bypasses the cochlea and
Moreover, at no point directly vibrates the rage duck discernable way
during a typical meeting of center of the brain
the U.N. General Assem-
bly does a delegate use a
cello to communicate a Kazoo
complex geopolitical point Woodwind instrument
traditionally used to
to representatives of the introduce the littlest king
other 192 nations in
attendance. In the vast
majority of instances,
senseless violence remains
the universal language of Tuba
Piccolo Flute
choice. Jesus-fucking-Christ, what is Largest and lowest-pitched brass
that? Is someone smashing a instrument that produces a wide range of
parakeet with a rock? sounds when tossed down a stairwell

A HISTORY 50,000 BC 2100 BC 987 BC 809 1698 1767 1943

OF MUSIC Music is invented Struggling lyre trio An unknown The Catholic First piano British soldiers kill Boogie Woogie
after Paleolithic Aphrodites Wind Chinese Church bans invented; an unknown Bugle Boy from
hunter Oonek gets its big break composer writes all music first piano number of Company B is shot
Thak falls down a after being asked a simple nine-note except for the lessons Delaware Indians in through the eye by
mountain to his to play the big orgy melody that will F-sharp. quit two the modern-day a German sniper.
death in a at Citizen forever become weeks United States with
particularly Nichomachus easy shorthand later. a gift of smallpox-
rhythmic fashion. palace. for Western infected
racists. harmonicas.

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E M

STRINGS PERCUSSION MUSICAL GENRES

Family of instruments that produce sound by Considered the oldest musical instruments, dating World
vibrating the strings with a bow, plectrum, or back to the prehistoric stone triangle Weird, unlistenable shit,
blazing fast fingers that are shredding like a probably from Africa and
Asia that, besides African
fucking madman and Asian people, is pretty
much only enjoyed by pervy,
Bass Guitar creepy jerks who are trying
Violin Four-stringed instrument to fuck graduate students.
Tiny cello that is meant to compliment the
played between the Country
lead guitar with a sparing American music style whose
legs with a bow in a bass line depending on rootsy sound reflects a
seated position whether or not the bass simpler time when music
player is aware of this fact only required a man, his
guitar, his backing band, his
horn section, his
prearranged synth patches,
his digital Auto-Tune filter,
his well-known female guest
singer, his $1,200-per-hour
Drums producer, his multimillion
dollar PR machine, and a
Instrument you can either be a total pussy about simple, heartfelt song.
or instead get a motherfucking double
kick-drum. SLAYER. ELO
An uncategorizable enigma
Double Bass of sublime harmonies,
Deeper- melodies, and expert lyrical
voiced, hairier Vocal Cords craft, Electric Light
violin Bloody, sinuous instru- Orchestra released 11
ments that are difficult to irreproachable studio
reassemble after taking out albums between 1971 and
Cello 2001. Helmed by
to clean
Great to have around in case one gets the songwriting genius and
studio magician Jeff Lynne,
sudden urge to play Gyrgy Ligetis
ELOs dominance will forever
Sonata for Solo Cello remain unchallenged in the
realm of music, if one could
even describe something so
Banjo advanced with a term as
Scientists are still divided glib and unimaginative as
over whether mental illness music.
causes one to take up the
Blues
banjo or whether learning Soulful, stirring musical
the banjo causes mental genre that was the stated
illness purpose of slavery in
America. In order to create
the pastiche of American
Viola and European folk music
Bowed string Giro combined with African
instrument that rhythmic qualities and
Wooden-ridged harmonies, people were
sounds best when instrument played with stolen from Africa and
musicians are a wooden stick, the Maracas forced to work in the fields
playing it so sound of which Instrument completely of the New World, where the
intensely that tufts simulates the feeling of ignored by Beethoven hardship and intermingling
when he was of musical styles were
of hair fall over being engulfed in
Guitar intended to mix and
their eyes and a cockroaches considering which coalesce into the expressive
Plucked string instrument that can
vein bulges on instruments to include musical form of the blues.
play most of Credence Clearwater
their neck in his symphonic
Revivals Proud Mary Classical
compositions
Broad term used to
describe either 1,000 years
worth of music in the
European tradition or Duh
December
cember 1956 1960 1975 2009
Duh Duh DUUUUUUUM.
30, 1947 First tennis The Beatles form, The Sex Pistols have rough, Though the group
ELO founder racket played beginning a three-hour-long intercourse with the has been dormant for
Jeff Lynne is like a guitar decade-long career Queen of England live on stage. the past 11 years, Rap
born.
n. for laughs. that leaves the world billions across the Musical genre invented by
sorely wanting for the world pray that ELO black people and later
orchestral sweep and will reunite and give appropriated by other black
studio perfection of their otherwise people.
future Electric Light wasted lives a brief
Orchestra albums. flicker of meaning.

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M Gimme My Mule to Navy SEALs

and often spent hours personally fucked up things to a dead body. not know how food works.
destroying as much as he could of Murrow, Edward R. (b. Apr. 25, My Lai Massacre, successful mili-
any mountain he came across. 1908 d. Apr. 27, 1965), beloved tary operation of the Vietnam War
Mule, Gimme My, 1975 song by American newsman whose com- in which the U.S. Army brutally
the Commodores whose title was pulsive chain-smoking was widely murdered, raped, and tortured 347
formatted in this manner to avoid emulated by 1950s youth in an Viet Cong troops posing as preg-
royalty and publishing fees. effort to look nant women and invalids. Members
Mummification, burial process of impartial and ex- of Charlie Company completed the
removing vital organs from a dead ude journalistic March 16, 1968, mission despite
body, embalming and wrapping it integrity. By tak- being greatly outnumbered by Viet
in fine linen, and putting it into a ing up Murrows Cong operatives impersonating un-
coffin, which was only performed three-pack-a-day armed infants, bedridden grand-
once because the ancient Egyptian habit, young people around the parents, and grazing water buffalo.
people realized it was a pretty weird country sought to embody the im- The troops courageously swept
and disturbing thing to do. The age of the honest, nightly-news- through civilian homes in the South
technique, which involved pulling delivering American male doggedly Vietnamese village and executed
the brain through the nostrils with a committed to excellence in radio several high-ranking Viet Cong of-
MTV, television station that
young people used to think was long hook and placing it in a jar and television broadcasting. ficers who were pretending to be
cool but now only young along with the liver, intestines, and Murrows iconic white shirt, black small toddlers cowering under ta-
people think is cool. lungs, was rightly regarded by the tie, and suspenders were also a pop- bles and screaming for mercy, as
ancient Egyptian culture as truly bi- ular fashion among teens at well as a general hiding in a womb
zarre and unnecessary, as evidenced the time, who smoked cigarette disguised as a fetus. The battle,
in several funerary hieroglyphics after cigarette hoping to come pivotal to the overall conflict, left
that read, Why did we just do across as four-Peabody-Award- American troops exhausted both
this? and Lets never talk about winning champions of fairness who physically and emotionally after a
this again. Its gross. While Egyp- would never let partisanship or per- long day of raping Viet Cong sol-
tians first maintained that the prac- sonal opinion get in the way of ac- diers imitating female civilians and
tice enabled the dead to cross curate reporting. desecrating the bodies of enemy
peacefully over to the afterlife, they Mustard, condiment made from combatants passing themselves off
later admitted the ritual was just an mustard seeds that is smeared all as a pile of harmless corpses.
excuse to fulfill a sick desire to do over strawberries by people who do

MYTHOLOGY, collection of traditional stories and belief systems through which a culture humiliates itself in the eyes of future generations.
GREEK NORSE NATIVE AMERICAN JAPANESE
Icarus: Winged figure who arro- Freyja: Goddess who rides in a Water Spider: In Cherokee myth, this Susanoo: God of Yomi, the hell-
gantly flew too close to the sun and chariot pulled by cats, something most creature carried the first water to Man in ish underworld of the Shinto tra-
was destroyed, which, curiously, is of the other Norse gods consider a a basket on its back, a sight so terrifying dition, the concept of which had
the one Greek myth that everyone giant red flag that Man immediately shrieked and to be drastically revised following
in America still remembers killed it in a breathless panic, lit it on the bombings of Hiroshima and
Thor: God of thunder whose enchant- fire, and then dumped all the water in Nagasaki
Hermes: Messenger god respon- ed hammer could only be picked up by the basket on it to put out the massive,
sible for annoyingly bursting into the god himself due to the PROP- uncontrolled blaze Kappa: Waterborne vampiric
the room with a message right at the ERTY OF THOR label on it beasts with monkey bodies that
best part of every Greek myth Jesus Christ: This is what we do to likely represent something es-
Odin: God who already knows he people sential at the core of all Japanese
Sphinx: Monster who, once Oe- will be killed by a giant wolf named people but probably best not to
dipus solved her riddle, was forced Fenrir during Coyote: Figure said to have stolen fire investigate
to put up Ragnark, so from the gods as a gift to mankind, a hat is
what that
with lines he deserves a narrative probably
around the lot of credit derived from real-life
block full for carrying coyotes behavior of
of people on with that building campfires in
waiting to always hang- the desert and sitting
say, Man ing over his around them
head

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E N

Nagasaki, port city in southwest-

N
ern Japan and site of an August
1945 bombing operation that suc-
cessfully killed 73 rapists, three
men in the process of robbing a
bank, 645 wife beaters, roughly 800
children who would have grown up Nn . .
Durable, high-quality
to be terrible people, 115 hardened
fourteenth letter in the basic
prisoners set to be executed any- modern English alphabet,
way, a dog that was in great pain and featuring:
needed to be put down, and at least Attractive sharp-cornered
one person who at some future design
Italic and bold compatibility
point would contemplate a possible
Versatile consonant
sneak attack on the United States. functionality
Namath, Joe (b. May 31, 1943), Perfect for use in negative,
legendary New York Jets quarter- Astronauts must clean spilled soda and cake off the shuttle floor to prepare for the Nairobi, Norton, honey,
next wealthy childs birthday party. nine, and Nnt
back who famously delivered on his
2.5-cti scopability with
bold, publicly stated guarantee to National Mall, open-area park in were only several decades away D-point enhancement
drink heavily for the next seven sea- downtown Washington, D.C., that from their own Industrial Revolu-
sons after winning Super Bowl III. serves as a visible and symbolic site tion, which would have led to the
NASA (National Aeronautics and at which protesting Americans can invention of the steam engine, fol-
Space Administration), govern- be ignored. With the Capitol Build- lowed by the assembly line and later
ment agency that was once respon- ing, Washington Monument, and television, eventually laying waste
sible for overseeing the space Lincoln Memorial all forming a dra- to Americas traditional tribal
program of the United States but matic backdrop along the 1.9-mile culture by roughly 1955. By most
has since been reduced to organiz- strip of land, U.S. citizens can as- estimates, the Native American dot-
ing elaborate space-themed birth- semble, sometimes by the hundreds com bubble would likely have burst
day parties for the children of of thousands, and be absolutely sometime around the year 2043.
billionaires. Founded in 1958 with certain they will be overlooked, Nature vs. Nurture, age-old debate
the bold mission of sending human disregarded, or mocked and then about whether human behavior
beings into the vast reaches of outer dismissed out of hand. Since the stems from genetically based in-
space, NASA is now only able to re- 1900s, the National Mall has served stincts (nature) or the time you saw
main financially solvent by offering as a place for Americans of all races your fathers erection (nurture).
weekend-long birthday fun packs in and genders to have their pleas for Navy SEALs, special operations
which highly trained astronauts justice fall on the deaf ears of pow- force of the U.S. Navy, an elite unit
give piggy-back rides to the 9-year- erful elected officials who work just that loses 90 percent of new recruits
old offspring of investment bank- blocks away. because they cant handle all the
ers. NASAs Zero Gravity Research Native American, person belong- gross seaweed. While SEAL candi-
Facility also hosts capture the flag ing to one of the indigenous tribes dates must learn to perform com-
games and permits groups of in- of North Americans driven from plex military maneuvers in often NATIVE AMERICAN
credibly entitled children to eat their land by European settlers be- harsh, punishing environments, no Marcellus Red Tomahawk, whose
descendants never had the chance
birthday cake and ice cream in the fore they could develop into a fully single challenge forces soldiers out
to build factories and release their
cabin of a recently decommissioned industrialized society and destroy of the training program faster than own noxious chemicals into the
water supply.
$3 billion shuttle. While no mis- their way of life on their own. regular contact with wet, slimy sea-
sions into space are currently in de- Though nearly wiped out by colo- weed that gets all over their hair and
velopment, NASA is tentatively nists and violently forced to leave in their wet suits. All soldiers who
planning to put a giant bouncy cas- their homes before sinking into dis- successfully complete SEAL train-
tle on the moon in time for David ease, destitution, and death, the ing must go through six weeks of
Kochs grandsons seventh birthday. various Native American peoples intense psychological screening to
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N

Napkin The Features

Piece of cloth or paper used during meals, Of A Napkin
snacks, or desserts to wipe the mouth and Upper Right
Top Edge
fingers as well as to protect clothing from Corner
Upper Left
contact with food. Derived from the French Corner
word nappe, for a cloth table covering, the
napkin is indispensable for maintaining
cleanliness while dining and is an essential
component of any place setting. Napkins are
square, with four equal sides that meet at
90-degree angles, and are typically no more
than 12 inches in length. Coarser than toilet Groove
paper but less abrasive than paper towels, the
surface of a paper napkin is composed of a
50-by-50 grid of tiny divots, each of which has
no more than one quarter of a millimeter
separating it from the surrounding divots.
Napkins may contain multiple layers, each of
which is known as a ply. Consumer-grade Left Edge Middle
napkins are generally either two-ply or
three-ply. In some extreme cases, diners may Right Edge
come across a four-ply napkin.
Napkin Use
At the start of the meal, a napkin is opened up
and spread over the lap or tucked, cravat
style, into the collar. As the meal progresses,
the napkin is periodically removed from the
De Smets
Alpha Position and is used to dab at the Flap
mouth, with particular emphasis on the Divot
corners where the upper and lower lips meet.
Napkins may also be used to absorb unantici-
pated spills (in such a case, the original napkin
will be replaced with a dry napkin), or as a
receptacle into which bad-tasting food may be
discreetly disgorged. At the conclusion of the
meal, napkins are laid in the Omega Position,
either on the table or crumpled up and Lower Right
Corner
deposited on the plate. Paper napkins are then Lower Left
Bottom Edge
discarded; cloth napkins are washed and Corner
reused.
Napkins In The Home
Napkins for household use are widely available
at supermarkets, drug stores, and party supply
retailers, and may be purchased in packs
numbering anywhere from 50 to several striped, white with floral patterns, white
with avian patterns, yellow and pink, and VOICES OF HISTORY
hundred. It is customary for restaurants to
include napkins for free with the purchase of a any combination of these, or other May I please
meal and, in fast-food establishments, to offer heretofore unmentioned colors. have another
them in self-serve dispensers. Towelettes napkin?
Napkin Aesthetics An enhanced version of the napkin is
HENRY DAVID
Possible napkin colors include white, red, known as a towelette. It is generally THOREAU
black, yellow, gold, blue, blue-and-white pre-moistened.

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E N

CITIES OF THE WORLD Traveling In New York City

New York City New York is made up of five boroughs, and Manhattan is the
one where the American Folk Art Museum is located.
Northeastern American city known as
Upon arrival in The Big
the home of the American Folk Art
Apple, hail a taxi from the
Museum, one of the largest collec- airport to one of the five hotels
tions of traditional folk art in the near the American Folk Art
country. New York has housed the Museum. Simply say, The
American Folk Art Museum since American Folk Art Museum,
1961, and each year, hundreds of and the driver will know where
visitors flood the city to see the to go.
museums acclaimed exhibitions on
quilt-making and Pennsylvania Dutch Visitors should be prepared to
furniture. With its popular folk art spend at least $200 during any
stay in New York: $36 cab fare
museum, world-class museum gift
to and from American Folk Art
shop, and reputation as a leading city
Museum, $100 for American
in the preservation of utilitarian and Folk Art Museum Gift Shop
decorative indigenous art, New York purchases, and $64 for food.
remains a cultural force despite no
new additions or renovations to the While there are several restaurant options in Manhattan, China
American Folk Art Museum since Grill is the closest to the American Folk Art Museum. Alterna-
2011. New York Citys American Folk tively, Connollys Pub is only half a block farther away, and is also a
Art Museum is located at 2 Lincoln good place to eat quickly before rushing back to the museum.
Square, New York, New York, and is
open from noon to 7:30 p.m. It will require at least three full days to see everything New York
has to offer, from the braided Shaker rugs in the AFAMs rug wing
Tuesdays through Saturdays, and
to the thousands upon thousands of pages of paper ephemera.
from noon to 6 p.m. on Sundays.

prepare for handling seaweed under ment website Craigslist. A former spurring the growth of the eco-
actual combat conditions. computer programmer at IBM, nomy social dictatorship con-
Nazi Germany, horrifying proof Nelson launched the site in 1999 to tributed to a restructuring of U.S.
that if people work together, they serve the San politics, allowing the Democratic
can accomplish anything. Francisco Bay Party to control both houses of
Necktie, article of clothing that Area, and it has Congress for 44 Lenin Trotsky Newton, Isaac (b. Jan. 4, 1643
must be worn every day in court so since expanded to Marx of the next 48 years Mao on d. Mar. 31, 1727), English
the jury thinks one looks respect- 700 cities across the strength of its progressive ideas, astronomer who was not included
able enough not to have committed 70 countries. Nel- including strong labor unions, civil in previous editions of this
encyclopedia because editors
statutory rape, which, to be fair, is sons personal net worth is believed rights, and a larger role enemies were not yet convinced he
sort of a stupid law, right? to be well over $600 million. from within of the federal govern- deserved the honor.
Nefertiti (b. 1370 bc d. 1330 bc), New Deal, set of economic pro- ment. Some of the more popular
473-pound wart and ruler of An- grams, conceived and implemented New Deal programs included the
cient Egypt who was so powerful socialist between 1933 and 1936 by Civilian Conservation Corps, the
that not one depiction of her like- President Franklin D. Roosevelt, Civil Works Administration, trea-
ness exists in which she is not that helped lift the United States son, treason, treason, treason, trea-
shown to be svelte and beautiful. socialist out of the Great Depres- son, treason, treason, and the Works
Neighbor, person who could be a sion. The broad range of initiatives Progress Administration.
co-conspirator in your wifes mur- socialist focused on the so-called New York City Subway, under-
der, but how to approach him about three Rs: relief for the poor, recov- ground metropolitan rail service
it? How to approach him about it ery for the economy, unconstitu- opened in 1904 in an effort to pre-
indeed. tional, and reform of the financial vent New Yorks hideous commut-
Nelson, Craig T. (b. Apr. 4, 1944), system to prevent another Depres- ers from frightening away tourists
founder of the classified advertise- sion. Un-American. Its success in and other individuals vital to the

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N Ne w Yo rk Ti m e s t o Noa h

citys economy. The rapid transit York Citybased financial institu- he wanted. Appearing in such film
system, comprising more than 840 tion. With diverse holdings in such classics as Cool Hand Luke, Butch
miles of track and 468 stations, is lucrative areas as entertainment, Cassidy And The Sundance Kid, and
housed in tunnels beneath thick merchandising, and food and alco- The Hustler, Newman was known
layers of concrete and steel to shield hol concessions, and a reputation for his easy charm and smoldering
investors, diplomats, and affluent for making ruthless, often hostile good looksattributes that his de-
Upper East Side residents from the high-end trade deals, the New York composed corpse could still use to
gruesome sight of filthy outer- Yankees corporation grosses hun- enter a bar and effortlessly seduce
borough creatures. Though the dreds of millions of dollars a year. any woman of his choosing with a
ambitious project required digging While high-ranking New York Yan- look from his worm-ringed baby-
beneath a massive existing infra- kees employees are among the most blue eyes. Newman won an Acad-
structure, it was deemed necessary lavishly compensated in their field, emy Award in 1986 for his portrayal
if the citys population of repugnant they are often publicly criticized for of Fast Eddie Felson in the Martin
commuting savages were to remain incompetence, underperformance, Scorsesedirected The Color Of
unseen. The New York City subway and substance abuse, and recently Money, and there are still more
delivers almost 1.6 billion rides the conglomerate has struggled to women who would prefer to ride
NEW YORK TIMES each year, a massive flow of traffic deliver on the annual promises of his oozing, rotten cadaver all night
For more than 150 years, the New that has greatly increased invest- success it makes to its ignorant and long than there are willing to sleep
York Times has provided seniors
with all the news that fits their
ment and tourism in the city as the violence-prone consumer base. with any one man alive today.
lifestyle. disgusting native inhabitants travel Newman, Paul (b. Jan. 26, 1925 Nicholson, Jack (b. Apr. 22, 1937),
discreetly underground and visitors d. Sept. 26, 2008), award-winning American film actor who achieved
no longer have to worry about American actor who, despite being success by speaking in a manner
viewing them and throwing up all dead, could still bang any woman that does not in any way resemble
over the place.
New York Times, daily newsletter GAVE HOPE TO DINKS EVERYWHERE
of the American Association of Re- Richard M. Nixon
tired Persons (AARP). Founded in (b. Jan. 9, 1913 d. Apr. 22, 1994), 37th
1851, the New York Times news- president of the United States, who served as
letter is an indispensable source of an inspiration for unlikable pricks everywhere,
information for AARP members, proving that they, too, could be president.
with articles tailored specifically for Known for his caustic personality and
anti-Semitic rhetoric, Nixon first provided
persons 55 and older, as well as
hope for awkward, power-hungry cocksuckers when he became a
news and views from columnists member of the House of Representatives in 1947, and again in 1950
such as Frank Rich, Thomas Fried- when he was elected senator. Though his loss to John F. Kennedy in
man, and Maureen Dowd, who pro- the 1960 presidential election made it seem as if a lying shitheel
vide an elder perspective on issues might never become leader of the free world, Nixon went on to defeat
of the day. The New York Times also Hubert Humphrey in 1968 in a defining moment that showed that
anything was truly possible for a brusque and disagreeable human
helps seniors explore their world
being. Though the Watergate scandal caused Nixon to resign in 1974,
with a travel section for retirees he was granted a full pardon by President Gerald Ford, demonstrat-
with ample disposable income and ing to the nations massive fuckwads that no matter how horrible a
a food section that highlights inter- person is, he can still obstruct justice, break countless laws, openly
esting, but safe, dining excursions deceive an entire country, and get off scot-free if hes a persistent-
PAUL NEWMAN in Manhattan. Despite the news- enough asshole.
There isnt a woman alive who BIGGEST REGRET MAIN FAILURE
letters many senior-oriented offer-
wouldnt kiss Newmans lipless, Never had fun once in entire life Should have stolen files from the
maggot-riddled face if given the ings, most AARP members say they Watergate Hotel himself when he did a
chance. WORST MOMENT IN OFFICE dry run of the break-in a month earlier
subscribe strictly for the New York Put finger in Checkers butthole
OF NOTE
Times crossword puzzle, which DIET It should just be restated that Richard
helps keep their minds sharp. Subsisted primarily on small rodents, Nixon was a deplorable human being
birds, and lizards
New York Yankees, powerful New
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E N

the speech of a human being one tion and were never going to make on the former while he was mastur-
might encounter in real life. (See it to the restaurant before it closes. bating to the periodical in the base-
Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, Nike, athletic apparel and footwear ment of the couples home.
Marlon Brando, John Wayne, company that has faced criticism 1983, George Orwell novel set one
Clint Eastwood, Humphrey for its use of child labor, but that si- year before the launch of a dysto-
Bogart, James Cagney, Al Paci- lenced its stunned and terrified de- pian totalitarian society that centers
no, Nicolas Cage, Henry Fon- tractors in 2006 by releasing the around the installation, testing,
da, Tom Cruise) Nike Dermas, a shoe made from the tweaking, and gradual roll-out of a
Nietzsche, Friedrich (b. Oct. 15, skin of Malaysian children. In re- national surveillance system. The
1844 d. Aug. 25, 1900), 19th- sponse to activists, the company story, which takes place in the fic- Noah
Excerpt of the narrative of
century German philosopher and sent complimentary pairs of the tional superstate of Oceania, fol-
Noahs Ark, from the Book of
philologist whose work, when dis- sneakers, created from the tanned lows a team of workers as they set Genesis (7:716):
cussed, signifies that it is time to leather of adolescent slave laborers, up two-way monitors, run cables
And Noah went in, and his
leave a social gathering. Nietzsches to every single critic as a message to through the walls of various build- family with him, into the ark,
influence extends across several never fucking challenge them again. ings, and perform a series of because of the waters of the
schools of thought, including exis- Nevertheless, the Nike Dermas microphone checks in all public flood.
tentialism, nihilism, and postmod- went on to become the companys and private spaces. As the novel Of tigers, of Bengal and
Indochinese and Siberian, of
ernism, and the mere utterance of bestselling sneaker and later in- nears its climax, a diagnostics test
orange and albino and of all
his name immediately prompts spired an entire line of athletic ap- reveals glitches in the eavesdrop- stripe, there went in two by two
people at parties to yawn and say, parel and accessories made from ping equipment that were supposed into the ark, the male and the
Wow, is it nine already? Nietzsche human skin, hair, muscle tissue, to have been fixed already, and this female.
has also had a significant impact on bones, and internal organs. threatens to push full implementa- And of the wicked animals, none
went in and were banished to the
such prominent thinkers as Sartre, Nile River, longest river in the world tion of the omnipresent police state
coming flood, save the tiger who
Wittgenstein, Heidegger, Camus, and one rich with silt deposits that back several months, setting up the went into the ark.
and that prick at the party who are used for numerous recreational iconic final scene of a technician And the rain was upon the earth
wont stop talking about eternal re- activities, including silt climbing, frantically trying to get the audio- forty days and forty nights.
currence and its parallels to Ameri- siltmobiling, silt volleyball, silt visual sync up and running by the And all flesh died that moved
can TV culture. polo, siltboarding, silt rafting, silt new year. upon the earth, both of fowl, and
Nightingale, medium-sized bird in watching, silt diving, silt jumping, Nipple, 1-to-3-inch-diameter piece of cattle, and of beast that was
not of the tiger, and every man.
the thrush family known for its silting, synchronized silting, and of flesh that can temporarily re-
And God remembered Noah,
beautiful mating song I Want To parasilting. ignite an actresss career.
and his family, and all the large
Know What Love Is. 1987 Issue Of Peoples Sexiest Noah, Old Testament patriarch cats that were with him, and the
Nightmare, emotionally distress- Man Alive Featuring Harry Hamlin, from the Book of Genesis who waters assuaged.
ing, often terrifying dream involv- magazine responsible for ending builds an ark to save his family and And Noah opened the window
ing a lot of difficult coordination of the marriage of Richard and Bonnie hundreds of his favorite animal, the of the ark.
multiple schedules. Accompanied Patterson, after the latter walked in tiger, from the Great Flood that de- And he sent forth a tiger, which
went forth to and fro, and came
by haunting, vivid sensations of stroys life on earth. Upon receiving
into him; and, lo, in her fangs was
having to get everyone in the same word from God of the coming del- an olive leaf, so Noah knew that
place at the same time despite a raft uge, Noah gathers up as many male the waters were abated.
of varying commitments, night- and female tigers as he can find so And God spake unto Noah,
mares often cause those who expe- that the world may be repopulated saying,
rience them to wake up in states of with the animals when the waters Go forth of the ark and bring
great anxiety over somehow not be- subside. The story of Noah and his forth with thee all that is tiger
flesh and be fruitful and multiply
ing able to give anyone accurate arc is often pointed to by adherents upon the earth.
enough directions. There can be of monotheistic faiths such as Juda-
negative physical effects that result ism, Christianity, and Islam to ex-
from nightmares, such as increased plain why humans and tigers live
heart rate, perspiration, or oh, no, together in harmony as the only
oh, God, I forgot to make a reserva- types of animals existing today.
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N Nobel Prize to Sandra Day OConnor

Nobel Prize, annual awards that

NUREMBERG TRIALS,
celebrate excellence in a variety of 19451946 military tribunals in which
fields, none of which is grout re- 24 high-ranking Nazis were acquitted
moval, lathe work, sheetrocking, after their airtight alibis proved they
Requirements sackett-board drywalling, rebar fas- were not in Germany during World War
For Becoming A tening, plaster-based interior finish- II. During the 11 months of the trial,
Notary Public judges heard thousands of hours of
ing, socket wiring, concrete mixing,
sworn testimony explaining how the
3-year postdoctoral firestop interfacing, insulation re-
notary program with a men could not possibly have aided in
minimum 3.85 GPA
sistance testing, studwork, straw the extermination of 6 million Jews,
bale construction, or wall paneling. since they were either out of town on Martin Bormann was
Letter of recommenda-
tion from a U.S. senator Noodle, vector put in place so that business at the time, were at the movies acquitted of charges of crimes
during SS death squad massacres, had against humanity after
Complete the Notary one isnt simply drinking Alfredo saying he was re-shingling his
never even heard of a guy named Adolf father-in-laws house during
Navigation and Evasion sauce.
Hitler, were on vacation from 1939 to the Holocaust.
Course North Pole, northernmost point on 1945 and rarely kept up with what was
5-day solo hike in the Earth, currently a disputed territory going on in Berlin, or were simply being confused with another
Yukon with just a pocket
between DVD region codes 1, 2, Grand Admiral of the German Navy named Karl Dnitz. Hermann
knife and 8 feet of rope
and 5. Gring, founder of the Gestapo, was exonerated after telling judges
20/16 vision or better he was out sick with a stomach thing for most of World War II and
without glasses (LASIK Northrop Grumman, defense con-
got someone else to cover his post as commander of the Luftwaffe.
permitted as of 2009) tractor that was forced to recall hun-
Document-stamping dreds of unmanned aerial drones in
force of at least 30 PSI 2007 after several units deployed in the complicated, six-month-long has 10 weeks to modify or sign off
Proficiency in three Afghanistan converted to Islam. process of authorizing a nuclear on the nuclear strike before sending
foreign languages, one of Nostradamus, Dale (b. Dec. 14, strike. When the codes are entered, it on to the entire board of directors,
which must be Latin
1503 d. July 2, 1566), reputed prog- launch orders are sent to the secre- who will consider it at their next
Complete 400-meter
swim with 15-pound
nosticator whose published collec- tary of defense, who has 20 business bimonthly meeting. Pending unani-
weight tied to foot tions of prophecies are famous days to either accept the orders as is mous board support, the launch
Witness the opening of worldwide. He is best known for his or propose any changes, each of order is then returned to the presi-
50 safe deposit boxes in 1555 book Les Propheties, which which the president has 10 addi- dent for confirmation and finally
under four minutes was inspired heavily by the ancient tional days to consider. A written relayed to arms manufacturers, who
Pass notary physical Greek oracle Janet Pythia. proposal is then presented to Con- may begin the process of construct-
Notary Public, Daves a notary gress to be deliberated upon for no ing thousands of nuclear weapons.
public. Weird, right? But apparently longer than three monthsfour Numbness, deadened, unfeeling
he is. months if a petition for extension is response of being deprived of phys-
Nuclear Launch Codes, code se- granted. Upon congressional ap- ical sensation that occurs shortly
quence initiated by the president of proval, the order is forwarded to the after killing a dentist.
the United States to set into motion home office in Des Moines, which

Inside A Nuclear Submarine Nuclear

Nuclear periscope Room designed
casino
B. Dalton Nexus teen for burning alive
End of the bookstore dance club underwater in
submarine case of an
inescapable fire

Little bucket in case submarine

starts taking on water Escalator Walrus
habitat
Conference room B

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E O

O
BROKE BARRIERS FOR THE leader of the free world, racists fully BIRTHPLACE: At the time of
NATIONS RACISTS this books printing, there is a
embraced the bold new era by
Barack Obama asserting that Obama was actually great deal of debate as to
(b. Aug. 4, 1961), born in Kenya and thus could not whether or not Obama was
44th president of hold the highest office in the land born
the United States, because he wasnt a U.S. citizen DAUGHTERS: Sasha and
who, for the first baseless smears that even the most Malia, or maybe its the other
time in American vile xenophobe wouldnt have way around Oo . .
history, gave racists dreamed of leveling against a sitting MAIN ACHIEVEMENTS: Fifteenth letter of the English
the opportunity to American president just two years Health care, sort of; financial alphabet, which is shaped like
despise the most powerful man on earlier. In the wake of Obamas reform, sort of; gay rights, a perfect circle and which
the planet. By becoming the first decisive victory, many jubilant sort of must be written with the help
African American to occupy the racists who had lived through the VICE PRESIDENT: Knows of a compass to ensure all
Oval Office, Obama achieved a turbulent civil rights era of the the cup size of every female points of the vowel are
significant milestone for the nations 1960s remarked that having the White House staffer precisely equidistant from its
bigots, who were previously only chance to discount a presidents center. Most English speakers
OF NOTE: Was sarcastically and writers carry on their
able to spew hatred against promi- stunning list of political accomplish- given the Nobel Peace Prize person at all times a special
nent black athletes, entertainers, ments based solely on the color of for escalating the war in pocket-sized O-kit containing
social activists, and secretaries of his skin was something they thought Afghanistan and increasing at least one compass, an
state. Finally empowered to feel they would never live long enough the number of Predator drone eraser to correct any
superior to and disgusted by the to experience. strikes imperfections on the curve of
the O, scratch paper on which
to practice constructing Os
Oakley, Annie (b. Aug. 13, 1860 Oberon, Dr. Charles Alexander, OConnor, Sandra Day (b. Mar. 26,
before writing, and a series of
d. Nov. 3, 1926), 19th-century famed experimental physicist, co- 1930), first woman appointed to small cups that can be traced
American rifle expert and exhibi- founder of the Quint Group, and the U.S. Supreme Court, a mile- around to create Os of various
sizes. All of these tools are
tionist whose hallmark trick was former colleague of Dutch scientist stone whose significance was short-
necessary, as Os not rendered
shooting through the hearts of a Anders van Braak, lived, as it occurred just a few years with perfect precision are
playing card, then shooting through as well as his before the onset of the hermaphro- entirely unpronounceable and
the holes in the hearts, and, before grandson, Anders ditic virus pandemic that caused make any piece of text
containing them illegible.
it could hit the ground, shooting van Braak III. The both genders to merge into one.
brilliant but vola- OConnor was named to the court
tile Oberon was by President Ronald Reagan in
instrumental in helping develop 1981, five years before the first-
sonic-neural technology but known case of Influenza 47XXY
abruptly ended his partnership was discovered in a male factory
with van Braak III before the com- worker in Qingdao, China, who was
pletion of the project, citing irrevo- suffering from a high fever, muscle
cable differences in our vision for cramps, and the sudden eruption of
the future of science and mankind. female reproductive organs. In
Oberon is rumored to be finalizing 1989, when OConnor joined the
work on a competing technology majority in upholding a Missouri
involving Seychelles blood orchid law that blocked public facilities or
The O-kit.
gene therapy, although his current employees from providing abortion
the card into 12 pieces, turning whereabouts are unknown. services, the 47XXY virus was
around to fire the gun backwards to Occidental College, fully occred- spreading so rapidly that 20 percent
blow each piece into pulp, rapidly ited university in Los Angeles, Cali- of the world population was in-
shooting apart the resulting poly- fornia, with an occeptance rate of fected. By 1993, not only was
saccharide (C6H10O5) molecules, 42 percent. OConnor serving with a second
and finally shooting a bullet straight Occupation, social invention that female justice, Ruth Bader Gins-
through the individual atoms of the converts large portions of ones life burg, but Justices Antonin Scalia,
card, all while standing 90 feet away. into cash one can use. Anthony Kennedy, and William
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O Og re t o Yok o O n o

Future Layers Of The Ocean

High Tide
Open Sea
Low Tide
Sea Level
0

Photosynthesis
Urban
50

100
Euphotic
200
Continental Shelf
Human Corpse Pile 500

Twilight
1.000
Coastal Bathyal
1.500

2.000

3.000

Darkness
Abyssal
Office, place where most 4.000
Americans go to pack their
personal belongings into a 5.000
cardboard box.
Ocean Floor 10.000

OCEAN, continually rising body of salt water that in 250 years will be a vast ecosystem consisting of
fish, algae, abandoned buildings, and 10 billion dead bodies. The massive expanse of water currently
covers 71 percent of the earth, but will soon expand to encompass Detroit, the Sahara Desert, Berlin,
the U.S. highway system, Africa, and the Himalayas. Scientists have determined that marine life-forms
will thrive in the underwater environment, feasting on the remains of 8 million species of deceased
animals floating above empty cities, jungles, deserts, farms, and factories.

Rehnquist had also grown fully Though oil is a nonrenewable landscapes of the American South-
functional female genitalia. Within source of clashes, countries have west formed a significant portion of
six months it became impossible to largely avoided weaning themselves her work from 1929 to 1949the
distinguish OConnor from any of off the petrochemical, and have in- label of artist who channeled beef
the other justices, all of whom, like stead opted to use its finite supply curtains through the floral form re-
the rest of the world population, of discord, mistrust, and anxiety mained for much of her career.
were now fully androgynous. until the bitter end.
Ogre, fantasy creature, common in OKeeffe, Georgia (b. Nov. 15, 1887
online role-playing games, that is d. Mar. 6, 1986), American modern
inexplicably waving its sword artist best known for her large-
Oh Henry!, chocolate-coated around and gyrating alone under a format paintings of enlarged flower
candy bar containing peanuts,
tree at four in the morning. blossoms that, to many, bore an
caramel, and fudge that is easy to
frantically cram into ones mouth Oil, viscous liquid found beneath unmistakable similarity to the fe-
as ones mother attempts to the earths surface that is treated and male cooch. Presented close up as if
confiscate ones Halloween bag. processed for use as a source of con- seen through a magnifying glass,
flict in most industrialized coun- OKeeffes vag-like imagery, typi-
tries. After crude oil is refined, the fied by the highly cuntal Black Iris
separated hydrocarbon has the abil- III (1926), led to critics seeing her Despite attempts at dispelling these
ity to power deep animosity be- art as informed by the snatch rather claims that her flower paintings
tween nations, which in turn use than the interplay between sensual were overt depictions of the birth
the distilled petroleum to fuel esca- forces in nature and in humans. cannon, and parallels to the spam
lating tensions among one another Though not all of her paintings purse, the ax wound, the fun tunnel,
until they inevitably combust. were reminiscent of muffthe the rocket pocket, and the down-
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E O

town dining and entertainment dis- ing into dozens of blurry, screaming cheaters in each event are awarded
trict have continued to persist even shapes. They also boast tough, im- gold medals and return home as na-
after her death in 1986 at age 98. pact resistant steel that doesnt dent tional heroes to serve as role mod-
Oklahoma City Bombing, 1995 at- when one backs over a terrified ven- els for those who aspire to someday
tack by Timothy McVeigh that dor because one lacks the strength cheat on a world-class level.
claimed 168 lives, pretty much necessary to shift the transmission Omelette, breakfast dish consisting
locking it down as the most de- all the way into park. of eggs, cheese, melted spatula, and
structive act of terrorism on Ameri- Olympic Games, prestigious inter- Teflon flakes.
can soil for a good six years there. national event held every two years Ono, Yoko (b. Feb. 18, 1933), artist
Old Pioneer Hotel, seen better days in which the worlds greatest ath- whose thought-provoking, undeni-
but who hasnt. Built with Havis- letes compete to determine which ably brilliant avant garde work in-
ford money, two or three Havis- nation is the best at cheating. timidated The Beatles so much that YOKO ONO
Paul McCartney considered Hey
fords back. On McCarrigans old Regarded as they had to break up. Beatles song- Jude and Yesterday massive
beat. And right on the corner the grandest writer John Lennon first met Ono failures when compared to Onos
film No. 4, which consists of a
of Mitsepulveda Boulevard and stage for in 1966, after which he and his series of close-ups of bare
LaRue Street. This aint the address those who have reached the pinna- bandmates spent the next three buttocks.
you were looking for, though it sure cle of figuring out how to fudge years trying to create something
feels like it is. Sorry, pal. Youre on drug tests, secretly modify equip- musically that could rival the artis-
your own from here. I aint looking ment, doctor birth certificates, and tic genius of an all-white room with
to get involved in any trouble, and if participate in outright sabotage, the an all-white ladder leading to a mag-
I wanted to lose a pint of blood, Id Olympics are alternately held in the nifying glass that allows one to read
call the Red Cross, got me? Say, summer and winter as a celebration the word yes, as Ono had. In 1967,
aint that Vera Havisford herself of the human will to break the rules the utter failure of The Beatles Sgt.
right over there? Watch out for without being caught. The top Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band to
that broaddisposition aint as
sweet as those long, lovely gams.
Best of luck, shamus. (See Vera
Havisford)
Oldsmobile, American automobile
brand popular among consumers
looking to become confused and
disoriented and drive at high speeds
into an outdoor farmers market
packed with happy shoppers.
Equipped with responsive power Opal, Carolines birthstone.
steering that allows even the weak-
est, most enfeebled arms to easily
swerve the 2-ton car wildly from It is not known whether the Orbs sudden appearance is related to the recent
side-to-side while tossing bodies in global increase in sonic-neural activity.
its wake, the Oldsmobile also has a
powerful V-8 engine that provides THE ORB, mysterious glowing ball of energy that appeared over
the Indian Ocean in the early 21st century, and whose origin and
quick acceleration when one acci-
greater purpose remain unknown. All attempts by the research team
dentally stomps on the gas pedal of Dutch physicist Anders van Braak III to study the Orb have
thinking it is the brake. Oldsmobile failed, as its incandescent outer shell is impervious to drilling
sedans have long been the car of implements, and any electrical equipment to come within two miles
choice for those who find its of the blinding white sphere is immediately rendered useless. The
smooth suspension ideal for jump- most recent studies from the Van Braak Laboratories in Rotterdam
suggest the Orb is currently moving at a rate of 1.35 meters an hour
ing a curb, careening through a
in the direction of the Seychelles.
clearly marked barricade, and plow-
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O Operation Neptune to Rosa Parks

measure up to Onos Cut Piece, in tional field is breached, a very pow- chance of the play restarting that
which the artist walked on stage erful event horizon forms wherein night is now almost certainly out of
and allowed people to cut her the pie is swallowed whole into an the question.
clothes off with scissors and shear- inescapable void of darkness. Oval, homely rounded shape that
ing knives, caused the demoralized Orgasm, physical and emotional merely serves as a reminder of
band members to question why sensation experienced upon reach- how perfect and beautiful an actual
they had ever wasted more than 400 ing the climax of an encyclopedia. circle is.
Oxford, oh, so sorry, your hours in the studio making the al- Orology, field of research dealing Overturned Car, in the United
majesty! Dost thou wish to read bum. After bearing witness to Yoko with the classification, diagnosis, States, an indicator of a sporting or
about Oxford? Right this way,
your supreme excellency! Only Onos live musical performance in and treatment of mountains. athletic victory; everywhere else, an
an esteemed individual such as Toronto in 1969 in which she Our American Cousin, 1858 play indicator of civil or political unrest.
yourself would choose a word as screamed repeatedly over guitar by English playwright Tom Taylor Owens, Jesse (b. Sept. 12, 1913 d.
intellectually privileged as
feedback, the Beatles agreed they that lampoons British nobility and Mar. 31, 1980), African-American
Oxford to look up. Will his
lordship be requiring anything could no longer handle being artis- American boorishness and is con- track and field star who embar-
else? Anything at all? Perhaps a tically humiliated by the far supe- sidered an immensely enjoyable rassed Adolf Hitler at the 1936 Ber-
royal page turner, to spare your rior Ono, and mutually agreed to show if one can sit through an en- lin Olympic Games by winning
fingertips a brush against the
coarse, unworthy paper? Shall I
part ways. tire performance without seeing the four gold medals in what was meant
fetch a steamed towel for post- Operation Neptune, code name for president of the United States shot to be a Nazi showcase for Aryan
reading relaxation? A young, the Allied assault on Normandy in the back of the head. For years, ideals and prowess. Hitler later em-
buxom woman is already on her against overwhelming Nazi fortifi- audiences from Britain and the barrassed Owens at the ISTAF
way to polish all the degrees and
certificates that must grace your cations, the success of which is United States have been greatly di- world championships in 1937 by
wall, your rich wall painted in real credited to one thoughtful guy who verted by the farces delightful clash defeating him in the 100- and
gold, adorned with medals and of high and low society, which is es- 400-meter sprints and the 200-
diamonds and portraits of you
pecially amusing if one is fortunate meter hurdles.
and all the other fucking pricks
you spend time with. Go to hell. enough to attend a performance in Oxygen, gaseous, highly reactive el-
which a mortally wounded com- ement that is essential to sustain a
mander in chief does not slump human being through one of the
over onto the blood-splattered worst fucking days of her life. The
shoulder of the first lady, and her average human takes in between 1.8
horrified screams do not violently and 2.4 grams of oxygen per min-
disrupt the plays mirthful narrative ute, and more if that human really
got up early and laid down all those during the second scene of Act III. needs to retain her composure
metal spiky cross things for Allied Theatergoers unlucky enough to when her adrenaline spikes while
forces to lean against when they got see Our American Cousin on a night being dressed down in front of her
tired. when it is boss for something that was not in
Oral Sex, stimulation of male or fe- shockingly de- any way her fault. Oxygen is re-
male genitals using the mouth, lips, railed by the quired to convert simple sugars to
and tongue. Its great. presidents as- energy in the form of adenosine tri-
Orbit, elliptical path a body takes sassin falling phosphate (ATP), thereby enabling
around a piece of pie before eating on to the stage, a typical adult female to run to her
it. On average, the body completes yelling a phrase car in the parking lot before anyone
three full revolutions before the in Latin, and from her office can see her dissolve
gravitational pull of the pie be- running off in tears, and providing the combus-
Opera, fun little skit where comes too powerful to resist. While amidst a rising swell of horrified tion necessary to light the cigarette
people wear big outfits and make the number of trips made around screams should not even bother she is shakily bringing to her lips
up songs. the dessert can increase or decrease asking for their money back, as ev- even though she quit five years ago.
depending upon both the mass of eryone in the theater will now only
the orbiting body and the flavor of be concerned with the bullet lodged
the pie, once the desserts gravita- in the presidents brain, and any
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E P

Pacifism, belief that violence is un- older, his body deteriorated, and he feature a ceremonial grand marshal

P
justifiable under any circumstance stopped winning, which inspired who rides at the front of the proces-
because no such act could ever people to remember that success is sion and thus has the honor of
measure up to the disturbingly fleeting, life is short, and there is being the first to have his brains
graphic and vicious scenarios one only a brief window of time in splattered against a brick wall at the
can conjure in his or her own imagi- which to make a dent in this world conclusion of the festivities. The
nation. Pacifists maintain that all before society deems you useless. most famous gaffe in parade history
disputes should be settled through Pandoras Box, jar or box in Greek occurred in 1963, when President
peaceful means, as physical conflict mythology that contained all the John F. Kennedy was accidentally
Pp . .
Sixteenth letter of the basic
would be pointless because it is not evils in the world and that was shot before the parade was over.
modern English alphabet and, in
possible to reach up into someones opened by the first mortal woman, Paramore, John W. (b. Apr. 3, 1826 1943, the first letter to break
asshole, pull out their spine intact, Pandora, who allowed the evils to d. Mar. 29, 1900), Southern U.S. through the O barrier. With the
grab that persons throat, and watch leak from the vessel as she raised the railroad tycoon and financier who, alphabet originally consisting
exclusively of letters between A
the light extinguish from their terri- lid up and down to make the box without knowing that much about
and O, P s historic achievement
fied and confused eyes as they stare look like it was talking. him, was probably an overweight came with much support from
at their own dangling nervous Panmunjom, village on the border man who wore very nice suits and B, F, and J, and opened a door
for a wider variety of words and
system. A leading pacifist of the of North and South Korea, and site wiped away his sweat with a hand-
phrases many believed could
modern era is the Dalai Lama, who of a yearly tug of war whose losers kerchief. Paramore likely said things never have been formed. P s
espouses a policy of nonviolent become citizens of the other like My word, took pride in grow- continued alphabetic success in
civil disobedience in opposition to country. ing his own tomatoes, andthis is words such as pike and
phonogram has paved the way
the imperial rule of China, mainly Paper, wood-pulp-based material just a guesshad an easy Southern
for letters such as T, W, and Y.
because he would never realistically that becomes more obsolete with charm that he shrewdly used to his
be able to fulfill his personal desire each passing year due to the Inter- advantage during lucrative business
of chopping off a military officers net, e-readers, and digital Kleenex. deals with guys like, we dunno, An-
head with a hacksaw and fucking Parade, celebratory march along a drew Carnegie and Henry Clay
his eyes out in front of the Chinese predetermined route whose partici- Frick? It wouldnt be a shock to edi-
president. pants are systematically murdered tors of this encyclopedia if Para-
Pajamas, specialized sleep armor upon its completion. Parades can more owned slaves, but was good to
that protects an individual against be held to commemorate events or them. It also wouldnt be a shock if
most slumber hazards. mark holidays and generally incor- he owned slaves and was horrible to
Palmer, Arnold (b. Sept. 10, 1929), porate floats, marching bands, and them. At some point, historians
golfer who won seven majors, elec- gunning down every man, woman, most likely said that he had a larger-
trified crowds, brought golf into the and child involved, then bulldozing than-life personality, and that he
mainstream, and inspired millions their still-warm corpses into a hast- controlled the room upon entering Pail, female bucket.
to take up the sport. Then he got ily dug mass grave. Most parades it with the booming voice he prob-
ably had.
Park, Robert Ezra (b. Feb. 14, 1864
d. Feb. 7, 1944), American sociolo-
gist famous for weaseling his way
into encyclopedias. Goddamn it,
Park!
Parka, coat of choice for men try-
ing to look menacing and women
trying to look completely asexual.
Parks, Rosa (b. Feb. 4, 1913 d. Oct. Park, some grass, a baseball
24, 2005), civil rights activist who field, people sitting, people
standingyou know, a park.
courageously refused to give up her
seat at the front of a Montgomery,
Moments before parade participants are systematically gunned down. Alabama, bus to a tired, pregnant
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P Party to Personality

white woman. Referred to as the enough money to buy a car. ment that killed 2,402 Americans
Mother of the Civil Rights Move- Party, gathering of people for the was a sickening, but perfectly ad-
CITIES OF THE WORLD
ment, Parks sat silently and stared purpose of causing extreme anxiety missible, atrocity, as the Japanese
Paris straight ahead as the exhausted in everyone who attends. emperor had two weeks prior deliv-
Large, but decrepit, city in
woman, who was PayPal, completely secure form of ered an impassioned speech before
France that enjoyed a brief
cultural, economic, and in her third trimes- electronic money transfer that still all 531 members of the House and
intellectual flowering ter and suffering feels pretty damn dicey for some Senate, convincing them that the
between the years 1940 and from nausea and reason. utter destruction of the U.S. Pacific
1944. back pain, politely Pearl Harbor, location of a surprise fleet simply could not wait. In 1945,
asked Parks to strike by the Japanese military on a Hirohito reciprocated the gesture in
move and said she was worried that U.S. Naval base that, while con- a meeting with President Truman
standing during a bumpy bus ride temptible, was technically legal, during which the emperor gave his
could be unhealthy for the baby. since Emperor Hirohito went be- blessing for the Americans to drop
Parks, however, refused to budge, fore a joint session of the U.S. atomic bombs on Hiroshima and
and became a symbol of resistance Congress to receive unanimous ap- Nagasaki.
to racial segregation by telling the proval before commencing the at- Peloponnesian War, ancient Greek
woman it was her own fault for get- tack. Launched on the morning of war between Athens and the Pelo-
ting pregnant and not having Dec. 7, 1941, the aerial bombard- ponnesian league notable for its

THE PENTAGON, headquarters of the U.S. Department of Defense, where top-secret military
operations are planned and highly sensitive classified documents are stored, which is not nearly as well
protected as you might think.

Sign saying that E-Ring is

guarded by infrared security Mainframe computer log-in:
system even though it is not Pentagon Employee; password:
Glass in this section Pentagon Employee
not bulletproof
Lack of vantage points
here perfect for
ambushing military
Switch that dismantles entire
personnel Closet containing extra
U.S. missile defense system
(if Colonel Austin is on duty he military uniforms one could
wears switchs access key use to blend in
around neck)

Underground Water fountain and

corridor leading restrooms
right to Oval Office
$1 trillion in U.S.
currency here

Main Courtyard
Deputy defense
secretary often takes
lunch here unprotected
Air Force Wing
Everyone here
takes midday nap
at 12:30

Before being
Computer screen with shredded, top-secret
PEARL HARBOR nuclear launch codes;
Cafeteria documents are carted
currently reads: Totally impregnable down this hallway by
The Destroy Pearl Harbor Act, or
SBhcyB0aGUgS2VIHRvI low-ranking employee
H.R. 297, was first introduced in the E91ciBGaXwgRnV0XJlI Room 3D126: who wouldnt want to
United States House of Representa- Contains secret lose his life over them
j5SRUFEIFRSVMgUE9TVa
cache of M-16 rifles
tives by Japanese emperor Hirohito, DwvYT5kAgIPZBYIAxosg and plastic
easily passing in a 324 to 131 vote. explosives

IT specialist who sits

Potomac River Entrance: here, Thomas S.
Unguarded from 1:50 a.m. Dutton, can be easily
to 1:52 a.m. bribed

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E P

top-quality slaughtering. Fought world to see a haggard woman tion needed by unattractive people
from 431 bc to 404 bc and featur- harshly disciplining her young to survive in the world. Though it
ing some truly classic, grade-A child. Headquartered in Memphis, only exists among physically desir-
slaughteringthe kind of gory vio- Tennessee, Perkins offers all-day able humans in a vestigial form, if at
lence that encapsulates the true breakfast specials and fresh pastries, all, personality has been highly de-
definition of slaughterthe 27- and is the No. 1 most depressing lo- veloped among ugly individuals
year conflict set a standard for cation for a 42-year-old woman over thousands of years, allowing
slaughter that has never been sur- with pallid skin and tired eyes to many of them to become socialized,
passed. Historians have typically grab a crying 7-year-olds wrist and procreate, gain employment, make
divided the Peloponnesian War sharply say, Stop it. STOP it, while friends, and function in societies
into three categories of slaughter: the shabbily dressed childs voice that would otherwise shun or elimi-
the Primary Slaughter Period, wavers somewhere between a tear- nate them for their disagreeable fea-
which occurred at the wars outset ful whine and a full scream. Perkins tures. Anthropologists theorize that
Penguin, species of flightless
and featured charred flesh and the has locations in 34 U.S. states and big-boned early humans who had bird that gives it another go once
overwhelming smell of rotting five Canadian provinces, employs amusing idiosyncrasies were able to every 1,000 years or so.
corpses; the Secondary Slaughter more than 25,000 people world- attract mates and propagate these
Period, when the Spartans first in- wide, and is for some reason a much features, while their less interesting
vaded Attica and added rape to the more disturbing place than a park- zit-covered counterparts rapidly
slaughter mix; and then the ing lot or city bus to see a woman died out. Supporting this theory is a
Ultimate Slaughter Period, which reach the point where she hits her 14,000-year-old cave painting dis-
included full-blown, heads-ripped- child in the back of the head. covered in France that depicts a
from-bodies-and-displayed-on- Personality, evolutionary adapta- short, balding prehistoric man us-
rows-of-spears slaughter. During
the Peloponnesian War, there were
more than 6,000 instances of sol- FRED PHELPS (b. Nov. 13, 1929), foremost researcher and
archivist of homosexual behavior, who has dedicated his life to the
diers on horseback running down a
meticulous cataloging of every known act of same-sex intimacy ever
fleeing enemy and thrusting a spear performed by humans. With the help of colleagues at the Topeka,
through his back and out the front Kansasbased Westboro Baptist Church, Phelps has spent decades
of his chest as he screamed in painstakingly compiling a massive database of more than 50 billion
agony. homosexual incidents, including 11.3 billion meaningful glances,
6.1 billion deep kisses, and 4.9 billion simultaneous hand jobs.
Penn, William (b. Oct. 14, 1644
Phelps archive spans roughly 200,000 years, from the earliest fossil
d. July 30, 1718), American real es-
evidence of lesbian bipeds, to its most recent acquisition, the last
tate entrepreneur and philosopher page of a journal written by 13-year-old Tyler Hawkins, who
who just made it into this encyclo- despises himself for feeling the way he does.
pedia by a hair and who, if not for
his having founded Pennsylvania in Log Of Homosexual Activity For April 12, 1987
1681, probably wouldnt have stood
a chance at all. Penn was a vocal 4:42p.m., Flagstaff, AZ: Man holding hands with Pez, fruit-flavored sugar candy,
other man.
dispensed from the hinged neck
proponent of democracy and reli- 4:42p.m., Boston, MA: Man flirtatiously gazing
of a toy figurine, that was blamed
across room at other man (will monitor situation).
gious freedom, not unlike millions for a spate of incidents in the
4:42p.m., Spokane, WA: Man engaging in sexual
of other people throughout history intercourse with other man. 1960s in which children slashed
who simply lack his level of name 4:42p.m., Boston, MA (UPDATE): Man previously the throats of their friends
gazing at man from across room now walking towards looking for candy.
recognition. A last-second addition man (will continue to monitor situation).
4:42p.m., Bridgeport, CT: Woman hugging other
needed to fill out space, Penn barely woman tenderly.
edged out Yuan Shikai, Raymond 4:42p.m., San Francisco, CA: Man touching small of
other mans back.
Carver, and polynomials.
4:43p.m., Boston, MA (UPDATE): Man
Perkins Restaurant & Bakery, previously walking towards other man now whispering
in ear. Homosexual act now in progress.
North American eatery chain and
the most upsetting place in the
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P Peter The Great to Pablo Picasso

ing two bison heads as puppets to Pfizer, global corporation and larg- Pharmaceutical Industry, global
entertain a group of laughing pre- est manufacturer of emotions in the network of corporations dedicated
historic women. United States. Since the 1980s, the to improving quality of life for their
Peter The Great (b. June 9, 1672 New Yorkbased company has chief executives collections of rare
d. Feb. 8, 1725), born Pyotr Alex- dominated the emotion market, tropical fish. Pharmaceutical com-
eyevich Romanov, influential tsar producing such hugely popular panies are responsible for the devel-
who modernized the Russian feelings as hope, confidence, and opment, testing, manufacturing,
empire by reforming the military, happiness, which millions of people marketing, and distribution of
making childhood education com- use on a regular basis. It is estimated medicines, and share the overall
pulsory, and installing high-speed that up to 70 percent of all human goal of ensuring that the fish, which
Internet throughout the region. Af- interactions in the United States are must be kept atop a bronze podium
ter increasing Russias maritime mediated through one or more in a 150-gallon saltwater aquarium
presence by founding its first naval Pfizer-made emotions, and the at exactly 62 degrees, enjoy their
base in 1698, Peter oversaw the company manufactures 85 percent time on earth in the utmost of com-
construction of St. Petersburg, real- of Americans serenity and 90 per- fort and good health. Worth more
izing his dream of a reliable data cent of their strength to face anoth- than $800 billion annually, the in-
PETER THE GREAT
The Emperor and Autocrat of All network with increased download er day. Pfizer is quickly overtaking dustry regularly alters its patented
Russians was a military genius who speeds and top-notch, 24-hour tech the international market as well, formulas to prevent competitors
installed free Wi-Fi in the citadel of
St. Petersburg. support citywide. Though Peter now eclipsing competing brands of from producing less expensive
succeeded in expanding his empire elation and optimism developed by generic versions of drugs, an unac-
by 3 million square miles and over- the London-based GlaxoSmith- ceptable outcome that might de-
hauling its entire government struc- Kline. Despite Pfizers dominance, prive the fish of their daily diet of
ture, his dying wishthat the however, it has been widely organic food pellets and vitamin
country convert from SECAL to criticized for bundling its most supplements.
the PAL broadcasting systemhas sought-after emotions with inferior Phelps, Michael (b. June 30, 1985),
still not been realized. products such as weight gain, sexual champion American swimmer who
Pettiness, quality or state of being dysfunction, and uncontrollable at the 2008 Beijing Olympics won
Tom Petty. thoughts of suicide. gold medals in eight events, includ-

PHOTOGRAPHY, production of images using visible light reflected off cleavage and captured via a chemical or electronic process.
Early photographs were printed on glass plates and required the subject to remain still for up to 15 minutes, without any bouncing or
jiggling, so that the cleavage would not appear blurry. Later advancements led to the use of flexible film with a shorter exposure time, giving
rise to smaller, portable cameras that could take photos of the suggestive curve of the breast almost anywhere. Current technology allows
photographs to be stored as digital files, a format that enables cleavage to be instantly transmitted via smartphone, posted to a social
networking site, and then enlarged with image manipulation software.

Iconic Photographic Images

Marilyn Monroe, 1952 Migrant Mother, 1936 Muhammad Ali and Sonny Nautilus, 1927 Tina Radleys Facebook
Liston, 1964 Profile Picture, 2011

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that makes up the neurons respon-

PHOTOSYNTHESIS, process by which trees use sunlight, Quotes Of The
sible for personality, deductive and Great Philosophers
water, and carbon dioxide to create enough energy to pull humans
inductive reasoning, and speech. It
underground with their strong roots and suck them up into their You miss 100
trunks to harvest their nutrients. can also drip from the brains frontal percent of the
lobe directly out the nose. shots you never
Physics, science dealing with mat- take.
STEP 1 STEP 4 Sren Kierkegaard,
Chloroplasts absorb STEP 3 ter and energy that needs to cut the Eighteen Edifying Discourses
Tendrils tighten to snap
sunlight and carbon dioxide, Thorny spore is stuffed humans bones one by
producing glucose and in humans mouth to
muffle cries for help
one and fold the body crap and build a time machine al- Strangers are just
releasing oxygen into the into quarters
atmosphere ready. Physics, which is one of the friends you
oldest academic disciplines, has had havent met.
Thomas Hobbes,
plenty of time to figure out a way to Leviathan

visit the year 4515 and see if hu-

Today is a
mans are still around or have been giftthats why
taken over by a race of intelligent its called the
spiders, is broken into multiple present. :-)
Martin Heidegger,
branches including particle physics Being And Time
and astrophysics, neither of which Pobodys
has led to the construction of a nerfect!
Immanuel Kant,
time-traveling device so who gives a Critique Of Pure Reason
STEP 5 shit. Backward and forward time
STEP 2
The compacted human is pulled into the
Tendrils emerge from ground to bind tree trunk where reticulating spines are travel is not a lot to ask of a science
humans feet and hands; mild sedative is inserted into the body to withdraw blood,
injected into the neck to reduce resistance muscle, fat, bone marrow, and brain that disproved the notions of abso-
but maintain full consciousness
lute time and space with its concept
of special relativity more than 100
ing the Handstand in the Shallow metaphysics, all of which commu- years ago. Whether physics is stall-
End, the Finding the Penny With- nicate the central truth that, hey, it ing or is just plain lazy, the disci-
out Goggles, the Pushing Sister in is what it is, so just hang in there and pline, which was first practiced by
With Clothes On, and the 400- remember that whatever doesnt the ancient Greeks, needs to get its
meter Pantsing the Fat Kid. kill you only makes you stronger. ass in high gear, because if it cant
Philately, study of stamps and pri- While philosophy is broadly de- make the breakthroughs necessary
mary DSM-5 indicator of a person- fined depending on the era and cul- to create traversable wormholes,
ality disorder. ture in which it was conceived, well have to find a science that can.
Philosophy, academic and intellec- most philosophical schools of Picasso, Pablo (b. Oct. 25, 1881
tual discipline devoted to the criti- thought agree that you win some, d. Apr. 8, 1973), 20th-century artist
cal study of how life is like one big you lose some. who was so prolific the art world
roller coaster ride. Developed over Phish, 1990s-era jam rock band had to launch a massive effort to
hundreds of years in both Western lauded for performing concerts for cull or destroy a significant number
and Eastern cultures, philosophy developmentally disabled children. of his paintings,
examines fundamental issues of ex- Phlegm, thick mucoidal matter that sculptures, and
istence, reason, and human nature is the side effect of gradual brain sketches. The
in order to affirm the importance of erosion. This viscous, translucent result of a seven- Philtrum, small groove between
stopping to smell the roses once in a gel precipitates down the spine after decade career the upper lip and tip of the nose,
known colloquially as Gods
while, because life is short, so one being sloughed off from the brains characterized by fingerprint, which was so cute on
should follow ones heart and dance higher reasoning centers, accumu- extensive experimentation, Picas- Caroline and which you could
like nobodys watching. Philosophy lates in the lungs, and is eventually sos hundreds of thousands of works just stare at for hours.
can be separated into different expelled through the mouth. far exceeded the carrying capacity
branches of study, including episte- Phlegm is a product of the irrevers- of the worlds galleries, museums,
mology, political philosophy, just ible degradation of the physical and private collections, forcing cu-
taking it one day at a time, and mind, and is composed of material rators to liquidate enough of his
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P Piccolo to Pompeii

FIRST HETEROSEXUAL masterpieces to bring his oeuvre

PRESIDENT
down to a manageable 50,000 PLANT, any of a number of organisms that arose during the
Franklin Pierce Jurassic period as 80,000-foot-tall leaf-beasts but have since evolved
(b. Nov. 23, pieces. In order to prevent further
into roses, weeds, and ferns a fraction of their original size. While
1804 d. Oct. 8, surplus, it is now standard practice members of the kingdom Plantae are today fragile life-forms
1869), 14th among collectors to incinerate any dependent on sunlight for energy, 190 million years ago the mega
president of newly discovered Picasso works flora dominated the landscape. The fossil record suggests that
the United immediately. daffodils towered over Mount Everest, blades of grass reached
States and first beyond the earths atmosphere, and mammoth orchids dwarfed
Piccolo, small, high-pitched flute
openly heterosexual man to entire continentsa single petal detaching from a blossom could
hold the nations highest office. typically played in operas when a
crash into the ocean with sufficient force to cause a 1,500-foot tidal
Pierces election was consid- character takes his penis between wave. Paleobotanists believe the shadow cast from a colossal azalea
ered impossible in the his thumb and forefinger and gives bush shrouded half of the planet in darkness for 2,000 years,
pervasive climate of intolerance it a dainty little shake. causing many smaller species, including dinosaurs, to freeze to
toward straights, and signaled a Picketts Charge, infamous infan- death and become extinct.
surprising flexibility among
try assault of the American Civil
voters to embrace a candidate
sexually attracted to women. War, notable for the silly way Con-
But for much of the election of federate Major General George
1852, Pierce, who had Pickett led the charge, running with
previously served as both a his rear sticking up in the air and
Democratic representative and stretching both arms in front of his
a senator for New Hampshire,
body as if he were reaching to tickle
was forced to prove his
effeteness and overt femininity someone. Picketts dopey scoot up
by going petticoat shopping for Cemetery Ridge, during which he
the press, riding sidesaddle, also hopped every third step, kicked
and deep kissing men on every his feet together, and made this sort
campaign stop. When rumors of odd, high-pitched yelping noise,
surfaced late in the campaign
proved so distracting to his men
that he had frequented a
mixed-gender social club, that the Union Army decisively Bellis perennis, or the Giant Daisy, which loomed over the Jurassic
Pierce courageously an- won the battle. Years later, when landscape some 200 million years ago.
nounced that he was indeed asked why his charge failed, Pickett
inclined toward persons of the said that he didnt waddle enough. to the question: What other ani- 13-year-old, which was totally fine
opposite sex and still went on Pickup Truck, rugged vehicle used mals have unique penis names? You back in 1836, before they made that
to win 27 of 31 states. Although
for hauling large amounts of driver. are now permitted 10 minutes to stupid law meant to jam up inno-
electing Pierce to the Oval
Office signified social progress Pie, baked dish made of a pastry look this up online. cent people who
for American voters, Pierce dough casing that an overweight Plasma, Zeppo Marx of matter. didnt even know
himself is considered one of the person can never, ever eat in public Plot, two childhood friends go on a how old the girl was
nations least effective without feeling absolutely horrible road trip to their friend Codys fu- anyway. Its not like
presidents, a fact that has about him or herself. neral in New Mexico. she doesnt act 18.
prompted any heterosexual
Pigeon, one of Gods creatures that Plot Twist, one of them is a Russian She certainly looks it. Anyway,
candidate since to keep his or
her orientation a secret. its okay to mess with. spy. when you think about it, statutory
Pill, The, oral contraceptive devel- PLTGHA, statistic from professional rape is just a really dumb law. Poe
NICKNAME: Same as first oped in the mid-20th century that baseballs Moneyball era that wrote The Raven in 1845.
name, but pronounced Frawnk
gave women the reproductive measures a players likelihood to Poetry, literary form that would be
MAIN ACHIEVEMENT: choice to never have kids and in- leave a small-market team and ei- much more effective if poets simply
Daguerreotyped well
stead take in dozens of injured, de- ther choke or half-ass it for $30 mil- came out and clearly specified: (1)
FIRST LADY: Jane Means
Appleton Pierce, who couldnt crepit animals. lion a year in New York or Los how they were feeling, (2) the po-
keep a kid alive to save her fucking Pip, man doomed to walk the earth Angeles. tential sources of their emotional
life
without the guiding force of Gladys Poe, Edgar Allan (b. Jan. 19, 1809 state, and (3) any ameliorative ac-
CAUSE OF DEATH:
Succumbed to alcoholism or, as it Knight to lead him. d. Oct. 7, 1849), American poet, au- tions that should be taken, if neces-
was known in his time, nothing Pizzle, penis of a bull, which leads thor, and editor who married a sary. By following these three
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E P

wide variety of platforms, including NOBODY IN CHIEF

POL POT (b. May 19, 1925 Adjusted Dictator Rating print, television, radio, and the In- James K. Polk
d. Apr. 15 1998), a = { ASS - 6 { x3.5 (b. Nov. 2,
ATT
ternet, the harmless fun offered by
Socialist Cambo- 1795 d. June
dian revolutionary b = { POP
POL
- .6 { x0.5 (JUN)
politics is considered the best way
15, 1849),
whose forced labor to unwind after a long day of weath-
c = { STA
EXP {
+5 x3.5 (PSY) obscure 11th
and political ering a moribund economy in the president of
executions led to the ASS = assassinations grim state of hopelessness inherent the United
deaths of an estimated 2 million ATT = assassination attempts in a society shaped by the decisions States, who went his entire
people, earning him an impressive POL = political prisoners four years in office without
of politicians.
Adjusted Dictator Rating of 88.3. POP = population being recognized by anyone.
Though Pol Pot (n Saloth Sar) Pollack, Jackson (b. Jan. 28, 1912
JUN = junta Because the entire U.S.
had one of the top death rates of his STA = stadiums/statues
d. Aug. 11, 1956), American ab-
populace was unaware that
era, with one-fifth of the popula- EXP = expendable citizens stract expressionist painter who cre- Polk had won the election of
tion starved or murdered, his PSY = psychopathy ated his signature drip canvasses 1844, the president-elect
overall rating was hurt by the fact drew puzzled looks as he
that he was only active at the ADR= { mm(a) + mm(b) + mm(c)
{ x100
d arrived at his inauguration
international level for four years and was ultimately chased
and had a relatively low cult-of- away by the chief justice of
personality quotient. Still, Pol Pots Top-Rated Dictators
the Supreme Court when he
on-field killing percentage was the Of All Time
attempted to take the oath of
highest since Mao Tse-tung, and Adolf Hitler (99.8)
office. Polk persisted,
his torture-to-confession ratio Joseph Stalin (98.7)
however, despite being
though not officially included in Kim Jong-il (98.6)
constantly shooed out of the
the formula to calculate ADR until Caligula (97.2)
West Wing by his staff and
1991was nearly perfect. Despite Mao Tse-tung (94.4)
escorted off the premises at
the fact that he retired young and Steve Hannah (92.5)
least once a day by Secret
never broke the 90.0 barrier, many Vlad the Impaler (91.8)
Service agents. Although Polk
believe that with more discipline, Idi Amin (90.2)
by sketching each of the hundreds was arrested more than 137
Pol Pot could have been the most Pol Pot (88.3)
of splotches in pencil first before times and beaten by Cabinet
paranoid dictator of all time. Augusto Pinochet (87.7)
filling them in with paint. Working members on dozens of
occasions, he still managed to
from his converted-barn studio in
lower tariffs, appoint two
guidelines rather than obscuring we are now separated, so that has Springs, New York, Pollack would Supreme Court justices, sign
their point with abstract symbolism been a difficult thing for me, too. sit in front of an easel for days wear- a bill creating the Department
and airy metaphors, poets would Polio, disease that crippled and ing a head-mounted magnifier lens of the Interior, and admit
not only be able to communicate killed millions of children back in as he traced his excruciatingly de- Texas, Iowa, and Wisconsin to
their feelings more quickly and effi- the good old days. tailed designs with the assistance of the union, all of which he
accomplished by sneaking
ciently, they might also manage to Politics, enjoyable spectacle people a ruler, protractor, T-square, and
through an open window in
feel a little better in the process; in- everywhere watch to distract them- calipers, and then painstakingly the Oval Office late at night to
deed, the fact that poets avoid con- selves from the real-world misery colored in each shape. Pollacks complete his work. A majestic
fronting their feelings directly inflicted by politicians. The com- technique is sometimes seen as a oil painting of Polk, still
might be the source of the problem. pelling sideshow, which citizens reaction against earlier artists such hanging on a wall near the
For example, Sylvia Plaths poem tune in to on a regular basis to keep as Piet Mondrian, who simply entrance of the White House,
has a sign beneath it that
Daddy would have been much up with politicians latest ridiculous poured perfect rectangles onto the
reads: Do not let this man in
more productive for her and her comments and actions, helps peo- canvas straight from a paint can. the building.
readers if she had stripped away all ple pass their workweek and take Pollution, release of dangerous con-
the imagery involving shoes and the their minds off of the destructive taminants into the environment NICKNAME: Old James K.
Holocaust and simply written: policiesfrom failing public health that can wait until later to be recti- Polk
Hello, my father died when I was 8 programs, to unfair corporate tax fied, unlike steroid abuse in sports, SECRETARY OF STATE: James
Buchanan; meetings between the
and that has caused me a lot of psy- breaks, to egregious mismanage- bullying, Internet piracy, and $2 two were known as James parties
chological problems throughout ment of government funds bank fees. OF NOTE: Like everyone during
my life. Also my husband, Ted implemented by politicians each Pompeii, preserved ancient city that time, probably coughed up
Hughes, recently had an affair and and every day. Available across a near modern-day Naples that has blood every once in a while
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P Pool to Elvis Presley

given historians a unique perspec- Though the pope is considered tive Eric Cantor, who open-hand
tive on what it was like to die infallible within the church and is slapped his favorite male escort,
screaming in agony under a suffo- regarded as the successor of Saint Coco Junior, after the congressman
cating pile of flaming cinder and ash Peter the Apostle, hell be the first saw Coco Junior in the fuck-swing
during the Roman Empire. By ex- to admit that most days hes just as room orally servicing California
amining the streets and homes of scared and confused as anyone, and representative Nancy Pelosi, one of
this sediment-encased city in Italys the only thing he can really do is put Cantors chief political rivals.
Campania region, archaeologists his head down and keep chugging Porsche, German sports car that
have been able to piece together an along even though God knows offers a sleek, stylish way to smash
accurate, highly detailed picture of there are times he just feels like call- into a telephone pole at 140 miles
exactly what life was like for a Ro- ing it quits. The pope at the time of per hour.
man tradesman violently gasping this printing, Benedict XVI, has up- Port, thick fortified wine created in
for air and flailing wildly in the mid- dated some church doctrines to re- Portugal in the 17th century to per-
dle of the street as pumice filled his flect modern issues, but maintains fectly compliment prescription
POPE
lungs and everyone he knew and many papal traditions such as keep- painkillers. The meticulous Portu-
You know, hanging in there. ing it together and just getting guese vintners devised special
through Easter Mass without hav- methods of maturing wine in
ing some sort of embarrassing melt- wooden barrels to ensure the result-
down in front of the worlds entire ing port would have the round,
Catholic population. oaky flavors and high alcohol con-
Porcupine, short-legged, mostly tent necessary to bring out the
herbivorous rodent with sharp, de- heady narcotic effects of two
fensive quills on its back. So go for Percocets and an OxyContin. High-
the face. quality port from the Cima Corgo
Pork Barrel, The, exclusive Wash-
ington, D.C., sex club that caters to
politicians. Opened in 1921, the
loved was burned alive around him. Pork Barrel quickly became popular
The insights gleaned from the exca- with congressmen who would pa-
vation of Pompeii have produced a tronize the Beltway nightclub after
number of important academic a long day of legislating and engage
texts, including Tripping Over in group sex and bizarre fetishism
Ones Own Feet In ad 79 Pompeii with the nude male and female es-
While Attempting To Flee From A corts kept on hand for these ser-
Swiftly Approaching Cloud Of vices. The Pork Barrel was nearly
Deadly Sediment: A Critical Study closed in 1953 when the staff was region of Portugal has for centuries
and The Formation Of ad 79 accused of communist activities been considered the ideal wine to
Pompeii Society Into A Desperate, and brought before Congress by pair with a handful of Vicodin be-
Screaming Mass Pushing One An- Senator Joseph McCarthy, who had fore plowing ones Lexus through a
Potato, tuberous crop ther Out Of The Way In An Effort recently been asked by the clubs neighbors fence, exiting the still-
domesticated by farmers 7,000 To Reach Clean, Breathable owners to pay his outstanding tab running car, stumbling into ones
years ago, though there are still
Oxygen. for his infamous all-night scat or- own backyard, and passing out be-
packs of wild potatoes that roam
the earth at night, marking their Pool, water-filled structure humans gies. However, the staff was quickly neath the childrens swing set.
territory, craving the hunt. use for exercise, sex, eating, and cleared of all charges, as nearly ev- Poverty, state of destitution that
murder. ery member of Congress protested only affects the poorest 1.7 billion
Pope, spiritual and political leader uproariously. In recent years, the people on the planet and has almost
of the Roman Catholic Church and Pork Barrel has had to ban some zero effect on those with money,
a guy whos just trying to do his best politicians for improper behavior, thank God. While considered to be
to get by, the same as anybody else. most notably Virginia representa- one of the worlds greatest mount-
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dead bodies of Lewis and Clark

PREGNANCY, method for creating a thing that will die. awkwardly lurched about in a man-
Fertilization 4 Weeks 12 Weeks 22 Weeks 40 Weeks ner that initially concerned the
Male and Embryo just Pair of Appearance of Societys
female sex 1/25th of an sunglasses external genitalia problem now. other 33 members of the expedi-
cells combine inch long, develop that allows parents
to form a small enough will disappear to find out which tion, though these fears soon dissi-
zygote, which that both at the end of sex their baby
some consider mother and the second will be
pated when they witnessed the two
to be an actual father still trimester. reassigning with naturalists professionalism and
baby, might think hormones and
depending on they dodged reconstructive leadership. From 1804 to 1806, the
whether they the bullet. surgery 27
know what a years from now. prairie dogs piloted the decaying
baby is.
remains of Lewis and Clark in
search of a land route to the Pacific,
while simultaneously challenging
the British for control of the fur
Powder-Blue Plymouth, hes
trade, collecting data on flora and been back there a while, shamus.
ing problems, the fact that only one spite generous rebuilding efforts at fauna, and accurately mapping the A good tail. Eight cars back.
quarter of the global population the conclusion of hostilities, still re- American Northwest. The animals Doesnt follow every lane change,
doesnt worry about rushing
lives in desperate poverty means mains mostly in ruins. negotiated with dozens of indige- through lights. Oh, hes good, all
the remaining 75 percent who have Prairie Dog, small burrowing ro- nous tribes by using authoritative right. So just look like youre
things dont really have to worry dent native to the North American barks and chirps to establish diplo- going to motor on by, then douse
about it at all. Even more fortunate, grasslands and known for killing matic relations with native groups. the headlights, slow down on the
gears to keep the brakes from
the devastating health issues associ- explorers Lewis and Clark in Sep- Upon reaching the Pacific coast, flashing, and dive into the
ated with poverty remain contained tember 1804, Lewis and Clarks badly decom- parking garage under the Old
completely within the worlds poor- tunneling en posed bodies burst open and the Pioneer Hotel there, slick as can
be. Just as slick as you can be.
est communities and continue to masse into prairie dogs scattered in different
(See Old Pioneer Hotel)
exhibit virtually no ill effect on their corpses, directions. Though some historians
those who can afford medicine. and completing speculate that prairie dogs writhing
Powell, Colin (b. Apr. 5, 1937), for- the deceased inside Amelia Earharts corpse
mer secretary of state and retired mens expedi- caused the famed aviatrix to crash
four-star general who orchestrated tion across the over the Pacific Ocean, this is only a
the successful campaign to elimi- continental United States. Prairie fringe theory because it is has been
nate his credibility during a 2003 dogs, which live in large under- well documented that prairie dogs
address to the U.N. Security Coun- ground colonies, savagely attacked cannot fly planes.
cil. Although any assault on the Meriwether Lewis and William Prayer, religious practice intended
reputation of the popular and Clark when the explorers attempt- to create a deep personal and spiri-
widely revered war hero was con- ed to peer into one of the rodents tual relationship with God that
sidered a suicide mission at the entrance tunnels near the Missouri doesnt work because, you know,
time, Powell correctly theorized River in South Dakota. The small God doesnt exist.
that a multipronged attack involv- mammals quickly overpowered the Premature Birth, pregnancy in
ing erroneously analyzed satellite two men and used their sharp claws which a baby is born prior to 37
photographs, overreliance on a sin- and long incisors to rip open Lewis weeks gestation and gets all kinds
gle untrustworthy informant, and and Clarks throats. After they bur- of special treatment when, in the
false information from forged docu- rowed inside the corpses and gradu- end, it did a bad job, so why is it
ments could quickly overwhelm his ally maneuvered the bodies into an being rewarded with so much
integritys seemingly impregnable upright position, dozens of the 12- attention?
defenses. In just under 90 minutes to 16-inch ground squirrels spent Presley, Elvis (b. Jan. 8, 1935 d. Aug.
of punishing testimony, Powells the next two days learning to walk, 16, 1977), cultural icon and one of
credibility fell to an onslaught of se- mastering common human ges- the most popular performers of the
lective omissions, embellishments, tures, and familiarizing themselves 20th century, though its weird to
and outright fabrications, and de- with firearms. The rodent-filled imagine someone sitting down and
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P Preteen to Psychiatry

PRISON, the only affordable way to earn a college diploma. Guard Tower
Prison Yard Guards are
Library Area where prisoners will sometimes find injured traditionally allowed
Laundry Room Offers quiet place mice to either nurse back to health or ferment in to decorate the
Area where older dementia- to stab the shit their cell toilets and turn into mice wine inside of guard
suffering inmates serving life out of a guy towers however they
sentences can attend their like; most choose a
grandsons prison-guard theme
high school
graduation

Pool House
Place where
prisoners guests
crash until they can
Ugh, get back on their
another feet
prisoner
starting to
read the Conjugal
Bible Visit Room
Private area in
which inmates
Dining Hall Jail-Cell Door with a history of
Place where convicted felons gather and talk about Key idea here is not making bars so far apart domestic violence
how well their rehabilitation is going and how, in the that prisoners can escape, but also not making can be alone with
end, theyve come to understand that they really them so close together that it looks as if the their spouses
needed prison at this point in their lives prison is nervous about them breaking out unsupervised

listening to his music. Unlike other primary Kshatriya and Molly Ring- with Germany, the Ottoman Em-
cultural icons such as the Beatles wald as an adorable Shudra. pire, and the Kingdom of Bulgaria
and Bob Dylan, whom one can eas- Pride, emotion experienced while (together known as the Central
ily imagine being listened to and watching a child graduate summa powers) declared war on the rest of
enjoyed by someone right this sec- cum laude from a college at which Europe. The ensuing conflict,
ond, it is unaccountably difficult to he or she furiously cheated for four which left the continent in ruins
picture an individual in the 21st years. and 9 million people dead, raged on
century deliberately listening to an Princip, Gavrilo (b. July 25, 1894 for four years, until Princip finally
entire album, or going and getting d. Apr. 28, 1918), Slavic nationalist got up the nut to tell Ferdinand he
any of Presleys 40 top 10 hits, in- who sparked World War I after was sorry and that he had been way
cluding Hound Dog, Love Me kicking Archduke Franz Ferdinand out of line.
Tender, or Heartbreak Hotel, directly in the face Print Media, method of printing in-
loading them onto an iPod, and lis- on June 28, 1914. formation on paper with ink, a
tening to them. Isnt that odd? Seri- Ferdinand, the pre- practice that will enjoy a glorious
ously, though: Excluding weirdos sumptive heir to the resurgence following the massive
ELVIS PRESLEY who dress like Presley and listen to Austro-Hungarian backlash against technology that is
Elvis Presley is the King of Rock and him obsessively, or the occasions Empire, was talking with a few clearly, definitely coming. Though
Roll, but the average American
couldnt tell you the name of a single
when an Elvis song comes on the friends on a Sarajevo street corner print medias critics have con-
Elvis Presley album. Thats weird. local oldies station, its pretty tough when the 19-year-old Princip came demned it as outmoded and unsus-
to envision someone purposely out of nowhere and justboom tainable, surely the vast majority of
choosing to take pleasure in an Elvis busted Ferdinands lip wide open people will very soonprobably
Presley song. Why is that? for no apparent reason. Princip also within the next couple of months,
Preteen, child who does not yet flipped off Ferdinands wife before honestlybe gripped by an over-
possess the immaturity of a sprinting away. Ferdinand was like, whelming nostalgia for the feel and
teenager. What the fuck? because his whole smell of newsprint, a visceral expe-
Pretty In Pink, 1986 romantic com- mouth was bleeding and he was cer- rience one simply cannot get from
edy about the Indian caste system, tain that he was going to have a scar. some cold, soulless tablet device or
starring Andrew McCarthy as the In retaliation, Ferdinand, along e-reader. Print media dates back to
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E P

at least ad 220 and is so ingrained in and archaea, both of which are feating a tough-as-nails, seen-it-all
the human psyche that any minute more primitive than the eukaryote, veteran district attorney in an im-
now civilization will throw down its which is the 675th least-read ency- promptu drinking contest at a divey
electronic gadgetry en masse and clopedia entry and was also last Manhattan bar. While sometimes
head to newsstands worldwide so looked up by Rossum on Sept. 9, overworking to the point of burn-
that people might revel in the art- 1997. Excluding the number of out, a prosecutor must remember
istry of the printed word and in times prokaryote has been looked to follow her free-spirited friends
Prosthetic Limb, probably the
some small way become a part of its up in biology textbooks, the ency- advice to live a little and have hot, coolest thing to find at a rummage
storied history. Youll see. Its going clopedia entry experienced a brief steamy sex with a chiseled member sale. (See Taxidermied Bobcat,
to happen. It just has to. surge in popularity in the 1840s of the opposing counsel in the African Mask, Shag Lamp,
Kendo Stick Or Something,
Professional Wrestling, form of when scientist Robert Hooke was judges chambers right in the midst
Straitjacket, Pith Helmet,
popular entertainment that utilizes first included in reference volumes of a high-profile murder trial that 1960s Dentists Chair, Rolls
fictional people, backstories, and could make or break her career. Royce Hubcap, Life-Sized
events in order to hide its horrifying Prostitution, primary mode of hu- Cardboard Likeness Of Tom
Hanks)
real people, backstories, and events man commerce. Forms of prostitu-
from the paying audience. tion include but are not limited to
Prohibition, egregious infringe- law; middle management; senior
ment on individual rights that could management; all forms of deal bro-
never happen in America today, kerage; all forms of entertainment;
when the government can tap citi- for his work with microscopes. The the arts; academia; local, national,
zens phones, rifle through personal number plummeted, however, in and international trade; local, na-
property without cause, and strip the late 20th century, with informa- tional, and international politics;
search children at airports. tion about prokaryotes accessed advertising; et al.
Project Gemini, NASA program just 24 times in the 1970s and 11 Psychiatry, branch of medicine
consisting of manned and un- times in the 1980s. On the list of dealing with mental and emotional
manned space flights sent up in or- least-read entries, it is now above disorders of professional adults
bit between 1964 and 1966 to make entry No. 676, Sash Window earning between $86,000 and
sure the Earth was still there. A (type of window in which panes are $329,500 per year. First conceived
total of 12 Gemini-Titan multistage separated by narrow muntins), but by 19th-century German physician
rockets were used to confirm the remains 14 spots below Flange Johann Christian Reil, psychiatry
planets existence, and with one ex- (structural lip, rim, or rib used for aims to help cultured, well-educat-
ception, when astronaut Gus Gris- strengthening). ed individuals with disposable in-
som looked out the wrong window Prom, dance held at the end of the comes examine and cope with the
Prune, sweet, edible testicle of
and failed to see Earth, the missions junior or senior year where Heather various problems arising from a possum.
were successful. At a cost of $1.28 Lorenzo lights up a cigarette right in abundant comfort and opportunity.
billion, Project Gemini was phased front of Vice Principal Campbell, Common psychiatric ailments in-
out and its mission purpose has whos totally cool with it, which clude regret at not having the cour-
over time been automated by a se- blows everyones mind. age to leave the corporate world for
ries of satellites that continually Prosecutor, attractive, headstrong something more meaningful, a
monitor the Earth to make sure it thirtysomething female who plays loved ones narcissism, sexual ten-
does not suddenly disappear. by her own rules in the boys club sion with a graduate student, or
Prokaryote, organism lacking a cell that is criminal law, yet can still dis- simply free-floating emptiness that
nucleus that has not been looked up play a soft and relatable side when people in lower income brackets are
by anyone since Sewanee, Tennes- she, a single mother, tucks in her compelled to fill with work. Psychi-
see, resident Julian Rossum did so child at night. Consistently under- atry should not be confused with
on Sept. 9, 1997. The 674th least- estimated by her male colleagues, a psychology, a much broader disci-
read encyclopedia entry in history, prosecutor will occasionally be pline that addresses the mental and
prokaryotes can be divided into forced to beat the big dogs at their emotional disorders of those who
two types of living systems: bacteria own game, usually by soundly de- must be charged on a sliding scale.
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P

TYPICAL PSYCHOLOGY EXPERIMENT

Psychology The following demonstrates the standard cognitive modeling and research methodology in use today.
Scientific study of the human
mind and its functions as
conducted through several
different subfields including
clinical, biological, cognitive,
experimental, and develop-
mental, all of which focus
primarily on determining
why, for a split second, you
vividly imagined giving a
blow job to a man you just
met. While philosophical 1. A researcher and a subject enter a room 2. Subject is stripped completely naked and 3. Researcher gets a call and leaves
interest in the mind and its that is bare except for a table, two chairs, shorn, and has sensors placed on head, subject alone for two hours, during which
and a roll of fiberglass insulation. chest, thighs, soles of feet, and inside of time janitors come into the room on five
relationship to understand- rectum. different occasions.
ing why one would ever have
the sudden urge to shove an
unwitting child in front of a
galloping horse date back as
far as the ancient civilizations
of Egypt and Greece,
psychology as a formal field
of experimental study began
in 1879 when German
doctor Wilhelm Wundt set
up a laboratory dedicated
solely to studying the 4. During one of these visits, a janitor 5. With the temperature rapidly falling, 6. Concealed strobe lights are activated,
disables the thermostat. researchers observe whether the nude and grad students in fox masks burst in and
implications of briefly subject chooses to freeze or wrap his or beat the subject with car antennas and
daydreaming about squeez- herself in the incredibly itchy fiberglass knotted lengths of rope.
insulation for warmth.
ing your teenage nieces
breasts while shes telling you
about her piano lessons
before being snapped back to
reality by horror and disgust.
By using improved research
models and applying
cutting-edge neuroscience
discoveries and techniques
such as functional magnetic
resonance imaging, which
can track cortical blood flow
7. Researcher returns, announces that 8. Over an intercom, researcher reveals 9. Subject is given $50.
as related to neural activity subjects parents have died. that this is a lie, and then comes into the
when a subject suddenly and room on concealed stilts and gives subject
replicas of his or her clothing that are four
for no reason visualizes times bigger in size.
violently choking to death a
cat he is pettingcontempo-
rary research psychologists IMPORTANT EXPERIMENTS
continue to further man- Pavlovs Dog Tryons Rat Experiment
kinds knowledge of why the Methodology Ivan Pavlov gave a dog food immediately after Methodology Two strains of rats were bred, a bright
sounding a metronome. The animal was subsequently presented population and a dull population. Some bright rats were
image of you holding down with the sound of the metronome to determine if it had learned to raised by dull mothers and vice-versa, and then made to
your elderly neighbor and associate the neutral stimulus of a metronome with food. run a maze in order to observe the effects of nature vs.
shitting on her face entered Conclusions Pavlov spent the rest of his life unable to hear the
nurture.
your mind. sound of a metronome without instantly imagining a dog drooling. Conclusions All rats taste the same when combined into a
big rat soup.

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ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS PSYCHOLOGY

TERMINOLOGY
Mnchausen Syndrome Schizophrenia Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
The faking of disease to garner sympathy and Degradation of thought processes manifesting Mental disorder characterized by repetitive, Industrial Psychology: Also
acquire mylar balloons, which are used as itself as hallucinations, paranoid delusions, and compulsive actions that can include known as occupational psychology
currency in the Mnchausen community. disorganized speech, which successive federal hand-washing, repeated checking, extreme
or workplace psychology, this
governments believe should be treated by hoarding, hole-digging, roof-climbing,
Pica wandering alone through public parks and walnut-juggling, hamper-rummaging, school of thought focuses on
Disorder characterized by an appetite for non-food subway stations. ottoman-lifting, vacuum cleaner disassembly, getting patients to understand the
substances such as soil, feces, cigarette butts, suggestive winking, lemon-sniffing, and order and exact number of
Totinos Pizza Rolls, clay, and soap. Dissociative Identity Disorder bell-clanging.
coworkers that should be killed
Patient has two or more very distinct identities,
during a workplace shooting.
Psychopathy one of which is always named Ricky for Bipolar Disorder
Marked by lack of empathy, remorse, shallow neurological reasons researchers have yet to Fairly positive mood disorder that allows lucky Mother: Overwhelmingly
emotions, egocentricity, and deceptiveness, and determine. sufferers to either feel like a million bucks or
the more you read about it, the more it seems to sleep 14 hours a day.
important figure who left one with
describe every single person you know and also a pathological need to establish
yourself. emotional distance with females,
as well as an inability to sufficiently
parent oneself.
FAMOUS FIGURES Phenomenological Psychology:
Abraham Maslow ego, the superego, penis envy, death and life drives, the Approach to psychology rooted in
Humanist psychologist whose Oedipal complex, anal and oral stages of childhood philosophy. There are currently
pyramid-shaped hierarchy of needs development, the dual drive of sexuality and aggression,
two psychologists making a living
purports to explain human motivation, dream interpretation, and the use of
at this today, both of whom are hell
from the mundane to the spiritual. cocaine to cure mental and physical
Beginning with physical essentials such problems have since been completely to talk to.
as food and ascending to more spiritual discredited. Gestalt: Teaches people to dwell
notions of fulfillment, the pyramid was
less on individual moments and
radically revised in 1972 when Maslows
Jean Piaget instead realize that the entirety of
heirs licensed its use to Wilson Sporting
Studied the development of little children their life is actually whats
Goods. It is now filled with tennis balls.
into horrible monsters. meaningless.
Little Albert Categorical Psychology: A kind
Erich Fromm
Baby whom psychologist John B. of psychology that sort of sounds
First psychologist to hand out
Watson taught to be scared of as if it could be a real thing, but
business cards listing his job title as
bunnies in 1920 by loudly clanging actually does not exist. Conse-
Famous Psychologist.
together metal pipes behind the
quentially it is not taught at any
child every time he saw a rabbit.
B.F. Skinner university or practiced by anyone.
Little Albert later grew up to murder
people with metal pipes. American Archetype: A universal, inherited,
behaviorist who,
primitive, and symbolic
in his spare time,
Henry Gustav Molaison representation of a particular
slowly trained his wife to unconsciously
Famed memory disorder patient known experience or object; the reason
climb on top of the refrigerator anytime
as H.M., whose preserved brain now why everybody loves a big ol juicy
she heard an egg-timer ding.
resides at the University of California, ass, if theyre being honest.
San Diego, where it received a tenured
position in 1996. Carl Jung Catharsis: Smashing an old TV
One of the
with a hammer; blowing up an old
four people in
Sigmund TV with a bunch of M-80s; tying
human history
Freud named Carl an old TV to the back of a car and
Hugely important Austrian who earned a dragging it down the road;
neurologist who single-handedly Ph.D. whipping rocks through the
pioneered the field of windows of an abandoned
psychoanalysis and whose building or at an old TV.
influential theories of the id, the
Amnesia: Memory failure that is
caused by a head bonk and that
can be instantly reversed with an
additional whomp to the noodle.
MOUSE IN A Short-Term Memory: Memory
LAB COAT process associated with
Dr. Ronquillo
Thus far, psychologists have preservation of recent experiences
not noticed a marked change and with retrieval of information
in the behavior of a mouse from memory processes associated
when it is dressed as a little with preservation of recent
scientist, but it does cause experiences.
scientists to identify more
closely with the mouse Id: Fuck, fuck, fuck, vagina, penis,
subjects. penis, fucking, two people fucking,
ass-fucking, smash, fuck.

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P Psychosis to Queen Of Peace City Charity Hospital

PUDDLE, small pool of Purpose, anything that gives some-

liquid that can be classified PUBERTY, stage of human development in which the genitalia ones life meaning, usually in the
into one of five major mature and fully functioning limbs finally sprout from the torso.
form of model trains and model
categories according to
train accessories. Purpose can be so
composition and/or location.
integral to ones identity that hand-
Types Of Puddles painting a postwar Northern Pacific
Mud Puddle
Microlacunae ruralis
center cab diesel switcher is often-
Volume 1 to 4 liters; occurs in times cited as a persons sole reason
earth or grass; clear to murky; to continue living. The concept of
may contain a mixture of purpose also describes a sense of
sediments and liquids, usually
but not necessarily water. resolve and determination, espe-
cially when these feelings are di-
Curb Puddle
Microlacunae urbanus rected toward completing a Z-scale
Volume 3 to 20 liters; occurs coffee-table-size night scene com-
where pavement undergoes mild plete with functional grainery and a
elevation change; contains
scratch-built hump yard.
dumpster runoff, detritus, light
flotsam and/or jetsam. Pythagoras (b. circa 570 bc d. circa
495 bc), ancient Greek mathemati-
Puddle From Upstairs Prepubescent male Pubescent male
Neighbors Sink cian who became a household
Microlacunae coenaculum name overnight
Volume 1.2 liters and growing. Psychosis, abnormal condition of bly intended by Joseph Pulitzer to
after discovering
the mind causing loss of contact recognize excellence in the written
Puddle Of Vomit his eponymous
Microlacunae vomitus with reality and resulting in halluci- word, the Pulitzer Prize nowadays
theorem, only to
Volume 1 to 2 liters; typically nations or delusional thoughts shut seems only to be given to the most
produced by humans and cats; squander it all on
up. Psychosis is generally assessed obvious, undeserving publications,
most common in doorways and a series of impru-
bus shelters but can be found on the basis of symptoms such as most of whom already won it a few
dent licensing ventures and wildly
anywhere. hostility, suspicion, its them, theyre years ago for their brilliant expos
irresponsible mathematical specu-
Puddle Of Soup out to get you, and grandiosity. on heroin-addicted soldiers serving
lations. In hopes of parlaying his
Microlacunae sopas Those suffering from psychosis in Iraq or some sanctimonious
notoriety into lucrative new busi-
Volume 16 ounces or so; is that may often exhibit erratic horseshit. If, God forbid, members
vomit?; wait, no, its soup; who ness opportunities, Pythagoras in-
behaviorSusanand if left un-
would just put soup on the vested heavily in reckless follow-up
ground?; weird; well, you live treated, she was the one who turned
proofs, including ones that claimed
long enough, you see everything, them all against you, could be prone
I guess; oh, gross, I think its
the diameter of a circle was equal to
to violent episodes. Treatment for
chowder; now I wont be able to its circumference, that complemen-
eat chowder without thinking of
the cognitive disorder includes
tary angles added up to 120 de-
this. antipsychotics, behavioral therapy,
grees, and, most devastatingly, that
psychiatric hospitalization, and of the Pulitzer Prize Board are ever
eight was a prime number. After his
grab the knife, grab the knife now and able to successfully remove their
well-publicized fall from grace, the
cut out the bitchs heart. The scream- noses from the deepest recesses of
bitter and penniless Pythagoras,
ing wont stop, make it stop, and re- the New York Times asshole, they
who was never able to admit to
search suggests this is the only way to might notice there are a number of
himself that there was simply never
make it quiet. She has to die. other perfectly good chroniclers of
going to be another Pythagorean
Pulitzer Prize, out-of-touch award the American condition working
theorem, died alone and forgotten
for so-called achievements in jour- right now who, by all rights, also de-
by his peers.
nalism and literature that is given serve a shot at winning their pre-
out by people known for overlook- cious little rinky-dink award.
ing certain worthy American publi- Punk Rock, style of music that, if it
cations in favor of the same old were really punk rock, wouldnt be
mainstream media outlets. Ostensi- in this lame-ass encyclopedia.

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Qi, well, lookie here, we got our-

Q
selves a Q word without a U. Aint QUADRILATERAL TRADE, colonial-era system by which
sexually transmitted diseases were transferred between Europe,
that something? To what do we owe North America, South America, and Africa.
this rare honor? Hmm? Whats
that? Too good for a U are we? 1. Sailors teeming
2. Syphilis infections arrive with syphilis
Come on, speak up. Aw, it says its in Boston, New York, and board vessels at
Jamestown and are various European
just a variant of chi, the Chinese exchanged for pubic lice ports and set sail
for America
concept of life force, and dont need
no U. Thats so sweet. Aint that the
sweetest thing you ever heard? Put
Qq .
Seventeenth letter of the
a stick in that and call it a lollipop.
English alphabet and one
Problem is, see, we happen to think rarely used due to its
you do need a U. Yes sir. In fact, we dependence on a subsequent
think youd better get real close to 3. Traveling south, letter U, though Q enjoyed a
gonorrhea and herpes 4. Genital warts and period of unexpected
one real quick, if you know whats are swapped at the chlamydia are traded
for syphilis in Africa, popularity in the 1970s thanks
regions genital wart
good for you. Heres a bit of friendly and chlamydia hubs which is then to its prominence in the
reintroduced to Europe
advice: Walk away from here right opening credits of the
television show Quincy.
now, find yourself a nice quiet little
U somewhere, and well forget we Quakers rely exclusively on paid as- in upon realizing one bought all
ever had this conversation. Hows sassins to permanently resolve fi- these different kinds of chips but
that sound? Oh, and if you see qa- nancial disputes, romantic rivalries, theres only a little bit of dip left.
nat, you let that sonofabitch know and petty jealousies with relatives. Quark, subatomic particle carrying
Quinn and Quentin said hello. In situations where a professional a fractional electric charge that has
Quack, sound a duck makes when killer is unavailable, Quakers have never been directly observed, so
pennies are whipped at it. been known to offer a homeless anyone can pretty much say what-
Quaker, member of the Religious drifter $10 to slit the throat of the ever they want to about it and no
Society of Friends, a Christian guy who just bumped into them one can prove that person wrong.
movement known for nonviolent crossing the street. Quarks taste like raspberries.
beliefs that necessitate hiring others Quality Home Furnishings And Quarter, coin in American currency
to commit cold-blooded murder on Designer Decor At An Affordable depicting George Washington on
ones behalf. The refusal to person- Price, something people in the one side, an eagle on the other, and
ally engage in acts of violence has greater Tri-Cities area have been the invisible imprint of a kiss from
been a fundamental tenet of the waiting years for. Well, get ready, the lips of the person serving as U.S.
Quaker faith since its founding in because the wait is over. treasurer at the time of its minting.
the 17th century, which is why Quandary, what one finds oneself Queen Of Peace City Charity
Hospital, my word, sir, while Colo-
QUARRY, excavation site for stone or slate where more than 1,400 nel Havisford has paid your bill
kids named Derek die each year while trying to impress their friends. hereindeed the trustees are only
too happy to indulge him and not
bother the authorities about strange
Quail, upper-middle-class
trench-coated men being brought pigeon.
in at all hours of the nighthe de-
clined the honor of waiting around
until your bandages came off. Yes,
Im afraid its been three days, and
deadly tedious days they were. Oh,
me? A mere footman, sir, a butler, a
valet, a man-of-all-work. Dont fret
over how to address me. Id really
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Q Quibble to Rasputin

rather you didnt. As for the Colo- ranting about a secret society of So lets just appreciate the fact that
nels repayment, well, yes, some crows that ruled the world, begging Quiz Show is a nice little movie, has
recompense will, of course, be the Whig candidate for scraps of a great cast, is not some sort of land-
expected. In lieu of simple cash, meat, and biting babies. Quincy, mark event in the art of film or any-
however, he would be most pleased thing, but is certainly a lot more
if you would go to this address in entertaining than many, many so-
the dock district of Grove City. (See called cinematic masterpieces. Quiz
Quartz, mineral that must have a
pretty good publicist because its Grove City Docks) Show features the actor Rob Mor-
much less abundant than feldspar Quibble, minor disagreement over row and is a treat to watch.
and you dont hear anybody whether to take a family member Quote, loose approximation of
talking about feldspar.
off life support. something a notable figure once
Quicken, type of box, often featur- said that is then attributed to some-
ing the number 1996 or 2001, typi- one else.
cally seen on a shelf above a fathers Quotidian, knock-your-socks-off,
desktop computer. mind-blowingly exciting way to say
Quiet, brief period of silence that boring.
occurs every 10,000 years. Quran, Islams central religious text,
Quilt, covering produced by sewing who had a platform based on elimi- which provides lessons on God,
two outer layers together and filling nating the American economy, ac- family, peace, and diet, most of
the middle with anything you dont cidentally received thousands of which can easily and understand-
want your husband to find because votes from baffled citizens who ably be misinterpreted as instruc-
he neednt know about that part of were actually trying to vote against tions to commit a horrible act of
your life just yet. him and his chosen running mate, a violence. Statements found in the
Quincy, John Adams (b. Nov. 23, diseased oak tree. Quran such as There is no com-
1764 d. Apr. 5, 1840), entirely un- Quip, joke made by people who at- pulsion in religion, Show forgive-
Quill, feather removed from
bird, dipped in ink, and stuck qualified 19th-century vagrant who tended an Ivy League college. ness, speak for justice, and avoid the
back in bird. ran in the 1824 presidential elec- Quiz Show, solid, well-made 1994 ignorant, and All fish of the sea are
tion and cost John Quincy Adams drama directed by Robert Redford made lawful for you to eat can
20 percent of the vote due to the that, admittedly, is perhaps not sig- quite naturally be confused for di-
fact that his name was John Adams nificant enough in the history of rect commandments to strap on an
Quincy. Reviled as a cantankerous world cinema to warrant an entry in explosive vest packed with ball
and foul-smelling tramp, Quincy a major encyclopedia, but is still a bearings and detonate it in a night-
was known for his tattered, urine- pretty good movie. The enjoyable club, or to stone a woman as pun-
stained suit and dirty wig, and film, which is based on a true story, ishment for being raped. The name
would frequently barge in on Ad- may not seem wholly necessary to Quran means recitation, an in-
ams campaign stops, drunkenly include in a comprehensive refer- tensely provocative word that has
ence volume of hu- unsurprisingly been used as the
man knowledge, true, impetus for numerous violent
but whether it de- incidents of beheading an innocent
serves to be in this foreign journalist so that his griev-
book or not is really a ing wife is forced to live as a widow
moot point because and his child grows up without a
Quince, fruit native to the here it is, so theres no father.
Middle East, and yet another sense arguing whether
goddamn thing that exists and it should or should
must be cataloged.
not have been includ-
ed since the decision
Let the record show that we are very happy to have
Quiz Show in our encyclopedia. Its a nice little flick was made, its done
and a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon. with, and thats that.
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Rabbit, small woodland member of

R
the Leporidae family and the only RACE, arbitrary classification of humans
based on biological or ethnic markers, a
mammal other than humans that is
system that is far less accurate than judging
aware of its own mortality, hence its groups of people by the stupid expressions on
constant agitated demeanor. their faces. Instead of forming prejudices
Rabbit, Jessica, sultry cartoon simply because a person is Asian, black,
Caucasian, or Latino, it would be far more
singer who tragically died in the
9/11 attacks on the World Trade accurate and efficient to label the same Rr . .
Highly sought-after consonant
individuals as slack-jawed, dopey, constipated,
Center. that was won by Egypt after an
prissy, or a schmuck with a shit-eating grin.
eight-year-long war with the
Radar, system used for detecting For instance, a numb-looking, fat-faced black Phoenicians that began in
the location, size, and distance of man and a numb-looking, fat-faced white 1012 BC and during which the
blips. man have a lot more in common with each two armies fought ruthlessly
Ragtime, musical genre character- other than they do with people who share for ownership of the priceless

ized by a syncopated or ragged their skin colorclear proof that race is a letter. More than 30,000
flawed construct. Changes in attitudes toward Phoenicians and 12,000
rhythm that fell out favor as soon as Egyptians perished for the
interracial marriage have made it increasingly
composer Scott Joplin played be- common for people to identify as multi- right to use R, with Phoenician
yond the first four notes of his very king Ahiram finally relinquish-
ethnic, even though it would make more
ing control of the letter
first highly annoying piano piece. sense for many of them to be grouped with
following a bloody, 90-day
Though the popular four-note intro those who have the same infuriating, Annoying faces siege on the city of Byblos.
initially roused listeners to get up scrunched-up turtle face that you just want to cross traditional The Egyptians maintained a
punch as hard as you can. racial boundaries. strong grip on the letter until
and dance to its lively staccato mel-
their kingdom finally fell to the
ody and African-infused poly- Republic of Romethen
rhythm, the fifth and subsequent spiritual reflection and worship, as moves while consuming every form
known as Bomein 31 BC in
thoroughly grating notes invariably opposed to the other months of the of narcotics until the sun comes up the Battle of Actium.

caused everyone to stop and return year, when Muslims engage in con- the following morning.
to their seats in disgust, quickly los- tinuous sexual acts of unimaginable Rand, Ayn (b. Feb. 2 1905 d. Mar. 6,

ing their taste for the entire genre depravity, eat incredibly rich foods 1982), Russian-American writer
with each infuriating tap of the to the point of physical illness, and whose objectively terrible novels
keys. The popularity of Joplins drink until they black out and vomit are avoided by serious readers out
original four notes themselves even all over themselves. The 30-day Ra- of rational self-interest.
began to fade around the turn of the madan fast ends each evening at Rasputin, Grigory Yefimovich (b.

20th century, diminishing first to an sunset, at which point Muslims re- Jan. 10, 1869), Russian mystic and
enjoyable three, then to a pleasing sume fornicating with anything that adviser who had an almost
two, and finally to a brief, yet still
somewhat bearable one, after which
fans of ragtime turned their atten- r
tion to the new and somewhat less
annoying jazz.
Rain, aesthetic phenomenon that
accentuates breakups and funerals. Radius, farthest distance a line
Ramadan, Islamic month of fasting can travel from the center of a
in which Muslims refrain from eat- circle before realizing there is no
escape.
ing, sex, drinking alcohol, and do-
ing drugs during daylight hours, in
stark contrast to the nonstop, out-
of-control decadence of the typical
Muslim lifestyle. Ramadan, the
ninth month of the Islamic calen-
President Bill Clinton meets with Tunisian president Ben Ali in May 1999 as
dar, is revered as a time of intense Grigory Rasputin looks on.
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R Raytheon to Relationship

RADIO, 20th-century device that Types Of Radio

receives electromagnetic waves and Transmissions
transmits sound, the early versions of Morning Drive-Time
which were the size of six football Irreverent quips, lewd
fields. Unlike modern radios, models commentary, and flatulent
sound effects that help
such as the Westinghouse AIMEC 8 keep the government in
required crane operators to position a check.
clamp over the 75-foot-wide tuning
knob to change the station. Similarly, Public Broadcasting
Thing made exclusively
RCAs Magnus LLV required 9,300 for white upper-middle-
kilowatts to power it for 45 minutes, class liberals who
and gave off so much heat that somehow didnt feel as if
broadcasts could only be safely they had anything that
listened to from distances of 200 was made exclusively for
them.
meters or more. The advent of
vacuum-tube technology in the early Rock Blocks
20th century made the 40-ton quartz Thirty minutes of
crystals used to receive signals uninterrupted classic rock
A family listening to one of the first from your home of classic
obsolete, and led to the production of commercially available radios. Turning rock. Heres some Billy
smaller, more consumer-friendly the dial generally required the combined Squier.
radios that were roughly the dimen- weight of everyone in the room.
sions of a single railroad car. With College Radio
Broadcasts from
modern transistor capacity increasing AM/FM radio that has both auto- 20-year-olds who
exponentially, engineers estimate that tuning and a digital scan feature and is apparently believe they
within 30 years Sony will be capable as small as a washing machine. discovered Throbbing
of manufacturing a fully functional Gristle.

hypnotic influence over Tsar Nich- time a leader addresses his nation. place where locals could stop by,
olas II, his wife, Vladimir Lenin, Raytheon, American military con- shoot the breeze, pick up their bun-
President Woodrow Wilson, Kaiser tractor and weapons manufacturer ker busters, kinetic Exoatmospheric
Rattlesnake, venomous snake Wilhelm, and every major world that started in 1974 as a little mom- Kill Vehicles, or AGM-154 Joint
that can produce a rattling sound leader of the past century. Rasputin, and-pop tank and ballistic missile Standoff Weapons, and enjoy one
from its tail but generally has to whose stringy beard and fiery glare store in Lexington, Massachusetts. of Phyllis homemade peanut butter
be begged numerous times
before it gives in and finally just have become familiar components Opened by Harold and Phyllis Ray- cookies while they browsed Har-
does it. of presidential photographs and theon, the family-run heavy artil- olds selection of advanced elec-
portraits, is reputed to have been lery and military defense shop was a tronics systems for tactical airborne
instrumental in orchestrating hun-
dreds of historic events, including
the Great Depression, World Wars I
and II, the installation of apartheid,
the Space Race, the Watergate
break-in, the War On Drugs, the
end of apartheid, the Good Friday
Agreement, Farm Aid, and the
Rwandan genocide. Though
Rasputins exact motives remain
unclear, he is still regarded as an
indispensable counselor and is
often seen circulating among heads
of state at G-20 economic confer- Harold and Phyllis Raytheon offer half off all AN/SQQ-32 mine-hunting sonar
ences, whispering off camera any devices during their annual Fourth of July cookout sale.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E R

A DISGRACE TO
REAGANS LEGACY against the communist Sandinista governmenthe
only managed it by illegally trading arms to Iran to fund
Ronald Reagan the Nicaraguan rebel Contras, who in turn trafficked
(b. Feb. 6, 1911 d. June 5 , 2004), 40th narcotics to the United States, effectively negating his
president of the United States, who Reaganesque antidrug policies. Most historians agree
over two terms in office tripled the that by balancing the federal budget and shrinking the
national debt, funded the group that would become the federal government by 373,000 workers, Bill
al-Qaeda while trying to expel the Russian military Clinton was the most Reaganesque president of all
from Afghanistan, and vastly expanded the federal time.
government, making him the least Reaganesque
BEST FILM
president in history. Though the Illinois native set
Anything in which he didnt get upstaged by a chimp,
himself up to be the quintessential Reaganite president which happened to him more often than one would prefer
by promising in his 1981 inaugural speech to reduce in a future U.S. president
the size of government and rein in spending, he actually
NICKNAME
built up an enormous peacetime military and drove the
The Great Communicator, due to the grandfatherly,
federal deficit to unprecedented levels, a decidedly un- soft-spoken way he savaged welfare recipients
Reaganesque move. Reagan went on to violate almost
every tenet of traditional, small-government Reaganism STRONGEST MILITARY ACHIEVEMENT
by approving 61,000 new federal jobs, reneging on his Growing size of Iranian army by 2 percent Recycling, process by which
pledge to cut taxes, and then increasing payroll and FAMOUS QUOTE objects such as newspapers,
gasoline taxes. Even when Reagan was at his most Mister Sandman, tear down this dream! cans, bottles, and plastic
Reaganesqueauthorizing covert military operations June 12, 1987 products are forcibly relocated
to remote recycling centers
where they are beaten, tortured,
and psychologically terrorized
applications. In 1991, Raytheon ex- New York, and that he did not founding, with institutional racism,
until they can be coerced into
panded into a major corporation exist. voter disenfranchisement, and a taking the form of another
when the United States, Pakistan, Realpolitik, politics or diplomacy nonfunctional education system. object.
and Saudi Arabia bought up a based on power and practical con- Red, Orange, universally regarded
bunch of Harolds own BGM-109 siderations rather than the ideologi- as painter Mark Rothkos finest
Tomahawk missilesall-weather cal notions and ethical premises work, many times better than Or-
subsonic cruise rockets that were that the guy in the tight red jeans ange and Brown, Orange and Tan,
on special that week for $1.4 mil- and round glasses who went to Yale and the godawful Blue, Green, and
lion a piece with one free launch is expounding upon to the two girls Brown.
system. While the company now slicing limes in the kitchen. Reed, Lou (b. Mar. 2, 1942), rock
brings in $25 billion a year and has Reconstruction, brief period fol- legend and proto-
72,000 employees, the Raytheons lowing the American Civil War dur- punk pioneer
still putter around the state-of-the- ing which Southern states elected known for his VOICES OF HISTORY
art 150,000-square-foot complex, racially representative govern- easy rapport with
Im sorry I cant sign
offering folksy advice on how, with ments, built scores of public schools the media and his
a new low-noise oscillator, the latest and universities, and vastly im- fans. Always hap-
your autograph
Patriot missiles could have an in- proved their infrastructure, before py to sign an autograph or pose for a
without a pen. I
creased sensitivity to low radar deciding abruptly in 1877 that this photo, Reed enjoys nothing more know, why not come
cross-section targets. way of life just wasnt for them. For than being flagged down on the over to my house for
Razzamatazz, main weakness of 12 years, the South really tried to street to chat about any ol thing. If dinner and Ill give
the American rube. embrace its newly formed society you see him, just call out, Louie! you one of my
Reade, Duane (b. Feb. 12, 1919), based on equal rights, open elec- Hey, Louie! and prepare to have guitars?
American entrepreneur and the tions, and economic moderniza- your ear talked off by your new best LOU REED
founder of Duane Reade drug tion, but eventually the region had friend.
stores, who promptly evaporated to admit that it simply didnt feel Relationship, social bond lasting
into thin air upon discovering that natural and it was time to move on. anywhere from two weeks to 70
Duane Reade pharmacy was actu- In the period immediately follow- years, the entirety of which is spent
ally named after the corner of ing Reconstruction, Southern states vacillating between thinking one is
Duane Street and Reade Street in returned to the ideals of their doing the right thing and thinking
165

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R Religion to Gary Leon Ridgway

that one is making a terrible dont believe in God, thats great, trying to say here. How are we do-
mistake. too. Its all great. Everybodys great. ing on word count? 135? Ugh.
Religion, oh, boy, here we go. Okay, God is great! If you believe in him, Okay, lets see, what else? Well, we
solets see here. The religion en- that is. Or her. Or, you know, them. could talk about each of the differ-
try. Shit. Got to be careful with this All of these beliefs are valid. Obvi- ent religions, but that seems like
one. Well, lets try this: Religion in- ously, we wouldnt want to offend trouble. (Feel free to skip ahead to a
volves the worship of a god or gods, anyone by implying otherwise, different entry, by the way. Religion
depending on the individual reli- which of course is not to imply that is important and definitely deserves
gionall of which are equally religious people are easily offended a big entry, which is a statement we
good, by the wayalthough if you or anything. Thats not what were will absolutely go on the record

REVOLUTIONARY WAR, conflict

fought from 1775 to 1783 between the
British Empire and 13 American colonies
that probably should have tipped off the rest
of the world that the United States was
RELIGION going to be a huge pain in the ass. Sparked
That should about cover all of them, by the Stamp Act of 1765 and the Town-
right? Everybody happy with this shend Actsa pretty glaring sign that this
graphic?
country, which was willing to go to war over
taxes, would be absolute hell to deal with for
the next 200-plus yearsAmerican soldiers Military Tactics
fought an exasperating guerilla campaign, Despite facing a far superior military, American forces were able
confounding British troops and showing to defeat the British on the battlefield by using the brilliant,
other nations that they had a real prick of a unprecedented tactic of shooting from the side. Because the
highly trained British soldiers were accustomed to lining up
country on their hands. Even before the first
directly across from opposing forces, waiting patiently for a clearly
shots were fired at Lexington and Concord, audible command, and then simultaneously discharging their
it was clear that being a conniving little weapons on cue, they were unprepared for the Americans
asshole would comprise Americas character paradigm-shifting strategy of walking around to the back and
for centuries to come: The colonists opening fire from there, and also crouching a little bit so that they
dumped 90,000 pounds of tea into the were not always right at eye level. Though the British troops were
better funded and provisioned, they could not overcome the
Boston Harbor like a bunch of spoiled Americans inspired combat technique of not dressing in ornate,
cocksuckers, wrote a whiny, passive- bright-red uniforms in the middle of the woods and heralding
aggressive letter declaring their indepen- their approach from half a mile away with extremely loud
dence, and got everyone all riled up by instruments.
complaining about a lack of liberty, as if they
were living in some kind of dehumanizing The Fife
Marked by a strong demand for small,
prison state. Moreover, the recruitment of flutelike instruments that were similar to
France, Spain, the Dutch Republic, Native a piccolo but louder and shriller, the
Americans, and African-American slaves to American Revolutionary War was
aid in the war was just the first of many, undoubtedly the best time in history to
many times that Americans would rope be a fife. Whereas before 1775 a fife
could only expect to be played at the
their allies into helping them take what they
occasional parade or militia recruitment
wanted, whenever they wanted, with little to event, the War of Independence saw an enormous uptick in
no concern for anything except their own high-pitched melodies intended to rally troops into battle, making
self-interests. Unfortunately, after defeating the eight-year-long conflict a true golden age for petite, six-holed
the British at the Battle of Yorktown, the wind instruments. While fifes are still employed in reenactments
United States won the war, emboldening the of 18th-century battles and as props in the occasional 1776
revival, the halcyon days of the Revolutionary Warwhen a
young nation to act like a major-league decent fife could expect to be played on an almost hourly
shithead for the foreseeable future. basishave never been matched.

*If any portion of this Religion entry seemed like an evasion, let the editors of this encyclopedia assure the reader that a series of very real bud-
getary and time constraints necessitated an entry of this exact length. Also, let us reiterate that all religions are equally valid, as is no belief in
religion at all, which may seem like an entirely paradoxical statement but is not.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E R

with, but, still, dont feel as though New World, explore human anat- the things on cave wall not real, so it
you cant browse around until you omy, write classic works of poetry all big thing about life. Book is old.
find an entry on something a bit less and literature, and upend the pre- It say, Philosophy king best king,
controversial like, say, Baseball or vailing belief that the earth was the that what Plato think, because that
Coffee.) Religion is believing that center of the universe. Writings best way to rule state, this what him
everybody should just believe in from the time indicate that in the say but him also prove this too with
whatever they want to believe in. first five minutes after the Renais- other kings and what they do bad.
Yeah. Thats what religion is. There sance began, those who had experi- More words of about how soul is
we go. Whoops! Did we run out of enced it wandered out of their immortal. Plato think Socrates
space?* dwellings as if emerging from a stu- good. Book very good book. People
Rembrandt (b. July 15, 1606 d. Oct. por, tried to come to terms with the try later make book like this book
4, 1669), Dutch master known for fact that mankind had basically but this first book to be like this
expressively using light and shadow done nothing of importance for the book. Okay time go home now bye.
because there was an opening in art past 900 years, and thought, in uni- Republican Party, devout, highly
history at that time for a painter son, This is the Renaissance now. organized group of political zealots
who was particularly good at that. Reptile, cold-blooded, egg-laying with the explicitly stated goal of
Renaissance, event occurring on tetrapod that lives on every conti- seizing control of the United States
May 8, 1451, at 2:35 p.m. in which nent but Antarctica, and comes in a government. Bent on total political
the great European thinkers of the wide variety of shapes and sizes domination of the country, the Re- Retriever, type of hunting dog
era collectively decided it was now from tiny lizards, to large croco- publican Party has vowed to let that will fetch ducks, but their
habit of keeping the feet and
time to emerge from the Middle diles, to 6-foot, upright creatures nothing stand in its way as it takes stringing them on a necklace is a
Ages and start reforming society wearing the skin of your next-door over all levels of government in little morbid for the taste of
and advancing human knowledge. neighbor, Jeremy. every state and municipality in a most people.
At the same exact moment, with no Republic, The, big book of Platos ruthless effort to impose its funda-
advance planning or forethought, where him say, mentalist agenda on every Ameri-
all of the continents intellectual This is the jus- can man, woman, and child. (See
and artistic luminaries stopped tice, so it real big Democratic Party)
what they were doing and began thing with what Resurrection, process of coming
steering civilization on a path to- is happened with back to life from biological death
ward modernity, having suddenly politics. It all big that is also known as the Lazarus
experienced the intuition to de- metaphor. Him so smart Plato for syndrome or Hulkamania.
velop linear perspective in painting, the way how book say what govern- Ridgway, Gary Leon (b. Feb. 20, VOICES OF HISTORY
invent Humanism, discover the ments good and also part on how 1949), American Sometimes I stare out
serial killer be- my jail cell and think
RICE, widely Tiny mouth emits lieved to have about how much fun it
screams of physical
produced, fully sentient suffering perceptible murdered at least
staple grain with a only to other rice would be to kill a lot
grains 90 people in the
complex nervous more people. It would be
system Pacific North-
west, which is a pretty goddamn
really fun.
Pain receptors Resilient internal GARY LEON RIDGWAY
transmit feelings organs keep
impressive number, actually.
of anguish while grain alive even Known as Green River Gary, the
grain is being when it wishes
boiled alive and to die Green River Killer, and the River-
eaten
man, Ridgway confessed to 71
murders, most of which occurred
between 1982 and 1984; that aver-
Highly developed
brain is fully ages out to roughly one killing ev-
conscious and Total lack of limbs
prevents self- ery two weeks. Every two weeks for
wants desperately
to live defense or two years. The next time you walk
crawling away
down the street, just start counting
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R Rink Freeze to Robot

people, and when you reach 71, temperature must be kept low by sworn-in jurors, and the ritualized
stop and imagine Ridgway stran- artificial means, rink freeze can take circumcision of people riding roller
gling each and every one of them. much longer, with players and fans coasters for the first time.
Just think about how much time arriving at the rink up to three Road, The, 2006 Newbery Medal
and preparation that would take weeks before the puck is dropped. winning childrens novel by Cor-
never mind driving them out to the Rio Grande, river that provides a mac McCarthy about a boys adven-
middle of nowhere and carefully beacon of hope for thousands of La-
disposing of their bodies in the tino immigrants who cross into the
woods. Forty-eight of Ridgways United States each year seeking bet-
victims were prostitutes, which is ter opportunities for their families
10 times more than the number of but instead find McAllen, Texas.
prostitutes Jack the Ripper killed, Ripken, Cal, Jr. (b. Aug. 24, 1960),
and Jack the Ripper wasnt exactly a former Baltimore Orioles shortstop
slouch in that department. On Dec. and third baseman who has played a
18, 2003, Ridgway was sentenced relatively minor role in humanitys
to 48 life sentences with no possi- overall historical narrative.
bility of parole. Not bad for a truck Rite Of Passage, event within a
factory worker from Salt Lake City. given culture marking a life mile-
Not bad at all. stone, including, for example, the
Rink Freeze, weeklong period be- ritualized circumcision of sub-
Roach, beetlelike insect that
you found three of in the past fore the start of every professional Saharan teenage boys, the ritualized
week, so thats probably going to hockey game in which players and circumcision of freshmen at Purdue tures with his father and the deep
be a thing in your life for a while. fans flock to the arena to wait for University, the ritualized circumci- bond they form during a months-
the water in a hockey rink to freeze. sion of new Sams Club members, long road trip across a postapoca-
In southern climates, where the the ritualized circumcision of newly lyptic wasteland. The story, re-

CITIES OF THE WORLD

Rio de Janeiro
Second-largest city in Brazil, consideredGod, its
so dark in here, and it smells like gas or some-
thingone of the most exciting cities in the world. I
can barely breathe. Cant move, either. Founded by
the Portuguese in 1565, Rio has since become one
of the most visited tourist destinations in the world,
although visitors are cautioned to be careful when
Rios annual Carnival is a vibrant, colorful event that can
visiting the favelas, or poorer areas, to avoid being be faintly heard from a locked car trunk.
robbed, assaulted, or, yes, kidnapped and stuffed
into the trunk of an old diesel Mercedes. Whats that crime rivals that of the most dangerous Oh, God,
rubbing up against my legs? The spare tire? Rios I saw their faces. They didnt try to hide their faces.
raucous Carnival celebration is a particular draw, They dont care that I saw them. Im going to die. I
attracting more than half a million tourists both think we just pulled off the main roads. Less than 60
foreign and They took my cell phone. Of course percent of Rios roads are paved, and I can hear the
they took it. Fuck! Okay, just think, man. Relax and gravel hitting the wheel wells. Oh, God, oh Jesus
think. Although tourism is a reliable source of Christ, Christ the Redeemer is Rios most famous
revenue for the city, the economy of Rio is diversi- landmark, a 130-foot statue that overlooks the city
fied among several, you know, maybe if I can find a from atop Corcovado mountain, and why are they
crowbar or something. The jack handle? There has stopping the car? That was the door. They let me
to be one in here. Oh God, Susan! I hope Susans see their faces when they grabbed me off the street
okay. Of course, theyll need her to pay my ransom. right in front of the historic Maracan stadium,
Rio is the 30th-richest city in the world and the which hosted the 1950 World Cup. Im going to die.
second-wealthiest in Brazil, yet its rate of violent Oh my God, Im going to die.

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quired reading in most fourth-grade store and immediately checked to basketball player make a layup. TYPES OF ROBOTS
classrooms, details how the name- see if he was in it. Robot, electromechanical machine
less father and son get to know each Robinson, Jackie (b. Jan. 31, 1919 programmed to perform tasks on
other better as they encounter crazy d. Oct. 24, 1972), African-American command whose ultimate future
predicaments, like hiding from can- athlete who broke Major League purpose is to provide humans with
nibalistic hordes and discovering a Baseballs color barrier and who, de- lifelike artificial partners they can
dead infant roasting on a spit. The spite being one of have sex with. While robots are cur-
Roomba
Road is lauded for addressing some the most electri- rently used in a variety of industrial, This autonomous floor cleaner with
of the difficult adult issues children fying players in military, and scientific capacities, rotating bristle brushes and infrared
location technology is currently
occasionally have to deal with, par- the history of the the technology behind them is in- being adapted for use in cunnilingus.
ticularly when readers learn that the game, still failed tended for the eventual creation of
boys mom killed herself after losing to make baseball humanoid sex servants capable of
hope, and that he must now be pre- not boring. Dis- gratifying mankinds every erotic
pared to use their last bullet to playing a thereto- impulse, no matter how depraved.
shoot himself if somebody ever ab- fore unseen combination of power, Robotics engineers are responsible
ducts him. In the end, the little boy speed, and athleticism, Robinson for numerous innovations, includ-
learns an important lesson about ultimately did nothing to make ing articulated gripper claws, that
trust and independence after he watching baseball any different than are today used in factories for as-
Foster-Miller TALON
joins up with another family that staring at a slowly dripping faucet sembly and stacking but will soon Employed today by the military for
reconnaissance, ordnance-disposal,
finds him mourning over his fa- for three hours. Robinson had his be used to perform vigorous, yet and air-to-ground combat, this rugged
thers dead body. best season in 1949, when he hit smooth, robotic hand jobs upon robot will eventually be used as a
versatile, all-terrain fuck slave capable
Robbins, Tim (b. Oct. 16, 1958), .342 with 124 RBIs, 203 hits, and request. Likewise, the sophisticated of intercourse under any conditions,
popular film and stage actor who nothing even approaching the ex- artificial-intelligence algorithms including in the shower.
probably saw this book in a book- citement of watching a high school now employed in speech-

LEGAL OWNER OF THE NEW DEAL Expansion Of The Federal

Franklin D. Roosevelt Government Under Roosevelt
(b. Jan. 30, similar legislation would land Social Security Act
A little-known provision in this act allows
1882 d. Apr. [its] ass in court and vowed Americans in the workforce to legally rob
12, 1945), that anyone who even one old woman a year to get a little back
32nd attempts to rip off my New of what they pay in
president of Deal will get hit with a lawsuit Hall Of Presidents
Disabilities Advancement Program Animatronics
the United States, who in so goddamned hard theyll see Recruited millions of workers to dig for a Walt Disney Worlds Hall of
response to the Great Depres- stars. Those few American cure for polio Presidents animatrons are some of the
sion, created a vast system of presidents who did attempt to first attempts at actual sex robots.
Indian Non-Projectile Act Underneath their authentically
nationwide works programs institute broad, New Dealstyle Made illegal the practice of firing Native reproduced clothing, each figure
called the New Deal and reforms were served with Americans out of cannons against their features a 9-inch penis equipped with
will a pneumatic system capable of
copyrighted it so that future cease-and-desist papers in the
expelling a stream of synthetic
generations of Americans could Oval Office by the Roosevelt Federal Deposit Insurance ejaculate up to 5 feet. Since President
not use the same method to Estates high-priced legal team Corporation Carter, all presidential animatronics
Created in 1933 to protect against the have also been designed with a
help solve their own economic and warned they had better highly unlikely prospect of a reckless realistically snug anus.
crises. While the ingenious find a real fucking ball-breaker bank ever becoming insolvent again
New Deal system resulted in a of an attorney. To date, no
Tennessee Valley Authority
dramatically upgraded national Americans have successfully Highly successful agency created when,
infrastructure, reduced infringed on the New Deal as a shot in the dark, FDR said, I dont
unemployment, and a renewed copyright, nor have they know, maybe go build some dams in
Tennessee?
sense of hope and optimism infringed on Roosevelts 1945
throughout the country, the copyright on leading America Vibrators
Katharine Hepburn Relief Act While not robots by definition, these
highly litigious Roosevelt through a foreign war with Supplied box-office aid to Hollywood devices were developed to be placed
actress Katharine Hepburn, who had not
ensured that any latter calm, resourcefulness, and had a solid hit since 1933s Morning Glory
inside robot sex slaves, where they will
administration trying to enact eventual victory. vibrate to alert the user that the sex
slave is low on battery power.

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R Rock And Roll to ROV Hercules

FORGET THAT ROUGH RIDER

SHIT, CHECK THIS OUT
ROMAN EMPIRE, thriving ancient civilization located on the Italian peninsula that produced
Theodore Roosevelt many great thinkers, scientists, artists, and military leaders to obscure the vast and teeming masses of
(b. Oct. 27, idiots that made up 99 percent of its population. Noted for such brilliant minds as the philosopher and
1858 d. Jan. statesman Cicero, the Emperor Augustus, and the poet Horace, ancient Rome purposely put those great
6, 1919), 26th Romans forward as a sort of counterbalance to the massive, mumbling droves of catastrophically moronic
president of Romans who could barely stay on a horse, let alone build an aqueduct, or even understand what the
the United potential benefits of an aqueduct might be, for that matter. By covering for its profusion of illiterate,
States, who drool-spattered imbeciles with the likes of Ovid and Virgil, Rome was able to present itself as a wellspring
deserves to be of Western culture and sophistication, with its artists and engineers constructing elaborate columns,
remembered for so much edifices, and murals to distract the eye from the literally thousands upon thousands of dim-witted, slow,
more than just the famous and outright brain-damaged Romans tripping on their tunics and laughing like donkeys. In this respect,
story of how he was shot many historians consider ancient Rome to be the prototype of the modern Western republic.
before a campaign speech and
delivered it with the bullet
lodged in his chest, but you Fire is the
know what, too bad, because test of gold;
were going with the bullet adversity, of
thing. Its true that, during his strong men.
two terms in office, Roosevelt
promoted market competi- SENECA THE YOUNGER
tion with antitrust laws,
pushed Congress to pass the
Meat Inspection Act of 1906, Yeah, what
and created the U.S. Forest he said
Service, but were dead set on [audible
this bullet thing. Its a great flatulence].
story you can choose to get
on board with or not, but DISGUSTING CRETIN
either way, the train is leaving STANDING NEXT TO SENECA
the station. So anyway, THE YOUNGER
The Roman Colosseum was designed by one genius to seat 50,000 idiots.
Roosevelt is in Milwaukee
getting ready to do a big
campaign speech when this
psychotic saloon keeper from The Roman Empire Today
New York named John Once a dominant civilization that
Schrank shoots him right in ruled half the known world, the
modern Roman Empire consists of 23
the chest. Right in the
subjects living in the Maple Grove
goddamn chest. Everyones
suburb of Minneapolis, Minnesota,
shocked, confused, and where it controls two seats on the local
scared, but Roosevelt, with a school board, hosts a raucous Fourth
piece of metal stuck inside his of July barbecue, and maintains several
torso, doesnt even want to go lovely split-level homes with neatly
the hospital or sit down for a manicured lawns.
few minutes to rest. Instead,
and this is true, he whips out
a 50-page manuscript of his
speech thats covered in blood recognition software and military music in which a musician or musi- begins with at least four bars of the
and holds it up for the crowd strategy programs is merely a step- cians begins to play the 1955 song seminal Little Richard composition
to see and says, You see, it
ping stone on the path to teaching Tutti Frutti and keeps playing it Tutti Frutti, generally played fast
takes more than a bullet to
kill a Bull Moose, and he buxom androids and well-hung au- until it eventually turns into a new and enthusiastically until the song
winds up talking for 60 tomatons how to perform acts of and different rock and roll song, or morphs into an original composi-
minutes. Classic. Just sexual debasement too humiliating doesnt. Pioneered in the United tion by the songwriter. Notable
absolutely classic. See, arent for any human sexual partner to States in the mid-20th century, the rock and roll songs include the
you glad we went with the ever consider. fundamental structure of every rock 1971 Led Zeppelin song Stairway
bullet?
Rock And Roll, form of popular and roll song ever recorded is that it To Heaven, which begins with an
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extended five-minute version of 14, 1989), former Major League spite being an absolutely terrible
Tutti Frutti that gradually trans- Baseball player and owner of the all- employee who couldnt rivet for
forms into the songs classic time career hits record who, after shit. Unquestionably the least tal-
poignant guitar-and-flute arrange- admitting to gambling on his own ented or motivated female riveter at
ment, and Smells Like Teen Spirit, team in 1989, chose to do the hon- her plant, Rosie somehow became
the leadoff track of the 1991 Nir- orable thing and one of the most recognizable im-
vana album Nevermind that fa- publicly commit- ages in American feminism, a con-
mously begins with an ultrafast, ted suicide at siderable feat given that she was
14-second burst of Tutti Frutti. Game 1 of that constantly getting written up for
Occasionally, rock and roll bands years World Se- tardiness, was unable to follow even
will keep playing Tutti Frutti and ries. During the the simplest directions, and was al-
fail to ever shift into a new and dif- seventh-inning stretch of the ways incorrectly riveting together
ferent rock and roll song, as is the matchup between the Oakland parts of the planes she was assigned
case with every track on the Rolling Athletics and San Francisco Giants, to build. A more accurate heroine of
Stones 1972 masterpiece Exile On Rose walked to center field, told the the era would have been Rosies co-
Main Street. crowd he had brought disgrace worker Darla, who in one hour
Roll, what one gets on when he is 18 upon the national pastime, and could do more riveting than Rosie
letters into an encyclopedia and is shot himself in the heart with an or- could in a day, and who faithfully
just in the zone, nailing it page after nate, silver-and-gold pistol present- stayed overtime to go back and re-
page. And I mean killing it: The ed to him in a plush velvet box by rivet the spots Rosie had screwed
words keep coming out, hes feeling baseball commissioner Fay Vin- up earlier in the shift. Though her
great, and its like he doesnt even cent, who then set Roses lifeless picture was famously featured in
have to try. Eight letters to go and corpse aflame as 40 million Ameri- J. Howard Millers 1942 We Can
hes feeling good because nothing can television viewers looked on. Do It propaganda poster, Rosie ROSIE THE RIVETER
can stop him now, baby, nothing. Roses ritual suicide was the first was fired on Jan. 29, 1943, after she The icon of American womens hard
Rooibos, South African red tea, but such act since the eight World Se- accidentally riveted two B-29 work and resillience was given three
written warnings in April 1942 alone.
you already knew that. ries players involved in the 1919 bombers together.
Roosevelt, Eleanor (b. Oct. 11, Black Sox Scandal disemboweled Ross, Diana (b. Mar. 26, 1944), one
1884 d. Nov. 7, 1962), first lady who themselves on opening day the fol- of the three original Supremes vo-
would have completely outshined lowing season. calists who, after being injected
her husband had she been married Rosie The Riveter, iconic factory with Berry Gordys semen, was
to any American president other worker who during World War II given the powers of lead singer.
than Franklin Roosevelt. Most came to symbolize the strength of ROV Hercules, unmanned deep-sea
scholars agree that Roosevelt, a tire- women in the United States, de- submersible that unexpectedly
less crusader for the rights of
women, African-Americans, and
the poor, would not only have over-
shadowed, for instance, Zachary
Taylor, but would also have eclipsed
him so thoroughly that his name
would be forgotten altogether. In
fact, it is sometimes alleged that
President Roosevelt got the nation
involved in World War II purely for
the sake of keeping his wifes ac-
complishments from utterly ob-
scuring him from history. ROV Hercules is believed to
collect pieces of its victims scalps
Rope, elderly male string.
and store them in its specimen-
Rose, Pete (b. Apr. 14, 1941 d. Oct. collection bins.
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R J.K. Rowling to Satan

broke contact with marine re- Rowling, J.K. (b. July 31, 1965), dents George Washington, Abra-
searchers on April 3, 2004, and has well-known author of the Harry ham Lincoln, and Thomas Jeffer-
since been implicated in a series of Potter series of young-adult fiction, son, until Teddy Roosevelts face
grisly and fatal attacks on swimmers whose enormous- willed itself to burst forth from the
throughout the world. Despite ef- ly popular books granite rock completely unassisted.
forts by scientists to locate the craft have, to date, net- Halfway through construction of
after it mysteriously vanished into ted her more than Jeffersons lips, engineers heard a
the Indian Ocean, Hercules has $32,500. After the deafening roar, felt the ground be-
eluded all attempts at recovery, and first Harry Potter
the only evidence of its existence is novel became a worldwide sensa-
several grainy underwater photo- tion in 1998, Rowling capitalized
graphs and nearly three dozen on the books success by securing a
mangled human carcasses bearing nearly $4,000 advance for the next
distinctive wounds inflicted by the installment in the series, a fee her
underwater crafts two robotic publisher has matched for each sub-
arms. Those few individuals fortu- sequent novel. In addition, Harry
nate enough to have escaped ROV Potterrelated merchandising is re-
Rowboat, small boat propelled
Hercules attacks with their lives re- ported to have earned Rowling in gin to quake violently, and watched
by oars that just brings a smile to call being pulled underwater amid excess of $3,000. The bestselling as the outlines of a nose appeared
ones face, doesnt it? Adorable. the rush of hydraulic thrusters and author has since been able to pay off from the rock, followed by a pair of
feeling a tightening around their a significant portion of her credit pince-nez reading spectacles and a
legs as the former research sub- card debt and, with proper invest- large bushy mustache. After nearly
mersible attempted to ensnare ments, is expected to be worth three minutes of Roosevelts mas-
them with its long, winding cable. nearly $50,000 by 2023. sive stone forcibly wedging itself
At the time of publication, ROV Rushmore, Mount, monument between Lincoln and Jefferson, the
Hercules is believed to be lurking carved into the leeward side of 26th presidents granite visage fi-
somewhere in deep waters off the Mount Rushmore that originally nally settled into place, killing 22
coast of the Seychelles. only featured the faces of U.S. presi- stonecutters in the process.

GEORGE HERMAN BABE RUTH (b. Feb. 6,

1895 d. Aug. 16, 1948), American baseball player who
completely changed the sport by becoming the first batter
to stand up at home plate rather than sit. Prior to Ruth,
who batted .342 with 714 home runs in his career, hitters
sat Indian-style with their bats lying across their thighs and
their hands neatly folded over the bat, forcing them to
quickly attempt to pick up the bat in time to swing at
incoming pitches. Ruth realized, however, that by standing
and holding the bat in a ready position on his shoulder, he
could not only use more strength and body momentum,
but could also avoid wobbling back and forth and toppling
over every time he tried to swing. Ruths revolutionary
new stance also forced pitchers to begin standing up rather
than throwing the ball while lying on their stomachs and
childishly kicking their legs behind them. The New York
Yankee All-Star won seven World Series titles before his
retirement and changed the game more dramatically than
anyone else, with the possible exception of Lou Brock,
who in 1974 broke the single-season stolen base record
when he bucked tradition and began running around the Many attribute Ruths tremendous success to his
bases instead of crab-walking. unorthodox standing-up batting stance.

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Sacagawea (b. circa 1788, d. Dec. followed by his historic marriage of Salk, Jonas (b. Oct. 28, 1914

S
20, 1812), wife of an American In- a pair of badgers and his offering of d. June, 23 1995), American medi-
dian chief who played a crucial role the Eucharist to a pigeon and her cal researcher and virologist who
in helping explorers Lewis and seven chicks. Though born to a inadvertently discovered the cure
Clark find the clitoris. wealthy cloth merchant, Assisi for polio while at home pulverizing
Sadness, normal state of being, es- chose to live in poverty, preaching infected monkey kidneys with a
pecially if one is truly being honest to stray cats and hearing the final hammer, as he did for fun every Sat-
with oneself about future prospects, confessions of dying camels, eagles, urday night. In the midst of the
the status of all relationships, the and gila monsters. In 1224, Assisi usual monkey kidney smashing that
state of the world, and the fact one believed that he had received the he always seemed to be doing in his
Ss . .
Nineteenth letter in the basic
will eventually die. stigmata, though it was later deter- spare time, Salk happened to notice
Latin alphabet that makes it
Sahara Club, beat it, wise guy. I an- mined that the blood pouring from a small speck of infected monkey possible to request more than
swer to Happy Siegel, and if Mr. Sie- his hands was caused by a failed at- innards that had splattered onto his one portion of any type of food.
gel says he dont like no dicks snoo- tempt to ordain a barracuda. shirt after a particularly vigorous Having an es sound, S gives
people the opportunity to order
pin around his club, then there aint Salary, regular sum of money em- kidney-hammering session, and re-
waffles instead of just a waffle,
gonna be no dicks snoopin around ployees are paid for doing their own alized that it would actually work or cheeseburgers instead of just
his club. Now either you beat feet in jobs in addition to their fired co- perfectly for a polio vaccine he hap- one cheeseburger. Some foods,
such as tabbouleh, daikon, and
a hurry, or I make an abstract paint- workers jobs. pened to be developing at work.
caviar, do not require an S to
ing out of your face with this here Decades after his discovery led to increase their quantity and
fist I got. Or, if youre really tin- SAMSUNG DEAL, 2005 the eradication of a deadly disease should never be eaten.
headed, you can try the back way consulting contract that finally and made him into a household
and take it up with Max the Cook. would have put Pinnacle name, Salk retired to a small
Solutions on the map if that
Heh, heh, on second thought monkey-kidney-smashing resort
retard Phil Richardson hadnt
yeah, you go talk to ol Maxie. Lets fucked the whole goddamn near Lake Tahoe, where he happily
see if a two-bit flatfoot like you can thing up. smashed monkey kidneys for the
finally put a grin on that sour puss rest of his life.
of his. (See Max the Cook) How That Dumbfuck Sanders, Barry (b. July 16, 1968),
Saint Francis Of Assisi (b. circa
Phil Richardson Queered former American football player
The Samsung Deal
1181, d. Oct. 3, 1226), Catholic friar who, like millions of people, had the
1. Was 25 minutes late to the
and patron saint of animals who meet-and-greet and tried to play it joy of the game sucked out of him
tended to the spiritual needs of all off with an absolute turd of a joke. by the Detroit Lions.
mammals, birds, fish, insects, and 2. Didnt deliver the quote on time, Sanders, Deion (b. Aug. 9, 1967),
bacteria. In 1205 Assisi performed and when he finally did get it in, the Hall of Fame NFL cornerback who
numbers were, naturally, all fucked
the first of many animal baptisms up. was nicknamed Prime Time for
on a local donkey, a sacrament soon 3. Is a complete dipshit.
using blazing speed and slippery
4. Had his goddamn Blackberry off
evasiveness when he avoided mak-
Saturday even though he was ing tackles.
explicitly told to keep it on all Sassoon, Vidal (b. Jan. 17, 1928),
weekend, which meant the
legendary European cosmetologist
estimates couldnt go out till
Monday. who invented the haircut in the
5. Read the simplest fucking early 1900s, before which peoples
SATAN
spreadsheet wrong; had to tell the hair was only removed by disease or The Prince of Darkness likes Kyuss
Koreans its actually going to cost by getting it caught in a gigantic okay, but he much prefers the more
them another $175,000. Dave straight-ahead rock bands Josh
loom or steam saw. Homme formed after they broke up,
Lemeris never would have screwed
the pooch like that. Satan, Lord of the Underworld and like Queens of the Stone Age and
Them Crooked Vultures.
6. Was impossible to fire even after torturer of the eternally damned
he fucked everything six ways from who, contrary to popular percep-
Sunday because his uncle runs the tion, isnt really that into most kinds
whole goddamn company.
of metal. Usually, the heaviest Satan
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S Satire to Secret Service

CITIES OF THE WORLD will go is some stoner metal like Science, highly organized, me- there before some jerk-off in a lab
San Diego Sleep, but even then, after a few thodical process of systematically coat pointed it out.
tracks hes usually like, Okay, I get taking credit for discovering Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Un-
it. Lucifer does love Fu Manchu, things that were already there. Sci- leashed, The Junior Novelization
and yes, hes well aware that metal ence utilizes techniques such as de- B y
purists would categorize them as duction and observation in order to Suzanne Weyn, actual book that
stoner rock, not stoner metal, but at measure natural phenomena like was outlined, written, rewritten, ed-
Beautiful, isnt it? Caroline
deserves this. this point in his life, hes like, Hon- rocks and whales, even though said ited, laid out, typeset, graphic de-
estly, who gives a shit? Naturally, objects would be the exact same signed, printed, bound, marketed,
Second-largest city in
California, fifth-wealthiest he will forever love early Metallica, length, height, and weight no mat- shipped, and sold.
metropolis in the United before they forsook their thrash ter what arbitrary system of units Scopes Monkey Trial, landmark
States, and where Caroline metal roots and completely sold was assigned to them. In-depth sci- trial of a high school science teacher
lives now. Situated in the out, and hell still throw on Panteras entific analysis performed in labo- accused of violating a Tennessee
states southern region on the Cowboys From Hell about once a ratories over the years has led to law prohibiting the teaching of
coast of the Pacific Ocean,
year, but other than that, all the scientists finding things such as evolution, a law many found aston-
which we always planned to
visit together someday, San newer drone-y, doom-metal bullshit moisture, penicillin, and carbon di- ishing, as they could not possibly
Diego is the seat of San Diego from bands like Sunn O))) and Bo- oxide, despite the fact that all of believe that evolution was still up
County. Has it really been two ris leaves Satan completely cold. these things would exist anyway, for debate in the year 1925.
whole years? Even after it The Dark Prince has actually been even if they hadnt been watched Season, climatological phenome-
ended, and it doesnt take a getting into a lot of the really great through a microscope a few times non that is said to be of some conse-
genius to see that it would
neo-psychedelia and garage punk and then given a clever little name quence to people of simple means.
have to end eventually, I never
thought she would move thats been coming out of Memphis in Latin. Science is divided into a Resulting from the Earths changing
across the country to San and Atlanta lately. number of different ultimately position relative to the sun, the four
Diego, whose economy is Satire, the act of being a wise-ass pointless fields, such as biology, seasons apparently pose a signifi-
largely composed of agricul- and saying its for a higher purpose. chemistry, and physics, though the cant challenge for those unable to
ture, biotechnology, computer Scamp, subspecies of rascal. most significant component of any comfortably insulate themselves
sciences, electronics manufac-
School, location in which a 9-year- scientific discipline consists of from inconvenient shifts in temper-
turing, defense-related
manufacturing, and financial old human being is told by a friend looking around for a minute ature. By lacking commonly avail-
services. I bet she loves hiking at lunchtime what the word blow another meaningless unit of an en- able items like down or mink coats,
in the many canyons in the job means. tirely made-up scientific concept, attached garages, leather gloves,
greater San Diego area. She Schulz, Charles (b. Nov. 26, 1922 known as timefinding some- central heating, and chauffeured
had such great legs, toonot d. Feb. 12, 2000), author of an illus- thing lying on the ground, and then limousines, those of limited social
the skinny coltish kind but
trated, 50-year-long suicide note. pretending as though it was not standing are rumored to go so far as
muscular, supple legs that are
probably browning beautifully
in the San Diego sun, which, SCIENTIFIC METHOD, process or technique of measuring empirical evidence that must be
with the citys 10 inches of convincingly faked in order to get a cholesterol drug to market in time for a Q4 release.
annual rainfall, is plentiful Steps Of The Scientific Method
year-round. I can see her there
right now, happy, living with Propose a hypothesis Test the hypothesis Tweak the data
Put forward an explanation Subject the hypothesis to Fudge, omit, or otherwise manipulate
some great guy who works at for an observed rigorous empirical data in order to show that Praxitin
the University of California, phenomenon. investigation. greatly reduces cholesterol in men
San Diego, the citys fourth- aged 50 to 75.
largest employer. She was a
hell of a woman, really, one of Have allied companies Report the data to the Destroy original lab notebooks
the best things that ever retest the hypothesis Marketing Department Dispose of all lab notebooks, as well
happened to me, and she In order to increase the Submit the results of the as other incriminating materials such
deserves all that the city Forbes reliability and validity of a experiment to Marketing by as spreadsheets and hard drives, that
hypothesis, the experiment Memorial Day, latest, to give suggest the data on Praxitin have
called one of the top-five should be replicated by other them enough lead time to get a been altered and that the medication
places to live has to offer. I research firms owned by the 30-second TV spot in rotation may have harmful side effects.
wonder if I should go out same parent company. by mid-September.
there and try to find her.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E S

CITIES OF THE WORLD

Aftermath Of September 11 San Francisco
TORTURE
Pre-9/11: Use of extreme pain to extract information from
a third party. As a signatory to the Geneva Conventions,
the United States does not torture.
Post-9/11: Use of extreme pain to extract information from
a third party. As a signatory to the Geneva Conventions,
the United States does not officially torture.
WATERBOARDING A haunting image that will
Pre-9/11: Not sure what it is, but sounds like fun. evoke only deepening regret as
Post-9/11: Know what it is. Not fun. the years continue to race by.

LETS ROLL
Pre-9/11: Stupid phrase uttered while jingling car keys to
Major American city located
encourage friends to move asses. on the coast of California that
SEPTEMBER 11 ATTACKS, series of is just going to linger there in
Post-9/11: Stupid patriotic phrase uttered as a battle cry by
coordinated suicide attacks on the United States that high school football teams before taking on local rival. the back of your mind,
will forever stand as a lesson to the entire world KID KICKING THE BACK OF YOUR whispering, You should
about how we view religion, or rather how we view CHAIR DURING FLIGHT move here, until you either
religions specific to the Middle East, or perhaps as a Pre-9/11: Cute child excited about going to Disney World.
do, and find it doesnt actually
lesson that has nothing to do with those things and Post-9/11: The terrorists are making their move.
make you any happier, or
instead was related to homeland security. Planned PEARL HARBOR dont, and painfully regret it
and carried out by the militant Islamic group Pre-9/11: The largest coordinated attack on American soil.
for the rest of your life.
al-Qaeda, the devastating attacks on the World Post-9/11: Something to put the word since before.

Trade Center, the Pentagon, and United Flight 93 KEN GRIFFEY, JR.
conveyed a deep, universal truth to every living Pre-9/11: An amazing player who could run, throw, cover a
human being about the difference between those ton of ground in the outfield, and hit for both power and
average.
who are free and those who are oppressed. There
Post-9/11: Definitely past his prime, but he could still hit
was also a lesson about oil consumption. And
the long ball and sometimes showed flashes of his former
certainly also about religious fanaticism. Or was it brilliance in center.

evil? Was the lesson of 9/11 something about evil?
FLYING JET AIRCRAFT INTO SKYSCRAPERS
Evildoers? Or was it about torture and the balance Pre-9/11: Most exciting thing one can possibly do in
between security and freedom? Or are those last Microsoft Flight Simulator.
two lessons learned in the aftermath of 9/11 as Post-9/11: Horrific image that can never be erased from
opposed to the main lesson of 9/11, which was your mind.
about encouraging tolerance and discourse? It may, THE U.S. OCCUPATION OF IRAQ
in retrospect, have actually been a lesson about civil Pre-9/11: An idea thought up by the Project for a New
American Century in 1997, based on ideas by Dick
liberties and the media. Hmm. Anyway, the lesson
Cheney from 1992.
learned from September 11 was definitely the
Post-9/11: An emergency response to the terrorist attacks
biggest lesson the world has ever learned. of 9/11.

to alter their behavior in order to ply board planes and relocate to skills they can abandon at any time
conserve energy and resources dur- nicer climates, even though that if an assassin seems poised to set
ing the years coldest months. In would be the obvious thing to do. off a once-in-a-generation turning SECRET SERVICE
Agents are trained to spot a
fact, some who cannot depend on Secret Service, federal agency point in society that irreparably al- would-be assassin in a crowd and
personal chefs for daily sustenance responsible for protecting the ters the status quo. A Secret Service quickly determine if his plot
captures the overall zeitgeist
are even forced to stock up on president of the United States detail shadows the president at enough to be allowed to move
enough provisions to last through- from assassination, unless every- all times, suspending situational forward.

out seasons when certain crops thing about it feels sort of perfect awareness only in the event that a
dont grow naturally, limiting their and potentially era-defining, in lethal threat is detected at too much
diets for upwards of four months at which case the assassination is al- of a watershed moment in Ameri-
a time. Despite grappling with these lowed to proceed. Selected agents can history to be neutralized, or
and other disadvantages during train for months in marksmanship, when the resulting tragedy would
times of difficult seasonal change, communication, first aid, crowd provide citizens with a significant
people of simple means do not sim- control, and defensive driving, all opportunity for dialogue, reflec-

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S Secretariat to Sexual Intercourse

tion, and perhaps a broader existen- Self-Storage Facility, repository host of The Twilight Zone, a weekly
tial sense of meaning. Secret Ser- for the tangible reminders of the anthology television series that en-
vice agents have allowed four sadness and ennui inherent in mod- abled Serling to work through his
successful assassinations to take ern life, and for the looming specter fears of flying, being alone, his
place and prevented 12 assassina- of mortality that has sharply de- neighbors, dying in his sleep, get-
tion attempts in instances in which fined the human condition since ting sucked into
they felt it was better for the nations time has been measured. The aver- dreams or works
interests to let the president take a age self-storage facility comprises of art, being
few bullets in the abdomen rather long, haunting hallways lined with locked in a bank
than die outright. identical, windowless units, inside vault during a nu-
Secretariat (b. Mar. 30, 1970 d. Oct. of which are third-place trophies, clear attack, dead
4, 1989), American Triple Crown art supplies, ski equipment, musical grandmas calling on toy phones,
winning racehorse whose record- instruments, and other relics of pas- being the only human-looking per-
setting times in the Kentucky sions eventually abandoned due to son in a fascist world of pig-snouted
Seesaw, playground toy that
consists of a fulcrum-mounted Derby and Belmont Stakes stood frustration or the untenability of people, fictional towns called Wil-
plank designed to remind some until he was stripped of his titles in pursuing them further, as well loughby, being harassed by small
children that they dont even have disgrace for gambling on his own as the unwanted, dust-covered people in spaceships, and being
one friend.
races throughout the 1970s. tchotchkes inherited from long- shot by Elizabeth Montgomery.
Seder, service held during the Jew- dead relatives and the painful me- Serpent, snake wearing a necktie or
ish holiday of Passover that gentile mentos of failed romantic cohabita- other semiformal attire.
girlfriends think is pretty neat. Par- tionsall depressing keepsakes Sewer, underground system of
ticipants at a seder recount the story that remind one of his or her own pipes flowing with liquid waste and
of the liberation of Jewish slaves inevitable demise. These facilities place where plumbers live.
from Egypt using a text called the will at times provide the most direct Sex,
Haggadah, an act gentile girlfriends example of the crushing futility of Welcome to
find really interesting and, when life, particularly when a person who The Onion Book Of Known
they get to hear their boyfriends can no longer cope with the absurd Knowledge:
read Hebrew, particularly endear- pointlessness of existence rents a A Definitive Encyclopaedia of
ing. The seder also consists of vari- unit, sits down in the dark on a pile Existing Information
ous rituals gentile girlfriends think of boxes, and breathes his or her As this is clearly the first entry to
are kind of cool, such as dipping heavy, listless last breaths. which the reader will have turned,
herbs in salt water, leaving the door Semiconductor, person who di- we would like to take this opportu-
open for the prophet Elijah, and the rects a philharmonic orchestra in nity to explain some of this books
Seneca Falls Convention, search by children for a hidden the back of a tractor-trailer. many features. If the reader is able
historic womens rights piece of matzah called the afiko- Sense Of Wonder, A, third album to scrape his mind for a moment
convention held in Seneca Falls,
men, which gentile girlfriends con- in musician Van Morrisons famed from the rancid gutter of sexual de-
New York, in July 1848 in which
a number of influential female sider the cutest thing ever. Toward Terrible trilogy, in which the artist pravity, he will see that this volume
thinkers correctly determined the end of the seder, a festive meal is explores his godawful side and plays is organized alphabetically, rather
that, sadly, women probably eaten during which gentile girl- with themes of unlistenability. than by topic or theme; where rele-
wouldnt receive the right to vote
friends try gefilte fish and say its Sepsis, potentially fatal bacterial vant, however, entries have been
for another 70 years or soafter
all in attendance were dead and not as bad as they thought it would infection that occurs when a dis- cross-referenced with related sub-
goneso they might as well just be. Typically, the gentile girlfriend tracted surgeon accidentally grabs a jects. For example, if, after finishing
go home right now. talks excitedly about the seder dur- dirty toilet plunger sitting next to the entry on Physics, the reader
ing the majority of the ride home. the operating table instead of his sought more information, not only
Segregation, separation based on forceps and then rubs the plunger would it constitute a modern mira-
race that was once government all over the incision he has just cle for him to have maintained that
policy in the United States but made in the patient. degree of focus without halting to
which has since been turned over to Serling, Rod (b. Dec. 25, 1924 d. furiously masturbate to some fleet-
private citizens. June 28, 1975), neurotic creator and ing carnal obsession, but he would
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E S

Sexual Intercourse, four-hour-

SEXUAL REPRODUCTION, biological means by which long physical act conducted three
men create other, smaller men through the use of an intermediary. to five times a day. Characterized in
At the start of the process, the man places his reproductive organ the vast majority of humans by pas-
into a cavity provided by the intermediary and transfers a volume of
sionate, deeply gratifying lovemak-
genetic material into the receptacle. A tiny capsule accepts the
mans genetic material and stores it in a larger, oval-shaped holding ing sessions that bond participants
area within the intermediarys midsection. Prior to dismissal, the on a profound spiritual level while
intermediary promises to alert the progenitor when the little man is leaving them in a state of sheer
ready; the man then enters a nine-month period of preparing for physical ecstasy, intercourse also
the new mans arrival by working, eating, sleeping, and socializing serves the practical evolutionary
to relieve stress. When this interval has passed, the intermediary
imperative of multiple mind-blow-
informs the man of the new little mans completion. In some cases,
the intermediary malfunctions and accidentally creates a new little ing climaxes, especially among fe-
intermediary. males. Following the roughly 75
percent of the act taken up by pa-
tient and mutually satisfying fore-
play, the male inserts his penis
sized between 9 and 13
inchesinto the vagina and begins
a steady but tender pumping. If, as
is often the case, intercourse is be-
tween multiple partners, the males
1. The man deposits his genetic 2. A little man is created inside the thick, shapely sexual organ will fully
material into the intermediary. intermediary. stimulate every inch of the first
partners vagina, while his hands
which seem to instinctively know
each contour of the female form
better even than her owngently Shot Put, athletic event in
arouse the other with expert which a heavy round ball is
thrown as far as possible and the
touches, flicks, and pinches to all of
only sport considered less
the 83 known erogenous zones. At graceful than carrying an air
the two-hour mark, the female part- conditioner up seven flights of
3. The little man is expelled from the 4. The man and the little man are ner screams or emits a long, sono- stairs.
intermediary after nine months. finally together.
rous moan to signify her absolute
satiety with the performance of her
also at that point be directed to senting the highest possible male counterpart. Orgasms always
any complementary materials. Ex- achievement in human ambition take place simultaneously. After in-
ample: Pervert, (See You). To and scholarship, this book should tercourse is complete and has been
provide context and aid in the serve not only as a repository of repeated in the linen closet, atop
understanding of the more complex past generations wisdom, but also the kitchen table, and out where no
visual concepts, there are more than as a tool for the enrichment and il- one but the stars can see you, cham-
1,100 charts and illustrations lumination of those who will one pagne is consumed. Everyone then
throughout the book, most of day inherit the mantle of human smiles, looks deeply into one an-
which ought not in any way titillate, culture. What is more, this most others eyes, and sleeps peacefully,
arouse, or otherwise encourage a noble pursuitin all the eons of confident in their sexuality and the
lustful or onanistic response among mans search for truth, perhaps the knowledge that they are well-
readers. More broadly, this books most comprehensive of its kindis adjusted, emotionally open and
mission is to gather the worlds ac- vital to the betterment and, indeed, vulnerable individuals with no psy-
cumulated knowledge into one ex- the very success of civilization it- chic wounds, inhibitions, or inti-
haustive, definitive volume. Repre- self. You sick fuck. macy issues, totally normal, just like
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S Seychelles Blood Orchid to Slump

everybody else. Shakur, Tupac (b. June 16, 1971 section? Well, cmon now, wed bet-
Seychelles Blood Orchid, rare, d. Sept. 13, 1996), iconic gangsta ter get you back home.
crimson-petaled member of the rapper whose murder was totally Shrub, woody plant smaller than a
orchid family that is native to the unanticipated by the artist, who tree that generally holds from 4 to 7
Seychelles region. First classified by wrote such hit songs as Long Life pounds of cigarette butts, used con-
local botanists as a unique mutant Ahead Of Me, Dead At 79, and doms, and dried vomit.
plant varietal shortly after the ar- Retirin 2 Arizona N Collectin So- Sibling Rivalry, jealousy, competi-
rival of the Orb, the Seychelles cial Security Someday. tion, and often psychologically
Blood Orchid contains numerous Sheep, what all of the people at- damaging infighting between
deadly toxins that, when boiled and tending the Lincoln High School brothers and sisters that occurs
treated, are believed to possess Senior Prom are. when parents fail to clearly indicate
powerful, seemingly miraculous Sheesh, women. (See Women) which child they prefer.
age-defying properties. The Sey- Shingles, viral disease character- Sign Of The Cross, honorific ges-
SEYCHELLES chelles Blood Orchid has not been ized by a painful skin rash and ne- ture performed by Christians to
BLOOD ORCHID approved for any consumer or med- crotic blisters that one cant help mirror the shape of the cross by
Botanists believe the Seychelles
blood orchid is evolving at an
ical use and is currently being stud- but do a Google image search of. touching ones forehead, chest, left
unnaturally rapid pace, growing ied by a major scientific research Shoe, footwear item designed to shoulder, and right shoulder, then
larger and more potent every year.
group based in the Seychelles. protect and comfort the human extending both arms out to the side,
Shakespeare, William (baptized foot by gently encasing it in a deli- crossing ones legs, screaming,
Apr. 26, 1564 d. Apr. 23, 1616), Eng- cate array of rubber, plastic, canvas, Youch! and slumping over.
lish playwright, poet, and six sepa- leather, or other firm yet supple ma- Silly Putty, fun, goopy, bouncy toy
rate individuals known for penning terials. Over time, shoes have come made from silicone polymer that
such masterpiec- to be fabricated in a wide variety of was inadvertently produced by the
es as A Midsum- sizes, shapes, textures, and smells U.S. military during attempts to
mer Nights smells that arent truly experienced construct an interrogation device
Dream, Macbeth, without getting your nose deep that would viciously flense the skin
As You Like It, down in there and really taking a from enemy prisoners. Originally
and Hamlet. Born full, deep breath. Really smell it. code-named Termination Putty,
in 1550, 1561, 1564, and again in Necessity and technology have re- the malleable, doughlike material
1572, and raised by all 12 of his par- sulted in vast varieties of highly spe- was formulated to remove a prison-
ents and two stepmothers in Strat- cialized shoe types, even though ers epidermis down to the fat layer,
ford, Canterbury, York House, sometimes you just need a shoe you resulting in loss of bladder and
Cambridge, and 20 years earlier as a can get all dirty, just caked in filth, bowel control and ultimately caus-
member of the high court in Ox- until you have to spend several ing a slow, intensely painful death
ford, the Bardwho was also hours cleaning it off by hand. Me- from septic infection; instead,
known as Francis Bacon, Christo- ticulously scrubbing that shoe over researchers made the delightful
pher Marlowe, and Edward de and over with a toothbrush, then discovery that newsprint would
Vereis regarded as the greatest working fine, pine-scented oils transfer onto the substance when it
writer in the English language. De- deep into the leather, so deep, until was mushed on the funny papers.
Shroud Of Turin, relic that some spite Shakespeares many accom- it smells and feels like it did when Sing, Hop, looks like someone beat
believe to be the very sheet Christ plishments, which included com- you first removed it from its box you to it, flatfoot. The Chinaman
used to wipe his face and body
posing 154 sonnets and serving as and caressed it with the care of a cashed his chips last night, real
down with after completing the
Galilee Half-Marathon in ad 28. head of the English Protestant mother first embracing her new- gruesome-like, too. Poor China-
church as Queen Elizabeth, schol- born child. Sometimes shoes man. Guess one of the round-eyes
ars believe the legendary playwright shouldnt even go on your feet, they finally had enough of all the starch
died penniless, wealthy, at the age of should go in your mouth. they put in the laundry around here.
16, a woman, from rheumatic fever, Shoulder, hey there little fella, No suspects. No witnesses. Just this
and as the only writer ever to have howd you get all the way over here, matchbook in his pocket: The Sa-
rivaled William Shakespeare. this far away from the Anatomy hara Club on Edgewater. (See Sa-
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E S

hara Club) tallest, fastest vomit-and-shit 41 and unmarried or still working

Stages Of Sleep
Six Flags, words largest industrial extractor on the planet, Kingda Ka. in the same unbearable job they
STAGE ONE
vomit and shit factory. Headquar- Skateboard, four-wheeled device vowed to leave years ago enter a Light sleep, in which the sleeper
tered in Grand Prairie, Texas, with designed by teenagers who had relaxed state wherein the body drifts in and out of conscious-
ness and is easily awakened
19 locations across the United grown frustrated and exhausted rebuilds itself and the brain dis- further missed opportunities to
get out of bed and update ones
States, Mexico, and Canada, the fac- with running back and forth in a charges accumulated tension. Every rsum.
tory processes hot dogs, Pepsi, half-pipe. 80 to 100 minutes, during REM
STAGE TWO
cheese fries, and funnel cake into Skin, helpful metric used to deter- sleep, valuable mental energy is di- All eye movement stops, and
more than 9 million gallons of mine if an applicant is a good fit for verted to dreams and subconscious cerebral activity becomes
extremely slow, interspersed
vomit and shit per annum. Once Ernst & Young. imagery instead of being used to re- with the occasional burst of
the raw materials have been fully Slam Dunk, one of the five things a alize a creative ambition, cultivate rapid brain waves. Scientists
believe these bursts are the
processed, the finished vomit and human male thinks about from ages relationships with old professional unconscious brain panicking
shit is discharged into rows of en- 7 to 14. contacts who could be helpful in upon suddenly realizing that life
is rapidly slipping away without
closed porcelain containment units, Sleep, restful period of uncon- the future, pay the cable bill, or find the sleeper being anywhere close
to reaching his or her full
or temporarily stored on the ground sciousness during which precious some meaningful way to exist be- potential.
in cases where the containment hours that could be spent building a fore its too late and life becomes
STAGE THREE
units are too far from the produc- more productive life and career are nothing more than a succession of Deep sleep, or delta sleep.
tion machinery. Six Flags New lost forever. During sleep, individu- bitter compromises. Most people People in this stage of sleep are
very difficult to awaken; in terms
Jersey plant currently claims the als untroubled by the fact they are require seven to nine hours of sleep of societal contributions and
each night in order to enjoy the full productivity, they may as well be
dead.
SLAVERY, extremely efficient labor model in which the entire restorative benefits of squandering
one-third of their limited time on REM (RAPID EYE
workforce is owned as property by the enterprise or entity with MOVEMENT) PERIOD
whom it is employed. Under this ingenious system, labor outlays are this earth just lying there under a Adults generally experience two
reduced to a slaves purchase price plus any expenditures necessary to to three REM periods during a
blanket. nights sleep. During this time,
house and feed him or her at the minimum subsistence level required Sleep Mask, cloth facial covering the heart rate increases, brain
for the slave to work. Because ancillary spending is negligible waves resemble those of
worn during sleep by individuals wakefulness and, during the
compared with less streamlined, more personal-liberty-oriented labor
who are not able to block out light cruelest irony inherent in sleep,
models, profit margins of up to 98 percent are possible in some cases. one dreams of a better life that
Slaves, who naturally maintain workforce continuity by laboring until because they do not have eyelids. could easily be within reach had
termination by old age or complete physical degradation, also Sufferers of the condition, most one foregone rest.
contribute compounded value to their employer in the form of commonly the result of a genetic
offspring, representing a savings in labor investment and training birth defect or eyelid amputation,
unmatched in any of the less productive work-by-consent systems.
favor the sleep mask for its softness
Because of the enormous fiscal and managerial benefits, slavery
remains a popular business model, with more slaves owned world- on the exposed cornea, as well as its
wide today than at any other point in its history. effectiveness in signaling that the
person is indeed asleep and not just
staring at the ceilinga problem
that plagued the eyelidless until the
sleep mask was invented in 1983.
Sleep masks also serve to shield the
eyes from mites that would other-
wise burrow in exposed tear ducts.
Slug Year, astronomical unit equiv-
alent to the distance a non-shelled
terrestrial mollusk travels in a single
year, or 9.448 10-3 km (31 feet). Ski, long, narrow piece of
Slump, when youre just not bring-
material that is fastened on the
feet in order to prepare oneself for
ing it entry after entry like you used the mobility restrictions of a
A slave-based economy is entirely self-regulating, free from oversight by
any outside agency or entity.
to (See Roll), the text isnt any- wheelchair.
where near as good as it was, and
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S Small Business to Joseph Stalin

you start to question if anyone is

even going to buy this goddamn SOCRATES (b. 469 bc d. 399 bc),
pointless abortion of a book. ancient Greek philosopher who
Small Business, ha ha ha! Ha ha ha credited his lifelong pursuit of
knowledge to the encouragement he
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Ha! Sorry,
received from his former philosophy
sorry. In all seriousness, best of teacher, Paul Herman, an adjunct
luck. Really. professor at Athens University. In 448
Smithsonian, Washington, D.C., bc, Socrates, then a sophomore
cultural repository dedicated to studying business administration,
preserving the right of all Ameri- enrolled in Hermans Survey of Great
Thinkers course in order to fulfill the
cans to look at a glass-encased dis-
humanities requirement of his major;
play of Archie Bunkers chair. he soon found himself transfixed by
Sneeze, sudden reflexive expulsion Hermans lectures and urged his friends
of breath that briefly directs the at- and classmates to take at least one class
Professor H is
Snow, try, if you can, to tention of every organism on earth with the charismatic professor, who the best.
remember a time when this Socrates said made philosophy Socrates, 385 bc
excited you to the very core of toward the individual who pro-
interesting, accessible, and even fun.
your being. duced it. The moment a sneeze is
Herman detected a philosophical bent in young Socrates and acted
released, all living things, ranging as his adviser, loaning him more advanced philosophy books and
from the simplest single-celled bac- engaging him in animated discussions during office hours or after
terium to the entire human race, class in a nearby pub. When Socrates graduated in 446 bc, Herman
suspend activity to turn in the di- wrote him a glowing letter of recommendation and was always good
rection of the person responsible. about mentioning him whenever a job opened up in philosophy or
related fields of wisdom.
Side effects of sneezing include
compelling heliotropic flowers to
lean away from the sun in the direc- after the contestants repeatedly kick graduate teaching assistant and an
tion of the sneezer, and the tempo- it into submission and can grab it abundantly perceptiveand abun-
rary cessation of movement among with their hands. dantly prettyyoung undergradu-
all known matter in the universe, Socialism, political system that es- ate sitting together in the corner of a
especially if the sneeze takes place sentially mirrors the teachings darkened bar off campus, not as in-
in a library or during a wedding of Jesus on a widespread socio- structor and pupil, but as two adults
ceremony. economic level, though that idea is who are just happy to share each
Soccer, sport in which two teams rejected by both the followers of Je- others company. While sociolo-
of 11 players compete against an sus and the followers of socialism. gists generally investigate various
elusive, clever ball. Relying on a Socialization, process by which so- interrelated, socioeconomic factors
combination of speed, endurance, cietal norms and standards are within a given culture or subculture
and cunning, soccer players attempt punched into a person. in search of an appropriate case
to chase down and capture the Sociology, study of the develop- study, sometimes the very best, and
shrewd ball by trapping it in one of ment, structure, and functioning of most promising, case studies are sit-
two nets on each side of the field. human society, certainly, but isnt ting right in front of ones eyes
One ball-catching technique that is sociology also about a TA and an that is if one is willing to throw cau-
often used, typically when other attractive, intelligent student inter- tion to the wind and see where the
SOCCER
strategies have failed, involves both acting over drinks after a thought- night leads.
Two players attempt to pinion a wily
soccer ball between their foreheads teams pretending to stop playing so provoking lecture about positivism? Softball, bat and ball sport in which
before it can escape again.
that the ball thinks the game is over. The study of sociology investigates somebody has to tell Eric that hes
If done correctly, the ball will relax human behavior in its collective as- not good enough to play third base,
and let its guard down, making it pect, which can be applied on a and that even though this is only an
more susceptible to ambush. A broad scale to entire human societ- office-wide softball league, its no
match is won when the ball escapes ies and civilizations, or to some- fun to get 10-run-ruled every game
competitors with an evasive roll or thing as simple, yet stimulating, as a because Eric is missing easy ground-
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E S

ers and cant make the throw to first. ber of the 1887 committee to devise display her corpse were she to leave The Solar System
Played on a smaller diamond than a humane way to execute criminals him. Though Spector largely stayed
Sun
in baseball, somebody also needs to suggested, Electric chair, which, out of the public eye during his Star that humanity
let Eric know that he cant bat clean- following a long, uncomfortable legendary five-decade career of for some reason
stopped
up anymore. pause, prompted Southwicks col- terrorizing people with firearms, worshipping like
Soil, rare, full-bodied dirt with a leagues to agree that was the most the reclusive gunplay genius com- the One True
dense brown color, notes of clay, a messed up thing theyd ever heard. pleted his magnum opus of sadistic God that it is

beautiful bouquet of earthy over- While Southwick explained his idea violence against women in 2003 Mercury
tones that mingle gracefully with to strap convicts to a specially built when he fatally shot a restaurant On the short list to be
demoted to dwarf planet if it
dreck, dust, and a hint of grit. wooden chair that would essentially hostess and former actress in the doesnt really wow NASA
Sonic-Neural Agitator, experimen- cook them to death by sending face in his Los Angeles home. during its next survey
tal weapon, known colloquially as a electricity through their bodies, dis- Sports Illustrated, sports-themed
Venus
SNAg, which was developed during turbed board members mouthed periodical that was popular for sev- Unspeakably arid, craggy,
the Second Phase of the Seychelles the words My God to one another eral decades before publishers fig- desertlike wasteland
named after the
War. Scientists in the Van Braak before finally asking, Jesus Christ, ured out that they needed to create Romangod of love and
Laboratory in Rotterdam were Alfred. Where is this coming from? a service whereby sports fans could beauty
attempting to isolate a sonic fre- Southwick further explained that have the magazine shouted at them
Earth
quency that would temporarily using alternate current as opposed by a man with a goatee. Rather Other than the cheeseburger, the
nullify the brains pain centers for to direct current would be more le- than continuing to publish long, trampoline, and a couple
of other things, more or
surgery when they inadvertently thal, at which point New York gov- thoughtful pieces accompanied by less like Mars
stumbled upon one that activates ernor David B. Hill turned to stunning color photographs, the
Southwick and asked, Is this what editorial board eventually deter- Mars
Fourth planet from the sun
you think about when your patients mined that Sports Illustrated would that once had water,
sit in your dentist chair, Alfred? be far more accessible and enter- according to geological
evidence such as channels, valleys,
Electrocuting them? The meeting taining if it involved a heavyset guy and elevated lifeguard chairs
them permanently, producing a concluded with members agreeing with gelled hair yelling half-formed
sensation test subjects described as that, while Southwick was indeed a opinions and idiotic observations. Jupiter
Gas giant that makes
having rusty bolts pierced through sick fuck, seeing someone fry in an Various market research found that one anxious to move
every inch of their flesh. Despite the electric chair could be a pretty cool customers did not want to read ar- on to Saturn. Oh,
those rings!
general success of the weapon in thing to watch. ticles to acquire information about
staving off the Sino-Quint Army, Sparta, ancient Greek city-state individual players or upcoming Saturn
Emperor Oberons newly devel- that allowed gays to serve openly in matchups, but preferred to listen to Has a
1,513,325,783-
oped Manchurian TekForce proved the military a full 3,000 years before the grating voice of a profusely km aphelion, though
strangely resistant to the SNAg the United States of America. sweating, ruddy-faced man who that hardly seems like the single fact
that should be cited about Saturn
weaponry, an error that would Spector, Phil (b. Dec. 26, 1939), screams stupid comments as spittle
eventually cost the Western Alli- world renowned misogynistic, gun- flies out of his mouth. Uranus
Depending on whether
ance dearly. wielding psycho- Springsteen, Bruce (b. Sept. 23,
one begins at the Sun or at
Sound, oscillating vibration created path. Spector is 1949), American actor and come- Pluto, the point at which
by a man in a hallway screaming at hailed as a dian best known for his popular one is either still relatively
tolerant or sick to death of planet
his girlfriend that hes going to groundbreaking Jersey Guy character. facts
smack the shit out of her if she pioneer in the Stalin, Joseph (b. Dec. 18, 1878
doesnt shut her mouth that is de- fields of holding d. Mar. 5, 1953), former Soviet pre- Neptune
Will sometimes break out
tected by ones sense of hearing people at gunpoint and making mier and feared dictator who is gen- of its orbit and whip
while sitting alone in ones apart- women fear for their lives, and he is erally regarded as far less monstrous around Saturn for a few
loops
ment, wondering if one should call credited with being the first lunatic than Hitler since Stalin only killed
the police. ever to have a gold coffin with a 20 million human beings, while Pluto
Ninth planet in the solarjust
Southwick, Alfred P. (b. 1826 glass top made and put in his base- Hitler killed as many as 11 million.
kidding, get the fuck out of here,
d. 1898), respected dentist from ment for the purposes of threaten- As leader of the Soviet Union, Sta- Pluto
Buffalo, New York, who as a mem- ing to murder his wife and openly lin achieved some infamy for round-
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S

SCORING
SPORTS, ongoing athletic competition with over Goal: 1 point
Touchdown: 6 points
Tee: 2 points
Jump: 3 points
Basketball Net: 50
points
500,000 teams and 6 billion professional and amateur Touch Home Plate: 1 Kick Field Goal: Minus Touch Basketball Rim:
participants playing a game using several dozen varieties point 3 points 100 points
Hole-In-One: 1 point Somersault: 4 points Gold Medal: 200
of ball and numerous sticks, bats, racquets, paddles, clubs, points
Catch: 1 point Spin Football On Tip:
gloves, hats, helmets, poles, bases, ramps, goals, horses, Pass: 1 point 14 points Grand Slam Dunk: 18
mats, tracks, and a variety of nets. Sports has many Platinum points
Throw: 1 point Bounce Rubber Ball
Against Wall: 1 point Lose Brand-New
rulesincluding not going out of bounds and winning by Punch: 1 point
per bounce Batting Glove: Minus
having the most pointsand is generally played by Steal: 1 point 40 points
Climb Pitching
Stiff Arm: 1 point Spill Gatorade On
individuals, or players, who are talented at athletics. The Pitch: 1 point
Mound: 7 points
Front Of Shirt: Minus
Knock Diver Off
current score of sports is 4,305,382 to 3,957,387. Michael 100 MPH Pitch: 300 3-Meter Platform: 25
100 points
Jordan is generally regarded as one of the best sports points points Retrieve Flag From
Shot: 2 points Tub Filled With
players, having won sports for 12 years, 10 of those consecutively. Other notable Kick Opponents Face:
Interception: 2 points Mashed Potatoes:
30 points
sports players include Joe Montana, Marylou Retton, Babe Ruth, and Justin Fumble: 2 points Roll Ball: 1 point per
1,000 points
Dump Gatorade On
Gibson of Omaha, Nebraska, an 11-year-old who recently scored six points for his Cartwheel: 2 points foot traveled
Coach: 10,000 points
Cross Finish Line: 1 Throw Wadded-Up
sports team. Sports is watched by an audience of sports fans, who follow sports Paper Into Garbage: 2
Catch Frisbee
point
avidly and are familiar with whatever is currently happening in the game of sports. Between Legs:
Shower: 10 points points if close; 3 points
200,000 points
if from across room
Home Run: .025 points
Back Flip: 80 points
Place Golf Ball On
Successfully Swat

THE FIELD
OF PLAY

If a quarterback loses his ball out of A javelin must be caught while at least When a player is fouled in the act of
THE BASIC
RULES OF SPORTS bounds, he is forced to drop a new ball one ski is in bounds, otherwise the pass is shooting or cycling, he takes one free
where it crossed the boundary line and ruled incomplete throw, does one somersault tuck off the
Players forbidden from going out of resume the half-pipe from there high board, and three backhand springs. If
Players forbidden from tackling archer on
bounds he completes all three tasks successfully
A team may have no more than 14,564 diving board he is awarded one point
Competitor holding ball only allowed to players or 84 horses on the field at any
An offensive player will be called offsides
take three steps before tackling opponent single time A game of sports ends when everyone
if the referee, umpire, and line judge dies
attempting to mount pommel horse
Holding the arms of a boxer having his determine that the player crossed the blue
Sumo wrestlers are automatically tires changed is a foul, and costs the line, red line, yellow line, foul line, and Infield fly rule is in effect
disqualified if their feet cross the three-point defensive linebacker two strokes neutral zone before his or her teammates
line arrived on the noon stagecoach

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ing up and deporting millions of ment without spending any more tility toward all who would seek to
innocent people to concentration time or energy obsessing over the take refuge there. At the base of the
camps over a period of roughly 21 film or its subsequent sequels and Statue of Liberty is a bronze plaque
years, an uncon- prequels. While Star Wars was a inscribed with the sonnet The
scionable record popular merchandising event at the
that most people time, there is currently no real col-
agree pales in lectibles market for the toys,
comparison to clothes, and posters that were made STAR WARS
that of Hitler, who for the movie, since the vast major- While they were happy to drop their
rounded up and deported millions ity of fans quickly grew tired of play- children off at the theater, most
former Star Wars fans had no desire
of innocent people to concentra- ing with useless plastic knickknacks to see a new film in a franchise they
tion camps over a period of roughly and threw them in the garbage. had long since outgrown.

12 years. In addition, Hitler is Starbucks, Seattle-based chain of

thought to be the greater psycho- coffeehouses founded in 1971 that
path because he sought to eliminate has convinced millions of consum-
anyone in his country who was not ers to shrug and tell themselves that
deemed a pure Aryan, while Stalin maybe coffee is supposed to taste
sought to, and did, eliminate any- this way. With more than 19,000 lo-
one in his country who was not a cations in more than 58 countries,
pure Soviet, as well as millions who Starbucks has been responsible for
were. It is commonly believed that a boom in coffee consumption
Stalins record of mass violence and worldwide as well as for customers
abuse is easier to bear than Hitlers, wincing a little, grimacing at the fla-
since Hitler was opposed by the vor, but then thinking, well, these New Colossus, which includes the
combined forces of the Western people must know what theyre do- famous line, give me your tired,
world and committed suicide in dis- ing since coffee is supposed to be your poor, your huddled masses, so
grace, while Stalin was never held their whole thing, right? You know, that I may trample them and pull
accountable for his actions and Seattle and everything? Despite its the meat from their bones.
lived nearly two decades longer. positive public image, Starbucks Statutory Rape, sort of a stupid law,
Star Wars, George Lucasdirected has been involved in a number of right?
1977 science-fiction/fantasy film labor disputes, most of which go Steinbeck, John (b. Feb. 27, 1902
whose grown-adult fans now recog- unseen by ordinary customers tak- d. Dec. 20, 1968), Nobel Prize
nize it as nothing more than a child- ing a sip and guessing theyd proba- winning American author of 27
ish diversion that has absolutely no bly appreciate the bitter, oddly books, including the one with the
relevance to their lives, and is cer- burnt taste if they were more of a retarded guy who accidentally kills
tainly not worth holding onto as coffee connoisseur. the woman because he likes soft
some sort of important emotional Statistic, scientific measure of an things. With an uncanny ear for dia-
or cultural touchstone. The film, attribute that causes one to imme- lect and a gift for crafting rich char- Stringed Bongo Horn, early
which has not proved particularly diately wish one did not just hear it. acters, Steinbeck also wrote the musical instrument believed to
influential in hindsight, revolves Statue Of Liberty, colossal sculp- book where the woman breast- be the precursor to all modern
string, percussion, and brass
around a group of intergalactic he- ture erected in New York Harbor in feeds a grown man because hes dy-
instruments. While no original
roes who band together to free their 1886 to intimidate and frighten off ing and the one with the Mexican models still exist, 15th-century
galaxy from the clutches of an evil immigrants to America. With its guy who finds a big pearl or some- sketches suggest the stringed
empirea ridiculous tale many spiked helmet, massive flaming thing and is so stupid he throws it bongo horn was a trumpetlike
device with a taut rawhide
people found captivating only as club menacingly held aloft, and away instead of selling it for a bunch
membrane stretched over the
8-year-old children, before they perhaps most terrifyingits piti- of money. opening of the bell and fiber
grew up, moved on with their lives, less dead-eyed stare, the 150-foot Stem Cell, extremely versatile un- strings connecting the drumhead
and pursued other interests and copper statue was intended to be an differentiated cell that will take on to the mouthpiece.
more mature forms of entertain- enduring symbol of Americas hos- the properties of whatever political
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S Storm to Swiss Guard

platform it is placed next to. teacher, who trained her famously frankly, in an encyclopedia, you just
Storm, meteorological reminder deaf and blind student first in obe- dont have the luxury of second
that humans are soft, weak, and ill- dience and the manual and braille chances. Now, because its best to
suited for survival anywhere. alphabets, and later in stealth re- just admit when youve made a mis-
Stranger, any person one has not connaissance, demolitions, and take, we want to apologize, first and
seen the full bare ass of. In order to close-quarters combat. After teach- foremost, to our readers. You
achieve proper acquaintance with deserve better and have come to
another individual, ones eyes must expect a certain level of profession-
be at buttocks level, making sure to alism that was clearly lacking here.
examine both cheeks, the crack top Second, though you have every
STRING THEORY to bottom, without blinking for no right to hold this against us, it would
This diagram either encapsulates fewer than 15 seconds. be nice if you could show some un-
the beautiful complexity of the
subatomic world or is something a Stress, physio-psychological re- derstanding. The simple fact is
fifth-grader doodled absentmindedly sponse to harmful or potentially there are more than 2,000 entries in
before throwing it in the trash.
harmful stimuli that can only be al- this encyclopedia, and not every
leviated by incessantly discussing one can be a winner. Again, sorry.
its existence with coworkers, family, Sun, star at the center of the solar
friends, therapists, acquaintances, system that, if it had any mercy at
and spouses. all, would just explode now instead
String Theory, particle physics ing Keller the basics of communica- of 5 billion years in the future and
concept attempting to reconcile tion by having her spell words into put Earth out of its misery.
quantum mechanics and general her hands, Sullivan moved on to Sunflowers, series of still-life paint-
relativity that is either the most ele- knife work and choke holds, two ings by Vincent van Gogh, each of
gant, all-encompassing theory disciplines in which Keller demon- which was composed by using a
about the universe in history, or to- strated a remarkable natural ability. two-mile-thick layer of paint. Spe-
tal bullshit. Positing that electrons Sullivan was a lifelong inspiration cial museums must be built with
and quarks within an atom are not and companion to Kellerwho by walls that extend two miles behind
zero-dimensional objects but one- that point had become fluent in six the art just to house the paintings.
dimensional stringsa paradigm- forms of martial artsand accom- Super Bowl, NFL championship
shattering idea that could alter our panied her on speeches across the game that whittles down all 32 pro-
understanding of reality or just be globe, most of which were covers fessional teams to two and declares
the most useless nonsense ever for covert wet-work operations. To- them both co-champions for that
thought up by a human brain gether the duo was responsible for year. Started in 1967 to remedy the
string theory is a way to mathemati- more than a dozen political assassi- prior championship system, in
cally calculate matter in one com- nations from Eastern Europe to which one team inevitably lost and
plete system, or is an utter waste of Latin America and for authoring went home feeling terribly disap-
time that future generations will several books. pointed after putting in so much
laugh hysterically at. Brilliant or idi- Sumerian, underwater warship de- work over a long season, the Super
otic, ingenious or the equivalent of signed with a streamlined hull to Bowl equally rewards the two
saying, A big cheesecake will be the operate completelyah shit, um, champions of the American and
Stupid Geese, large waterfowl
that crap all over the lawn and next emperor of China, string the- an ancient Babylonian civilization National Football Conferences for
pull up all the goddamn grass, ory is considered a leader for the that lived in thenope, never playing at such a commendably
these pains in the ass can grow to Theory of Everything, or absolutely mind, were done. Sorry. You cant high level. The Super Bowl is one of
have a wingspan of up to 60
nothing. bounce back from something like the most-viewed television broad-
inches and can also go to hell.
Success, state of having accumu- that. Thats a major, major fuckup casts each year, with hundreds of
lated more money than the current right there. We had our shot at a Su- millions of rabid football fans tun-
partner of ones ex. merians entry, got it mixed up with ing in to watch both teams congrat-
Sullivan, Annie (b. Apr. 14, 1866 submarine, and, basically, we blew ulate each other, take turns posing
d. Oct. 20, 1936), Helen Kellers it. We flat-out blew it. And, quite with the Vince Lombardi Trophy,
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E S

and celebrate their mutual accom- erting right-wing influence on U.S. that, since 1506, has been tasked
plishment in a shower of confetti law. Employing some of Americas with getting to know every square
composed of both teams colors. most prominent Christian intellec- inch of the popes body in order to
Supermodel, known in the original tuals, the conservative group issues protect him from physical harm.
German as the bermodell, the su- several policy papers each year ad- Candidates for the guard are put
permodel is Friedrich Nietzsches vocating for free enterprise, limited through a rigorous training regimen
concept of a perfect fashion model government, lax firearm regula- in which they must familiarize
that he believed the modeling in- tions, strong national security, themselves with each bend and
dustry should set for itself as a goal states rights, and corporate person- curve of the Holy Fathers physique Suburb, levee put in place to
prevent the unchecked spread
to attain. Nietzsche argued that hood, while strongly condemning by carefully observing him while he
of culture.
such a state of this-worldly perfec- such liberal causes as labor laws and delivers sermons or takes one of his
tion could only be attained when campaign finance reform. A mem- long, steaming-hot showers, so that
models rejected outsiders notions ber of the so-called Big Three con- they will be prepared to jump to the
of fashion and realized that true servative think tanks along with the Catholic leaders aid quickly, ten-
fashion begins and ends with the Heritage Foundation and the derly, and without hesitation. Occa-
supermodel itself, a state that he as- American Enterprise Institute, the sions will from time to time arise
serted could only be achieved Supreme Court has pushed an even during which it is necessary to
through the death of God. more right-wing agenda under abandon the gentle touch and
Supper, what families who punish chairman John Roberts, Jr., who roughly throw the pope onto a
their kids a little too severely call vowed to redouble the institutions nearby table or bed to keep him out
dinner. efforts to bring about nationwide of harms way. The guards, who
Supply Closet, out-of-the-way of- bans on gay marriage and abortion. must be between the ages of 19 and
fice storage room where imaginary Surfing, ancient sport in which 30, stand at least 5 foot 8, and have
romances between coworkers are participants ride waves on boards strong hands, an inviting smile, and
masturbated to. While primarily made from the skulls of their a natural intuition for the way a
used to store office supplies and slain enemies. Modern surfboards pontiff s bodystiff with age, yet
other work-related materials, are made of a carbon-fiber/skull yielding to the proper touchwill
supply closets also make an ideal composite. react to any situation, all take the
location for sneaking away and Sweater, knit or woolen garment following oath at their swearing in:
fumbling in the darkness with ones that can be broken down into two I vow to faithfully, honestly, and
own genitals while fantasizing types: really nice and stupid. honorably serve the pope and his SUPERMODEL
about a torrid love affair between Sweet, condition of having 60 legitimate successors; to dedicate The model is a rope, tied between
beast and supermodela rope over
the new woman in marketing and bucks in your pocket, a full tank of myself to understanding the subtle an abyss. Friedrich Nietzsche
the company vice president, or gas, and a three-day weekend ahead nuances of his male form, each muscle
ones boss and the cleaning lady, or of you. a pattern in the tapestry of his body;
practically anyone with anyone Swiss Guard, elite force of soldiers and to give my own life for him. I
else. While doing so, it is typically
best to shush ones self playfully so
that nobody hears one alone with
ones thoughts, pleasuring oneself
to the point of climax.
Supreme Court, small but influen-
tial Washington, D.C.based con-
servative think tank. With its
reputation as a leading conservative
voice on social, political, and eco- Members of the Swiss Guard
nomic matters, the think tank helps prepare for every conceivable
threat against the pope, whether
shape the national debate and has
he be fully dressed, wrapped in a
achieved remarkable success in ex- silk robe, or completely nude.
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S S y m p a t h y t o Ta p D a n c e

CITIES OF THE WORLD

Sydney
Wealthy, modern, thriving metropolitan center in
southern Australia where one can still be bitten by a
venomous snake, eaten alive by a great white shark,
or poisoned by a deadly spider. Founded in 1788,
Sydney boasts world-class golf courses where one
can be gored and devoured by a saltwater crocodile,
luxury five-star hotels in which one can be repeat-
edly envenomed by the cheliceral fangs of an
aggressive funnel-web spider that was hiding in the At least five deadly insects have probably found their way
SWAT, tactical unit trained to towels, and gorgeous beach resorts where one can inside the famed Sydney Opera House.
perform operations that fall step on a tiny blue-ringed octopusthe most
outside the skill set of normal poisonous animal on the planet, the toxic bite of when one is inevitably attacked by an inland taipan
police officers, such as running,
which does not respond to any known antidote. while riding any of the clean and modern trains and
clearly assessing a situation, and
Sydney also features a well-maintained infrastruc- buses, is extremely useful as swift conveyance to one
pointing a gun and shooting it at
the correct person. ture and excellent public transportation, which, of the citys many efficient, well-staffed hospitals.

likewise assume this promise toward complex simulation of condolence, which does not exist.
the members of the Sacred College of sympathy is expressed in order not Synagogue, Jewish house of prayer
Cardinals, each of whom is molded in to appear indifferent or unsympa- and community life that, frankly, is
Gods image with gentle, curving thetic when a friend or coworker not really that fazed by a broken
limbs, tender flesh, and eyes as big as loses a job or a grandparent. Physi- window or graffiti at this point.
acorns, and whom requires our cal characteristics of sympathy in- Thanks to countless previous inci-
intimate understanding and loyal, clude a contrived facial expression dents, most synagogues have equip-
watchful gaze. I swear to abide by all of concern, talking in a somber tone ment right on site to quickly
the requirements attendant to the of voice even though one doesnt remove swastikas from the front
dignity of my rank and to look at no feel even an inkling of actual sad- wall or clean eggs off the bronze
other infallible officiant with the same ness, and placing ones hand on the Star of David. Many synagogues
intensity for so long as I shall live. shoulder of the aggrieved and sigh- also serve as an event space for wed-
Sympathy, human emotion with ing. Sympathy is not to be confused dings and bar and bat mitzvahs,
which one pretends to feel sad with empathy, nor is it to be con- having in place a well-honed contin-
about another persons hardships. A fused with genuine compassion, gency plan to cover up the phrase
Die Kikes!!! on its street-facing
SUBADENAL GLAND, small almond-shaped organ adjacent welcome sign before any guests are
to the spleen that secretes a honey- and hickory-flavored chemical able to notice. A synagogues ad-
that keeps the human body moist and flavorful. ministrative staff usually has the cell
SYNAGOGUE
There are lots of great products out Erritelium Posterior Ranch Node
phone number of a local police de-
there now that will easily strip a Produces that mmm-mmm Provides cool, creamy tective on the bulletin board, but
spray-painted swastika off the doors homemade-smelling finish to the secretory
and not hurt the facade. enzyme so you know function
they dont really bother calling any-
its good more because its usually just easier
to take care of it themselves.

Adolescent
Spice Lobe
Tang
At puberty,
Ejaculatory
additional hickory
Duct
is introduced to
Infuses
give rapidly
muscles with
growing
sudden spike in
adolescents
levels of zestiness
extra zing
during times of stress

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E T

Table, piece of furniture featuring a

T
flat, horizontal surface and lacking
anything that might resemble
thought, feeling, or emotiona
table cant possibly know the enor-
mous amount of pain we are in, for
instanceand yet its very presence
is a strange source of comfort and
sturdiness in a world that often feels Tt .
cold and indifferent to humanitys Twentieth letter of the English
alphabet and the point at
fate, a world that might even be
which people have pretty
called blind to mans never-ending much made up their minds
search for love, compassion, and about whether the English
the reassuring presence of a reliable alphabet is the right one for
Carbon dating shows the Tablet of Pyrrus appears to be deteriorating in reverse, them. While seven additional
piece of wood or metal that will
actually becoming less worn over time. letters follow T, they are
never falter and never let us down. relatively insignificant
Supported by four legs and com- ple vaginas. Some countries, includ- to the newly opened Quint Muse- characters that play little role
monly found in both homes and of- ing the United Kingdom, have um in the Seychelles. in determining if a language
learner sticks with English or
fices, a table is neither a trusted ally highly codified table etiquette rules Taj Mahal, opulent mausoleum
moves on to a more
nor a close confidante, at least not and rigid proscriptions, a system built in 1653 by Shah Jahan as a interesting set of linguistic
by design, but perhaps the heart carefully designed to hide the fact tribute to his third wife, Mumtaz sounds.

finds value and companionship that one is fucking a hog in the rec- Mahal, that is considered a symbol
wherever it requires such virtues. tum while one enjoys ones soup. of the enduring love that can exist
After all, is not life itself a ceaseless Tablet Of Pyrrus, ancient artifact of between a man and the third
effort to conjure meaning where, in unknown age or origin, discovered woman he marries. The monu-
reality, there is none? It is with this in 286 bc by the Greek philosopher ments exquisite blend of Turkish,
eternal question in mind that we and mathematician Pyrrus, that ar- Persian, and Indian styles evokes
ask the reader to consider the table. chaeologists claim emits a low, the undying devotion that can only
Table Manners, rules of mealtime steady vibration only perceptible manifest itself after one completely
etiquette designed to obscure the when analyzed with sonic-neural botches two marriages, pulls his life
deranged sexual debauchery taking technology. Pyrrus, who believed back together, and then finally finds
place beneath the table. Table man- the tablet contained the source of his soul mate on the third try. Lo-
ners are observed differently across all human knowledge, studied it for cated in Agra, India, the Taj Mahal
cultures, but generally include decades before going insane, is visited by almost 3 million tour-
guidelines for proper cutlery usage, scratching the phrase ists each year and is an ideal back-
serving order, and the direction in on his library wall and tak- drop for a man whos made a midlife
which food should be passed, all in ing his own life. The 2-foot-by-2- career change, and probably has
service of drawing attention away foot sandstone artifact features two kids in high school, to ask for a
from the asshole-fingering, rough indecipherable symbols and an third wifes hand in marriage.
hand jobs, and fist-fucking that are etching of a glowing orb-like object Taoism, Chinese religious philoso-
happening just below the hem of that appears to be emanating some phy that involves living in harmony
the tablecloth. Additionally, polite pulsating force as it hovers over an with pollution, destroyed ecosys-
TAJ MAHAL
expressions such as please and orchid. This same motif also ap- tems, overpopulation, unsafe work- A breathtaking monument to love
thank you are frequently used pears in numerous Egyptian hiero- ing conditions, and human rights that the Shah Jahans first and
second wives never would have
when observing good table man- glyphs, Incan artwork, pre-imperial violations. appreciated.
ners as a way of drowning out the Japanese sculpture, and cave draw- Tap Dance, form of dance in which
rhythmic sucking sounds that ac- ings recently discovered in south- the performer pretends his or her
company dripping wet dildos being ern Spain. The tablet disappeared metal-tipped shoes are being used
violently thrust in and out of multi- during transit from northern Africa as a percussive instruments when in
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T Ta p a s t o Te m p e ra t u r e

fact the sounds are being made by a

concealed speaker broadcasting the THE 27TH PRESIDENT OF THE grooming him as his successor.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
same recording that has been used With Roosevelts support, Taft
William Howard Taft easily won the presidency as a
since 1898.
(b. Sep. 15, Republican in 1909. During his
Tapas, ugh.
1857 d. Mar. one term in office, Taft pursued
Taunt, most effective method for 8, 1930), a domestic policy of trust-
making fistfights someone elses 27th U.S. busting aimed at breaking up
fault. president, big business concerns, and an
Taxation, system by which slimy 10th chief ambitious foreign policy aimed
justice of the at world peace. However, Taft
IRS stooges reach right into your
United also alienated most of his key
wallet with their grubby little States, and the only person to constituencies and was
fingers and rob you blind for the have served in both offices. Born overwhelmingly defeated in the
TATTOO, permanent ink
marking inscribed beneath the purpose of maintaining a safe, func- in Cincinnati, Taft graduated 1912 presidential election.
skin that is used to communi- tioning society. The government from Yale College in 1878 President Warren G. Harding
cate ones willingness and sons of bitches, who are always before attending Cincinnati Law appointed Taft chief justice in
availability to give a hand job. School. He served on the Ohio 1921, a position that saw Taft
looking for new ways to take what
Superior Court beginning in serving alongside justices he
Tinkerbell, ankle rightfully belongs to you, steal your 1887 and in 1891 was appointed himself had appointed. Most
Anytime, anywhere hard-earned money in broad day- both solicitor general of the notable, however, is the fact that
Sun, lower back light just so they can provide you United States and a judge on the this entry was completed
Outdoors during daylight and other members of society with Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals. without making mention of how
hours; can occur at tanning health care and maintain streets for In 1904, President Theodore enormously fucking fat
salon in the event of rain Roosevelt appointed Taft President William Howard Taft
you to drive on. On occasion, the
Anchor, shoulder secretary of war and began was.
filthy snakes promise to lower the
0200 hours, engine room
rate of taxation, but unfortunately,
Dinosaur, upper torso we live in a world where greedy bu- lifestyle on the field. Tea Trolley Set, item people are re-
Between 9 a.m. and 7 p.m.,
reaucratic bandits are allowed to Tchaikovsky, Pyotr Ilyich (b. May quired by federal law to dispose of
Monday through Thursday
take the shirt clean off your fucking 7, 1840 d. Nov. 6, 1893), famed by rolling into the Grand Canyon.
Butterfly, calf
back to protect the country from Russian composer of the Romantic Technology, tools, techniques, and
Anytime, anywhere
foreign enemies and keep your kids era who sadly never lived to hear his systems that allow tiresome people
Crucifix, any part of body
school open. Piano Concerto No. 1 In B-Flat to make the unoriginal, clichd ar-
Does not give hand jobs for
some reason but will do pretty Taylor, Lawrence (b. Feb. 4, 1959), Minor piped through the sound sys- gument that society is becoming
much anything else former linebacker for the New York tem of the Denver International more closed off and reliant on tech-
Giants known for his hard-partying Airport. nology, while their friends humor
them by nodding and saying,
Mmm-hmm. Beginning with the
WHITE BLOOD CELLS POSTHUMOUSLY
AWARDED PURPLE HEART prehistoric discovery of fire and the
Zachary Taylor invention of the wheel, technology
(b. Nov. 24, 1784 d. July 9, 1850), famed Army has assisted humans in controlling
general and 12th U.S. president who died in office their physical environment, and
while valiantly defending his digestive tract in the has allowed them to repeat the
Battle of Gastroenteritis. Already a national hero
hackneyed claim that people are in-
for defeating a much larger Mexican army at the
Battle of Buena Vista, Taylor commanded his immune system capable of having meaningful face-
courageously against the bacterial toxins that invaded his stomach to-face conversations with one
and small intestine in 1850, but ultimately perished before adequate another anymore as listeners won-
reinforcements of soft foods and ipecac could arrive. Rumors persist, der if the speaker is aware he is
however, that Taylor was actually assassinated for his moderate making a point that has been made
position on slavery, a suggestion his descendants say falsely casts
hundreds of thousands of times
doubt on the bravery of both their ancestor and the antibodies who
fought so gallantly by his side. before, including by the speaker
himself three days earlier when he
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said the exact same goddamn thing. phone. The best-known telegraph moaning in intense pain, desperate
While credited with lessening phys- machine was devised in 1837 by for any relief from their own sen-
ical barriers to communication by Samuel Morse, whose code system tience. Television was first devel- Most-Watched
allowing humans to interact freely based on an alphabet of dots and oped in the early 1900s, but it was Television
Broadcasts
on a global scale, technology has dashes enabled millions of annoyed not until the 1950s that the device FRIENDS (2004)
also shortened some peoples atten- operators to send messages directly could be mass produced, after Episode in which Ross and
Rachel watched the final
tion spans and may be causing new to Bell that read, What are you which it was placed inside millions episode of Seinfeld together
forms of addiction, an observation waiting for? Lets go, dipshit! and of homes so families would no lon-
that isnt really worth bringing up Quit taking your sweet time, Bell! ger have to spend evenings sobbing ROOTS (1977)
The popularity of the final
because it will more than likely ex- We want to talk to each other like uncontrollably and thrashing about installment led to a movement
that succeeded in getting the
tend a conversation that absolutely actual human beings already! The on their living room floors until slavery era added to U.S.
nobody wants to have. telegraph was finally taken out of they passed out. It was soon discov- history textbooks
Teepee, Native American structure popular use in 1876 when Bell ered that television can continue to
CHEERS (1993)
that can vary in size from the back- stopped being so unaccountably relieve the suffering of the human Remembered for the seriess
yard garden teepee, where lawn thickheaded and spent the 45 min- tragedy even when absent, so long final shot in which Norm
silently and calmly eats 30
mowers are usually stored, to the utes it probably took to figure out as one talks continuously about plates of nachos all alone in a
darkened bar
massive skyscraper teepees that dot how to get the telephone to ring. television with others until he or
the horizons of many major U.S. Television, early 20th-century in- she is back in the presence of the THE JOHN
LARROQUETTE SHOW
cities. vention that enabled people to fi- device. (1994)
Telegraph, form of long-distance nally stop constantly rolling around Temperature, measurement of the For reasons that still remain
unclear, an October 3 episode
communication that was used all on the ground due to the unbear- amount of fire present on an object, titled A Bird In The Hand
over the world while everyone able agony and existential angst of body, or substance. Objects with no drew a nationwide television
audience of 145 million
waited for inventor Alexander Gra- self-awareness. Before television, fire are fairly cold, while objects viewers
ham Bell to take his thumb out of human beings would spend the vast with fire are quite hot. Thermome-
WHOS THE BOSS? (1992)
his ass and start inventing the tele- majority of their lives writhing and ters are commonly used to detect Much-anticipated episode in
which live-in housekeeper
Tony finally had sex with
Jonathan Bower
TECTONIC PLATE, 30-mile-thick segment of the earths outer shell composed of granitic and
basaltic rock that shifts when moved around by massive subterranean monsters. The seven major plates MAGNUM P.I. (1988)
and six minor plates that together form the crust of the earth are chained to the backs of 15 colossal 50 million people gathered to
creaturesTecton, Slagg, Dextrax, Skoria, Bazlat, Plator, Moglus, Rabizxt, Gwondar, Tarctic, Acific, watch the shows series finale at
Tom Sellecks house
Granok, Strralia, Krrosst, and Thamericwho were banished to the lithosphere during the cooling
phase of the planets formation 4.5 billion years ago. Tectonic plates move at a rate of 1 to 4 inches per M*A*S*H (1983)
year, depending on how The most-watched prime-time
far the tortured beasts are telecast in history, which saw
the doctors of the 4077 pack up
able to drag them; camp, silently board buses, and
geological formations defect to North Korea
such as mountains and
SUPER BOWL
ocean trenches are (1967PRESENT)
formed when two Year after year, the most-
watched television event,
monsters fight or have eclipsing the World Cup of
seizures and the tectonic soccer by 700 million people
plates are forced through
the surface. Seismic
activity in the tectonic
plates will periodically
cause devastating tidal
waves and earthquakes as
a result of the mammoth
creatures lifting the plates
and peaking out from
underneath.

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T Te n C o m m a n d m e n t s t o T h i n g

the quantity of fire in life-forms, air,

CITIES OF THE WORLD
and water. The Celsius scale is the
most common unit for determining
Tehran
the number of fires, while the Fahr- Capital city of the Middle
enheit scale is used to measure fires Eastern nation of Iran that
has no idea what else it has
in the United States and elsewhere.
to do to get someone to
For example, 32 degrees Celsius is invade it, already. Tehran is
equal to 32 fires, but when home to 7 million people,
Downtown Tehran, which has all but given
converted to Fahrenheit is equiva- as well as an authoritarian up hope of a foreign army sweeping
lent to 89.6 fires. Absolute zero is theocratic government through it.
Telescope, optical instrument the point at which fire freezes, the that, despite the untold
designed to make distant celestial thousands of human rights abuses it has committed against its own
flames becoming very brittle and
objects appear nearer, typically people and the dangerous nuclear weapons program it continues to
attached to a hinged tripod that shattering. pursue, cannot seem to do the one thing that will get a Western
allows the user to quickly point Ten Commandments, set of biblical foreign power to just get it over with and roll right through the
the lens skyward as though thats principles and strict moral laws that middle of Azadi Square with tanks, goddamn it. What the hell is it
what he was doing all along. going to take, for crying out loud?
dont say anything about statutory
rape, which even God understood
to be a pretty dumb law not even Unlike some other court systems ments refuse to negotiate, although
worth addressing. Revealed to Mo- that just want to screw innocent maybe its worth trying just once to
ses at Mount Sinai, the religious people over, God had better things see what would happen and then
code bans murder and theft, but to do, like getting the laws that maybe terrorism would stop.
didnt, for good reason, set anything really mattered placed in the Ark of Terrorists engage in deadly or in-
down in stone about statutory rape, the Covenant. timidating acts in order to coerce a
because God felt it wasnt His place Tennis, racquet-based game that is government into accepting the
to set an arbitrary age at which one played until all three balls you terms of their demands, something
becomes sexually mature, mainly brought are hit over the fence. that entering into good-faith discus-
because He was well aware that in Terrorism, use of violence or sions would probably not prevent,
cases of statutory rape there is a lot threats of violence against a civilian but then again, how is it possible to
of gray area that just cant be fairly population carried out by extremist know for sure unless we try?
addressed in some stupid state law. groups with whom most govern- Couldnt hurt to try. Modern terror-

TELEPHONE, telecom- technology and fiber-optic

munications device devel- cables are used in lieu of
oped by Alexander Graham conventional wire technology,
Bell in the mid-1870s that allowing a person in Philadel-
makes it possible for a person phia, for instance, to completely
to lie to another person miles break down and say to a person
away by saying I love you. in Seattle that they cant keep
Using insulated wires to doing this. All its doing is
Terracotta Army, massive transmit electronic audio making both of us miserable. If
battalion of clay ceramic warriors, signals, telephones allow a youre not capable of being
horses, armored personnel person to say into a transmit- invested in this fucking
carriers, tanks, JF-17 Chinese ter, or microphone, Whats relationship, then just tell me
fighter jets, rocket launchers, and we can end it right now and both get on with
wrong? You sound preoccupied tonight, which is
radar operators, administrative our lives. Just be honest with me for once. By
heard through the telephone receiver, or speaker, of
clerks, and nuclear submarines
a person in another geographic location, who is placing a telephone handset back onto the base of
found in the tomb of the first
Chinese emperor, Qin Shi Huang. then able to abruptly snap back, Whats that the telephone, individuals are then able to cut off
supposed to mean? Im fine. Jesus, you always think the sound of another person yelling at them in
Im distracted or distant or something when Im desperate frustration, thus allowing them to weep
fine. In modern telephone networks, digital alone in the empty silence of their living room.

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ism usually involves events bloody rhetoric against the Soviet Union from the outside world. Humanity
and shocking enough to create a is no exception. A Conservative has forced itself to sit through
media spectacle and garner interna- Party member who emphasized de- countless theater productions over
tional attention, events that can regulation in the financial sector the years, which is considered a
happen to anyone at any time and in and the sale or closure of state- small price to pay for containing the
any place, so maybe extending a owned companies, Thatcher was 86 fragile egos and melodramatic
small olive branch to terrorists isnt years old at the time this entry was moods of societys extroverts.
the worst idea in the world, just in written, and is no more immune to Thermodynamics, set of physical
terms of feeling them out; if negoti- the ravages of time than you, me, or laws ensuring that nothing too awe-
ations work, then great, people can anyone else. Thatcher survived an some happens.
go back to living their lives without assassination attempt in 1984, Thing, any of a number of tangible
fear of becoming a target, and if it merely delaying the inevitable. and intangible entities that include,
doesnt work, well, then at least we Theater, designated enclosed space but are not limited to, shoes, music,
gave it a shot and were right back in which a societys most attention- gloves, windshields, trips to Am-
where we started in the first place. starved people are permitted to get sterdam, leaf peeping, thoughts, ex-
Nothing lost, nothing gained. out all their shouting, singing, and periences, and bottles. Things can
Thatcher, Margaret (b. Oct. 13, dancing. As far back as 2500 bc, be broken into two categories: good
1925), former prime minister of the theaters have allowed loud, dra- things and bad things. Sexual ten-
United Kingdom who could very matic people such as William sion and milk are two of several
well be dead by the time this en- Shakespeare, Italian opera tenor things that can fall into both catego-
cyclopedia comes out. People get Enrico Caruso, and actor Nathan ries. While a collection of perceiv-
old and they die, and Margaret Lane to yell and carry on within able or physical things is referred to
Thatcherknown for her tough soundproofed areas safely set apart as stuff, an accumulation of expe- THEATER
For thousands of years, theaters
have been used to keep the shrill
and needy safely isolated from
Time Dilation
TIME, one of the seven fundamental physical A phenomenon in space-time
Time society.
quantities in the International System of Units, Actually slows down as an
in which it is equally
object comes closer to the
accurate to say that this has
used to measure the interval between the moment been going on for only two
elementary school to pick
this all got out of hand and the moment she finally up its daughter and thinks,
months and that the normal
"Am I going to ruin her life
life you once had was a
finds out. There are two prevailing views on how million years ago.
for some waitress?"
time functions: Newtonian time states that time is
an empirical, universal flow extending from the
point at which this was just a casual fling where no
one was getting hurt to the point when that crazy
bitch started threatening to call Natalie and tell her
whats been going on unless you promise to leave
her and the kids. Relativistic time, conversely,
theorizes that time and space are interconnected,
and that time can be experienced differently along
OBSERVER
vectors such as speed and distance, evidenced by
how sometimes it can seem as though things are
E
moving way, way too quickly and you just need a SPAC

minute to clear your head, and at other points it

seems like time is standing still and you feel trapped Future Light
Cone
like a fucking rat in your life with no way out. Time Where everything
is an important measurement tool in the various will have gone to
complete shit and
disciplines of physics and can be used for solving ones life will be
problems as fundamental as determining how long Past Light Cone completely over.
Where it seemed like, at
it would take to strangle the life out of someone, one point, this wasnt a
dump the body where no one would ever find it, big deallike it was
Hypersurface Of The Present
just a little innocent fun,
and still be home in plenty of time to sit down and you know?
Where ones whole world is at this
very moment crumbling around him.
enjoy pizza night with your family.

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riences or events is a bunch of

things. A group of interests or a
field of expertise is considered
your thing or ones thing; an
unforeseen event, especially some-
thing that causes one to miss
dinner, is also a thing. In addition,
when one is thinking about saying
one thing, but says the opposite,
well, that can be a whole other
thing. An extremely bad experience
can give one a thing about that par-
ticular thing.
This Guy (b. Jan. 9, 1976), real piece
THIS GUY of work, this sonofabitch. Just look
There he is, the crazy SOB.
at him. Got a huge set of brass balls
on him, thats for sure. You believe With just seconds left in the game, coach Bobby Knight calls a timeout and reviews
a commercial for the Dodge Omni with his players.
this guy? Total wild man. Just a
grade-A nutcase. Fucking guy. But ues of self-sufficiency and personal out so he could sleep in his old
seriously, you get into a jam, you introspection by hanging out in a room.
could not ask for a better guy to vacation cabin his dad rented for Thrilla In Manila, last of three
have your back. One time he him. During his two-year stay at historic boxing matches between
punched some dude in the face who Walden Pond, Thoreau reveled in heavyweights Muhammad Ali and
was giving his buddy a hard time. the simple joys of communing with Joe Frazier that ultimately ended in
Got the crap knocked out of him, nature by subsisting on care pack- Parkinsons disease and kidney fail-
but still, you gotta respect that kind ages sent by his mother, inviting ure, respectively.
of moxie. Good with cars, too. friends over for drinks on the porch Timeout, stoppage in play called by
Thoreau, Henry David (b. July 12, when he felt lonely, and riding a a team so that its players can re-
1817 d. May 6, 1872), transcenden- horse two miles down the road to group and watch car commercials.
talist writer who discovered the val- his parents house when it got dark In most sports, each team is allotted

CITIES OF THE WORLD

Toronto
Provincial capital of Ontario, Canada, and a center
for the arts, commerce, and government. There-
Titanic, large underwater habitat fore, people should maybe think twice before
that, despite some early concerns
making wisecracks about a city with a modern
about its structural integrity from
baseball stadium, great restaurants, and a world-
the marine life inhabiting it, has
so far withstood the elements and class public transportation system. With 5.5
remains safely intact. million citizens, Toronto is larger, and more
cosmopolitan, to be frank, than lots of places in the
United States. Toronto has markets, and museums,
Toronto has big buildings and everything.
and the theateroh, the theater in Toronto is
wonderful. Phantom Of The Opera ran there for 10 cities, Toronto has the largest freestanding
years! The city has plenty of parks and some structure in the world. Its 1,815 feet tall. Detroit
terrific architecture. A harbor? You bet Toronto has doesnt have anything close to that, and neither
a harbor. Big boats carrying goods from all over the does Cleveland. Toronto also has a mayor. His
world dock in Toronto Harbor every single day. name is David. He was duly elected, and everyones
Toronto has a rich history, a diverse population, proud of him. Torontos great. Not that it needs to
and a big heart. Unlike some other, more famous prove anything, but its really, really great.

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a specified number of timeouts per

game, during which a coach will TOOTH, bony structure in the mouth used to break up food.
The average adult human possesses 32 permanent teeth, which are
gather his players around a small named according to function:
screen and view advertisements for
Reheater: Heating element attraction and repulsion of
vehicles such as the Ford F-150 or within warms up food to just the magnet teeth. fig. 4
right temperature. fig. 1
Distractor: Nonfunctional decoy
Volkswagen Jetta. Proper manage- Disemboweler: Wickedly sharp teeth draw the attention of
hook gouges out a mouthful of plaque away from teeth actually
ment of timeouts is crucial, as a internal organs. fig. 2 involved in chewing. fig. 5 5.
team that exhausts them too Monogrammer: Sewing tooth Heckler: Loud, obnoxious tooth
embroiders food with the initials taunts foodstuffs throughout the
quickly will be unable to check out of the person chewing. fig. 3 mastication process.

a commercial for the fully re- Venom Injector: Lethal

2.
neurotoxin is ejected through
designed 2013 Chevy Silverado at a small ducts in the pointed tip.
Massager: Specially textured
pivotal moment in the game. enamel helps work stubborn
knots out of food. 1.
Tobacco, processed leaves of Nico- Toast, adult stage in the life
Magnetic Generator: Due to 4.
tiana plants that are consumed rec- the absence of jaw muscles in cycle of bread.
humans, the opening and closing
reationally by humans through the of jaws is accomplished by the 3.
lungs by smoking, through the
mouth by dipping, through the
nose by snuffing, through the ears AM/FM radio, and are forced to so- going toward routine highway
by plugging, through the eyes by licit fees in $1 to $10 increments maintenance.
blunking, through the fingernails while under constant surveillance Tomato, red vine-grown fruit
by ruffing, through the belly button by state troopers posted in nearby whose proper pronunciation
by grulling, through the anus by buildings. There are more than 800 sparked a violent argument be-
stoffing, or through the urethra by escape attempts each year, many of tween American composers George
crinching. which end tragically with the per- and Ira Gershwin, during which the
Tollbooth, single-occupant highway son being run over while trying to popular songwriting brothers bru-
prison where traffic violators are in- cut through the ankle chain tether- tally murdered each other.
carcerated until they collect enough ing him or her to the traffic gate. A Tooth Decay, rapid degradation of
money to earn their freedom. In- passing motorist can pay the full teeth that starts the instant an indi-
mates live in cells containing one sum to buy an inmates freedom vidual falls asleep without brush-
chair, a cash register, a toilet, and an at any time, with the proceeds ing. Corrosive bacteria immediately

BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR,
1805 naval engagement between the
British and the combined fleets of
France and Spain that is considered
one of the wettest sea battles in
history. Although the French and
Spanish had superior numbers and
artillery, British admiral Lord Nelson
and his sailors were better prepared
for the sopping-wet conditions,
wearing ponchos, carrying umbrellas,
and packing plenty of dry towels.
Nelson displayed tactical supremacy Tractor, powerful motor vehicle
used on farms for hauling
by navigating the ships to steer clear
individual seeds into the fields.
of big waves capable of splashing an
entire crew. Overwhelmed by the soggy conditions, 22 ships in the Franco-Spanish fleet crashed while
attempting to flee, leaving more than 8,000 men severely drenched. Nelson, who claimed what is now
regarded as the most decisive victory in the history of the British Royal Navy, was found dripping wet on
the deck of the flagship HMS Victory.

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T To r n a d o t o Tr o j a n Wa r

begin to erode the protective

enamel, reducing the teeth in less TRANSCONTINENTAL HANDRAIL, banister
running across the continental United States built between 1863
than two hours to raw morsels of
and 1869 to provide stability and support, and to prevent millions
pulp and exposed blood vessels that of Americans from falling down while traveling over rugged
soon rupture and begin to emit the mountains, slippery plains, or wet areas of the country. Stretching
fetid stench of putrefying flesh. At from New York City to San Francisco, the transcontinental
that point, it takes less than 30 min- handrail is more than 2,900 miles long and contains 7 million
utes for the remaining bits of tissue balusters and 20,000 tons of stainless steel railing. The massive
engineering feat cost some $110 million and claimed the lives of
to rot completely and for the tooth
10,000 Chinese laborers who lost their balance during construc-
sockets to be hollowed out into fes- tion of the handrail and fatally tumbled to the ground.
tering black apertures that steadily
discharge pus into the mouth and
make hissing sounds as various
gases escape. The rapidity and se-
verity of tooth decay is such that the
American Dental Association rec-
ommends waking up every 45 min-
utes to re-brush ones teeth so as to
avoid any risk of having a mouthful
of blood and dangling nerve end-
ings in the morning.
Tornado, violent column of rotating
air that is in contact with the A plaque laid at the center of the Transcontinental Handrail dedicates the
ground, the potentially fatal and banister to the nations grandmothers.
TRAIL OF TEARS damaging effects of which can be
A depiction of human sorrow that
safely negated if one spins rapidly in 1830s, is regarded as a shameful his or her neighborhood dies on a
never would have taken place had
Dryopithecus hominids not emerged the opposite direction of the torna- chapter in American history, the different trampoline.
in the Miocene era and later
dos rotational force as the storm true blame should in all fairness fall Trans-Siberian Railway, train line
branched into phylogenetic
variations. passes overhead. on the Neolithic humans who from connecting Moscow and Vladivo-
Torque, physical force used to de- roughly 7000 to 3000 bc began to stock that was built between 1891
termine the retail price of pickup spread from the Balkans west and and 1916 and features more than
trucks. north, bringing with them ad- 5,772 miles of track laid directly
Tourist, person widely despised and vanced techniques for cultivating over some 45 million Russians.
maligned for visiting, admiring, and crops, producing pottery, and craft- Treachery Of Images, The, Belgian
spending money in another per- ing copper artifacts for use in surrealist Ren Magrittes painting
sons town or city. agriculture and battle. Though the of a tobacco pipe with text in French
Trail Of Tears, forced relocation of 4,000 tragic Cherokee deaths will below it reading This is not a pipe.
various American Indian nations forever be associated with President Wait, what? Its clearly a pipe. Why
from tribal lands to present-day Andrew Jackson, he would never is it not a pipe? He cant just paint a
Oklahoma that would never have even have had the opportunity to pipe and then say its not a pipe, just
even happened had the proto- order the Trail of Tears had a ge- because he feels like it. We know a
Caucasian races not migrated from netic aggregation of ancestral Ger- pipe when we see one, and that
North Africa in 9000 bc and manic tribal heritage, indigenous right there is a fucking pipe.
dispersed throughout the various Celtic blood, and the French- Treasury Department, federal
Eurasian subcontinents before Scandinavian ancestry of the Nor- agency that manages the revenue of
eventually winding up thousands of mans not occurred in the late 11th the United States government and
miles away in North America. century on the English mainland. that, by law, is obligated to give up
While the massive relocation, Trampoline, a springy circle a per- to $10,000 cash to any American
which took place throughout the son bounces on until someone in citizen who walks up to one of its
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E T

NEVER MET A PROBLEM BOMBING

JAPAN WOULDNT SOLVE
Harry S. Truman
(b. May 8, 1884 d. Dec. 26, 1972),
33rd U.S. president, whose
World War IIending decision to
drop atomic bombs on Nagasaki
and Hiroshima inspired him to
annihilate multiple Japanese cities
with nuclear weapons throughout
the rest of his two terms in office. In an effort to
resolve international conflicts and domestic issues
alike, Truman authorized B-29 bombers to strike
hundreds of Japanese urban centers and rural areas Train, rail vehicle that has never
Truman-Dewey Election publicly apologized for its role in
between 1945 and 1953. After dropping an atomic
bomb on Kyoto to halt the global expansion of This was the one with the picture of the the Holocaust.
communism, Truman followed the success by giving president holding up the newspaper that said
the order to vaporize the entire population of he didnt win, but he did win, and the
Sapporo to boost low approval ratings, and to newspaper was wrong. It was funny to him,
transform Sakai into a radioactive wasteland to Truman, because the newspaper made a
improve the production of consumer goods. mistake, and the president is smiling because
Trumans answer for corruption scandals, inflation, a hes happy about the mistake, because the
national railway strike, a clogged toilet, North Korea mistake meant he was still the president and
crossing the 38th parallel, or an argument with his the newspaper was wrong. The man who the
wife was detonating a plutonium-implosion device newspaper said won, but didnt win, probably
in a highly populated Japanese city. On several didnt smile as much as the president, but
occasions, Truman ordered the U.S. military to turn there arent any pictures of that. Everyone
Tokyo into a smoking crater when Congress held up thought it was funny that such a big mistake
an appropriations bill, but he always called back the was made and thats why people took a
planes after the legislation was passed. picture of it.

branch offices and requests some tially free money. ing the Settlement Ceremony, the
money, which is something not a Trial Party, ninth and final stage of judge gets up and rereads how
lot of people know. Established in a civil case during which all plain- much each person is owed in dam-
1789 to collect taxes and distribute tiffs, defendants, attorneys, the ste- ages, an event that customarily
currency, the department is run by nographer, jury, and judge convene flows into dinner service and the
a presidentially appointed secretary at the courthouse to socialize and evenings main festivities, led by
of the treasury who must, under the celebrate the end of the trial. Once two or three effervescent young
U.S. Constitution, personally dis- all attendees have claimed their court dancers tasked with cajoling
pense freshly printed bills to any- name cards and found their way to reluctant witnesses up to the stage. TREASURY
DEPARTMENT
one who picks up the phone and their tables, the courthouse DJ typi- A sprawling make-your-own sun- Each year millions of dollars go
says, Hi, I need several thousand cally kicks things off by introducing dae bar is generally rolled out to sig- unclaimed by Americans who need
only walk in and ask for it.
dollars.. Though the Treasury De- the winner of the case and his or her nal the conclusion of the evening,
partment has a number of other ob- family, who strut into the room one after which the lights are turned on,
ligations, the fact that it will deposit by one to Kool and the Gangs Cel- the guests are wished a good night,
requested funds directly into ones ebration. Snacks and soft drinks and everyone is sent home with a
checking or savings account as long follow, giving attendees the chance bag of trial favors.
as one fills out the proper form is to let loose and catch up with mem- Trojan War, 1194 bc conflict with
something one should take advan- bers of the court, many of whom the city of Troy won by the Greek
tage of at some point if they have havent had a chance to mingle army after it deployed a brilliant
not done so already, as it is essen- since the pretrial procedures. Dur- military tactic in which a massive,
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T Tr u s t t o M a r k Tw a i n

hollowed-out wooden horse was

loaded with 30 living horses, each TWELVE APOSTLES,
of which was stuffed with a hiding disciples of Jesus Christ whom
Greek soldier. Led by Odysseus, the Son of God secretly hoped
who came up with the ingenious would intervene during his
extremely painful crucifixion
plan not only to build the Trojan
instead of just standing there and
Horse, but also to conceal himself watching the entire thing
and his army inside the stomachs of happen. Though Jesus told the
real horses, the Greeks decided to apostles that he wanted to die for Key Apostles
burn their own camp, sail away, and the sins of the world, he actually
Peter
leave the Trojan Horse outside the kind of wished his closest Lead apostle whom Jesus
disciples would have just known, hoped was planning some
city of Troy as a symbol of surren-
without his having to say sort of big, secret mission to
der. Unaware that the giant decoy anything, that he really didnt save his life
was filled with fully armed soldiers want to have nails hammered
Matthew
through his wrists and feet while Would have tried to save
a crown of thorns dug into his Jesus but was waiting for
skull. Charged with going out Thomas to make first move
into the world and spreading the
gospel of the Lord, the apostles Mark
Right before Jesus died,
vowed to obey the teachings of remembered a conversation
Christ, yet at no point got the he had with the Lord in
sense that his agonizing groans which the Son of God talked
were his way of indicating that he about how one might go
about rescuing somebody
wouldnt have been opposed to
dying on a cross
Turnip, round root that is eaten as some sort of apostle-led ambush
a vegetable and that our illustrator against the Roman army, after Luke
said he could draw no problem, which the Lord and Savior could Would have tried to save
but look how bad he fucked it up. be removed from the cross and Jesus but was waiting for
James to make first move
taken somewhere he could
waiting inside the digestive tracts of recuperate. According to the Judas
real horses, the Trojans raised the Gospel of John, there may have Jesus allowed Judas to betray
city gate, wheeled the horse in, and been a brief moment when Jesus him because he just assumed
sort of mouthed the words help Judas would try to redeem
engaged in drunken revelry until himself by making a grand,
me, but he was too high up to
they fell asleep. At midnight, the life-saving gesture
know for sure.
Greek soldiers loosened the rec-
tums of the hidden horses and
slowly emerged from their anuses, into slavery who escaped bondage and sodium herbides, stuffed inside
taking care not to tear any parts of with her infant a meatallic shell and bound togeth-
the animals intestines, lungs, or ar- daughter and be- er by gravytational forces. When
terial walls, for fear of they would came extremely the poultrons in the juicleus bond
make a loud noise and awaken the active in the bur- with the moisticules, Turkury melts
slumbering adversary. After crawl- geoning raw-food in the mouth at
ing out of the real horses, the Greek movement. Years 165 degrees
army exited the Trojan Horse and later, she fell into abolitionism, Fahrenheit. The
slaughtered their enemies. which she instantly realized made a most aromatic
Trust, full and complete faith in an- lot more sense for her and was sort of the savory el-
other persons integrity and abilities of a no-brainer. ements, Turkury is highly reactive
as long as one can easily reverse that Turkury, periodic symbol Tu, high- when combined with Cranberylli-
persons decisions if need be. ly comestible element composed of um, a scrumptalyst during synthli-
Truth, Sojourner (b. 1797 d. Nov. succulently charged delicisotopes, ciousness, causing accelerated
26, 1883), African-American born breadical ions, celereus, on-ions, devourfication.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E T

10TH PRESIDENT, POSSIBLE SERIAL KILLER

Notable Whig
John Tyler Strangler Victims
(b. Mar. 29, 1790 d. Jan. 18, 1862), 10th Henrietta Smith
president of the United States, who oversaw A cook in the White House kitchen whose
the annexation of Texas in 1845 and was body tumbled from a dumbwaiter into the
widely suspected of being the infamous Cabinet room during a meeting to which
Whig Strangler, a serial killer who mur- Tyler had arrived several minutes late, out
dered 23 people during the four-year of breath, and with deep scratches
period of Tylers presidency. Entering office crisscrossing his face.
on April 6, 1841the same day the Whig Stranglers Franois Toulouse
Washington-area killing spree beganTylers whereabouts A French ambassador to the United States,
were often unaccounted for when the slayings occurred, and Toulouse was found strangled in a public
he was frequently known to return to the White House in the park in Washington, D.C. When
middle of the night, not wearing the gloves he wore out and confronted by police with eyewitness
offering vague, contradictory answers to his family, his reports that he had been in the area the
night of the murder, Tyler glibly replied,
Cabinet, and Congress as to where he had been. Sufficient
Perhaps he choked on some brie.
evidence was never found to link Tyler to the Whig Strangler
killings, but on several occasions he expressed an admiration Annabelle Poole
for the murderer in newspaper interviews, saying the The youngest of the
perpetrator was so brilliant as to be akin to God, and Whig Stranglers
victims, 8-year-old
describing the cold-blooded killer as much, much too clever
Poole was discovered
to ever be caught by the dullards of the District constabulary.
on the Capitol steps,
Still, Tyler urged authorities to increase their efforts in order her hair neatly
to keep the game interesting. Though generally supportive combed and her
of his presidency, many Americans remained suspicious of hands folded across
Tylers disturbing, emotionless gaze and his habit of torturing her chest. A note was found pinned to her
stray animals around the Capitolsuspicions that were dress reading Here lies Henry Clays Typhoid Fever, bacterial disease
further aroused when Tyler concluded his 1845 State of the National Banking Act. Pity it was vetoed so common in the early colonial
before its timeW.S. days of Jamestown that after
Union address with the cryptic words Please stop me.
exchanging greetings a settlers
next question was typically,
Hows your typhoid?
Turtle, reptile that carries its house the latest. up right prime as a writing man. In
on its back, and when it gets scared, Twain, Mark (b. Nov. 30, 1835 any case, he grew up studying print-
it pull its heads and arms and legs d. Apr. 21, 1910), you dont know ing at a news-paper, and reading in
insidewhoosh! like that. Some bout Mr. Twain without you have libraries at night, but before it could
people say that turtles move slow, read a book by name of The Adven- hurt him any he decided to become
but really, turtles move just as fast as tures Of Tom Sawyer, or maybe The
they need to. Theyre special in Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn, or,
their own special way. In what way if youve roused yourself to a power
are you special? of thought, The Gilded Age, but that
Tutu, Desmond (b. Oct. 7, 1931), aint no matter. The particular of it
South African bishop and activist is them books was all made by Mr.
who ended apartheid in his coun- Twain, who was born Samuel Lang-
try by pointing out that it was 1994. horne Clemens. Mr. Twain was
When Tutu brought a wall calen- born in Florida, which warnt so
dar to the political leaders of South bad as all that because of actually
Africa and physically pointed to the being a town in Missouri, and spent
date, which clearly showed it was most of his boyhood times in listen- a riverboat pilot, a fine occupation
ad 1994, the government quickly ing to the small-talk and folk-tales for any man. Then the great War
apologized and moved to abolish of his uncles slaves. He learnt most Between the States came up, and
racial segregation, saying it had of his story-telling from them, and Mr. Twain decided hed be a soldier,
mistakenly thought it was 1952 at some think that in the end it set him but quit straight aways as that occu-
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T Tw e n t y - S e v e n C l u b t o U n i t e d N a t i o n s

pation isnt fit for nobody, and lit Twenty-Seven Club, informally rec- punch researchers and, after being
out West. Afore too long, he had ognized group formed after the overcome by extreme emotion,
wrote down a story about a jump- deaths of Jim Morrison, Jimi Hen- have been timed collapsing onto
ing frog and called it The Cele- drix, Brian Jones, and Janis Joplin, the floor within a few seconds of
brated Jumping Frog Of Calaveras influential rock musicians who all each other. They also have been
County, and people liked it partic- eerily died at the age 27. Since then, known to sob uncontrollably with
ular well, and that was it. Well, he the Twenty-Seven Club has since the same frequency, cadence, and
was off and caning it good with his grown to include Kurt Cobain, intensity.
writing, and he got married too, to a Amy Winehouse, baseball player Twin Towers, former pair of sky-
gal named Livia, who introduced Steve Olin, English physicist Henry scrapers in Lower Manhattan
him to intellectuals and free-think- Moseley, Spokane, Washington, whose visionary architect would
ers and abolitionists and whole sales rep Matt Gloster, medical stu- have wanted them to be remem-
crowds of people who welcomed dent Kim Schiff, Serbian rebel bered not as a place of tragedy, but
him as one of themselves. Anyways, Zlatan Kovac, Bangladeshi villager as grim, monolithic slabs of gray
he wrote a bunch about corruption, Reshmi Hasan, death row inmate metal and stone housing the na-
and the love of money, and how Patrick Murch, and roughly 8.4 mil- tions dreary, inhuman financial
people cared about nothing but lion others. infrastructure.
stuff and belongings, and he built a Twin Study, research model that 2013 Lincoln MKX, most of todays
big house in Connecticut. Also he helps differentiate between the en- luxury hybrids have one thing in
tried to make a better typewriter, vironmental and genetic influences common: Theyre a little too
Tyson, Mike (b. June 30, 1966), and reinvent suspenders, but that on human traits and behavior by common. Only one goes beyond
man praised for behaving like an didnt work out so he had to make observing identical twins who have whats expected, beyond whats
animal who then disgraced the money by inventing humorous lec- just been informed that they were merely common. Only one offers
nation by behaving like an animal.
turing. Some say he more or less forcibly separated by researchers at sleek design, best-in-class perfor-
began the practice of stand-up com- birth and raised independently, un- mance, and technology unlike
edy, but no one is good through and aware for their whole lives that they anything youve ever seen before.
through, and we should likely be had a twin. Though environmental Because if youre going to buy a new
forgiving of Mr. Twain. Later on he factors greatly inform development, luxury car, shouldnt there be some-
died, and while it werent sudden, researchers have found many fasci- thing new about it? Introducing the
and came up in his 74th year, his nating similarities in such twins, 2013 Lincoln MKX. Its not just
death was still overwhelming sad, including nearly identical speech luxuryits beyond luxury.
and goes to prove that no biography patterns when the subjects are
ends happy. But his books are still screaming, What exactly is going
Starting at $39,545 MSRP
around, and popular, and most on here? and Who the hell are my $470/month, 39-month lease
with $5,157 due at signing.
folks know of them, although not as real parents then? Answer me! Ad-
many read them as claim to; o; and ditionally, subjects in twin studies
even some schools say they will affect almost indistinguish-
shouldnt be read nohow, having able stances when at-
more of the whole entire actual
ual true tempting to
American language in them than is
fitten for the people of this great
country. And though Mr.
Twain is gone now, some sayy
maybe hes flat rotten glad of
it, because if hed known
how much trouble there
was in writing books, why,
mayhap he wouldnt have
tackled it.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E U

Ukulele, quirky guitarlike instru-

UFO, mysterious object in the

U
ment whose appearance signals that
sky that may officially be
it will be fine to step out and make a deemed an alien vessel only after
phone call during the opening act. the careful and methodical
Ulysses, novel by James Joyce that elimination of one or two other
is considered a timeless classic de- possibilities. A UFO cannot be
spite the fact that approximately 94 said to be of extraterrestrial
origin without, for example, first
percent of it makes no sense to any-
ruling out the possibility that it
Uu.
one born outside of Ireland after is a commercial jetliner or a meteor, at which point the UFO is Twenty-first and classiest
1920. immediately confirmed to be an incomprehensibly advanced alien letter in the modern English
alphabet, whose calm,
Umbilical Cord, intrauterine con- spacecraft that has defied the observable laws of physics and traveled
unassuming demeanor serves
nective tissue that transfers nutri- across the universe, possibly multiple universes, to visit planet Earth.
as an example to all other
ents and deep insecurities from Since the 1950s, thousands of UFOs have been verified as intergalac- letters. Having both a short
tic transports from the far reaches of the cosmos due to there being and long sound, the
mother to developing fetus. The
no evidence of weather balloons in the area. composure U displays when it
umbilical cord forms five weeks
takes its position in a word like
into gestation, replacing the yolk jump, and the way it
universally acknowledged as the northern states, whose leaders downplays its obvious
worlds most powerful aphrodisiac. believed that while African- importance in pull, arent just
examples of its humility, but
Since the unicycles invention in the Americans were subhuman, they
are also demonstrative of the
19th century, men have realized should not be forced into slavery. deep respect U has for the
that to operate such a conveyance United Nations, international orga- English language. Bottom
with even modest proficiency is to nization formed in 1945 to achieve lineand this probably goes
without sayingU, which
guarantee himself unlimited sexual world peace. Since its establish-
comes from the Semitic letter
intercourse with any attractive ment there has been the Vietnam waw, understands it is but a
sac as the primary source of nour- woman of his choosing. Though War, the Indonesian National Rev- small part of a greater whole;
that without other letters, its
ishment and of worries that the some men have in the past at- olution, the first Indo-Pakistani
nothing. Moreover, U knows
mother put on more weight during War, the Korean War, the Bay of that, as the glue that holds the
pregnancy than either of her sisters, Pigs invasion, the First Kurdish- rest of the alphabet together,
who are prettier and always re- Iraqi War, the Invasion of Goa, the it needs to keep a level head
and maintain perspective,
ceived more of their parents love, Sino-Indian War, the Shifta War, the
especially in trying times. A
anyway. Shortly after birth, the um- Sand War, the Zanzibar Revolution, model of quiet confidence and
bilical cord is clamped at the navel the Six-Day War, the Naxalite- grace, U is also one of five
and cut from the newborn baby, Maoist Insurgency, the Battle of vowels, but is so down to earth
that youd never even know it.
whose body has developed enough Karameh, the Warsaw Pact Invasion
to acquire the nutrients necessary of Czechoslovakia, the Sino-Soviet
to persevere endlessly on its own ir- Border Conflict, Black September
rational fears. in Jordan, the Bangladesh Libera-
Undertow, strong subsurface ocean tion War, the Indo-Pakistani War of
current capable of dragging people 1971, the First Eritrean War, the
out of their car, across the parking Yom Kippur War, the Second Kurd-
lot, down the beach, and into the tempted to combine unicycling ish War, the Angolan Civil War, Op-
open sea, where they will drown. with close-up sleight-of-hand eration Entebbe, the Ogaden War,
Unicorn, creature mythical to all ex- magicthe worlds second-most Shaba I, Shaba II, the Soviet War in
cept those who have access to horse powerful aphrodisiacfew do so Afghanistan, the Salvadoran Civil
tranquilizers, a walrus tusk (or a today due to the inevitability of be- War, the Second Eritrean Civil War,
length of broom handle), and a hot ing torn apart by women crazed The Iran-Iraq War, the Falklands Underpants, item women usually
have so many of they probably
glue gun. with lust. War, the Ndogboyosoi War, the wont even notice if one pair goes
Unicycle, human-powered, single- Union, The, name used during the 1982 Lebanon War, the South Leb- missing. Two, tops.
track vehicle with one wheel that is American Civil War to refer to the anon Conflict, the Invasion of Gre-
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U

Universe THE KNOWN UNIVERSE

10-million-mile by 5-million-mile area containing all The universe is so large that an object
known matter and energy. The universe is a rectangle, or moving at the speed of light would take
box, outside of which nothing exists, as the sides of the nearly 72 hours to travel all the way across it.
box constitute the ends of the universe. The universe
contains the sun, 24 planets, and 1,830 other celestial
bodies. It also holds a total of 26 galaxies and one quasar,
which is located in the upper right-hand corner of the 10,000 mi

universe. Because the universe is so quantifiable, it is often Star

used as a point of reference when measuring other objects. Star No. 37 of
For instance, 58,000 Pittsburghs are roughly equivalent to 830, all of which
can be seen from
a universe; likewise, it would take 1.2 million school buses
Earth.
lined up end to end to stretch from one end of the
universe to the other. It is estimated that the sum compo-
nents of the universe, which have been fully cataloged and
comprehended by mankind since 1927, weigh more than
3 billion pounds. Scientists estimate the universe will
likely continue on until infinity, which they agree will be
roughly 19,000 years from now. Galaxy
A galaxy is more
SPACE TRAVEL than 30,000 miles
Attempts are sometimes made to long and contains
explore the universe with 12.2 billion atoms.
spacecraft, but such voyages
inevitably end two to three
weeks later, once the vehicles
bump into the wall of the
universe, at which point they
turn around and head back to
Earth.

THE UNIVERSE AND MANKIND

Big Bang
For all of human history, mankind has looked up at the
Every billion years or so
night sky and taken solace in the fact that the universe is
there is a large and
an orderly, finite construct wherein each living being plays
enjoyable bang sound
a relatively large and understandable part. The fact that
in the bottom left-hand
the universe, as an entity and a concept, is so easy for the
corner of the universe.
mind to grasp has freed mankind up to ponder other
more important issues in his immediate area, such as
learning to play the piano and tax reform. In the course of
a lifetime, most human beings end up seeing 3 to 8
percent of the universe, depending on how often they
leave town on business.

While the cosmos is neither vast,

nor filled with any discernible
wonder, I personally find its tidiness HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE
comforting. I basically made a
choice when I was younger to pursue The universe is formed.
a less rigorous science, and I am
totally fine with that choice. 13.7 billion years ago

CARL SAGAN

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E U

Black Hole
The universe has one black hole. Dark Matter
Whatever is sucked into the black hole Quite a lot is known about this
reappears unaltered at the other end of substance. It weighs 350
the universe within an hour. pounds, feels like gelatin, and
is primarily used to make the
universe appear dark.
Earth
Earth is where the universes
occupants live

Sun
Energy from the sun lights the
universe and keeps it warm.

Hubble Space Telescope

Strategically placed by NASA in this
corner of the universe to capture
the best view.

Nothing

Comet
The universes 27 comets Floor
can reach temperatures of The floor of the universe is 128 miles thick and contains any
235 degrees Celsius. refuse or broken space materials that fall to the bottom.

The planets spin around

The planets are formed. inside the universe.

4.5 billion years ago 4.5 billion years agoPresent

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U Ur n t o V i n c e n t Va n G o g h

nada, the Sri Lankan Civil War, the

Siachen Conflict, the Agacher Strip
U-650, German U-boat whose mission to assassinate President
Franklin Roosevelt was thwarted when the submarine was spotted
War, the 1987 Sino-Indian Skir- on the South Lawn of the White House. Attempting to escape, the
mish, the First Intifada, the Lords 49-man crew maneuvered the vessel around Allied mines, but it was
Resistance Army insurgency, the eventually sunk on the National Mall.
U.S. invasion of Panama, the Roma-
nian Revolution of 1989, the Sec-
ond Intifada, insurgency in Jammu
and Kashmir, the Gulf War, the
1991 Slovene War for Indepen-
dence, the Bosnian Civil War, the
First Chechen War, the Second
Chechen War, the invasion of Af-
ghanistan, the invasion of Iraq, and
the 2011 Libyan Civil War, among
many others.
Urn, container composed of 90 per-
cent cremated remains of a loved The White House South Lawn on Aug. 10, 1943.
one, along with 2 percent dust, 1
percent other organic material, and ways to commit suicide in Uticas ghurs. More than with any other
Uncling Monthly, long-running 7 percent Paul Karwowski, a nice many abandoned textile factories, minority group in the area, the Chi-
periodical featuring a wide range man who was cremated in the including slicing ones wrists with a nese government gets a special
of uncle-centric content, chamber just prior. shard of metal or strangling oneself thrill waking up a Uyghur in the
including dirty jokes, reviews of
Utica, bleak, depressing city in cen- with a rusted, heavy-duty industrial middle of the night, forcing him to
R-rated movies with neutral-
sounding titles so an uncle wont tral New York in which there are chain after finally acknowledging say goodbye to his loved one for the
get an earful about it when he more than 2,000 locations to kill that the only thing ones family is last time, handcuffing him to the
takes his sisters kids to see them, oneself. With a population of doing is preventing one from finally back of an armored vehicle, and
and consumer reports for bottle
rockets that wont mess up a 62,235all of whom have the op- leaving Utica and starting a life dragging his body for miles on hard
nephew too bad if anything goes worth living. Nearly 25 percent of rocks, pavement, and shards of
wrong with them. Uticans live below the poverty line, glass. Though some members of
and instead of going downtown and the Chinese government have said
killing themselves, they can choose their enjoyment of clubbing Uy-
to stay in their recently foreclosed- ghurs to death stems from the fact
upon homes and hang themselves that they practice Islam, others in-
in the comfort of their own sist that it has nothing whatsoever
bathrooms. to do with religion, and that, in the
portunity to escape the citys deso- Uyghur, Turkic ethnic group pri- end, smashing a Uyghurs index fin-
late winters and horrendous econ- marily found in western China that ger with a meat tenderizer is just re-
omy by quietly putting a bullet in is regarded by Chinese authorities ally, really fun.
their brainpan out behind any of as the most fun to torture. With
the many shuttered local busi- their semi-Caucasian body type
nesses, or jumping from the top of and a language that the Chinese
the domed bank building on Gene- find highly amusing to hear one beg
see Street after taking one last look for mercy in, Uyghurs are seen as far
at the dying city belowUtica is more fun to beat, stab, and electro-
the seat of Oneida County, and has cute than the stoic Buddhist Tibet-
multiple dangerous intersections ans or the Hoa people, whose limbs,
where one can end it all relatively Chinese officials say, arentnearly as
painlessly. There are hundreds of much fun to break in half as the Uy-
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E V

Vacation, scheduled period of rest the state of mind brought on by the ma) could be isolated without the

V
and relaxation during which ones hunger for validation is the very presence of potassium ions, had
everyday concerns and anxieties are thing that causes it to dissipate. This been called into question. Though
experienced in a recreational set- precious acknowledgment of the he and his former research partner
ting. During a typical vacation, a worth of ones self or actions is Dr. Charles A. Oberon were never
person might lie on a white-sand rarely observed or experienced, and able to adequately answer the Co-
beach and dwell on the work is almost never organically gener- nundrum (van Braak famously said
responsibilities that are accruing ated, meaning the exchange of on his deathbed, It eludes me, Elo-
Vv
Twenty-second letter of the
e-mail by infuriating e-mail, or visit money, dignity, and individuality is ise), the publication in 1943 of Van
modern English alphabet,
a foreign city and take in the archi- usually involved in its obtainment; Braaks Postulation shed light on which the authors of this
tecture while worrying about the the exchange, however, almost al- the nature of paraformsand the encyclopedia would like to
respectfully dedicate to the
health of an ailing parent or the ways dilutes or adulterates the vali- field of entelogy in generalwhile
memory of copy editor David
$10,000 that will be required to fix dation. The worlds largest reserves successfully linking one arm of the Tosches, who passed away
the roof. During economic down- of validation are found in Los Ange- Conundrum to six separate substra- while working on this text. In
turns, many opt to vacation closer les, although most of its output is ta: line, semi-line, deis, duis, tra- addition to proofreading the
entry for V, David also
to home so they can become nau- impure, synthetic, and prohibitively chyn, and seminalism. This only
performed all fact-checking
seous with fear that their marriage is expensive. satisfied half of his hypothetical and research duties for this
on its last legs while saving on travel Valley Of The Kings, ancient Egyp- Great Order Schema but laid the letter, a testament to his
costs. tian pharaoh dump. groundwork for Van Braaks Solu- thoroughness and care both as
an editor and as a human
Vagina Dentata, folkloric motif of Van Braaks Conundrum, 1941 sci- tion, which remains incomplete to
being. David was not only an
a sharp-toothed vagina often in- entific thought experiment posited this day but, when finished, will expert in the English language,
tended to discourage promiscuity by Dutch physicist and early theo- fully account for all 164 elements of he loved language itself, its
idiosyncrasies and its rich
with the threat of castration, despite rist of sonic-neural technology An- universal Orbian knowledge in one
history. He will be sorely
the fact that teeth on actual vaginas ders van Braak, who asked whether paroxis. missed. However, as one soul
are quite blunt and used primarily the angle of origin between two op- Van Gogh, Vincent, (b. Mar. 30, exits the stage, another enters.
for slowly grinding plants and posing forces could ever be reduced 1853 d. July 29, And so, we would now like to
introduce to the reader copy
seeds. if the internal charge of both forces 1890), Dutch
editor Michael Schiff, who was
Valedictorian, student with the oscillate at the same frequency. postimpressionist responsible for looking over
highest record of academic achieve- With his famous riddle of the Or- painter who shot this entry after Davids
ment in his or her class who cus- chid and the Lightning Rod, van himself in the passing. Michael comes to us
from the Bertelsmann
tomarily delivers a graduation Braak vexed generations of physi- head because he couldnt figure out
Publishing Group and brings
speech in tandem with the lowest- cists whose previous supposition, how to do the thing where the with him more than 25 years
achieving student smashing his that no three calibrated waves (triu- mountain is reflected off the water. experience. We welcome him
to the team and know that he
own head with a log.
will live up to the high standard
Valentine, Mike, who? Never heard of ecxellence set by his dearly
of no Valentine, buddy. And you tell departed predecessor.
Bent Joe I told you I never heard of
him. Bent Joe McCarrigan, down at In Loving
the track. Now get lost. (See Bent Memory of
David Tosches
Joe McCarrigan) May 1,
Validation, rarest and most precious 1977June 1,
2012
substance on the planet. Validation,
when it can be found at all, usually
occurs in quantities too small to be
seen with the naked eye, let alone
measured, and has a half-life of less
than five minutes. Moreover, as the
need for validation increases, so Van Braak was inspired by the work of the ancient Greek philosopher and
does the difficulty of obtaining it, as mathematician Pyrrus.
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V Cy r u s Va n c e t o V i e t n a m Wa r

eases transmitted through sexual

AGAINST HIS WISHES, REMEMBERED TO THIS DAY contact; also the only thing the hu-
Martin Van Buren man race is at all cautious about,
(b. Dec. 5, 1782 d. July 24, 1862), eighth president
and even then not so much.
of the United States, who in his last months in
Ventilation, circulation of fresh air
office tried and failed to push a bill through
Congress that would have required all Americans into a space, but thats all were go-
to immediately forget his presidency ever hap- ing to say about this subject because
pened. By far his most significant initiative, the Presidential Non- this isnt some sort of how-to book
Remembrance Act of 1841 would have compelled all citizens to flush for sicko ventilation freaks who
from their minds any recollection of what occurred while he was in
want to know all about ventilation.
office, including the Panic of 1837, record unemployment, bank
Venus Of Willendorf, statuette
failures, the continuation of the Trail of Tears, and his unyielding
tolerance of slavery. The bill was roundly defeated despite token carved approximately 24,000 years
compromise provisions that would have allowed people to remember ago, the popularity of which estab-
Van Burens appointment of John McKinley and Peter Vivian Daniel lished an unattainable Paleolithic
to the Supreme Court. standard of beauty that caused deep
feelings of inferiority and intensely
Vance, Cyrus (b. Mar. 27, 1917 d. produce the most tender, juicy, and negative body image issues among
Jan. 12, 2002), secretary of state un- flavorful meat. Calves who have the women of that ep-
der President Jimmy Carter who, as been psychologically tortured by och.
o With its tremen-
the chief American diplomat, trav- being forced to watch as their par- dous
d overhanging
eled around the world and slept in ents are slaughtered right in front of breasts, impossibly
hundreds of different beds, includ- them produce the finest cuts of veal. bulbous torso, and
ing king-sized beds, queen-sized Vein, blood vessel responsible for thick, elephantine
Venus Flytrap, carnivorous plant beds, twin beds, four-poster beds, circulating heroin throughout the legs,
l the Venus of
with specialized leaves capable of
Japanese platform beds, water beds, body. Willendorf
W is believed
explosive bursts of speed that
allow it to chase down antelope, Punjabi manjaa beds, beds in em- Venarro Crime Family, branch of to have been the
making it by far the fastest land bassies, beds in luxury hotels, beds the New York City Mafia that, for source of a great deal of
plant on earth. in the homes of foreign dignitaries, an extorted fee, offers protection to self-loathing and depression in per-
and beds on first-class sleeping cars. guys on subway platforms who play fectly healthy adolescent Paleolithic
Vance was a key figure in coordinat- upside-down paint buckets like girls, who felt ashamed that they
ing the Camp David Accords be- drums. could never physically measure up
tween Israel and Egypt and also Venereal Disease, any of the dis- to the statue. Ancient women
slept in canopy beds.
Vasectomoscopy, surgical proce-
dure in which extra vasa deferentia
VASE, device used to display dead flowers as a stark warning to
any other plants that might be planning a revolution to take over
are braided around the original to the human race. Typically made of decorative glass or porcelain, a
effectively triple the flow of semen. vase is filled with enough fresh water to
Veal, meat of a calf, the flavor of prolong a flowers decomposition process,
which is greatly enhanced by the creating a terrifying image meant to
degree of torture inflicted upon the spread fear and paranoia throughout the
floral community, and send an unmistak-
baby cow prior to slaughter. Young
able message that the humans are in
cattle that have their legs broken charge and that any attempt at resistance,
seconds after birth, their heads no matter how slight, would be gravely
bludgeoned with a tire iron, and unwise. Vases come in a variety of shapes
their eyeballs shocked repeatedly and sizes, but all serve the same purpose
with an electric prodall while of letting the plants know that if they band
together they will end up just like the
being kept alive throughout the en-
flowers in the vase: rotting and dead.
tire maiming process so they vividly
experience every ounce of pain
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E V

VIETNAM WAR, costly and seemingly unending quagmire history. However, they were swiftly plagued by a number of crucial
of an encyclopedia entry that the publishers of this reference errors and setbacks, including the loss of nearly 50 pages of research
volume spent decades bogged down attempting to compose. in 2009, the crash of the backup hard drive containing the first draft
Originally intended to provide information about a Cold Warera in 2010, and more than 200 gruesome typos. Over time, more and
military conflict in Southeast Asia, the Vietnam War entry quickly more people began to question why good writers were being
descended into a tangle of botched research strategies, overextended sacrificed for the sake of a deeply flawed entry, and indeed why
scholars, dwindling morale, and, ultimately, abject failure as the precious funds and manpower were being funneled into an ongoing
editorial and research staff was forced to pull out of all writing catastrophe when those resources could have been applied to the
operations after the odds of completing the entrys goals were entries for Economy or Education; many could not even remember
deemed impossible. In its early stages, what was then the largest why the entry was being written in the first place. Eventually,
free-standing staff of U.S. History and Southeast Asian Studies massive staff backlash and a change in editorial leadership forced the
scholars in the world was deployed across multiple areasinclud- powers that be to abandon the Vietnam War entry entirely, a
ing the densely concentrated first sentence, the fact-rich middle moment captured best by the enduring image of the last draft being
section, and the crucially important timeline running along the whisked away from the lead researchers desk, his hand still dangling
Vietnam War entrys southern borderin order to achieve a desperately as the page soared toward its inevitable destination in
comprehensive summary of a major event in 20th century world the recycling bin.

HEADER TITLE--JEFF???

As images such as these arrived fresh from

the printer, popular outrage necessitated a
full inquiry by the Photo Department.

The Timeline Massacre, which claimed the jobs of more than three highly inept graphics artists.

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V V i c e P re s i d e n t t o Vol c a n o

would often go to dangerous every measurable sense, a festive Viking, Scandinavian marauders
lengths to emulate the Venus of Wil- season at Weatherbury. Peering out and explorers, active from the 9th
lendorf, and many prehistoric fe- mournfully from the drawing room to 11th centuries, who gave many
males are thought to have died window, Lord Weatherbury knew young Europeans their first lessons
while swallowing whole pumpkins at once his eldest daughter would in what sexual reproduction is and
in an effort to obtain a body shape soon be out there searching vainly how it works.
similar to the famed stone icon. for her beloved, her once bright Violence, application of physical
Vice President, government offi- countenance beaten back by the force by one human being upon an-
cial whose responsibilities in the cruel, remorseless wind of the other, the invariable result of which
United States include casting tie- moors. It was at that very moment is the successful resolution of a
breaking votes in the Senate, acting that a curious rapping sounded on problem. Violence is often used to
as a public spokesperson on behalf the door. solve the problem of one person
of the president, and fantasizing Video Game, electronic user inter- possessing an object of value an-
about hastily taking the oath of of- face developed in the late 20th cen- other person desires, the problem
Virgin Mary, mother of Jesus
Christ and postpartum fice while a dazed, blood-spattered tury to discourage sexual activity of a person expressing sexual inter-
depressionsufferer who first lady looks on. among societys undesirables and est in ones partner, or the problem
subsequently gave birth to and Victorian Era, period of British his- rid the global human gene pool of of having consumed too many alco-
drowned nine additional
children.
tory from 1837 to 1901 during inferior traits. A coalition of govern- holic beverages and being filled
which an air of considerable gloom ments convened in 1968 to fund with self-loathing. While violence is
settled over Weatherbury Manor, it and direct an international team of typically used as a remedy for small
being the first winter in Lord scientists and programmers tasked individual disputes, it is also used to
Weatherburys own memory to with preventing the dregs and social efficiently solve problems among
pass without the customary visit outcasts of the world from ever pro- tribes, religious groups, and large
from London of Pastor Coggan and creating with other humans. To multinational alliances.
Lady Chettam, an occasion usually date, an estimated 84 million pale, Virtual Reality, computer-simu-
anticipated with keen interest listless slugs have failed to pass on lated environment that makes the
among the fairest of Yorkshire soci- their worthless genetic material as a user feel as though he or she is inter-
ety. The discovery in late autumn of result of the Video Game Project, acting within another physical
Colonel Tilneys peculiar origins, of with the most successful experi- space or location, and an invention
the orphanage in Hull and the re- ments coming from the Call Of that nearly ruined Western Civiliza-
cords of his conscription at the ten- Duty series, which on its own has tion in the mid-1990s when almost
der age of 16, had cast a grim pall strengthened the human species by every American dropped every-
across what should have been, by an immeasurable quotient. thing in their lives for a few years

VENUS DE MILO, masterwork of ancient

Greek sculpture that the Louvre rents out to museum
V-J Day In Times Square,
famous photograph taken on
visitors for short-term use. Since its acquisition by
Victory over Japan Day in 1945, the museum in 1820, the marble depiction of the
after which the soldier depicted goddess of love has been available for loan to anyone
had a flashback triggered by all over 25 who stops by the Hellenistic Antiquities
the bright lights in the area and Circulation Desk. Until 1970, admirers of the Venus
brutally strangled the nurse to De Milo had been able to take the sculpture home
death. with them for up to two weeks with just a signature,
but an incident in which the Venus was returned with
chips in her drapery and grass stains along her right
hip prompted the Louvre to begin requiring two
forms of ID and a $50 deposit from all borrowers. As
always, however, the Venus may be returned after
business hours in the 7-foot drop box outside the The Venus De Milo, after being returned by
Louvres main entrance. Penacook, New Hampshire, resident Dave Pinard,
who rented it out for his dads retirement party.

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E V

Volcano
Vent from which molten rock or lava issues, Volcanic Ash
and one of the few things the earth does Smoky substance that gives the
that still impresses humanity. atmosphere that summertime
barbecue feel
Lava
Molten rock that
comes into a Crater
persons life and Bowl-shaped depression that is caused by
changes it forever an eruption and that generally scabs over
in about a week
Side Vent
Discreet secondary aperture
through which magma can Main Conduit
make a more dignified exit Passage magma travels up to reach the
surface and which can be turned off very
simply by going down there while its
dormant and jimmying it shut, but good
luck finding anyone to do that. Youd have
Patch Of Trees to be fucking nuts to go down there.
Not related to volcanic activity,
but certainly an attractive
addition to any large-scale
illustrated landscape scene

Magma Reservoir
Where magma is stored and riled up with hateful
propaganda demonizing the surrounding countryside

Famous Volcanic Eruptions What To Do When You

Through History Come Across An Erupting
Mount Tambora, Indonesia (1815) Volcano In The Wild
Largest eruption in modern history, expelling 93 1. Stand absolutely still and lift your hands
cubic miles of debris into the air and making over your head to make yourself appear
1815 by far the grittiest year on record. taller to the volcano.
Krakatoa, Indonesia (1883)
2. Make calm, nonthreatening noises with
The massive explosion of the volcano on the
your voice, such as humming a song, to let
Indonesian island of Krakatoa killed between
the volcano know that you are human.
40,000 and 120,000 natives that British and
Dutch colonialists were planning to exploit as
3. If the volcano shows signs of aggression,
cheap laborers.
do not run. Back away slowly and try to put
Mount St. Helens, Washington State (1980) more space between yourself and the
Though largely quiet since its massive 1980 volcano.
eruption, the mountain will still occasionally
squirt a thin stream of 1,350-degree lava into 4. While most generally try to avoid human
downtown Seattle. contact, volcanoes do occasionally attack.
Space Mountain, Orlando, Florida (1986) When this happens, one is advised to play
Few visitors to Disney World suspected the large dead.
enclosed roller coaster contained 417.2 million
tons of magma and ash. 5. As a last resort, use pepper spray on the
volcano.

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V Vise to gonicous

and strapped on virtual reality one of his books and reading them nomena and man-made items, and
headsets from morning until night. before they went to sleep. Von- images of human anatomy, animal
Vise, metal tool with movable jaws neguts playful life, and our solar system, as well as,
used to hold a hot dog in place writing taught on the other side, the popular 1972
while condiments are applied. many man-chil- record that not only includes four
Vogue, fashion magazine filled with dren to read sat- Top 40 hitsincluding the title
plenty of decent ideas for different ire, and his sim- track and Everything I Ownbut
shirts to wear. ple illustrations was also the first Bread album to
Vole, small rodent that reaches sex- delighted those who were not ma- feature keyboardist Larry Knetchel.
ual maturity after one month and ture enough to hold down a full- Vulva, oh-ho! Wanted a little vulva
then is ready for some loving, baby. time job or keep a girlfriend. action, did ya? You really think you
Voltaire (b. Nov. 26, 1694 d. May 30, Voof, meaningless filler word that can run with the big dogs? Think
1778), pen name of French philos- exists only to take up space. (See youre real hot stuff, right? Right?
Voodoo, religion in which opher Franois-Marie Arouet, Zert, Zorp, Glak, Foople, Yix, Boy, oh, boy, theres always one,
people are sometimes turned whose satirical work Candide prob- Bleemie, Xern, Mortgage, isnt there? Well, lets see what you
into zombies, but which results ably made Enlightenment-era Vooph, Ffffromph, Prink, Pri- gotsee if you can walk the walk. If
in very fewif anyrapes of
thinkers laugh so hard their wigs ink, and Phrink) youre really after some vulva, then
little boys by sweaty middle-aged
men. So pick your poison, you got crooked and they spilled little Voting, election process during you came to the right place, buddy;
know? glasses of sherry all over their which at least one person writes in youre gonna get more vulva than
breeches and buckled shoes. none of the above and gives him- you can handle. No turning back
Volupturaptor, buxom dinosaur self a little pat on the back for it. now, tough guy, so I hope youre sit-
that lived approximately 71 to 75 Vox Populi, Latin term meaning ting down. You want to party? All
million years ago during the late voice of the mentally unstable, right then, lets party: The vulva
Chestaceous Period. attention-hungry people. comprises the external parts of the
Vomit, partially digested food that Voyager Golden Records, phono- female genitals.
purposely ejects itself through the graphic records launched aboard Vunch, meal typically had on Tues-
mouth in a desperate effort to avoid both Voyager spacecraft in 1977 days or Wednesdays between vor-
becoming feces. While the foul- that contain, on side A, sounds and lap and lunch.
smelling, curdlike matter constitut- Vyndroticus, Greek demigod
ing vomit is considered by food to known for his feats of stamina, such
be far from an ideal state, it is never- as listening to the Minotaur com-
theless preferred to being trans- plain at length about how little re-
formed into shit and expelled out spect he gets and how cold and
an asshole; to that end, every drafty the Labyrinth is, and spend-
mouthful of food swallowed en- ing hours assuring an insecure Me-
gages in a frantic struggle to trigger dusa that she is a very unique and
the gag reflex and be discharged striking-looking Gorgon.
through the mouth with some dig-
nity intact. images that catalog the diversity of
Vonnegut, Kurt, Jr. (b. Nov. 11, life, science, and intellectual and ar-
Vulture, large bird of prey that 1922 d. Apr. 11, 2007), beloved tistic achievement on Earth and, on
feeds primarily on the carrion it American man-childrens author, side B, the album Baby Im-A Want
can wrestle away from James
who wrote such silly and whimsical You from the soft-rock band Bread.
Caan.
man-childrens books as Slaughter- Intended as a message of goodwill
house-Five and The Sirens Of Titan. from humanity to extraterrestrial
Man-children were delighted by the life and made of gold to endure in
works of the World War II veteran space forever, the Voyager records
who witnessed the firebombing of feature greetings in 55 different lan-
Dresden, collecting every single guages, sounds from natural phe-
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E

abdula, gland located inside the in every social situation, leading

ear that will cause one to ejaculate a others to wonder what the fuck that
40-foot jet of semen if properly persons problem is.
stimulated. entilate, just another thing Caro-
abdulectomy, removal of the line does perfectly.
abdula gland from the middle ear, erl Tide, extremely strong ocean
a surgical procedure deemed neces- surface current that dunks a swim-
sary when a patient has been shoot- mers head under water for a few
ing continuous 40-foot jets of seconds, lets the swimmer catch his
semen for a 72-hour period. or her breath, calls the swimmer a
queer, and then dunks his or her Twenty-third letter of the
aburb, small town or city located
English alphabet, which most
in low orbit (100 to 1,200 miles) head under water again. likely originated in the 12th
above a larger metropolitan area. city Atlanta fighting for custody of GAT, standardized test given in 36 century BC in the ancient
-Flat, single red key on a piano his two young children. Jordans American states that one must pass Phoenician city-state of
edemea. Our knowledge of its
keyboard. harrowing performance earned him in order to refuel ones vehicle at
origins, and the origins of the
amburger, stronger form of ham- the Academy Award for Best Actor, a self-service gasoline station. edemean people themselves,
burger that can only be purchased and four months later he won the The four-page GAT is short remains vague at best, as
with a federally issued permit. second of his eventual six NBA but comprehensive and evaluates every citizen of edemea
perished in 981 BC in what
anniscope, mechanical device Finals MVP awards. an individuals grasp of proper
archaeologists have called the
used to measure the precise amount effenating, popular youth fad passenger-car fueling techniques, largest act of mass suicide in
of embarrassment people feel when from the 1970s wherein partygoing safety standards, fuel chemistry (in- human history, during which

they discover that everyone around teenagers would spill scalding hot cluding octane ratings and stabiliz- some 230,000 people died
from hemlock poisoning.
them on the train, bus, or street can coffee on their genitals. The fad led ers), and various payment options. According to accounts from the
distinctly hear Cat Stevens Wild to cultural artifacts such as the mag- The test was originally drafted by period, the entire population of
World playing through their iPod azine effenating Monthly and the the National Highway Regulation edemea, including King H nan
okkad III, was found in neatly
earbuds. popular chart-topping radio single and atracation Council in 1997
lined rows of corpses in the city
-Rating, categorization for any effenatin (Feel The Burn) by and is now considered the federal square, the letter carved
film just like an X-rated feature, but KC and the Sunshine Band. standard. deeply in the foreheads of all
with ulching. elsistic Personality Disorder, dis- gonicous, Greek god of miscel- but the very young, who were
arranged in the shape of a giant
ara athalon, international ath- order in which the sufferer acts with lany who oversaw all the leftover
letter and torched alive. While
letic competition in which one has unfailing class, decorum, and grace areas of dominion unclaimed or un- linguists do not know the exact
to eash 15 miles, arno 4.5 miles, meaning of the letter , one

roul 28 feet two dozen times, and surviving edemean document

ENSTEIN, Eastern European country created by the United suggests it may embody the
istim in the Atlantic Ocean. Eric Nations in 1948 as a homeland for the non-Jewish Gypsies, homo- earthly form of a demon from
Lewis holds the world record in the sexuals, and disabled people who were targeted for extermination in edemean myth that was
ara athalon with a finishing time the Holocaust. Each year, enstein attracts thousands of homosexuals, believed to be both a creator

of two days, eight hours, 14 min- Gypsies, and individuals with disabilities who, by birthright, are and destroyer of worlds. Due to
automatically granted full citizenship. its aesthetic beauty, was
utes, and 32 seconds. adopted by the Phoenician,
arosis, condition in which one ex- Greek, and later Roman
periences an unexplained shooting empires, all of which eventually
perished. Sounded by sliding
pain in ones arm for approximately
the tongue along the palate,
one second before it goes away as past the teeth, and then back
Millions of gay,
quickly as it came. Sufferers typi- Romani, and again to form a soft or hard

cally ask themselves if they should special needs fricative depending on usage,
Holocaust the letter is one of the most
see a doctor, and then decide its not commonly enunciated
survivors poured in
necessary. to the country to consonants and vowels in the
artin Foster, acclaimed 1992 film claim what they English language.

starring NBA great Michael Jordan saw as their due

reparation.
as a heroin-addicted father in inner-
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 iation Eternity to Thomas ousman

wanted by the other deities of the

pantheon. An inconsequential fig- IPSY PRESTOS WORLD, 1985 platform video game by
world-renowned designer Ishi amoto that follows an illusionist
ure in most myths, gonicous was
who climbs inside an enchanted top hat and is transported to the
best known for roaming the throne marvelous realm of Magictropolis. The player controls ipsy Presto
room of Mount Olympus and ask- as he journeys across the nine levels of Magictropolis, coming up
ing his fellow immortals if there against an array of villains such as Baron Pinecone and his twig
were any spare natural phenomena, minions; the Crabots of Cyberbeach; Captain Thunder and the
emotions, or even general concepts cloud bandits; and the cow sorcerer Moodini of Mount Cadabra
while attempting to find the portal back home, where he must
he could take off their hands. An-
return to finish his magic show. ipsy Prestos World quickly became
cient Greek texts suggest gonicous one of the bestselling video games of its era, largely because of the
afkenpemblater, term for presided over an untold number of unique game play in which the protagonist could jump and fly with
buttonhole primarily used in odds and ends, including mildew, the aid of his tuxedo tails, collect hovering energy spheres that
haute couture. allowed him to freeze enemies with his magic wand, and eat red
rakes, limping, and folders. Wor-
shippers of gonicous paid tribute orchids that provided an extra life.
to their god with sacrificial rites in
which pretty much anything lying
around was tossed on a fire.
iation Eternity, Orson Welles
never completed final film, for
which the aging auteur commis-
sioned an operational earth digger,
hired more than 200,000 camels,
lost 150 pounds, constructed a
three-fifths model of Buenos Aires,
and cast Faye Dunaway, Gregory
Peck, Laurence Olivier, Katharine
Hepburn, Dustin Hoffman, Neil
Armstrong, Henry Kissinger, Drew
Barrymore, James Earl Jones, Bri-
There is a magic dove hidden on the boss battle screen of the third world.
gitte Bardot, and Martin Short be-
fore the production abruptly ended isters containing the only known 2003 and celebrity judge from 2004
16 months into shooting. By all ac- footage were destroyed, along with to present.
counts the most ambitious project an original copy of the Magna Carta iliophant, disingenuous person
the American film legend had ever and actor Richard Burton. who acts obsequiously toward a
undertaken, iation Eternity was icassoria, style of visual art prom- group of birds in an effort to gain
to be released in olar-O-Vision inent in the 1930s in which paint- status within the flock.
a technology invented by Welles ers, draftsmen, and sculptors intermine In Indigo, popular
and told the story of an English king brazenly ripped off a specific work 1927 song composed by George
ike Fir, type of evergreen tree who is killed in battle and reborn in by Pablo Picasso and then attached and Ira Gershwin in which the duo
that is impossible to chop down different eras as, variously, a wealthy a note to the work of art explaining, expressed their desire to burn New
and thus remains standing in the
middle of thousands of homes,
American plutocrat, a Spanish bull- in detail, that they were aware the York City to the ground and shoot
businesses, and major thorough- fighter, Shakespeares Caliban, and work was a rip-off of Picasso, that people to death as they ran from
fares throughout the world. Welles himself. Despite securing they consciously intended for it to their flame-engulfed buildings.
funding at the eleventh hour from a be a rip-off of Picasso, and that they .J. And Ben, situation comedy
mysterious Seychelles-based invest- didnt care in the slightest if that that ran for one complete season in
ment firm, Welles never completed bothered anyone. 1986, before it was learned the en-
the films climactic final scene, a me- icky icky, stage name of De ick tire cast and crew were wanted on
ticulous recreation of the eruption J. Stone, Miss Transgendered Grand weapons charges.
of Krakatoa, during which the can- Forks, North Dakota, from 1998 to moxia, acne medication whose
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E

MANUEL CHRISTMAS DAY, Christian holiday celebrated on February 4 to commemorate

the birth and death of the original Christ, Jesus manuel, who was stillborn to the Virgin Mary and her
husband Joseph a year before the eventual Messiah was born. While Christmas Day is generally a joyous
occasion, more somber, subdued traditions are followed in remembrance of the first holy fetus: manuel
Christmas Day is marked by evening services that include a long silence symbolizing the intense
awkwardness experienced by the people of Bethlehem who had gathered to witness the birth of Christ,
only to be informed that the first son of God had died in utero. On manuel Christmas morning, many
Catholics bake a loaf of bread, wrap it in linen, and bury it to emulate the way the body of Jesus manuel
was buried behind the manger where he had been miscarried. The festivities conclude with a modest
meal during which participants talk very little and make minimal eye contact, just as Joseph, Mary, and
the three magi did more than 2,000 years ago, prior to the wise men uncomfortably packing up their
gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh and beginning their long, disappointing journey back to the
Orient. oeber Square, thin barrier of
edible wax fitted between a
sandwichs peanut butter and jelly
layers so that the two spreads do
not combine their flavors until
chewed.

Those present agreed that the less that was mentioned in the New Testament about the incident, the better.

iconic television advertisements nous front paws, paralysis due to the 1950s, consisting of a tradit-
feature Academy Awardwinning botulism contracted at birth, beau- ional brim and a long, thin crown
actor and longtime acne sufferer tiful pre-Raphaelite coat, compati- that extends several feet into the air
Geoffrey Rush carefully applying bility with other cats, near incessant and then curves down to a pogo
the topical cream to his face while coughing up of blood and bile, rela- stick attached to the hats peak,
uttering the tagline, Okay, here we tively large pointed earsor no allowing businessmen to bounce
go. This should take care of it. ears, in cases where the cats have from appointment to appointment.
obarth Entrance, film stunt gnawed them off in paranoid opazoid, geometric figure with six
named after famed stuntman Neil maniapatience with children, sides, three half-sides, two curves, rait, landmass that connects
obarth in which a lawyer charac- consumption of its own children, and a faint, earthy aroma. two other landmasses of the
same size.
ters double zip-lines from a tall tail that is basically just a copper ousman, Thomas (b. Dec. 12,
building through the window of a wire, daytime activeness when not 1851), English poet admired in the
court house to begin his or her wheezing, hernia extending up its Edwardian era whose best known
opening statement. entire stomach that often bursts in a works include The Doleful Pond,
odale Gray, breed of cat known hail of blood and guts, and great As I Walked Through York At Suns
for its playfulness, high intelligence, love of affection from its owners. Fall, and Elegy for es erelda. At
timidity around strangers, gangre- omdora, mens hat fashionable in 160 years of age, he is also the
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 pedaxleness to War On Terror

worlds oldest living human, stud- revolutions per minute. In the most udle, unit of measurement equiva-
ied avidly by doctors worldwide as severe cases, the hands and feet spin lent to the distance a man of average
a medical miracle. ousman is gen- so fast they become a blur, with size can push a wheelbarrow filled
erally despised by the modern pub- high levels of friction causing smoke with pineapples before stopping to
lic for his poems, which by current to billow from the victims wrists catch his breath.
standards are crude and incoherent, and ankles. Spells can last 72 hours ullick Pants, type of fancier sweat-
and for his largely abhorrent views or more, sometimes requiring the pant that is technically allowed to
on race and gender, which he de- person to be fitted for special thera- be worn to formal occasions, al-
clares loudly and often from the bal- peutic socks and gloves that reduce though regular pants are still greatly
cony of his rent-controlled flat in torque and aid in muscle control. preferred and appreciated.
ubi-Clean, chemical cleaning Londons East End. Though rare, in isolated cases the ulsieg Tower, gleaming 1,600-foot
agent used frequently in the 1950s pedaxleness, specific satisfaction extremities can erf in such a way tall tower in the center of Berlin
until its eventual recall following derived from realizing one learned that one involuntarily elevates off built to celebrate Germanys victory
the discovery of its tendency to
to ride a bicycle way faster than the ground and shoots straight up in World War II that was unfortu-
produce complete liquefaction in
its users ocular cavities. ones son or daughter. through the roof of ones home. nately completed months ahead of
phrellum, small droplet of semen rhomas Droyved, high-end Arme- schedule and is impossible to
instinctively ejected from the penis nian retailer that sells kitchenware dismantle.
of a Wall Street broker upon hear- such as electronic mortars and pes- untins Cliff, Philip Roth novel in
ing the opening trading bell. tles, lizard peelers, turnip warmers, which the protagonist starts off as a
romboxlyoid, active ingredient in and goat de-veiners. housewife in 1990s Orlando before
the Alzheimers medication De en- rufilistle, chickens pubic feathers. Roth gives up two chapters in and
six, which repairs degenerative neu- runto, informal salutation used just makes her a boy growing up in
ral structures by disintegrating when greeting persons wearing Newark, New Jersey, in the 1950s.
senile plaques and unraveling braces or other orthodontics. ie, term set aside for a
neurofibrillary tangles to restore tamination, breach of protocol in 120,000-pound yak, should one
long-term memory function and which surgery is performed with a ever be discovered.
completely eliminate all symptoms marionette that has not been prop- wenk, gesture that is particularly
of the degenerative brain disease. erly sterilized. meaningful between a nations pres-
u fe sa et, small sophone, hybrid musical instru- tegry, act of forging someones sig- ident and its vice president.
commercial fishing town in ment that consists of a piano being nature to rent a steam cleaner. xuber, inedible root vegetable that
Maine known for its unusually pushed off a roof and onto a drum ubbins, Greg (b. May 4, 1954), is harvested solely to be launched
high concentration of white
set on the ground below. rightful secretary of Housing and out of tennis ball cannons.
people.
undle Sac, small, sealable plastic Urban Development, who has been yromanthy, art of creating juices
bag that emerges from the birth ca- in exile since 2009. The veteran out of items not conventionally
nal during the delivery of a baby ubbins, who served for 13 years considered juicible.
and that is used to cleanly and safely under both Republican and Demo- yrth Of South Brunswick, The,
dispose of the placenta, umbilical cratic administrations, was woken short story by Edgar Allan Poe
cord, amniotic fluid, and other fetal in the middle of the night by aides about a man who is slowly driven
membranes. and told he and his family would mad by the song of a yrth outside
urfing Extremities, medical con- have to flee the capital immediately, his library window, until someone
dition in which ones hands and feet as forces loyal to his rival and cur- else hears the bird and shoos it
uncontrollably rotate as if attempt- rent secretary of Health and Hu- away, leaving the protagonist with
ing to unscrew themselves from the man Services Shaun Donovan were enough peace to get some account-
body. E typically affects adoles- closing in. ubbins whereabouts ing done, which is explored in the
cents and young adults, manifesting are not known, but he releases regu- last seven pages of the story.
willer Un-Toaster, trademark first as a tingling in the fingers and lar videos denouncing Donovans zalta, style of dance in which the
name for the common kitchen toes, and soon giving way to violent regime and patiently waits for the dancers do not perform and the au-
appliance used for un-browning counterclockwise rotation of the day when he will reclaim his right- dience is allowed to devote its eve-
toast.
limbs that can reach speeds of 300 ful seat in the Cabinet Room. ning to something more enjoyable.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E W

Walk This Way, 1986 landmark during a talent show at the 2006 gathered around a computer in

W
Run-DMC/Aerosmith rerecording Champaign County Fair in Urbana, Langley while a photo of a Kabul
of Aerosmiths 1976 hit, recognized Illinois. Rufus, who led by clasping marketplace is enlarged, followed
as the first rock/rap collaboration. a leg around the trainers waist and by the grave utterance, Thats our
Unknown to the artists at the time, placing his partners hand in his guy. In Berlin, a door is kicked
it unlocked a foul, subterranean paw, elegantly glided across the down. Somebody yells, Get
portal from the depths of which stage and narrowly defeated a down! Somebody in Boston looks
Limp Bizkit would one day emerge. 3-year-old Pekingese who spun in up from top-secret documents and Ww . uu
Wall Street, seedy district of Lower circles to Tchaikovskys Dance Of asks, Does Harrison know about Twenty-fourth letter of the
basic modern English alphabet,
Manhattan specifically zoned for The Sugar Plum Fairy. Rufus first- this? Somebody finds an audio-
used when one U just isnt
performing lewd acts on peoples place prize was a blue ribbon and a tape in his locker. Who put it there? enough firepower. The
retirement savings. chewy pork treat. The sound of a camera taking pho- consonant, developed from a
Wallace, David Foster 1
War On Terror, global security ini- tos of a suspicious man exiting an bilabial fricative in early
medieval Latin, can be found in
Walton, Sam (b. Mar. 29, 1918 tiative undertaken by the United Islamic bookstore. Soldiers patrol-
words, such as wharf and
d. Apr. 5, 1992), Wal-Mart founder States and its allies. This ongoing ling an Afghan village have a bad wagon, in which a single U
and American businessman who conflict is a Pakistani man passing feeling this timethey dont know aint gonna cut it and its time
accomplished his goal of starting a sensitive information to an under- why, they just do. A grainy video- to bring out the big boys,
double that baby up, and hit
discount retail chain where every cover CIA agent on an Islamabad tape. A courtroom sketch of a sus-
em with both barrels.
citizen could afford to shop and no street corner. A member of a terror- pected terrorist on trial. Men in red Commonly used in Old High
one could afford to work. ist cell sitting in a hot, pizza-box- skullcaps walk in a single-file line German, W became
increasingly common in English
Waltz, style of ballroom dance in littered Queens apartment, smok- behind a barbed-wire fence. FBI,
by 1300, when it became clear
triple time that was most memora- ing a cigarette, nervously testing a CIA, NSA, DHSthe chatter has that sometimes a U needs
bly performed by Rufus, a bull ter- triggering mechanism, and jumping gone quiet. A bomb goes off. Many major backup from a letter that
rier wearing a tutu, and his trainer when the phone rings. Men in suits bombs go off. Mr. President, we can bust in and just fucking
unload on a word, because if
theres one thing linguists
LOVE OF HUNTING WOULD SEW UP NRA VOTE STANCE ON SLAVERY agree on, its that you never,
Slaves he owned could wrestle him ever bring a U to a W fight.
George Washington
for their freedom; Washington
(b. Feb. 22, 1732 d. Dec. 14, 1799), American finished with a 198-to-4 win-loss
military and political leader who would have to record
play up the fact that he led the Continental Army
GREATEST MILITARY
to victory over the British in the Revolutionary
ACCOMPLISHMENT
War to have any chance of winning key swing
Not flipping the boat over while
states like Florida and Ohio. A Founding Father crossing the Delaware River, despite
of the United States and a framer of the U.S. Constitution, Washing- his insistence on standing up almost
ton would really need to hammer those talking points home unless the whole time and twice running
he wanted them to get lost in the 24-hour news cycle, especially suddenly to the back of the boat
since there are a number of voters out there who would think of when he thought he saw an otter
him as a Washington insider. Baptized in the Church of England,
HEIGHT
Washington was not especially religious, so he would have no shot
62 standing; 84 on horseback;
of winning the Evangelical vote, but then again, a few photo ops of 112 standing on horseback;
him coming in and out of church, a high-profile dinner with Billy 1,2562 standing atop the Empire
Graham, and his decisive victory at Yorktown certainly couldnt State Building (projected)
hurt with white Christian males. The cherry tree thing would get
younger people to the polls. Even if it wasnt true, kids remember it. ON THE BATTLEFIELD
No matter what, though, because Washington honorably stepped Washington actually betrayed the
Continental Army more than 30
down from the presidency in 1797 after two terms in office, he
times but didnt want to disappoint
would constantly have to beat back accusations from the Right that everyone who was really into him
he was un-American. being president

1
(b. Feb. 21, 1962 d. Sept. 12, 2008), American author of fiction and nonfiction known for works such as the story collection Girl With Curious Hair (1989), the essay
collection A Supposedly Fun Thing Ill Never Do Again (1997), and his magnum opus, the novel Infinite Jest (1996).
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W A n dy Wa rh ol t o Wa t e r ga t e S c a n d a l

CITIES OF THE WORLD

Washington, D.C.
City on the Potomac River that became the U.S. capital
in 1790, and was considered an obvious choice since it
was already home to the White House, the Capitol
Building, the Supreme Court, the U.S. Constitution,
the Federal Reserve Bank, the Pentagon, the National
Archives, the Martin Luther King, Jr., Memorial, the
Department of Homeland Security, and almost 200
foreign embassies. Prior to 1790, both Philadelphia and As home to all three branches of the federal
New York City served as capitals, though neither made government, Washington, D.C., was an obvious
as much sense as D.C. because they lacked a National choice to be capital of the United States.
Mall, the Jefferson Memorial, the FDR Memorial, the
president of the United States, the Department of Justice, and all three branches of government. Washing-
ton, D.C., is expected to remain the U.S. capital indefinitely, unless Chicago, San Francisco, or Toledo, Ohio,
Watch, timepiece worn by men manages to construct better buildings for every department of the government, establish local headquarters
who wish to draw attention to for several hundred national and international governing bodies, and dig new graves for the roughly 300,000
their beautiful, beautiful wrists. soldiers buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

have a problem. An image of a cry- Revolutionary War as a way to en- ing himself to see what trouble the
ing child. Blood. The Homeland tertain weary troops and boost mo- good wife has gotten herself into.
Security director speaks. The leader rale. While wintering at Valley He would return moments later
of al-Qaeda speaks. The president Forge, Washington would often dressed as the irascible Mrs. Wash-
speaks: We will not rest. We will strap two cannon balls into a corset, ington, tell ribald jokes, and start
not tire. We will not stop until this rouge his cheeks, burst unexpect- raucous suggestive dances with the
danger to civilization is removed. actual wives of Benjamin Franklin,
Warhol, Andy (b. Aug. 6, 1928 John Adams, and Thomas Jeffer-
d. Feb. 22, 1987), leading figure of son, among others. After Washing-
the pop art movement whose style tons death in 1799, Martha Wash-
has been brazenly copied by count- ington was played for several more
less other artists, every single one of years by Washingtons closest
whom Warhol would have loved. friend, John Beamer, to honor the
VOICES OF HISTORY
Warmonger, person who peddles presidents legacy.
In the future, everyone war from a stall in the town square Water, clear, odorless, tasteless liq-
will be famous for oh or travels the countryside in a rick- uid (H2O) that almost single-
look, its Truman ety old war cart, hawking war from handedly revived the moribund car
Capote! Lets stand village to village. wash industry. Prior to the intro-
outside this restaurant Warren Report, 888-page report duction of water at the Tucson,
and watch him eat. on the assassination of President Arizona, Wash-Rite location by
ANDY WARHOL John F. Kennedy that was criticized founder Mike Spivey in 1986, an
for including a tiny collectible edly into the mess tent during meal- automobile was cleaned by spray-
shard of JFKs skull in every time, and shout, Look out, boys, ing it with acid, syrup, or olive oil,
edition. its the generals wife, Mrs. Washing- or by coating it with sand and then
Washington, Martha (b. June 2, ton! Ooh-la-la! much to his mens scrubbing it with a smooth rock or
1731 d. May 22, 1802), female alter merriment and delight. During steel wool until the grit was ground
ego of American president George Washingtons presidency, Martha seamlessly into the cars exterior. At
Washington. The over-the-top bur- sometimes made impromptu ap- the customers request, an addi-
lesque character Martha was first pearances during salons with the tional polish could be applied by
conceived by the famed American other Founding Fathers after Wash- pelting the vehicle with handfuls of
general and statesman during the ington would make a show of excus- roofing nails. Though water al-
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E W

lowed for the cleansing of automo-

biles without scraping off 95 per-
cent of the paint, the car wash
business model did not reach its full
potential until much later, when it
was discovered that a towel could
dry an automobile just as well as
setting it on fire.
Water Lilies, series of oil paintings
by French impressionist Claude
Monet, who believed the water lil-
ies in his Giverny garden were actu-
ally alien pods sent down to enslave Depictions of the Washington Monument have been found in examples of
prehistoric cave art from around the world.
humanity. While the Water Lilies
paintings are regarded as beautiful WASHINGTON MONUMENT, unique white rock
depictions of nature, the increas- formation of unknown origin, estimated by geologists to be at least 3
WATER LILIES
ingly paranoid Monet saw them as billion years old and thought to possess arcane supernatural powers. One of Monets beautiful,
English settlers exploring Maryland first came across the Washing- alien-invasion-obsessed oil
renderings of the celestial eggs that
ton Monument in 1640 and abandoned their farms to feverishly masterpieces.
were draining nutrients from the construct the city of Washington, D.C., around the 555-foot tall
water and would soon hatch, releas- alabaster obelisk. By 1641, all British colonists had taken on the
ing the extraterrestrials sent to con- surname Washington, pledged fealty to the granite formation, and
quer the world. The paintings, dedicated their lives to working as its caretakers; this role was passed
which Monet considered warnings down from generation to generation, the most famous superinten-
dent being George Washington, who was also the first president of
and the only hope for the human
the United States. Paleogeographers who specialize in the Washing-
race, are quintessential examples of ton Monument theorize that the spectacular rock formation was
the broad and rapid brushwork located at the exact center of the Pangaea supercontinent, and may in
characteristic of the Impressionist fact have played some part in catalyzing continental drift 250 million
style. years ago. Likewise, paleontologists have found fossilized evidence
Watergate Scandal, American po- suggesting the Washington Monument played an important role in
the lives of dinosaurs in the Mesozoic Era, providing a safe habitat
litical scandal broken by Washing-
for building nests and mating. Millions of years later, the Paleo-Indi-
ton Post reporters Bob Woodward ans who migrated to North America utilized the Washington
and Carl Bernstein when President Monument for religious rituals and performed hundreds of human
Richard Nixon called Woodward sacrifices on the tip of the obelisk, causing blood to flow down the
and said, Bob, its Richard Nixon. I 797 steps and fill the natural depression that is now called the
ordered the illegal break-in of the Capitol Reflecting Pool. Carbon-dating technology recently revealed
that every 2 million years the Washington Monument emits a
Watergate Hotel last night so I
powerful beam of energy that eradicates all life on the planet.
could gather information about my
presidential opponent George Mc-
Govern. This is President Richard low the money because it ultimately were also transcripts of the meet-
Nixon. Do you have any ques- led all the way to the White House, ings that he could personally send
tions? After a series of follow-up Nixons chief of staff H.R. Halde- the reporter if he wanted hard cop- Waterfall, place where water
goes to end it all.
telephone calls in which Nixon re- man, and Nixon himself. The inves- ies. The scandal eventually blew
peatedly spelled the names of his tigation continued when Nixon wide open in 1974 when Nixon
co-conspirators so there would be called Woodward one evening and showed up at the Washington Post
no errors in Woodwards articles, told him that, as they spoke, he was newsroom and typed a story in
Nixon met with Woodward in destroying Oval Office audio re- front of the entire staff about how
brightly lit department store park- cordings of himself ordering the several of the Watergate burglars
ing lots and crowded restaurants, Watergate break-in, but that Wood- had committed perjury during their
telling the intrepid reporter to fol- ward shouldnt worry because there initial trial.
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W

War
First resort in conflict resolution before opposing nations are forced to
engage in diplomacy. Hoping to prevent a drawn-out, nightmarish round of
statesmanship that could result in hundreds of thousands of lives saved, two
or more embittered nations first try to overcome their differences by
deploying their armed forces to kill as many of the other sides soldiers as
possible. If the unrelenting use of lethal force breaks down and warring
parties find themselves on the brink of diplomacya tragic scenario both
sides work to avoid at all coststhey are left with no other choice than to
abandon their wholesale slaughter and meet face to face to civilly divide up
contested territory. Often, however, a clear victor will emerge before war
spirals into an all-out ceasefire, saving that nations citizens from ever having
to witness the horrors of nonviolent compromise.

MODERN WARFARE WAR INVENTIONS skipping through unfamiliar

In the postWorld War II era, warfare can be enemy territory.
Button: A great technologi-
defined as a highly coordinated, technologi-
cal advancement on the Navy: Military branch that
cally driven undertaking that, considering how
trigger, the button must ended the longstanding
busy everyone is, its really pretty amazing
simply be pressed with the practice of marching legions
anyone has the time to organize and see
finger in order to take the of foot soldiers into the
through. Unlike the earlier centuries, when
lives of anywhere from one ocean until they drowned 50
military leaders didnt have to worry about
to 1 million people. feet out or so.
checking their e-mails 24/7 and could actually
focus on executing sweeping, large-scale MRE (Meal Ready To Eat): Radar: Detection system
campaigns aimed at destroying enemy nations, Freeze-dried meal in pouch that helps armies feel better
modern warfare is characterized by trying to that can be prepared on the about killing civilians, as
squeeze in a tactical strike between meetings, battlefield with only hot radar reduces all human
but wouldnt you know, another meeting was wedding anniversary next week, there arent beings to little green dots
water and a skilled team of
scheduled between meetings and there are still enough hours in the day to pore over millions regardless of whether they
sous chefs.
14 voicemails that need to be checked and of terabytes of military data. It may be possible are enemies or innocent
to fit in an innovation in electronic warfare at Brothel: House of noncombatants.
apparently theres some crisis at day care this
lunch, but one hasnt been to the gym in weeks prostitution designed to keep
morning. While advancements in information
and, with what the doctor said about ones the sexual appetites of Tank: Armored combat
and communications technology have had a
cholesterol, it looks as though planning a soldiers in check, lest they vehicle that was far more
major impact on military strategy in recent
covert invasion based on CIA-gathered begin to feel romantically efficient than having five or
decades, between all the bills due at the end of
information is just going to have to wait until toward the enemy. six troops on bicycles
the month, and all the movies building up in
things are a little less crazy. struggling to carry a cannon.
ones Netflix queue, and, fuck, its ones 15th Parachute: Device worn by
paratroopers to give people on Barracks: Building that
the ground an easier shot. provided lodging and beds for
soldiers rather than having
Net: Mesh fabric device used them all sleep in one big pile.
for collecting prisoners of
war with rare or unusual Blackhawk Helicopter:
military rankings. Fulfilled U.S. military
Toppling The Statue demand for at least one
Land Mine: Explosive placed helicopter to go down in
Of Saddam Hussein just under the surface of the
To celebrate their victory over Iraq, every battle.
ground that all but ended the
American forces pulled a statue of
practice of pretending to lift
Saddam Hussein to the ground,
the hem of ones skirt and
where it would stay for the
remaining eight years of the war.

RULES OF WAR: A TIMELINE

3500 BC AD 476800 10951291 18531856 1864 1865
Sumer-Akkad War Dark Ages Crusades Crimean War First Geneva American Civil War
The first war in history Noncombatants Knights are bound by First war to establish Convention Many Americans came
establishes the rule officially declared fair chivalry to bring the that war is a brutal Came out around to the idea that
that brutally murdering game. body of a fallen and ultimately strongly against teenagers on the
a human being whom opponent home to his meaningless the use of frontline should
you have never seen family each time endeavor, a fact that torture that probably be armed
before in your life is a before returning to the had not been true in people find out with more than drums
thing that is okay to battlefield. previous wars. about. and flutes.
do in a war.

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E W

SOLDIERS Sioux Warrior

THROUGHOUT Yeah, these guys
never had a
TIME chance

Dragoon
Viking Relied heavily on
Sweet Jesus an intimidating-
sounding name to
cover up what was
essentially just a
guy on a horse

Spartan
Elite ancient warrior
trained from
childhood in combat
Mounted Allosaurus and military strategy
Brigadier who still would have
154,842,110 bc been completely
obliterated by even
one Tomahawk
missile

U.S. Soldier In Korea

Wore light, durable boots
designed for taking and
then ceding 30 miles of
territory Mounted
Cybersaurus
Brigadier
ad 290,376

Nazi Officer
Highly detailed uniforms
added a touch of elegance to
the forced extermination of an U.S. Soldier In Iraq
entire race of people Extremely mobile and agile,
as they didnt have any of IED-Sniffing Dog
that stubborn body armor Didnt want to be in
to weigh them down Iraq, either

19141918 1946 1949 1966 1975 1994 2034

World War I No running. Rules governing The upper arm was Vietnam War U.N. Convention on Russo-Seychelles War
Mustard-gassing humane treatment of added to the foot and Viet Cong fined $65,000 War Safety requires According to Article 5 of the Van
of corpses was POWs forbid forcible hand as an acceptable for violating building combat zones to be BraakWestern Alliance
declared cruel sodomy with any place to shoot oneself codes for digging punji childproofed. Conventions, sonic-neural
and unusual, but object longer than in order to get sent pits that failed to meet technology may not be used
allowable. 5-and-a-half inches. home. the minimum depth and against a prisoner of war unless
number of pointed sticks said prisoner has already been
covered in feces infused with at least 3,500
requirements. milligrams of blood-orchid serum.

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W Wa r

FAMOUS MILITARY Artifacts Of War

FIGURES
A SOLDIERS LETTER HOME
William FROM THE WAR OF 1812
Tecumseh
Sherman
Union general
during the
American Civil
War, notable for
his attempt to win the hearts and
minds of Georgia Confederate
citizens by burning their shitty
state to the ground.

Ambrose
Burnside
Union Army
general who
redefined
military facial
hair, single-
handedly devising the sideburns, Propaganda
the broomstache, the whisker Used by governments to display
tuxedo, Spotsylvania scruff, the to citizens that if they are stupid
enough to be swayed by a poster,
wiry wings of God, abolitionists they should just do what the
shock, the senator, cheek government says anyway.
marmots, and the Sultans delight.

Shunroku
Kuriboshi
Japanese general,
mass murderer,
and cruel despot
known as the
Japanese Hitler
and Leviathan of Evil in the
alternate reality in which he didnt
die of scarlet fever at the age of 2.

George S.
Patton Washington Crossing
World War I The Delaware
colonel and Famous oil painting that
has many factual
World War II inaccuracies: The flag
general who sat is incorrect, the boat is
during the wrong model, the
peacetime in a dark room, fists river is too wide, the
men didnt bring horses
clenched, convulsing. across the Delaware,
and Washingtons pose
is wrong. This is a bad
Mike Murph painting.
Murphy
South Boston
theorist often
credited with
the concept of
giving those
assholes in Iraq 24 hours to turn Napoleon Crossing The
The Mona Lisa
over bin Laden or else we drop an Alps
This sadistic bitch who just sat there
The French emperor would
A-bomb and leave no fucking with a psychotic smile on her face
strike fear into the hearts of
camel standing. while dead bodies piled up around
his enemies by making his
her during the Great War of Italy.
horse do a wheelie.

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WAR PHOTOGRAPHY Indelible images that capture the complexity of human conflict BATTLE TACTICS
False Colors
Flying a flag of a country other than ones own to lure
an enemy into danger is a longstanding military tactic.
Traditionally, a smaller solid-green flag is raised
underneath the decoy to indicate sarcasm.

Showing Up With A Bunch Of Guys

First used in the Battle of Smolensk by Napoleon, who
showed up with like seven other dudes, including this
one guy who was really fucking huge.

Desertion
A highly effective tactical maneuver when one is
attempting to not end up with ones guts in ones hands.

Kamikaze Attack
Japanese maneuver in World War II in which fighter
pilots scanned the decks of American naval vessels for
the weakest-looking guys and crashed their planes into
them.

Insurgent Warfare
Style of combat that the U.S. military is totally going to
The American Civil War World War I handle next time.

Sneak Retreat
Soldiers creep up on a sleeping enemy encampment
and then flee in panic without firing a single shot. When
the enemies wake up in the morning, they see the
remnants of the sneak retreat and realize theyre
dealing with some pretty crazy motherfuckers.

Phalanx
A tight-knit infantry formation that renders it impossible
for the opposing army to tell from whom the smell of
feces is emanating.

Brutal Firebombing Of The City Of Dresden

Useful only in very, very specific historical instances of
war, but hugely effective in those cases.

Genocide
Total extermination of a race or group that, as long as
were talking war here, is undeniably useful.

Pincer Movement
Soldiers form into giant claw that snips enemy in half.

Groman Show Of Force

World War II The Vietnam War Entire army eats a chicken as fast as it possible can.

MILITARY INSIGNIA

Danger Penny One Star Two Star Two And A Half Stars Three Stars Four Stars
Electrified corporal Cool way to pretend that Loser general General who is still Pleasant but underwhelm- General whos getting kind Total star-hound
you have a special deciding if the military is ing general who is of serious about this star
Abraham Lincoln Medal for him or if he wants to go hampered by hackneyed thing
back to school leadership lacking any real
emotional depth

Five Stars Six Stars Wings 3 Stripes One Stripe And One Stripe
Two-star general and Luxury general Soldier who has met a pilot Stripe Master One Star Guy who needs to start
three-star general trapped Private General thinking about finding a way
inside the same body to get some more stripes

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W B a t t l e O f Wa t e rl o o t o We a p o n

Waterloo, Battle Of, decisive mili- it. We feed off it. Anytime some- distraught citizens turning to either
tary encounter in which the Duke body else is getting just a little taste blubbering or boohooing. The wars
of Wellingtons Anglo-Allied forces of success, we have to find some and social upheaval of the 1960s
defeated Napolon and the Impe- way to bring them down, because and 1970s saw many Americans
rial French Army, sure, but can we God forbid the next guy has his shit crying their eyes out, a technique
talk for a moment about Napolons a little more together or gets a that eventually gave way to wailing
series of spectacular military victo- slightly bigger piece of the pie. It all in the 1980s and 1990s, and, for a
ries from 1799 to 1812? Or is focus- comes down to one thing, really: six-month period in 1993, yowling.
ing solely on a persons failures fear. Fear that maybe were actually Since the new millennium, most
more important in our culture now- not as good, or as talented, or that people quiver before releasing a few
adays? Wellingtons army withstood maybe we know in our heart of solitary tears, though a growing
repeated advances by French forces, hearts that we havent put in the ef- number have dealt with the fallout
West, Mae (b. Aug. 17, 1893
d. Nov. 22, 1980), legendary while the Prussian army broke fort. Fear that our station in life is from the 2008 financial crisis by
American actress whose crooked through Napolons right flank, so, set, and that others are passing us completely losing their shit.
posture; odd, inexpressive face; yes, it was a mistake for Napolon by, not because they got lucky, but Well, Monica Couldnt Have Any
and confrontational personality
to think he could defeat two armies because we were lazy. Because they Because Shes Allergic To Gluten,
instantly made her an interna-
tional sex symbol. at once, but of course in a society earned it, and we didnt. Napolon phrase overheard from a passing
where negativity and pessimism is was a great general. The way he man talking loudly on cell phone.
the norm we would just write the routed a multinational coalition in Western Alliance, international po-
guy off as a dangerously delusional the Battle of Dresden was goddamn litical alignment composed of Rus-
megalomaniac instead of maybe impressive and nothing can ever sia, Taiwan, Finland, the former

WA
talking about how Napolon was take that away from him. United States,
mostly a terrific general who did an Waterskiing, activity invented in and the various
outstanding job during the battles total defiance of Gods will and satellite coun-
of Wagram, Smolensk, and Boro- developed sheerly from the furious, tries and city-states making up the
dino. You know what, though? For- impotent anger people feel at being Van Braak Consortium. The West-
get Napolon for a second, because forced to live as sentient creatures ern Alliance was formed in opposi-
this goes well beyond any one man: in a fleeting and meaningless world. tion to the Sino-Quint Powersa
The problemand its endemic to Waterskiing is regarded as humani- tripartite union comprising China,
all of modern societyis that weve tys way of telling God we will hate the Republic of Seychelles, and the
become so quick to find the flaws in Him forever for bringing the flawed, bureaucratic arm of the Quint
others that we are virtually incapa- decaying putrescence of our mortal Groupand states as its political
ble of putting our petty jealousies bodies into existence, and waving aims new-world humanism, post-
aside and giving people the credit excitedly while being pulled across Orbian disarmament and realign-
they deserve. Instead of Congratu- a lake on planks of wood by a speed- ment, and the dissolution of the
lations, its I could have done bet- boat is a clear message to God that Oberon II Bloc. Defined by
ter. Instead of You worked hard; we will never forgive Him for the Sino-Quint nations as a rebel
you deserve your success, its Hes cruel fate with which He has bur- movement as opposed to an offi-
lucky; he must have known some- dened us. cially recognized political body, the
one to get to where he is. And then Weeping, type of crying fashion- Western Alliance is believed to be
Whiskey, lets get through a we hold people to such an impossi- able in the 1940s among World War headquartered somewhere in the
little more knowledge first. ble standard that when they ulti- II widows that was displaced in the Great North Woods of the former
Later, though.
mately do fail, even the slightest bit, 1950s by the more discreet and Maine.
that becomes our green light to emotional act of sobbing. Before Whisker, specialized facial hair that
pounce. And oh, boy, do we pounce. weeping came into vogue, bawling helps human males navigate in the
The fangs come out and we just tear was the preferred method of break- darkness to find food. The males
them to shreds. And why? Because ing down, practiced exclusively can successfully maneuver around
we crave failure in others. We get from the turn of century until 1914, obstacles and guide themselves
some sort of sick satisfaction from when the outset of World War I saw without the aid of sight by slowly
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E W

Weapon
Any object commonly used by humans throughout history to slash, stab, maim, mutilate, cave in a ribcage, slice off a face, sever neck
tendons, explode a lower torso, slit a belly until the entrails tumble out, cover villagers with burns and blisters from a hundred miles away,
reduce 50 people eating at a caf to an undifferentiated pile of gore and personal belongings, gouge out genitalia for a belt buckle, or splatter
a head against a wall so theres nothing left but a lower jaw attached to a neck and arms flapping around purely from reflex.

KNIFE MACHETE BATTLE AX CROSSBOW

Convenient device perfect for Used to clear areas thick with Weapon all soldiers used Fucking crossbow, dude
slicing open a jugular vein or people during World War IIs Battle
buttering a blueberry muffin of Hastings Throwback Day

MEAT CLEAVER SHIV MACE UZI

Tool with broad blade that is Makeshift knife used by prison- Blunt, club-like weapon One uzi, good. Two uzis, better.
not traditionally used as a ers to stab their pillows when without which the Middle Three uzis, thats got to be hard
weapon, with the exception of they feel angry and need to let off Ages would have been simply to hold two in one hand but,
the Franco-Brisket Wars of some steam unbearable sure, whatever. Four uzis, bravo,
184247 everybody look at the big hand
man, is that what you want?

PIKE MUSKET NIGHTSTICK TORPEDO

Extremely long, pointed So excruciatingly slow and Used by law enforcement to Underwater missile piloted
pole exceptional at complicated to reload that most wipe that smug look off a by a trained suicide-eel
circumventing restraining infantrymen would stick the barrel suspects face
orders in their mouth, pull the trigger with
a toe, and hope for the best

FLAME THROWER HOWITZER TANK ATOMIC BOMB

Nonlethal crowd-control device Used during hunting season to Amazing machine that combines the Pretty incredible that things got
take out an entire herd of deer fun of driving with the entertainment this far, isnt it? Wow.
at once of blowing up shit with a massive gun

HOW TO MENACINGLY 2. Lean back in a chair insouciantly and 4. Test the knife blade with your
SHARPEN A KNIFE continue to stare. Chuckle to yourself thumb. Comment on its sharpness
about something. and about how it is now perfect for
What you will need: whetstone, knife
skinning little piggies who wandered
preferably more than 6 inches long.
3. After several minutes, say aloud, too far from home.
Shirt optional.
You aint from around here, are ya?
1. Without breaking eye contact, (Note: Nice shoes. I sure do like them 5. Slowly cut slice of apple and eat
slowly spit on the whetstone and begin shoes. Whered you get such straight from blade while informing
sharpening the knife using long, expensive-lookin shoes? is also those who uncomfortably get up to
deliberate strokes. acceptable.) leave that youll be seeing them
real soon.

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W W h i t e Hou se t o Tige r Wood s

COULDVE DONE ANYTHING brushing the highly sensitive folli-

WITH HIS LIFE
Woodrow Wilson cles against various objects such as
walls, cupboards, tables, chairs,
(b. Dec. 28,
doorframes, and the floor.
1856 d. Feb.
White House, official residence of
3, 1924),
28th the president of the United States
president of where, it would be fair to assume,
the United the commander in chief occasion-
States, who ally suffers from bouts of violent
never lived up to his familys
diarrhea. Located at 1600 Pennsyl-
expectations, especially those
of his mother and father, who vania Avenue in Washington, D.C.,
thought such a smart young the house was first occupied by
man could have amounted to President John Adams, who turned
so much more. A Princeton it over a year later to Thomas Jeffer- For more than 200 years, the White House has been the official residence of the
graduate and the only U.S. president and, presumably, his occasional bouts of diarrhea.
son, and both men, at one point or
president ever to hold a Ph.D.,
another, more than likely had some cist groups such as the Ku Klux of America, a country that is and al-
Wilson seemed poised to
become a doctor, lawyer, or sort of intestinal inflammation that Klan and Aryan Nations strive to ways has been incredibly tolerant
professor, which is why his caused them to charge bowlegged help whites feel confident in them- and supportive of eccentric gay
decision to abandon his into what was then probably a privy selves and their ability to get out poets.
education and run for or water closet to expel the lique- there and show the world what Widow, woman whose husband has
president in 1912 was so fied contents of their bowels. In Caucasians can do. Through rallies, faked his death and moved to Bar-
disappointing to those closest
1901 President Theodore Roos- inspirational books, and uplifting bados with a restaurant hostess he
to himthough in his
presence all displayed a polite, evelt had all work-related offices re- motivational speeches, white su- met at an Indian casino.
if strained, interest in his located to the West Wing where he, premacy has enabled millions to Wilder, Laura Ingalls (b. Feb. 7,
support for lower tariffs, the just like any other human being, lead full, rich white lives and say 1867 d. Feb. 10, 1957), 19th-cen-
Federal Trade Commission, probably had to sheepishly excuse yes to their white skin in a way tury American author who wrote
and restrictions on child himself from a meeting every so of- they never imagined possible, pre- about life on the prairie and who, if
labor. Wilson is remembered
ten in a desperate attempt to avoid paring them to be the best white alive today, would probably be one
for his leadership of the
United States during World shitting himself in front of his aides, person that they can be. of those fucking insufferable food
War I and for his advocacy of personal secretaries, and Cabinet Whitman, Walt (b. May 31, 1819 bloggers.
the League of Nations, two members. Built in the neoclassical d. Mar. 26, 1892), 19th-century Williams, Ted (b. Aug. 30, 1918
accomplishments his family style, the White House has served d. July 5, 2002), American baseball
would nod at and describe as as the primary residence for every player and accomplished student of
quite interesting, though
president but Washington, and ev- hitting who graduated summa cum
they really thought he sold
himself short and wondered ery one of them, including John F. laude from Princeton University
deep down if they were in Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, Franklin with a dual degree in Ball Connec-
some way to blame. Delano Roosevelt, and Dwight D. tion and the Sweet Spot Sciences.
Eisenhower, once satred-faced Williams went on to receive a mas-
PET PEEVE: How White House
smelled Taft-y for the first few and dehydratedon one of its 35 ters degree in Waiting for Your
months of his presidency. toilets, sweat beading on their Pitch from Harvard University, and
FAMOUS QUOTE: I enjoy being
foreheads, hands clutching their later earned a Ph.D. in Protecting
president because it makes me feel stomachs, and anuses releasing the Plate from Johns Hopkins, a
like Im God and that I can do loose fecal matter as their wives sat second Ph.D. in Hitting to the Op-
anything I want. Sometimes I
outside the door asking, Is every- posite Field from Columbia, and an
think about that when Im having
sex and it makes the sex better. thing okay in there? honorary doctorate in Smacking It
State Of The Union address, 1915 White Supremacy, self-help move- Through the Gap Between Center
BENCH PRESS: 45 pounds
ment aimed at empowering Cauca- and Left from Oxford, where he
sians to become the very best white American poet whose poems was a tenured professor in Dinger
people they can be. White suprema- evoked the great, benevolent spirit Theory until his death.
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E W

WIND TURBINE, machine powered by coal-burning energy that spins its powerful blades, thereby
creating wind that can be harnessed by highly specialized wind-collecting turbines hundreds of miles away.

Each turbine is powered by a massive coal oven that runs 24 hours a day, the pollutants from which are expelled by
smokestacks 20 to 30 miles away.

Willis Tower, Chicago landmark was changed to Willis Tower in long, dark shadow.
that has slipped from being the tall- 2009 when a London-based insur- Wind, natural flow of air through
est building in the world to the sev- ance company bought the rights to space that is needed to push an
enth tallest, and now effectively the building, much like an opportu- empty Doritos bag from one end of
serves as a massive tombstone for nistic foreign bidder buying up all a desolate city street to the other.
American global economic domi- of a desperate familys adored heir- Wish, tiny, secret little dream held in
nance. Named the Sears Tower at looms at a hastily arranged estate a persons heart that every one of
the time of its construction in 1973 sale for a deceased patriarch. While their family members and depen-
(after the once-mighty American much bigger skyscrapers bustle dents would die.
retail chain that has also fallen from with the activities of productive in- Wok, bowl-shaped frying pan that is
prominence in recent decades), the dustry, the Willis Tower is now left never used, used intensely for three
110-story building was rapidly to slowly crumble and silently loom weeks even for food it shouldnt be
Wolf, wild, majestic, cunning.
eclipsed in the 1990s by taller struc- over the interred corpses of the used for, and then never used again. The wolf.
tures in Europe and Asia. The name American businesses that lie in its Women, am I right?
Wonder, Stevie (b. May 13, 1950),
Willis Tower: A Grim Reminder Of What Once Was
popular singer and songwriter who
created such classics as Super-
stition, Living For The City,
and Higher Ground. Part-Time
Lover is pretty awful.
Wonton, small Chinese dumpling
usually filled with several dozen live
bees or, in some regions, wasps.
Woods, Tiger (b. Dec. 30, 1975),
Burj Khalifa Abraj Al Bait Canton Tower CN Tower Ostankino Willis Tower Taipei 101 Onion Staten Island
Tower Headquarters Teepee professional golfer who had a
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W

World War I
Global conflict between 1914 and 1918 that came tantalizingly close to satisfying the Western worlds lust for blood and carnage. Fought
between the allied forces of the United Kingdom, France, Russia, and the United States, and the Central powers of Germany, Austria-Hunga-
ry, the Ottoman Empire, and Bulgaria, World War I ravaged the European continent with unprecedented death and destruction, killing more
than 35 million people and coming just a tad short of quenching the Wests insatiable yearning for gore, slaughter, and the total, senseless
annihilation of all life. While brutal new military technologies such as the machine gun, the flamethrower, and the tank certainly soothed a
great deal of mankinds deep passion for relentless slaughterand the gruesome innovation of trench warfare obviously helped quite a bit as
wellin the end, everyone involved had to admit that, as horrific as World War I had been, they definitely still had a little bloodlust left in
them. Twenty-one years later, the unsatisfied nations indulged in another war, seeing as the first iteration lacked a few key satisfying elements,
such as the firebombing of entire cities, concentration camps, the genocidal near-destruction of an ethnic group, and atomic weapons.

Bayonet
Inside A It was always wise to bring an
Soldiers extra bayonet, in case you
were to clumsily break one off
Backpack in a screaming, teenage
strangers skull

Cigarettes
Used to celebrate the survival
of a deadly gas attack

Blanket
Used just in case the blankets
supplied by battlefield motels Clothing
were too scratchy Embroidered War to
End All Wars hoodie

Canteen
Useful for bringing Gas Mask
a dead Germans The poor son of a bitch
blood home as a doesnt even know why
souvenir he needs this yet

Personal Items
Picture of
soon-to-be widow

Extra Trench
In case the soldier
didnt have enough
time to dig one
during battle

Hey!
A quarter!

Extra Army Business Cards

For any networking during
downtime in the trenches

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E W

World War II
Massive global conflict in which United States completely blew its wad in terms of courage, strength, ingenuity, selflessness, economic
prowess, solidarity, sacrifice, and moral clarity. Fought between the Axis powers (whose principal members included Germany, Japan, and
Italy) and the U.K.- and U.S.-led Allies, the Second World War gave America one final opportunity to absolutely run itself dry of any
clear-eyed national purpose or moral conviction before plunging into a steady, six-decade-long decline characterized by industrial
stagnation, arrogant entitlement, and cultural ennui. Though its military leaders initially wished to remain neutral, America entered the
war following Japans 1941 attack on the U.S. Navys Pacific Fleet at Pearl Harbora tragic event that marked the nations last significant,
non-cynical moment of unityand by wars end had used up every remaining ounce of its domestic know-how, gumption, work ethic,
and humility. World War II came to a close in August 1945, when U.S. forces dropped two atomic bombs on Japan, which represented the
two final instances of American scientific and technological prowess.
Major Alliances The Himalayan
Hellcats
The Axis
Sarah and Ilanas
General Douglas The Allies
Applewood Alliance
The Atlantic Hive
MacArthur devised The Brooklyn Dodgers
The Believers
his best military Titans Inc.
The Grand Slammers
strategies while The Polliwogs
walking in the The Pacific Petes
The World War II-ers
water and was The Hitmen
Paraguay and Uruguay
known to invite The Knights
The Rowdy Boys
advisers along to The Uncle Donnies

accompany him on The Forever Pals

strolls all across the

Pacific Ocean.

A British Fighter Plane

World War II saw unprecedented advances in aerial combat technology. Rivet Wells
Load-bearing attachments
Pilot allowing fighter planes to be
Gun Nook Actually a hung from the ceilings of
Little area where a pilot can enjoy a light human being aviation museums after the war
brunch while leisurely shooting down in one of these
enemies on his mission things

Tail
This more
modern design
replaced a long,
furry foxlike tail
Fuselage
Area to place decals
keeping track of all the
pinup models a pilot has
Back Wheel
killed
You had to throw
this on; otherwise,
pilots might suspect
they were being sent
on some kind of
suicide mission

Propeller
Pushes all air out of
the way so the rest of
the plane can come
Guns through
Machine gun that is activated
Wing Oil Tank by pressing a button and
Area where pilot paces Responsible for creating a beautiful, repeatedly saying, Eh eh eh eh
when worried about cascading fire-plume effect as planes plunged eh eh eh eh
outcome of air battle mournfully into the European countryside

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W Wool t o X- R ay

phenomenal run being someone despite revolutionizing the modern were brutally killed when a disgrun-
people liked from 1996 to 2009, world by inventing the first airplane tled butler set fire to the house and
during which time he was consis- capable of flight, still both managed waited outside with an ax, butcher-
tently ranked by PGA Tour experts to die in Dayton, Ohio. Although ing the innocent victims as they
and fans alike as a decent human the Wright brothers first flight desperately tried to escape the
helped usher in the age of aviation flames; this shocking information
along with a trillion-dollar com- is, for some unknown, insane rea-
mercial and military industry, Or- son, usually mentioned way, way
Woodstock, huge 1969 rock ville and Wilbur spent their last after something or other about Fall-
music festival that ones days on this earth as living legends ingwater, one of the most famous
parents were either too young in Ohios sixth-largest city. Not even homes Wright designed. A be-
to attend, too old to attend, or
worse, attended.
Cleveland or Columbus. With the reaved Wright personally built a
development of the first fixed-wing beautiful coffin for his ax-murdered
being. At the height of his lucrative, aircraft, the Wright brothers had lover and buried her with his own
nearly decade-and-a-half-long the entire world at their fingertips two hands on the Wisconsin prop-
streak of being a seemingly okay and the ability to go to any histori- erty where she died, which is quite
person, Woods racked up countless cally, geographically, or culturally possibly the most heartbreaking
mentions of being a likable guy, fascinating place on the planet, yet thing imaginable, but you almost
challenged Jack Nicklaus record for the two of them made the never hear anything about that. The
number of people who thought he conscious decision to remain in Guggenheim Museum in New York
was an ethically sound man, and Dayton, known for its third-rate City is Wrights most recognized
provided a thrilling finish to the museums and close proximity to masterpiece.
2008 season, when he managed to tributaries of the disgustingly Wristwatch, item that can tell you a
go another year without millions of polluted Ohio River. Schmucks. lot about a man, if you are a stupid
observers discovering what an irre- Wright, Frank Lloyd (b. June 8, dick.
deemable lowlife prick he was. 1867 d. Apr. 9, 1959), an ax- Writing, creative process of brows-
Woods dominant, 13-year stretch murderer killed the love of Wrights ing the Internet, drinking coffee,
of not being considered a world- life, her two children, and four going out for a walk, and
class piece of dog shit ended masturbating.
abruptly in the fall of 2009. Wurst, German or Austrian sausage
Wool, fine hair of sheep that is wo- that one will be unable to stop
ven into clothing such as sweaters thinking about upon reading this
that can be worn while eating lamb entry, setting in motion the mea-
chops, effectively showing that spe- sures necessary to obtain one.
WRIGHT BROTHERS
Many thought the reason the Wright
cies whats up.
Brothers were working on the Worker, type of disposable person.
airplane in the first place was to get
the hell out of Dayton, Ohio, but
(See Soldier, Voter, Actor,
apparently not. Bassist, Personal Assistant,
Patient, Intern, Transient,
Punter, Driver, Mistress,
Housekeeper, Ryan Phillippe,
Miner, Senior Citizen) workmen in his Wisconsin home,
Worlds Fair, international exhibi- smack-dab in the middle of his illus-
tion series filled with lies about the trious career, yet for some reason
future. this is never the first thing men-
Wright Brothers, Orville (b. Aug. tioned about Wright, who was also
19, 1871 d. Jan. 30, 1948) and Wil- an architect. While Wright was
bur (b. Apr. 16, 1867 d. May 30, away working in Chicago, seven
1912), American engineers who, members of his innermost circle
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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E X

X Chromosome, one of two sex- which are unreasonable responses dered 14 years later by his royal

X
determining chromosomes, worth considering the fact that foreign bodyguard at the exact point he was
on average $0.23 less per nuclei people look different, act different, intended to be in the timeline of
than the Y chromosome. and speak a totally different lan- events.
Xavier High School, rural Catholic guage. Xenophobia may result in XLIV, Roman numeral about which
school that gets to state every violent acts against foreigners, a one is lying if one claims to have
goddamn year due to its seemingly radical measure that is quite logical known instantaneously that it
limitless supply of annoying three- when considering not only how dis- means 44. Xx .
similar foreigners are, but also how XOXOQ, shorthand at the end of
Twenty-fifth letter in the English
likely they are to be planning vio- written correspondence for hugs alphabet, whose overall use will
lence against you. and kisses and intense psychosexual skyrocket when China takes
over as the worlds No. 1
Xerxes I (b. 519 bc d. 465 bc), abuse that will haunt you for de-
economy and Americans
Persian king who attempted to in- cades and cripple your ability to be suddenly realize how integral X
vade Greece in 480 bc but failed intimate with any other human be- is to the anglicized spellings of
point-shooting farm boys. With a because in the chronology of an- ing, no matter how many thousands Chinese cities. Though the
letter is pronounced eks by
lineup that inevitably includes a big, cient Greek history he loses. Al- of dollars you spend on your high-
English speakers, more and
corn-fed fucker down low who just though Xerxes commanded the priced Manhattan therapist. more U.S. citizens will become
grabs rebounds and kicks it out to Persian army to an impressive vic- X-Rating, MPAA designation for so comfortable with X making
one of those little shits camping out tory over Sparta at the Battle of films deemed unfit for minors due the Chinese sh sound that
manufacturing centers like
behind the arc, Xavier would be Thermopylae, he was eventually to graphic depictions of black dudes
Xian, Xiamen, and Xining will
halfway tolerable if they werent pushed back toward Persia due to stuffing their cocks so far up a white roll off their tongues as if it
such chippy little pricks on defense. the fact that this was exactly what bitchs ass that she pukes up their were their native language.
While X is infrequently used
The only saving grace with Xavier he was supposed to do in the narra- cum and begs for more, while two
today, in 20 years it will be
High School making it to state is tive of Greek history, and to do filthy nymphos eat each others perfectly common to hear an
knowing they will inevitably lose to otherwise not only would have pussies raw and a greasy fat fuck average Wyoming resident say
one of the schools with all the black completely ruined the whole setup whos hung like a goddamn horse the words xiexie, xiaxue, and
Du xi Xi xi n sh ng, nng g i
kids who can dunk. for the next partin which Sparta, jerks himself off in the corner. The
w ji g ngz ma? which mean
Xenophobia, intense yet perfectly Athens, and the various other rating was altered to NC-17 in the thank you, snow, and
rational and warranted fear of for- Greek city-states fight the Pelopon- mid-1990s. Please, Mr. Xie, may I have a
eigners. The anxiety and suspicion nesian Warbut also would have X-Ray, image of the internal com- raise? respectively.

characterized by xenophobia often been impossible because thats not ponents of something, typically a
manifests itself in a desire to insu- what happened. In 479 bc, Xerxes body part, used for medical pur-
late oneself from foreign peoples or returned to his palace in Persepolis, poses or by persons with an interest
to drive them away, neither of where, like clockwork, he was mur- in becoming bone models.

SOME Xs COMMON REPETITIVE LETTERS THAT ARE NOT X

PATTERNS OF X
As few words in the English language begin
with the letter X, it is customary in XXXXXXXXX ABCDEFG
reference volumes to fill empty space with a XXXXXXXXXXX
series of X s in a variety of interesting XXXXXXXXXXXXX HIJKLMN
typographical styles.
XXXX OPQRSTU
X X X
Plain Bold X Italic
Xx
XxxXxxX
XxXXXXXxX
V WYZ Xylocarp, 200-foot-long
monstrous-looking prehistoric
LETTER THAT IS X fish that lived millions of years
X
X X X
Underline Bold-Italic Bold-Underline
xxxxxxxxxx X ago, right? Nopeany type of
plant that produces fruit with a
woody exterior.
A TIMELINE OF X

X X X X X X x X X X
Italic-Underline Bold-Italic-Underline 300 bc 200 bc ad 100 500 1200 1775 1975 2010

227

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X

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E Y

Yacht, type of boat on which in- as a floor supervisor at a plastic tube New York. Toward the end of the

Y
stances of sexual assault surpass factory. film the setting briefly switched to a
those occurring in canoes by a Yeager, Chuck (b. Feb. 13, 1923), farm in rural Thailand, though
40,000-to-1 ratio. retired major general in the U.S. Air given the time of night, its possible
Yangtze River, longest river in Asia Force who was the first pilot to that was the other movie that was
and third-longest river in the world travel faster than sound and Wes- being flipped to during commer-
overall, whose tranquil waters have leyan Universitys second choice for cials. Both movies actually seemed
serenely ambled past roughly 55 this years commencement speaker. pretty decent.
million human rights violations Year Of The Dragon, weird 1985 Yello, telephone greeting primarily
Yy .
Twenty-sixth letter of the
over the years. movie that was on cable last night used by men telling the caller that
alphabet, devised in 1974 by
Yankee Doodle, song popular around 2 a.m. with a young Mickey the shopll be open all day so they bad-boy linguist Chaz
during the American Revolution Rourke playing a cop trying to take can come on by whenever. Rothington. Known as the
that struck terror into the hearts of down the Yakuza or the Chinese Yellowthroat, small migratory bird wild child of morphology,
Rothingtons new letter was
British soldiers, many of whom mob or something. When editors of that builds a nest by incapacitating
scandalous due to its hugely
would drop their weapons in fear this book caught it halfway through, an 18- to 60-year-old suburban disparate phonetic properties
immediately upon hearing the it appeared as though Rourke had and ability to function as both
words and called it macaroni. struck up a romantic relationship a vowel and a consonant
nearly as scandalous as
Yao Ming (b. Sept. 12, 1980), former with a Chinese cable news reporter
Rothingtons infamous parties
NBA All-Star who retired in 2011 investigating a story about some- at his palatial Pacific Coast
and returned to his native China, one who was running underground estate, his tales of all-night
drug-fueled phoneme-drafting
where he received a heros welcome gambling clubs or hit squads in
sessions with Noam Chomsky,
and spent two weeks touring the what could have been the China- and his torrid, high-profile
country before going back to work town in Boston, Philadelphia, or male and using its sharp beak to affairs with Angie Dickinson
peck out the screaming mans eye- and Joan Didion. Rothington
died in 1982 when he lost
YALTA CONFERENCE, meeting of the chief Allied leaders of ball, the empty socket of which it
control of his Aston Martin
World War II held Feb. 411, 1945, that quickly became awkward lines with grass, twigs, and moss to Bulldog supercar and plunged
when Roosevelt, Stalin, and Churchill had to ask the prime minister create a soft spot to lay eggs. When to his death over a seaside
of the Netherlands, Pieter Sjoerds Gerbrandy, to please leave. cliff, mere days after he had
the eggs hatch, the yellowthroats
Gerbrandy, who was never told about the talks, nor invited to take once again shocked the world
any part in the discussions of the postwar world, showed up at the feed their young small pieces of re-
by unveiling his latest
top-secret site on the Black Sea before the Big Three had arrived, gurgitated eyelid, optic nerve, and creation, the triple fricative.
and was met with uncomfortable silence after greeting the world nasal cartilage. Before departing for
leaders who were the winter, the birds force-feed the
wondering why he was man enough of his own hair and
there and if he was
flesh to keep him alive until spring,
planning to leave before
they started talking. while pulling apart his knee liga-
Although Churchill ments so that he remains immobile.
allegedly pulled the The next year, the male yellow-
prime minister aside, throat will arrive at the eye socket
thanked him for and wait, hoping to attract a suitable
showing up, and
mate by performing a bobbing
expressed the groups
appreciation for courtship dance on the now-insane
everything he had done, mans face.
Gerbrandy ignored Yerba Mat, tealike stimulant Yak, everyone would be pretty
several polite requests to upset if this fella wasnt in here.
drunk by people in Brazil and Ar-
depart, informing the Hey there, buddy.
gentina and by self-satisfied people
Allied leaders that he
who just returned from their first
would wait outside the Prime Minister Gerbrandy of the Netherlands
building in case they was politely told there was not a fourth chair trip to Brazil or Argentina.
needed him. available for him to sit in. Yesterday, work deadline given out
by huge, inconsiderate pricks.
229

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Y Yikes to Robert Zimmerman

users describe a sense of disorienta-

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, crown jewel of
the U.S. National Park Service, which draws more than 3 million tion and panic upon discovering
visitors each year who hope to catch the rare but majestic sight of a that life has continued on without
buffalo standing right on top of a geyser just before it erupts. them during their temporal shift,
and that any work or other tasks
they left in the past remain
uncompleted.
Yosemite National Park, massive
California park established in 1890
that, despite recent funding cut-
backs, is still a great place to do
mushrooms. Though budget defi-
cits have forced officials to reduce
park staff and operating hours, Yo-
semite still boasts moaning giant
Youngstown, Ohio, city in
sequoia trees, glowing waterfalls,
eastern part of Ohio and one of
Old Faithful and mountains that totally look like
the many places in the world
where a human being can be they are fucking melting for visitors
born, go to school, get a job, and Yikes, that was close. (See Phew, league and then quit upon realiza- tripping balls. Despite issues with
pass away.
Boy, Wow) tion that everyone is much better maintaining Yosemites trails and
Yin And Yang, concept in which than anticipated. infrastructure, the cash-strapped
seemingly contrary forces were de- York, New, how New York would park is a unique destination for any-
scribed as interconnected and inter- be formatted in this reference vol- one high as hell on psilocybin
dependent until recently, when it ume if it were someones name. mushrooms and they will seriously
was discovered that Yin makes up YouTube, forward-only time-travel lose their shit and freak the fuck out
51 percent of everything and Yang device invented in 2005. Users log when the granite cliff El Capitan
only 49 percent, meaning Yin is on to YouTube and are instantly starts like breathing and making de-
more important overall and is transported two to five hours into mon faces unless theyre with
therefore the winner. the future without consciously ex- someone chill who will tell them to
YMCA, worldwide organization of periencing or being aware of the in- just let things happen and be with
more than 45 million members tervening period. Following the the moment.
where one can join a basketball time-travel experience, YouTube Yule, ancient pagan winter festival
that has been incorporated into
such Christian Christmas traditions
YUMMERS, exclamation that is only appropriate to use in the as the yule log, yule singing, yule
presence of red velvet cake.
boars, yule lobsters, yule nog, yule
Proper Yummers Usages Acceptable Variations Coors Light, yule urination on the
Is that red velvet cake? Oh, Yuh-mmers! You know I want some
shower mat, yule inappropriate be-
Yoga, Hindu discipline and yummers! red velvet cake!
havior with visiting relatives, yule
system of exercises that makes Well, I really shouldntbut for Im very sorry for your loss,
people feel much healthier and screaming match, and yule cold left-
Petes sake, its red velvet cake! Lindahold the phone, is that red
happier, and thus a practice Yummers! velvet cake? Yum-yum-yummers! over spaghetti with butter eaten
that must be mercilessly alone in a dingy basement apart-
ridiculed by one and all. Yummers! Just a sliver, though. Yuh-uh-uh-uh-uhmmers! Red
But I love red velvet cake! Love it. velvet cake! ment at 4 a.m.

Yummers! [upon seeing red velvet

cake]
Linda, are you making red velvet?
Yummers!

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E Z

kingdom notable for its strong

Z
ZAPRUDER FILM, silent motion picture that captured the some might even say extreme
death of John F. Kennedy, though recently discovered missing commitment to agriculture. Known
frames reveal the president was not in fact assassinated, but rather
for its incessant cultivation of rice,
died of self-inflicted gunshot wounds. While the original film had a
noticeable gap between frames 208 and 211, the complete sequence millet, and lentils, the Zhou dy-
clearly shows the presidential motorcade turning the corner onto nasty has aggravated researchers for
Dealey Plaza as a smiling Kennedy waves to the crowd with his left decades, and it really just needed to
hand, reaches into his suit-coat pocket with his right, pulls out a cool it with its intricate well-field
brushed chrome .357 Magnum, and then shoots himself two times: systems and insistence on con-
once in his upper back and once in the head. In addition to taking
stantly developing new farming Zz . .
his own life, the full 26-second film shows that prior to the fatal shot,
tools. During their 800-year rule, Twenty-seventh letter of the
Kennedy also opened fire on Texas governor John Connally,
common Latin alphabet, used
shooting him in the back and creating a gaping exit wound through the Zhou used their land efficiently
in the clean version of The
his chest. and learned the Wei Rivers flood- Alphabet Song to replace the
ing patterns, irksome attributes that phrase I want you inside me
have never impressed anyone, hon- so bad.

estly, and that historians have found

irritating for years. In contrast, the
Qin Dynasty also subsisted pre-
dominantly on agriculture, but
wasnt anywhere near as in-your-
face about it.
Zildjian, popular T-shirt company
among drummers.
Zimmer, Rick (b. Apr. 20, 1974),
founder and CEO of the popular
Sklimp.com website who started his
company in 1999 after selling a con-
trolling stake in
Whampler and
President John F. Kennedy, a split second before taking his own life.
Xooob, his two
previous ventures,
Zagreb, is capital Croatia and most Zest, indefatigable enthusiasm for to Webblebits Me-
com
big of entire Republic of Croatia. Za- life, or a twist of lemon added to dia Group for
RICK ZIMMER
greb a strong city, with rich history ones fifth cocktail after life has mer- $330 million. Zimmer partnered
Zimmers Sklimp media empire has
and population very much enjoy art cilessly beaten one into the ground. with former Flapzy CEO and x-Gi9 effectively bankrupted his main
and party. You come to Zagreb? Yes, Zhao Ziyang (b. Oct. 17, 1919 programmer Arvind Bhatt to form competitor, BitJib.com.

you come to Zagreb. d. Jan. 17, 2005), high-ranking Chi- Sklimp, which went public in 2003.
Zebra, African equid known for its nese politician who was critical of The website, which is listed as a For-
distinctive black and white stripes, Maoist principles, sympathetic to tune 500 company, is headquartered
several hundred heads, and nearly student demonstrators during the in Palo Alto, California, and shares
countless number of legs. Tiananmen Square protests, and offices with its subsidiaries Jumble-
Zen, Japanese school of Buddhism generally in favor of free-market re- bee, Beepsheep, and Yurk.com.
that emphasizes reaching a state of forms. Guess what happened to Zimmer is worth an estimated
total tranquility, fearlessness, and him? Its not as bad as you think, but $2.86 billion.
spontaneity, a practice that adher- yeah, politically purged, placed un- Zimmerman, Robert (b. May 24,
ents are advised to squeeze in to the der house arrest, and deprived of 1941), birth name of American
15-minute span of time between the funeral rites typically granted to singer-songwriter Bob Dylan, who
the end of the workday and going senior Chinese officials. adopted his pseudonym early in his
home to ones family. Zhou Dynasty, ancient Chinese career after growing frustrated with
231

231-235 Z.indd 231 11/06/12 6:52 PM

Z

point, either for sustenance or mere sport. Classified into five

Zoology, area of biology dedicated to the study of animals, categories, animals have never developed the ability to put on a
all of which are pathetic, brutish creatures that are utterly inferior to
shirt, write a hit pop song, hit a home run, deal blackjack, read an
humans in every conceivable way. The various species contained
encyclopedia, or do any one of the millions of activities humans do
within the animal kingdom have adapted astonishing, nearly
regularly and with great skill. These groups, scientifically catego-
limitless mechanisms to aid in their survival, but the fact remains
rized in descending order of their inferiority to humans, include:
that not a single one has avoided being killed by mankind at some

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Porifera, Radiata, Platyzoa Lophotrochozoa Ecdysozoa Deuterostomes

And Basal Though these Snails and shit. Insects, spiders, Birds, reptiles, fish,
Bilateria flatworms are not crabs, and other mammals, and
An undifferentiated the kind dissected animals that have amphibians; this group
in high school developed exoskel- is the closest youre
shitpile of spineless
biology classes, etons, which make a going to get to
gelatin that doesnt something even
humans could very satisfying
do shit for humanity crunch under any of approaching how
easily make that
except use up all its happen anytime the beautifully incredibly awesome
oxygen and defecate they wanted. Real designed, man-made humans are.
in its water. Get off easily. marvels known as
our planet. shoes.

OTHER THINGS COLLECTIVE NOUNS FOR ANIMALS THAT ACTUALLY

ANIMALS CANT DO GROUPS OF ANIMALS DESERVE SOME RESPECT
Change their voicemail A Gaggle of Geese Sharks: Though only responsible for a tiny percentage
A Herd of Cattle of human deaths every year, one need only to look at a
greetings
A Fuckload of Bees shark to realize they are responsible for millions of
Get into Judas Priests
human deaths every year.
A Pile of Eagles
Unleashed In The East live
An Uneasy Chimps: Only a serious threat when wearing tuxedos,
album from Japan
Partnership of which they have a hard time renting without human
Blow way more than they
Coyotes help.
expected to at strip club
A 101.5 The Cats: Well, not all cats. Just my cats, Timothy and
Survive climate change Hammer FM of Moths Marmalade, who arent like other cats.
Hunt in groups downwind A Wad of Raccoons
Small Deer Currently Being Eaten By Anaconda:
from prey to conceal their A Who Cares? of Voles Something noble in how quietly its taking all of this.
presence while other pack A Business Lunch of Meerkats
members approach from A Duffel Bag of Seals
the sides for a flank attack to A Shitstorm of Sparrows
cut off preys retreat A Typist Pool of Iguanas
optionsoh wait, no, that A Martin Landau of Goats
they can do
A Small, Intimate Gathering of Crocodiles
Bet on dog fighting

232

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E Z

SOME SPECIES OF ANIMALS

AND HOW TO KILL THEM
Humpback
Below are several tried-and-true ways to Whale:
extinguish specific species; however, there is Whale
no right way to kill an animal. Creativity poison
has historically been encouraged by the
scientific community. Additionally, if one
doesnt wish to deal with the sometimes
messy reality of massacring animals, simply
outsmarting themby fake-throwing a
ball to dogs or screwing with bats sonar by
hitting pebbles into the air with a tennis
racketis also a good way to demonstrate
humanitys complete superiority.
Polar Bear: Let idling
car warm up for
another 15 minutes Giraffe:
Ladder, ax
Ant: Very tiny
harpoon gun

Lamb:
Uppercut

Pony: Let both

of your fat-ass
kids ride it at
Peacock: Possibly the most difficult animal on the planet to dominate. To subdue the same time
peacock, a three-man team comprising a Marker, a Jammer, and a Finisher will be required.
The Marker is tasked with drawing out the peacock and audibly relaying its every movement
to the other team membersprovided, of course, that the team is somehow able to track the
peacock in the first place. Next, the Jammer is assigned to distract the many hundred eyes
contained in the tail, which will inevitably be unfurled behind the peacock when it is
threatened. If the Jammer is of steely enough resolve to prevent himself from descending into
madness immedia
immediately, the Finisher can then rapidly
overtake the peacock and slit its throat in one
long draw
dra with a dagger made of
tempered
temp jade, at which point, if
everything has gone exactly right,
eve
tthe peacock will release a burst of
pure, white energy, instantly
vaporizing the courageous team.
Note: The preceding instructions
apply only to the male peacock;
Friends Cat: Forget
the female peacock possesses
to feed for two weeks
hypnotic powers, rendering it
impossible to kill.

233

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Z A a l b o r g t o Z Z To p

surviving son of Onion publisher

ZEPPELIN, airship that was once intended to be a major mode Herman Ulysses Zweibel and took
of transportation, but is now mostly used for taking revelers to to the newspaper trade early, as-
proms, bar and bat mitzvahs, and raunchy bachelorette parties. suming the post of imperial editor
Customers charter the party dirigibles at reasonable group rates and
by age 17 and penning innumerable
then ride them, at altitudes of up to 25,000 feet, to go bar-hopping or
to hit strip clubs across town while the blimp floats in the parking influential editorials; in fact, thanks
lot. The zeppelin rental industry has enjoyed a minor boom in recent largely to his writings, handgun
years as more people opt to hire a chauffeur rather than attempting ownership in the United States
to drunkenly fly a massive blimp and risk serious injury or death by quintupled, the Fascist Party en-
crashing into telephone wires, roofs, or commercial jets. joyed a brief spike in popularity,
corporations became the equals of
American citizens under the law
and are protected by the rights of
due process, and the Statue of Lib-
erty was found guilty of treason by a
military tribunal. Zweibel assumed
editorial directorship of The Onion
in late 1888 after a mysterious series
of logjams, paper mill accidents,
boiler explosions, and servant up-
risings eliminated all other candi-
dates for the post. By 1900, Zweibel
Once considered a marvel of engineering and design, most zeppelins had become publisher of The Onion
Zoo, place that people visit when
nowadays have to be scrubbed clean of vomit and urine after being rented following the discovery of his fa-
they want to feel sad.
out by groups of drunken fraternity brothers for Cinco de Mayo.
thers headless body at the foot of
the staircase in the 680-room Zwei-
having to perform last at the many and was never apprehended, but bel mansion. Considered a major
alphabetical-order open-mic nights Uncle Chris was in the Navy in 71 figure in the history of American
held in New York Citys Greenwich and 72, so theres no way he could journalism, Zweibel changed the
Village. havealthough, wow, those are ex- face of news reporting in the mod-
Aalborg, Danish industrial port city actly the years when there was an ern age with a number of bold inno-
that serves as the ideal challenge to unexplained break in the murders, vations, such as instituting a policy
ones outdated notions of and that would certainly explain his of deep contempt for a newspapers
alphabetization. strange interest in codes and cartog- readers and eliminating the need
Zodiac Killer, notorious, unidenti- raphy, not to mention the antisocial for women in the workplace. Al-
fied serial killer who terrorized San behavior, the heavy-set build, and though The Onion would soon
Francisco residents in the late the bizarre pathological lying for no emerge as the most dominant me-
1960s and ear- apparent reason. Wait a minute, dia empire in the world, the de-
ly 1970s and isnt Uncle Chris favorite movie mands on Zweibels health were ex-
who, come to The Most Dangerous Game, and treme: by age 60 he was suffering
think of it, doesnt he quote that film more fre- from piles, typhus, worms, Irish
does kind of quently than anyone really should? blood-vomits, distended scalp,
match up a lot Fuck. This is actually starting to get whooping cough, untreated self-in-
with Moms really creepy. flicted scissor wounds (Zweibel
older brother, Zweibel, T. Herman (b. 1868), plu- had a profound mistrust of bar-
Chris, in terms of personality and tocrat, business magnate, former bers), influenza, the feathers,
chronology, but no, it couldnt be governor of his state, and most smashspleen, dislocated patellas,
right? The Zodiac Killer has been notably, publisher emeritus of The lead poisoning, cavernous pores,
linked to as many as 37 murders Onion. T. Herman was the only and reversal of the excretory func-
234

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 T H E O N I O N B O O K O F K N O W N K N O W L E D G E Z

ZIBBY, animated
Israeli childrens show
about a squirrel doctor
who performs the same
no-anesthesia human
experiments on
German kids that Nazi
physician Josef
Mengele performed at
the Auschwitz
concentration camp
during World War II.
Zibby aired Sunday
mornings on the Israeli
Broadcasting Authority
from 1966 to 1974,
delighting children
with his gruesome,
gore-splattered tests on T. HERMAN ZWEIBEL:
Over the years, the wildly popular cartoon featured guest voices from Mel Brooks, A MAN OF MANY
unwilling blond-haired, Groucho Marx, Buddy Hackett, Estelle Harris, Joan Rivers, and Elie Wiesel.
NOTABLE WORDS
blue-eyed 5- to
10-year-olds who had been ripped from their Turn back, filthy vermin! Your
parents arms, sedated, and pinned to an operating desperately toiling fingers are not
table. Always in a playful mood, Dr. Zibby, along wanted in our factories and
with his sidekick nurse skunk Nentl, performed cosmopolitan eateries!
bone, muscle, and nerve transplants; injected As shouted from a small rowboat
patients with malaria, sulfonamide, and seawater; off Ellis Island, 1907
and had a firing squad execute those who lived for
more than a few days afterward. In its most This will likely end badly for
popular episode, Cant Breathe? Call Dr. Zibby! you, but God damn it if I dont
a group of German children were locked in a admire you.
pressure chamber to simulate a high-altitude Upon meeting Adolf Hitler at the
aircraft ejection, with survivors having their Berlin Olympic Games, 1936
oxygen-depleted yet still-functioning brains cut x-rays, surgery, and drugs to ensure Aryan subjects
open for an on-the-spot examination. Later in the would never be able to reproduce. Zibby went into They are huns, brutes, and
shows run, Zibby moved into sterilization international syndication in 1975 and became a monstrosities who ought to
experiments, using an untested combination of hit in 94 countries worldwide. self-castrate.
On Onion readers, 2001

tions. He also became hopelessly only occasionally made contact bout! Just lemme know! If you You can only bury a man
addicted to Crawfords Soothing with the outside world, but his in- wanna go! To that home out on the alive once.
Daily affirmation
Syrup, a patent nostrum claiming to fluence can clearly be seen in every rangethey gotta lotta nice girls,
treat or cure all of Zweibels ills. Af- aspect of modern journalism, com- ah! Have mercya pow, pow, pow,
ter entering the iron lung in which merce, and politics. pow, pow, a pow! A pow, pow, pow!
he will be confined for the remain- ZZ Top, hit it! Ba-dah-dah-dah-dah-
der of his life, Zweibel has spent the dah-duh-dah-DAH-dah-dah-dah-
autumn of his career penning ran- dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah! Ba-
corous editorials concerning the dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-duh-dah-
limited subject matter he could see DAH-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-
from his bedchamber. Since being dah-dah-dah! Rumor spreadin
launched into deep space in 2003 round! In that Texas town! Bout
by his nemesis, the steam-powered that shack out-side La Grange
robot butler Mr. Tin, Zweibel has and you know what Im talkin
235

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 Schedule Of Fees And Charges
In acquiring the knowledge contained in this volume, the reader has implicitly consented to the fees and charges
enumerated below. By opening to this page, the reader further acknowledges that these charges are binding and
consents to a thorough collections process if payment in full is not received within two (2) business days.

Readers share of printing costs.....................................................................................................................................................................$25

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Adjustment for increase in inflation since you began reading this encyclopedia.......................................................................$1.15
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236

BOB.indd 236 11/06/12 6:53 PM

 Questions for Discussion
Despite having now absorbed the sum total of all knowledge, the reader will almost certainly have one of
seven questions relating to the material that may form the basis for ongoing discussions.

1. Did I deserve to read this book?

2. Who was I to read this book?
3. Was I not aware of its contents as compared to my level of intelligence?
4. Could I really have expected to fully comprehend this book?
5. Was a book of this magnitude wasted on me?
6. Was it not an act of reckless pride to have read this book?
7. How can I be said to deserve to live after such a humiliating intellectual charade?

237

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 Ready Reference

HEART RATES Sunbeams

ANIMAL BEATS PER MINUTE Sunsets
Blue Whale.................................................9 Teacups
Blue Whale After Morning Run..................11 Tropical Fish
STEP 7: But that wont work, because then the
Statue Of Liberty......................................20
sides wont be secure and it will just rock back
Human (Average)......................................70
The Floorboards.......................................70
and forth or snap from all the weight. NATIONS OF THE WORLD RANKED
Dog..................................................100
BY ONJ N IVITY
46-Year-Old Curt Johnston Upon 1. Swaziland (2,450 kg/hr)
Passing Playground.................................180 2. China (1,125 kg/hr)
Rabbit..................................................200 3. Spain (1,053 kg/hr)
Duck With Erratic Pacemaker....240/275/200 4. Canada (1,003 kg/hr)
Canary............................................750,000 STEP 8: It is impossible to build a bridge. 5. East Timor (976 kg/hr)
6. Germany (954 kg/hr)
7. Cook Islands (922 kg/hr)
HOW A BRIDGE IS CONSTRUCTED PRETTY THINGS 8. Guyana (880 kg/hr)
Ballerinas 9. French Guyana (873 kg/hr)
Baskets 10. Suriname (871 kg/hr)
Birdies 11. Israel (825 kg/hr)
Bonnets 12. Turkmenistan (760 kg/hr)
STEP 1: Two vertical tower pieces are built in Bright Blue Balloons 13. Latvia (722 kg/hr)
the water. Bright Red Balloons 14. Democratic Republic of Congo
Bright Yellow Balloons (698 kg/hr)
Bubbles 15. Australia (653 kg/hr)
Bunnies
Butterflies
Buttons MONETARY CONVERSION CHART
STEP 2: A deck is extended across the tower
Caroline FOR INTANGIBLES
pieces.
Christmas Trees Childs sigh as he falls asleep .................. $62
Daisies True love..............$9,024.34 (10,987 euros)
Decorative Soaps Dew-flecked spiderweb, caught just so
Doilies by the rising sun..............................$5.12
Dolls A sense of identity, of really belonging...$0.05
STEP 3: Suspension cables connect the
Dresses Respect of ones peers..................$147.09
middle of the deck to the towers.
Feathers Respect of ones children...................$9.16
Fireworks Sense of accomplishment................$32.17
Flowers You know that feeling? When everything is
Fluffy Bunnies justyou just understand everything so clearly
Freckles for once and things just make senseyou
STEP 4: Actually, the cable part in the middle
Gems know what Im saying, right?..............$22.87
needs to curve, so the tower pieces should
Gumdrops
probably bend back to make the suspension
Hearts
cables pull the deck up. Does that make FORMER BRITISH PRIME MINISTERS
Kitties
sense? NAMED HAROLD
Ladybugs
Mrs. Berkley Harold Macmillan
Pinwheels Harold Wilson
Pixie Dust
Ponies
STEP 5: See, the deck still just seems like its OBSCURE ANIMAL SPORTS
Posies
going to collapse without some kind of Pretty Ladies Gorilla Sled Racing
support. Perhaps a tall beam should be Puffy Clouds Shrimpfighting
placed under the center to hold it up. Hmm. Rainbows Elk Vaulting
Ribbons Potato-Sack Horse Racing
Red Bows Snakeboarding
Seashells
Snowflakes
STEP 6: You know what? That center beam Sparkles BEST SEATS AVAILABLE
looks really weird. Pretty sure bridges dont Sparklers D 22
usually have those. Maybe the two leg pieces Sprinkles HH 15
just need to be closer together? Stars C 40

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 A

SHOWER KNOB POSITION GUIDE Implant refill down the length of the torso to the pubic
Note: Knob positions intended to help readers achieve Mammary recalibration bone. There will be little bleeding, as a dead
average hot shower temperature. Winterizing body no longer has blood pressure outside
Courtyard Marriott, Popping Martian (Panic Pete) that which is generated by gravity.
Bloomington, MN, Cleavage rotation 4. Peel back the skin and use a saw to cut
Room 814 H C
Dent reversal through the sternum and ribs; also cut away
1. Lift knob to begin flow Re-rounding the tissue connecting organs to the spinal
of water Areola darkening column.
2. Rotate handle 150 5. Remove and weigh the organs, making
degrees so knobs arrow is pointing in the sure to shave off small portions for further
middle portion of the red hot line CIRCLE SIZES (not to scale) analysis. Examine the contents of the
3. After 25 seconds, water temp. and knob stomach and intestines.
position should be accurately synced 6. Take the body block that was used on the
4. If water temp. is not hot enough, rotate trunk and use it to elevate the head. Make an
1 inch 1 inch 1 inch
knob 3 degrees to left (Do not over rotate, as ear-to-ear incision across the head and saw
this particular knob is sensitive and water will off the top of the skull as a cap. As with the
rapidly become too hot) other organs, weigh the brain and take any
necessary tissue samples.
1 inch 5 inch 29 inch
24-Hour Fitness, 7. Sew up the torso and reattach the cap of
OFF

Chesterfield, MO, West the skull before transporting the body to a

Clayton Road: Mens funeral home.
Locker Room, Third 3 feet 7 feet 83.2 miles
Shower Stall From Left
1. Make sure lever is at 6 THE PLAN
oclock CLASSICAL COLUMN STYLES 1. Leo comes in the front and creates a
2. When first turning on shower, stand to left diversion.
of flow stream, as water comes out extremely 2. Danny, Al, and the boys set up around
hot no matter what back.
3. Wait 7 seconds for water temp. and knob 3. Vlad steps out of the car at the corner of
position to sync 8th and Topeka and gives the signal.
4. To make shower cooler, rotate in opposite 4. Rick gets on the roof and cuts the power.
direction 5. Otto makes the call.
6. Josephine lets Rick in through the stairwell
Former College entrance then goes back up to the old mans
Doric Ionic Corinthian
Roommates New room.
Apartment 7. Rick opens the back door to let Danny, Al,
Horizonic
1. Rotate hot water and the boys in with the decoy package.
knob all the way to extreme left position 8. The original package is replaced with the
2. Rotate cold water knob no more than 3 decoy.
degrees to left 9. All rendezvous back at Franks barbershop.
3. Water will be extremely hot at this point,
Mega-Doric
but begins to cool almost instantly
4. Wait 10 seconds LITTLE BOY NAMES
5. Rotate cold-water knob 15 degrees to left Aidan
Phillip
6. Wait 10 more seconds as water goes Brendan
through several quick alternating cycles of Brian
icy-cold and scalding-hot temperatures Brodie
7. Water temperature and knobs should now HOW TO PERFORM AN AUTOPSY Charlie
be synced 1. Inspect the body externally. Clean it, weigh Colin
8. Only use cold water knob to alter water it, and photograph it, taking note of Colby
temperature (WARNING: Leave hot-water knob conspicuous features such as birthmarks and Conor
alone until shower is complete) tattoos. In some cases, you may wish to take Dallas
x-rays. Dylan
2. Place a rubber brick known as a body Eli
BREAST AUGMENTATION block under the back. This will cause the Ethan
PROCEDURES arms and neck to fall and the chest to rise, Joey
Enlargement making it easier to cut and access the organs Kellen
Reduction within. Leo
One-up-one-down 3. In most cases, you will make a Y-shaped Logan
Nipple elongation incision in the chestcuts from each shoulder Julian
Nipple plastification that meet at the breastbone and continue Max

239

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 Oberon TOP PIZZA TRADE MAGAZINES PROTRACTORS IN POPULAR
Timmy (By Circulation) CULTURE
Toby Pizza Artisan....................................231,773 Protractor scene in Brians Song (ABC
Tyler Pizza Tomorrow...............................207,025 made-for-TV movie, 1971)
Tyree Pizza News Quarterly.......................202,278 Protractor used to complete some panels of
Parker International Pizzeria........................199,481 Alan Moore and David Gibbons acclaimed
Percy Crust & Mushroom..........................185,460 comic book series Watchmen (19861987)
Silas Pizza Now.......................................184,092 Protractor scene in When Harry Met Sally
Quinn Za Times........................................178,575 (1989)
Slice......................................131,718 Protractors mentioned 22 times in Paul
Pizza Proprietor Monthly..................120,988 Simon song Further To Fly from Simons
LITTLE GIRL NAMES Deep-Dish Entrepreneur....................100,760 album The Rhythm Of The Saints (1990)
Ashley Pizza Trend........................................94,098 Protractor scene in The Piano (1993)
Pepperoni Talk...................................81,768 Protractor appears as temp character for
Saucy!....................................78,942 recurring gag in one episode of CBS sitcom
TWO CITIES IN IDAHO Pizza Digest......................................70,013 Murphy Brown (1995)
Meridian Pizza Executive..................................61,348 Protractor scene in The Thin Red Line
Caldwell U.S. Pizza Report...............................50,585 (1998)
Modern Topping.................................46,380 Protractors not mentioned once in Werner
Brick Oven Professional.....................31,908 Herzogs protractor documentary Semicircle
FIVE MOST LUSCIOUS U.S. VICE Of The Gods (2000)
PRESIDENTS (based on the Tothan-Akers scale) Protractor mistakenly referred to as a
HOW FAR ONE CAN SHOVE THIS compass to comedic effect in Edward Albee
1. Walter Mondale........................987 ta/inch
ENCYCLOPEDIA UP ONES ASS play The Goat, Or Who Is Sylvia? (2002)
2. George Dallas ........................... 52 ta/inch
IN RELATION TO HOW BIG A PIECE Protractor spotted on set of upcoming film
3. Henry Wilson.............................48 ta/inch
OF SHIT ONE IS The Girl Who Played With Fire (2013)
4. Dick Cheney/Aaron Burr, Jr. (tie)...45 ta/inch
5. Hannibal Hamlin..........................38 ta/inch Huge Piece Of Shit: All the way up your ass Protractor attached to direct untitled Adam
Massive Piece Of Shit: Until you can taste it Sandler vehicle (pre-production)
Colossal Piece Of Shit: Sideways, and dont Protractor Boy, a peripheral interface
MORE PLACES TO KILL YOURSELF stop until you reach your elbow controller accessory for the Nintendo
IN UTICA, NEW YORK, AND Entertainment System is released, along with
SUGGESTED METHODS a popular series of protractor-based video
NUMBER OF SPACE SHUTTLES games (1988)
Utica Boehlert Transportation Center:
STACKED END TO END NEEDED
Stand in middle of tracks, wait for Amtrak to
TO REACH THE MOON
run you over.
3 huge space shuttles STEPFATHERS VIEWS OF THEIR
Columbia Street: Bash head into asphalt STEPCHILDREN
over and over again until dead.
Stanley Theatre Building: Back up car as SAFFIRSIMPSON HURRICANE
far as you can on Hopper Street. Put car in SCALE ADDENDUM (Category 610)
drive. Drive as fast as you can directly into Category 6: Beachside homeowner who
building. says hes ridden out tons of hurricanes now
Uptown Movie Theatre: You can blow your floating face down in remainder of living room.
brains out here before, during, or after a Category 7: All structures crushed except
movie. for large steel-frame buildings, which come to
Government Building: Ask for mayor, tell think of it, are also crushed.
him his city is a terrible place to live, politely Category 8: [false alarmlight breeze
ask him to put you out of your misery. drizzle of rainmost outdoor events
25% - Love Like Own Biological Children
Valley View Golf Course: Find grounds crew canceleddue to administrative errornot
building. Drink every pesticide you can find. lasting more than 15 minutes] 18% - Theyre 16 And Will Be Out Of The House In Two Years,
So Whatever
Hampton Inn, Best Western, Days Inn: Category 9: Nothing noticeable, as all
15% - Still Feeling Each Other Out, But Theyre Good Kids. Real
Perfect places for tourists to check into room objects become 800-mph projectiles at Good Kids.

and take pills or hang themselves after exactly the same time. 12% - An Unbelievable Burden, Naturally

realizing they are vacationing in Utica. Category 10: Everything natural and 10% - Molestable
Utica Zoo: Jump into lions den, get eaten man-made ripped from ground and ejected
by lion. into space, leaving behind only exposed 9% - Theyre Pretty Messed Up, But Their Real Dad Is A Total
Shitheel, So You Cant Really Blame Em
Mohawk River: Tie cinder blocks to feet, sections of the Earths mantle. 6% - Just Waiting For The Big One To Take A Swing
jump in.
5% - Molestable, But Barely

240

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 A

SHAPES AND THEIR LAST-KNOWN Tiny Sonuvabitch: Very illness, making it too expensive to engage in
WHEREABOUTS small, anger-inducing knot preventative medicine, thus letting a small,
Triangle that is impossible to untie easily cured ailment spiral out of control until
Buying 40-ounce bottle of King with these useless sausage fingers you die
Cobra at a Raleigh, North Carolina, Exactly like John Barrymore
convenience store, August 2003 Flemish Bend Knot: Paramedics futilely beating at your chest
Difficult knot that, if one is through the shell of Nutcracker toy soldier
Rhombus really good at tying, means costume
Boarding a single-engine plane one chose a life path that Harry Belafonte vendetta
approximately 175 miles northwest involves making a lot of Pushed off Days Inn balcony by drunk
of the Seychelles Islands, February these knots, therefore making this person grandmother
2001 weird and unapproachable Choking on own severed fingers
Octagon Quickly spreading flame from burning
At a remote area near Bear Creek, marshmallow
June 1999 STATISTICALLY LEAST PROBABLE Sucked inside powerful vacuum cleaner
WAYS TO DIE
Rectangle
Hit by a bus while bending over to pick up a
Leaving for school Tuesday UNUSED MATERIAL
dollar in the street, because how obvious is
morning, March 2012 The following letters, words, punctuation,
that
symbols, phrases, and images wound up not
Oval Mauled by dog, finished off by smaller dog
being needed in the primary text of this
Outside Nashville, April 1996 Tragic Internet messaging accident
reference volume.
Herubin overdose
Square w
Blown away by layered performance of
Despite numerous false reports, no g
James Franco in 127 Hours
confirmed sightings of this shape ;
Finally cornered by Van Helsing
exist g
Murdered by Indiana Pacers basketball team
&
Choking on single grain of couscous
Mycenaean
Stabbed by doctor immediately after he tells
MAXIMUM PAIN THRESHOLD OF $
you your vital signs are looking good
PROMINENT AMERICANS Symptoms include abdominal pain and blurred
Courageously
Alexander Hamilton: Rocks to head during vision with occasional
After discovering that bagels are made from
speeches /
slow-release poison dough
Susan B. Anthony: Peel back fingernails, =
Shot by completely different coworker than
pour vinegar on wounds F
you would have guessed
Frederick Douglass: What do you got? bassist Mat Brady
Waking up one morning and instinctively
Eileen Chang: Hammer to toes 2.65
traveling to elephants graveyard in Kenya
James Whale: Poking/arm punches (
During Great Polio Epidemic of 1916
Dorothy Parker: Numerous bat whacks to )
Small, sharp-toothed man attaching self to
calves and thighs (drunk); harsh words (sober) $7,360
elbow, eating through entire body
John Wayne: Reduced to tears by noogie Looking up at sky too fast, Adams apple
Sandra Day OConnor: Room heated to 84 protruding through neck
Dakota Fanning: Thumb bent back to ;; ; ; ;
Swallowed whole by sparrow
forearm ,
Bleeding out through fingernails
Ira Glass: Can withstand removal of eyes, .
Turning head to left, head just falling off
every tooth, each finger, one knuckle at a but what does it matter? What does any of it
Running out of printer paper
time, and still break his bond to slay his really matter?
Getting hit by bus, living, bus turning into
tormentor fuck
very muscular man who beats you to death
fuck
Secondhand stroke
Christ
Respawning into little brothers sniper scope
TYPES OF KNOTS fuck
Eaten by EMTs
Bowline: Classic knot fuck
Unsecured barrel rolling off truck causing
that will not slip; if it d. July 12, 2009
car to slam on brakes startling police horse
does slip, one is entitled ~
nearby knocking off rider causing gun to fall
to $10 from ones government and a written hubba hubba
to ground shooting you in head
apology from the Secretary-General of the ;
Poisoned underpants
United Nations ;
Non-poisoned underpants: choking
?
Being scraped from uterus by a Planned
Zentangler: Mess Parenthood doctor
of interlaced strands Surrounded by loved ones
that often provides spiritual enlightenment Dropped by insurance company after major
when tied properly

241

BOB.indd 241 11/06/12 6:53 PM

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Assisi-SS; Satan-PD Page 174: San Diego-G; Page 175: Sept 11-G; San Francisco-G; Secret Service-G Page 176: Seesaw-SS; Seneca-PD; Serling-G Page 177: Sex-O; Shot Put-G Page 178:
Seychelles-G; Shroud-SS; Shakespeare-SS Page 179: Slavery-G; Ski-PD Page 180: Snow-SS; Soccer-SS; Socrates-SS Page 181: Sonic-Pete Sucheski; Spector-G; Solar System-PD Page 182:
Design-Mike Ley; Javelin-SS; Field-Larry Buchanan, Ref-SS; Stalin-SS; Statue-G; Star Wars-PD; Stringed Bongo Horn-Mike Loew Page 184: String-PD; Geese-SS; Sullivan-TD Page 185:
Suburb-SS; Supermodel-G; Swiss-G Page 186: SWAT-G; Synagogue-SS; Sydney-SS; Gland-O Page 187: Tablet-G; Taj Mahal-Michael Faisca Page 188: Tattoo-Courtesy of Bert Krak;
Taft-PD; Taylor-PD Page 189: Tectonic Plate-Ward Sutton Page 190: Telescope-SS; Terracotta-SS; Tehran-SS; Telephone-G Page 191: Time-PD; Theater-G Page 192: This Guy-SS;
Titanic-PD; Timeout-G; Toronto-SS; Page 193: Tooth-O; Toast-SS; Trafalgar-G; Tractor-SS Page 194: Trail-PD; Handrail-G Page 195: Truman-PD; Paper-G; Train-SS; Treasury-PD Page
196: Turnip-John Harris; Trojan-G; Truth-PD; Turkury-O; Apostles-SS Page 197: Tyler-PD, Poole-G; Twain-G; Typhoid-G Page 198: Tyson-NC; MKX-PD Page 199: UFO-;
Underpants-SS; Unicycle-G; Baby-G Page 200 & 201: Astronaut-PD; Sagan-G; Map-PD Page 202: Uncling Monthly-Charlie Giglia; U-650-G; Utica-PD Page 203: Van Gogh-PD;
Tosches-Courtesy of Danny Mulligan; Van Braak-G; Page 204: Flytrap-SS; Van Buren-PD; Venus-PD; Vase-SS Page 205: Running-PD; Fire-PD Page 206: Mary-SS; V-J Day-PD; Venus-G
Page 207: Volcano-SS; Krakatoa-G Page 208: Voodoo-NC; Vulture-G; Vonnegut-G; Voyager-PD Page 209: artin Foster-G; enstein Map-0, Flag-0 Page 210: afkenpemblater-SS;
ike Fir-O; ipsy Prestos World-David Pagano Page 211: manuel Christmas Day-R. Sikoryak; oeber Square-SS; rait-SS Page 212: ubi-Clean-PD ; u fe sa et-SS; willer
Un-Toaster-SS Page 213: Washington-PD Page 214: Watch-O; Washington DC-PD; Martha-PD Page 215: Monument-SS; Water Lilies-PD; Waterfall-SS Page 216: Bombs-G; Computer-G;
Saddam-G; Canon-SS Page 217: Illustrations-Mike Loew Page 218: Figures, top to bottom-G, PD, G, G, PD & O; Letter-O; Poster-G; Mona Lisa-PD; Washington-G; Napoleon-PD Page
219: Photos clockwise from top left-G, G, G, G; Insignia-O Page 220: West-G; Whiskey-SS; Western Alliance-O Page 221: Weapons, PD; Photo-PD Page 222: Wilson-PD; White House-G;
Whitman-G Page 223: Wind Turbine-Larry Buchanan; Willis Tower-O; Wolf-SS Page 224: WWI: PD Page 225: WWII: Photo-PD; Plane-G Page 226: Woodstock-G; Wright Brothers-PD;
Woods-SS; Wright-G Page 227: Xavier-NC; Xs-O; Xylocarp-Kiji McCafferty Page 228: Xanthradel-O; Doctor-G; Drum-SS Page 229: Yellowthroat-SS; Yak-SS; Yalta-G, PD Page 230:
Youngstown-SS; Yoga-SS; Yellowstone-SS; Red Velvet-SS Page 231: Zapruder-PD; Zimmer-SS; Logo-O Page 232: Orders-G; GeeseSS; Shark-SS Page 233: All SS Page 234: Zoo-SS;
Zeppelin-G; Zodiac-PD Page 235: Zibby Illustrations by Ward Sutton; Zweibel-Ben Grasso; Ready Reference-O, except Page 241: Knots-SS; Mike Bocchetti/O; and Marbles-SS.

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 A

Acknowledgments

Special thanks to Daniel Greenberg; Geoff Shandler and his colleagues at Little, Brown: Liese Mayer,
Heather Fain, Mario Pulice, Lindsey Andrews, Kate MacAloney, Ploy Stripant, Matthew Tanner,
Rachael Larson, Amanda Tobier, Michael Pietsch, Liz Garriga, and Denise LaCongo; Mike Ley;
Larry Buchanan, Mike Loew, Pete Sucheski, Ward Sutton, Emily Flake, Kiji McCafferty, Ben Grasso,
Charlie Giglia, R. Sikoryak, and David Pagano; Craig Cannon, Jenny Nellis, Gregory Ronquillo,
Maxime Simonet, Gilbert Shi, and William Wiggins; Danny Mulligan; Alyssa Varner; Shira Danan,
Mike Drucker, Django Gold, Sam Kemmis, Matt Klinman, Lane Moore, Jill Morris, Andrei Nechita,
Michael Pielocik, Zack Poitras, Jocelyn Richard, Anita Serwacki, and Sigmund Stern; Emily Bina,
Signe Brewster, Patrick Burns, Marty Cramer, Sam Dean, Leslie Feinberg, Dennis Flynn, Mary Mann,
Isaac McQuistion, Rachel Miller, Ali Moran, Matt Powers, Dean Praetorius, Scott Rosenfeld, Lindsay
Sanchez, Nicole Schilder, Sophie Song, Caroline Tan, Seena Vali, Chloe Walker, Allissa Wickham, and
Robin Wildman; Rachel Arbeit and Anne Johnson; Grace Bello, Renato Bello, and Benito Cereno;
Bert Krak; Anne Finn; Dave Rosen; Jun Ueno; The A.V. Club staff

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 Copyright Notice
For the publication of this encyclopedia, The Onion has acquired the rights to all knowledge, past and
present, and thus any future written or published words, sentences, thought fragments, scientific
works, metaphors, or images containing any information whatsoever must be first cleared and licensed
with The Onion.

4
Or all the way back here.

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