Developing
Positive
Assertiveness
JamieJohnson
johns2ja@jmu.edu
IntroWhoamI?
Whoareyou?
Whyareyouhere?
(Orbetterphrased,Whatbringsyouhere?*Whatmakesthisbetterphrased?)
Whatisassertiveness?
WhatassertivenessisNOT:
Aggressive
Passive
PassiveAggressive
*Remember:
FightFlightRightandwewanttodowhatisRight!
Aggressivenessmayinvolve
Fight
Disrespectingothersrightstoretainyourownrights.
Winningatallcosts.
Communicatingsarcastically.
Attackingthepersoninsteadoffocusingonthebehavioror
problemsolving.
Violatingboundaries.
Attemptingtocontrolothers.
[Examplevideo]
Aretheretimestobeaggressive?
Passivenessmayinvolve
Flight
Possiblyrespectingothersrightswhileignoringyourown
rights.
Notcommunicatingdirectlywhenthesituationwarrantsit.
Allowingotherstowalkonorcontrolyou.
Allowingyourboundariestobeviolated.
Indecisiveness.
[Examplevideo]
Aretheretimestobepassive?
PassiveAggressiveness
mayinvolve
FightFlightpattern.
EitherrespectingONLYyourrightsORothers
rights.
Notaddressingtheproblemorbehavior.
Talkingaboutpeoplebehindtheirback/Gossip
Fluctuatingbetweenviolatingothersboundariesor
havingyourboundariesviolated.
Whatisassertiveness?
Right.
Respectingothersrightsaswellasyourownrights.
Communicatingeffectively,directly,andwithconfidence.
Dealingwithconflicteffectivelyandcalmly.
Handlingandreceivingfeedbackeffectively.
Settingboundaries.
Focusisonbehaviorandproblemsolvinginsteadof
attacking/ignoringtheperson.
CommunicationStyles
AndNow
NoPressure!
(Iwanttorespectyourboundaries)
Althoughmostsituationswarrantassertive
behavior.
Mostofusarenotassertive.
Eventhosewhoaretrainedarenotassertiveall
thetime.
Whatsyourdefault?
Techniques
WhenyouIfeelIwouldlike
Istatements
Brokenrecord
Acknowledgement,validation,gratitude
Beproactive.
WhenyouIfeelIwould
like:
Whenyou(describethepersonsbehavior)
Ifeel(stateyouremotion)
Iwouldlike(statealternativebehavior)
Cautions.
Letsroleplay
Istatements
Anexampleis,IfeelorIwouldlike
PreventsusingYouwhichmayleadtoattackingthe
otherperson.
Restate:Youaresoegotisticalandfullofyourselfand
yourownideas!toIwouldlikeyoutoconsiderthis
idea.
Istatementsexercise:RestatethefollowingasI
statements.
Letsroleplay
BrokenRecord
Thetelemarketercallsduringsupper.
No.
Repeatafterme:No.
Sticktoyourguns.
Thiscanbeeffectivewithguilttripsand
gamespeoplemayplaytoviolateboundaries.
Letsroleplay
Acknowledgement,Validation,Gratitude
Receivingacomplimentorfeedbackisanassertiveact.
Validatethatsomeonehasspoken,evenifusingminimal
responsesasdemonstratedinactivelisteningskills.
Asyoufocusonbehaviors,facts,andtheproblemtobesolved,
makesuretovalidatetheotherpersonsfeelings:Iknowitwas
ahardday
Thankyou(forfeedbackpositiveornegative)alifeof
gratitude
Letsroleplay
BeProactive
Takeaction.
Youcanchoose.
Beingreactiveanddefensivecanresultinblame:
Blamingothers(aggression)
Blamingself(passivity)
Takeresponsibilityforyouractions.Sometimes,thismaymean
admittingyouwerewrong.
Forgivenesssurrenderingtheperceivedrighttotakerevengeonanother.
Choosingnottotakerevenge.Itdoesnotnecessarilymeanforgetting(Fred
DiBlasio).
DogPoopInitiativeKirkWeisler
AdvancedTechniques
(onlyiftimepermits):
Boundariesandexpectations
Detriangulation
ConflictResolution:Focusonbehavior,problemwheninconflict.
Considerissuesaroundyourowngoalsand
anger/anxiety/depression.
Coping
TRUTH
Addressingfaultycognitions
BoundariesandExpectations:
Whatisaboundary?
Doesnthavetobeawall.
FencesandAutomaticGarageDoors
DogsandFences
WhatdoYouExpect?byJamieJohnson
Detriangulation:
Effectivefordealingwithgossip,enmeshment,passive
aggressiveness.
GossipaboutLuke:IheardthatLukeisjealousofHan.
HaveyoucheckedwithLukeaboutthis?
ComplainingaboutLuke:Lukeswhiningisgettingonmy
nerves!Whydontyoutellhimtocanit!
IthinkyoushouldtalktoLukeaboutthis.
Trytoconnectthetwoindividualswhosharetheproblemor
issue.
Dontbecomethemaninthemiddle.
ConflictResolutionFocusonbehavior/problem(Conflict
mayresumedespiteyourbestefforts):
Donotpersonalizeorattack.
Describebehavioryoucanactuallyseeinsteadofsomethingthat
couldhavevaryingdefinitionstotheotherpersonorinsteadof
emotionalizingitandattackingthepersondirectlyorindirectly.
Forexample:WhenyouturnaroundwhenIamtalkingas
opposedtoWhenyouignoreme
Insteadofpicturingtwoboxersfacingoneanother,picturethetwoof
yousittingonthesamesideofthetablefocusedtogetheronthe
problemonthetable.
Goals:
Desire(Iwouldlike)vs.Goal(Ineed)Dr.LarryCrabb
Remember:Youdontcontroltheperson.Youcanonly
influence.
Anger/Anxiety/Depression:
Angercanoccurwhenyourinappropriategoalsareblocked.
Anxietycanoccurwhenyourinappropriategoalsareuncertain.
Depressioncanoccurwhenyourinappropriategoalsaredeemedunreachable.
Whatisyourgoal?Isitappropriate?
Doyoucontroleverythingtomakethatgoalhappen?
Ifnot,thenchangeyourgoaltoadesire,especiallyifanotherpersonis
involved.
Ifyoudonotgetyourdesire,youcanfeeldisappointmentinsteadofanger.
Anger/Anxiety/Depression:
Angercanbeamaskforaanotheremotionsuchas
disappointment,sadness,anxiety,fear,orhurt.
Peoplecaninfluenceustobecomeangry,butcannot
makeusangrysinceangercomesfromourbeliefs.
Angerisnotalwaysabadthing.
Amoderateamountofanxietyaccomplishes
much.
Anger/Anxiety/Depression:
ABCD
A=ActivatingEventWhathappened?
B=BeliefWhatareyourbeliefsbehindtheemotion?
C=EmotionalConsequenceWhatdoyoufeel?
D=DisputeDisputetheirrationalbeliefs.
Whataretheconflict,choices,andconsequences?
***Whatcanyouchange/notchange?***
Coping:
Apsychologicalcrisismayexistifoneofthefollowing
ismissing:
Asupportnetwork
Arealisticperceptionoftheevent
Ahistoryofhealthycopingskills(techniques)
SOURCE:DonnaC.Aguilera
Whatstheapplicationforassertiveness?
TRUTHmodelbyJamieJohnson:
Triggerevent
wRongthinking
Unhealthyresponsesruledout
Truthaboutthesituation
Healthyresponse
FaultyCognitions:
Focusedonthedetails
EmotionalReasoning
Magnification
Overgeneralization
Personalization
Splitting
Focusedonthedetails:
STUCKONTHEDETAILS(selectiveabstraction)
Focusingononedetailandmissingthebigpicture.Lookingat
onetreeandmissingtheforest.
SOLUTION:
Whatisthebigpicture?
Whatistrueconsideringallthings?
EmotionalReasoning:
HowIfeeliswhatIthink.
SOLUTION:
Callanemotionwhatitisandchangethethoughtsthatlead
toit.
Magnification:
Makingthingsbiggerthanwhattheyreallyare.
Makingmountainsoutofmolehills.
Majoringintheminors.
SOLUTION:
Whatisthetruesize???
Overgeneralization:
Believingthatonethingthathappensistrueforall
things.
SOLUTION:
It rained
today.
Whatistrueandrealistic?
Isthisawaytotrytoavoidresponsibilityandnotworkfor
change?
I guess it will rain EVERY
day.
Personalization:
Takingthingspersonally.
Thinkingeverythingismeantaboutyou.
SOLUTION:
Letwhatsomeoneelsesaystellaboutthem.
Whatdoyouthink?Isittrue?
Splitting:
AllorNonethinking
Only2choicesAllorNone
Aversionoffightorflight
SOLUTION:
Thinkofmoreideasbesidesthe2choices
Applicationsforthismaterial:
Work
Family,especiallyextendedfamily
CustomerService
Conflict
Others?
DEVELOPING AN
ASSERTIVENESS PLAN:
Have you USED SWOT?
USED:
Use/Stop/Exploit/Defend
SWOT:
Strengths/Weaknesses/Opportunities/Threats
Questions
and
Answers
SOURCESbyTopics(inbold):
Overviewandsomepsychotherapeuticmaterials:Johnson,JamesJamieArthur,M.A.(former
LPC).(19992004).
Istatements:Johnson,JamesJamieArthur,M.A.(formerLPC).(2002).IStatementsExercise.
TRUTHmodel:Johnson,JamesJamieArthur,M.A.(formerLPC).(2002).TruthModel.
Expectations:Johnson,JamesJamieArthur,M.A.(formerLPC).(2008).Whatdoyouexpect?.
Online:http://beacondeacon.com/ichthus/personal/WhatDoYouExpect.htm.
PersonalSelfAssessment:"DevelopingPositiveAssertiveness"trainingpresentedbyMarisaGeisser
andMichelleGrilliandindirectlyfromthesourcesthereof:
Covey,S.R.(1999).The7HabitsofHighlyEffectivePeople.NewYork:FirstFiresideedition.
Dombeck,M.&WellsMoran,J.(2006).SettingBoundariesAppropriately:AssertivenessTraining.
RetrievedOctober2,2008fromhttp://mentalhelp.net
Keeps,E.J.,Stolovitch,H.D.(2002).TellingAintTraining.Baltimore:VictorGraphics.
Lloyd,S.R.(2002).DevelopingPositiveAssertiveness:ThirdEdition.USA:
VonHoffmanGraphicsInc.
SOURCESbyTopicscontinued:
AssertivenessVideo:CRMLearning(2008).BeingAssertive(DVD).http://www.crmlearning.com
Whenyou...Ifeel...Iwouldlike:Glanzer,James,LPC,FamilyLifeResourceCenter.Harrisonburg,VA.
Forgiveness:DiBlasio,FrederickA.,PhD.UniversityofMarylandSchoolofSocialWork.
BeingProactive:Weisler,KirkA.(2005).TheDogPoopInitiative.TeamDynamics,Inc.
Anger,Anxiety,Depressionandgoals:Morrison,John,FBCPastorofFamilyLife.Winchester,VA.
Goals/Desires:Crabb,Dr.Larry(1992).TheMarriageBuilder.Zondervan.
SOURCESbyTopicscontinued:
REBT/ABCD:Ellis,A.,andHarper,R.A.(1975).ANewGuidetoRationalLiving.N.Hollywood,
CA:WilshireBooks.*NOTE:ABCDmodelonlineat
http://kap.samhsa.gov/products/manuals/pdfs/anger1.pdf(p.33).
Crisis:Aguilera,DonnaC.(1998).CrisisIntervention:TheoryandMethodology.St.Louis,MO:
Mosby.
SWOT:Armstrong,Michael.(1996).ManagementProcessesandFunctions.London:Hyperion
Books.
FaultyCognitions/CBT:Burns,DavidD.andBeck,AaronT.(1999).FeelingGood:TheNewMood
Therapy.CollinsLiving.
Triangulation:McGoldrick,Monica.(2008).Genograms:AssessmentandIntervention.W.W.
Norton&Company.
