Journey to Surrender

How does your own "marriage baggage" influence your thinking on roles in marriage?

It seems that few things spark a furor like the topic of male and female roles in marriage. I've read a lot of posts and comments on this topic, but I'm always amazed at the lack of grace shown on either side of the egalitarian vs. complementarian debate.

Many in the blogosphere hold strong positions  and vehemently defend them. I willingly admit that my own opinions are pretty firmly entrenched, and I'm sure there are times when I've lacked grace in my own writing. I am trying to change my ways.

I have to remind myself that we are (almost) all striving for the same goal: strong, intimate, passionate and enduring marriages. We are all just seeking what works best. That is a good thing! And it's a good thing to keep in mind as we debate the issue.

We All Have Marriage Baggage

A majority of those debating marriage roles write from their own personal experiences. The strongest opinions seem to be held by those with strongly negative experiences.

• A wife whose first husband was an abusive authoritarian dictator will often argue strongly for equality and against any form of authority. 
• A couple whose marriage was transformed from constant battle to peace and harmony through the path of submission and headship will sing the praises of such an arrangement. 
• A husband whose sexless, passionless marriage was saved when his wife decided to no longer refuse sex, will swear that "never say no again" is the only way to go. 
• A wife whose husband was "checked out" before embracing his role as a loving leader will champion the cause of strong leadership by husbands.

The same goes for what we observe first-hand in the marriages around us. The marriages of parents, family and friends will strongly influence our marriage paradigms.

• Those whose parents are happily married for 30-40-50 years in a "traditional" marriage, will often lean in that direction. 
• If your father was heavy-handed and uncaring in the exercise of his authority, chances are you'll swear that any form of authority (and therefore submission) is dangerous. 
• Have some friends whose marriage fell apart due to a husband who abused his wife or a wife who openly disrespected her husband? Those failed marriages will no doubt weigh into your marriage paradigm.

The bottom line is that most of us will form our opinions by what we have experienced as working (or not) in our own marriage(s) or what we've seen work (or not) in the marriages around us.

What Seems to Work?

So is the whole discussion of roles in marriage simply a matter of figuring out what you think/observe/experience works best in your own marriage? If it's not a question of sin (which I believe it is not), why not just "do what seems good?"

As right and practical and tempting as that seems, what do we do with what the Bible says about marriage?

Of course scripture requires interpretation and application. I believe it's important for us to wrestle with some big, important questions:

• What did God have in mind when he created the first marriage back in Eden? Does it matter today?
• What does it mean that he created us male and female and declared it "very good."
• What are the marital implications of the new covenant and grace?
• What do words like "head" and "submit" and "respect" and "love" mean in the Apostle Paul's instructions on marriage?

Ultimately we need to come to terms with what the only valid metaphor for marriage, Christ and the church, implies about God's design for marriages - marriages like yours and mine.

I'm convinced that God's heart is for marriage. It's a huge deal to him - big enough that he framed our time-bound existence with marriages as described in Genesis and in Revelation. Long before he sent Jesus to be our bridegroom, even before the dawn of time, he knew he would win for himself an eternal bride. So he set up marriage to be a picture of his loving pursuit of a bride of his own.

In the next few parts of this series, I plan to dig a bit deeper into the issue of male and female marriage roles. I will be talking about things like what it means to be masculine and feminine and why that matters. I'll be talking about how we've screwed up God's original intent and how our counter-reaction to that hasn't really fixed the problem. I'll dig into the data on some current marriage trends and tie that back to the topic at hand. We will look at scripture and parse some Greek.

Over the space of this occasional series we'll look at the topic from many different angles.

As I embark on this far-ranging series, I hope this post will serve as a reminder for us all to be aware of how your own marriage "baggage" influences our perspectives. We should be aware that to more or less of a degree we are all the product of our own experiences, good and bad. But our experiences don't necessarily dictate truth.

Regardless of our past, let's agree together to look afresh at what the Bible says about marriage, to wrestle again with the difficult questions about gender and marriage. It's worth the effort. It matters.

 

"Male and Female He created them." But why?

During our recent vacation, I spent time madly catching up on the big backlog in my blog feed reader.

As usual, all this reading spawned dozens of post ideas (many of which I will probably never get to). I read a lot on one particular subject, and I was inspired to tackle a hotly debated topic that I've not touched on for a while: male and female roles in marriage.

Yeah. That.

It will take several posts to explore the topic, even in part. I will likely intersperse the series with some more lighthearted fare. I don't want things to get too serious around here.

As a prelude to this series, let me say that this is not a salvation issue. It's also not a sin issue. As such, differing opinions on marriage roles are just that - opinions. My own opinions are strongly held and thoroughly considered, but I also believe I can learn from the others with whom I disagree. I concede that each side of the debate probably has it partially right. We all see through a glass dimly. Let's try to appreciate that fact.

I am hoping to spark discussion. However, I am asking that we keep the discussion honoring, respectful and positive. Hostile, mean-spirited or snarky comments on either side of the debate will not be tolerated. Period.

Side note:  to be intellectually honest you should always seek to understand what those with whom you disagree have to say. Sadly, I find that many on either side of the complementarian/egalitarian debate only read and discuss the topic among those who share their opinion, thus adding to the deeper divide between the two. Similarly, it seems many Christians shy away from examining anything "secular" or not overtly "Christian." This series will likely stretch a few of these boundaries.
 
Yin and Yang

As I was catching up on my blog reader backlog I came across a post on the importance of yin and yang in relationships. In case the concept of yin-yang is unknown to you, it is the ancient Chinese concept that seemingly opposite (or more accurately, complimentary) forces are often deeply interconnected. Examples include light and dark, high and low, and, pertinent to our discussion today, male and female.

The article spoke of the balance and harmony created through difference and contrast in relationships. These get lost, the author posed, in our quest for fairness and equality.

Fundamental to the concept of yin and yang is the fact that you can't have yin without yang. It makes no sense. Light has no meaning without darkness. There is no high without low. And there is no male without female.

Now yin-yang is not a "Christian" concept, and the post I refer to was not on a "Christian" marriage blog. However, as I thought about it, it dawned on me that God is actually the original designer of yin and yang, even though the Bible doesn't use those terms.

Yin and Yang and God

Not sure about that?  Consider these yin-yang moments at the dawn of creation:

• Then God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness. (Genesis 1:3-4)
• Then God said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear"; and it was so. And God called the dry land Earth, and the gathering together of the waters He called Seas. And God saw that it was good. (Genesis 1:9-10)

And finally:

• Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them... Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good... " (Genesis 1:26-27, 31)

Why?

Clearly male and female are both created in God's image. In human creation there is no sense of more and less, no sense of difference in importance or worth.

But there is difference. There is distinction. Male and female.

So the pertinent question is, "Why?"

Is there anything more to maleness and femaleness beyond the physical differences for the purpose of procreation?

Egalitarians mostly argue for the meaninglessness irrelevance of gender in defining roles in marriage. Certainly those with an ardently feminist bent do so with vigor. It seems to me that to do so argues for yang without yin or vice-versa, and this cannot be.

Others try to uncouple yang and yin from male and female. Again, to me this is a non-starter. If we believe that God made us male and female for a reason, can we so easily disregard the distinction and purpose of the two?

My observation is that society (including much of the church) is pushing men to be less yang (male) and more yin (female). At the same time, other societal forces seem to compel women toward more yang and less yin (to be more like men).

Is this blurring of the lines between yin and yang a result of societal enlightenment? Or are we undermining God's intent for His creation? Are we finally overcoming eons of patriarchal suppression of women by men or are we simply allowing political correctness to blur our eyes from the truth? Tough questions.

What Do You Think?

I have more thoughts to share on this important topic, but I want to pause here to get your thoughts.

Would you do me a favor and answer the following question in the comments:

With respect to marriage, why did God create us male and female?

It goes  hand in glove with the series I just concluded on positivity, so I encourage you to hurry and go check it out!


FYI Here are the links to the prior posts in the series:

1. The Power of Positive
2. The Power of Positive: Thinking
3. The Power of Positive: Speaking 
4. The Power of Positive: Doing

My short series this week on sexual surrender started here.Thus far I've written separately to husbands and to wives.

Today’s post will make more sense if you read those first, so go back and read them if you haven't yet.

Today I’m concluding this little series with some thoughts for both of you.

I’d like to start with an amendment to my premise that opened this series:

Marriage is meant to be more about your surrender than about your satisfaction.

With this important addition:

Mutual sexual surrender is the best path to sexual satisfaction!

A paradigm of surrender in your sexual relationship means that each of you places a higher value on the satisfaction of the other than on satisfaction of self.

Sexual Surrender: What It Is, What It Isn’t

God brings favor and blessing to your marriage bed when you choose to relinquish your rights and choose instead to serve your partner. Choose to focus on what you can give instead of what you receive or expect. In light of the fact that your spouse has the biblical right to your body and to the sexual fulfillment that implies, be deliberate in giving yourself to him or her in a way that brings joyful satisfaction. Remember that the bedroom is the one place where you alone can satisfy your spouse’s needs and desires.

But don’t fall into the trap of thinking that surrender implies weakness, compromise or giving in. I’m not asking you to give up your sexual self, but to use it to serve and satisfy your spouse instead of solely for selfish gratification.

By sexual surrender, I do not imply that you should end up with what Dr. David Schnarch calls sexual leftovers. By that he means the doldrums that result when your sex life consists solely of what is left after each of you selfishly takes things off the table of your sexual relationship. Sexual surrender is neither about giving up on your own sexual desires nor giving in to the coercion of your spouse’s desires.

The joy of sexual surrender is found when you learn to delight both in giving and receiving pleasure in abundance.

Mutuality is Critical

It is very important to realize that for sexual surrender to work in a marriage, it must be mutual. If there is a lack of mutuality then it will not be sustainable, and it could be unhealthy or worse, dangerous. But when I say it must be mutual, I’m not implying that you should keep score. I’m not suggesting you should attempt to measure your spouse’s degree of surrender or rate their success. What I mean is that you each should have the intent to sexually surrender to the other and the desire to serve the other’s sexual nature and needs toward the goal of increased sexual intimacy.

On a related note, genuine surrender gives without expecting something in return. In bed that can be really difficult to accomplish. But sexual surrender is not a tit-for-tat, give a little, get a little kind of game. Your mindset must not be to give only as much as you get and nothing more. As a wife, don’t climb into bed measuring the degree to which you got your emotional needs fulfilled and then decided whether you’ll have sex with your husband. As a husband, don’t decide to withhold from your wife the things that you know satisfy her need for emotional connection when you don’t feel your are getting enough sex.

It’s not easy, but it requires that you lay down your expectation of a 50-50 compromise relationship and instead go for 100-100, where each of you is fully giving his or her self in order to satisfy the other completely.

A Sexual Barometer

It’s commonly said that sex is like a barometer for your marriage as a whole. Sexual issues often point to broader issues in your marriage. In the same way, a lack of surrender in the bedroom often means there are surrender issues in other areas of your marriage.

Husbands, are you leading your wife with love? Are you cherishing her and making her feel adored in the non-sexual aspects of your relationship on a consistent basis? Are you laying down your life for her, serving her sacrificially?

Wives, are you respecting your husband? Do you work with and through him instead of around and against him? Do you follow his lead and keep yourself submitted to (“arranged under”) his headship.

Truthfully, without a prevailing atmosphere of surrender in your marriage in general, sexual surrender is going to be very hard to achieve. Take a surrender inventory of yourself and your marriage. Ask yourself the hard questions. If you are consistent at trying to live a surrendered marriage, sexual surrender can follow much more naturally.

It’s Simple But Not Easy

Sex is a hugely complex issue. Every couple’s history and issues are different, and the barriers to sexual surrender will be different as well. I don’t mean to imply by what I’ve said here that it is easy. It’s not. But it is good. Very good.

I believe that a paradigm of surrender is what God intends for your sexual relationship, just as it is for the non-sexual parts of your marriage. And as with the rest of your marriage, sexual surrender will ebb and flow. Sometimes it will be easy, sometimes it will feel impossible.

Things like stress, exhaustion, busyness and sickness will all challenge your degree of sexual surrender, causing you to turn inward and become more self-centered. But don’t give up and decide surrender doesn’t work just because it’s hard sometimes or because you don’t always have the intense and passionate sex life you think you should. Have grace toward your spouse when he or she struggles to surrender; have grace to forgive yourself and move on when surrender has been difficult for you.


What do you think of my suggestion that sexual surrender is God's plan for sexual intimacy?  Agree? Disagree? Let me know!

In the past week I read several good posts by female bloggers addressing the important topic of a body image. These were all written by women and all for women. I thought I would chime in and add a male perspective to this discussion.

I’ll point you specifically to the blog “Hot, Holy and Humorous,” which has two post that are both excellent. The first, “Facts and Figures,”  gives some data to back up the fact that what you think is average appearance is probably not average. She encourages wives to love the body God gave them. The second post, “Husbands - Help Us Feel & Be Beautiful,”  is obviously directed at husbands, explaining how they can help their wives’ win body image battle.

In a similar vein, I did a post last summer directed at husbands, “The Body Image Battle,” that continues to be quite popular, even a year later. It’s a must-read for husbands.

Today, however, I want to specifically address wives and give you a little insight from your husband’s viewpoint.

First of all, your husband wants you to feel beautiful. Yes, I know there are exceptions, but any good-willed husband wants his wife to feel attractive, even if he isn’t very good at saying the right things at the right times to help you feel that way. That also means he wants you to believe him when he does pay you a compliment instead of trying to refute it. Instead, make a habit of thanking him.

Second, your husband already knows the parts of your body you don’t like. There is no point in repeatedly pointing out every flaw, every time you dress and undress, as if you are trying to convince him to just accept the fact that you really are an ugly duckling. He isn’t going to accept it. And you really don’t want him to do you? Stop the negative self-talk; it only reinforces your wrong thinking.

Third, he likes your body. Whether you are fully clothed, in frilly lingerie or completely naked he likes to look at you. He is a visual creature, so let him look! Encourage him to look by dressing and/or undressing in front of him. Pick clothing or lingerie that you know he finds alluring on you – even if you don’t necessarily agree with him on that point. Have sex with the lights ON, and learn to be “naked without shame” before your husband (this is a term I use that refers back to God’s original intent for couples back in the Garden of Eden.)

Finally, your husband will be attracted to you as much by your confidence as by your appearance. This may be the toughest one and is probably the most important. Doing some of the things above will help you with the “appearance of confidence,” but I encourage you to go even further. It requires going beyond believing that your husband thinks you are beautiful, beyond stopping the negative self-descriptions, and beyond letting him enjoy looking at you. It requires a new way of thinking about yourself and your body. Loving your body, imperfections and all, is the very foundation of confidence.

It’s not likely that a single blog post is going to transform your self-image or get you to love your body and see it the way your husband does. But the first step is to determine in your mind to do something about your body image issues for your own sake and the sake of your marriage. It's time to do battle!

For a little further reading and inspiration, see the article “20 Reasons Why You Should Love and Appreciate Your Body,” on YourTango.com (Caution: YourTango is not written from Christian world view – browse with discretion)

I’d love to hear more from husbands and wives on this important topic:

Husbands, did I miss something above that you want your wife to know about her body image?


Wives, what is your experience with the body image battle?

During last night’s presidential debate Michelle Bachmann was asked by moderator Byron York if she would, as president, submit to her husband. Despite the boos from the audience, the question was not as completely out of left field as you might think, because she had on several occasions publically stated her belief in and practice of submitting to her husband.(Good for her for being willing to state her beliefs publically!)

Her answer was both gracious and sincere. "Thank you for that question, Byron,” she said after a brief pause and a big smile. “Marcus and I will have been married for 33 years this September 10. I’m in love with him. I’m so proud of him. What submission means to us, if that’s what your question is, it means respect. I respect my husband. And he respects me as his wife. That’s how we operate our marriage.”

Not surprisingly I’ve gotten a bunch of hits on my blog since last night from people searching on some combination of “submission” and “respect.” Most of these landed folks on the same post: “Respect, Submission and Trust.”

I’ll quote the relevant part of that post here to save you the trouble of going back and forth. In what follows, I am explaining my interpretation of the words typically translated as “respect” and “submission.”


Respect

I’ll start with respect by noting how the Apostle Paul ends his instructions on marriage in Ephesians 5 with this summary:

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Eph 5:33)

Though he begins this text in with instructions to wives on submission, he ends with the need for them to respect their husband. But are these really the same thing? Let’s look more closely.

Strong’s defines the Greek word Phobeo, in this context, as to reverence or treat with deference. Some dictionary definitions I’d like to include here are: holding in honor or esteem, to pay proper attention, and to show consideration for.

I have mentioned before the survey results that clearly show the highest stated need for husbands is the need to feel respected, in contrast to wives’ highest need, which is for love and affection. Interestingly, these are the very two things that Paul includes in his summary, quoted above. [ed. See the link in the left sidebar to the “Marital Needs Poll” for an interesting confirmation of Eggerich’s assertions.]

Submission

In contrast, Strong’s defines the Greek word for submission, hupotasso, as “to arrange ones self under,” and “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden.”

So what’s the difference between submission and respect? The way I see it, respect is the attitude and submission is the action that flows out of the attitude.

Emmerson Eggerichs, in his book “Love and Respect,” makes a pretty strong case that a wife’s respect should be unconditional in the same manner that a husband’s love should be unconditional. By this he does not mean unconditional admiration, agreement or approval. What I think he is getting at is the idea that if respect and honor is not the primary expression of your unconditional love for your husband, he will not feel loved. Again, this doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with or approve of his attitudes and actions. It means you approach him with respect out of reverence for that fact that he is your husband. See the difference? 

But I also believe that without respect, martial submission is really hard. A husband who requires grace from his wife in order for her to act with respect toward him will make her job of submission much more difficult. So although I tend to agree with Eggerich’s call for unconditional respect, a husband who works to earn that respect will add grace to his wife rather than requiring it from her, and in so doing further enable her to walk in submission to him.


In all I think Michelle Bachmann’s answer, that submission means respect, was the best you could hope for given the context.

Though she didn’t answer the moderator’s question directly, neither did she deny her belief being submissive to her husband. Of course she was careful to stay away from the hot button questions of “authority” and “obedience,” but she did get at the heart of the issue of biblical marriage roles. It would not have been possible for her to go into the meaning of the original Greek, the complexities of biblical translation, or expounded upon the theological arguments of complentarians and egalitarians.

She also made it clear that her answer was in terms of “what submission means to us,” a point that many in the inflamed (and mis-informed) liberal blogosphere have missed completely in their rantings on this subject today.

To use my own term, I would say the Bachmann’s probably have a Surrendered Marriage*. In any event, it at least seems to be one of the few highly visible examples of a thriving biblical marriage. Pray for them. This probably isn’t the last time we’ll see their marriage beliefs under attack!

How did the question and her answer strike you? Does submission and respect mean the same thing to you? I’d love to hear your take!


* For more details on Surrendered Marriage, check out the “Notable Series” on the left sidebar entitled “My Marriage Beliefs.”

It’s no secret that men and women typically process things differently. Men tend to be more the “let me go away and think it through” type, whereas women are more often the “let’s talk it out” type. My wife and I fit this somewhat stereotypical mold.

I’ve been under growing stress since returning from two glorious weeks of vacation. Many work, home and ministry pressures have been building up on me, resulting in a feeling of being rather overwhelmed. My natural reaction to stress is that I get short tempered. It’s often not pretty! It’s a long-standing personal deficiency that God is still trying to work out of me, but I’m not there yet.

As is sometimes the case when I get stressed, this week I got sharp with Jenni several times and also tended to take her attempts to encourage me as accusation, which only added to the tension between us. We were not communicating well at all! As much as I could see it happening, I was at a loss for how to reign in my emotions and get things back on a solid footing with us. It’s kind of like trying to save yourself from drowning. If you knew how to swim you wouldn’t be drowning in the first place.

As a result we withdrew further from each other emotionally. I needed time to think things over and to get a handle on what to do about my situation. Jenni was feeling hurt because we’d been close during our vacation, and now her attempts to encourage me and help bring us back together were having the opposite effect. It was difficult and painful for both of us.

Yesterday I spent a significant time in prayer, and I felt the Lord direct me to change my morning routine. To better equip myself for the day’s battles, I felt impressed to get out of bed and immediately listen to 15 minutes or so of worship music while interspersing it with prayer. This was not to be a time of major intercession for all my woes and worries, but to simply rest in his presence and start my day with Him.

So, yesterday afternoon I let Jenni know about what I felt led to do. I had “the answer” or at least a good strategy to get to one. In my mind it was (hopefully) over. But although she liked my idea very much, in her mind it was only part of it.

Fixing It vs. Fixing Us

You see, I had set about getting myself set on a better course. For me it was about seeking the fix for my problem of responding with negative emotions while under stress. But she was about fixing us, about restoring our connection. And I completely failed to see it.

Last night we decided to watch a movie. I could have given into the crush of stuff and skipped it, but I felt like we needed that time together and I was completely wiped out anyway. I snuggled close to her during the movie and touched her in ways I know she likes. But we were in two different places.

While I had processed things in my head and felt settled on my course of action, she didn’t have the benefit of all that was going on in my mind. I was thinking that all that was needed was to get myself in a better place to handling my stress and we would no longer be separated. But we hadn’t had the chance to talk things through, which for her was necessary for things to feel resolved.

In order for her to overcome the feeling of separation it meant talking through what happened and why. For example, she wanted to understand why I felt accused when she was attempting to help me and to be forgiven for any wrong she may have done. She wanted us to reconcile what happened in order to reconnect.

As much as she appreciated my functional fix, what she wanted wasn’t functional in nature – it was relational. The thoughts in my head weren’t enough; she wanted conversation and closure.

Note To Self

I need to remember that sometimes the solution isn’t the answer. At least it isn’t the whole answer.

There are many times when my introspective, factual-based, problem-solving nature comes in handy. But I’ve realized that there are also times when I need to be more transparent with my wife through the process, especially when the issue affects our relationship. To maintain intimacy when things get strained, she needs to know what I’m thinking and feeling as I work toward the solution to the problem.

What about you? Have you fallen into the same trap as I have? Do you find that the way you process through a problem is different that how your spouse does? More to the point, does your method of working things out leave your spouse in the dark and in need of connection?

I’d love to hear your own experiences with this issue and any trick you’ve found to deal with it!

In my last few posts I’ve been encouraging you to go above and beyond in meeting your spouse’s needs. If you want to create a positive, life-giving environment in your marriage, few things will do it like giving in a way that meets your spouse’s needs “and then some.”

But in order to show love to your husband or wife way beyond the minimum acceptable level, to move into the realm of delighting them, you have to know the things that would give them the most joy and pleasure.

This requires that you become a lifelong student of your spouse’s needs and wants; even more, the things that bring them pleasure and delight.

Do you study your spouse? It's time to...

Go to Spouse School

Vacationing here at the beach has given me a chance to finally get caught up on my huge Google Reader backlog. I’ve also been listening through the backlog of podcasts over at Stu Gray’s Stupendous Marriage Show. (I highly recommend you check out these entertaining and informative podcasts). In Episode 3 Stu and his wife reminded me of a recent post I saw over at The Generous Wife called “Study Him.” .

If you aren’t sure where to start in studying your spouse, I’d encourage you to check out the comments in The Generous Wife post. In it Lori opens up the question of “How do you study your husband?” for her readers to answer. There are a lot of really good ideas there, many of which apply to a husband’s study of his wife as well.

Many of the ideas there have to do with being aware and being intentional. You might check out my post on “Watchfulness”  to learn about how to build the habit of watchfulness into your marriage.

A couple of other resource I came across recently give you some specific ideas on how to bless and inspire your husband and wife. You’ll need to sift through these to see which would be good for your particular spouse’s preferences, but the lists are a great placee to get some ideas for breaking out of the routine interactions you might find marriage in.

• 50 Ways to Inspire Your Husband
• 50 Ways to Inspire Your Wife

One thing I’d like to remind you of is that it is likely that the things that delight your spouse are not the same things that delight you. So I would encourage you to not make the assumption that just because it’s something you like, it is also something your spouse will like as well.

You Never Graduate

You might be thinking that this idea of studying your spouse is obvious – a real no brainer. But the truth is that we are creatures of habit. We tend to fall into comfortable routines and patterns, but you never graduate from spouse school! I encourage you to be a lifelong learner in this regard. Don’t let your relationship fall into familiar patterns based solely on past assumptions.

Maybe you are responding to this with, “I already know what my wife likes” or “I know what makes my wife husband happy.” Kudos to you for at least realizing that knowing your spouse’s needs and wants is important. But let me challenge you to grow in your understanding and to take a fresh look at your spouse. You might be surprised to find that their preferences have changed, that they’ve acquired new interested or tastes, or have discovered new delights. It might even be possible to introduce something to your spouse that they didn't even know they wanted!

Help Your Spouse Delight You

Finally, let me close with this thought. Assume that your spouse is also a student of you and do your best to help educate them.

Let me be clear, this is not an open invitation for you to be selfish and demanding. Rather, think of it as helping your husband or wife love you well. The best way to do this is through thankfulness and expressions of appreciation. When they do something extra nice or something out of the ordinary that just makes you happy, let them know it with specific words of thanks and reciprocal acts of kindness.

Letting them know specifically what they did to make you happy is the best way to get them to do it again!

I encourage you to routinely revisit the question of how to delight your spouse. Or better still, just develop the habit of making a mental note (or writing it down if that helps) when you notice a positive reaction to something you’ve said or done. It really can be just that simple.

Part 6 of “What I Believe About Marriage”

Last time I directed my comments to husbands concerning their role in what I describe as the “ordered partnership” of marriage. Today I’ll be I’ll be talking to wives about their role.

I’ll save drive-by flamers some trouble by quoting an anonymous comment left a while ago on my post “Respect, Submission and Trust.”

So, you believe in slavery of women? Giving up free will to her husband? So, freedom is only for men? How sad.

This kind of comment is typical of those who don’t bother to really read what I write or understand the heart behind it. How sad. Let me just say up front I don’t believe in any of those things.

Now, let me move on to what I do believe.

First, let me remind you that that biblical marriage is a set of truths in tension. By that I mean you can’t just look at either your husband’s or your role in isolation. A fully functioning, genuinely biblical marriage requires both of you to operate in accordance with what the Word of God says. Examining only a husband’s authority in marriage without coupling it to the fact that he is to emulate Christ in the exercise of that authority is dangerous. Considering the topic of a wife’s submission, without coupling it closely to a husband’s Christ-like love is equally dangerous. Keep the truths in tension.

Love, Honor and Submission

I believe, as I said last time, that your husband is to love, lead and serve you. With that understanding in mind, I believe your counterpart to that is to love, honor and submit to him.

I’m going to take these in reverse order, because truthfully, most people are going to skip to the s-word section anyway.

Submitting to Your Husband

I’ll start with one of several Scriptures that point to this role of a wife in a Christian marriage.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-24

(I’ll remind any husbands that might be lurking here that this passage is directed to your wife. Nothing about this passage implies that you are to get her to submit to you! Your only instruction is to love her!)

It's All Greek...

Pardon me while I parse some Greek here. I’ve read dozens of commentaries, blog posts and articles on this passage. Because this is such a critically important marriage passage, the words are important. What I say here is a very brief synopsis of where I come down on the meaning of these words.

Strong’s Concordance defines the Greek word often translated into “submission,” hupotasso, as “to arrange ones self under,” and “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden.” I hope you sense the extent to which this is a choice made out of love, not an obligation performed out of duty.

The term translated as “head,” kephale, in the passage above, does not carry the connotation of boss (there is a different Greek word that Paul would have used if that was what he meant). In this context it means something more like “leading by being out front.” I think of something like the lead goose in a flying formation. This understanding of headship is important for understanding what is meant by submission.

Submission is not enslavement. Submission does not imply not having a voice. Submission is not being a doormat. Submission is not subservience. Submission is not even obedience.

Submission is the attitude of your heart that says, “I respect you as my husband and acknowledge the leadership that God has called you to in our marriage. I want to keep myself arranged behind that leadership, to follow your lead and to partner with you as we move along our marriage journey together.  I submit to God first, and he has asked me to submit myself to you. I do so willingly and in much the same manner I do this unto Jesus in my spiritual journey. .”

Honoring Your Husband

Your husband probably desires your respect and to be honored by you more than he wants to have sex with you. Yeah, really. That much!

Given a choice between feeling unloved or feeling disrespected, three fourths of men will choose to feel unloved, according to one survey. My own recent informal poll clearly showed respect as the number one need for the most husbands.

The truth is that your husband needs your love for him expressed as respect and admiration in the same way that you need his love expressed through emotional intimacy and feeling cared for.

Dishonoring your husband is a blow to his heart. It says to him, “I don’t love you.”

This is why the Bible says:

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:33

Strong’s defines the Greek word here for respect, phobeo, “to reverence or treat with deference.” Some dictionary definitions I include are: holding in honor or esteem, to pay proper attention, and to show consideration for.

“But you don’t know my husband!” you say. “He can be such a pig-headed idiot sometimes.”

No, I don’t know your husband or the details of his pig-headedness (or whatever you see as his weaknesses), but I still insist that he deserves and needs your respect.

Loving Your Husband

Submission (staying behind him, remaining under his protective covering and supporting him) is the action that flows from an attitude of honor and respect. This is a powerful principle. This is what it means to love your husband.

I agree with Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs, who says that just as your husband is to give you unconditional love, you are to give him unconditional respect. To him it’s the same thing.

Unconditional respect does not imply unconditional agreement or endorsement, but it does imply that in all things and at all times you are to maintain an atmosphere of honor in your marriage. It means not putting him down when you disagree. It means not talking badly about him to your friends or family. It means not browbeating him when asking him to do something. It means not assuming he will do the wrong thing.

But more than what you should not do, I want to encourage toward what you should do to show him love through respect and submission.

• Tell him how proud you are of him (about something specific)
• Tell him he is you’re hero
• Ask him about his day, and tell him how much you appreciate how hard he works
• Strive to support and agree with the decisions he makes
• Flirt with him and tell him how attracted you are to him
• Tell him how blessed you feel to have a husband like him, and tell him why

Even better, ask him specifically what you can do to show him more respect or to be more honoring toward him. Keep your eyes open for the things that matter to him, and do them.

If you want your husband to fulfill his biblical role and lead you with love, do your best to let him know you believe in him, that you respect him, and that you honor him as the loving leader God has called him to be.

Whether he is walking in the full maturity in his role right now or not, your attitude of respect and acts of submission will help to draw out of him the loving leader you want him to be – the loving leader God wants him to be.

Women who embrace the biblical notions of love, respect and submission toward their husbands are not repressed, but actually free and full of power. It’s one of the many ways in which the Kingdom of God is upside down from what the worlds says.


Please see also my Wive's Only Wednesday post "What Submission is Not."


Continue to Part 7:  Just What is a Surrendered Marriage?

I’ve made occasional reference here to the need to love your spouse “as if.” It’s a concept that I feel should be part of every Christian’s approach to the shortcoming and failings of their spouse.

It means we do our best to love them “as if” they are closer to the person that we know they really are on the inside, despite what we might observe on the outside. It means having grace at the center of way we view and interact with our spouses.

I believe this is how we are to love one another, because this is how Jesus loves us.  Yes, it’s that bridal paradigm thing I keep coming back to.

But there is a flip side to the notion of loving “as if” toward your spouse. That is being “as if” for your spouse.

This other kind of “as if” has to do with areas of entrenchment or attitudes that keep you from doing things you know would bless your husband or wife and probably improve you marriage as a result.

We all have things we do or don’t do, claiming in our defense that “it’s just not the way I am.” I know I do this, and I suspect we all do this to varying degrees.

Moving Toward Being One

It’s true that we all have unique personalities, preferences and pre-dispositions. Indeed these are the things that make us who we are. Many of these things are what drew your spouse to you in the first place, and by saying you should act “as if” for your spouse I am not telling you to change the essence of your own nature.

But if you want to grow in intimacy, toward becoming one in every sense, then it will require an awareness of and sensitivity to your spouse’s true nature. For the sake of growing closer together, sometimes you will need to set aside your own preferences in order to engage with your spouse in a way that satisfies him or her most deeply. Sometimes you will need to step outside your own comfort zone and do some things that don’t necessarily come naturally or easily to you,

Now of course I’m not saying you should do things to which you have a moral objection. I’m talking about things that you could do, maybe even things you know you should do, but that are not necessarily your nature or that you find a bit personally challenging. Maybe some of these things require a bit of extra giving on your part. Maybe some of these things take a little extra effort, but you just aren’t willing to give it.

For example, maybe your spouse is really social and greatly enjoys getting together with groups of friends (like my wife), but you typically find such occasions personally draining instead of energizing (like I do). I could handle this difference between us several different ways. I could simply refuse to go with her on such occasions and send her off alone (I’ve done that). I could go along grudgingly, with a scowl and an attitude, hence ruining the outing for her (I’ve done that too). Or I could even insist that she stay home and not go because “I don’t want to go, and I’m the husband, and I am in charge and I say no” (no, I haven’t done that). But the better option is for me to sometimes simply say yes and go along enthusiastically, because I know it would really bless her and I know it is a need in her. I can do that and do my best to be open to it.

He Says, She Says

There are many areas where men and women tend to differ in their preferences, wiring and mindsets. I’m not being sexist with this statement; brain science is flush with studies that confirm the truth of this. You just have to look at the result of the marital needs poll from my previous post to see how different men and women tend to be.

Unfortunately, these basic needs are some of the areas where we get the most entrenched because it’s “just the way men are” or “just the way women are.” We sometimes use our gender as an excuse for not meeting our spouse’s needs. But refusing to understand and respond to your spouse’s needs and nature just because you aren’t wired the same way or need the same things is a formula for reduced intimacy, increased frustration, and marital isolation. Bad news!

For example, most women (not all) find meaningful conversation an important component of relational intimacy – many men do not. So is it that an excuse to criticize and complain about your wife’s “neediness” and her “endless jabbering” because you are “just not into all that mindless talking.” No! Little better is it for you to simply talk to her while rolling your eyes, with impatient body language, minimally holding up your end of the conversation. Rather, recognize this as a genuine need in her and give her the time and full attention she craves from you. You can choose to satisfy her need for meaningful, even if it isn’t a need for you.

Here’s another example. Most husbands would greatly appreciate it if their wives would act in a more sexually overt manner, showing her desire for and sexual attraction to him. However, most women simply aren’t wired to think that way, and some are even uncomfortable with the idea of any kind of sexual expression outside of the bedroom. But is that a good reason to simply accuse your husband of having a one-track mind, to rebuff his playful advances or to dismiss his desire for more far-ranging sexual interaction with you? Though you aren’t likely to actually be turned on by his suggestiveness, why not go with the flow sometimes and respond positively or playfully to such advances? Why not be suggestive yourself once in a while? You can choose to satisfy his need for sexual engagement on his terms, even if it isn’t a need for you.

Husbands and wives make all kinds of excuses for not being attentive to one another’s needs and desires:

• He says, “I’m just not the romantic type.”
• She says, “I wish he wouldn’t just keep grabbing me like that.”

• He says, “My wife does the church thing, but it’s not for me.”
• She says, “I’m not that into outdoors stuff.”

• He says, “I find a lot of her friends tedious and boring.”
• She says, “I find a lot of his friends crude and immature.”

• He says, “I really don’t like going to the same place twice – life’s too short.”
• She says, “I rather like revisiting places we’ve enjoyed before – so many happy memories.”

These particular things may or may not apply to your own marriage. The point is to be aware of and seek to satisfy your spouse on their terms, even when their desires don’t line up with yours.

It’s not easy, and it requires that you know your spouse intimately; his or her nature, desires and preferences. This kind of knowing is a lifelong endeavor, and I’ve written about it recently. One post deals with knowing your spouse’s soul, what you see in the natural. The other post deals with knowing your spouse’s spirit, who they were created by God to be.

Are there areas where your husband or wife is being neglected or having unmet needs simply because you have decided “it’s just not me?”

Are you willing, for the sake of deeper intimacy, to step outside your comfort zone, to go the extra mile and do things you might not otherwise choose to do?


Note:  In my next post I’ll deal with a few important points of clarification that I feel needs to be made around this topic.

As I wrote last time, sometimes, in order to foster intimacy in your marriage, you will need to step outside of your comfort zone.

If you consider my recent marital needs poll results, which showed dramatic differences between the primary needs of husbands and wives, it is certain that in order to go about meeting needs that are probably very different from your own, you'll need to modify your mindset and think a bit outside the box.

When such actions go against your own natural inclinations and preferences, it may require you to sometimes act “as if” for the sake of loving your spouse and improving your marriage.

Now, lest what I am suggesting be misconstrued, I want to follow up with a few clarifying points.

This is Not Just Faking It

I’m NOT suggesting you simply try to fake your way through it. For one, most of us aren’t that good at hiding our feelings, and your spouse will pretty quickly figure out that you aren’t being sincere. That’s likely to make things worse than if you didn’t do it at all. Though there may be times to suck it up and pretend, that should not be the goal.

The goal is to be authentic – to act with genuine love. To do that you will likely need to change your mindset so you can do it “as if” it were something you would really like to do. The wanting to do it comes from a place of sacrificial love rather than a place of personal enjoyment or personal preference.

My wife loves old movies. She’s practically a walking iMDb of all things black and white. Personally, I don’t care that much for most of the old movies that seem to so hold her interest and give her such delight. But I will sometimes happily watch with her, simply because I want to be with her and know this is something she really enjoys. When she asks me if I enjoyed a movie that I did not particularly care for, I will say “I enjoyed you enjoying it.” That’s the truth. In some ways, knowing that I do this for her blesses her more than if I was to doing it because I actually like those old movies. It shows that I care about the things she cares about.

I love the mountains. My wife loves the beach. So every year we try to get a healthy dose of both. And over the years I have come to rather enjoy the beach, and she now truly likes spending time in the mountains. I’ve come to appreciate the things she likes so much about the beach, and I also see how it feeds her soul. Same goes for her and the mountains.

This is Not Compromise

I would caution you not to go about doing these kinds of sacrificial “as if” acts of love in order to get something in return or as a compromise that requires concessions from your spouse. I didn’t just go along with the idea of a beach vacation in order to get my wife to agree to a mountain trip. No, we both saw and genuinely wanted to satisfy the desires of the other’s heart. It wasn’t a 50-50 proposition, it was 100-100. That’s the way it should be.

I’m suggesting that if it is going yield any lasting fruit in your marriage, you should do such things without expecting something in return. Give it as a gift rather than as a favor. Again that’s not to say you should never say, “I’ll do X if you’ll do Y.” I just don’t think that is necessarily the bridal paradigm way. Jesus gave everything of himself for us for love's sake and for love's sake alone. Love and intimacy with us was his only goal.

Sameness is Not the Goal

As I said in my previous post, the idea of acting “as if” is not about changing your personality or nature- you probably couldn’t do that if you tried. The goal is not to become more like your spouse. I’m not suggesting that men be more like their wives or vice-versa. But you shouldn't use your nature as and excuse to neglect the needs of your spouse.  You can change your behavior without changing who you are. You can increase awareness of your spouse’s needs, even those that are a bit foreign to you, and act in a way that meets those needs, without becoming more like them.

Allow Your Emotions to Follow Your Actions

Setting aside your own preferences and stepping outside your own comfort zone can be uncomfortable and challenging. But when you act “as if” for the sake of love and intimacy with your spouse and in order to honor his or her nature and desires you will begin to see positive fruit in your marriage.

And as you learn to take delight in delighting your spouse, you will gradually see your heart begin to change. You might even find yourself beginning to not just tolerate but embrace and enjoy things that you never thought you could. When you see how happy you can make your spouse, how positively he or she responds to your loving attention, and how intimacy grows between you, you will want to do it more. That’s only natural. See the above mountain/beach example from my marriage.

You aren’t responsible for solely fulfilling all your spouse’s needs

This is my final caveat about acting “as if.” While I strongly believe we all need to learn to delight in delighting our spouses, you cannot be everything to your spouse (nor should you be). You cannot ever hope to meet 100% of your spouse’s emotional needs, and his or her world should not revolve around you. That’s a formula for emotional gridlock and a certain set-up for failure.

The center of your spouse’s world should be God, and He alone should sit upon the throne of their life. Second, your spouse will need a life outside of your marriage (as will you). It is healthy and necessary for him or her to have friends and interests outside of your marriage relationship, and you should view these not as competition for his or her affections and attentions as long as these things don’t hinder the level of intimacy between you.

What do you think of these caveats and cautions to acting “as if?” Do you have any cautions of your own that our readers should be aware of?

In my last post I wrote that I try not to apply sweeping generalizations to groups of people or make universal statements. However, while the poll I put up as part of that post is far from scientific, the results are pretty convincing..

The results shown in the chart below certainly seem to reinforce the idea that men and women are indeed rather different creatures when it comes to their core needs.

The top two needs for husbands, being respected and admired, accounted for 68 of husbands' reported greatest needs from their wives. That compares to only 9% of wives report these two as their greatest needs from their husbands.

For wives, the top two needs from their husbands by far were feeling cared for and maintaining emotional intimacy. These two needs accounted for an astounding 75% of the wives’ top needs, whereas only 5% of husbands stated one of these two as their top need.

These differences are dramatic and important to understand for several reasons. There’s no doubt that God was rather purposeful when “He created them male and female.” Ours is to figure out this divine puzzle for the benefit of our marriages.

First, our natural inclination is to give love in accordance with our own needs. Simply put, we tend to love how we want to be loved. But clearly that doesn’t work in most cases, because your spouse’s greatest needs are likely to be very different from your own. It is critically important to keep in mind the fact that your needs are mostly or completely foreign to your spouse.

Second, in order for you to learn to love your spouse how THEY want to be loved, you are likely going to have to learn some new ways of thinking, to put some things on your radar that may not naturally be there. You need to become a student of your spouse’s desires and needs, and appreciate that this is a lifelong endeavor.

Third, have grace for your husband or wife as they work toward understanding and meeting your needs. They might be navigating a very foreign territory! Help him or her learn to love you in a non-demanding way.


What do you think of these findings? Were you surprised at the extent of the differences? Do these ring true for your own marriage?

Sarah Baron over at Anonymous8 posted a quote from Rabbi Radinsky, who has many years of experience dealing with marriages, summarized the essential needs of men and women as follows:

In marriage, men and women each only need one thing. Women need to feel secure. Men need to feel important.

When I read the quote I immediately thought to myself, this sounds a lot like this verse from Ephesians:

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:33

Of course Emmerson Eggerichs, author of the book “Love and Respect” sees this dynamic as key to a successful marriage.

I stated a while back in my post “Thinking, Being and Doing”  that I try to shy away from “one size fits all” solutions to marriage issues.

While I do believe that love and respect (or security and feeling important, as Rabbi Radinsky stated) are critical ingredients to a lasting and intimate marriage, I’m not sure I would say that these constitute the “one thing” that guarantees you’ll have the kind of lasting marriage you want.

The Long Haul Project  website regularly interviews couples and asks them what one thing they would offer as the secrete to a successful marriage. You can listen to some or all of them using this link . There are an interesting and diverse set of answers from the various couples.

Truthfully, I’m not sure there even is a one thing, at least not exactly. I don’t think marriage is quite that simple, because anything that involves real people with real issues is going to be more complex than a simple panacea statement will adequately address. I do think there are some universal biblical truths that point us in the right direction (such as the love and respect truth of Ephesians 5), but I also think that each couple has to figure out how to apply those truths to their own marriage.

So with these thoughts in mind, I’d like to ask a slightly different and more pointed question in the form of separate short polls; one for women (just below) and one for men (scroll down)




For email and RSS readers: Lady's Poll Link







For email and RSS readers: Men's Poll Link

I came across a short video by Danny Silk answering the question, “What has happened to men in modern times?”  (sorry the video was not embeddable)

I half expected the usual “men are becoming feminized and shrinking back from leading their families.” But knowing how Danny Silk often takes a different tack, I was not too surprised that his answer took an entirely different direction.

I hope you watch the video, because he makes an interesting case.  But if you don't have five minutes to watch, here is the culminating point:

Two thirds of divorces are in initiated by women. Women in droves are trying to get away from men who don’t know how to love. If men don’t learn how to love this trend will just grow.

Husbands, I’d like to hear your opinion on what Danny has to say. Do you agree?

Words are funny things. They inherently carry with them the baggage we have gained over our history, providing us with an innate emotional response to these words.

A few months, back in my post entitled “Finding the Right Words,” I clarified for my readers what I mean when I use the terms surrender, submission and headship. Essentially I use the term surrender, which applies equally to husbands and wives, to convey the paradigm shift of turning from self-focused living to a life focused on your spouse. It means bringing the fullness of who you are into your marriage partnership and choosing to focus your self and abilities for the betterment of your spouse and your marriage. A wife’s surrender takes the form of submission to her husband; the husband’s surrender takes the form of sacrificial, servant-hearted leadership.

Today I want to dig a little deeper into a few words on a wife’s side of the surrender equation by looking at three ways in which surrender can be manifest: respect, submission, and trust.

Respect

I’ll start with respect by noting how the Apostle Paul ends his instructions on marriage in Ephesians 5 with this summary:

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Though he begins this text with instructions to wives on submission, he ends with the need for them to respect their husband. But are these really the same thing? Let’s look more closely.

Strong’s defines the Greek word Phobeo, in this context, as to reverence or treat with deference. Some dictionary definitions I’d like to include here are: holding in honor or esteem, to pay proper attention, and to show consideration for.

I have mentioned before the survey results that clearly show the highest stated need for husbands is the need to feel respected, in contrast to wives’ highest need, which is for love and affection. Interestingly, these are the very two things that Paul includes in his summary, quoted above.

Submission

In contrast, Strong’s defines the Greek word for submission, hupotasso, as “to arrange ones self under,” and “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden.”

So what’s the difference between submission and respect? The way I see it, respect is the attitude and submission is the action that flows out of the attitude.

Emmerson Eggerichs, in his book “Love and Respect,” makes a pretty strong case that a wife’s respect should be unconditional in the same manner that a husband’s love should be unconditional. By this he does not mean unconditional admiration, agreement or approval. What I think he is getting at is the idea that if respect and honor is not the primary expression of your unconditional love for your husband, he will not feel loved. Again, this doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with or approve of his attitudes and actions. It means you approach him with respect out of reverence for that fact that he is your husband. See the difference?

But I also believe that without respect, martial submission is really hard. A husband who requires grace from his wife in order for her to act with respect toward him will make her job of submission much more difficult. So although I tend to agree with Eggerich’s call for unconditional respect, a husband who works to earn that respect will add grace to his wife rather than requiring it from her, and in so doing further enable her to walk in submission to him.

Trust

Submission is the act of preferring another above your self - a strongly biblical principle. In the marital context, it means a wife yields her self in deference to her husband. Respect is the attitude that enables her submission.

Trust, on the other hand, is a separate dimension of the marital equation.

While there is no biblical reference that I have found that directly calls for a wife to trust her husband (or vice-versa), trust should be a central principle of any marriage that strives to be a reflection of the love relationship between Jesus and his bride, the church (what I call a “bridal paradigm” marriage).

Whereas respect should be shown without condition, and submission should be the default position in most cases, trust must be earned by a husband.

Trust grows out of consistent demonstration by a husband that he desires the best for his wife and their marriage and that his intention is to cherish and nurture her and help her to be all God intends her to be. He must earn her trust through the demonstration of caring and godly leadership, through consistent attention to her needs and desires, and through the strong but fair exercise of his authority.

By earning his wife’s trust, a husband can propel her past the issues of respect and submission and into the joyous place where she willingly joins herself to her husband, where two truly become one.

When husband and wife two are living as one, then when either person wins, the other wins by definition.

What do you think of my definitions? Do you buy into Eggerich’s idea of unconditional respect? Does the establishment of a deep level of trust help lessen the issues of respect and submission?


See also: Love, Respect and Submission from my "What I Believe About Marriage" series