your past present future

you'll probably think I talk about guys too much lately, and I would say you're probably right. Right now there is a guy in my past, a guy in my present, and just me in my future. I guess since everything's happened I've only thought about the present, but sometimes takes a small wee trip down memory lane. 

You know, being single is underrated, or should I say rather being productively single is underrated. There's plenty of ways to waste time in this life, but time spent well is a blessing. I was looking back on my 2 month long phase before fsy. At that point I was dealing with missing some 20 year old in my life, and I'd say I dealt with that like a champ. I think I displayed a normal amount of remorse as well as moving forward in life. I went to the gym, I made new friends, started my new seminary class, got back into flexibility, and overall made the most of that free time I now had. Obviously I still hurted and I wrote it down here, but I think from that I actually grew in a healthy way and I don't look back on that time as some sad time in my life. I actually kinda miss having lots more free time hahaha but I love Emmanuel.

I had that happy reminiscent feeling again when I actually looked at his IG for the first time in months. I mostly skipped everything before. I mostly laugh at myself in the way that I used to be that man's best friend but I enjoyed the peace that I was happy seeing how life is turning out really well for him in his dance career and when I see him I see the happy memories and not the pain I self inflicted in that time. I receive a notification from my boy si emms, and smile a little at how life winds it's ways mysteriously.

interesting virginity talks

sometimes I think about how hot it is making out with him, and feeling him on me, and then my brain brings up the fact that he's literally been inside another woman and that alone is enough to stop me in my tracks lmao.

I don't know how other people get over it, because quite frankly ever since he told me it's like I can't see him the same way. To be fair it's not like we're in our 20s where that would be normal, we're both sixteen. Not just that, we're both in a church that prohibits that before marrige. I understand that he wasn't even in the church back then, but it was only six months ago... I still remember the look on his face when he said it too. I'm not resenting him for it at all, I still love him it's just processing in my mind right now.

I asked him outright if he was a virgin, he paused first and then jokingly asked me why I wanted to know, but he got serious and then looked down. He then finally said no. No he was not a virgin. I would say it took it well, my face was probably mixed emotions but I was like ok, ok um alright wow. I mean what am I supposed to say to that, I think my first question was who, and he said his last girlfriend that we'd previously been talking about.

Okay so who decided that god should give me a mouth because I used that mouth to blurt out "How was it?". Like who in their right minds asks that lmao. Well his english didn't quite catch that so he asked "how was it... are you asking how many times?". Ah why yes emmanuel I would like to know that too. So I said yeah actually how many times did you.. you know. I could tell these were hard questions for him to answer, especially to me. We were sitting on the rooftop, past midnight, sitting facing eachother after we'd made out. He looks away and says "so many times", was that regret I heard in his voice? I don't know but I think I probably swallowed my heart if that was possible.

He said they would kiss, she would turn off the lights, and then ... yeah. Okay so why did god give me curiousity too because when he asked again by what did I mean how was it, I said likee... did you enjoy it? GIRL WHY ARE YOU ASKING OF COURSE HE DID HE IS A MAN WITH A DONG FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. He look pained and was like ahauuh why are you asking me that? I was so flushed I just said nevermind and laughed it off. So I'm processing still, and he's like do you wanna play truth or dare then if you've got more questions, and that did sound fun but I say no, because I have a serious last question to ask him.

I'm too shy to use said mouth so I first ask "Are you sad that we won't ever do that?", he's like what, because he can tell that I'm holding it back. I'm blushing pretty bad at this point, I hold him by the shoulders again so I can brave the courage to just outright say "Are you sad that we'll never have sex?". I think he was impressed by my direct question, or maybe just surprised. It was clear his answer was no, because he told me that love isn't sex, love is more than that, so it doesn't make him sad. Honestly all in all it was a good conversation and I'm really glad we had it even if it means it ruins some special things, I would rather know yk?

I guess it's scary for me knowing I'm a complete newby to all of this, he's my first kiss and my first boyfriend and any romantic thing you can just slap a first label on. But I do like how good he is at all of it. How good he is at laying me down. bwehhheheheheheheheee. So maybe I do prefer that he's experienced, it's just a weird thought. He really loves me, which is scary in it's own way. He loves me more than I love him, which sounds mean to say, but it's the truth. I haven't talked to him in 2 days and I have hundreds of messages from him telling me how much it hurts and he misses me and loves me. He's messaged my mum and sister too asking about me. It's not actually a willfull thing, since I got back home near 1am I'm in super trouble so I'm trying not to do anything that upsets my dad, since we're still beefing over the fact that I have a boyfriend now. Maybe I'm overthinking it all but I think in life we don't always feel the rational feeling, and I think it's okay to share that too :)

what people think + I fell in love

Blog. I have not written in what feels like actual years.

However I didn't expect to write this entry for at least another 7 years. Since I was young, my dad's stance on dating was that I was not allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 23. I'm not even joking. So yesterday I had the uncomfortable discussion with my dad where I said "me and emmanuel have kissed already, and I think I should tell you that now so you don't think I'm hiding it from you", cue a 1 hour discussion with my dad revolved around pregnancy, love my life.

Let me introduce you to emmanuel. I met emmanuel exactly one month ago. If you asked me how it all started, I would probably say infatuation at first sight. I don't even know why. If you follow my blog you probably heard me write about my anticipation for a week long camp called FSY, this is where I met him. At FSY you are split into groups called companies. I remember when I first saw him, which is funny. We were in the cafeteria, with 300 other kids. I was walking past his table, were he was taking a photo with his copmany. We locked eyes and blushed.

I don't love talking highly about myself, but I'll just provide some context. I was the only white girl at this camp. Everyone was filipino. Luckily my tagalog had improved enough to have a small clue on what was going on during the week, but I by no means fully understand. Filipinos love foriegeners, pale skin, and pointy noses. Well suffice to say I check all 3 boxes and get commented on it a lot. It was the wierdest transition for me coming from a country where I was just a normal girl, to here where I fit the beauty standard wack and center. I didn't change at all, the enviroment around me did. Defenitley showed me how fickle beauty is and how it is mostly subjective. You haven't met me, but if we did you'll probably see me smiling and giving you hug even if I didn't know you. I'm a pretty friendly person and I love people. By the fourth day of this camp, people were literally asking me to sign their ID's and asking for photos with me, it was very strange. At the dances, I hardly caught a break after being stolen from guy to guy to dance. But hey, I am by no means complaining bwahahaha.

Ok, so back to si emms. I saw him that first day, and from then forth that was it. We were infatuated. I liked his smile the most, or the fact that he even smiled. Over the next few days, whenever we would be in the same place, we were locking eyes constantly and smiling. On the second day we danced, which is when we officially met. I was a little bummed that he didn't have good english but that didn't stop me. We spent the next few days having many cute small interactions. There was a slight problem though, my friends were not supportive, and his company was not either. Of course most people didn't really care but our friends were trying to keep us apart more than they were trying to get us together. Nobody fully believed I liked him, and that was hard and still is. Because I'm me, and he's him. He's morena (which means he's darker) and in filipino culture, darker = not attractive.

I mean I'm the opposite, love me some chocolate. I think that's a big part of our relationship. Just yesterday, he showed me a text from his auntie, it goes like this. Her: You guys don't match. Him: How can you even say that? Her: She's beautiful, your ugly, she's rich, your poor, work harder if you want to keep her. I think this has been the biggest reality of it all.

On the last day, at the final dance, he asked me to dance, and he confessed to me. That time was the first time I ever told someone I liked them too. Whenever I wasn't stolen by another guy, we danced for the rest of the night. Before I left back home, he gave me a note and we took a photo together. When I got home, I had a friend request from him, along with all my other new friends, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. On one hand I knew I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, and that if I responded we'd end up talking, and evolve from there, but if I didn't he'd likely be a little heartbroken. Well I'll sum up the past month for you. I messaged him back, we started talking from there, he came to see me that sunday, and since then any time I'm free (which is sundays only), we see eachother. I've been to his church ward, we've met each others siblings, we have matching jeans, matching bracelets, we call almost every night, and I guess things became serious from there. A few days ago we had our first kiss ... it was amazing (also my first kiss ever). The next day he came over (coincidentally when my family was out which made it a whole lot more sus but I promise I did not plan it like that), and we made out on the stairs ;))

Emmnauel is very good to me, he waits for my message every day at 12 midnight when I finish work, he wears his heart on his sleeve and has always loved me, he pays for everything and he's definitely a gentleman. That's not to say there's been plently of hiccups too, he gets jealous and overthinks easily, he somehow has brought it upon himself to friend all of my friends, but my oh my has this whole last month given me so much to think about.

I never tried to hide any of it from my dad, but when I told him what I said above he was quiet for a whole minute. He went over the worst case scenarios with me, but he had already accepted the fact that he is my boyfriend. Emmanuel doesn't know that yet, I haven't talked to him since with work and everything. But as I walked out of my dad's apartment and down the hall, a tear or 2 did escape. Knowing that I'm just a 16 year old now navigating this scary thing called love, where people start disapproving, and someone else's heart is on the line, it really does scare me and I questioned if it is even worth it. 

Call it fate, but playing from the dorm across from my dad's was this: "and up until now I've been content with loneliness ... because none of it was worth the risk. but darling, you are the only exception"

I walked out, head held high with hands in my pockets, because he is my only exception.

dear viewer, life is yours for the taking

you could waste it, you could spend it, you could simple live in it ..... or you can take it and make it your own :))

(Note that this is not an April Fools joke lmao)

cough cough, I'm sick + thoughts on being a young mormon

Either I have a terrible immune system, or the flu loves me, but I get sick every 3 months. I always forget about sickness, because it comes, and then it goes, and you forget again how absolutely wonderful it is to breathe normally.

Heads up. This is a less interesting post due to my lack of functioning brain cells, so feel free to scroll past :)

So I have a dilemma on how to spend my day, I could go stay in bed and watch some shows and movies and that would be completely acceptable because I'm sick. Or ... I could go out and buy the things on my shopping list in preparation for fsy.

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I ended up doing both, I stayed on the couch watching youtube for a few hours, and then went out to the mall with my sister to get the stuff on my list ... not that I even found half of it haha. So now I'm back in my bed again and I ponder how this sickness is actively making my day worse, like I cannot function properly. Even more than sickness I hate writing about negative things I can't control so let's not make this worse for ourselves hahah.

So, a couple of things on ma tiny big mind lately.

Number 1. I think I'm going to take a break from instagram and facebook, I don't need it and I feel like it's taking up my time with it's nothingness void.

Number 2. FSY is next week!!!! I haven't covered religion at all in this blog. Sometimes I'll start a post on thoughts of religion but can't seem to get it across right, so I just include it whenever it feels right. Baseline, I'm from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka the mormons lmao).

I feel like I live this religion differently though, I'm not the molly mormon girl but I do agree and follow the Gospel. This church is very family oriented, everyone mostly sits on a row with their family, I lack in this area. Originally my whole family were members, but then my dad stopped going, and my brothers too. So sometimes I sit there alone or usually with my sister. My dad very much still encourages us to go to church, but he doesn't agree with the way the church is run. Buuut I understand his points and have yet to come to peace with it too. I can tell you a few things though. I believe in God, and I believe in his son Jesus Christ. I believe in the Holy Ghost, and that it it testifies of truth when truth is revealed, and I've felt it testify to me.

I'm not really someone who shares my testimony so openly, and even though it seems like I am testifying of big things, usually in my church people share a lot more. I can't even testify that I know my church is true, or that the book of mormon is the word of god, because I don't know it yet. Religion is still a grey area for me, but it's my personal belief that any religion that makes you into a better person has truth to it. I think being a member of this church makes me a better person. 

Aaanyway, back to FSY. In my church, I am reffered to as a "Young Women" as I am below 18 years old (the marriagible age hahahhahah). And every 2 years they have this camp for young women and young men called, ya guessed it, FSY. For 1 week about 200-500 youth are put in a college campus or a built church organization with the purpose of meeting others and growing your testimony. However people also find their wife/husband or girlfried/boyfriend there. I'm not too keen on that just yet hahah, but I'm excited. I will also be the only english speaking person there.

Number 3. I'm meeting up with my friend kuya russel on Friday. He lives on a different island but he's coming up for a temple trip so I'll meet with him there. He's a friend from seminary, and he has a girlfriend so don't raise eyebrows at me just yet.

Number 4. There's a new plan I need to write about, a plan that involves me living alone in BGC (Manila) in a year, so let's talk about that soon.

Number 5. I am very behind on my seminary catchup work so I'll start that now hahah.

why i don't read old text convos :)

I actually just can't bring myself reread old text conversations. It's funny enough how half of your relationship with someone is all written down, recorded, right there for anyone to see. I think that's why I don't find texting special, because I enjoy the feeling of having the memory stored in only our heads, and no one else can see it. Knowing only you and this person will remember the times you spent together. To me, that feels more special. So really, I can never reread old messages, I just have no desire to. Because what you say usually only means something in the moment, people make promises they don't mean, someone can love you forever ... until they don't.

Ok and also because do you ever look back at old things you did/said and absolutely cringe. Maybe not even cringe, but just bust out laughing? I have seriously done some diabolical things, and I just laugh at myself. I applaud myself for giving 100% though. Yes trying is cringe, because trying means you don't know what to do yet and you have to try different things, and inevitably, one of those things are gonna be embarrassingly wrong. Actually 100% trying gets you places though, it gets you where you want to be. It feels easier to not try sometimes, so you can justify why you're not where you want to be "I haven't tried yet". So try :))

getting over him is like butter

Back in my home, New Zealand, they have the best butter I've ever tasted. I'm not talking about the fake plastic stuff, I mean the solid 500g butter block. I'll actually eat butter straight as if it were cheese, it's that good. Anyway, my real point stems from me lying in bed 2 nights ago, reflecting how far I've come in the past 2 months. I mean, it's not like I've done a huge amount of impressive things, but in a mental state. AKA, getting over him.

I still cringe over writing about it, because I fear become the girl whose breakup defines her personality for the next year, I really hope not. But I was thinking about butter, and how no matter how much you slice it, there's always a piece left. Yes, that sounds counter intuitive, but in our household there was always that tiny piece of butter in the packet that was always left. Now I feel like I'm slowly slicing away at this butter in my life, and so many big parts that were affecting me aren't there anymore, but there's always that last piece of butter lmao. Ok it does sound dumb but hear me out guys!!

Personal opinion: I think breakups are good. Maybe not good, but necessary. And necessary hard experiences can shape you into a better person or a worse person. I think how we react to hard experiences/challenges define a little bit more of who we are.

One day, there'll be no more of this butter left. Because slowly that last piece will melt away without you even really realizing it :)

Have an absolutely awesome day.