The Simpsons/Season 24
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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.
- Marge: Just once I'd like your father to be on a Jumbotron for something good.
- Homer: You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy. Which is that love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that, it's just hanging out with someone who kinda hates you, but you can't get it together to leave.
- Bart: Come on, Dad. You love New York, now that your two least favorite buildings have been obliterated: Old Penn Station and Shea stadium.
- Moe: If the late great Nora Ephron taught us anything, it's that - oh, what's my other inflatable doll doing here?!?
- Bart: Now to get my comic book and explore a world where no one's mad at George Lucas.
- Bart: It's Homer before his boobs came in.
- Homer: Awww, sweetie, sometimes a mysterious invisible being from hell waits for a family to go to sleep then kills them. Now, go to bed.
- Homer: A black hole...(whispering) I'm sorry, can we call it that?
- Homer: Come on, you can't look at that infinitely dense little guy and not want to feed it something.
- Frink: Oh my God, Particle!
- Moe: Man, soccer's even boring for the ball.
- Satan-Moe: (reacting to Homer giving oral sex to him which is censored by a blanket on the camera) Ohhh yea-- Cinnamooooon cinamon CINAMOOOOON!
- Homer: I'm here to take my life back!
- Artie Ziff: I thought this might happen. So I mastered Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Crawl atop me and meet your doom!
- Homer: Not so fast! Say hello the United Federation of Homers Through History!
- Bishop Homer: Crush them, in the name of Jebus!
- The Rich Texan: Stopping all Americans from voting is for the protection of all Americans.
- Homer: Marge, I was just being a good husband by pretending to agree with you while secretly undermining your agenda.
- Bart: Oh no, Lisa's face! It's the same.
- Lisa: I hope you're happy. You all just wasted your time working your way into an after school class. Bart, Milhouse, Nelson, and Ralph: Aahhh!
- Homer: Geez. I mean I'm no Luis Guzmán, but I'm alright.
- Homer: Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit too.
- Lenny: All the frogs in that show are Kermit. Keeps all the other frog actors out of work.
- Moe: Hey, don't you badmouth this country. Compared to the rest of the third-world, we're doing great.
- Homer: That's one way to avoid drunk driving.
- Marge: Another way is don't drink.
- Homer: I'm not Superman.
- Homer: And I don't think you're boring. It's just that in today's multi-channel environment you have too many choices. Look at Sunday night! There's like eight amazing shows, none of them on Fox.
- Homer: Happy Anni...birth...tine's...shark week?
- Lisa: But I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't eat meat.
- Lunchlady Doris: And I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't sleep with John.
- Dan: Fat Tony, a word?
- Fat Tony: How about meringue?
- Dan: That's a great word.
- Fat Tony: We are bleeding red ink, which is the only thing we should not be bleeding.
- Homer: [saddened] Oh, what I wouldn't give for an anvil to fall on me. [an anvil falls on him] D'oh!
- Dan: How do you keep finding me?
- Homer: You really should tweet less.
- Dan: But everyone deserves to know what I'm thinking all the time.
- Homer: A paper-based read-a-ma-jig? What are we, cavemen?
- Lisa: Willie, I love your chaps.
- Willie: Me pants are ripped out!
- Marge: I don't care for silent auctions. It just encourages hovering.
- Homer: Free Tibet! You heard me, free him now!
- Homer: "Hope"? Is this one of those coincidences, like Jesus on a tortilla or George Washington on a dollar bill?
- T-Rex: T.V.? We don't own a T.V.
- Lisa: I didn't know that was an option.
- Homer: No one judges my wife's thunder bags.
- Homer: Wearing scarves in non-scarf weather is the essence of cool.
- Marge: The kids are a mess. You brought them home exhausted and pretentious.
- Marge: You're all bald.
- Homer: No, I'm young person cool-bald. Not old person sad-bald.
- Terrence: You know there are now restaurants there with two locations. Not near my kids.
- Homer: Beat it, ducks! I'm not old enough to have food for you. I'm sexy. Young and sexy!
- Burns: I insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again. Just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is - bolo.
- Herman: God closes a door, he opens a gunshot.
- Homer: Well, that's just how dogs are. The most disloyal, unfaithful creatures God ever made.
- Grampa: Unfortunately, like all true stories, this one has a crappy ending.
- Bart: You have a story with an ending.
- Bart: He's alive!
- Marge: And he didn't pee on the floor.
- Grampa: For me, that's a perfect day.
- Lisa: I love that dog...but that is one long, stupid name.
- Homer: That's right, your lord sticks his hand in his pants. And yes, it is the same hand I tapped you with.
- Homer: Listen, I gotta know. You're not just being nice to me because, in a pinch, you could make candles from my fat.
- Lloyd: Well, that is a big part of it.
- Homer: It's okay. I know what I am.
- Homer: Do not question the wisdom of Tom Skerritt.
- Moe: Well, Homer's gone. Let's all go into our suspended state 'til he gets back.
- Homer: If Jesus had a gun, He'd be alive today.
- Homer: Marge, this is it. TEOTWAWKI.
- Marge: The end of the world as we know it?!?
- Homer: I guess despite all our so-called civilization, anarchy lurks around every corner like a racially diverse street gang on a network cop show.
- Bart: Dad, what would you do if you got my ear in the mail?
- Homer: I don't know; feed it to the dog.
- Bart: You'd have to wrap cheese around it.
- Homer: Don't you tell me how to feed you to the dog!
- Fun Center Supervisor (on her cell phone): I hate working here. At least at Krusty Burger, you can burn yourself and go home.
- Bart: Looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew some chocolate chips.
- Seymour: Save your analogies for the analogy portion of the exam.
- Lisa: So how's the studying going?
- Bart: When I start, I'll tell you. (lies down on the bed)
- Lisa: (sensually obsolete) This is the most selfish thing you've ever done! You're letting your friends go hang because you are lazy, and selfish-- (Bart closes his eyes slowly) hey, are you falling asleep just to spite me?
- Lisa: Spinach Farm, huh? You talk in your sleep!
- Bart: Lisa, I want to pass the test, but I need your help and I had all sorts of problems. Lack of attention, I'm afraid of ovals, I only know 24 letters-- (Lisa closes her eyes that Bart done earlier) don't you fall asleep on me!
- Lisa: Well, Bart. I hope you're happy. All my extra credits are like frequent flyer miles on a bankrupt airline.
- Chalmers: I hate waiting. That's why I hate risotto.
- Skinner: Even mushroom risotto?
- Chalmers: What do you think?!?
- Mrs. Krabappel-Flanders: We got hired at this school to escape accountability. Who's gonna hire a hire a lunchlady who's been accused of murdering her husband?
- Lunchlady Doris: Never convicted. They couldn't find the body. Anyone care for some chicken Pete pie?
- Homer: When I found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol, I really lost interest.
- Homer: Like all childless couples, they troll the beaches waiting for the egg-layers to wander off from their young.
- Homer: Worry-wart Marge. You don't look a Trojan horse in the mouth.
- Bart: All you need to know is that I'm a politeness monster who eats "pleases" and farts "thank yous", ma'am.
- Lisa: I'm exactly the kind of kid he's pretending to be.
- Marge: I think I hear a slight accent.
- Woman: Mid-Atlantic.
- Marge: *gasp* That's where they filmed The Wire! Step on it!
- Homer: What women really want is a guy who's confident enough to go completely downhill after marriage and know she'll still love him.
- Cletus: Anything new that wanders into this house ends up in the stew pot.
- Marge: Kids, your father and I have decided we're not in such a hurry to get you guardians.
- Homer: Instead of concentrating on dying, we're going to concentrate on living.
- Bart: If you call this living.
- Homer: Why, you little... [lunges at Bart and angrily strangles him] I do call this living. Living the way kids in lndia can only dream of.
- Lisa: There is nothing like your biological family.
- GPS: Switching to male voice, so you will obey.
- Homer: Finally, a supervisor!
- Mary: [singing] There ain't not never no place none better than home. Count the negatives, it all works out.
- Bart: You got star quality, like the Hulk in movies other than The Hulk.
- Milhouse: I can't wait to use your moves on Lisa.
- Lisa: Eww. On every level, eww.
- Bart: I'll be more attentive to your needs on the seesaw. I'll stay down there as long as you want.
- Homer: "Spot the hidden objects." Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met.
- [after Marge tells them that she's banning TV from the house]
- Homer: Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment, but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.
- Bart: That's the way people talk about Ralph. Ralph, whose favorite color is peanut butter.
- Homer: (to Kuddle on the tablet) If I might you, why do I need all these books?
- [Homer is watching Maggie's Baby Poindexter DVDs]
- Bart: Dad, what are you watching?
- Homer: I think it's a Terrence Malick movie.
- Homer: We're taking Maggie to the bookstore, so she can learn the way kids did from 1910 to 2002.
- Bart: (to Lisa) Your father wasted his life his whole life being married to your mother and having you. We got to find him a boyfriend before it's too late.
- Lisa: Why don't you put a personal ad on the Internet? That's how young people date these days.
- Bart: It's weird that you don't consider yourself a young person.
- Lisa: I know. It's weird to me too.
- Grampa: I don't ride side-saddle. I'm as straight as a submarine.
- Burns: Hello, Smithers. Fancy seeing you in casual encounter park.
- Homer: Oh, my gay dad is gay for gays.
- Homer: Writing is for bathroom walls and acting is for getting out of DUIs.
- Hibbert: You may never see a film in 3D again. (chuckles)
- Homer: But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.
- Lisa: Why does someone become a bully?
- Jimbo: Neglect.
- Dolph: Abuse.
- Kearney: I'm a Cubs fan.
- Ned: (after seeing a weird church in the devilish cave) No, not Surf n Murf!
- Edna: I know you feel guilty about about cold-cocking Homer.
- Ned: Please don't use that word in bed.
- Ned: I want you to punch me in the eye. If you do, then we're even according to Exodus, Leviticus, and Matthew.
- Homer: You went and hired a law firm, eh. That's pretty aggressive.
- Ned: Come on, Homer. I'm insisting on a fisting.
- Smithers: What's this about a fisting?
- [Ned comes home and finds his parents and Homer smoking marijuana and watching TV]
- Ned: Homer, I can't believe you're partaking with my parents.
- Homer: Yeah, it's medicinal; we had a pain in our neck!
- Burns: How much for your entire collection?
- Comic Book Guy: Um, the speed of light expressed in dollars.
- Burns: [to Smithers] Just give him Faraday's constant.
- Martin: Who could have shoved eggs up our brass?
- Cletus: Egg don't belong in a chicken's eye. It belongs in her pee-poo-birth-hole.
- Lisa: Bart must not be judged by these kids. But by a jury...of kids, mostly these kids...there's only so many kids.
- Bart: Pass the gravy, Gloria All-Wrong.
- Homer: Listen, we swore we'd never go to sleep angry at each other.
- Marge: I'm not going to sleep.
- Homer: Well, you didn't have two beers with your lunch.
- Homer: Marge, I thought this was an innocuous lunch, but it's become terribly ocuous.
- Marge: The most romantic part of this was the hold music when I made the reservation.
- Waiter: I hope you are enjoying your sushi.
- Marge: It's as yummy as your poorly produced local commercial says.
- Homer: Well, I'm not one for taking new jobs on a whim. But as we say in the snow plow business, I'm your astronaut.
- Helen: Why won't someone blame the children?
- Moe: Bring out your beds. Bring out your beds.
- Homer: Boy, why are your friends so dirty?
- Bart: Dunno. Why are your friends such drunks?
- Homer: Touche.
- Homer: Hehehe, the brain is so stupid.
- Lenny: (as the frog licks his own eyeball) Ow! He took my contact. (the frog licks his own eyeball again) Ow! Now I got two in own eye.
- (Everyone started panicking about frogs.)
- Moe: Remember you said when hell freezes over? I think this is close enough.
- Lindsay: Huh, I'm in no position to argue.
- Milhouse: Did you ever wonder if hippopotamuses think that rhinos are unicorns?
- Homer: My head hairs! I'm bald!
- Moe: There's sexy bald like...uh...Babar, king of the elephants. I read his books as a kid. He married his cousin Celeste. That was my takeaway.
- Martin: Let me go. I have a swim lesson with a gorgeous lifeguard.
- Dolph: What gender?
- Martin: You're not allowed to ask.
- Homer: We don't get together to share our emotions. We get together to escape them!
- Carl: Why don't we talk about it over at Moe's?
- Homer: It's not even noon.
- Carl: Yeah, I got a watch, egghead.
- Homer: Sorry, Carl, it's WWII all over again. America kicks Iceland's ass.
- Homer: And I'm 69 because people always laugh when you say "69." Hehe, no one knows why.
- Homer: [realizes the pop-up ad "Ki-Yah! Karate Monsters"] What the? Change the channel? But I'm watching soft core tennis!
- Moe: Yeah, I always go with three, the number of brothers and sisters I, uh, Hunger Gamed in the womb.
- Patty: So, now you're going to get hit on by ever loser in town.
- Selma: And this town has losers like Mexico has headless corpses.
- Homer: Hey, those Yelp reviews don't write themselves. Did you know a well-placed one-star could destroy a "Mom and Pop" hardware in nothing flat?
- Homer: Just call me Borders Books 'cause I'll always be here.
- Ben: Accidental motherhood is the best thing that can happen to a woman.
- Ben: Whoa!, A is for apple, right?