A bit of a 'nothing to report' time

 I see blogger is still messing about, now all the usual blogs that post daily in the mornings aren't actually appearing on my blog roll until hours later, despite them being written hours earlier.  I seem to get a flurry of blogs all at once later in the day, some though don't seem to appear at all, unless I go to each individual blog and find out they actually have written one that day.  Oh well, it's not exactly a major problem.

It was frustrating when we discovered via the phone call from the nurse that there wasn't going to be a quick diagnosis of husband's cognitive state, because of the long waiting time for further tests.  But as I said, it is what it is, nothing we can do but wait.  So back to normal daily life for us - well, what is our normal nowadays.  Husband seems to have accepted that the nurse didn't say he doesn't have dementia - not that he's mentioned it as such, rather the point that he's stopped mentioning it indicates that.  He had his first osteopath session yesterday, he said it was ok and the guy seems very nice, but he was disappointed that his backache hadn't miraculously disappeared....I said it doesn't work like that, he'll probably need a few sessions, his next one he's booked for Friday next week.  Which frustratingly is the day we were supposed to be going out for lunch for our anniversary, typically he'd forgotten.  Not that it matters really, we can go the day before.

It's been dull and chilly today with some pretty heavy showers, so the garden has been getting a good watering, we've even had a bit of thunder.  Changeable for the next few days, before it apparently starts warming up with more sunshine from the middle of next week.  I've had a relaxing day, doing some reading and crocheting - I pulled back the couple of rows I'd started on the 'winging it' casual cardigan, I decided I didn't like the way it was looking, I've restarted it in granny stitch instead.  Ooh, a flash of lightning just lit up the room!  Good job Betty's asleep and missed it, she'd have jumped up and started barking.  The rain is now a proper heavy downpour, which has now woken her up.  Exciting day today as you can see 😂😂

Finally!

 The nurse rang shortly before we were due to go out yesterday.  No definite diagnosis yet, they want husband to have an MRI scan and further in-depth neurological tests.  The scan should happen within the next few weeks.... however, there's a backlog with a waiting time of up to six months for the neuro tests.  Not very good but it is what it is.  In the meantime, we'll be having a phone call from a key worker every 4 weeks to check how we are.  And she reiterated that I can call the crisis team if I have any major concerns. Husband is just happy that he's not having his licence taken away from him in the immediate future, they consider that he's safe to continue driving for the time being.

Husband had his tooth out and moulds taken for his new dentures, he's going back for a fitting at the end of the month.  We went into B&M and bought some trellis panels to improve privacy between us and the neighbour who's having the work done.  I got 4 lovely t-shirts from Sainsbury's Tu range, I do like their clothes, good quality for a very reasonable price.  In the big cancer charity shop no books sadly, nothing that interested me anyway.  But I did see a lovely brand new, still with tags attached, pair of comfortable trainer-type shoes, no price on them so I asked one of the staff.  She had a look and said "£4, is that ok?".  Of course!!  I also bought a "tuff" (allegedly) purple hippo toy for Betty, I wonder how long it'll last?!

First two outings

 Well, still no phone call, I'm not worrying about it, I'm assuming there's a good reason for why the nurse hasn't rung yet.  Husband though has been going on and on about it, odd for someone who thinks the nurse told him that he doesn't have dementia.  Thank you for all the comments saying it's unlikely the nurse did tell him that, I would have thought that in the event she did actually come to that conclusion very quickly, she would have made a point of telling us both, rather than making a casual throwaway comment that only he heard.  I think it's more likely that husband misheard her say something and his disorganised brain made it into something else - he does this quite frequently and is always adamant that he's right.  We'll find out soon enough, I'm sure.

I'm having 2 outings by myself this week - well, husband is dropping me off in both instances, but it means I'll have browsing time by myself.  This afternoon he has a dental appointment (yet another tooth to be extracted) in Bridgwater, he'll drop me off at the retail park very close by.  There are a couple of shops I particularly want to look in, a big B&M (there isn't one here) and the big charity shop that does a huge range of second hand books.  If there's time I'll have a coffee in one of the coffee shops there.  

Husband has been complaining about his backache for some weeks now, he just complains without actually doing anything to help himself, except for taking painkillers 4x daily and sitting in his recliner chair saying he can't do anything as it's too painful (just sitting there for hours at a time is only adding to his backache, I've told him that the advice nowadays is to keep moving....as usual he doesn't listen to me).  I finally got fed up with him constantly moaning and told him to go and see either a physiotherapist or osteopath, I even found one for him and booked an appointment.  That's tomorrow afternoon in town, once again I'll get him to drop me off so I can have a nice wander around the shops.  I have a piece of favourite jewellery that needs a minor repair, so will go into the jewellers to get that done as well.  And there'll definitely be time for a coffee stop.

So that's a good start to my doing things independently of husband - 2 shopping, browsing and coffee trips in one week.

Husband actually mentioned our wedding anniversary this morning - it's our 43rd later this month.  He suggested we go to a local pub for dinner.....which was nice of him, if something of a surprise.  I'm not really keen on pubs though, especially in the evenings, I'd rather go for lunch to one of the many nice tea rooms we're discovering.  There's another one I've found, not far away on Exmoor in a little village that has a river running through it, very close to the tea room itself.  I've shown it to husband, it has excellent reviews, he likes the idea of their homemade pasties and cream teas with apparently very large scones, so we'll go there.

Me

 I've had another few unwelcome comments and emails - all from people who probably think they're helping, but the reality is they're just telling me what I should do.  The thing is, they're saying what they would do in the circumstances - why they think it's also what I (or anyone else for that matter) should do is beyond me, it's very presumptive and/or presumptuous.  They don't actually know me, they know only what I choose to put on my blog, plus we all have our own individual ways of doing things, we're not all clones.  Yes I do sometimes (quite often if truth be told) have a moan on my blog or even say that I'm having trouble coping with things.....why the hell shouldn't I?  It's my blog after all.  I say what I feel at that present time, it's not necessarily how I feel the next day.  I react to things in the moment, I'm not permanently in the doldrums or feeling under pressure.  Neither am I permanently happy and contented.  Is anyone?!

I've been making decisions and doing things all on my own pretty much all my life, certainly since the age of 13 when my dad buggered off and my mum went to pieces for a year.  I don't rely on anyone else - a lifetime of experience taught me to be self sufficient.  The only person you can rely on is yourself.

Husband told me yesterday that the psychiatric nurse told him before we left her office that he doesn't have dementia - I must have missed that because I didn't hear it, or else he misinterpreted whatever she said.  I find it difficult to accept she would have said that before she'd gone through his answers to all her questions and tests and scored them, and before discussing it with her superior or referring him for a brain scan.  If that's the (instant) conclusion she has actually come to, then I would be forced to ask how she would explain husband's profound decline in his cognitive abilities, or the drastic change in his personality and behaviour over the past few weeks?  And if she has indeed come to that conclusion on the basis of just one hour, a few brief tests and listening to him chattering away and joking all the time, then I would be very disappointed.  You have to live with him and see what he's like 24/7 to know how it is, or at the very least conduct more and wider ranging tests and investigations.  

I've decided I'm going to put myself first and start doing more things I want to do from now on - at the moment (well, for a long time now actually) my life revolves around doing everything in the home and for husband, it's all about what he wants or doesn't want to do.  E.g. he never wants to go anywhere - well, nowhere that I suggest, he does seem to like going off by himself to Bridgy on the free shoppers bus.....incidentally, he usually buys himself things whilst he's there, occasionally even something for Betty, he never buys anything for me.  I've had my bus pass for a few months now and never used it yet, so I'm going to start going into town - by myself - on the bus once or twice a week.  I may even start going to some coffee mornings, talks or even exercise classes, I've seen there's a new chair-based gentle exercise group starting up in town next week, I might make enquiries about that.

Errands, diets, boring stuff really

 Firstly, one of you asked about me possibly having some counselling - no, that's not going to happen (my choice) but thanks anyway.  I'm fine, I was just frustrated yesterday that we never got the promised phone call, and thus have to wait a few more days before we find things out.  I appreciate there may have been a good reason why she didn't ring, but a quick text saying so would have been nice.  It didn't help that husband kept asking me every 30 mins or so, all day, if she'd rung yet.....as if I wouldn't have told him! 😒  It's all waiting around for anything NHS nowadays.

We've been out this morning for several errands - husband had his latest Covid booster, we went to the pet shop to stock up on the good quality food that Betty likes, plus some YuMove joint tablets for her, the cheap Tesco glucosamine for dogs she's been having for the past couple of years aren't having much effect now.  Since everyone raves about the YuMove tabs, I thought we'd give them a try - a lot more expensive but if they help her to be more comfortable and have less joint stiffness and pain then they're worth it.  We then went to the supermarket for a top up shop of fresh fruit and veggies, toilet rolls and some treats for the weekend - dry roasted nuts and a bit of chocolate.  I'm going to be continuing with the Portfolio/Mediterranean diet Mondays to Fridays for the foreseeable future, I'm enjoying it and it suits my way of eating.  At weekends though I'll be having a few not strictly allowed things like a little bit of chocolate, sourdough bread (I'm not having any bread Mon-Fri) and a little cheese - life without any cheese would be unthinkable!  I feel it will help me to stick with the more restricted diet M-F if I know I can relax it a bit at weekends.

Yesterday, husband was chatting to the neighbour who's having the old barn converted to a holiday home about his ongoing plans for it, he then came in and told me what the chap had said.  It was a bit convoluted and perplexing though, with a bit of going off at a tangent and changing of mind.....as is a lot of what husband says nowadays.....so I didn't really understand some of what he said.  I've just asked him to explain it to me again, and he's just told me a very different story to what he said yesterday.  Again, quite a regular thing nowadays.  So I'm still none the wiser.  It's almost like we need a translator!

Betty's a bit off colour again today, she was sick this morning - just the once though - and is being extra clingy.  I don't really think she's unwell as such, I think it's just the fact that she's getting older.  As we take her to the vet every few months for her ongoing yeasty ear infections, he always checks her over - listens to her heart, feels her body for lumps and looks in her mouth - and always pronounces her in good health, so I'm not overly worried about her - well, no more than normal.

I'll have to look on the catch-up channels for a film to watch tonight - there's never anything that interests us on TV Saturday evenings, it's all stupid game shows or reality tv rubbish.  I do like a good film, something thought-provoking and with a proper storyline.....husband though prefers anything sci-fi or violent, so it's a bit of a challenge to find something we'll both enjoy.  

Nothing!

 Well, the promised phone call from the psychiatric nurse didn't happen, so another several days before we find out anything.  This has been a tough week and I've just about had enough.

A difficult week, 6 months of not even being on the waiting list, and changing up my diet

 Things have been difficult this past week.  At the initial psychiatric nurse appointment last week, she kept asking for my input and opinions, which I duly gave her - truthfully, of course, there would be little point in lying.  Well, husband took exception to some of the things I said - as I've mentioned, he's in denial about a lot of things.....a couple of times he blatantly disagreed with me in front of the nurse.  Mostly, though, he kept his disagreement for when we were home.  For several days after the appointment, he was bad tempered, argumentative and verbally aggressive, on a couple of occasions he seemed to be determined to pick a fight.  At one point he demanded I give him a list of all the housework jobs I did, as he was of the opinion that he did just as much - if not more! - than I do.  Which is a load of baloney.  This is because the nurse asked him if he did any housework and he proceeded, very proudly, to tell her that he did all the hoovering and most of the washing up.  Rubbish!  So when she then asked me if I agreed with him, I said no and elaborated.  Incidentally, when he first said about doing all the hoovering, she looked at me with an amazed expression on her face and asked "OMG, where did you find him?!".  I really hope that was said tongue in cheek.

It's very wearing and demoralising to be constantly argued with and belittled, more than once I had to shut myself in my bedroom and shed some tears.  I find myself just agreeing with him more and more, even when I know he's wrong, just for the sake of peace, because otherwise he'll just go on and on about it forevermore.  Thankfully, by about Tuesday or Wednesday, he'd calmed down.  He's now gone on the free shopping bus to Bridgwater, so that means I get about 5 hours to myself.  He told Betty to behave herself when he went out - the thing is, she's no trouble at all when it's just me and her here, without him winding her up.

You may remember that 6 months ago I saw the musculoskeletal specialist at our surgery, due to a very painful shoulder.  She diagnosed a rotator cuff injury, although I was a bit skeptical about that as I've had that before, in the other shoulder, but this one feels quite different.  I'm not a specialist of course, I just know what my body feels like.  She referred me to physio and gave me a couple of exercises to do in the meantime, which haven't helped.  Anyhow, a few days ago I had a message from the physiotherapy department asking if I still wished to see them...I replied yes as I still have the pain and it's actually worse.  They then said that they would now put me on the waiting list!  So all this time there was me thinking I was on the waiting list when apparently I wasn't, only the referral list 🙄.  Goodness knows how long it'll be before I actually get to the top of the waiting list.  I had my 2nd shingles vax this week, so that's my medical stuff dealt with for the time being.  If only husband's was so straightforward 😕

Last week I was idly googling about how to lower cholesterol by diet, as my cholesterol is a bit high and eating a lot of cheese probably isn't helping.  I came across something called the Portfolio Diet which I'd not heard of before - it was designed by a doctor and is evidence-based, it's not a fad thing.  It's very similar to the Mediterranean diet, in that it's mostly vegetarian with a lot of veg and fruit and whole grains, so quite similar to the way I already eat.  However, it recommends actual daily amounts of 4 things - 50g plant proteins, e.g. pulses and legumes, veggie burgers, soya products.  45g nuts and seeds for healthy fats, protein and fibre.  20g of viscous or 'sticky' fibre, which is things like oats, barley, apples, oranges, aubergines.  And 2g (doesn't seem like a lot!) of plant sterols like Benecol products, cholesterol-lowering yogurt drinks.  Sounds good to me, so I've actually been following it this week, I've cut down drastically on my usual loads of cheese, substituting Cheddar and the like for small amounts of Edam and cottage cheese.  I've been eating salads for lunches with some couscous or brown rice, nuts and seeds, with a little balsamic/olive oil dressing.  Dinners have been stirfried veggies with chickpeas or butterbeans, walnuts and pumpkin seeds on a bed of cooked pearl barley or bulgur wheat.  I have an apple or orange for dessert.  I'm going to have a small amount of fish or chicken once or twice a week.  Husband is not following this at all, I wouldn't expect him to, he's eating his normal foods cooked mostly by me.  So far I'm enjoying it all.....I may change it up at weekends a bit so I don't start feeling deprived, such as having some sourdough toast or even sourdough crumpets (so much more satisfying and tasty than ordinary crumpets, in my opinion).  I'm having another blood test at the end of June, so it'll be interesting to see if my cholesterol is lower.