Fire Maidens of Outer Space

If I had a dollar, no better make that five dollars in these inflationary days, for every time Cy Roth's name appeared on the screen during the opening credits for this film I'd have enough to make my own movie! A bunch of British astronauts take an exploratory trip to the 13th moon of Jupiter (a neat trick in itself since this was made in 1956 and Jupiter's 13th moon was not even discovered until the late 1970's!) and discover a race of mini-skirted sex kittens who are the descendants of the survivors of Atlantis who left Earth some 3000 years ago! There is only one man on the planet and he is quite old so the girls welcome the arrival of young, virile men. Now in real life the guys would probably dismantle the rocket and live happily ever after. But do they in this movie? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! They are veddy proper Englishmen and they just want to go home! ("I'm a happily married man." one of them even states with quite the stiff upper lip.) Oh, there is one other male on the planet, a weird mutant known as The Creature. This has got to be one of the most laughable monsters in movie history. A skinny guy in a black bodysuit with clearly visible zipper and an unmoving fright mask. Yow! Even Larry Buchanan's monsters weren't that bad! Susan Shaw and Jacqueline Curtis are the Fire Maidens who get the most screen time but in the crowd is Kim Parker who would go face-to-whatever with the FIEND WITHOUT A FACE in 1958. This movie used to run on late-late shows all the time. It desperately needs to be released on video for a new generation to see. Yes kids, once upon a time people actually paid 35 cents on Saturday afternoons to see stuff like this.

FIRE MAIDENS FROM OUTER SPACE concerns the British / US "Expedition 13" to an apparent thirteenth moon of Jupiter. Once the stock footage V-2 rocket takes off, the adventure begins.

After a meteor shower, the crew zips right along, having plenty of time for shaving and smoking cigarettes, before arriving in the vicinity of Jupiter. The whole trip seems to have taken about fifteen minutes (Earth time). Untold horrors await as they land on the mysterious satellite.

But first, more cigarettes, please!

Thankfully, this orb is exactly like Earth, complete with grassy plains and trees! Can the titular maidens be far off? Nope. Ugly mutants too! The order of the day: Shoot first, and let lust be your guide.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, "ground control" sits around in what looks like a public restroom with a desk in it.

FIRE MAIDENS is an utterly absurd, sci-fi cheeeze-log from those fabulous fifties. As expected, it's all about the beautiful maidens, who just happen to be serving wenches, as well as synchronized dancers! Alas, the rest of this film is so criminally dull, as to cause our souls to wither and die.

Bring on the mutants! Kill the boring earthlings! Kill! Kill! Then, have a cigarette...

Okay now let me get this straight, the people of Atlantis escaped their sinking continent by blasting off into space where they colonized the 13th moon of Jupiter so 3000 years ago. Now only a dozen or so are left and they are all young, attractive women and just one middle aged man who claims to be the father of all of them. As a certain pointy eared TV character might say, "Fascinating captain." This movie has got to be the culmination of many male fantasies all rolled into one. A bunch of guys from Earth land on the on the planet, which has breathable atmosphere and plenty of sunlight despite being hundreds of millions of miles further from the sun than Earth. They encounter a bunch of miniskirted, barefoot, submissive women (one of whom even exclaims "Men at last!" so you know what has been on their minds!) and get a chance to play hero by defeating a monster called The Creature (a man in a black bodysuit and a monster mask). Unique to say the least. Actually I found myself liking it because of its very ineptness. The photographer never lets us forget the girls sex appeal since the camera is often on ground level giving us a good look at their legs and there is also a long interpretive dance scene. I would say they don't make them like this anymore but the truth is the do, you can find movies similar to this on USA Network every Saturday night at 3 AM.

My one memory of this appalling movie is of the spaceship's captain extinguishing his cigarette to announce "gentlemen, it's time for us to synchronise our LONGINES watches with the LONGINES master clock." At which point, the screen is filled with a shot of a very large, very ordinary looking wall clock with a prominent LONGINES logo on its dial. The camera lingers....and lingers....meanwhile, the viewer makes a mental note "must buy Omega next time."

If you like Borodin's "Prince Igor," "Stranger in Paradise," or "Kismet," DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE, because you will never again be able to hear that music without dissolving into fits of uncontrollable laughter. Otherwise, go for it: it is every bit as bad as others have described and, in my humble opinion, makes "Plan Nine from Outer Space" look like a masterpiece.