Teenage Monster

20 years before "Track of the Moon Beast", another classic, we got this wonderfully idiotic piece of junk about a characters' exposure to a falling meteor. That person is a child named Charles Cannon, who seven years later has become a hilarious anthropological throwback (complete with makeup by Jack Pierce). His mom Ruth (Anne Gwynne) never tries very hard to keep him hidden from the world, as he's always out and about maiming and killing people. Their fortunes would be seem to be improving when they finally strike it rich in the old family gold mine, but of course just keep getting worse and worse.

You can't feel too sorry for Ruth; she leaves the poor creature (played as a teenager by 50 year old Australian Gil Perkins) to his own devices far too often.

The actors, also including studly Stuart Wade as the local sheriff, Norman Leavitt as his brave deputy, and stuntman / actor Chuck Courtney as the slimy Marv, give admirably straight faced performances, but the movie belongs to Gloria Castillo as Kathy, an abduction victim turned conniving charmer. She's a pleasure to watch. And God bless her, Ms. Gwynne emotes for everything that she's worth.

Charles' appearance is amusing, if not Pierces' best work, and his vocalizations (which occasionally become coherent) are damn funny for a while.

This is another "good" one for watching with beers and buddies.

Five out of 10.

Conflating the Western, horror and teenage movie genres as it does, "Teenage Monster" (1957) is a unique experience indeed. It also features the most frightening monster in a late 1800s Western setting since Mercedes McCambridge stalked through the plains of "Johnny Guitar" (1954). In this film, a meteor that looks like a July 4th sparkler crashes near the mine of the Cannon family, killing Paw and turning young Charles into a mutant of sorts. Seven years later, Charles is the eponymous teenage monster, killing cattle and the occasional passerby, while his Maw must hide him from the townsfolk and deal with her new blackmailing hussy of a housekeeper. Charles, as a teenager, looks like nothing more than a long-haired and long-bearded hippie with bad teeth (I've seen worse walking the streets of the East Village!), despite the makeup work by Jack "Frankenstein" Pierce. His garbled, whining attempts at speech are reminiscent of a constipated canine and are quite pathetic, but still had me cracking up somehow. Anne Gwynne, who was featured in any number of 1940s Universal horror films, is fine as Charles' sacrificing mother, and, actually, their relationship is kinda sweet. Still, the film, fun as it is, is patently ridiculous, and with a very rushed ending to boot. Even my revered "Psychotronic Encyclopedia" calls it "awful." My tastes must be getting more and more dubious, though, because I did have a good time with this unique little quickie.

Surprise, surprise... "Teenage Monster" isn't all that bad a sci-fi movie. Sure, the teenage monster is laughable: he doesn't look scary at all (just hairy) and you're left wondering if Gil Perkins decided to play a monster with a speech impediment or if he's trying to speak normally and the make-up is making him mumble. Anyway, the result is pretty hilarious. (I meant to say "scary", but the only word I could think of was "hilarious".)

But "Teenage Monster" is pretty educational: did you know what happens when a meteor strikes a father and his son? Well, I didn't! Apparently such a meteor strike kills a grown man, but not a child. However, the child will grow up with an exceptional amount of facial hair. Okay, so the plot seems to be ludicrous to non-existing at first, but give it a few minutes (not too many, the movie is only just over 60 minutes long) and see how scriptwriter Ray Buffum (also the man who penned "Teen-Age Crime Wave", "Brain from Planet Arous" and "Island of Lost Women") adds a few interesting touches to the script: see how the monster's mother tries to hide her son from the villagers (it doesn't help that the sheriff is in love with her) and how the monster is abused by another character. This may not sound too spectacular (and indeed it isn't), but do remember that most 50s sci-fi films offered you a cheesy monster and a dull story: "Teenage Monster", directed by Jacques R. Marquette (famous for directing "Teenage Monster" and ... oh, that's it?), at least tries to offer the viewer a compelling story. Compelling it isn't, but at least it keeps you from being bored and waiting for the next scene with the unconvincing monster.

TEENAGE MONSTER was originally produced under the title MONSTER ON THE HILL, and was also known as METEOR MONSTER. Heading the cast is the former 1940s Universal star Anne Gwynne, trapped into a role she probably needed to meet some bills. The pretty Gwynne was known for such Karloff, Lugosi, and Chaney Jr. oldies like BLACK Friday, WEIRD WOMAN, and HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN. Here she starts out as a typical mother and housewife in the Old West whose life is thrown into turmoil when a cheap Fourth Of July sparkler in the sky (it's supposed to be a deadly meteor!) crashes down and kills her husband. Worse still is the handicap it leaves upon her little boy Charles: he's now a scarred and brain damaged brute.

Zooming ahead several years later, we see the "teenaged" boy as he now exists since the tragedy: a six-foot-something hairy dimwit with bad teeth and shaggy hair. The boy was portrayed by stuntman Gil Perkins, well over age fifty and who himself was a former Wolf Man and Frankenstein monster double from the Universal classics of the 40s! For TEENAGE MONSTER he was made up by the once great Jack Pierce, whose new '50s get-ups were starting to look kind of crappy and rushed, leaving him looking like a cross between Glenn Strange in THE MAD MONSTER and John Bloom in THE INCREDIBLE TWO-HEADED TRANSPLANT.

Gwynne tries to keep her mutant son hidden from the townsfolk, but junior tends to get into mischief by killing someone or something every so often anyway. Mom has also become wealthy in the aftermath of her husband's demise, and once a young waitress gets wind of the shady goings-on, she blackmails Gwynne by threatening to expose Charles unless she receives a steady chunk of change on a regular basis. She gradually gains control over the mangy halfwit too, sending her pawn out to dispatch people she doesn't much care for in the bargain.

AIP actress Gloria Castillo (REFORM SCHOOL GIRL, INVASION OF THE SAUCER MEN) gives the best performance of the show as the greedy waitress. But Anne Gwynne also seems to rise above the material herself, given that she thought the film was the worst thing she ever did and even caused her to stop making movies (this was her final film). Indeed, there are some unintentional laughs here, the best example being the dubbed voice of the teenage monster. It was initially felt that Charles sounded way too articulate for a mentally challenged moron, so the decision was made to have Gil Perkins loop in some hysterically stupid whimpers and whines that never match the filmed lip movements. Even funnier is the fact that Anne Gwynne and Gloria Castillo still appear to be able to make sense of every grunt he mumbles! ** out of ****

Teenage Monster (1958)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

Weird and sometimes funny sci-fi has a young boy struck by a UFO crash, which turns him into the title character several years later. This film has the reputation as being one of the worst movies ever made and I can agree with that to a point but the film does offer quite a few laughs for those who enjoy bad "B" movies. The look of the monster is actually pretty good, although he comes off looking more like the wolf man than anything else. The love that the protective mother (Anne Gwynne) shows her monster son gets a few laughs, which are always needed. The film is also interesting because it takes place during the 1880s so you've got the old west feel added to the horror and sci-fi elements. Gloria Castillo plays a woman hired by the mother to talk with the monster.