The Naked Witch

THE NAKED WITCH begins with voice-over narration by someone known only as "the student". The story takes place in the German part of Texas, where German kids sing German songs while running around in German clothes.

"The student's" car breaks down, so, he walks to the German village full of German people doing German stuff. He meets Kirska, who guides him around town, accompanied by more narration. Then, "the student" has a German dinner with an elderly German man who smokes a big German pipe. "The student" is researching his thesis paper about witchcraft, but Kirska explains in her Kirska way that no one wants to discuss the subject.

"The student" presses on.

He simply must hear the story of the Leuchenbach witch! He can't resist going to the graveyard and resurrecting said unclothed spellcaster! Watching her stroll around is amazing! Watch, as she saunters behind walls, gates, and trees! See her eeevil magic turn the film blotchy and blurred, obscuring her naughty bits!

Thankfully, she starts killing people.

Filmed in the style of an ancient travelogue, this is a classic example of a cinematic fuster-cluck.

To be fair, the first death, causing the water to turn red, is -almost- effective, and the witch herself is just cold and devilish enough to make the rest -somewhat- endurable. At an hour in length, it feels more like ten, with the only semi-naked part coming toward the end. The witch also does a dance!

Another harmless "nudie" movie from yesteryear...

Let's go to Luckenbach Texas with Waylon and Willie and the boys. OK, wrong movie. No Waylon here. This is about witches. Well, it is about naked witches. they say.

First we have to sit though nine minutes of woodcarvings and a lecture on the history of witches. Then the student (Robert Short) who lands in Luchenbach, Texas to do research gives us a few minutes of history on the German settlers in this town. When do we get to the naked witches? There is no use talking about the cast as the vast majority did no more that two appearances in their careers.

Just when things do get interesting and we have a secret book in our hands, we get another history lesson. Sheesh.

Before we get a chance to see the witch (Libby Hall) naked, she steals the clothing off another girl (Jo Maryman). We don't get to see her naked either.

The use of Vaseline on the lens when the witch is swimming in the stream convinces us that we will never see all of the naked witch. The is clearly false advertising. Only the student is given unfettered view.

Questions unanswered: How did the student dig up a 100-year-old grave with his bare hands? Where did the witch find panties and shoes? Is having sex on gravel painful? What reward awaits the student after saving Krista?

The Naked Witch (1961)

1/2 (out of 4)

This 59 minute movie starts off as a documentary on witchcraft and it's slightly interesting for what it is. Then, around the ten minute mark we switch gears to an actual "movie" about a student who is doing research on witchcraft and comes across the grave of a witch. The witch returns and is sometimes naked. However, she's not naked enough to earn the title THE NAKED WITCH, which was obviously just a way to get creeps like me to watch the film.

This was co-directed by Claude Alexander and Larry Buchanan but it seems the majority of the "student" footage was from Buchanan. I'm really not sure why his name isn't brought up more when people discuss some of the worst directors of all time because he has certainly made some major stinkers and this here is one of the worst. Even though this turkey clocks in at less than a hour it's still rather hard to sit through and it's just about as boring as watching paint dry. The incredibly dry narration will have your eyes drying out to the point where you'll want to take a nap.

Apparently this originally played on television in B&W but the print I saw was in color. Also, while there's a limited amount of nudity, some of it appears to have been blacked out with a marker of some sort. Yes, it looks that cheap and bad. I've read this happened by the distributor but I don't know the whole story. Either way, THE NAKED WITCH is pretty pointless and only for those who enjoy really bad movies.

You would think a movie that is less than an hour long couldn't be boring and filled with time killing nothingness but you would be very wrong. The first ten minutes of this horrible flick is a narrator explaining the history of witches while they show old paintings. Then we meet the main character who takes turns explaining the the non-story with the narrator. The guys car runs out of gas and he just leaves it and never goes back for it. Did I mention they constantly say it's dark when you can clearly tell that it's not? I hate that. Never watch this movie, trust me.

The Luckenbach Witch (Working Title)

Music by Bernard Herrmann played during the prologue introduction, featuring the creepy background music from "The Day the Earth Stood Still" (1951).

A 10-minute-long gory presentation by Gary Owens. Then a monologue while driving through hill country.

A student studying witches in the German area of Texas has a stake in rejuvenating "The Luckenbach Witch". Will he become witch-chow? Is it revenge time? Does the witch really show off her birthday suit? Or is she wearing 100-year-old tightie whities? Do we care? What is at stake?

No need to watch again.