Ian McShane credited as playing...
Charlie Cartwright
- Charlie Cartwright: [Talking to the tour group on the bus] This tiny country of Holland is famous for Rembrandt, the tulip, the Edam cheese... also for Van Gogh, Dutch chocolate, Dutch beer, Dutch cleanser, the Dutch treat, the Dutch door, the Dutch uncle... In fact, folks, you're in Dutch!
- Charlie Cartwright: It's not traveling. It's a mad dash through nine bloody countries in 18 bloodier days, that's what it is. And I have to be mother and father, psychiatrist, a host, teacher, interpreter, peacemaker and joke-maker, to a silly crowd of Americans identical to my last silly crowd of Americans, and my next crowd.
- Charlie Cartwright: Have you ever thought what you get for so few of your almighty dollars? You get all of this. The art, the tradition, the history, the people, the food, the whole bloody magic of it! The biggest bargain that ever was, but all you can see is the price tag!
- Charlie Cartwright: [Trying to convince Samantha to stay with him in Europe] Don't go back, Sam.
- Samantha Perkins: Charlie, I'm a square. I have to know where I'm headed. I can't just drift.
- Charlie Cartwright: Look, we drifted into this and it's not all that bad, is it?
- Charlie Cartwright: Sam Perkins?
- Samantha Perkins: Uh, that's Samantha.
- Charlie Cartwright: Oh, I'm sorry, they've abbreviated it here. Is that Miss or Mrs.?
- Samantha Perkins: Miss.
- Charlie Cartwright: [smiling] Which is as good as a mile, eh?
- Charlie Cartwright: The night's early, and the hotel is just around the...
- Samantha Perkins: Oh, do me a favor, Charlie.
- Charlie Cartwright: Anything!
- Samantha Perkins: Take no for an answer.
- Charlie Cartwright: Since we're running a trifle late, when we get to Amsterdam, we will have a mere 55 minutes to get to our rooms, get our luggage delivered and get our lunch before we visit the Alkmaar Cheese Market, where once each week in the town square there's an auction of Gouda cheeses and Edam cheeses, and pretty Gouda Edam cheeses they are.
- Charlie Cartwright: Play your cards right, Miss Sam, and I have an extra special treat for you.
- Samantha Perkins: Dirty postcards?
- Charlie Cartwright: Luxembourg. For most American tourists, this tiny duchy exists mainly as a lunch stop between Belgium and Germany. Matter of fact I heard some women from Kentucky call this Luncheonburg.
- Samantha Perkins: You're a funny man, Charlie.
- Charlie Cartwright: Funny strange or funny "ha ha"?
- Samantha Perkins: Funny unpredictable.
- Charlie Cartwright: they're like Chinese waiters, you know. If you've seen one Yank tourist, you've seen them all.
- Samantha Perkins: What would you say? That I'm - what? Intelligent?
- Charlie Cartwright: Oh, very.
- Samantha Perkins: And not bad looking, perhaps?
- Charlie Cartwright: As a matter of fact, you are a smasher.
- Samantha Perkins: Now, this is more like it!
- Charlie Cartwright: Like what?
- Samantha Perkins: The London I'd hoped to see. People, not monuments.
- Samantha Perkins: [drunkenly] Oh, Charlie. Charlie Brown, I am sorry for all the terrible, awful things I said.
- Charlie Cartwright: Well, forget it, forget it.
- Samantha Perkins: But I couldn't be just another bird on the list, number nine or 300 or whatever astronomical figures you deal in.
- Charlie Cartwright: They're just a few friends scattered about, really. That's all.
- Charlie Cartwright: Behind that department store front there lurks an adorable, vulnerable, comical little waif with her nose pressed up against the glass, looking out at the world as if it were one great big pastry because she'd love to reach out and taste it. But she doesn't dare.