The Touch of Satan

Much to my joy, I was looking for something on my MST3K videotapes this weekend, and I stumbled across this movie on one of them...a new MST3K that I had taped years ago and never watched! Joy! Ok, so I watched this movie, and it's honestly not that bad! Yes, it's a bit cheesy in a 1970s sort of way, and there are a few pauses when people are speaking, and there are lines like "This is where the fish live", but this movie is really not that awful! Watching a film like "Manos" or "Red Zone Cuba" without the MST3K treatment would make a person long for the sweet release of death, but I think I could have watched this film without the riffing and still have enjoyed it. I thought it was a decent movie. True, it had plotholes big enough to drive a barfed-on Charger through, but it was a pretty decent movie. And I have a HUGE crush on the main character, Melissa. Touched by Satan or not, she's a sweetie who only wanted to help her sister. :(

How is this film stupid? Let us count the ways:

1) It centers around the two most lackadaisical characters to ever be the subject of a film. Jody and Melissa spend half the movie sitting in uncomfortable silence, and the other half trading dialogue in accents that never reach any level of emotion, not even when Melissa's loony "grandmother" Lucinda starts skewering people with farm implements.

2) Melissa and Lucinda live out in the middle of nowhere, on what Jody insists on calling a "walnut ranch." Note to screenwriter: ranches usually raise livestock. Walnuts are more likely to be found in an orchard.

3) Besides Melissa and Lucinda, the ranch is also home to Luther and Molly. We assume they're Melissa's parents, until circumstances prove that impossible. Who they really are is aparently none of our business.

4) Melissa insists she's possessed by the devil. Jody refuses to believe her. This will persist, with no variation, for most of the film.

5) In a flashback, we learn Melissa and Lucinda are really sisters, and that Lucinda was nearly burned at the stake for witchcraft by an angry mob (more on them later) until Melissa sold her soul to Satan to save her. This scene, we later learn, takes place sometime in the 19th century. Blaming witches for everything had pretty much gone out of vogue by that time, although blaming minorities was pretty popular, if I remember my history.

6) Satan apparently is inconsistant in his deals. Melissa is allowed to remain young, while Lucinda ages. Then again, Lucinda in her youth looked something like Frida Khalo, so she didn't miss much.

7) About that angry mob--okay, angry isn't the best word for them, since they have about the energy and enthusiasm of a checkout line. How are we supposed to feel about them? They arrive with torches to burn Lucinda for witchcraft, but then it seems Lucinda really is guilty of the crime. It's one thing to portray Christians as narrow-minded, superstitious, and hypocritical, but what happens when they're actually right?

8) During the burning, the mob breaks out into "Amazing Grace." Aparently they only know one verse to the song, since they repeat it endlessly.

9) To save Melissa from the Devil, Jody must sleep with her. We're not sure why this is.

10) Once freed from the clutches of evil, Melissa begins showing her age, which is around a hundred and twenty. Most films would allow Melissa to die, so that her tormented soul may finally be at rest, but nooo--Jody has to sell his soul to the Devil to get her back. This might be a harrowing statement on the powers of darkness, until I recall that having people like Jody and Melissa in the camp isn't exactly an asset for the forces of Hell.

This is completely stupid. I joke to film making everywhere.

::The main problems::

Acting is so terrible, it actually made me cry when I heard the dialogue being spurted out of the actors mouths. Not one of the actors could act and I bet they never got another job afte that. though they were probably too busy doing drugs to complete any other movies.

The story is very lame, stupid, and annoying. Choke full of crap that would make even the most amateur film maker want to stop making movies. We get something in the story about witches and Satan, but nothing really pans out at all. It all just falls flat within the first three minutes of this lame movie, but by then you have probably turned the channel already. Which if I was not viewing the MST3K version, I proboby would have done within the first minute of this trash!

The mood is overdone completely and really goes into overkill within the last few minutes of the movie. I think they tried to set too much mood and didn't take enough time on the plot, which might of helped this movie.

The special effects are lame, and really only consist of bad face make-up which is really very lame. Though it is probably just the time period and might not have been helped.

I do not want to recommend this movie to anyone....At anytime....Anywhere. This movie is very lame, and a venture down amateur film making lane! If you take a stop on crap film making street first of course.

Do not see this movie unless it is with the help of Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, & Tom Servo. You can find it on Mystery Science Theater 3000 Volume 5. You might be sorry if you do not view it with them, as it is a headache inducing movie.

I found this far more watchable than most others seem to have.

A farmer inspects a noise in his barn, which we can see came from a doll. He encounters a killer with a pitchfork. The scene following seems to have a family commenting on the death, suggesting the guy turned out OK. However, it turns out they were talking about something else, as the killer stumbles in - and the family is committed to hiding the crime.

A young man traveling to California stops in the town, and meets a young woman by her family's pond. They take a liking to each other, and she invites him to stay. Unfortunately, they're the family from the opening scene.

She claims to be a witch, and he's skeptical. She claims also to be possessed by the devil, but this seems to refer more to ownership than the devil actually being inside her controlling her actions.

The movie is slow, but has a nice 70s flavor, and a bucolic farm setting. For the gorehounds, there's the opening pitchfork scene (not terribly gory), and a much bloodier kill with a hook used for handling hay bales. There's a flashback to 100+ years ago of the punishment of a witch. The ending is perfect.

If you like self punishment this movie is for you. How anyone could be able to watch this un-MSTed without blowing their brains out is beyond me.

The acting of the unwitting boy and the 200+ old (but only looks in her 20s) witch are just horrible. Were these two not aware that 15 second pauses between lines are not good ways to keep an audience interested? Not that the other actors are much better. Melissa's "parents" are out-acted by pot holders and the old (at least 190 years old and at least looks her age) crazy sister of Melissa. Even Satan didn't do anything cool in this movie, nor did he/she even bother to appear (physically) in it.

The plot is in a whole world of disarray. They left out the part of the script where it is explained how the simple Ma and Pa farmer folk got to be the witch's and her sister's parents. The walnut farm which doesn't have a single walnut tree on the property, and if there is they like to eat hay. Getting rid of a cop and his car off the edge of a cliff will attract absolutely no attention to the local police of foul play. Even though he happen to be calling in on the CB when he was killed by the psycho sister. Oh yes, and finally old decrepid granny-looking women can sneak up on almost anyone and kill them (even in broad daylight!). The ending is the typical devil schlock. (I won't ruin it for those who actually WANT to watch this movie.:P) But it ain't surprising.

The most hilarious line in the movie is where the two "lovebirds" are standing and staring at a lake and Melissa says, "This is where the fish live." Nobody (or movie) can be taken seriously after a line like that.

Not even the real touch of satan could save this movie. The scene that sums this movie up is the one of the boy puking beside his car. It's exactly what you'll do if you had to sit through the *PURE UNADULTERATED EVIL* of "The Touch of Satan"!

Thank God for MST3K...