Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate

Helen Hayes, Myrna Loy, Mildred Natwick and Sylvia Sidney are in their twilight years, but don't tell them that. They're spry and ready to shake up their monotonous life. At least Helen does. She has taken to the idea of joining one of those computerized dating groups in this 1971 TV movie. Hence the title. That's what they say about the form that is inserted into the database. They have made up an imaginary young lady, Rebecca Meade, and her fictional statistics to have a little fun and to while away the hours. What they didn't count on was a disturbed prospect, played too well by Vince Edwards. Myrna Loy provides the voice of reason at all stages of this outlandish enterprise, and Sylvia Sidney is her usual sweet yet quirky self. But perhaps the best scene stealers of the film are Helen Hayes, who is thriving on the excitement and Mildred Natwick who is given some of the best lines and whose character must have been quite a tease in her day. When Vince makes an advance on "Rebecca," they rebuff him, which only gives him the impetus to go off the deep end. This was a very entertaining, short and surprisingly well written film. The law is played by John Beradino, of "General Hospital" fame, and you can tell that Sylvia really takes a liking to him in their few scenes together. For a good time with some good actresses, "Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate" is the place to be. They keep things happening.

Helen Hayes, Myrna Loy, Mildred Natwick and Sylvia Sidney are four oldsters in a Pasadena bridge club who concoct a fictional girl for a computer dating service; they want to live vicariously through the responses their creation will receive (I guess), but instead they attract the attention of a psychopath (Vince Edwards, who talks to himself in a 'creepy' voice-over: "I'll get her some flowers...yeah, chicks dig that!"). Made-for-television mystery with a light touch attempts to balance wry character portraits with standard police detective work, with pallid results. Despite an Emmy nomination for Hayes, the female leads aren't able to create actual characters (it's just not there in the writing). Edwards, paunchy with spectacles and his hair combed down over his forehead, looks like an actor at the end of his rope. Hayes and Natwick went on to become "The Snoop Sisters" for a TV-movie and short-lived series.

"Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate" is a fun made for TV movie from 1971. I am pretty sure the success of this film led to a similar short-lived TV series, "The Snoop Sister"--with two of the same four stars who played the leads in this movie.

When the film begins, four cute old ladies meet for lunch (Helen Hayes, Mildred Natwick, Myrna Loy and Sylvia Sidney). Over lunch, one of them has a hair-brained idea....which shows that these women are really bored and have way too much time on their hands! For kicks, they'll create a fake persona and enter her in a computer dating service-- just to see what happens next. Unfortunately, one of the guys turns out to be total psycho (Vince Edwards)...one that is very scary and resourceful. Little did they know that the fake meeting they set up turns out to end in murder, as the crazed man thinks another woman is his computer date...and when she is confused and tells him to leave, he kills her! Now, he could come looking for the old ladies...or, these spunky old ladies COULD come looking for him! Either way, bad things could easily happen to them!

The reason this ridiculous plot works is that these old ladies are so gosh-darn cute. Additionally, the big confrontation scene with the murderer turns out to be very funny...something I didn't expect. Well made and fun...and one of the more enjoyable "ABC Movie of the Week" installments.

Never having seen this made-for-TV movie at its 1971 release, I assumed with these four talented thespians between the ages of 60 (Sylvia Sidney) and 70 (Helen Hayes), that it was purely a comedy - and that's how it opened.

I particularly got a kick out of Shelby's (Mildred Natwick's) comment about her husband hating computers and saying "they were invented by the Democrats to destroy the Republican Party." Wow, I certainly didn't see THAT remark coming.

However, being privy to Vince Edward's character's "mindspeak" narrative got to be distracting and irritating to the point of muting. His character seemed to be in an entirely different movie from the other four veterans!

Overall, I enjoyed these four Manhattan-drinking pros immensely, especially Hayes and Natwick. Loy was not her usual Nora Charles self but rather serious as Hayes' more practical sister. And Sidney with her hat pin was a hoot. I wonder how many people will remember her in two of her later roles in Beetlejuice and Mars Attacks. It would have been a joy to see the four reunite in more movies. Rest in peace, ladies! God bless!

Having not seen this (made-for-TV-I believe) film since I was 11 years old in 1971, it was not as good as I remembered it to be, unfortunately. The cast is great fun and first-rate. Helen Hayes is a hoot playing 7O year-old Sophie T. and Myrna Loy, Sylvia Sidney & Mildred Natwick are fine in their parts.

Watching this movie last night, I realized how very dated it has become, and even the sound quality was very bad - plus the color looked cheap and faded. There ARE some really funny one-liners and the four old gals work beautifully together but the film as a whole dates badly.

As a whole, this movie is a 1971 curio, based on the Doris Miles Disney novel of the same name. If you can accept it's out-moded notions, sit back and have fun!