The Love Machine

The network TV news business as a sleazy cesspool, with John Phillip Law as the titular news-anchor who sleeps his way to the top. Nice idea to have Dionne Warwicke do the song vocals for this movie-adaptation of Jacqueline Susann's bestseller (a la "Valley Of The Dolls")...though it's really too bad this sudser doesn't have Patty Duke's Neely O'Hara to spike the story. "The Love Machine" is unrelievedly dull. Even the final brawl (with an Academy Award as a fight prop!) can't save it. Dyan Cannon seems embalmed in her heavy pancake make-up and cumbersome fall (although her tiny, suntanned figure is a beauty to behold), Law is a handsome block of wood, while David Hemmings is embarrassing in gay-mode as a flamboyant photographer. And where is Robin Stone walking to at the end? Is he trekking out to the waterfront to pick up some sailors? After Cannon has deflated his masculinity, it would be a safe bet. In that case, "Love Machine--The Final Episode" might have been a more interesting flick. Certainly better than this yawn-inducing snooze-opera. *1/2 from ****

Movie based on Jacqueline Susann's best-selling novel. It's about Robin Stone (John Phillip Law) a ruthless TV anchorman who claws his way to the top. It details his love life concentrating on Amanda (Jodi Wexler) and Judith (Dyan Cannon). It also shows his total inability to commit to anyone and instead sleeps with any woman he can get.

The novel is no work of art (it's not even good literature) but it's a quick, silly, trashy read. However, compared to this movie, it seems like a masterpiece of fiction! This is a textbook example of how NOT to do a movie adaptation. First they condense the novel terribly. In the book Stone's inability to commit is dealt with and it's revealed why. Here it's brought up...and ignored. Characters from the book are either totally left out or changed completely. One of them (Maggie) pops up for two pointless scenes and then disappears completely! Also there's a truly revolting scene in which a woman is brutally beaten. It's in the book--but there IS a reason totally left out of the movie. And the book dealt with three women--not two. Don't even get me started on the homophobia. The movie is almost worth sitting through for a no holds barred fight at the end between Law, Cannon and David Hemmings.

Adaptation aside the acting is pretty terrible. Law is just horrendous as Stone--VERY wooden and boring--you seriously wonder why all these women are after him. To be fair to Law another actor was cast but had a very bad accident before shooting began and Law stepped in at the last minute. Wexler is terrible as Amanda; Maureen Arthur is truly astoundingly bad as Ethel Evans; Shecky Greene is unbearable as Christie Lane. Only three performances stand out: David Hemmings (having a GREAT time) camps it up as a gay photographer; Cannon is actually very good and Robert Ryan is just great. Also Dionne Warwick sings the catchy opening song ("He's Moving On"). Also Jacqueline Susann has a cameo as a newscaster.

It IS bad but I watched the whole thing and it is (in a silly sort of way) a lot of fun. I'm giving it a 3.

Even though this film was nothing special as such, I am drawn to comment on at least one factor that ruled in its favour - that of the lead female performer in the film, Dyan Cannon. In spite of the film's ridiculous storyline and what she goes through here, hers was the best acting job in the film, making the unbelievable seem more plausible. Her raucous scene with the gay photographer David Hemmings has to be seen to be believed. Good work, Dyan.

Though I've only seen it cut for television and therefore may not be able to judge fairly, The Love Machine is a pretty dull ride. The talented, attractive cast seems completely lost. Despite several steamy sex scenes, this suffers from the same problem as Valley of the Dolls--namely, diluting the subject matter of Jacqueline Susann's great novel. A lot of Jackie's most powerful material is either watered down or omitted completely, reducing the proceedings to shallow soap-opera level. The ending is entirely inconclusive. And, unlike Valley of the Dolls, there isn't even that much unintended humor to punch things up. Interestingly, the outrageously gay David Hemmings character is a combination of about three or four characters from the book!

Still, the production looks good, and Dionne Warwicke's renditions of "He's Moving On (Theme from The Love Machine)" and "Amanda's Theme" are beautiful. The rest of the soundtrack is good, too, if you enjoy psychedelic lounge music. I am the proud owner of the LP on Sceptor Records. Worth seeing for fans of Dyan Cannon, John Phillip Law, and moderately sensationalistic trash. It's a harmless diversion, but I still have to agree with Jackie Susann, who was very disappointed with the finished film. It really could've been great.

I just got this gem off of ebay and was quite disappointed .. for three factors ..

1. No nude John Phillip Law .. I've seen stills from the movie which detail his beautiful naked ass, in bed with two women, but these scenes are absent from the movie 2. The supposed "several steamy" sex scenes .. tame by today's standards, but again, I didn't see anything either than sheets moving around and some nipples .. where did they hide it all? This movie was marketed as being the steamiest movie since Midnight Cowboy and there are no naked people running around .. :-( .. is there another version to this movie that's maybe NC 17? Does Europe have the advantage of the better uncut version than we paranoid Puritan North Americans? WHERE IS THE NAKED JOHN PHILLIP LAW? .. like Danger Diabolik, people overestimate his nakedness in a movie .. he might have been jaybird, you don't get to see it .. :-( :-( :-( 3. Plot .. okay, stretching here .. but John's acting wasn't that bad .. given the script and his deplorably bad supporting cast .. he was cute all the way thru it .. better than his portrayal of a bird man in Barbarella .. just stand there and breathe John, you've just found your acting worth .. now show us that magnificent chest of yours .. hmm hmmm ..

Dyan Cannon can't act her way out of a brown paper bag .. worse .. !!!she looks like she's been dolled up on Halcion in every scene she's in .. the only character worth rooting for was the amazon whore who was slapped around by Law's character .. she seemed to have a lot of depth .. for her 2 minute scene .. I felt sorry for her ..

The scenery and set design was typically bad 70's porn movie castoffs ... and what's with the dinner suit that the network exec keeps wearing? Is he expecting it to get better than this? 'fraid not!

Shecky Green in ill fitting mismatched clothing made me sick to my stomach.. when he moved I thought the room was spinning ..

Overall, I'd give this movie /5 out of ten .. just cuz it was soooo bad, you just had to follow it to the miserable conclusion to see how it ends..

Thank god no director worth his spit would dredge up slop like this and try to find a modern audience for it ..